The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 124: Belisimo

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man with a low opinion of the elderly attacks an old man in a Burger King bathroom, a small MP's office in Britain has a urine problem, and a French man blames a Parkinson's medication for his gay sex and gambling binge, plus our old friend James Adomian takes his turn as a replacement Ed.

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The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

All right. I mean, not really. Well, just do it. All right. Yeah mean, not really. Well, just do it. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dear Lord, please watch over the Kissel McNeely Kephart household. What the fuck is that about? Yeah, dude.

It's fucking raw over there right now. I like that prayer, man. That was very good. Please watch over them in these trying times. For Holden, it started playing Skyrim again. Holden, give me a dragon noise. That's not a dragon noise. I've never heard of dragons.

It's a dragon born noise. It's a shout. Yeah, it's a dragon shout. Oh, a dragon noise. A luck dragon. There you go. Oh my God. Somebody just got a boner

and some woman just came. That's hot. And indeed, Lord, watch over all the gamers in the room. Thank you for watching over Kevin earlier this week. It happened, y'all. Who got one hell of a Halo game. What was your Halo score, Kev?

29 kills, 9 assists, 0 deaths. God was with me. Woo! Yes, he was. God likes you to murder fake things. And please, dear God, please bring me a copy of Borderlands 2 for Christmas. All right, okay.

That was just a prayer to your mother. All right, well, the great prayer. Welcome to the roundtable, everybody. Who's here? Jackie Zabrowski. Hello, Jackie. Are you sick? I'm sick.

What's wrong with you right now? Man, I've been fucking hallucinating fever town for the past two days. Any good hallucinations? Did you see Slenderman or anything like that? Man, I've been fucking hallucinating fever town for the past two days. Any good hallucinations? Did you see Slenderman or anything like that? No, I wish. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking someone was in the room, and I woke up, Doug, and I was like, there's someone in the room!

He's like, there's no one in the room. There's no one in the room. I was like, there is! I just burst into tears, started to cry. Jesus. It was great. He's been having a lot of fun. It's a weird flu virus. I never heard of them making just a person completely insane. You don't hallucinate when you have a fever? I never get sick.

I once had a fever dream where I had to help Richard Pryor save the multiverse. How'd you do? See, that's fun. Oh, badly. That's good. Well, he wouldn't stop yelling at me. Well, naturally. It's the only way he knows how to communicate.

In my dream last night, I went to go kiss a chick on a bridge, and she just moved away from it, and then went up to my ear and whispered, it's never gonna happen. And I fucking woke up, and I was like, come on, man. In my dream? Yeah, man. She had great old tits and everything. It's never gonna happen. It is not.

She whispered it, too. I was like, oh, and just rejected me real hard right there. That's the last thing I said, and then I woke up. She's like smiling. Well's like the last thing I said. And then like I woke up. She's like smiling. Well, that lonely man who never gets laid is Holden McNeely. Holden McNeely hits from the bong. And then, of course, to his left is another fellow that never gets laid. Kevin Barnett, I'm out of here.

Fuck in. What's your gamer tag in case anyone wants to hit you up? Arch Death Squad. Try and fuck with me. That is the full name of it. Arch Death Squad. Yeah. Ben Kissel.

And then sitting in for Ed Larson, the much more attractive James Adomian. Thanks for being here, James. Yeah, I know. It's me, Ed Larson. Eddie here. Eddie, how's LA going, Eddie? Ever! Boom!

Boom! That's like the smartest thing you've ever said. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, bud? Russell Rogers, a 32-year-old Californian, was arrested yesterday after he allegedly assaulted a 74-year-old man in a Burger King bathroom. Victim Bill Bayless told cops that Rogers, quote,

slammed him in the face with a bathroom stall door, knocking him to the ground. As Bayless attempted to get up, Rogers again struck him with the door noting, quote, this is what I do to old people. Before leaving the eatery's

bathroom, Rogers added, I knock you down because you're old. It's a legitimate reason to hit somebody in the face with a bathroom stall. Man, I wish. I don't like old people. I would just knock them over. I want to say before we pass judgment, was he being really slow? Exactly.

Yeah, he was. I was on the escalator. Or harassing you about the way things should be? Right, right, right. Back when Truman was president, we knew how to fight a war. But whatever, buddy. We're going into shit illegally now. Get with the times, old man.

It's fun. I was on the escalator an elderly woman was in front of me and she was on the left and you're supposed to walk on the left and nobody knew that this old chick was in front of me so i took all of her heat everyone was hey you big faggot hey you big fucking asshole walk and i'm like there's an old woman in front of me i can't not move and i had to take the brunt of all of this abuse because nobody understood that there's an old woman in front of me. What am I supposed to do? I want you to turn around to your captive audience and go, first off, I'm not a faggot.

And it wouldn't be probable if I was. I want to clarify, both of my older brothers are gay. Elderly woman. And this has nothing to do with my sexual orientation. But I would just like to clarify, there's an older Hispanic woman in front of me. What's her race got to do with it? I don't know, man. I thought I would provide you a possible different slur angle.

This PC world we're living in is making it really difficult for me to defend myself right now. I mean, you've been having some tough times lately. I don't think you can talk about it, but you've been doing jury duty lately. I can talk a little bit about it. Okay. Yeah, you know what? Turns out Hispanic men don't like women. That's what I learned. The rape thing was

just unbelievable. I know, I can't get too much into the actual case, but yeah, let's just say there are people out there in this world that believe if a woman is wearing a skirt that allows a, that is a validation when a man aggressively approaches her from behind and then attempts to put his penis inside of her pussy. So there are people out there that believe

a skirt is just an invitation for violent rape. And there's communists. What are we going to do about those guys? Rape them! Put them in skirts and rape them! That's what I always had to do. Yeah, definitely. That's how you beat the Ruskies. So what's happening with this guy that beat up this old

man? Well, here's a look at the guy. He doesn't really look. He's charming. Everybody loves this guy. He's doing us a favor. I was, you know, picturing some type of minority or something. He's white. You're a racial profiling.

What minority were you going with? I'm a racist dude, man. Yeah, yeah. Russian. He looks Asians. He thought he was an Asian? They like to fight. Martialize some shit, you know?

That's funny. Look at this guy. He looks impish. I like that he refers to Burger King as an eatery. So he was arrested and I guess he's going to have some hard jail time, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Felony assault and I did not know this was a crime one could commit in California. Elder abuse. Is it?

Yeah, I was going to say, is this a hate crime? Because he so specifically was like, I'm beating you up. I pushed you down because you were old. You were old, right?

It's definitely a hate crime. So that's a hate crime. Yeah. Does that fall into the legislation? Who knows here? Does anybody? Do we have a vote on the room who dislikes old people?

I'm on the fence. Jackie definitely dislikes them. I don't like them. I've never met an old... I've never had an old person in my life, though, that was nice. Right. So I think that has something to do with it. Here's my thing.

With few exceptions, I've had mostly negative experiences with older people. What's one of the worst experiences? I don't know. Just farting around, talking about Reagan or something. They love to talk about Reagan and tea. Yeah, and they always have their dumb bow ties on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, I don't think I need to, like,

accelerate their demise because it's coming soon enough. I just want to have them, like, cut off from, I don't think they should be allowed to vote. I wouldn't push them down, but just don't let old people vote. Okay, so the minimum age is 18. What's the maximum age for voting? 60. 60 is, so 18 to 60 are your peak years.

That's too young. I would say. 75. Yeah, 75. 75. I agree with that. Even 80. Okay.

Yeah, but it'll cut off. I'll compromise back to 80. 18 to 80. You can vote to be executed, though. That's the only thing you can vote for. Right. For quick, easy death. I've got an idea.

How's about if in order to get Social Security, you have to give up your right to vote? That's a great idea, Marcus. I like that. Forward thinking, man. I like what you're doing. Your idea should be good enough that you'll be able to convince younger people to vote how you would at that point. You are forced to become a teacher,

which is all that we have old people around for. Exactly. It's the only reason we let you keep living. Teach somebody something. I'll tell you what, too. Let's throw in an obstacle course also. You can get the Social Security and vote, but you have to get through a crazy obstacle course. Well, what's the obstacle course?

What do you think? I got my first question. It's just a simple grocery aisle. I was going to ask, how many alligators? Yeah, alligator pit. What? Did I even say that? No. I was going to say alligator. A pool of alligators. I knew alligator pit. What? Did I even say that? No.

I was going to say alligator. A pool of alligators. I knew you were thinking that. I know how you think. You had to go through. And there's little swinging things that are like that show Wipeout or whatever. Yeah, yeah. There's little swinging things.

You have to get through those. I'm going to go only two. You don't need that many alligators. You don't need too much. Because you've got to get cut on the leg before you go into the obstacle course. So that if you fall into the water, the blood, they'll just come right at you. Also, you have to switch out the alligators, because the alligators will get full really fast, because the old

people keep falling in. So you switch them out for hungry ones. And you know how easy it is for old people to tear their flesh and eat their bones. I mean, they're weak. So easy. They're like veal at that point. It comes full circle. See, I also worked at Joanne Fabrics for four years, so I feel like that has something to do with the fact that I hate old people

because I worked with only older women and they were all just the worst older women. What compelled you to do that? I was a craft teacher. You got to do... I taught crafts to kids. Was there a certain pattern that you found that elderly people

just fucking loved, like a leopard print or some bizarre prison pattern or something? Because they all seemed to... Have you ever seen the website Hipster or Elderly Woman? Yeah, Paisley. They all seem to love a very, very similar fashion.

Oh, yeah. Also, they had the patterns so that the old people could make their own long denim skirt. So that pattern was always out of stock. Interesting. I still have the same opinion about fabric stores that I did when I was three years old. Can we go anywhere else?

Oh, my God. When I had to go to, like, Michael's and stuff, does Michael's count as, oh, my God. I would beg and scream for my mother not to drag me into the place. Was Mommy a crafter? Yeah, she was a crafter. She has a sewing nook. She has a bit of a nook. Was there a specific dress that Mommy made for you, Holden, that you found to be extremely erotic?

Flame boy, yeah. I was like, I'm a flaming boy! I would scream it out and then everybody would point and laugh. Yeah, and you didn't know why? No, I didn't know why. They were just like, oh, faggot! And I was just like, I don't know. I don't think we

usually say the word, but it's a special episode, everybody. It's because James is here. Yeah. Everybody goes out of their way to show me they're extra cool when they're at a gay nightclub on Roundtable. I'm going to say the thing that hurts the person's feeling next to me so they know that I'm cool with hurting their feelings, but I also...

The word don't got no meaning. What you guys don't hear is that they're holding up signs that say ironic and high-fiving each other. Well, let's move over to Florida. Kevin, I think you're going to like this story. A Florida woman viciously attacked a man after their first date because he wouldn't call himself her boyfriend.

Yeah. Just say that you're her boyfriend. She looks like my Groundlings teacher. My first Groundlings teacher. Oh, she's hot. Who would date that? She's seductive. Psychotic. She has those crazy eyebrows. Yeah, the eyebrows, they fucking point down.

That's not evil, man. She's over-plucked them. Is that what down-sloping eyebrows suggest? Yeah, evilness. Yeah, the Joker. She looks like she has a nice layer and she weaves spider webs and things. I like this woman. Why wouldn't he date her? Thorn shots are never fair because she'saves spider webs and things. I like this woman. Why wouldn't he date her? Thug shots are never fair because she's clearly been yelling.

That's true. I thought that's a good mug shot. She looks pretty hot in that one. 35-year-old Jillian Lee Martoni. Oh, I didn't know she was 35. I thought she was 52. The sun really takes it out on the girl. She is of Delray Beach.

She allegedly punched her date in the face, threatening him with a kitchen knife, and smashed his apartment window with a pair of rocks. Whoa. Was this right after the bill came? No, this was a check. Well, Melina, the guy's name is, let's see here, Efren Melina.

He told police that he met Martone for the first time last week, and they arranged to go on a date. Melina picked her up Tuesday, and they went out for food and drinks together. After the meal, they returned to Molina's apartment in Boca Raton where they stayed for several hours. At some point, they got into an argument over whether they were in a relationship. Martone allegedly made... This guy's got to stop going to psychomatch.com. This is not a website that seems to be favoring him very much.

Martone allegedly made a comment about being Molina's girlfriend, and Molina objected, saying he didn't agree with that title. That title? He was anointed? She knighted him boyfriend? Thrice he did refuse the crown. Martone became enraged, police said. Molina told Martone to leave, and that's when she reportedly attacked him.

Molina shouted for help and his roommate responded by rushing to the living room. The roommate got there just in time to see Melina wrestling a kitchen knife out of Martone's hands. Wow. Martone. Crazy. Melina then forcibly removed Martone from the second floor apartment, dragging her down the

stairs and out the door and called police. It's like the beginning of the Flintstones when they kick the dog out? Nah. Dino. Dino, yeah. We're not really like sought after men in this room. And there's, well, there's Jackie here.

I forgot that you were a woman, to be totally honest. Thank you. But is there, has any guy here experienced that sort of like woman who just so wants to be bad, with you so badly that she goes absolutely insane and then it threatens death upon you? Yes. Yeah. What is this experience like? It seems so wants to be with you so badly that she goes absolutely insane and then it threatens death upon you? Yes. What is this experience like?

It seems so weird to me. I mean, mine was a little more like I had to spend, like, 20 minutes on the phone with this chick after we went on, like, three dates for the breakup. I should have just hung up, but still. It was madness. I'm so glad I didn't break up with her. Breakup, quote, unquote.

Like, we literally dated, like, three times. And were they good dates? Did you find this find this connection was like growing so huge and so quickly bored and right sort of yeah it wasn't there was no chemistry and then i was like i'm not into it and it was just clearly she felt the opposite way and was just like crying like i had just been through a big breakup too so i'm like you're fucking nuts like that is crazy you know what did you do to win her over so much? Because I feel like I want to know. I can show her my dick. No, you did not do that.

I showed her my big dick. She would have left if you showed her your dick. I made it talk. I made it bark. That's a crazy pacifier. That's the thing. I was just like, baby gets good. Oh, that's so gross.

I'm not too, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So what'd you say to her? What were the final words on the breakup phone call? I was just like, I know we played flick the balls, but we gotta end this. I'm done with this, you know?

It was like, you've been great, you've been fun, but I don't see the love, I don't feel the love tonight, you know? So it's like, let's get this done, sugar honeytum, which is what I called her. You just started quoting Lion King. As soon as you start quoting Lion King in a breakup, you're like, I do not care about this.

That was an unreleased B-side Elton John song where he was like, it's probably not going to work out. I mean, that's a pretty good story you just made up. The way I imagine your life goes is that every girl leaves you. Most of them have. This is why I felt really weird to be on that end of the conversation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like a weird end.

Because I'm always like, please make it work. Can we? Why? You know? And she's literally like breaking up with me while sucking like the new guy's dick. You know? She's like, oh, I'm sorry. It's not going to work.

Oh. That's the thing. It's tough for a woman to constantly be rejecting cock. I mean, you're always propositioned with it, right, Jackie? Yeah. What are your like like, let... I know you've had to send some boys away. Yeah, I had one that was especially crazy.

It was two... Was it OKCupid, or...? No. One of the few that was not OKCupid. Oh, I know who you're talking about, yeah. And it was two weeks in. Deutschman.com. He wanted to see me every day.

Deutschman.com. Seems like a bad website to find a good banner. He immediately said, I love you. And I was like, this isn't going to work. We were in public. And I was like, I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. Burst into tears.

And he started to scream in the bar. And he ripped open his shirt and pointed at the tattoo. And he's like, you'll never forget this. You'll never forget this. I don't remember. this. You'll never forget that. I don't remember. He got it when we first

slept together. Next day he got a tattoo. Just a picture of your pussy or something? No, it was some quote. It was something like I don't remember. Probably. But I remember that it was a quote in script and I thought that was pussy when he got it. Anyway. So I just sat there and waited for him in script and I thought that was pussy when he got it. So I just sat there

and waited for him to finish and I just left while he cried. Yeah, that's exactly what you have to do. I love you. I think this isn't going to work out. Well, I guess we're on different pages. Isn't that something? I love you after two weeks? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, mine was after three.

But I like to stifle that as long as you can. I go right to the I love you. I always love to say the I love you. Yeah, it's big. It's important. I love my dogs. Ben's a big bear with big bear hugs.

He just loves to love. I love to love. He loves to love. Joke occasionally. You know, they act up and stuff. I think it's his big move so he can sniff her butt. You know, he says I love you and he just goes right for the butt. I'm nice. Really

nice. I'm a nice guy. I mean, no, this is so sad how accurate all of this is. And then his red rocket shoots out of the zipper. Right. That's not bringing up dog dicks, please. He's a dog. Oh, man, I saw a German shepherd outside of the grocery store today sitting there, legs spread, panting

heavily, just the hugest fucking red rocket I've ever seen. It was like, do something about this. Get another dog in here. Make it go away. Ducks and dogs definitely have the worst dicks. Ducks, really? Oh, ducks are corkscrew cocks.

I'll pull one up for you. It's a great children's story, a nursery rhyme that you just came up with. Dogs and ducks definitely have the worst dicks. I don't know why they fired me for being a kindergarten teacher. I was a wonderful teacher. The kids loved me. I was writing Beatrix Potter style books for adult audiences.

Right, right, right. Marcus is just showing us a picture of a duck's dick right now. Does it disembodied duck's dick? Yeah, definitely off of the duck. It looks like it would be good to open up wine bottles. He didn't have anything but ducks in the room. All of a sudden, it's just like...

If you're in the middle of the wilderness, you have a bunch of wine bottles, but no corkscrew, find some ducks. Holy shit, look at this one. Are they made to work underwater? It's like six inches long. All right. Are they made to work underwater more than anything?

I think that's what it is. It really goes out there. Does it spin, though? It does spin. Oh think that's what it is. It really goes out there. Does it spin, though? It does spin. Oh, that's amazing. Because at the sex museum over there on 43rd Street or whatever, there's some street in Manhattan that the sex museum is on. That's right.

There's a room in that museum. I do have a full room, and it's just me staring at women and being like, I love you. I love you. I love you. And they're like, no. And they hate it. Nobody likes me because I have no money. I'm not successful.

Seeing a dick like that makes me think they should put some pants on Darkwing Duck. Wow. Let's get to it. Good Darkwing Duck reference. I forgot about Darkwing Duck. Apparently it doesn't hold up though.

Apparently it doesn't hold up. It doesn't. No, because we're adults now and we're not supposed to be watching it. for children. Right, right. Well, but apparently

Batman the Animated Series holds up. That's different. Batman is amazing. That's different. It is. Oh, right. Well, but apparently Batman the Animated Series holds up. That's different. Batman is amazing. That's different. It is. Oh, that's an amazing series. Yeah, of course it's different.

It's fucking awesome. They had motherfucking Danny Elfman on the track. How are you going to have Danny Elfman making music for a cartoon? It's ludicrous. Marcus, what was

your girlfriend's story? Was she a real psycho three weeks, says I love you, and then you broke it off? It ended with a knife. She brought it out on you. And then did she take some stabs at you?

No, used it on herself. She cut herself. Yeah. And where did she cut herself? Legs. And was she bleeding? Did she cut enough to bleed? No, no, no.

It wasn't that sharp of a knife. Butter knife. Luckily. Is this the same girl you ended up having to sleep in the bed with her overnight? While she was yelling I hate you over and over again? She eventually left. Okay, good. Why would you even let that happen though? Why did you just sleep on the couch or something? Sleep with the chick.

She's already cut yourself, you know. You might as well just give her whatever she wants. What does that even mean? Like she rolled up her pant leg or was she just naked? She was already naked, yeah. You broke up with a naked woman. That is rude to do, Marcus. Well, I broke up with her and then she got naked What?

How does that go down? And then she I mean, this was like college Fuck forever ago But she tried taking off my pants And this is after This is after she had yelled I hate you over and over again

Like screaming at me and punching me. So you were beginning to feel a connection. So she's trying to take off my pants. I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, come on, you know. I was like, no, no, no, I don't want to. She's like, why not? I was like, well, one.

You little baby. Hey, hey. She's like, why not? I was like, well, you know, for one, you just spent about 20 minutes yelling, I hate you over and over again. And she looks me dead in the eyes and says, I do hate you, Marcus Parks. I'll hate you until the day I die. Which is right now. That's awesome, man.

I would have fucked her. Yeah. You should have fucked the bejesus out of her. That's not super. Let her bite your dick. Come on, let her bite your dick off. That's a thing. She would have bit his dick off.

And she was like super fucking stinky hot. Like, so, so hot. Good her bite your dick off. That's a thing. She would have bit his dick off. And she was, like, super fucking stinky hot. Like, so, so hot. Good pussy on her? Yeah. I mean, the sex was amazing. The sex was great. Like a pink, hot asshole. What was the issue other than the obvious psychosis and overall homicidal behavior?

I don't want to go into it. All right. That's a good story. Yeah. All right. We can move on, then. Yeah, we can move on. Does anybody else have any, James, any crazy guy stories or chick stories or whatever? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Lots of them. All right. Let's move on then Does anybody else have any James? Any crazy guy stories or chick stories or whatever?

Oh yeah yeah yeah lots of them Alright let's move on What do you got? Well You know There was a lot of It's mostly just crying and whimpering Right right right

Can I sleep in the bed with you one last time? That kind of thing It just makes me feel bad The answer is Right, right, right. And can I sleep in the bed with you one last time? That kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It just makes me feel bad. No, I know. Here, the answer is not everybody can sleep in the bed with me. You were lucky that we got to do that. Right.

It's a standardization. I feel like an asshole because I've been on the other side of it, too. Yeah, definitely. I've definitely been like, can I just come over one more time? And then I just came over and just, and just cried at her for fucking two hours. I had a guy come up to my second-story apartment and sleep out on the balcony. Yeah!

Wow. Climbed up to the balcony? Couldn't get in. A real Romeo. Just hiking up the balcony. What was your reaction when you saw the man? I took him in, I gave him coffee, and I said, let's talk later. And did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. And you guys had sex later on. Several times. Good, good. Well, he loves you. Yeah, I cried in front of my girlfriend Stephanie in college, and I said, I used to be so fat, and then I just wanted to go to the bar, and I'll never forget it.

And I was very traumatized. And you can't fuck a woman after you cry in front of her. No, no. It's over. I do believe that women want you to cry when they're like 19. And then as soon as they actually see a man cry, they never request it again. Yeah. Women don't like to watch it.

No. I think it's specifically if you cry over them. Yeah. If you're just crying and it's like, I just realized my grandfather raped me. And you're crying about that. That's not good. If your grandfather just crying. It's like, I just realized my grandfather raped me. And you're crying about that. That's not good. If your grandfather just died, you're allowed to shed one tear for a father's death. Because that's a masculine show of emotion.

A big black tear. But it has to be very controlled. In Texas, that's one of the only things you're allowed to cry about. When your father dies? You're allowed to cry about a relative dying and football. And when Obama got re-elected. Yeah, that too. Are those rules written somewhere?

Nothing makes me happier than to... It's written in peace on this rock. We gotta keep on writing it. I can't believe... It's written on the steps of the Austin State Capitol. How intensely people torture themselves. The way it's done is the way it's done.

Why is it done that way? Because it's done. Why is it done that way? Because it's done. All right. I built up a mythology around it. That's why. Nothing makes me happier than a look up on YouTube, dudes crying about football. It is the funniest shit in the fucking world. Oh, I talked to Kep, our roommate, Jason Kep, our holder, to myself today.

And it was like before the game, the Dolphins game, he was very excited. Mid-game, he's like, it's a game. And then I called him, and you can just, the Dolphins game, he was very excited. Mid-game, he's like, it's a game. And then I called him and you can just tell the Dolphins lost immediately. I watched him walk into the apartment, straight into his room, turn the lights out. He's just been in there. We don't even have to watch football. We just look at Kev's face and we're like, no, we don't know exactly what happened. That's the right reaction when you play football.

Right, exactly. As soon as they lose, they're like, oh, thank God that game was over because I'm a multi-millionaire. I'm going to go fuck a lot of chicks right now. Oh, no, no. The crying over football is only allowed if you are in the game. Yeah, if you're a high school player.

Yeah, if you're a high school player and you lose your last game. My last game when we lost, I was sulked for a week. You don't understand. You don't understand. You don't understand. I was the same way. We were a team.

You were a football player in high school, James? Yeah. What was your position? Center. That's the toughest position. Yes, I've gone over this. All right, forget about it. Marcus, what's another news story?

Actually, let's see here. We're going to go to some local British politics on this one. Local British politics. Kind of not a possibility. And I'm going to need your help on this one. Local British politics. Kind of not a possibility. And I'm going to need your help on this one. Pip pip. A sporting assignment, I'd say. Labor MP Ben Bradshaw has complained to the Commons authorities that

urine seems to be pouring into his office. The offending liquid is trailing down a corner of the area in which one of the former culture secretary staff works The leak is coming from a toilet upstairs Although officials insist there has been no damage But a spokesman for Mr. Bradshaw told the BBC The whole office smells of urine His staff have put a bucket in place until the problem ends

Mr. Bradshaw, the MP for Exeter, tweeted Urine seems to be pouring to the ceiling into my commons office For the second day running Mr. Bradshaw, the MP for Exeter, tweeted, Are you working the whole day even though this is happening? Like, are you just going to work? It's just so tough to do all this paperwork. It's just urine dripping out of it all. An aide told the BBC the house authorities had at first claimed it was water that's just a bit stagnant

but the whole office smells of urine, basically. He added it's dripping from a corner. We've got a bucket underneath. Yes, yes. It started yesterday and they fixed it

but it started again today and the house authorities are aware. And they are getting it sorted. Clear. Uh, yep, that's it. So that's the whole story. So this guy's just going to work and pee-pee keeps on dripping from his ceiling. I mean, that must be a distractor.

It's difficult to get your paperwork done when you're surrounded, when you're living in a urinal. Mm-hmm. Was he from the Labor Party? The Conservatives? The Lib Dems? Yeah, he was a urinal. Was he from the Labor Party? The Conservatives? The Lib Dems? Yeah, he was a Labor guy. He's a Labor Party guy. I guarantee you the Conservatives are drinking a lot more water as soon as they found out

that all their pee-pee is going into this guy's office. If you ever watch Prime Minister Questions, sometimes the Prime Minister has to answer questions that are about that money. Where it's like, that is a leak, Mr. Prime Minister. What do you have to say about it? I would love to watch that

exchange occur. And it is not the first time that unsavory waste has disrupted proceedings in the Palace of Westminster. During the Great Stink of 1858, the pong caused... It was literally called

the Great Stink? Yes, it was called the... The Great Stink of 1858. The pong caused by waste emanating from London's drains into the Thames was so bad that the authorities considered moving proceedings to Oxford or St. Albans. I move that we adjourn. Smells like a pussy. I think it's funny that they're like, no, no, no, it's stagnant water.

That's not piss. It's like, you don't know what piss smells like by now. It's dripping. Stagnant water is sitting. This is definitely dripping from the ceiling. Well, that's good. Man, we had New Year's Eve. I want to say it was like four years ago.

We had New Year's Eve four years ago. Our entire ceiling Crashed through With toilet water This is the apartment In Brooklyn That I live in now Like New Year's Day

Yes Right Yes And we I came to find out Later on By the drunken dude That was living above us

He was just like wasted He was just like Yeah you know How that happened A fucking tampon Got clogged in the toilet So it was all like tampon water that literally covered our kitchen.

Do you think that the tampon is the most disgusting part of that water? Not the shit or the urine? It was the bloody... Well, because it was just straight up toilet water, but it all went through a tampon. It wasn't like...

But it kind of filtered it. Yeah, I guess it filtered it. I mean, that's a tampon's job. Jab, naturally. The leak would have been a lot worse, pal. That's right. The tampon might have saved our entire apartment. That's true.

I did that to the guy who lives in the basement below me. Clogged up a toilet with a bunch of shit. Ended up trickling shit water all over the nice Jamaican man who lives in the basement. That's not nice, Marcus. Why you hurt my culture like that? What was his reaction when you confessed to the shit crime? I was not there when all of this happened. This was recent, actually.

Yeah, this was a few weeks ago. How big was this dump of yours? It was gigantic. Did it break the water line? Did it go halfway down? Yeah, it went halfway down, and then the toilet kept running, and then it overflowed because I took a shit right before I left the house, and I got a very angry call from a Hasidic man. Yeah, absolutely.

You clogged it all up there with your shit. I've been the victim of that kind of crime. How did you feel when you were the victim of that crime, James? I went to my landlord. I said, please, the court, it seems that there's a bit of a leak.

Your lordship. There's What's in the water? Your lordship. There's turds in your apartment? Is that what you're saying? Just floating around. American landlords. Stepping around. That's weird.

God, I love this country. I can do whatever the fuck I want. Anyway, wear the turds for shoes. That's what I recommend. Is there any protocol for the removal of waste products from one stoma style? Stomp on it. Stomp on the turds. This becomes the floor.

Not a problem. All right, Marcus, do you have any other news stories? Next story. A Belgian husband has spoken of his horror after learning his wife of 19 years used to be a man. What? Yeah. The duped 64-year-old, named only as Jan, said he had no clue his bride had been born a boy. The shocking revelation only emerged after almost two decades of marriage when a cousin from his wife's native Indonesia finally exposed the truth. Jan told how he met Monica in 1993 when she arrived in his hometown of Antwip

as an au pair to his sister's children. He described her as... What's an au pair? Nanny. He described her as, quote, very beautiful and feminine, but said he now understood why she was, quote, no good at ironing.

What? So he broke up with her over this? That's what tipped it off. Get those wrinkles out of those fucking shirts. He left her because she was born a man? Well, they still share a home, but they barely speak. So you can get a full-on pussy hole to the point where the guy would never realize? Oh, absolutely.

We can get you one this week. Seriously? Yeah. Do you want one? I'll fuck you, dude. Right in it. you one right we can get you one this week seriously yeah yeah do you want one i'll fuck you dude right no it's they uh they turn the uh dick inside out and your dick becomes your pussy that's right and that's why you also have sensitivity because the cock of your head

is now the back of your pussy interesting but why did he break up with her over this i mean who cares he obviously loves her 20 years i mean she is a woman she looks like a woman smells i mean kevin what do you think? I don't know, man. He was duped, man. He was bamboozled. He was high-low. Every woman is full of lies.

They're all full of lies. I mean, the fact that she used to have a dick is probably the least of the lies that she told this poor man. I feel like that's a real, that's a pretty, that's a big level of deceit. That's something you got to tell. After 20 years, though? Yeah, but how do you tell somebody? What, on a third date?

Fourth date? Yeah, but she loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. You can't trap the man. Yeah, you tell somebody? What, on a third date? Fourth date? She loves him. She doesn't want to lose him. You can't trap the man. Yeah, you tell him on the third or the fourth date. That's exactly what you tell him. Then you end up in those stories we were talking about. I love you.

You know what? This isn't going to work out. That's what's going to happen. I'm proud that that worked out so long. Yeah, 20 years. That was a 20-year relationship. 20 years. I mean, who gives a shit at that point?

I feel like you just have to yell, like, no contest after that point. You're just like, oh, you got me. This guy just has to realize that he's gay. You know? We just need to tell him. Yeah. It's a different thing. It's not true.

It's a different thing when you fall for trans people. Right. It's a weird, it's a different thing. Have you ever gone with a tranny? Has anybody here ever gone with a tranny? I know there's... They've been approached, Pat. Lots of trannies.

Yeah, they definitely approach you. Kevin, you fucked a dude one time, right? Is that right? Is that wrong? No, I can't fucking get out of here.

Oh, is that wrong? Oh, I'm sorry. They're aggressive. Like, anytime I'm down, like, in the West Village On your money, you go to the West Village and you put on a dress.

It's terrifying. I don't even trust any black girl I meet in the West Village because nine times out of ten, it's a dude. And they're fucking aggressive. No, that's the thing, man. Really?

I don't know what it is about black dudes, but they can turn into women so well. Never know the difference. Oh, yeah. And they won't leave me alone, dude. It's like I'll be on the other side of the train. They're on the other side of the platform, and it's been to where they're like, hey, hey.

And they're waving at me. I'm like, I'm not even looking at them. And they keep doing it. I walk to the other side. They're and it's been to where they're like hey hey and they're waving at me i'm like i'm not even looking at them when they keep doing i walk to the other side they come hey that's happened to me before do you feel disgusted do you feel uh do you feel honored do you feel like a lady it is whatever man it is whatever yeah no one ever see what i found you could at least whistle back yeah you could be a little bit nicer see i found out of the races uh black people and asian people make the best trannies. There's this fine-ass Asian tranny I've seen all the time. Lower east side, she's riding around there. Gorgeous.

You would never even know if she didn't roll with a crew of giant-ass nigga trannies. She has that whole crew. And then you hear her voice. I remember I saw it because it was like a year where i would just pass by her like every weekend it's one of those things where it's like anytime you see a girl it's just like dressed like like the way you would dream of like a girl you want to fuck is just because she has the mind of a man yeah yeah and so i would see her like all the time and fucking she just would be with this pack of niggas and then like uh i heard there was this dude like hollering hollering at her and it was like one of her friends like, that's a man.

That's a man. You know that's a man. And the guy was just like, he was like, didn't believe the other girl. Would you fuck this chick? No, dude. It's a dude. I don't understand though. I bet.

You did give her the feminine. She. And I bet that. Sometimes you pull it off so well that you deserve to get fucked. Right. Yeah. I bet, like you said, she'd probably know how to please a man better than any woman ever would. She's going to try. I think that's

pretty great. Anyone here ever jerked off to tranny porn? No, I don't like to do it. I'm the only one, huh? We're going to end that conversation before it even starts. The thing I wonder about though, too, is how much is that, if you look up how much that operation is, how so many of them have this

that probably isn't covered by insurance. Most of them still have the dick and the balls. It's very difficult to actually go through with it. I can't remember what it was, but there's a prisoner somewhere here in America that was able to get the taxpayers to pay for his to her sex change surgery. Then did she get transferred into the female prison? Yes. If I got sent to male prison, I would immediately be like, you know what?

These tits, I need a pussy to go with it. Because I need to get the fuck out of rape town. You're suggesting like a Jack Lemmon prison strategy. Yeah, sort of like a prison Joanna man. Get where the games are. Interesting. Well, this is from costhelper.com Why?

Because you want to get the best deal if you're going to do your sex reassignment. You know what? You don't want the best deal. You want the best pussy. I mean, come on here. The typical cost includes expenses incurred during the year before surgery. Actually, we can't get you a pussy next week, Holden. I'm sorry. You have to do it

for a year. It takes a year. You have to do it for a year. It takes a year. Estrogen treatments, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have to put a log up there and keep stretching it back. No, I think you're a bad doctor. Doesn't that work? Because all a doctor does is punch the tip of your

dick until it goes into itself. It's kind of like two long unedited porn videos. What if you, Holden it me nearly family practitioner would just be an amazing TV series There's a dude with a tiny dick make a tranny with a tiny pussy. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, we're all equal Just you know, they slice it in half and do it. Wow You're the worst of the men and then you become the best of the women.

That's great. No, because your dick can't fit in. Oh, yeah. You're going to be just like... Ding, ding, ding. Monk, monk, monk. You never know that. I feel like there's a wide range of acceptable sizes in penises. Sure.

I don't know if it's the same way with pussies or not. Yeah. I've never had a pussy so... Yeah, no, because it stretches and stuff. So you could get anything up there. It doesn't matter if it's like the tiniest woman. A foot or a toe or just a TV dinner if you don't have a microwave. Exactly.

Anything that's 98 degrees will melt cheese. What's the weirdest thing you put inside of a pussy, Ben? Well, my dick, number one. It's extremely odd. No, I finger fucked a chick with a chair. So I guess you wouldn't say finger fucked. Like the leg of a chair? No, I'm just kidding.

I never actually did. I want to bang a chick with a crucifix, though. I always thought that would be kind of fun. That'd be fun. Especially if you had a music video of some kind that you could work it into. You know what? You can probably find a crucifix dildo at adamandeve.com. Absolutely.

Where if you enter CCR in at checkout, you can get 50% off one item. And you can also get some free porn videos if you spend over a certain amount of money. That's a very bad thing that you just said. CCR at checkout. And make sure when you go there, spend a certain amount of money. Jackie, have you been with a micro... Has anybody here ever seen a micro penis? There was one guy that I went to high school with when we would take a shower.

His dick didn't... You just couldn't see it. And his pubic hair was too long. It was just... Even harder, this was flaccid. It was flaccid. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know if it could get harder.

It was half the size of a pinky finger. I mean, what a terrible... Hey, pal. I'm not a shower. I'm not much of a croaker either. Certainly not a shower. I'm like a CIA agent of dicks like you never know what I'm around.

I feel like we talked to you about this before. You definitely had a small penis experience. No, not that small. Not like pinky size small. I have watched, I did have a friend

that had a dick so small that he would put it in the top of a water bottle at parties because he thought it would be funny. And did he get laid after he did this

pre-walk? Of course he didn't. He couldn't get hard, he couldn't stay hard long enough to really get laid. Whoa. Oh, shit. You kind of got to own that. If you have it, you got to own it. The micro penis, yeah, you got to own that one.

Also, I bet it's really easy to suck them off, too, because it's like a swizzle stick. It's like you're sucking on a straw. I feel like there's some pedophilic... It's really easy to get fucked by him. Yeah, like you're sucking on a straw. You don't want to feel like there's some pedophilic Jerry Sandusky. It's really easy to get fucked by him. But you wouldn't even feel small dicks. We timed that so that after you were

saying Jerry Sandusky, I'm going like, yeah, but it's great. Let me tell you the wonder of a small penis. I was talking about adults. It seemed like it would be kind of like a knuckle, you know? I've been with some comically small guys. What's the smallest dick you've ever seen?

I mean, it's just like that big, hard. Okay, so he's really small. Let the record show he has shown about two inches between his pointer and his thumb. And quite round or very thin? Just thin. Like a strong stick. What do you do? Just laugh and be like, all right, fuck it.

Yeah, but you laugh, but you quickly play it off like it's lovers laughing. Like, right, right, right. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I'm like, we're so much fun. So did you go all the way with it, or was it a turn off? For James, like, I mean, he still has a version of a pussy to fuck, you know? I mean, that's the thing. What's James' version of a pussy?

An asshole. I mean, you know, I'm saying like at least I'm saying at least you can enjoy the man's asshole oh yeah sure you got that there's always plan B I actually want to see a sketch of a gay man going to get plan B just not understanding how babies work and he just came inside of me

I'm not on the pill it's gonna be okay, sir. Oh, that would be... That's great. Well, let's write it. Show up to the... Yeah, do it like real style. Do it like in reality.

Just like try to get an abortion in your ass. Yeah, yeah. I'm just so scared. I just don't know. I've seen all the videos. An anal abortion it sounds very fun that at least sounds like a punk rock album

yeah anal abortion sounds like a great band name alright Marcus any other news stories or we can talk about James' small micro dick experience I've had huge ones too alright so we got a two inch of the tiny how big is the biggest too big

like ten ten and thick We got a two inch of the tiny. How big is the biggest? Too big. Like ten. Too big to do what with? Ten and thick. God. And how thick are we talking here? I mean, like, like, not. Let the record show you. Not quite this big.

Can of Tecate. Not quite as big as a can of Tecate. Like that. Yeah, if I crumple it up a little bit. That's great. And did you take that one? No, no, no. You give.

That's where suddenly you're just plain kissy. Yeah's great. And did you take that one? No, no, no. That's where suddenly you're just plain kissy. So you actually, so you fucked the micro and didn't take the bigger, so theoretically it's

better to have a micro than a huge dick. I prefer average size. Well, of course, yeah. Most people do.

Yeah, well, so if you're a small guy out there with a small dick, you know, feel comforted that the guys with the big

dicks that you aspire to be don't get pussy whatsoever because women and men are like, you're terrifying. I know a couple of dudes with huge dicks that it's a big problem for them. They can't fuck girls because the girls, it just hurts too much. Jack, have you ever had a too big of a dick?

Yeah, we've talked about this before. Oh yeah, that's right. I mean, it's obviously never been something I've experienced, but other girls, tinier been something I've experienced, but other girls, tinier women, I've heard my roommate having sex with a tiny girl.

With a dude? It was a dude that he had a huge cock, and he was this beautiful Adonis man. He would choose these tiny fucking girls, and he would try and fuck them. She's like, ow! Because they were too tiny. He was too big too big i'm like you need to find a bigger woman yeah someone that's had more play stretch it out a little bit or yeah get poppers that usually works

poppers yeah poppers that'll open you up real quick a popper but a popper like what is it loosen your butt amyl nitrate yeah it kind of loosens your butt. Is that what they're doing with that? It chills out all in general. I always wondered what was the deal with the gay dudes and the poppers. Popper is a gel. There's a good possibility of some poo-poo hitting the wall there. You're supposed to take care of that beforehand. Yeah, that's the thing.

There's a guy you cheat out first. You do the enema. That's a little-known talked-about thing, is the enema with the anal sex. Okay. You gotta get your ass fucking spick and span, and then you can do whatever. Damn. Mr. Clean.

That's right. Before Mr. Dirty takes over. Yeah, you gotta keep it clean. Well, you know what? I actually have a story that goes with that. Oh, great. Good, good. A Parkinson's sufferer is when a six-figure payout against a drug giant after his

medication. Not yet. After his medication turned him into a gay, sex, and gambling addict. I've heard about the gambling thing, but I've not heard about the gay, sex thing with some of this medication stuff. It literally turns you into a crazy gambling addict. There's some medication out there.

A particular med? Yeah. It's bizarre. A Parkinson's side effect. How is it turned into a gambling addict? It was a radio, I think it was on This American Life. There is certain medications out there where a side effect makes you crazy with the slot machines.

I'm dead serious. It makes you just like, can't step away from the slot machines. You're like pissing yourself and shit. I mean, those people are so sad, too. Well, Didier Jambard has been a well respected man, an upstanding member of the community in Nantes, Western

France, and a loving father and husband. I love the way they described that. He was a well respected man, an upstanding member of the community. He wasn't a faggot or anything. He's the gambling addiction to be carried. He's the fridge. Well, I am reading this from the Daily Mail, which is a News Corp holding. Right.

Yeah, yeah. He was a fine, respected man. But it turns out he liked to fuck other fine, respected men. But within two years of taking the drug Requip, he was so addicted to both his vices, he sold his children's toys to raise money and advertised himself on the internet for sex. How much money did he raise to raise children's toys? He's like an Xbox or something. I don't know, it's France.

It turned him into a Grinch. I don't know how to do this in France. A gay Grinch returns. Can you please show this photo? Use toys! Here he is. Is that his wife? He's getting a kiss on the cheek.

What's the caption to that picture? He's crying. He's weeping. Man realizes his love for cock. With his wife Christine beside him, Mr. Jean-Blau, 52, cries as judges uphold his claim that his life had become hell after he started taking a drug to help his Parkinson's. So does he still have Parkinson's then?

I mean, I guess now he's not taking the drugs so now I guess he's all shaky and shit. I would assume so. Yeah, but that's just so he could jerk off

guys better. They're like, there's another drug that's slightly more expensive that merely makes you horny for the same people you have been attracted to. Everything's fine.

Is there a chance that he just used this as an excuse? That's what I was thinking, man. How do you just become gay? I've heard of the gambling thing. I have not heard of the gay thing. I mean, with a drug? I just feel like it's so ingrained in human nature. You break your brain down, and so a thing that you've been thinking for a long time suddenly goes away.

And it unlocks all these ancient Zelda rooms. Zelda's the woman, by the way. He told the court that he had emptied his bank account, sold his children's toys, and stolen money from work colleagues, friends, and neighbors. In total, he gambled away a total of

82,000 euros, mostly placing internet bets on horse races, and engaged in a, quote, frantic search for gay sex. I hope that this all took place in, like... Where are the butts? Where are the butts? Oh, man! Where are the butts?

I hope that this took place in, like, a James Bond, Monte Carlo type casino, like, where they have the clicky clicky kind of franks where it's like, I'll put 50,000 euros on your ass. Oh man, this poor guy. I'm telling you,

I'm not buying the gay sex thing. I think that guy was just gay. But the gambling is the side effect of the drug. But he didn't gamble before. I guess it plays to the same sort of neuroses in the mind, right? He just wants to go out and have a good time. I can't believe his wife is still sticking by him. You think she's just sticking by him to, like, wait for the lawsuit to go through?

He might hit it big. Yeah. Yeah. How much? Actually, he's not getting, I mean, he's getting a lot for, you know, for people like us. But as far as sticking around, it's 160,000 pounds. But he only gambled 82. I mean, this is a winning bet.

Yeah, it's like 300, it's like $300,000. That's great. Well, he's going to die soon, right? If he's not on the medication. He's gay? He literally just became gay. He's got AIDS immediately. He just had the two greatest years of his life where he got to fuck everybody that he wanted to fuck and he got to gamble and then he just

got paid 120 grand to do it. Yeah, because somebody probably found out about it. It wasn't me! Not my dick. My dick has been coerced by a pill. Every picture of him, he's crying. He's very sad. He's very sad.

Oh, I did it! I'll post all these pictures on the Roundtable Facebook page. Yeah, he's so upset. This guy's a fucking actor, man. You think so, Kevin? You're not buying this story? He's that guy who's crying every single picture. He's the next Michael J. Fox.

He just got fucking 120 grand or whatever it is. 300 grand. 300 grand, yeah. Are you allowed to raise your hands up in a V and scream victory and be like, fooled you fucking assholes, I love dick. In private. In private. As the credits roll.

In the mirror. When the judge hits the gavel and gives you the $300,000, could you just do that? I mean, because I think the law is done. Throw your own confetti out in the air and you start sucking multiple cots. So Ben, you're on the grand jury.

You get this case your way. What do you do? Do you send it to trial or not? Well, it's not really what the grand jury would be deciding because this is a civil case. I would take it all and put it on black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. In this situation, I'd be like, let's go to trial, get this guy some sweet money, and I'm going to let him know that I gave him all of that cash. He's going to take me out for dinner.

We're going to go gambling. I'll fuck him. I don't give a shit what kind of pills I have to take to rationalize it. And the next thing you know I'm him you know he gave me a pill and I just fucking

blew this guy I just need like $200,000 otherwise it's like fuck this company you know I just want to see that commercial

it's like side effects include heart problems like more pockets raging need for ass gay fuck he also started

cross dressing did you experience homosexual thoughts talk to your doctor immediately. And suck his dick. And suck his dick. So he started cross-dressing as well. I mean, this guy. And attempted suicide three times. Well, that's just it.

This guy's gay. This guy's very gay. He should just be gay. Anyway. The gambling I buy, like I said. France is cool with that, right? They have right-wing French people. Yeah. Oh, there's quite a bit of them, yeah. I mean, the left wing. They all play rugby. No, like I said. France is cool with that, right? They have right-wing French people. Yeah.

Oh, there's quite a bit of them, yeah. I mean, the left wing. Yeah, but they're also rugby. No, no, no. They're all focused on Muslims, though. They don't like them. They don't beat you down for being gay over there. They just stick their nose up at you, which is like nice.

Yeah, they just make a little noise and they go back to their croissants. We have a really good grasp on French culture. That's what I figured out. I've been there once, man. They're all kind of rude. They're fine. They all smoke and they love cheese. They all smoke.

They do love cheese. They love being at cafes. They're all a little bit rude. But I went to this fondue place where we drank wine out of baby bottles. So I was down with it. I did too. Yeah, you did? Yeah, we did the same place.

It's just weird. When did you go to France? When I was 19. The exact same stereotype as Wisconsin. But yeah, we think of Wisconsin as classless, and the French as such upstanding citizens, but I think that's bullshit. Because they also speak French.

Oh, that's right. They're lovers and they're pleasant. You guys got, like, what, Fond du Lac or something? That's as close as you come? Fond du Lac is a great town. Everyone out there in Fond du Lac, shout out, go pack. Also, you could get great wine for $1. And they're all thin there, too.

I think it has something to do with how fat Wisconsin is. Which it shouldn't be, but I think that just because French are thin, I think it's because they're so angry. Anger does lose about 20 pounds. I can see the struggle, man. That's why a dude had to deal with that. I mean, you go over to France, there's all these beautiful dudes. They're all romantic and shit.

Eating croissants and whatnot. It's fucking, it's got to be tough, man. You know? to France, there's all these beautiful dudes. They're all romantic and shit. Croissants and whatnot. It's gotta be tough, man. Gotta suck them dicks. You have to suck multiple dicks. I'll tell you what, you can clean up in Italy because all the dudes are fucking pussy mama's boys. All the chicks want to fucking fuck the American dudes because they can do their own laundry and shit.

They're also rapists. They're very grabby. Did you fuck some chicks in Italy, Holden? No, no, because I was a fucking idiot and had a long-distance girlfriend at the time while I was studying abroad. But, man, like, even my Italian teacher, like, in college was like, you need to go, because she met an English or an American lawyer and ended up coming over with him, and she was like, all the American chicks, like, all the hot Italian chicks want to just, like, bang the American dudes and ended up coming over with him and she was like all the American chicks like all the hot

or Italian chicks wanted to just like bang the American dudes and get over to America I saw it first hand too because I saw these like pussy dudes and they would just be like

and they were like so moody and like bratty and shit because they can't do anything themselves I knew a guy named Luigi from

I say I didn't mean it Mario he's a piece, huh? Super nice guy. He had a white jumpsuit. He was very helpful. Super nice guy. But yeah,

he did have that aura about him. Yeah, yeah. They can't do their own laundry. They can't cook their own meals. It's like mommy does everything. That sounds great. I would love to find a man like that. Oh, yeah.

You want that? And they sure are horrible. Wait a second. You took Italian in college? Yeah, I learned some Italian. Bellissimo. That is disgusting. It's the most recent interactive language.

You know what he says? It's so ugly and gross it makes you want to die. Stop it. Why do you turn into like an invertebrate when you start speaking like that? It's not good. All right. All right. Well, we got one more story before we get to our segment.

And I'm noticing a theme about these stories today. Yeah, yeah. You know what? It is totally a coincidence. It is not because you're here. It is absolutely a coincidence. Is this another faggot story? That's three.

Three times. So ironic. Nice. A soccer coach witnessed... James is left. A soccer coach witnessed a teenage boy being sodomized by teammates, then congratulated the victim, asking

quote, if it was all good. Was it? The new allegations on Wednesday concern an incident in July involving coach Michael DiVincenzo DiVincenzo DiVincenzo

Known to students as Devo who reportedly told Grab that whip I bet it feel good. He told older players to assault freshmen. The fresh claim came to light after three boys were allegedly sexually assaulted in a hazing ritual in Maine. And this happened in, oh no, it was Maine West High School in Des Plaines, Illinois.

Oh, Illinois. Des Plaines. Des Plaines, Illinois. Oh, Illinois. Des Plaines. Des Plaines. Yeah, yeah. It has been alleged that three boys were shoved to the ground and beaten by the older members of the varsity team. The players then held them down, pulled down their pants, tore off their underwear, and sodomized each of them.

Ben, this happened to you. Why do they always have to rip off the underwear? I mean, does a guy really have to leave with ripped underwear? Also, beat him up. What did he beat him up? I mean, they don't say what the object was. But this happened to you.

We all have to talk about the basketball trophy story. Why do I have to show dominance in that way? It's enough to beat them up, definitely make them put on lipstick and run around the fucking schoolyard without their pants on. I put a mousetrap up my butt just in case any of that happened. Yay.

Anti-rape. Very happened. Yay, good idea. Anti-rape, very good. That's, ugh. James Adomi, an anti-rape kid. You can get it at adamandeve.com. Literally just a mousetrap. No, it reminds me of the Women's Anti-Rape Podcast. Just type in,

don't rape me at the checkout. So what's happening to these kids? Well, all the coaches are fired. The six students are being sent to juvenile court. All the coaches? Even the defensive coordinator? But we need them. I wonder if they're going to get all sleepers on those kids that went to juvie.

Remember that movie? Sleepers, a great movie. Yeah, great movie. Sleepers traumatized me. I saw it in the theaters when I was like 12 years old. My brothers brought me. And I was crying and it was awful. A lot of kids suck a lot of male penis in that.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's what it's about. And then they kill the people, which is pretty cool. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, there was a kid when I was in high school got a coat hanger shoved up his ass. Well, absolutely. You got to kill that baby that's inside of there.

Full circle. Hold on. Segment. Yeah. All right. So you got to walk one day in a round table of shoes. I'm extending this to Henry and Ed, by the way, if you want to be Henry or Ed for a day. And what would you do on that day?

I'll start. I'll keep it pretty brief. I'd be Kevin Barnett. All right? Because then I'd know what it'd be like to be cool. I'd wake up. I'd fuck up all of his Halo 4 scores, which would be a real issue when he woke up back in his shoes. And then I think I'd go just fucking go out to some field or something and do backflips for literally like eight hours.

I'd just do backflips. That sounds awesome. You'd do that? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I could just be, yeah, if I'm in his body, I could do mad backflips. I fucking would rule, and then I would go. You'd use it the way it should be used that's exactly yeah and then i'd go when i'd uh just

like try to fuck and probably would fuck a bunch of asian chicks which i've never done so i think it'd be kind of fun to do yeah because i'm sexually racist but if i was kevin barnett i'd like think their butts were fucking awesome and i'd like be rolling to their like weird eyes and stuff all right ke Kevin. Sounds good. I would like to be Marcus and I would like to be you, Marcus. And I would like to have me come in and record a bunch of shows

so then I could be you watching me speaking wonderful words because your life is so good because you get to hear me talk all the time. That's good. That's nice. That's kind kinda good for you Sometimes the real life is the twilight zone Okay that was sweet Ben

Thank you I want to be Ed Larson for a day Of course Are you here Ed? Ed how is LA? Yeah I love here I've always wanted to be Jewish And that would be awesome Are you here, Ed? Ed, how is L.A.? Yeah, I love L.A. You can go out. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Well, I've always wanted to be Jewish, eh?

And that would be awesome. It's not Jewish. He is Jewish. His mother's not Jewish. He's half Jew and more Jew than I am. And also, I'd love to smell like deli meat all day and still have women be attracted to me. And then I'd also love to treat women like shit and then still want to fuck me. I'd get the dumbest,

hottest blonde girl with the biggest ditch. Eddie, you're so funny. Shut up, you fucking bitch. Hey, I'd do that shit. Does kind of remind me of the generic stepdad who steps in and is like, hey, it's fun now for the next five years.

I'm never going to see you at Tati again. As a matter of fact, I'm going to introduce your mom to meth. But he's always having a great time. I want to have a great time always. Done and done. Marcus, who do you want to be, bud? Me? Yeah. I didn't know

I was playing. I mean, you are now. Alright, I guess I am. I suppose I would probably know I was playing. I mean, you are now. All right. I guess I am. I suppose I would probably want to be Jackie. Aw. Me, though. But me. You know, I almost became you. I almost became you.

You know what it's like to be a lizard for a day. Why would you want to be inside of you? Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Oh, no. See, that's the thing is that if I was you, I would have to fuck Doug. Fuck Doug. Yeah. And I can't do that. You was you, I would have to fuck Doug. Yeah.

And I can't do that. You can also take a day off of having sex. Well, that's the thing, though, is that I want to have sex as a woman. I want to feel the other side. I want to see what it feels like. I want to know what love is. I also appreciate that you're not going in to, like, ruin me because you could fuck a bunch of other dudes and then just ruin my life.

I don't want to do that. Thank you, Marcus. And the only person that I could fuck would be Doug. Yeah. So, yeah, I'd be Holden. Yeah, yeah. Because I love horror movies. Yeah, dude.

And we all know that. And, man, what a horror movie that would be. Fun and scary. Go to the insurance firm, work there for fucking seven hours. Yeah. Yeah. It would still be fun.

I think I would want to be Kissel, man. I want to be you so I can spend a day in the mirror looking at my horrifying body. Look at that. It would be gross, but I would also live in your house so I could go into Holden's room at night and take a shit on his bed.

That would be amazing. I just honestly believe everything that you said would make my life better. Yeah, that's the thing. Thank you, Kevin. I wake up the next day and Holden's like, you shat on my bed. I'd be like, that wasn't me. Was Kevin it? Kevin, come wake up the next day and Holden's like, you shat on my bed. I'd be like, that wasn't me. Was Kevin... Kevin, come back to me.

I think you had some really good ideas. Mainly the one where you decided to shit on Holden's bed. What do you got, James? I think I would have to jump into Kevin Barnett. What are you going to do with Kevin? We have some double-edged arms here. It's fine. into Kevin Barnett. What are you going to do with Kevin? I mean, I have to jump into Kevin and just,

I would probably, it would just be a day full of masturbating in front of the mirror. Although, I would like to also be Kevin because It would be the best,

most loving, yeah. It would be also very athletic. Like, I feel like it would be awesome to be able to like run for two miles

and not get winded. And after the fifth time coming, like before two o'clock in the afternoon, I would open up a window and just be like, this is my body! I don't know if Barnett can come that many times before 2 p.m. You know, he masturbates like once a month. Really? Yeah, I barely do it. That thing he's all saved up, so yeah.

I mean, he'd be like, yeah. New management. New management. Yeah, exactly. Believe me, it would be fine. I like that no one chose Henry

because why would you want to be him? I mean, that's the thing. The fact that he's got like pussy juices all over him all the time, that's kind of fun. I know it.

And you know what? The thing is, I order showers from Pussy Juice Shower. I was going to say Henry just because I love ordering food. And I love eating. But you know what? He's on this flax diet now.

And so I feel like you go into his body. He's loving the flax. Have you seen him? He's lost like 40 pounds. That's how fat he was, you know, because he's still fat. He looks wonderful, god damn it. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he just can't go Jonah Hill on was, you know, because he's still fat. He looks wonderful, goddammit. No, no, no, no, no. Yeah, he just can't go Jonah Hill on us, you know?

No, he never will. We've had a good talk. You did? That's as thin as he's going to get. He's already funnier than either Jonah Hill incarnation. Absolutely. Jonah Hill's a great comedian, but of course he's no Henry Zebrowski. Henry Zebrowski is the best, and all of us would love to trade.

That's the no-brainer is that if you're Henry for a day, you're going to be in a Scorsese movie. So maybe if you... But I feel like I would fuck it up. I'd go in. I wouldn't have the skills. Right, exactly. You would just fail. I'd fuck up a whole day of shooting.

I'd set him behind for a day. I'd put his job in jeopardy. So I don't think I could do that. Yeah, man. It's like in Dragon Ball Z when Captain Ginyu switched bodies with Goku and he didn't understand how to use his body. Y'all get that reference? That's the thing.

I do, actually. Somebody did. I do actually. Somebody did. Somebody did. I remember that in series episodes. I guess it would be hard to operate. Yeah, man. Oh, I walk a different way. Yeah, yeah. Yes, yes. I'm very used to this body. I like it. You do good with it. Thank you. Alright

everybody. Henry, we love you. Ed, we love you. I walk a little strange, but it's fine. My kneecaps are green. One of my legs is longer than the other. Ed, we love you. I walk a little strange, but it's fine. My kneecaps are green. One of my legs is longer than the other. Ed, can you close out the show, please? Oh! Oh! Hey, my guy! We'll talk to you later.

Ed just threw up all over the table. Yeah. you you you you you