The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 128: Bread!

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 128th episode of the Round Table: a man is still on the loose after raping a miniature horse multiple times, a crafty cat is caught sneaking contraband into a Brazilian prison, and a bank robber in Seattle is caught masturbating on the sidewalk. Joining us today: Seaton Smith and Doug & Bill! They come as a pair.

Hey Cave Comedy Radio fans, Marcus Parks here to tell you about something that's going on this weekend. That would be January 12th and 13th. Both the Roundtable of Gentlemen and the Last Podcast on the left are going to be a part of the New York City Podcast Festival held at The Pit 123 East 24th Street in Manhattan. Roundtable of Gentlemen is going to be going on at 7 p.m. on Saturday. And the Last Podcast on the left is going to be 3 p.m. on Saturday. And the last podcast on the left is going to be 3 p.m. on Sunday. If you go to thepit-nyc.com, you can buy tickets or just show up. Base a couple of bucks.

Not really sure what it is. Eight bucks? Something like that. Yeah, come on out. Have a good time. We'll see you there. Bye. Here's the roundtable.

The roundtable. Gentlemen. Hi. Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You got it. All right, Marcus. You're praying today. Well, instead of prayer, once again, I'm going to summon a demon. Alright. Anyone who would like to join me in summoning

the demon, place your fist on your chest. Once you have done this, on your heart. Take note that Kevin and I are not doing this. Kevin's just not paying attention. I'm down with it. I want to get the right side.

And this is for summoning hatred and energy. Okay. So after you've placed your hand over your chest, listeners, feel free to play along at home. Look deep inside of yourself, forcing your hate, sin, malice, and pure hatred, and speak forth these words. Hello, Seton. Hey, Seton. You're just in time for the summoning of the demon. If you would like to join,

place your fist over your heart. Alright, and speak forth these words. I, your name, my name, classic Animal House joke. And then I'll take it I. I. Your name. My name. Hold it. Classic Animal House joke.

Yeah. And then I'll take it from here. Just repeat it home if you like. Invoke the spirits who never sleep. And I invoke the hounds who sleep so quietly. I ask thee to lend me your hatred. Lend me your fire. Lend me your undying and limitless power. Bring me forth the power of destruction.

Bring me forth the power to smite down mine enemies, for I am a child of darkness, for I am your name. Hold in. Is this how the tea party started? Now bring forth this power to me, shall I do thou's

bidding? So mote it be! So mote it be! So mote it be! So mote it be! So mote it be! What does so mote it be mean? What is that? I don't know, but my chi is unclogged right now. Amen. Alright,

thank you, Marcus. You're really supposed to say amen at the end of that? I don't know. Amen! Hail Satan! Alright, there you go. Well, uh, sitting in here, we have a special episode tonight. Well, first of all, I have Seton Smith. Thanks for being here, Seton.

Thank you, everybody. You're always so attractive. Thank you. Yeah, you're never not attractive. I work on it. Oh, you work out. Every day. Isn't that something fun?

You do the opposite of what I do, which is why I look the opposite of how you do. And then, of course, we have Bill here. What's that? It's also the Negro blood. The Negro blood! Get some of that. Ben, that's how

bad things start. I can't do it? No. You can't get any of that. You can get it. I mean, you people have been taking it. I saw Django! I saw Django. I saw Django. And I want to take this to Kevin Barnett and Seton Smith.

I just want to take this time to say, man, the old times were great. It was amazing. All right. All right. Yeah. Back in the day when niggas could kill all the white people with no consequences. That's what I'm talking about. I was scared in the theater. I really was could kill all the white people with no consequences. That's what I'm talking about. I was scared in the theater.

I really was. I was the only white person there. That was the thing that was so crazy about it was Spike Lee was all tripping and everything, but the theater was full of black people. It was nothing but black people in there. They loved it. Every time they said nigga, black people laughed in that movie. Oh, my God.

There's a nigga on a horse. I died laughing. It was the funniest shit in the movie. Oh my god, there's a nigga on a horse! I died laughing. That was the funniest shit in the world. That was the first time I ever felt black guilt too, by the way. No, it was the funniest part when Leo DiCaprio was like when the girl was like you want me to treat him like white people?

He was like, no. And it was funny because you can't treat him like white people. You have to do a one hour session with Professor Dyson after you watch that movie. And by the way, the first time I've ever heard anyone say black guilt. Oh, there's a lot of black guilt. All right, let's get to the names here. So we got Jackie.

Yeah. Well, Kevin said I'm allowed to say I'm a really great nigga. Okay, well, I think that's fine. I'm sorry. I feel really good. After Django, I'm allowed to say it. Okay, well, I think that's fine. I'm sorry. I feel really good. After Django, I'm allowed to say it now, right? Sure. Isn't that what you're saying?

I don't think that was the message of the movie necessarily. Right. You're not the tiniest white woman. You're allowed to say whatever you want. You're right. I am Queen Latifah on the inside. That's right. Hey, the main thing that's important is conviction.

Just believe in yourself. You say it with a nigga question mark, people will talk about you. And then we got Bill in here, who is the father of Doug, who is the lead guitarist of the great group The Cowmen, which is, of course, sung with the lead singer there, Holden McNeely.

What? And the drummer. Is he not the lead singer? And then Marcus Parks on the drums. So thanks for being here, Doug. We're all lead singers. Yeah. Oh, my God. Is this going to be like a band thing? I mean, I sort of did the helm, though.

Sort of a front man situation. All right. Well, let's not have a Gallagher brother situation going on here. And then your father, Doug, your father, Bill, is here as well. Thanks for being here, Bill. Having a ball, let me tell you. NYC, it rocks. Bill, you're

an old radio man yourself. You used to do some radio for the Navy? Now I'm a civilian in the Navy. Civilian side, they kind of got rid of me a little bit. Can you give us your greatest morning zoo intro? Let's see. 1370 on the dial, you're listening

to Wild Bill Austin yakking at you till midnight. Was your name really Wild Bill Austin? It was, yeah. Bill, let me really get into your brain. How did you ever think of that name? Really, it was difficult. A lot of thought involved in that.

Do you think a porn star puts more pressure on herself to come up with a name than a radio disc job? Well, I would have loved to change it to Vicky Bad. That would have been better. You wanted to go with Vicky Bad? Last time I was here, yeah, I really liked that. Oh, of course, Vicky Bad, who's the stripper of Pat Dixon's Nearly Naked.

That's right. But my voice was a little bit too deep for that. Well, it's very nice to have a professional in the room for once. I mean, these guys are driving me nuts. All right, Marcus. What about these other two fans? All right, Holden, are you here? Fine.

All right, and Kevin, you're here as well. Yeah, I'm here, man. What's up? What is wrong? No, you guys are already talking. No, it's fine. It's just our show. It's good star power, but whatever.

With us as always, the newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? A man suspected of robbing a Seattle bank was caught masturbating on a sidewalk. And what police describe as a quote, stroke of luck. I love that pun he brings forth. Is this from the Post?

Yeah, it's from the Post. No, no, no, this is from the Seattle PI. There is nothing that... Yeah. Post intelligence. The suspect in a New Year's Eve robbery of a Capitol Hill bank was arrested after a passerby spotted him, quote, having a good time with himself in a doorway on New Year's Day, a Seattle police spokesman said in a statement.

The man is suspected of robbing a U.S. bank near the intersection of Broadway and East John Street. Police arrested the man. During a search of his person, they found money crammed into his pockets and hidden in the soles of his shoes. Oh. You know, that's a bank in 2013. He didn't take that much money if he's not fucking some slut in a hotel room right now,

I'm with you on that, and that's why, I mean, first of all, this, okay, is there any other profession that is leased, that you would want to hear leased do puns than the police officer? If a police officer's real punny with you, that's upsetting least do puns than the police officer. If a police officer is real punny with you, that's upsetting, right? Or like a ticket maid, someone like that. I feel like you can't do puns when you have a position of power. It's quite aggravating. And then second of all...

I think it's kind of fun. You think so? I think it makes them more of a real human being. At least if you can make a joke about me while they're arresting me, I'd be like, well, he's a human being. So they just arrested you for armed robbery. And what sort of puns are they going to be showing? And you're covered in shit.

You're covered in shit. Let's add in the layer. Shaking off. Yeah, yeah. And then the pun is like, oh, you're in deep crap now, and you're already covered in shit. And you're like, okay, thank you, officer. I would feel like I was in a Law & Order episode. It would be great.

You think so? Wait, couldn't this guy have ducked in an alley and smoked a cigarette instead of jack off? Well, here's the funny thing about it. He robbed the bank one day and then was arrested for masturbating at 12.30 p.m. the next day. Which is noon! They also assume that he was happy while he was masturbating. A lot of times you cry. Yeah, yeah.

Billy, you're on a naval vessel. When you're on a naval vessel, masturbating a lot of times you cry yeah yeah bill i mean you're in a naval vessel and when you're when you're on a naval vessel and you cry a lot you cry a lot and of course you have to masturbate there's not a lot of gals around and uh so you've physically well wept underneath the sea well masturbating which not a lot of people can say it's it's tough duty uh at sea absolutely once in a while you you've got to do it, and you cry. Absolutely. So what's going to... I mean, I figure when you're like down there, there's a lot of... I'm sorry, I'm not talking to the microphone. I feel like there's a lot of pressure down there.

Do you come quicker? That's interesting. Does it always just go right back into your body? Yeah, sometimes it goes back inside. And then you're pregnant, but with your own seed. Yeah, it's very scary. It feels like an Easter infection situation. No, it's like caked up, right?

Doesn't get some kind of buildup. I feel like the high of robbing a bank would be a little bit better than the high of just jacking off in the alleyway. Well, you'd think you'd jack off more that night. It's got to be like a different exhilaration. Well, you got to think he probably thinks he's invincible. Man, I fucking just robbed a bank. I'm going to jerk off at fucking noon, and they ain't going to catch me.

Do whatever I want. He was feeling cocky. See, if a police officer says that, you're going to be very upset. No, I think it would be great. All right. Actually, no, if a police officer did do that, that shit would be hilarious. Because think about it from the police officer's side, thinking about what he's going through. He's like, man, I got arrested.

On top of that, the police officers were fucking whack. Kept throwing all these puns out. Being pony cops. Yeah. That's very, very true. So what's going to happen to this guy? And what's the bigger offense? Robbing the bank or jacking off in public?

Robbing the bank. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely robbing the bank. That's four years. How much time do you get for masturbating in public? Well, let bank, absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's definitely robbing the bank. That's more years. How much time do you get for masturbating in public? Well, let's see here.

Yeah, please. I'm very interested in that. I can't imagine it's years. Wouldn't it be like a fine? Something like that. Wait, what did Pee Wee Herman get? Oh, I don't think that he got anything

because I don't think that he was guilty. I don't think he was either. He's a wonderful man. That's right. And a national treasure. Oh, I don't know about that. That show still holds up. Yeah. The Pee Wee Herman. The HBO, original HBO special one. You ever see that? just that show still holds up yeah the hbo original hbo special one you ever

see that the live show it's all creepy too and it is very creepy shaped all of us a lot it's like you look back at that shit it's like what were they talking about but you know peewee uh it was he jacked off in a porno movie theater. Which is appropriate. Exactly. He did what he was supposed to do. You scream when you go on a roller coaster. You jack off when you go into a porno movie theater. Makes sense. Makes all the sense to me.

I mean, I would be more weirded out by the guy who just went and watched the porno and didn't jack off. With that massive porno. What a sadist. Because he wanted to just sit there and judge the movie. That's creepy. Well, I found possibly an answer. Of course, I went to the... Just sat there and judged the movie. Yeah. That's creepy. Well, I found possibly an answer. Of course, I went to the trusty Yahoo Answers. Of course.

And it says, My friend just got arrested for masturbating in public. What is the penalty? And apparently, the punishment depends on a few factors. It could be anywhere between one to nine months in jail, or up to $5,000 in fines. Which one do you want to take? I'll take the $5,000.

You want the $5,000 fine, Doug? Yes. You can't pay that shit. Jail sucks. Jail does suck. See, which one are you going to take? You got one to nine months in prison or $5,000 fine all for just getting your rocks off on a sidewalk. Oh, shit.

I mean, it depends what part of my tour. You know what I mean? That's right. You know what I mean? I got a lot of work coming in the next three months, so I'll pay the fine. But if it was like July, yeah, fuck it. I ain't doing nothing. Get free meals.

I ain't gonna pay rent this month. Fuck it. You travel quite a bit. Out of all the cities you've been to, what city do you want to jack off in public most in? If you had to choose one city, what city has the finest ladies or whatever you might be into? It's still up for debate. The sexiest alleyways.

Fresno State. Oh. It was just a nice beach area. I feel like I could beat off and then take a nap, like right on the beach. That's a good idea. I've never done that before. Yeah, definitely. Side note, Yahoo Answers, I really like that website, because if you think you got an STD,

like, go there, because it calms you. You know what I mean? It's like, they tell you, it might not be an STD, but if you go to, like, you know, disease.com, you got, it's not only a disease, it's Ebola. You know what I mean? You got Ebola. You got Ebola AIDS, nigga. They're always upselling you on these diseases.

Like they're bad waiters in some midtown barn. Next story up. A court in Plymouth, England was given a St. Boudot man a conditional discharge after authorities said that he exposed himself to a five-year-old girl and other shoppers in the process of urinating in flower beds while making noises like an elephant. What? That is the...

I heard it's St. Voodoo. I don't understand. So he was just... He was peeing in flower beds and making sounds like an elephant? While naked. And that's illegal. That's kind of fun. Come on.

I think that's kind of fun. That sounded like Last Saturday Night for me, man. I don't want to talk about Last Saturday Night. What fucking twat wrote in there? He exposed himself to a five-year-old. That clearly wasn't his intention. He was going to the wall. I'm with you on that.

He's taking a piss. The five-year-old walked in on it. A five-year-old should be fucking being held down by her mom. Asshole five-year-old. That five-year-old exposed her eyes to his penis. It's not right. What is she running around by herself for? Asshole mom.

They got her backwards. The man was 48 years old, and he was arrested for urinating in public view outside a cafe, even though restrooms were available nearby. Well, he was naked. He was naked. No shoes, no pants, no shirt. He wasn't naked.

I made that up. Oh, he wasn't naked. Oh, okay. There's a lot of nakedness. Yeah, that's what I needed to make myself feel good. So this is just a guy peeing in flower pots? Yeah. That's sounding like an elephant.

I mean, that's amazing. I think it's kind of fun. And here's what the prosecutor said. This is England, of course. He was spraying urine to and fro into the flower beds while making noises like an elephant. I mean, it's obviously the poorer parts of England. What are you thinking about this story? I wonder, is there a back story?

You know, like, was... I mean, did he get, like, shitty service at the cafe? You know what I mean? There's a lot of Starbucks that have some hood-ass, like, baristas that I would love to pee in some pots. I've done the same thing so many times, man. The place tries you, you pee on the side of the building. Yeah, I do.

I'm more upon that. Yeah, I once... A place that fired me, I once walked by while I was drunk, I peed on their door handle. Yeah. Oh! And I was very, very, very pleased with myself. It's a great place to be.

There's so many ways to use your piss to get back at people. Listerine bottle, poor I have, peeing that, that's months of displeasure. That's amazing. Quickly. Oh, God. I mean, that's brilliant. Or a shampoo bottle, too. They neverasure. That's amazing. Quick. Oh, God. That's brilliant. Or a shampoo bottle, too.

They never know. They love it. Bill, you're an old Navy fella, obviously. Did you guys ever do anything like that with a urine? I feel like you guys love their pee-pee. Yeah, we use our pee-pee for sure. I remember a time where I had to work in the galley. What's the galley all about? It's where you have to serve like 90 days to

serve food and that kind of thing oh okay and so and so i went up and i had to serve this uh female officer some cake and she said uh go downstairs and get me some ice cream rude yeah it was calling bullshit on that so yeah yeah so i gave her a scoop of ice cream downstairs and i had to kind of run it across it a couple of times before I gave it to her. So you peed on the ice cream? Yeah. Isn't that something? And did you see her take a bite of this ice cream?

And she did, and I had my Hawaiian shirt on. Festive. Was it Hawaiian Saturdays? It was. She said, good-bye. She said, splendid. And I thought, yeah, that's just splendid, all right. So, yeah, really gratifying.

How many chicks were on this here ship? This particular one, we had about 50. 50 versus how many? Vice. I like it's versus. Yeah, 300 other guys. Oh, man. So I had 50 women.

That's a death match right there. It was a death match. Yeah, it doesn't sound good for the women. Mostly, they do not like men for the most part. Yeah. No, there's a ton of broads. It was Thanksgiving. Yeah, we doesn't sound good for the women. Mostly they do not like men for the most part. Yeah, a lot of lesbians. No, they're taught to remember for March Thanksgiving. Yeah, there was some Baba Ghanoushan going on. Baba Ghanoushan.

All right, I wanted to go to Marcus for another story, but what is exactly Baba Ghanoushan going? I just came up with that. I don't know. I think it's like scissoring it out in the sack with the two girls. So do you have any lesbian experiences in this naval vessel? It happens all the time, yeah, absolutely. It's good stuff.

I mean, I'm pro-gay and all that, but if there's only 50 vaginas to spread around, and then two of those vaginas are going to start fucking themselves, I'll get a little angry. You wouldn't be upset with this scene. Like, come on now. I feel like being stuck with all those men would make me become a lesbian. Oh, well, whatever, Jackie. You'd be like, oh, oh, I'm just trying to tell the dicks.

Don't you dare say that. Oh, the dicks. Yeah, you might be the first. You'd be like turning a Shiva with just dicks in your hand. I got eight arms, but I ain't a dick. Male rape in the Navy is up ever since Jackie Zebrowski's joined the force. Yeah. Giving him a porthole.

Guys are just really complaining about being squeezed off against their will. Now, Jackie, you could suck so many great Siemens cocks. Thank you. No problem. What's going on? And it'll be quicker because of the pressure, right? Yeah, the pressure.

That shit explodes, man. I gotta do that once. I'm gonna beat off underwater one day. When are you gonna be in a submarine? I don't know. I'm gonna be rich one day. Yeah, so you just buy a submarine. Yeah. Can we all be on the submarine with you?

If you wanna watch me beat off, yeah. Absolutely. Fine, I'll watch you beat off. Well, this next story... It'll be very hard for you to come, and I'm just like, oh, yeah. Love this. Buffalo wings in the corner, yeah.

The Navy's pretty good. The Navy's actually pretty fun. This next story comes from Ed Larson. Uh-oh. Oh, I love this story. A woman is trying to catch a man, she says, broken to her barn on several occasions, sexually abused her miniature horses,

and then killed the guard dog they trained to protect them. You mean Holden? They had a bunch of Holdens? Alright, okay. So I'm dog-like. I understand. You're more like a miniature horse. She hired horses to protect... She hired dogs to protect the horses?

Yes, she did. Abby Condor from Florida said her miniature horse Joy is traumatized and sustained life-threatening injuries after the man broke in and raped her in the recent attack. I do think that animal rape

versus actual rape needs to be qualified. No, it's terrible. He's not really a rapist. He's an animal rapist. But the thing is, all animals rape each other. That's how it works. They just chase them down and they're fastened. It's not really a he's an animal rapist but the thing is like all animals rape each other that's how it works

they just chase them down and they're faster than them it's different because a human chooses to rape an animal that's terrible animals rape all the time

because they're animals I refuse to believe this horse like is injured because I don't know if you've ever seen a horse dick before that's right

a horse vagina it's very big a horse pussy has to be just as big A horse vagina. It's very big. A horse pussy has to be just as big. So I'm thinking this, she barely felt anything. Most likely. Well, I think the owner's projected.

Well, she said, quote, she had been severely brutalized. She had been raped both by a man and with several objects. Oh, interesting. The objects. Here's a picture of the horse A better picture of the horse

It's a tiny horse It's like a Shetland Did that horse rape somebody? That horse is ass-whore No, Doug You gotta confuse, Doug How did that horse rape a human with objects? Another quote She was hematomed on the back and so bloody that she looked

like her whole body had been put through a garbage disposal. Oh, that's getting sad. Yeah, this is just getting really sad. I didn't read the whole thing. That doesn't even make sense. I thought a guy just had sex with a tiny pony. I don't like the object. I mean, you know, sex with a tiny pony, comedy.

Bring objects into that and you really get yourself a sad situation. Oh, think about the objects that are inside of a barn, too. Nothing fun to get put inside of you. Yeah, there's nothing soft. It's all hard and it's all jagged. I just feel like the sad thing is, Jackie, you and the pony have a lot of similar memories. I don't know if that's true. Except for the pony part.

We have the pony part in common. You know what? Let's not talk about the story anymore. Next. All right, well, we can move on. What's the kibosh on that story? I mean, it's just covered in blood. The man's doing a whole series.

Kid rape we'll talk about for like 20 minutes. There was no kid rape. But animal rape, I'm talking about a previous episode, but animal rape, we get two minutes in. It was no kid rape. Animal rape. I'm talking about a previous episode. But animal rape, we get two minutes in. Because of the horse. That horse wasn't a fucking unicorn, because that dude

would have got some revenge. That's true. That's a good point. Yeah, I just feel like, you know, overall, very sad situation with this poor horse. This person's luckily about a lot of things. Are you talking? What happened to him, Doug? Are you talking? What happens here?

Did you drug him, Holden? No. No, he did. Oh, yeah, the roofies, yeah. He's sitting over here and he's drunken me. He's drunken you. He's drunken me.

That's pretty amazing. Well, we can move on to a more lighthearted story if you like. Does anybody else have anything to weigh in on the donkey, horse, having inner rape story?

I heard the story once where a man liked to have sex with a horse, but the other way around. He liked to be fucked by a horse. How did that go for him? Well, here's the thing. Apparently, his boss told him that if I find you fucking a horse again, you're going to be fired. So I think he fucked the horse one more time, and he had so much bloody injury, he kept it secret and died. Rather than tell people he fucked the horse

just to keep his job. What a great story. It would have been so great if he would have just gotten fucked by the horse and just be like, I fucking quit and I just fucked the horse and just fucking threw a bunch of money

at the dude's face and ran away. That would be amazing. What kind of asshole boss says that? Don't fuck the horse anymore. Fuck another horse. You can't come and work at McDonald's again. That is rude. I agree. That's one of the most American stories I've ever heard. asshole boss says that. Don't fuck the horse anymore. Fuck another horse. You can't come and work at McDonald's again. I agree. That's one of the most American stories I've ever heard.

Give me freedom or give me death. I got goosebumps. Alright, next up. The pastor of a St. Aloysius church on Springfield's North End has been granted a leave of absence after he called 911 from the rectory and told a dispatcher that he needed help getting out of handcuffs.

Quote, I'm going to need help getting out of these handcuffs before this becomes a medical emergency, Father Donovan told a dispatcher. You're stuck in a pair of handcuffs? The dispatcher asked. I was playing with them and I need help getting out, Donovan responded. Sweet. Yeah, I heard about that.

That's funny. It is funny. That's kind of a lighthearted story. Was he just playing with that? I think he was just playing with handcuffs and got stuck in them. Well, that's not... You think there's more to that, Bill? There's gotta be.

That's not quite the end of it. His voice sounded garbled or muffled on the tape and sources say that police discovered some sort of gag on the priest when they arrived. How did he get to the phone? Fuck that. What's some sort of gag? These motherfuckers are looking for stories. Yeah, like a bunch of raisins or something?

Maybe a bunch of stockings. Chewing on a walnut. Holden, that's a good point. What kind of food do you want to be gagged with? If you had to be gagged, no rubber balls here. Well, I mean, just like a bunch of the insides of a banana. But I mean, I'd get done with it real quick, so you'd have to keep stuffing it up in there.

But that's just me wanting to eat bananas. Yeah, that's just how you have lunch. I want soiled panties after she went roller skating. Soiled panties after roller skating. Seriously? That's specific. So we got something off some urine. It many panties after roller skating. Seriously? I wanted that specific. So we got some urine. I mean, honestly, that's disgusting.

It is disgusting. You've got more sweat than anything. I'd take some lasagna, some type of food of some sort. I said, what food seems as panties after roller skating? I don't know. Roller skating for some reason is sexy. I mean, basketball, it's just kind of grimy. But you don't even see the girl roller skating.

You just have... Wait, wait, wait. Like roller disco or just regular, you know, down the boardwalk? Yeah, down the boardwalk. No, not boardwalk. I'm talking about disco. I'm talking about roller disco. Roll around in a circle.

What about roller derby? No, no. I used to bang on. No, no. Well, going to this is built then, right? Yeah, she was built yeah and did she hurt did she wasn't built like like like uh like she wasn't like olympic like i have a bunch of like muscle right right like oh man if i start a farm i should marry her right right kind of like did

she hurt you it's a donkey i'll pull that shit like i do want to highlight jackie's ford tough joke which is a great build for tough. So thank you, Jackie. That was very good. Wait, see, did she hurt you at any point? Like in the, uh, she just talked a lot of shit. Like she would swing. Right.

And she would swing. I'm glad you're not with this bitch anymore. What do you mean she would swing? I mean, like she was like aggressive to the point where like it was always on like that precipice of like, if something, you know, like, precipice of if something goes wrong and you think about fighting. Did she hit you? No, she liked just to be man-headed. She liked it rough.

I've been with some girls like that. How do you feel when they really enjoy it rough? I mean, in your situation, which is unlike my situation, they could actually turn on you and kill you, which is very dangerous. Only that girl. That girl was tough. How tall was she? She was my height. So like 6'1".

Oh, wow. 5'10"? I'm 5'11". We'll go 5'11". She was 5'11". Do you think she weighed more than you? Come on now, tell the truth. I don't know.

I don't know. Maybe. A girl's weight is weird to me. I don't ever really understand. Was that here or in D.C.? This was D.C. Oh, yeah. Oh, the D.C. Roller Girls. They got tougher chicks in D. Maybe. A girl's weight is weird to me. I don't ever really understand. Was that here or in D.C.? This was D.C. Oh, yeah. Oh, the D.C. Roller Girls.

They got tougher chicks in D.C. They do. Absolutely. And so you had to break up with her because the sex was too aggressive for you? No, no, no, no. Because she was too aggressive. Just as a personality. She was scary.

She was kind of twatty, that's all. Oh, she was twatty. She was twatty as well. For no reason. I was just like, come on, we're just going to the park. No, fuck it, I've got to make a fight about something. It was really... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was just like, come on, we're just going to the park. No, fuck it, I got to make a fight about something. It was really hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good call. Always making a fight. Kevin, you ever been with a girl who manhandled you? Nah, man. I'm a pretty big dude, and I don't wear that many scarves as Seaton does. I mean, that's totally true. They are going to attract a dude. I had a chick who always wanted to wrestle before sex.

Really? And she always wanted to fuck the tool. Yeah. Wow. Yeah, she always wanted, yeah. What year was this? College. Oh, okay.

You knew her. You would know her. Yeah. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Wrestle before sex. Yeah, we'd like wrestle. We'd like all over the apartment just wrestle. We'd just like pin each other down, like, you know, strangle each other. She had problems. Strangle each other. Yeah, we'd like wrestle. We'd like all over the apartment just wrestle. We'd just like pin each other down, like, you know, strangle each other.

Strangle each other. Yeah, definitely. I keep getting with these strangling chicks. I had sex a couple times with the girl who I like to get wrestled with. Yeah, it was fun. They want to make me all sweaty and stuff. And then it's just like the bone zone, brother. Dude, the first time we hooked up, we wrestled for like a fucking hour

before we actually started That's too much work You know this girl as well Oh yeah And do you know who I'm talking about? Yes Bitches are bitches man and when bitches want to get hit, you gotta hit them.

Oh. So I assume the priest in this situation who was handcuffed and gagged was with a similar girl who liked to dominate. I doubt a girl. He's a priest. Please. Who do priests get with the most? Men. Boys.

Boys. Yeah, also boys. Mostly kids. Do I have a boy bind and gag him? I don't know. I said also boys but majority men I think he was getting

with the love of Jesus Christ Jesus handcuffed him Bill you're you're a man of wisdom have you been with some of these aggressive girls

or is this a new phenomenon because I'm telling you people are getting more aggressive with the porn out there sex has immediately like gone from

zero to 60 kids the first time people have sex now, it's much different than the first time we had sex, which was sensitive and sort of scared. Now they're just very aggressive. Kids now think the logical end to sex is coming on the face.

Absolutely. Oh, okay. I'm behind them. You ever watch the old porns where they don't come on the face? I love old porns. It's so much more fun. I saw one where she came in her mouth, and she just kind of dribbled it back on his dick,

but all at the same time. It was almost like watching a Harlem Goldschrider film. You know what I mean? The game is rigged. I was like, that's old shit. Do you think there's a change here, Bill? I don't know. I mean, you talk about the money shot and all of that. I mean, it doesn't always have to be the money shot at the end.

It could always be something, you know, wrestling, I suppose, I guess. You can end off on that. I like to shoot it into a ceiling fan and just let it fly all over the place. All over the furniture? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he gives the paint job. Yeah, it's called the paint job. Yeah, yeah gives the paint job. Yeah, it's called the paint job. Yeah, yeah, the paint job.

Are you ready for the paint job? That's what I scream. That's all you know about happy endings today. We were in Chinatown. We were talking about going to get a happy ending for a massage. But isn't that the saddest ending of all? I don't think so. I'm coming for the girl giving the happy ending.

We have a friend that is into that, which is kind of funny. Who is that? You want to take Henry to a happy ending place, and Henry's set out in L.A. Is my brother the one that likes happy endings? No, he didn't go. He didn't go. No, it's not your brother. But I just thought that was interesting.

He does it all the time, and it's great. He gets a fucking awesome massage for like an hour, and then, you know, what a better way to end that. Who is the secret trove of friends that you guys have? I know a guy, too. Yeah, I love the happy endings. I know a couple dudes, too guys have? I know a guy too. Yeah, I love that. I know a couple dudes. I know a couple dudes too, man.

I know a couple dudes too. I mean, I'm sure we know the same guy. I know a dude who directed me to one. I tried it once. How was it? Did you finish?

I mean, she was an Asian, so she really wasn't into like her gold. Was she white? No, she's black. I found a white chick and she was definitely not into the happy ending

she was almost like gesturing her head like there's a condom on the desk nigga just start fucking me oh interesting but then most people are fucking it was like i realized oh so you did start fucking her fucking this was not even a handjob for like 10 minutes and i was like this is fun okay i can't i couldn't get into it and then like she was like don't fuck me and then i realized i didn't like rape at that point because she wasn't into into it and then like she was like don't fuck me and then I realized I didn't like rape at that point because she wasn't into it she was just like

alright get it over with she was like rolling her eyes she felt like a rapist she's also a rapist and then my dick got soft it took you that to realize you don't like rape

it did it took her until you raped no I was plotting on bitches left to right and then I was like you know what man I gotta make a life change

it's like eating 12 ounces of caviar and be like I don't like fish eggs You know what, man? I gotta make a life change. It's like eating 12 ounces of caviar and be like, I don't like fish eggs. I've decided. Well, that's interesting. So you weren't able to finish and you just got soft in the condom and then left.

I giggled. I was like, I'm gonna make a joke about this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And how did it go? It fucking bombed. Yeah. It fucking bombed. What the fuck, man?

It's a waste of fucking $140. $140? That's not bad really I mean that's kind of a bargain right yeah it was obviously Doug you don't know a whole lot about whores you have to realize to we also got a massage right this is how was the massage I was no yeah Massage was like I'm not a massage guy So I was No Yeah, yeah I really was like Alright, when are you Going to touch my dick?

That's my whole thing So I wasn't really Oh, okay That's what you were Most into And she was an attractive girl With big bosoms And a nice buttocks

She was Yeah She was I think she had a kid Recently though She had stretch marks Yeah, she had stretch marks She had that belly

That's not It didn't seem like fat It just seemed like It's a pookie belly Yeah, it had that like Oh, like Pookie belly I like like fat, it just seemed like. It's a pookie belly. Yeah, it had that like, oh, like. Pookie belly. I like the pookie belly. After birthday and all the way out kind of belly.

The money shot at the end was her squeezing breast milk onto your face. I think I did. I sucked a nipple once and I did feel like I tasted a little milk. So I was like, you know what, this ain't working. Oh, that's where you have to continue. That's amazing. There's a lot of things wrong in that situation. No, just over and over again.

I just wasn't working for that. Was that in the city or was that somewhere else? This was on the road. On the road. Very good. I'm not opposed to trying it. To the happy ending. I'm going to try again. Do you feel like some Asian chick

who fucking knows the dark arts and she'd just be like, oh fuck! That's what I'm down for. I think you're really scary. What's that, Bill? and she'd just be like, do-do-do-do-do-do! And we'd just be like, oh, fuck! That's what I'm down for. I think you're really scary to actually do that. I don't know if those exist. What's that, Bill?

What about acupuncture? Have you ever tried that shit? Oh, no. We don't bother with that because there's no happy ending at the end. There's no happy ending. No, no.

You can't come when you're bleeding. I tried it a couple of weeks ago. So she comes in and she said, look, it's going to be a 45-minute deal. She puts needles all over me because apparently

this woman told me my chakra was clogged. And you rock hard waiting for the happy ending. Yeah, my chakra was clogged. So she put all this stuff in, and I said, okay. So then she leaves. I go, wait a minute. Are you going? She goes, well, yeah.

You're supposed to relax. We've got the music going on and all that stuff. I want her to stay and talk to me. What are you leaving for? So your version of the happy ending is to have a conversation with you? Yeah, a conversation. Of course.

You're a PR man. Of course. Oh, Bill, we need to have a youthful intervention. So I'm laying there, and they've got this funky music going on, and it's hurting in my thigh because it hurts when I move my legs. Because you have a bunch of pins all over your back.

Yeah, pins everywhere. So she finally pops in, and I go, hey, this kind of hurts when I move my leg over here. She goes, well, don't move your leg. So it's really not a good experience. No happy ending with acupuncture. Oh, okay. That would make it much better.

But do they put it everywhere? Do they put the pins everywhere? Hands, feet, and arms. And by the way, I think my chakra is still clogged. I'm sorry. You know, I'll tell you what. I got a hot stone massage, and it was a couple massage once.

It was years ago. Couples massage? You got a couples massage? Yeah, it was lame. We went on a romantic getaway. We went on a romantic getaway. By the way, was that the woman who cheated on you? Yes.

Oh, she didn't cheat on you. What? Your ex-girlfriend cheated on you? Yeah, with the masseuse in the other room. I'll tell you what. Yeah, she gave it to me, but I was all farty. So I was just awful, man. I'm just farting it up right in her face. You were farting?

Yeah, I was all shitty and farty in my ass. That's not true. No, I'm serious. And she was like, I don't think you're comfortable right now. I'm like, no one is comfortable right now. Like, everyone is upset because I'm farting too much. You got a hot rock machine on you? No, I'm talking, no one is comfortable right now. Everyone is upset because I'm farting too much. You got a hot rock machine on you? Yeah, my boyfriend just farted the whole time.

Oh, what's that? You don't fart during a hot rock massage? Let's fuck. The day after, she was like, I fucked him because you fart too fucking much. I mean, all right, we're done. Buzzkill. That's a buzzkill. And none for you, Kevin?

You never had a pedicure or a massage or anything like that? Nah, man. I've thought about it. I like Asians and shit, but I feel like I'd try to save them, man. What are you going to save them from? No, just save them, man. Just take them out. You can't fucking save them.

Get them on battle jets and shit. They can't save themselves. I think they're doing fine. They're making a lot of money. Kevin and David and Asia puts on these big angel wings, and he takes them out to a really nice restaurant. Oh, I think Asian girls are doing fantastic. I mean, you know, they got to see Seton's wonderful penis. I mean, not in this situation.

I'm sure some will. I know. But I'm sure some will in the future. I hope. I hope. I hope. Keep in mind, Seton, when you showed up for this massage, and she knew there was going to be a rub and tug later, she was thrilled to see somebody who was attractive. She did get my number and she was like, I'm going to come see you do a comedy show one day.

She got your number? That was her all night? Very rare. Yeah, I was very, I get it. It's a rare deal. It is very rare. That's crazy. It was.

I was like, you're going to come to my show? That's weird. She never did. That's also the bizarre thing. You'd be like, how was work while I stroked off 10 penises and whatnot. Marcus, did you really just pee? Yeah. That's also the bizarre thing. How was work while I stroked off ten penises? Marcus, did you really just pee? Yeah. That was amazingly fast. I don't understand how men pee so fast.

I will never get it. I don't get it. Well, we don't have to do any kind of wiping or taking the pants off or anything like that. You gotta shake it, though. Wash my hands? Of course not. I don't want to get into the... I mean, he just peed. I didn't mean to bring it up.

It was a fast, though. No, thank you. No, no, no. I do the fire hose when I'm trying to do it real quickly. You push real hard. You're like, oh! And it flies out. Yeah, it hurts a little bit, but it's worth it.

Yeah. Fire hose. There's no pee on this side of the... I'll tell you what, dude. You guys get the after come weird piss, right? Where it comes out in two streams and stuff? Oh, absolutely. That's always bizarre.

No one talks about that that and then it happens. I can't wait to get that. I did actually happen in that. Oh my god, I can't believe they actually fucking mentioned it at one point in a comedy or movie. Yeah, it comes out in multiple streams. Hurts a little bit. Also, sometimes my dick gets stuck to my underpants and I have to yank it off and it hurts too. Let's talk more about your dick.

What do we mean? Kevin, if you had to have sex with one worker, so you got a chick who does massages, a female worker, and she does massages and you know she gives rub and tugs, a full-blown prostitute, a sex phone operator, or a female stand-up comedian,

who are you going to date? Oh, wait, wait. I didn't even realize. All right, so a full-blown... Like just a masseuse who gives the rub and tug, then you have yourself a prostitute, and then you have your phone sex gal, and then you have a stand-up comedian girl.

Which one is less attractive? Which one's less attractive? Yeah. Well, obviously stand-up comedian girl. Obviously. That's the bottom of the barrel? Yeah. You think so, Seton? I don't know.

You don't know what's on the other side of that phone sex girl, though. You know what she looks like. Yeah, that's a good point. You do know what the stand-up comedian looks like. And she's kind of funny. I feel like after I come, my mind is so much more different like i really kind of want to talk right i hate when girls like try to still talk sex to me after i come it's like a waste like i'm actually angry at the waste of her words right yeah because she

wants to come and then you're like it's done no no she comes no i don't wait i eat out a lot no they come but you eat out it's just like yeah now like, no, let's talk about other stuff now. Like, stop trying to flirt with me. My dick hurts. Yeah. I know that feeling. And so you eat. So I would not do the sex operator. I probably would do either the comedian or the hooker because hookers have stories.

That's the thing. They got some stories. They have a lot to tell you. I was doing blow in Arizona. I'm like, what? That's a good point. Every story that starts with I was doing blow in Arizona is amazing. Yeah, that makes sense. It's going to be good. It all ends with, and now I'm a hook point. Every story that starts with I was doing blow in Arizona is amazing.

It's going to be good. It all ends with, and now I'm a hooker. Alright, Marcus, let's do this. Alright. A cat carrying a saw, a mobile phone, drills, an earphone, a memory card, batteries, and a phone charger was detained as it entered a prison gate in northeast Brazil. Prison guards were surprised when they saw a white cat crossing the main gate of the prison,

its body wrapped with tape. If you'll look over here at the screen, you'll see the cat. It's a cute cat. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of shit taped to that cat. And here's a picture Of everything

That was actually Taped to the cat What did it all mean? Some drill bits Drill bits Drill bits too Two drill bits Why would you do that?

I get the feeling They wanted to send it To somebody who was On the inside And they wanted to Have that person Break out And come to the outside

It makes complete sense Their problem was They just They went They asked for too much shit They got greedy And this was in Brazil, by the way. They should have sent in one cat at a time.

How come there's no weed up in there? That's a good point. Also, get carrier pigeons. You think that's the way to go? Carrier pigeons are extinct. A cat has its own prerogative. You can't make it do something. And a prison spokesperson said,

it's tough to find out who's responsible for the action as the cat. Turns out it's the cat. No, it says, as the cat doesn't speak. Oh, yes. Yeah, but isn't that funny? Did they waterboard this fucking cat?

Did they torture this cat for answers and then finally just come to the conclusion it doesn't know English or Spanish in this situation? There's no like- Portuguese. Portuguese. Or Portuguese. Amphirins or anything. There's nothing for this.

And so they just terrorize this situation. There's no like Portuguese. Amphirins or anything. There's nothing for this. And so they just terrorize this cat. They duct tape things to this cat. I think they really blamed the victim here. The cat can't be farmed. They could have put

like another like I'm really thinking like there's so many better plans. They should have put the duct tape in and then they put another coat of fur

over the duct tape. I mean you have to kill another cat to do that. That's fine. They're already duct taped. He's in jail. What the fuck? You know how, you have to kill another cat to do that, but... That's fine. He's in jail! You know how much shit you gotta do in Brazil to go to jail? Yeah, that's true.

You ever see City of God? That movie scared the fuck out of me. I'm never gonna see that movie. Great movie, though. The women are hot. I don't give a fuck. Holden, I'm in prison because I've committed no crime. I was falsely convicted and you have to send an animal in with like a

nudie magazine so I can masturbate properly. I have to send an animal in, right? Yeah. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, first comes to mind is just fucking toss an alligator over the wall. Because honestly, it's going to take them a long time to fucking get that thing calmed down. You tape it to a deer.

Tape it to a deer. That's the answer. Yeah, I feel like deer is the answer because they don't have that much fur down. You tape it to a deer. Tape it to a deer. That's the answer. Yeah, I feel like deer is the answer because they don't have that much fur, so it's not going to rip off a lot. They can antelope their way over the wall. Nah, stuff an alligator into a cannon and don't tie me one.

Shoot the alligator over. I got a feeling there's going to be a lot of cannons and catapults involved in everyone's plan. Absolutely. Stuff them in a cannon, light the endapults involved in everyone's plan absolutely stuff them in a can and light the end like you're in a tom and jerry cartoon and fucking shoot him over the wall like that i want to commit like a federal offense just to have you get me out of it prison via holding me never get you out i saw this on the msnbc apparently like crackheads they'll um

they'll put crack into like shit oh wait i'm not talking in the microphone i'm a bit the crackheads will put crack into shit why is this spit guard not talking to the microphone? Alright, my bad. The crackheads will put crack into shit. Why is this spit guard here when this is so much easier not to have it here? Alright, here we go. Mark is gonna kill you now. Anyways, they'll put crack into paint and then paint a picture and then mail it in like it's a kid's picture and then just be a

painting of crack. Wow! Yeah, but then you gotta smoke paint. I guess if you're already smoking crack, it doesn't matter. You know, Brazil's got a really bad crack problem right. Yeah, but then you gotta smoke paint. I guess if you're already smoking crack, it doesn't matter. You know, Brazil's got a really bad crack problem right now. Do they? Yeah.

Yeah, it's horrible. Yeah. And also AIDS. I heard about the AIDS. Yeah. I was researching. It's jail. Well, in fact,

we talked about it on Roundtable about two years ago that Brazil, there was a big porn star AIDS epidemic and the porn star had just come from a shoot

in Brazil and it brought AIDS back from Brazil. You know, you're watching all that Brazilian fart porn. Remember, all those women have AIDS. Interesting. I don't know if you've ever seen the Brazilian volleyball team, the Olympic volleyball team. Oh no, it's fantastic. I'm not going to waste a condom in that situation.

I don't know, man. Have you seen that Brazilian hurdler? I got no AIDS. You'll use a condom. I'm going to use a condom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we can't lose another great American to AIDS, Seton. You have to use condoms when you have sex with random people. You know what, though?

My stock will be real high if I die. If you got AIDS? That's the thing. Yeah. What? I'll be a Freddie Mercury level? No, you'll be like Arthur Ashe. And you'll totally get to do Make-A-Wish Foundation and beat off in the bottom of a boat.

That's great. Yeah, you could do that. You know what you should do, Seton? Get AIDS. I might do that. And then you can have a foundation, the Seton Smith Foundation for Progressing the AIDS Epidemic. Magic Johnson's life has been pretty astounding in the last 20 years.

He's buff as shit. Do you just get to look like Magic Johnson if you have AIDS? How long was Magic Johnson out of the spotlight from the time he got HIV until he was back to sports commentary? I think it was a season and a half. No, because he came back. He came back four times. No, I think he was out of the spotlight for about six months because he played the All-Star game that year. And by the way, can we say this?

A lot of folks with this Magic Johnson crisis, this was, what, 1991? And no one knew anything about AIDS. And it was mildly rational to not have him play a game where you're rubbing up against a bunch of people full of sweat. You never know when you can bleed. I mean, it wasn't as if it was the biggest issue on earth that he wasn't allowed to play basketball for a couple of months. You know, because I thought, it's very dangerous. That was in 1991? Yeah, if no one had any idea how you were going to get AIDS.

And there was a bunch of different people who got called homophobic because Isaiah Thomas was spreading the gay rumors. And a lot of folks were like, oh, I don't want to play with him. And then they got demonized. But it's like, you don't know what AIDS is at this point. So I thought that was just kind of fine. I'm blown out of proportion.

And Magic Johnson is officially the greatest survivor of all time. Social commentary from Ben Kissel. Thank you, everybody. Thank you. Bit of a controversial stance, but Bill, you're with me. Thank you. Wild Bill. Oh, Wild Bill, give us one more segment.

Oh, man. You know what, one time, the funniest radio Show, story I think I had Was for myself A little buzzed up and started the radio Program What were you drinking on? Might have been a whiskey

The song was The Hollies Long, cool woman in a Black Dress. Okay. Right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, so anyway, the start of the show is, Will Bill Austin, yakking at you till midnight,

stand by for the Hollies. And I'm kind of buzzed like I am now. Stand by for the Hollies, Long, Black Woman in a Cool Dress, right here on 1370 KAST. Oh, nice. You were better, by the way. Yeah, my version was way better. Long black woman in a cool dress.

All of a sudden, the phones start lighting up. They're like, what did you say? And I thought it was great. It was a great blooper. It was a very smooth segue. One of my favorite radio bloopers for me. Yeah, good stuff. Thank you, Bill.

Can we edit in this question? So what's one of your favorite radio bloopers? Can we edit that in before that? And by the way, I think first time the word blooper has ever been used on this show. Blooper. God, I love that word so much. Blooper. Sounds like blooper.

Blooper. Apparently Nick has been used constantly on this show. These are the mouths. Mostly by Holden. There you go. He's got those sweater vests. You know, he just can't help himself. I know, and it's sad.

I love my sweater vest. Ooh, what's new in the news? We got something from your home state of North Carolina. Yeah, it's probably going to be racist and upsetting. A man in Denver, North Carolina said he was so distraught over the death of his 17-year-old pet snake that he shot the cabinet that contained his Dale Earnhardt collection of memorabilia. Dude, Dale Earnhardt, dude, fucking rolls, man. That guy's amazing.

NASCAR, brother. That's not stupid. He's dead. It's not like he's going to make more memorabilia. That's really, you have to be really angry. Definitely. You have to fuck that up. It's like me fucking up my Marvin Gaye collection.

You know what I mean? He ain't coming back. He ain't making more albums. How the snake died, however, is up for debate. Gary Wayne Erickson, who you will see in this mugshot right here. Oh, yeah. That is straight up North Carolina

right there. It's a white fella. Good beard. He says that he shot the snake after it was dead. However, he was arrested Sunday and charged with killing it himself. I mean, it makes more sense than shooting the snake after it was dead. And the snake was named Anonymous. Oh.

That was the name of the snake. I don't want to go to the race angle with the whole North Carolina, but I'm sorry. The whole, you know, he was already dead before I put the bullet in him. That's the oldest. I agree with you. If he would have shot a black fella before I put the bullet in him. That's the oldest. I agree with you. If he would have shot a black fella, they would have agreed with him. He had snakes. They wouldn't have sympathized with snakes.

The 1912 explanation right there. Black fella died, that's how to put a bullet in him. See if the bullet worked. We hung him after he had a heart attack. That's what happened. I promise. And this happened right outside of Charlotte, where you're from. Yeah, okay.

Where at? Does it say specifically? Denver. Denver? Yeah. North Carolina? Well, it was covered by the Charlotte Observer. Yes, the Charlotte Observer.

Definitely read it. Never read the movie reviews in the Charlotte Observer. I always went by, if the guy liked it, I wouldn't go. If the guy didn't like it, I would go. That's how bad he was. Nice. Yeah, he's a fucker. Well, he told us...

Yikes. This man told NBC Charlotte that he couldn't bury the snake because, quote, the other animals would get him. Is that true? What does that mean? Was that a Texas thing, too? Did you not bury... Would other animals get to the dead? Oh, no. I just buried him deep. Yeah.

You dug a lot of holes. I was very good at digging holes. How does he say shooting him makes him not have to bury him? He's still a snake body if he shot him. Does that make sense? It was a 17-year-old snake that he took care of for 17 years. The snake may or may not have been dead before he shot it. Why is this man arrested? He was arrested for animal cruelty

and discharging a firearm. If that python would have gotten loose, the cops would have killed it. So weird. I don't think that's right at all. And it could have hurt other people. What's that? It could have hurt other people. Dude, I saw a python

bite my buddy's dad's fucking hand and fucking swole up to a... Oh, it was a nightmare, dude. He had a lot of snakes, though. You can't shoot in North Carolina? No, you can shoot, but you can't shoot your animal. We hear these stories quite regularly here on the program, and we constantly have issues with them. Which is fine, because there are a lot of situations where they are constituted.

This is not one of those situations. I highly doubt it. I highly doubt it. I mean, Kevin, what do you think? This guy should not be going to jail for killing a 17-year-old python that he took care of his entire life, right? Not at all, man. Snakes ruin the world read the bible that's right by kevin barnett i mean that's what we're talking about here snakes are notoriously uh you know uh cooped up with the devil i mean the cops should be thanking him well clearly if he raised him for

17 years i think that should like go into the process of whether he's guilty or not you know i mean come on. What the fuck? Well, what's bullshit is that I just wanted to get a girlfriend for the first time in 17 years. He has a wife. And this is what's even sadder is that him and his wife, they have two cats and a dog and they can't have children. So they're very attached to their pets. I guess so.

I mean, attached enough. I feel like on that enough you shouldn't arrest him No you shouldn't arrest him I mean how long do pythons live? I can check Check it out I mean at least 17 years We know that

Now Bill you're a father You've raised people past 17 years Can you see this 17 year old python It's in the teenage angst years It's loving twilight And you're like fuck you python I raised you to be a proper python I'm python. It's in the teenage angst years. It's loving Twilight. And you're like, fuck you python. I raised you to be a proper python. I'm going to shoot you in the face.

I mean, you can relate to this fella's emotions, right? Yeah, maybe a little bit. I mean, how bad is it to have a 17-year-old person? I don't know. You've never had girls, though. I feel like 17-year-old girls are the worst. Bill has only had two boys. Girls would be the worst

i think yeah absolutely i would shoot a seven-year-old girl in the face more than a seven-year-old boy at what moment was there ever a moment when doug was 17 or there was a moment there was a moment i received a call about 11 30 at night and it was one of those recorded things and he said uh will you accept a collect call from inmate Doug Austin? Interesting. At that point... Doug Austin would be the man sitting across from you right now. Yeah.

Good story. Please do it quick. His friend Holden is sending an alligator in to retrieve him right now. Yeah, it was just a little overnighter for Doug, but it was one of those nights where, yeah, it was a little bit tight. If you had a gun,

you would have just popped him right in the face, right? Yeah, I was a little upset. Yeah, to say the least. Yeah, absolutely. It was just breaking and entering, though. That's a huge thing! What the fuck? I thought it was like a DUI or something. Doug, why were you arrested for breaking and entering?

I was investigating ghosts. He was. He was. At the old Florida furniture factory that was supposed to be the most haunted place in Florida. Did you find any ghosts, Doug? I brought a special lady friend there

and I had my crowbar and I had my tape recorder. Well, wait a minute. Stop, stop, stop. Because this is what I asked Doug. So first of all, Doug spent the night in jail because I didn't know anything about bail bondsmen or anything like that. I had no idea. So I called Doug and I said, well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

I didn't know anything about bail bondsmen. So when I asked him about this crowbar, I said, what's the deal with the crowbar? Because this place, he didn't have to break in. All these crackheads are always in it. He goes, well, there's crackheads in there. I thought I might have to thump one. By the way, and that's a felony rap. So we let it all go away.

That's a longer story. Doug spent the night in jail. He had the orange jumpsuit. Apparently he got a nickname. They gave him a nickname. Was it Cornbread? Cornbread, yeah. Cornbread was his nickname.

Funny story, but we were a little tight that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not loving him. Well, if you would have shot him in the face, I would say just as I think this fella. Oh, did you bomb the girl? No, it was bed night. Nah, it did not happen for me. She was buzzkill.

She didn't spend an inch in jail. Oh, really? She got off, huh? Doug did the one night hard time. She never talked to me again. Wait, she never talked to you again? You went to jail for this bitch? Yeah.

I'm going to go ahead and say, Doug, that if we were dating at that time, I would have fucking been in jail right next year. That's right. Because I wouldn't

punch that cop in the face. And by the way, full disclosure, Doug and Jackie, boyfriend, girlfriend. There you go. So you heard it

here first. Any other news stories, Marcus? And now it's time for a segment from Hold McNeil. All right. We're going to make this lightning fast. It's word association.

This is going to be really easy. I'm just going to go around. I'm going to say a word. You're just going to go around and circle as fast as you can and say the first word that comes off the top of your head. I'll start with Kevin on this one, and then I'll rotate it each time. All right? So let's. Sounds like a lot.

Yeah. No, no. Just do word association. I got it. Say the word. I... What? Sounds like a lot. No, no. Just say the word. Just do word association. I got it. I'll say the word. I got it. Alright, cool.

In each round, I will score a win. How many rounds are we doing? Like four or five, depending on how fast this goes. And I'll give everyone... I will declare a winner after every round. Okay. Tornado. Potatoes.

Oh. Ben. Oh, the same Ben Yeah we're going around Oh Irish Irish Kentucky Helen Hunt

Raccoon Doug Kansas Kansas Bill Raccoon definitely wins Oh interesting Absolutely

So are we supposed to be playing with tornado or potato Tornado But I feel like the other words will influence what you said Well I think You know I think it should be I think everyone should Go off the last person's should go off the last person's word. Go off the last person's word.

So follow along. I'm not going straight on. That's what I thought we were doing anyway. Wait, you said raccoon off of hell and hunt? I did. Don't know why. But I like it.

Alright, Ben, this time we're starting with you. Okay? Mohican. Sasquatch. What? Fat people. Fat people. Henry Zabrowski.

Cheesecake. Doug. Cheesecake Factory. All right. My parents. Kevin says my parents. Where are you at? Ben.

Hey, Sasquatch. All right. Sasquatch. Very good. He's real by the way. Very semi-racist. Okay, cool. Don't stay hot in the ball, all right? You're right after your dad, okay?

All right, Seton. Got drunk as shit? Actually, yeah, Seton. Yeah, I got drunk. Everyone gets drunk. Grenade. Rambo. Oh.

Ooh, Sylvester Stallone. Screwdriver. Phillips head. Oh, shit, yeah, man. Oh. Ooh, Sylvester Stallone. Screwdriver. Phillips head. Oh, shit. Yeah, man. Tax. Tax? Tax with a question mark.

Mark ends the round. So, Bill. Bill again. Bill again. Bill again. I would have gone Mick Foley is what I would like to say. I was supposed to explain tax. Like, thumb tax or tax? No, tax with a question mark ends the round. Sounds good. Tax. Bill again. I would have gone Mick Foley is what I would like to say. I was supposed to explain tack, like thumb tacks.

No, tacks with a question mark ends the round. Sounds good. Government tax. I have no idea what kind of tax I was talking about. All right, Jackie, we're going to start with you, okay? Jackie, we're going to start with vagina. Jackie, vagina. Bad.

Cheesecake. Doug, Doug, Doug. Cheesecake. Cool whip. Diabetes. Wilford Brimley. Old white man. Old white man. Kevin. I liked old white man though.

Vaginas are good though. No, they're bad. I like them. You said vagina, I said cheesecake. That, they're bad. I really like them. They're very bad. I like them. Wait a minute. You said vagina. I said cheesecake. That's going to be some penicillin. It should have been the next one, probably. No, he said vagina.

I said bad. Oh, okay. Got it. A bad vagina would probably need cheesecake and penicillin. Okay. Got it. But you're first now, Bill. Yeah.

Bill, you're up. Wake me up here. You're up. Coathanger. No, no. I have to say the word. What was, no, I have to say the word. What's your idea? I have to say the word.

He looks at his only son and then imagines his wife shoving a coat hanger up her vagina. Well, let's not talk about it, shall we? I'm just saying. Bill, you get it. He doesn't need to think about these things. That's amazing. All right, Bill, I'm going to give you the word and you go off of it. Strawberry daiquiri.

I would say peanut butter Okay Bread Jelly Is this a good game? What did you say? Jelly Vagina?

Yeast infection Fleshlight Doug gets it Vagina? Okay. Yeast infection. Oh, uh, fleshlight. Oh. Doug. Doug gets it. Doug gets it. Doug gets it with bread. All right.

Now, Doug, we're going to start with you so it'll be easier. This is a bad idea. I'm loving this game. This is my favorite. We're all very drunk. All right. I'm sober as a cat. Well, you're always fucking sober as a cat.

Not always, man. All right. He's hurt. Doug? No, he's never fucking sober. I've never seen him sober in like six months. He's always fucking sober on stage. Are you drunk everywhere else, Kevin Burnett? He's drunk on stage all the time.

I'm upset. Oh, remember that fucking Linny Factory set over the summer? Oh, that was great. All right, Doug, you're up. All right, Doug. Karate gi. Karate belt. Karate belt. Karate kid.

You know. You know. All right, Seton. Karate cat. Ooh, Jackie Chan. Karate artery. Nice. Get in.

Bill is the big winner. Beautiful. And that takes the round. It's a twist. It's a twist. Oh, God, no one can catch up with Bill right now. He wins with three. Oh!

Bill, close us out. Can you close out this show as you close out your radio show? I got to tell you, great pleasure, great podcast. I do listen from Jacksonville, Florida. Appreciate you guys letting me sit in. I certainly appreciate spending a lot of great time with my son, Doug, and all of his friends. And I love NYC.

That's Wild Bill signing off. Wild Bill Austin. Good time. Can you say Wild Bill Austin signing off? Wild Bill Austin signing off from NYC.