The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 119: The Flayed Man

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 119th episode of the Round Table: a boy with Down's Syndrome is saved by his puppies, a little girl is shot after being mistaken for a skunk, and a man is banned from every supermarket in Scotland during lunchtime, plus the cutest duo in country music, The Reformed Whores, drop by to play us a couple of tunes and Nick Turner sits in for Kevin.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Pirate Whale! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. How was it? He was great. You know, he didn't like the hand of that.

Which was nice. You begged me, bitches. Alright, so we're ready to go? Alright, let's start us off with a prayer. Hell yeah, who's praying? Is this Ethan the girl? Did they start with prayers? Not anymore, they gave it up because it was late. Did they praying? Is this Ethan the girl? Do they start with prayers? Not anymore.

They gave it up because it was lame. Did they really? They did it for years. Really? Yeah, but I just did it. Were those real prayers, though? Oh, yeah. I think, yeah.

Like, for God? Yeah, like God prayers. Yeah, well, thankfully, we're not going to be doing that today. Today, I've decided I'm going to read everyone a poem. Oh, very nice. Very nice. Boring. I'm excited. this is a poem that I found it's called I drink myself I drink myself I savor the essence of myself this sap of my man root this nectar of my loins. Oh, how my heart leaps when I see it spill forth.

I am a fount of mighty force, a gusher, a geyser. This is my man snowballing himself. My precious seed exploding always, upward and outward. See, I wasn't sure if it was semen or piss, but now I know it's semen.

Yeah, spurt and spurt and spurt, always the surging and spurting. I didn't realize he was going to do what it says. Yeah, spurt and spurt and spurt. Always the surging and spurting. I didn't realize he was going to do what he wrote. Yeah, this is interesting. Glistening on my belly, entwined in my hairs. Where'd you find this? I used to beat off on my stomach.

I understand. Coating my fingers, I lick and suck it from my beard. Did you do that also, Holden? I didn't have a beard if I had that. It always just dripped off your chin too quickly for you to grab it. If a drop fall on the ground, let it also nourish the grass. No, it kills the grass. I cannot be selfish.

I hold enough to fill rivers and seas. Why is it still going? I don't know. That's the main question. It pools in my palm like liquid pearl, fragrant with Neptune's briny perfume. All right, you got one more line, then we gotta cancel this thing.

Oh, no, I wanna hear it! I wanna point out how it ends! It ends with a man eating his jizz! It ends where it started! It ends where it middles! It ends where it middles! Its saltiness only inflames my unslakeable thirst. Unslakeable.

I lie and loaf in the field, and the milk-fatted calf looks on jealously as I suckle my own member. Churned in my bollocks, my own load is sweeter than any cream. Smelling of sun-warmed earth and new-moon hay. That is not what it sounds like. I can't believe you only have new-moon hay. I gather my strength and vitality from this soup of my soul. E.E. Cummings. Better than any broth of beef or chicken.

I get the joke. Its flavor delights me more than that of fish or fowl, male or female. I swoon with the savory taste of myself on my tongue. Come drink with me, friend. Imbibe your own essence. And what I swallow, you shall swallow too. For all men are brothers, and brothers are all who drink of themselves. Is that a poem by Reddit?

I would love to do that, but mine comes like eight. Others are all who drink of themselves. Is that a poem by Reddit? Violent Acres. I would love to do that, but mine comes like Alien from John Carpenter. When they get cut, it's like acid. It just falls through everything. You can't deal with it. Is that why you have so many holes in your sheets? Yeah. Welcome to the Round Table of Gentlemen, everybody.

Thank you, Marcus. I've got a reel in over here. I'm never going to look at my own seam in the same way again. That was really powerful stuff. Who's here? Jackie Zabrowski. All right, never mind. What do you want to say about it, Jackie?

I just can't imagine a calf looking onto a man jerking off onto his belly. Sucking his own dick. I wish I could be that man. That calf hasn't eaten in weeks. That's sad. This man obviously doesn't have food either. He's eating his own cum. Do you think it's for hunger reasons?

I don't think. It doesn't sound like it. It sounds... You know what happened in the good old days when people just ate boogers and scabs? I'm with you. That was my fifth grade lunch every single day. I'm grossed out for the rest of this podcast.

Well, if you go to idrinkmyself.com. Oh, he's got his own website. What's the website? Well, they're certain. By Herschel Badoinkles. They're saving it for later. Badoinkles, he's my favorite. Self-sucking.

Ready, aim, fire. I will say that's the greatest self-eating sperm poem I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, that's true. He's got the market corner. He got it kind of covered, though, because I don't even know what more he can say. That's true. He says a lot more. You guys know it kind of covered, though, because I don't even know what more he can say. That's true. He says a lot more. You guys know what else is interesting?

Anything else. Anything else. That's true. All right. So then who else is here? Ed Larson. How you doing, folks? All right, Ed.

Holder McNeely. Fuck Groovy. Good job. Yeah, fuck Groovy indeed. All right. And we've got Nick Turner sitting in For Kevin Barnett Thanks for being here White Kevin Barnett

Jesus that was very James Earl Jones That's what I do That's cool That's a really good Black accent Oh hell no And then we're thrilled

To have the two hottest Chicks in musical comedy The Reform Tours Are here as well It's too bad they're not funny Oh that is Not true Nick Not true Nick Well then why'd you Call It's too bad they're not funny. Oh, that is not true, Nick. Not true, Nick.

Well, then why'd you call them hot? I say they're fucking hilarious. Wow. There we go. And coincidentally, I want to bang it. Ben. I want to bang it. All right.

Settle down, Nick. We give you a microphone and you think the show's yours. It's not your show, Nick. I was doing Kevin. Kevin doesn't say anything So that's fine It's great to have everyone here And with us as always the wonderful poet himself Marcus Parks

Do you have any less disgusting news stories for us to start off with I have a sweet story for all of you A family is relieved that their missing 10 year old son with Down Syndrome Was miraculously kept warm By huddling with his puppies during a frightening 18 hours alone in the woods. I think it's very sweet. That's exactly where I expect to find a retard.

Yeah. Huddling with the puppies. In a huddle with puppies, talking about the next play, they're going to maybe do some kind of offense, going to throw the ball down the field. I'm just surprised people are looking for him. I'm surprised they didn't find him inside of one of the puppies. I bet they were surprised when they were like,

okay, it's been 18 hours. He's probably dead. Now let's go look for him. Oh, great. The puppies kept him alive. I just feel like it was super awkward for those puppies. Yeah. Was it their puppies?

Why were there other puppies? Well, that's why he was lost, because the puppies ran off, and he went to go look for How many puppies did they give their retarded son? Right here, one, two, three, four puppies. Four puppies for one retarded kid? Very spoiled. Here's a picture of him.

You have to give him a bunch, because he have mice and mends them so quickly. Oh, that is adorable. Snap his neck. I mean, let's face it. The kid, not the puppies. Oh, okay, that's fine. They were just looking for the puppies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they just so kid, not the puppies. Oh, okay. That's fine. They were just looking for the puppies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They just so happened to find the kid. And when they came upon the kid and the puppies, they're like, oh, fuck. Well, I guess we have to claim him. God damn it. Also, he had eaten his own sperm, which has helped him stay alive. Interesting. Yeah. So don't come on the dogs.

He wrote all these poems. He started a website. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a real... Marshall Badoinkle, I think is his name. Badoinkle? Badoinkle! God, there needs to be a point. That sounds like his name. Yeah Marshall Badoinkle, I think. Badoinkle? Badoinkle! God, there needs to be a point.

That sounds like his name. Yeah, Badoinkle. This is just a really sweet story. I'm not even sure really where to go from it from here because I think it's just the nicest story we've ever heard on Roundtable. Yeah, I love puppies. I like petting puppies. I like kissing puppies.

Where was this? Alabama. Alabama! I am shocked. Yep, smartest guy in Alabama. Yeah, he probably wasn't retarded. Yep. This guy's going to end up being sheriff.

Yeah, I know. Alabama, there is no down syndrome. No, it's all up syndrome. Yeah. It's just called a mechanic. Yes. Yes. I like that.

He's got that up syndrome. He's going to be candidate for mayor in three years. He went to no school. He's ready to go. That's perfect. The no school surgeon. That's who I want to go see. The rest of his family call him a valedictorian. Ah, yes.

He's the only one to graduate kindergarten. Am I right? They found him alone, or with the puppies, wet, and without shoes. That's very sad. How many people in Alabama wear shoes, let alone a bit of a downy pant? Oh, also, there was a little less sweet

side of this story. He ate the puppies. He did eat the puppies. He ate them all. Swallowed them whole. I mean, how many days would you have to be alone in the woods

without any sort of food around to eat your four favorite puppies? That's the thing. I mean, you only got to eat one puppy. Yeah, your least favorite puppy. The puppy that pees on you. That's the one you eat? Yeah. Of course. You eat the one that causes the most you only got to eat one puppy. Yeah, your least favorite puppy. The puppy that pees on you. That's the one you eat?

Yeah. Of course. You eat the one that causes the most trouble. Or the ugliest one. But, I mean, what puppy is ugly? There's a lot of ugly puppies out there. You think so? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm sure there's an uglypuppies.com. There has to be. Go to, uh... Yeah. It's probably just... I mean, the other thing is, too... It's probably just plastic surgery mishaps.

Yeah. Terrible breasts. Those are some ugly puppies. Yeah, I would love to see a puppy with breast implants. Absolutely. You ever squeeze an animal's teat? No, no, no. I haven't had the opportunity.

When I was a kid, I accidentally grabbed my dog's nipple and it was really freaking me out. I did not like it at all. They have so many of them. You can't avoid them. Then why'd you grab it? I didn't grab it. I didn't know what it was. Then my mom was like, that's a nipple, and it was really freaking me out. I did not like it at all. They have so many of them. You can't avoid them when you're just... And why'd you grab it? I didn't grab it.

I didn't know what it was. And then my mom was like, that's a nipple. And I was like, that's weird. You have nipples. And then, you know. You girls are from the South. I've kept a cow or five. Have you?

That's great. I like how she means boyfriend. That's good. Yeehaw! So did you grow up on a farm? No, no, I didn't. But I did grow up in Nashville, Tennessee. And behind me, my neighbors did have like a, it was kind of like a fancy farm.

So it had like a barn and like a horse. But it was in a very nice part of Nashville. Honey, one of those reformed whores are milking our cow again. Get off him! Get off him! She seems to be swallowing it like it's semen. Did you wear gloves? No.

That's great. But you do have to warm your hands. Yeah, don't you put Vaseline on your hands and stuff, right? Yeah. Well, I never put Vaseline on them. I got natural lubrication. That's so sweet. I used to milk goats, and I was the fastest goat milker.

Yeah, girl. Yeah, you got to teach me. It's true. It's all about the twist. Well, I was saying, how old were you when you did that? How many creepy dudes were standing around you watching it happen? Oh, yeah. I was like 12.

Look at that blonde angel. When the horn began. How long does it take to get eight ounces of good goat milk? How long would it take to squeeze one of those out? That's great. Like a soda gun. How much does an average? Did you do one of those farm contests and stuff like that?

No, I didn't ever do a contest, but I milked a lot of goats. That's good. Keep it pure. Don't bring competition into it. It's about the love. It was about the love. You've got to be relaxed when it stresses out the goat. Do you ever get head-butted by a goat? No. Do you look it in its eyes when you milk it? You ever head-butt a goat? No, it can't look at you in the eyes.

Yeah, I suppose that makes sense. In North Carolina, my parents entered me in the county's worst monster competition. You got milked. Yeah. How long did it take to get eight ounces of milk out of you? Well, it was all based on the shrieks of the town. Oh, I see.

They were judged by screams. And I got many a scream. Town competition? Oh, it was just me were judged by screams. And I got many, many a scream. Talent competition? Oh, well, it was just me taking a shit in a bucket. Oh, wow. That's how you do it. I filled the bucket. It takes me two seconds to fill up a back-up southern bucket of shit.

Oh, that's amazing. They feed you a bunch of corn. That's the thing. It was only corn. It was just fresh corn, too, right out of the ass. A whole kernel of corn. An entire kernel of corn would pass through me. They're just like, I ain't never seen

none like that. Quit pill it and eat it. That was the first time I was skinned. One of many though. What skin are you on now? How many skins have you gone through? I've shed about 25 skins. Really?

Never go to Transylvania if you look like a monster because they will skin you multiple times. That is an issue. My life is an orange, the whole of the big daily story. If you are skinned, you just die, right? Or can the skin grow back? Oh, you can flay a man.

The flayed man! Yes! A man can be flayed! We're talking Game of Thrones now, but yeah, yeah. No, there is, um, you can slowly fl, a man can be flayed. We're talking Game of Thrones now. But yeah, yeah. No, there is... You can slowly flay a man, and he will live for quite some time. How slowly?

I mean... Like that. Like about six seconds. About as fast as you can milk a goat. But once you bleed out... I think that you can take off a certain layer of skin and still keep the blood in there. The blood's not right on the top of the skin, so you can slowly peel a person like an onion. Like capillaries, right?

Yeah, the capillaries. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's more like a grape, like taking the skin off of a grape, and it has that same where it's still wet on the outside, but it doesn't actually bleed. Yeah, so you could take someone right down to the smallest piece of like sausage

what has there been is there any horror film that's dealt with the flang well Hellraiser is the only one that has the no skin man

Hellraiser is still creepy yeah Hellraiser is great Hellraiser 2 is dumb as fuck oh it's so dumb that's the best one that was so creepy actually that franchise

is my least favorite it's so disappointing the monsters are great. They don't use them right. They introduce these amazing monsters and do nothing with them, but that skinned person is a creepy look. Very, very cool. It's all about the look with those babies.

Could you ever love a man with no skin? Of course. Really? Wow. Now Biggs is, hmm. It's 1,000 inches. 1,000 inches. It has no skin on it. inches It has no skin on it

If it has no skin on it Then it's always wet I mean he will He will come immediately Yeah Without a doubt It's a thousand inches It means he can stay

Real far away Yeah That's true It would have to be A thousand inches He got you Yeah you gotta suck it Real far away

Yikes Yeah skinless dick That's pretty terrifying. That is terrifying. Yeah. Everybody. The guy with the dick. The people who gotta look at it.

His mother. His dog. Everything. It's hard enough loving a man without lips. Like, I don't think I could love a man without lips. Have you done this before? I feel like this really... Like, I was married once.

Jackie, do you want some... Without skin, you wouldn't have lips. You'd kiss his teeth. You'd just kiss his teeth. That's terrible. You'd be like, I love you. No, you wouldn't have lips. You'd kiss his teeth. You'd just kiss his teeth. That's terrible. You'd be like, I love you. No, you would still have lips. You would just have skinless lips.

Yeah. You would still have lips. No, you would not have lips. If you were flayed, you would not have lips anymore. No. Then I would be gone. Yeah. Right?

I feel like you would still have the meat of the lips. Just skinless lips. You can't have the meat of the lips, man. It's just falling off. I guess so. This is a sloppy kiss. It can't just exist in the air, like where the meat would be. Maybe.

Lips are like oysters. They're a big turn on. Eddie, how are lips like oysters? You just suck them down. That's a good point. I don't know. I never chew them. I don't know. I don't know.

Never chew them. Jackie, if a guy had no ears or no lips, which one would you rather have? No ears. I don't care about ears. Not at all. Yeah, you can put on a hat. Yeah, exactly. Unless he's going down on you, then there's nothing to grab.

What, you treat him like a donkey? You grab your boyfriend by his ears? You grab him by the ears and he really knows you mean it. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I think he really knows you mean it. Yeah, yeah. Oh my god. I think he's just scared to leave. I think you might be the first chick that Brazzers hires as one of their male characters. You're the only person who's ever pronounced that Brazzers.

Brazzers. You mean Brazzers? No, it's Brazzers. They say it. Brazzers. Oh, I'm sorry. I don't listen when I fucking watch porn. I love Brazzers. You don't?

I don't listen. What? No. When do they say Brazzers? No, he watches it in silence in the room right next toers. You don't? I don't listen. What? No. When did they say Brassers? He watches it in silence in the room right next to me. Yeah, they do it at the end. Oh, that was another thing.

There's been a web series I talked about on another podcast. Four days. I have jacked off next to everybody in this room except for you, the reformed whores. I was just thinking about you guys.

But that was very, very bizarre. Well, we had a long show. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah. It's answer. You've been beating off in the room while we've been filming? I mean, you guys have been there since 8 in the morning.

I always jack off at 9. We've been filming in Holden and Ben's apartment for the past four days. It's just really bizarre coming to your friend's voices. Yeah, and it's usually right around the time Holden chooses to speak. And it's quite awkward. And you call immediately. I know, and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. And then I fucking eat it and I write poems

and I put it on a great website. It's really quite sad. A man can survive for up to three days after being fully skinned. Oh, wow. How long can he survive on a diet of cum? Yeah. That's a good question.

I do want to know that. Well, okay. Well, what I'm going to do, what I do want to know that There you go Google it Well okay Well what I'm gonna do What I'm gonna do first Is I'm gonna look up The nutritional value Of semen

And there is definitely A lot of protein Protein Yeah yeah protein You got water Yep Even Cosmos I remember reading

In Cosmos saying Like if you don't Want to swallow Just say you don't Want the empty calories To a man Can you imagine Saying that to a man And you don't want the empty calories can you imagine saying that to a man oh yeah yeah there actually uh there was a report that i i read not too long

ago where i show it says that if swallowing semen uh helps fight depression oh yeah yeah yeah nick is that true yes is that you look very happy right now but i feel like that that poem is actually very positive right yeah right Yeah, of course. He was happy as hell. You're right. Yeah. That's right. I feel like there's just a lot of horny doctors out there, because there was another thing

about how staring at breasts lets you live longer or something. There's no... Yeah. No. Why would I not? It's the only time I feel like I'm alive. So that's true. Well, contrary to popular belief

Semen is not loaded with calories Each teaspoon of ejaculate Has about 5-7 calories And some 200-500 million sperm It's other ingredients include Fructose sugar Water Ascorbic acid aka vitamin C

Perfect Citric acid Enzymes Protein Phosphate and bicarbonate buffers Electrolytes a vitamin C. Perfect. Citric acid, enzymes, protein, phosphate and bicarbonate buffers. Electrolytes? Zinc. Zinc. Jesus, there's more ingredients

than an adductor pepper. If you wanted to survive on semen, you would have to drink gallons per day. I don't think the man could survive. You gotta do what you gotta do. Indeed. Can you put a breast pump on your penis?

That wouldn't do anything. You can put anything on your penis. Well, I know, but would it help me? Put a car on your penis, Garrett. Nah, it doesn't work like that. Actually, I forget what I was going to say. What are you going to do? I wanted to talk about gallons that come.

Forget about it. I think to talk about gallons that come. Dude. Forget it. Forget about it. You ever jacked off a horse? I think we already talked about that. You jerked off a horse? You ever stuck your arm all the way in its ass? No, wait. Hold on.

Give her the microphone. Yeah, give her the microphone. So how do you jack off a horse? Well, one of my best friends was an equestrian, and one day she was like, I got to go muck out the stalls. You're a water bearer? Muck out the stalls. Muck out the stalls.

What is that? I call it the same thing. Wait, that's when you go and clean out the stall. There's a water bearer? Muck out the stall. Muck out the stall. What is that? I call it the same thing. That's when you go and clean out the shit in the stall. Oh, okay. And then she was like, have you ever seen a horse's dick? And I was like, no, I've never seen a horse's dick. And she was like, come with me. So we went to the stall.

And little by little, you could see it. And she was like, this is going to be so gross. But you have to clean the horse's penis every once in a while, or it'll get infected. Of course. So she starts... I've got to start using that line on other ladies. You have to clean it with your mouth.

You have to clean my penis. It will get infected if you do not clean my penis. If you tell chicks that you have a horse cock hold and you actually have a horse cock, it would be very terrifying for them to pull up. It was just in your bed. So how do you clean it? Well, you just have to like stroke it a little bit and then it gets all out there and then you is it like a dog stick or well let me let me ask you this though if the horse's penis needs to be clean or else it'll get infected. How do horses out in the wild survive? They clean each other.

Boom! Wow! Very interesting. Very cool. All right. I like that. Horses are so hard. How do they know that?

I don't know. Did a horse ever come on you during a cleaning at all? No. They never came once during the cleaning. I got that problem. Get with me. Get with me. Get with me. I have a very dirty cock.

No one can clean it. I come immediately. I'm not happy about it, but anyway, Marcus, is there another story so we can get up? We're going to tell you. Yeah.

This hour-long conversation about cum? Yeah. We're going to go pretty far away from it. All right. A nine-year-old girl... Oh, no.

...was accident... And we're back. Immediately back to Stephen and Horace Cox. I don't know how, but we'll find out. ...was accidentally shot outside a home during a Halloween party by a relative who thought she was a skunk. Tell me she was dressed as a skunk. She was dressed as a skunk.

She was dressed as the world's biggest skunk. Biggest skunk ever. Where was this? This was in Pennsylvania. How dare you say that? I'm surprised. Yeah. Oh, my God.

A nine-year-old girl is really big. Yeah, they are huge. This guy immediately went from the greatest hunter on earth to the worst uncle ever. Did she die? No, she's fine. Oh, she didn't die. No, she got hit with a shotgun, and it was fairly far away. She just got peppered.

I went through the same thing when I was a kid. It's fine. I thought you said shot to death. No. I didn't say to death. I accidentally shot. You heard that. I added that in my head.

My constant blood loss. That's the problem there. Also, isn't it a little early to be having a Halloween party? I know, right? It's this fucker's fault. Yeah, too early. Did you lock this bitch up? Nah.

Nah. How can you get mad at a guy where you're like, I'm going to put on a skunk costume. I'm going to look as much like a skunk as possible. And he thought she was a skunk. Yeah, she wins the contest. Yeah, she definitely wins the costume contest. She was a slutty skunk, you know?

He had to recognize that it wasn't an actual skunk. He's like, that skunk got tits. Yeah! Those nine-year-old honkers. Let me ask you this. Is it better than puberty earlier now? So it's possible. If you could just ruin Kevin Barnett's career right now, that would be great great So is it better or worse that he wasn't drinking at the time?

Worse I was like oh so he's wasted Yeah yeah cause he's drunk Skunk! Skunk! World's biggest skunk But usually he fucks the skunks After he shoots them She won in that respect

That would have been illegal in this situation. That's for sure. Is it illegal to fuck a dead skunk? Oh, no. Only when it's a nine-year-old girl dead skunk. Not people. Why wouldn't it still be bestiality, though?

Even if they're dead? You can fuck animals after they're alive or dead. Just shut the door. You can do it over the fucking bar. I'm just gonna fuck her. Well, here's a question. Maybe she was out there taking a shit, so we smelled the horrible odor, and that was like what hit it home.

Yeah. Maybe she had gotten sprayed with a skunk. Or she sprayed him. Yeah, it's possible. Maybe she pissed all over her uncle. I don't know. Now you go run out in the fields and pretend to be a big skunk. I'm going to get you.

You ain't going to get me. I love her using southern accents, by the way. It's happening in Pennsylvania. It's fine. It's the same. Oh, hey there. That is not. That's not.

Don't you know I live in Winkle? same. Yeah, it's like, oh, hey there. That's not right. Don't you know I live in Winkle? Two unplaceable accents. That's amazing. Like Fez from that 70s show. Wow, that was great. And this guy was a police chief. Okay. Ronald

Leyendecker. I think everyone in cities like that is the police chief. But I mean, he was the police chief of New Sewickley Township. So he wasn't... He was the only one with a car. And of course he had a gun on him, because all police chiefs were like, well, I'm a police chief, I have to have a gun

on me at all times. Well, here's an aerial view of New Sewickley. That's the whole town? That's the whole town. That's why he didn't had a shotgun. At all times. Well, here's an aerial view of New Sewickley. That's the whole town? That's the whole town. Oh, man. That's why he didn't go to jail. He's like, relayed to everyone.

That gets okay. Don't worry about it. Yeah, it's small. Well, the town is only him, that girl, and a skunk. Right. And the skunk's still on the loose. I'll get that goddamn skunk one day. He probably sends her out there to entice the skunk.

Go flirt with that dear skunk one day. He probably sent her out there to entice the skunk. Go flirt with that dear skunk. Get him close to the house. Have you girls been hunting with your southern roots? Do you guys ever? I have not ever done a gun. No, I've never been hunting. You ladies get close to the microphones when you talk. I've shot several bow and arrows before at camp.

Wow. That's fun. And that picture was a deer. That's the closest hunt I've shot several bow and arrows before at camp. Wow. That's fun. And that picture was a deer. That's the closest hunt I've ever done. All right. Well, not bad. And pinned a tail on the donkey. I like that.

It was a real donkey, though. That's like giving back, though. Yeah. That's true. Yeah, that is true. What's the origin of that game? What's the origin of that game? What's the origin of pinning a tail on a donkey?

I mean, it's been around forever. I'm guessing the Middle Ages would probably cut off a donkey's tail. Sure. Wait, so was Eeyore based on pin the tail on a donkey then? I think so, right? Yeah, he must have. That's why he was sad. Which game first?

I mean, there must have been some reason that people needed to pin all these tails on all those donkeys. I mean, I don't understand why. I don't know why they would cut the tail off in the first place. I remember one party I went to, they had pinned a halo on the angel, and that was really weird. Why do you need to pin a halo on an angel? She obviously is not an angel. It's supposed to hover above the head.

So you're telling me I get to nail a halo into a little girl's head? This is great. Thank you, church. You, make her an angel. Put the nails in Christ's arms. That was a fun game. This is really exciting. Do you got a reason for it, or we can just move on? I don't know.

I got one. I don't think people care. Long ago. Is this going to be another semen poem? Yeah. People believed that on a birthday, a person could be helped by good spirits or hurt by

evil spirits. So, when a person had a birthday, friends and relatives gathered to protect him or her. One of the oldest birthday games is pin the tail on the donkey. A large picture of a donkey without a tail is pinned to the wall. Blah, blah, blah. It's a very easy game. It's literally pinning the tail on a donkey. Does tail is pinned to the wall. Blah, blah, blah. It's a very easy game.

It's literally pinning a tail on a donkey. Does it have to be a donkey? And then it just describes pinning a tail on a donkey. God damn it. Thank God we do a podcast. We'll call that an edit time. Yes, we will. Anyway, fuck donkeys. Fuck donkeys, pin a tail on them.

Y'all want a strip club story? Yes! I saw those pictures. tail on them. Y'all want a strip club story? Yes! I saw those pictures. I love them. A couple were arrested for allegedly abusing their seven young children inside their Paris, California home, which police say doubled as an underground strip club that became the scene of a July murder. Ooh.

Ooh, man. Very steamy story. So were they making their kids strip? No, they were just beating the fuck out of them. And why were the kids there in the first place? How old were the kids? The oldest one was 11, and there were seven of them. Oh, wow.

Seven, 11. Yeah, it was their kids. No, they were all adopted. Oh, they were all adopted? Oh. How do they adopt a kid? They have a strip club in their house. Twist and turns in this story.

Oh, my God. What kind of strip club? What are we talking about? We got a couple of polls. They won't give kids to nice lesbian couples. I know, right? But these fuckers

get seven children under 11, beat the fuck out of them and run a strip club out of their house. Were the kids working in the strip club as bar backs

or pussy cleaners or anything like that? Yeah, yeah. Were they eating each other's pussies or anything like that? Yeah, tell us how many pussies they eat. Pussies.

Pussies, pussies, pussies. I was thinking more like a wet nap or something. Well, according to court documents made public Tuesday, officers searched the house of Gregory Lacey and Laquaron D. McLean Lacey That's part of a homicide investigation.

When they came across a section of a three bedroom, two story house set up as a strip club, complete with a dance pole on a platform, alcohol, and a private exotic zone. Okay, I have a question. What strip club does not have a pole?

It wouldn't be a strip club. That's true. That's just a dance club. See, if they had just gotten rid of that strip, that pole, they would have been fine. And a kitchen table. What a terror. I feel so bad for the strippers who had to work at this club. Well, these are the people that ran it. Yay!

Why is the man shirtless in his mugshot? She's also shirtless. God, so I guess they were arrested naked. I guess so. In a strip club. No clothes in a strip club. At least she still has her eye shadow on. I respect that.

I think she looks fine. And you know what? They look remarkable for their age. He's 60 and she's 43. I want to see the pictures of the kids. I want to see how hot they are. I don't think she looks good for any age. I think they look bad.

You could tell me she was 17 and she looks like Grimace. Maybe early hundreds. I'd be impressed. And all these pictures, of course, will be posted on the Roundtable of Gentlemen Facebook page. God damn it. How do you spell her name?

Holy shit. Marcus just showed us. What is the name of it? Ugly Puppies and Babies. You have to immediately talk about the story. What is happening here? Gallery, ugly puppies and babies. Marcus shows us the pictures on a large television screen here in the studio, and he just took that one away and then revealed ugly puppies and babies.

That was an accident. That baby looks like it has, like, fly eyes. Weird. Wait, can we do a couple more before you take it away completely? I need to see more ugly puppies versus babies. Alright, so Ed, describe again the puppy on the left. The puppy looks like

it just swallowed ten pounds of cocaine. It's just frazzled. The puppy was just removed from a vagina. And it's a huge tongue with a crooked mouth. Now describe the baby. The baby looks like someone pushed up its nose into its brain. It looks like

it's becoming the fly. Have you ever seen the fly? It looks like it's about to become the fly. The baby has beast-ung lips and a nose and eyes and forehead and everything else. Alright, let's go to the next one. Its face is

sunken into its head, I think, with this baby. Yeah, it looks like an 80-year-old man. It has sharp teeth. It's a baby that's looking at a thing of milk for no reason. He's wishing he was on it. Someone please kidnap me from my parents. Somebody please care about me. All right, one more.

Let's get another dog in here. Well, this is the Crypt Keeper dog. He's actually the world's ugliest dog. He's a very famous dog. It looks like a zombie dog. Wait, he's won competitions though. I've seen his dog before, right? He's the world's ugliest dog. That's awesome.

It's a cute dog. It's just like Ed Larson. I think I owe that dog 50 bucks. Shoot it in the head it's part alien that was Eddie talking about a baby oh yeah King Kong Bundy if it was a baby yeah King Kong Bundy if it was a baby

now I know that we have made the biggest mistake on podcasts that you could make by looking at pictures and reacting to them please people please look at the pictures I'll also post a link To this website

No one's listening to this podcast And is like what's with all the screaming So what's going to happen to these parents Or how did they hurt the kids They would pummel them with Fists, belts, hangers and metal objects Okay Good anger beating They would deny the kids food and lock them in their bedrooms They pummeled them with fists, belts, hangers, and metal objects. Okay. Very interesting.

Good hanger beating. I guess so. They would deny the kids food and lock them in their bedrooms. The children also told responding officers that they witnessed late night parties taking place inside the first floor strip club that lasted until the early morning hours. It's sort of like the greatest fantasy of all time, though, as an 11-year-old boy to be like, I wish my parents had a strip club so I could just see titties all the time. I mean, it's not the worst parenting

I've ever heard. If it wasn't for these constant beatings this would be the best. The beatings were real bad I suppose. I mean I'm sure these weren't the um. The most attractive strippers? Yeah most well put together strippers on earth. Well check out the home. It's quite nice. Yeah it's nice. It's a very nice house.

It's like a baritone house. Yeah it's like a zero lot line. Nice neighborhood. You can tell they can't have a pickup truck in the driveway. One of those type deals. Do you think they ever called racism when they're like, you're bringing the property values down. And they're like, because we're black? And they're like, no, because you're running a strip club out of your house.

And you have orphans. And you have seven orphans. It's very bizarre. I think it's more the orphans than anything. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You think so? You think seven orphans is worse than a strip club?

A strip club generates money. It generates money. It's a business. You know, there's definitely one straight-edged neighbor who is really quietly upset that this strip club no longer exists. Yeah, definitely. Definitely jacking off quite a bit to those sweet beauties. All right.

All right. That's what people... Yeah. I'm on your lawn again. I'm on your lawn again. I'm on your lawn again. Well, let's move on to some drunk news. Yay! A Ukrainian traveler allegedly tried to open the emergency exit door of a moving jet at

Salt Lake City International Airport, later telling federal agents that he had been drunk for 50 days and imagined a fire on the wing. So it was just taxiing. It wasn't in the air, it was just taxiing. It had just landed. As the plane touched down, about 10.30 p.m., the man is named Anatoly Baranovich.

Baranovich ran to the back emergency exit door and tried to open it, ignoring a flight attendance order to stop. In his efforts, Baranovich caused a malfunction that jammed the door, malfunctioned the inflatable side, and caused extensive damage to the fuselage. Hmm. Interesting. You know, he was just trying to help out.

He was. He was pitching a helping hand, opening the door for the... He was being a gentleman. I totally agree. He landed, and he wanted to get out. What's insane? What the fuck? It's insane that they fucking trap you in there. Why is this even a goddamn news story? God. It also seems really...

Let's agree this, McBredovich. Also, what's with this pussy plane that everything on it breaks if you try to open a door? Yeah. Isn't the whole point of the emergency door to sort of, like, open easily? God damn it. Just in case there wasn't fire? Fuck Utah. Is this about Utah?

This is Salt Lake City. Okay, Salt Lake City. If you're listening to this podcast and you're in Utah, fucking shut it off and subscribe. You're very nice. You're a very nice person.

Just get out of Utah. Yeah, just get out. Come to New York. Move to a real state. We'll take you in. I have a few orphan slots open in my place. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, definitely. Strip club. Holden, we gotta start a strip club in our apartment, man. Hey, do you guys think we want to get a round table orphan? I mean, only if he learns how to edit the show. No, that's my job.

That's my job over the next few years is to pop one out, and then it'll be everyone's baby. Oh, and so everyone just turns to see who it is. That's the whole thing. It's just like they just jack off my face because they all think that's how you make a baby. And you don't have one. I won't do it. I just get one, and then it'll be all of our babies. That'll be great.

She's born with red hair and is immediately 6'7", and I'll be like, I don't know. I don't know how it happened. I don't understand. Keep in mind. Well, Berenovitch, who was asleep, woke up as the plane descended. He began yelling in Russian to his seatmate that he thought the wing of the Boeing 757 was on fire. The seatmate did not understand Baranovich.

Oh, he didn't speak Ukrainian. Yeah. Well, you know, he woke up, he was having a nightmare. Exactly. Remember the Twilight Zone, the movie, man? I think I would honestly take someone seriously if I heard someone screaming about a fire. If there's a Russian man screaming, you take them very seriously.

Or Con Air. You know what's so funny is the plane's landing and it's just quiet and everyone's waiting. And I'll see you. That's true. If it was in Russian, I definitely wouldn't believe him about anything. Kill him.

Never believe a Russian. Kill him. Did we not address the fact that he said he was drunk for 50 days? Here's the reason why. That's kind of intense. Here's the reason why. Baranovich said he had been visiting family in Ukraine for 50 days, during which he tried to begin building a house he had been planning.

Unable to begin construction, Baranovich stated that he got drunk and stayed drunk for the entire 50 days. Obviously. Of course. I mean, what else would you do? I love how he was there. He must have given it the old college try of one day of trying to build a house. I think he got drunk and then never finished his project and then just continued to get drunk. That would have been great. I would have loved to see what the house would have looked like

had he been building it the entire time while he was trapped. Oh, it would be good. There would be no foundation. It would be sideways. And it would always be on fire. I don't know. I saw a bunch of... What house is built sober in the Ukraine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My whole family. I'm half Ukrainian, half Polish. Holy Lord.

It's a rough combo. That's incredible. That's the bologna smell. That's the bologna smell. I don't know. I saw a family of inbreds build a fantastic house. Really? Yeah.

How many rooms were in that house? I never went inside. One big room. Just one large room. Well, that's real nice. From the outside, it looked great. What was their relationship? How were they inbred?

They were brothers and sisters. All of them fucked each other. Grandma, uncles. I get that. I understand how you know what the relationship would be. Okay. Grandmas with sons and sons with daughters. Oh, you were just envisioning everything.

It's just a fuck party in there? No, I know from... What's the family called? The Muleys. The Muleys. Oh, we've heard about the Muleys before. Never mind, never mind, never mind.

I didn't know it was the Muleys. Super Muleys. Everybody knows the Muleys. It needs to be an award for the best family that fucks each other. They sold watermelons, right? Yeah, they sold...

They had a watermelon stand on the side of the highway. Marcus, how do we get one of them on the show? We don't! We don't? I want to get one. I want to meet him. Do you want to fucking fly Bobby up here with his big old donkey dick? Does he have a donkey dick?

It is huge. One night, a friend of mine was driving past their house at the middle of the night, and it's out in the middle of the country, so there's no lights or anything, and so he sees in his headlights this weird figure off in the distance and once he gets closer and closer he realizes that it's bobby completely naked with his hands up in the air like in a t jumping up and down in the middle of the road and a gigantic dick just flopping up and down if i jump high enough my dick hits me in the chin and I can almost

About Bobby no skin on his body, but a thousand inch dick He stops traffic that day and they all had a weird speech impediment and he always called it his don't edit What means donkey dick don't edit? I bet I bet it don't edit By David Bobby booty and I got it he's the mayor no one of my favorite was that there was uh we were at a we were at a stock show once and there was a whole bunch like there were a couple of pigs that were in a pen and they were getting fucking rowdy with each other and then Bobby's's father, I can't remember his name. Daddy Muley. We were about to, like, reach in there, and he goes,

Don't be taking a hand in there when the pig be fighting. Which means, don't be sticking your hands in there when the pigs be fighting. You're going to get hurt. Oh, interesting. That is a whole new language. Yeah. You speak Muley. I speak Muley, absolutely. Oh, new language. Yeah. You speak Muley. I speak Muley, absolutely.

Yeah, one time their grandma took a shit in the middle of downtown. Oh, yeah. Really? I remember that day. Whole town knew that day. She was the only one to beat Holden in the Who Can Shit in a Bucket the Fast War. That's amazing. Grandma Muley.

Can you imagine if they would have won, though? Like, won the human war and we would all sound the human war She had no idea the bucket was there That's interesting That's a bad grandson job Now you follow Grandma around with the bucket And you just pick it up whenever she says You get under there Now Bobby used to live in a school bus

Until it burned down How did it burn down? I don't know. And by the way, you can actually check all of this for reference from Nikita. She has witnessed these people and all of these things. I thought there was a Muley.com

or something. Does he do poetry by any chance? Yeah, check out their Wikipedia entry. That's very exciting. I don't know. Growing up was strange. Yeah, it sounds like it. Texas. Southern gals, any incest people that you know? Where are you from?

I'm from Maryland, which is south of the Mason-Dixon line, but was in the Union side of the war. Oh, very good. Well, good for you. I feel comfortable saying the N-word about 15 times a day because I'm from a union state. You know the Mason-Dixon line is in Pennsylvania? Isn't that something? Too high. Get rid of it.

It's too high in the country. It's too high. Let's get that shit. Sign a petition. Lower it down. Let's just put it in Florida somewhere. Just get rid of the Mason-Dixon line and let's get slaves. Finally.

Because that's the only thing keeping them out. I'll be a slave. I'm down. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. I'm down. He'll eat all your corn and shit in all your buckets. He's a good slave.

30 bucks. 30 bucks for holding? Yeah. Hold. Did you not listen to what he does? He doesn't do any work. Oh, yeah, but I'll sit good. Oh, my God.

I'm sitting good. He sits, shits, and eats all your corn. Absolutely. Come on, look at him. Nah. Who wouldn't want to wake up to that? Does anyone want to buy him for $35? No.

You're stuck with him now. It's hard enough that I have to have him for free. You're lucky if you get 10 for him, bro. All right. A nickel. A nickel for Marcus's slave. You got him for my life, Marcus. It's really sad.

Looks like we're going to have to put you down. Put a skunk costume on him. Release him in the wild. Someone will shoot him. At least fuck him first. Please, fuck me first. Fuck me. Fuck me.

I'm disgusted. Well, good, because it's time for Pedophile Corner. Oh, squirt, squirt. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Is this a regular segment? Yeah, it is a regular segment.

We're going to hit the pinata before we tell the story. We canned it for a while. A spy cam pervert who filmed up schoolgirls' skirts has been banned from every supermarket in Scotland at lunchtime. At lunchtime. It is just... Why are there so much clowns? It's almost noon.

Could you please wait outside? Yeah, he's banned from being in a supermarket between noon and two. You can get the kids that are skipping school because they're bad, so you can shoot up their skirts all you want. Oh, because they don't wear panties, those fucking whores. Oh, yeah, I know the rebel girls. What about after school? He's fine.

It's only between noon and two. During field hockey practice. Yeah. After school, he's fine. It's only between noon and two. During field hockey practice. Yeah, McCall appeared at Perth Sheriff Court after using a camera disguised as a car key fob to record 11 videos of girls and young women in an ASDA in the city. Man, you know, the worst part about this is that all the girls are Scottish.

Because they're disgusting. Right, right, right, right. Hairy pussies. I know what you're talking about. They never brush their pussies. Yeah. No, it's their fault. You have to have a good comb over for your pussy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, a security staff officer was... I like that girl with the greasy pussy. The man, his name is Gerald McCall. And by the way, let's get a look at this guy. Oh my God! He shouldn't be allowed in any sort of public establishment. And by the way, I's get a look at this guy. Oh, my God! He shouldn't be allowed in any sort of public establishment. And by the way, I'm going to scroll down.

Look at this man's stance. He's dainty. Yeah, he's got a cool jean. Why does that guy need to do anything creepy? He can get it all he wants. Oh, yeah, with that receding hairline and terrible nose. I think he's the grown-up version of all the ugly babies we saw on that other website. Yeah, most likely.

Oh, man. A very not severe punishment. How would he do it? Did he have video cameras on his shoes? The grown-up version of all the ugly babies we saw on that other website. Yeah, most likely. Oh, man. A very not severe punishment. So what did he do? Did he have video cameras on his shoes? It was with a key ring. He had a camera on his key ring. He was spotted by a security staffer lurking in the sweetie aisle. Yeah, because he looks about 6'5".

Yeah. Now, two shoppers saw him kneel down beside a schoolgirl aged 12 to 14 with a key ring camera pointing up at her skirt. They were alarmed and pulled the girl away. They followed the accused to an area where a large amount of similarly aged girls were located. The shoppers continued to follow him around the confectionery section

where the girls were congregated. They were all in school uniform. Each time he was in close proximity to the school girls, he was seen to kneel beside them and attempt to video up their skirts. He had this really intelligent spy technology, and then he did it in the most obvious way. Dumb way. Ridiculous.

The way that they dealt with it, too. It's like, I had a guy that was taking a picture of a dress that I was wearing. And you were like, you want a better view? Yeah, and I had no idea. I also had tights on, which didn't make any sense. It was like, so what are you fucking taking a picture of?

And this like big dude saw him doing it and like hit him back into his seat because I didn't realize because it was like a busy train and he's like,

he's like, what the fuck, man? What the fuck do you think you're gonna fucking see? He's like, why are you fucking, he's like,

were you fucking pervert? Were you fucking pervert? And started like pushing him up against the door and then when the doors opened in the next stop he like pushed him out and he's like don't get back on this fucking train motherfucker and then like but he's still got a picture of your hoo-ha he did but there was nothing to take a picture of yeah and also like

all of it he turned around and just started jacking off i'm just like what the fuck is the point of these upskirt shots it's like not hot at all it's just a bunch of like skin and whatever and like at least like i mean i feel like i understand more i know it's still disgusting but in like a toilet it's like at least you're gonna see their like vagina uh-oh we have confession time oh my god okay you were the man taking pictures of jackie's pussy i have to admit okay when it's summertime And you're walking up the subway Stairs I'm not a pervert

Or on a Sunday I always look To be like oh I'm going to see a girl And then I'm like I see it and I'm like yeah Good Marie good I got that That's exactly how we feel.

And that's normal. I think that's fine. He's like playing spy. Like he's not a pervert. Yeah, yeah. It's more about the rush of it. Like you get it. More of the fact that they're like 12.

Are she wearing Monday underwear or like stars or like floorplates? What's Monday underwear? You know, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. What day is it? Oh, I had those underpants. Sunday. Yeah, I had the day of the week. I wear like Monday through Sunday underwear.

Just the same pair of underwear. It's really sad. Multiple Mondays, multiple Sundays. I just have January, February and March. You're so bad! You're so bad! I'm wearing my 2011 underwear still. Back in middle school, there was a buddy of mine, Woody Freeman.

He got suspended because he glued mirrors to his shoes. See, that's hilarious. Yeah, that is classy and I like it. I appreciate that. Like big clown shoes with mirrors on them that honk when you step down under a pussy. That guy is for me. I would love to see it.

If I saw someone doing that and catching them, I'd be like, that's a good idea. That's a really good idea. Can I borrow those shoes? There's a guy in Dumbo who's been doing that and there's flyers up all over the subway station Because someone was filming With their iPhone up girls skirts

So somebody took a picture of the guy And made all these flyers And posted them all over the subway station And the kid is like 16 Like private school kid Like really cute like white kid He's just curious It's probably playing that game

Like what's she wearing? That's great. I would knock that guy out. I would like, yeah. I would knock his face off. Yeah. Well, before we... You wouldn't like it?

You wouldn't be flattered at all if a man was taking sweet pictures of your pussy? Those, you have to pay for those. You have to actually get something out of that. You just want to sell. You want to be a real prostitute. Yeah, just like that is, you know, fuck that. I deserve competition. You don't get to see that for free.

That ain't free. Yeah, yeah, it's not free. Oh, that's great. You got to buy me dinner first. Yeah. You can pay installments. Just really happy I have a chance to date you, Marie, because I fucking always have mirrors on my shoes.

Looking up sweet, sweet. All right, we're cutting them off. Okay, well. All right. Before we get to a song from the reformed... Why is everyone in here naked? It's so hot. Well, before we get to

a song from the reformed whores, we have some music news. Camp Disco Icons, the village people, stunned fans by insisting there were no gay overtones to their music. Apparently, they're not gay. No.

They are gay. After all this time? That's just how gay the 80s were. That's just the 80s. How desperate are they for some news? Yeah, they're going the opposite way. That they're like, oh, we're not gay. I mean, come on.

No one's going to write about you. Raining men. Macho man. They didn't do raining men. Those were women. The weather girls. That was the weather girls. What about the song Fuck You, I'm Gay?

That was definitely a gay song. No, man. The cop is gay. And the indie is gay. You don't remember that one? That's okay. Ah, yeah. You don't remember that one? That's okay. We're joking. We're homosexuals. And now for our next new hit.

It's called Take It All. In the butt. Take it all. Take it hard. In the butt. Why? I mean, that's kind of ridiculous what they would say. It's the dumbest thing.

And especially now. They're like, wait, wait,'s kind of ridiculous that they would say it. It's the dumbest thing. And especially now, they're like, wait, wait, wait. They think we're gay? Oh, hell no! Get now these rumors! And the Native American dude, his name is Felipe Rose. Yeah, he said

the group's just a party band. Hold on a second. Jackie, please, continue with your Native American impression. That was astonishing. It sounded like a mule getting milked by Marie. I was really, I was like feeling the earth, and I was feeling the spirits of man. Can we hear it one more time? Yeah.

Storm weather. Why is it raining men in here? English words. You should add a thundercloud to that. I will. Absolutely. Tom Tom. All right.

Now I think it's time for a song from the Reformed Whores. Reformed Whores, everybody. Our first musical guest. It's our first musical guest. Thank you. We're honored. It's perfect because my voice is almost gone. Oh, it's right in the...

It's sexy, though, right? Is this the first time you girls have performed not in your dresses? What do you mean we're not in our dresses? Of course we're not. Everyone's nude, like Nick said. We're wearing our plaid pants. I'm just taking my mirrors off my shoes. Don't need them.

Everyone's naked Speaking of YMCA And the village people We've got a couple songs for you And here's one of them Thank you, Ben Kissel When we first dated I was so elated

You took me out almost every night You romanced and pants on me sometimes You danced the three, you took me home and held me tight Lately I feel you've been pulling away Things I felt out of the norm So I snuck in your room and looked under your bed And I found your stash of gay porn I was quite shocked to find you like to get screwed from behind

But then it all started making sense Gary's been calling you, he took you to the Blue Lagoon And you haven't been the same ever since And I see, I see Why you've been avoiding me We've been playing but I look the other way And I tell our friends you're just busy Cause my heart's been loving you the same way that it did Since the first day that we met

One night you'll get drunk and admit that you're gay And I'll just pretend to forget I'll forget that you said you were gay So don't just get married and we'll start a family Cause straight guys haven't had much luck I'll do your dishes and I'll clean your laundry And you'll close your eyes when we fuck And I see, now I see

Why you've been avoiding me Don't know what I'm thinking but I'll take to drinking and we'll send the kids to therapy and I see now I see why you've been avoiding me I'll be your beard to hide that you're queer Your secret's safe with me Yeah! Oh man, I know that story. Can we hear one more? Yes. I also want to know,

was that song based on anybody's true experience other than Jackie's? Yes. What happened with to know, was that song based on anybody's true experience other than Jackie's? Yes. What happened with you? When I was in college, I asked this boy on a date and he was like, yeah, yeah, yeah,

totally, let's go. It's going to be really fun, whatever. And he kept being really busy and we couldn't quite make it work or whatever and so I kept kind of bugging him.

I was in that period where I was like calling and calling. I'm just going to keep calling him until he wants to hang up. You just went right to his voicemail.

This is gay Donnie. Leave a message. No, but I would call him and I was him until he wants to hang out. And. Just went right to his voicemail. This is gay Donnie. Leave message. No, but I like would call him and I was like, we need to get dinner. We need to get. And he was like, yes, definitely, definitely, definitely. And finally, one day I finally got him. He's like, OK, we can do it. I think we can do it this week.

I was like, well, how about Wednesday? He's like, Wednesday, my boyfriend's coming into town. And I was like, what? And he was like, oh, my boyfriend. And I was so embarrassed that I hadn't realized that he was gay. And he thought that I knew. Then I went on the date, whatever you want to call it, the dinner, with him anyway, where he proceeded to talk about how much he loved his ballet class

and was like, all this stuff. And I was like, mm-mm. And I was almost crying through the whole thing. Did he pay for dinner, at least? No, because he was like, we're just friends. Why would you pay for dinner if you're not sure to fuck? That's why gay guys have so much fucking money. He was sad.

Before you girls sing your next song, you got your first album coming out on Tuesday? Yes, yes. Our first album, Ladies Don't Spit, is coming out on... Songs that'll leave a good taste in your mouth. It's coming out on Tuesday, October 23rd, good taste in your mouth. Uh-huh. It's coming out on Tuesday, October 23rd, and I don't know when this is, Aaron. Tomorrow. So come on out tomorrow,

Tuesday, to the Bowery Electric. Doors at 7, show at 8, and we're playing with our full band. It's going to be really exciting. All y'all should come. Hell yeah. That's amazing. And Glynis McCarthy's hosting it.. It's going to be really exciting. All y'all should come. Hell yeah. That's amazing. And Glynis McCarthy's hosting it. Adam Newman's going to do a set.

And we got Poppy Tart, who is a burlesque dancer. Yeah, that's exciting. A little bit of nudity before we go on. That's how we like it. Nice. Yeah, a little bit after, too. Yeah. Yeah, girls.

Yeah, boys. Yeah. All right, another one from the Reformed Course. We're going to get real dirty. Yeah, real! Yeah! Alright, another one from the Reform Corps. We're going to get real dirty. Yeah, real, real dirty on you. Oh, please, thank you. This is Samantha. You all do it.

You're all going to do it right after this show, I bet. I'm not going to be surprised. Here we go. Ready? Yes. There seems to be a common misconception Around the subject of a ladies wreck And some people say that girls don't defecate But we're here to tell you that that ain't true

Girls do indeed go number two Yup, you heard us right, girls poop too Girls poop too This message is long overdue Whoever said we don't ain't got a clue Girls poop too this message is long overdue whoever said we don't ain't got a clue girls poop too don't be scared it's natural taint taboo and a fact's a fact it's true the girls poop too some girls try to hold it in others blame their stink on friends and some just sneak away to unload but one way or another brother brother, a girl has gotta drop that mother

Cause Lord knows if she didn't, she'd explode Girls poop too We hate to break the news to you But that and there ain't no chocolate fondue Girls poop too Don't need to hook up with mean poops too And a fact's a fact, it's true that girls poop too Break't leave the guppam Mean poops too And a fact's a fact It's true that girls poop too

Break it down, Marie Take it, Katie I like that last one. Thank you. I think I'm going to pass out. Ladies, stand up and be proud. If he walks into your far cloud, just look him in the eye and say, yeah, that was me. Drop those kids off at the pool.

Make a log, build a stool. Just be glad we don't go number three. What's that? I don't know. Girls poop too. We do what we gotta do. Do tootin' toots with our butt kazoo. Do-do! Girls poop too. A brown canoe is coming through.

And the fact's a fact, it's true. The girls poop too. The fact's a fact, it's true that girls poop too. A fact's a fact, it's true that girls poop too. Yeah. There we go. I am completely aroused. That was the greatest revelation of my life. I gotta say, guys, I cannot wait until your album comes out.

Just to tell you guys, you guys are my favorite musical comedy. They are amazing. So, so, so fucking good. I really do think number three would probably be puke, though. I think that was squirt. I was thinking something much different.

Most musical comedy fucking blows. You guys are awesome. It's number three? Don't you do that all the time? I feel like girls puke more often, though, than squirt. comedy fucking blows. You guys are awesome. Number three. Don't you do that all the time? I feel like girls puke more often, though, than squirt. You know what I mean? I did enjoy. That was the most feminine moment I've ever seen you have on the round table, Jackie.

No, we don't poop. You were trying to deny it. Oh, I did a waggle thing. No. It's the waggle. I love that waggle. I love wagg so. I gave him the waggle. I love that waggle. I love waggling boys while you sing. When you move, you go, no, no, no. Oh, no, no, no.

I did not do that. And I crush it up with my hands until it's me. All right. That's the roundtable. Jack and Zabrowski and Lars and Holden and Neely, thanks for being here, Nick. I'm Ben Kessel. Thanks for being here. The Reform Tour is wonderful.

Thank you for having us. You guys are awesome. Thank you. Bowery Electric on Tuesday night, and Marcus, of course. Thank you, buddy. Good stories. Thank you. You made the news again.

All right, guys. We'll talk to you soon. Go kill some girl skunks. Yeah, please. Shoot first. See if it's your fucking nephew. Whatever. What do you call them?

Nieces. Nieces. Good night. Shoot first. See if it's your fucking nephew. Whatever. What do you call them? Nieces. Nieces. Good night. Shoot first, see if it's your niece later. Whatever. Good night. Goodbye.