The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 123: Poo Poo Choo Choo Live!

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, a special live version of the Round Table: a disbarred lawyer is arrested for penis graffiti, a woman threatens to cut the throats of two men who refuse cunnilingus, and a small town's sacred New Year's ceremony is threatened by the Round Table's mortal enemy, PETA.

The Round Table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, alright, that sounds good. Alright, alright. Start us off with a round table prayer. Alright, folks, if y'all will bow your heads in prayer. In the name of the

Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. None of it works. It does work. It doesn't work. Dear God, please find a place beyond your burly gates for our newly lost friend, Goblin the Murder Fist Frog. Oh, Holden's dead frog. And that's it.

Holden lost his frog this week, everybody. Holden's frog died. Che, come on up, buddy. We got a spot for you, man. Michael Che will be on. Yeah. Round tabler of the buddy. We got a spot for you. Michael Che will be on. Round tabler of the year. Round tabler of the year, Michael Che. You want to sit on David Letterman?

No, no, you have a chair over there, sir. He's taking all this dragon. All right, well, thank you. This is a good video, Michael. God, please do not get mad at Michael Che for interrupting the wonderful prayer about Goblin, the dead frog. That's right. Sorry, Jesus.

Goblin was a... You're not apologizing. I do not love you. Goblin was a frog that could not move and could not ribbit. It could move. It should have got to. Goblin died while tragically trying to hop out of his water bowl when he flipped over and drowned to death. That's how Henry's going to die.

It's true. Exactly. It's true. He was not the most athletic of frogs. It died doing what it loved. But if there's one word he would have ever riveted, it would have been, Jesus Christ, get me out of this. Kill me.

Release me. Release me from this hole in hell. Please, I should be in South America right now. So in the name of the Father and of the Son and the Holy Spirit, God bless Goblin. Amen. Nice prayer. Don't agree. Indeed.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Who are these very, very voluptuous people on this stage? Jackie's Browsy. My new nickname is Happy Ham. When did that happen? When I was eating a bunch of ham yesterday. No shit. Were you happy when you were eating that?

Man, I was so happy eating that ham. Ed Larson, and I'm still just Chubby Farts. Chubby Farts is a good one. Holden McNeely, Goblin, why? Take me, God. Take me. You're a terrible father, Holden. So you, Goblin Y, take me, God. Take me. You were a terrible father, Holden. So you buried the frog today.

We buried him today. We had this fucking... Okay, I'm Ben Kissel. This is Michael Che. Thank you for being here, Michael. He was buried. It was a beloved ceremony. I don't want to talk about it.

Lexi and I were there. It was under a tree in McCarran Park. It was... We'll talk about it. Michael Che sent in for Kevin Barnett, and then we got Henry Zebrowski here as well. Hello. It was under a tree in McCarran Park. We'll talk about it. Michael Chase didn't know for Kevin Barnett, and then we got Henry Zebrowski here as well. Hello.

How are you? No. Are you doing a Chinese accent? I'm not the size of a one-time. I just found one accent that he can do, and he is definitely making it racist. I stick to it. It's pretty great. So Holden, hello, Marcus.

Hello, how are you doing? Holden, hello, Marcus. Hello, how you doing? Holden, how do you feel about this dead frog? I am sad. What could you have done better to keep this frog not from being dead right now? More humidity, and I would say live in South America. Right, so not keep it at all? Right, just let it live where it should live and not in a Brooklyn apartment where there's garbage all over the floor

and beer cans everywhere. It stinks like shit. You should have just flushed it down the toilet. I feel like if you have a frog you don't want, you flush it down the toilet. Absolutely, I totally agree. I mean, no, you're just sending it to a fun pool. Take it on the sidewalk and stomp on it until it's gone.

It was also covered in like... There are so many ways to kill a tiny frog. It was covered in a fine dusting of like ashes, and it was playing with a beer cap. That's the thing. You should have burned it. It was like a poor child. That's the thing. It found one of my mini nuggets sitting around the apartment.

It had a little nibble, and I think those were the last of days after that. It was. It tripped out its brain. Are you going to get another living creature that depends on you for its very, very livelihood? I mean, you still got the cage. I planned for five more in 2013. Five more Pac-Man frogs, baby. They're going to be living everywhere.

They're going to be living in your shoes, Ben. They're going to be living in your shoes. They're going to be in your shoes. They're going to be in your porno DVD cases. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Nothing lives in there. It's all dead corpses and freedom for me. All right.

Well, let's get to a news story. Newsman Marcus Parks, what do you got for us today, buddy? A state district judge ordered disbarred Dallas attorney Tom Correa back in jail this morning because he allegedly trashed his design district office and drew penises all over the walls after being evicted last month. Before we go any further, look at the screen. This is the man.

Of course that's the man. I mean, what did he do to get evicted if he didn't draw the penises to get evicted? Well, he got disbarred first. And since he got disbarred, he couldn't pay his rent anymore.

And after he got evicted, that's when he returned. When the president of the real estate company that represents the building, Doug Mulney, showed up the next day to check out the property, he found, quote, complete destruction, including penis graffiti on every single wall throughout the building. He's got to come to New York and give Dick Chicken a run for his money. He just had a really bad November. That's got to come to New York and give Dick Chicken a run for his money. He just had a really bad November. That's really what it comes down to. In the end,

it's just like his one joy was to express himself via penis drawing. Right, right, right. You should let him have that. Henry, if you had to... What's up, Trey? Whose penis was he drawing? Well, we're assuming his own, right? Well, written next to some of the penises was the name Doug.

Is that something? Doug's dick! Doug's dick! Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski, you get fired from your job. You gotta do some sweet graffiti on the wall. What are you drawing? Oh, man, I don't know when it comes down to it. I mean, you want to do your classic 666 with

a pussy in the center. Natural, of course. Is that a pussy or is that a six? I think he's going for 666 with a pussy in the center. Naturally. Of course. Is that a pussy or is that a six? I think he's going for 666 with a pussy in the center. I think it's some sort of strange six-shaped pussy. No swastikas? No! No, a pentagram with a pussy in the middle of the pentagram. Ooh!

Exactly. Whatever it is, it just needs to have a pussy in the center of it. That sounds like a great Christmas gift for Henry, a pentagram with a pocket pussy right in the middle. Oh, my God, please! I want to make those on Etsy and sell them. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm excited to see the demon spawn that comes out of the piece of loose life that you came all over. That will be very, very exciting. In addition to all

of the dicks, there were also feces and urine on the floor. This guy's a kid! This is exactly how you get fired! Fuck shooting up

the building, taking lives! Rub your shit and put dicks all over the walls! That will have a much more scarring, jarring memory for everybody that sees it. That's also how Goblin left the world. It is. I actually got to, I saw Goblin's last days, and I'll tell ya, he was not

swimming in water. That was fecal matter. It was all shit. He shit himself. It's just nice to see that all God's creatures shit hard upon the moment of death. Why would God, why does that happen with God? Because I think that's how he made the world. That's right. God thinks you're a terrible dad.

God took a giant dump in outer space and that's Earth. Why can't he let us come on our death? That would be so much more enjoyable. I think you can. You can come. Do you come? Oh, yeah, yeah. Is there any doctors in the house?

Do we have any doctors here? A nurse? Oh wait, someone raised their hand back there. Anybody ever watch someone die? Yeah, I think that's a yes. The deafening silence is like, yeah, we can't talk about it. I'm still on the run. I can never go back to Connecticut.

That's a place to kill somebody. Fuck people in Connecticut. Oh man, I hate kill somebody. Oh, fuck people in Connecticut. Oh, man, I hate white people. Absolutely. Holden, what sort of plant do you think is going to grow underneath Goblin's body? Oh. I guess above Goblin's body. Unless it's a potato.

What if you dig it up and it just... Probably a lily pad, right? A little lily pad. Some kind of poisonous berry, I think. Or, you know, fucking mushroom. What if it's a giant, beautiful, white tree? Oh, that'd be nice. Wouldn't it be?

That'd be good. It's not what's going to happen. No, no, no, no. No, Goblin's never going to be alive again. A dog's going to dig it up and eat it. That's the thing. Or a little kid. He's going to be like, Mommy, Mommy, look what I found.

And then it ruins their day. And that's what I'm excited about. That's why I buried it with a big arrow pointing down saying children, children, children look upon under the dirt. Hey Che, you ever lose a family pet? You ever not take care of an animal enough that it died? Yeah, I had a cat

that died. I don't know how. Probably no food, right? Probably. How often did you feed the cat I never fed the cat We never decided whose job it was yet That's also like what the government does That's how millions of people die every year No one decided who to take care of them

That poor fucking cat God bless him Do you even remember the name? No. Did it have a name? Yeah. Some like nippers or something. I think his name was Cookie Monster and then there was another name. Oh, how ironic, you know, because you didn't feed him.

That's kind of weird. Why the fuck? You feed cats? Yeah, you gotta feed cats! Yeah, you gotta feed cats! The breeze needs food! That's the first thing you do. Yeah, the first to feed cats. Now you got to feed cats. You got to get in the breeze. Needs food. That's the first thing you do. Yeah, the first thing. Who knew?

Come on. That's kind of a fun. No, it's a true story. Did you bury it or did you just throw it away? No, we throw them away, man. We live in fucking Lower East Side. We bury stuff. I'm going to bury it on the rocks.

That's the circle of life. You know, a starved cat goes out, gets thrown away in a village, and a starved cat goes out You put it in the grass You put it in the grass and it fertilizes I would put it on top of a grave Yeah Would you research the grave first? No absolutely not You just kind of put it near a grave

And you're like well I fucking did halfway Just fucking leave me alone I'm trying to eat this fucking bag of funyuns Some people bring flowers to a grave. You bring dead cats. Absolutely, but I would put a little flower in its teeth like I'm a romantic. I would definitely do the flower

in the teeth, but I would sneak into an office building in Midtown and put it on someone's desk. Bad omen. And then just write I love you in whiteout on its belly. I think it'd be great in a pizza box. Yeah. Cat in a pizza box? Yeah, you open a pizza box, dead cat. I think it'd be great in a pizza box. Yeah. Cat in a pizza box?

Yeah, you open a pizza box, dead cat. I don't know why your business failed, Eddie. I feel like it's such a wonderful idea. I would like to make a Davy Crockett hat out of one. Yeah, okay. You know, with the little tail. It would be really small, though, I think. Wouldn't it be really small?

Cats have small asses. It would look like one of those Pez hats. It definitely would look like the black Davy Crockett. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would be dope. If Jay's wearing yeah. Well, I mean, don't. If Jay's wearing it. Jackie, you think you cut open its ass and you put it on, it's like that? You cut open its belly so its arms and legs flap over your eyes.

It just lays on top of you. So it's like you have a serious conversation and you keep having to sweep the cat's arms out of your eyes. I can't. I can't even. So, Jackie, how big is a cat's asshole? No, not a cat's arms out of your eyes. I can't. I can't even. So Jackie, how big is a cat's asshole? No, not a cat's asshole. I'm saying you just cut off the butt of a cat and put it on your head. Oh, okay.

Like a cat butt yarmulke? A yarmulke. Yeah, a yarmulke is a big butt. Clothes, spin it to your hair. I don't think that's kosher. And then wear the tail up. No, that seems reasonable. It's like one of those weird little finger puppets.

But it's a big dead cat. Right, right, right, right, right. All right, Marcus, give us some more information. Next news story. A North Carolina man is dead after police say he accidentally drank from a jar of gasoline and then smoked a cigarette. He died of cancer, everybody. He died of cancer. It. He died of cancer. It's very, very sad.

City spokeswoman Diane Miller said investigators believe Banning was at a friend's apartment when he apparently mistook a jar of gasoline sitting by the kitchen sink for a beverage. After taking a gulp, he spit the gas out and got some on his clothes. Sometime later, investigators say Banning went outside to smoke a cigarette and burst into flames. That needs to be, like a picture of him in flames needs to be on the cover of every single pack of Marlboro. I feel like it's a goddamn motherfucker

leaving their gasoline all around. I've been drinking and spitting it. Why did they have a bunch of gasoline right by the sink? I don't know, man. It's South Carolina. I mean, Holden, you're from North Carolina. Yeah. We look down at South Carolina.

Oh, no. Actually, no, no. This is North Carolina. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. We look good at us. We like us. We like us. But I know a lot of bannings, and they're all idiots. Hey, y'all. Hey, y'all. You guys want to see me explode myself? Oh, yeah, I do.

I can't wait to see it. Sure thing, Travis. Yeah, absolutely. This is a great joke he does every Thanksgiving. See, I thought it would be cooler if he actually swallowed the gasoline, lit the cigarette, and his stomach exploded. Yeah. And a bunch of eels fell out of it and stuff. You're like, what?

Why? It's wild. That's quite a wicked pinata. Yes. The old scorpion pinata. That would quite a wicked piñata. Yes. The old scorpion piñata. That would be very, very exciting. I have no other details on this case. This is just...

It's a very short story. Very matter of fact. It's just what happened. This is dead now. Gasoline, cigarette, dead. He just died. I'm sure Spike... You don't know if he had a family or not?

I mean, odds are not. Odds are... Well, odds are he has a family that has not talked to him in a very long time. Yeah, right. Last time he drank all the gasoline on Christmas in 2014. I can't get the lawnmower to start. Hank drank all the goddamn

gasoline. What a fucker. I love that shit. How the fuck was he smoking that cigarette, though? He's not a smart man. He drank gasoline and he spit some out, but? He's not a smart man. He drank gasoline. He spit some out, but I think he must have swallowed a whole bunch of different amounts of ounces. Well, I would imagine that because the mouth is very porous, it's got mucus membranes and all that type of stuff. Exciting.

Yeah, yeah. Very good science. I know science. I like your science. Thank you. You're smart. Yeah, so I'd imagine a lot of that kind of, I guess, was absorbed. Just seeped in. Yeah, seeped in, absorbed.

You light a cigarette. I think what really got him was the gas that spilled on his clothing. Oh, okay. And also, and the membranes. I say it's death by membranes. Interesting. I love membranes. That's going to be my next pet, membranes.

Membranes? Just a bottle of membranes. Just an octopus named membranes? It's marketed as the animal that never dies, but it still dies when you take care of it. You should get a lobster because lobsters are biologically immortal. I'll eat it. Is that right? That is totally true.

They just keep growing, right? Yeah. The only way they can die is stabbed to death. Really? And they're used by a witch. Yeah, yeah. It has to be a silver fucking stake. No, really? Lobsters don't die?

No, they don't die. They keep growing, too. They grow forever. Oh, that's funny. I saw forever. They have to die. It's natural predators. They're like me?

Lobsters in the ocean as big as this building, my friend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way. I'll get the fuck out of here. Yeah, lobsters only die by murder. Yeah. That is not true. They will die.

It's totally true. Kings in Singapore ride them like horses. Yeah. What? This is true. They ride Singapore horses? No, man.

This is not true. No, every word you get there is not fucking true. Put the picture up. All right, we'll get a picture. The king of Singapore has got two lobster sons and one lobster wife.

What are their names? Their names are Lobster One, Lobster Two, and Sarah. What does he do with his lobster wife? You could just bang her forever. It will cut your dick off, dude. Yeah, it's dangerous. He puts rubber bands on the ones that are his children and his wife. How do you fuck a lobster?

You cuss him. You cut a little hole in its abdomen and then you fuck a lobster? You pussy. You cut a little hole in its abdomen and then you stick your dick in its shell. Hey, guys. Queen of Singapore. There you go. Exactly. That is a picture. That's not even a painting.

By the way, she is wearing a mermaid dress. And has anyone else noticed that this is an advert for oysterster Loaf? Yeah, that's her nickname. I think this Oyster Loaf company is really going to take off. Queen Oyster Loaf of Singapore. Alright, point

proven, Henry. You're a brilliant man. Thank you. Alright, next one up. We got some news out of West Virginia. A woman named Melissa Lee Williams is facing assault and weapons charges after allegedly waving a knife at two men who declined her demands to engage in sexual conduct at a motor inn. According to investigators, Williams, who lives four doors down

from her estranged husband at the 77 Motor Inn, showed up at his door and asked Danny Williams and another man to, quote, eat my pussy. And we're going to go ahead and show you a picture of this woman right now. Eat my pussy. I'm loving her. Eat my pussy, bro.

Eat my pussy. Eat my pussy. I'm from West Virginia. We eat pussy right in West Virginia. She is the pussy witch. At this point, yes, the pussy witch. At this point, Williams, pictured in the mugshot right here, commenced to undress herself,

while Danny Williams declined said invitation. The other man, Adam Watson, told cops that he, quote, agreed to perform at her request. Yeah, why not? However, You have to do it. I've had worse. However, as

Really, you've had worse? I've had much worse. I haven't even seen a pussy yet, and I? I've had much worse. I haven't even seen a pussy yet. That's horrifying. All right, we'll see if it's as bad as this guy's experience. As Watson approached Williams, quote, he became overwhelmed by horrible vaginal odor emitting from Melissa Williams. Watson, understandably, declined to proceed any further.

I tend to shit out my pussy sometimes. Don't mind it, man. Listen, I ain't trying to offend you none, but I decline to continue with this order. It is as if an entire White Castle kitchen is living in your vagina. And I like White Castle usually, but yours seems like it closed down a couple of years ago, and it never took the meat out. Never took the beef out. It's got all the chicken rings inside of her.

I keep the chicken rings up in there so you feel something. It'll get around and cock a little bit, but I'll eat it right off. I love my pussy chicken rings. Shay, what's the stinkiest pussy you ever smelt and ate? I once was with a girl that wiped wrong.

What? That would be back to front. She had poo-poo choo-choo? Yeah. Her and oyster loaf. Her and mis-oyster loaf. I know you got a title for the episode. Yeah, definitely. Poo-poo choo-choo. Her and Oysterloaf. Her and Miss Oysterloaf. I think we got a title for the episode.

Yeah, definitely. Poo-poo choo-choo. Am I right? So you were down there, and you were eating her pussy, and she had poo-poo in the pussy. I wasn't eating it. She took her panties off, and it smelled like hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've never been to hell, but I think I have been to hell. Oh, yeah.

You've been there. Oh, I've been there, man. You've seen it. That's for sure. Like I said, I've had worse. Oh, I've been there, man. You've seen it, that's for sure. Like I said, I've had worse. Well, this story ain't over yet. After the man declined, this is when Melissa Williams

allegedly produced a lockback folding knife, opened it, and pointed the weapon at her estranged husband. Bottomless? Yes. Absolutely.

She then reportedly uttered a line never before memorialized in a police report, quote, somebody is going to eat my pussy or I'm going to cut your fucking throat. I guess you've got to eat her pussy, right? I would eat multiple pussies. Now that's a woman. Hey, Jackie, have you ever held anybody by knife point to eat your pussy?

Not yet. Yeah, that's bullshit. Give me another 12 hours. I gotta get a knife. I had heard that that's how Martha Washington seduced George Washington. She loved those wooden teeth. It's a word down there. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- he wrote the Constitution of the United States of America. God bless America!

The Constitution, everybody! The Constitution of this great, great land of ours that provides us with all of our great podcast freedoms. And that's actually in the bonus features of the new Lincoln movie. Of Lincoln, that's right. If you stay through the credits, you get to see that. I've heard that. He's like, I like it when he goes down on me because it's like a nutcracker's licking my clips.

You say, I like it when he goes down on me because it's like a nutcracker's licking my clips. Henry's girlfriend is not here tonight. Got a great walnut for a pussy, though. All right. So, Jackie, how long does it take for a woman's vagina to get as bad as it seems that it got for this woman? I mean, literally makes a man pass out and not eat her pussy at night point. Well, I got to say real quick, by the way, I have produced a smelly penis in front for this woman. I mean, literally makes a man pass out and not eat her pussy at night point. Well, I gotta say real quick, by the way, I have produced a smelly penis in front of a woman. Well, I'm sure...

To be fair. Produced or presented. This is such shocky news. It is like I have put a stinky dong in front of a chick and been like, lick, lick. Ugh. I literally... Oh, God.

I can't shit for a week. You literally made me not be able to... Yeah. Ugh. Ugh. Give her the stink dog. God I can't shit for a week. You literally made me not be able to Get rid of frog you have how do you make your dick smell so bad? Oh man Adam? Wipe it on your ass. Yeah, it's just gross. I mean look at him check. Can you imagine what his dick fucking? Oh definitely yeah, yeah, yeah, kind of bad swaps the grease and pasta Yeah, I can't take baths because the water immediately is... Dead frog right now. Swamp goblin all over your dick.

Absolutely. That was part of the ceremony. It's got proteins. Uh-huh. I stick my balls in kombucha for four hours and then I got the live culture on there. That eats away the smell.

That's a good thing. That's a new thing that you could learn as well that this woman could have done. Right, what eats away the smell of a bad pussy? Let's just skip. We'll just move on.

SOS. All right, all right. Yeah, just SOS it down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 409. Oh, yeah, put a little sponge in there. Okay. Good, good.

Comment. Get your skin right off. No, Ben, no, Ben. Seriously, long night. It's 4 a.m. at Cabin. I'm not the one who filed the fucking police report. Are you kidding me?

If it was me in this situation, no one would ever know about it because I would have loved fucking her. Exactly, come on. That's not so big. Ben carries his special gas mask around for such occasion. It's got a tongue hole in it. Yeah, it leaves the tongue hole in it. I enjoy the essence of man, and I enjoy the way that humans smell.

That's why I'm not into cows or pigs or toads. I want to know more about this lady. She was sweet. She literally forced a man to do exactly what he wants to do. Well, she was also... When the guy that showed up on the scene, his name was Deputy Mellinger, he arrived on the scene, he observed Williams, who, like the two men Appeared to be intoxicated

Nude from the waist down All three of them Were nude from the waist down? Just her All three of them Were intoxicated Okay After pocketing a knife

That was on the coffee table In front of Williams Mellinger arrested her For domestic assault And brandishing A deadly weapon No wait a minute But didn't she also make

A side career As being She was a side career As Kathy Bates Body double For the last like nine years Pussy body double? Wait a minute. But didn't she also make a side career as being, she was a side career as Kathy Bates' body double for the last nine years. Pussy body double? Yeah, pussy double. But you said she pocketed the knife. Where did she put it?

Well, you can imagine that. There's obviously a lot of open rooms on this woman. No, the cop pocketed the knife. I mean, they should have just rotissiered her and then hoped for the mouth. You just put the coin. I mean, all right. I'm not a cop her and then hoped for the mouth. You just flipped the coin. I mean, all right. I'm not a fan. No, that's a turnoff, though.

Wait, she was just bottomless, so she tried to get a pussy eaten with a shirt on? Yeah. That's just sacrilege. Can you imagine what this woman's tits look like? No, I want the shirt off, man. If we're going to go there, we have to go all the way. She's got like a triple XL shirt with Care Bears on it. A muumuu?

Something like that. Get the shirt off, slather in hot sauce, and Ben's going to go to town for two weeks. It's the least she could do. I agree. All right, Marcus, any more with this disgusting story? There is nothing more with this disgusting story, but're gonna return to penises here for a second Oh good A man struck his estranged wife with his penis

When she refused him sex The 62 year old offered her $30 for intercourse 62 And when she refused he took out his penis And struck her with it According to the prosecution You can't get that close to a guy

It's a huge dick. It has to be a gigantic dick. Did he do it like a fencer? Like jump out of it? He's 62, so that means it took him like six minutes to get it hard first, and then run and chase him. No, no, no.

It's easier to hit a woman with a floppy dick. That's the thing. Old men have huge fucking floppy dongs. And I think a floppy dick's gonna hurt more than a hard dick. It's got more velocity behind it. And it's sadder. It's like whipping someone with a plastic snake. Yeah, or like a towel

in the locker room. But that towel can't come all over you. That's how Sandusky got caught. He was just doing... Is that what happened? No, they had him in Sandusky. That's why I drawed a line.

Jesus Christ. Let's go back to smelly pussies, please. Don't make this show weird. Jackie, you ever see a man who just couldn't get hard, and he's just in this flaccid cock, and he's just waving it all around in front of you? Every drunk man. Really? Every single drunk man.

One, she's dealt with a lot of homosexuals later to be out of the closet. Out of the closet, man. Yeah, no. There's a lot of guys beating off in front of her and not being able to get it hard. I know that. Please, please, like I said, they just fold it up and try and shove it inside you. Yeah, we covered that one last week.

That's weird. Yeah, we heard enough. You're asking me about floppy dicks. I'll tell you about floppy dicks all day. They get floppy the second they look at me. Oh, true. Oh, Jackie. All right. Guys, get hard and show it to Jackie.

Get hard for me. That's ridiculous, Jackie. You're a beautiful woman. I want to say that my sister is beautiful, but it turns my stomach. You know what I mean? Don't say it. No, you can't say it. I want to be like, I want to support you. No, you can't say it. I want to be like,

oh, Jackie, men get hard for you all the time. No, no, no. Oh, they do. I know that they do. That's not how you compliment your sister.

No, it is not. We will mix that from the record, Henry, because that was disgusting. This is like a Family Matters episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kimmy Gibbler

just got fucking a doula. Never mind. Oh, God. Well, this guy, he's only spending five days in jail. Where did he hit her? Yeah. In the face.

Why is he going to jail? In the face. He hit her with a dick. It's his wife. Ex-wife. No, it's not his ex-wife. It's his current wife. No, it was his estranged wife.

Not ex-wife, but estranged. She's married to him. She's got to take that dick! That's what you sign, ladies! You take all of our money, but then you have to take our dick. That is not what you sign. Oh, in sickness and in health. That is the sickness.

It's the male sickness. Well, they had been married for 39 years. The marriage was ending after 39 years. His defense, Justin Andrus, said Thomas was tremendously upset that his marriage of 39 years was ending. He says his estranged wife was planning to go to Pakistan to meet a man she met online. Oh, well. She obviously doesn't like her pussy or her clit very much.

That thing's going to be shaved off immediately. Are you kidding me? You can't lose a woman to a fucking... Honey, I'm going to Pakistan where I'm treated like a dog. Why would you... What? How does he lose to Pakistan? That's insane.

You don't have to go all the way to Pakistan to find a Pakistani dude. There's hot dog trucks everywhere. You go to Pakistan and you experience the lovely beaches and resorts of Pakistan. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Does she not have hot dog trucks in her town? What the fuck?

Apparently not. She doesn't know how to react around wieners very well, which is kind of a punny thing to say. And not only... Pretty punny. I like it. Thank you, buddy. It was punny. I like it.

I love punny. It wasn't funny, but it was punny. That's why it's called punny and not funny. It's like pussy it. Thank you, buddy. It was punny. I like it. I love puns. It wasn't funny, but it was punny. That's why it's called punny and not funny. It's like pussy funny. Fuck you, Ben. In addition to five days in jail, probation, the wife asked that he undergo counseling for anger management, which was also ordered. So this guy's got five days in jail, probation for a couple of years, and anger management

classes, all for... What happened? His wife in the face with a dick. That doesn't make sense. His wife of 39 years. He wasn't even angry. Who's angry bottomless? Nobody.

With a dick thing, that's not possible. He also has to wear a dick muzzle for six months. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, treat him like a pit bull. That's what I always say. Tie it to his thigh.

But he's happy. He's fine with it because he got a Spider-Man one and a Hulk one As far as I'm concerned The US government Knows this guy Five days of life

I agree man This guy is totally Getting run through The fucking rails over here This is bullshit The big thing is He's also getting A lot of back slaps

In prison for being In jail for slapping His dick on somebody Like it's a weapon Everyone's like Damn you use your weapon Like it's a club You're the king of the gang.

I don't think you know how gangs work. I don't. I mean, if your cock is a weapon, you always have it on you. It's not like a prison guard can slice it right off. I mean, if you constantly have a cock reband on you, I mean, that's fine. Well, Che, how would a man who dick-slapped his wife fare in a gang? Where would he be in the hierarchy? I don't know, but I would love to be in the cell with him when he had to explain

to everybody why he's here. What are you in for? I beat up somebody at a bar and I'm just here. I got really, really drunk. How about you? Well, funny story. You know my wife, right? Well, now relax. You know my wife, right? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, now, now. Relax. Anyway, you know, I told her I wanted to have sex with her.

And she said no. Got all lippy with me, you know. So I did the only thing that men do in that certain time. We'd pull our pants off and I'd slap her with it. I chased her for a little while. She's pretty fast for an old gal. And I knocked her tooth loose and she called the cops. Some people just can't take a joke.

I think she needs to brush. That's ridiculous. I tried to catch her in my ball sack. I'm sorry. Alright, lights out you motherfuckers! Was he like holding her down on the ground like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, wash. Just fucking flapping around all over her face. I would put it on her lips like... This is great. Like a whole Bugs Bunny cartoon.

We could come up with ideas all day long about what to do with our flaccid dicks when it comes to slapping women with them. Fold it up and put it in the nostril.

I want to write this guy a letter, man. I love this guy. I want to write this guy a letter in prison. He could be the king of my gang any day. That sounds great.

All right, Marcus, what's going on? All right, we're going to go to England for our next story going overseas. Speaking right, well, we're going to go to England for our next story, going overseas. Nah.

Speaking of bad teeth. A man found naked in a field amongst cow dung and mud had been sexually pleasuring himself, a court has heard. It was the same farm he had returned to over a period of seven years. He was discovered on Saturday by a child of the family on land at Woodbury House Farm, Togus Mount, Redruth. What? It's the way English people do stories. It's weird. They have like six

different things they have to say anytime they write a new story. So many rules over there. We're free here. That's right. Constitution, everybody. They eat a lot of beans. I've heard that about them. We eat a lot of beans. We eat a lot of beans, too. This is true. When police officers arrived soon after, they found him covered in a large amount

of slurry and mud in a quagmire, surrounded by tissues. That's an American that's a pile of shit. Right. Surrounded by a pile of shit, but with tissues. Why won't you just come on the shit?

Better use the shit as lube. You're in a field. Why are you bringing tissues? You can come anywhere. That's the great luxury of coming in a field. Well, here's the man. He looks like a nice guy. He's kind of cute.

He's got a part. He looks like a sound tech. Is he wearing handcuffs? Yeah, he's arrested. He was arrested for doing this shit. Wait, what part of that's illegal? I don't know. It wasn't his property.

Trespassing. Trespassing, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had been arrested three times over seven years for breaking into the same farm, laying down in cow shit among their animals, and masturbating. You gotta find a new farm. You know what I wonder? How many times did he do it in which he didn't get caught?

It has to be so many times. He must have been in love with one of the cows, right? And used their shit as lube? I think he just likes the smell of shit. Isn't there cow shit all over England? Why not just steal the shit and bring it

home? He didn't know that there was the basement of the creek and the cave, which often smells like shit. Isn't there cow shit all over England? Yeah, why not just steal the shit and bring it home? He didn't know that there was the basement of the creek and the cave, which often smells like shit. Hey, we fixed that sewage problem, alright? We fixed it. It was a job. It was a rib. Yeah, but it was true. I know it was true. Doesn't matter. The only thing is maybe people

should stop shitting here. I agree. Shit it home. Shit it home. That's what I always like to say. Do you think that there was a special cow there that he found to be really sexy? That's what I just said. I figured that's true. Like a little slutty cow that was walking around? Like Betsy, yeah. Like a slutty calf.

Dressed like she wanted it. How does she know they don't wear clothes? They always fucking want it. You look into a cow's eyes. Put a skirt on a little tight calf, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Have it walk around with an Angora sweater on and a wig. I'm talking a girl that's like 350, you know, nothing too big.

No. With her tits out, you know. Yeah, yeah. Nimbly bimbly. We call her Big Tits Bernita. Oh, yeah. She's a stunner. That's a lot of nipple.

I'm getting a ticket to England and I'm going to see this fresh heifer. Well, that's getting saucy. Jackie, if you were a cow and you wanted a man to fuck you, what would you do? I mean, you got eight tits. Put on lipstick. That's a good question. See, I wouldn't want the cow to wear

lipstick because then your wife knows you've been screwing around. That's true. That's what the tissues were for. Henry, what would you prefer to be slapped in the face by a whore cow's udder or an old man's penis? Ooh, good question. That's a good question. It's a slutty cow we're talking about. No, the slutty calf.

You know what? I'd do the slut cow's udder. Yeah, I think we all would. I'd take the old man. I'd take the dick. Yeah, I would definitely take the dick. Because he's going to hold me afterwards. Yeah.

Are you sure he would? Maybe. You know, you get hoofed, you know, when you're late because you've got to be underneath the cow. You never know. It could just start hoofing you and then you're done. And these are like long, slutty udders. Although udders are really soft.

You're really making a case for the cow here. Long, slutty udders. Although udders are really soft. You're really making a case for the cow here. Long, slutty udders. I have a feeling Holden's next animal will be a cow. And it's going to be really bizarre when I just see it in the apartment. I would just be distracted by all the free milk. Love and milk these days. Anything else with the story, Marcus? Well, a prosecutor says,

There is a history of his visiting this particular farm seeking sexual gratification while immersed in cow dung and mud. This is the only place he seeks to gratify himself in this particular manner. It goes back seven years. Wow. Because you know the first couple times, like, get out of here. Just go. Get out of here. And finally, he's like, all right, I'm calling the cops.

Yeah. They should have Get out of here. And finally, he's like, all right, I'm calling the cops. Yeah. They should have just started charging him. You know, just be like, every time you want to come over here, it's 100 bucks and you can jack off and you can spend eight hours. You can fall asleep. It's no big deal. I mean, no harm, no foul. And I think this man just loved, you know, he just loved to make little shit pussies. Which is no different than the pussy that Che was forced to fucking eat.

Well, here's even more from the prosecution. The family have to regularly check their livestock, outbuildings and equipment as he has masturbated in a muck spreader and set fire to outbuildings, killing live... What's a muck spreader? Nikita, do you know what a muck spreader is?

It's like a shit spreader. Oh, like you spread the feet around? You mean like a butter knife? Yeah. Like a human butter knife. A butter knife, but for fields. Yeah. He set fire to outbuildings, killing livestock in frustration when they cleaned out their

farm equipment in an attempt to stop him from this lewd and obscene habit. He's just a horrible supervillain. Yeah, yeah. He's a good man. I don't know. He sounds like a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. He sounds like a homeless guy. Yeah, yeah. I don't know.

I feel like this guy just doesn't need to be in handcuffs. It's fine, you know? I like that he's got that part in his head like a Bloodwork Empire character. I guarantee you

his top three bands were Limp Bizkit, Limp Bizkit, and then he really enjoyed Fred Durst's Individual Elven. And he also had what is known in England as a caution for possession of extreme pornographic images in relation to animals. I mean, all right.

That's it. Okay, so you need something a lot sterner than a caution. I mean, yeah, it's like you're entering the Bill O'Reilly no-spin zone. Caution. I want to fuck a cow. I feel like this is not a big deal. I don't think this man did anything wrong. I don't know. I think it might be. Yeah, I think it's good. I feel like this is not a big deal. I don't think this man did anything wrong. I think it

might be. Yeah, I think it's a property. That would be one thing, but it's someone else's property. So if it was his cows, it'd be okay? What did Native Americans do to masturbate? Is it not pretty much the same thing? Use tobacco leaves. Use rock, ute, sticks. This is how

they invented baseball. Oh, that's right. Well, I think this has been Yeah. Yeah, so amazing. This is how they invented baseball. Oh, that's right. That's not right. What? God. That's it. That's it. Well, I think this has been certainly beaten into the ground. Well, let's go back.

Let's go back to some penis news. I'm bored of you, man. Fine. I just feel like I'm getting no respect for you. We've got a lot of penis news. This is the last one, though, I promise. A 44-year-old Athens man is facing criminal charges. Athens, Georgia?

Yes. All right. After he created a scene with a taser on Monday at a bar downtown, Meredith Grayson Watson. Like a scene from Shakespeare? Sort of. As you can see him over here. Iowasi Avenue, got into an argument with his wife at the roadhouse on North Lumpkin Street, then went outside and held a taser if it were his penis and discharged it at passerby. It's a funny joke.

I love the look on his face. He was like, yeah, I fucking did it. Yeah. Taser dick. Taser dick. And you guys can't see it out there, but he is wearing a really kick-ass T-Rex t-shirt. I did not know who T-Rex was, but apparently, Ed, you're a huge fan of this band. They're a great band, yeah. What songs do they sing?

Bang and Gong. Yeah, Bang and Gong. How do you go? Bang and Gong. Bang and Gong. You know their shit. I like to fuck all your fuckers. No, that's not the song.

Hold on. That's not it. I like to fuck all your fuckers. No, you just stop it with that fake song. All right. Is that not the real song? No. Well, a bartender called police about 2.30 p.m. to report the man's behavior.

Midday Taser Dick? He was just doing a matinee performance of Taser Dick. She told the officers that Watson's wife was a good customer at the roadhouse, but Monday was the first time she ever saw Watson. They were arguing about him being intoxicated as they entered the bar. I'm not drunk. You're drunk. I'll fucking show you, man.

I got a taser I'll put on my fucking dick. The bartender overheard the couple arguing about Watson supposedly being high and that he was going to end up in jail. The man's wife left the bar and Watson went after her, but he quickly returned and resumed drinking, setting a taser on the bar. You're just gonna go do that

taser dick thing you always do. You're drunk! You're drunk! Come out of here! Watson then began to use the device. The bartender stated he went outside and put the taser down to his pants and was acting like it was his penis. Quote, when people would walk by, he would shock it at them and would come as close as arms reach from them and set the taser off. He scared a few girls so much they crossed the street to get away.

But he didn't tase anybody. The report did not mention anyone actually getting shocked by the taser. So he didn't tase anyone and Or he didn't show his dick. No. Is it just, was it illegal for him to have a taser? He got drunk on charges of public intoxication. Public intoxication. Oh!

He's public intoxicated! Somebody else is getting in trouble. Public intoxication and disorderly conduct at 6 o'clock p.m. Oh, it took you four hours? I mean, how slow is this police department? He had a real good afternoon. I bet for the first hour, everyone's like, oh, that's hilarious.

He's a funny guy. It needs to stop now. We've all had our laughs and our good times. All right? No, no, here comes some more people. Here comes some more people. I'm a dick chaser. I'm a dexterous dexterous! God damn it, man.

We're just giving Ed too many bad ideas. I know, that's the thing. We're gonna find him naked in a fucking field full of cow shit playing with a taser. It's gonna be amazing. So what's gonna happen to this guy? He's going away for quite a while, huh? No, not at all. I mean, he's out on... Yeah, he's going to happen to this guy? He's gone away for quite a while No, not at all He's out on $1,000 bond right now

He just was drunk He did technically do two things illegal Does he get the taser back? I'm sure he does This happened in Athens, Georgia Of course he gets the taser back Listen, I made a mistake I was a bit intoxicated yesterday afternoon

But now with the renewed responsibility Of owning the taser back. Listen, I made a mistake. I was a bit intoxicated yesterday afternoon, but now with the renewed responsibility of owning a taser, I understand it is not my penis and it is not to be used for performance. Thank you, Kyle. Absolutely, Kyle. You can have your taser back. He doesn't seem so bad.

No, he's not bad at all You ever do anything with your dick Che That got you in major trouble You ever whip it out or put a taser on there Or just pretend like it was a pussy I treat my dick like a prince It has feathers on it I said prince not peacock

I know you don't fucking He didn't take his dick out, so it's no harm, no foul to me. I feel like it was a slap on the wrist. I should have just wrote him a ticket for having a taser. A caution. A caution. Gave him a caution if this was a nice question. Yeah, but if a man is that drunk at, you know, like 5 o'clock

in the afternoon and he's branching a taser. Just take the taser away. Actually, yeah, that's a pretty good thing. Take the taser away. Now let me ask you, tell him to funnel that energy into running a podcast. And then it'll be fine. That's how I'm still alive today. I don't think they have a creek there.

What do you got to mean? Was it a Tuesday? Because that would change it. If it was a Saturday, sometimes you're partying, having a good time. It was a Monday. Because Dick Taser Tuesday actually kind of rolls right off the top. But yeah, no, Dick Taser Monday. Was it football season?

This was last Monday. Yeah, so I mean, come on. There's a fucking game on later that night. This is a good excuse for him to be drunk at 10 in the morning. Later on that night. He was tailgating. What the fuck? Hurricane.

You know what? Who are you people to judge him? Are they judging him? Are you guys judging him? You make it seem like you've never made mistakes. We all make mistakes, man. Yeah. I'm with you.

Right? No, no one in this room is judging him. Our crowd and our fans are the greatest human beings on the face of the planet, and they would never judge him. Yeah, come on. Give yourself a hand. Who replaced his penis with a taser? They would not do that. They would not do that!

The Constitution, America! They're not my fans. What? What? What's happening? Michael, you're turning! Clyde, shut up. You see? You see? He's one of our louder ones. Oh my goodness.

Also, again, I can imagine George Washington doing the same thing with a sword. This is a tradition that's been going back since the beginning of goddamn America. I wish you'd be proud of it. Henry, did you just read a social studies book or something? I mean, all weapons are extensions of male genitalia, right?

I stared at a dollar bill for about 25 minutes before coming on stage. Alright, Marcus. When minutes before coming on stage. All right, Marcus. Now, when you say coming on stage, you mean... He literally came on your show. Before I came. I came just now. All right, well, we got animal news now.

Hey! Too soon. Time for dumb bear. Good night. Following outcry from PETA... Hold on, hold on. Hold on, what was that animal noise? Good night!

What animal is that? That's a badonks. The native badonks. I've never heard of it. Southern Germany. Really? Cave-dwelling creature. It has scales and lizard skin and fur.

You mean it's a Nazi. Oh, my. But aren't the scales just human fingernails growing out of the side of it? Right, right. It's an animal just covered in pictures of my face. Oh, okay. I've heard of that one. Following outcry from PETA, a judge in North Carolina has put the brakes on a bizarre holiday tradition.

Is it Mule Day? Nope, it's not Mule Days. For the past 21 years... Mule Days was mentioned on a couple of podcasts back. South Carolina has a day called Mule Days. They parade their mules around. It's retarded. It's great. For the past 21 years, the residents of Brasstown,

North Carolina, have rung in the new year by placing a live possum in a glass box and lowering it for 10 seconds, a backwards homage to the Times Square event. But after the animal rights group filed a lawsuit against the North Carolina Wildlife Resources Commission, a judge ruled the agency couldn't issue a permit for the drop.

Jesus Christ, people, that's what it is. That's awesome! That is awesome. I just want to hear it. I fucking hate PETA, man. Fuck PETA. They're the worst. They're the worst. Look at that thing. That possum is awesome. I just want to hear it. I fucking hate PETA, man. Fuck PETA. They're the worst. They're the worst.

Look at that thing. That possum is laughing. That possum is treating it so well. That possum eats every day mounds of food. Look at how scared he is. He looks so fucking scared. I'm happy because possums are pieces of shit. I hate them.

They fucking own every town they live in. Tommy Lee was hung upside down from a drum kit for half of Motley Crue's career. That possum can do it once a year. And here's another picture of the other drop they do. This is the possum in the box.

It's fine. I hate PETA. So do I. We have established on the show that we all hate PETA. We like animals, but fuck PETA. So do I. We all hate PETA. We have established on the show that we all hate PETA. Fuck PETA. We like animals, but fuck PETA. I love animals. Wait a second.

Is the holiday just like Scarin' Possums Day? It's New Year's. It's New Year's. This is great. This is New Year's Eve. I just want to hear Dick Clark fuck up the countdown. That would be great, you know, because he's about to die. He's dead. He died. Did he die? Yeah. Like two years ago. No way. Dick Clark fuck up the countdown. That would be great. You know, because he's about to die. He's dead.

He died. Did he die? Yeah, dude. Like two years ago. No way. Dick Clark died? Yeah. Happy fucking New Year.

Happy New Year. He was like his own dick and he choked to death. You read like three fucking newspapers a day. I do it, but I also only enjoy important information. Dick Clark's death is not one of them. Yeah, rape wasn't involved, so he didn't remember it. Oh, I just like

to read about myself. Alright. What? What? You just called yourself a rapist! Oh, is that what that meant? Well, here's the ruling the judge gave. Hunters

must afford wild animals the same right Patrick Henry yearned for. Give me liberty or give me death. The commission has 30 days to appeal and the events organizers isn't giving up hope yet saying we're not optimistic or pessimistic. We're

opossumistic. Yeah! Opossumistic, we're opossumistic. Yeah! Opossumistic, everybody. Opossumistic! When times are tough and you just broke a shoe. I swear to God, if George Washington was alive today, he would be the first person to hang opossum up by his feet. God damn it.

No, he made this holiday. He's the one who created it. God damn it, Brassville, North Carolina, we're opossumistic too, and we're sticking behind you. I think that PETA, in order to keep their organization afloat, they should have to learn how to speak animal. To each animal they're trying to save. Because how do you know that fucking possum isn't into it?

That possum is loving his life. He probably is loving it, and he fucking can't tell me. He's the fucking star of the show. That's right. He is in lights. His name, his person is in lights. I'd switch with that possum any day. Absolutely.

Couldn't you also take possumistic to also be like playing dead to avoid conflict? It's possible. Because that's how I would do it. Oh, possible. That's legitimate. The possum is alive though, right? Oh, yeah, of course. So what the fuck is the problem how I would do it. Oh, possibly. That's legitimate. The possum is alive, though, right?

Oh, yeah, of course. So what the fuck is the problem? I don't understand. I mean, I don't think they kill it immediately afterwards. They might. I wouldn't care if they did because possums are horrible. Why are possums horrible? They play dead.

Because they're terrifying. Have you seen their teeth? They concede defeat and play on the ego of its predator. It's just like, oh, you killed me. Please leave me alone. They're the stand-up comedian of animals. They are! They are! It's possum's lucky it was treated so fucking well, man. I mean, it's hanging

upside down in a globe. You should be allowed to shoot possums. Yeah. You're allowed to shoot a bunch of different things. Dita Von Teese does that every day. What? You remember Dita Von Teese? Who's Dita Von Teese? She's a burlesque star, and I't want to talk about Dita Von Teese. What are you talking about? She's a burlesque star, and I know her very well.

She was fucking Jesse James. Jesus Christ. All right, well, before we get to our segment from Holt McNeely, we got something from Ed Larson. Oh, yes, everybody. This is the Roundtable of the Year Award. All right. Again? Every year?

Yeah, the reigning champion is here. This is my favorite time of year. Here you go, Che. Please read your speech. Oh, you wrote him a speech. Well, it's, again, you know, because. Like the announcement. The announcement.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is he round tabler of the year again? You're going to find out in a second. You're going to find out in a second. He might not even be nominated. I might not be nominated. I won this award. My career has been skyrocketing.

It really has. You're doing really well. We all know you're doing very well. I want to break this down, though. Michael Che, you won Roundtable of the Year one year ago. And what has happened in your life in this past year? Well, nothing. No, that's not true.

David Letterman. David Letterman. David Letterman. Yeah. Oliver, you just came back from Egypt. I just came back from Egypt. So how fun. Let me ask you. There's so many cool things.

Let me ask you. There's a bunch of cool things. In Egypt, it's all thanks to the round table of the week. Yeah. This is the most important podcast ever to exist in the history of the internet and or podcast. Internationally known. And the nominees are nominated. Well, naturally.

Well, I don't know where the nominees are, Ben. I'm doing a little thing. Well, it's all there on the piece of paper for you. The nominees are... It looks like it's been written by an eight-year-old. And it did not have the best education. Do you write with your feet? Do you write or is it just in your best education. Do you write with your feet? Do you write,

or is it just in your mouth while your hands are playing with your feet? Yeah, and it's bad. Woo! Yeah, this does look, this note looks a little suicide-ish.

Yeah, it does. Hey. What are you doing, Clyde? Clyde, turn, put the thing down. Put it down. Jesus fucking Christ. What are you doing?

You're making us yell at you. All right. The nominees are... Clyde. Yes. Shut the fuck up. Thank you, Michael. Good thing.

Amber Nelson. Hey! That's fine. She's not on the round table, but that's fine. Well, no, it's not somebody on the round table. Louis Katz. Louis Katz. Hey, all right.

I just... Henry wants this so bad. I do. A pimp named Michael Che. Michael Che. Michael Che. Alexis Robbing. Robbing. Holden's girlfriend.

She's great. Girlfriend. Very attractive. Your nominee, why are you so disappointed? She's afraid of the attention. You could be on Letterman next year. What the fuck's wrong with you? Your nominee, why are you so disappointed? She's afraid of the attention that this will get. You could be on Letterman next year. What the fuck's wrong with you? You did hear that she was Holden's girlfriend, right?

You can't be happy about my... Ed Larson! No, you wrote the list. And Micah Sherman. Okay, Henry, how do you feel? I am... I mean, in the the end you know what I'm bigger than the award

yeah he's so fat hey Jackie how fat is he he's so fat he can't get the round two gentlemen award he's so fat he broke a chair oh shit he's so fat He ate too much candy

Oh shit Fuck you Henry I win Alright and the lovely Nikita has the envelope Could you please bring it up Thank you sweetheart And the winner is Oh I'm excited

That's glued shut with mayonnaise, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're fat. Holding saliva. Alright, what do we got here? The winner is Michael J. 2012! Here you go, buddy. Congratulations.

That is fucking... Alright, alright. Congratulations. All right. Congratulations. You weren't even on the show this year. I know. This is the first time he's been on the fucking show. He's been on the show a couple times. I won.

Shut up. I want to tell everybody that as roundtable of the year, I swear I didn't know that this was coming. I thought it should, but I didn't think they would get it right twice in a row. It wasn't me. It was the people. No, it wasn't. It was you. Look at everything he says.

I tell you, it's an honor to just be nominated. I want to thank... You nominated yourself. You fucking piece of total fat shit. I want to thank all my fans. It's so much fun. You are it. All of you, thank you for coming and watching me get this award.

Thank Clyde, Alexis, everybody. Maybe next year you'll get Letterman. Thanks to all the nominees that didn't show up. You guys suck. And I won again. Eat it. All right. Very nice.

And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Audience Q&A to finish out the show. If anybody would like to come up and ask us a question, we will gladly answer it. We got a microphone right here. I mean, all right. Oh, we got a man. We got, oh, we got Claude First and we got Jake. All right.

We got Claude. Michael Shea. That's Mr. Roundtable of the Year, Michael Shea. Show some fucking respect Clyde Sorry Man's a champion Mr. Roundtable of the Year Michael Shea What How do you feel about who you are

Replacing Mr. Kevin Barnett What are your feelings for Kevin Barnett That's a good question thanks for asking Clyde Um I wanna say Kevin Barnett is a... How many times has he won round table of the year? He's never been nominated. He's a bum.

He's not a bum. That sounds about right. He's the worst thing that ever happened to Jamaica or Haiti. Who can tell the difference? I'm taller than him uh I'm taller than him I'm prettier than him and um I've made

uh two thousand dollars last year so fuck yeah bro well you're definitely richer than him I'm probably richer I never even heard

a star crash how much did you make on unemployment huh how much did you make on unemployment well uh we're not gonna talk

about that on the air but I will say this that um comedy has been very good to me and being round table of the year to answer your question Clyde employment. Well, we're not going to talk about that on the air, but I would say this, that comedy has been very good to me, and being roundtable of the year, to answer your question, Clyde, and I thank you for it. It's phenomenal.

It's... Alright. Alright, alright. Come on, Jake. What else do you want? Thank you, Clyde. Thank you for your support, honestly. What else do you want? Thank you, Clyde. Thank you for your support. Honestly, I really...

Mr. Roundtable of the Year, Michael Che, thank you. Don't fuck that up again. Hey, long-time fan, first-time caller. Thank you, Jake. Hey, how are you? Get on the show. Several times. I don't know that.

I didn't see you name on a nominee list. Who wasn't nominated? It was a narrow between name and pen. This is something I'm curious about. Roundtable, including Marcus Parks. First celebrity crush.

I'm going to go a little bit out of the box here. I'm going to say Chris Farley. It wasn't a sexual thing, but I was in love with Chris Farley for a good eight years of my life. People thought it was a very upsetting thing. And I actually ended up ballooning up to 360 pounds because I wanted to be fat just like him. Yeah, that's why. That's definitely the reason why it happened. I'm dead serious.

It was why. It's definitely that. Does First Celebrity beat off to count? I think that's what he was asking. I found my brother's porno collection. God love him. He had the Jenny McCarthy Playboy. I fucking jerked off like eight times that night.

Hit it back in. Yeah. The only problem is I think I smelled his jizz rag, which we talked about. Yeah. In the similar vein, I'm going Anna Nicole Smith. Okay. Yeah. Because you found that's the first spread.

Exactly. I'm with you on Anna Nicole Smith, but I never found her physically attractive. I just loved her mind. Which is kind of weird. You got it. Yeah. I'm going to straight up say that I kind of had a thing for Kimmy Gibbler growing up. Oh, this was talking about the Kimmy.

I was like very weirdly attracted to Kimmy Gibbler growing up. Oh, this was talking about the girl. She's like very weirdly She's not Kimmy Gibbler. I can see that. She's that obtainable high. Yeah, you could get her. She looks like her. You could get her. And then the other one was Blossom. I was really into Blossom. Oh, come on now. You left all the ugly TV

stars. Yeah. Someone's got to. You saw the reflection of yourself in Blossom's nose. Hideous. Round table of the year, Michael J. Oh, you know what? Similar to Henry. I gotta tell you, I don't know if this was my first crush. I don't remember. I used to hump the bed a lot.

But I will say that... So your first crush was your bed. You love what you know. I did have a thing for DJ. I was a DJ man. I like a curvy gal. And she had those. She wasn't curvy.

Yeah, she was. In her early days, she was like nine. She was five feet tall and her pants were four feet tall. Listen, I was eight, so it's not that creepy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it ended. And I'm sorry, so it's not that creepy. Nah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it ended. And I'm sorry. I want to clarify as well.

Clarissa from Clarissa Explains. Melissa Joan Hart. Oh, my God. I fucking. I liked her from the Sabrina Teenage Witch Years as well. Yeah. Quite attracted to her. Yeah.

Yeah, we're different people. I think it's weird that your first crush was six years ago. Because wasn't that like a new show? Clarissa? Clarissa explains it all? Isn't that from like the late 90s? That was early to mid 90s. I didn't get cable until

99. Clarissa explains it all. It was so perfect for me. It's so perfect. Look at me now. By the way, oh, my God. Nothing. By the way, Eddie, I don't know what you're talking about.

So are you. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm poor now. Well, he's got that hat on. All right, Eddie. Who'd you jack off to there at a young age? My first beat off was to the wonderful Playboy. A lot of Playboy stuff. A lot of Vanna White and Playboy.

Oh, Vanna White. Reallyboy. Oh, Vanna White. Really classy. She had a lace thing on. Great body. The first girl I ever beat off to was Vanessa Del Rio. My dad had a tape. Who's Vanessa Del Rio? And how did you jack off to a

tape? We played it on a VCR, you fucking idiot. The usual thing is listen to her moan and growl. Yeah played it on a VCR, you fucking idiot. It's a useful thing. It's listening to Ramone and Jerome. It was just an audio tape of her going, I love you, Michael. Oh, Lord, I just want you to take me, seven-year-old Michael.

Remember when porno came on cassettes and it was like volume 69? Again, my brother's mixtape. My first porno was Ebony in Black. We'll talk about it later. We had Merry Fucking Christmas was ours. Is there a red tape?

What was yours? It's a very liberal home. Merry Fucking Christmas. Well, I stole it from my friend's parents. Jackers, what did you got? I mean, you're talking about first jacking off. No, no. First time you ever beat off, Jackie.

Astronaut's wife, Johnny Depp and. First celebrity crush. What's the first time you ever beat off, Jackie? First celebrity crush. Astronaut's wife, Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron. What? When they're in the museum up against the wall, like when all the people are around. Did you like to learn about him? Johnny Depp, yeah. I think it was Johnny Depp, I guess. Like young Johnny Depp, like tight Johnny Depp, like greasy Johnny Depp. He's not really loose, no.

No, he's not that loose. No. All right, we have any more questions from the audience. Roundtable Q&A. You look like you got one, sir. Come on up to the microphone. Let's get one more in here. I know Ed Larson is going to be leaving soon from the roundtable.

Gentlemen, I just want to know how all of you are going to be dealing with emotionally this absence from the show. I bought a bunch of meat and I'm going to leave it on a chair every week. We're not going to take it out of the room. We're just going to let it sit there and putrefy. Yeah, yeah. It really smells like him after a month. Yeah, yeah. You put it in a big potato

sack and you put a piece of paper that says idiot on it and then you just put it on the potato sack and then it's fine. And we're literally, Ed's going to come back and we'll be like, oh hey man, I thought you were in the other room just then. This whole time. I went to a butcher and I spent $400

on random meat. That's what I asked the guy. Here's $400, give me a bag of random meat and every day they're just going to put out a little meat and that's going to be me. I'm just excited to have all the arm room. It'll be great. I'm a little worried about the voting

for next year's round table of the year. You should be fucking sweating right now. You know what? Since Eddie's leaving and all this stuff, I'm going to take my name out of the race for next year's award. That's so generous of you. Please don't nominate me at all.

I mean, it's the people. I know, I know. But please, people, don't. Save your vote. I'm just really excited that we'll all be able to fit in an elevator together again. Yeah, that's going to be a nice one. Any other questions? Anybody want to ask any questions? I think we're good. All right, we're good. Well, that's been the round a nice one. All right. Any other questions? Anybody want to ask any questions?

I think we're good. All right, we're good. Well, that's been the roundtable. That's it. Yeah. Good night, everybody. That is Jackie Zebrowski. That is Ed Larson.

Happy hair. Holden McNeely, I love you. I'm sorry for the loss of your wonderful frog. I loved him. Henry, you did love him. Henry Zebrowski, Michael Che, I've been kissing. Mr. Roundtable. Mr. Roundtable. All right. Okay, keep it going for Michael Che. I've been chiseled. Mr. Roundtable of the Year. Mr. Roundtable of the Year.

All right. Okay. Keep it going for Michael Che, everybody. Mr. Roundtable of the Year. What happened? All right. We'll talk to you later. Now I just have to figure out how to dispose of these four Tecate cans full of piss.

That's horrifying. Yeah, that was horrifying.