The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 122: The Look of a Man Who Did His Best

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 122nd episode of the Round Table: a notorious cross-dresser is charged with killing and dismembering his wife, a man is unjustly imprisoned because his dog ate a cat, and a heroic goat attacks a teenager. Joining us this week: Dan Wilbur and Amber Nelson!

The Round Table Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds Lay out gentlemen and let them go watch what? Fire at will It's time for action gentlemen The Round Table What's the topic of discussion? Civility gentlemen, always civility

You wanna get to go with it? Yeah! Hey! What changed, Jackie? What did you say? I thought it was time for screaming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the screaming round table of gentlemen. Hi! How you doing?

I'm Jackie Zabrowski and I'm here to fucking pray for you dick twat pieces of shit. Fine, do it! It is the week of Thanksgiving. Who gives a fuck? I'm glad it's almost over. And I'm really happy this year that I've got Snap Shirts.

I don't think it is almost over. It's Sunday. Are you showing me your breasts as well? What the fuck, Jack? Just a spell out of her shirt on the table. You can't splash the Lord. I got snaps on my shirt, Lord, and it's all for you. Lord, buy her a shirt with buttons.

What is wrong with you? All the buttons on all my other shirts popped off. I got fat this year, Lord. Thank you so much for that. And I'm hoping to get fatter. Amen. Can't get much fatter than the round table of gentlemen. Oh, yeah, yeah. What's up, Eddie?

Pound for pound, the heaviest podcast. Pound for pound. Absolutely. All right, who's everybody here? You are there. Jackie, I'm Ed. How you doing? Holden McNeely, chicken bones.

Good job, buddy. Why, Holden? Chicken turkey bones. Chicken bones. I don Holden Turkey bones Chicken bones I don't know Yeah Yeah man Kevin Barnett

That's it Let's do it God you're so great And amazing Kevin And then as soon as It's funny Because you hear Holden Talking

You're like I hate life And then when you hear Kevin talking You're like wow It's okay It's the whole reason He's after Holden Yeah exactly

So people turn off The show Vote for me For mayor Alright and then I'm Ben there And we got Dan Wilber Sitting in so people don't turn off the show. Vote for me for mayor! Alright, and then I'm Ben there. And we got Dan Wilber sitting in. Thank you, Dan. Hello. Chuckle Hutton.

And Dan, what's the name of that book you wrote and the website that people can look at it and shit? It's called How Not to Read. It tells you how to never read books again. And it's betterbooktitles.com. Boners! So it's a book titles.com boners and how is it uh so it's a book i'm telling you how not to read other books yeah how's it selling uh you know bad not good i mean doesn't it i mean guys just self-destruct i'm here so uh i'm here promoting it and this is

this is on npr right yeah and i must, in order to promote it, he did buy us three six-packs of Bud Heavy. Hey, team! Budweiser! Cheers! Shout out to Budweiser! Read a book and drink a Bud! Dan, are you going to release it on audio?

Sure. If you'll read it. I'll read it on audio. Sure, if you'll read it. I'll read it on audio. I'll read it and add whatever. If you drunkenly read it, I'll submit that to them. I think that sounds great. Yeah, whatever you want me to drunkenly do, I will do drunkenly. The audio for your book is just you over and over going, stop reading.

Why are you reading this? Don't read. Stop it. All right. Put it down in the newspaper. It's just by the time it comes out, it'll be like, please buy my next book. It's a CD. All right.

And then, of course, Amber, I feel like you feel alone. Amber Nelson, a roundtable favorite and the most beautiful woman that's ever graced this place next to Jackie Zabrowski. It's real equals over here. Yeah, she's sitting right next to you. Yeah. That's right. It's a real hot roundtable corner.

I'm number two. Real duty. Our God is an awesome God, everybody. Thanksgiving. Thank you, Amber. That's my uncle's ringtone. Oh, God. Isn't that nice? He's a horrible person. And of course, that guy talking is the newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what stories do you got for us this

week? A 74-year-old woman has been found dismembered in her California home with her husband, described by neighbors as a notorious cross-dresser in the community, arrested in connection to the grisly crime. Police say it was an overpowering smell pouring from the Oceanside home that prompted neighbors of Anna Maria and Frederick Hengel, 68, to alert them to the residents on Friday. Marcus, what does death smell like?

I mean, do you want like an approximation or do you want like a sound? Multiple things that it smells like. An approximation and a sound. Yeah, an approximation of what death smells like. I would say, have you ever, like, how close have you gotten to Ben? Oh, man. What? How did this turn into a Ben joke?

That's where baloney jokes go to end. What the fuck is that? During the lonely nights. Yeah, yeah. Very close. That smells like if you put Ben's underwear on, it's like a hat and a mask. And go hiking. No, I want to go hiking for three hours.

My underwear is full of life. It's full of life. So that's bullshit, Eddie. It's fungus and a whole bunch of different things. You exclusion your underwear? Oh, my God. I have come, did a lot of underwear, and then been like, oh, well, it smells fine, but it doesn't. Back to the story.

I like that this person is a notorious cross-dresser. Oh. A regular cross-dresser. There's probably another house husband who's also a cross-dresser who's like, Nobody notices me! How many dresses do I have to wear before I'm the notorious cross-dresser? I didn't think that cross-dressers would be strong enough to chop a woman apart. I'm actually pretty surprised. Well, the story continues.

By Friday morning, the smell had grown absolutely unbearable, prompting a neighbor to report it. Entering the home, police discovered what remained of Mrs. Heigl, whom they said had been dead for at least one day. Arrested outside a downtown bar was her 68-year-old husband, with police questioning neighbors on possible power tools or heavy

machinery heard coming from the home as of late. Quote, I just thought it was somebody working in their garage, neighbor Nancy Wells, one of the several who confirmed such sounds. She wasn't wrong. It was working. It's hard to do. In addition to the loud sounds, Mr. Chavez said Hengel had shown a particular attachment to his trash cans of late.

Quote, This is horrible reporting. around, taking pieces of her and putting them in the trash can. Going around the block? I don't know, he guessed. This is horrible reporting. I just couldn't believe he was able to do all that in stilettos. I mean, that's amazing. Yeah, that's the thing. Adding to his and others' concern, Mrs. Hingle hadn't been seen for roughly a month.

It was an irregularity, they said, because of the kind of bizarre show she regularly put on for people on the street. Quote, my neighbor was just telling me she'd chase her down the street with a knife. Or she'd have her clothes off. Pants down. You could tell she was a little bit out of it. So she needed to go.

Yeah. So this is a couple with a tranny dude. And the woman that would just run around with a butcher knife naked. Yeah. Well she'd stand there. Feed the birds. Talk to folks walking by. And her pants would fall.

She didn't seem to notice ever. Did they meet on some sort of serial killer OkCupid site or something like that? How did they find each other? It's best to just kill this woman, I believe. You think so? Yeah, you kill her. And you know what? I love the human attorney approach that you take. I wouldn't imagine you on trial as a specialist.

When you get a woman like this, it's always best to just, you know, stick a knife in her throat. Right, right, right. It definitely sounded like you said that while wearing a suit. I don't say anything wearing suits.

Because I don't have any suits. That's right, that's the major problem, Ed. You just get a suit out of it. I raped a girl. As long as you get a suit from it, then it's fine. Every time Eddie puts a tie on, it immediately just curls right up. It's really bizarre. It's like fancy clothes are repulsed by him.

It's like one of those trick dickies with a pole tie on it. Yeah, it makes the noise. Every time. I was around shopping today, and some guy had a specialty shop. What were you shopping for, Eddie? Whatever my little cousin wanted to shop for. And handcuffs. Always handcuffs.

Yeah, always handcuffs. Trying to find the nice ones. And a beautiful little cousin, but she's a girl. How was it hanging out with an 18-year-old girl all week? It was her 18th birthday. Right. She's just a good person. Yeah, she's a great person. I met her. She's a very nice girl. Oh, wonderful. Yeah's right she's just a good person yeah she's a great

person i met her she's a very nice wonderful yeah but it's just it's just a different life than we lead yeah absolutely and if you listen to the 50th episode of the last podcast on the left she's the little girl that complained about having to say goodbye to her uh haunted have you talked to her about that yeah we talked it a little further. And she was saying how when she moved out of the house, the kid ghost actually made her say goodbye. And they had to play together. A little backstory. So there was a haunting in the house. And she, as a little girl, talked about how afterwards she used to play with the little ghost children.

And we never told her about the ghost haunting in the house. Yeah, she had no idea. And she had a relationship with the ghost children. And they would play games together. She didn't know they were ghosts. She just thought they were kids. I remember the little girls. I remember the little girl and boy that I used to play with. Yeah, because she was only like four years old.

She's not the kind of girl that would lie about this. She's got a very honest face. She's a beautiful girl. So anyway, you were shopping with her. We were shopping with her and some guy was trying to sell wooden ties. Wooden ties? Wooden ties? Wooden ties?

What the fuck did you need? Yeah, that just sounds ineffective. It is ridiculous. I looked at the tie, and I was like, why the fuck is this tie made out of wood? Real loud so he can hear me. Oh, that's some Holland bullshit. Next thing you know, we're wearing it on our feet, and we lost the war. This is ridiculous.

That is absolutely upsetting. Amber, what's your take on this story? You got the tranny guy, he's killing his naked girlfriend with a knife. I feel like if you're dating a man with a shed full of power tools, he's going to use that on you some point. I agree. That's probably most men.

That's true. You never know, he might attach a dildo to the end of one of those. I'd really make it pleasurable for you. Show you the time of your life, sweetheart. Here's another quote from a neighbor. The husband is actually known for dressing up like a woman and walking around the neighborhood. It's just a permanent fixture, I guess. It doesn't freak us out anymore.

In one instance, a neighbor described seeing him wearing a floor-length purple dress coupled with a long pearl necklace and earrings. In his hand, he held a purse. Quote, he would cross-dress, and you almost couldn't recognize the guy. He looked like a grandmother. Usually cross-dressers, you know, they get seductive. They plump out their breasts. They have masculine, you know, they got the masculine face there, but they put makeup

all over with the hot lipstick. No, I mean, why did he dress like an old woman who just had her husband die? Because that's with the clothes that fucking fit him. You think so? Yeah. It's pathetic. Dan, if you had to please a girl, I was just thinking about this. If you had to please a girl with a power tool, what power tool would you use?

You know, a jigsaw. I like to just, like, I like it to be memorable. I like it to be very memorable. Yeah, very painful. A jigsaw, you just put little dildos on all the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, I don't want to, like, cut her in half. Right, a stimulus clip. Slop her tits off. Yeah, just slop her tits off. Just the clip. That would work. All right.

I think it's funny that this guy, this is very King of Queens, but he got caught, like, doing the chores more often? the clit. That would work. All right. I think it's funny that this guy, this is very King of Queens, but he got caught doing the chores more often. That was like half the story. He started to fucking

take the trash out and people were like, what a fucking freak. Never take the trash out. The moral of this story is that if you're a nutcase, stick to that.

If you get a reputation dressing as a woman, throwing stuff at birds, and your only friends are looking at your ass when it falls out of your pants, don't take out the trash. Get your shit together. Also, though, you gotta hide the body parts

in your dress. You have a perfect place to hide them. In the dress. But for how long? How long do you carry them in the dress? Oh, you just walk them to Mexico and drop them off in the river. Walk back. Yeah, yeah. Just take trips.

Like that Jane's Addiction video, but instead of turkeys, you put a woman's head up there with the dress. I remember that video. Best way to get rid of a wife, I think, would be, you know, like the other guy, he had a great idea a couple weeks ago. We were talking about the cook who cooked his wife. Yeah. But what you do is then afterwards you've got to mash up the bones

and the powder and just sprinkle them on the dirt. Not bad. No one's going to catch you. Is it good for the soil? Probably. Nutrients? Why not? Bones are great for soil. Kev, what sort of flower or plant would grow with bone dust? Pretty much everything, man.

That's how fertilizer works, dude. Alright. You never heard of bone meal? Dude, could you trip balls growing some mushrooms out of it? Oh, that would be amazing. Bone mushrooms? Yeah, bone trumes, dude. That's going to give you bone fever.

We've been discussing the bone fever lately, Marcus and I. What is bone fever? It's a fever that goes around where you become obsessed with bones to the point where you won't leave your house. Oh, you get all the bone mares? Yeah, I. What is bone fever? You become obsessed with bones to the point where you won't leave your house. You just cover yourself in bones all day. Make yourself a nice chin strap made out of bones. You become the bone man because you have the bone fever.

Pretty excited about it. It's like the disease that turns your muscle into bones except you shoot your brain. Yeah. Your brain turns to bones. Your brain is all bones in you. I can't understand that.

That's why I'm talking funny. Chatter, chatter, chatter, chatter. You can take a bullet in the head, though, so that's kind of fun. It's like my whole body goes clinkety-clack whenever I move. You've got the bone fever. Thank you, doctor. Dr. Bones. Next story.

Marcus, what's going to happen to this guy anyway, though? Is he going to get arrested? Let's rewind the tape. Let's go back to the old story. I didn't even really understand that whole tangent. He's been charged with murder But there's been no trial They're going to cut his clit off

Oh that's the worst thing you can do to him That was the only thing that made him a woman Well the next story The bible student who confessed To killing a spiritual leader's wife Revealed to a pastor He recorded the sexual assault on his iPad It emerged today as the 23 yearyear-old appeared in court.

Micah Moore of Kansas City was charged on Saturday with first-degree murder and the death of Bethany Ann Deaton, which was made to look like a suicide after a bottle of pills and a note was left by her body. It's creepy. Interesting. Stuff films are too easy to make nowadays. Well, yeah. You used to have to wheel in a whole 8mm thing. It used to be very difficult. Yeah films are too easy to make nowadays. Well, yeah. You used to have to wheel in a whole 8mm thing.

It used to be very difficult. Yeah, you had to hire someone else. Yeah, you had to get a videographer in there for the whole thing. Sound guy. Exactly. You want a good sound. You need to hear the screams. Did it say what Instagram filter he might have used?

Did he try to make it look like it was a 70s porn? Well, Moore told an International House of Prayer pastor at the Grandview Police Department that the video recorded on the sexual assaults was on his iPad. Despite this, he has not yet been charged with any sexual assault. It is not yet clear if his iPad has been seized. Let me point out to you right now. That it's called IHOP? Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you do it? Why would you ever choose that? IHOP? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why would you do it? It's fun. Why would you ever choose that? IHOP released a statement today distancing themselves from the cult, saying they had no idea what kind of practices the students engaged in. Apparently, this is part of a bizarre sexual cult. It cannot be good for the restaurant.

You know? It cannot be good for the restaurant, Jim. I feel like people are always going to eat those pancakes, man. Yeah, that's true. You need them. You need them. You want them. At three in the morning. Bizarre sexual cult.

When is a cult not sexual? That's the whole deal. Jonestown wasn't extremely... No, no, no. He fucked everybody. He fucked everybody. But it was not part of his teachings. That was just a side thing that he had going on.

That was just a, hey, if you want wanna fuck me, that'd be pretty fucking cool, man. He didn't preach fucking. No, there was a day that they preached, and they were like, who here has felt the hands of the savior? What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's in the long-ass documentary that I watched, where I, and I kept rewinding that part. I was like, yeah, yeah, alright,

alright, alright. So you said he fucked them all in the ass? So he ass-fucked them all? He was very into sodomy. Really? He was very into sodomy. Really? He was very into sodomy, and then he had somebody else come up and be like, who here has felt like our Uncle Jones? What is the name of this documentary? I don't know.

I have to see this. Is it the one that's on Jonestown and the ass? I think it was just a porn about Jonestown. It was like a Jonestown theme. It's called like Not the Jonestown Massacre. Yeah, yeah. I only like cult-themed porn.

It's the Jonestown Massacre. Edward! Edward takes the cake! I love you, Eddie. Amber, you gotta fuck one cult leader. We got Jim Jones. We'll do Marilyn Manson.

The Waco guy. Charles Manson. The Waco guy, David Koresh, and who else is out there that's really good? The Heaven's Gate guy. L. Ron Hubbard. L. Ron Hubbard. What cult would you join if you, it's just for sexual satisfaction.

We don't believe any of the ideology. But what would make you come the most? Which cult? L. Ron Hubbard, because you know we fuck on like a bed of diamonds. That's true. That sounds extremely uncomfortable, though. You know, I think like a bed of diamonds. That's true. That sounds extremely uncomfortable though. You know, I think about all the money I'm going to make. Girls are that greedy.

I bet he would dress like an alien too. And he'll always be like, remember the blood diamonds? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nothing makes a girl cum like a dead African. Oh, that's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. I mean, but that's actually true. Stop buying diamonds, ladies.

You're killing a lot of innocent people who are wonderful people. They're going to die anyway. We're all going to die. But how you die? You want to die a pleasant death on a plane going down towards the White House. Dark turn. No, no, that's okay. Well, more on the story.

The body of the murder victim, a 27-year-old woman, was found in a van with a bag over her head with a suicide note that said, My name is Bethany Deaton. I chose this evil thing. I did it because I wouldn't be a real person. And what is the point of living if it is too late for that? I wish I had chosen differently a long time ago. I knew it all and refused to listen. Maybe Jesus will still save me.

He will not. You did. That's sad. She got it all wrong there at the end. Kevin, Kevin, what would Jesus do? Well, the thing is, you know, there's a big thing against suicide in Jesus' head. So she fucked up. And he's got, like got a really busy Monday,

so I just don't think he's going to be able to pencil it in. I mean, there's a lot of shit going down right now. And how are you going to kill yourself with a bag over your head? How do you do that? Well, you just tie the bag, and you suck in the bag, and you get stuck in your wimpy. Worst, dumbest way to kill yourself. Yeah, really. I'd say jump from

a very tall building. I think I've decided that's the best way. Suicide by cop, man. That's the best way Suicide by cop man That is the best way to kill yourself Especially in New York City Not in Idaho they just keep on shooting your shins You rob a bank and you wait for the cops to come And then you just come out blazing Do you try to even take anybody out

Or do you just shoot like into the air No you shoot Like a cowboy You don't want to hurt a cop. Cops are kind of dizzy. You literally make the bang noise as you shoot. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Well, we better take him down. He's making bang noises. You never know when it's

going to be a real bang. So you're going to pull what we call Yosemite Sam. Yosemite Sam suicide. I like it. Oh, man, a smoke bomb would be really great, too. It'd be like, threw the smoke bomb first and he's like, bang, bang. He's like, I think it's a gun. Kill him. Yeah, smoke bomb would be really great, too. It'd be like, threw the smoke bomb first. Yeah. Bang, bang. He's like, I think it's a gun. Kill him.

Yeah, you wear a big pink cape, too. Ooh. Yeah, just unloaded guns so you don't hurt any cops. Right. Unless there's some standing behind you. You scream, I'm the human vibrator. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And start shooting off the guns.

Either he's having a seizure or pleasing a woman. I can't tell. Dan, can you think of a real retarded suicide? What's the dumbest way that you could commit suicide? I don't know, but I'll tell you exactly how I want to do it. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somebody walks into the subway as I'm trying to get off a subway car,

and they bump into me when they're in the wrong. I have the right-of of way as I'm getting off and I say, hey, could you hold my bag for me? And then I blow my brains out. Because because if you because if you It's so sad!

But they have to hold your bag for the rest of their life! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because if you told that person they were an asshole, they would never you would get in a fight and they might stab you and you'd have to deal with that all day. You blow your brains out, they're never doing it again. They're just like, I have to live with this guy who fucking just killed himself.

Well, that's one strike against civility. As soon as someone asks you to hold a bag, do not do it. That's the best way. It would be pretty awesome if the doors closed right after you did it and so everyone just had to go on the train. That's the best. What did we just say? You've got to make sure there's plates of brain.

Yeah, right. There's plates of brain on the subway windows so they can just fucking watch that. I remember when I first moved to the city, I was taking the train late at night. It was like 4 a.m. And I remember the train doors were shutting and I heard some guy.

I don't know what happened. There was a scuffle. And then I was in a place where I couldn't see what was going on and then I just, these two black hoodlum gangsters so fucking hard and they're just looking at it like freaking out, I can't believe what they're looking at and the door's shut and one of them looks at the other one

and goes, that's the worst thing I've ever seen. And I was like, what happened what happened and they just shook their head no at me it wouldn't tell me the sound of silence you can imagine the thing they've seen now you'll just always see your worst nightmares happen right outside the house. While a fucking winged goblin ripped a guy's face off. And the guy was cumming for some reason. I don't know why he was cumming. It's just a New York Times crossword puzzle filled out perfectly. You heard a scuffle.

And then you heard someone fall. Then you heard someone just going, help! Help me! Help! Help! The door just shut and we took off. I just feel like I imagine

a priest with blood coming out of his mouth raping babies. What was going on? Screaming help me? Screaming help me while he was doing it. Never been happier to hear stand clear of the closing doors than when you're looking at a horrific sight and you're like, well I can't help now. I mean the doors have closed. could i possibly do worst thing i've ever

seen what's going on with this story marcus uh well uh the statement well i mean we pretty much covered most of it yeah we got we can move on to a new one though that sounds good oh and this is gonna be the first picture you guys see today i I can't wait to see this, man. An elderly man has been sentenced to three years in prison for allowing his pit bull to kill another family's pet cat. What? Three years for this ad.

I'm so excited to hear your opinion on it. Hume Hamilton, 82, was caught on surveillance camera taking his dog for a walk near his home in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Yeah, baby! Fort Lauderdale! Rock and roll! House of the Pit Bulls! Opposite of what Fort Lauderdale is. By the way.

He walked up to a driveway where a cat was apparently resting and the dog was filmed suddenly attacking the cat. Hamilton can be seen in the footage trying to separate the two animals by stepping on the cat, but he was unsuccessful. He left the scene with his dog

and the cat later died of injuries. He tried to separate him. But he tried to separate him. You step on the cat and pull the dog off. And that's when the cat's head comes off. Alright, so the animals that notoriously hate each other for all of time, dogs and cats,

one of them kills another one and a dude goes to jail The animals that notoriously hate each other for all of time, dogs and cats. Right. One of them kills another one. Right. And a dude goes to jail for three years? Three years. And a human being suffers because of it. Because of animal nature. And where were the mice? Where were the mice?

Right, right, right. And let me ask you, if you guys would look over on the screen, does this man deserve to go to jail? He's terrifying. He looks like joker without his makeup on it looks like a retired Joker without his makeup on. Can we see that? He's just trying his best. What are you supposed to do? People's balls lock. There's only one way to get that cat.

Wait is that his car? That's his car? No no the car that you see in here, it's a very, very nice truck. That belongs to the cat family. Fuck the cat family. Oh, fuck the cat family. That looks like a pit bull owner's car. Yeah, it does.

But no, it's a cat family. This is ridiculous. It's got a... If I can see correctly, that looks like Lady Justice. I can't see. I think it is. Yes, that is Lady Justice. It's retorted.

It'sainted onto a bright turquoise. So a guy with a Lady Justice spray-painted on his car sent another man to jail because his dog killed his cat. Right. It's ridiculous that a human being went to jail for a cat's death. Meanwhile, I'm sure the

judge, while sentencing, was eating a fucking T-bone steak. If that guy would have walked up to that cat and shot it in the head, he shouldn't have went to jail no cats need to die because you know what you can do when your cat dies get a new cat there's a whole store that sells them not even that there's a bunch of homeless cats you can just pick those up right save some cats i hate three years and this happens all the time every now and again on this show we hear these stories about people going to prison i think the last one was seven years. I mean, this is ridiculous. And not only does the man have to spend three

years in prison, he will after that have to spend two years... George Zimmerman killed a black kid in the same neighborhood! Right, exactly! And it's up for debate. It's like, well, I don't know. Maybe we'll say he was a black kid. Did you say black cat? He should go to prison. No, I said

kid. Oh, we'll have to investigate. We have not factored in how cute this cat is. Well, this man is also getting, after that, two years of probation, and he is permanently banned from owning a pet. What? Fuck that. So where's this dog going? What's happening with his dog?

Oh, that dog's already dead. They killed the dog. They fucking put this guy in prison all for that fucking cat. This is one of the worst stories I've ever heard. Oh, and if you really want to get enraged, here's a quote from the owner of the cat. I'm so upset. Another quote. Another quote called Sandra Fluke a slut.

The owner of the cat, his name is Wayne Spath. The Spath family cat. We take all of our Spath family pictures with our cat. And so after this fucking poor old man was sentenced to three years in prison, Spath said now we can move on. We have closure now.

Justice has prevailed. Rapists don't get three years in prison. Keep the cat inside then. If it's so fucking rotten to you, then make it an indoor cat. Jackie, I'm sorry, it's an outdoor cat. Rip its head off! Rip its fucking head off. But at least he

goes to the prison for silly crimes. I mean, that's the best part of it. No, but he doesn't. There were silly top hats. He goes to that one prison where the bars are made of rubber and everyone just runs around. It's like MASH but the prison. I am beside Exactly, he goes to that one prison where the bars are made of rubber and everyone just runs around. So water guns and not real guns? Yeah, it's like MASH, but the prison.

I am beside myself angry for this poor man. He's going to be in jail. He's going to get torn apart in jail. Yeah, what are you in for? Did you see his picture? He's not going to get torn apart. Yes, he is. He's got soft eyes.

Right, right. He has like a mean... I agree with Kevin. He has very soft eyes. Here's a picture of the poor man at sentencing. He has like a mean... I agree with Kevin. He has very soft eyes. Here's a picture of the poor man at Sin and Sin. He's such a cuck. He looks like Santa. That's the look of a man who did his best.

Yeah, exactly. He tried to take the cat out of the pit bull's mouth. What's he supposed to do? I wouldn't just let it happen, too. At least he tried. Yeah, that's right. The pit bull is demonized enough leave the pit bull alone they're great dogs

they're loving dogs there was a cat and I guarantee you that cat was being a fucking bitch it was taunting the fucking pit bull and the pit bull just chose to like I'm just going to bite your head off because you're a terrible fucking person either way these are animals these are small animals I feel so bad for him

killing a dog and sending a dude to prison for three years to nullify the death of a dumb fucking cat. What kind of world are we living in? And if you're curious as to what this man looks like, you can go to the Roundtable of Gentlemen Facebook page. That's right. Or go to any KFC that you've ever seen. He looks exactly like that. Or he looks tinier than the KFC guy.

Or you could just Google the story. I mean, it'd probably just pop right up. You know what? Go to the round table of gentlemen. Fuck you, goddammit. I'm tired of promoting it. Also, isn't his name Hume? Hume, yes.

That's the man. He doesn't deserve this. Hume. Hume. Hume. If you were a judge on this case, what the fuck would you do in the sentencing? There would be no sentencing, man. It wouldn't even have been a case.

Dog killed a cat. That's life's life man that cat got legs could have ran away it could have yeah that's the thing if that were my cat i feel like i would i would apologize to him be like i'm sorry yeah my cat was gonna see this and you had to deal with this i'll get another cat right yeah cat shouldn't be talking shit man learned his lesson all cats are smug they have this fucking smug look in their eyes just asking to have their head ripped off of their body. I hate cats. I hate them.

Fuck them! All right, round table of gentlemen, we fucking hate cats. We don't like cats. I mean, I like cats, but you know. Kevin likes cats. He's sort of the odd man out, but it's fine. We don't hate any animals,

but I think pit bulls are demonized and I don't think they should be. But that plays to a larger point that Cat has been a total asshole. And there's a lot of people now around, they bark about and they say terrible things to us, bigger people. They're like, I was on the L train the other day, someone was like, oh, you're so big. And I was like, you're such a fucking bitch. I just wanted to strangle and murder them. And I could have, you know, a hundred years ago.

Where does this go? But now what I'm saying is, all the laws are stacked against the bigger person. All we do is take hate, and we're not allowed to physically react, which is empowering these little fucking cocksuckers, such as this cat, to say whatever they want to say. We need to

go back to the days where it's like, don't talk rude to me. This is why I like Ed. You know, this is why I love you, Ed, because if I talk poorly to you, you could theoretically beat me up. Hit you in the nuts. You'll hit me in the Ed. You know, this is why I love you, Ed, because if I talk poorly to you, you could theoretically beat me up. Hit you in the nuts. You'll hit me in the nuts. You'll do something. So I respect you for that. And the whole idea of, like, respecting somebody because they can

physically punish you is thrown out the window when the fucking lawyers have taken over the entire country. That's the thing. That's what I'm talking about. Preach. Well, I mean, I'll tell you what, many a morning has been left the apartment. I'm like, what are you doing? He's like, I'm going to go yell at some cats and put them in their place. That's right. You should see what I say to rats.

You should see what I say to rats. What do you say to rats? Don't do any harm. I actually love you. I have a huge respect for rats and mice. Sorry, so you see a rat running down the street and rats running by me and I say, I stomp it to death. Okay? I stomp a rat to death. That's two years in prison.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If someone sees me and they report me for stomping a rat to death, am I going to get in trouble? Because a rat is as valuable as a cat. It is. It's the same thing. You will not though because it's not a domestic pet. It's not a domestic pet? You've got no one to press charge. What, the city of New York is going to press charge?

Well, it's animal cruelty. Sure, but you're not going to go to jail, you know? So I'm only allowed to kill the animals the government's allowed to tell me I'm allowed to kill. That's right. And I'm telling you, the whole time they're eating a ham sandwich. And that's why Obama... That's right. Get into it, Holden.

Get into it, Holden. All right. You know what? It's time to clear the air with some goat news. Goat news! Hey! Hey! Hey!

You're allowed to murder freely. After surviving an encounter with an angry goat, Jason Gessel has a new nickname around Smithfield, Utah, The Boy Who Lived. Gessel, 14, was doing his paper route early Tuesday... You'll like where it's going. Better than his old nickname, Shithead. He was doing his paper route

early Tuesday morning when the animal approached in the darkness. He thought it was a dog. Quote, then it made a weird noise. Kind of like a grunting noise. I'm like, what the heck is that? That sound was the huffing and puffing of Voldemort, an 18-month-old fainting

goat. Look at him. Aw, I love him! I love that goat! I fucking love the goat! Holden, how does it feel to meet your long-lost brother? He's sticking his tongue out. Holden, is that Mommy?

No, Mommy is made of gold. Mommy's best. I love his bug eyes. He's so sweet. He's got fun bug eyes. He's sticking his tongue out. I feel like he would be like, hi.

So what is the new story, though? This kid saw a goat? Here's the new story. The best thing is, the kid saw a goat, but this kid is such a bitch, it's a fainting goat. You know what the fainting goat is? goat's like the theory of fight or flight? When they're scared, they faint. So if you approach them, they just faint.

Oh my god, please look up baby goats fainting, by the way, because it's the cutest. It's the greatest approach to a battle of all time. What do we Google? Oh, baby goats fainting. Or just look up cutest baby goats. Well, the owner of the goat Marissa Benson said He's really happy in place of the kids I've never had him chase my kids

Guess although this little shithead If you look over here you'll see this little fuckwad Oh fuck that guy He looks like a fucking spaff The boy you should have died What do you think about that fucking dude's hair There's a lot of things I can say about that dude's hair, man. Probably blows in the wind real well

while he's skateboarding down to Pussy Town. Yeah! Pussy Town! That shit was funny. Well, this little shithead said Voldemort charged and headbutted him, knocking him off his bike

and then trampling him. Bullshit! Yeah, yeah. Gessel took shelter in a tree, but found himself trapped for an hour. Every time he got down, Voldemort would chase him right back up. I bet that little shit piss was like throwing rocks or something. Yeah. Yeah, he was probably throwing rocks off his bike.

If the goat ate this kid, the owner of the goat would not go to jail. He would not go to jail. That's not what happened. He would not go to prison. The jury would see his face. They'd be like, yeah, fuck that kid. It's fine.

He had a bike. Why didn't he bike away? Bike away. There's fucking goats coming at you. Bike beats goat. Everybody knows that. Do you have a picture of the owner of the goat? Because anyone who names their goat Voldemort is a fucking geek.

That's another picture of Voldemort. Amazing! He looks like a lion. He does look like a lion. He's a fucking ninja goat. He's majestic. Yeah, he's beautiful. That is definitely the coolest goat I've ever seen.

Google this fucking goat. Voldemort the goat. Did they kill Voldemort after all this? Fuck no! And he's smoking cigars in a bag of money. Living like Fidel. Voldemort just got a book deal. It's just bad, bad, bad.

That reminds me. You guys should all buy my book, How Not to Read. Thank you. Loving these beers by that point. Great. If you wouldn't have brought us beers, I would have just made fun of you. How Not to Read. Thanks, guys.

That means a lot. I'm going to buy you a friendship. Well, the cops were called after the boy was supposed to return from his paper route. And the cop's name is... Goats love paper. Goats love paper. That's true. And little boys.

He's fishing for a goat attack. You figure that the old Chinese ladies who walk around the neighborhood trying to pick up cans. They're lucky there's no goats in this town. Absolutely. There are the goats of this town. Think about that. Oh, that's not right.

That's not right. I actually think that was fine. That's pretty good. Now the goat, the man Brandon Muir was out looking for the kid as Muir canvassed the neighborhood. He got a call about a boy and a goat. Muir said the goat was overly friendly

when he arrived at the scene, but not dangerous. Quote, it jumped me a few times overdue, but he wasn't hard to catch. In the end, no one was heard, and Voldemort went back to patrolling his yard. That goat probably

didn't even attack him. He was trying to love that boy. They were bonding over haircuts. Of course. So the boy was in his yard, though. That's why he probably attacked him, right? Exactly. He did a good goat job. Yeah, absolutely. I want a fucking yard to patrol.

That sounds great. I wish we could lock you in a yard as well. Just walk around with a rifle and just patrol my yard. That's what I'm doing. What would you be best at protecting if you had to guard a fucking yard? My yard? Well, I just know I'd be shooting for vermin trying to get at my fucking corn cobs. Yeah, but you have hooves, though.

I don't know how you're going to use a gun. Exactly, yeah. That's the problem. You ever heard of those hoof guns? You just bang them with your hoof and they go off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like getting a guard goat is better than getting a guard dog. Yeah.

Why is that? Because people are freaked out when they come on your property. They're expecting a dog. They see a big goat is better than getting a guard dog. Yeah. Why is that? Because people are freaked out when they come on your property. They're expecting a dog. They see a big goat running at them. Right, right, right. They're freaking out.

They run away. Absolutely. I agree. A whole bunch of goats would probably be great, too. Yeah. A guard gorilla would be amazing.

Well, yeah. A bunch of goats with fucking bazookas on their back. Right at you. You would get the fuck out of Dodge. Yeah, man. Shoot to kill, man. That's what you teach those back. Right at you. You would get the fuck out of Dodge. Shoot to kill, man.

Teach those goats. Goats are spawns of the devil. They are spawns of the devil. Chihuahuas are great guard dogs as well and great guard creatures. You don't expect them to be so ferocious. What mice are to elephants, chihuahuas are to humans.

Humans are terrified of chihuahuas. And if you have a guard chihuahua... I don't know if this is true. I tell you. Because they're tiny and fast as fuck, so you can't deal with it. It's like the marmot in The Big Lebowski. It's like the marmot in The Big Lebowski. It is, exactly.

I love how chihuahuas are Mexican. You know, because... I mean, you're putting that on them. They lived in the saddlebags. No, they lived in the saddlebags. I'm not putting that on eggs. That's what they used to keep. They were the guard dogs. They would put them in the saddles of their burros.

And so, since they were so small, and so everyone tried to leave from them. Did you just say burros? The burros. Burros. Burros. That's interesting. Okay, so Chihuahuas are Mexicans.

Pitbulls, I'm going to give it to Kevin. It's black. Puerto Rican. Right? Puerto Rican black. No, but Puerto I'm going to give it to Kevin. It's black. Puerto Rican. Right? Puerto Rican black. No, but Puerto Rican black. Sometimes it's synonymous. What's the white dog?

The white dog is like old yeller. Yeah. Gold retriever. Gold retriever. No, no, no. Old yeller was the yellow lab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White dogs is just, they're dogs.

Just a lot of different types. Yeah. They're all very varied people. Yeah, like greyhounds are a white dog. Okay, so what about Asian people? Bulldog. What's the Asian dog? Shih Tzus. Shih Tzus are Asian? Chows.

Chows? Oh, it's definitely Chows because they look like the fucking Chinese dragons. Chinese guard dogs, Chows. Them in a sharp haze with all the wrinkles, that's a Chinese dog. German dog. German shepherd. Actually, I would argue the

Doberman Pinscher. Oh, that's true. If you've ever seen the boys from Brazil. Or the Leather Daddy Chow. It's very popular. It only shits itself. It's really going to check the music. You can imagine.

You guys should look up how Chinese people cook their cats, because they boil them alive. Do they? Like lobsters? And then they skin them alive. Yeah, like lobsters. Do they screech like lobsters? Okay, but we have to keep in mind, these are like hunted cats, right? Who gives a shit?

That's disgusting. Yeah, these are hunted cats. No, it's fine. We eat bizarre things. In India, eating a cow is absolutely sacrilegious. Like, I think we've probably all eaten cat by this point. Oh, definitely. Oh, absolutely.

I'm on Seamless.com all the time. I'm sure I've got a cat burrito a time or two. Oh, so you're putting the cat eating on the Mexicans now? No, I mean, she's putting it on the Chinese. We all know the Chinese eat cats, but he's a cat burrito. Oh, no, I'm just saying sometimes you're cooking up the fucking food and you're chopping up the meat of the cat. I mean, there are plenty of those

places around Bushwick that do both Chinese and Mexican food. Any place that says Tex-Mex, do not go. But I don't think it's that bad. I think that it's fine that the Chinese folks eat cats. I think cats should be eaten. Yeah, because or else they're just sitting in places that they say don't kill.

But boiling them alive, I never knew that. The trick is to boiling them alive. I never knew that. If you know that, that's something else. The trick is to keep them alive as long as possible because then the meat tastes better. Yeah.

Isn't that something? I'm okay with that, strangely, for turkeys. I don't know why, but I'm okay with that for them. Dan, if you had to eat a domesticated animal in America, what animal would you eat?

Cats? Dogs? I guess there's some birds out there that you could eat. Ferrets? People love those. I'm going to go a lizard of some kind. Ooh.

I want it to be interesting. I want it to be old, and I want it to feel like I'm eating a dinosaur. Like a big turtle. Like you want a turtle, then. Yeah, I'd like a turtle. A turtle is nice because it's just like a regular sandwich. Right, right, right. You just bite into that thing.

You just have to soften the shell off. I want to hunt a fucking huge iguana in the wild. Strangle it and be like, this is thousands of years of evolution. And I made it and you didn't. I'm telling you about alligator meat. That's what you got to go for. Alligator tail. And I would love to wrestle an alligator.

I made it about not eating, just like fucking killing. I want to tell you about which animals I want to kill. But alligators aren't domesticated. Sometimes they are. Some people have domesticated animals. I had a crocodile and it was fucking bonkers. It was like, yeah. That was its name? Yeah, its name

was Bonkers the Fun Crocodile. I remember I was over, they were like oh, we gotta clean out his cage and it was like a big deal. They only only did every now and again. And literally like the father had to like hold all, use all of his upper body strength to hold it down onto the ground on the floor. Like they pulled it out and just was holding it down. Just like clean it, get to clean it.

It was like insane. I'm standing there like, should I go? Should I go? Should I get out? And they were just like, no, it's fine. But it was like not, it was like, what is that? Maybe three feet or something? Yeah, yeah.

It was terrifying. But I mean, at three feet, it wasn't going to kill you, but it could take your fucking leg off. Take your foot or your hand off. Take your hand, and that's what it wants, and it was going for it. And he's just, I'm like, why do you own this pet? Why would you own this? Not now, Holden! Not now!

They're just scrubbing the cage open. I gotta keep it from not killing me! Not now, man! This fucking thing was like by the TV, you know? Like, not even like I mean, it's pretty awesome. Yeah, it was pretty badass. And he also slept with a huge python at the head of his bed. Oh, fuck that guy. That's disgusting. Yeah, he's great. He's probably

dead. No, Pat, he's doing great. The python I watched bite his dad's hand, though. We pulled him out one day, and he fucking sicked in, and his hand, like, the side of his palm swelled up to like that. I mean, I feel like that's a deal breaker, right? If you go home with a chick, and she's a python above her bed, you leave, right? No.

I would leave immediately. You fuck that girl. You fuck that immediately. You fuck that girl. You fuck that girl. And then you leave. And then you leave. I'm not going to sleep next to that thing. I think you need to ask

that question to these two ladies because asking that question to a dude, it's like I walked in and a girl had a fucking gigantic python above her bed.

I'd say like, so what are you doing for the next, I don't know, 20 years? That's disgusting. I don't know why you cheated on her. I don't know why you divorced her.

Are you always fuck snake girl? What? What? No. Yeah, do it. Have you never? Do you not remember Coney Island? I never had sex with that woman with a split tongue.

Oh. You know she'd be good in bed, though. She would definitely. Yeah, she would not be. What though She would definitely What about Python Dude? Python Dude is completely different He probably owns guns He's got no teeth He has to kill the python

As soon as it starts to attack him He's overcompensating though It's like owning a sports car It's anaconda He also had a water bed. Throwing a water bed as well. And it was all neon lights. Filled with snakes, no water.

And a poster filled with snakes. That would be amazing. That would be the most comfortable thing in the world. I might stay in a bed full of snakes. Are you kidding? That would be fucking incredible. And he had a poster of the Barbie twins on his wall. Oh, I remember those. That's an old school reference.

I owned a Python. Yeah Barbie twins on his wall. Oh, I remember those. That's an old school reference. I owned a Python. I thought it was County Fair in 96. Yeah, I know you did. It's disgusting. Yeah, you want to pretend like you were attracted to it. It's a gross thing to do. See, I feel like a woman with a snake is much more sensual, you know, rather than angry. I'm getting turned on right now.

Good. Anything about this fake woman. She likes to get squeezed. What were you saying, Kev? No, just like the snake above the bed just watching you with cold, dark eyes. He's just fucking slamming it. I put a cover on it. And he's just loving it.

Quietly. Super enjoying it. I don't like that. That was disgusting, man. There's nothing wrong with that. All right. It's time now. Gross, Marcus.

It's time now. I mean, usually this is a happy occasion. Get the bananas, everybody! What time is it? It's time now for Monkey News. Monkey News! Not even necessary at all. Here's the headline. You wanna wanna bing bing? Thanks, guys. Thank you.

Not even necessary at all. Here's the headline. Small monkey found beaten to death during zoo break in Idaho. I don't like this. I don't like this. See what y'all are saying? I thought this was going to be a happy thing, man. We were all chanting. I said sad.

You did say it was going to be sad. It's a sad monkey. How small was he? Two and a half feet tall. He's a macaque, right? He's not a macaque. He's a pottis monkey. A break-in at Zoo Boise early Saturday. Hold on a second. It's called Zoo Boise?

It's called Zoo Boise. It's called Zoo Boise, Idaho, right? Zoo Boise. I mean, it's so Midwestern. The bat. Zoo Boise, you betcha. That's not Mexican. Not Mexican, nor is it Midwestern.

Zoo Boise, you betcha. I'm a real American, you know. I've been here for years. A break-in at Zoo Boise early Saturday left a pottest monkey dead from blunt force trauma to its head and neck, leaving police analyzing blood found at the scene to its link to either the monkey or one of two human intruders. Two males wearing dark clothing were spotted by a security guard at 4.30 a.m. outside the fence near the primate exhibit before fleeing police. security guard at 4.30 a.m. outside the fence near the primate exhibit before fleeing police. Boise

police used a thermal imager in searching the 11-acre zoo grounds, but didn't find the person. If you want to know what a Pottis monkey looks like, look at that fucker. Oh, it looks like Larry David! You're telling me... Those fucking douchebags that killed

outside of Las Vegas, right? Yeah, they killed a peacock. What the fuck are people talking about? So two assholes were bored and decided the fun thing to do would be to go and kill a monkey? They should go to jail for three years. They should.

They should go to jail for 45 years. Okay, well, this is an interesting thing, is that these two men killed a monkey, yet you say they should go to jail for a long time. A man's pitbull kills a cat no jail time yeah he did beat the cat to death in front of

a bunch of people yeah the pitbull got the death penalty right the pitbull got jail time and this guy went to jail that's overkill but these guys killed a monkey and they got in no trouble well I haven't caught them do you think they broke in just to kill a monkey? Or they broke in and they were like fucking around and like, this monkey's great.

And then they hit it. Who sees a monkey and kills the monkey? My theory is that they broke in. They were pretty fucked up. They got surprised by a monkey. And they got scared and they beat the monkey to death. They were probably trying to steal the monkey and the monkey attacked them. Yeah, attacked them.

I knew a guy. All the bigger monkeys. I knew a guy. This is an Operation Dumbo drop. I knew a guy who got a couple years probation for stealing and shaving a monkey. Also, why would you shave? Well, it's kind of fun to shave a monkey. Why would you tell me that's full of syrup's kind of fun to shave?

Well, here's what happened. In the town where my parents live, there's a woman who owns exotic animals. She just likes that. She had a bear for a while. That died. But her latest one was a spider monkey. She should shave the woman, not the monkey.

My theory is that a couple of his boys were like, you know how to get laid? He's like, how? He's like, you shave your monkey. And then he went and stole a monkey. Not thinking that it should have been his penis. Amber, how do you feel about what Holden just said? How do you feel? Uh, metaphors?

You know, I like metaphors. Well, the answer to that question is meth. They were doing a lot of meth and they remembered, and they were bored and they remembered, hey, that lady has a monkey. She's probably asleep. The monkey is kept outside.

So they took the monkey. But they were doing it at the zoo. What's that? Oh, this is the guy that I know. So they took the monkey, and they drove him out to the golf course. And they shaved the monkey, and then they lost control of the monkey. And a few days later, the monkey showed back up, and, yeah, my friend narrowly escaped prison for that one.

Yikes. Well, I think that's wonderful. He really should have just gotten beaten in public. Like, not to death, but just have, like... I feel like sometimes that... It's called flogged. I think, exactly. I think that flogging should exist for things like that,

where it's, like... Weird animal. Or the monkey just turned out to be Rory Melkroy. Yeah, put him in his socks. Don't give him water for a week in the fucking Texas sun. That's the kind of thing. They probably thought they were doing a good thing. It was like summertime, right?

It was hot. It was. We're going to fucking help you out, monkey. That's right. Shave all this fur. You're going to feel good. No more sweating to do. He said it was a great time, though.

Like, that night was fantastic. Well, imagine shaving a monkey. That's got to feel great. I mean, they kidnapped and shaved the monkey at the golf course. He was trying to make more people. And good for him. Back to our sad monkey story. The Zoo Boise director, Steve Burns, said...

I just always wanted the monkey to win. Monkeys don't always win. No, they usually don't. I've been here for 15 years, and we haven't had anything like this happen. It's unfortunate that we have to let kids know that something like this happens. Monkeys are always among the most favorite animals here.

It's true. Why does he have to let the kids know that the monkey got beaten to death? Journalistic ethics. I'll tell you exactly why, because nothing has happened in Boise. That's the only thing that's ever happened in Boise. All we have is this

zoo with this one monkey, and when it dies, entertainment is gone. That's the only animal in the zoo, too. It's just one monkey cage. I killed the monkey because it's not a potato. I eat potatoes. They were like, this potato is sentient. All right, Kevin.

So you're letting the guy off who had the dog that ate the cat. You're these fucking assholes who killed the monkey. I wouldn't say I was on their side. My friends shaved the monkey. They were fine. Yeah, shaved the monkey. But what do you think about this? What's the sentence that you give to somebody who just killed a fucking monkey in a goddamn zoo?

You can't just go and fucking beat up a monkey. It's funny if you didn't kill him. But it's like... The monkey just asked him. That's true. If you don't kill him, it's kind of funny. I think some dudes are going, we're going to fucking beat this monkey up. That's funny. That's hilarious. But the monkey died and that's kind of fucked up. That's funny.

That's hilarious. But the monkey died and that's kind of fucked up. So what do you do? Do you go to life imprisonment? You're going butt fucking for a couple of years? I say they got to get

at least six years for not practicing restraint. I get where you're coming from, beating up the monkey, but you got to hold back a little bit. You know what you do? You get a bunch of monkeys together and have them beat him up.

And it's interesting you say that because Pottus monkeys are often called the military monkey. Why is that? I don't know. They're strict. They got a bunch of little guns and little tanks. They need to re-remake the new remake

of Red Dawn with the monkey attack. And here's another picture of a Pottis monkey. Oh, they're amazing. They're doing this to us. It's flaunting its little butt. Oh, how can you kill me? It's the Thomas Dale of monkeys. They got the big eyebrows.

It's so sad. See, I feel like their punishment should be they get put into a cage of gorillas that their children were just taken away. Like the baby gorillas were just taken away. It's like, deal with that. You want to fucking beat up a monkey? Why don't you fucking beat up a monkey your own goddamn size, you pieces of shit?

I agree with you. Glue carrots to his body. Up his ass. It's the same way you get hold into a tack, but if you just glue a bunch of tuna to yourself He loves tuna You peel a bunch of bananas and you tie them to his mouth And his eyes and his dick

Oh yeah yeah yeah You just stick them a bunch of monkeys in That's not bad And now it's time for a segment from Paul McNeely Alright so This one's we were gonna go with your heaven Hell, that's gonna be next week I think cause then I'll have to come up with a new one Before holding it started

I'm sorry to interrupt you, but please before I forget, come to Live Roundtable next Saturday at 8pm at the Creek in the Cave Yeah, November 24th November 24th It's gonna be Ed's last podcast for a while Yes, yes, yes He's going to be Ed's last podcast for a while. Yes, yes, yes. It'll be gone for days.

He's going to hell. Going to hell. Straight up. LA without a car. Which is hell. LA without a car is hell, so that's probably going to be my hell next week. I had the worst time walking by traffic. All right, so we're doing virginity.

How did everyone lose their virginity? Marcus is going to score by sexiest, smelliest, lamest, and what was the other one? Dangerous. No, was it dangerous? I think it was just sexiest, smelliest, and lamest. Trashiest.

Sexiest, smelliest, lamest, and trashiest. If you get lamest and smelliest, you have to buy beer for everyone the next week. If you get sexiest, smelliest, lamest, and trashiest. And if you get lamest and smelliest, you have to buy beer for everyone the next week. And if you get sexiest and trashiest... Does anyone really think in this room that they had a sexy losing of virginity? It's possible! Oh, I did not.

I did not. But I'd love to do it again! I mean, I did have a great time, but it was not sexy. A sexy taking of the virginity. Yeah, yeah. Well, why don't we start with you? I dressed up like a vampire.

And also, if you've tooken somebody's virginity, I want to hear about it as well. You don't want to hear that one. The only interesting thing about my virginity story is the girl I lost it to later, when I tried to break up with her, pretended to have cancer. So that's... What? She pretended to have cancer? She had an eating disorder. She was very messed up.

We found out later that she was just pretending that she had cancer for a while. Why'd you let that one go? Yeah, I know. I should have stuck with it. Did you fuck her because you felt bad she had cancer? Yeah, it was like a walk to remember, but she was just a huge lying bitch. That's awesome! Good for her!

It was great. Not to everyone else, but to lose your virginity, it's fun. This is what... The first person that you had sex with you thought had cancer and was about to die. Yes, I thought she was going to die. Not afterwards, though. You didn't think... No, no, no.

It was before. It was before. The ego on you, Dan. The ego on you. I thought she was going to die, and I was like, this is no. It was before. It was before. The ego on you, Dan. The ego on you. I thought she was going to die, and I was like, this is fine. And we had sex. Was it her first time as well? No, absolutely not.

No, no, no. She's a cancer liar. Yeah, she's a liar. She's a liar, but maybe she fucked some people. Liars fuck a lot. But the real story is that, like, I went to a, I went, my parents were in the room right next door. And it was, like, two and a half minutes. And I was just looking at the door the whole time.

Just like, my parents are definitely going to come in. And, like, every sound. It was like being high the first time. You're just like, I'm fucking fucking but I'm worried about everything else I fuck when I'm high All the time It's fucking amazing Yeah yeah I usually fuck when I'm awake too

Holden what do you got Good man Always high Her name was Rihanna She was a She was a dancer She's a better black woman. Yeah, yeah. No, she was white.

Dancer. She was white and her name was Rihanna? Yeah, I don't know why. And that's the thing. She had snapper pussy. Exactly, yeah. I was like, am I spanking you or are you spanking me? She's like, it's my pussy.

So yeah, she was like, am I spanking you or are you spanking me? She's like, it's my pussy. So, yeah, she was a dancer. I had a... It was really lame. It was a second date. It was impromptu. I remember that. So I was sitting. I invited her over to watch a Bonnaroo DVD, which I know is so lame.

Yeah, it's so douchey. And we were drinking wine, and we were on my couch. I lived in my own place back then. This was sophomore year of college. What? I forgot to mention, we should do ages. I was 14 years old. I was 14 years old.

The girl was 16. Oh, you're a champ. So I just wanted to brag about that. Hell yeah. Especially on my 19. Get one more in on that brag. You know I fucked a 16-year-old? No, I was younger.

I was younger. Yeah, 19. Way too old. And we start making out. It gets hot and heavy, and then she pushes me back, and she's staring at me wide-eyed, and she's like, I want you to make

love to me! And I was just like, she was nuts. She was crazy. She had just broken up with this guy who wanted to beat the fuck out of me. You know, like, he already knew about me. He was, like, cruising for me. Is this the Rihanna story? Kind of. Was it Chris Brown that she broke up with?

Was she once white and then she became black? She's light-skinned. She's pretty light-skinned. That's true. It could have been her. So, anyways, yeah, so we moved into the bedroom. I was very hesitant. I was like, oh, I don't know. And then we fucked, and Marcus also has this situation. Did not actually come, though.

Thought I did, because I didn't know what was going on. What? I had no idea. Because it was just crazy. Everything was happening. How didn't you come, but you felt like you did? I thought I did, but I don't think I actually did. Well, then you definitely didn't. Well, maybe I didn't you come, but you felt like you did? I thought I did, but I don't think I actually did. Well, then you definitely didn't. Well, maybe I didn't. How didn't you come and thought

you did? I don't know. It happened. That's weird. This has been going on. Kevin, this can go back and forth. How could you not? But I don't know. It's ridiculous. The mail-in was a relatively obvious event. It's such a surprising thing.

Yeah, I didn't know what was going on. It was all new. Yeah. And anyways, the next time we went out, I told her I came clean, and she didn't talk to me after that. She freaked out when I told her that it was my virginity she took. She stole it from you, it sounds like. In a way.

You never tell them. I know. I shouldn't have told her. When did you lose that sweet fucking virginity of yours? I was the same age as Holden, man. I was 19. Hell yeah, dude. That's fucking how we do that shit.

But, I mean, it's not really... Don't try to make that sound cool. It is cool, though. You know why? Because for the 18 years previously, I had a strong relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Throw him down the toilet. I was just about to ask what you did.

I know a girl who lost her virginity at like 22 who I know and I was just like, what did you do from like 14 to now? I sang a lot and praised and worshiped and I played music. He is such a good boy. So tell me, how does

saxophone for Jesus sound like? How does it sound like? Not as sexy. You want me to sing it or something? I'm not doing that, man. That's not happening at all. Sounds like John Coltrane, bro. Not really, man.

It was fucking, I played around a lot of white people. Look. I mean, it's not that crazy. It was basically like there was this girl Who I was trying to holler at And she was like She was like Peruvian or something She was like fine as shit And I'm like oh yeah man

I'm gonna try and get this You know Get that And then her roommate Was like hanging out and shit And I didn't really talk To her roommate much And then one day

She was like The girl who I was Trying to talk to Was out of town And then the roommate Just hit me up on AOL Instant Messenger Yeah she was like, the girl who I was trying to talk to was out of town. And then the roommate just hit me up on AOL Instant Messenger. Yeah. And was like, and she was like, hey, my roommate's gone.

You want to come hang out? And I was like, all right, fuck it. And then I went over there and did that with her and never got with the other girl who I wanted to originally. Did she put the moves on you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Totally. Literally, she was like, yeah, just come over and fuck me. And I was like, alright. And I did that.

I love when it's that easy. That's great. It's perfect. It's a wonderful time. But it was weird that she did it that way because that was her virginity, too. Oh, it was. Mutual virginity. She was ready. She was just like, get it over with. That was where I was at when it happened. I was like, alright, fucking fine. Get this done. I'm just sick of it. That was where I was at when it happened. I was like, all right, fucking fine.

Get this done. I'm just sick of it. Very rare that you meet two people like that, mutual virginity. Very interesting stuff. Ben Kissel. I fucked this chick, man. My older brother was an RA, okay? And he's a raging homosexual.

And I used to put pictures. He was an RA at UW Stout. It was a senior year. It was my senior year of high school. And I went over there. I drove my Thunderbird over to UW Stout. Are you talking about Greece? No, no. I was cruising down the streets

and I was drinking and it was fun. I get to the dorm and I meet this chick. She was another RA. She was 26 and I was 18. She was good friends with my brother and I had just finished playing a prank on my brother where I put gay porn on his computer thinking, oh, that's funny.

He's going to be all upset about it. Turns out he's gay. I did not know that when I was 18. You did it! What if that was the moment though, like he saw the porn on his computer and was like, this is great.

I sent his screensaver to a dude, blown another dude, then I just put all these things on his computer. Did he give you an extra big hug at the next holiday? He just didn't think it was funny, which I thought was weird. But anyway, so then her name was, I'll say, well, her name was, I'll say,

well, her name is Morgan. And then, so she was 26 and I was 18 at the time. She was an RA on the third floor of this dorm. And then so I was like, I really like you. She was short. She was fat and she had big tits. And then I was tall and I was a little bit slender. Were you tall? I was tall, yeah. And I had a big old cock.

And so... That has changed since... No, no, no. It got a a big old cock. That has changed since. No, no, no. It's gotten a little bit fatter. That is shriveled. But anyway, so I was like talking to her, and she knew I was Eric's younger brother and stuff, and I was like charming and making jokes and stuff.

And then she brought me up to her dorm room, and then so she was like, let's do this. So then I took off all of her clothes, you know, and then I saw her big fat titties and stuff, and then I took off her pants, and you know and then I saw her big fat titties and stuff and then I took all right her pants and then now she had toilet paper in her pussy and I thought that was kind of funny uh so I so I plucked out the toilet paper in her pussy and uh you took your time with this huh absolutely I absolutely did and then so I remember it really well and uh so I took on all the toilet paper in her pussy and I just kind of like put it aside. So I ate her pussy for like 50 minutes

and then she came like tons. Right. Because I was like so insecure about fucking somebody. I was like, I better just you know, I better just like make her not have a terrible time. Right. And then so then I finally got to fuck her and then it came all over her tits. And then afterwards

she said, oh, that was amazing. I thought you were one of the best I ever had. Are you sure this wasn't just like a sex thing? Dan, don't interrupt. This sounds too personal. No, this is true. I was good. I was good once. I was good once. Right now, Ben is in the running

for sexiest. I'm telling you, I was good. I was good at fucking one. That's the truth. That's why he also might win running for sexiest. I'm telling you, I was good. I was good at fucking rolling paper. Yeah, you're going to get the sexiest. That's why he also

might win trashiest. That's the problem. It's like a nice little detail. Anyway, so she was like, that was one of the best I ever had.

And I said, well, you were my first. And then she was like, what? And then she got all upset and I was like, you know,

I didn't mention the door. I didn't want to hear that. But anyway, it was a wonderful time and it lasted hours and she was like, I can't believe

you didn't come quicker. And I was like, well hear that. But anyway, it was a wonderful time, and it lasted hours. And she was like, I can't believe you didn't come quicker. And I was like, well, that's why I chose a fatty. So anyway. All right, there you go. Sexiest fashion. It ended exactly the way you'd expect Ben to end his first time. No, no, I mean, it's nice. I mean, that's why you choose one.

It wasn't intimidating, you know. She was great. I loved her. She has a kid now. All right, ladies, what do you got? All right, what do you got, Amber? Oh, jeez. His name was Michael Tozan.

He's some sort of politician's son in Louisiana. I don't know what sort of politician, but, you know, real big dick, giant, like the size of a, what do you call it? Kielbasa? A tennis racket handle. Oh, nice. It was like that. Like, oh, so like tennis ball on the end and then thin and wooden on the bottom.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that fucking girth. It was huge. I didn't bleed, but it did hurt the next day. I couldn't really walk around. But I was staying in somebody's house. No I was staying in somebody's house They were living in this Old

Renovated brothel From like the early 1900s in Louisiana And That is hot You had sex Your first time was in a brothel Yeah

That is great Well maybe you may have just lost Jesus Christ And it was like Crazy shit would happen Like sometimes a drawer Would just pop open Full of cash A haunted brothel Jesus Or like happened like sometimes a drawer would just pop open Full of cash

A haunted brothel Or like a door would lock And I was like there by myself And so I slept with this guy And then he left immediately And I was heartbroken Why did he leave me And then my friend who was staying there

He came back the very next day I had been there for months by myself He came back the next day And he said Wait these sheets look different Or there's like a wet spot on it or something I had been there for months by myself Came back the next day And I said He said Wait These sheets look different Or there's like a wet spot on it or something I said

Oh I lost my virginity there last night He was a gay man We were best friends And I wanted him to comfort me And I was like Please hold me Because he left and broke my heart And he said

He just kind of took the sheets off the bed Threw them in the wash And then slept on the floor. That's amazing. Good job. Oh, that's great. You know, I'm thinking, I can't believe that we didn't make saddest. Yeah.

That's up there. I mean, it's not too late. It might be the saddest and sexiest. That's kind of crazy. mean, it's not too late. I'd be the saddest and sexiest. That's kind of crazy. Jackie, what do you got? I feel like I don't even want to go after that one. My losing my virginity story is, I guess, probably going to win lamest. I was 16, and I was doing ecstasy like I did a lot of when I was 16.

So far, it's not that lame. It's kicking into high gear right now. Well, this was the first of multiple gay men that I slept with. Right. And so I lost my virginity to my good friend who was homosexual. And I was like, it's going to be fine because we walked into his room. His parents were out of town. Did you know he was gay? You didn't know though at the time.

What? You didn't know he was gay. No, but I always figured because I'd known him for a really long time. Okay. And I was like, so I walked into his room, and since we were, like, peaking hard, he just started, like, masturbating. And I was just like, well, while you're at it, why don't we just have sex? He's like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we start making out. Immediately loses his heart on him. And I was like, all right. I was like, no, it's fine. I was like, why don't we just get going and, yeah, it'll come back. Yeah, it's going to come back. So I, like, shoved his deflated penis, like, inside of my vagina. I, like, basically, like, folded it inside of me because I thought, I was like, it'll get hard once it's inside, right? And it

got a little hard, broke through the rest of my hymen that tampons didn't do, so I started to bleed. He got weirded out, lost his hard-on again, and I was like, okay, just keep going. And so we just sat there as he tried to get hard again and again.

Well, ecstasy doesn't really help with getting hard-on. Especially when you're not interested in the person on your cock. Yeah, he was masturbating earlier, though. Yeah, and so it was like... No, you fucking totally ruined it for him. He was like, oh, why is this woman getting in the way of this great fantasy I have about Mr. Higgle?

So eventually, I was like, oh, you can just stop. And he's like, no, I got my heart in again. So he just pulled out and he just came all over my chest. Wonderful stuff. Well, thank you, Jackie. I got my heart in again. So he just pulled out and he just like came all over my chest. Wonderful stuff. Well, thank you, Jackie. That was dedicated to Henry Zabrowski. I mean, that's the thing. That was very blue. I thought it might be lamest.

No, that was... I thought it was saddest. It was really sad. It's sad for you. It's sad, yeah. I think you just might have had a trifecta there. Yeah, that was really intense. No, it's the worst story. It's the worst one.

It was amazing. I love how both you women had a gay guy involved. Yeah. Not bad. Eddie, what do you got? There was this chick I was very close with. I was like her dude friend. Her name was Kelly Fiscaldo.

And she started, she's real super hot. She was banging this... How super hot was she? Oh my god, she looked like a tiny Viking. Yeah, I know what you mean. You mean a hit-or-hue? A Viking woman. A spear wife!

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And so she was uh she was dating this fucking uh psychopath who uh banks big reg or something like that it's something like he was ridiculous he could have beaten the fucking shit out of me he was the biggest dude in the world and she was dating this dude and he banged one of her friends and so we're talking on the phone she's all upset about it it. And it's late at night because when you're 16 you talk to girls on the phone all night long because you still like the phone.

so then she tells me she's like, I really wish he wasn't the last dude I ever fucked. And I was like, well, you know, you can fuck me. So she rollerbladed over to my house. Yes! Sexiest! Very sexy. me and then uh and then so she rollerbladed over to my house she rollerbladed over to my house i snuck her into my window which i actually was a lot of fun because i had a great window for sneaking girls into back then and you could sneak i snuck her

into my window and she's like put on some music. And I was like, all right, all right. So I put on In a Gata De Vida by Iron Butterfly. Nice! And then we start making out. Then she starts laughing at me because the song's so bad because she hates it so much. Oh, yeah. And I was like, fine. Did she start laughing at you before or during the drum solo? Oh, no, no.

Get to the drum solo? That's like 13 minutes away So she can't handle it So she's like alright change the music I was like fine I'll change the music And I ended up putting on The worst take my breath away The Top Gun song

Well that's what she requested Oh well it was perfect She knew I had it Yeah but then I fucked her She's so hot You literally took her breath away when you sat on top of her Yeah And you're like oh you're coming

She's like yeah breathe And that's it I'd say that's about it Did you come inside or did you come on her? I came inside of her. She wouldn't let me use a condom. Wonderful New Jersey woman. Too young.

She would not let you use a condom? She wouldn't let me. She said it doesn't feel as good. That's true, but not when you're that young. Yeah, we were 16. Oh, my God. What is she doing now? I think she's a pharmacist.

She's very successful. Yeah, yeah. All right, well, before we get to the scoring, I'll tell my own. is she doing now? I think she's a pharmacist. She's very successful. Funny thing to tell. Alright, well before we get to the scoring, I'll tell my own. I was a junior in high school. She was a freshman in college. Her name was Emily. And she

had red hair, long red hair, soccer player. Fiery. And she was a friend of an older friend of mine and she found out that I was a virgin and somehow took it upon herself as a personal mission to take my virginity and so the night that we were like we had planned on doing it she went to Texas Tech and I was like kind of going back and forth there I was like alright this weekend we're gonna do it I. I'm going to come up. So I came up, and she, that night, went on her period.

And she was like, do you still want to do it? I'm like, yes, yes, of course I do. Well, there's blood either way. Yeah, I was like, I want to do it. She didn't know how much blood excited you. Yeah. And so we started doing it, and so we started doing it and before we started doing

it, she had turned off all the lights in her dorm room and except for the television, which had Jerry Springer on and the music she put on was Sarah McLaughlin. Trash. That's just as bad as mine.

Yeah. And then in the middle of it, we're getting there, we're going there. You lost your virginity to a lesbian. Maybe. No, no, no. She's married now, but who knows. But in the middle of it, she said,

I have to stop. I can smell my own blood. Jesus, Marcus. This is your fucking story? Are you kidding? I have to stop. I can smell my own blood. Jesus, Marcus. This is your fucking story? Are you kidding me? Does anyone smell a pig's face? Was she a horse? Was she a horse?

Why would she say that? Why would you ever say that? You can smell it and stop it, but why would you ever say it? It's the long red hair that should tip you off. It's literally a shark story. This is how a male shark has fucked a woman who said the exact same thing to him. And so, like, hold on. I didn't come because she refused to go down on me after her bloody pussy had been all over me.

That's the only way you can come. Someone's going down on you right now. Let me ask you, do you lose your virginity the first time you put your dick in a pussy? Or do you lose your virginity the first time you cum? No, no. The first time, penetration. You have to cum. Penetration.

No, you have to cum. No, penetration. No, penetration. Most women won't cum until they're about 30 years old. Okay, so let's say you played a game of football. You played for three quarters, but you don't play the fourth quarter. Did you play a full game of football? Did you play football?

You gotta play the game! But you played football! No, but you did not finish the game. You're not a fucking footballer. No, you have to come. As a football player who only played about four plays a game, I'm gonna say that I played football, but I never fucking played in the fourth quarter

when it mattered. That's right. You weren't good enough. And that's why you can't, if you don't come, it's not sex. No! Marcus, I hope this goes into your judgment. So what are you saying here? You disagree with me, Kevin?

I mean, I feel like... But what about women? If you don't... Who cares? Who cares? I'm not Who cares? Who cares? Would you say That you fucked a chick

Do you think That you fucked a chick If you don't cum? So you're fucking a chick For eight hours And you never end up cumming You didn't fuck a chick Right?

I mean that's true You did fuck her But you did If you like Fucking But you don't cum That's still You still fucked her

You wouldn't count a girl That you wasted And you got whiskey dick and you don't cum? You wouldn't count that as fucking girl? I bet you would still count that as fucking a girl. No, I fucked her. You would say I fucked her the next day. No, I would not say I fucked her the next day. The next day I would say that I was... It would be all weird.

You're like, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't do that. No, no, no, no, no. I'm a cuddler. All right, Marcus, what's going on? What would you say that was? In your world, what would you say that was? If you like put like a limp whiskey dick... It is literally cuddler. All right, Marcus, what's going on? What would you say that was? In your world, what would you say that was? If you put limp whiskey...

Cuddle. It is literally cuddling. Cuddling is cuddling? I'm telling you the truth. If I fuck a chick... I'm starting to lean towards fun. And I don't fuck. If I don't cum,

I will... It counts as cuddling. Cuddling? It's just like... It's close. Cuddling is close quarters contact. Close quarters contact. I'm torn, man.

It's fine. It's just aggressive cuddling. No, it's not aggressive per se. You've rubbed your genitals. You've put your God parts inside of each other. Yeah, God parts. You have exposed your raw penis. Penis.

Just because the forecast says it's going to rain and it doesn't rain, it means it didn't rain. You know, I'm just telling you. What does that mean? I'm telling you, dude. I understand it, man. That's what I'm saying. What is that? It's supposed to rain.

No, it's not. Ed, Ed, Kevin, all of us. The clouds are gray. It's going to rain. It's a rainy day, but it never rains. It didn't rain. It's cloudy out. It's cloudy rainy day, but it never rains. It didn't rain. It's cloudy out. It's cloudy.

That's what I'm talking about. I figured a chick with my dick. Right, exactly. It's warm wet cuddling. That's what I'm talking about. There's pre-cum. There's pre-cum. Well, don't bring it up. Pre-cum.

Pre-cum is a myth. I've got to get this story here. I don't pre-cum. Well, don't bring it up. Pre-cum. Pre-cum. I've got to get the score in here. Pre-cum is a myth. I've got to get the score in here. I don't pre-cum when I jerk off. Exactly. That's the best part. That's what gets your dick the wettest. All right, all right.

Marcus, give us scores and we can end this whole thing. This is getting too much for me. That's what gets your dick the wettest. Before we get to that, I gotta say, Holden, I've known you for three years and that was the worst face I've ever seen you make when you were like, it's going to get you the wettest. Oh my goodness.

So fun though. Marcus, do the scores. Alright, sexiest despite your fucking awful opinions, Ben. Don't give a damn. Yeah, thank you. 26-year-old, yeah.

Very nice. Yeah, Ben has sexiest. It was very... Smelliest, I'm gonna have to give it to myself. Alright, good. Smell my own blood. Yeah, smell my own blood. Blood is that smelly.

I have to get it. It literally stopped because of the smell. Yeah, exactly. Smelliest. Lamest, Jackie. Jackie it literally stopped because of the smell. Yeah. Exactly. Smelliest. Lamest, Jackie. Jackie. Yeah, definitely. There were drugs involved.

I'm a close second, though. It's so fucked up that you were rolling, and it's still the lamest. Yeah. Yeah, it's really sad. Although, Holden was watching a Bonnaroo DVD. He'd never even been to Bonnaroo. That's pretty lame. Can you give it to Holden?

No. Are you sure? She was smoking hot, though, and it was a good time. She did not know until I told her that I lost my virginity, by the way. I had 100 pounds on me at the time. Trashiest, I gotta give it to

the haunted Louisiana brothel. Yes! Amber! And saddest, I have to give it to the haunted Louisiana brothel Amber wins it all alright everybody that's Jackie Zabrowski Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett

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