The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 114: Monkey County, FL

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 114th episode of the Round Table: a Saddam Husein lookalike is kidnapped and is almost forced to star in a porno film about the former dictator, a woman in England dies after injecting herself with tanning drugs, and we find out what happens when all the Round Tablers get their own county, plus Nick Vatterott, Amber Nelson, and Tanisha Long sit in on the Hut!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. All right. I'm on prayer today. Yeah, please pray. Oh, I thought you were drinking Coke. No, no, this is beer. Dear Lord in heaven, our Savior,

hallowed be thy name. Amen. I'm asking God for his help today because I have a very real problem. The real God? The real God. Oh, the actual white God. Very interesting. Don't bring him up. He's watching over me.

All knowing, all seeing God, you know that over the last month, well, actually over the last year or so, I've become very close to a certain object that I own. Are you talking about your girlfriend? No. Because it's rude. No, I'm talking about his flashlight that I own. Are you talking about your girlfriend?

No. Because it's rude. No, I'm talking about his fleshlight, I think. Yes. Interesting. I'm talking about my fleshlight

and it smells. I'm sure it does. Real bad. It's a How long have you had it? Hold on a second. It's a musty type smell, but musty.

Put your dick in it? Wow, before the show even technically starts. What a champion. I always wonder what it's like to use a flashlight. So you just fuck the thing, and then afterwards it's sad and washing it in the sink. All right, big-breasted Tanisha, let's not go through portal talk right now i'm a d cup by the way i know we're gonna talk about it trust me i have a whole bunch of questions lined up for you uh mark uh and your prayer uh i wash it in in the bathtub but no matter how vigorously i wash it the

the smell has started to uh uh permeate throughout my entire apartment my roommate doesn't know what it is uh he hasn't asked but the problem is that the smell is following me everywhere what are you asking god yeah exactly i feel like it's more of a confession god already knows this are you asking for forgiveness or just asking for your roommate to accept it i'm asking god please make this smell go away. It follows me everywhere. It's on my hands all the time. Please, dear God, if you find it within your heart, I will renounce Satan if you make this smell go away.

All right, we'll make the smell go away. Amen. Amen. Holy Christ. Well, welcome to the roundtable. I mean, this is a glorious, This room is full with about 11 people and some of the greatest tits I've ever seen. The first pair, of course, belonging to Amber Nelson.

Thank you for being here, Amber. Oh, thank you for having me. I am a B-cup. Oh, very solid. Very, very solid. Not bad. I forgot. I suppose the roundtable are supposed to say who they are first.

So, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, I am the original tits of this cast. I love you. And don't you fucking forget it, you women here. And I'm a strong C-cup. Thank you very much. Yes, an absolute powerful C-cup. Powerful.

Ed Larson, I am also a C-cup. That's very good. Holder McNeely, loving it. Good. Kevin Barnett, man, we all got our own struggles. Absolutely. Yeah, that's a good point. We do.

Yeah. I'm struggling with the urge to furiously masturbate right now. I'll tell you, a lot of pretty gals here. Nick Vanneroth, thanks for being here, Nick. Negative D cup. I drink too much of it. It's great. We got Saman Arbabi, the real Persian here. How are you, buddy it. It's great. We got Saman or Bobby, the real

Persian here. How are you, buddy? Hairy nipples. Nice. You're doing very well. Thank you. Yeah, I got those too. That's good. Yeah, and we gotta be... You do a job in finance. We have another gal here who takes care of numbers. Who do you work for and what's your name? We don't know if we want to give away that information.

No, I mean she has to make it up. I already told her. You said the two things you weren't supposed to ask. No, no, no. I didn't say her name, and I don't say where she works. So you make it up, madame. Where do you work, and what's your name? Do you want to fuck me?

Lie about the first two, tell the truth about the third one. Well, I work for a county in Florida, and my name is Daisy. Holy crap. And you're a financial analyst for the whole county, correct? That is correct. And do you want to fuck me? We'll talk about that later.

That is a yes! That is not a yes! Alright, well it's a yes based upon the answer of the next guest. We have Tanisha. Do you want to fuck me? If you say no, I will fuck this other gal. If you say yes, I will gladly come all over you. Can I think about it? Can I think about it, Ben?

You can think about whatever you want to think about. I'm going to use what you say tonight to decide if I want to fuck you or not. That's usually how I decide if I'm going to fuck guys or not. It's always nice to know you're not getting laid. Just keep it a scorecard. Thank you. With little notches on it. All right, we'll talk.

You're so hot. Okay, and as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? The suspected bucket list bandit who robbed at least 10 banks during a near three-month road trip across the U.S. was arrested after running a stop sign in Oklahoma. Police in Roland said Michael Eugene Brewster, 54, who got his name by telling bank tellers he only had four months to live, was nabbed after his vehicle was found reported stolen in Florida while remarked with Utah license plates.

Not bad. Very interesting. A good bucket list. I like that someone's bucket list is rob a bank and blow a stop sign. It's two very different extremes. That's very nice It reminds me of the Breaking Bad situation The guy got diagnosed with cancer

He had a couple of months to live And now he's making meth This guy's robbing banks It's a good thing to do if you're about to die I mean, are you going to do something dangerous and crazy When you get cancer, Ben? If I get cancer? I just can't wait for the weight loss

I'm going to fuck Tanisha Ben Is that fine? I'm keeping not fuck Tanisha. Ben. Is that fine? I keep the notches. Was that good? No. It wasn't good.

That was a no notch, Ben. I found that very romantic. I thought it was nice. The man gets cancer and the only thing he can think about is you. Isn't that something? Yeah, that's very nice of you, Ben. Ben's been in that game. Oh, yeah. Oh, I spit a whole series of different games.

One thing I know that Ben got is bitches. I've heard that. I've heard that. If bitches are like saved video games on the Xbox, I've got so many bitches. A couple of them. I love how this is just turned into a fucking dating game show for Ben. He's like, get the girls in here. Get all the girls in here.

And he just goes around one after the other. Just makes them horribly uncomfortable. I mean, outside. No, no, she's cozy. Ask them about their interests, man. That's good. She's on the other side of the room. That's right. Put her there. Nick, what do you want to do on your bucket list? Nick Vatterot. Oh, bucket list, man.

If you have cancer. If you have cancer. Get rid of the cancer. That's the number one on my bucket list, man. If I get cancer, sign up for some sort of healthcare plan, go to a doctor,

and go, hey, this weird thing on my face that probably costs 300 bucks to get rid of, yeah. I lost a mole

so I can live. That's what I'll do. Not bad. Yeah, living a nice, long, healthy life is a wonderful thing

to put on your bucket list. That's very, very wonderful. Call my son. Find out where my keys are. I've done everything. If you never spoke to your father before and he finally calls you after finding out he has four months to live because he has cancer, that's a bit of an insult, right? You're the last thing on his mind.

Technically, yeah. He's like, oh, I'm dying. I better call that kid. Better call that dumb kid I don't remember. You only call me because you have an out. Right. You can always end the conversation with, I'm coughing, about to die. You've got to go deal with this cancer.

It's nice seeing you after 80 years. Yeah, not bad at all. So are they charging this guy with a crime, or does he get away with it? I do feel like if you get diagnosed with cancer, you get one bank robbery or one meth sale for free, right? Absolutely. Essentially. Hey, it's the news with Marcus Parks. Yeah, everything's fine.

I mean, I'm just doing things. Hey, take a look at this guy. He looks like the guy from Breaking Bad. You can tell one eye is definitely a lot bigger than the other one. Yeah, yeah, that's his seeing eye. The man is from Pensacola, Florida. Oh, yeah. That's very nice.

How much money did he make away with? It doesn't say how much money he made away with, but he did rob ten banks. Holy shit! Ten banks? How many were ten? It was an 85-day trip across the country. If that guy was black, I'm just gonna say, because I'm the black person in the room, he would have robbed one bank!

He would have robbed one fucking bank and he would have died while doing... Oh, wait. No, you're here. Yeah, how do you feel about that? Is it because I'm wearing an element shirt? She's colorblind. I'm so used to being the only black person in the room. That's how ready I was to say that.

I'm like, look, I'm the only black person here. And I was like, wait, there's another one. Let me ask you this, Kevin. If this guy tried to rob a bank, 10 banks, and he was Haitian, what would have happened? If he was Haitian? Well, first of all, he would have went out barefoot. That's racist. It's not racist.

Don't Haitians melt once they get inside banks? I've heard that. These are very controversial statements. Tanisha, how would you rob a bank if you had to do it? Okay, if I had to rob aa, how would you rob a bank if you had to do it? Okay, if I had to rob a bank, I would...

Oh, this is going to be stupid. I would bring a bunch of pies with me. Because I like pie. I feel like other people like pie. I would be like, hey, here's some pie. Could you give me all your money, please? And then I would freak out like... What's that movie with Queen Latifah?

Set It Off style. And then my girlfriends with their braids would show up and then we would rob the bank. And we'd probably all get shot in the end. Yeah, it'd be cool to have a cat squad. A bunch of chicks come in, they're in ripped leather and they're just like, and they're just like, and they're all wearing cat ears.

Yeah, yeah. And big tails and like claws. Yeah, exactly. That's a good wearing cat ears. Yeah, yeah. And big tails and like claws. Yeah, exactly. That's a good show, man. You sold it. Yeah. We. Yeah.

Sold it. I think that's absolutely wonderful. I mean, you know, if you showed in, if you went up to any sort of establishment, Tanisha, or the wonderful gal over here to my right. Daisy. Daisy. Ben's got it laid. Oh, I'm never going to get laid.

I'll never have sex again. I can't wait to fist fuck myself for the rest of eternity. But that's. Ben's not even late. I'm never going to get laid. I'll never have sex again. I can't wait to fist fuck myself for the rest of eternity. But that's a whole different sort of pleasure. Is it? Yeah, yeah. It's fine. Makes you feel like you're shitting but reverse. Huh? Reverse poop.

Yeah, it's reverse poo poo. Anyway, so you show up and you're topless. I feel like if you walk into any establishment, people will just throw money at you. I mean, it show up and you're topless. I feel like if you walk into any establishment, people will just throw money at you. I mean, it's a very easy way to get the cash. It's legal to be topless now, too. Yeah. I don't want that job. Not in a restaurant,

though. You figure that's got to be, you know, a health violation of some sort. What are titties going to do? What are you talking about? Squirt! Titties don't squirt. Not spontaneously. Ladies of the round table, how clean are your titties? Squirt. You're so clean. Teddy squirt. Titties don't squirt. You're so clean. Not spontaneously. Ladies, ladies of the round table, how clean are your titties? My titties are extreme clean.

I clean them all the time. They're great. I don't agree. No. Who doesn't have clean tits here? I do have one hair growing out of my nipple. That doesn't make it dirty. You do.

Interesting. And did you name the hair growing out of your nipple? What'd you call it? Albert Brooks. That's an interesting name. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it you call it? Uh, Albert Brooks. Well, that's an interesting name. No story behind it. No, nothing at all. I don't want to know the story. Alright. I always say, you know, whenever anybody arrives at bank, and this is like point blank, but they've done a lot of movies, and they do it in real life where they come in with the president masks on.

Yeah. I think that'd be the best ever if the presidents were like, hey guys, we should run. Right, right, right. Nobody will think it's real. That would be amazing. This is Jimmy Carter in there. Give me all your money. No.

Oh, okay. He's a weak president. He was a bad one. Exactly. Jackie, have you ever squirted anything out of your nipple involuntarily? No, I've already talked about this. All I want to do is lactate. And you just squeeze them, and you squeeze them, and nothing comes out, man.

I understand. So the baby arrives, and it just happens? Yes. Yes. So weird. It's like alien shit. And then it keeps pumping forever, right? No.

As long as you've got ovaries? That's why you've got to wear a bra so you don't leak out. No, that's true, though. It will keep pumping. If you keep squeezing, you can lactate forever. That's what wet nurses are. That's why they bring in people that, like, if they don't want to breastfeed the baby, they bring in people that are still squirting from other babies,

and then they squirt into their baby's mouths, and then they feed the babies. I've seen a porn like that. I'm never having sex. Thanks for that whole recap on what happens when you get pregnant. Never having sex, Ben. It's hot. And apparently, also, we were having this discussion earlier. Holden, I think it was with you, right?

And Ed, when you cum inside of a pregnant gal, we were discussing if the cum hits the baby. Yeah, does the cum hit the baby? It doesn't hit the baby. I'm sorry, maybe a girl can answer it better, but the information that I got was the cervix shuts it down and puts the wall up, and then the cum can no longer hit the fucking baby in the

face. Oh, that's God not being a creep, you know? Alright, next news story. A bride-to-be who was obsessed with having bronzed skin died in a sunbed salon only weeks after injecting herself with banned tanning drugs. Jenna Vickers, 26, collapsed inside a cubicle at the shop after telling friends she was, quote, very happy with the unlicensed tanning products.

It is believed she had bought a 25-pound, by the way, pounds, that's about 50 bucks, 25 pound kit containing melanotin off the internet three weeks earlier. Take a look at this woman. She's the one in the middle. Oh, she's dressed like a Junebug.

She's got the Paul tattoos on her breasts. You know, this is good that this happened because, you know, we need to know the limits of the human body. And these fucking, these new drugs. You know, this is good that this happened because, you know, we need to know the limits of the human body. And these fucking, these new drugs. You know, 25 pounds of tanning fluid. You're done, no matter how big you are. No, no, no. The pound, pounds is a

it's currency. Oh, it's currency. Oh, no. She's not even, she wasn't even that tan, dude. It's kind of sad. Well, no, it didn't work The first thing she tried killed her Yeah

But she tried She just went out into the sun a little bit Just a little bit Well, she's British They have a big problem with things like that They don't have a sun I can't even get mad at Miss Vickers Every time I go to the beach

I try to tan What? Black people tan Alright You're not talking to the microphone if you're going to talk about tanning yeah I mean I can't get mad at her because I've tried to tan because my whole life

my family hasn't told me they told me I'm not black enough because I'm like yellowish yeah yeah yeah I think I'm amazing colored but um like it's really hard why do you want to tan I mean I feel like

How does the black person tan look? It looks great It looks amazing It's dark They go from dark to darker It's beautiful as shit I mean Can you

Can you subscribe to that? I mean how pretty I know you get a tan You turn like gold Look Alright I'm just Alright I don't go I know some people do

Do that It's strange to me Cause I mean really Alright, I'm just I know some people do do that It's strange to me Because I mean, really Growing up, it was like Where we were, we would always make fun of people Oh, you darker shit, you darker shit Make fun of people for that And so some people tan, they want to get darker

Marcus, you did a similar thing when you were growing up as well What? A little more racist Yeah, but instead of tanningning It was beating with a hammer On the heads of animals Axe Axe So that was

That was an insult Kevin No yeah it was an insult Yeah You know You probably heard that before Just people I get it all the time Yeah exactly man

It happens But yeah People think How Is this your blackest? Have you been blacker than this? Oh yeah I've been darker than this, man.

Dude, I used to live on fucking five acres and spend all day just shoveling dirt in the sun. Just shoveling dirt all day. That is pretty black. That was illegal. So, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Five acres, huh? Yeah.

I believe the activity is more black than the actual. No mule, dude. Just pain, hurt, dirt. That was it. Unbelievable. This injection tanning is taking over. Holden, you know somebody who was doing the injection tanning, right? Yes, I do. I have an online Facebook friend that I keep up with very religiously.

She does injection tanning. She's a huge proponent. She'll go to your house and give you the injections. She was on a newscast. She was talking about it. She was like, she has this weird deep this weird deep voice she's like it helps my uh confidence helps to keep my confidence up and then she had a mother that she was like giving the tan the the injection to and the mother was like i just don't have i own a tanning bed but i just don't have time 20 minutes every day to tan in this tanning bed so i need something else yeah it was crazy.

She was adamant. It was like, of course, no one has 20 minutes a fucking day to go to their personal tanning bed. You know what she should do? She should take a bunch of the tanning solution and put it in cake. That way she'd definitely get it. That's the thing. It's not FDA approved.

It's not good for people to do. It's a very white trash thing. Yeah, definitely not. Daisy, you're a very pale gal. Have you ever done any sort of major tanning in your life? In a beautiful way. Oh, gorgeous. Okay, let me clarify. Every woman in here is gorgeous. I want to be with all of them, inside of them.

Okay, so you are... They almost say something nice so many times. That was nice? You're like, almost nice. That was nice. I want to be almost nice. I thought that was nice. I want to be inside of you so we can be one together. That's nice. It is fine.

It's a fine thing to do. I wouldn't go to a formal dance and then say that to a gal. We're not at a formal dance. I'm sitting. But this is what I do at dances too. But that's fine. But have you ever gone through extreme lengths to tan that beautiful skin of yours? That was nice

I guess I'm like a snidely whiplash kind of way That was like the nicest one of all Thank you Tanisha There was a period in high school Where my best friend and I Sort of bathed in The sunless tanner stuff

Instead of taking showers in the morning We would just put on the sunless tanner stuff. Instead of taking showers in the morning, we would just put on more sunless tanner. Oh, my God. That's disgusting. Yeah, it was pretty gross. That's like turning yourself into an M&M. I'm really tan, so. Yeah?

Hot as hell. That's great. Bet you guys look like cheese doodles. That's the thing. The apply-on skin tanner does make you look very orange. It never really worked. No, it's awful. Yeah.

Amber, you ever dabble in their dick? Well, there's fun things you can do with it, though, because you don't have to put it all on. You just put a little bit on in spots. You can draw with it. I would take, like, the tanner and kind of put little rings around my dick and then the top part I put that orange stuff on and then when I got a heart

I look like Ernie you muppetized your cock it is changing my whole brain around about all this shit man I'm down let's do this let's play Muppet Babies Holden if you had to make

your cock a Muppet What kind of Muppet Are you making it Which Muppet I mean originally I was thinking Piglet That's Winnie the Pooh though Oh yeah Beaker

Beaker would be Yeah of course Piglet You wanna make your Fucking dick The gay pig Yeah yeah Absolutely

Some kinky shit What about Gonzo Gonzo would be a lot of fun Cause you'd put a little tiny motorcycle Glue it to the bottom of your penis And then make it do tricks and stuff But Beaker's great What's the green guy's name?

Dr. Honeydew Dr. Honeydew could be your balls You make your balls into Dr. Honeydew Beaker's the dick And then you can do bits Two man bits which the girlfriend loves it honestly every time i bring home with penis bits she's just like please please let's stay together for another three years i gotta turn my asshole into grover oh that's great

uh a lot of blue fur and glue. See, now we're getting outrageous. This is getting too wild. Jackie, if you had a great day with the fella, he bought you tons of beers, you unbuttoned his pants, what kind of Muppet do you want to see for his cock? I guess Miss Piggy, right? Oh, a lesbian type thing. More pigs?

What about Snuffleupagus? He doesn't exist. Okay, yeah, that's true. What? I'll tell you what. That's not a complaint at this point. There's nothing down there, Kendall. Another fun one would be the garbage heap from Fraggle Rock.

Turn that, yeah, like your whole mound. Then you can push your head down for a blowjob and be like, down and frag a rock. I'll tell you what, I was beaten off the other day and I got walking on sunshine in my head while I was jerking off and I literally couldn't get it out of my head

so I'm beaten off with, I'm walking on sunshine. And don't feel good! And then I then I was yeah and then I fucking blew fucking mad bloke. That song is about beating off isn't it? I guess it is Oh no it's Blister in the Sun. Blister in the Sun yeah yeah. Blister on the palms am I right? And Wiggle My

Woggle by the Funny Boys I love it. I feel like that's such a beautiful innocent song combined with you doing vicious things. What were you masturbating to at the time? Marie McRae. Is she a porn star? Redhead porn star.

She's doing stuff with Faye Reagan. She's doing stuff with other chicks and dudes, and it's very fun. And she's got the little kind of school girl. Look, Sarah! Hold it, I'll hold it. Enough of you talking about it. Tennille, tell me about Faye Reagan.

What do you like to watch her do the most? Oh my God, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to get into Faye Reagan. Please get into her. I love her so much. She's so beautiful. Uh-huh. She makes those noises

like when she's getting funny. She's like, I can't stand it. I have to put mute on the fucking thing. Tennille, can you do your best Faye Reagan impression? What? Oh, God.

Calling her the wrong fucking name. Don't sleep with him. She's not sleeping with me. No one is sleeping with me. All you had to do was call me my right name to sleep with me. Tanisha. Fuck that up.

I'm not going to do an impression of Faye Reagan. I was just going to say how Beyonce countdown, it makes me think about masturbating. Okay, yeah. I can see how that could get you mad. I don't know. And then it's sort of stressful because she's counting down the numbers.

Yeah, she's counting down masturbating. It's really stressful the whole time. That's got to get difficult. Yeah. Yeah. Walking on sunshine, though, is far more awkward and bizarre. I think so. Especially when it's only playing in your brain for no reason.

Yeah, for no fucking reason. While you're watching porno. Yeah, exactly. Like beating your horrible cock. Oh, my God. All. While you're watching porno. Yeah, exactly. For no reason. Oh my god. Alright, you know what it's time for right now? Monkey news! Monkey news! Get out the bananas,

boys! An aggressive monkey prowled the streets of Florida yesterday, biting satellite dishes, and taking over pool decks as authorities tried to capture him. Did he get shot? No.

Did he shoot him up? The pet had managed to escape from his cage in his owner's home and roamed Live Oak Boulevard near Lake Mary Boulevard in Sanford. Do you know where Sanford, Florida is? Never heard of it. All right. Well, neighbors called the emergency services when the monkey, called Zeke, sneaked out of his...

Great monkey name. great monkey name great monkey sneaked out of his reinforced metal cage and one resident thought they had accidentally provoked him and the monkey still on the loose yeah oh and here is that everyone that's the monkey great monkey yeah so beautiful i hope this monkey gets away. He will. Absolutely. That monkey's like OJ. Monkey, if you're listening,

stay free, stay in the trees, go where the swamps are, stay away from the gators and the snakes. Or I'll translate. Oh! Oh! Very good. Come to New York. There's so many...

Oh, that's the only thing we need on the round table. It's the only thing we're missing is a monkey. I know. I'll translate that last bit. New York. I don't know how much a monkey would contribute to this. I could do my job very well. Why don't you much a monkey would contribute to this. I could do my job very well. Why don't you think a monkey could contribute?

I don't know, man. A couple things. Weird hands. Very strange. You can't see the hands, though. I mean, just look, man. This dude is using satellites all wrong. That's the first thing.

Yeah, it was such a specific part of his rampage. You know? He was biting satellites, and then there was like one pool thing, and that was really... More satellites! Where are they? I feel like monkeys always know how to fuck humans up. And he was in a rich neighborhood, and he went straight for the satellite dishes and their pools, and that is it. That's all you can do. Well, Sanford resident Samuel Boylson told the website that he panicked when he saw the monkey.

He fled to a nearby home's porch to, quote, seek shelter from Zeke, but when it followed and approached him, he kicked it. After this, What? Don't kick it. After this, the monkey caused pandemonium as it then started

tearing around the street, jumping on vehicles and clambering over residents' rooftops. Motherfucker, kick me! Fogelmeat, fogelmeat! Neighbor Sherry Futrell told CF News 13, He got on our roof, then he went to the neighbor's roof. He jumped on there, and he had a satellite dish, and he jumped on there,

and he was eating the satellite dish, so we threw a banana. And he wouldn't take the banana. No, dude, it's obvious. What a dumb monkey. Can I save a whole three paragraphs? It was a being like a monkey. This monkey was actually like a monkey. He threw a banana at it

and it didn't eat it. I don't understand. I mean, Eddie, if you couldn't shoot the monkey and you want to keep the monkey alive, how would you stop it and eat it. I don't understand. I mean, Eddie, if you couldn't shoot the monkey, you want to keep the monkey alive, how would you stop it from going on a rampage eating satellite dishes? And then before he answers the question, you say monkey five times. Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey.

That wasn't five. That was six. That was five. Once a monkey goes on a rampage, you gotta put it down. Once that monkey tastes human blood, it's a man-e on a rampage, you've got to put it down. Really? Once that monkey tastes human blood, it's a man-eater. You can't trust it again. If it bites one human, it's going to bite a lot more.

Put the monkey down. Shoot it in the head. Hang it. Hang it. Hang it. Are you calling for a monkey lynch? No, you can't really hang a monkey because it'll probably just climb back up. Honestly, hanging a monkey is the least effective way to kill a monkey.

It's like trying to kill a man by putting him in his apartment bed. Trying to drown a fish. Go to sleep. Yeah, exactly. Drown a fish. Can you handle all this oxygen? What were you going to say, Amber? Oh, they go for your face, your hands, and your genitals.

And that's why they're so terrifying. Yeah, they rip your fucking lips off immediately. It's the same thing I do on a first date, am I right? Kind of funny. It's a real tragic show for me. No, that's true. They definitely know exactly where to kill and maim people. That's very, very interesting stuff.

Well, we're going to move right now from monkey news to wrestling news. Oh! Saman, anything on the monkeys? Anything on the monkeys, Saman, real quick? I'm from the Middle East, man. I can't make comments on monkeys or human beings. No monkeys there. But you guys have lots of monkeys, like stealing dates and stuff, right? Actually, there are no monkeys in the Middle East. man. I can't make comments on monkeys or human beings. No monkeys there. But you guys have lots of monkeys, like, stealing dates and stuff, right? Actually, there

are no monkeys in the Middle East. What? I was in Morocco. Oh, well, that's northern Africa. That's Africa. That's close. Ed, you're basing all of your knowledge on the Middle East on Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, which was in India.

Which is not in the Middle East. The Jewish thing, Marcus, is every season. That monkey was in Egypt. There's other monkeys in the other one in India. Right, right. There's monkeys all over those movies. You've got to check them out. Did we just crack the code as to why you like that movie?

Yeah. Which one? Indiana Jones? Oh, the monkey movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Monkey 1, Monkey 2, and Monkey 3. Yeah, those movies. I hated the fourth one. No monkeys.

No, that's a terrible thing. The fourth one had more monkeys than all the rest of them. That's right. All the monkeys. I mean, we watched Return of the Planet of the Apes together. You love the monkey movies.

I love it. It's the Great Monkey War. Yeah love the monkey movies. Great time. I love it. That's the Great Monkey War. Yeah, awesome Monkey War. Monkeys taking over the town. We don't have a chance. No, definitely. What animal brains would you like to eat the most? I mean, Indiana Jones, they eat the monkey brains.

Elephant brains would be good. Monkey brains. Giraffe brains might be okay. I tell you what's pretty good is goat brains. Really? Okay. I'd be into that because I want to get the wisdom of the goat. I believe the goat has more secrets than we would ever know or tell.

So as soon as I can hike up a mountain, I want to find one of those ones that are up on the peak of a mountaintop, too. One of those crazy ones. Oh, the jumper one? Yeah, yeah. Get one of them brains in me. Go to Jamaica, dude. They eat that shit all the time.

Do they? Goat brains? Yeah, it's gross, man. Well, they eat goat brains! Kevin, have you ever indulged on goat brains? Man, look. Y'all already know how I feel about Jamaica.

You love it. It's a beautiful place. Nah, dude. It sucks. It's a shithole. We all know that. I'm just hurt and hungry. There's not enough food. They make this thing called Manish Water, which is they just mash up a goat's head just fucking beat the shit out of this goat's head throw it into a thing with some soup and then they take the balls too they cut up the dick they don't do it all the time so much other

all up in there yeah there's so many other parts of the goat how much meat are you getting huh you're not getting any meat really there's a good amount of meat in there so to be like are you all of that shit with the balls this thing is like it's like i'll be there be like, oh, we got this man, and that's all there is to eat. They're like, oh, we got this man that's water. I'm like, I'm not eating that shit. I'm not fucking eating that. And eight hours later, I got no food. I'm sitting there standing.

I just end up eating that. It's awful. But it tastes great. Yeah? Interesting. The idea of it is disgusting to me. I love it. Starvation really does break a person down.

It broke you down to the point where you ate the cock of a goat. I believe in things, man. How much does that go for? How much does it go for? The man's one? Yeah, like the dick balls. If you just get the dick and balls. Just dick and balls, no sides.

I don't know, because whenever... No nipple, no teeth, no gums. Just straight up dick bomb platter. Hey, dick bomb platter. I don't know. Whenever I have it, like we're up in the mountains, and they just find goats. They kill the goats. They have goats that they raise, and then there's goats that's like running around,

and they kill it. They don't ever buy them. But I don't think they sell it. I'm sure they do sell it in the city, but I haven't had it there. Tanisha, if you had to eat the dick of one animal, what animal are you eating? Oh, gosh. It's a tough one. Ooh, tiger cock. Tanisha if you had to eat the dick of one animal What animal are you eating Oh gosh A tiger Ooh tiger cock

It's animal prowess I would be like Anne Hathaway In the last Batman movie I feel like if I ate A tiger dick I'm now regretting saying that after saying it That's fine Daisy What animal dick do you want to eat

There's so many to choose from I know regretting saying that after saying it. That's fine, Daisy. What animal dick do you want to eat? There's so many to choose from. I know. Giraffes seem kind of interesting. That's a lot of food, though. That is a big dinner. You're hungry. I would never be hungry again. Can we find out how big it is?

I am. I'm guessing a giraffe dick is seven pounds. You think a seven pound out how big it is. I am. I'm guessing a giraffe dick is seven pounds. You think a seven pound cock and a giraffe? Well, that's a guess. I'm going to go eight. Bat's dick. It's like a little tic-tac. Just pop it in.

Good breath freshener. Done. Exactly. Appetizer dick. Well, we're loading up on wiki answers right now. How long is a giraffe's penis? Okay. Simone, you're from the Middle East. What dicks do they eat in the Middle East? Camelsack. Camelsack? Nothing? up on wiki answers right now how long is a giraffe's penis okay so uh that's someone you're from the middle east what did they eat in the middle east a camel sack camel not bad interested a uh all the camel sack with a pita bread no hummus a giraffe's penis is 35 inches No way! You are a glutton, Daisy!

Oh my god! That's too much dick! That's too much dick! It is! Did they chop it up? I love dick. That's too much, though. That is way too much.

That's great. Good for giraffes. Imagine the female giraffe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, if the... Wait, so it's 35 inches long. I mean, the female giraffe vagina. Oh, and a female giraffe, by the way, pisses on a dude giraffe's head in sex.

You can look it up. Really? Yes, it's a part of their mating. I think it's like for the pheromones or something, but I read this the other day. A female giraffe pisses on a male giraffe's head and then they fuck. That's also...

Before they fuck. Before they fuck, I think. Interesting. It's a great B-roll because you're imagining all these big fucking necks and shit. Yeah they fuck. Before they fuck, I think. Interesting. It's a great B-roll, because you're imagining all these big fucking necks and shit. Yeah, yeah. And this thing's gotta happen before. Before, it goes down before, because I think a giraffe's, like,

piss is like, uh, chocolate sundae. Gets you real hot. Yeah, yeah. Definitely. It's sort of delicious. And it's the Ben Kissel of sexual animals. Well, we don't talk about my certain preferences. That's great. Marcus, you look visibly upset by the images that you're showing. Put these up for everyone.

These are great. Oh, that's giraffes having sex. It is beautiful. It's majestic. Oh, wow. I have never seen a more confident male. A male giraffe fucking. Dude, he is fucking railing that chick.

It's so pink. It looks like my ex-boyfriend's penis. All right, well, let's never mention him again. I don't like him. Wow, look at that. Very confident. I love it. Wow.

It's unsheathed. I will say, I feel like the ladies got the worst. If I was a woman, I would want to come back as a giraffe or like a lion. Human females have to do so much work in sex. The animals, the man always mounts from behind, and the gal just sits there as if she's watching some sort of wonderful program of Desperate Housewives. I love it.

Oh, down there. Get nuts. For those of you who don't know, this giraffe is fucking a donkey. This giraffe is breaking social stereotypes in the giraffe community. That's beautiful. That looks like right to me, guys. I feel like I'm looking at an offensive lineman's ass. So you know when a horse fucks a donkey, it's a mule.

We talked about this last week. When a giraffe fucks a donkey, they could make something. I guess. Is it possible? Jackie, you're the expert on this. I don't know. I feel like this is what I look like when I have sex. I'm pretty sure I'm the giraffe or the donkey.

Definitely the donkey. Look at him. Look at how sad and afraid. And the giraffe has to just, God, just burrow down upon him. Just like hold him down. Like, get. Take it. Yeah, there was definitely cocaine involved.

Nick, let's say you're a proud papa of a giraffe donkey baby. What do you want with your kid? Like, what kind of future do you have planned for him? He or she can love whoever he wants. I'm not going to judge. I will support everything. I was thinking, because all this animal, I was thinking about Howard the Duck for some reason. Oh, interesting.

Howard the Duck, okay. Yeah, you know, a duck trying to have sex with a woman. Because, Amber, you were saying the duck's dick is all fucking... It's all really cute. It's a court screw, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Because doesn't he have sex with somebody in that movie?

Another female duck. Another female duck. You see her duck tits and everything. What? Who are the duck tits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Little duck titties. I just dreamed that. For anyone who doesn't

know what it looks like, that is a duck penis. That's a duck penis. That's a duck penis. It's good for carpentry as well. Painful. Painful business. I had no idea that giraffes would fuck a donkey, though. I mean, does that happen a lot in the animal community? You never

really see interspecies fucking. How much cooler of a world would it be, too, if the interspecies fucking was rampant and they actually created crazy, nutty different animals? Yeah. Way better world. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd get up earlier. Yeah. I'd give it a job and women would love it.

You know, I want to see a rhinopotamus Yeah A rhino and a hippopotamus That would be the most badass animal on earth That would be Rhinopotamus I want to see Well being in New York

I want to see like a rat And like a mailman Always on time Like surprisingly quick mailman Like a giant mailman Hey Like a giant mailman suit. Hey, it's your mail. You're a fucking creature, but goddammit, you deliver my packages on time. Under my door.

Yeah, he's always under my door. Someone sneak in there. Pigeon, mailman. Whatever. Just anything in a mailman. Just summon a mailman. All right, well, you know, actually, we do have some wrestling news.

Oh, yeah. Former female WWE pro wrestling manager Tamara Lynn Sitch. You know who that is? Sunny. It's Sunny. Sunny had a busy week after being arrested three days in a row in Connecticut

on domestic violence complaints. Police in the town of Bradford said that 39-year-old Sitch, known in wrestling circles as Sonny, was arrested Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday on charges that included disorderly conduct and violating a protective order. WSFBTV reports that following her appearance at New Haven Superior Court, Sitch was released to her sister, Denise Stone, who said that she was taking her to a New Jersey rehabilitation center. Police reportedly said that domestic violence complaints

came from the wrestling diva's boyfriend, independent wrestler Damian Darling. I'll tell you. What does independent wrestler mean? Independent wrestler means that you're too fat to be in the WWE. That is true. I feel like this is very sad. Sunny used to be a beautiful woman. Put her mugshot up there for

people to see. She was so stunningly gorgeous and look what happened to her now. She looks like Reba McIntyre or what's the other fat one? Reba McIntyre's not fat? There's nothing wrong with being fat. I am a morbidly obese man who will have sex with more than a portly gal.

Don't judge me. It's got a negative connotation when you say it for some reason. No, it's just I'm from the Midwest. Okay. I love that. You know, babe, you're more than portly. That's right. That's my level.

That's right. You're more than my cutoff. You're my cutoff weight. Can I see her old pictures? What did she use? Yeah, put her... She was so stunningly gorgeous. Look at her.

Look at her. Who was Sunny with? She was with Bret Michaels for a little while. Bret Michaels. A dreamboat. I love them together. Oh, I did. Was she Cherry Pie?

Was that her? No, no. That's not from the Warrant video, although she was more than attractive. More attractive than that girl. Was Bret Michaels a sexy boy? You're not his... Shawn Michaels. Bret Michaels was the guy that died, right?

No, that would be Owen Hart. Jesus! My WWF! Also, I don't know WWE. It's the same company. I'm so old. How old are you? I'm not telling you. I'm 22.

I'm turning 23 you She's 22 I'm not telling you how old Yeah I'm 22 That's great I'm turning 23 in a few weeks Well uh I'm 9 years old Are you my daddy? Yes That's very creepy

Let's go to the park There it is It's my dream This is my fantasy This story Let me know This was only 15 years ago What's so sad Is that this woman was so beautiful.

I guess she's 23, 24 there. And then you see her now and you realize there's just no hope for the future. Holy Lord, there's a tit shot. That is a man. That is a man. Sad. I like how you thought the guy chest was an actual boob. So how many boobs have you seen, Ben Kissel?

I've seen two breasts. I've seen two breasts. I've seen two breasts. Mine. And they're very nice. That's why I keep on gaining weight. I want to fuck a fatty with big tits one day and I jack off constantly. She was AOL's most downloaded woman

of 1996. No, 39... 1996, so what was that? 16 years later, she's arrested for domestic abuse three days in a row. It's absolutely tragic. In July, uh, We didn't have a computer in 1996. Well, that's why she was the most downloaded.

Eight people downloaded it. In July, she ended up in a hospital after her boyfriend said she drank nearly two gallons of vodka. Wow! She's with the wrong man! I like her. In one day? Yes. She's a fun girl.

I'll tell you one thing. I want to have... I never wanted to have giraffe sex so bad in my life. Sonny, you and me do it. Piss on my head, we'll get the whole thing done. You're not a giraffe. I'm a person. You have to be determined

Next story An Egyptian Saddam Hussein lookalike Claims an Iraqi gang tried to kidnap him And force him to make a pornographic film Impersonating the late dictator Mohammed Bashir Who comes from Alexandria Said the group hoped to sell their video

As exclusive erotic footage Of the former leader He claims the gang beat him severely When he refused to go along with the plan, despite being offered $333,000. I want to follow these kids around and hear their other ideas. Yo, man. You know that dude who looks like Saddam Hussein? I say we kidnap him and make him

fuck people for money. I love being friends with you, dude, because you got all the good ideas. How much money you got? $333,000. That should work. I think that's wonderful. Entrepreneurs.

Look how sad he is. It looks just like him. He really does. Don't fuck with me. Is it wrong that I would watch that video on xvideos.com? I would totally put Saddam Hussein in the search. Let me ask you. Why did you feel the need to put the dot com on there?

Are you being paid by xvideo? I am. They're paying me 10 cents per promotion. Kevin, would you take this job if someone gave you $334,000 to fuck a chick on? Well, I mean, I don't know whatever parody they're trying to make. You have a beard, but you still look like you. But it's like Saddam, like the day he got arrested, Saddam. Right, it's not pretty Saddam.

It's old, ugly Saddam. It's spider hole Saddam. I don't know, man. Looking at that picture, I'm like, the first thing I would think is I gotta get that dude to fuck people, man. It just makes so much sense. There's Saddam. There's our man.

They got an A for casting. It really is exactly looking like Saddam. Dead look-alike, yeah. It might be. Do you think this is a conspiracy? Saddam is still alive. He's getting into the adult porn biz. Well, last weekend, he was kidnapped en route to a cafe in Alexandria by three men in black suits.

Oh, of course they were in black suits. Black involved. It's an American conspiracy. Yeah. You disagree with that? Yeah. What? He told a newspaper,

You can't disagree with that. He told a newspaper, the three men who had guns hanging from their belts forced me out of my car and shoved me into a van, hitting my head. Is he Native American? He put me into a car, hitting my head. I'm offended by your accent. Sounds like he's going on a vision quest.

Jackie, if you had to be with one dictator other than Stalin or Mussolini, and they have to be dead, what porn star or reenactor do you want? Why would you ever think that I would want to be with Mussolini? I don't know. I don't know you. Absolutely disgusting. And I guess it would probably have to be, I don't know, Genghis Khan. Ooh, big dick Genghis.

More of a conqueror than a dictator, though. You know, same diff, right? I like it. He banged the bejesus out of a certain amount of the world's population is based off of Genghis Khan's fucking load. So, I mean, you know. You would get the night of your life

with that guy. He was probably really good at it. Conqueror, yeah. Conquer you. You conquer me like that giraffe conquered that donkey. All it is, he just fucks you from behind and plays a big game of Risk on your back. Like, he just has all the territories marked out and puts the flags up. Is it called a gonky? I guess so.

Sure. Yeah. I mean, it's better than, like, a giraffe-y. Well, this guy, he's Egyptian, by the way, and he bears such a strong resemblance to Saddam that he was previously assaulted by Iraqis living in Egypt whom has took him for the despot and hoped to claim a reward by turning him in. Oh, poor guy.

That's awful. What are the plot lines for the porno? Right. With Saddam. He's like, all right, in this one, you're just stopping by to do some diplomacy and it gets sexy. It's Saddam and they grab a black girl. It's Saddam and Condoleezza Rice.

Oh, of course. Wow. That's a good one. Very hot. Who's target for and Condoleezza Rice. Oh, of course. Wow. That's a good one. Very hot. I'm sneaking out right now. Very hot. Tanisha's going to... She's making a move out.

She's moving out. Saddam did have a lot of beers and a little potty. That's what I have to think of me as well. It might be weird about it. There's a bit of a transition. Might be a little cut later. Or we just listen to my theme music.

Hey, don't do me so. I'm going to cut it. I thought we should keep... I thought it was really powerful. Go piss. Go piss, film it, and come back with some footage. All right. Holy Christ.

I feel like things are going well with me and her. Yeah. Anyway, what were you going to say? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is why America is so much better than other countries because the guy who looked like saddam in america you heard about him he worked at a it was a car dealership he used car dealership i didn't know and he just keeps getting cast in

movies as saddam hussein yeah yeah yeah just all subnormal movies he doesn't have to do porn this guy he just turned it down yeah that's. He offered more money than the other guys. Most likely. Yeah, $333,000. What their original plan for this was... What was that? I'm sorry, what was that, Mel Barton? Their plan was to sell footage like this is actually Saddam Hussein having sex. Okay.

They weren't doing any kind of porn parody thing or anything. So he wasn't going to get the actual credits. No, no credits. That's awesome. No one even knows it's you. This guy, he got beat the shit kicked out of him. He could have just had sex for $300,000. The problem is he has a tattoo

on his ass cheek of Darth Vader. So it's like easily people would know. Everybody knows it's him. Regrettable know. Yeah, everybody knows it's a TV. Regrettable decisions. Yeah, definitely regrettable decisions. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh shit, what the fuck? It's a segment with me,

Holden McNeely. Okay. Today's segment is... Your intros are getting so good. Thank you. Yeah, I thought I was going to say that too. Really good, really good. The segment today is what's your budget? So you have $100,000. We're using Daisy's assistant. She's going to assist everyone.

Yeah, Daisy, you're key to this. Now, the table's so big. All right, so everyone's going to get their own county. And you have $100,000 for the year. What are you going to give to this county? Now, this county is a small county, only a few blocks. I mean, you have kind of the main things there.

You've got a capital building, a library, things like that. A couple blocks? It's a county. Oh, well, it's a couple hundred blocks. Daisy, how many blocks are in a county, so we can clarify here? It varies.

Standard county. By law. here? It varies. Standard and common. By law. I would say a couple hundred blocks. A couple hundred blocks. For $100,000 you can do whatever you want with it, but since there's so many here, we're going to do teams. So the round table, you're the

head and you have an assistant. My assistant will be Tanisha. I'm a woman, so I have to be an assistant? Yes. No, no, no. It's because you're black. Yeah, exactly. You're not tan enough.

Kevin and Nick, you're together. All right. Ben and fucking, I just blanked on. Saman. Saman, thank you. Sorry. I was thinking of Masan. You're the assistant.

Saman, it's because you're ethnic. Saman. That's right. I really enjoy the way... Well, you are the new black. I'm thoroughly enjoying the hierarchy of this certain... Jackie and Amber, you guys are together. And County of Ed, you're alone on this one. All right.

Sounds good. Can I hire the financial supervisor? Yes, you can. I didn't really think so. And Daisy will assist everybody, Can I hire the financial supervisor? Yes, you can. Daisy will assist everybody, but she will secretly be Ed's special assistant, so you really want to give him the upper hand. Marcus in his side, who's best? I'll start. We've got $100,000.

I'm going to go ahead and say $20,000 on a fucking douche load of weed in the center that's non-negotiable. Okay, give us the weed. Now, another 20 grand. Tell me if this is possible, Daisy. Giant wall around the county.

Like a massive... I'm not co-signing on that. I don't want the wall. It's to keep Ben away from you. Okay, put the wall up. That's not acceptable. 20 grand. So we got 40 grand.

Keep people out. Big ass load of weed in the middle. So we got parties. Everybody's coming over. load of weed in the middle So we got parties Everybody's coming over Can I say something about the wall? Yes Okay yes Alright so I think that is a great decision

Because that solves all your public safety issues Right Oh wow So you don't have to pay police officers So you're good No pay police officers You're not working for Stinky Eddie You're not working for Ugly Holden

It's a peaceful bunch of people Because $30,000 experimental mind control devices. Everybody's high. All right. Everybody's high, and we're feeding them radio waves to keep them hardworking, good individuals. That's going to be $30,000. So we're up to $30,000, $40,000, $70,000.

So you got $30,000 now. $30,000 left. Yeah. Holden, Tanisha, fucking our badass awesome motherfuckers party at the end of the year. Yes, every year. And that's a whole $30,000? Yeah, yeah. And that's the full title of the party.

Wow. Okay. All right. Great. That's our budget. That's our budget. How do we rank, Daisy? How are we doing?

I'd have to say that I don't think I would want to live or work for that county. What? What? Are you insane? Got a great name. Well, see, you don't have any schools for children so they'll probably be high with you guys. Right. Great.

I mean, I'm on their side right now. Kids are so happy. She's giving a professional opinion. And they'll probably try to scale the wall so you don't have a hospital there. We'll shoot them so it'll be okay. Because you can't because you don't have a hospital there. We'll shoot them. Because you can't because you don't have any police.

Yeah, you didn't spend any money on guns. Yeah, no guns. The place will run wild. We're fucked. Interesting. Kevin, what do you got for us? Am I the head or the assistant? You're the head and your assistant is Nick. What exactly does Nick do?

What are my obligations to my county? You need to assist to make sure he gets his county right. Give the input. If you have any ideas, put the first foot forward on them. What are you leaning towards right now, Kevin? What I'm leaning towards is I don't know if you're going to agree with this,

but fuck that. I run this town. It's going to be $95,000 that goes towards Bigfoot research. We have to find Bigfoot. Out of $100,000? Out of $100,000. And then $5,000 to the public school system. I care about the kids. All right.

I just want to live under Kevin. Daisy, what are we saying here, Daisy? Excellent choices. All right. Wow, it's a saying here, Daisy? Excellent choices. Alright! That's going to affect the scoring. It really is. Her professional opinion definitely does affect my professional opinion.

There you go. Can I piggyback that? Yeah, absolutely. A little site. What do you call it? An amendation? Amendation. I think we should spend a little money on tourism. I always wanted to construct a paintball range that's exactly like the complex in Bond, the N64 game.

Oh. Well, wait, isn't there $1,000 left over? Didn't you say $94,000 and $5,000? No, he said $95,000. Oh, okay. Are you willing to let go $1,000 from your Bigfoot research? Well, let me say, it's part of the research facility, and you have to wear a Bigfoot thing,

and so you're just killing other Bigfoots during the whole thing. I like it, man. We'll get the community excited. We're going to make them excited again about something. I'm someone to believe in. I am excited. I don't even live there, but I'm happy for it. All right, Saman and Ben.

And you know what? I'm going to go ahead and say, Ben's the assistant. Saman's running shit. Thank God. I can't deal with anything. Dude, I'm the assistant's assistant. I fucking... What county is it?

Wherever you want, whatever you want. Spider County, Utah. Spider County, Utah. People need some shit, Saman. Let me talk to my assistant here. What do we got? I grew up in Montgomery County, Utah. Spider County, Utah. People need some shit, Saman. Let me talk to my assistant here. What do we got? I grew up in Montgomery County. Good.

Which is far, far away from Deezus County. Good county. Love Montgomery County. Montgomery County. Yes. Into the microphone. Two problems we have with Montgomery County. It has the only hooters that you cannot show mid-body.

Disgusting. We'll get rid of that. That's not Montgomery County, PA, is it? No, it's Montgomery County, Maryland. Oh, that's a different one. Different county. One of the richest counties in the country. And no midrest. There you can only show mid-body. What's that? We got more navels.

There we go. That's it? Yeah. More navels at the Hooters. That's fun. We'll spend 50 bucks on that. And then we'll spend 990... You don't even use nine bucks for a pair of scissors. Yeah. That's why we're spending 50.

You never know what the markup prices are. And then after that, I want a roller coaster ride. I want some waterworks. And I also would just really enjoy a bunch of flowers and girls when I walk down the street to say, hey, how are you? Saman, what do we say to any of those? $90,000 for girls to be like, hey, how are you? That's fine. That's fine.

But the other problem we have is a couple of years ago in Montgomery County, the residents didn't like the idea of teaching sex education and how to use a condom. And no longer they do that in Montgomery County. So my issue as your assistant is the Hooters problem is a big problem. $50 to the Hooters problem, $90,000. You guys have $9,950 left. Anti-condom propaganda. Okay.

Anti-condom propaganda. I'm so sick of these girls. Oh, protect me. And it's like, hey, protect me. Daisy, how did they... How badly did they do? How did these two idiots do? That was good. Daisy, don't did they do? Yeah, how did these two idiots do? That was good.

Daisy, don't fuck us over. Well, I think there's going to be a lot of unplanned pregnancies with all the girls being so friendly. Right. To the boys. It worked for China. Yeah, and flowers. You know, there's going to be... Some people might be allergic to them.

Allergies. Doctors. You don't really have any doctors. Okay, all right, Captain Droopy. Everything is fine. Allergies. Doctors. You don't really have any doctors. Okay. All right, Captain Droopy. Everything is fine. Everything is fine in fucking USA. That's it.

We're moving on. Jackie and Amber. Jackie and Amber. County budget. All right. So we're thinking the county. So like, you know, Victoria's Secret's always giving away panties. Everybody loves Victoria's Secret.

Panties. We give a good like $10,000 towards panty giveaways. Amber's giving away panties. Everybody loves Victoria's Secret. Panties. We give a good like $10,000 towards panty giveaways. Amber's giving a thumbs up. Gender equality. I love the way this sounds. Gender equality. So it's all Lacey panties. Everyone has the same panties.

Everyone needs underwear. A lot of people can't afford underwear. And that's something they really need, right? You can have my panties. Oh, I can have yours? Thank you. I was talking to Jackie. Thank you.

A lot of mine have stains in them, you know what I mean? It's good. You gotta throw them away. You gotta get new ones. Yeah, exactly. Also... How'd them panties get stained? You know how they got stained.

It's like period blood and poop and stuff. You know. It's also when someone comes inside you, the cum drips out of you for 24 hours. All day. It's hard. All day, huh? I know. Tell me about that.

Also, I'm thinking we're going towards a science based education with the kids. Bounce houses and the roller coaster based on nothing but trouble. Nothing but trouble.

It's all physics. It's all gravity. We're going to have the best scientists coming out of our county. I mean, that's the thing is that, you know, Jackie and Amber started off making a budget for a county. And it turned into nothing but trouble. Yeah. Nothing but trouble county. That's the county we're in because the last portion of our allowance is going to be spent on guns and flamethrowers.

To keep them all in line, if they have a problem, you burn the panties right off them. You burn the bounce houses down. You can kill whoever you want. Alright, Daisy, weigh in for us. What do we got going on with Jackie and Amber? I think that was a fair and balanced approach to public budgeting.

Thank you. And I have no criticism. Wow. Thank you. Wow. There you go. That weighs in heavily. I like that. I really do.

All right. Tell me about it. Well, I think, Ed, before you get started, Daisy, what would you advise Ed to do before he starts giving his final decisions on budget? Think about property values. You're right. All right. Took the words right out of his mouth. There you go.

Ed, what are we doing? Ed was thinking about property values. I imagine my county is definitely in South Florida. First thing I'm going to do, I'm going to get a bunch of school buses and we're going to drive all the people out of the counties. All right? Get rid of all those people.

How are you going to lure them away? Just like tell them there's a big party outside of the county? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're taking over more Indian land. The casinos. We're taking back the casinos. I have a feeling Florida has taken over quite a few casinos already. That's a good way to get them out.

Imagine how excited you'd be if a bunch of people wrote up and was like, we're taking more land from the Indians. And then we give them the back of the casino. Yeah, this little area over here. My people have suffered enough indignation. I'm with you, Marcus. It was only funny because it was historically accurate. Alright, so once we get all the

people out of there, figure like, you know, just for buses and a bunch of trips, we'll spend like 20 grand on that. Alright? Good. Alright. Next thing I do, I'm freeing all the monkeys. Whoa! What do you want to live in? So wait, are you in a monkey heavy county?

We're all monkey and me and Daisy. How much money is going towards freeing the monkeys? Well, no, it's not really, that's cheap. You just go and do it yourself. Okay. And the rest of the 80 grand is monkey maintenance. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daisy, way in here as Ed's assistant.

What should he do and not do? Where is he at right now? He is on the right track. Yeah, because If you own a million monkeys, you've got to take care of these monkeys. Daisy is nodding her head furiously.

She's nodding her head yes furiously. This is good. I'm the king of monkey land. She's my queen. Did you say that? Daisy's your queen. Daisy gets to be the queen of monkey land. She's my queen. Did he say that? Daisy's your queen. Daisy gets to be the queen of monkey land.

This is ridiculous. All right. All right. I gotta say. Ridiculous. He's gonna win. This is incredible. You can't be

the king of monkey land. They're gonna rip your fucking face off and eat your nuts. If he lives in monkey county, he absolutely can. Ah, it's bullshit. All right.

Monkey county, Florida. Come on down. Come see the monkeys. absolutely can. That's bullshit. Monkey County, Florida. Come on down. Come see the monkeys. They can. It's $400. You spend the night. You hang out with a bunch of monkeys. You ever sleep next to a monkey?

Come try it down in Monkey County, Florida. Who voted for this? The monkeys. All right. My final judgment on this. Ed, as much as I love monkeys, and I hope that Monkey County works out. Well, you know, I tell you what. You give me a good number, I'll get you a discount on a bed and breakfast.

Are you kidding me? Monkey's making the omelets? Bing Bong is a phenomenal chef. Oh, the sheet's fucking messed up. Bing Bong and choo-choo-o choo choo mix the beds. Oh, please. Ed, if you could do a commercial, local commercial for your county. 20 second spot for your county.

Sunday, Sunday, Sunday. Is it a monkey truck or a fucking monster truck? Are you kidding me? Come on down to Monkeyville. Monkeyville? I thought it was Monkeyville. Monkeyville? Monkeyville's a neighborhood in the county. In the county, I know. Monkeyville, Monkeyton.

Monkeyville. This is the biggest affair in Monkeyville this Sunday. Come watch a monkey drive a Bigfoot truck. You can't combine them. You can't combine them. He got the Bigfoot truck. That is rock and roll. You give a monkey a guitar,

you start playing a ball, Marcus, what do you got? Who wins? You know what? As much as I love Monkeyville, I think the number one issue that is bearing down on this country right now is a lack of funding in cryptozoology.

Talk about it, man. Wow. Kevin wins? Kevin, take it. Of course, dude. For what? What do people need to know? You've got to find the answers, dude.

This is fucking bullshit. That's fine. All right. Well, that's the whole thing. Well, that's the roundtable. Jackie, Edward, thank you. Holden, congratulations, Kevin. Oh, thank you, man.

And, of course, we have Amber and Nick Vannerant. Daisy, thank you. Tanisha, thanks for being here. Saman. And Saman, you're there. You're right by me. I'm still here, man. Kevin, please take us out with a wonderful political speech that you're going to give to your devastated community that isn't having fun

because they have to fuck with condoms. I don't think you understand anything about the world. You see, the thing is, children, listen. Cryptozool think you understand anything about the world. You see, the thing is, children, listen. Cryptozoology is very important to the world. Don't give it up. Get out of my face, Kevin. Get out of my face, Kevin.

If y'all have questions, we're going to find answers. Good night. Hell yeah. Keep going, keep going, keep going. I mean, that was it. That's it. Cryptozoology. He's already cut the whole thing anyways.

It's done. Yeah, Marcus was done with this podcast 45 minutes ago. That's fine. Monkeyville opened for business Thursday through Friday. Thursday through Friday. You're lazy. I've got to get out of here. Oh, Saturday?

Exactly. Thursday through Friday. All right. We forget about it. That's fine.