The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 126: Show Ya Bush

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 126th episode of the Round Table: a man is charged with carving a pentagram onto his 6 year old son's back, singer Trey Songz is arrested for making it rain, and return guests Damien Lemon and Chris Distefano tell some of the best stories the Round Table has ever heard.

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I bet people who have warm dick and balls are less likely to commit suicide. You know, an adjustable drawstring is at the base. It ensures a secure fit. It keeps the Tuggy from slipping off no matter, you know, how active you get. You know, like basketball, it's probably going to stay on. Swimming in a whirlpool, it's staying on but it's gonna be gross the x-mas tuggy measures 8.5 inches long and two inches wide with a generous sized ball sack you know so if you got tiny balls don't worry about it you know like ben kissel doesn't you know he doesn't have to worry about it he's

got tiny tiny little balls you know but for me with my big hooters you know i'm probably jamming them in there so you might even have to get a patch to extend it if you got big beautiful balls like me and it's made by the company pipe dreams and it's all polyester baby just how you love it all right it's 9.95 go to adam and eve, where people learn how to fuck. Input the code CCR at checkout to receive a nice little discount, or if you spend enough money, some free porno vids. Now, here's the roundtable. The roundtable.

Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I promise that I would not speak.

We should have her on the show. No, we shouldn't. We should bring her on. No. I love her. She's great to waitresses and everybody. We're going to do the show. No, we shouldn't. We should bring her on. No. I love her. She's great to waitresses and everybody. We're going to do that. Yeah, let's do it.

Are we ready to go? Yeah, yeah, we're good. All right. Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for joining us here. It's the Roundtable of Gentlemen, and I'm just happy to be surrounded by my friends, and I love you very much, and I love everybody here. Amen. All right.

This is the Roundtable. Who's here? I'm Jackie Zabrowski. That's all I have. That's good. That's all I have. That's good. That's all you need. It's just me today, man. I ain't got nothing behind the glass.

That's good. Sitting in for Ed Larson, the much, much fatter Micah Sherman. Milk. Thank you, Micah. Holden McNeely over here, fucking bush hairs. All right. Yeah, dude. You've been sucking on some bush hairs lately, Holden?

No, man. Do you call the man's thing a bush? Yeah, yeah, yeah, dude. You've been sucking on some bush hairs lately, Holden? No, man. Do you call the man's thing a bush? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I got some fucking rocking bush. I don't shave shit, so I just got some fucking big field down there, man. I go in and out of shaving, man. Yeah? Yeah, me too.

I picked it back up again lately. It's nice. Feeling fresh. Kevin Barnett. Fresh. Balls. Nuts clean. You shave it all the way down?

Right, yeah. The razor? Do you shave it all the way down? Right, yeah. Do you shave the balls? I can't even fathom how one would go about shaving their balls. I go a guard number one on the top. Straight razor on the testicles. That's a nice fade. I'm Ben Kissel. We've got Chris Destefano

here with us. You remember him from the episode Bobby Pets. How you doing? Back in here. That's good. I am doing well and you are. And of course Damien Lemon is with us as well. Nega, nega, nega, don't believe me, just watch.

He always takes the words right out of my brain. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? Well, we've talked about this a little bit on the Facebook page, but it still bears a discussion. A Richland Hills man has been arrested and charged with assaulting his son after telling a 911 operator he carved a pentagram into his six-year-old son's back. Just after midnight Wednesday, officers were dispatched to a home in the 3700 block of Ruth Road after the boy's father, identified by police as Brent Troy Bartell, called 911 and said, I shed some innocent blood. Indeed he did. Well, that's very nice.

So he called the cops on himself? Yeah. I mean, this isn't the worst thing the father has ever done to his son. I mean, Chris, I'm sure your father's done worse things to you, right? Yeah, my father's done some pretty crazy shit to me. Used to gamble on me a lot. As if I was his racehorse, he would take me down. Was this a Requiem for a Dream ass-to-ass type situation?

No, no, no. It wouldn't be like that. It would go down like this. I'll explain it to you like this. I was a pretty decent basketball player, and I swear to God, this is true. How old were you a decent basketball player? He started having me young. I started playing ball since I was about four or five years old.

Okay. But he started gambling when I was about 15. I think he saw the potential. I was the first white kid that could dunk. I had your rookie card. In the neighborhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had, you know, and I had, at the time, I had a sweet mushroom haircut that just used

to blow in the wind, and my dad would say, nice, faggy haircut, you know, things like that. Very nice, yeah. And then call my mom a bitch. That's a dad. Yeah. I mean, once again, a better father than the father who carved a pentagram into his son. Here's what he would do, honest.

And he would dress me up in really nerdy clothes like Rexpec goggles. Like Kevin Durant? Yeah, like Rexpec goggles and pull my shorts up. He was ahead of his time. Yeah, make me pull my shorts up. And dance for him?

We're like a shit... No. We're like a shit top top and then we would go to Bushwick High School which is a black neighborhood and some mighty fine basketball players there.

And he would walk up to these kids and be like, hey, I swear to God, this is what my dad would do. He'd call every black guy Leroy. He'd be like, hey, Leroy! I love it! 1955 black guy name. He wasn't up to date. He's not up to date when he

thinks every guy's black name is Leroy. But the nice thing is, like, one in seven times, he's dead right. Do I know you? Hey, Leroy's. Hey, Leroy's. And then he would say things. He would say, like, you got, you know, $85. You know, it was a random.

You got $88. Put $88 down. Bet you can't beat the kid in a one-on-one. You know exactly how much he had to pay in utilities that month. You got $78.53? That's my utility bill this month. That's what it is. And then he would honestly,

he would put the money down. Did you win most of the time? Well, here's what would happen. He would ask me, in his words, to play white guy basketball. So it would usually be a one-on-one situation. He's trying to pass to somebody.

Right. I'm sending pics on myself. No. And he would be yelling, thinking like, go glass! Dive on the floor. He would call timeouts. It was very weird. It was a one-on-one. My dad would actually ref the game.

He would con these kids. He would be like, look, you got money. Scrounge up some money. If you win, it's double or nothing. My dad would always put down twice the amount in cash. Did he base all of his parenting skills on a 1990s comedy starring Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes?

Probably. Definitely white men can't jump, but you could jump. I could jump, and I won quite a few, and I also lost quite a few. And how was he when you lost? Was he upset with you? When I lost, it wasn't pretty.

I've got to be honest. My father never hit me. He's good in that sense. Never carved a pentagram into you. Never carved a pentagram. He exploited you. But he didn't hit you. But he never hit me.

Mental abuse is through the roof. But he never touched me. But he would do other things like make me walk home four miles or tell my uncles I was a faggot. Sure, sure. So he just accurately described you and made you get some exercise. It sounds like he really believed in you, though. That's something I never had. My dad is the type of guy, anything he's supportive of me,

like anything I wanted to do in my life, he supports. Like if I was like, Dad, I'm going to be a ballerina tomorrow. It's just my thing. He'd be like, well, you know. I got some money on it. It's gay, but I know a guy who can get you a good tutu. I'll fucking get a guy, get you some, you know. And if you won the game, how was your father?

Ecstatic. He would take me down to the OTB racetrack. Just go right back to Betty. He's like, I'm on a winning streak. He would gamble more. And, you know, and I remember as a child, four, you know, five, six years old. You know, what horse, Chrissy? You always call me Chrissy, like I'm a three-year- 6 years old what horse, Chrissy? You always call me Chrissy like I'm a 3 year old girl

Chrissy, what horse? He called you Chrissy and a faggot multiple times Ballpark, how many times do you think your father's called you a faggot? My dad's honestly openly called me a faggot I would say, honestly, 25,000 times If I had to put money on it He does things that aren't even like If I had to put money on it. If I had to put money.

He does things that aren't even like, you know, like multiple times I've gotten yogurt at diners. That's a thing that my mom always enforced. You need probiotics. You need yogurt. You need good cultures in your stomach. It's just intensive about the yogurt. And then my dad would say things like, what, yogurt? What, do you take it in the ass?

And it's like, that's not even. It's actually not something good to eat before you take it in the ass but you know he was a great guy that's all I'll say I don't gamble that's the thing I have he's never taught me that was his rule look I know what I'm you know what I'm doing here but look at me and I'm a piece of shit you know no card games no gambling don't ever do that I don't care we say things like I don't care if you want to fucking go into drugs. I don't care. Just don't gamble.

Just don't do anything. That's very good. Sage advice. Yeah, that's right. Damien, how about yourself? Did your father have some interesting parenting techniques or mother or whatever? My father stepped off at a good old nine. Are you happy?

Would you rather have your father leave you at nine or be a father who carves a pentagram into you when you're ten? Nah, you know what, though? I can tell you. I can tell you. Nah, my pops hit me with the back shit, too. He just said, I'll be back at a good nine. We went to a pizza shop. He bought me a slice of pizza.

And then I turned around to see where he was. This motherfucker was not there but i'm gonna tell you this though the funny shit about my father like it's weird because i didn't you know you when he's nine you got what's a finite amount of memories and shit so it's like a six minute montage and And I tell you the flyest shit. My mom, this is how naive I was.

My pops got locked up. Right? He was in and out of jail. He got locked up. So we went to visit him. I had to be about seven or some shit. And,

you know, you don't tell your kid that the pops is in jail. You just tell your kid, yo, we going to the hospital to see your father. So,

we get to the hospital. Yeah. Which is smart. You know, we going to the hospital to see your father. So we get to the hospital, which is smart. We get to the hospital and shit. And I'm talking to my father through the glass. And I'm like, yo, daddy, what you in here for? Now, this shit was so fly. He looked at me and he looked at my mom's. And he was like, I'm in here for a broken heart. That's sweet. I mean, I know he left me and he was in and out of jail, but his G was impeccable.

Damn, my pot is dope. Speaking of jail and adults, what's happening with this guy in the news? Well, at the same time, the child's mother also called 911 from a neighbor's home and said her husband was hurting the child. from a neighbor's home and said her husband was hurting the child. Officers arrived at the home and found the child cold, standing in only pajama pants with a large pentagram carved into his back, which covered most of his back. Oh my, it's a big tattoo.

I mean, he's a small child. He's a little guy. And the holy day that he was talking about was 12-12-12. Which is As we all know Double 6-6-6

There we go So it's double Satan Yeah yeah Double the devil And it wasn't deep enough To like He didn't require stitches Or anything like that

Gotcha I thought it was The donkey parade But I guess that was That was a couple months ago Right And he did it He called it

12-10 a.m. On 12-12-12 So he couldn't Fucking wait He did it right after midnight. That's amazing. As soon as midnight, he was like, all right. Yeah, he waited until 1212, right?

Probably? 1212 o'clock? No, no, no. He did it before. He couldn't wait the 12 minutes. He couldn't even wait that long. Yeah, he was really nipping at the bits there. He's lacking a lot of self-discipline.

That's what I think. Kevin, you seem to really light up when you mention tramp stamps. Have you ever been with a chick with a pentagram for a tramp stamp or any tramp stamp at all? Not a pentagram. There was a girl who did have a cross as a tramp stamp. I thought it was kind of... Did you come on it? Yeah, I came on it.

I came on the cross and I thought about my relationship with God. Was it a turn on or a turn off when you saw him? Obviously you came, so it didn't ruin the whole situation. I didn't ruin anything. It didn't take much, but I mean, Jesus. It was strange. I don't understand why you would do that. I was just thinking, I just lit up when they said that

because I thought it would have been funny if he had a tram stamp pentagram. Was she Irish? Was she Irish? They do the Celtic cross. No, she's just regular white. Just regular white? Regular white. Does she do that Celtic cross thing, you know?

Yeah. Not that it makes, I don't know what I'm talking about. She was just confused, man. She lost. Well, I think he's still my current friend. I haven't talked to him in a long time, but his name is Dan. He revealed to me after three years of friendship that he had a tram stamp. He had a tram stamp, and it just said, Laugh, over his ass.

And then he tried to convince me that he got it before it was feminine. He got it in the year 2000. 2000! Which is, I'm fairly certain. It had been feminine for a good three, four years. Oh, yeah. Definitely. And I did not come on that tramp stamp.

Laugh. I mean, that's the worst. Micah, you ever been with a chick with some bizarre tattoo? I have a tramp stamp. Do you really? Yeah, I have a Star of David. Isn't that nice? Well, I think that's beautiful. I'm not Jewish, and I don't know any Jewish people, but... I like the design. It's like a tribal tattoo.

It's called a dream catcher, and it's a cum catcher. That's what you got it for? Yeah, yeah, that's what I got it for. It's like, give me the cum catcher, and they drew a Star of David. Right. Anti-Semitic tattoo Yeah, yeah, that's what I got it for. I was like, give me the cum catcher, and they drew a star of David. Anti-Semitic tattoo artist there. Oh, yeah.

Oxymoron. Holden, if you had to get a tram stamp, what would you get? Because I really would like to know. I'm going to go with high five, so that the dudes who were Eiffel Tower-ing me. Remember to high five each other. That's brilliant. Jackie, get high five for a tramp stamp. Because I get Eiffel Tower all the time? I will Eiffel Tower. Me and Micah will do it. Micah has a very strong

experience when it comes to male-female love. I can't bend over for that long. Can you just keep me, just lay me down on a bed? I'll hold you. You don't need a bed. You got his bush hairs, man. That's true. It's like a pillow. That's very good. Well, this is not the first time this guy's been in trouble with the law. He was arrested in

2007. He had been in court to fight a $25 traffic ticket for an illegal turn. Bartell, which is the man's name, approached the judge, turned over his driver's license, and proclaimed he's done as a truck driver. He then tried to punch the police officer who gave him a ticket.

It took three officers and an attorney to wrestle him to the floor. Is this the same story? Where'd the attorney come from? What the fuck? How did he say his name? This is the same guy that carved the pentagram into the kid's back. That's interesting. His attorney's his roommate.

Okay, that's good. I think it's weird that he didn't sacrifice the kid. I feel like if you're going to go and carve a pentagram into his back, wouldn't you ultimately sacrifice your child? Absolutely. Why not? It was only nine. Yeah.

He was six. Well, three is a magical number, as all numerologists know. Absolutely. Yeah, dude. Everything good happens in threes. And everything bad happens in threes, too. Everything happens in threes. Yeah, dude. And world's gonna end, huh? And everything bad happens in threes, too. Exactly, right?

Everything happens in threes. Yeah, at some point. What's happened to you in threes? Shave my pussy. Yeah, pussy. It's not even true in the life of a person.

Literally a person. You don't shave your pussy? No, not like baby shave. I'm a fan of a bush. I gotta be honest. I like bushes. Can I tell a story about my dad's please all right so i swear to god this is true i'm fucking not lying about this people like that's not i i got witnesses i went i was a kid i was a kid i was eight years old okay we went to my little cousin's

recital she's a girl went to her recital so my dad had to take us right my her her my cousin you know her her mom couldn't make it so my dad was like look i'll take the kids to the recital no problem your dad have my dad had a cadillac okay yeah of course he had yeah now he has it now he has a pontiac but he had a cadillac and uh wow Now he has a Pontiac, but he had a Cadillac. Wow. It's just got to end in the end. Well, because he's left a life. That sounds like a cautionary tale. Cadillac to Pontiac.

I know. Cadillac to Pontiac. I know he fell down with it. I know he fell off, but he's, you know. So we're sitting in the recital, right? We're in the back row. My dad's, you know, sitting there talking shit the whole time. Like, I can't believe we're here.

This is fucking gay shit. Got to watch girls dancing around. Fuck this. So I'm a little kid. So the curtain malfunctions with the recital. Curtain malfunctions. So the recital comes to a grinding halt. The teacher comes out, the leader of this whole recital, very pretty, attractive, 20-something-year-old, comes out.

She's like, I'm sorry, guys. There's been a curtain malfunction. I will be right back. It's pin drop silent in this whole auditorium. It's got to be about 500 people in there. Fucking pin drop silent. He's in the back. He goes, show your bush.

Dang. Well, the natural follow up, did she? Did she show her bush? He yells, show your bush. And then everything, like the fathers of the other daughters, it's like everyone's life stopped for a second. Nobody even yelled at my dad. They were just like frozen in time. They're like, did he just fucking?

And then he asked me. He was like, how funny was that? Even as an eight-year-old kid, I was like, not cool, dad. Not cool. Judging by the stunned silence, you did great, I guess. You're like a pretty big guy. How big is your dad in comparison to you? My dad used to be a very heavy set, like 360, 370 pounds, and now he's lost a ton of weight.

He's lost, honestly, upwards of 150 pounds. Good for him. And he's a short guy. He's about 5'8", 5'9". I'm like 6 feet, maybe 6'1". So this horribly gross obese man. At the time, he was obese. And he was still a guy you wouldn't mess with. For example, it was maybe May, maybe even April at the time of the recital.

So it was kind of cold a little bit. And he was in a wife beater and sweatpants and flip flops. That's exactly how I'm thinking. Just with his fat shit hanging. He is the definition of just a guy who doesn't care about anything. I didn't get that. He could give a fuck about if he's got a problem or if he's got an opinion, he's going to let you know he can't hold it in.

And that's why he's got a lot of trouble his whole life. Man, our father wouldn't have asked for that at all. I want to meet your father. Show your bush. Show your bush. Show your bush. Can you imagine if you did just show the bush? I mean, it's not even really an attractive thing unless it's attached to a tit and a pussy. As a kid, as I grew up, there's like a random bush showing.

Just fix up her skirt. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yo, Chris, now you still a faggot? Show your bush. Yo, does your dad look like Frank from Rocketeen Hunger Force Yo I was thinking

The same shit I was thinking The same shit I'm telling you I'm telling you I'm telling you I don't have a name But I think

My dad My dad looks Nothing like the man You would think he looks like My dad looks like Drew Carey I swear to god That's who my dad looks like

That's who he's been compared to He looks like Drew Carey Weird He's to God, that's who my dad looks like. That's who he's been compared to. He looks like Drew Carey. He's got the glasses. Glasses, just fucking, you know, lost. He's a glorious man. We got to get your father in here. My dad wants to come on. Really?

My dad wants to come on. Yes. My dad, anything that, like I said. Has he listened to the program? He's listened. Well, no, he's never listened to this, but he's, you know, some of the stuff, you know, the Guy Code show that we do. We talk a lot about, you know, when you're talking about Guy Code, you talk about fathers a lot. And he has openly stated, I would like to be on the show.

And it's got, I talk about him so much that the people in charge of the show have sat down with me in actual meetings. Like, do you think your father, could we get your father on the show? And because he has a felony conviction conviction there's some legal issues. What was the felony? Wait, you can't get no Sean because you got a felony? MTV said that's kind of just a little hurdle they have to get over.

Wait, as many motherfuckers on MTV2 got felony convictions? My dad's got one case that's still pending. Oh, my felony to your father was convicted of. Classic Italian organized crime stuff. Racketeering was a big thing. Money laundering, he went in for. That's why he went from Cadillac to Ponzi.

Right, yeah, yeah. So he's done some time. But he's changed that up. How many years in prison has your father done? Overall? Yeah. That's a good place to start. Let's go with that and then break it down.

Yeah. Well, he did some time when I was a kid. Actually, I'm sorry. Before I was even born. Little shit, like two years here, three years there. But when I was... That seems significant. No time, no freedom.

Damien and I were talking. Damien said that he went to high school close to Sing Sing Prison. He was there for about three years when I'm old enough to remember. About six, seven years old. Seven years old, I'd say. But we never went to high school close to Sing Sing Prison. He was there for about three years when I'm old enough to remember. About six, seven years old. Seven years old, I'd say. But whenever I went to visit him. And Sing Sing, that's supposed to be one of the worst prisons around, right? That's where they send the New York organized crime people.

It's over now. They don't admit people anymore. And why not? I think they flow. I think they're kind of slowing it down. I could be wrong. This is 1990. I could be wrong. This was early. This was 1990. I could be wrong, yeah, but I think, you know.

It's like a humane society. No kill shelters. It's a changed man. It's a changed guy. We can get back to some news stories very soon, but I think it is really interesting to have a dad that has been in prison. I mean, how does that feel? Because my father was always just like, don't even curse in public.

You're going to go to jail if you do that. He would drive 23 miles an hour in a 25-mile-an-hour place like so cautious and i feel like there's and i always hated him and i still don't talk to him right um i feel like there at least when your father's in prison like you know he's got a story he's got a past you can google it oh yeah you know you can like find it out i mean that must be kind of interesting it's at least it's a humanizing factor in your in your father's life oh definitely it's really interesting you know and it's uh you know maybe well damien i don't know. It's really interesting. And it's maybe... Well, Damien, I don't know if you can really attest to it because you said you didn't get to know your dad

that well post. I know we all know one thing about Damien's dad. He loved to take him to pizza places and then leave. Well, there's things like... This will be real quick. Sorry, Dad. I got into a little bit of trouble when I was a senior in high school and my dad had to come into a principal office.

No, this story is a good story. You want to tell that? Tell that story. I know it's a little bit. I know it's a little bit. This is so crazy. All right, I'm going to tell it real quick. I apologize for hogging it up.

What is the little bit of trouble? Am I hogging? I just love your story. I love your story. I'm just smiling. No, no, no. Let me tell you. Here's what happened, okay?

You got good teeth. It's a little serious at first, but it's fine. But then it gets, you know, to classic dad. And this is, you know, I'm just bringing it up because there's a specific date. He goes, so 9-11, right, on that actual morning. Where is this guy?

What? You know this? Hold on. He put his hand up. He gave his respect, though. He put his hand up to God. 9-11. You know what respect, though. He put his hand up to God. 9-11. 9-11.

You know what happens. Okay, so that happened, right? You know, I went to an all-boy Catholic high school, right? Now, my mother worked on, like, the 86th floor of the second building that was hit. So she ultimately survived. But at the moment, 9-11, we didn't know what, I didn't know what happened. So my emotions tipped. I start hysterical crying.

I don't know what's going on. Kid Frank starts making fun of me, saying, ah, look at the Stefano, you know, crying, you know, faggot again, you know, another faggot. Sounds like a classy guy. So, you know, all-boy Catholic high school. So, you know, they joke like that. So I, because my emotions were tipped and I was a vulnerable state, I lose it, break a chair over his head, right?

That's great. Catholic high school, you can't do that. That's a big no-no. Oh, that's a big no-no. You can't do that. But I mean. That's a life Catholic high school, you can't do that. That's a big no-no. I think in public school you can't do that. That's a life thing. You're not supposed to do that. Unless you're in a wrestling match.

They take me down in a titan handcuffs, actually, and they say, you're expelled from the school, blah, blah, blah. That's Tuesday. Wednesday, school's closed. Thursday, I try to walk back into school like nothing ever happened. I'm just like oh fuck it you know like you know

just back in like the Larry David store I walk in and the principal is like what do you DiStefano you're gone

you're expelled I don't want to hear it so I'm like alright fuck I gotta call my dad so I call my dad I'm like dad look they just threw me

out of school you know you gotta get down I don't know what to do my dad goes don't move I'm gonna be there in 10 minutes I was like

you live on Staten Island we're in Queens there's no chance of being there in 10 minutes. He got there in like 11 fucking minutes. I bet you $73.93 that I would be there in nine minutes. So he shows up in New York Yankees batting practice jacket, just crusty sweatpants and a cup of coffee, and he just walks in.

He got coffee? Yeah. That's why it took 11 minutes. Would have been here in 10, but I had to get some coffee. He's unreal. My dad's unreal. So he walks into the main office of this high school and goes, yeah. He goes, yeah, I need a meeting with the principal.

So they're like, well, you can't just get a meeting with the principal. He goes, I'm going to wait three seconds, and then I'm going to have a meeting with the principal. I'm like, oh, my God. And this is all first. This is real. I'm witnessing this. If this was told to me through a story, I wouldn't believe it. But I'm going to have a meeting with the principal. I'm like, oh, my God. And this is all first. Like, I'm witnessing this. If this was told to me through a story, I wouldn't believe it. But I'm honestly witnessing this. So the lady goes, okay.

Principal comes. He goes, come into my office. So my dad sits down. He's being really nice. He's like, to the principal, he's like, look, my son, I apologize. You know, he broke a chair over a kid's head. You have to understand that he thought that his mother was dead. The kid called him a name.

You got to understand let's work something out and the principal says no. He's expelled from the school and my dad goes look there's got to be another way. We got to think about this and then the principal goes

are you dumb? So my dad goes are you dumb? He's expelled so my dad takes like a deep breath and he goes this is real. This is almost verbatim

like as best I can remember but this is true. He goes okay. He's like uh listen he goes i'm gonna give you two options right now okay he goes the first the second option you're really not gonna like he said so the first option is we come up with a you know uh a thing where we can get my son back in the school and everything will be fine he goes and the second option and you're not gonna like this is you throw my son out the school and everything will be fine. He goes, and the second option, and you're not going to like this, is you throw my son out of school and then I come over

this desk and I break both of your kneecaps. He's like, but he goes, but listen, and this is what I knew was real. Because at first I think he's just spitting lines. He goes, look. He said exactly what I was thinking. He goes, look, I bet you just thought I'm just, you know, naming lines for movies. He said, I promise you I've broken people's

kneecaps before. He said, I do not give a shit that you're a man of God. He goes, I lost my religion a long time ago. He said, as a matter of fact, I lost it on December 1st, 1979. My faith in God was out the window. So in my head, I'm thinking, what the fuck happened on that day? That's what I brought up with. I don't know if something happened in prison or not.

He goes, I'm going to give you a minute. One minute. He goes, Chris C., time him. He goes, I'm going to give you a minute. He goes, you're going Chris C., time him. He goes, I'm going to give you a minute. He goes, you're going to make a decision. He goes, it's you with the kneecaps. I don't give a fuck. So he goes, I would rather go to prison for the rest of my life than you throw him out and me have to listen to his mother's fucking mouth for the rest of my life.

He said, so you're going to throw him? He said, you're going to make a decision. He said, and I want you to make the right decision. He said, so you're going to throw, he said, you're going to make a decision. He said, and I want you to make the right decision. He said, I'll call 911 for you. I'll give them my social security number. He said, they probably know me. He said, I don't give a shit. He said, we're going to get this kid.

You better make the right move. And then the principal, white as a ghost, was like, well, you know, what do you suggest we do? And my dad was like, well, let's expel him from the basketball team. He's got to pay something. He said, and I'll take care of all the kids' hospital bills. And the kid was going to press charges on me, of course.

And my dad was like, he won't press charges. I'll make sure of that. I don't think your dad was going to do that. I don't know. I don't think there was anything violent. I really don't believe that. But the kid did not press charges. And we actually wound up being friends by the end of the school year.

It must have been nice that you my dad in a wheelchair when you asked me like my dad like you know like being like that's kind of like when i when he said that date you know i never asked him to this day like you know my first thing i was like oh did he get raped or something like that but then you know just like the how like calm he was with it like how calm he's like look i'm gonna break your kneecaps like this is just a thing i do like right like i'm gonna shake your hand like i'm just gonna break your kneecaps because i've done it multiple times before. And you're not listening to me. And you call me stupid.

So now I'm offended. So, you know, and I'm not stupid. I got through six years. That is the kind of man I want to marry. Right. I just want to marry a man like that. When your dad comes on the show, can I not be on the show? I'm afraid of this man.

That's the thing. My dad's a very religious guy now. Totally changed man you know I wanna make your pops backslide I wanna see the bad father come back I wanna get like a buck or two or two cate and be like

yo tell us a story if you wanna piss my dad off now all you gotta do is disrespect me in some way or get and then cause he feels like

I'm his only thing. I'm his only kid. So he feels like overprotective. Yeah. I feel like I would as well. Not with girls. Like if a girl – like not with girls. Like if a girl fucking dumped me and I'm upset, he's like, well, you're – stop being an asshole.

You're a pussy. What if I got – Right, yeah. If I ever got into like an altercation, oh my god. I feel – my dad would just – if I was like – he would just – I know that something bad would happen. Yeah. We're all good here. So bring him on in.

Yeah, yeah. I feel like if we just told you – if we just spoke to you the way that he spoke to you while you were growing up and just like said the exact same things he said to you, he would probably break our – He would love us. He would break our kneecaps right now. What are you saying to my son? That's my faggot. Yeah, that's mine. I can call him that.

I'm sorry that took a lot of time. I thought it was a beautiful story. My dad is boring. Call that dude. Call him a bitch. I won't do that. I won't do that now. He just drank whiskey. I forgot that at the end, and this is the

dishonesty app, and then after all that was done in the principal's office, my dad gave the principal, I think, $300 or $400 in cash and said, for all your troubles, I apologize. Oh, well, that's what did it. Yeah. And I don't know if the principal took it or not, but he was like, I know I made you a little nervous. Take the money.

A little nervous? I mean, I got in trouble in high school. For as long as I live I will never understand Italians they're the best what don't you understand him no no

it's like this weird it's like this weird like the whole threatening thing and then like immediately like yeah but here's some money no but this woman set him off with the dumb comment. That's the American way. That's not even Italian anymore. If my dad and my uncles were here right now, I'm honest.

Because I've been at comedy shows where they've liked another comedian. I'm a family member, but they've liked another comedian. They've been like, take $100. And they've been like, no, we don't want it. They're like, take the fucking money. Are you ready to take the money? They've gotten my buddy, Mike Cann Cannon Has done shows with me before My father and my uncles have liked him

They're like take the fucking money kid What happens if they don't like a comedian They're very respectful In a way Maybe I don't think it's funny enough But they won't offer money They're not like these goons Or thugs

They kind of only fuck with you If you fuck with them. Yeah. They can turn it on. No, I like those kinds of- Show your bush! Show your bush! Hey, bitch!

Show me your bush! He might put his hands up like, touchdown! Show your bush! Fucking bang! I'm the guy who did it! I 3-0-5-B, baby! You like that, Chris? All right, Marcus, what's another news story, buddy?

A half-brother and sister in an incestuous relationship were arrested on Friday after police found them smoking meth in a car with their one-year-old baby. I miss Henry. Daniel Lacey, 22, and Brandon Leslie, 35, from Lake Stephen, Seattle, were charged with endangerment with a controlled substance, criminal mistreatment, and incest. They share the same mother.

You know, it's not quite as bad. Sharing the same mother, I think, is very different. Yeah, because you have a mommy to fuck. Why are you fucking each other? And that's something Italians would not do, Marcus. I'll let you know that. All right, now I get you. That's a no-go.

Micah, do you think it's worse if they come from the same father or from the same mother if these two kids are going to fuck? I think it's pretty bad. Either way. It's all pretty bad, right? Yeah. Well, I grew up with a kid that used to fuck his sister. What was that all about?

They used to fuck his sister. Yeah, me too. I think it was retarded, though. Was he consensual? I feel like a lot of people have stories about them. Yeah, but he wasn't the only one fucking his sister. Like, everybody used to fuck his sister. Oh, okay.

The town bicycle. The connoisseur that was, like, loose, you know, starving. And how old was he when he was fucking his sister? He was at least 12, 13. Like, he was fucking age. And how old was the sister? I said 12, 13. Damien, was it, like, a close sister? Like, you lived together like a sister? No,? I said 12, 13. Damien, was it like a close sister?

No, it was similar. Maybe two, three years apart. So the sister was older, I assume. But both of them were mentally ill. You know what I'm saying? They were both twisted. You know what? Everybody's just trying to have a good time.

Yeah, at that point. I'm more upset at the rest of the townsfolk that is fucking. No, but that's the fucked up shit that happens. Like, you know, sometimes you got to, you know, get it where you get it. Was she hot? at the rest of the townsfolk that is fucking this No, but that's the fucked up shit that happens, dude. Like, you know, sometimes you gotta, you know, get it where you get it.

Was she hot, though? Nah, she was available. Nobody, like, honestly, B, when you first started fucking, maybe I, maybe I started,

maybe my shit was a little different, but it was just about fucking. Yeah, for me. More than, like, then it was the opportunity over there.

It wasn't like, yo, she's amazing. It was like, yo, I'm not a virgin no more. That's right. It was more so than... for me. More than like, then it was the opportunity over there. It wasn't like, yo, she's amazing. It was like, yo, I'm not a virgin no more. That's right. It was more so than... For me, it was like you just had to be

a stuffed animal. And then I was banging the fuck. Okay, well, there you go. Yeah. I didn't do it that way, but shit, nah. Damien, who was the first woman

that you had sex with? Not name-wise, but was she curvy? Was she chubby? Because the first girl I had sex with was certainly White Adumpley. Don't look at me in the first girl I had sex with was certainly quite a dumpling.

Don't look at me in the eyes when you find sex. She looked a little similar to Jackie Zebrowski. I am not a dumpling. Was she attractive, Damien? Let me tell you, I swear to God, this is a true story. I came in the game in a young menage. I had two women at the same time. What?

I know you didn't. I swear to God. Who are you? I was a good nine years old, though. It was sad. You were nuts? I won't say their names because they're still around. It was two chicks, and it was my homeboy's cousins, and we was at the crib, and we was doing nine-year-old shit.

Wait, his cousins? That's not nine-year-old shit! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Playing Nintendo, playing dominoes, and fucking two women. All right. So the thing is that doing adult situations in two, we started on some young shit. It was my man, and his two cousins, and we were at the crib, and it was like this little bullshit-ass toy where you could play like, this is old school, play like a record, and it was like a little, like a film that went with it.

You know what I mean? So we was watching that shit. I had this big ass dresser draw in my bedroom. And whatever. So you got two 15 year old girls in your bedroom? No, no, no. Not 15. One is I'm 9, one is 8, one is 11.

Jesus Christ! Yeah, they were sisters. They were man's cousins. Huh? You circumcised? Yeah, yeah, yeah. 8, one is 11. Jesus Christ! Yeah, they were sisters. You circumcised? Huh? You circumcised? Yeah, yeah, yeah. My shit is... I got a crew neck. I got a crew neck.

I got a turtle neck. Wait, why did you ask that? I'm just thinking about it. I'm doing the visualizations going along. I'm just trying to get it... I don't want to know why. That slowed it down. He was like, hold Hold on wait a minute

But um so like I'm back like I'm kissing on the older one The 11 year old one She kissing on me honestly And uh she was like we humping You know I'd have been humping for a while And how were you humping You know humping is just grinding on each other

Wait wait wait how did it back up How did it start I don't even know, dude. It was just like, this was my crib. You know what I'm saying? My mom's crib. We was in the room. We're watching the same shit we've watched billions of times.

But we got the girls in here. They're his cousins or whatever. But he's a little like, he's into it still because he's young. We all young, but I was a little young. Yeah, the oldest is 11 years old. I was about to get older in a couple minutes. So anyway, boom. Jesus Christ. but I was a little yeah the oldest is 11 years old I was about to get older in a couple minutes so anyway boom

Jesus Christ his cousin his cousin who was 11 this shit ain't even nothing to really be proud about but it kinda is but um so anyway

I'm proud of you his cousin his cousin you know we was chopping it up or whatever the fuck and she started kissing on me we know

that's what you do when you're young you play 7-11 you ever heard of 7-11 7 humps 11 kisses or whatever young. You play 7-Eleven. You ever heard of 7-Eleven? Seven humps, 11 kisses, whatever. No.

No. 7-Eleven, it used to be, what was the other one? It was another one where you like, how to go get it. You know what I'm saying?

You hide it and if you catch the girl, you hump her or whatever. Huh? So we went. Yo. People,

listen. I didn't go get it. I didn't go get it. I want to play that game now. You can Google these games. These are real games. As long as everyone's a consenting child, it's fine. Because no parents are involved. No, no, no.

Let me tell you. This is what the nod. My mom's might be in the living room drinking. This is poor supervision. The Urban Dictionary definition of hide-and-go-get-it is a version of hide-and-go-seek played with boys on one team and girls on the other. And when the boy finds the girl, he gets to fuck her.

An example of that is, yo, I got to fuck Julia in the ass when we played hide-and-go-get-it. Was it similar to that? Nah, well, we was humping still. But let me tell you, so this is what we was humping. It might have been a hide-and-go-get-it game. I'm not sure., well, we was humping still. But let me tell you. So this is what we was humping. It might have been a how to go get a game. I'm not sure. But anyway, we in there.

We kissing each other. This first time, like, I had tongue kissed the girl. So we tongue kissing and shit. And she was like, you know, so I'm humping her. And she was like, yo, let's do it like adults. I said, what you talking about? She was like, you know, whip your neck out. You take me out to dinner.

Spend a whole bunch of money on me. I yell at you for a while. So listen. So I put my ring on her. I am listening. Condom or no condom? No, come on, B. This was like 80 something.

They had no STDs in the 90s? That's the cleanest cock a woman ever sucked. Young kids ain't responsible. I'm fucking. Even if I put on a condom, that would have been. So anyway, so I'm fucking for me. And how would he even buy the condom? And I don't even.

We standing up fucking up against the little thing behind the big ass arm wall. And you're fucking her from behind? No, I'm fucking for me. And how would he even buy the car? And I don't even, we standing up fucking up against the little thing behind the big ass arm wall. And you're fucking her from behind? No, I'm fucking her. We looking at each other. We fucking like young amateur fuckers. And so her sister was like, ooh, I'm telling. And I was like, oh shit.

And she was like, you got to do that to me. So I was like, fuck it. Oh. You know, I wasn't even like I wasn't smooth like Fuck it You can get some too I was just more so

Fucking like Listen Don't tell nobody She was a little bigger And I fucked both of them And that's how I came in the game With a double whammy Double whammy

I mean I count that But I don't Then I Then I didn't have sex again Until maybe about 13. Okay. And I lost.

Yeah, I waited a little longer. I know. I lost my virginity at 19. Did you? Well, I mean, 16 here. She knew what she was doing. The first one, yeah, she knew. I mean, she knew somewhat what she was doing.

Did you have any idea what you were doing? I knew we was doing some grown people shit. I knew we, you know, you knew, you've seen people have, like, I'd walked in on my mom's having sex before. So you kind of had an abstract idea of what sex was. Right. You know what I'm saying? You were just getting into, it was just a heightened level of mischief. You know what I'm saying?

I think it's a normal thing. I mean, it wasn't normal. I know that. He's nine years old. I mean, you know. I mean, it wasn't normal. I know that. He's nine years old. I used to do foster care growing up, and there was a lot of kids who had sexual contact with their siblings and stuff. Kids do that kind of thing. Yeah.

And with, you know, I used to do a thing when I was six years old called naked wrestling with a buddy. You know, it wasn't too sexual, but it was wild. It was really quite homoerotic. A male friend, yeah. But did you come at nine? No, B. But did you come at nine?

No, dude. I didn't start nothing until like, dude, when I lost my virginity even at 13, I didn't even have no hair on my dick. I was a late bloomer, and I remember I fucked this one girl. She wasn't the cutest girl, but she had the biggest titties ever. Oh, she was the cutest girl. No, she wasn't. Listen, this was back in the day. We was on the bus, and she lifted her shirt to show.

You know how summers, a girl will go away for the summer, come back with just those fucking titties? Oh, my God. The summer between sixth and seventh grade is like a fucking scientific experiment. A great year for bus riding. Holy fuck, do they come back full of fat in their chest. Jesus Christ. But you feel a sensation, right? Your dick gets hot, but I used to fuck

and then go pee. It's like a thing that your body tells you it stops. I remember as a kid maybe not spermaciding, but I remember I would... Spermacide. I made a boy laugh. You've been spermacide. I don't want to see that what you call it? You've been spermicide.

I don't think, I don't want to see you anymore. If you are spermiciding, that is a problem. I remember telling, like, I had a cousin who was a guy. I remember telling him, like, oh, yeah, like, you know, I get to a point where my dick feels sensational. That's what I would say. It would feel like a sting. Right. But, no, it feels like I was coming, but just nothing comes out.

Right, right, right. Did you feel that with the sex? You just ended up shitting yourself. Well, no. We were just having it to be having it. And your dick would be hard. Like, you would have an erection. And it would not even like a stink.

But you would just feel like it wasn't nothing. Like, you felt like you was going to cum. Right, right. You was just kind of done fucking. Right, yeah. You know what I mean? Because you couldn't cum. So you would fuck until, okay, I'm not a virgin no more.

Let me go. I take a piss. That's right. I can't believe you were able to wait all those nine years to lose your virginity. I know, right? That must have been such a long time. It's very stressful. Ridiculous.

Also, is it just me? I didn't hump at all. There was no humping until I had. Really? Where'd you grow up at? Where'd you grow up at? I was the same as a home here. New York.

Stuffed animals. Really? Stuffed animals. Oh, yeah. Stuffed animals, couch cush yeah. Stuffed animals. Couch cushions. Yeah, couches. See, a lot of kids, we used to hump.

I thought most kids was humping. Did you ever hump? I only hung out with my brother. I had no friends. Oh, well, see there, though. Now, humping was... We didn't hump. Chris, did you hump?

No, what I would do is I would lay, and I still masturbate to this way. I don't masturbate the classic jerk. He's hammering, kind of making a hammering motion with his hand. Making a hammer motion with his hand. He's doing a classic. I lay down in the supine position. I have my penis resting against my stomach and what I do is I put my, I got weird thumbs, so what I do is I make

like almost like a handmade vagina with my thumbs. I'll show you. It's like, it's this. Holy shit! Mike Racine masturbates the exact same way. Is that an Italian thing? It's like, if you you imagine rolling like a pizza dough except it's your penis. That's kind of what I do. So, but you're learning how to fuck while you're masturbating because you are actually still pumping.

Right. I'm still pumping that way. And I feel like because of that alternative masturbation technique, I was able to- You see how he tried to make this shit so highfalutin? Alternative masturbation. Masturbation technique. This see how he tried to make this shit so highfalutin? Alternative masturbation. I was able to last a lot longer initially because I was already used

to that type of... You desensitized your penis? I desensitized my dick. Any of you guys ever fucked a bed? Like, fucked between the two mattresses? Not the pillow. I tried it when I was trying everything because I was trying to figure out how to jerk off

and I fucked the bed. Yeah, I put my dick in between the two mattresses and just like fucked it for a while. It didn't work. It hurts. No, no, no. It doesn't work at all.

That's not how you make a queen bed into a twin bed. Kevin, how was your first sexual experience? Did I do that shit until I was like 19, man? And it was horrible. It was this girl. I knew her from high school and shit.

She was also 11? Or it's just a different story than Damien's? No, no, no. She was just a chick that I knew from school. And it was basically like I was trying to holler at her roommate. And her roommate was vibing or whatever. And she was just like, she just hit me up on Facebook. Like, yo, my roommate's gone.

See, that's the future, isn't it? Yeah. Oh, wow. So you came in the game on Facebook. No, Facebook has really helped me out in a lot of ways. Yo, I've never gotten any Facebook or Twitter. Current girlfriend off of Facebook. I've had a girl since the MySpace ever,

so I've never gotten any of this new media. See, I got laid off of MySpace once. Did you? How was that experience Marcus? No no no Girl just got a hold of me As like The chat man

It was about Late at night You're horny Get on that chat And just see what you can do It was like a year after I got here In New York Like this girl just

Out of nowhere I don't know how she found me She just got a hold of me She was like Hey you're really cute What's going on? And we went on a date And then fucked for a

It's that girl with eczema Yeah right Well you just really Jumped right with eczema. All right. Well, you just really jumped right to eczema. The shit was sounding so good until he was like, it's the girl with eczema. The girl that sheds everywhere that nobody else wanted to fuck. She was really fucking cute, had a great body. But yeah, she did have lizard skin.

She had lizard skin. Oh, it was widespread eczema? Wides. Oh, yeah. It was kind of like fucking an alien somewhat. Was it erotic for you? What's up? Was it hot for you? Actually, it was.

It was pretty great. That sounds fun. But she was like 20, so it didn't really work out. But she liked that E.T. porn, so I mean... Oh, I love the E.T. porn. See, Facebook was beautiful when it first started out, because when I started Facebook, my freshman year was the year that Facebook

like blew up. And it was like only colleges at that time. Yeah. Back when it was the Facebook. Yeah. It was the Facebook. Yeah, I was a senior

when it happened. Yeah, yeah. So like bitches felt safe. Because they knew you were a student at a school and you couldn't fake it. So you could just message girls. We just straight up

just messaged the girls and you end up just meeting up with girls with like a message or two. It was crazy yeah i remember like uh you know i think i've talked about a little bit before just how we went in seasons we had summer of smash and the fall of famine and shit and uh i was living in the fall of famine and like me and my i wish i was there for you uh during winter gash that'd be kind of fun no so we just all went on and like we're like alright we're just gonna spend a day

and we're just gonna poke every freshman girl that we see on Facebook that comes up so we spent like an hour I probably poked like 130 girls or something like that

is the poke still a thing? yeah I got poked I got poked the other day it was creepy did you? by a girl? I've only had like

two people poke me and it's always been an odd like what just I don't even want to be poked in person I've never been poked but the poke is like it showed interest though that was the cool thing back then you would just poke somebody

if they poked you back it really meant something Facebook was a much more innocent thing back then now people poke Coca-Cola and people like you know MSNBC and things like that I know Holden jacks off still extensively to Facebook and things like that

but they put up pictures it's like girls that I know putting up pictures like model in lingerie shit stop talking about my pictures man that's right it's like when you got and your breasts are just like out. Yeah, exactly. You do that pose, the fucking Marilyn Monroe.

Ooh, my skirt's coming up. Oh, damn. Jackie, how old were you when you lost your virginity? 15. To a gay man. To a gay man. Which is, if I had a dog. How did you find out he was gay?

How many years later? While he was inside of me because he couldn't stay hard. Yeah. I had to fold it. I literally folded it and shoved it into my vagina. That's hilarious. You've told that on the show before, but it just never gets old, man. No, I know.

I physically remember doing it because I didn't know that a penis could bend that way. Right, right, right, right. Marcus, let's get to one news story, and I think it kind of plays with this one, with the R&B star. Do you guys know who Trey Songz is? Oh, yeah. Trey Songz. I don't. Apparently making it rain can get you in trouble.

Trey Songz learned this the hard way at his own album release party. The R&B singer threw dollar bills at a woman and was arrested for assault. The incident occurred at his album release party here in Queens at a gentlemen's club. Perfections? It doesn't say which one it is. We're just going to go ahead and say Perfections. C-sections or

Perfections. It was one of those two. According to the police, somewhere between 4 and 4.15 a.m. Trey was involved in an altercation outside the venue. The incident was described by the cops in a criminal complaint as follows. Tremaine Neverson, which is apparently Trey Songz' actual name. Neverson. Why did he change his name?

Trey. Tremaine Neverson. Nothing rhymes with it. Oh, I love you, Neverson. Never say Neverson. That's so great. Leroy, that's his go-to. Tremaine Neverson did throw a sum of United States currency at the complainant.

You mean he made it rain? Yes. And said sum of United States currency struck the complainant's left eye, causing substantial pain to her left eye. Oh, go is fine. He fucking made it rain on you. You pick up those fucking dollar bills and you put them in your pocket. I would love it if someone made it rain on me.

It's unclear if she was a stripper. Doesn't matter. Yeah, he made it rain on a city street, though. It wasn't indoors. It wasn't at a strip club. Once you go outside the strip club, strip club rules don't apply. You can't just be making it rain on random motherfuckers.

What do you mean? Michael, you're walking down the street. Trey Songz comes up to you, throws a bunch of $1 bills in your face. Are you pressing charges? I would take it as a compliment. I would think that he thought I was attractive. Exactly. I'm thinking he's got

a bundle of ones. It's all bundled up and he just hit her in the face with it. That's not making it rain. And it sounds like he hit her with the residual ones. Because he probably made it rain heavy in the strip club. And he had probably a couple dollars left. And he was like, fuck out. And he made it rain, hit her in the eye.

And that's why she feels disrespected. Do you have to go with a larger denomination if you're really making it rain? Oh, no, this guy's been making it rain big shit. They spend money. Yeah, that's what it should be, though. If you're raining ones, it's like, yeah, okay, you just spent 50 bucks. Who cares? We did Murder Fist and a couple shows.

Murder Fist made it rain on an audience a couple times. You just pull together 40 bucks in ones and just throw it at the audience. No, the one is the classic making it rain. That is classic. But there's nothing impressive about it. Yeah, but it's something you don't the one is the classic making it rain. That is classic. But there's nothing impressive about it. Yeah, but it's so much fun to do. Have you ever made it rain on someone? It's so much fun to make it rain, man.

I have. I was in a row of money and people. It's never in a row. Kevin, is a $1 bill enough to make it rain? I mean, obviously. Wait, $1? No, not $1 bill, but the dollar bill. I mean, that's what you make it rain with, right?

At least $50. Right? Exactly. You've got to have a lot of them. But you're also being responsible. That's right. I went on a date

with a guy from OkCupid that told me, it was before I knew what making it rain was a few years ago, and he told me that making it rain was coming

all over a girl, and then he made it rain on me. Can I sue him? Can I sue that asshole? I think there's a statute of

limitations. Yeah, that's different. I think that's entirely different. Yo, he has told that story to everybody he knows. Oh my God, yes he has. I was made a fool. Actually, a little known fact too, I think actually the first instance of someone making it rain

was the Joker in the old Batman movie. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, during the Prince song. Yeah, during the Prince song. Who knows, who knows. Chris, you got a lot of strip club experience, or are you against the whole institution? No, I'm not against it. Do I have a lot of strip club experience?

Not really. You've got to come to me to Florida, because I go to this place called The Porthole, and I'll tell you, it's remarkable. These girls let you finger their butts. Wow. Think about that. Now, honestly, do you smell your finger? Do I smell my finger? No, no.

It smells like a terrible ass. Right. So, no. I always leave that. Because I always have that urge to smell a finger. No. After you finger a butt? The whole thing about fingering the butt is just let the woman know that you are going

to do whatever you want to do with her. You're just playing with the rim of it, or are you shoving it in her ass? You have to shove it in her ass. You got some big-ass fingers, too. I know, man. That's correct. Every time he talks about this shit, I... Jolly green giant fingers.

Yeah. Oh, well, that's a little racist. And also, Chris, I noticed, because you also have very large hands, too. I got large hands. I got, yeah, decent hands. The only... And going back to strip club,

you know, now that I'm thinking about it, my dad had an uncle, or my dad had a friend, who I used to have to call my uncle who owned a strip club. And why did you have to call him your uncle? Where was it at? That's like a thing that you have to do with dad's close friends. Yeah.

You know, this is uncle so-and-so. Like, I only had one actually blood uncle who passed away when I was young, but everybody else who was my uncle was just a friend. He actually died of leukemia. Oh, okay, good, good. Yeah, that's not funny. A drive-by leukemia. Classic mafia hit. Yo, leukemia punchline!

Never works. Never works. Alright, well let's just keep the show moving in a positive light. So who else has had family members die of leukemia? Anybody? You know what, I think we're just going to go ahead and say it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil.

It's called Your Heaven, Your Hell. Your Heaven, Your Hell. I'm sorry. You know what? I think we're just going to go ahead and say it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. All right. It's called Your Heaven, Your Hell. Jesus Christ. Your Heaven, Your Hell. I'm sorry. I did not warn you guys we were doing this segment. So we're going to go around the table, and everybody needs to give us what your personal heaven is and what your personal hell is when you fucking die and all your bullshit happens.

I'll start. I'll make it real simple and short. Obviously, my heaven would be being a baby and sucking on my mom's breasts for the rest of my life. Being my hell would probably be to be chained down and to watch Kevin Barnett fuck my mom for the rest of my life. And someone's, like, pissing in my eyeball

because that kid did that to me when I was little. What? Excuse me? Yeah, a kid peed him. I was using the sink, and he was like hey look and i turned around and he just stream of piss across from the urinal and he pissed in my eye and it gave me like a weird infection okay so then what happened what was the infection so is this sort of making it rain situation i don't know i just my eye was fucked up and i was like he peed on me i have vague memories man this was like and then what

did the doctor say when you went to the doctor? I don't even know if I went to the doctor. I think it cleared up and just fucked my eye up. It was just super red and shit. It hurt like a bitch, man. Don't get pee in there. Don't get the pee pee. If you're gonna have pee play, I know, Ben, you like to enjoy that a little bit.

That's a whole different experience for me. Do you poo poo too, Ben? Yes, I do poo poooo i am a biological being chick and stuff i know you've done p stuff i don't fucking shit on a chick no i don't piss on chicks either no my sex life my sex life is uh meant for the person that i'm using that evening not and not using me uh does anyone i don't like to piss on chicks I've tried twice

Some girls are really into it Yeah, I'm a very nervous peer Like if someone comes up next to me in a urinal I have to Or like hugs you from behind When you're trying to But like if I'm at like a basketball game And you're peeing in the trough or whatever

Someone comes and pees next to me I can't And I have to like zip up and wait for a stall because i get too nervous that's right uh so i've tried twice and i was just like so maybe being forced to urinate on a woman who is currently acting as a urinal in front of a bunch of fans who are like wrigley field would be your hell that might be my hell and what would be your heaven? I think hanging out with Damien at age nine. There you go. There you go, man. Listen.

Well, that sounds fun. Damien, yourself? Oh, hell. Hell would be like just fucked up inconvenience. I hate customer service. I hate being on the phone too long. I just mean on hold, man. On hold too long.

Your phone don't work. Like just simple inconveniences, being in traffic like that shit fucks with me. So that would be hell. Just never ending that. Just never ending the string of that type of shit. Heaven. Hanging out with me at age nine. Hanging out with Micah, me, Micah and the twins at age nine.

Get it? Now, like heaven, I need a lot need a lot of bosoms in heaven. Like I need a lot of just, you know. Oh, can I just mention 80 moms and I'm a baby. Sorry. 80 moms? 80 moms. 80 moms.

What's that? Oh, my heaven, my heaven. Because I was with my mom. Oh, he's got a thing. Like my mom's milk and whatnot. I can't get it no more. When did you start breastfeeding? Oh, 22.

Okay. Breastfeeding and beating off at the same time. Yeah, exactly. Skeeting and hitting the teeth. We couldn't figure out which substance was which. We're like, what's the cum? What's the milk? You know, it's a lot of fun.

That's a lot of fun. That's a lot of fun. But I do like that of fun but I do like that breast situation I do like some big titties I'm with you on that alright well my heaven

then Damien now in current life in 31 you're around my same age yeah yeah go down to Vegas have a good time my heaven will be

tag teaming a chick with you with big tits and a nice fat fucking ass there we go my hell I thought we were tag teaming a chick I'm tag teaming Michael's just down to be down with anybody.

Yeah, he wants everybody to have it in hell. I will try my hardest to pee on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think my hell would be getting to that point where you have to cum to the point where it hurts. You never cum. And I think that would be an act. Oh, it's like a sneeze.

It's like a sneeze that's always there. That would be hell on fucking earth. Because as soon as... That's the thing. It's like a sneeze that's always there. That would be hell on fucking earth. Because as soon as, that's the thing. It's not the come that feels so good. It's the pain that your balls feel when you have to come. And it's the release that makes you feel good only because you're in like, you're being tortured until you can finally fucking come. Blue ball purgatory.

That's right. I felt that for at least two years until I was 15. And then the first time I ever came was on a church van. On the van. On the church van or were you inside the church van beating off? No, we were inside of a church van and a girl reached over and gave me a handjob with everybody around. Wow. Everyone saw us.

We were underneath a blanket. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That was awesome. That's great. Then I followed her blanket. The Lord works in mysterious ways. That was awesome. That's great. Then I followed her around for two months. Do that again, please. I don't know how to make this work. I can't believe the first time you came was with a chick.

That was my first time. That's wild. That's really amazing. All right. I'm sorry. Chris, yourself? I don't know. I was thinking a lot about this. I guess

heaven for me would be maybe to have won all the games my dad gambled on me. Maybe that would be heaven, just to have won those. I love it. Your father loves you. Chris,

why did you stop playing basketball? His father kept on losing all this money. Why did I stop? I guess I became a physical therapist, so I had to go to graduate school. That was pretty heavy. And then comedy. I guess there was no comedy. I'd probably still be playing ball.

Have we played basketball together? Are you still good? I think we have played basketball together. No, I'm not good at it. I've gained, honestly, 45 pounds. How old were you when you first dumped? 15. Jackie, she was 12.

I was 12. All right, and what's your hell? Hell? I'm just letting you know. I don't know. I mean, I guess hell would be, like, I don't know, if there was, like, no more pizza. Yeah, that's a hell. That is sad.

I mean, I don't know know if there was no more pizza how would Damien's father leave him properly those are the two like most middle of the road heaven and hell no more pizza twisted like that's just I have a simple brain I think cause if you think if it's not too crazy extreme but then

you gotta realize the eternity aspect of it and then it becomes great some lasagna or a calzone. That's right. It's not the same. Yeah, but it's not the same as pizza, you know? Just unfold the calzone. Straight up logic.

I need that. I need pizza, you know? It's just a simple thing. Kevin, yourself? You know, I think my heaven would be I get up there, and they tell me Loch Ness Monster is real. And then I get to swim in a lake with a bunch of beautiful plesiosaurs. And the lake is made out of titty milk.

You know, Kevin, I think that's the closest to tears I've ever seen you. It's a beautiful moment I was just picturing, man. And I guess my hell would just be like two dudes' beards tickling me forever. True. It's totally true. It's disgusting, yeah.

You can't stop laughing? I'm not enjoying this. Alright, Jackie, it's your turn. And you're not allowed to use Kevin's hell as your heaven. Ah, damn. No, my heaven, I think, would be a constant big southern barbecue. It's filled with meat and a bunch of grilling and a bunch of corn. But I also want a boxing ring where two men always have to be fighting for my honor.

Nice. And then my hell would be, first thing I thought about, my teeth. Nice. I get that. And then my hell would be first thing I thought about my teeth falling out. Yeah. Teeth falling out that's forever. Teeth constantly falling out

so they regenerate and then keep falling out? No, no, no. It's just the forever hell of having a gum. Like there are no dentures. Like you got a gum for the rest of your life.

So they only fall out once though. Yeah. They're not always falling out. But it'd be like really long painful process of them falling out. Right. And then you lose like It's not always falling out. But it'd be like a really long, painful process of them falling out. Right. And then you lose all your friends because you have no teeth. And, um, yeah, man.

Gum and shit. And then I can't eat meat anymore. Yeah. Can't eat meat. Marcus, is there a score on this? Is everybody done? I have no score. What about you, Marcus? Heaven? Knives! Knives!

What? Hell, Marcus? Heaven? Knives. What? It is true, yeah. Hell? Also knives. Wait, is that you? Yeah. I love it, though. You have to explain that now.

I can dig it, but yeah. Hell? Frogs. I'm with you, man. And that's it. I'm terrified of frogs. They're the worst. There's nothing I fear more in this planet.

Chris, I want to throw something in just from the last episode that you were on. Every time I think about circle jerks, I think about you, which is a lot more often than I ever thought about circle jerks before. Yeah, I like to, you know, when I was a kid, I used to jerk off a lot in circles. All right, well, that's the round table. What do you mean? I just wanted to throw it out there. Yeah, and it was weird, you know.

My buddy Sean's pinky touched my dick once. That's Jackie Zebrowski. And then I came. Hold him in nearly a second. Thank you for being here, Micah. Damien Lemon, thank you for being here, man. Thank you for having me. You're amazing.

And thank you for being here, Chris Estefano. Thank you. Absolutely. All right, that's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kessler. We'll Chris Estifano. Thank you. Absolutely. All right, that's Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kessler. We'll talk to you soon. Right here.