The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 115: These Are The Good Times

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 115th episode of the Round Table: a woman discovers her dead husband is actually her father, a pygmy goat is raped, a miniature donkey is raped, and a radioactive pedophile is on the loose in Ireland, plus Julia Johns and The Burn writers Jesse Joyce and Benji Afalo in the Hut!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Why? I'm tired. Oh yeah, you don't feel it. No! Yay! gentlemen. Always civility. Why? Tired. Oh, yeah, you don't feel good. Alright, everybody, close your eyes. It's time for a guided meditation.

Oh, good. Alright, you are just the tip of a penis. A virgin man. Finally entering a virginal woman for the first time. She loves the Bible. She's into it, though. She's saying, put it in my butt, fucking fucker. And then he's like, do not curse in the Lord's world.

But then it goes in, and it's nice and warm. Now you're Bungo, the Jim Jong clown. What? I don't know. You're an upside-down clown. He's high. I'm trying to visualize what you're saying. If it was real, I could.

I'm going to say this is hard for me right now. How much weed did you smoke today, Holden? Plenty. Plenty of bowls. Now you're fucking smoking weed on the couch watching football. You're just describing your day. And God,

I love you. Amen. That was a really good guided meditation. Good job, Holden. Thank you, buddy. A lot of prepping there. Can we just move forward? Really powerful stuff.

Well, welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Who else is in the Roundtable of Gentlemen today? Jackie Zabrowski. Mmm, Red Bull Vodka. It's powering this podcast today. Hey, nice. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely.

And I apologize. That's how he starts every day when he wakes up. Hey, hey, it's Henry Zebrowski like the fucking... What? I was really funny this afternoon. All bad. Do your Kevin Barnett voice for us. Yeah.

Do your Kevin Barnett voice for us. Oh, yeah. My name is Kevin Barnett. I'm comedian for float. Stop it. If I shut my eyes, it's like Kevin's here. Oh, I love it. I love replacing him because it smells like cologne in this seat. Yeah, that's very nice.

All right, I'm Ben, and then we got Julia Johns. Thanks for being here, Julia, in the Jungle Hut. Thanks for having me. And we got this one fella. His name is Benji Afalo. Thanks for being here, Julia, in the Jungle Hut. Thanks for having me. And we've got this one fella. His name is Benji Afalo. Thanks for being here, Benji. Hello. Thank you for having me.

Yeah. Absolutely. Wow. And, of course, the very big dick, Jesse Joyce. Thanks for being here, Jesse. You're welcome. No problem. I love your throbbing dong.

All right. With us, as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got, buddy? A woman has spoken of the horror as she felt on discovering her late husband was, in fact, her father. That's where they get along so well.

After he's dead. That's great. Keep going. Oh, Valerie Spruill, 60, from Doylestown, Ohio. Spruill? Spruill. Ugh.

They hold the sponge close to the chest. Only made the horrifying discovery Ohio. Sprule? Sprule. That's what you're discussing? Only made the horrifying discovery through a DNA test after her husband, Percy, had died. Percy Sprule? That's not good. That's been a fucking cat? What is going on? Hello, I'm Percy Sprule.

I live under a bridge and I'll grant you nine wishes if I can fuck your daughter. That's a nice 12-inch long mustache, Percy. Thank you. Do they have any kids? They have three children and eight grandchildren. Oh my god, how many fucking retards? Well, I mean, it doesn't really

go that in-depth. I would. If I was reporting on this story, I would definitely count the retards. I wish you were a reporter of Strange Crime. They keep kicking you out of press conferences as you in the back going with a ham sandwich in your mouth going, man, I got ass crits. How many retards?

How many retards have fallen in here? Three retards. He's got fertile sperm. I love this guy. Did he know that she was his daughter or was it sort of a joke on both of their houses? Well, it's not known specifically because it only came out after she died.

She learned the truth... They're releasing his Tupac archives of stuff. He comes back as a hologram to haunt her. She learned the truth about her marriage from an uncle after Percy died and confirmed the relationship with a DNA test after finding his hairs on a brush in her room. And he was using her brush.

That's disgusting. His and her brush. That's disgusting. His and hers brushes. That's what I'm saying. Jesse, if you found out the lovely woman of your dreams happened to be your mother after she had passed, how would you feel about that? I don't want to be posed with questions right now. I don't know what the fuck you're setting me up for

for fucking bits at the moment. Jesse, do the mother is my girlfriend is my mother bit that you always do. It's a great bit. I would say fuck that uncle. Like, because he knew the whole time. The whole time. He was like, I'm not going to say anything. Like, why would I fucking ruin the good thing they have going on?

Creating trios of incestuous retard children. Like, why would we fuck that? I wonder if he did it hammered at the wake. Yeah, he's your fucking father, right? I've been holding that in for a long time. She just hit Uncle Jimmy out of it. You know they got pigs in a blanket in the other room. Do you think there was a moment where she was crying in his arms

about how she doesn't know her father, and he was just like, but you do. You have no idea. You know me. You know him very well. He came on you yesterday. The day before he died, he came on her? That's impressive. Young death.

He's like Tony Randall. That horrible death come that everyone gets. It's your one last one. You shit, you piss, and you cum. Everybody knows that. cum that everyone gets. It's your one last one. You shit, you piss, and you cum. Everybody knows that. The confusion began because she was

looked after by her grandparents from the time she was three months old. Her mother, Christine, was one of the night ladies, as she called them. Is that a hooker? Yes. Valerie's mother and father got together when she was just 15, and the number

of children they had is unclear, but she is aware of six brothers. She was cared for by her grandparents, and her mother visited, although Valerie thought she was only a family friend. Aged nine, she was devastated when she found out that Christine, who died in 1984, had been her mother. It also meant the man she thought was her father was, in fact, her grandfather. Wow, this really goes down the family line here. This is a big lie. Big lie. You see, again, the thing with the father's fuck and their daughter's thing is that you can make them the best girlfriend.

Yeah. You can raise them to be the best girlfriend, wife, just by putting it in there from the very beginning. You know they work. It's like what Holden's idol Woody Allen did. The heart wants what it wants. I'll tell you that right now. Sometimes the heart wants fucking odd pussy, my friend.

Take it from me! Holden, if you have a daughter, how are you going to groom her to make her the perfect lover for you? It's going to be creepy. I'd be like, um, yeah. can we turn her into a reptile? Am I like a scientist in this scenario? I don't know, whatever you want. Okay, yeah, I'd give her like a beak

and put chains all around her and probably, I don't know, I'd fucking try to stick my head in her pussy. I don't know what that means. That's a good way to train her to be a wife. Yeah, it's very romantic. Stick your head in her pussy, absolutely. Oh, God, I'm fucking sure. Jesse, what do you pussy? I don't know. That's a good thing. That's a good way to train her to be a wife. Yeah, it's very romantic. Stick your head in her pussy. Absolutely.

Oh, God. Jesse, what do you got? I don't know. You guys know about that story in Austria? Like, two years ago, there was that dude who was fucking his daughter.

Oh, you're talking about pretzels? That fucking guy? Yeah. Because I have this theory because, like, you never hear anything about Austria, ever.

Like, it just doesn't come up. But, like, once every hundred years, the craziest fuck ever comes out of there. You know what I mean? But that, to me, means that there is so much crazy going on in Austria underneath everything that it just goes until someone releases it. But it's like the only thing they export. It's like the world's greatest lunatic once every 50, 75 years.

Hitler and Joseph Fritzl. Yeah, and Schwarzenegger. Yeah, he was the Bo Jackson of daughter raping. He was like a switch hitter. Until he broke his hip. Out of the game, never the same. Well, this guy, Percy, who the woman says that... Percy Spruill.

Seems like a nice guy. He's the one who pukes every... Percy Spruill. Seems like a nice guy. Makes me want to puke every time I hear his name. I watched this disgusting documentary called Just Melvin, Just Evil. It's about this guy named Melvin Just who basically worked his way into this family of all little girls

and he just molested the shit out of all of them. One of the retarded ones. Well, this is the thing. So when those girls grew up until they started being women, he abandoned the family and found a new family that was filled with all little girls. And he had a daughter that was born.

It's a good game plan. Yeah, that's what you do. You just move it on. Because you can just make more victims. That's the best part about being a daughter raper. You just go make more for yourself. It's a very preferred Matthew McConaughey. But what he did, his daughter, he had a daughter named Ruthie,

who was born with no feet, no knee bones or hip bones. So her legs were just too, like, you know those chicken strings they used to eat? Too little pudding pops. Like chicken meat flaps. Like flappy meats. And she was very slow. And the mother kept talking about doing things like,

she's not retarded. She says she's retarded to make people feel bad for her. But she's just slow. And then it cuts to Ruthie talking about what Melvin just did to her. And she was just like,

he come in the night and he said, he give me quota if he could get a quota of it in, and he'd give me 50 cents. I'll translate. He said he'd give her a quarter. He'd give her a quarter to get half of it in.

He rubbed Bengay on it and gave me a dollar. He'd get the whole thing in. I told him he'd crush my legs, and he laughed. Is all that true? Yeah, totally true. Yeah, it's entirely true. Look up the documentary if you want to have a bad afternoon

called Just Melvin, Just Evil. She has a pedophile's dream child with no legs. No legs, cannot run. See, when you said quarter, I thought you said quota. No, quarter. You give her a quarter if you can get his head in it.

And her vagina. Why don't we get back to... I was just going to say, I disagree with your premise that if you're a daughter, you can just make more. It's at least five years before you can do... You know what I mean? A year and a half.

No, but if you're just a regular old fucking standard rapist, they're already out there. You can just go and rape them. You don't have to spend five years watering them and cultivating them. If you're going to be a proper daughter rapper, you've got to start at least 15 years old. You've got to start cranking out those daughters

early. It's a long game. I feel like the difference between someone who loves food and just goes to Chinese buffets, and a foodie, like a chef, who really takes care and knows how to make his steak. This guy took pride in the process and then when he got to fucking, he was like, I like crockpot food.

So there you go. When you take a bite, you really know where it came from. If you like stews, if you like soups, then you are closer to someone who likes raping his daughter. You're a child farmer. There's that chef that just slow cooked his wife. Yeah.

It was great. Over four days. He didn't eat her, though. He just threw her out. That's so disappointing. That is disappointing. Why put the time in? Just throw her in the garbage. How did he prep her?

What did he make her into? He put her in a big cauldron, boiled the shit out of her for four days, and then disposed of her remains. And he did this, like, what? Like 10 years ago or something? I don't know. With a pineapple in there or something. Hey, I'm making a Hawaiian. He admitted he did it and then he pleaded not guilty, which I didn't understand.

Yeah, they always do that. Maybe insanity reasons. He lawyered up. Next story. A deranged man stole, raped, and killed his neighbor's goat. A good more rape. Fantastic. Just a goat. That's true. It's not rape if it's a goat. neighbor's goat. A good more rape. It's just a goat. That's true.

It's not rape if it's a goat. It's practice. You start with a hardball and then you move on to the goat thing. It doesn't seem so bad. And he was high on bath salts. Oh, fun. I love bath salts. Well, everyone take a look at this man over on the monitor.

He's got pimples. He's got bad acne. Nice. There we go. Oh, he does. Holy Lord. Oof. Oh, and a bad haircut.

He looks like he was in 311. Chinstrap with pubes? Finger Eleven's another band. 311 was another sort of hard rock ska jam. You don't remember 311? Nah. They were like a ska rap jam band. Well, ember is the color of energy. Come on. Oh, yeah.

I know that song. I've always lived by the saying, never forget 311. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm having a bumper sticker on it. I can't believe someone with a chin beard like that would rape a goat. That's shocking. He isn't quite that ugly, though. You would think some gals would schlab his bobsuck

On his nuts I mean it's shocking he had to go with a goat Open wounds on his feet You get rid of the open wounds I mean he was in fucking mad pussy town He had a chin beard and a faux hawk That was bleach He got a ticket to fucking pussy villa

He was on the chin beard Women are more complicated It's not just about the physical appearance You have to have a conversation with him And when he was sitting at the bar And he was eating the can that he was drinking out of. Right, right, right.

And when they searched his home, they found a pornographic magazine lying near the Pygmy Goat. And a book entitled How to Rape a Goat. A farmer's fantasy. So he was looking at a porno that had like chicks in it

and shit, so he wasn't even coming to the goat, he was just using the goat like a fleshlight? It was a pygmy goat, so yeah. I'd imagine so. Does that make it better? At least it's better than him looking at a Fresh Direct catalog and pictures of meat cuts and stuff like that. That would have been worse.

I feel like normally too, they just say he fucked a goat. What makes like, makes this constitute as rape as opposed to any other... Anytime they have sex with an animal, they always call it rape. Always. Yeah, the goat was tied down. Yeah, put a gun to its head.

Sometimes a goat looks at you, though, and you know that goat wants it. Yeah, it's got a little tube top on and it's chachéing around like it's a fucking cock in a walk. You sounded annoyed when you said that. You're like, every time somebody has sex with an animal, they call it rape.

And I, for one, think that's ridiculous. You fuck one cat. You fuck one cat. You're cat fucker everybody, everywhere. Well, you know, I have a... You rule that, cat. Our next story actually does make that same argument. A Florida farmhand arrested for having sexual contact

with a miniature donkey. Oh, yeah. Explained to cops that the sunshine... A donkini? Yeah. A Florida farmhand arrested for having sexual contact with a miniature donkey. Oh, yeah. Explain to cops that the Sunshine State was, quote, backwards since its residents frown on zoophilia. Carlos Romero, 31, was collared yesterday and charged with misdemeanor sexual activity with an animal. Investigators report that a witness last month spotted Romero pictured in a mugshot on the right. It's a really good mugshot.

It's a beautiful smile. Nice, attractive young man. I can't believe this. You didn't need to fuck that donkey. I forget everything he just said he did. That's the sad thing. That dude needed to fuck that donkey. He really did.

It was a tiny donkey. It was just like a little girl. He's got such wide eyes filled with wonderment. I think he was just like excited, like he wanted to go down the trip fantastic, you know. I was listening about this story earlier. Did he say

trip fantastic? Trip the life fantastic. Oh, okay. Yeah. The guy who caught this guy fucking the donkey was in the same barn as him, and he was delivering a horse, like a baby horse. A horse was giving birth, and he was delivering the horse. It's the circle of life. And he looked over

and some guy was fucking a donkey. I thought he was delivering that guy a horse. Oh, was he just bringing him a horse? He was giving him a horse. He was fucking a donkey and then, hey, horse delivery here. And he opened up the door and he's like, you know what, I'm going to keep this horse and give me the donkey. Hey, Brian, look what I'm doing.

Look what I'm doing. Look what I'm doing. He's like, I'm fucking it like it's a lady. Well, in this man's admissions to the cops, he began by saying that he, quote, uses his fingers and saliva to clean the donkey's clitoris and check for wood shavings and debris. Hey, Julia, how do you clean your pussy check for wood shavings and debris. Hey, Julia, how do you clean your

pussy? Of wood shavings. How do you have wood shavings and why do you have wood shavings in your pussy and how do you clean it out? Every girl wants to know. She sits on a fire hydrant. Over a fire. You cook

them out. I think that's good. I thought he was fucking the goats and donkeys assholes, so it's kind of nice to know he was fucking their pussy. Yeah, that is nice. It's a pleasure, too. At least he's not gay. Yeah. That was Marcus's uncle who fucks the cows.

That was Marcus's uncle's statement. My great-great-uncle, yes. Your great-great-uncle. He says, boys, it ain't homosexuals, just friction. That's Marcus' uncle's statement. My great-great-uncle, yes. Your great-great-uncle. He says, boys, it ain't homosexuals, just friction. That's right. Well, this man continues on his reports. I hate your Texas

sayings. It's a weird state. Yes. It's a brutal place. But, quote, he stands behind the donkey, scratches her withers, and masturbates. donkey, scratches her withers, and masturbates. Scratches her withers?

Is that the pussy lips? Is it donkey clits? I didn't even know a donkey had a clit. Do they have orgasms? Definitely. A donkey doesn't have an orgasm. They're fingered by this guy, they do. You're actually supposed to cut off the donkey

clit so it doesn't get angry. I thought that was just in Arabia. That's very bizarre. What's up, Benji? I was wondering, does Bill Withers know anything about this? He's just so happy someone's paying attention to him that he's just like, whatever. That's what use me is actually about.

Yeah. Using a donkey's clitoris as a flashlight. That statement, it's not homosexual, it's just friction, is the only place where Texas and a prison in LA really coexist. They really combine over that statement. They really do. It's also both the name of

a techno dance song. Just friction. Just friction. Sounds like a good song. Well friction. Just friction. Sounds like a good song. Well, the man continues, he likes the way the fur feels on his testicles and that his penis may have come into contact

with the donkey's vagina by accident and his semen may have splattered inside the donkey by accident. He recalled... You busted a kid for eating a cookie. Did you have the donkey by accident. He recalled... You busted a kid for eating a cookie. Did you have the cookie? Maybe.

He's got chocolate all over his face. He's just a really big fan of the roller coaster scene in Pinocchio. I can see he's just trying to make a little donkey boy. Honestly, I feel like... You never know when it can fly. I feel like maybe the fur on the testicles thing, though, could be derived from something similar to my childhood and original sexuality. Humping stuffed animals.

Yeah. Humping those stuffed animals. Yeah, I used to do the same thing. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, I'd shove them down to my pants. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'll let you guys steal. They're doing like a moment that it hit me that that was fucked up. I'm just like Wait a second I'm fucking Humping the fucking This is weird Pound puppy actually I think it was

I think the two of them Suspected that this would Catch on around the room Like yeah I used to Like They're fucking talking Like we're talking about Like you guys used to

Watch the Smurfs When you were young Oh yeah Oh totally But it's about Fucking stuffed animals No we're Me and Holden are definitely used to that kind of thing where it's just me and him and everyone else just kind of,

we hope that everyone else will catch on, but when they don't, we're not surprised. It's like the circle jerk conversation. I was not in a circle jerk. That was Marcus and who else? Sounds like you, Holden. Who was it? It was me and...

Chris DiStefano. Yeah, DiStefano, yeah, yeah, yeah? It was me. DeStefano. Chris DeStefano. Yeah, DeStefano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was more an elliptical jerk. It wasn't an elliptical jerk. Holden, how often did you... I'm sorry, Benji. What were you going to say?

Do you think these guys who fuck all these miniature animals look at My Little Ponies like they're suicide girls? Yeah. What about the bronies? Oh, God. They are disgusting people. I've actually been watching a lot of brony videos lately. Yeah, death to...

Oh, God. I hate the word bron been watching a lot of brony videos lately. Yeah, death to brony. Oh, God. I hate the word brony. What is a brony video? Guys who are super into My Little Pony. Like older men who are obsessed with My Little Pony. And not the old My Little Pony, like the new My Little Pony. Yeah, yeah, the new one. And every one of them has that mustache.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Hitler's a bro, I was like rocking a killer staff. Yeah, when Twilight does something, you know that it's a story about redemption. Pinkie Pie. Say Pinkie Pie. Pinkie Pie. My favorite little pony is Pinkie Pie because she jumps and she dances. I love her.

I've got to get on a government watch list if you buy that many My Little Ponies after 50 and you have no kids and shit. Oh, yeah. That's a telltale sign that you're going to fuck a child. Not if you pay for my cash, bro. You think so? That's right. Yeah, no paper trail, man.

That's true. Somebody working at Toys R Us, and then she's like, this guy is just the best grandfather. He's so nice. He just goes outside, and they look at security cameras later of him just rubbing him on his dick.

Right. How many grandkids do you have? None. These are all for this sweet cock. Grandkids? No, all I need is My Little Pony. If you go on eBay, these guys will write up four-page

write-ups on the My Little Pony they're selling and why it's unique. The tag is discolored or one of the irises are a different color, so it's rare. This My Little Pony is worth thousands. People pay thousands for these. I gotta get into this business. We gotta start investing in My Little Ponies. I gotta say too,

I recommend, the video I recommend is there's a, like I wanna say press conference, but it's like a whatever, at Comic Con. Yeah, where they have a panel, a panel, and the panel is the teenage girls that do the voices for My Little Pony, and the audience is all creepy older men

asking them questions about what it's like to do, and getting them to do the voices and stuff. It is the most awkward 12 minutes. I'd rather my daughter do fucking porn. Dudes are going to be jerking off to her. At least it's on purpose. Well, I typed My Little Pony into eBay and this is the

first thing that came up. The starting bid is $195. The price, if you just want to buy it, is $250. It's a Fluttershy custom plush pony. You've got to come on it. This sweet little pony made completely by me

using my own custom pattern. Body made of soft yellow minky. Mane and tail is a soft pink minky What's the username? The username is Cinnamon Stitch Oh god fuck this guy Cinnamon Stitch

Is anyone else like hard after listening to that? I did like the description Cinnamon sounds like a gay Indian You had to do it in that sexy little girl voice Holden what was your favorite stuffed animal to come on? I mentioned earlier the pound puppy. I can't believe you. I loved my pound puppies.

I loved my pound puppies. And you were- I clearly loved my pound puppy. I don't understand why there's a delineation there. Very clear. So gross. A pound puppy and I had a bunch of droopy dogs dogs But I don't think I came on any of them I hate you

You can't come on a droopy dog He's so sad I need someone who at least looks like they're into it Plus Plus the store manager Was always hanging around He never bought them That's the other story about holding a store

He just slips them a fin And the guy just holding the story He never actually purchased them Yeah he just slips them a fin And the guy just turns His Turns the other cheek I think that weird Lobster looking boy Has been in the bathroom With a pound puppy

For like 30 minutes The droopy The noise coming from the other The droopy dog's like No more cum please No more cum please My eyes are popping out Like the wolf

And the baby Oh oh oh oh Lips dripping with the stuff I can't handle anymore please I was thinking Pound puppies are orphans So it sort of made sense Oh yeah My eyes are popping out like the wolf. Lips dripping with the stuff. I can't handle anymore. Pound puppies are orphans, so it sort of made sense. Oh, yeah. No one will miss them if they die.

No one loved them in the first place. I need another fatherless girlfriend. That's the best part. So if you want to know the most expensive My Little Pony item on eBay. Pinkie Pie. It's a lot of expensive My Little Pony item on eBay. Pinkie Pie. No, six. It's a lot of six My Little Ponies. $1,000. Woo!

Oh, my God. Oh, you know what? I'd rather you be buying bomb materials. You know, I'd rather you be, like, doing something very intense. And the guy says, yes, I know my buy it now price is high. That's because I don't want to part with these girls. But for the right price, I will. These are the originals?

Is that what it is? No, these are the newer ones. A new show. I was going to say, this is like our dad's baseball cards. You know what I mean? I should have got those when I was a kid. Can't you just get these at the store?

But they're selling them on eBay? I thought I saw that cum on them. Yeah, exactly. There's something with this dude. People who buy that know that that dude came on it or rubbed his fucking balls on it, and then they get it and they lick all over it, and then they cum on it. There's something sexual about that whole situation. That's so weird.

If they're new little ponies, why would you jack up the price of $1,000 to get it off a worse fucking storefront than goddamn Toys R Us? There are a lot of $1,000 to get it off a worse storefront than goddamn Toys R Us. There are a lot of $1,000 My Little Ponies. Those guys have to be so irritated that we're just speculating about it. You don't understand how it works! Quit talking about it!

If you fuck a little pony, please write in. Let us know how you do it. I really think that our country is broken, and this is one of the telltale signs of just how deeply broken we are as a people. Does anybody want to go into a tea party rant right now? Oh, and the most expensive My Little Pony, just singular, that's $1,000. It is a German pony called Meine Kleine Pony.

That is full of shit. Covered in shit. Is it like, yeah, it's all wrapped in leather? It's in the box. It's green. It's the roller skate pony. Yeah. Yeah, of course it is. Describe it.

It says, sorry, I can't remember. It's a green adult earth pony with blue eyes. Her hair is dark pink, and she has a strip of orange in her mane. Her symbol is a pink roller blade with purple laces and wheel guards, pink wheels, and yellow wings. It's like a penthouse letter. It sounds really, really hot.

Sounds very upset. A woman and a lady. Do you think there are people right now fucking what was very popular? The Beanie Babies. Yeah, oh yeah. Do you think the Beanie Babies are going to want to do that? There's a perfect size just for a penis. You can just cut a hole in it and you just keep it in your pants until they attach to your hard, hard penis.

Benji, what would you rather fuck, a little pony or a Beanie Baby? I guess you could wrap the Beanie Baby around your cock. No, you just cut it open in the scene. Care Bear. Thank you. That's true. I also love the Teddy Ruxpins because they can talk. But you only like it

Because you can stop them From talking When you put duct tape Over its mouth And they're really firm So you can fuck it really hard And not feel guilty You can handle it Teddy

You got this I always come In the cassette deposit Do you guys ever Do you remember the Popples They had like the pocket It was like made for Fucking

Oh man That's gross I do remember those I never got into the Popples You're a man. They're not holding. They're releasing a new line of Furbies, too. Are they?

Furbies are the worst. They're demons. They're very creepy, but now they're much smarter. I mean, obviously. You can't fuck a Furby, though. There's nothing to fuck. Furbies are amazing.

They can beat your dick. Yeah, they do eat your dick. Yeah. My grandmother got a Furby. She couldn't stop it from talking. There is no stopping it from talking. Yeah, she put it in the closet and just kept on talking.

It haunted her for an entire 18 months. It was awesome. I swear to God, I took the goddamn batteries out of my Furby and kept talking. Yeah, right. It is the Chucky doll of our generation. It's very weird. I took out the batteries and it's made to keep going for a little while after you take out the batteries. And it never fucking stopped.

And I threw it in a fucking garbage can after I hit it with a fucking hammer. And don't stop talking. Aren't Furbies not allowed in the Pentagon? Isn't that true? Because they record what you're saying and they don't record it until you're back. Nor are parrots. Very interesting. Well, let me ask you guys something. That is not true.

Or Muslims. That is a bigger one. That's definitely true. Or it's Furbies and Muslims, not along the Pentagon. Everybody knows it. All right, guys. Y'all ready for Pedophile Corner? Yay!

We didn't already do that? Yeah. No. Isn't that the first story? Now we're going to get explicit With some bizarre sexual We're actually going to bring in a small child Is this show just called Things We Come On

Is that what this is I think this episode is definitely called that now Yeah You want to listen to this episode where we talk about Pig semen for 30 minutes Marcus how do you decide Like you told some pedophile stories. How do you decide that those are not a part of Pedophile Corner?

Headline! Radioactive pedophile on the run! That's a real headline. A college principal who may be a danger to others after receiving intensive radioactive treatment is believed to be on the run in Ireland after failing to

appear in Britain on child pornography shows. He's like the Spider-Man of pedophiles. I was going to say, he wanted to become a superhero, and it just went horribly awry. He just became this insane pedophile. This is the best supervillain that was never in a comic book. This is amazing. In my head, he's

bright green as well, right? Yeah. He shoots common children's blood out of his wrists. That is true. When you're a superhero, like Spider-Man, he was always agile. Batman was always dark and cryptic. This guy, the radioactive thing, gave him that superpower. He loved to fuck kids, and now he's really the best of ever.

He can morph into an ice cream truck at any given time. A judge who issued an arrest warrant said, quote, this is not a joke. Please warn officers that when... He's radioactive. Please warn officers that when he is arrested, he might be radioactive.

That's amazing. And he can pass it on... He kills the children as he's molesting them as well. Yeah, he can pass it on. He also gives you cancer. And his penis is a bone. An actual bone. He can pass it on through urine, saliva,

and sweat. He's putting other pedophiles out of business because he's like radioactive. Goddamn radioactive man. I'll never touch that. All the mom and pop shop pedophiles are like, I can't. What? I've got my hands. Radioactive. Touching all that green pussy. He's already been here. mom and pop shop pedophile. I was like, I can't, what? I'm just, I've got my hands radioactive. Touching all that green pussy.

He's already been here. That's the thing. He can totally make these kids all so radioactive by fucking them, right? Yes. That makes him really cool and not just victimized and sad. That's true.

He gives them a special little gift. And he's in, and now he's in Ireland running free. Everything's green in Ireland. Man, there's so many sad's in Ireland, running free. Everything's green in Ireland. Man, there's so many sad stories in Ireland. I feel like every Irish movie is just the saddest movie ever. Are you just thinking about the wind that jigs the barley?

If you're a pedophile, go to Ireland. It's full of the little people. That's all it says in the world. Is Joyce, is that an Irish last name? It is indeed, yeah, yeah. Are you a sad people? Yeah, historically so. Historically, it's a tragic indeed, yeah, yeah. Are you a sad people? Yeah, historically so. Historically, it's a tragic people.

Especially when you have Toxic Avenger the Molester in your fucking country all the time. These are the good times, too. I know, I feel like Troma's fucking kicking themselves right now. Why did we not think of this? The main reason is because for hundreds of years, the Irish were oppressed by people who look exactly like

Henry Lord Baltimore. I'm Scottish. Yeah, yeah. Right. You do look particularly colonial right now. Yeah, he looks like a 19th century,

like he'd have one of those weird Sherlock Holmes pipes. Yeah. He should be like watching a battle on a hill eating like a big fucking leg. It's just because he doesn't have any chin. Once they're done fighting, kill the ones with no legs. Sounds good. Why, we're going into an expedition to the Congo.

I've heard they've got monkeys the size of people. Absolutely. They call them orang-o-tans. Orang-o-tans. I'd follow you anywhere, Henry. Oh, man. And this guy, his name is... Let's see here.

His last name is... Mr. Leopold. His name is Leopold. Oh, wow. Beautiful. They don't list his first name. They just say Mr. Leopold. His name is Leopold. Oh, wow. Beautiful. They don't list his first name. They just say Mr. Leopold. Do they spell out Mr.?

Because maybe that's his first name. No, they don't. It's Meister. Meister Leopold. The radioactive fucking molester. God damn. He's a nice guy, though. Going through this into more pedophile shit,

the Jerry Sandusky thing, he's now in charge with the porn, with selling children. Yeah, he was like their pet. Why did you not hear about that? Yeah, he gave them to other people. Do they have the list of other people who have taken the kids? I don't know, but you know they're all fucking shaking in their boots. As they should be. I mean, that's the one thing.

When you're a nervous pedophile, the one thing you just got to do is just get in there, just calm down. Sleep with kids. You know, sleep with some kids. Get your head straight. You know, don't panic. Is he just going to keep doing fucked up shit and then, like, the trial just lasts for the rest of his life? Yeah, just new crimes so the trial keeps happening. At least he can go to the court every now and again and, like, relax, you know.

Wait, so he sold the kids to other men? Yeah. He was in charge of the entire sex ring. Wow! Which is going to take down at least half of the pedophiles in Pennsylvania, I would assume. They would take chartered flights and they would bring kids along on

the flights and fuck them. Why didn't the kids fly? Instead of hot women, it's little scared boys. I don't understand. Why didn't the kids say anything? I don't know. There was a dick in their mouth. They had a cock in their mouth.

What are you supposed to say? Now, that's what pedophiles do. They always threaten the kids' families. If you tell, I'm going to kill your mother. You're a little kid. I'd say, kill my mother. Get that dick out of my ass. You're a bad child.

You'd be a bad girl right now. I also think that, like, what are you going to do? The head of the Penn State football program and the most beloved coach of all time, you're a little kid, and they're like, they're tag team and raping me, and this huge system, and they're going to be like, get out of here, kid. Quit walking around

all slutty. Yeah, probably told me it was just part of practice. It's usually the kid's fault. It's a tackling drill. It's always the kid's fault. It's never the kid's fault. Eddie and I were on Mushrooms last night, and we were discussing how pedophiles meet.

How does that occur to you? Yeah, like, how do they get together and be like, hey, you know, I got some kids to sell. It's all magazines, I think. It's the deep web. It's the Tor website. Now, Jerry Sandusky doesn't know how to fucking use the tour web I mean obviously

He did something right He was selling kids for He's a natural businessman There's like a gay dar There's like a pedophile dar You know like You hang like one of those Spinny hats on the front handle of your house.

On the doorknob of your house. So that you know. It's like the Underground Railroad. It's just like the Underground Railroad. There's nine people in this room and one of them mentioned that he used to fuck stuffed animals and one other person was like, fuck yes, me too.

That is all it requires. That's all you gotta do. Just a room with ten people and you just go, you know what, I fuck kids. And everybody else would be like, what the fuck's the matter? But one guy's like, yeah! Jinx. Alright, next story. Out of Wisconsin,

two troubled 13-year-old boys from Sheboygan are accused of murdering the 78-year-old great-grandmother of one of the suspects using a hatchet and hammer. That's great. Before ransacking her house of valuables. The teens, identified as Antonio Barbeau and Nathan Pape, were arrested and charged as adults of first-degree intentional homicide for allegedly killing Barbara Olson, whose body...

She sounds like a dead old woman. Yeah, she does. ...whose body was found in a pool of blood at her home on Wednesday. You see the name Barbara Olson on a tombstone, you're like, she was never alive. She was always on a tombstone. How did they say why?

To get money. A friend, according to a criminal complaint, told police that on Monday, his friend turned accomplice told him that they would go to the home of his great grandmother, kill her, and get some money. Everybody take a look at these two little assholes. How much money did you buy?

They got Bieber-like looks. I feel like this should be the plot of The Good Son 2. take a look at these two little assholes. How much money did you buy? They got Bieber-like looks. Bieber fever. I feel like this should be the plot to The Good Son 2. With Justin Bieber. It does make them look more masculine, the fact that they murdered an old lady with a hatchet, though. I wouldn't think that they would be able to do it. It's good practice, I'll tell you that much.

The cop knew it was them because they're size 6 sneaker footprint and blood. Size 6 sketchers here. By the way, remember my international point about Austria? That is Wisconsin if you localize it to the U.S. You don't hear anything about Wisconsin except every fucking 20 years it's the craziest motherfucker. They have more serial killers that come from Wisconsin than any other state. And the most batshit ones. Like, the fucking soup-out-of-your-head guy and the fucking furniture-out-of-your-bones guy. Remember that gross couple that get fucking in parking lots?

Yeah. In Wisconsin? Everyone does that in Wisconsin. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's summer, man. They were just excited they weren't hanging out in the snow all the time. Absolutely. They're fucking in the snow, too. I think that's why they all come from there, too. It's that crazy They were just excited They weren't hanging out In the snow all the time Absolutely They're fucking in the snow too I think that's why

They all come from there too It's that crazy winter You know It's that fucking Insane long winter And all you do Is sit in bars And drink beer

Or Plot how to kill Your great grandmother Or figure out What else to do With a human eyeball Other than see with it You know

It's like I had one of the most Confusing conversations I was on the road In Wisconsin once And I was talking to this dude And somehow the topic Of like virginity Like losing it Came up And the most confusing conversations. I was on the road in Wisconsin once and I was talking to this dude and somehow the topic of virginity like losing it came up and the guy told his story.

He was like, oh yeah, so we drove out onto the lake when we fucked in the middle of the lake. I thought it was a disaster story. I was like, oh my god, you drove your car into the lake? I couldn't wrap my fucking head around what they were talking. It literally took him 20 minutes to explain to me that no, no, you can drive vehicles

into the middle of a lake because it's fucking frozen solid. You can have a truck on it. That's fucking weird. But to them, that doesn't sound weird to say I drove my truck into a lake. It is a great place to drink. I'm from Wisconsin. And when it's winter time, it's all land.

There's no more water. Everything is frozen. You can get hammered anywhere you want... It's all land. Everything is... There's no more water. Everything is frozen. You can get hammered anywhere you want. It's really wonderful. It's too scary to fucking get on a frozen lake. Dude, it's so, so thick. I saw little women. You can fall through. Well, you can, but they're not little women in Wisconsin so they can't.

They are massive. Yeah! Good setup for you. Thank you. Well, this kid, Pape, he armed himself with a hammer while Barbeau got a hatchet. And Pape's mother gave the boys a ride to the woman's home. Upon arrival, the teens entered the 78-year-old's home through an unlocked door. Don't murder her, boys. Whatever, mom.

Fucking let me do what I want to do, mom. Just scare her for a little bit. You don't have to murder her. When Olsen warned Barbeau that she's going to call his mother, the complaint states that the 13-year-old struck his great-grandmother in the head with the blunt end of the hatchet, knocking the woman to the ground. The teen then delivered several more blows as she tried to cover her head, groaning and telling him to stop.

Pape then hit the elderly woman, sprawled on the ground twice with the hammer, and Barbo used the sharp end of his weapon to strike his great-grandma in the head, driving the blade into her skull with such force that it took both of them to pull it out. I will say, old people have weaker bones and weaker skin. A buddy of mine used to work in a retirement home, and he was saying this elderly lady, she stood up, right?

And then her skin got snagged on a piece of medical equipment next to her. She didn't realize she was snagged until it went all the way down her arm. And they literally glued it back together like that movie that I can't remember when the dude's skin fell off and they just glued it back on. So, you know, they're very fragile. That's the whole thing. You know what? She probably had a foot in the grave already. Really, it was just target practice.

Well, once the teens realized Olsen was dead, they attempted to drag her body to the car in the garage, leaving a trail of blood through the house. After failing to load Olsen into the vehicle... Typical Justin Bieber fan. Yeah, they dumped her into the garage. The perpetrators then hopped into the slain woman's car and sped off. They eventually dumped the vehicle

in a parking lot of a local bowling alley and walked to a nearby eatery where they shared a pizza. They jumped into the elderly lady's Mercury Sable. You know, that's what it was. Definitely a sable. What money did they get from her? They got some jewelry and it doesn't

specify how much money they got. Why didn't they just take it from her? They got some jewelry, and it doesn't specify how much money they got. Why didn't they just take it from her? She wouldn't care. Grandmothers are just like, have whatever you want in my house. That's the whole point of them being old. Yeah, you can just tie her up and then tell her later that it didn't happen. You could just ask for it, Henry. It occurred to me that because they're so young, it sounds like it took them a while to kill her.

So getting killed by a full-grown man would be less painful than two 12-year-olds. Oh, yeah. It sounds like it took him a while to kill her. Getting killed by a full-grown man would be less painful than two 12-year-olds. Oh, yeah. It sounds like it took forever. You've got to hit an old lady in the head with a hammer six times, but she's like, stop it. Stop it. We just talked about that on the last podcast. You get ten hits to the head.

If you can't kill him after that, you're done. It's a no-kill. You get a zero-kill. Once you hit someone with a hammer once, you either have to be like, oh my god, I'm so sorry, or kill him. Yeah, that's true. There's only two options. Or fuck him. It's a social contract we all sign. Piñatas are there like

AAA and they weren't ready for a person. So that, and that's, you know, they said she tried to cover her head The human head Is very hard to break open But not at 78 Osteoporosis

Yeah exactly Do you get it in your skull? Everywhere I thought you get it In your knees Everywhere Anywhere there's a bone Your elbows

Once they go through menopause They're useless Yeah I've heard that about women Get rid of them All women Can't get wet anymore Put them on a barge and send them to the Arctic. Let them live with the fucking polar bears.

Learn how to make blankets. You're out of here, lady. It's the worst sweatshop of all time. I just read a whole article about the reason why, and it's so women can stay alive to help with the children. Otherwise, because it had the funniest line in this article. It was like, women staying alive after menopause is nature's great mystery. It was like really intellectual, but it's pretty much calling women useless.

But then it said, because killer whales apparently stay alive really long after menopause, but it's to help the children stay alive. So it's dangerous when a girl is sexually active, when her organs all work, to shut it down so they can live longer? Well, no. Once you can't reproduce anymore, technically you're of no use on Earth. Oh, okay. Evolutionarily speaking. Also, whales have periods? And how much fucking blood are we talking about?

Too much. Definitely a lot. All those tiny fish that follow him around must hate that. Or love it, depending on what kind of fish they are. Just rubbing their faces. It's actually really good caviar. It's the size of volleyballs. You're talking about the clots?

Yeah, whale clots. Gentlemen, I don't mean to interject, but whales are mammals. They give birth to live young. They would not lay eggs. That really just blew your mind? Hey, Murray, can you stick a dolphin in my pussy? I'm bleeding again. All right, Becky.

That's fine. I happen to have a dolphin right here. One story. A naked man found watering in a forest in Germany was actually a monk who had mistakenly nibbled on some hallucinogenic berries. Woo! Fucking awesome.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sounds like he was accidentally like a bear or something. Sounds like he was accidentally Mick Jagger. Eating berries. You're a human. You're trying to be Nick Nolte. Go to the store accidentally Mick Jagger. Eating berries. You're a human. You're going to be Nick Nolte. Go to the store, Nolte. I mean, it wasn't really a mistake.

I ate all those berries. Turns out berries don't grow under cow shit. Hey, can somebody tell me how I got to Germany? That'd be great if you could fill me in. And now it's time for a segment From Holden McNeely Aw spooky Thunderclap Help me

Chris It's not funny Chris Where are you I'm right behind you Chris I love you Me too let's get married What are you guys doing I'm right behind you. Chris, I love you. Me too. Let's get married.

What are you guys doing? Which is also very scary. So yeah, marriage is a dead end. Man, I'm so sick of your anti-marriage campaign. Why? It's wrong and stupid. Are you getting married, Jackie? No, every time Henry hears about someone getting married or hears the word

marry or hears the word wife or husband, Henry flips out and he's just like, marriage is a fucking waste of time. Everybody's going to be alone. You have to say it with a mouth full of food. You know what? If you... Henry had no chin. I thought that was a great impression.

You're being a bitch today. You're having a bitch attitude. I am not. No, you guys are doing great. Henry, being a bitch today. You're having a bitch attitude. I am not. No, you guys are doing great. What the sister showdown? All right. Okay. So we're going to have the funnest, scariest haunted house in New York this year.

We all make a room for it. I'll start. My room, of course, people have to sign up months ahead of time so we know, will kidnap every one of their individual mothers. And we put them in the room. When they walk in the room, we lock them in with their mom for like 15, maybe a half an hour,

something like that. And as much as they ask, as much as they want, the mom will never fuck them. She'll never suck them and fuck them. And then they have to scream and weep. Holden loves his mom. Because that comes out of nowhere.

That's terrifying. Holden wants to fuck his mother. That's the ongoing truth of the show. I don't know. I would say um... Oh! You have to get married and find out Jackie's your father.

I got mine. I'll jump after you. I'm going to take a bunch of monkeys and I'm going to put them in cages. It's a big monkey thing going on for me. You're on a tear. I'm on a tear and so are these monkeys. I'm going to give them...

I'm just loading these guys up with coke. I'm putting them in the cages. That's the last thing a monkey needs. And then I'm taking a key to every monkey cage and I'm putting it in a different monkey cage. I'm going to let them figure it out. I don't think that they will. You know all these facts. We're going to have to have them sign a lot of contracts.

There's a lot of paperwork. No, no, no. You just put a sign up out front of the door. It's like, this is being taped for television And it'll be fine And then you put them through And you never know if the monkey's gonna get out And rip your fucking lips off Okay, I'm gonna go ahead and give that

Is the spookometer That's the spookometer I'm gonna give it Because monkeys are stupid And they're not gonna be able to figure it out. They'll figure it out. That's going to be hilarious. They're not like fucking velociraptors.

They're fucking going to be stuck in those cages for hours. I think I got it. So what we do is that you have a room, or they walk in the room. It's totally pitch black, and they kind of sit there for a couple of minutes. What's going on? A gas made out of pure Demerol, the painkiller, comes in, right? Knocks them out. They wake up. You put five people on time the painkiller, comes in, right? Knocks him out. They wake up. You put five people on time. They wake up

tied to chairs, right? A man with big, thick glasses and a plaid shirt is bumbling around with a wrench and a knife. He's going like, singing along to some old tune on the radio.

And you see another person who's a stage person in a chair next to them. Like in the middle. It wasn't in the original group. And he just walks up and starts wailing on them with the wrench. Just like, oh, having fun. Loving, loving it. Loving it. And he kills that man.

Like a volunteer. We're going to kill a man. We're going to kill a man every time. Every group that goes in the room. Yeah. So 40 to 50 men. Yes. It's all signed contracts.

Yeah. Suicide by a haunted house. Yeah. And then you hit them with the Demerol again, and then you pop them back out, and they're just back in the room normal, and they're allowed to leave. I think that's great. You watch the man get murdered. How are we doing on Spook-O-Meter?

It's pretty scary. Pretty scary. Pretty scary. Spookier than the monkey cage, I think. Ben, you got something? I'm just gonna go with Ed's room when he was growing up. That's it. It's terrifying. And occasionally a woman will come in

and hit you in the head with a phone, which really happens. I have the Playboy channel, though. What? That changes it. But have the Playboy channel, though. Oh, well. Okay, okay. That changes it. But when your mother finds you watching. But Ed is still in that room at the time. Exactly.

And when your mother finds you watching that. I don't watch the Playboy channel, and I do masturbate a lot. I'm staring right in your eyes. Right, right, right, right, right. There you go. And Mama Kathleen comes in and hits you in the head with a phone every once in a while. And you never stop masturbating. So you have to be out of the room while that happens.

Alright, who's next? Who's got one? Jackie? Well, I hate old people. I think that old people should die at the age of around 50. And I'd say if you're stuck in a room with a bunch of old people, especially if they're all hyped up sexually, they're playing bingo, they're having dancing lessons, they're fucking, and it's all around you and you can never get out.

That is pretty scary. And you can never leave. You can never leave because you're just going to become old the way they are. An old person orgy room. They love their lives. Yeah, but then people are going to die, and then there's just going to become old the way they are. An old person orgy room. They love their lives. Yeah, but then people are going to die, and then there's going to be dead people in the room. The older you get, though, the happier you are with the room. Yeah, you just described the circle of polka.

Yeah, but then there's also people that you're terrifying at the same time. So when you're old, you're having a great time. When you're young, it's terrifying. And you have to grow up through it. Yeah, but your time just gets better and better as you go. You get used to it, and you probably start getting to it. Yeah, but there's a bunch of fucking dead people in the room that you have to grow up through it. Yeah, but your time just gets better and better as you go. You get used to it, and you probably start getting to it. Yeah, but there's a bunch of fucking dead people in the room that you have to live with. This is the last room that they go through in the haunted house, too, obviously.

Yeah, and they never get out. That's more of a prison than a room in a haunted... Yes! Pretty scary. So it's like the monkey room, then. It's scary. It's on par with the monkey room. You know what would make the monkey room better?

Okay, yeah, yeah, what is it? No, you give all the monkeys guns with blanks in it. Redo the spookometer. No, no. You do it like a firing squad. One of them has a real bullet. One of them has a real bullet. Which is true, yeah. One of the symbols.

Alright, well the monkey... That's unfair though. I shouldn't be allowed to just come. Yeah, mine sucked. One of the old people were all mean. Covered in glass. They were mean old people. Our top two rooms right now, Ben's room

and Eddie's room. Which are actually both Eddie's room. Not the old people. And then I win. I win. I would say no I would say you're Alright Jesse what do you got

Well Have any of you actually Ever worked at a haunted house No Yeah I put one together once Yeah And

What were you gonna say I worked at one of the creepiest ones I did one of the Christian ones Which is all like DWI Oh you did Hell House Nice I loved the Hell House. Okay, anyway, continue. No, no.

So I can tell you what will not be in there, because I had to do this. This is a real story. Like, a couple years ago, I volunteered, and I was dressed as a psychotic clown. Cool. And they put me in a room with, like, a dead hooker and a cleaver. We're weird as fuck. We're gonna have

a psychotic clown dead hooker Halloween party. Well, of course we are. We are? We are? Wait a second. I wouldn't assume that you would do that. That was a very overzealous overreaction on your part to go like,

that's unbelievable. I bet you don't know this about me. I already knew that. I knew that about you. You had me at Pound Puppy. I knew that about you You had me at Pound Puppy Anyway

So I was stuck in this room It was about the size of this room It was very tiny Like a little shanty And the only light that was in there Was a strobe light And I had to be there for five hours And I'll tell you from experience

That at the five hour mark Went the strobe light And you end up going Did I kill this hooker? that at the five-hour mark, with the strobe light, you end up going, did I kill this hooker? It's really off-putting. Am I a clown? Was I a clown? And it makes the kids who come into the room then go like,

oh, this is a weird sort of a setup. That clown crying in the corner seems to be remorseful for murdering a hooker. It's very complicated. So I feel like the spin to throw on this Is that the actual goer Has to be the psychotic clown for five hours In that room Alright well if I do have to actually come up with a room Then since we're doing the childhood room thing

I would go with Holden's room But it would be the goer The customer that has to wear a costume And it would be Yeah yeah exactly Don't rub me on your dick Big blizzard man the customer that has to wear a costume. Like a big pound puppy. Yeah, exactly. Don't rub me on your dick, big blizzard man.

I would love to see Holden try to shove a man-sized pound puppy down his pants. That would be amazing. 11-year-old Holden has the spook on him. That's horrifying. Was the girl at any time scared? Did you look at her at some point during this five hours and be like, I am going a little crazy?

Oh, no, it was not a real person. Oh, that's even more scary, though. That's even more scary. Yeah, I was alone in a room with a strobe light dressed like a clown. I was thinking there might be some conversation. No, no, no. It was just me, and every time there was no one around,

I would just put both hands over my eyes so that I couldn't see the fucking... And how long ago? You said this was a couple of years ago? Yeah, yeah. Jesus. It wasn't a haunted house. It was Guantanamo Bay. He is a known terrorist.

Jesse Joyce. Wow, that is absolute torture. That's really scary. And you volunteered? You didn't even get paid for this? No, it was like a charity thing. Like, I kind of had to do it. Well, no, like the haunted house, all the money went to a charity.

That's kind of all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Julia, what do you got? That sounds awful. All right, I'm going to get political. So my room, it's going to have... So Republicans, I mean, there's some good Republicans, but, okay, the shitty Republicans, they have to go in and they sit

down and their eyes are open and they have to... They're like... And they're watching abortions. Like Clockwork Orange. And they just watch abortion after abortion after abortion. And there's...

You're like Saul. That's what you're just saying. And then there's that'll turn them yeah they're just gonna be relieved you're like that's what you're just saying it's not oh you're just and then there's somebody with uh thumbtacks just poking at their dicks but then if you're just kidding but if you're if you're pro weird choice you go in a different room where it's just full it's like four feet of skittles and you're just swimming and you get to fuck everyone and not worry about how many kids you want. Yeah, pro-choice is you go watch a video of people being woken up by their kids screaming in the night and taking them to school and raising these kids and how fucking horrible that is. No, because they'll have all the abortions they want, and they're just swimming in Skittles.

This is a good room. We'll just make the horror thing like the room of you with a microphone saying that exact thing. Marcus, scarameter? I love it, Julia. I'm just kidding. Spookometer? Marcus,

give her a three! That was a cartoonish call. You win it, Julia. Benji, what do we got? I imagine watching a loved one getting raped is probably the worst thing. Absolutely. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

You're getting real. No, I mean, that's true. I mean, we've been pretty real so far. The thing is, you've got to love somebody first, though. That's what's hard, and my heart is so dark and gray. So, yeah, you have to watch someone you love get raped, whether it be a sister, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, depending on what you do. Henry, would you be sad?

Henry, would you watch her? Henry, how would you feel if I kind of liked it like in Straw Dogs? I don't think the last two of you understood the premise. We're not setting up a buzzkill room. This is a fucking haunted house. I would be upset if you got raped. Thanks, Henry. The loved one's getting raped.

He loves me. The loved one's getting raped and gangbanged a lot. This doesn't make any sense. Who's ganganged a lot. This doesn't make any sense. Who's gangbanging her? Who's the nanny bear? Circus workers, of course. Do not bring carnies into this and do not besmirch the good name of carnies in this room. Please, sir.

Carnies? What did that happen? Carnies are foul. They're the foulest humans on earth. They're great. Marcus just doesn't want him to offend our fan base. We're largely carny based. Okay, Raiders fans.

We're always in the car. Raiders fans. Yeah, Raiders fans. Raiders fans. Raiders fans really gangbanging a loved one. I don't understand that. But the key is this. It gets kind of seven.

You can stop it, but everybody kind of dies. So eventually you have to wait until that moment where your loved one's getting railed and is saying, just kill me. I can't do this anymore. Benji, I like the idea, but can I just... I'm sorry. And then when you decide to kill everybody, confetti and balloons fall, and it's

all really fun. It's like the game. It's like the game. Like the end of the game where it's like a birthday party. Birthday surprise! You win! Can I make one change? They're crying, kind of clapping.

I wish it didn't have to be actually raped for this game. I feel like it's scarier if the person that you love is enjoying getting fucked by a Raiders fan. If it's not rape at all. If they're super into those disgusting mutant people. So are Raiders fans bad?

They're monsters. No, they're Mexican. They're good. They're hardworking folks. You should have just said an enchilada lover. I would have understood it better. Are you talking about Henry? The listener can't see this, but every time we said Raiders fan, we used finger quotes. What we were really trying to say is Mexican.

Alright, what are we doing? Spookometer? And who's the spookiest, Marcus? You know, you really gave me a lot of conflicting feelings on that one. Because I like the balloons. What's the noise? Ah! Oh, that's a double noise, though.

Spooky double noise. So it is still between the three of you. All right. Benji, Ben, and Ed. Henry lost. I did. I didn't have what one would call a lot of mental fuel this afternoon. All right, I'll tell you what.

To break the tie, each one of them has to name a scary thing that will pop out at the customer at some point in the haunted house. Lightning round. Real quick. Ed. Monkey cum. Okay, monkey cum. You're big on monkeys lately. Big on it. Ben. Ed's dead. Okay, and Benji. I'd say a

pretty mature iguana. Benji wins! Benji wins! Benji wins! Alright, that's the roundtable. Thank you so much, Jesse, for being here. Thanks for having me, guys. Hell yeah. Julia, Benji, thanks, buddy.

All right, guys, that's for Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson. Ed, can you give us a holler or a hoot? Hoot-caw! Ha! There we go. Hold him immediately, Henry Zabrowski. As he's got the blue... It's good to see you, Kevin.

All right, guys, we'll talk... Kevin, I miss you. We's good to see you, Kevin. Good job, buddy. All right, guys, we'll talk. We'll talk to you soon.