The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 120: I'm on the Devil's Edge

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 120th episode of the Round Table: a gynecologist in Germany is charged with holding hundreds of illegal weapons and photos of his patient's vaginas, a rogue monkey in Florida is finally caught after two years of the lam, and an avid gamer is beat to death for his rare collection of Magic: The Gathering cards, plus Holden's girlfriend Lexi joins us in the Hut.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Orange, Yellow. Those are the only things that he knows. That is the only thing filling his brain. Orange is not yellow. No. Keep it down about your fucking pumpkin.

Everybody, please close your eyes for motherfucking guided meditation. I'm asleep. You are inside my beloved Lexi's mouth. Lexi, be fine with this, Lexi. You are swimming around. Oh, what to do?

She's now me mom. So there's fun. Oh my god. And there you're getting around the tonsils. Take them out, baby. Take them out. Does your mom not have tonsils? Now you're a, baby. Take them out. Does your mom not have tonsils? Now you're a floating baby.

What does it feel like? Does baby need a wipe? I don't know if he does. Just decide for yourself. It's your meditation. Now you're falling fast. You're falling fast. Oh, where's the balloons?

They're under your sweet ass. Sweet ass balloons caressing your own ass. They're going to pop. They're going to pop. They're going to pop. Now there's breasts involved somehow. Oh, they don't pop. So you've got to find how the breasts get involved. Burning building storm crashing Sandy.

What do you do? What happened? you lost power bitch it's quiet now the dead silence of death skeletons and fucking dicks and stuff now you're

in the flame of the devil what does he say flint that means Now you're in the flame of the devil. What does he say? Lentos flain! That means, uh, let's dance, toots. You're the prettiest picture of the ball. You dance with the devil.

What is even happening? I have lost the ability to imagine what is happening. You're dancing with the devil in the flames of hell. Okay, that clears it up. You're having fun. He got you a sausage of some sort. You're eating on that. Is it hot or sweet?

It's cold and fruitless. Yeah, what song are we dancing to? Oh, you're dancing to Deviling Tiptoe Through the Window. Oh, I love it. Tiptoe through the window. And now he banishes you away. You're too ugly for hell and you're back here at the round table of gentlemen. Very good meditation.

I had this crazy fucking guided meditation where I met like I think Ed's mom. It was really weird. Welcome to the round table. Who's everybody here? Jackie Zabrowski. Cuckoo raccoons. Cuckoo raccoons. Cuckoo raccoons. It's Crazy Raccoons.

Oh, I see. The cuckoo raccoons. That's the funniest thing I've heard all day. Interesting. Ed Larson. Hold it, McNeely. I'm not topping Jackie. We're moving on.

All right. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett Yo what's up Henry Zabrowski I got my podcast pumpkin He literally has a pumpkin He has a pumpkin He's been handling this pumpkin

For the past 15 minutes Don't you try to take My pumpkin from me It's my baby On the last podcast episode He talked about Wanting to fuck a pumpkin And now he has a pumpkin

In his arms So you imagine What's gonna be happening later Because we were sponsored By Adam and Eve That's right We'll talk about that in a second. In the chug-a-lot, we have Holden McNeely's girlfriend.

That's right. A woman is fucking the man that you just heard give you a guided meditation and she is with us tonight. And she is so much better than Holden McNeely. Unbelievably much better. No goiters, no warts or wartses. She's a beautiful woman. Thanks for being here, Lexi. Thank you for having me. I'm terrified.

No, no, don't be. I honestly think that you should be. I think this is going to affect your relationship. I know, it's negative. I don't know why you brought her in here, Holden. So are you more terrified now than when you actually have sex with Holden? Yeah, because when we have sex, I make this noise. So I'm surprised. I just

block it out. Lexi, where do you go in your brain? And Marcus is here This is much more real Lexi where do you go In your brain And Marcus is here With the news Lexi where do you go In your brain When you have sex

With Holden Just away It's for the best I wish I could find That piece Being with Holden Is like being with A six foot water weenie

That's true Only you want to Eat the water weenie I usually imagine it as being like a washboard with a fucking sack of granola tied to the top of it with fucking umbilical cord.

But if that granola eventually came all over you and then you were like, ooh. It had a fire alarm as a head. Right, right, right, right. No, Lexi,

you're a strong woman and we love you and thank you so much for making our friend a better person because you've done wonderful things for him. I mean, just look at him. Blood. Alright,

Marcus, give us some news, bud. Police have discovered a gynecologist was storing nearly 1,000 guns as well as keeping photos of his patient's private parts. Nah. Alright, hold on. He just owned guns, first of all. I mean, every gynecologist has... 1,000 guns? guns First of all A thousand guns?

So what? The guy likes guns He's a doctor He's a really good gun collector Jay Leno has a thousand cars, no one says shit to him Did he kill anybody? He's fine, he just owns a lot of guns And he owns pictures of the pussies? Guess what, he takes care of these pussies

And he should know what they fucking look like That's actually true. He should be memorized. He should know what you... I think by this point, he's looked at so many vaginas, he could look at you and know what your vagina looks like without even looking. This doctor should get a goddamn raise. This fucking office is secure. No one's looking at those pussy pictures except for the fucking cops. He's in

TV. Wow. And he has them outgunned. It's a good point, Ed. Good point. No one can argue with it. Ed, I'll tell you what. If you're gonna have a lot of things, a lot of one thing, what are you going to have? I mean, guns. No, but it can't be guns and it can't be pussies, Eddie. Cheeseburgers. Yeah.

That would have been a real crime. I'd love to go to Ed's place and check out his cheeseburger collection, man. That'd be fucking amazing. Don't you get too close. Don't you get too close. The problem is, I just also imagine the smell of the rotting cheeseburgers that come from the closet. I got too many. I got too many.

Why are you Indian, Ed? Why have you turned brown? Well, he's a doctor. I would be fine with having a picture of my pussy taken. But here's what you would not be fine with. Here's the question. What if you were one of his patients that did not have their pussy taken a picture of? Yeah, you were too ugly.

He's a... Oh, yeah, that's true. You know, if your pussy is so disgusting that he will not put... He logs all the pussies, whether he likes them or not. You think so? Absolutely. It's his fucking job. I bet he doesn't take pictures of the pussies where the inner lips come outside of the outer lips.

I know what you're talking about there. You know, the roast beef curtains. Reptilian. Not that that's so bad, but I wouldn't want to look at it. How do you know what this guy prefers? He obviously likes all kinds of crazy shit. You know what? I can give you some insight into it.

He's German. All right! Poo-poo pussy! He definitely has roast beef curtains. No, I think it's the opposite. He likes them short and organized. I wouldn't be too surprised if there were a couple of sideways mouths in there. Yeah, absolutely.

Horrible grins. Well, if you look over at the video screen, here's a sampling of his gun collection. Fucking awesome. He's very organized. I feel that if it is that organized, it's okay. If that was just a bunch of guns in a cardboard box in the back of his shed,

that's scary. That is scary. That guy just has a great gun collection. Yeah, it's rolling. Are they all in his name name or are they illegal guns? They're all, uh, he owns them all legally. Then what the fuck is the problem? You arrest this guy.

The problem is that in Germany you are not allowed to take pictures of pussies. Oh, this is Germany. This is where Germany's cracking down. Yeah, yeah. This is fucking bullshit. He's not shoving his fist up inside of a pussy. He's just taking a picture of the pussy. It was for the German version of Instagram.

Instagram. Instagram. The last thing everyone would be on is Instagram. Jesus Christ. All bondage fucking ass shit. Pictures of fucking raw shit. Yeah. This is a piece of shit I put in a burrito.

This is a piece of shit I wrapped up in another tortilla. It's all Mexican. I'm in Mexico. I only I put in a burrito. This is a piece of shit I wrapped up in another tortilla. It's all Mexican. I'm in Mexico. I only live next to a Mexican restaurant. He literally can only think of the things that are in the restaurant that he's in at the time. This is a piece of shit I dip with a chip. This is like, you ever try to hum another song while listening to a song? Yeah, it's just him trying to imagine foods.

Contamoli! That's good. I like Contamoli. Contamoli. I think that's the name of your first album. Your comedy album. Contamoli! I would put a mole on the end. Well, there's a tiny

little story within this story about another gynecologist who was busted. About a mouse that went from the country to the city. He's a country mouse living in a city house. In July, Antonio Gabato, a con man who worked in Britain posing as a GP, an NHS doctor and a gynecologist, a pediatrician and a psychiatrist was jailed for five years. He called himself the Big Bad Wolf and used a cosmetic spatula to intimately examine patients. This guy is a much worse person than the other guy. He gave himself a bad nickname.

The Big Bad Wolf. Yeah, that's a scary nickname to give yourself. When I said cosmetic spatula, I heard an audible gasp from Lexi over there. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Lexi, what is a cosmetic spatula? I don't know,p from Lexi over there. Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Lexi, what is a cosmetic spatula? I don't know, but I can only imagine that it's terrible. It's a

lady's spatula. A spatula up inside of your vagina? This guy just seems to be flipping my pussy. He's just flipping it constantly. Basically what he does is he has the girl sit on flypaper and then he tries to scoop it up. Oh, that's awful! That's torture. It's Germany's best deli though

You gotta go there You gotta scrape off all the brown bits First a make them then a scrape them That sounds good Has any gal in here Ever had a bad gyno experience Interesting It's never fun

It does seem like an awfully invasive process. The worst part is that when they, the pap smear, they take a really long Q-tip and they put a big clamp inside of you and they shove it open so that like really

they crank it open and they like dilate you and they shove a really long spatula up inside your uterus. And then they scrape the sides of your uterus. It's a pap smear. Little pap smear. But it feels like it's inside of your brain. It's like nails on a chalkboard when they do it.

You see, when I go to the man butt doctor, they're like, you just shake hands and both agree that you're fine. So we're good? Yeah, you don't have to look at that. You just shake hands and both agree that you're fine. I have gotten a little STD test. A little boop up your dick hole. We've heard this story. I've talked about this. That's all that happened. I had it done multiple times.

It's like checking a snake's throat. Horrible pain. With a spoon. They're called one of the dipsticks, right? Yeah, yeah. Q-tips. The things they shove up your dick? Dipsticks, aren't they?

No, that would be a horrible trucker way of saying it. Dipstick. That's where the term comes from. You're about a quart low. Yeah, it's a dipstick. I think you have a McClure. When I went, though, to make it all better, the doctor was like, I'll put mine out so that you'll feel more comfortable with yours out.

So that sort of helped the whole process. Yeah, exactly. And they taught. I only go to female gynecologists, though. No, I actually used to only go to female gynecologists. Asian man, I know this. I go to an Asian man and he's very awkward. Yuck! Why did you let him touch you? Because Asian men are sexless. Asian men are like that.

Sexless? Asia? They have two billion people in China. Might as well have a dog as a doctor. Edward, Edward, that's ridiculous. Ladies and gentlemen, I want to apologize. We're sponsored by adamandeve.com That is a ridiculous statement. No, don't bark.

Don't bark. That is a racist statement. You want me to take off my panties? Oh, hey. And by the way, Ben, it would be a good idea if you didn't follow the most offensive statement of the show so far with the name of our fucking sponsor! Hey, Ben! I'm just trying to draw

hits to their website. CCR on checkout. He would be a dog doctor if he was what he ate. All right, well... That was from he ate. Alright, well. That was from the pumpkin. That was from the pumpkin.

And what is the pumpkin's name? Jesus Christ. Robert. Robert. Robert the pumpkin. Robert the pumpkin. He is very mean. Robert, what do you like most about Henry? I like his funny face and his cute little feet.

That's not mean, Robert. And I like his long croc. He's got a big old ding-a-dee-da. Oh, my God. And I like that about him. Someone get the pumpkin away from him. I know, this pumpkin is so sad. Get Robert out of the room.

I think it's actually getting wet. It's sort of crying on the outside. It's my actor performer spit is getting on it. Yes. Well, that's good. Do you ever get wet in the gyno, Jax? You have to. Okay.

Let's move on. Not in a good way. You have to get wet because they lube you up so they can shove everything inside of you. Yeah, and then they put a baby up in you just to see how it would be. What? And then they pull it out. No, it's weird, though, because it's very similar to after you have sex, except it's a very sad,

empty feeling, because after you leave the gynecologist... Oh, I thought you were fully fulfilled. You leak the gel that they put inside of you, so it just gets all in your pants.

That's why Lexi calls Holden, Holden Gynecologist. Mr. Gyne. Wait, so you're not supposed to have a sad, empty feeling after you have sex? Oh. I've never had sex with Holden, so I don't know what it's like.

Is this an urban myth or not? Do they have you guys sit in a bucket of lube and then you suck in your breath and then let it out and it shoots up inside of you? That's how you baste a turkey. That's exactly it. But they use the actual turkey baster.

They take it and they shove it inside. That's why you can only go during Thanksgiving. Oh, I see. You want real turkey grease up in there. Absolutely. Is it true they paint themselves gray like a gargoyle and stand in the corner of the room so you don't think they're there? That's the apprentice. You have to scream during the examination or it doesn't work.

You passed. Congratulations, you've just had a pap smear. Next news story. A paralyzed former U.S. Army veteran in uniform was assaulted by a Marine in a pink tutu who thought he was pretending to be a wounded soldier in Halloween costume. So funny. Great costume. That's so funny. Great costume. Oh, man.

That must have been Bedford Avenue very badly. Very, very badly. Where was it, Marcus? This was in Florida. Yeah! Florida. Florida. Florida.

Come on down where the sun shines and Marines get beat. They got no legs anyway. Here's a picture of the Marine with his girlfriend. He's got a gorgeous girlfriend. Well, he's in a wheelchair, Henry. He's in what you're going to be in soon. I feel like he should dress as something else, like Mickey Mouse or something. But he's already got the Marine outfit.

Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair, you've got to go with something fucking cooler than a wounded Marine. That's what you are every other day. You go as Professor X? Yeah. You go as a man in a chair? Wheels! Whatever you mean! Mr. Marine?

But that's what he is! Have you guys seen Monkey Shines on Netflix? Yo, I love Monkey Shines. Monkey Shines is about a quadriplegic that has a monkey that has been genetically altered to help him, but he eventually murders other people. He should have gone as that guy!

Well, it would have been a great explanation that he would have told a thousand people at the party you went to. Here is an interesting detail, though. The Marine in the wheelchair was not injured in combat. He was injured in an unrelated accident. In a dick-sucking contest. That doesn't mean you shouldn't get the shit beaten out of him. Hold it.

How do you hurt your legs in a dick-sucking contest? You lose. Well, you didn't make me cum, and I got this bad. Are wheelchairs people's height registered by them sitting in the chair? Like, they measured sitting in the chair, or are they measurable laid out? They nail their shirt tops to the wall. You gotta wear a real strong, like, Under Armour-type shirt when you go to the doctor that day, so it can withhold.

Chain mail. Yeah, it's how Jesus got heightened in weight as well. Every doctor's office, you're just dumped out of the chair and then nailed to the wall. Excellent, excellent. Legs still at work? Help me, help me. Just like, ah, you were six foot tall. Six foot tall standing. I'm about to chain to the wall. Three foot eleven.

Do you remember when you were six foot tall? Do you remember? Oh,'m on a chain to the wall. Three foot eleven. Do you remember when you were six foot tall? Do you remember? Oh, you only weigh seven pounds. That's weird. Oh, it's because you're being held up by the nails.

Gotta figure out a new way to be a doctor. And here's a picture of the Marine. So he was wearing a tutu? Yes, this Marine was wearing a pink tutu. And he was looking

for a fight. A douchebag. This is what happens though. When you dress really feminine as a man on Halloween, the douchebags always end up starting to fight around 1am because they're really drunk. At first it's fun. Everyone's getting wild and quirky, having some brews.

Same with fucking SantaCon, man. Which is my best day of the world. You put people in a costume and they want to fucking be a douchebag. You put people in a costume and feed them booze at 11 a.m. starting at... It's just amateur hour. It's just anybody who is in a constant alcoholic just shouldn't drink ever. This is why they should be letting Marines drink more.

Absolutely. I just want to say, would that not make you better at killing? Absolutely. If you're drunk? Yeah. I've killed most of my compassion with alcohol. Yeah. Yeah, and I've killed

a whole bunch of boxes of devil dogs. I forgot about it. SantaCon is like the worst. It's coming up, man. Explain what SantaCon is for people outside of New York. It started only a few years ago, right? A bunch of douchebags dressed up in Santa Claus costumes,

bridging down a crowd, meet up in a spot, and go bar hopping all day starting at like 10am. And it gives them license to be the shittiest human beings in the world. It's like St. Patrick's Day, but for more idiots. Yeah. And then if you go to the hospital during Santa Con or at

any point, you will look at an emergency room filled with people dressed like Santa Claus bleeding from their head. Because they all beat the shit out of each other. It's like St. Patrick's Day in Hoboken. It's like the Neanderthals versus the cavemen over there. I mean, it's a fun holiday, though, in a lot of ways, the SantaCon thing.

In theory, it sounds great. It was probably really cool when it first started, and now it's just the worst thing that ever happened. Yeah, it does get a little bit douchey. It's a lot filled with sexy Santa girls. Every guy who's ever taken a picture of themselves

in a bathroom with an iPhone in the bathroom mirror, that's who attends Santa Claus. Every one of those guys. So we used to have, we had one of those things in Lubbock that we started

that kind of turned into a douchebag festival. It was called Tour de Tech Terrace. I thought you were going to say eat your ankle. Yeah, it was like kick a dog to death Tuesday.

I was going to go with Blackface. We were all hoping it wouldn't catch on, but oh boy. Oh boy, you just don't even be a dog on that day. Marcus, I'm sorry. We were wrong. Oh, I understand. What was yours? Yeah, what was it, Marcus?

I understand completely. It was a great thing. It was called Tour de Tech Terrace. It was a very elaborate drinking game where there was this one neighborhood in Texas Tech called Tech Terrace, or in Lubbock, Texas, called Tech Terrace. And what the game was, that there were ten

houses along a route. And at every house, you would chug a beer, smoke some weed, take some shots, whatever, and then you'd move on to the next house. It started with like thirty of us. And it was fun as fuck. How is this different than every other day in Texas? Not much. This time it was organized. You move from place to place.

Oh, you move. It moves. Yeah, and it goes all day and it's a lot of fun. And now, like, they have police escorts. Yeah. What? Yeah, because it ended up, it went from like 20 of us to 40 of us to over 100 and then over like 200. And girls were getting raped and people were getting their shit beat out of them.

I don't think anyone got raped. I don't know, man. It's hard to rape a woman on a bicycle. Have any of you done it? Well, the bicycle does work. Pull her off the bicycle. I'm scared to death of bicycles. Do unicycles count?

Yes. All right, then fine. I like to set up nets and I catch girls when they run. Like butterflies. The pumpkin gave me that idea. Rip off their wings. I have a big collection of my favorite girls and the pumpkin

chooses which one gets its turn. What does the pumpkin usually choose? What type of girl, Henry? The big one. Whichever's the biggest one. Is the pumpkin just interested in girls that look like me? No, no, no. Like your sister? No, no. Bigger than me.

Bigger than you. Big tall woman. Bigger than the pumpkin or bigger than Henry? Bigger than the pumpkin. So a small girl will do. Yeah. Alright, let's move on to the next news story. It's time for monkey news. I'm a monkey.

Don't touch me. I'm a monkey. Ah, ah, ah. A wild monkey that gained notoriety for wandering around Tampa Bay, Florida for two years before attacking a 60-year-old woman earlier this month. Has now been elected mayor. Wow. Not bad. Successful monkey.

Has finally been captured. That's too bad. Let him go. He was the Robin Hood of monkeys. He kept stealing from rich monkeys and giving to the poor monkeys. Everyone knows that that old fucking lady was deserving of walking around in their goddamn little skirt. Sashaying around with bananas in her shoes.

Waiting for a monkey to come push her down. That's right. Someone told Wendy not to buy those banana shoes, but she didn't listen, did she? Wildlife officials caught the rickus macaque on Wednesday on a loan. What? What did they do? Oh, wait a second.

Rewind. A rhesus macaque. A rhesus macaque. Oh. A rhesus macaque. It's like when your cock wants to go out after fourth period and wants to hang out

on the swing sets and shit. A rhesus macaque. A rhesus macaque. Like your cock's covered in peanut butter and chocolate. A rhesus macaque. I think he said rhesus macaque,

so it's like, oh, it rhesus macaque. Wildlife officials caught the rhesus macaque. That was he said Reekus macaque so it's like, oh, it Reekus macaque. Wildlife officials caught the Reese's macaque. That was the pumpkin's joke. That was good. They caught the Reese's macaque on Wednesday on a low tree branch following a five hour stakeout in South St.

Petersburg. Wow. You come out of that house, monkey! Deal with other crime. Are you an amazing cop or the worst cop on the beat to get on the monkey beat? Is that the greatest job that you can have or the worst? I think that goes to the cop who did the best the week before. You have to

find the monkey. Yeah. Man, you just gotta bring in a nana. Why didn't you just fucking call me, man? You take out a nana, the monkey comes to you, you get the monkey. Is that street slang for a banana? Or like a grandmother? Because I'm not sure what you're saying. Yeah, man, you get the monkey. Is that street slang for a banana? Or like a grandmother? Because I'm not sure what you're saying.

Yeah, man, you get the nana, man. That sounds fun. It's apostrophe nana. And if you were a cop how would you catch a rogue monkey? With a gun usually is the best way.

You just shoot it so you don't really catch it. Macawks are very dangerous. You dress up as a lady monkey and you go you put a monkey suit on and you dress. And you say, Rick is my cock.

You pour some sugar on me. Is that a dead or sleeping monkey? It's sleeping. They shot him with a tranquilizer. The monkey was shot with a tranquilizer dart, and officials waited for its effects to set in. But the monkey ran off, leading to a chase for 50 to 100 yards. Oh, how'd the cops ever find him? Oh, man. Fucking tough chase for 50 to 100 yards. Oh, how'd the cops ever find him? Oh, man.

Fucking tough chase for those fat bastards. What was the chase? Yeah, that's not a chase. That was nothing. That's like a kickoff return. Yeah. Only if you know the person that's about to catch the ball is going to immediately pass out.

The capture was much simpler than initial plans to lure the monkey with companionship and food. That's Henry's idea. That's how you get a girlfriend, am I right? Or a tranquilizer gun. First by using a female monkey, and then Doc, a one-year-old male sitting inside a trap with fruit. Well, he was not a charming monkey. Yeah.

What if... What's it? Did you say Jew monkey? I know, I did not a charming monkey. Yeah. What's it? Did you say Jew monkey? I know. I did not say Jew monkey. You said Jew monkey. It sounded like Jew monkey. I meant to say Uncle Tom monkey because he's sitting in the cage working for the man.

Yeah, he certainly was. So what did this macaque do to the old lady? He, let's see here. You saw monkey. Jesus Christ. I'll get to that. Another plan that authorities had tried was enticing him with bananas, but he always nabbed the fruit and ran off.

I want a chunky monkey. Did they learn everything from Acme? This is cartoon shit. Were the cops the fat boys? This is ridiculous. These are the dumb the fat boys? This is ridiculous. These are the dumbest ideas ever to get a monkey. He threw a banana at a monkey. Right.

And then the monkey took the banana, and he's like, oh, man. Yeah, he's like, I go to a lot of strip clubs. They love $1 bills. Monkeys love bananas. So I just throw a banana, and then the fucking monkey's going to come to us. We'll put a banana into a helicopter helmet. He'll try to eat it. The helicopter helmet we're going to attach to his head.

He'll fly up in the air. We can catch it. Wait a second. Tony, won't that make it harder for us to catch him because he'll be like flying in the air? No, no, no. It's like we'll get like one of those big planes with like mouths on them. Guys, guys, guys. This is at least a $20 million investigation here.

I think all of us have far too many curly Q mustaches on to choose what we should do with this monkey. It wasn't for those meddling kids. The monkey would have been captured.

The banana effort came two weeks ago after a woman was attacked by the animal as she sat on her porch. The animal jumped on the woman and began

scratching and biting her, proving theories put forward by experts that its interaction with humans would eventually lead to dangerous behavior. Hearing her mother's screams from inside, the woman's daughter rushed outside to her aid, grabbing the monkey by its legs and flinging it across the garden before it scampered away. Scammered. Oh, wow.

But there was a monkey on a porch, right? Yeah. Which is very, very interesting. So if you were driving by... What would be the scientific name for a monkey like that that was on a porch? You would have to call it a porch monkey. But it's not racist. It's just one of the few times in life...

It's on a porch. Porch monkey. That porch monkey deserved to be killed. You're a racist. And then you have to convince all of your friends. No, killed. You're a racist. And then you have to convince all of your friends. No, dude, there's a monkey? It's an actual monkey. On a porch.

I mean, you got to constagram that one. It's like Coon's age. Nope. Coon's age is not racist. It's not racist when you're asking how old a raccoon is. Oh, that Coon's age is 14. All right, then. Well, white man from town, you're fine.

I think the main moral of the story is we are not raccoons. Coon's age! Coon's age! Seven! No, no, I don't understand your racism. No, I'm asking the age. Well, the woman, there is a monkey on a porch is all I'm saying. The daughter who flung the monkey off of the porch said she could hear the clicking of teeth.

The porch monkey surprised me at first. Because I couldn't see him in the night because of his dark, dark complexion. Right, sure, sure. Well, now we're teetering on the edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say that macaque is very light. It's not heavy and full. That's a pumpkin joke.

Yeah, that's a good joke. Thank you, pumpkin. You're going to get fucked by Henry later. And members of the South St. Petersburg community refer to the monkey as the mystery monkey of Tampa Bay. Oh, God. I mean, the whole thing.

We gotta end it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't let me make that joke. It's too bad. It's just too white in here. It's just so sad. Where's Kevin when you need him? That's like 20 minutes from where Henry and I grew up, too. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Black is night. What is that? It doesn't matter. Weird thing for you to see. All right, all right. And you don't have a pumpkin. Next story.

A pastor is accused of... A pastor accused of beating and strangling a neighbor to fulfill a sexual fantasy, was engaged to the victim's mother, and had asked church members to pray for the young woman before police found her body. Ex-convict John D. White from Michigan told

investigators that after killing 24-year-old Rebecca Gay in her trailer in rural Isabella County, White killed Gay!. White killed Gay! Pastor White killed Gay! It's a white-on-white crime, which is a sad irony.

After he killed her in her trailer, he hid her body in nearby woods, then returned to the trailer to dress her three-year-old son in a Halloween costume. Not macab, but all. No. White told investigators he repeatedly struck Gay's head with a mallet,

then strangled her with a zip tie. Oh, okay. He said he stripped her body, but does not remember if he carried out his fantasy of having sex with Gay's dead body. Well, we'll find out, sure enough. If he really doesn't remember, that's very sad. If you have the fantasy...

That means he tried, but he couldn't get hard. You think so? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you have the fantasy of killing and fucking a dead body, you only get that

opportunity once, right? So if you can't put that in the Spank Bank, that's very sad. Unless you're a smart businessman or a scientist or you work at a morgue. If you live in a trailer park,

you're getting busted immediately. Here's the man right here. Oh, okay. Guilty. Yeah, definitely guilty. He's a white fella. He's got nice little glasses and a big puffy nose. What did he dress the child up as?

A little priest? That's how you grow up, just like me. Oh, she was actually very attractive. What was she doing living in a trailer park? There's a lot of hot girls that live in trailers. Not a lot. Yeah, there is. Yeah, there are.

You, sir, obviously did not grow up in trailers. Not a lot. Yeah, there are. You, sir, obviously did not grow up in Texas. Well, that is true. There's plenty of hot girls. Have you ever fucked a girl in a trailer? Have I? In a trailer? Yeah. I've fucked a girl in a camper trailer. Not in like a double. I've never fucked a girl in a double wide. Right, right.

Well, then you lose five Texas points. That's not good. He's only down to 14 billion. What about an outhouse? No. Oh, have you ever beat off toilets?

I've jerked off in an outhouse, but I've never... Yeah, I was about to say, have you beat off an outhouse? Five Texas points. Yeah! Got him back.

He's right there. Lexi, what do you want to be fucked by more? In a trailer or in an outhouse? What is more appropriate? A trailer. A trailer.

It's a little bit nicer. It's a home. It's a semi-home. It's not actively filled with shit 24-7. It's not a glorified porta potty. Let's say the porta potty has never been used, though. A porta potty is a glorified outhouse. A fresh porta potty.

A fresh one. Holden's down there. Yeah. So you're not having sex with Holden.ty. A fresh one. Holden's down there. Yeah. So, whenever... Yeah. So, you're not having sex with Holden. Okay. But he is there. So, be relieved. Be relieved. It's someone new. It's someone new. Yeah. No, still a trailer.

Still a trailer. Very interesting. She really loves you, Holden. Well, you have more space in the trailer. Exactly. People live in trailers. Yeah. Yeah. It's not that shocking. Half of us are going to end up in one. Yeah. Can't wait. All in the same one too. I'm going to end up alone on my houseboat.

That'll be fun. That's better than what's going to happen when probably me and Kissel end up in a trailer together. Oh, it'll be great. There are no cords anymore, but we're still talking to each other. Just don't invite me around during

bean night. I'll probably not care. It's always bean night, Holden. You'll come knocking when you get hungry enough. Once you get a smell of my fresh, fresh beans. That's pretty much when you open up the can. This guy was released from prison in 2007

after serving nearly 12 years for manslaughter and the death of a 26-year-old woman. Manslaughter? What about woman slaughter? So this is the second corpse he's fucked. Oh, wait a minute. White also was sentenced to probation for choking and stabbing a 17-year-old in 1981. I'm sorry, is he in prison?

Yeah. Well, it's Michigan. Ugh, Michigan's the worst. What is that? He is kind of an upstanding citizen. Yeah, this is like Battle Creek, Michigan. Michigan's fucking horrible. That kid was like formerly a mannequin who was brought

to life magically, and so that's how he explained it away. He's like, well, technically it's just like killing a mannequin. I just can't believe you choke and stab a woman and all he gets is probation. That's insane. And not just a woman, a 17 year old girl. Damn. What the fuck?

So, Ed, what's the best thing about Michigan? What's the best thing about Michigan? The fact that we can blow it up and it would just become part of Canada. That spirit would just float over to Canada. I was fairly certain that you could choke and stab a 17-year-old girl. I would say the best thing about Michigan is the fact that it's dying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's coming back, though, thanks to Barack Obama. Ah, Boban Romney. Whoa! What just happened? I'm going to beat you with my pumpkin. Whoa, pumpkin's getting mad. Pumpkin don't want to fuck you anymore, Henry.

Pumpkin's had a couple too many PBRs to be good at a podcast. Quote, unquote, he's too drunk to be good at a podcast. Quote, unquote, he's too drunk to be good at a podcast. Henry, win the pumpkin over. Henry, win your pumpkin over. I'll tell him. I'll tell him. Pumpkin, you better sober up if you want to be good enough

for our sponsors. Adam and Eve. I'm going to pumpkin's like, fuck them. And I'm like, pumpkin? Pumpkin, don't do that. The room is now Henry on one side and everyone else cowering in the corner. What is wrong with you? I'm fine.

That was a character. Oh, that was a character. Yeah, that's what you always say after, you know, bad things. What's going on? Pretty girl, pretty girl. That's just a character I was playing. You ain't gotta die.

She is gonna die though, Henry, because you're gonna fucking kill her. Jesus Christ. Speaking of death, the twin brothers accused of beating a journalist to death and encasing his body in concrete murdered him for his rare collection of magic game cards.

Oh no. Henry, did you do this? No. And here, if you look over here, here's the victim. He's got dreadlocks for days. Go to the round table of gentlemen Facebook page to see a victim of his putts.

Oh man, I love this guy. He's like a cult leader that only allows... He also tried to take my pogs. I've never seen somebody that I'm happy dead more. Oh, no. I love him. No, I love him. He's very cute.

Eddie, how do you want to describe that guy? How old were the twins that beat him to death? Both 31. Yeah. Well, you don't have to say both. Yeah. Both 31. Well, you don't have to say both.

Yeah. Christopher and William Cormier from Georgia were arrested last month after the body of Sean Dugas, 30, was found stuffed in a plastic bag, encased in concrete, and buried in their father's backyard. You know that they all called him Dugs, too. Oh, yeah. Poor Dugs. Well, he was a beloved member of the gaming community. They put him in concrete and buried him? Concrete is for the fucking water.

You know why? It was because of Star Wars when they encased him in the when they encased Harrison Ford characters. Do you think so? Well, the big thing is you know, certain mineral elements are immune to certain mana. If you get the arc light of Turgathia, then you won't be

able to get through the concrete. So you're saying this in a funny voice, but I know that you know the actual terms of this. Right. It's been years since I played magic. You played magic for such a long time. I played magic for a long time. I don't think we've talked about this.

Well, yeah, through junior high school. He had all of his tins filled with his magic cards. Well, if you... Get the pumpkin to get you out of this one, Henry. Henry is now giving Jackie the stare of death. I had a really powerful black-red goblin factory. That was really good.

That made me the envy of the schoolyard. I'm sure it was. That is certainly not true. As they were shoving your head in the garbage can, you're like, oh, they must respect me. I'm pretty sure that's why we moved out of New York was because Henry was playing Magic Guards and my mom was so worried he was going to get the shit beat out of him that we moved to Florida where people were nicer. That's great.

Jackie, what did you think of? See, the problem is that Jackie was too... Well, so they've moved to Florida. What are you going to say, Henry? What are you going to so they've they moved what did you think about your older brother good job jackie making fun of our brand new sponsors on our show you deserve it jackie what did you think about henry when you were growing up i mean this is your older brother he's supposed to be cool and teach you the ways and he's playing with magic cards you know i was always cooler than henry was yeah and teach you the ways, and he's playing with magic cards. Yeah, no, I was always cooler than Henry was. Yeah, and you still are.

Yeah, and I still am. So when Henry was playing magic cards, I was beating the shit out of girls. I'm like, I was saying like... God damn, you're so cool. Yeah, you're the fucking best, Jackie. Jackie, you should have the pumpkin. Give the pumpkin to Jackie. Give the pumpkin to Jackie. Give the pumpkin to Jackie.

Give the pumpkin to Jackie. Give me the pumpkin. Give me the pumpkin, Jackie. Henry, wait a second. The pumpkin has to choose to come to you. All right, what does the pumpkin say? So we're going to put the pumpkin here on the table. No, no, no.

I'm going to get that fucking pumpkin. Just take the fucking pumpkin. Jackie's got the pumpkin. Jackie. The pumpkin has changed. You motherfuckers don't know me She's putting the pumpkin That was the pumpkin

Pumpkin how do you feel to be with Jackie Yeah she the best bitch In this fucking podcast You motherfuckers You don't know me Why do you find it necessary To hold the pumpkin up to the microphone It's not actually talking It's the character Why do you find it necessary to hold the pumpkin up to the microphone?

It's not actually talking. It's the character. It's the character of the pumpkin. It's just getting in the way of you to the microphone. Do you want the pumpkin back? How do you feel without your pumpkin, Henry? You look really sad. Now I feel really bad. It really doesn't matter.

Give him the pumpkin back. You look naked over there. All right. Ed, give him the pumpkin bag. Ed just took the pumpkin. Pumpkin town. You see what I'm saying? The pumpkin feels nice.

No, no, no. Eddie, get it out of your crotch. Eddie, get the pumpkin off your crotch. Give it back. All right, here. Henry has it back. Here you go. Henry has it back. Thank you. It's back where it belongs. I thought the pumpkin off your crutch. Give it back. All right, here. Henry has it back. Here you go. Henry has it back.

Thank you. It's back where it belongs. I thought the pumpkin was supposed to be mean. No. Well, it doesn't matter. Pumpkin was great to me. The pumpkin was funny, but mean. Oh.

Well, and back to the story. In August, the Cormier brothers- I should get a rebuttal against Jackie. No, no, no. I should get a rebuttal. No, you should, but you don't get one. We're not fair here. In August, the Cormier brothers allegedly broke into Dugas' home and beat him to death

so they could steal his collection of Magic the Gathering cards. Police estimated the collection was worth up to $100,000. Whoa! Now he's fucking laughing. Did he have all of the magic cards on Earth? Yeah. Did he own the Magic Card Corporation? Including a Black Lotus card worth $10,000 on its own.

Wow. Black Lotus card was worth $2,000 when I was in junior high school. Tell us about the Black Lotus card, Henry. What is the Black Lotus card? It gives you a piece of every mana that you need to cast spells. See, the thing is, what rebuttal did you have that was going to make you sound better than what I was saying?

Actually, it's better. It's more mean. He's never going to add mean onto the pile of mean. No, no. The black lotus card is very important. Oh, yeah. Well, check out a picture. Let me ask you. What do you guys think these two twins look like? Before I put a picture of them on the screen.

The guys from Social Network. Okay. I'm going to go Universal Soldier 2, Van Damme, Van Damme. Okay. Holden. Pete and Pete. That's double impact. I'm sorry.

Thank you, Ed. Van Damme's not in Universal Soldier 2. Well, Jackie and Ed have already seen it from their vantage sitting on the same side of me at the table. Lex, what do you got? What do you think they look like? I think they look like two Henrys. Two Henrys.

Two Henrys. All of you are so horribly wrong. Van Damme. They look like criminals. Yeah. Fucking skinheads. How did you even know what those magic cards were worth? He probably told them drunkenly at a bar one night,

and they came over and was like, give me your fucking Lotus cards, you goddamn... What do you mean, though? It's mine. Beat this nerd to death. Beat up Dugas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They just breathed on him heavily. It's probably got to take a lot for someone to even imagine

that magic cards still would generate money. I would never think that. These guys, Dugas was one of the most active members. Oh, Dugas is a stupid name. You just now picked up that his last name is Dugas? I've said it like ten times. Dugas, Dugas, Dugas!

I got some magic cards. Dugas! Dugas, come on over. Dugas is one of the most active members in the magic community of Pensacola. By the way, another active members in the magic community of Pensacola. By the way, another Florida story. The magic community of Pensacola. One of the winner's society. It just smells like ax spray and Slim Jims.

I found a way not to shower. I got this new spray on. It makes me smell like chocolate. They filmed Jaws 2 in Pensacola. Oh, there we go. That's a little Pensacola fact for everybody. Thank you, Ed. Well, Dugas knew the twin brothers because they too were part of the community,

though they were thought to have dropped off the scene a while ago. They must have been so worried about that. What a way to come back, man. Get all the cards from Dukes. Where's the Bash brothers? I mean, how do you mean the Bash brothers used to be around here all the time? They had the most wonderful white healing and blue savior deck that I've ever seen. Wow. I'm just going to blame that on the pumpkin. You know too much. They had the great, they had the most wonderful white healing and blue savior deck that I've ever seen.

Wow. I'm just going to blame that on the pumpkin. You know too much. You know too much. It's the pumpkin. Thank you. Thank you very much. What was your best card, Henry? I don't remember, actually.

It was probably the Goblin Factory. I built my whole deck around the Goblin Factory. Okay. All right, we're going to end it. I thought that's what you made up, Goblin Factory. No, the Goblin Factory is real. How many points did it get you? Fucking millions.

Isn't it weird that if we would have all met each other in high school, we would have just never been friends? Actually, all of my friends were monsters, like you. This is the same group of people that I've always basically been friends with. I was very popular. I wasn't a weird kid, for the record. I don't know how I ended up like this. Yeah, Ed was a cool kid.

I was kind of cool. You guys were the weird kids. No, I was homecoming kids. Hey, there was a couple of people who tolerated me. I tolerated some of the weird kids because they usually had weed or could do my homework. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely. They were the number one kids.

So, hold it, basically. Yeah, I made They're the number one kids. So Holden, basically. Yeah, I made the eye hole that looked into the girls' locker room so everybody wanted my fucking bullshit. That's amazing, man. That's so cool. Lexi, when you were growing up and you were like a nice little girl

and you were like, oh, I'm going to find a wonderful man one day. I'm going to move to New York City and be an actress. Did you ever picture that he would look as hideous as Holden? Absolutely not. No.

That's good. Well, Holden is the first dude I've dated in 12 years. Oh, that's right. Me with girls. This man turned? You made him where you chose him. Okay, first of all, you can spin that two ways. Like, Holden

turned. He's so mad that he turned a lesbian into someone who would fuck a dude. Or he's such a bitch. He's such a pussy asshole that a lesbian was like, I was fucking. It's like a dude. Or he's such a bitch. He's such a pussy asshole. Lesbian was like, I was fucking. It's like a chick. Yeah, exactly. But it's like, oh, look at it.

Just women. So many women that are so soft and kind, probably, to go to a snarling beast. Lizards. He's very much like woman. He is very. He's soft. Sensitive.

Were you sleeping with female iguanas? She was a reptilian lover. Female reptilian lover. This is great stuff. It is stuff. It's interesting. All right, and finally, I mean, shit, we're on a Florida streak today. A Florida man was able to get out of a potential arrest by flashing his genitals at a police officer.

It works every time. He got out of the arrest? Yeah. Law enforcement officials in Port St. Lucie received a complaint at around 7.15 p.m. on October 16th from a woman who suspected a man was masturbating in his car while sitting in a CVS parking lot. The woman had not seen the unidentified man's genitals, but noticed he was making an quote, up and down motion in the area of his car.

She's gonna call the cops on her dude, even if he was jacking off. Shut the fuck up! Go back to your car! It's his car! Let him jerk off in his fucking car! I'm with you, Eddie. He's gotta cover himself in a blanket, at least. She didn't see his dick! He's in his car!

He covered up! By the time the police arrived, The suspect had gone into the CVS, and a responding officer approached him as he exited the store. The officer asked the man to, quote, think about what he did in the parking lot that would have brought attention to himself. The suspect responded that he had gotten, quote,

the urge to scratch his testicles because of a rash he had. That's true. He then asked if he could show someone his rash just to prove he was telling the truth. Apparently, police agreed because the suspect, quote, presented his testicles to an officer

who verified that he did, in fact, have a rash. That's so humiliating. That's a rash. Nope, you're free to go. You know, if you don't have a rash, I'm gonna put you in jail. You better have a rash. I mean, what a lucky day for that guy.

If he was jacking off and he just so happened to have a rash. Or a birthmark on his balls. Little Gorbachev down there. Did he have a bunch of rash cream that he just so happened to have a rash. Or a birthmark on his balls. A little Gorbachev down there. Did he have a bunch of rash cream that he just bought at the CVS too? Yeah, that's why he was at CVS. Overpriced Gatorade and rash cream. This fucking bitch is picking up someone.

This man is hurt. He's injured. What is the woman looking like? He's a sick man. She's an old fucking blue-haired cunt living in Port St. Lucie. She should have died in Chicago. We don't know if she's British. We don't know if she's British, but she might have

blue hair. There's no pictures. Ed, if you had a minute with this woman, what would you do? You shake her for the first 20 seconds. You fucking cunt, you bitch! You fucking cunt! And then you slap her for the next ten seconds back and forth.

Absolutely. One, two, three. That's a lot of bizarre slaps you got going on there, right? Back hands, too, because you're going back and forth there. And then for the last 30 seconds, you beat off in front of her and tell her that's what it looks like. This is what it actually looks like. Oh, I just didn't know it was so small and not rashy. This is what it actually looks like. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I just didn't know it was so small and not rashy. Okay, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, it's Halloween sort of craziness. It was Halloween last week. Last week was, but it got ruined by the storm. Did you just not come up with a segment during the storm? No, I did, definitely. What is your most horrifying

scenario? It doesn't sound like you did. What is your scariest psychological scary scenario? If I had to do segments for the rest of my life. Yeah, please. Mark that down as ads. I agree with that. That's not fun.

Alright, so mine would obviously, based off of recent episodes, it would be to be chained down and forced to watch Kevin Barnett have relations with my mother. I would say are, but her...

If he were to, how do you think he would please her? Which way? Give her the chocolate thunder. What is the chocolate thunder? Do you think he would please her? Every which way. You'd give her the chocolate thunder. That's all I need. Do you think he would eat her ass? I think he'd eat her ass. Is that the chocolate thunder?

He doesn't eat ass, but I think he would eat your mother's ass just to piss you off. It would be like the first hour would just be a fucking foot massage. And I'd just fucking throw up on that. And then fucking go from there. Have you ever got to give your mother a foot massage and I just fucking throw up on that and then fucking go from there. You ever got to give your mother a foot massage?

Sorry. Is that a no or a yes? I just blacked out. Where are we at? Are we about to start? Do you need to do voice tests? Am I doing prayer tonight? I'll tell you what, to add some more horror to it,

you put a bunch of fucking Gerber baby food in my balls and a little baby licks my balls while that's going on it's so gross so I don't even want to do it

that's my most horrific scenario what questions do you have? What race is the baby? Let's go with Chinese. Chinese. No, you know what? It has my face and a butt on a baby. That's it. And your face on

a baby licking baby food off of your balls. Yeah. Are you tied down? Oh, I've got chained, my friend. Chained to the bucket. And all this time you're watching Kevin bang ass your mother. Do everything you've seen. Well, not you've seen, but everything I've seen.

I think I've seen more. I know you have. Henry. Alright. My ultimate true fear is being on a plane, and it's going, and it's going fine, and you're going for bad news. You're on the plane.

You're leaving to go to a funeral. You're taking a plane to a funeral. Yeah, yeah. And you're going to something that's really horrible. And then the seatbelt light comes on. It's like, do-do-do. And the woman, they make an announcement. She said, I don't know if we're going to be that's really horrible. And then the seatbelt light comes on. It's like, do-do-do. And the woman, they make an announcement. She said, I don't know if we're going to be experiencing rough turbulence coming up.

And the plane starts going, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- It gets worse and worse Things start falling out of the stuff Mass fall on the thing And then they just like you know they come on They're like we're in free fall We're in free fall And then like the whole the plane just falls apart around you You know and then you watch the plane Just fall off So you're in the pilot to loss so far You literally

Yeah and then it's just the idea of Flying free fall out of a falling plane I think I'd die of fear before anything happened. What's it headed toward? The ocean or a mountain? Mountain.

I imagine going from New York to LA. Ocean would be scarier to me. The middle of fucking ocean. Either way, you're dead. That's the thing. Being in the middle of nowhere abyss is almost scarier to me. Like the middle of fucking ocean. Just no, I mean, either way, you're dead. Yeah, that's the thing. And just being in the middle of nowhere abyss is almost scarier. I think, because I had a plane crashing dream the other night because I was reading an article. They crashed

a 727 to see who would live on it. And the only people who lived the last two rows of the plane. So the worst seats on the plane are the safest seats on the plane. If you fly business class, you're the first to die in the horrible incinerating flames. If you fly business class, you're the first to die in the horrible incinerating flames.

As you should be. Yeah. Always sit by the shitter. Always sit by the shitter. I constantly say that. You get to learn a lot about people that way. Absolutely. What their shit smells like

and how much they piss. Pretty much just those two things, but they're important things. Dreams. I had a dream. I got busted with a little bit of weed the other night and I was sentenced to 10 years in prison and then it was just my father Pretty much just those two things, but they're important things. Dreams, I had a dream. I got busted with a little bit of weed the other night, and I was sentenced to 10 years in prison. And then it was just my father yelling at me about I was a failure and all this stuff.

So pretty much just my biggest nightmare scenario is just never waking up. It's getting caught. No, it's getting caught. I have so many dreams where it's just my dad. Never waking up from your own nightmares? But the nightmares are very real, and they're all about my father, and they're all about me never making anything out of my life, and he's very upset with me,

and I just feel terrible. You blew your father in a dream once, right? I fucked my father in the shower once in a dream. It's just like there's a bunch of... We devoted a whole episode to that. Thank you. Episode three, you know, you guys, do you want to listen back to the archives?

Whatever, way back then. No, I don't know if I really blew them or anything. But who knows. But yeah, just constantly, I just have so many dreams where I just disappoint everybody and just never waking up. That's the ultimate nightmare. Rarely am I happy to wake up, but occasionally I'm like thrilled to

like have nothing. Yeah. And just like be alone and miserable. Alright, father nightmare. I like it. I like it. Lex? You got a horrifying scenario? I'm in the chucklehead. I don't have to answer. You're on the list. It's right here. I've already written your name down.

Holden, Henry, Ben, Lexi. I think the most torturous, horrifying scenario would probably to be trapped in Holden and Ben's bathroom. It is a horrible bathroom.

It's an ugly place. First of all, location, location, location. We're in the fucking greatest place in New York City. How flooded were we during the hurricane, Holden? Did we get so drunk? Did we get so drunk we did?

And how many lights did we lose? Not a dime. Not a dime of light. Yes. So indeed, I'm sorry that you had a difficult time poop-pooping. Terrible thing to say. There's so many people that lost so much in the hurricane. Oh, were they me?

Not so much were they me. So I'm living brave. Jackie, what do you got? Ben just got a huge cigar. He's got a gold necklace and sunglasses and a top hat. I mean, you can see how a dictator is happy when his people suffer. Alone in a lifeboat. Definitely.

Alone in the ocean. Have absolutely nothing. You see the tip of what is a massive sea monster. And you keep thinking that you see land and you never see land. You're in the middle of absolutely nowhere. I'm terrified of water and I would figure out a way to kill myself

as fast as possible. I almost want to take mine back because the idea of the giant sea monster that is bigger than anything you've ever seen rising above you. I would rather that because the reality is that there is nothing is that there is nothing there to

kill you is that you have to wait to drown. Yeah, wait to die. That is it. You have to wait to either starve to death. Drowning is one of the most painful ways to die. No, it's the most peaceful. Oh, really? It is. But you'll either starve to death or you will it's the most peaceful. Oh, really? But you'll either starve to death or you will die of dehydration or exposure. And that is the worst scenario.

Exposure? That means just sunburn to death. Yes. To me, that is the worst. That's the worst. And you can't really kill yourself. There's no real easy way to kill yourself. You can drink a bunch of salt water. And then it makes you go crazy

until you eventually dehydrate and you die. You know what's amazing? Thus far, we have not had one horror house, horror place. No, because this is real life. Psycho killer, well, serial killer, trapped scenario. I don't think there were victims like that, though.

Yeah, yeah. It's going to take a lot for someone to kill me, man. You won't come kill me. You can't find me. Me, my pumpkin. No, no. This is me talking. This is Henry talking. This is my pup and my friend. I'll fight for him. What about you, Ed?

How about you, Ed? What do you got? The scariest thing that could happen to me is, alright, so I wake up in my own bed in my bedroom. And then I just like, normal morning. Normal morning. And then I walk out into the living room. I got Ben. I got Ben good.

So I walk out into the living room and there's this Chinese family. A mother and like two children. Oh, it makes me want to puke right now. You come work. You write for work. They're sitting down on the ground at this little table

and they're eating rice. Seems weird. What are they up to? So I looked at them like, what are you doing in my house? And they're like, we live here. We live here now. We live here. We live here.

And I look out the window and I see the Great Wall of China. China! China! China! Never, ever China! China! Never, ever China! And like, where do you have to live to look out your window and see the Great Wall of China? I'm scared for you! Just got him in there. They just threw him right over the wall.

He wins, I'm scared. There is nothing more terrifying than that. Before I get to the rankings here, my most terrifying scenario, framed for murdering and raping a child. Good one.

Death row or life? Life. Yeah. Absolutely. Life in prison. That's great. Yeah, yeah. That will not be judged. The ones that will, right? No, that will not be judged.

No, but that's a really good one. That's a damn good one. Thank you. Thank you very much. All right. So we're going to, as always, start at the bottom and go up. Start at the bottom. Henry.

What are you talking about? I expected more. It's scary as fuck. I'm talking about what's scary to me. I forgot his. That's how. Plane free fall. Oh, plane free fall.

That's the scariest thing to me. I mean, it's terrifying. It's pretty terrifying. I watched the footage of the guy doing the space jump, and I thought it was going to throw up. Have you seen the front camera stuff? No. It's horrifying. I haven't seen it yet.

He threw himself into space. Next up is... I feel like free-fall in space is almost scarier. I'm sorry, real quick. The whole thing just scares the shit out of me. Free-fall in space, trying to get back to the ground, and getting pushed into space is almost scarier. I'm sorry, real quick. The whole thing just scares the shit out of me. Free fall in space, trying to get back to the ground and getting pushed into space is almost scarier to me. Yeah, heights get me. I can't even look at a tall building.

Yeah, yeah. But at that point, you're so high up, heights don't really exist anymore. Everyone says the same thing. It doesn't matter. No, it just means instantaneous death. I'm with you. I hate heights. I'm with you on that.

Death is horrifying. All right, what do we got next? Next up, we got Ben, because your father is already disappointed in you. You don't need a dream to tell you that. You're making it too real for him. Am I living my worst fear? Are you fucking kidding me, Marcus? Did you think that was an appropriate thing to say to me right now?

I'm on the devil's edge. Don't talk to Ben. He's on the devil's edge. He's on the devil's edge. Don't talk to Ben. He's on the devil's edge. He's on the devil's edge. Next up would be Lexi. Because you could clean that bathroom. I could. Yeah.

Woman's job is to clean the bathroom. That's the thing. That is woman's job. Yeah, it is. I was about to say that a woman can say that to her own. Jump out the thing. That is a woman's job. Yeah, it is. I was about to say that a woman can jump out the window. Next up will be Holden. What?

Baby with my face? And it's saying hey, you did good last night. Hey. Had a good set. He's licking on my butt. Okay, yeah. You make a good argument there. I licking on my Alright either way Okay yeah No no no

You make a Weird yeah You make a good argument there I'm gonna switch you and Jackie Oh Wow Rare Make an argument

Mine's fucking real life dude You fucking know that shit You wouldn't want to be caught in that shit His baby face His face could never Be replicated onto a baby Because it's a lizard's face A lizard's face could never be put onto a baby because it's a lizard's face.

A lizard's face could never be put onto a baby's face. Baby loves Gerber. I'll cut it off. I win again, right? Kill the baby. And he wins again. I always win. Can you not give him the win?

Marcus, take the win. Give him the win. Give me the win. Nobody wants to go to China. That is true. I hate China. I hate Chinese. Marcus, what is your final verdict? Give it to us straight.

My final verdict, I would say, because Eddie is so excited, because he wins so much, and it's not fair to the rest of us. Yeah, I know. But I'm going to go ahead and give it to him. What? There is no freedom of choice. This is I know. But I'm going to go ahead and give it to him. Hey! There is no freedom of choice! This is China! This is China!

This is fascism! I don't like it! This is fascism. I don't like it. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break.

Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Let's break. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.. Yeah....... I'm a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. a good. Say no to China Yeah Oh man Goodbye