The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 113: Glue 'Em To 'Em

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 113th episode of the Round Table: a man in China sues his wife for being ugly after his daughter is born an uggo, Vladimir Putin takes to the skies, and the great monkey/human hybrid debate continues, plus big fat Ed Larson is back on the Table along with our good friend Jason Kalter.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Dear Jewish God.

Ah, the right guy. L.A. changed him pretty good. Yahweh. Thank you for Jason Coulter and all the wonderfulness that comes from his body, from his loins. Thank you

for brisket on rye, gefilte fish, and horseradish. Thank you for that. What about canishes? Creplock soup. What's creplock soup? What does that even mean?

It's a beautiful chicken dumpling and some chicken broth and then you slurp it up. You put some little bagel bread. Quit staring at me while you talk. Usually people go to LA and become Hollywood and you became homeless. What happened to you?

What are you eating? And thank you Jewish God for Charles Manson. Ah, yes, yes. All right, so in the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. Who is sitting next to that beautiful Ed Larson?

Thank God. It's so nice to hear your voices and smell your presence. Eddie ate the ham that was replacing him for the past four months. And I'll tell you, that ham has never been happier. And like I said to Ed when I first walked in, I miss the body heat that came from this fucking corner while you were gone. I'm so sweaty already.

Oh God, he really is. I love it. And your hair is growing. Yeah, you're weird. You look weird. I don't know what it is. I got this new, two new shirts. And also your pants are tighter. Not like in a fat way, like in a stylish way. These are the same pants. No, those are not the same pants.

They're starting to rip in the bottom. Yeah, I'm telling you. Did you hear about the menu of food he's been eating? Anyway, you're Jackie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ed Larson. Eddie's here and then Holden's here. Holden McNeely, fucking something everyone hates to hear. Your voice.

Kevin Barnett, neck ain't shit, swollen lymph nodes, I don't like it. Also, Barnett hasn't been here either. I know, I feel like the gang is finally back together. I just want to hit a girl over the head with a bat and drag her by her hair back to Holden's apartment and do whatever we want. We're going to get her! Why do I always have to be the one

who has to answer the door? Because if you and Ben, it's a collective yeah. Don't bring us into your fantasy, Jackie. That's why when I went to visit the house the first time and the Orthodox Jewish guy showed the place I was just like, it's a good place for rape He was like, what? I was like, uh, fucking, I mean, just fucking normal girls

Raping a dead girl in your apartment would make it cleaner It would probably revive her And she would get the fuck out of there It's such a shithole I'm Ben Kitzel With us as always, the newsman Marcus Parks Marcus, what do you got for us? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa as always, the newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us? Oh!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. The chuckle hot, the most important chuckle hotter we've ever had, Jason Coulter. Thanks for being here, bud. Thank you for having me. Rolling, rolling, rolling. Keep them doggies rolling. Yes!

You can do good ones, and I can only do bad ones. Oh, you, Coulter, over there. I know. I'm so sorry bad ones. Old you called her over there. I'm so sorry. I've never been scolded like that before. Anyway, Marcus, are there any news stories this week? There is some news stories. And by the way, Eddie, you stole my act! What'd I do?

You read news! Oh, I did a great two- I got paid for it! God! With no training. With no training whatsoever. For those that don't know what Marcus is talking about, Ed Larson was on The Burn on Comedy Central, Jeff Ross's... Jeff Ross is The Burn, and you were the newsman. Yes. You may know him as Cousin Ed.

I know, I know. Did you enjoy being called Cousin Ed? It's fine. All right, let's get to it. Let's not have Ed sink his career before it's even afloat. A Chinese husband divorced and sued his wife for $120,000 for being ugly and won. Wow. That might be the first China man I ever liked.

I think it's fine. She said China man. China man. I didn't say China man. I said China Man. China Man. I didn't say China Man. I said China Man. The story goes that Jian Feng, who is from northern China, was so in love with his beautiful wife

until they had a baby girl who was said to be so ugly it horrified him. Oh, shit! Please do you have a picture of this baby girl. No, I don't. Put her back in, doctor. Put her back in. Cam. Put her back in. Cameras do not work in her presence.

As the baby resembled neither parents, Feng demanded to know who the father was. His wife was forced to admit that she had spent $100,000 for intense plastic surgery from South Korean surgeons to look radically different. Very interesting. On a baby? No, on herself. She was a super uggo and then she got plastic surgery to look passable and then she had an uggo baby. How uggo

could she be? How uggo is she? I mean, she's already Chinese. Eddie? That is fine. That is fine. You've been holding this shit in for three months, haven't you? Chinese women are very attractive.

What? I mean, this is really quite remarkable. This guy won the lawsuit, right? I mean, it makes perfect sense, dude. You can't be with a bitch that used to be ugly. When you're looking at yearbook pictures, man. This is my wife in high school. Nah, you don't be with a bitch that used to be ugly. What happened? When you're looking at yearbook pictures, man. This is my wife in high school. Nah, you don't want people finding that out.

She probably burned all her yearbooks. She did it right. She did it right. She just got caught. Right. You know, that's all it is. It's like getting caught like 20 years after cheating on your wife. You know, you can get in a lot of trouble.

But the baby's face don't lie. That's God intervening like, yeah, we got you, homie. He was just handed a $170,000 plastic surgery bill for this poor mutant child. It really is interesting, though, because you mate with a person based upon their physical attraction, and because you want to have a nice

spawn so your spawn can go out to be a congressman or a senator or something like that, she did definitely deceive him here. I kind of agree with the judge's decision. How young can you be to get the PS? How young can you be to get the plastic surgery? I don't know. Girls in my school were getting into like 16. Mostly boob jobs. Ric Flair's daughter

wasn't it? Nose jobs. 16 with parental consent. Could you put tits on a baby? I'm just asking. I mean, you can put tits on anything. And that would save this baby holding if they just put fake tits on this baby? Come down to glue them to him.

I'll hook your baby up for you. Glue them to him. 1-800-GLUE-HEM-TO-HEM. I love babies. I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I love babies. I guess that's true. You could just get some plastic surgery for this baby and make it a pretty little fetus,

but how young is too young to get that nose fixed? Uh, 16. Unless you break it. Right. Or you're Jewish. No! I like a big Jewish honker. Isn't that what they were doing in Boca? Yeah, they were Jewish. Yeah, that's the thing. That wasn't so much a slight

as it was saying from his high school that's what they were doing. Wait, this is happening in Florida right now? I'm not surprised. Kevin, what do you think is worse, finding out that your wife had a baby that wasn't yours, she fucked the mailman, or fucked the bread boy? Let's say she went back in time and she fucked the bread boy. I don't know, 1920s, they were delivering bread.

Whenever they were delivering bread, she fucked the boy doing it. I don't think bread boys ever existed. Milkman! Whatever! Please the milkman. Or, please. and bread. Whenever they were delivering bread, she fucked the boy doing it. I don't think bread boys ever exist. Milkman! Milkman ever! Please the milkman. Please buy some bread, sir. I mean, by job, yeah. You know what? He doesn't have a long career there. So she fucked

somebody that was very, very unattractive, or you find out that the person that you've been fucking is extremely unattractive. What's worse? I think I'd be hurt by the extremely unattractive wife, especially if I was in China, man. That's just one chance to have a baby. Oh, that's true! Yeah, definitely.

Good point! You really have to hit a home run on your first try. All that, a girl. Did you guys see that the fucking rivers turned red in China? The Yangtze River turned red? What happened with it? No one knows! Algae. I don't know. It's fucking... Dead babies.

It looks like... Fucking dead babies. It looks like girl blood. What? How do you know? No, no, no. Let's bring back a little segment we haven't done in a while called Science Corner. And Eddie, I want you to explain girl blood. Girl blood comes from a girl. It grows inside

of a girl, and then in order to get it out, you slice it open, the girl, and then you drain it, and you put it in a river. Now, what differentiates girl blood from man blood or horse blood? Usually...

Well, horse blood, that's a whole other thing. That comes from the hooves. But man blood, that usually comes, you know. It's tinted light from semen. Jackie, is he right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Girl blood is also more clotty, even when they're a baby.

Absolutely. Even when they're a baby, they're filled with clots. I can't even discuss the clots after I ate a girl out in her period about a decade ago and it's still really haunting me. Yeah, yeah. So let's not get too much into it.

I got a clot on my pee-pee one time. On the pee-pee? On the pee-pee, yeah, yeah. Like it stayed on your pee-pee? Well, I got it off. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I meant like after you ejected?

Eject. Ejaculate. When I pulled out... No, no, ejected from the woman. Ejaculate. When I pulled out. Ejected from the woman. Ejected. I punched her in the face. Yeah, exactly. He literally pulled a ripcord and went through the roof.

That's what happens after Eddie ejaculates. Better get the fuck out of here. Bonk. She doesn't seem to be alive anymore. Kevin, you ever fuck a chick on her period? You don't seem like the kind of guy who would do it. You've done it? I've done it, yeah, of course. You never really talk about stuff like that. I don't like that shit, man. How'd you like it? You didn't enjoy it?

It wasn't your favorite experience of all time. It's a dirty game. There's a name for it. What is it? I don't know. Fun times? Good times? Ride in the red train. Ride in the red train is what I've heard. You just have sex in the shower.

That's the key. You put a towel down. I put a towel down. No, she's not a fucking animal. Just a fucker in the shower. Interesting. It's like a barnyard thing. It's like, I got the hog in the bed.

Don't want mud in the bed. Put the towel down. Why not bring the hog in the shower? Bring the hog in the shower. Put the hog in the shower. You get that very clean experience. He gets no mud in the bed. No mud in the bed.

Yeah, that's definitely been the name of your first comedy routine. No mud in the bed. I think that's fun. You never know. This poor girl, though. Either way, I hope that young ugly baby in China grows up to be a wonderful person. She will. She's going to get plastic surgery.

Give her the knife. Imagine her growing up and finding out that her dad divorced her mom. Because you're so ugly. You are literally so ugly. That's the funniest thing in the world. It is. It's going to be a sad, lonely bitch.

She's going to be great at cooking pies. Oh, she has to be great at cooking. She's definitely not going to bring any mud to the bed. She's going to be very clean. Probably have a decent comedy career. Yeah, maybe. Oh, poor girl. That would be a sad revelation, realizing you broke your parents up, not because

you were doing drugs at 13 or prostitution at 14. Sheer ugliness. Sheer ugliness. Your face was so hideous. Love could not exist. You ruined love with your fucking ugly face. This just fucking blew

my mind, and it's a YouTube search I'm going to do later. Chinese stand-up comedy. Ooh. What the fuck is that like? Does it exist? I don't think so. Jackie, what do you think it's like? Oh, man.

There's a lot of pots and pans. All right. When you get in a news story. Jackie, can you give us a bit, a Chinese bit? Why do you set her up for these things? Jesus Christ. This is awful. I can't.

I've been too already, like, con-Asian today. I feel like back in the day when you put rape, like, limits on me. Now it's Chinese jokes, Asian jokes. I think I might need, well, all, like, Japs, Vietnamese, you know, Taiwanese. What was the first one? All of them. Japs is fine.

Oh, it's not. You can say Japs. No. What do you say? Japanese. It's not that hard. Well, you gotta shorten it. You can say, um,

Mahjong tiles. Don't yell at Jackie Marcus. Mahjong tiles. The whole gamut of Mahjong tiles. Well, you can say whatever Asian racial slur you want, because people in general don't respect Asians. It's kind of crazy how everyone just gets on that bandwagon pretty fast. Well, it's easy because they're winning.

When you're part of the winning race, it's like you make fun of them because they're dominating. They are smarter than us. They're great at everything, man. That's the sad thing. It's because they're aliens. All right, than us. They're great at everything, man. That's the sad thing. It's because they're aliens. All right, Marcus,

news story. That's right. Well, we're going to go right now to Eddie's favorite city in the world. Pedophile Corner? That's not a city.

A city in your mind is definitely Pedophile Corner. If you come on down to Pedophile Corner, things run a little bit slower. Nothing's weird over here.

It's fine. Just come over. Bring a child. Everything's fine. No, Detroit, Michigan. Hey! Detroit! A man suspected of shooting four men, killing two following an argument in Detroit early

Saturday, tried to turn himself into police, but no squad car showed up. The incident happened around 1.30am near Linwood and Puritan on the city's west side. Chief Ralph Godby says the 36-year-old suspect allegedly shot the four men, then went to a fire station to turn himself in. Police were called,

but no patrol car was dispatched because they were too busy. I love it. All six cops were busy. There's no one left in Detroit. It's just murder. There's no way to know. The hospital's got no rules.

They're not documenting births. I love it. I mean, these cops, they're like, oh, how could we possibly solve this crime? This man's a blatant lunatic admitting to killing four people. I don't trust him. Did you hear what happened in Detroit recently? They were looking for a body

and they were digging up outside of Detroit and they kept finding other bodies. That's frustrating. They just kept finding. Oh, there's that guy. There's no more room to bury bodies. That's so great. It's like the plague, but without the plague, actually.

It's just people and bullets. Well, if hell does rise again, Detroit is going to be full of zombies, it sounds like. Seems to me like Detroit would be a stabbing town. You think so? No one can afford bullets. Exactly. That's the thing. Our Haitians always stab people.

Is that right? Kevin, is that right? I mean, I don't associate with Haitians. They're very nice people, though. And if you were going to get killed by somebody, it's nice to get stabbed by them. It's more intimate. It's more personal. You can look at them in the eyes. You can bleed slowly.

A gunshot. You can kiss them while you do it. Yeah. Oh, man, that would be really nice. That's probably why they killed you in the first place. Very homophobic, the Haitians. Big wet one right as you die. Yeah, that would be the most bizarre thing that you could possibly do to somebody who is killing you.

Just give them a passionate tongue kiss and just be like, I always loved you. And then slowly die. You know what else? That would fuck with them forever. Yeah. And also to use your own blood as lipstick before you do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Beautiful. Pick up pretty. before you do it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Beautiful. I pick up pretty. Kevin, what would you say to somebody for your last words

if they were fucking murdering you viciously? If they were murdering me? They were just stabbing you right in your fucking chest. What are you going to let them know? I'd probably just list my favorite foods.

That's a good thing to do. Humanize yourself. I list my favorite foods. That's good culture. What's your major mode of defense you could strike me down now but I will

only become stronger in the afterlife I want to give them like a nightmare like but the chance are they'd just be like you just got that from Star Wars

and then and then I would die before I could respond to that so it would be a whole fucking two way action no it's not fucking Star Wars

yeah I just think it is very exciting though in our lifetime that I didn't think this that so it'd be a whole fucking two-day action. No, it's not fucking Star Wars. I just think it is very exciting though in our lifetime that I didn't think this was possible that real Detroit would get as bad as RoboCop 2 Detroit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's really exciting. It's even gotten worse than RoboCop 1 Detroit. Oh, it's been worse. It really has. Yes, it's the 90s. Right around the time RoboCop 2 came out and

then real life Detroit was worse than RoboCop 1. So RoboCop 2 came out and then real life Detroit was worse than RoboCop 1. So RoboCop 2 had to be like, holy shit, we have to really like increase the body count. Up the ante. You do get the feeling that the police force in Detroit is so corrupt. The guy was like, I just killed four people and the cops were just like, well, thank you for doing our

job. You know, just like usually we're the ones who kill the poor people here. But thank you for helping us out so greatly. Well, moving from one horrible place to another, let's go to Russia! Yeah, Russia's a wonderful town! Russia's awesome! What are you talking about? It's a horrible place, Jack. It is a horrible place.

By the way, I've been in a... What were you going to say, Ed? I was just saying to be careful in Russia. Yeah, be careful in Russia. I was in a YouTube hole just looking at Russia driving... What do you call that? Road rage. Yeah. YouTube Russian road Russia. I was in a YouTube hole just looking at Russia driving... What do you call that? Road rage. Yeah. YouTube Russian road rage. Oh my god, they kill each other on the road all the time.

They don't even have horns in their cars. They just stop their cars, get out, beat the fuck out of each other, get back in their cars, and keep on moving. I was watching a bunch of Russian road rage, like, people shooting into other cars and shit. They're nuts. It's insane. Yeah, I saw a great video of these guys who get out of a car to

fuck with this other dude and he just hops out with a big rifle and then they're opening their trunk to pull out a baseball bat and then they all just decide we should probably just go out of here. Don't bring a baseball bat to a rifle fight. Back into the car and just keep driving. So fun. Well, we're not talking about the little people of Russia.

We're talking about the man on top. Russian President Vladimir Putin is reportedly planning to put on a fake beak and fly a motorized hang glider to lead a flock of endangered young Siberian white cranes. Isn't there a movie? What? Wait, isn't there a movie? Fly Away Home. Fly Away Home.

Was it a girl who did that? Anna Paquin. It was Anna Paquin. They really do love Western cinema over in Russia. Imagine him watching that movie over and over again, The Morning Of, being like, I can do that. Drinking a bottle of vodka. Oh, always.

Yeah, absolutely. He's, man, stand up gentleman. Oh, always. Yeah, absolutely. He's, man, stand up, gentlemen. He's got all these hunger problems and road rage problems. It's like, you know what? He's got to get those geese out of his country.

Is he flying them out of Russia? He is. He's saving them? He's showing them the way they're raised in captivity, and he's showing them how to fly south. I really hope this is the way he does. Oh, my God. Back to death by a bunch of random birds? Apparently they didn't take me as their mother. That's really wonderful.

He's head gliding, and he's just back to death in the air. It's great. Yeah, we see American birds until, like, take him down. Marcus, is there a reason why he's doing it? Are they endangered? Because he wants to, and they're endangered, yeah. Because he wants to. There is no other reason given other than he just kind of feels like it.

He likes to make a splash. He likes to make big splashes in the news, you know? I mean, he loves the mythos around him. Well, he's beloved for an array of macho stunts, including posing with a tiger and riding a horse bare-chested. I remember that. Some of the stunts, such as petting a polar bear

tranquilized in the wild, have purported scientific connections. But Putin last year was caught short when one of the events was revealed to be a setup. In that case, Putin was shown scuba diving and bringing up fragments of ancient Greek amphorae. That had their handles out. It was very easy to grab them. But Peskov later admitted, Peskov is one of his advisors,

later admitted the artifacts had been planted on the seafloor for Putin to grab. I love it. Yeah, totally. Well, you know, I feel like he's just overcompensating for the fact that his last name always makes himself look like he's taking a shit. Eddie, if you would, what were you going to say? Have you ever seen Putin play Blueberry Hill? No. It's amazing. What's Blueberry Hill?

You know, I found my thrill on Blueberry Hill. That's Domino. He's playing it? Yeah, he plays it on the piano. That was the worst rendition of Blueberry Hill. Wait till you hear Putin. Eddie, if you had to lead one animal out of America into full safety, they would have a great, great life.

What animal would you take? If I'm leading it out of America, I don't want to have a good life. Oh, you want to have a bad life? It's got plenty of good life in America. It shouldn't leave here. I'm sorry to question your patriotism. I didn't realize this was going to become a political thing. But cockroaches, let's get them out.

Yeah. Really? Fuck yeah, absolutely. I'm completely behind that. God, I have such an infestation right now. It's horrible. They're living in my clay. Why do you have clay?

Your clay figures? Yeah. They're living inside of them. Because you made them a mansion. You created a mansion out of clay for them. If I was a cockroach, I'd be like, thank you. I bet they're eating it. They are.

They're eating my clay. Get rid of them! What are you doing with this clay? You've got to get rid of the clay, man. I make clay figurines in my spare time. They play the X inside of your clay, man. Hold on. I just want... Kevin, can you just yell at Marcus for a second? We're making clay figurines. Let spare time. They play the eggs inside of your clay. Hold on, I just want, Kevin, can you

just yell at Marcus for a second for making clay figurines? Let's just take a minute. Well, I don't want my fucking throat fucked up. I don't want to yell, but yeah, you gay, man. Absolutely. I love doing it. I make little demons. It's really sad.

Have you ever seen this demon collection of clay? It's weird. It's very weird. He's nearly third. He's positive about it. He's just like, it is strange. And bizarre. Yeah, it is. Now it's filtered roach.

It's accurate. Good. It should be. That's the best thing about it. This is the time. Anytime you've had an ex-girlfriend or like a bad roommate, give them a gift of a clay figurine. I made this. They are actually turning into real demons.

It's spawning roaches out of them. What an image that is. You have this little demon figurine and all of a sudden a roach shoots out of its mouth. That is amazing. You are a future news story on the round table.

You've got to do this. It was pretty weird to see the other day. I bet. What happened exactly? I picked up one of my figurines. I picked it up and a roach crawled out of his mouth. Oh, wow. That's amazing.

I think that's great. I love roaches. I think cockroaches are great. Snoop Dogg turned me on to them Snoop Lion Snoop Lion now I apologize The greatest human being on the face of the planet Kevin's shaking his head in disgust It's just dumb

Cockroaches? No he's going to come out and say it's a whole hoax Right? Oh he's doing reggae. Yeah. Honestly, actually, Keith Richards did the same thing. He went to Jamaica and started producing reggae albums. What was Keith Richards' name?

He didn't change his name, though. He didn't do anything retarded like that. Oh, come on. Snoop Dogg could do nothing wrong. Snoop Lion could do nothing wrong. And if you remember, what was that? The Up in Smoke tour when they saw a cockroach on the wall of the restaurant they were eating at. One of his colleagues was going to smash it with a shoe.

And he said, leave it alone. He's just doing the crip walk and he loves them. And apparently when Snoop Dogg was growing up, he befriended quite a few cockroaches. So think about that before you judge him. I won't. Fucking kill them. I want them dead. I mean, that just makes me judge him worse.

Yeah. Why? Because he's friends with cockroaches. I mean, that just makes me judge him worse. Yeah. Why? Because he's friends with cockroaches. If you knew a kid in school that was friends with cockroaches, you'd stay away from him.

I guess so, but it's kind of nice to be sympathetic to the cockroach. They're going to be here before. When we're dead, the cockroaches will be here. So you've got to kill as many as you can while you are alive on God's green earth. Yeah, if you had to be one insect, though, I would say being the cockroach is the greatest insect to be. No way! Why not? Mosquitoes just annoy.

You're gonna have to enter a nuclear blast. Be a ladybug! Ladybug? They die immediately. I'm gonna be a motherfucking worm. I'm gonna be a worm. You already are. I'll make that noise, too.

I'll be on your girlfriend's nose when she wakes up. The infestation in Florida of the it's like they're called astronomically large South African snails. The name of them is

ridiculous. They're huge. They're like 8 inches long. Like 8 inches big. And they're all over the place and they can't fucking get rid of them. How did it happen? I don't know.

People let shit go and fart all the time. People coming over on boats. People coming over, exactly. What kind of people, Jackie? What are we getting at here? Oh my god. What's the hot topic on that?

What's the nude story that led to this? All right. It's time to move on. That's right. It was Putin. This all started with birds. But you know what? Now it's time to move on to monkey news.

Monkey news. Hello. A farmer in southern Nepal mistook his son for a monkey trying to steal his crops and shot the 12-year-old dead. It's going to happen. It's going to, you know, it's just gonna happen. When you got crops, somebody's gonna die.

Chitra Bahadur Pulami had been climbing a tree to chase away macaques that had become a nuisance to the family. Chase away what? I do that all the time! Macaques get three feet tall. Sometimes I kick them away.

Macawks! But his father, Gupta Bahadur, 55. That's not racist, that's his name. I didn't even laugh. Spotted the boy in open fire, wrongly believing him to be one of his animals. Oh, man, how hairy was that kid?

Had to have been. That is a good question. Oh, man. But he must be able to climb really well. I was going to say. No one would ever mistake me for a monkey. Did you guys hear about the macaque monkey in Florida that bit his owner and they had to shoot him dead

in front of his whole family? That happens a lot. Yeah, yeah. You should not own monkeys. Yeah, we talked about that guy. Yeah, shoot the monkey. Yeah, only shoot the monkey. Only shoot the monkey.

Wait, macaque is a type of monkey? Yeah. Isn't it? It's macaque, right? Macaque. I don't know. Macaque is a lot more fun. Macaque.

Whatever. It depends if you're in pain or not. It's macaque if you're in pain. Actually, they're tiny. They're pretty small. Yeah, they're pretty small guys I'll get it I mean well they get big though that would be better be three feet still pretty small so what's gonna happen to this dad are they gonna let him go

because he thought his son was a monkey that's Nepal there's no law I mean that's at the same time you know you sure there's a miracle suffering enough yeah you know he's just shot he's sad about it? Of course. Of course, man. I mean, it's tough to say. I mean, who knows? I mean, it could be murder. It could be murder. It could be.

He could have just pissed him off. Yeah, but how many other girls are terrible? He probably has a bunch of other kids. You know, it's not even going to save him any money to have one dead kid. Yeah, it's probably going to cost money for the casket. Yeah, for the fucking funeral. No, just dig a ditch. Dig a hole. Isn't that what they do? Yeah, I don't know. The Nepalese? Yeah, yeah, probably going to cost money for the casket. Yeah, for the fucking funeral. No, just dig a ditch. Dig a hole.

Isn't that what they do? Yeah, I don't know. The Nepalese? Yeah, yeah, yeah, a hole. Does anyone here know where Nepal is? India! It's over on the other side. It's east.

All right, Jason Coulter, where is Nepal? It's like an appendix on India. It's like it's up there in the mountains. Jemafrica. Yeah, exactly. Yes. Jemafrica? Is that a place? Nepal? It's a country. It's like it's up there in the mountains. Jemafrica. Yeah. Yes. Jemafrica? Is that a place? Nepal? It's a country.

Nepal's when the sun hits the buildings. Is that where Dhalsim is from? From Street Fighter? He is from India. Yeah, there are no street fighters from Nepal. It's too similar. It's like a giant mountain temple, I think. And Jason, how do they bury their dead in Nepal?

They throw them off the mountain. Yeah. It's easier that way. Seems like a cordial way to go. Just throw them out. It's like where

Batman trained. It was just like when he was with the League of Shadows. Oh yeah, Batman. How did Batman get back to Gotham City

so fast in the last Don't worry about it. Yeah, don't ask questions, man. Christopher Nolan just wrote it. He was just, like, stoned as fuck. The F train. No, that stops there. That's good.

I like that F train line. This old man looks familiar. What'd he do, Marcus? Well, he's dead. A South Texas mayor has been found dead after apparently being attacked by a 500-pound donkey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa! The Texas mayor has been found dead after apparently being attacked by a 500-pound donkey. Yeah. Whoa!

Apparently. How haven't they figured out what happened exactly? Well, because there were no witnesses besides the man and the donkey. And the man is dead and the donkey ain't talking. I think we all could have said that in unison. That's amazing. Didn't they put boxing gloves on this donkey? No, he probably would have lived

If they put gloves on Yeah, I was just wearing a tiny dress Like a little chiffon I thought donkeys were smaller than that Donkeys get pretty big Donkeys are big I'm thinking of burros Donkeys and mules are really big

Mules are smaller big So are burros Yeah, mules are smaller Sherpas, sherpas are very small And those are people I was going to say They wear funny coats Wow, callback So, Carlton, your knowledge is off the chain Yeah

Now, are mules A horse-donkey mix? Yes So wouldn't they be bigger if there was a donkey matingules a horse-donkey mix? Yes. So wouldn't they be bigger if there was a donkey mating with a horse? Well, donkeys are smaller than horses. Yes. And mules are usually smaller than both. That's crazy.

Yeah, but aren't donkeys like retarded horses? No, those are mules. Well, mules are also sterile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't reproduce, right? Poor mules. Yeah, we have a lot of, they can't reproduce, right? Poor mules. We have a lot of nice animal talk on this show. You don't realize.

Lately, we really have been getting, like, really, ever since we had... Pig semen. Yeah, that was interesting. Animal Planet hasn't picked you guys up yet. I'm not sure what it is. Oh, and Bobby Pets. Yeah, ever since Bobby Pets, that really got us on the... I mean, we always have animal talk here. God, we've got to get Bobby Pets. Yeah, ever since Bobby Pets. That really got us on the... I mean, we always have animal talk here.

God, we've got to get Bobby Pets in here. For the sake of science, right? Yeah. If they wanted you to fuck a chimp, you know, they'd strap the mouth down, arms are strapped down, and like, fuck this chimp. We're trying to make chimp human babies.

Would you do it? Yes. Wait a second. That doesn't exist anymore. Okay, so they strap the chimp down. They strap him down. The chimp is ready to fuck wet. Pussy wet.

Pussy's wet. Which happened. Chimp pornography beforehand. Kevin, what are you doing to make that chimp's pussy wet? I mean, the chimp's already wet. He's just looking at me. He's just looking at you. So is this an experiment?

You're crazy. Is this an experiment to... Is this experiment necessary for the human race to succeed? Oh, no, no. It's just fun. Think about it, man. Think of like a strong-ass, half-hairy little kid running around. Yeah, about to get shot by his father. Climbing the shit out of trees. Yeah. Think about it man Think of like a strong ass Half hairy little kid Running around Climbing the shit out of trees

Yeah Think about it Would you smart Strong Lift a truck When it gets older I mean I'd like to have one Yeah

But you Would you fuck the monkey for it What I'm saying Would you fuck the monkey for it You can always pay a homeless man To fuck a monkey Yeah but then you got

Homeless man But would you be able To look at this chimp man and be like, that is my son. That is my boy. You gotta think about it. You have to, right? If the homeless man did it, you wouldn't? Oh, no. That's his son. It has to be yours. Yeah, that's the thing. That's why.

And it will always be a son. It'll never be yours. This strikes me as a very difficult conversation to have with a child. Daddy, what am I? Well? I mean, your mother was strapped down. I'm scared you're speaking. a very difficult conversation to have with a child. Daddy, what am I? Well, I mean, your mother was strapped down. I'm scared you're speaking. I mean, honestly, I would

straight up fucking Teen Wolf that kid. I would just fucking put him straight into sports. He would kick ass at something. Gymnastics, maybe? Anything. All of it. Discus. Discus and shot put. Yeah, I'm not sure if they're going to be allowed to play professional sports, though. Well, no one's going to know.

They're just going to be hairy. They're all hairy. They're half monkey. I mean, someone's going to know. I don't think that's a whole person out there. You can't put it in an organized sport. You can't play football. You can't play basketball or baseball.

Why not? If it has the mind of a human. No, no, it doesn't. It's a half monkey mind. Okay? So they're smart. He's intuitive. That's what I'm saying.

Discus and shot put. Monkeys understand bullshit. Jabble and throw. Jabble and throw. Any sport where you just throw shit. I'll tell you this right now. Either get a good lawyer or fucking take the bar exams. You need to get new legislation on that.

If you want to, you get it. It's certainly not swimming. Oh, I thought you were trying to pitch a new show called Monkey Lawyer. Which would be amazing. That's something I would like to watch. Man, I love monkeys so much. I completely

understand why people get stoned, they get drunk, and they're like, let's go buy a monkey. Who wouldn't want a monkey? Everyone says don't buy a monkey, but it's right there. Gorillas. I go to do I look at some girls look at you beating your chest just have a good time yeah it's and winning shit well it's crazy they always they're celebrating what would the human sport what would be the best sport for a half monkey, half human? Track and field.

All the sports. Hurdles. Is this a thing? They can do anything. Wide receiver. Why can't you catch with any limb? It's going to run out of balance and fucking bite off the referees. Lips.

See, I'm going. I'm going. You need a helmet. You have face masks. Yeah, yeah. The monkey's not going to know the difference between a post and a draw. Monkeys are so trainable That's the thing

They're so smart It's going to be tamed People play frisbee with dogs Everyone's forgetting about the half That's a real good point The half human part of this monkey man It is half human It would have the ability to not rip the fucking ref's nose off

I want to see a half gorilla, half human versus a regular gorilla. But the twist is this half gorilla, half human, his whole life. Has a gun. He's been working out with Ronnie Coleman, fucking one of the biggest, baddest bodybuilders of all time. I remember. Squatting whole school buses and shit. He has beast as fuck, has to fight this regular gorilla. What happens?

I don't know. He's been domesticated, though. He's soft. He's been sleeping on pillows. He knows how to win. He has the power of love. That's true. Monkeys have love. They love.

Not as much as a half-man, half-monkey. How do you know? I don't know. Let me ask you this. Are weapons allowed? Yes. If it's a fight to the death, weapons are always allowed. A mule will be released halfway through the match.

One single mule. They can rip its limbs off and use it as they will. They can use the bones. Now it's sellable. I disagree with one thing that's been said. We cannot teach them to throw a javelin. Every Planet Ape movie has taught us we are ruthless.

The source of the ape rebellion is the javelin. Or is it havelin? I don't know. But it is, so if we teach one, if we teach one of them how to throw a javelin,

he's going to teach the others and then we're all just done. Then we're fucked. No javelins, no nets, no horses. That's also the thing is you've got to keep them

away from monkeys. So you have to train them to hate actual monkeys, especially. That's also a thing, is you've got to keep them away from monkeys. You have to train them to hate actual monkeys, especially. It's so easy to teach someone to hate themselves. Yeah, exactly. Believe me, I know first-hand experience. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Who taught you how to hate yourself? He did himself. Yeah, a very smart monkey. Every time Holden ever has a moment of self-doubt, I'm like, go with that. Run with it. You take that thought and you just score a touchdown with that.

That's your ball, my friend. Alright, Marcus, any other news stories? The name of a new men's clothing store in India has caused a furor. Rajesh Shah. Oh, yes. I know furor. Rajesh Shah. Oh, yes. I know this story. Rajesh Shah, the owner of the

shop called Hitler. Oh, that's right. Yeah! India! I'm loving India today. Who knew? Just today, though. Just honestly, just this hour. Yeah. Let me get it back to that. With a swastika

Dotting the eye Claims he didn't know About the famous Fascist leader Until recently Quote I didn't know How much the name

Would disturb people It was only when The store opened That I learned Hitler had killed Six million people He is in India Which is madness

They don't know Anything over there I've seen it They're worried about Tigers and shit They have wooden doors Yeah Wait a second Did you. They have wooden doors.

Did you say they have wooden doors? Yeah, yeah, like made out of a piece of bark. They usually don't even have doors or bark. Yuck. Well, I think they have wonderful houses. They do. Yeah, I see the Taj Mahal. Have you seen Slumdog Millionaire?

No, no, and I don't think that's a representation of every Indian fella. I mean, the vast majority don't want a Game of Thrones to win a million dollars. If they did, I think they'd be much happier. They're literally falling off of the country into the ocean. There's so many of them. They do have a very racist caste system. They do have a very racist caste system. I mean, this must really upset a lot of people over in India. How can you claim ignorance to Hitler?

He said that Hitler was the nickname of his grandfather. Okay. Because he was a very strict man. Well, you know, and an interesting thing on top of that, it's a clothing store, right? Yeah. Hugo Boss designed the Nazi uniforms. That he did. Really? Yes. Well, there we go.

Are you serious? I'm dead fucking serious. They do look good. Yeah, they look great. They do always look good. They look like a commercial for good clothes. I don't know. Hugo Boss? I gotta stop buying Hugo Boss? Have you started?

Stop buying it? You haven't even started. All their colognes. You just have every Hugo Boss cologne. Hold it. Another actual fact from you. Back to being the brain, baby. You never were.

I know. No, but that is one thing, is if he didn't know who Hitler was, why would he have a swastika over the eye? That's the major thing. What, he just fucking made it up? Get real, India! Close it down! Is there any worse person to name a story after

other than Hitler? I mean, you could have, you could have W. Bush shoes or something like that. W. Bush is even the worst president. Well, he's up there with one of the worst presidents ever. I feel like even Genghis Khan would be acceptable and he murdered fucking assloads

of people. He was a warrior. He was badass and he fucked so many people that a third of the fucking world belongs to him. What if you had a party store named Gacy's? Gacy's would work. Who's all clown shit? Yeah.

Well, in America, things are different. I mean, Ed just gave me an album recorded by Charles Manson, and I love it, and I'm going to put it on when I get home tonight. I mean, I feel like there's a little bit of a... We love our serial killers here and they're smart. More than most. Yeah, that's true. Definitely. So I guess Hitler's probably the worst possible thing

to call your company. Yeah, but at the same time, I mean, Hitler also was an extremely, unfortunately smart human being for getting as far as he did. What was your favorite thing about Hitler, Jackie? I didn't really I couldn't give a fuck about Hitler. She's a Stalin guy. I know, she's a Stalin guy. He's a great public speaker. Yeah, he was a great public

speaker. I think it's hilarious that he loved, like, the, uh, he was so interested in Western culture. You know, the fact, but really he was just a sniffling pussy. Yeah. Yeah, he really was. At the end of the day. I don't like that. I don't like that. So Stalin and Hitler, toe to toe. Stalin. Tear Hitler

up. He'd rip Hitler's head off of his body. Yeah! He would just rip off all of his limbs and then beat him to death with his own limbs. So would you say that the hardest you would ever potentially come in a fantasy world is if Stalin ripped Hitler's head off and then just took you against the table? That's pretty hot, though. Yeah! I feel like any man that kills Hitler rips his head off. If you kill Hitler, you against the table. That's pretty hot, though. Yeah. I feel like any man that kills Hitler rips his head off.

If you kill Hitler, you can take me. Yeah, right? That's the thing. It's just that you rip his head clean off his body. Right. I don't think you'd have a choice. Yeah. He's like Zangie.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's just, you know. If you kill Hitler, you know, at least I'll play with you then. Yeah, right? You know, I won't be raped. You know, I'll give you that. Yeah, you won yeah. Well, it's just you. If you kill Hitler, at least I'll play with you then. Yeah, right? It won't be rape. I'll give you that. It won't be rape.

It definitely won't be rape. But he would probably definitely fuck me to death. I heard that you would be in such a rage that he would probably fuck through my body. So is this like seconds after he kills Hitler? Yeah. Yes,ere seconds. He's covered in the blood. Hitler's blood is all over his body.

And all over his dick. It's not bad. That would be kind of cool if he used Hitler's blood as lube. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. As long as they were paparazzi. I need the paparazzi.

The movie has to be made. The movie has to be made. I'm there. I'm in it Definitely, you're starring Can we get Daniel Day-Lewis to play Stalin? He's not strong enough Oh man, he could buff up We gotta get Butterbean to play Stalin

Is he still around, that Butterbean? I love that bastard That's when you could just be fat and white and just put on boxing gloves, and people were like, let's go to the show. It was so much better back then. Was that 93? Butterbean's punch-out was a very good game. I bet.

It doesn't matter. So how's business at Hitler's? Business at Hitler's? Well, what the man says that owns Hitler's. He's not closing it. No, he's not closing it, and he says he's willing to change the name, but only if he's compensated for his cost about 40,000 rupees, which translates to about 700 bucks.

Oh, okay. That's not that bad, but nobody should pay anyone for that. You know, like, that's ridiculous. He just added a letter like Hitlerns. That sounds almost like Jewish. Hitlers would make it all great. Huttlers. Or Shitler.

Shitler, yeah. Shitler's a wonderful place. And then just add a little poopy where the swastika is. That's a good idea. Stink lines, a couple of flies. 400 poopies. 400 poopies. Forget it. 400 poopies.

So I got a bit of a story. Okay, Marcus. For everyone. All right. Is this a personal story? No. News story? Yes.

What you do best. But it's a bit of a story. It has to build up a little bit. Can you use your eyes even though the radio listeners can't see it? I love Marcus's eyes when he tells a story. Thank you. Where is this coming from? This is from China.

Are you wet? No. Well, the Stalin story got me all hot. Yeah, we were talking about the Stalin. It's really remarkable. She is like, you're blushing. No, I was really thinking back. I don't know if I talked about this on here.

The last time Marcus told me a scary story in the back, like in his other radio chamber. And he told me this scary story and he really scared me. He's got those Alfred E. Newman eyes. Yeah. I'm sorry. Continue.

That was disgusting. This is another story out of China. The evening began jovially enough when Mr. Yun, the owner of a noodle shop in the central Chinese city of Xi'an, invited his family to celebrate Qixi, China's Valentine's Day, with a singing session at a local karaoke parlor. But by 11 p.m., there was discord in the room. There's a lot of stereotypes going on.

By the way, in that first paragraph. True story, Ben. I know. I know it's true. It's just culture we're learning. I know it. Mr. Yoon's four-year-old son was hogging the microphone, and his parents were indulging him.

Two of the boy's uncles began chastising Mr. Yoon and his wife for having raised a spoiled child, a little emperor, as the Chinese say. According to the Xi'an police, the argument became heated to the point where the two uncles began pushing and then punching Mr. Yoon. Finally,

Mr. Yoon's nephew, who also worked in the noodle shop, ran back to the restaurant and fetched a meat cleaver. The man, named as Mr. Hui, hacked the two uncles to death, inflicting at least ten wounds on each uncle. I guarantee you, though, his swing form was awesome.

Yeah, it was. He could get rid of karaoke. That's what it seems like to me. That's the one thing about Chinese people. When they kill people, they scream while they do it. They fucking love it. They love killing people. Keep going.

I love this story. Is that it? Is that the whole story? The man has since been arrested. Yeah, that's the whole story, but there are other stories of violence in karaoke. Other karaoke massacres have taken place in the Philippines, where the Frank Sinatra song

My Way has had to be removed from many songbooks after substandard renditions provoked a string of killings. Wow! I love that. Sinatra would have been so happy. I think he caused it. I think his ghost made that happen.

Also, man, a meat cleaver. And he took down two dudes And how did no one stop him I think he was really doing a good job Maybe he was just really fast And then part of me feels like he also was like Wanting to kill the kid

In a way but he can't kill the kid Well people hate these kids There's no shortage of criticism Inside China for the bad behavior of the little emperors. The children raised under the one-child policy and doted on by their parents. I can only imagine how

fucking... I just want to kill a fucking little Chinese kid right now. Well, I was an only child. Did you feel like a little emperor? Yeah, yeah. I was treated well. Were you? I thought you were abused. I mean, kind of. Yeah.

Mostly. Well, you're still a smartass, though. But he didn't kill the kid, did he? He just killed the parents? The football training, as always, I go back to, for you were definitely abused as a child. It wasn't that bad. They didn't kill the kid. I mean, this guy, let me try to figure out the fact.

Probably the kid wants to be dead after watching two of his uncles get hacked to death by a meat cleaver. Oh, no, he's a little emperor. He probably thinks it's cool. You know what? I'm starting to realize I think I was kind of a little emperor. I was the youngest child. I wasn't an only child, but I was a bratty little piece of shit. What?

That's so shocking. Holden. One could say it leads to a selfish adult But I'm not going to talk about it Did you hear about the Chinese guy who You know how in America Constantly there's shooting sprees There was a stabbing spree

In China Where a dude stabbed and killed Eight people in a crowded mall No guns It was a fucking stabbing Random stabbing spree until he was put down by police. That's the power of martial arts, man.

That is true. Remember when that dude went on a stabbing spree through New York? Maxine Gelman. And then stabbed somebody. Oh, he got about nine dead. Probably my favorite story of last year. That was a great story.

I was telling someone that story like three days ago. It's beautiful. The New York City Crime Report was created because of that story. Dixon was at a bar reading the New York Post and I commented on the story and he was like, that's fucking awesome.

We got to talking and then from there the Crime Report was born. Well that murder massacre was good for one thing and it was a podcast. Good for my career. That's great. And another karaoke incident. In Thailand, a man shot eight of his neighbors, including his

brother-in-law, after tiring of their tuneless reprisals of John Denver's Country Roads. Oh. Can't butcher that song. Yeah, don't butcher songs, man. Yeah. Karaoke sucks. Yeah, man.

Let's just listen to the music. I'm sick of this shit. That's right, Eddie. It drives me nuts. Let's sing along. I can do that. I'll sing along. We'll all sing together.

Yeah. Yeah, but don't strip the lead vocals and change the guitars slightly and then just ruin every song that I've ever loved. It all sucks. I do want to know what your dad did to you that was abusive for football. We never talked about that. Have we talked about the laxatives and everything? He used to make me eat laxatives and put a trash bag on and run all day, and then I'd go play football at night on no food,

and I'd drink a bunch of water and eat a candy bar after I weigh in and go play football. He did it all wrong. I mean, it was great. It made me strong. I don't care. I don't know. It's fine. It made me strong. That's interesting. Kevin, as a person

who trained FSU football players, is that the proper way to prepare for it? That is not at all the right way to get strong. If people go back in time and talk to Ed's dad as he's strapping a garbage bag. Well, the thing is, when you're Pop Warners, it actually hurts kids more than it helps them. Big kids, anyway. Because you've got kids like me who have to lose weight to play. Oh, you have to be at a certain weight. Yeah, I can't be over 135 pounds and play.

And I was gigantic. You couldn't be over 135 pounds? That's crazy. Yeah, no, it was seventh grade. Oh couldn't be over 135 pounds? That's crazy. Yeah, no, it was 7th grade. Oh, 7th grade. 135 in 7th grade? That's not that much. It's not, but think about me going against an 80

pound kid and I would just destroy him. Yeah, you have to destroy him. The 80 pound kid should be out there. You're evolutionarily better. I was that 80 pound kid. And your name was Julian Sanchez. It should be out there. You're evolutionarily better. I was that 80-pound kid. Fuck the 80-pound kid. And your name was Julian Sanchez. And it hurts.

It hurts so bad. That's how you know you're not meant to play football. I wish I wouldn't have. Literally, I had to take two years off of football just because I was too big to play. That's ridiculous. What kind of fucking world are we living in? Too big to play? I can't believe you have to be underweight.

It seems like it will give you quite an eating issue. I mean, I still ate like a motherfucker. That's good. He does eat all that regular cold cuts in the middle of the night. Once I accepted that I was just going to not play for two years and just get strong for high school, I ate so much. It was great. I remember when I was just going to go to play, not play for two years and just get strong for high school, I ate so much.

It was great. But like, I remember when I was trying to make weight, my dad would make me eat laxatives and stuff like that. And one time I shit myself while I was running. Right. And he yelled at me and made me walk home like two miles. That sounds awesome, man. That sounds like the saddest story I've ever heard.

Wow. That's really bad. Yeah, I think that was abusive. Can we talk about these Kishi murders? Yeah, can we kill some monkeys? Before we get to the segment, we're going to get to one more story from Miami. Yeah! An officer with the Miami-Dade Police Department was arrested by federal authorities for stopping female drivers

for no other reason than to initiate quote, sexually suggestive conversations. Yeah, Miami. Gotta get that butt, man. You know, this is the problem with fucking police surveillance cameras that are on these cars now is cops can't just have fun anymore.

No. Is that fun? That is fun. Yeah, I guess so. Hitting on chicks? That's what cops is fun. Yeah, I guess so. Hitting on chicks? That's what cops do best. Yeah, I guess it's technically hitting on chicks. I mean, cops do all right with girls, you know, but they usually lose out to firemen.

Oh, of course. I would much rather fuck a fireman than a cop. God, firemen are so much better. Well, they have to be in shape. I love firemen. What? Firemen. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And all they can do is be a hero. A fireman never gives you a ticket for parking poorly. Well, firemen can tear your house down, technically. When it's on fire. If there's suspicion of fire, it's happened to me at a restaurant one time I was working at. Firemen came in. The neighboring place maybe had a fire. Their fire alarm went off, but they weren't responding.

So they came into our restaurant and literally axed through the wall to the next place. There was no fire and we had to pay for it. Wow. That is pretty great. We're like, here's Johnny. That's kind of fun. Is that what you said? Yeah. Johnny Carson. Well, this guy, his name, this officer,

his name is Prabhenjana Dwivedi. I mean, he shouldn't be a cop with a name like that. Yeah. On May 27, 2011, he allegedly instructed a woman identified only as AR to, quote, lower the zipper on the front of her dress

down past her breasts to her mid-stomach. Who's got a zipper that high? Yeah, good zipper dress. Chicks in Miami. Oh, yeah, of course. I bet it was like me and a plumber. I mean, how do we know he even said this? She's probably just saying this because she doesn't want to get the ticket. Well, in another stop,

he reportedly pulled over a 24-year-old bartender and accused her of driving while intoxicated. When he noticed a child safety seat in the car, he told the woman that she would lose custody of her child if arrested. The woman asked Duivetti to administer a roadside sobriety test. He reportedly refused to do so.

The paper learned that Duivetti then discussed the woman's breast enhancement surgery and asked, quote, if she had any photographs of her breasts. When he saw the photographs, he asked to see the scars from the surgery. When he saw the photographs, he asked to see the scars from the surgery. She then lifted her shirt and showed Duivetti the scar.

Duivetti then allowed the woman to drive home, but insisted on following her, allegedly to ensure her safety. I mean, this is just like a pro for women. Like, women, she didn't get a ticket though, right? The other girl didn't get a ticket. I'd fucking zipper whatever you want me to unzipper to not get a ticket. I'll do whatever you want me to do. You want me to suck you off? Don't give me a ticket. It's only a hundred bucks, Jackie!

But like, unzippering your zipper? He's not putting his hands down your pants. It's so weird how a woman will literally blow a cop to not get a ticket, but if I offer one $500 for a blowjob, I'm an asshole. That's a

pro-woman thing. Just like, you know, you can cry. I got pulled over once. I started to cry. I said I had to I bled through my shorts and I had to go to the bathroom because I was speeding and he let me go. That's brilliant.

And I cried. I got out of a ticket once telling a cop I was speeding because I had to shit and he let me go. It's the male equivalent to the female period. And the last complaint, I don't know why but this is my favorite one. He was accused of pulling down his pant zipper during a stop. I think it's my favorite one. He was accused of pulling down his pant zipper during a stop.

I think it's my favorite just because he's standing at the window talking to a person. He just unzips his pants and that's it. Yeah, bizarre. He must have been rock hard, right? Must have been what? Hard.

You could see that dick. Hard. A soft dude doesn't do this man. Those polyester pants, you could see that dick. Hard. A soft dude doesn't do this. A soft dude just writes a ticket. Yeah. Are there any stories of female cops using their power to get men to fuck them? No. This is strictly a male phenomenon, right?

Yeah, I think so. I also think that most police women are gay. You think so? Nah, there's some fly-ass police women. Yeah, but it doesn't mean they're not gay. Have y'all ever seen these fucking hot-ass NYPD girls? Yeah, there's some killing it.

Don't hit on them. They'll fucking beat the shit out of you. Yeah, they'll beat the shit out of you. Yes, they will. Jackie, if you got pulled over by a guy or a female police officer, you're going to get raped by a cop. Would you rather be a gal or a guy? No, a guy, because a gal will use an instrument. Yeah, they'll use a nightstick raped by a cop. Would you rather be a gal or a guy? No, a guy because a gal will use an instrument.

Yeah, they'll use a nightstick. You think so? Or the gun. Yeah, but they usually put the nightstick in the butt, though. Yeah, that's true. I mean, I'd rather the nightstick go in my pussy if it's going anywhere. Me too. Rather than even my mouth.

You just made a lot of people cum. I don't think so. All right, and now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Hey, it's the Ed segment. We miss him. What do you miss most about Ed? Marcus is going to find out who misses Ed the most

based off of their shitty sort of insult answer, and Ed will talk about the round table. What do you miss most about the round table? What I miss most about Ed... What? Yeah, that's the segment. I have to piss and I'm drunk. So let's get through this, please. I'm sweating bullets here.

I'm gonna go with the fact that I feel like we're all able to be just a little more racist with him around. Yeah, it's true. It's been a thing that I felt from the moment we started. I think every single one of us... I get away with stuff.

You know why? Half dude. I guess. Either way, it's been great. Fucking chinky. Fine. That was good. I missed you too, man.

Who's next? I got one. I don't feel as fat when Ed is here. Oh. Because he's so big. So big. He's like sweating up on me and I don't feel as sweaty and disgusting. Or as dumb.

Yeah, like I'm not the dumbest one when he's here. And I don't smell the worst. But when I'm not here, you are the dumbest. Yeah, I'm the worst. Yeah, I'm the one. I'm the fattest. I'm definitely here, you are the dumbest. Yeah, I'm the worst. Yeah, I'm the one. I'm the fattest. I'm definitely the sweatiest, unless Henry is here. Yeah, yeah.

And like, and... So when I'm not here, you're the fattest? Yeah. You're the dumbest. I'm the dumbest. And I look the worst. You look the worst. All right, yeah.

I think you're beautiful, Jackie. I think you're really gorgeous. Very sweaty. Very sweaty. Kevin? Very sweaty. Very sweaty. Kevin. Man, I missed your feet hitting my feet every once in a while when we sit across from each other. I kicked a lot. I mean, yo, these are moments I don't even know if you've noticed, but that shit means a lot to me, y'all.

I never really thought about that. I bet you do get kicked often. Yeah, you can slap the beside. Yeah, no, I know. But that's usually out of laughter, though. Yep. Well, I can slap the facade. Yeah, no, I know, but that's usually out of laughter though. Yep. Well, I love your laugh, Ed. You know, when I say so many funny things,

you always laugh at it. Don't get weird, Ben. It's good, and that's about it for me. I didn't miss you. You did not. Okay. No, that's funny. That's Ed being insulted. That's funny. Oh, being an insult comic. That's it. And Colter an insult comic. That's it. And Coulter, I mean, you've shared many a room with Ed.

I mean, the amount of time you guys have spent together. I mean, did your two-man team, Goofy and Giffy? Goofy and Giffy was very popular. Which one's Giffy? These were crazy. These were nuts. Oh, my goodness. But, yeah, besides, you know, the fact that, you know,

it's always nice in such an anti-Semitic town like New York to have another fellow What is the term? Child of the... A nose. Single child. Thank you. A nose dude.

That's the one. But also your ability to cook processed meats. Oh, yeah, that's true. I remember one night we were hanging out. Oh, man, you can eat some chicken wings? Yeah, whatever you like, baby. And also very much your joyous laugh while cooking processed meats.

I said his laugh. I didn't count because it was weird. Processed meats. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I thought that was weird. But processed meats, though. Welcome back, man. Hey, Marcus, yourself, what are you thinking?

Oh, I just miss elbowing you and showing you weird pictures of shit. Yeah, well, you only miss the elbow, and you would send me plenty of weird pictures from out of town. And what did you miss most about me on the roundtable? And I miss, like, well, I missed showing you the pictures in person because if you would have been here, I could have showed you the video

of the midget getting fucked by the clown. I only watched a little bit. I only watched, like, the first, like, ten seconds of that. Yeah, that porn. I saw the picture of it and I couldn't. I watched the 10 seconds of it,

and I just forwarded it to the entire writing staff. It gets so much better! This is regarding an email that Marcus sent to all of us randomly on, like, Tuesday morning. A clown fucking a midget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then it pans over. If you can get past the clown clown fucking a midget. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A clown fucking... Then it pans over.

If you can get past the clown licking the midget's pussy while everyone at the table is disgusted and you look to the head of the table is a big fat guy dressed like a baby. Someone's feeding him. Yeah. And the subject of it... Oh, that sounds nice.

And the subject of the email was Ed's first birthday party. Yeah, that's very, very nice. I stole that joke, man. I'm not going to lie to you. I stole the fuck out of that. You're stealing everything from me. Okay, what I miss most is now I can keep an eye on you.

Yeah. Seriously, I love you, Eddie, so much. I'm so glad you're back. I'm glad. But I think Jackie misses you the most because she was horrible when you were gone. There you go. Jackie wins. Jackie wins. Jackie wins it.

All right, Jackie. Thank you. What do you got, Eddie? What do you miss about us? What do you miss about us? You don't have to say anything. No. I missed you guys.

All right. Jackie Zagowski, Ed Larsen, Holy Manili, Kevin Barnett, I am Ben. Thank you, Marcus. That's very nice. Thanks, Colter. Thanks for being here, bud. Absolutely. Can we go get high? Yeah, we can do that.

Please.