The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 116: Mule Days

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 116th episode of the Round Table: a KKK chapter in North Carolina is barred from marching in the Mule Days Parade, a man shoots his neighbor for psychically raping his wife, and the Round Table creates a whole slew of new holidays, plus Alex Moore and Matt McCarthy join the Round.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh boy, and I'm glad I'm not on prayer tonight, Ben. Uh civility. Oh, boy, and I'm glad I'm not on prayer tonight, Ben. Uh-oh. Are we good to go? Yeah. Dear Beelzebub, thank you for having boobs

and thank you for rejecting Kevin Barnett when he attempted to have sex with Tanisha, who was on a show a couple of weeks ago. He reached out to her on Facebook and Tanisha totally shot him down. And I want to thank you for that, Lord. I want to thank you so much for remembering. I still got a lot of friends, though.

You have a lot of friends, Kevin, but that is fine. Tanisha is not. Well, no, Tanisha is one of them, which is kind of sad because she's so attractive and you wanted to have sex with her. The problem is you just chose the wrong one because most people would probably give you a vagina to put your dick into. Absolutely. Anyway, Lord, thank you for making Kevin so lonely and so miserable, and thank you for making

him cum in his pants and his socks and his Kleenex, and thank you for never having a woman touch him. Amen. Amen. Amen. That's nice. That was a good prayer, I thought. I didn't really get a good response, but I felt positive about it. You know, when Kevin never has sex with a woman. Okay, who's here? didn't really get a good response, but I felt positive about it. You know when Kevin never had sex with a woman. Okay, who's here?

Didn't you get shot down too, though? No, no. Jack Zabrowski. Banana Jackery. Banana Jackery. That's Matt McCarthy. I'm just going to break the rule. Matt McCarthy, everybody.

It's Matt McCarthy. Banana Jackery. I love it. Finally break the rule. Matt McCarthy, everybody. It's Matt McCarthy! Banana Jackery! Love it! Finally someone more annoying than Holden. Ed Larson. Dookie, dookie, dookie, dookie, piss! It's Holden McHenry. I just completely have to

take that back. It's finally someone almost as annoying as Holden. Kevin Barnett. Alright, I'm Ben, and then we've got Alex here as well. Thanks for being here, Alex. I'm sweaty, stinky, and feeling fine. Oh, wow! He's feeling fine!

We have someone just as sweaty, stinky as Eddie, just annoying as Holden. Everyone's canceling themselves out here. It's just me, Jackie, Kevin, and Marcus today. Wow, I love it! Love it! Anyway, Marcus, what's some news, buddy? A Ku Klux Klan leader from North Carolina has been convicted on weapons and explosive charges

related to a plot to blow up his county sheriff. Prosecutors said the 49-year-old Klansman named Robert Barefoot Jr. wanted to kill... Barefoot. Wanted to kill Johnston County Sheriff Steve Bezell, whom he blamed for the failure of his nightclub, the Enchanted Barn. The Enchanted Barn?

There's more. Barefoot also blamed Bazell for the Klan not being permitted to march in the town's annual Mule Days Parade. Fuck them! Where is this in North Carolina? This is... Delbysville or something like that. It sounds like... I'm sure it sounds like that. Yeah, something like that. It's just general

North Carolina. Yeah, they just don't even go to the trouble of telling you what town. Just says Johnson County. My question is is it Barefoot B-A-R-E or B-E-A-R? B-A-R-E or B-E-A-R? B-A-R-E. Makes a lot more sense.

Bobby Barefoot. I mean, if the Klan can't walk and march in the Mules Day Parade, who can? I mean, who's the Mules Day Parade? Yeah, what's next? They got horses marching in the thing? What's going on? It's madness. I've never heard. What is Mules Day all about?

I've never heard of such a holiday. You know what? Ten years ago, I'd have been like, fuck this guy, let's shoot him. But the Klan... So weak. At the risk of saying something horrible, is on the rise,

and they're doing better for themselves these days. Sir, you're happy that this guy is picking them up. They just adopted a highway. They tried to, and they were rejected. No, they were rejected? Yeah, the Klan tried to adopt a highway. Why are they not allowed to adopt a highway? They're not allowed to do anything good.

I mean, like, God forbid the Klan adopting clean a highway. You know, they've been hanging people for years. You know, they could at least do something nice for everybody. Yeah, I know. That's the problem with America. When the evil people start to turn in over a new leaf and start to become decent human beings, we won't

let them. Let's let the clan be nice to us. That's all I'm saying. That's why I like your plan, Ed. You've been horrible for years and you're just going to keep being horrible. Yeah. Well, it's in Benson, North Carolina. Vincent? Benson. Benson, North Carolina. Vincent?

Benson. Benson. Benson, North Carolina. Benson was a black guy. Yeah. Benson, North Carolina celebrates Benson Mule Days, rights reserved, the fourth Saturday of September each year. The kickoff concert is held on Thursday night in the Benson Singing Grove, located in downtown Benson. This festival, which draws 40,000 to 50,000 people. What?

No, I do not believe that inflated-ass number. The parade alone draws 20,000. Well, see, the thing is, in that county, they count mules as people. Oh, interesting. That makes sense now. Yeah, exactly. They put human masks on them. It's one of the largest festivals in North Carolina.

Oh, wow. I never knew of it. I was born and raised there. What was the reasoning behind banning the Klan from this wonderful, wonderful parade? They're the Klan. Because they're filled with hate? Last year they were marching with burning crosses. Ah, you can't have burning crosses in the street. It upsets the mules. All right.

I mean, you know, there's something so innocent and pure about a parade. There's something kind of comical about a hate group marching in one. You know, it's nice. Or a parade to an animal that cannot reproduce. Mules can't reproduce? We've talked about it two weeks ago. So many times. We've really talked about it a lot.

Yeah, we've really talked about mules and donkeys a lot on this show. Okay, we're not going to talk about them anymore. You hear that, Tanisha? Ben don't know shit about mules. Don't fuck him. Ah, yes, Tanisha. Wait, okay, wait. Barnett, you really want to fuck Tanisha?

Who doesn't? Yeah, who doesn't, Jackie? I mean, personally, I don't, but maybe that's a gender barrier that we have here. You were a lesbian for a very long time.

Yeah, but not that kind of lesbian. What do you mean that kind of lesbian? Uh-oh. You're not allowed to march in the mule parade either, it sounds like. She's too feminine.

She's a very feminine individual. Beautiful with large bosoms that might be filled with milk, but she's full of my child. She's a feminine. She's a very feminine individual. Beautiful with large bosoms that might be filled with milk when she's full of my child? She's a lady like with big tits. Oh, well.

Tenacia. Tenacia. In looking for in looking for a lesbian outfit as someone that is looking for that I'm looking for

more of a masculine woman. So, yes, you're right. You're at your goddamn mind. I do not look at that. But I'm saying that... I don't believe in your choices. I refuse to believe.

I'm going to go ahead. I'm going to shuttle back to a year and a half ago when I was single, when I wanted to fuck Kevin Barnett and say that, Barnett, you are ridiculous when you say that women don't want to fuck me. I didn't say that.ett, you are ridiculous when you say

women don't want fuck me. I didn't say that. I just said Tanisha is evading me. Tanisha is a very attractive woman with standards, Jackie. You don't even masturbate. It's ridiculous. I think that you have very high standards. I think you're wrong. I have very high standards.

Look at what he's wearing. He is wearing the attire of somebody who just played a game of pickup basketball, but he just played StarCraft and masturbated. I mean, it's the saddest uniform a person can wear. No, but he didn't masturbate. That's the whole thing. Bernard doesn't masturbate. I'm a good guy. Well, that's true.

Anyway, Matt, in case you don't know, Tanisha was a very attractive guest we had a couple of weeks ago. Have you ever fucked a black chick? Um, I don't know, Tanisha was a very attractive guest we had a couple of weeks ago. Have you ever fucked a black chick? I don't recall. Matt McCarthy, slang it. I may have, but I mean, they're all just one big blur with tits. You know what I mean? You are correct, sir. That is my favorite description of marriage.

The tits, though, are in perfect focus. That is my favorite description of my age. It takes the word perfect focus, though. That's good. Alex, you ever fuck a black chick over there? No, but the more you guys talk about Tanisha, I'm kind of into her. She, all right, well, have a chance at her. Tanisha, I am... Scared of Alex. Yeah, absolutely.

Tanisha, do not talk with Alex. If he comments on your, oh, I like this picture of you with the halter top, do not think it's a kind thing. So nice I liked it, unliked it, and then liked it again. Facebook jokes, great. All right, well, next news story. God, I love this guy. Wait till you hear what he did.

A man shot his neighbor because he believed the 41-year-old had, quote, telepathically raped his wife. It's true. That has happened to me. That's one of the Ten Commandments. I shall not telepathically The new Ten Commandments. rape a man's wife. Michael Selenite, who claimed rock guitarist Eddie Van Halen visits him in his mind.

How old is this guy? 54. Oh my gosh. He's too old for Van Halen. This guy's picture is just the most priceless thing. He's too old for Van Halen. This guy's picture is just the most priceless thing. So Van Halen visits him in his mind.

Everybody in the world. Van Halen shows this. Describe this man for the listeners. He looks like a fucking cigarette butt of a man. I thought it was Eddie Venner. The 54-year-old said that he was acting in self-defense when he shot Mr. Pierce, claiming the neighbor had threatened him telepathically and had telepathically raped his wife many times. Defense attorney Julie George said Selenit,

who suffered a brain injury in a car crash as a teenager, has had delusions about being threatened with violence and about his wife being raped since the late 1990s. I wonder what song was playing when he crashed the car. It's hard to drive when you're rocking that hard. Yeah, it's hard to drive when you're driving over 55. Interesting. Interesting.

I like it. Yes. Interesting. I like it. Yes. He, uh, okay. She said the defense attorney, Selenite, believes his neighbor had sex parties with his wife

while he was in the next room and that Eddie Van Halen comes into his mind and helps him occasionally. According to previous testimony, Selenite believed Mr. Pierce was having sex parties with his wife,

Melanie Toon, and using... This is not real. She didn parties with his wife, Melanie Toon, and using... This is not real. She didn't take his name, that fucking cunt? Just because a woman doesn't take a man's name... One thing about Eddie is he does love tradition. This is what gets him upset. Tanisha Kissel, that sounds good.

And he also claimed that he was using crack cocaine to control her mind. I think she was using crack cocaine to control her mind. To stop her mind from looking at him and thinking about him. The 54-year-old claimed his neighbor telepathically told him, quote, We're having a sex party tonight. There will be cocaine. If you don't come, I'll kill you. How to show up to that one.

If you don't come at my sex party, I will kill you with your impotent dick. I love how he rubbed it in the guy's face with his mind, too. He's like, I'm fucking your wife tonight. What's wrong with this guy? God, so the neighbor died, right? No, no, no. Oh, he didn't die?

No, no, no. He's being charged with shooting and wounding this man, Tony Pierce. The actual charge is attempted murder and illegally possessing a firearm. Did Tony have any idea that this guy thought that he controlled his mind? No. Or this is just total news to him? Total news. That's amazing. Did Eddie Van Halen respond yet? He's doing a benefit concert for

Tony who got shot. It's called Brain Aid. Tanisha Kissel. Okay. All right, all right. A woman doesn't have to take a man's name. That's true, that's true. That's not true.

It doesn't matter. Is that not true, Brennan? Why don't you fucking text everything else? Well, we have nothing. I love that we're pretending as if women have stolen something from us when we make a collective total of maybe $53,000 a year between the seven of us? I just wish the dowry still existed. I would rather a man give a goat and three cows that were able to reproduce for my givings

rather than putting money towards them. Wait a second. Well, Matt, you're married, correct? Right. And how? What did you give? What dowry did you... Was there a dowry? Nope, correct? Right, Matt. And how? What did you give? What dowry did you... Was there a dowry?

Nope, just a lot of grief. No, Matt, you have a beautiful wife, Glennis, who was in a new commercial. Yes, yes. And she goes... She's my favorite. She is your... I hope she's your favorite. She is more attractive than Tanisha, I'll tell you that much.

She's a beautiful girl. You're goddamn right, teabag. And she goes by Glennis... Does she go by Glennis McCarthy, or did she keep... She does. than Tanisha I'll tell you that much she's a beautiful god damn right tea bag does she go by Glenis McCarthy or did she does yes like a real lady I mean I don't think McCarthy is a good last name similar to right she didn't have to change her initials. Her maiden name was McMurray. Oh. Right. So all the towels stayed. This is an interesting issue. I mean,

there are two ways to look at it. One, I mean, how much hyphening are you supposed to do with your goddamn name? True. That we have like 14, 15.

But it's also, the other thing is, it's not even your name. Women. It's your father's name. Right. So what the fuck are we fighting about?

It's all bullshit. But the whole point is that you're supposed to take, you go's your father's name right so what the fuck are we fighting about it's all bullshit but the whole point is that you're supposed to take you go from your father's name you're taking your husband's name I see what does they own you like honestly as a woman standpoint on this it's really fucking difficult in this generation of women they're like, you either hyphenate it or you take their name. There is no question. You cannot keep your name. That is not something that is available. It's more than ever you can

do it. It's not. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. What I'm doing, she has to take my mother's maiden name. I like this idea. Yeah, I like that. So when you have sex with her, what is your mother's maiden name? I like this idea. Yeah, I like that. So when you have sex with her... Definitely, yeah. In my mother's first name,

she takes the whole name. Hold it, my mother's first and last name. She gets the whole thing. She has to dress like your mother and smell like your mother. Yeah, completely. It's a great way to do it

because then it's like, oh, it's not, you know, she gets a woman's name, but just a different woman's name that she has. And what's your mother's name? Uh, we'll not be reporting that upon this table. Look, I can't

have people banging on my mother's door trying to be with her. I got my own priorities here, right? Don't give it up, Holden. That's your personal name. You don't want to tell anybody. Divine. That's her name.. Divine. That's her name. That's the name of his mother, Divine Waters. She's a very heavyset transsexual.

Divine gorgeousness. Don't worry about it, Jackie. Oh, Mr. Jokey McJokes-a-lot, huh? Yeah, right? This guy fucking over here. This motherfucker over here. He fucks his mother! He fucks his mother. He fucks his mother's mouth. There is a difference.

There is a difference. Believe me, you'll know if I have. There will be an aura glow around you. There will be a mugshot and you'll be the news story. Why are you levitating, Holden? Why are you above the ground, not touching it?

My favorite was when your brother was on the cast, and then your brother, who had absolutely no idea that you said these things about your mother. And I think that I just, all I want to do is send... Yeah, but you see me fondle her curtains. All I want to do is send your mother some of these podcasts and be like, your son is a demon. Yeah, Jackie, don't talk about his, no, your mother will never find out about this.

I'm doing it. Jackie, don't do it. Hold on, what noise do you make when you fondle your mother's curtains? Oh, well. That's what you want to know. You want to know the real facts. It's very important. It's like a voracious squeaking.

It's sort of like, yeah, it's like, I hate you, Holden. Can you follow my current life? Squeak, squeak, squeak. Like a dog playing with his favorite doggy toy. Oh, okay. That's good. Do you ever put it in your mouth or do you just mostly use your fingers?

Oh, it's more on the pants. So. Okay. We can move on. With the mom curtains. It's so gross. You know, holding fucking his mother is a gross thought. Why is he playing with our curtains?

I don't know. I don't know why anything happens. Love the smell of them. I've rubbed holes in them. Alex, have you ever had a sexual thought about your mother? Open curtain style. Sexy ladies. Sexy mommy. Si's new song is going to be open curtain style.

It's going to be huge. I've been sexiled by my mother, which is rough. What's that mean? My mother gave me $60 to fuck off while she banged her... I called him Cheeseburger behind his back. Because he... You guys have seen Trailer Park Boys.

Did you love him? My mom was basically fucking Randy. He wore... He lived next door. He wore a shirt 40% of the time when it should have been 99% of the time. This is great. It's like Ed. I went to Ed's house yesterday.

He shows up shirtless at the door. I'm in my house. That's right. I live, I pay rent. Ed rules in his house. I know. See, I miss when I had that front porch because we'd hang out shirtless on that front porch all the time.

Love your house. It was disgusting. The really fucked up thing about this. Cheeseburger never wears a shirt. Never wore a shirt, and he basically lived on a porch is kind of the thing. He paid rent by doing odd jobs and not wearing a shirt. So he didn't pay rent. He didn't, but my mom still boned him and bought him groceries, which was horrible for me.

How old is stepdad, though? That's a good stepdad. How old were you when you were in this? Shucks, I was just finishing up high school. Oh, that's a lot. God, I love that you just said the most innocent. Aw, shucks. My mother was banging this porch guy.

The thing is, he would force me to smoke up his friends in my garage. He's like, no, man, I'm keeping what you do in the garage under wraps. It's cool. Here's my friend. He sells tickets for a living in Dorchester. This is my friend. And would you all go to the Mule Day parade together?

Or would you take separate cars? Turns out they're not allowed to march this year, which is too bad. My mother once tried to get me to ride with Duke. His name was Duke? His name was Duke.

I've had Duke. He was the Duke in Nailin' My Mom. Whoa! I like what you're doing, Alex. All right. I'm going to open another beer. Take the microphone away from Alex for a second. He needs time to snooze. I've going to open another beer. All right. Take the microphone away from Alex for a second. He needs time to snooze. Immediately start drinking.

I've had two dogs named Duke. Really? Yeah. Interesting. Did they date my fucking mom because I'm going to kick their ass? What's up with you, man? You got something to say? The bully in my grade school was named Duke.

Oh, interesting. Of course he fucking was. Did he bully you? All his answer named Duke. He, interesting. Of course he fucking was. Did he bully you? His answer named Duke. He fucked this kid's mom. He used to just hang out on the porch all the time. Never wore a t-shirt. Why did you call him Cheeseburger?

Because he looked like he ate a lot of cheeseburgers. That's true. That's a good reason why. At least there's a good reason behind it. Cheeseburger's a good nickname. I was hoping he looked like Mary McCheese or some crazy guy with a square, meaty head. He could have eaten him, too. You know, he looked like a hungry guy. I'm sure he was.

Marcus, what's the story, buddy? A 74-year-old animal lover and former doctor was killed by her pet llama after it slipped on some wet grass and ran her into the ground. Florence Linehan was mowed down by her llama baby doll whom she had nursed since she was a newborn. Tragically baby doll had been running over excitedly to greet her owner but lost her footing and hurtled into the pensioner causing her head to smash into the pavement. Oh I feel so bad. This llama is me. And you know what I've got a picture of baby doll right here. footing and hurtled into the pensioner, causing her head to smash into the pavement. This llama is me!

And you know what? I've got a picture of Babydoll right here. I love Babydoll! Babydoll's so good, so cute, so lovely, but so big that it killed its owner! She's smiling, look. She's smiling! It's murder! She got the house! Babydoll wanted to hug the mommy! Babydoll wanted to hug her mom and she killed her mom.

She's Lenny from Of Lice and Men, which is a whole other story that takes place in Chelsea. That's why you don't love a llama. You never love anything that's bigger than you are. Nothing with two L's in a row. Exactly. Nothing with two L's in a row, and you never love anything bigger than you are. You know what? Because that thing is going to kill you

Or if it's a monkey You don't love that either Because they're going to kill you I'm bigger than a lot of people You're not that big Get the fuck over yourself It's a struggle You only love women that are smaller than you are

And anything bigger than you You're going to fight or be scared of I would never love a woman bigger than Kevin. He is 6'4". Kevin Burnett is 6'4". He weighs 310 pounds. He is fat as fuck. That's what I'm saying.

What happened? Tanisha Kissel. That's what I'm saying. She's never even heard of you, man. Dude, don't worry about it. I'm saying you would never love something bigger than Barnett. No, of course not. I don't even love Barnett.

Why would you love a giant woman with huge biceps? Six-pack abs. He's got a Willow shirt on. Does it say Willow? No, this is just a... That looks like it's a Willow shirt. It says gorgeous ladies of wrestling. Jackie, what did Kevin do to you? Did he like

shit on you? Yeah, what did Willow do to you also? Well, Willow is fucking small and I don't fucking trust him. Alright, so you don't like big people or you don't like small people? Yeah, I like medium-sized people. I was talking to Eddie about this. This is why I love my little people and I love really tall people.

I hate medium-sized fucking people. See, I love medium-sized people. Be something. Make a choice. What's wrong with medium? Medium is weak. Medium's a fence-sitter. You don't fucking understand.

Be six foot five or above or three foot nothing. That's just because you're a monster and you'll never understand the ordinary people. Jackie, I love you. This is the kind of shit

that's going to get us banned from the Mule Day Parade. Well, this woman, Linehan, who died by llama, she was a... He can't say that. He can't say that. I can't wait to say that. All week, you've been sitting on that one? She was a staunch animal lover and leaves behind an array of pets, including nine dogs, five cats, and a rabbit, as well as several horses, cows, and other llamas.

All of which it was uncovered to have plots to kill her. No, that's why you don't love anything. You never trust an animal because at the base of everything, an animal is still an animal. And is going to kill you. Jackie's love grows less and less as the minutes go by. I know, it's remarkable. First, no big people. Now, no little people. Now, nobody.

You cannot trust anyone. What I want to know, Jackie, is how do you feel about yourself? Oh, I love me. I love me. You know why I love me? Because me is normal

Me is normal size Me's got normal feelings Why are you crying? Why are you crying? Alright, we've had the first mental breakdown on the round table That was exciting I was just saying, you can't trust animals Because animals are animals

And they're gonna fucking kill your ass From now on, I demand you refer to me as Jack Me. I like it. Jack Me. Jack Me. Jack Me. All right. Jack Me.

That works for me. Here's a comment from the Daily Mail page in which I got this story. Sweetado. Llamas. Sweetado. Sweetado. Sweetado. Sweetado.

Las Llamas. Bang. That's the quote? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's a comment. Was it in all caps? Bang was. Oh, okay.

I think he wants to shoot the llama. Poor Gale, though. It's very sad to get... Sorry, or he shot himself while he was in the middle of making a comment. Sorry, never mind. Yeah, I wasn't paying... Who said that? Was that Pedro after Napoleon Dynamite's grandma got killed by the llama?

Is that what happened? Wow. Napoleon Dynamite reference. That's a new low. That sucks, Matt. It's been so long. Matt, can I vent? It's been so long.

Can I vent? The Napoleon Dynamite comment really got me upset. I'm angry with you, and I don't know why I'm actually physically upset. You don't like that movie? I love the movie. We did so well. We're at episode 211 or so, and we never had one Napoleon Dynamite comment, and now we have one.

I am sure that that is not true. 211, never forget. I am sure that that is not true. Well, Eleven, never forget. When Matt McGarney came into our show, making Napoleon die to my comments. No, I'm just kidding. I love it.

Matt, how does Ben's comments make you feel? They make me feel raw and exposed, but somehow empowered. At the same time, I am empowered by his constructive criticism because it is a data's reference. It's fine. It was forced. No, it was my fault, Matt.

Ed, as a llama. It was your fault. Yeah. Speaking as a llama, how does Matt's comments? Just a single spit? Oh, two spits. Not that bad. That's a very good llama.

I thought that was a really solid llama. A llama's more like... You're welcome. You wonder why Kevin wouldn't fucking date you. You are welcome. Nothing's more attractive than Jackie's llama impression. Get her tanked off her ass and

listen to her do this sweet llama impression. That's how I fucking get them, man. Jesus Christ. I gotta say, actually, too, for the listeners, the face she's making is actually worse than the sound. I know, it's really remarkably disgusting. The spit guard is earning its money.

Her spit guard is full of saliva. Seriously, there's so much I can see in front of you. It's dripping off of her. That's why Matt sucks sex to me. Jackie, can you please ask Kevin to have sex with you once again? That would be great. All right, Kevin. All right, here's my final plea.

It's not bad, Kevin. It's not too shabby. Sleep with me. Sleep with me. Sleep with me. Kevin, your thoughts? I mean, Jesus Christ. I'm just going to go back to sleep, man.

It's been years since I tried to fuck you, so I really put my best effort into that. Oh, God. I'll fuck you, Kevin. All right. All right. All right. Next story. Next story. Next story. We're going to stay in the animal kingdom. Oh god I'll fuck you Kevin Alright Alright Next story Next story

Next story We're gonna say In the animal kingdom Okay Animal control officers Are hunting for kittens Believed to be infected With rabies

That were given away In a supermarket parking lot That's what happens When you're trashy What are you talking about? No it's She of makes a good point there. Who is negligible?

Oh no. Oh Jesus. That word didn't work, but I thought about it. We've lost her. Cat lovers... Cat lovers in Georgia may have unwittingly adopted a kitten infected with a deadly disease after two women were spotted handing out six of the animals outside a Walmart. One of the kittens was found to be rabid when it was brought to a vet after scratching its new owner,

then becoming lethargic, a symptom of the virus. Officers from Henry County Animal Control, who are now urgently trying to locate the other kittens, warned it was highly likely the remaining five were also carrying the infectious disease. They are all infected, I'm sure of it. And I'll tell you what, people who take free kittens don't watch the news.

And so they're just never going to know. Or, uh, 28 days later, because that's totally how that movie started. That movie started with monkeys. Listen, I like to remember things a certain way, and a lot of them revolve around kittens and or French bulldog puppies. Fair enough. First of all, we prefer to be called pussy lovers.

So let me get that out Matt just admitted to being a pussy lover Love it! I don't know I've never experienced it Tanisha Kissel I feel like if I just say your name 30 times to myself She she'll marry me.

At the very least, open her curtains for you. Sweet mama McNeely curtains. Don't even say curtains. Oh, my God. I'm getting fucked up over here. It's curtains for you, sonny boy. Thank God. Yeah, exactly.

Please. Usually Holden takes the brunt of the mommy sexuality, but is there anybody else who has seen their mother naked and became slightly aroused? Alex, did you ever find your mother a fucking cheeseburger and be like, I would really like to be him right now? That's a little too old, though.

That's too old? 18, yes. I thought you meant like, that happened like 10 minutes ago. We were talking about that 10 minutes ago no no so at the age of 18 if you see your mother you become aroused by her no no you can't

I'm sure it's happened in the history of time right of course I mean you probably have more experience with this than I do yeah of course yeah definitely I'm into her in the grave I'm into her in the grave. I'm into her. This is a lifelong, this is like a

personal, you know, definite statement I'm making for myself. I will always want someone. How would you feel if I fucked your mom? Alright, throw up and die. And so would she. Absolutely, on the spot. That is tragic.

Matt, you ever think about your mom? No, not really. I think we've got a whole series of no's around the room. A great question, Ben. Everyone shut up when you asked it. I don't know how open Holden is, just screaming. And the rest of us are like, no, no, no. And you know what the sweet irony is?

Because we all want to fuck our mother, and Holden's the only one who doesn't. So in his mind, it's a joke. But for me, if I said I wanted to bang my mom, I would be serious. I remember, like, four years old, trying to look under the bathroom door. Sure. You know, like, that's normal. And she's taking a big old steamy dump. Yeah, yeah, yeah, big old dumps.

Nah, dude. Love my mom's dumps. No, dude. Love the mom dumps. No, Claudette Barnett. I saw a picture of her on Facebook the other day. Her name is Claudette Barnett, which is so cute. I love her. She's a nurse. Anyway, I'm not going to talk about her anymore.

We got one more animal story. Okay. Oh, my God. I'm sorry, Kevin. A Wisconsin father allegedly watched on as another man strung his 18-year-old son from the porch by his ankles and commanded a savage pit bull to attack him. What? That's horrifying.

Joel Kennedy and Richard Liscoe are to face criminal charges. A Kennedy did this? Typical Kennedy. All right, Rex, start chewing on his face. Oh, man, they're to face criminal charges in the chilling attack, which the homeowner allegedly orchestrated because he suspected the teen had stolen from him. Lisko, 58, is charged with false imprisonment, injury by negligent use of a dangerous weapon and substantial battery.

The teen's father, Joel Kennedy, is charged with being part of the crime. Being an asshole, yeah. And here are the two men. The man on the left is the neighbor. Oh, he looks like the other guy. And the man on the right is the father. The man on the right has one eye that is very much higher than the other. The guy on the right looks like Chris Laker after six strokes.

Chris Laker, a wonderful New York City stand-up comedian. Check him out. The other guy looks like homeless Eddie Money. Eddie Money. And he's wearing a Tesla t-shirt. He is wearing a Tesla t-shirt. If you're going to get arrested, just be wearing a Tesla t-shirt. Yeah, he is wearing a Tesla t-shirt. If you're going to get arrested, just be wearing a Tesla t-shirt. You guys got good taste in music.

Tesla's pretty awesome. I mean, who's living a worse life now? The old rockers that these people love, like Eddie Van Halen or the band of Tesla, or the people who love them? It's very tough to say. I don't know, man. Eddie Van Halen's perfectly fine. He's doing well?

Eddie Money is a... Oof, man. That is sad. You seen that commercial? I have seen it. It is sad. I feel like I'm watching Celebrity Rehab. Every time I watch... Find the commercial? Where he just slowly sings Two Tickets to Paradise and he can barely get the words out. And his fucking right side of his face

is just drooping off. Every time I see Eddie Money, I think of what you always used to say, Kevin, about how you were scared of getting old, but then you realized you were just being afraid of getting old like a white person. Because Eddie Money did not age well. White men age the worst. It's gross, man.

It is disgusting. What's wrong? Thank you. Thank you for the sympathy. The skin droops. It does. It just gets so disgusting and nasty. I'm very upset by it.

There's also the sadness in their eyes, though. I feel like that's the main thing. Black men, when they get older, they're like, I know I'm looking better. So they have that sparkle in their eyes. And white men are just like, just put me in the ground. I'm just ready to be dead. Well, it's also because half of us die by 40. Yeah, that's what I the ground. I'm just ready to be dead. Well, it's also because, like, half of us die by 40. Yeah, that's what I was saying.

So it's like, we're just happy to be around. Oh, yeah, I saw the Cosby show. I know all about that. Is that what you base your entire stereotype on black people? Wait, wait, wait. If you see an old black guy, he's happy because he just got paroled. That's good. Matt McCarthy, everybody.

Doubling down on his Napoleon Dynamite-like humor. I was vaulting off of something Kevin had said. You're the racist one. That was not an original thought. You're the racist one. White men are weighed down by guilt and shame. That's what happens We just don't do well

Salami and deep fried fish Oh man I do love salami Well The pit bull attack was only Broken up by a man named Harry Hack Local stand up comedian Here's the first thing I've ever done right in my life. Actually, he runs an auto shop down the street.

He heard some screams. He ran over. He made him stop. And here's what he says. He says, I got 15, 17 cats in my shop. That dog puts up with my cats, hitting them in the nose, stalking them down, never bothers him. The only way that dog does anything is by command.

He's so laid back otherwise. What? Very nice. He's got 15, 17 cats. I love it, and that's why I love those pit bulls. Pit bulls are wonderful animals. I hate pit bulls. No, I hate the people who make the pit bulls terrible. Pit bulls are wonderful creatures. Most pit bulls are terrible, and for the most

part, pit bulls have a terrible nature, and that's why they're bad. No, that's not true. Chihuahus have a terrible nature, and that's why they're... No, that's not true. Chihuahuas have a terrible nature, but they're not big enough to fight. Oh, I would like to see a Chihuahua dog fighting ring. It's true. That would be amazing. Put some razors on their claws. That has to exist.

Oh, I'll start it. I have a dog I can do it. Chihuahuas are fucking vicious, man. They fucking go after you. Can I tell you something amazing my wife did? What? She has to tell this on stage so she's going down on my ass shit so she's eating my ass with a fork we have a Scottish Terrier and it is very true once you get a Scottish Terrier just oh my god Scottish Terriers

are like the greatest dog I've ever had in the fucking world. I love this dog. And so my wife is walking by the Flatiron building and sees a gentleman with two Scottish Terriers on leashes. And she runs as fast as she can over to him and goes, oh, you have Scotties? And then curtsies to the Scotties and says, hello, little Scotties. And then just looked at the guy, and the guy's just looking at her,

and then she slowly backed away, she said. That's amazing. She's like, I blew it. She's like, I completely forgot to tell him that I had Scotties, first of all. Right. And then I just talked to the dogs and curtsied. You never curtsied a dog unless you explain it.

She's the only person who knew that those two Scots used to be princesses of some wonderful palace. They were cursed to be dogs and she remembers working for them as a child. Our greetings, lord and ladies of Scotty Dog. They're good dogs. They're mean dogs, aren't they? They are not mean. They're good dogs They're mean dogs Aren't they?

They are not mean They're totally sweet But they will not back down Yeah They are like Fuck you I will fucking With big dogs too

Yeah They're like I'm not gonna fucking back down You wanna fucking go? You wanna play fuck fuck? Oh I'll play fuck fuck Holy Christ I like fuck fuck

They kill They're gonna kill a mongoose They get the snout in the hole. Mm-hmm. Look at that. Yes, they were bred. They were such great little hunters, and like burrowing and getting fucking like little animals.

They love, she loves going after squirrels. Their tail, this is fascinating, is part of their spine. So if you grab it and it goes into a hole and pull it out by the tail, it won't rip the tail off of their bodies. They were bred this way. Wow. Isn't that crazy? That is crazy.

That's kind of weird and gross and supernatural. Wow, that's awesome. I bet they're great at eating out other dogs. They love dog box. So Matt and Ed, why are they so good at eating dog pussy? Because of the long, jean, salmon-like tongues. Love getting that nose dirty, bro.

I like that, too. No, but that's the thing about pit bulls. Pit bulls are actually extremely smart dogs, and that's why people have been able to train them into fighting. Anyway, just want to say, pit bulls are wonderful. Much like every gentleman in the UFC. Very intelligent. That's true.

One more story. An elementary school community is in shock after learning a third grade instructor recognized by the PTA for her stellar teaching ability was arrested on Wednesday for using meth on school grounds. Vicky Bruce allegedly kept the drug wrapped in a tin foil stashed away in a photo album in her purse and used it on and off over a seven-year period before she would teach her third-grade students at the Reno Elementary School in Azle, Texas.

Meth, if you are a school teacher here, meth is probably a good drug to educate the children better. You know, if you took mushrooms or acid or weed or booze, I feel like meth is actually probably one of the more productive drugs for a teacher to use to hang out with a bunch of third graders. To teach, yeah, I think so.

I don't know, I used to get high and teach Bible school. Man, I used to go to Bible school. Crashed. And teach kids not to smoke and do drugs. Okay, we've got to get into both of these stories. Marcus, you are now currently living the life of a Satanist. You're a self-prescribed Satanist.

When did you teach Bible study? How old were these kids? I think it has something to do with the t-shirt that he's wearing currently. Well, it's a devil's shirt. It's a terribly disgusting bought-in-Texas shirt. But Marcus... It's also a button-up. Yeah.

Did you convince people towards Christ? Nah, we mostly just made macaroni shit, drank Kool-Aid, and then went outside and played Red Rover. It was vacation Bible school. Sounds a lot like Jim Jones. I'm going to throw that out there. It does sound a lot like him. They had some peg, just Kool-Aid and these fantastic little butter cookies.

Ooh, they were great. I would love Jesus, too, if that was the whole thing. Me and my friend Gary just super fucking stoned the whole time. It was a great summer. Motherfucker drank the Kool-Aid, yo. Is he okay? Is he okay? You're right.

Eddie, did you convince a lot of kids not to smoke? I think so. I gave them my best. I feel like, did you just go in front of the class with a carton of cigarettes and smoke them all in front of the kids and then start vomiting profusely? And then you're like, this is why you shouldn't smoke? That's a hard gig for a guy without

a trick rig. Wait, this was part of your probation, right? No, no, no. This was part of being in student council when I was in high school. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. I used to go to fifth graders' classes and I would leave school early. Oh, nice. Yeah, yeah. I used to go to fifth graders' classes, and I would leave school early. I did it so I could miss class.

Right. And so then I would leave school early. I would go to my buddy's house, who was also in the program with me. We would just get fucking trashed. We would drink as much. We'd smoke as much. We'd eat mushrooms.

Right, right. We'd do the worst shit possible, and then we'd go teach these kids not to smoke. Did you use scare tactics? I did, I did actually I have a fake tooth and I recently broke it out of my mouth because I fell off

a car hold on, how'd you fall off a car? I was riding on top of it, wrong place to be riding in the car and I so I would take my be riding in the car, Ed. And I, so I would take my tooth out in the middle of whenever I was talking about chewing tobacco.

I'd be like, I used to chew tobacco. And this is what happened. I used to take my tooth out and show it to all the kids. That's a good message. Had a great time. They used to always come up to you afterwards and ask for your autographs. And I used to always sign it out. Ed Larson being blunt about smoking.

I love it. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Yeah, well, the holiday season is upon us. So this segment, oh, I almost got through it without fucking up. Is holiday season upon us? Yeah, it's coming up. Halloween's the beginning. It's always started.

Columbus Day. Don't forget about Columbus Day. Columbus Day. He did it to, yeah, he was started. Columbus Day. Don't forget about Columbus Day. Columbus Day. He did it to the, yeah, he was a Spaniard. He fucking did it to them. Yeah, so this segment, we create our own holidays. Margus is going to judge it based on what, Margus? I'm judging it on three things.

Funnability, meaning how fun it's going to be. Longevity, meaning are you likely to keep celebrating it year after year and as with all holidays potential trauma right I'll kick things off with the festival of farts

so what we all do all the families get together in their different separate homes they have a big bean lunch they have as much beans and chicken wings the families get together in their different separate homes. They have a big bean lunch. They have as much beans and chicken wings and things of that sort. Big farty foods. They all eat the farty foods and then everyone

in the town meets in the center of the town in a square with big bottles. It's M-E-A-T-S. They get together. They got big bottles. They fart in the bottles and they bottle the farts right they bring those bottles to the town square they all at

the same time release the fart bottles and the way we'll do it is the first the first they release the farts into the air so it's just a big cloud of farts the first person to puke gets a free new bucket of beans

and the day is done The first person to puke gets a free new bucket of beans. And the day is done. I love farts. I was over at Eddie's house for eight hours yesterday. I felt like I already lived it. Oh, yeah. Eddie's place is a perpetual festival of farts. It is. I got farts stored where people don't look.

So we do. You want to do the scoring now or wait until the very end? Well, no, I'll do the scoring now. Okay. I won't do the scoring now. Well, actually, scoring doesn't matter. I just decide who wins at the end anyway. But I would say fun ability, I would say that's probably about a 12. Pretty fun. Out of 10?

Not bad. Yeah. Not bad at all. For the kids? Yeah, definitely. They have a great time. Probably a 12 because Pretty fun. Out of 10? Not bad. Yeah. Not bad at all. For the kids, yeah, definitely. They have a great time. Probably a 12 because people just fucking love it. Love farts. Longevity, that I'm not sure about. That I'm gonna give it a 7. Oh, really? It could go

either way. And potential trauma, you know what? I see absolutely nothing wrong with this, so I'm gonna give it a 2. I mean, there is... You're just really seeing a shit ton of gas in there. There is. I mean, the only thing... God knows. I mean, I will say with trauma, you know what? I see absolutely nothing wrong with this, so I'm going to give it a 2. I mean, there is... There is. I mean, the only thing... I mean, I will say with trauma, you definitely have to spend time with your family, and you definitely have to spend time with the rest of the town.

That's the only thing. You know what? Since you're doing both, and I think it can cause a fear of farts in kids because they vomit and they just have a bad time. You know what? I'm going to give you another 12 on that. Ah, great. Okay, let's do it.

Now that I think about it, okay. All right, who's next? Kevin, you ready? Can I go next? Yes, Jackie. I'm going to go take a piddle factory. Okay, yeah, absolutely. All right, I'm going to call it.

It doesn't have to be a factory. It's a whole factory of piddle. I'm going to call it fat-skimming. All right. Fat-skimming happens a week after Thanksgiving. Every year. And it's like everything you want to do on Thanksgiving, but you get to do it on fat skimming.

And you don't have to say that you're thankful for anything. You don't have to say that you love everything. All it is about is eating as much as you possibly can and falling asleep as fast as possible. And so it takes away from Thanksgiving where it's like, it's nice

and overall happy. It's not an all day affair. It lasts for like an hour. Exactly. It's an hour. It's like an hour affair of like, eat, eat, eat. Sleep, sleep, sleep. Right. And all you get to do about it is think about how sad you are

and how fucking fat you are and that all you want to do for the winter is be as fat as possible. Is there a llama in the room? There's no llama in the room. In fact, there's no windows in the room. It's best if there are no windows at all.

You have to bar up the windows. You bar up the windows you eat as much as possible and all you say at the end is thank you for letting me be fat. All right, Marcus. Well, for funnability, I'm going to give you a zero. What? Have you ever eaten as much as you can? I mean, being sad is in the description.

That is true. But everyone is sad on the holidays. Everyone is sad in the description. That is true. That is true. Everyone is sad on the holidays. Everyone is sad on the holidays. But, however, I am on longevity. On longevity, I'm giving you a 14 because people love to eat and people love to be sad. You're right. Because that's a whole part of Thanksgiving is eating and being sad.

And trauma's got to be off the scale. 12. There you go. Yeah, 12. Eating and being sad And trauma's gotta be off the scale Twelve Trauma's twelve because you're gonna be Well you're gonna get really fat And then by the time you get You're gonna continue that cycle of eating until New Year's And then you're gonna feel bad about being fat

At New Year's And then you're gonna feel worse and worse And you're gonna eat more and more Killing yourself January 12th Exactly it's until 2013. Right. So I feel like. It's one year.

I love it, Jackie. It's just being fat, Jackie. Just take a lunch. I love being fat. And holidays are the best time to be fat. There you go. All right. You've earned your piddle.

Thank you for my piddle. I'm going to go piddle. All right. Go. There you go. Alex, you got anything for us? Oh, yeah. International Teacher Self-

Immolation Day. What's that mean? Basically, kids come back from recess, kind of bummed, because, you know, recess is over, and then the teacher just kind of looks at them and says, alright, guys, school's out over. And then the teacher just kind of looks at him and says, All right, guys, school's out forever.

And then opens up a gas tank, pours it all over himself, lights it on fire. I love that holiday. Okay. So does this happen, like, every teacher every year? It's a week. Yeah, you ever read the lottery? Also, one other thing, you know, because, I mean, you can't, that's for kids, and that's, you know, it's fun for kids, but the trick I'm going to have is all the doors are locked.

So, it's population control and just fun to watch. I think that's a great idea, Alex. You've really knocked it out of the park. You know, this actually was tried once before. It was the day the Challenger blew up. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting.

All right, Marcus, what are you giving it? All right, well, we're going to give that a nine for fun ability. I agree with that. Because some people are going to like it, but not everyone will. Everybody likes when the teacher dies. Well, most of them. Teachers' pets. Yeah, there are teachers' pets.

Yeah, there are teachers' pets. We get a longevity. Longevity, however, I'm going to give you a zero because they're going to outlaw that real quick. That's fair. Yeah. But on potential trauma, 15. Yeah, absolutely.

I mean, come on. As far as you get 100. Yeah. Made me realize those, like... Sounds like a bargain. How as a teacher do you not fuck a teacher's pet? It just seems right. Think about it.

Well, that's why there's so many female teachers fucking boys these days. Man, they're just getting caught. Why are boys now such bitches and ratting out on the teachers that let them fuck them? They're bragging, and then their friends are the bitches. Oh, that is what I got to brag about. Exactly. They're like, I don't think that should be happening to you, Kevin. She shouldn't be having sex with you.

So it's the other kid's parents. I think so. Always is. Haters. Fucking pieces of shit. Kevin, if you were 16 and you were banging our fucking geometry teacher,

I would not tell a goddamn person. I'd be so fucking proud. Because you're a real guy, man. I'm a real guy. I'm a real friend. I would be trying to fuck her though along with you and then we could tag team her.

Rotisserie, the geometry teacher. Wait, were you guys getting were you guys getting teachers fucking kids I'm talking about just teachers lighting themselves

on fire no it doesn't matter I mean branch though I mean they can fuck the kids while they're on fire I mean for like a little bit

yeah that's true alright Ed or Kevin I got one I call it it's called fucks miss miss Eve Fucks Miss Miss Eve.

Fucks Miss Miss Eve. I wish we could have scored the name. Yeah. It's 50. So Fucks Miss Miss Eve is December 23rd. But there's no Fucks Miss Miss. There's only an Eve. I mean, it's on Christmas Eve so it gets

overshadowed. But basically, actually, it's more of like a fucks you mismiss, because you just go up to the people that you hate, and then you go up to them, and you run in their face, and you give them two middle fingers, and you fuck you, motherfucker. I can't wait to fuck you. Oh, it's like an opposite Valentine's Day.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like instead of Valentine's, you give them fuck fucks, miss misses. And at the end of the day, we all light up fireworks with big middle fingers. I love that one. And barbecue. Of course. A bunch of barbecue. Yeah, yeah.

No reason barbecue. I like what you're thinking, my friend. What are we doing here, Marcus? You know, fun ability 15. What? I have a fun ability. That's what I thought. That's just great. Lnability, 15. What? I know the funnability. That's what I thought, too. That's just great.

Longevity, though, I got to give you a 7. You don't think so? No, no, no. Here's why. Everyone's so happy during Christmas time. I should have picked a different time of the year. No, no, no. It's great.

It's great. The reason why it's a 7 is because if you're running up to the people that you hate and going, like, fuck you, man. Fuck you. Fuck you, man. I'll fucking kill you, man. I'll fucking hit you. Then about half those people are going to get their asses kicked.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're not going to do it again the next year. That's true. And with potential trauma. But everyone knows this fucks Miss Miss Eve. You know, it's going to happen to you. You know what? Okay, 10.

Get cards. We're going to get cards sent out. Yeah. It's a big, you open the card, and a big middle finger comes out. It's one of those pop-up cards. Beautiful. So yeah, a 10. A 10 on longevity.

And on potential trauma. Really, since everyone's just saying fuck you to everybody, I'm going to give it a 5. Not much trauma. Not much trauma. It's purely fun. When you score low on the trauma, it's a good thing, but your score is affected.

That's true. That's a good point. Matt, you got something? Yeah, I got something. Alright. Yeah, I got a holiday for you motherfuckers. It is the feast day of the patron saint of conspiracy theories and professional wrestling, Jesse the Body Ventura.

Oh, I love it! It is celebrated on the second to last Saturday of November, so it will always fall somewhere in between the Kennedy assassination and Survivor Series. That's great. And you spend the weekend with friends or alone That's right. And you spend the weekend with friends or alone watching professional wrestling and conspiracy videos on YouTube, which are always set to house music.

And you enjoy the truth. Marcus, what do we have on that? All right. Well, we're we have on that? All right. Well, we're going to go fun-ability. The only reason why I'm putting Eddie a little bit ahead is because it happens outside. Oh. 14. Still hanging out with friends watching videos.

Fun as hell. Maybe alone. Maybe alone. You might be alone when you experience this particular holy day of obligation. Longevity, 13. However, potential trauma, 0. Yeah.

Purely wonderful. Really? Really? Really? You think the truth doesn't hurt? Nothing hurts more than the truth. Alright, 2. Give me two. You watch enough loose change videos, you're going to get pretty fucking bummed out.

Yeah, but for like 30 minutes and then you're going to forget about it. Never forget. That's true. Well, speaking of truth, that plays well into mine. I have a very unique original idea. There is a, we'll call it a silver pole, and everyone gathers around it.

Boring. I saw it on Seinfeld. The name of the holiday is Festivus. Just give him a zero. That was weird. No, I thought that was, it's comedy. No, it's not. That's comedy. No, I thought that was... It's comedy. No, it's not. That's comedy.

No mule parade. No mule... Not this year! That's the definition of comedy. No, I would... Jerry Seinfeld is actually the definition of comedy. That's exactly what I'm saying. Thank you very much.

So everyone gathers around, and they have to say the worst thing they think about the other person. Kevin, what do you got? It's called Festivus. We hate you. You're not a good person, man. You were given such a wonderful opportunity. I felt like I really shunned.

Now I'm physically upset with you. Why are you upset with me? Because you squandered. I didn't. Wow. You squandered a perfectly wonderful Holden-provided opportunity. And you know what you did?

You took your dick out and you rubbed it on our faces! Alright, let's redo it. There's a aluminum pole in the center of the room. You son of a bitch! Everyone gathers around. They say the thing they like least about the other person and their family.

Marcus scored our net. Huh? We may have just celebrated Festivus right now. I know we did. I know, right? That's the sweet irony, and that's why I win, because mine has actually been celebrated. Give him a one, because we just celebrated it. Zero, zero, zero.

Very good. All right, Kevin. The comedy. Zero point zero. Kevin, what do you got for us? My holiday would be called Tanishmas.

When Tanisha rejects you on Facebook. It's a year-long holiday in which I look at pictures. She's not even Cuban.

She looks great. It's a year-long holiday in which I look at pictures of her on Facebook. He's not even with her. That's his idea. I'm a year-long holiday. I went to look at pictures of her on Facebook. He's not even with her. That's his idea. I'm a realist, man.

I mean, you definitely have the longevity on this one. I pee on pictures of Ben Kissel, and then I go over to his house and take dumps in his toilet and don't flush it. What the fuck is that? That's funnability. It's like through the roof right now for me. Ben Kissel makes me upset. You're reading off to the same person, whether it is Tanisha or not, for an entire year. Yeah.

That's kind of bad. An entire year every year. I love her. You're getting married to her Facebook photos. I love her. I just wish her profile wasn't traffic. Well, okay. Okay, well, since this holiday is celebrated by one man.

Yeah, exactly. I've got to judge it based on how you would feel on it. Funnability, I'd give you an eight. An eight? Well, because you don't feel. An eight? Him alone stalking a woman online. He doesn't feel fun the way we do!

I thought you gave him an eighth. Like, one eighth. No, an eighth! A fraction of a point. No, an eighth! How do you know about what my heart feels like? I mean, eight's pretty high. He's a little bit too high.

Eight is great. I'm getting fucking screwed over for my great idea. He's getting an eight over here. Go to sleep! Well, you get a little bit less high. It's kind of extreme. I'm getting fucking screwed over for my great idea. He's getting an eight over here. Go to sleep! Well, you get a little bit less because you got selfish because it's only for you. But longevity, you get a 12. Yeah. You get a hundred.

You get 365. You last as long as Facebook lasts. Exactly. Yeah. Which is eternal. And also, you know what else is eternal? My love for Tanisha. Tanisha, kiss all.

And potential trauma, I'm going to go ahead and go zero. Okay. Because this isn't going to cause you any trauma. This is only going to cause you happiness and joy. What about Tanisha's trauma? Tanisha, she's not going to pay attention to him. What about my trauma when he shits in my fucking toilet? You don't count.

No one cares about your fucking trauma. All right, I have an idea. Aluminum pole. Everyone sits around it and they say the meanest things that they can. Marcus, who wins? I've got to tally up the scores. I'll call it Festivus. He's tallying. Let's do a little

tally music. I don't want you to know. I don't want you to know. It's going to take a little bit longer than that. You're going to have to actually say something. Well, I don't want you. No. Do, do, do. All right. Kind of, no. It's going to take a little bit longer than that. You're going to have to actually say something. Well, I thought it was entertaining music, but I guess we will. I got a quick little story I'll tell you. I was walking outside of my house the other day, and there was this fucking drunk-ass,

crazy, drugged-up Polish dude. And I walk outside, and he comes up to me. He's like, hey, bro. How about you and me, we fucking break this fucking door down, bro? I was like, what? Is he Mexican or to me he's like hey bro how about you and me we fucking break this fucking door down bro i was like what mexican or polish he's polish he's bro bro you know why you we fucking break the door down bro and he grabbed me i was like yo whoa get off me get off me get off me bro you know leave me alone leave me alone and then he's just are you fucking kidding me right now, bro? He's like, are you fucking kidding me, bro? You're not going to fucking break the fucking door down, bro?

And I went across the street. What did he reek of? He smelled like he was smoking out of a light bulb. I go across the street. I go to call the police. They're way ahead of me. Police show up. They arrest him.

The cops beat the fuck out of them in front of my house. That's a great story. It's a great New York story. A really good New York story. All right. You know what? Can I? Yeah, Matt, what's the story that you have?

I was walking across town on St. Mark's, and I forget where I was crossing, but it was like first or second or wherever. You know, you just hear one tiny little piece of a conversation. It was... Every time my girlfriend talks. It was like, oh, what a fucking sexist! It was a guy was talking to two uniformed police officers. And all I heard was the guy say, oh, well, you know, I'm Polish.

And one of the cops says to him, all right, well, take it easy, you fucking Polack. I can do nothing else. I love it. New York racism is like the friendliest, weirdest racism on the planet. So happy to witness that.

So bizarre. And the scores are tallied. Yeah. We're going to start. Tallahassee, Florida. Come visit. Hey, Mr. Tally Bond. Tally me.

Banana. We're going to start at the bottom with Ben. For his festival of nothing, zero. Zero. Well, it's actually Festivus, which has been well played among very popular television shows. Next up, Tanishmus, 20. Not bad.

Respectable score. Not bad at all. Respectable score. Next up, International Teacher Self-Emoliation Day with 24. Okay. I'll take it. We'll take it. Then we have Fats Giving with 26.

Wow. Okay. Not bad, Jackie. How about that, Banana Jackery? Oh, Banana, give me Fatsgiving. Oh, give me because of Banana Jackery. It's down to three. Matt, Ed, and myself.

Coming in in third place. You're looking at me, but don't look at me. Festival of Farts. I really thought farts had a chance here It's the bronze fart And now It's down to the wire By one point

Very interesting The winner is Fox Mismas And he wins again Fuck you America Fuck you December 23rd You remember you

Fuck you I fucking don't like you Alright Well you heard it folks It's now a national holiday So get ready Fucks Mismas Eve Fuck Mismas Eve I guess Fucks Mismas explains

How two planes brought down three buildings Interesting Alright Jackie Zabrowski Ed Larson Old Man Nilla KB I'm Kessel explains how two planes brought down three buildings. Interesting. All right, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Old Manilla KB. I'm Kessel. We got Alex. Thanks for being here, bud. And Matt McCarthy.

Brr-brr-brr. Baka-baka. All right, that's been the round table. Banana Jacket. Yeah. Brr. Good night. Festivus. Yeah.