The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 121: Apples To Apples

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this, the 121st episode of the Round Table: porch news continues as a man's corpse is mistaken for a leftover Halloween decoration, two teachers are charged with grooming a teenager for illicit hot tub sex and board games, and a bridge in Idaho is the grisly scene of hundreds of deer suicides. Today in the Hut: MURDERFIST.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I broke all the chairs! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's nothing. I was so fat. You're just big frame. And you don't I broke all the chairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's nothing. I was so fat.

And you don't know how to sit right. I sit. You flop. No, I don't flop. You flop and you break. I think God makes gravity just like... You just did it. Pull hard. That just brought me back to a really sad 15 years old. It's going to be fine, man. It doesn't matter.

You know how many chairs I broke in my life? How many? One be fine, man. It doesn't matter. Okay. You know how many chairs I've broken in my life? How many? One. All right, Ed. Well, thank you. You know how many chairs I broke in the past 10 minutes? One.

Hey, Holden, remember when Henry broke the chair and fucking put a hole in your wall? Yeah. All right. Remember that. Let's do this. Let's bow our heads.

Welcome, everyone, to the round table. Hello, dear Bielsa Boob. Thank you so much for gathering all of our friends here together. I love everyone very much. And please cure... Sorry, Henry.

Please cure Henry... No, Holden McNeely's back. Holden threw out his back today. He was making his bed. And he is such an athletic, masculine man, he managed to throw his back out while spreading his sheets. Making the bed. So please help Holden's back.

I laid down on it and yelled in pain. God, it was the worst. It's a real diva's death. All right, everybody. Thank you so much for being here. And amen. And then who else is here? Jackie Zabrowski.

I got breasts. Oh, yeah, you do. Nice breasts. I figured it out today. I'm here and I also have breasts. I figured it out today. Congratulations. I also have breasts. I'm Holden McNeely, and this was the Weekend of Dickheads. We'll talk about it. Kevin Barnett and Matt all got clean pants, but fuck y'all.

Yeah. I think you forgot to mention that you have breasts. Oh, yeah. We all got. Who don't got titties? Let's talk about that. Marcus. Marcus.

All right. Marcus is on it. We're honored here. Who don't got titties? Let's talk about that. Marcus. Marcus. All right. Marcus is on air. And then we're honored here. We got the entire fucking Murder Fist crew in studio with us today. Yeah. Lord, what a lively bunch. So that's Walter.

And then we got Kellen. And then there's John Moreno. Moo goes the cow. And then half of the round table of gentlemen. And then half of the round table. That's right. And then Henry Zabrowski just spoke. I did specifically ask to not sit next to John. And look who I'm sitting next to.

Give me kisses. He smells like gin. Give me kisses. I'm scared of him. I do want to give a big shout out to Jared Warner. He's playing with his lambs. He's got all those lambs, man. He's a real fat little bo-peep.

We've always said that about him. And he's also... Did I tell you that my favorite Jared story is that I was walking down the street and Jared used to have really long hair. And I was walking down the street and I see this big person walking down the street with really long hair.

And I run up to him and I was like, Ah, gotcha, Jared! And it was just a big fat woman identical to Jared yeah and you knew it wasn't Jared because she had a beard and Jared does well yeah yeah yeah yeah she did a wonderful Shakespeare monologue and I was like you're a better actor than Jared this is always we got our newsman there, little cupcake or Marcus Parks. Well, continuing on November's trend of porches,

a man was tragically left to die on his own front porch after the mailman ignored his body because he thought it was a leftover Halloween decoration. Oh, man, he must have been so bulgy. And the man's name, this is no shit, Dale Porch. Oh! Yeah! It was written on the walls, written on the porch.

We've died, but Porch. It was foretold in the Dead Sea Scrolls. And if you look over on the monitor, you can see a picture of Mr. Porch. Oh, so sad. Nice guy with a hipster mustache. Nice little mullet. That's not ironic at all. I'd like to meet my friend Henry has heart attack.

How is he going to die, Ed? He's going to trip on a... Diabetes. Well, Dale Porch, 46, was discovered at his front door by his son around noon, and despite the best efforts of the paramedics' efforts to resuscitate the Denver transport worker, failed. Way dead.

However... And his last name was Failed? I'm Mailman Sees Dead Bodies and Doesn't Report Them. It's a long last name. It's weird. Was Porch dressed like, I don't know, a scarecrow or a ghost? Like some sort of decoration? He was wearing overalls and straw. I'm guessing he was just dressed like a dude

named Dale dresses. Which is just like a scarecrow, to be fair. Like a fucking piece of shit. Have you ever had a decent Dale? Fuck all Dales! Dale Porch is a nice guy! Right here and now! If your name's Dale, you can go fucking eat a You've got to add a decent Dale. Fuck all Dales. Dale Porch is a nice guy. I'm saying it right now.

Right here and now. Dale Earnhardt. Your name's Dale, you go fucking eat a dick. Oh, no. You're Dale. That's not true, Eddie. That's not true, Eddie. NASCAR sensation Dale Earnhardt. I'm the Adolf Hitler to Dales.

What? I'm going to camp up all the Dales, cook them in an oven. That's ridiculous. And they're lucky. And that's ridiculous, Eddie. There are some good Dales out there. We have five minutes in, and everyone is already yelling. You're not doing it.

We've got to end the podcast. Ed, man, medical experiments, I get you, brother. Yeah, man. Of course. Jesus Christ. Kevin, you ever met a good Dale? I don't know too many Dales, man. I can't say that I agree on anybody's behalf.

But I think that ed is all talk no walk man what have you done to a dale and a kill dale challenge scared of dales man i'm not scared of dales oh all right eddie you got 15 minutes alone with the dale what are you gonna do to him all right first you tie him down. And then after you tie him down, then you glue him to the floor. What? Double tie down? Double tie down. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Glue, then tie. Or tie then glue. I think you're giving Dale a lot of credit. Yeah. He respects the editor. So far, this is all shit that Thomas Dale would love. Woo! No, no, no.

Thomas Dale is exempt from the rule It's his last name, it's not his first name It's a first name issue Like Dale Murphy Okay, we got Dale Murphy Dale Murphy's a real fucking cocksucker Do you know Dale Murphy? No, but he used to play for the Braves and I don't like that

Fuck him, so you tie him down You got him glued, what are you doing next? Then you start with the pissing Then I bring you in. You're going to come, you're going to start pissing on him too. Because otherwise, you're not going to get some free beer. I'm going to do anything for free beer.

If all I have to do to get free beer is piss on a dude named Dale, I'll shit on him just for a shot of whiskey as well. It's like, all I have to do is piss on him? Oh shit, it's free. That one's for you, bro. What else? And then you do anything you think's free. That one's for you, bro. What else? And then you do anything you think of, anything you want, anything horrible, man. Come on, I'm a little hurt you're not bringing me in on this yet.

Marcus, what do you want to do with the bill? Marcus, what do you want to do? No, no, no, I'm taking orders here. Oh, yeah. Sorry, if you're the Hitler here, you're giving the orders. All right, rip out of songs. I'm not comfortable for anything I've done. Don't call yourself the Hitler of the orders. Alright, rip out of songs! I'm not culpable for anything I've done. Don't call yourself the Hitler of the situation.

I think that's only cause for trouble because ego issues. What? Are you saying I can't take that? Getting very Hitler-esque over there, Eddie. Alright, tie him up and piss on him. That's a great thing to do with Dales. What's going on with this mailman?

Well, back to this. The devastated family of Mr. Porch have called for an investigation after the morning mail was found in their box indicating that the U.S. Postal Service employee would have seen the lifeless body. Quote, my brother-in-law walked up these steps, got to this

step here, and collapsed. She pointed at the mailbox just a few feet away, so the mailman literally was right here. And he, Dale, was right here, collapsed on the step. I was walking in the train the other day, and there was a man laying on the floor in front of the stairs. He had crawled up on the seat, and he was just lying face first on the floor on the substation. This black woman stopped and shook him.

She's like, hey, you all right? You doing all right? And he looks at me and says, I'm just trying to go uptown. And she's like, hey, you alright? You doing alright? And he looks at him and he's like, I'm trying to go uptown. And she's like, you're on the wrong side. And he's like, what? That's his biggest issue. I love when they call it a heartbroken family

when this guy was dead on his porch for three days and no one knew it. It's fine. And speaking of the family, here's a picture of the family. It's Heidi. It should have been chins. Oh, right.

I think her name is Heidi Porch. H-E-D Porch. Hedy Porch? Isn't that us doing mushrooms outside? That's just what you do on a porch. Yeah, absolutely. That's his wife right there. That's just what she'd do on a porch Yeah, absolutely That's his wife right there That's his wife?

Where was she during this when he was dead for three days on the porch? She was putting on her makeup She's got those good dick sucking lips Dick that she does Yeah, baby, yeah It's not the mailman's job To report every fucking corpse that he sees. Here's a statement from the U.S. Post Office.

This is a very unfortunate situation and one that probably would not happen any other time of the year. Yeah, do you think he took that one? Meaning around Halloween. Well, not if he was dressed like fucking Santa Claus. Yeah, like seven deaths a year happen. It doesn't have to do with anything. Yeah, a seven deaths a year. It would have to do with anything. Yeah, a guy dressed as Santa Claus found dead hanging out of a chimney. He stays there for two weeks, and they're like,

when are they going to take them decorations out? That's a little gauche. But then again, his name was Edward Stuck, so it all makes sense. Next story. A pair of reporters kidnapped a prominent Kyrgyzstan journalist and put a gun to her head before revealing it was all just for laughs. Now, Nazira Aytabakova is filing charges against the reporters, saying they held her at gunpoint and made her strip to her underwear. Quote, they took off the sack from my head and said, sing! I refused.

They told me to dance and somebody was standing behind me and constantly poked the gun at my head. Next, they ordered her to speak her last words, promised to shoot her, and finally admitted they were reporters at a newspaper that publishes a column on practical jokes. I got the headline for this.

Jihad gone wild. I like it. Oh, yeah. So how much trouble are they in? This is a big deal, right? Well, it's Kyrgyzstan. Oh, yeah. So Kyrgyzstan's not even a country.

Yeah, you know how... They're gonna throw them a parade. One stone thrown at each person. Yeah. How much trouble they're in? Well, first, they got fired. Okay. Second, no sense're in. Well, first, they got fired. Okay. Second, no sense of humor over there, huh?

Are you telling me that the Kyrgyzstan people are fucking dull? It's out there. But then again, it isn't. Okay, Henry, you get fucking wrapped up. You're forced to get naked. You're forced to sing. It's sort of what happened to you on the subway when you had your Chris Farley impression. Yes.

And then they reveal it's a big practical joke. You're thrilled. Well, yeah, especially if I'm killing it. But the same thing, like, I'll just snap right into it. You pull me off and you say, sing. I'm like, I had a dream. He's like, he's amazing. We can't kill him.

We have to keep him. Just cut his dick off and let him be. It's interesting, though. He finally hit that high C. It's up there with Jigsaw though. Now she knows for a fact that if she was forced to sing for somebody's amusement with a gun to the back of her head, she wouldn't do it. That's a pretty validating experience. Now that's already happened once, she'd be really good at it if it happens again.

If it actually happens to her, she's going to perform the hell out of it. I don't know. I think she'll think it's a practical joke. And then she'll be like, fuck you guys. I'm not singing she'll think it's a practical joke. That's what I'm saying. I think she'll be like, ah, fuck you guys. I'm not singing for nobody. Bam, bam, bam.

You know, just that. Man, that would be kind of fun. We should take a plane over there. See how much clothes she can take off. You can only take a giant boat shaped like a duck. I think Murder Fist would do really well in Kurdistan. Yeah. John, if you were kidnapped and forced to sing a song,

what song would you sing immediately? I want today. I want tomorrow. I want to wear pretty bows in my hair and I don't want to share them. You know what? It started out as a joke but now we're actually

going to shoot it. Exactly. We weren't going to shoot it but then he's singing it. He shoots the one when they're singing that song. What's that from, John? What is that song?

Willy Wonka. Oh, okay. Charlie, no. Charlie, Veruca Salt. The first one is Willy Wonka. Oh, is it? Jesus Christ. Shut up.

No, Walter, I thought that was a valid point. The first one is Willy Wonka. All right, look over at the, if you want to see a picture of this lady. I don't understand this picture at all. Oh, man. She's hot as fuck. It's like a ghost picture.

Well, it's from a YouTube video. Oh, okay. So their kidnapping was all a ruse to just get her in her underwear. Yeah. The thing is with this fucking Kyrgyzstan's cocksuckers, they didn't have the balls to see some titties. I think she didn't take off her clothes because she was actually a man. No, that can't be. Her shoulders are not that broad.

Walter, how many Thai ladyboys have you seen? Have you not seen the pageants online? They're amazing. Oh, yeah, they do kind of crush it, man. All right. Whoa. I just want to make that clear, everybody. We have a theory that Kevin Barnett is gay, and then he proves it every episode.

No. That's this episode's proof. These dudes are beautiful. That's their culture over there. What? Yeah, man. That's a big thing over there, dude.

I have no idea. Fucking trannies over there crush it. Okay. In fact, they are considered their own gender. That's how awesome

they are at it. Exactly. So you would fuck one of these? Congratulations. You would fuck one of these man women? No, I wouldn't fuck

one of them, but I appreciate what they're doing. Would you get a blowjob from them? Nah, man. What? No. I agree with Kevin. of them, but I appreciate what they're doing. Would you get a blowjob from them? No, man. What? No.

No, I agree with Kevin. It's like looking at a nice piece of art. Yeah. You know, they put time into it. It's a lot of work. It really is. I watched the whole thing on it. Like the 89 Joker when he fucking sprayed everybody with that paint.

There was actually a kickboxer out there who was like a dude, and he was like a badass dude who was crushing everybody. Then he kind of vanished for a while and came back as beautiful-ass Tranny and would still fight and just crush everyone. It was insane. Do you remember, Ed, when we did this AIDS benefit in Tallahassee?

Oh, God. With the fucking drag queen? We split a show with this drag show and at the end of it, it was this horrible thing where the drag queens wouldn't even let us do the show because they just fucking heinously heckled us through the entire set. And we just gave up in the middle of it and left stage or whatever. They just wanted the humping. But there was a show, there was a part of the night where it was like, Ed, I forget who else, maybe you, me, and Jared, maybe.

No, no, it was Mick. At the bar. It was Mick. We were all sitting at the bar, and we're getting slams, and we're watching this dude with big fake breasts like dance in front of us. Remember Ad literally at some point we're sitting in silence just so mad about the whole night

and I was just like I can't fucking believe how hot that dude is. Was that Tony Denise? What? Was that Tony Denise? The blonde one. I didn't take the time

to learn his name. Well my favorite was Alright, hold on. I took a fucking Yeah. My favorite No, I just wanted there's time to learn his name. Well, my favorite was... All right, hold on. I took a fucking... Yeah. My favorite... No, I just want to... There's a tranny named Tony Denise?

Yeah. Tony Denise is a good name. That is a wonderful name. Okay. Well, no, my favorite was... Henry, didn't you walk backstage at one point and go into the dressing room and there was that fucking... Eldora, the 300-pound black...

No, he was a white guy. No, the Coke's my story. Yeah, this was a guy that grabbed me and threw me out of the room, and he was a 300-pound sheriff from another Florida county that would go into our county in order to be a drag queen and then go back to being a family man when he went back home. Yeah. It's very smart.

Good for him. Yeah, no, mine was the trainee with the big tits popped its head out of the dressing room and had its tits in the bra, and then it had a big plate of Coke and was like, you want some? I was like, I got enough problems. Doing Coke with a tranny. That's exactly who you should do Coke with, though.

Next free Coke. Next up. Of course. 50 drunken elephants caused havoc in an Indian village and destroyed three houses after gulping down an astonishing 500 liters of alcohol. Wasn't that your aunts and uncles? Larson family reunion. Yeah, we went to India this year.

Really? Yeah, fucking right. That's the only part of that story I don't believe. The Larson's on safari. Right. That's the only part of that story I don't believe. The Larsons on safari. The animals destroyed a shop stocking Mahua and ruined crops in Demerkota, East India

after drinking 18 containers of the alcoholic drink. However, they were not satisfied after the drinking session and ransacked adjoining huts to find more liquor. That's amazing. They just figured out booze. It's just like us. Is this an evolutionary step? How did they open up the bottles? I think they just smashed them

and then sucked it out. The same way Holden drinks. He smashed it, he pours booze into the ground and then one of his tentacles slides out of his mouth and sucks it up. Slowly puts it back in as if no one saw it. For me, it's like I pour the drink, I black out, and I wake up to so wasted. It's covered in shards of glass.

With ketchup all over my cock? That's the weirdest part. Well, I put that there. Oh. Big Kissel hot dog. Yeah. I would love to blow you. Holden, you were pretty drunk last night and there was

a straight fight that almost broke out. Alright, so we fucking got it. What's going on here? Okay, so this is the second time this year I have pushed a dude, a dickhead in a trucker hat. So I just wanted to let people know if you wear a trucker hat, I guess it'll fucking change you and make you a dickhead.

What's a trucker hat? A big fucking dumb hipster hat that the hipster is just a four year old child. It's got the foam on the front. Yeah, the foam on the front. It's all big.

Ed, it is a hat you would wear not ironically. It's super big. Yeah, they wear it ironically. We have one. It's from Maine. I'm with Lexi,

my girlfriend Lexi and Jared. And see, I wish Jared were here because he was the superstar of this whole thing, honestly. All I did was duck punches, which I've never done before. So anyways.

You just take them. Yeah, yeah. It sucks you're learning. That's the thing. I know. I've only been punched. How many times have you been punched

in the back of the head? Right in the face. Three times by that black dude. and the saddest thing was he had a cane. His foot was like broken and all I did this was my big move. He punched me in the face three times and I'm just like why?

What? And then I curl up at the fetal position right by him. So he could all I had to do was take five steps away from him. But anyways this is a different dude. It was a different time. The last time you got into a fight holding, you were walking up

subway steps, the man came up from behind you, yelled at you, punched you in the face multiple times, you curled up in the fetal position.

We're at round two, you've learned your lesson, you're ready to fight. You know what it was? I was walking to work that day, I was so sober and I was drunk

as fuck last night so I think that's what changed things. Alright, so I'm standing there with Lexi and Jared and this dude walks up and we're trying to find a place to and Jared, and this dude walks up, and we're trying to find a place to get some pizza.

And this guy walks up, and he has a fucking pizza box. Which is so hard to do in New York. I know, right? We're like, where should we go? Where should we go? We were in a spot. We didn't know where the clothes went. This dude has a pizza box in his hand.

So we go, oh, hey, what's up, buddy? Where did you get your pizza? And then he's like, I don't know. I don't know where I got it. And just starts, like, saying saying shit like that and he won't leave us and we're like after a little bit it's like all right dude you're being like an asshole just get away just leave and he wouldn't and he just stood there while we're trying to like figure shit out and we're like dude what the fuck's wrong you just get out of here and then finally he pulls

his phone out starts taking pictures of jared and then we go hey man you don't fucking take pictures of us we hate we do not like you. Get the fuck away. And then I saw Red grabbed his pizza box, ripped it out of his hand, and just threw it onto the ground. So he didn't start the fight. I started the fight. No, he didn't. This guy fucking started it. Wait, why was he taking pictures of Jared? To post it on Instagram and say something like, oh, this fucking guy in Williamsburg is doing this.

He started the fight, but you escalated it. I turned it to fucking Code Red. You were a real man last night. Almost a man. Again, because really, Jared takes the cake on this one. But you didn't have to hurt the man's pizza, man. You know what's hilarious?

It was just a bunch of bullshit in the box. There wasn't even pizza in the fucking box. Maybe he literally didn't know where he got the pizza from. I saw a bunch of pizza in the box on the street when I walked by there later on. Oh, okay, that's his. I didn't see the pizza. It slid out. It was in the middle of the street. Awesome.

I fucking threw that fucker on the ground. And then I think I knocked his hat off his head and shit, and then chick escalated. But pretty much what happened was he would throw a punch at me. He would throw a punch at me. I throw a punch at me I would duck it Jared would push him away you know how do you feel when you duck the first punch um I mean he

he just you shadow cat he did that thing where he just stood there and stared at us like he wouldn't say anything and I kept calling him out I was like I know you're trying to think of the thing to say right now that's going to be the big insult of the night, and then you're going to walk away, but you're not going to do it

because you're too fucked up and you're an idiot. So he walks over, gets hit by a cab, gets sideswiped by a cab, and then we start pointing and laughing at him. And then he's far away from us now, so he starts yelling insults. And his big insult was, you look like you're 30. And we were like, hey, we are 30.

You're a fucking idiot. And then I just kept, you sound like you know how humans age. Like his insults. And it was like, you're fat, you're ugly. It was literally that. And we're like, you're a dickhead. We hit some valid points.

I mean, could we agree that the guy wasn't all wrong? I mean, stating the obvious is not an insult. He's speaking truth. I kept saying, go away, dickhead. Go away, dickhead. And he finally at one point was like, hey, quit calling me dickhead. All right, so I'm talking to Jared. We think it's over.

I'm talking to Jared. We're just talking about whatever. And then I see him coming up from to Jared. We think it's over. I'm talking to Jared. We're just talking about whatever. And then I see him coming up from behind Jared and I was like, Jared, this dude's about to punch me in the face. And then Jared, I duck. He literally, like, right after I said that, I duck, Jared turns around and fucking throat

checks him. The throat check is my favorite. And he has the best part. He has a lit cigarette in his hand and he didn't realize it. And he has the best part. He has a lit cigarette in his hand, and he didn't realize it, but the way he grabbed him... No, Jared has the lit cigarette. Jared has the lit cigarette in his hand, and the way he grabbed him,

he was burning his cheek with the cigarette. Yeah! And he was like, get the fuck away from my friend. Get the fuck away from my friend. And then he fucking, like, shoved him off. And he came up to us one last time

in front of Trash Bar. You wouldn't be so big if you didn't have that big hole your big hole protected. I know, yeah, yeah, totally. I mean, I felt kind of silly because, like, Jer would just keep stepping in to sort of, but all, I mean, I had to duck the punch. But anyway,

so he came up to us one last time. What about Lexi? He wasn't bothering Lexi at all? Lexi kind of was laughing too hard and had to, like, walk away. The idea of you doing something masculine made her laugh? What? That's not good.

You're supposed to get wet and fucking put salami on your wounds. It was unbelievable. And then when it just ended after that, he like came up to us one last time. We're like, man, you lost. It's fine. But just go, man.

Everything's done. He was like, all right. And just walked and stumbled into the night. Well, I've got something that is similar to that involving elephants. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Another elephant? No, no, no.

It's the same story. It's the same story. It's the hands of another elephant. This guy did have a long trunk. It's the same story. Police spokesman in India said that the elephants were similar to a drunk human and that they were, quote, aggressive and unreasonable, but they were much, much bigger.

Oh, man. Yeah, that makes sense. Yo, that's going to be the title of my first rap album. Aggressive and unreasonable elephants. Much, much bigger. My first indie rock album is going to be Unreasonable Elephant. But drunk.

You have to throw that into your title. That's just going to be one of the songs. I'm still wondering what a reasonable elephant is like. Have you ever seen the footage of that one elephant that went crazy and just tore apart that one town when he escaped the circus? What about that one elephant senator?

He's very moderate. That's great. That was pretty good. That's a good elephant, Marcus. Do you work on these things alone? Like, what do you do when you spend... Alright, give us a goat. And a...

Is that a good goat? Is that a good goat? I'm sorry. No, McNeely, do the goat. Goat! Goat! Alright, Marcus, how about a talking snake? Say hello. Hello!

Get it out of my mind! Alright, we're done. Marcus gets the award for most useless talent. Thank you. Congratulations. And yes, that is what I do when I'm alone. You guys ever watch that YouTube video

of the goat that screams like a man? You mean... Hey! Hey! It's so great. It's super fucking amazing. Eddie, that's what I miss about living with you is that we used to watch animal videos

all the time. I know, now I don't have a computer at the house isn't there a dog that says like yeah it's like what's going on you're doing alright yeah oh yeah it's fake though isn't it I don't know but I'm pretty sure it's fake have you guys ever seen those Russian cats that the noise they make is just no no no no no no no they get shot in the head. I just know those New York City rats are always just like,

hey, buddy, go fuck yourself, yeah. Hey, yeah, you got a cigarette? Fuck yeah. You got a fucking cigarette? Oh, you still like my tiny trucker hat? It has been a weekend of absolutely douchey Williamsburg human beings. Please can we talk about this? Okay, so we got this chick.

So this one girl, she's very, very nice. She brings over a friend And I was talking about The last cop hat This is over at your apartment So you guys can get More of the information On that side of it

On that episode But so basically You already did a whole episode Of another show about this story Not a whole episode Not a whole We talked about it for about Yeah three months

But now Kevin's here And all of the hate Was mostly directed at Kevin I mean it was to all of us But Kevin got the bread Kevin how did you feel when this... Okay, so a woman's over at our house. She's hanging out.

She finds out we're comedians. She assumes that we're supposed to be funny at all times or something like that. We were having fun. We were being funny. And then she sits down, and then after we were done doing our charade, we were making fun of another person

who's a totally douchey piece of white shit. Yeah, the worst. The worst white man on the planet. Oh, my God. Were you making fun of another person who's a totally douchey piece of white shit. Yeah, the worst. The worst white man on the planet. Oh, my God. Were you making fun of me? No, no, John. No, no, no. You're rarely the topic of conversation, but whatever you are, it's always exciting.

I've literally never spoken about you. I've actually never heard a John Moreno story without the preface, you know he was wasted. That's what I want to see on his tombstone. He was rarely spoken of. And I think he lies here. I don't know. I actually.

He's buried in a different graveyard. Nobody really spoke of him. He was drunk when he died. He fell in the wrong tomb. But Kevin, this woman said to Kevin Barnett, the very beautiful fellow over here. You look okay. And she said, he's doing okay. Walter, do you want to say something to Kevin?

I'm good. Because you guys seem to agree on transsexuals, which I think really proves Kevin's homosexuality. But that's a whole different brain that I want to think about. Believe what you will. But the thing is, she said you were not clever and she said you were not funny. And it was very, very aggressive and very, very rude. And the main thing, the one that got me the most was I was told I was going to be hanging out with comedians. And since I've been here, I haven't laughed once.

Man, you should have. She was literally in there for like six minutes. For like six to ten. I heard you went to shake her hand, Kevin. She didn't shake my hand. And she wouldn't shake your hand. What the fuck is this? It was a race thing.

I've never actually seen somebody say the N-word with their eyes before her. No, I saw it spelled out in her pupils, which was really weird. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just thought maybe she was tripping balls or something. But when I... I thought that I had went to get beer, and I left. I saw it. I was just like, oh, we're going to have a fun time. I came went to get beer And I left I saw I was just like

Ah we're gonna have a fun time I came in with a beer Like To like And we like slayed I heard Made her laugh for like an hour Just really just

Hamming it up Over there Because I thought that We were a room of comedians Having a good time It was just I mean I had no idea what was happening

Oh she was the worst Yeah that was horrible Anyway One other point I want to make About this fucking awful cunt bitch Is that she is a vegetarian And she came in in a rabbit fur coat Hipster cunt bitch

You were so many of them Hipster cunt bitch Leather boots Her leather boots You know what You know what And fucking burned to death in a fucking tomb together.

I'm down to hold it. I don't want you to hurt your back again. I wish for one night I could turn my cock into an actual bone, like a fucking bone with marrow in it,

and slice them with my own dick. I don't like that part. It's fine. It's fine. Fuck her, man. She was a vegetarian, still kind of fat.

I don't like that. She was fat with no breasts. She cheats a, man. She was a vegetarian. Still kind of fat. I don't like that. She was fat with no breasts. She cheats a lot. She cheats a lot. I bet she just fucking eats cheese and pasta all day like a goddamn rat. That bitch is farting pasta. She is the worst.

Kevin, you're not gay. I'm sorry. What was her name? What was her name? Oh, Jenny. Jenny. We don't know the last name. Yeah, if we had our last name. We don't know. No, no, no. Please? We can't go. No, no, no. I don't remember. I don't remember. No, Oh, Jenny. Jenny, ah. We don't know the last name. Yeah, if we had our last... No, no, no. We can't go...

No, no, no. I don't remember. No, no, no. We don't do names. We don't do names, but her name is Jenny. But the thing is, Kissel's been seeing her friend kinda sorta, and now he doesn't want to see her anymore. Her friend, by the way, is awesome.

Yeah, her friend's great. Alright, okay, okay. And now you don't want to see her anymore. You gotta judge by the way, is awesome. Yeah, her friend's great. All right, okay, okay. And now you don't want to see her anymore. You've got to judge people by their... Look at this. I've got beautiful Callum. I was just saying, I'm friends with you. People judge me all the time.

I'm the bad friend. How many women have I lost? I'm the bad friend. None. You never lost a woman. Women love me. No. I will say, that is true.

Women do love you. My girlfriend loves you I'll say she rode the train home with you last night And she had very nice things to say about the trip Absolutely She had a report And she was really surprised But every single time they spent one on one time

She's like He was cleanly And he was very polite He kept his hands to himself I do make a point to not leave my lap with my hands And he was very polite. He kept his hands to himself. I do make a point to not leave my lap with my hands. I don't really remember what I do with my hands, but whenever I'm around a girlfriend or a friend or something,

I'm always just like, hands in the lap. It's just like when I remember it. His hands are so gigantic, he has accidentally raped women before. No, I haven't. That's ridiculous, Holden. It's an accident, though. It's a rape? Either way.

Blouses are just so fragile. The buttons just pop off. Puppet, pumpkin, pumpkin. See, it's not rape. It's kind of like manslaughter to murder. Yeah. You know, he didn't mean to do it, but it happened. But it happened. So he should probably be locked away.

All right, well, next story. This is one that Eddie loves in particular. What, a pedophile corner? No. Oh, Ed, that was too antsy, Ed. A little too excited. Jesus. A nine-year-old Ukrainian boy caused...

Sounds like pedophile corner. A nine-year-old Ukrainian boy caused a big headache for his parents by spending their entire life savings on candy. First off, I have two questions for this. No, I have a question and a statement. Their life savings was $10. Yeah, Jackie! Okay, how did he have access to that money?

Well, the candy was actually stashed in cash underneath their couch, and he slowly picked it away and spent the four grand. Yeah, during a school vacation, the boy took nearly $4,000 from his parents' stash of euros and dollars, which was stowed oh-so-securely under the couch with the help of an adult described as having a mental disorder. Candy!

Candy money! Candy! Candy money! Slow Benny living next door. I don't know about this name of his. They stored the cash where you're supposed to store dust. With the help of the man, the boy converted them into Ukrainian kirovnyaz, which is apparently their dollars. Which is just a bunch of dead birds.

Dead birds, coconut shavings, something real bizarre. His accomplice got a cut of the cash, then it was off to the candy shop. Oh, my God. Unfortunately, the haul was too much to eat On his own so he shared it with pals Oh so he did it all at once No he did it all at once Why would a candy shop let a child

Buy 4,000 euros worth of food No no no it wasn't a child The mentally unbalanced adult Why would you let a mentally unbalanced person Because it's the Ukraine They don't know the difference. This guy saw dollar signs in the other guy's eyes. A retard walks in a candy store.

That's the beginning of a joke. And a great sales day. I mean, since it is the Ukraine, did you just sell him the shop? No, no, no. You sell the candy, keep the shop. Keep selling him more candy. He's going to come back for it. You're not a businessman, Walter.

Stop pretending to be. No, Walter. You're very good at business. Oh, man. You got to milk him. You got to milk him. Like jerk him off? Yeah, that's what it sounds like.

The big thing is if you're a proper businessman, what you do is you just tell him, Oh, this Snickers? You want the Snickers? That'll be 4,000 dead birds. And then you just get all of it in one go and you don't lose any inventory. I know all about tricking retards. Well, you are, you have relatives

that are mildly retarded. An entire family. Everyone loves Gary. Everyone except for you and Jackie, in fact. What? Retarded. Yes. Are you afraid one day you'll wake up retarded? I read Flowers for Algernon and I cried and I thought it was real.

All I ever want to live the simple life of a retard must be so beautiful to look at a flower and never think, oh, I have to be somewhere. Confused as to why your sad part wants me. Holden, I'm upset because I,

how dare you equate retardation to gayness because everyone wakes up gay sometimes? That's the thing. I mean, I've woken up and been fucking

taking balls. Well, Ben, you have foster brothers who are retarded who share this innocence of life that Henry's talking about. It's not innocence.

They're mean. And all the retarded people do is succeed because they don't know they're failing. And they're all mad at you. My younger brother, I love him to death, he's got an Xbox. He's got a Wii. He's actually banging a relatively attractive retarded

chick with big tits. And every time I talk to him, every time I talk to him, every time I talk, Hey Ben, how I talk to him, every time I talk, Hey, Ben, how you doing? I'm okay. You suck. You're failing.

All he does is tell me that I'm failing. And then I'm like, no, but you're not doing good. He's like, I'm pushing carts, banging a bitch. And I'm like, you are. And I'm like, you're winning. It sounds like you're talking to Kevin Burnett. I know. It's sad.

It is so sad. I got to hang out with this guy. He's a great time to hang out with. He's done so much. I got to hang out with this guy. He's a great time to hang out with. He went to the Dolphins game today. I mean, the guy's a fucking champion. It was so funny. I heard him talking to his brother the other day.

And he's like, no, I'm not going to send you $30. He wants money. He wants money. And I say, no. He said, oh, you're not making any money. You're not making any money. And I'm like, I know I'm not making any money. All he wants is my money, but he's got everything.

They live the fucking dream, man. Yeah, man, that's pretty awesome. Someone hit me in the head. I want to get real dumb. I want to get real dumb. To be that dumb to not realize it. I have a theory that both the Zebrowskis have the Asperger's of retardation.

That's a good theory. That's why they're so funny is that they're actually severely retarded to the point where... Will you talk about John? John, you don't say that about John. I'm sorry. Do you want some rock soup? No, I want some rock soup.

This rock soup is so hard for me to eat. You see, that's my real voice. This is a character I put on. You learned that in college, Henry, right? You learned that in college. Dialect. My dialect teacher taught me this is how a person speaks. And I was like, but they don't want my body Irish.

And she goes, I hate his height right learn it all like I actually I heard a sweet story actually about the original bugs all right okay first of all John hold on and how do you feel when John talks oh no I was out of breath oh okay Oh, okay. From the city? What are you doing right now? Holding through his back out, making his bed. You're on a breath from the city. What are we doing here? I stood up from taking a shit earlier, and I thought I was going to pass out from the pain. From standing up.

So taking a shit, you threw your back out taking a shit? It was like, no, that was after I fucked up my back. It was like a lot too long after. But I stood up, and then I was sitting there trying to wipe myself. Just going like, oh, sitting there trying to wipe myself just going like, oh, oh, trying to wipe myself. And then I had to, and I was like, this is a window into me getting old. Like I had to bend over to pull my pants up, but I couldn't bend down.

So I was just like slowly pulling my pants up over my body like, lazy, lazy. Oh. So you, I feel so bad for your girlfriend right now. So you stand up to wipe your ass? Yeah, I do. I stand up as well.

Who looks at it? Not everybody. Yeah, it's actually kind of 50% of the time. Who looks at it? Who looks at their poo in the light? Every time. Okay, let's do a snap. People don't.

I do like a side butt. Yeah, people don't. Not everybody stands up. I don't stand up. I don't stand up. What do you guys do about the under thing? Yeah, I go under. Yeah, I go under, not everybody stands up and not everybody sits down. What do you guys do about the under thing? Yeah, I go under. No, no, because all the shit

is going to end up on your balls. Yeah, but what if you like shit on your balls? I love shit on my balls, daddy. Come on. I wish everyone could have seen the acknowledgement of what Ed said and Henry and I look at each other like with, what? Why would you do that?

You're gonna get it on your front. Women can't do that because you're gonna get it on your puss. Yeah, you sound like the Hulk. That's how the Hulk wipes his ass. Oh, that's how the poo eats honey. This is horrible. Do you wipe your puss when you pee? Yeah, of course. That's not horrible, that's clean.

I mean, how old are you? I mean... 12? You look like you're 30! Burn! Burn! Alright, and now it is time for... Pedophile Corner. Ah!

I saw the pictures on your computer, Marcus, and I was really hoping it was Pedophile Corner, because they are doozy. Oh, yeah. I just want to know about... This is a bit of a mild pedophile corner as far as the age goes. The mother of a 17-year-old boy who was groomed for sex by... This is a pedophile corner.

This gets too old. Oh, come on. I'm disappointed. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. Eddie, you're sad that a child wasn't raised. Saddy! Eddie, listen to the word groomed. Yeah. I'm disappointed. I'm sad. You're sad that a child wasn't raised. Sad-ay. Eddie, listen to the word groomed.

Yeah. Took a while. Took a while. The mother of a 17-year-old boy who was groomed for sex by two married teachers is outraged that a judge had handed them probation instead of a jail sentence. Gay Davidson Shepard, 60. His first name is Gay? Her first name is Gay.

Davidson Shepard, 60. His first name is Gay. Her first name is Gay. And her husband, Daniel Shepard, 63, pleaded guilty to multiple felony counts of sex crimes against a high school student from Huntington Beach, California. Can we see these two? Yes, you can. Look over at the monitor.

Why does she have a black eye? Horrifying! I would be outraged, too. That bitch is way too old and ugly. Holden, you gotta teach this bitch how to duck. So she wouldn't take his last name. She'd put a hyphen there. Yeah.

But what she should have done is taken his first name because her fucking name is gay. Yeah. Yeah. That's ridiculous. Well, she didn't take the last name, but she fucking interacted in sex crimes With a fucking

A boy? Stop getting outraged Alright So what's up with the kid? How strong is he? How good was he at fucking? You can judge for yourself The two teachers invited the boy over to play Board games and plied him with

Alcohol in 2009 Oh they're bad pedophiles That's ridiculous. Oh, they're bad pedophiles. Board games in 2009? You gotta play a fucking video game. Under the hot water. sexual relationship as gay performed oral sex on both the boy and her husband. Under the hot water. And her husband that first night in the hot tub. Oh, bullshit. He was 17 and got a blowjob.

He was 14 at the time. From a 60 year old woman. Yeah, that's the thing. Clothes are needed to make those people attractive. When you're 17, a blowjob's a blowjob. I guess? I don't think so. When you're 7, a blowjob is a blowjob. I guess? I don't think so. When you're 7, a blowjob is a blowjob. It's always a blowjob. He was also 14.

It was in 2009. Oh, he was 14? Yeah. They carried out sex acts on the boy on a weekly basis for the next 8 months. Oh! That's the problem though. Anytime he sees a sorry board he gets hard as a rock. You've ruined the game of Clue for me.

Did he fuck the man? Did the man do stuff with him? It doesn't say, but I'd imagine there was probably one awkward week during those eight months where he didn't show up for a couple of weeks because he was weirded out because the man tickled his balls. But that's just my theory. I imagine they were just both tag team and gay. Yeah.

I can't believe that they just my theory. I imagine they would risk both tag team and gay. Yeah. I can't believe that they only got probation. This seems very horrible. Well, that's what's wrong about this story. Well, that is why the mother of the boy is outraged. Yeah, I'd be outraged. I'm outraged. I don't even know the kid.

But the boy obviously was a willing participant. He was 14, John. He was 17. I thought you said he was 17. No, he's 17. You're 14, John. He was 17. I thought you said he was 17. You're not good at math. He's 17. He was 14 when this happened. That's fucked up. And this happened in Huntington Beach.

That's a nice area anyway. California. You expect this type of story to come from Florida. Do you think he's like, banging other girls while he's also banging this old couple? I doubt it. Yeah, he's probably just ruined.

Yeah. Do you think so, or do you think he walks around like, like, staying alive, walking down the street, pointing at people? He's eight. I feel like 14, at least he's... No, he's a 14-year-old. He's ashamed of anything sexual. That's just you, John. Some 14-year-olds love to fuck.

Oh, my fucking God. Well, I mean, I actually do have an answer for you, Henry. Both. Both teachers had sex with the boy. Gay and gay. Gay and gay. He graduated Bellatorian, though, and that's all that really matters. I don't think he did.

You don't think so? Say that he probably had a very low average. Were they teachers at his school? Of course. He told his mother. That's how they got caught. I go, I bang them.

You didn't know that? You know, he's just like, what do you do over at the Henderson homes? Like, I fuck them. You might mention the board games first, though. I'm surprised you haven't asked till now, but yeah, no, we fuck. Does anyone else think that he's kind of in trouble?

Think about it. Well, yeah, he's definitely in trouble. It's the board game. It was a joke on the board game. Oh! He was in a real mouse trap.

He got caught in a real mouse trap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think of that joke as a bunch of balderdash. Henry, Henry,

Henry, I bet those teachers are sorry. That joke was already made. You have a drinking problem. Apples to apples. Apples to apples. Well, I'm sure that the boy and the husband were apples to apples a number of times when they were going on top of gay.

That's my favorite position. Can we please not with the jokes? The boy was raped, Henry. Can we please not with the jokes? The boy was raped. Man, I tell you, all this wouldn't have happened if Miss Gay there wasn't such a hungry, hungry hippo.

I did it! Gobbling him up! You did it! Yes! Oh, man. But it can only happen in this wonderful game of life. Am I right?

And now now we're going to move on to another sexual abuse story. Yay! A Midwest pastor has been

charged with sexually assaulting two male clients he was counseling to help them escape their homosexual tendencies.

Oh no shit. So what he was just jerking them off and telling them this is how they're not gay anymore? I'm sorry, son. This is what you don't do. This is what you don't do. Your father didn't love you, but I do.

Reverend Ryan J. Muehlhauser, who had served as a senior pastor of the Lakeside Christian Church in Cambridge, Minnesota, was charged with eight felony counts on Tuesday for fondling and initiating sexual contact with the young adults as he conducted therapy for their gay tendencies. The married father of two allegedly instructed one client to strip naked and masturbate in front of the pastor

and another client, claims Muehlhauser, regularly placed his hands on the young man's genitals during counseling sessions, calling the contact blessings. Oh! That's a way to sell it. Real quick, guys, on that note, I've got to go

because someone wrote a news article about me, so I've got to get going. Walter, I'm sorry. I love you guys. Bye, Walter. Walter, before you go, can you give me a blessing? You know what? I bet he did it.

Again, John? Again? I bet he rubbed gold bond on his hands, and then he'd rub the dick so it'd be like, oh, I can feel the spirit. That's a vapo rub. Vapo rub. He does the thing where he rings the bell every time they get hard, you know, like in Catholic, when they ring the bell.

Dong. He's trying to wean them off of the gayness, man. The hand job is a nicotine patch. It is the least gay thing that you could possibly do to a man. Stroke off his cock. Here is a picture of the man.

He loves life. He's so happy. He's loving life. He's got great skin. If I could spend the whole day blessing the world, I would. I mean, that just looks like a man who loves the Lord. The Lord of cock.

Yeah. Monopoly. Everything you say is good, Jackie. My fucking monopoly, bitches. And let me ask you guys if this is fair He faces 10 years in prison What? And that gay bitch gets nothing? Exactly

For fucking being gay with gay dudes Okay So hold on Actually this is also Another pedophile corner story because they were minors. Oh, don't touch me. Does not say how old they were, but they were minors. So he stroked off two dicks and he's looking at 10 years in prison.

And this is in America. Five years a dick? But also under the guise of helping them. Yeah. Also, you need to take people like this and make them an example for other people that are going to lie and say, Oh, I'm going to help you. I'm going to help you. And really, they're just going to give you a blessing by making you jizz all over across. But he made them cum.

It seems like this punishment's a little stiff. I agree. You see what I did? Rarely is something punny and accurate. I mean, I agree. It does seem like quite a bit. You really think it's too much? I think it's a bit hard.

You fucking... Yeah, yeah. All right. We actually, now that Marcus is gone, Marcus just left the room. John, we haven't been recording this entire time. This is an intervention. This is an intervention about you and your alcoholism.

That's why we called in Murder Fit. Can I please start? Hold it, please. John, when you drink, you're like just way more fun. No, no, hold it. It's the truth. I'm just telling the truth. I have a fucking awesome time with you and you're wasted.

It's like when I'm sober, I'm just angry all the time. It's boring and it's bad. I know. But when you're drunk, you're telling the truth. I have a fucking awesome time with you and you're wasted. It's like when I'm sober, I'm just angry all the time. It's boring and it's bad. I know. But when you're drunk, you're like the coolest. Yeah, your real personality, the one that you really like, thumbs down. I know. Okay, guys, this intervention is not working out perfectly. I feel like you're doing the reverse of what we're supposed to be doing.

Okay, how about I'll say this. You should smoke more weed. I have been. Yeah. I'm high right now. I know. It's awesome. I feel great. I fucking love it. So I don't know.

Marcus, Marcus, come back in the room. Alright, Marcus is back. You need to get back here. Sorry, what? We're trying to give John an intervention. Zoe is the best thing for me getting high ever. She's always rolling those sweet high. You're not supposed to say the names. Are you fucking up again, John?

No, Marcus. We solved his problems. Okay. We told him to keep drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. See him sober. Well, we've got a little bit of animal news before we get to a segment from Holden McNeely.

All right. The frightening scene of hundreds of deer jumping to their deaths off a 120-foot bridge in Idaho is bewildering wildlife officials who are finding themselves at a loss on what to do. How many deer is hundreds of deer? And do they have red eyes? And you can't stop them? Do they have a number? I mean, hundreds.

Like, hundreds, so that's at least 200 deer. I'd say hundreds is at least 300 deer. Really? Wow, that is quite an estimation. That is a Texas estimation. We say 200, they estimate big now. Yeah. With motorists and state officials catching sight of the deer's tragic leap and fall off High Bridge just east of Boise,

witnesses are rallying for some way to prevent their tragic deaths. Quote, I've seen it myself and some of our staff have seen it too. Evan O'Neill, a manager with the Idaho Fish and Game Development, told KBOI, Mr. O'Neill believes it's when the deer are crossing the bridge and are startled by an oncoming car that they take the jump. I feel like really it's a cult that there is a big deer that's telling them that if they jump off the bridge they'll be a reindeer. And they'll be able to be here

with Santa Claus. You see, I just think that... It's like the deer heaven's gate. That's fat man hunting. That's what that is. You just scare them in the river and they drown. Blow up a bridge.

All right, Dale. Bring them to the bridge. I'm driving through. We'll fish them out. Of course it's a fucking deal. Why do you have all those fishing hooks? Oh, we're going hunting. We're going deer fishing, but deer don't live in the river.

Well, they do when they jump. They do when they jump. Wow, that's a big bridge. Over on the screen, that is the bridge they're jumping off of. Oh my god. Do the town folk kind of... Do they're jumping off. Oh, my God. Shit, man. Do the town folk kind of...

Do they have pictures of all the deer bodies? Oh, I hope they do. No, those are just deer. Actually, there are some pictures of the deer bodies. Oh, there are pictures. Oh, no. The bodies here are... Save them.

The bodies here are encased in ice because they jump directly into an ice-covered river. That looks like a bunch of deer-flavored daiquiris. Marcus, tell me some local purveyor is at least cooking and eating these deer. You don't eat the fucking crazy deer that jump off the bridge. It's like mad cow disease. But that's wasting good venison. No, it's wasting it. They wasted themselves.

It's suicide. If there's anything John hates more, it's wasting good venison. That'll be right next to his tombstone. Next to who is this? It's the venison guy. Oh, the venison guy. Is that a bunch of different words? He had a crazy theory that deer were filled with gin.

So you just cut them open. You just ladle out the gin in the inside. Never waste a deer, he said. And this is not a brand new phenomenon. In January of 2004 alone, more than 100 deer plummeted to their

deaths off of this bridge. I think that was also what happened when deer Robert Pattinson broke up with his dear girlfriend and they got very sad and jumped off the bridge Jesus Christ It's a pumpkin joke The pumpkins are with you

It's the world of pain What is the most physically painful thing that's ever happened to you Ed wanted to start I knew exactly what I was going to you. Ed wanted to start. Yeah, I'm glad I started. I knew exactly what I was going to say. Marcus is going to rate it on a pain-o-meter of screams and the winner gets

a clap ad at the end of the fucking stupid show. Alright, Ed, go. Alright, to be honest, I've been kind of lucky in my life. I live in constant pain, but that's got nothing to do with it. It's just minor little pains. The worst pain I've ever had was migraines that I used to get

at 11 a.m. every day for two weeks. I get this very concentrated migraine behind my left eyeball and I literally couldn't do anything but pee my pants. It hurt so bad. I remember because I was saying

I lived with Ed at the time when he was having these migraines yeah and i've never seen a man act this i was i couldn't walk i was it would happen at work i remember one time at work uh i was working with a very wonderful lady she gave me a a bunch of uh percocet i ate three percocets and it like it started to go down a little bit and it was so painful like after I had my hernia surgery I ate three Percocets and I was fucking doing heel clicks you know like

but like it was like it went down a little bit and then I was just I was in so much pain I couldn't work I couldn't do anything and then I remember New York State of Mind came on and I was listening to the song real intense and I almost started

I almost started to cry and then I realized I was on three Percocets. And that was the most painful part. I almost cried at Billy Joel's song. You want to meet?

I'll do mine next. I'm going to go with... It's not even that bad.'m super lucky way luckier than edward pain uh i broke my wrist both the bones really and my wrist in soccer practice what made it so much worse though was i like tripped over a ball and all the soccer other my teammates thought that i was just doing a joke so as i'm screaming in the worst pain i've ever been in a bunch of kids are pointing and laughing at me. Like, I'm fucking around.

I'm like, I'm not fucking around. They're just like, you're so funny. You always do the funniest things. It was a nightmare. I don't know. That sounds okay. Because you're still funny. Yeah, that was the thing.

It made him funnier. Yeah. That's what broke in your funny bone. Whoa! I loved it. It made him funnier. That's what broke in your funny bone. Scrabble. I loved it. Scrabble. My worst

pain that I ever had was I was a fat little kid. I know. It's weird. I went to the beach once with my best friend, Joey Stoffel, and he was a little Italian kid, and he didn't have to wear any sunscreen. So I didn't wear any sunscreen at the beach when I'm like nine or ten.

And I get these. I go out in the sun for all day, all day long, totally pale like I am today. I go out in the sun for all day all day long totally pale like I am today and when I got home I had second near third degree burns all over my shoulders and my back and so at night time I went to the burn yet and the big thing was it was like we were supposed to go

to Six Flags and we had to cancel a whole trip because I couldn't go on a thing and I was like so mad and I was covering these feverish blisters and I couldn't sleep for days and days and days because it was like the worst thing Do you remember this Jackie? I do. I completely remember this. So I used to just, because I had to sit upwards. What did it look like?

What did his back look like? Well, I was like six, so I wasn't allowed to see it. But I remember... Wow! Don't look at it. I remember my mom had to like spend like an hour changing the bandages because the blisters would break.

And then it was like one night. No, bro. No. So the most painful point of the whole thing was so at night I'm just so frustrated

about how horrible it is and I had to be perched up in a chair with ice all over my back. So one night I was like fuck this. I'm so sick of these blisters. I took off the bandages

and then just popped all the blisters on my back. Just thinking that like I could just stop the process. And I literally, because it's like four o'clock in the morning because I hadn't slept in days. And I remember like,

just like going like, the worst like no scream pain like on the face of the night. Yeah, it was horrible. I got a feeling that made you who you are today. I feel stronger margaret doesn't wear a shirt when he goes to the beach let's do it this will be the mini round let's do the screamometer for just ed me and henry we'll get a winner of that and then we'll move on all right for you i'm gonna go not bad It's not bad. It's not bad. And then Eddie, I'm going to go, how?

Fuck! I said that. Yeah. But for Henry, I'm going to have to go. Because you were an adult. And so you were able to kind of handle it a little bit better because you've had, as you said, a lot of pain in your life. Yeah. So you're kind of used to it.

Henry was an innocent, fat little child. He was a fat little child, but now I'm a big, grown, strong, built man. No. Fit. Looking tight. Yeah. None of that is true. I think I have a story to top all those guys.

Yeah. Well, it's not your turn yet, John. We're going to move on. Henry wins round one. I had the most pain. Henry goes into the finals. Kevin, what do you got for us? All right, well, I think the worst thing was, I don't know, this may be the worst thing. It was right after I had ACL and meniscus surgery.

And they're supposed to put a nerve block on you that lasts for two days. I had the option of staying in the hospital for the two days. I left because my mom was like, nah, she's a nurse. I'll just go to the house. Yeah, exactly. The nerve block

wore off in three hours. So I get back to the house. And they gave me Percocet But the thing was I was allergic to it apparently So every time I tried To eat the Percocet I'd just throw it up immediately

So I was just sitting At the house And literally I could feel Every cut they made They were allergic To the keyer? Yeah

And then they made Three incisions I can feel the big one I can feel the ones on the side And I can feel Where the screws were In my leg I can feel literally

Every single thing And I remember They gave me this machine i forget what it was called it's supposed to start pumping your leg from the beginning so you can get mobility back yeah the thing is that people don't know is like when you have that surgery only my brothers didn't know it because they're fucking dumb as fuck but you you can't there's no power in your leg like i literally i went i think i weighed 210 when i had the surgery a month later i weighed 168 like i had lost a ton of weight and it's like there's no power in your leg you can't do anything so they're like holding my leg supposed to be putting this thing this machine down i'm like screaming the whole time

because the nerve block's completely gone i'm supposed to sit down and put my leg on this machine they're holding my leg and then when one of my brothers says something to the other one and he lets go of my leg and it just goes down completely and it wasn't it's supposed to stay completely straight the machine is only supposed to stay completely straight. The machine is only supposed to move at five degrees at this point. So I feel every screw pulling as it's doing it. And then the other one screams and drops the machine on top of my knee. It's also funny, which is kind of shitty.

Can this be over? I'm sick of it. Yeah, no. That's all you need. That's all you need. I can't. God, does anyone have anything to talk about? I also want to mention right now that Kevin is actually wearing a hat that says knee hurt.

Oh, yeah. I'm still fucked up, dude. I think that's why it's like permanently still fucked up from that moment. I am sick to my stomach Because I feel like it's still fucked up because of that moment the doctor I went to was like the UM football team doctor He worked with the Dolphins to he was a beast cuz my mom is a doctor. She's a nurse She's head nurse at Jackson Miami She's one with the best guy and they fucked it up just in that moment like Jack's I could feel the screws pulling and shit

And they fucked it up just in that moment. Because I could feel the screws pulling and shit. Oh, ow. Professional pain. Jesus Christ. And it was like, I dealt with, like, mind-numbing pain for, like, a month because I couldn't take any painkillers. That's so sad. Does anybody else want to go? I mean, I just got really cold.

I walked to Blockbuster in a storm. I get all pink and That's pretty much it. I was curious as to what Jackie's story, what is the worst pain that you've had? My cavities. I had four cavities at one time. This is nowhere near Kevin.

I was just curious because I figured that you've only lived a life of pamperedness and have never been hurt. I have. A man roughed her breasts up a little too much. Yeah, but that's... That's true. You want to say something about it?

No, I had four cavities at once and they had put the Novocaine in and I am a prissy baby baby. And I was like, make sure you put enough Novocaine in because they had to do all four at once. And so I felt the needles go in and I was like,

oh, okay. Turned out to be a dick. No, they just didn't give me enough Novocaine. And they started drilling, and I felt it completely. That's a horror story. And it was like my entire skull was vibing. I had one of those.

And I started to cry, and they were like, you are fine, you just feel the pressure. And I was screaming. I'm like... And they didn't believe me. That's the horror movie, by the way.

15 minutes. That's the horror movie we have to make. A dude, it's all in the brain of the man who is not sedated enough. The dentist. The dentist, yeah. Is he safe? Is that what it is?

Let's not forget Dr. Giggles. Well, a little bit, but just the mind of the person who is getting penetrated and just feel that pain and go into their brain. But also when it comes down to it, fuck their brain. But when it comes down to it, fuck not believing you.

When it comes down to it, if you're in pain no matter what you're feeling, you're like, fucking give me the shot. I'm in pain. All right, John. What was your top? John's pretty bad. I don't know if I can top him. I'll say I did.

All my wisdom teeth came in perfectly. Like a nice venison. Thank you. The doctor said I should remove them and I was like, fuck you. They came in fine. All four of them got cavities on Thanksgiving Day

and they all kicked in at the same time and all the dentists were closed all weekend. So I literally was just chewing on Percocet and taking shots of whiskey. Kevin can't even take Percocet. To try and sleep. But that's not, no, that's just it. Also, I broke my arm. I snapped it.

A compound fracture. I snapped it. It's got a huge scar. Yes, I feel like you're the number one. Both the bones popped out, but I was in shock, so I didn't even feel it. The worst part about it was I couldn't use my arm for nine months. Yeah. So you had to jerk off using an old piece of wood.

Oh, I could jerk off. I only jerk off with my left hand now. Really? Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Well, me too, but that's just because I had to use the mouse with the right hand.

Okay. Yeah. But the physical therapy... That's a bit of a data reference, the mouse, I think, Marcus. I think it's a bit of a data reference. It's mouse pad, Marcus. The physical therapy to relearn how to use my fingers, the slightest movement of every finger felt like someone was making me do a full split.

My blood. That physical therapy was the fucking worst but that's not even the worst pain I've ever had. The worst pain, that was months and months and months of physical therapy and it was horrible. The worst pain I ever had happened in five minutes and it happened when I was like 16 or 17

and I was at home and no one else was home and I was just... Daddy! No, no. I was in the kitchen and I don't even know what happened it was like I had like a burp that went wrong and all of a sudden it like went into my mouth and then it went into one of my teeth and then all of a sudden I was like oh no oh no no no no no and it felt like a single burp went into one of my molars. And the air was trapped in my tooth.

And the air was trying to release itself. And it literally felt like my fucking tooth was going to explode in my fucking mouth. And within a matter of seconds, I just screamed bloody murder and collapsed into the fetal position. Just, like, screaming like, Did you vomit, though? I didn't vomit. The air finally came through my tooth, and I just was shaking violently on the floor. And no one was home,

so I'm thinking to myself, I'm having a stroke, no one's home, and I'm gonna fucking die because no one's home. Jesus Christ. I have no idea what the fuck that was, but air trying to escape through a fucking, the holes in a tooth.

That was the most painful thing I've ever had. So odd. You know, I want to make, Baruch, also I want to say. That's how much air hates you. I'm a little shocked. Nothing with the balls. Yeah. A little shocked.

Well, I mean, I'll say before we declare Kevin the fucking winner. Because Kevin's definitely the winner. Yeah, Kevin's definitely the winner. I played football in high school and all through junior high. It was just called Oval Thing. I was actually Oval Thing over the line. Strangely enough, I wasn't bad.

I was okay. Your brothers were very good. My brothers were All-American. What position did you play? Running back and safety. He looks like a safety. He'd be a horrible running back. I did you play? Running back. Okay. And safety. How was that, Ed? He looks like a safety. He'd be a horrible running back. Okay. I was a much better running... I played six

men football, which is a totally different game. It really is. Yeah, yeah. It's all based on quickness, height, and... Stupidity. No. But I was... Right at the beginning of the season, my junior year.

I'm running a sweep, and this guy comes up behind me, this little dude, who is really, he's like 5'5", but he's strong as fuck. And I've got big feet. I've got like a size 12, size 13 shoe, depending on the shoe. And he grabs me at the back of my pads and gets it at just the right moment and pulls me down where my foot gets caught on the ground and it gets bent down so far that it puts a crack in my entire leg the top to the bottom and i walked half a mile from the practice field back to the field house and then drove to where my parents worked so on a broken leg by trophy means a road up cow yeah

and I walked that whole Texas Cadillac yeah and I walked all that way and drove all that way on a broken leg so no one could call me a pussy. Wow. Nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So fuck all you guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No yelling at us. When I did the tour to ACL Meniscus, it was a similar situation. Because when I was in high school, I used to be real heavy into BMX. I was obsessed with it. And so you got to deal with a ton of pain. I remember literally having the pedals stuck in my shin at one point. we're just like like he's fucking insane like i would do shit like that yeah when i tore the acl meniscus it was like it was like some taekwondo shit and i remember the way it felt was like it was like i landed and my leg was too straight and i remember my body going this way my like

under my calf staying this way and then it snapped and shot me forward the other way yeah like i didn't know i still didn't know what was wrong so i got up and it was like i had to share the car with my brother so i didn't that was the one day i had the car and i remember i was gonna go to publics and shit so like i got up and i didn't think i was fully fucked yet i like walked it was like about a half a mile or miles where the car was drove the car and went to publics and kind of just like limped around the publics and got groceries and then went back home and then it was only like a week or two later that I figured out that my shit was fucked up. Yeah.

I mean, with a broken leg you figure that shit out pretty immediately especially when you hear a crack that everyone on the field

including your coach heard. It's like, oh, that was loud. So, Scream-O-Meter from...

That was Kevin. How about John and Jackie? Alright, let's wrap this fucker up Do you have a story? No Kellen's lived a great life Any painful butt-fuckings or dick-suckings?

I mean, that's a specific thing I don't know Alright It happens Have you had a dark secret? That's a specific thing. I don't know. All right. It happens. That sounds like a bunch. Have you had a dark secret? Kelly, can you, what's the most painful butt fuck that's ever happened to you? That's what I was going to say.

I was just like, oh, yeah, getting fucked in the ass. It's like, that's a painful thing. And you've been fucked in the ass many, many times. How was the first time for you? I mean, it's weird. All right, there you go. Buttfucking feels weird. It is weird.

You heard it here first. On the round table, gentlemen. Buttfucking feels weird. That's Jackie, and then Ed, and then Holden, and Kevin. Thank you so much. I'm really sick about your story, Kevin. Kevin was amazing. And Marcus, thank you. And Henry Zabrowski, thanks for being here, buddy.

And Kellen, and then Walter. And let's say Jared was here as well. Yeah, why not? Just for fun. In spirit. And thank you to our sponsors, AdamandEve.com. AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR to give us a little bit of cut on your lube purchase.

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