The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 112: Nature's Goalie

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 112th episode of the Round Table: a man shoots himself in the head demonstrating the right way to shoot oneself in the head, a new form of porn of men watching porn is created, a boy makes a tidy sum on a chunk of whale vomit, and Holden's brother Avery drops in to confront Holden about Mommy. Plus! Micah Sherman, Nick Turner, and Chris Waelti join us.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. African-American. They call me an African-American. Jackie, you're on prayer. Jackie, pray. Maka-lak-lak.

Ting-tong-tang. To the African goddess. She is strong and she is fat. She is filled with breasts and children. Take it to the woman. Take it to the God. Rock, rock, rock.

Muckaluck. I feel like a woman today, and I hope everyone here feels like a woman. Amen. I'm not bleeding. I think I'm heavy with child. Everybody else here, heavy with child. Remember when we brought that up in the last podcast? If she comes back pregnant, we're going to get it

aboaded. That's nice. No, but I'm going to have it, and I'm going to keep it, because that was part of my New Year's resolution this year, was to have a child. Shut up. I want you to have a child, Jackie. I want to take care of a loving thing. I'm giving it to the round table of gentlemen.

Amen to the priest goddess we pray. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Beautiful, Jackie Zabrowski. Wonderful prayer. I can't wait to take care of your wonderful, beautiful child. I did bleed, but I'm really hoping about having a child. This is the trip. This is the trip.

Good, good, good. A lot of hot sex on your week vacation. I'm not going to sit here and stay silent anymore. You're standing up for yourself? It was a hot sex week? There's seed in every orifice. I didn't even shower.

I've just been wiping my chest and then rubbing it down there. It's like alien at this point. You've got little creatures in there now. Yeah, yeah. It's like it's all over me. It's on my chiffon shirt that Henry just touched. I love your chiffon shirt. And it's great. It's great. So Henry has come on his ass. Can I just tell you that I can't

tell which one's sweaty or your tits or your vag? Yeah! Alright, that's Nick Turner, everybody. Back from LA. Thanks for being here, Nick. Who do we got replacing Edward once again? Henry Zabrowski. Ah, fucking fathead. Fuck you.

Fuck you, Eddie. Get better than us, Eddie. What? Hey. Holy fuck, it's holding. Shit. Replacing Kevin Barnett. We got this very luscious young fella to my right.

Micah Sherman. Racism. Chris Welty is also joining us. for being here buddy hello all right and then very special roundtable treat Holden McNeely has a brother nah yeah and I'll tell you Holden's the younger one because they definitely stopped after him he's a monster but his older brother is quite a physical specimen that looks like he could almost run a mile. Thanks for being here, Avery. Hi.

How you doing? More charming than Holden! More charming than Holden! The audience at home has no idea. You have no idea the difference between the McNeely brothers. It's fascinating. It's like a blitzkrieg of beauty compared to Holden. Avery McNeely is built like a brick shithouse. Beautiful. He's three feet wide and he's fucking big chin.

Yes. Holden. The neck of a goose. That's right. Neck of a goose. You put an eye on potatoes. That's what he is. He's a mashed potato boy.

Disgusting someone would have to choose between these two, man. You know, Holden, I feel like after seeing your brother, I feel closer to you. Right? Because we have the same affliction. Yeah, we're both the youngest. You're a beautiful, beautiful brother. Absolutely beautiful brother. I don't know how you guys deal with your lives, because with me, it's like, at least I know

that I'm prettier than Henry. You're the better one, right. I definitely have the looks on Henry. They hit me for, like, gatherings and stuff. They were like, this is the sun, and they put Avery in front. And then I was like, and then they were like, don't go into the wooden box. As you stared from the curtain, just, like, playing with a Rubik's Cube that's like two times too big. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Dressed like a vampire. Yeah, totally. Dressed like a vampire, jumped out of the bushes. We know the story. Passing cars. You're disgusting. Everybody knows that. It's very sad.

My brother played every sport. He played every single sport. My dad loved him for it. I can tell by his muscle definition. Yeah, he was much more attractive than you. Even his head is shaped very nicely. And can tell by his muscle definition. Yeah, he was much more attractive than you. Even his head is shaped very nicely. He has a really nice neck. Yeah, that's the thing. He has a neck.

It's not just a neck that becomes a head. I had to fashion my flaps into a neck. I had to do that in a lab for like six months. It really is the perfect personification of a zombie apocalypse. You're the first one to the Duane Reade.

You get all of the goods. You get all the food. Your family comes out strong and healthy and stout. They live on. Hey, three days later, fucking old ugly Holden McNeely comes in there, raping and pillaging the place. All he got is a couple of baked beans and some unpopped microwave popcorn. So you assume that this is what the McNeelys did? He is late to the game.

I love my fucking beans. And then he is like the guy who got all the nutrients and all the confidence. I like my fucking beans. My then he is like the guy who got all the nutrients and all the confidence. I like my fucking beans. My beans got me through some hard times. Well, also, I do have a dispatch from Ed Larson. Oh, it's here. Okay. It's hot on the press.

Okay. Is it just sounds of him chewing on a fucking chicken bone? That fat piece of shit? It's his version of a sonnet. He asked me to read it a la Ed. So, hello, fuckers. That's about right. Is that good? Yeah. It's his version of a sonnet. He asked me to read it a la Ed. Hello, fuckers! Is that good? It's me again.

I got problems. Listen, I walk everywhere out here. I got no dumb car. And every day on my way to work, I pass a place called Hot and Juicy Crawfish. But it's coming soon. It's been coming soon with no progress. Where are Eddie's crawfish? Is this your patron's diary?

Where the fuck are they? Henry, you got an answer for me? I need the juice and I need the meat. Ooh, I want to suck those tiny bug heads. Twist the middle and then cram it down my big old crawfish. Oh, okay. Jesus. Oh, God, I'm falling to pieces.

Good night, fuckers. Nobody likes holding. Oh, well, there you go. There you go. Of course. Can I tell you, I've been back from L.A. for about five seconds, and just seeing all you guys, I know why Ed left you. Shut up.

And if anybody wants to know how Ed is doing in L.A., holy shit, I know, and it's sad. That guy's got no time for nothing. I get a call from him about once a week, and I'm like, what are you doing? And I'm like, I'm here. And he's like, nah. Poor piece of shit. Hey, if you're listening, never come back.

No, that's not true, Ed. Please come back. Have you seen where he sleeps? Yeah, he sleeps in a fucking mansion He lives in a shed And he's working on a television show No he lives in a shed I stayed in that shed with Ed

For one night He lives in a guest house It's a guest house But it's a shed Marcus Parks is here as well Just hello Hello Marcus So he lives in a guest home

It's not a shed No Ed and I It's not surrounded by hay and goat I went with him one night Because Jeff Ross Who's his cousin He's staying in his guest house Which is a shed He's like come with me Jackie We's his cousin, he's staying in his guest house, which is a shed.

He's like, come with me, Jackie. We'll stay in the big house. Jeff's out of town. Ed couldn't remember the code to get into the house. Of course. It was one, two, three. So we had to go to the guest house. And there was just a bed on the floor with a bunch of leaves inside of the house.

And he let me have the bed. And he slept on the floor with a bunch of leaves inside of the house. Yeah. And he let me have the bed. And he slept on the leaves. Yeah, but what you're failing to mention is when he moved over there, it was a beautiful place full of nice beds, wonderful televisions, and he's like, get it out of here. Make it for me. Exactly. He literally put a towel on top of the leaves and slept there.

That's the best way he's slept in months. He sleeps like a pig sleeps. That's the thing. Also, Jeff comes over to the shed and roasts him as he falls asleep. All right, Marcus, give us a story. I know I'm fat. Oh, Jeff, you're just not funny anymore. He's too big.

All right, a South Carolina man has died after demonstrating the proper way to shoot yourself in the head. He definitely demonstrated it. James Gagham, 43, was watching a movie at his home in Conway early Friday morning when a witness said he began to argue a character's handling of a gun. He said, quote, that's not how it's done, before pulling the trigger three times while holding it to his head, according to witnesses. It's done. Before pulling the trigger three times while holding it to his head, according to witnesses.

Police say the death was an accident and Mr. Gagum didn't realize the black handgun was loaded. Why the focus on black handgun? Can't it be a white handgun? I see something! Firing off on the third squeeze. What a fucking dipshit. Why three times? Just do it once.

You know, then it's like, that's a crap shoot. Or just don't do it. Don't do it at all. He had to show how to properly do it. No, he didn't have to do that. He did not have to. That was not something that he had to do. If his friend hadn't looked away twice, he'd still be alive. Did you see it? Did you see it? No, man, I'm fucking missing, I'm watching the movie. Look at me now.

Yeah, it's sort of like the little kid, like, look at me, dad, look what I can do. Look what I can do, dad. Yeah, except the kid never shoots himself in the head. He just keeps living and growing Needing food and money Jackie you can't even keep a haircut for a week you're gonna Fucking lesbian haircut it is a feminine. I have a chiffon shirt on. I'm sorry. Thank you very much.

Have you guys ever thought about doing this? Put all your sperm in a petri dish or whatever? We have not. You spin it so we'll know who it is and then jam it into the jack.

Actually, I think we have thought about that. It's a round table baby. Yeah. Oh, and we'll immediately know if it comes out with Pinterest and Claus. It's Holden's. Am I right?

You're the lobster boy. Holden's ugly. I can't imagine. I just can't imagine. Yeah, it would be all retarded if it's mine. And then that would be horrible. Yeah, that's a fact. You are not allowed to put in.

No, you're 50% of the sperm. We want you. How would a round table baby stay alive? I would be like buckets of Tecate. Yeah, just sort of, you know, we'd feed it Tecate.

Charles would be like a juggalo baby. Hopefully. It would not be a juggalo. That's offensive to the juggalos. We have more class than juggalos.

Yeah, slightly more class than the juggalos. Also, I would never put makeup on a baby. Thank you very much. That's right. That's the only difference. What do you mean?

You don't want to make a baby look nice? You're right. Maybe I should get him some eye shadow. No, you need more, baby. Come here. Never name the baby either in case it dies. Yeah, just call the baby. Good call.

Yeah. So what happened to the friend in this story? Did he call the cops after the fellow shot himself in the head? Or did he eat a full rack of ribs? He had to get to the end of Fantasia. Was it Fantasia that led to this? Oh, wow. Well, the man was pronounced dead at the scene.

But, according to local news reports, Mr. Gagum made news... And, by the way, can we please acknowledge the fact that his last name is Gagum? Gagum. I thought that was a nice name. Gagum. In 2010, he thwarted a home invasion

shooting one of three suspects fatally after they broke into his home and he claimed pointing a gun at him and his wife. So he knows how guns work. Yeah. Yeah. That's why he was being so big in the britches about it. I'm just saying, if you want to show how a gun works, why wouldn't you point it at the wall or point it at your friend? Or your dick. Or your dick.

Why would you point it at your head? I mean, if you were going to demonstrate... He was demonstrating how to shoot yourself in the head. Yeah, this is how you do it. And they were listening to that song, by the way, as well. This is how you do it. Shoot yourself in the head. I guess it is.

Oh, God! He's dead! Yeah, exactly. Wow. I want to hear that remix, motherfucker. Oh, man. I'll make it tonight. Alone in the dark you how do you guys think he demonstrated shooting yourself in the head I mean I think you just put it right up there it was weird is that he did it from the back really like putting it like this how are you gonna how are you gonna shoot yourself in the head what are you gonna go with I think you have to bite down on it bite down I would go under the neck I like that now you, no. Hold it.

You can survive that. That's the thing. I knew a guy. He accidentally shot somebody when I was in high school. I was about nine. He accidentally shot somebody with a shotgun, and he let all the people from the party leave. He was there with the corpse. He had the shotgun next to his mouth.

Big standoff. Cops here. Gunshot go off. He tries to shoot himself. Shoots off his entire face. Keeps the brain alive Now he's got no face He's on suicide watch

Exactly So you gotta go into the mouth And right up to the brain Don't play around here I just put it to the side of your head That sounds like a bad party It sounds like a great party It sounds like a great party

Unless you're the one who got shot And you're like This has been fun I gotta go It was one of those theme parties It was a house of cards party Where everyone was like, you had to pick out a card that was a costume war

and then some dude blew his fucking face off. It's a really serious drinking game. Yeah. Well, if you put it in your mouth, the last thing you're going to taste is like gun oil. Yeah. I want to put it to my temple and have a nice piece of juicy fruit.

There you go. Oh, okay. That's a nice thing to do. No, man. It's juicy fruit. I'm going to lick a pussy while I'm doing it. You're going to lick a pussy while I'm doing it. You're going to eat pussy

while you fucking chew your brains out. Hell yeah, dude. Juicy fruit. I'm going to lick a pussy while I'm doing it. You're going to lick a pussy while I'm doing it? You're going to eat pussy while you fucking chew your brains out? Hell yeah, dude. Yeah. Nick, what's the last taste that you want in your mouth? That was for Jackie. Nick, what's the last taste in your mouth that you want before you die, whether you get shot in the head with a gun or ran over by a truck, whatever it might be? I want to drink a floater, a Tecate floater after a round table.

What is a Tecate floater? Oh, you know, like one of the Tecate, like the last piece of a Tecate floater after a round table? What is a Tecate floater? You know, like the last piece of a Tecate. The last little sip that's mostly someone else's saliva. Right, right, right. Just you, you fat bastard. Just dribble into a Tecate. I'll lick it up and I'll blow my fucking brains out with the biggest goddamn smile I've had since I got that laugh off of Ed Larson earlier. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Not bad. Not bad at all. Damn good answer. I choose mac and cheese. I agree with that answer. Oh, yeah. Mac and cheese.

Sorry. Speaking of... Yeah, man. I'm sorry. What was that, Henry? Oh, no, no, no. Time has passed. All right.

Speaking of swallowing spit, now, Avery, you've been staying at our house for the past, what was it, a couple of days now, Holden And he loves chaw tobacco Oh yeah Avery loves the snuff And I see you're spitting into a lot of different Pepsi bottles around And I must say, I enjoy watching it It makes me hard

Has anybody ever drunk your spit? And when that happened, were you really enthralled? Or have you ever drunk anybody else's spit? It has not happened. I'm very careful with my spittoons. I keep it clean. Avery's very cleanly bursty bottles. Avery's so much better than you are.

Just his voice. Like the timbre of his voice. But like everybody else, I've had that time at the party where you grab a can or a bottle, and you take a sip and you're not really sure, you're not quite sure what may be in there. Is it cum? Is it spit? Is it yingling?

And chances are it's typically spit and that's what happens in North Carolina and Conway at times. So that may be a reason why you blow your fucking brains out. You're there and you drink the spit and you're like, well, fuck it. I might as well fuck around with this gun a little bit.

Blow my brains. See what happens. Take it all the way. I just want to buy the ticket, take the ride. That's right. I'm from North Carolina. Oh, where from? Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

Oh, that's where Avery went to school. You know what? That's it. You're right on the roof, Avery. This is what we call segue time. Okay, Marcus. What else do you have for us to talk about? Let's segue to this. Avery, What else do you have for us to talk about?

Let's segue to this. Avery, can you do your best impression of a lizard? Of what? Like a Holden. Do your impression of Holden. Oh, that would be kind of fun. Okay, so we have McNeely on McNeely. Okay, so...

Holden, can you give... He wants the Browskis to do an example of how to impersonate your Browskis. Can we call it MC squared Neely? Yes. I like that. I like that a lot. Thank you, Nick. Like, this is Jackie.

Me, me, me, me, Jackie. Okay, that's a good impression. And Jackie? Hi, I'm Jackie. Hi. Hi. Wait, what was that before? What was the change?

What was that lead up? Is that like Jackie complaining that Jackie applied for a job? After I became a woman. That's what happened. Okay, no. This is about stage puberty. That was Jackie as a young girl. Personal voice.

And then stage persona. That's right. Okay, good. Okay, Jackie. Real voice, stage persona. No, personal voice would have to be like a... It's a pig noise, isn't it? Okay, okay.

That's good. I like it. And then his stage voice would probably have to be like a... Yeah, I'm Henry. I'm the beautiful girl. Yeah, yeah. This is the most avant-garde impression I've ever heard. It's beautiful.

Okay, Holden, what's your impression of your brother? Hey. Avery is, hey, I'm the better brother. And then stage persona is just like, hey, I'm the better brother. Good, he's not much of an actor. He's tougher. And he's strong. And Avery, how would you describe Holden with voice? Wow. He's not much of an actor. He's tougher. And he's strong.

How would you describe Holden with voice? Wow. Ka-ka! That's both real life and on stage persona. Holden doesn't change. He's timeless. He's timeless. That's accurate, absolutely. Honestly, though, that's like the fifth applause break we've had in the show so far.

All right, next up. How many people are at home applauding right now? Woo! You know that's right. Racism! Racism. All right, next up. Not everyone at Google has a cushy job.

As evidenced by a disturbing story a former contractor for the company relates to BuzzFeed, his job was to search out the worst type of content imaginable found on Google sites. He estimates he looked at perhaps 15,000 child porn images, which must be removed within 24 hours and reported to authorities. Open mic stand-up clips. He's just like, God damn it,

these YouTube clips are really killing me. Each day. He was given no emotional support and says months of this work put him in, quote, a really dark place. I mean, he gets to see the fresh new shit. He does. I used to have a job where I was quality control for on-demand programming, and I had to sit in a dark room with a bunch of other dudes watching porn. Oh, what a hard job that must have been.

Yeah, it's really disgusting. That sounds like high school. Exactly. It sounds like a wonderful job. And what kind of porn did you watch most of? It was all softcore porn. Oh, that's the sad thing. No DP.

And I didn't get any emotional support. That's right. No emotional support. I want to see a penis going in a vagina. It is a tough game. They should have just gotten you to do this, Marcus. You would have done this job for free. You would have been great at being the Google searcher

looking for the scum of the internet. I'd do it for lunch. Yeah, you'd do it for life. But also, what I always find interesting, too, because people always talk about the MacBooks, like the government washes you through your fucking camera on your MacBook. They see a lot of cum face. Yeah, and there's some dude probably in the FBI who sits in a fucking cubicle

and somewhere in Virginia. Yes, I watch the cum. Yeah, he just watches fat dude after fat dude. Like, I don't know if you've ever, there's nothing more disgusting. Seen you masturbate? No, I have not. Think about this. No, but the look at a man's eyes when he's watching porn

has got to be the most dead, horrible stare. It is. You just watch man after man. Yeah, just clinical, like he's looking at papers of data. I feel like the thought that I have the most when I'm watching porn is like, get there, get there, get there. Thank you. All right, I'm done.

Hey, Welty, you ever been on... Chris Welty is here. Welty, you ever been online and you found yourself stumbling upon something that you're like, this is illegal? Occasionally, you go on porn sites

and you're like, that is an 11-year-old. I am reporting it. Yes. Have you ever had something like that happen? What's the one? Who's the one?

And I documented it. I downloaded it. I did research. You did research knowing that it should not be on the internet. That's right. What's her name?

Little Lulu? You know that one? No. She's like a little... What? What's about her? She looks like she's about 14, but she's been doing porn for probably like... I know.

The Hispanic girl. Yeah, yeah. She looks like she's 14, but she's been... Just gained an FBI agent. We got a new podcast. Cape Comedy Radio has a new... It's a child porn? Yeah, I know what you're talking about

Cave Comedy Radio has a new podcast It's called Oh Yeah Yeah Yeah The Hispanic Girl Fucking Welty talking about wonderful smut Well that's good Tell us about her though What does she look like? Hispanic? A 14 year old Hispanic

But she's like 30 But like hairless No she's not hairless She Yeah, yeah. She's probably, I mean, she's. No, she's not hairless. She's got an airplane strip. That's disgusting. Nick, do you want to chime in on this? That's not an airplane strip.

Yeah, it's a landing strip. Yeah, it goes from her chin all the way down to her pussy. It just sounds like. Have you ever heard of that? It just sounds like. I think we've stumbled upon something. A new type of porn that I think we're going to make a babillion dollars on. Oh, wow.

A babillion. It's just videos of guys' faces while they're jacking off. Copyright Nick Turner 2012. I feel like this exists. This has to exist. It does exist. Fuck you! You thought of it, Nick.

Thank you. Yeah, you definitely thought of it. Bye! There's both men and women. Yeah, where you can just look at the O-face. Oh, I've of it, Nick. Thank you. Yeah, you definitely thought of it. Bye. There's both men and women. Yeah, where you can just look at the O face. Oh, I've seen the women one. I've watched it. What's that called?

Beautiful Agony. Beautiful Agony. I fucking love those. That's the thing. Like that, Jackie? In Nick Turner's, though. You're being much worse today than I am being. Thank you very much.

Yeah, say something terrible to make some freak out. You were just saying earlier. I love the look on my boyfriend's face while he watches porn and he's inside of me. I love what she just said. No, but that's true. In Nick Turner's version, though, there is no O-face.

It's just the guy watching the porn. And also, even if he orgasms, he's not putting on a fucking show for the camera. He doesn't know anyone's there.

It's like, if anything, it's like half a blink. That's all it is. Well, you can't make a lot of noise if your roommate's home. I think it's like that moment where you see a comedian get the light, and it's like you as a comedian can tell. It's like, yeah, I got it. Good work. Yeah, because you just see him just sort of like switch to watching television, like from

the MacBook. He's like, wait, that's a Frasier episode. And I don't know what to do. He's going through his horse. What is rambling? Yeah, that's very, very true. What was that? Why was that the theme song for Frasier?

What was that? For fun and rambling. He sings that song on marathons. Who What was that? Toss salad and scrambled eggs. He sings that song on marathons. Who gives a shit? That's not a good idea. On the telethons, he sings it every time they have a telethon. Toss salad and scrambled eggs? Are there still telethons?

Who eats that? No, he's talking about... Toss salad and scrambled eggs. Racism! It's about the crazy people that call into a show. They're toss salads and scrambled eggs. They are. I don't think that's the case.

That's terrible. That's the case. I don't think that. Really? Do you have a better answer, Mr. Sherman? I think we said it. Frasier or whatever that guy is. It all sounds like ass play.

Kelsey Grammer is singing it. That's it. I think Kelsey Grammer is wonderful. I would love to see him come. I think that the male. Wait. I would love to see him come. I think that the male... Wait. What? What happened?

What happened? No, no, no. What? The male orgasm face is so much more disgusting than the female orgasm face, though. The male orgasm face is so aggressive and squinty-eyed, and women just open up.

They blossom. I feel like men really shut down like little shrimps. If you had to... I feel like you really define your sexuality by looking at the orgasm face. If you look at a man orgasm face. That's actually how I can tell genders. But maybe we need to put more effort into our orgasm faces.

I try to make mine sound really good. Yeah, just like, oh, yes. See, I love the male orgasm face. I think it's great because it's great because it's so concentrated. There's nothing else is in his mind besides coming inside me. But only for that brief microsecond. We just said that there was something. I have definitely tried to put something in my mind when I'm coming and go like,

Oh, yeah. What do you put in your mind when you do the, oh, yeah? I'm just trying to put on a show, trying my hardest, but then afterwards it's like, eh. I always try to act like I'm coming for the first time and I don't know what's going on. I'm just like, oh, what? Am I diseased? You know, like, yeah.

Is this pissing? Is this ever going to pissing? White pissing. Avery, do you and Holden talk about sex? We have from time to time. All the time? They've never had sex because they're always too busy talking about it. That's most relationships.

I feel like guys when it comes to... And they're brothers. I feel like brothers are different from brother and sister. Have you talked to your brother about sex? Of course. Both of them. They were my sex education. They taught me all about it. Yeah. Okay. So Marcus.

He's 10 years younger than him. That's a sad thing. Marcus brings up a good point, though. The elderly brother helps out when it comes to sexual ideas and whatnot. I have an older sister. Older or sister. Avery, what was some of the advice that you gave Holden that obviously he did not follow because he's a terrible lover?

What was something that you told Holden growing up? Oh, man. You're doing well. Oh, my God. You should have heard this one girl with him. She was, I think she might have been a hitter. Okay. So what was a piece of advice that you gave Holden growing up?

I just talked him through the jackhammer a little bit. Whoa, what's the jackhammer? The McNeely jackhammer. You've got to, yeah, there's straps involved, and then you've got to throw it up there, but you've got to hit it at the right angle. And if you don't, then you fail miserably. But, I mean, if you hit it just right.

You kill the uterus. He actually called me while he was performing it. And I talked him through it. He was like, you know. And you're like, let the boy go. Let the boy go, Holden. I killed the girl. And be sure the face that you have, like, you know, put on the mask.

Like, do the thing. Because otherwise it just loses all momentum. The jackhammer, that's a thing? I never heard of it before. Well, you can only do it before 8 a.m., am I right, New York City? Yeah! Yeah, that's a thing, though. Only in New York.

Nick, do you have brothers and sisters? Racism. That's a great question. Are you the eldest? No, I have one older brother. Oh, okay. Did he give you any special advice when it comes to the love-making skills? No.

Do you guys, brother and sister, do you guys talk about sex at all? Only when I have to do it for comedic effect here on the Roundtable. Like I was saying, I have an older sister and we do not talk about sex also. I have a younger sister and she talks to me about sex. Yuck.

No. Like, regularly. That's gross. I don't talk to her a lot. No, no, no. Yeah, don't pick up the phone. That's the best way to avoid it. No doy.

How old is your sister, Micah? She's hot. 28. I'm sorry. Oh, this is where we already had the conversation. About what? About me wanting to have sex with your sister. Wow. This is a vaudeville the conversation. About what? About me wanting to have sex with your sister. Wow.

This is a vaudeville routine we're working on. About what then? Okay. Holden, did you take Avery's advice when it came to the jackhammer? I have attempted the jackhammer several times, and that is why I have a basket that no one can look into. What does that mean? A basket? I have a basket that no one can look into. A basket? I have a sort of, there is a sort of excess that happens from a woman post-Jackhammer when done wrong.

Is it like a mucus? It's fucking blood! Gallons and gallons and gallons of blood! Honestly, which I'm fine with that. But when an eyeball got involved, I was done. Wait, Welty, do you have siblings? I got all half siblings.

No legs, huh? Your dad was a rapist. Isn't that interesting? I would have sex with your sister. They still count. He just walked right into that horrible Fucking shower of abuse for no reason Well like my mom My sister we have the same mom

I'm closer with her than my dad's kids Are any of the like girl half sisters Like tits Yeah my 8 year old half sister Great tits Very gently put, gentlemen. Guys, don't ruin this for me. Continue. Marcus, give us a story.

You can't buy a bucket. He's on fire. He's going to jail. Fuckin' his sister. Bazonga, bazonga. A Texas woman has been found guilty of shooting dad her 10th husband to collect his $175,000 life insurance policy, despite trying to blame her own son for the slaying. Hell yeah, money fucking rules everything.

Sharon Maxwell 44 lied and said her 19-year-old son, James, shot her husband, Gordon Maxwell, four times in the head and then set fire to his body in his pickup truck in an attempt to get off the murder. Awesome. That's great. What a way to do it. Have we decided why you want to have a baby just so in 18 years you can kill somebody and pin it on them?

See, the thing is you get married to kill your husband eventually. You don't want to be with someone for more than 10 years, right? Isn't that the goal? Yes. You're going to divorce them. And if you're gonna divorce them you might as well fucking blow their brains out and set their stupid shitty pickup truck on fire high five i mean he was in the pickup truck husbands she had this was his 10th husband because you can't no no no one you have to kill him guys did you that's true the 10th one's part where she's 40 fucking 4? Yeah.

She's 40. No, I didn't. Nick Turner brings up an amazing 10 husbands, 44. What is the math on that? 18, you can start getting married. How did 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 fall into that trap? I think they all just committed suicide. Yeah, she did it themselves. Is she a blonde?

Yes. Wow. On a trap. No, she is not hot. She's kind of a blonde? Yes. Wow. On a track. No, she is not hot. She's kind of a witchy woman. Witchy woman. Witchy woman. Why did you say that?

Who has ever described anyone as a witchy woman besides that song? Please do some amazing and just play that entire song right now. Do you have an idea of how much you have to want to kill somebody do some amazing and then you just play that entire song right now. Oh, bad, but yeah. Do you have an idea of how much you have to want to kill somebody by shooting them in the head

four times? Four. He was the beater. It's fine. No. They had only been married for five months. Sure.

Yeah. This is how you do it. This is how you do it. The court heard Mr. Maxwell had previously told friends at the steel plant where he worked that his wife was, quote, good with a.357 handgun. That's how you do it. The court heard Mr. Maxwell had previously told friends at the steel plant where he worked

that his wife was, quote, good with a.357 handgun. That's awesome. Very nice. So Jackie, you approve of this method of divorce? I mean, I just wish she could have gotten away with it. The thing is that if she could have made the son seem more evil, she probably could have gotten away with it. Definitely.

What's your weapon of mastery? Axe. Axe, okay. Yeah, no, if I'm going to do it like... Lizzie Borden style. What? Lizzie Borden style. Exactly.

Like, I think that if you really want someone dead, you should chop them up with an axe. I feel like that's respectful even to the person you want dead. How do you make that look accidental? How do you accidentally chop yourself... You get rid of the body. Yeah, you feed it to dogs. You're already... Yeah, or gators.

Dogs can't eat bone like that. No, you take it down to the fucking alligator alley down in Miami. I feel like the axe has too much of a backswing, and they see you coming, and then you can't go for another one. No, you literally go to sleep. Or you give them a bunch of medication so they're, like, in a stupor, so they can watch you do it. Well, that's medication and an axe.

Yeah, it's great. Well, you're going to get rid of the body, so it doesn't matter. See, I would give them... You can give them a bunch of meds, and then just wrap a plastic bag around their head and then kind of tie a bunch of bungee cords around it. You don't want them to be alive while you do it, though, at least to see the first few swings. See, I'm thinking, myself, I'm thinking if you really want to get into it,

sledgehammer, but you don't hit them in the head. What you start off with is a nice, good swing to the ribs. Ah, misery! Yeah, crack it. Just really crack all the ribs because once you do that, those ribs are going to crack, and they're going to puncture the lung. See, I've been getting really good at the combat whip, which is something that's like a rear guard, and it's got a hand guard.

It's a combat whip. It's not really useful in modern combat, but when it comes to, like... Like samurai? But when you're on a horse. Yeah, if you want to really just whip someone hard. Combat whip. How about you give them a bunch of meds, and then you take calipers and open up their butthole.

Every five minutes, you just click at a new one until they just bleed out through their ass. So you're gaping them. Torturing something. Yeah, gaping them open. Gape to death. Gape to death. That's a good name for a horse.

What about global warming? Whoa! Somebody said it. Nobody is clapping along. That was such a forced clap. Oh, terrific! We got Al Gore sitting over here. Please watch current TV.

Ava, you've been in a relationship for a while. How do you want to kill your girlfriend? Wow. Avery, you've been in a relationship for a while How do you want to kill your girlfriend? Wow Like you haven't thought about it They're engaged to be married Oh, I'm sorry Congratulations

Avery, you've been with your gal for a while How do you want to kill your fiance? And this has to be totally truthful Wow This is Don't tell the total truth Because when you do it We don't want to have it on record

Yeah Jackhammer. It seems like all of these methods have been really well thought out. I'm not sure if I've gotten quite to that. It's impulsive. It'd be out of a fit of rage. I just thought of that at the top of my head.

Yeah, me too. Is that sad? I don't know. What would upset you the most? Medication, axes, calipers, you know, fit of rage. Fit of rage. What would your... Like, if your fiancé came home calipers, you know, fit of rage. Fit of rage. What would your, like, if your fiance came home really drunk. Like, she cheated on you with all that. Oh, I was drinking into bars, and I was sucking all these fucking dicks, and I'm like, I got

cum in my hair. I can't touch you tonight. I got cum in my hair. And then, like, and then what are you going to do to her? Oh, I'm fucking, you know, yeah, you're good for me. If I had a nickel. You know? Four.

And not only that, but she's pregnant with Holden's child. Oh, don't bring that into it. Oh, so it's half lizard. I think I'd just let, you know, let life take care of itself. I'd let it take its course.

Oh, he's so... Wow. He's so peaceful. Wow. He'll let time kill her. Why not? Yeah, let it just... I mean, yeah,

I think that is definitely the way. He is a good man. He's taking the global warming approach. Oh, wow. Exactly. No, no, no. No, no, no. It's real.

It's real. I agree. I agree. Watch great TV. Nick, did you say Obama? Usually. I didn't hear Obama. Marcus, what's up, buddy?

Just stand up for my global warming. Yeah, it's going to take a while because it doesn't exist. All right. Hello. Hot button issue. Hot button, hot button. Yeah, it doesn't exist. Oh, I got half the round table.

Not bad, not bad. This is how easy it is. This is how you win an argument. I like that he said words. No, I like that he said words. It's like this is real time with Bill Maher. Your words, my words, your words, my words. Let's make the applause break useless.

I would like that. Yeah. Fuck an applause break. Just wait. Wait till I'm done. No, Fuck an applause break. Just wait. Wait till I'm done. No, stop. Wait till I'm done. Just wait till I'm done with what I'm doing.

And then applaud. Okay. Thank you very much. Obama. Obama. Obama 2012. Yeah. All right.

We're going into animal news for this week. Squawk. Squawk. Squawk. Squawk. Racawk, squawk. Racism. One whale's upset stomach is about... Is it ape news?

Shut the fuck up, Jackie. It's whale news. It's about whales. One whale's upset stomach is about to make an eight-year-old boy in Britain a tidy little prophet. Oh, nice. Oh, God. What's that? A tiny gentleman waiting for a tiny prophet. profit. Oh, nice. Oh, God. We're tiny gentlemen waiting for tiny profit.

The youth found two solidified clumps of whale vomit on a beach. And as any reader who has made it to chapter 92 of Moby Dick remembers, that's valuable stuff. Perfume makers in particular prize the waxy substance which is called

ambergris, and used as a fixative in the making of Pretty Scents. Young Charlie Naismith found about a pound of it. Hey, mommy, look, I found a book full of them. Oh, that's great. And his family thinks it could be worth about $60,000.

Not bad. Little whale vomit. Very pricey. I am going to stick my hand down a bunch of whales' throats and make a fucking killing. I just can't wait for whale bikini season where all these guys are trying to get in the shape. Can you cut whale vomit with your own fucking vomit and make a real fortune? I think there's no way to not to. There's no way? I think that's no way to not to. There's no way?

I think that if you have a bucket of whale vomit... What's the longest whale vomit that's ever been carried while remaining exclusively whale vomit? That's a good point. I think there's some Eskimo shit in this. We need to start a complex with female whales calling them too fat and they'll just become

bulimics and start barfing all over the shores. Whale-imics? What does it look like? Whalemics. How does somebody know? I know what amaryllis looks like. What's the general quantity, too? Yellow. It's about a pound. Wait, what is it? Amethyst? Ambergris. I thought it would be more than a pound.

And you put it in perfume? What is ambergris? What is that? Ambergris has been used in perfume for centuries. What is it? How do I identify it? It's whale vomit, Micah. It's a thing you don't buy, girls. It's yellow clumps. It's weird yellow.

If I see yellow clumps on the beach, I go and pick it up. What do I go, a pawn shop? You puke into it. Does anyone else hate Marcus for knowing what this is? He knows a lot about weird things. I don't because Marcus doesn't know about this. He's making it up right now. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are. You have no idea about this. I swear to God I'm not making this up. This is knowledge that is in my head. Yeah, believe me. We did the whole big balls on pigs thing, and he proved us wrong. Oh, God. It was so terrible.

You guys, that picture. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, did you guys see that? I sent out a picture. I found a picture Only days after we talked About the pig balls How big Huge balls

Yeah exactly And I found a picture Of a pig Whose balls were so big Fucking huge That it took a shit And the turd Didn't make it past the balls

Oh my god It was just sitting On the balls The balls are nature's goal We've all seen The elephant Titus guy We've all seen That's not out of the question that a pig has got big nuts.

That's how it is, Jim. What is out of the question is you know what vomit to pick up on the beach and sell to who? I just don't know how you know that it's whale vomit. Exactly. And an eight-year-old kid knows it. Yeah, an eight-year-old kid's like, hey, this is what I want. I want to take this. I've got an innate sense for selling this to somebody.

Is it just a puddle of liquid or is it like a big jelly jam? It's very hard. It's a hard substance. You know when you've got a real bad... Can you pull up a picture of it on Google? Take a look at these balls, by the way. Nick Turner did a wonderful job. Nick pulled up some

pig balls on his phone. They are some really fantastic sex. They are some really fantastic sacks. They're like little butts. His name was Charles Naismith. James Naismith was the inventor of the game of basketball. 1890. It was actually a peach basket.

You took it from me. Ambergris. Check it out. Disgusting. I wouldn't want to touch that. What were you going to say? It looks like truffle. Alright, yes, ambergris. Check it out. It's disgusting. I wouldn't want to touch that. I don't care how much money. Oh, hold on. What were you going to say? No, I mean, that doesn't look like anything. That's not bad.

Holden, didn't you have one of those removed from your neck last year? It looks like a calcified twin. I think it's grown back. It's waxy. It looks like something you'd pick up. It looks like something shitty they'd sell at some vegan restaurant. This is the turd photo. So it smells good or bad?

What's that? It smells good? It doesn't smell good on its own, but they can extract certain chemicals from it to make a parfum. I don't know. Nice. We just saw the turd photo. Yeah, it's pretty good. It's used as a fixative. Oh, isn't that nice? What is a fixative? A fix again. Yeah, it's pretty good. The little poo-poo resting on the balls there. It's used as a fixative.

Oh, isn't that nice? What is a fixative? A fixative... Like a poo. Yeah. It's like a thing that makes things happen. It's for dentures.

A thing that makes things happen. Yeah, it's like a wonker box. Why are we... We need to move on. Why is everybody lying so much? No one knows what they're talking about. I want to read

Marcus's dictionary. He wrote his own. All the definitions have thing in it at least. It's like a thing that you have. It's written on five wooden planks. It may or may not have it. It may or may not exist. Okay, it's a thing where you go thing thing

and then there's a thing and over there a thing is thinging. Thanks for buying my thingtionary. Copyright me. Copyright me. Copyright me. Yeah, it doesn't say Marcus. It says me. Copyright me.

I think it's wonderful. Facts are just about how confident you are. It doesn't have to be real. Yeah, you know how many things... You're right. You know how many things I've delivered on this show as fact, and then someone will believe me and I'll just say, no, of course not.

It's on the internet. But no, about Ambergris, all of that is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. Sure, why not? Well, lucky find on the beach. Bad thing to step in, but nice thing to recognize. Duck vomit is used in bullets.

Isn't that something fun? Isn't that something fun? Isn't that something fun? Put it up to your head. Guns are ducks. Guns are ducks. You put a gun butt next to your head. A duck gun. A duck butt next to your head.

That was a problem. This is dangerous as a gun. That's the reason why no one stopped the... You're listening right now. Guns are ducks. Guns are ducks and duck poop is a bullet. Guns are ducks.

Devolution. That's why nobody stopped the Aurora guy because he walked in there with that cute family of ducks following him. You were bringing up this Aurora story a lot today. Why would you duck if you... You don't duck when a guy isn't ducking.

You don't want to be punny. There's nothing more embarrassing than being punny. Romney. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. All right. I feel like just to make my soul not go to hell I gotta say Newt Gingrich

but we'll move on one more fact about ambergris what a fixative is I looked it up it is used to prolong the scent oh it's like napalm how white sticks to little Vietnamese it's the guy on the elevator that I'm fucking about to fucking die from,

as if he's past gas, but it's his perfume. Yes. If you go hunting, you rub deer piss on you. Yes. Yeah, yeah. Yes. It's like when you're shooting a bullet, you want it to... Did you hear the entire body, and that's where the duck comes in.

Chris Welty. If you go hunting with your ducks. Yeah, I think you've got to replace it. If you go dating, you rub deer piss on you. If you go dating. your ducks. I think you've got to replace it. If you go dating, you rub deer piss on you. If you go dating. It's Wisconsin here, my friend. Last story before we get to our segment today. No yawning, Nick.

A Los Angeles man who managed to steal a police cruiser early this morning took it on a joyride only to crash into another vehicle, a light post, and a Starbucks all at once. He lost both legs in the incident. Good for him. Newt, Newt, Newt.

You know, the thing is, but you don't understand this, you don't need to steal a cop car. Every cop, if you ask a cop directly, he has to let you drive his car for two minutes. Is that right? He has to. I didn't know that. You don't need to steal it. After two minutes and only then he can say, hey, we're not going to do

some charity work. That's very interesting. Avery's going to piss. It's fine. Avery is going to piss. You're going to go see his dick. Boys always go to the bathroom together. Isn't that one of the main differences? I can't wait to see the physical feet of Micah trying to get past the two biggest men in the room.

We're watching right now. Here's a sound interpretation. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, I can't believe I'm seeing them for the first time. Spend no expense. Do you think that they're going to play? What do you guys call it? I'm Jeff Goldblum's black kid. You have plants in this office because you think they're pretty. They're poisonous.

Interesting. So since Avery's gone, does he know about you and your mom? We have discussed. Does he know about you and your mom? We have discussed Does he know about you and mommy? I'm just going to leave this note right now You fucked your mom? We will find out soon Hey

Personal message moment Fucking make sure you bring The coconut Avery's coming back I can imagine How like the pounding That Avery's coming back. I can imagine how the pounding that Avery put on you. Don't interrupt Holden when he talks to his mother.

Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot. He gets upset. Oh, Avery's back. Okay, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry that I didn't interrupt that. So, Avery, Holden was talking to Mommy, who is also your mommy Have you listened to the program before? I've not

Holden has a love affair with his mother He cannot have her! No, he cannot have her If he did, he would win so hard Avery, Holden really loves your combined mother And I would love to get your opinion of your mother. And I want to compare it and contrast it with the one Holden McNeely. She's a very sweet and kind lady.

A lot of respect for her. Soft spoken. I very much. Beanbags. She's amazing. I mean, she's my guiding light. Really? And yeah.

And from what I'm told, there are a lot of disparaging comments that are made here on the show, and that's why I'm here, actually. I came to New York to set the record straight. Daddy's out of town. Would you say that you love Mommy? Is it about Daddy?

I do. I do. God. So much. Hey, no, no. You can't come back in right now. You have to stay out here. No, do. God. So much. Hey, no, no, Michael, you can't come back in right now. You have to stay out here. No, no.

Okay. So you would say that you love Mommy as much as Holden loves Mommy. I do. Sup, sup, sup. More? Do you think you love your mother more than Holden does? More? Do you think you love your mother more than Holden does?

I don't know if it's as sexual as his relationship. Do you feel like he's ever jackhammered her? I'm afraid so. We've heard it here on the ground, David. Let Micah back in. Micah, Micah, Micah, Micah. I'm sorry. We're just a very intimate, McNeely love affair with her. Wow, that is genetically the McNeely boys love their mother.

Just like by definition of their DNA. Okay, well. I, there are no words. 110%. Make. All right. I wonder why. No, give me this time

Yeah take it take it You have 15 seconds Lines of rainbows Finding her Within the black Crevice of sweat Beating Jesus Christ

You see that's how I feel Every episode Jesus Christ. See, that's how I feel every episode. I have to sit next to Jackie every time. It's the same feeling. Yeah, except for Jackie's stuff is real. Yeah, Jackie's stuff is real. I'm talking about the cum-covered orifices of my body.

What does it taste like? It's almost like an ambergris. Let's just see. Obama 2012. Yeah! Gary Johnson? Gary Johnson? Well, he's a homosexual. I know, but he can't do it.

Sorry. Nick, do you ever fantasize about your mother? Don't be angry, Nick. Don't make an angry face. Nick, do you ever fantasize about your mom? I don't fantasize about my mother, but I do love mother porn. And that is from jail. That is Nick from jail. Good fellas,

Nick. Look, when I'm in jail, I really got to take it down a couple of notches. You don't want to be peacocking in jail. All right? You want to get through it? You just want to do your time. Hey, Nick, who are you talking to over there? I got to go, guys. I got to get some wine in the bathtub come over here i mean toilet i want to have a bathtub oh that's the horrible that's grandma mcnulty he dresses like a little old

lady but he's the fucking worst murderer in this jam all right it's time for a segment from old mcneely all right we're doing brother-sister trading. Treat it as if it's like some kind of draft situation. I mean, you can attempt to make a basic trade, absolutely. But honestly, you can also throw in that dowry to try to up things up a notch. I'll start. I'll start off. I have to trade off my brother, which I kind of don't want to do because he is the better brother.

He's perfect. But that's why whoever I try to trade him off to, which I kind of don't want to do because he is the better brother. He's perfect. But that's why whoever I try to trade off to should accept it. Henry, I want Jax. Wow. That's right. I want Jackie to be my sister. I'm standing strong. I don't want to trade my sister.

Okay, fine. Well, you're going to have to in a little bit, but either way. You got two, you selfish prick. Wait, why do you have to? You don't want the other one. You got two, you selfish prick. Wait, why do you have to? You don't want the other ones. I don't think you have to. Nobody wants the other ones. Give him a dowry.

You can't stand firm in this? I don't want to go to Holden. Henry, help. Henry, help me. All right. I don't want to go to Holden. I don't want to do this anymore. You're wildly uncomfortable.

Sweeten the pot. Sweeten the pot. So you're not going to take the basic trade? I can't take the basic trade. I look up to Avery as a strong man. And it's nice to have someone strong, bigger. Better than Holden. Better, smarter, faster.

But this is my sister. We're a tag team. This is what you get with my brother. You get my magic pants. The magic pants? In one pocket. In the left pocket. Every time you put your. Oh, the magic pants? In one pocket in the left pocket, every time you put your hand in, you pull it out, you get a pound of beef brisket

in your hand. In my hands or my pants? In the right pocket. It doesn't affect the pants. In the right pocket every time. It never makes the hand. It doesn't make it all slick with salt? No, it never does. And you don't even need a wet nap. Yeah, never. It never does.

That's different.'re mad at. That's different. I thought this was going to be one of those, like, monkey's hand wishes where it's just like you covered a barbecue sauce. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're fine. You're doing good. Fuck. In the right pocket, in the right pocket, every time you reach hand in, you get a fucking

big bag of sweet leaf. A big fat bag of nugs. I don't know, though, but I got nugs. I do got nugs. Do you have brisket? Do you have nugs 24-7? Do you have brisket 24-7? Do you have pockets full?

Clean brisket. You literally don't have to wash. And if I remember correctly, and you're a big eater, so I know you're going to like this. Hey, don't you talk to me like that. That was so creepy. Fuck you, Marcus.

That was so middle school basketball coach. That was so creepy. Fuck you, Marcus. That was so middle school basketball coach. That was so fucking creepy. I know you're a big eater, so I know you're going to like this. I'm going to take you to Shoney's, son. It's just going to be you and me, and we can talk about your parents. Yeah, but Henry, I would beat the shit out of Marcus for you. So why don't you think about that? Oh, okay.

I don't want you to hurt him. Here's what you get with the magic pants as well. You can use the magic pants as a napkin to wipe your hands of any food substance and it will not stain the magic pants. Marcus, you're adding to Holden's sale.

It's true! That also just sounds like jeans. Alright, let's lay it on the line. That's what you get. My brother and my magic pants for just one Jackie. What are we doing? You really want me that bad all day? I want you bad, Jax. The only thing, but this is the thing, is that if you...

Don't succumb to him. If you have to take Jack, if, like, I, you know, you'll have to take Jackie. Yeah. And you'll have to take... The older one? No. Okay. Four buckets of my body sweat.

For drinking? For drinking. For drinking body sweat. Over how many years? Yeah. Now. This is the thing. I have to chug four...

How big is the bucket? Standard bucket. What is that? A fucking quarter... I don't know. What is a bucket? There's paint buckets, and then there's also drummer buckets. A beer bucket.

Yeah, a beer bucket. A beer bucket. And I have to chug them all right now. Yeah. That's impossible. That doesn't exist. But I get Jackie forever. It's not impossible for Holden.

You get Jackie, I get Avery in your magic pants. I get Jackie forever. But you lose Avery forever. Except for two days. Christmas Day and July 4th. Oh, okay. July 4th and fuck it, no. Absolutely not. Alright, then this is off. You're not gonna get it.

I keep my brother. No deal. Fourth of July is the best day. Fine. He should consider drinking a bucket of sweat. No, I wouldn't drink the sweat. Take her away for Fourth of July. It's the best Jackie Day. It's the best Jackie Day. That's what I want her for.

It's a good Jackie Day. Yeah, it's the best Jackie Day. Christmas Day too, Henry. What's up? Woo! All right, by the way, Margaret's like this. Margaret's is fundamentally flawed.

Everyone's going to be like, I'm going to hold on to my siblings. They've been with me my whole life. I know them. I know them. Hold and you get a zero. All right, fine. Alright, fine. Anyone who fails to trade does not win.

That's a hard trade to make. I can't lose her for 4th of July. And on top of that, Marcus is going to keep track of the trade, so if you want to trade somebody's brother, it might be a different brother by that point. I don't know. It's a hard game. It is a hard game. One could argue it's a bad one.

But, that don't know. It's a hard game. It is a hard game. One could argue it's a bad one. But that doesn't matter. I got a couple of gays to throw your way, Micah. Give me that sweet 28-year-old girl that you would know. Can we get a back story? Have you ever met Ben's brothers? They're awesome. They're amazing men. Are you trading me both your gay brothers for my sister?

I'm going to give you both gays for one gal. Done. Done. It's done. Yeah. Damn, that was easy. And they said I would never be able to sell my two older brothers for one 28-year-old girl. They're great.

They're like entrepreneurs. They all said it. I've heard it before. They're smart. They have a lot of money. Okay, so tell me about the girl that I just acquired because it was a blind trade. Yeah, this was a blind. Tell me about the girl that I just acquired, because it was a blind trade. Yeah, this was a blind... Tell me about the boys that I just got.

Six-foot-eleven man who's going to pound you every single night in your sweet, sweet shit pool. It's a monkey spinger's wish! Yeah! The monkey spinger! The other brother will bake and cook for you. He will look at you sadly when you're crying after my older brother punishes your butt as if it's been bad, bad, bad. Yeah, but they're both really nice. But they're nice. So sweet.

Are we brothers now? Or I just get to have them? No, you have two gay men now that you have to feed and fuck. But I have your younger sister. She's a Montessori teacher? What does that mean? What's a Montessori?

What's a Montessori mean? It's a school where they don't learn anything. It means you got the raw end of the deal. But they're very expensive. No, but show them the picture. She's also a belly dancer. Oh, very good. I want in.

Is she hot? I want in. Oh, you want to trade? Yeah, I want to trade you. Do you have a sister? No, but I have a brother. Because I have Mike. You have a brother.

I have a brother, and I want to tell you about him. He is 35 this week. 35 this week. He works for the Department of Defense. Love it. He currently lives in Bogota.

I want him. He is the assistant to the defense attache at the U.S. Embassy in Columbia. I want him. I haven't been there, but I know he lives in a condo that has four bathrooms. He has a personal driver that drives him around in an armored car. I'll give you a trade.

He's going to be a millionaire. That's absolutely true. Nick, I'll give you a trade. Wait, wait, wait. He's going to be a millionaire or he is a millionaire? He is not a millionaire. That's absolutely true. Nick, I'll give you a trade. Wait, wait, wait. He's going to be a millionaire or he is a millionaire? He's probably a millionaire in Colombia. This has nothing to do with you, Micah, because you already have

two men that you have to milk. I have two great gay men. I don't want your fucking gay men. However, this man... Mr. Nick Turner, I have a brother that is in a Martin Scorsese movie right now. You get the last name. Do I already get along

with him really well? You already get along with him really well. I get to immediately have him, but we have a brother-sister marriage. I get the private driver on my own. I get all four back. Do we all live in the same house? Actually, yes. Yay! Take your gay, mate!

Take your gay bros and your fake teacher sister. We're all just going to live with him and his brother. What's the downside in this, though? Jackie is no longer your sister. She cannot go to family events. No, we are all individual entities, but living with his brother in his house. Free agents!

We're free agents, and we all get this game out hold on there's some side dealing I heard my brother's name Avery Avery Avery Avery Avery I'd like to trade you a couple of gay guys. This is two men. Are you trading my brothers that I fucking gave you out of my respect and love? I'd like to trade you two gay men for Holden. For Holden. Why would you do that? Straight up. Why would you trade two gay men for one gay man?

They're great dudes. I'd only consider it if you'll take my feral tabby cat. She's not off one paw, I mean she's She needs her medicine Give him your fiance In addition to that Give him your mother I've also got Wow

Why did it just go there No I'm just kidding So what are we doing Am I just stuck with your fucking fat sister So what are we doing? Am I just stuck with your fucking fat sister? She's not fat. Why are you doing that to his sister? She's a belly dancer, dude. Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it means she's got a belly. No, it doesn't. Michael, your problem is that if you really listen to the podcast, you'll know that Ben likes women that are 300 plus pounds. Well, he already got my sister, and he loses. You lose, I guess. You lose every game. This is broken down.

Avery, you take him to trade. You trade him in for the gay brothers. I'll take the cat. Mike is taking the cat. I'll take the cat and hold him. I love the cat a lot. I mean, the cat means a lot to me. So we're going to have to do more than that. More? You have to do more. The cat means a lot. Keep the cat and hold. I love the cat a lot. I mean, the cat means a lot to me. So we're going to have to do more than that.

More? You have to do more. The cat means a lot. Keep the cat. She's got two Kissel gays on the line here. It's only got three paws, but I mean, it's amazing. Okay, well, keep the cat. Keep the cat.

I'll just take Holden for the two gay guys. Okay, the two gays. Ah, shit. You can totally do it. Don't feel guilty about letting him hold it. Like, they're so much better than Holden. Your life's going to get better, man. They're so much more attractive. More successful Your life's going to get better, man.

They're so much more attractive. What do they do? They're really attractive. He works at a very successful company that he makes a lot of money in. Are they in fashion or arts? Subway. Yeah. And then the other one is also very successful.

Subway. Who makes a lot of money. You have not named a single job that they do. I will not sell them out. He doesn't know what they do. He doesn't know what job they work. He does not know what they do. single job that they do. I will not sell them out. He doesn't know what they do, Avery. He doesn't know what job they work. He does not know what they do. I know what they do.

They are both the CEOs and presidents of manhunt.com. Yeah. Big and tall. They're loving people who will comfort you and they'll touch you, especially if you get them drunk. All right, so Avery, you making the trade? Are there any other offers for Holden and the feral cat? I don't want the cat. I've already explained this.

You've got to take the cat. We're all combined. I'll take the cat. What is your bargaining chip here? I'll take Holden. I want Holden is my point. I do have a whale's gallbladder. I'll take the gallbladder.

Whatever you want, man. What do you want? What do you want me to take along with What do you want to dump on me? Along with Holden Well I was thinking the cat and the gallbladder Sounds like you like the gallbladder and the cat So keep the cat and the gallbladder

I'll take Holden, you can take Ben's two gay brothers So is it Avery, yes or no? Fuck, I'll take it Yeah! Wow It's true, he's got a posse now It was Avery. Yes or no? Fuck, I'll take it. Yeah! Wow. God damn. All right. It's true.

He's got a posse now. Looks like it's you and me. Hey, what's happening, Michael? We'll do this thing. All right. We'll hear this show. Who has possession of Henry right now? I do.

All right. I've got a trade for you. I do. To back the show's off. Oh, no. If we could get Charlie in on this. Charlie is an amazing guy. Now, Charlie is an amazing man.

I'll just Charlie. Charlie is 32. What's his network? He's really strong. He makes a lot of money. He is very high up in Wells Fargo. Whoa. He's got a beautiful wife and a wonderful son.

Henry, also, you book too much, and it makes me feel bad. So, yeah, I'm taking Charlie. You got Henry. Yeah! Do you know why I'm getting Henry? What? Because I'm going to kill him. Whoa!

That's too late! Really normal. What are you doing, Jackie? Okay, I'm giving... Will you take Nick for Henry? No. You don't have to. You're my brother.

Yeah, I know. I got you two. Of course not. Will you take Holton for Henry? No. No, no, no. Henry's my cash cow. What are you fucking talking about?

Henry's going to be famous. After he does the Scorsese film, he's going to get big. He's going to get paid a lot of money. I'm going to weasel my way into his will, and then I'm gonna kill him and get all his fucking money and live a pig's life. I'm gonna live a pig's life. Charlie dies the day Henry dies. Fuck!

Alright, deal's off. Too late, I got your brother. You already made the deal. It's a monkey's paw, witch! You already made the deal, yeah. I somehow live with Jackie and Charlie and my brother. Which makes Jackie happy. I am the best winner of this entire game.

All right, Chris Welty. I feel like I'm getting screwed. There's nothing left. What do you got? We got a 12-year-old with no legs. I know Kevin Barnett. He's a brother, right? Does that...

I do have an older sister. She's very fertile, but she has none of our smarts or funds. She's trash. She's trash. No, you can get someone else. Well, I really... I wanted Kissel's brothers.

They're great. They're not in my control anymore. I got this 28-year-old fucking whore I can give you. I'll trade you a Holden for this freak show. For all the half-brothers. I got one half-brother and two half-sisters. All the halfies. Avery's got hold of the

best gay brothers of all time. They are the best gay brothers. I only met one. Is it Chris? Can I trade myself? Can I just get one of them? We are the best gay brothers. Micah, don't. I met Chris. You have a brother named Chris? A brother named Chris. Can I trade myself? Is that it? Can I just get Chris?

Can I just get one of them? It's not Micah. I only have his sister, who I really love. You don't get this guy. I'll trade you me and Holden for these half people. So they can live free? Yeah. So you're trading both of you for all of their freedoms?

So in a couple of years. All right, good. Thank you. All right, well, that's going to be the show. So who wins, Marcus? Who wins, Marcus? Oh, I don't know. Nobody does.

I win. Jackie wins. Jackie does win. I totally win. She wins the best of all the world. Why does Jackie win? Jackie just wins. You know what?

Jackie wins because she has my brother and Marcus's brother and me somehow. I won completely. I got the money. I got the hot. I got the entertainment. All right, big winner, Jackie Zabrowski. Jackie, bring us out with a nice little speech. Everyone knows he's here. Henry Zabrowski. Everybody, I'm sweaty from

up top. I'm sweaty from down low. Everybody has a great week. Fuck everyone else. I'm the best. I'm just a victim. And of course, Marcus Parks. I stood up for you. You're going to die, Henry. Don't kill him.

I stood up for you. I'm Kevin Barnett. You're black. Forget about it. Racism.