The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 127: Beee Dah Doh Doop! Beee Dah Doh Doop!

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 127th episode of the Round Table: a heroic chicken named Cluck Cluck saves a family from a fire, a woman is charged with insurance fraud after her sexual prowess rats her out, and a woman in Chicago is attacked with a sock full of feces. Joining us today: Micah Sherman and Mike Recine!

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or if you spend enough money, some free porno vids. Now, here's the round table. The round table. Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Is that okay? That's fine. Jackie, did you teach it to do anything, like, interesting?

No, it doesn't do anything interesting. Are we ready for the prayer? Yes. I'm praying to the Furby today oh all right man so henry got me a furby as um $60 as a dumb present joke gift for christmas and i love it more than life itself you know why because the furby is only happy until it gets pissed off and then it howls at the moon. So I think everyone should learn a little bit about Furby and be a little bit more like them in the coming new year that comes tomorrow. You're asking us to be whale people? I want everyone to sing and dance all the time and to only want to be fed.

And he loves to be cuddled just like everyone should. So happy fucking New Year. I love being in New York, and I hate Florida forever. Is this the closest thing to having Henry with you at all times? Yeah. And amen, everyone, by the way. Amen. Amen.

Fucking amen. Fuck Florida. Who cares about fucking God? All right. Sitting in for Ed Larson. We've got, who is that wonderful gift giver over there? My name's Henry Zabrowski. I'm sorry. I was doing my Ed Larson impression. Oh,, who is that wonderful gift giver over there? I'm sorry, I was doing my Ed Larson impression.

Oh, big, fat, thick neck. Covered in fucking, he's got a sweater of fucking ham on. Oh, shut your eyes, everybody. Is Ed here? Is Ed with us? I don't know. This is exciting. We have a bare bones round table member episode. We do, we do.

Of course, we have a great chuckle hunter here. He's a chuckle-hutter extreme. He's sitting in for Holden McNeely, and that fellow is Mike Racine. Oh, man, you're so much more attractive than Holden. Well, that's not true. You look very good today. Thanks, I just thought I'm doing my favorite podcast I should try. I was trying to better myself.

He's got a nice button-down on, he's got a tie on. You look really, really sharp. Thanks. Oh, you're clean-s got a tie on. You look really, really sharp. Thanks. You look really good. Are you wearing a set of Spanx right now? Because you look thinner. What's keeping it all in? I go to Frenchies in Williamsburg.

Do we have a big button that's like a horn, but it says bag? That's Mike Racine, actually. He's the living version of that button. You need me to say fag? Yay! I'll say fag. His name is Kevin Barnett. Another roundtable favorite, Micah Sherman.

I don't see nothing wrong. Yeah. Wow. That see nothing wrong. Yeah. Wow. That's really nice. My neck is real hot right now. Your neck is hot? My neck is hot. You can move that down to the floor.

Oh, there's a heater right behind him. Somebody lick it. It's like a term proof. It's on the heater. I can put this on the floor. Yeah, put it on the floor. Yeah, put it on the floor. It's very cold right now in the Roundtable room.

Jesus Christ. Okay. Put that fucking thing away. Three the round table room. Jesus Christ. Okay. Put that fucking thing away. Three and a half minutes. Could you please do something with it to silence that? There's nothing to do. Monstrosity. There's literally nothing you can do to make it quiet. How do you turn off the Furby?

You take out the batteries. Oh, maybe you should take out the batteries. Oh, and by the way, you need a screwdriver to take out the batteries. What? Quick, quick. Okay, I'm Ben Kissel and that's Marcus Parks. So the kids just can't pull it out, so you can't kill this goddamn creature. My mother was taking me to the airport at like 6 o'clock in the morning,

and this was in my bag. It was like, I can't leave this in my bag. It's going to keep making noise. They're going to go through my bag. I don't need this fucking shit. So I was like, oh, I need a screwdriver. And I'm sitting in the car. It's like, motherfucking God.

And it's just like, and I'm trying to get the fucking screws out of it. My mom's like, stop getting so mad. I'm like, I can't fucking stop getting so mad. If you and Henry died in a bus crash but that thing got destroyed, I wouldn't really care. It's worth it. My grandmother, this reminded me of a

story. My grandmother got the original Furby, not nearly as up-to-date as this Furby, terrified her to death. She put it in the back of her closet. Every time she would open up the closet, she would hear it singing, and she was freaking out about it. Very terrifying. This one is very updated, though. It has LCD eye screens

to convey its emotions, so it's very weird, and it's always dancing. Always. It loves it. You say dancing. I say weirdly mechanically twitching. If you play a song, it sings along with the song in Furbish, and it dances to the beat of the music.

And how does Furbish sound? Be-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da- week when you've joined the Marines. My niece got one as well. Jackie, you're going to join the Marines in a week. You have no idea what this is subconsciously telling you. I mean, it might be making you do terrible things. No, definitely it is. It really makes me violently angry, but I brought it home to a bunch of roommates that all think it's the best thing on Earth. You see, I did good. I did good for Christmas. You did good until Jackie has a

fucking butcher knife covered in blood that is full of all of her roommate's flesh as well. And I'm singing... Exactly. When was the last time you slept well. And I'm singing, Beating on a... Exactly. When was the last time you slept, Jackie? Just stabbing him with a knife over and over again in the street. All right, let's get to a news story here, Marcus.

A Wisconsin couple says a pet chicken named Cluck Cluck saved them from a fire. No way! Cluck Cluck! Florida is nothing but people eating homeless people's faces, and then Wisconsin is cluck, cluck saving lives. We just went ahead there and renamed them the hero chicken. The hero chicken. We ain't going to eat them too soon. Dennis Marosca, 59, said cluck, cluck woke his wife with loud clucking from its cage in the basement two floors below about 6.15 a.m. yesterday.

It says not to. God damn it. All right. We have got to stop this for a minute. Put it away. Put it away. I don't know where to put it. It's on microphone for fuck's sake.

It probably goes there. All right. And that's not to say that their chicken don't be clucking anyway no matter what the time be. It's like it was especially loud with the clucking when the fire was brewing in me house. What? Swedish and Jamaican fella from Wisconsin? Swedish and Jamaican equals Polish to you? It is really very difficult for me to nail down Wisconsin.

Yeah, it's tough. Hey there. Hey, I owe, I owe her there. Stop it. You gotta do Bobby's mother there. Yeah. Yeah, Bobby's tough. E-I-O-I-O-R-E-THER. Stop it. You gotta do Bobby's Mother there. Yeah. Bobby's World. Here's a quote from a

firefighter. We're used to hearing about a dog or a cat or something, but we never heard of a chicken waking up a resident for a fire. Isn't that something? I just want to see the conversation that he had. I heard of a dog, a chicken, an alligator I gotta put this Furby outside

It's driving me insane If the Furby gets stolen It will be upon your head Give it to the bartender Go put it in the studio Go put it in the studio We'll be fine We'll be fine until you get back

The show used to be professional Jackie brought a god damn Abomination into the fucking studio We'll be fine until you get back. Yeah, the show used to be professional. Jackie brought a goddamn abomination into the fucking studio. I told you the second I got it, I was bringing it into the podcast. I did it. I mean, we could give it a microphone. Well, Cluck Cluck came from a nearby farm. Great name, by the way. Oh, great name.

I just want to be there for the conversation. So why'd you name him Cluck Cluck? You should hear him cluck. I'll tell you, he always does it twice. He comes from a long line of hero warrior chickens. When the chicken began wandering over to Maraska's house, his neighbor said he could kill it because it wasn't producing any eggs.

But Maraska felt sorry for Cluck Cluck because she had a mutated foot and decided to keep her. Handicaps love handicaps. This is an amazing story about a chicken that could. He fed the bird and built a coop, and then his wife let Cluck Cluck into the basement on cold nights, quote, I spent way more money on it than I ever should have.

I guess it paid off. It just sounds like the chicken was probably roasting alive, right? Yeah. I spent way more money on it than I ever should have. I guess it paid off. It just sounds like the chicken was probably roasting alive, right? Yeah. Well, here's the shitty part about it. It wasn't trying to help him. It was screaming in fear and in pain. Here's the shitty part, is that the couple got out in time, and firefighters later saved the chicken.

They didn't even go down and grab the chicken. Of course not. The chicken is the only reason you're alive If you die saving the chicken That is fine because you were going to die anyway This is how you know if a chicken saved you It has tied together a rope Made out of bed sheets And is thrown out the window

Because otherwise chickens are just going They don't have brains Yeah they're dumb It's like saving a fire alarm You thank the fire alarm though And you do try to prevent it from melting. Sure, I'll tell you, don't you fucking take the batteries out of the fire alarm so it doesn't go off when you're smoking weed in the house. Treat it like that fucking Furby should be treated.

Oh, it's like she's still here. Seriously, like, yeah, do you thank your smoke detector? Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, smoke detector. You thank the people of Duracell? You thank the Energizer Bunny? I have never had a your smoke detector? Oh, thank you. Oh, thank you, smoke detector. You thank the people of Duracell? You thank the Energizer Bunny? Yeah, you thank everyone. I have never had a working smoke detector.

I think every time I move into a house, I immediately take the batteries out of the smoke detector. What are you talking about? Because if I don't feel the fire, then I'm going to die. And that's just how it goes. But technically, you don't have to. You could have a smoke detector. Yeah, because how much smoke is in your apartment? Is it always in there?

Yeah, you've never had a smoke detector in your apartment that goes off all the time? No. You cook something and it burns it. Oh, yeah, that's true. Usually the steam from the Little Caesar's pizza I just brought home doesn't quite trigger it. But, yeah. I don't think I've ever had a working carbon monoxide detector. Yeah.

When the batteries go on it, I can't warrant buying new batteries. I don't know what it does. Silent killer, go fuck yourself. If carbon monoxide gets you, it gets you. It's the ninja of all gases. It's working hard. I got the carbon. Have a dog in the house. Because if the dog just fucking dies

one day, carbon monoxide poisoning. You think so? No, you get a pet canary like in the coal mines. The canary goes down, that's when you get out. Everybody out of the mine! Because the canary is down there. Leave the slaves in the mine, it's fine. I thought the canary there was like

tweet your location if you're buried in a landslide. I feel like maybe there was one or two canaries in history and it became kind of an old wives tale. I can't imagine coal miners keeping a canary alive. What about a Johnny Appleseed and all his apple plants? He never had a

canary. Sorry. Did he have a Johnny Appleseed? Is that just folklore? I think it's folklore. That's your fucking diseased brain putting two stories together. But either way, this is a very nice chicken, and I love it. And that was a very nice gift that you got for Jackie over your Christmas vacation. Zebrowskis. And of course, Michael will get to you, and Mike will get to you as well.

But I want to know about the Zebrowski family Christmas. What happened for you, to you, December 25th? We don't need to talk about it. Top three Christmas Was it awful? Worst experience of your life? No I had a great Christmas

Me too I went to a Miami Dolphins football game Well yeah because you're living in a fucking land of tits and booze And then we went to the porthole You just ate hot dogs for breakfast at the porthole No I did not Okay so here's the controversial thing You had an OTB Christmas

Oh don't bring gambling into this Really isn't that the saddest Christmas of all? I think so. I had a great time. And Black Strippers, hello. A couple of times they said, oh, your weave is off. But that's okay. And then she fixed it.

It doesn't matter. She's a nice girl. She was working for real. Your weave is off? That's not. She lives with her father. Either way, I did not. So I went to see the Miami Dolphins.

Is it a weave or a wig? Oh, well, I mean,... So I went to see the Miami Dolphins. Was it a weave or a wig? Oh, well, I mean, I don't know. Because weaves are very strong. Oh, because then it was a wig. Then it was a wig. You're slowly turning into, what's his name, Al Bundy from Dutch. Oh, please.

I don't have a son. Nor do I want to take one across the country. But it was fun. The portal was a very interesting place. I did not eat the hot dog there. Very controversial. The fellow I brought with me, Jason, and all of his cronies and his friends, they ate all of the hot dogs. And he said, oh, it's fine.

They're boiled. They're boiled. But I don't think that a strip club is any appropriate place to eat any sort of, you know. A lot can happen somewhere between the boiling pot and where the hot dog goes in your hand. That's all the more reason to eat that hot dog. It's a strict show. He's smoking pussy juice all over that hot dog. Okay. Yeah, no, I suppose that's why he ate it up.

Tastes like afterbirth. Oh, that would be from Wendy on stage. Those containers filled with blue liquids that they also keep the cones in. I haven't seen a comb like that in a long time. One of those comb jars? An old-timey barber, yeah. You don't go to old people places. You just go to that old Polish woman that loves to stroke your shoulders.

She puts her hard-nippled, big, pillowy breasts on my shoulders. That's why his hair is so short. That's in Florida or here? Here. Her name is Oksana. She's got to be over 60 And she's a triple J Triple J?

What did they start out as? It's like literally They're like two It's like two people Strapped to the barber Does she like put the razors on her tits And just like rub it up and down? You're going to be so sexy

And then she puts her tits on my shoulders And then cuts my hair like this Do you ever get hard? No. It's disgusting. It's just comforting. It's comforting. I used to love that as a kid.

You get boobs on your arm or your shoulder and you're getting a haircut. It's more comforting than anything. It's not sexual. I could just rub my head in and I fall asleep. It's like a memory foam. You think they know what they're doing when they do that?

Yes. Let's say somebody gives you a longer hug and it's a good friend of yours. Maybe it's a 13-year-old boy or cousin or nephew like that. You can't even start talking about long hugs because you almost got kicked out of school for hugs. I was a hugger. I was a lover. As soon as you start talking about long hugs, it's for you in your life. I never gave that long of a hug.

You never gave them. No. And it feels uncomfortable for the lady when you realize the man is officially just hugging you to touch your tits across his chest i don't talk to any the only child under the age of my age that i talk to is my niece who's six so she's not at the breast grabbing age just yet so i have no younger children that i hug let the uh let the record be said that Jackie did grab her breasts. Because I can grab them whenever I fucking want. She's bouncing those things up and down.

Henry, what is your sister doing right now? What am I doing, Henry? It's because I'm wearing my shirt that says, happy, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun, fun. Yeah, she literally has an amazing shirt on that just says, fun, fun, fun. So Christmas was fun for everybody. It was bad. We had a bad time. It was the worst. Mike, how was your Christmas? Bad bad We had a bad time It was the worst

Mike how was your Christmas? Bad! He had a bad one too It was bad Not enjoyable Why was yours bad? Because you asked us why ours was bad And we never asked you

You didn't tell me why yours was bad We didn't get into it We don't want to talk about it It involves an autistic child And that's all you need to know Merry Christmas. I have one of those too. They're just bad for holidays.

Just park them someplace for holidays. Put your tongue back in your mouth. Is it tough to eat around them? There's a lot of people it's tough to eat around. You know, my father. My mother. Yeah, basically the whole story. My brother's autistic and I went out to dinner with him Sunday night.

My parents drove up from Jersey, and it was like, it's just a nightmare being around him. It's hard. It's very hard. What did the autistic kid do? It is like going out to dinner with a Furby. Yeah. Why are you talking right now? Someone else is talking.

Audible judgment. But unnecessary. If my kid was autistic, I would give it back to someone else. You can't give it back. Sell it. We're going to give it. But unnecessary. If my kid was autistic, I would give it back. You can't give it back. Sell it. Black market. There's no stork. Isn't that kind of scary, though?

I would give it to some lesbian couple in Park Slope. That's very, very true. But if you go out to a restaurant with an autistic kid, you get a discount, right? No. There's not like some elderly people get a discount, real young kids get a discount. If you're autistic...

You get an extra smile, some people will hold the door for you. You would think. That's nice. Yeah, but no cash. There should be an autistic discount. It's hard to see an autistic person until they start acting out. Yeah, you don't always know. See, also, as soon as I see one, too,

I know you're getting money from the government, so I'm giving you one less fucking one of my pennies. What? You're screwing over the autistic kid? What autistic kids are asking you for money? Every one of them with their eyes. What are you talking about? It's just because his father doesn't have a job

and he happens to be trying to marry our sister. He's got shaky hands. And they're like, oh, he can't work because he has tremors. And it's just like, fuck that. So this is about the father of the autistic child, not the actual autistic child. Yeah, all of it. Anyway, I feel bad because what if I have a bad kid and I can't give it back because I used to have a bad cat and I gave it to Humane Society?

Well, you can't do that with a kid. You can't put it up for adoption. Yeah. That's rough after you've had it for a while. You're like, yeah, I don't want this. No, no, no. Up until five, they have no memories. That's sort of true.

I feel like you would be really emotionally hindered. Autistic kids. No, you would not. I mean, you would sort of be, but then you would get the... I actually think that you should be more confident as an adopted kid because then someone actively chose you. We're the children of someone that goes, that's just how life works. But the thing is, though, you want to go out there and you give up your kid for adoption.

It might have a club foot or something like that. But eventually, it's going to warn its new adoptive parents about a fire that's going on in the house just like that wonderful chicken. Just like Cluck Cluck. If you have a kid with a club foot, name it Cluck Cluck. That's right. Why was your Christmas so horrible, Micah? Oh man, just my parents are very stressful

to be around. They're woodsy folk. What does that mean? By choice. They're like old hippies but they're not great at talking with people. They get really stressed out. So they just sort of hole up in their

house and so I come home and they've got this weird dynamic. They're both retired now and so it's like a weird dynamic where they're around each other all the time. They know their flow and you just disrupt it. And they have this bad habit of giving me career advice. Normally I'm just like, oh, yeah, sure, I'll become a lounge singer. I'll look into it.

That's what I was talking about, too. This is the two pieces of advice that I got over Christmas. Hey, you should get a show. You should get a show on TV. You should get a show, though. Yeah, you should get a show. And should get a show on TV. You should get a show, though. Yeah, you should get a show. And then we'll be watching a movie on TV, and then the brilliant light bulb goes off,

and my mother said, you know, you should do a movie. Do a movie. You don't want to watch one. You should do one. So I was talking about my agent or something with my parents. I shouldn't have talked to them about anything. As soon as you open up one thing about show business to parents, they're just like, you're going to be a

TV man. They go, oh, an agent. Have you ever thought about being an agent? And I was like, what has led up in my life to indicate that I would want to represent other people right now? Why would I want to do that? And they're like well we

just we don't know anything about your field this is why are you giving me career advice and then he started to yell at them and they're just like but we're just trying to we're just trying to shut up mother trying to understand and i'm like what are you what are you afraid of like i'm i'm i have a career so far that's led up to this point. I'm doing fine. I'm able to fly myself back home. I wear a sweater. I'm doing fine. That's more of a shirt. That's more of a striped shirt.

Oh, says the man who wore a sweater for the first time today. He's got a tie on, though. It looks great. He looks really well-dressed. You look like you're going for a job interview. And then your folks read a story about fucking Cluck Cluck And they're like have you thought about being more like Cluck Cluck They wouldn't be a chicken

That wouldn't be interesting Oh Benny Benny if you could just be a chicken And if you don't work out We could just kill you and eat you I think my parents are still like Oh Micah wants to be famous And he's not famous So he's failing and he's not famous.

He's unhappy. He's failing and he's unhappy, right? And I'm like, what are you... But there is a great story about this chicken who saved a couple from a fire. Well, you know who got really famous? Timothy McVeigh. About it. We've been thinking about it for years.

Infamous. Well, I got a story involving family. Got a good old family story here. A man viciously beat his own children with a belt after none of them would own up to who had passed gas in the car. Come on. Were any of you beaten with a belt? Oh, my God, yeah. You were?

Aggressively beaten? Beating or a vicious slapping with a belt? I think it's currently illegal under standard U.S. law. If you go with the side of the belt, I think it's a beating. Wait, have you been hit with a belt, too? Micah? No, I never got hit with a belt. I can usually size up a person and tell if they've been hit with a belt.

Oh, yeah. With a telephone receiver. Yeah, if you're being an idiot. Your family would do something weird. My My dad was drunk and everyone was sad. That's Henry's side of the story. It was a leather belt with metal studs on it. What? What was he doing?

Just being an idiot like Henry. Farting in the car, doing things like that. No, what we would do in the car is I have two brothers as well and he'd always drive with a bench seat in his truck, and he'd have his arm over the bench seat. Me and my brothers would be acting up, and he would just blindly slap in the back seat just to see if he could hit one of us.

That's a fun game, though. That's a fun game. It's a really great dad game. My dad used to keep a lawnmower in the trunk. And if I was bad, he would pull that out and turn it on and beat me with the bottom of the lawnmower. Very dead alive.

I like it. What did you get hit for? I don't know, like cursing and stuff like that. But my mom would, if she was mad at my brother, she would make me go get the strap for her, and I would come back with options for her. I'd be like, which one do you want? It must have been an 1830s servant boy.

Not me. She would turn us against each other. You're like the house slave. Yeah, because you know in movies and stuff, when people get spanked, it's like, you were bad. You acted up. And we have to do this. My parents were like the opposite of that. They would just be

Well, that sounds like I thought that was gonna be funny I really did Ceremony for us like Sarah yeah, you had to like go there emotion though like where they there was emotion Yeah, yeah, you had to go and get the belt and you had to like lean over the bed They didn't make you do bare bottom. Thank Christ. Oh, I got all that sweet bare bottom tree. You got bare bottom? You really missed out. I also got spankings in school growing up. Yeah, I did as well. Yeah, they had big...

Our superintendent had this huge paddle that he would use, and everyone who got paddled by it got to sign it. Cool. That's kind of fun. And then, of course, he would ejaculate on it as the

lacquer. And those names are always forever sealed in his memory. It must be bizarre having a bottom that isn't a principal's spank bank. Which you certainly do. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What grown man would ever suggest a boy pull down his pants and go over it? No, we never pulled down our pants.

Oh, you did not pull down your pants. No, did you? I mean, it was Christian school. No, I guess we didn't pulled down our pants. Oh, you did not pull down your pants. No, did you? I mean, it was Christian school. No, I guess we didn't pull down the pants. But what grown me in spanks and other boys' ass? It's a disgusting thing. I would just never be able to do it. I feel like that's weird. Because the teacher had the choice.

Either the teacher could do it themselves, or we would be sent to the principal or the superintendent. Or you'd have the whole class do it. The class would turn against you. That's for birthdays. Wait, did the superintendent work at the school? Yeah. Oh, okay. They didn't have to bus principal or the superintendent. Or you'd have the whole class do it. The class would turn against you. That's for birthdays. Wait, did the superintendent work at the school? Yeah. Oh, okay.

They didn't bus you to his office. I sometimes don't wish we were hit with a belt because ours was more like emotional abuse. Like, we'd get the silent treatment from our mother for like a week. I wish you were hit with a belt too, to be honest. Right? And then like, we would at least be more... I got pulled by the hair all the time. See, I got nothing.

I would just not be spoken to by my parents for like a week. So I'm just like, it was like all emotional guilt. So basically the question is, why is this man slapping his kids who obviously one of them farted in the back of a car and making news? I think that's kind of fun.

But he said, but it was almost to death? Police were called to a home near... I don't know about that. No one said anything about it. No one said anything. How many times did you slap? You said brutally beaten, though. Viciously.

If it's not almost to death, then why is this a news story? Why is this a news story? The kids were 6, 9, and 12. Both at ages. Police were called to a home near DeLand, Florida. Do you know where DeLand is? DeLand is bad. It's right near DeWater. Let's have a good time.

There he is. Michael Sherman, everybody. Happy New Year, everybody. A woman at the home told police that one of the children told her they were beaten because they would not tell Davis, Austin Davis, the name of the man. He's 32 years old. They would not tell Davis who passed gas in the car of the man, he's 32 years old, they would not tell Davis

who passed gas in the car. The woman showed God damn it, which one of you farted in this video? It's so funny, it's such a funny situation. Get rid of my flannel! Fuck these kids, man. Ratting out their dad. The women showed deputies photos of multiple bruises on the child's legs. The picture showed a six-year-old with

several bruises on the buttocks, legs, and thighs, and the 12-year-old had bruises on the legs and thighs. I feel like that's exactly how Henry orders at every Kentucky Fight for a chicken. I like the kids not ratting each other out and then banding together to rat out the dad. I think that's pretty funny. But here's the thing. The nine-year-old refused to have pictures taken of the injuries for fear of retaliations if Davis found out that they reported the incident.

I think he was actually just afraid that he might fart in the photographer's face because it was him! It was the nine-year-old who tooted. It was always the middle child. You always know who it is by the one who you watch. The dad is stressed out as hell. I blame Glenn Beck for this entire thing.

It would be kind of amazing if finally when he grabbed the nine-year-old and started beating him and he started farting uncontrollably as he's beating him. I did it, Danny! I did it! He's like, oh, Danny! Oh, dang it! It's a fart attack! Fart attack! Best defense! If you're ever getting hurt or stabbed or somebody has a gun in your face,

just start farting profusely. I guarantee you they will laugh and leave. It was the invisible farting ape of DeLand, Florida. He always crawled into a bar at Christmas time. Obviously, it's all the pressure. It's the pressure of Christmas. Sometimes you just got to beat the shit out of your kids. You can't beat his wife, but his kids are his property in Florida, so you can beat the

shit out of them. You can't pay your gas bill. You're driving down the road in complete silence. You love in the silence because everyone's just been shut up. You've been playing. You made them all shut up finally for the day. They've been screaming and talking the whole time. You're like, y road in complete silence You're loving the silence You made them all shut up Finally for the day They've been screaming and talking the whole time

They're all laughing It wasn't me It certainly never been me Young father I feel like it's a very valid reason To slap your child around. Just a touch. You hit your friend. That's right. You would hit

your friend. Stop hitting each other. If you farted and we didn't claim it. Did you guys play doorknob growing up? Oh yeah, you fart and then you gotta grab the doorknob. They beat the shit out of you. Safety. Girls don't play those games. It just became a habit to just fart and go, safety.

Even by yourself announced the middle of class, just, safety! I was with my grandmother one time, and we were driving in her Mercury Sable, and I was in the backseat with my friend Matt Shulis, and I'll tell you, I had a real shitstorm going on. Her great punishment, it wasn't so physical, but she had a thing of Glade,

the air freshener. She just sprayed it for about five minutes back there like we were dumb mosquitoes about to die. And she rolled up the windows and locked them. Which I thought, I mean, you could murder somebody doing that. Yeah, that's horrible. Yeah, but you guys all got high.

The chemical warfare version of what this father did. She made you, oh, and holy shit, is this your German grandmother? No, no, no okay i was about to say there's so much gas chamber shit oh no it was very successful do not use the secret on hon fucking labeled silvercast in sixth grade my friend's uh parents took us to myrtle beach and we rode that pirate ship you know that goes around and around oh yeah terrifying there's nobody at the park and so we rode that like 10 times in know, that goes around and around. Oh, yeah. Terrifying. There was nobody at the park.

And so we rode that like 10 times in a row. And it was time to go home. And I barfed in his mom's purse. Yeah. Yeah. Jackie, we did a podcast. We did an episode of Brain and the Beast, you and Holden's former podcast. Endeavor, yes.

And Jackie drank so many Red Bull latkes that we went into the cab, and she threw up in her own purse. Why did you tell this story? I've been getting guest drunk ever since. But the thing is, it's like, oh, do I throw up in someone else's car, or do I throw up all over my things? It's a very humble thing to do, to vomit in your own purse. No doubt about that. I had to throw everything away. I had to wash off my Social Security card and hang it up, because that shit's not laminated.

It's illegal to do. And it's hard to remember those nine numbers. I just feel like the mouse company that is like social security card hanging company. I just feel like mice should just do that for you. Just scamper around. I vomited all over my purse and all over my small thing. Take care of my things, mice. We've got a hotline.

Marcus, what's happening, bud? Hello, social Security Card. Wait, wait. I'm sorry. I saw the picture too early. A California woman named Modupe Aduni Martin. Martin, though. Martin's a good American last name.

Modupe will spend nine months in jail after investigators discovered she was faking a foot injury when they saw her performing a sex act she couldn't do without two good ankles. Oh, I thought it was when she couldn't call out a fire. What was it? And here is a picture of Modupe. Of the sex act.

You can check the Roundtable Facebook page for a picture of Modupe. Modupe looks like she should be voiced over by Eddie Murphy. She looks like a combo of Prince and Martin Lawrence. Modupe looks like an African-American goat woman. I feel like this is a John Sally character. It's very interesting. Modupe, you can see how dumb she is just by looking at her. Yeah, I got horse lip.

Whatever. My eyes don't work. Martin, 29, of Hayward. Give me the Bieber, but none of the class of the Bieber. Was employed as a custodian for the Sequoia Union High School District. Yes, she is a janitor. Oh, no. That's a good profession, though.

Was she doing it at the high school? Uh-huh. Was she performing the sex act at the high school? No, no, no. I'll get to that. Someone call Madupe in here to clean up all this throw up. Someone has thrown up inside of the lunch fucking trays.

She took the day off. She got a bad ankle. She claimed to injure her ankle on the job. She said she couldn't walk and even used crutches to visit 10 doctor's appointments over six months. She used the insurance claims to collect workman's comp benefits for months. Smart. But her lies

began to unravel when the district attorney's fraud unit started checking in on her story with hidden cameras around the doctor's offices. On several occasions, she was caught leaving on foot without the age of crutches. In one particularly damning moment, she even threw the crutches into the backseat of her car,

drove to a nearby gas station, changed into high heels, then ran to a nearby public park. Here's where it gets interesting. She shouldn't get arrested. She should get into SAG! She put on high heels to do this. It sounds like Mrs. Doubtfire. She met her boyfriend there, and the pair

performed what prosecuting attorneys described as a sexual act that could not be performed on an injured ankle. What does that mean? Is there like a woman on top? I know what it is. He's behind her. He's grabbing onto her shoulders,

lifting his legs up, and then she holds both of them. She's doing a self-helicopter. You're right. It's the Frodo and Samwise version of them. She's doing a self-helicopter. You're right. Oh, my goodness. It's the Frodo and Samwise version of sex. Oh, maybe.

I can't carry it, but I can carry you. Now, fuck me, you bastards. I bet it's one leg up, like, way, way high like this. Yeah. His feet are balanced on her feet. She's lying on her back, holding him up with all her weight with her feet as are balanced on her feet. She's lying on her back, holding him up with all her weight with her feet as he stands on her feet. He pisses all over her

back. You can do that with a bad ankle. It's missionary style. He's got both of her feet in his hands and he's just rolling the ankles. He's got good ankles. She does not seem to be squirming whatsoever Baby, your ankles are so good God, these ankles are not broken whatsoever

This cannot be done with an injured ankle Why would you go through the time to have crutches in public And then fuck in a public park? What are you thinking? I'm guaranteeing you, though, she had a bum ankle at some point. She did, right? And then it got better, but she just really fell accustomed to not working. And I think that that's her right.

Yeah, Mon Dupe. What's her name? Mon Dupe. Mon Dupe. Which I think is a powerful name and a strong name. I mean, yeah, if you're an African goddess, but she's not. Her mouth can't close all the way. Manoube was a character from

Martin Lawrence's sitcom, right? Is that real? You mean Monique? You could also take all the African out of her name and make it Madape Adani. Which I think is fine. I think it's a powerful name. It really only aids in how stupid she looks.

If I hadn't looked at the picture beforehand, because her name could have been Amy, and she would look just as fucking idiotic as she does. She does look like a mud duppy. Yeah. She looks very... She looked like a mud duppy. She came out and her mom was like,

this looks like a mud duppy. Oh, my God. It's a neighbor of a dupe. We're seeing if you want to weigh in on this. Mud duppy. Have you seen the picture's neighbor Madupe. Mudduppy. Have you seen the picture, Mike? Yeah, she's ugly. Yes, she is.

Yes, she is. She is ugly! Mudduppy. She looks like the normal faces from the one Twilight Zone episode where they give her... Oh, a beauty's an eye, the beholder? No, but this is garbage, though, because they knew that she wasn't injured for a very long time. They chose to wait until she was blowing her

God knows doing what with the wonderful man that she loved in a park. Give a fuck. They don't care. Look at her. They're just waiting for something juicy so they can have an interesting report. There's nine people who gotta read that report. She does have an awesome hair style. Moe Dupe?

You should. Dup-eat us. Moe Dupe. Moe Dupe, I think. Moe Dupe. I could go for a lot less Dupe. I'm not clapping for it. I'm not clapping for it.

We gotta move on after that one. That's it. That's the way we have to move on now. A man has been accused of trying to drown his wife in their pet dog's water bowl because she undercooked his pizza. His pizza? She undercooked his pizza? How do you undercook pizza?

Repeat this. He's a fucking wop. How much water was in that water bowl? Do you want me to repeat that? I do want you to repeat that. Wait, can I just say something? Undercooked pizza is infuriating. It's sloppy.

A man has been accused of trying to drown his wife in their pet dog's water bowl because she undercooked his pizza. And I heard it right. I bet you'll never undercook that pizza again. That's hard to get that getter down to the water bowl. How big was the bowl? How big is the dog? And this is also Florida.

Orange City, Florida. Turns out the dog drank out of the pool? How big is the dog? And this is also Florida. Orange City, Florida. Turns out the dog drank out of the pool, which is very interesting. Richard Watson was arrested after allegedly attacking his wife, Debra. Moe Dupay. What? I could go for some less Dupay. Oh, man, Henry. God, can we just go back and just replay that again really quick?

Henry, so Moe Dupay. No, no. You know, but I could go for some less DuPay. There's an alive baby inside the dumpster. That's a little hidden gem out there for the long-time listeners. The pair had begun to argue after Mr. Watson apparently accused her

of undercooking his pizza dinner and threw his plate at the front door. This ain't no DiGiorno. According to the police report... Oh, yeah, it's for DiGiorno. This ain't no DiGiorno! According to the police report... Oh, yeah, it's for DiGiorno! You got me with DiGiorno! Don't you know that G is hard? According to the police report,

Mr. Watson then grabbed his wife and forced her head down to the dog's water bowl after she had thrown her own plate to the ground. That's not attempted murder. Mrs. Watson told police that she heard... No, he's charging you with attempted murder. We need to hear from Attorney Racine.

Yeah, Counselor Racine, what is... He was trying to kill... He's giving her a drink of water after the pizza. He threw the plate down, too. They were having a good time. He said as he was doing it, I'm going to kill you. Everybody, he said that all the time.

What did he mean it? If he was going to kill, he wasn't. How do you drown somebody in a dog's water dish? The thing just, this is strangler to death. I don't think he's that stupid. He's eating food. He picks up a sandwich and goes, I'm going to kill you and eats it. And you know what?

I do have some dimensions of the water bowl. Five inches across and three inches deep. That's what women do. They take something you say and change the context of it. Fuck you. And then he tried, and then after she broke free, he tried to strangle her

after that. See, that's fine, but I've had my face shoved into a plate of food before. What was the plate of food that you were shoved into? It was like a meat. It's like a steak. It's like, eat more. Love it. Did it feel like you were trying to be killed?

It's like the youngest son from A Christmas Story. How do piggies eat? How do piggies eat? I was honestly listening to this, and if it wasn't a crime, and if it wasn't a crime like if it wasn't a crime story I'd be like that's kind of hot especially if you banged her

while you were pushing her face into the water well it's extremely hot if they don't have a dog yeah if you ever go to a couple's house and they just have a bunch of dog bowls oh where's the dog is the outside that's for Susie come right here the The air conditioner's

over here. I need you to fix it. It's the only piece that I'd have in my home. It's the air conditioner repairman. Well, his defense. He does have a defense for this. He said that he had only held his wife in order to prevent her from breaking any more dishes. To stop her from burning his pizza again.

She didn't even burn it. It was undercooked. Mr. Watson said he never hit her and then she, quote, gets mad for no reason. Do you know how easy it is to cook pizza properly, though? Honestly? Yeah.

You need a pizza stone. My family made pizza for years. Never undercooked. And when you say your family is relatively brilliant or relatively average? It's fucking stupid. It's stupid.

A bunch of stupid wops. I love the word wops. Yeah. Yeah, I like it. It really is great. It's stupid. A bunch of stupid wops. I love the word wops. Yeah. Is it a stamp or something? Wop. Without papers. Oh, is that what it is? I never knew that.

So can Mexicans be wops? No. Not when a white man says it. I guess, technically. What about Guinea? Where does Guinea come from? Guinea, they used to work for a guinea a day on the Suez Canal. Wow.

And Dago? I don't know. Okay. For Wap Dago, which I mentioned. That's why I don't like... Italianos. Where does that come from? Does that stand for something?

But that's why I don't really like when these white people throw the word Wap around, because that's like me saying spic, you fucking cracker dick. Well, I just't want to apologize can we get real for a second no but you guys love to use the word WAP like it's not a slur I don't know if people do I don't care it's funny

I never hear on the outside I think I talked about this on another podcast that I heard a 19 year old girl say the word SPIC and I was like I only hear that in the outside. I think I talked about this on another podcast and I heard a 19-year-old girl say the word spick and I was like, I only hear that in my household. I feel weird when I hear it outside of the household. The word spick actually says spick not out of racism just because she doesn't know how to classify spick. There are so many of them.

They are called spicks. I only like to use the term wop when I'm at Burger King and I say, and I give you a wop me. And the word spick should only be said when immediately followed by and span. Spick and span. Oh, spick and span. I thought WAP and span. Spick and span with something fucking clean.

I went WAP and span. No, spick and span. Also, I've never said spick and span before. You've never heard that before? I've heard of it, but I... Spick and span. There's nothing outrageous about spick and span like Coon's age. Coon's age is another non-racist term.

We're moving on. Let's move on to more racist stuff. No, let's move on. Not racist. We're going to stay away from that. Why? A Texas man has been... Sorry to make you uncomfortable, Micah.

I know you love the racist stuff. I'll figure out a way to make this racist. Woodsy. A Texas man has been sentenced to... Was he black? No. Jesus. All right.

It's a Texas man. I'm sorry. They don't... Yeah, they're not allowed. Was he hanging from a tree? No, no, no, no. What is wrong with you? I was joking around.

I was joking around. It's an edit point. It's an NPR. I'm blaming the media. I'm blaming Django and James. I'm blaming Tarantino for that. It's an edit point. It's an edit point. I'm blaming the media. I'm blaming Django on James. I'm blaming Tarantino for that. It was a Texas joke. It's a spigot span.

It's a spigot span joke. Jeez, clean it up. It was spigot span. The Texas man has been sentenced to 10 years in prison after pleading guilty to conspiring to have his estranged... God damn it. Sorry. prison after pleading guilty to conspiring to have his estranged God damn it. To conspiring to have his estranged Ukrainian mail-order bride kidnapped, stuffed in a crate, and shipped

to his home so he could poison her with lead. Wow! Why did you just kill her before you put her in the crate? He had very specific taste. Look at this, man. I mean, how long? Oh, he's nice. Oh, she's gorgeous. He's hot. Yeah, she's a gorgeous woman. Mic mean, how long? Oh, he's nice. Oh, she's gorgeous. He's hot.

Yeah, she's a gorgeous woman. Micah, how do you describe him? You would bang this guy if you were a Russian girl? Yeah, I would describe him as a disgraced Presbyterian minister. His name is David Sarton. Sarton? Yep. He came up with a plot to seek revenge on his mail-order bride, Elena Berry Kina, after

she broke off their relationship. Oh, okay. He looks like the guy your mom dates after somebody hits her. You know? Like a softer, nicer kid. Wearing really nice sweaters and stuff. He just got out of therapy. But he was caught when the hitmen he hired to carry out the plot happened to be undercover

federal agents. They always are. They always are, yeah. They always are. They are never hit men. Barry Keene. I'm Barry, Barry Keene on her. No!

No! No! I just walked Mike. Me not on up. Me not on up. And let it be said that right now both Ben and Mike have left us alone in here. I'm going to take a leak. I'll be right back. What are we going to do in here?

I think they're intimidated by all the comedy happening in here. Yeah! Put her to great... Lauderville! Charles Chaplin! Oh, man. What is happening? We take off a week.

Well, Sarton's ordeal began when he struck up a relationship with blonde Elena Barikina after contacting her through a dating website and sending her $50,000. He traveled to Ukraine six times to meet her, believing that they would get married and live together in Houston, Texas. But the pair fell out when Saren discovered she was sleeping with her Russian boyfriend, Ark Ovrotsky. Whoa. Is there a picture of Ark?

There is no picture of Ark. Damn, that's hot. His middle name is Of? Ark Ovrotsky. I think they had a falling out when she saw Houston, Texas. Oh, she's hot. Yeah, she's really hot. So is he. And he has not met her six times. Oh, this guy is pathetic Yeah, she's really hot. So is he. And he has not met her. He met her six times. Oh, this guy is pathetic.

Thinking that he could get a Russian babe like that. She's really hot. Is that their child? Who's that kid? That's her relative. Oh my god. What is this guy thinking? I mean, how ignorant of a man and how douchey do you have to be to have to go to a other country that doesn't speak the American language to get an

attractive woman? Just buy one here. Buy one here. That's right. Here's where it gets a little serial killer-y. He tried to pay federal agents posing as a criminal game 50 grand to kidnap Miss Barry Keena and deliver her to a specially adapted room in his house where he would get, quote,

at least a week out of her before killing her with lead. Oh, this guy's a serial killer. It's not just that he cannot... He is a person who probably cannot meet a woman at least a week out of her before killing her with lead. Oh, no. Oh, this guy's a serial killer. He's not a serial... It's not just that he... It's that he cannot... He is a person who probably cannot meet a woman

to save his life. Because he has no personality whatsoever. Don't they screen the guys who are buying these mail-order brides? No. God, no.

But he spent, like... Like, look at this. They were saying $15,000 in jewelry. Yeah. All this stuff. He spent probably close to $100,000 just taking care of her. So it's like he spent

the money. That's what this arrangement is for. It's that he spent an hour worth of money. He is embarrassed. She was fucking another man. She couldn't even fake love him enough even for a second to stop fucking her Russian dude. It's the same argument, though, that parents have with their kids when it's like

you're a 17-year-old boy. You hate your goddamn father because he's a total schmuck. God knows what Republican principles he has. And then your father's like, but I paid for everything. I bought you everything. And then you get super upset. No, it's different because that's your father and that's a relationship that you can't bring to your 18.

This is something you're doing specifically. He also paid for living and school expenses as well as photo shoots, record productions, and a website for a singing career. You were used, dude. Get the fuck over it. I'm sure he baned her. If you baned her three times, I'm like, all that money was worth it.

That guy can't get pussy without some major cash being laid down on the table. That's probably true, but also I could just see that it's the embarrassment. There was nothing greater when I went to Wausau Community College. And the head guy in our dorm, he got the Russian bride as well. She was there for two days. How is this still allowed? Well, it's no longer allowed because Putin put the kibosh

on adoptions and I assume the Russian bride adopted. That has nothing to do with it. You make an ass out of you and me when you assume, Kissel. Oh, you're so fucking Oh, you got it Yeah, they met on a dating website You better step your game up in 2013, Kissel I will, I will, I will

You're burned left and right I'll be dead by then Yeah, they met through a dating website called Dream Marriage Well, it is a dream marriage Because it's never going to be in reality I'm sorry, Mike Did I hear that right? Well, it is a dream marriage because it's never going to be in reality. I'm sorry, Mike. Did I hear that right?

That he made a special room to get a week out of her? Yes. What does that mean? He built a room onto his house so he could torture and fuck this woman for a week. He's David Parker Ray with money. What was in the room? It doesn't say. Why not?

Maybe he would just get a week out of her. Literally just a week out of marriage It's just a room with no food This man was going to murder this woman It was great though When the head RA in this Wausau community college She was there for two days And he was talking about it for about eight weeks

She was there for two days and ran away And then he was like APB And had all these wanted posters out there for him What are these guys thinking? Why would they imagine that some woman in Russia who was gorgeous would immediately fall in love with some random Texan? Well, here's a little bit of the guy's history. Who likes pussy that much?

Here's a little bit of the history. Sarton's wealthy ex-wife said he had received $400,000 from a divorce settlement with her. She was a retired oil executive who was married to him for 11 years. She said, I was 13 years older than him

and he played me for a fool. Now he's met somebody a little smarter than him. Oh, he's Kelsey Grammer's wife. He's Camille Grammer. What? Real housewives. Okay. What? I followed it. Thank you. I'm ashamed of it, but I understand. What? I followed it.

Thank you. I'm ashamed of it, but I understand. This is pathetic, though. This guy's a total schmuck. Well, you know, but I do understand why he'd flip out so hard. Yeah, because he's a fucking psychopath. It's his ex-wife's money. His ex-wife should be the one freaking out.

What discussion are we having right now? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, because really, he only paid not even half of that divorce settlement on this Ukrainian woman. Yeah, and I think he was going to torture and kill her in this room that he made for her. That guy is not good with money. If what you want is to torture and kill somebody, just go out and bonk somebody over the head. There are plenty of people around. Also, there are how many fucking homeless people that no one would ever know that they're

And that paper trail that leads back to this lady. If I ever knew about a woman getting... He didn't set out to kill her. He didn't set out to kill her. He was going to kill her, though. No. He was set... But he went over there six times to meet her family?

Yeah. Because of that Ark of Rutsky guy. Yeah. And what's he doing? Where is Rutsky? Laughing his way to the bank. I bet he's sexy. I bet he is sexy.

Mike, what are you going to do with this chick? Mike, how do you feel about this guy? You're a very misogynistic fellow. You don't particularly like the female gender. I don't think that's true. Do you side with this guy? But let's just say it is. Yeah, I totally side with this guy. Good for him!

Bravo! Good work, guy. Is anybody siding with this guy? No! I'm just saying I can understand why he's so mad. Which is even so silly that you shouldn't say that. I can't understand why he's so mad.

He brought this upon himself, though. There's no sympathy to be had. I don't have genuine sympathy. Henry, what do I have to do to get into the rapist union? I'm just like a struggling rapist. I'm a struggling rapist out there. I'm really looking to get into the union.

Step one, dude, you've got to be a rapist. Step number one. You can't be in the plumber's union. Yeah, it's like the Screen Actors Guild. We have to do so many rapings before you can actually get in. And then it costs $4,000. Oh, man. And then we get $4,000. Oh, man. And then we get a percentage of all your rapes from then on out.

Would you be sure how it works? But guys who do this kind of stuff to women are just weak dudes. Yeah, they're awful people. And guys who rape are just weak. This guy's father even weighed in on it and called him lonely. Yes. He's a very sad, horrible man. It's very sad. His life is very horrible.

What does he do for a living? Nothing. Oh, that's right. Yeah, he just spends his wife's money. He's living off his ex-wife's leavings. It's like, were you guys in town for SantaCon? Oh, yeah, we were here. I stayed here in Long Island City.

Is there an actual conference, or people just go out? It's guys who dress up like Santa, and they probably think they're going to get laid, Is there an actual conference or people just go out? It's guys who dress up like Santa and they probably think they're going to get laid. But guys who are that desperate for pussy that they'll do that are the ones who end up raping people. Because they go, I fucking dressed up like Santa. And now I'm not going to get any. You know what I mean? You're a fucking horrible person. I'll say this.

When I was in college, the only time I ever got lucky, and I'm going to put that in quotation marks, I'd go out to the bar to get lucky. You do great with girls now, right? I'm okay with women now. But you date women. Yeah, I know how to... You don't just bang whatever fucking like, you know, that you could pick up.

You make it sound so evil, Henry. I know how to treat people like people now. But the only time I'd ever get lucky was when I would dress in a tuxedo or like... Yeah, but that's not honest fucking. What do you mean it's not honest fucking? What's honest fucking? It's not honest fucking. The penis went inside the vagina.

When you do something and you bend for a girl and you go, okay, does this make you happy? Both of you are unhappy. Both of you don't want that. Then I agree with you. What's your perfect date that ends up with you fucking this chick or this perfect situation? I get laid when I don't need it. When I act like I don't

need it. So I have to convince myself that I don't need it. Why did you bring the Furby back in? Why did you bring it back in? What is wrong with you, Jack? we were just getting into this with Mike. It's sleeping. Oh, is it asleep? Well, it's gonna wake the fuck up very soon because everyone's, he's around a loud a lot of drunk uncles. No, it's only until you touch him.

Don't worry, I'll trigger him when I want to. Marcus, are there any other news stories? I got one. I got one more. A young woman riding the train in Chicago was viciously attacked by a man brandishing a sock filled with human feces.

That's my sock! Bring me my sock back! Can you repeat that? A young woman riding the train in Chicago was viciously attacked by a man brandishing a sock filled with human

feces. I wonder how he got the feces into the sock. I think it was his. You can shit into a sock. I wouldn't

shit into a I didn't know that. I wouldn't shit into a sock. Don't go fucking high and mighty with me. I've never shit

into a sock but I imagine you could just shove it up. You just kind of put it over your anus. See I would shit into a bowl and use a spoon. Put the shit in the sock.

Sure. What I would do is I'd take like a ring, like a vacuum cleaner ring, you know, wrap the sock around that, take a chopstick, put that up inside the anus, so you're sure not to get any spillage. Hell yeah. Yeah, you're right. Give the most amount of food possible. And you let it not to get any spillage. Yeah, you're right. Get the most amount of food possible.

Then you let it blop, blop, blop. But then you wear it around underneath hammer pants for the rest of the day. And nobody knows but you. I didn't have a great idea. And those pants are so in style right now that no one would ever know. Yeah, that's true. We'd thank Cy for that.

Hey, man, them sick-ass pants. You smell like dookie. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I guess you'd smell like shit. Yeah, you would. That would be kind of funny. You'd smell like a horse. To swing shit at somebody.

That fly-looking motherfucker over there. Smells so like a dookie. I guess you'd have to put a newspaper bag inside the shirt. Or put it in a Ziploc. Dryer sheets. Dryer sheets. I mean, is this the worst thing to be hit with? Is a sock full of shit the worst thing to be hit in the face with?

Yes, I think it's pretty bad. A sock full of quarters? Here's what happened to the woman. I'd say a baseball hat filled with blood. Close second. Wait, did you ever see that movie Narc with Ray Liotta when he beats,

he puts a billiard ball in his sock and beats the guy? Oh yeah, I saw that. I love Ray Liotta so much. And this is one of his best roles but I would just imagine

that scene if the sock was filled with shit. Oh fuck. I would say maybe a top coat lined with vomit. If you're getting classy.

Well the woman said that the human excrement got everywhere, quote, on my face, my hair, my clothes. Everywhere. Literally everywhere. On the seat, on my pants, on my beret, on my watch. Into my bra. Everywhere. Literally everywhere. Here's the man

on the screen over here. That guy's just having a good time. He looks like a panda. He kind of looks adorable. Don't you like my poo-poo sock? He's got a big white fuzzy hat on. Oh my god, and his coat has pee and pee on it. Is this pee-pee? He's wearing a panda. He kind of looks adorable. Don't you like my poo-poo sock? He's got a big white fuzzy hat on. Oh my god, and his coat has pee and pee on it. Is this pee-pee? He's wearing a poo-poo coat. He's wearing a poo-poo coat.

Poo-poo coat. You got a poo-poo coat. And you just got poo-poo. And you just got poo-poo. He's the new Ashton Kutcher. You see a guy with a poo-poo coat on. You're on poo on poopoo coat. No cameras.

What's this show all about? Wow, basically he's hit you in the face with my poopoo. Wow, that sounds good. The woman is full of socks with shit in it. I got a poopoo coat. I'm trying to pee in my glove, but all the pee is soaked in the glove. It's just a hot, soaked glove. You should have seen me last season

where it was puke hat. Puke hat was very weird. The woman said... I like that there's seasons to this prank. I did pee glove. I did puke hat. Now you own shit sock. The woman was quoted as saying,

he had a sock full of his poop on me. How did she know? Coming in right at the end. What a victim. What does she need to be victimized with? Because, I mean, hey, what happened? What happened, Bethany? Oh, poop, poop, poop.

How did she know it was his poop? This is another great quote. It was like the biggest degradation I've ever experienced. Poop-a-cut! And my favorite, I wish he had just hit me. How many men would love to hear a woman say that? Oh, man. The offense when a woman is just like,

I wish you would have just violently hit me in the face. I mean, violence against women is not funny. Yeah, but poo-poo on women is pretty great. Yeah, of course. What's worse than getting hit by a stranger? Hit with his poo-poo.

Sock full of shit. How does Mr. Poo-poo Coat get on the train and select his victim? I'm pretty guilty. I always just get the first lady to smell it. Is that poo-poo?

Well, the thing is that he swings it around. He swings it around and the first person is like, hey, he's a bunch of shit in that sock. He gets nailed with it. Yeah!

He's an old-time Englishman checking his checking his poopoo socks like a pocket watch. Soco, get to square. Poopoo coat, don't play that. Now you can look at it like you lost, or you can look at it like you won. Well, here's the timeline on it. He's the next Bond villain. The young woman said that she came to the Midwestern city several weeks ago to fill an in-home childcare position and was riding east into the city from the suburban Oak Park.

Oh, new to Chicago. She said that the day of the attack, she boarded the train, sat down, and began texting. Her assailant got on the train at the same stop. Poo-shago. It was the next stop where the man allegedly took a feces-filled sock and began attacking the woman, quote, he had a sock full of his poop on me. How did she know it was his poop? Shit cargo.

I like that they called it a vicious beating. That seems like he's not reluctant at all. It sounds like you passed out or something. It's like, no, he's just got hit with shit. I am never going to take the scat line again. The brown line. They're definitely riding the brown line in Chicago. Shit on ya!

Riding the old D train. I was definitely riding the brown line. It's Chicago. Shit on ya! Ah, shit on ya. Riding the old D train. I was wondering why the scat line was free. Dookie, dookie, dookie, dookie. And now we got a segment from Micah Sherman. Oh, right. Now, this is, my question, this is the last podcast of 2012. This is the last podcast of 2012.

Yeah. So it better be fucking good, Micah, because you've had since the beginning of the show to figure it out. You've had 59 minutes to come up with a segment. I guarantee you that's more time than Holden has. What has ever once spent in the entire segment? In total, in all the 150-some episodes. So here's the segment!

Wow! All right, so you have to pitch to Marcus. Can I wake up the Furby? No. No, of course not. Or pitch the Furby. Yeah, let's pitch that in the garbage. Oh, come on.

Thanks a lot, Furby. I'll be here for the rest of the year. Moe Dupe. Moe Dupe, no problems. But then less Dupe. You know what was so funny about it, Micah, is you have Moe Dupe. So you're thinking more Dupe. It's like more Dupe.

But then he follows that up with, let's do less dupe. So you have to pitch to Marcus a holiday movie of your choosing, and you have to cast everybody in here as the archetypal characters in that holiday movie. Okay. Okay. That's a lot for me to wrap my brain around. Could you send that one more time? All right.

We're creating a holiday movie. You know, like Miracle on 34th Street. Love Actually. Sure. Is that a holiday movie? Yeah. I got one. Ghost of Girlfriends Past. I don't recommend it. Once Bitten?

With Jim Carrey? That's not a holiday movie. I mean, not a Christmas movie. Buckaroo Banzai? No, that's a Halloween movie. That's not a, I mean, not a Christmas. Buckaroo Banzai? It's a Halloween. No, Buckaroo, you just name it movies. No, that's a Halloween movie. Yeah, no. And, uh.

50 First Dates. Nope. Nope. Wow. So is this a, I'm sorry, guys. Okay. So name a holiday movie that he does. Let's just say holiday or Christmas.

Let's just say, say some words to Marcus, and we'll see who does the best. Okay. Let me try. I have an idea. All right. Okay. So, Frost the Snowman, right? Yeah, I've heard of him.

He gets a little fresh with one of the parents of the kids, and so they burn him down with a blowtorch. Sure. Right? His spirit is alive. It's fresh. Starts taking over various things in the house. Like Frost the Snowman's spirit goes into the toaster.

It goes in the refrigerator. It's a toaster all wet. All the house. Like Frosty the Snowman's spirit goes into the toaster. Goes in the refrigerator. All the stuff. Through this process, Frosty the Snowman learns to not be a rapist anymore. Oh, is he a rapist? He was a child rapist. Didn't you see Jack Frost? Yes. What happens is that spirit

inhabits things in the house. And a young blind boy named Modupe. Modupe. That sings Christmas Shoes. Sir, I want to buy these shoes. And they learn to be friends, platonic friends, for the first time in his life.

So there's no sex involved? No, it's like a romantic comedy between this untethered snowman spirit and a child. The first unsexual relationship he's ever had with a child. He learns how you can just be friends. But he eventually has sex with a child. Spoiler alert! No, no, no.

He seduces the mother in the form of the refrigerator. Marcus runs the studio, by the way. Can you make it palatable to the urban market? You make the voice black. I got one for the urban market. I like it. You also have to cast the people in the room.

This is a lot. This is what we would do. Micah is the voice of Frosty the Snowman doing a stereotypical black person's voice. Can you do that, Micah? There you go. I'm Frosty the Snowman, doing a stereotypical black person's voice. Can you do that, Micah? Hey, hey, hey. There you go.

I'm Frosty the Snowman. I want to fuck you. Jackie is a 900-pound homeless woman who lives at the bottom of this lake. She's like, man, she's out there. She's barely in the film. Uh-huh. Me! Don't kill me! Racine is the blind boy.

Falls in love with Frosty Stoneman. Kissel is the refrigerator. We dress him as a refrigerator. The voice comes through. Voice over on mic on top of it. I play chief of police. Hold on, hold on. Am I? I'm the voice of the refrigerator,

but Ben is the guy in the refrigerator. Okay. And I'm the chief of police who looks good. He's got, I'm dating Carmen Electra, and it was who plays the wife of the chief of the police. So you're a 44-year-old British man. That side of the movie shows me

overcoming my alcoholism in order to re-fall in love with my previous wife, whose name is Carmen Electra, and we make love vigorously as the B-story. As the B-story. Okay, so I should probably amend this a little.

Yeah. I got it. Just say some words to Marcus. as the B story. As the B story. Okay, so I should probably amend this a little. Yeah. I think the whole... I got it. Yeah. Just say some words to Marcus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I thought that that was a powerful feature film. Yeah, what's yours?

Mike, what's yours? All right. It's called The Last Hanukkah. Oh, Jesus Christ. I think I don't like where this is going. Is this a Holocaust thing? No, but Obama wants to cancel Hanukkah. As he should.

Because it's so great. He's got to stop. There's these kids who want to keep it going. Obama has to stop those kids from saving Hanukkah. So the hero of the movie is Barack Obama. Yeah. Okay, well, I I gotta tell you this. I don't know how much

experience you have with Hollywood, but there are a large number of Jewish ladies and gentlemen. So... Maybe. Micah. Oh!

I don't know what we're doing Yeah I thought I knew what we were doing And then I don't think I did know I got a weird one It doesn't make any sense Holden's really good at this Well no Santa Claus dies

He's dead he was originally played by Henry Now you're fucking dead you died at the beginning of the movie And so... Santa Claus dies, okay? He is dead. He was originally played by Henry. Now you're fucking dead. He died at the beginning of the movie. And so Mrs. Claus, who is played by Marcus, needs a new Santa Claus. Hello! There you go. She looks to Rudolph. She goes, Rudolph, who was Ben Kissel, I need you

to help me find a new man. She ends up falling in love with Rudolph. Yeah. Micah and Mike, you play the head elf, Micah. And Mike, you play all of the other reindeers. And what you guys do is you get a butcher boy and set us. You eat them all until you get poisoned. You trip your way, have a huge fucking elf reindeer or you mizanna.

And then Christmas is over forever, and you guys just fuck in the Arctic. So it's like Days of Confused, but like with a bunch of like, fucking deer in it. Boosh! I can sell that. I listened to every word of that, and I have no idea

what you just said. I don't know what's going on. I can sell that. You know what's in right now? Cult Classics. There you go. That sounds like a cult classic. I don't know what's going on. I can sell that. You know what's in right now? Cult classics. I got one. Jackie's number one right now. O.J. is number one. Man, I stepped out there. I took the bullet.

You took way too many hits. O.J. Simpson gets out of prison. Yeah, you'll meet a real Christmas. He's played by Henry. O.J. Christmas. Yeah, you mean a real Christmas. He's played by Henry. OJ Christmas.

And he and Monica Lewinsky elope. Please let me play Monica Lewinsky. Monica Lewinsky is played by Marcus. No! Hello! And the whole thing is him just always having too small of gloves. Damn, my hands are cold. He can never cover his thumbs.

Condoms are too small. Pants are too small. Okay. I wish I could find a hat. Condoms are too small. Pants are too small. Okay. I wish I could find a hat. My hat's too big. OJ ends up murdering Ben Kissel. As Ben Kissel? Literally Ben Kissel. It's a snuff film.

He murders Ben. He murders Ben. And then... I was one of your biggest supporters, Mr. Simpson. What? Who was that Ben Kissel character? I was one of your biggest supporters, Mr. Simpson Who was that Ben Kissel character That you just wanted I was one of your biggest supporters

It's a quote from his like thievery trial Burglary trial It's a detective movie It's up to two cops who are working overtime Around Christmas time Me and Mike And Mike is the Mark Furman Ooh

Racist cop Now am I a white OJ Simpson Yes You and Mike, and Mike is the Mark Furman. Ooh. Furman style cop. Racist cop. Now, am I a white OJ Simpson? Yes. You are. You are. You are. You are.

You are. You are. You are. You are. You are. You are. You are. You are.

Because we don't want to do blackface. No, no, no. We just want to... Yeah. You have to wear a name tag that says OJ Simpson. Hello, my name is Orenthal James Simpson. Yes. Hello, yes, I played for the football.

The Buffalo football? Yes. Everybody calls you Orenthal. Yes. Hello, yes, I played for the football. The Buffalo football? Yes. Everybody calls you Orenthal. Yes. Orenthal. Oh, I'll tell you, couldn't I run? Okay, is that the end of it? What kind of cop do I play?

Oh, oh, you play a dumb cop. Yeah. You're a fucker. What? You don't win and I win. What? Wake up, Furby. Why do you have the Furby?

Don't wake up the Furby. Well, this is my Christmas movie. That Furby becomes alive, starts murdering everybody in this room. But fortunately for me, it's taken a shining to my great personality and sparkling wordplay. And me and the Furby live forever and ever and ever and ever. And you guys are all dead corpses full of blood. And liver chunks are all over the floor. You got tied into the holidays.

Happy Christmas. Ben wins. Yes! Come on! Wonderful. All right. Well, I guess that's going to... All right.

That's Jenkins and Browski. Thank you, Henry. Thank you for being here, Mike. Micah Sherman. Marcus Parker. Ben Hassell. We'll talk to you guys very soon. you for being here, Mike. Micah Sherman, largest park up in the castle. We'll talk to you guys very soon. We'll have a great 2013. Excited to spend it with you guys.

Beautiful monsters. He loves everyone singing his song. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.A.