The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 129: The Hindenburg of Women

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 128th episode of the Round Table: a 400 lb woman falls through the sidewalk in Manhattan, a woman smothers her boyfriend to death with her breasts, and two strippers get into a fight over a dollar. Joining us today: Nimesh Patel and Larry!

Hello everybody, how you doing? Ed Larson from the Roundtable of Gentlemen Telling you about all the beautiful, perfect, succulent products that we're selling on AdamandEve.com The sponsors of Cave Comedy Radio, the greatest comedy radio on the frickin' internet So that means worldwide, I guess Today, the product is Fetish Fantasy Spinning Swing today the product is fetish fantasy spinning swing oh man this looks like a barrel of monkeys no pun intended item number xb1 savon now sure you can get a sex swing for 50 bucks you know yeah you can go do that shit you might even be able to find a used one for 30 but that's not we're selling here today we're selling quality we're

selling the good shit and let's face it it's 159 that's three bags of weed. Okay? So, and plus ten bucks. So, just don't smoke for, I don't know, a couple days. And then you'll be good to go. You get your sex swing. And then, you know, you won't be smoking as much. So, you're going to be wanting to use your sex swing on a brand new prostitute. Alright? You know, this thing's wonderful.

If you listen to the third word, it's spinning. This thing's wonderful. If you listen to the third word, it's spinning. This thing frickin' spins. You know, I can't tell you how many times I've seen some poor guy get undeservedly locked up because he strangled his girlfriend with a non-spinning swing. Yeah, it's an issue in America, and this thing has solved it. Give these guys a Nobel Peace Prize. You know, and that's not the only feature on this baby all right that you know the swing we already said it spins but you might go how much does it spin

how much does it spin is it one of those 360 degrees around that's all the degrees all right it's fully adjustable it's got extra wide nylon straps large padded supports for the back of the hiney and so you know this thing is comfy it's not just you're not sitting there with belts and buckles laced stabbing you this thing's a comfortable swing you can use it when you're not fucking for mild enjoyment you know and it's easy to set up you know you don't have to worry about finding the bolts in the ceiling you could put this in a doorway you could put this uh any good beam you got exposed if you're in one of those weird uh williamsburg lofts there's all kinds of horrible things up there you could probably strap it on to you know suggested weight limit, not exceed 350 pounds.

Holy shit, did someone make a sex swing for the girls that I like? Oh, this is amazing. You know, you could actually put two girls on this thing and still be fine. You know, let's read some product reviews. I'm getting too excited. All right, this guy, he says, super fun. Five stars. Sexy angle 2000.

I never had a sex swing before. I love my swing. I bought it for my birthday and I've been using it ever since. Spelled C-E-N-T-S. Fucking idiot. Sex was fun, but I bought my swing. I've been having more fun in my entire... This guy is a bad review to read.

Alright? This guy, he doesn't know how to write anything, but obviously, he knows how to fuck. You know, so that's a good review if you look at it that way. Because if it was worded too well, you're like, no way that smart dude would buy a sex swing because it seems like a weird thing you do oh no there's a bad review this is a special we're gonna we never do this on the uh

segment but we're gonna read a bad review we'll see what's happening my gal was too big well i'm sorry for laughing at you uh this is uh this thing was just not sturdy enough to hold my lovely 350 pound oh man daria well you know 350 is the limit so let's say she i'm gonna guess once you get to 350 you never really know i bet she was more like 370 you, he should have known better. You know, when something says, you know, don't use a 240 pounds and I'm 260, I'm not going to get on it. You know, so this girl should have known better.

You should have known better putting her in it. You know, and then you're giving this poor company its only bad review because a 350 pound woman does not know how to love. Alright? If she knew anything about love, she would have tried just a little bit to stay under 300. That's not, that's not a lot to ask.

I live my life like a fucking animal and I'm a big fat dude and I'm 260. What the fuck is this girl doing? I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't. You know, she was so embarrassed. It didn't, I didn't get the finish, so I got blue balls. Good for you. Fuck you. Now we're not sure what to do.

Don't get a sex swing. Get a sponge bath. That's what you do. Was this reveal helpful to you? No. I'm clicking it now. Ah, shit. All right, guys. I think that's it. You want the swing. You want the swing.

I want the swing. Shit, I want a dozen. Line them up in a row. Get a bunch of Asians over. Have the time of your fucking life. This thing is like Disneyland in a leather strap. All right, everybody. Go to adamandeve.com

where people learn how to clean the squirt off each other, huh? Change it up a little bit. Input the code CCR at checkout to receive a nice little discount, or if you spend enough money, some free porno vids. Now, here's the round table. The round table. Gentlemen!

Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

That's magic. As long as you get a good one. You got to get a good one You gotta get a good one That's true Alright Aren't you on prayer Judas? Yes I am Judas Alright

We'll talk about that too Okay dear Beelzebub Thank you so much for having us All together as friends Hail Satan Don't Hail Satan right now Henry Marcus happy 30th birthday yesterday

Happy 30th birthday Yeah Marcus 30 in one day Marcus Hail Satan Hail Satan Love Marcus Maybe an apology birthday yesterday. Happy 30th birthday. Yeah, Marcus! 30 in one day, Marcus Parker. Hail city! Hail Adrian! Maybe an apology would be necessary

at this moment for the listeners. Okay, here's the deal. Five years in the making. I'm on a date with the girl. I've been wanting to get with this chick for five years in the making.

I will say that she was beautiful. She is stunning. And Kevin will never have sex with her, which makes it even so much better. I really hope Kevin does. No, he will never. The fact that this is five it even so much better. I'm going to make that happen, man. I'm going to make that happen. I really hope Kevin does.

No, he will never. The fact that this is five years of making doesn't justify what you've done to me, man. There is no amount of time that can make you deserve that girl. Yeah! My personality, my overall level of humor, my overall love of who she is as a person, that's why I deserve this woman. And either way, it doesn't matter. What's the best part of her personality?

I just really enjoy her breasts. Okay, so Marcus, I'm sorry that I deserve this woman. And either way, it doesn't matter. What's the best part of her personality? I just really enjoy her breasts. Okay, so, Marcus, I'm sorry. Yeah, because Kissel ditched me for a girl last night. To be fair, I didn't come out to the party. Every single person that we invited came. Everybody was there. Every single one of my closest friends was there. Except for Hulk Hogan, who also couldn't make it.

That's right. He's far away. He's always got an open invitation. I always say, this is a Hail Mary, yeah. Okay, well, thank you, Beelzebub, for Marcus and 30 years in one day. Thank you very much. Okay, I'm in. Second of all...

Hail Satan! Hail Satan. That's Jackie. I've just got to get to this. Holden and Kevin, and then that... We're not going to get our roundabout. Okay, do your roundabout. Jackie?

I like it better as Heil Satan. Okay. Either one works. No, that's fine. You make it look like I was terrible. It sounded terrible. It's Hitler and Satan all in one sentence. Henry Zebrowski, see him in 2013 in Wolf and Wall Street. Wolf and Wall Street?

He fucked up the title. Wall Street. Is that it? The Wolf of Wall Street? It fucked up the title. Wall Street. Is that it? The Wolf of Wall Street? It's like Peter and the Wolf. Holden McNeely, I just want to take this opportunity. Margus, you came to my birthday party December 28th. You had a great time. I was there too.

Yeah, you were there, but I was there. I was there. I'm just Kevin Barnett, man. I'm just really hoping for a day that Kissel's not living as good as he is right now. I'm living terribly. Everybody hates me. We have Nimesh Patel is here. Thank you for being here, Nimesh.

Hello. Thank you for having me. This will be a good time. And Larry. We're just going to call you Larry because I love the name Larry. That's a good name. You don't have Larry. Thank you, Larry.

Sounds really good. Is it short for anything or is it like L-A-R-I? It's actually long for Lair. Interesting. It's like a robot acronym where you're like an android. I just didn't realize you were such a birthday guy, Marcus. I'm not. I'm only a birthday guy for my 30th birthday.

Okay, so for your 40th birthday, I'll get you something nice for your 40th birthday. You're not living that long. That might be the gift. When I had that birthday party, that surprise birthday party, everybody showed up. I had a terrible time. I don't like people on my birthday, so I thought I was doing you a favor. Because people want to be good to you. People are trying to be your friend.

Yes, they are. That's not true. People like you. I don't know who. All about him. No, it's not. All about him. I would have known.

I love that you turned it around. You turned it around to your birthday, which was an amazing birthday thread for you. I had a great time. Your brother flew in from Florida. Worst birthday of my life. I can't deal with that kind of pressure. Which birthday was it? It was my last one.

31st, which makes no sense. It was a nice thing. It was a nice thing. Good gesture, man. I am saying, had I known. No one likes you because you're not appreciative, man. Hear, hear. Oh, you come from money.

Don't tell me about that. What are you saying? What is that? I am saying, no. You're turning into Alex Jones. What I am saying is, had I known, my ego is not large enough to feel as if my presence is needed at your 30th birthday.

It is your moment. And had I known that people were like, oh, where's Kissel? I love him so much. I want to hang out with him so much. Then I would have shown up. Still about him. No, it's not about him. You know what?

It's all good, though, because we had Mike Lawrence there. We didn't need his lookalike. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Slam. Burr. Getting slammed. Beat it, Shakalaka.

What have I done to deserve this? I finally, I know. You know what? My cousin actually IM'd me the other day. Like, I didn't know you were on Letterman. Oh, that's hilarious. Michael Che was on Letterman. Or Kevin Barnett. All right.

So, Marcus, are we okay? We're fine. But you still hate me a little bit. I mean, no. We'll be over it soon. Yeah. Okay, let's go to a new story here before I start crying. All right. That would be great. I would love that Okay, let's go to a new story here before I start crying. All right.

Although that would be great. I would love that. That's good radio. Yeah. It is perfect radio. It really is. A buxom woman faces manslaughter charges after allegedly smothering her lover with her breasts during a drunken row inside a mobile home.

Oh my God. What a way to go. See, and he died? He died. Whoa. How old was she? That was in London. 51.

Do we got a cup size? No. Do you got to see the tits? No. There's no look at the tits? That's bad news. That's bad reporting. Imagine how big.

They probably had huge nipples, too. I'm going to go with, what do you think? I'm going to go with F, something like that. Well, apparently her nickname was Jagungas. So whatever that means. It's probably a G. It's probably a G size. Probably a G size then.

Jagungas. How did they charge her with this? How did they prove that she did it on purpose? I mean, couldn't this be in the act of love? Well, the only problem that I have right now is that this webpage keeps freezing up, so I don't have much more information at the moment, but give me a second.

I'm going to find out on a different site. That sounds great. I think getting smothered information at the moment but give me a second I'm a final no no difference that sounds great I think you know getting smothered by a pair of tits a wonderful way to go I have I go to get my hair cut over in Williamsburg this is German place and then I go there's like little barbershop and there's a woman in Moxana that I always go she's my right I go up to her. She is gone. That's terrible. She must have... God, I'm sitting there just... I was in a momentum. Yeah, yeah.

I was on a roll and the timing was building up. So this woman, Oksana, she has like triple J tits. You know what I mean? Where it's like her tits were like two little me's. Like two me as a babies

on her chest. How much weight do you think each tit weighs? She must be, she must be, she's pushing 350 pounds. Right? But it's mostly breasts.

Is it breasts? So much tits. I get into the chair with the barbershop, right? And she goes, oh, you're so sexy. I make you so sexy. She puts her tits on me

on purpose. And it's like, you know when you ever shove your head in the couch? No, it's just so nice. When you ostrich? Yeah. It's so nice.

You just feel like it's like my neck supported. Huge, pillowy, just nummies. So you liked it. You enjoyed the experience. Yeah, and I just want to die there. That's how I want to die. How old is Isana? Oh, she must be 60, 65.

Yeah, that doesn't matter. Still some good breasts? Yeah, all tits. While I was talking about this. I read an article. She was 90 in boob years. I read an article in The Voice about dudes who love obese women, and the whole idea was they were obsessed with huge breasts early on, and they just wanted the breasts to get

bigger and bigger. And then they were like, what if the woman is all breasts? What if every, and you know, on big fat women, it's like they're just a big breast. It's like the KFC of women. It's a big pillow. It's great. Yeah. A huge pillow. And that was, I was like, oh, I fucking get it's like they're just a big breast. It's like the KFC of women. Yeah. And that's, that was, I was like,

oh, I fucking get it now. Yeah. Makes so much sense. This woman was only, she was 5'7", 175. Oh,

not a big ass breast. Yeah, she's probably, but she was 51 though. Yeah. That's the thing. Me and Larry actually talking about this

on the way over here, you know, and it may sound horrible, but it's like, you know, white girls only good until the age of about 24. After that, it's just, so it's like white girls are only good until they age about 24. After that, it's just dry up.

Imagine a white girl. What do you have to say about this? As a 25-year-old, very supple human being. I'm sorry. It's over for you. How much sex did you have last night, Kevin Barnett? Not a lot, but the thing is I did eat a Philly cheesesteak sandwich and it was delicious. You know what?

And I still think that you won. Well, the only thing about having a woman that's all tits is that I think that's great, except for the fact that it's like, what if there was a bunch of nipples all over her, too? I feel like that's what it is. Well, I feel like maybe they do that. They get fake nipples, and they paste them on her like little pepperonis or whatever. Pepperonis is a good idea. Put them all over the woman.

But, you know, use some kind of, like, edible glue. Do they make that? Yeah. No, use mayonnaise. There's a show on, like, Oxygen or something

about big-breasted women. They try to help them find bras. That's a fucking show. That's amazing. I swear to God. What fucking trucker came up with that idea?

It's an amazing one. It's fucking randomly. Kissel. I can't get enough of this pepperoni sex plant that Holden has. I mean, that's fucking brilliant. Slapping a bunch of pepperonis on a chicken, eating them off slowly or quickly. Yeah. What do you want to do?

As nipples, though, they're fashioned to look like nipples. It's called pulling a DiGiorno. You can put a little niblet of corn in the center. That would be delicious. Mayonnaise, pepperoni, and corn. He loved corn. Yeah. Have you ever had a man eat any food off of you?

No, that's disgusting. I feel like a lot of girls have. Henry did it to a lady back in high school. That's why I can never do it. What food did you eat off a chick? Whipped cream. The varsity product. Which is not good.

I have a kind of lactose problem, and I had put whipped cream on all over, and I was like, all over and I was like a little man all over right and the problem was is that um right before clitus could begin I felt the drop down you know we go that like in your stomach I was like oh shit I literally like had a jump across the hallway and took a fucking lathering point by the Are you naked at this point, by the way? I feel like if you're naked, your body's like, oh, naked, time to shit anywhere. Shit immediately.

You also have to do that, just sprint. And the worst is, you could do as much as you can to wipe yourself clean before coming back to sex. You just shot fucking Tabasco soup at your beehive. Why did you lick something that you're intolerant of off of a woman's body? Why would you go with peanut butter?

Because she thought it would be erotic. Was it? And was she aroused when you did it? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because I got the face magic. But she was like a monstrous woman, right?

No, absolutely not. She had like scales and like. She was actually quite supple. Okay. Quite thin. Cup size? Very attractive. She was more tight than scales. She was actually quite supple. Cup-sized? Very attractive. She was more tight than anything. She was great. She was very attractive. You miss her. No.

This is a very tearful episode. So after you came back from the poo-poo hut, was she washing off the whipped cream? Was she upset? Did she know that you just went and dookied her? No, no. She was one of those. She knew that she... I mean, in the end, it was like the whipped cream? Was she upset? Did she know that you just went and dookied her? No, no, she was one of those. She knew that she, I mean, in the end, it was like, whipped cream. And she's like, yeah, I knew that about you.

So that was a fact. She did it on purpose to avoid the actual sex. Wow. Did you actually fuck her? Yeah, I mean, I put it on her afterwards. Oh, okay. You put it on her. You shot it up her.

You did all that. Yeah, I slayed it. Limply on top of her stomach. Which is why it's like like pulling a boat to port. It's like, slowly backs in. Bump, bump. Bumps against the harbor.

That's why you got that sex swing. So it does the magic for you. I need momentum. Yeah. He can only have sex in water. That's Henry. Well, that's really, but she knew,

I feel like that's a little bit awkward to do coming fresh out of the stall, fresh after a poo-poo, to go immediately into the sexual situation. We had to. We only had a small window of time. How much time did you have? Like 45 minutes.

This was in high school. Yeah, this was in high school. Yeah. Oh, I see. Before or after Varsity Blues? I think before Varsity Blues. So you were not inspired by Varsity Blues? No.

See, that's the thing. It's good, though, because high school girls, they're just ready. They want that dick inside them. They want to sit because they're not yet 24.arsity Blues. See, that's the thing. It's good, though, because high school girls, they're just ready. They want that dick inside them. They want to sit because they're not yet 24. They're not yet hitting as monsters. The clock is ticking.

So when did you lose your virginity, Henry? This makes me so depressed, by the way. I didn't have sex until college. Yeah, I was 18. 17. No, 19. When were you, Marcus? 16. You were 16 to match? depressed by the way i didn't have sex till college yeah i was 18 yeah 17 yeah i was 18 no 19 when were you marcus 16 16 you were 16 17 i think yeah i was i was a junior in high school was there any whipped cream involved how was that experience oh my first time was probably the worst first time

well it's actually pretty i was at my cousin's house okay in his living room with your cousin he was sleeping next to me. I swear. I guarantee you he was not sleeping. He tells a different story. He's like, yo, my cousin. Fuck, no. It was like

my first high school girlfriend was sleeping next to me. A white girl? Black girl? Asian girl? Indian girl. Indian girl. I didn't experience

white women until after college. And do you agree with Kevin's theory that they're trash after 24? Theory, right? I'm not making this up.

It's not a theory, man. That's a law, dude. You know what? Jackie is going to fucking murder both of you guys. We live in the real world. You know what? I kind of want to throw it out there. Virginity, Losing Your Virginity

has been kind of a theme over the past few episodes. Listeners, if you have a great Losing Your Virginity story, write in. What email the past few episodes. Listeners, if you have a great Losing Your Virginity story, write in. What email address? CaveComedyRadio at gmail.com. CaveComedyRadio at gmail.com. Give us your virginity stories.

We'll throw them up. Wait, yeah, Larry. Larry, how old were you when you lost that shit? I lost my virginity when I was 16. Because I think I remember that. I think I remember you. You remember bleeding for a couple of days afterwards like you, because I've known him. You remember bleeding for a couple of days afterwards?

No, but I just remember him telling me. Yeah! It was like, he didn't tell me until like a while after it happened. He was like, man, have you ever fucked a girl before? I'm like, no. He's like, you've got to fuck a girl, man. It's awesome. No, it's really like, you know, they talk about sex, but it's really, really wonderful to have sex with a girl.

It is wonderful. And you mentioned, so your overall experience was not so wonderful, though. I mean, it felt great. It was just weird sleeping next to my cousin. And then the next morning, I was like, yo, I fucked. He's like, I know. Yeah, of course he knew. Do you think he watched?

Did you see, like, the Blaine's tent up at all? It was literally, we were literally like a foot apart. Right. Because we were sleeping in the living room on the floor because his parents, like we had like a two-bedroom house. His parents were in one bedroom. His grandparents were in another. So we were like sleeping in the living room.

And that was your girlfriend at the time. They knew that, that you would be there with your girlfriend? No, we snuck her in because it was like after this big Indian thing that we did in high school. What was the big Indian thing? Wait a second. It was just like, so I went to a. Tell us of your bizarre culture in ways. So in high school, there was like maybe like 100 Indians in my high school.

That's a pretty good bunch. Yeah, it was huge. So we had this Indian cultural show where we put on like dances and shit. Yeah, it'd be like a Bollywood thing. Yeah, yeah. Like a dance number at the end. Literally. It was like an hour and a half long

to be mad dance numbers and stuff i wasn't in that because i was like fucking indian people at the time right that's right man i'm with you i'm a quarter indian and i hate every every second because i was it was always just like all the white you could see the white people just laughing like look at these corny ass indian people doing stupid ass dances on stage i mean we would just kind of sit in our own filth yeah we were really good at it though the white people just laughing like look at these corny ass Indian people doing stupid ass dances on stage I mean to Browskis we would just kind of sit in our own filth

yeah we were really good at it though the Polish way after that after that my cousin drove us back

to his house because I couldn't bring I didn't want to sneak my girlfriend into my house yeah because it was

more difficult into my house because there was like just one so you fucked this chick next to your cousin but you didn't sleep at that house?

What do you mean? But this is like two different nights? No, it's the same night. Instead of going back to my house, we went back to my cousin's house. I brought my girlfriend over there. We slept in the living room, and then we tried to make sure everyone was asleep while my cousin was asleep next to her. Did you plan that this was the night we were going to lose our virginity to each other?

No, it was just like we're sleeping nights with each other. I feel like she could have had a hot three-way for the first time. Oh yeah, you and your cousin. These Indians should be getting wild. They need to tell your sister, I said, what's up? I won't murder you. Kevin's never

been closer to murder than right now. I won't murder you. Actually, I never told you this but um i actually lost my virginity beside you so i thought that was really funny how you lost it beside somebody and that that's probably i feel the best sex i've ever had has been beside someone i don't know that's a good point it's a stranger it was like a weird voyeuristic i would never do that again yeah no yeah again My first time I was like yeah let's just fucking do it It lasted like three seconds

So you didn't even do a good job I was terrible No one does a good job The first time She didn't know until I told her 28 No man the first time I fucked her was for hours But either way, that doesn't matter

I think we've heard about this Marcus, what's another news story? A final Facebook status update Ended a night of horror in Central Michigan After a prison parolee allegedly abducted a female college student at gunpoint Raped her, set fire to a house Stole a flatbed truck Ran three police cars before writing on his Facebook wall

Well folks, I'm about to get shot. Peace. Wow. And then died in a hail of bullets. Why would you... You literally pull out your fucking iPhone and you update your status as the cops are pulling guns on you?

So what did you do tonight? Well, let me tell you. What's the worst thing do you think that he did? I just wish he had Instagrammed it, you know? Yeah, the whole time. The only sad thing about that, he's never going to know how many likes that shit got. Wait, he actually doesn't say? Yeah, he didn't get any likes. But 191 shares, though.

191 shares, 25 comments. Here's some of the comments. Gabe Salter said, damn, Eric, I don't know what I feel. Monica Johnson said... and he spelled damn. I don't know what I feel. He spelled damn D-A-M-B like lamb. Monica Johnson said, I don't care what anyone says. There was motive behind his madness.

He was such a sweet and caring person. Someone had to set him off over the edge. It doesn't justify what he's done, but shit like this doesn't just happen for nothing. Oh, this other one, I hate it when they do, like, someone, like, someone just put very unfortunate and then re-tagged him in that Eric, very unfortunate Eric Ramsey, like that weird, like,

tag thing. Yeah, see it. You can't see it! People think that you can check Facebook from beyond the grave! I feel like I talked about this, but I've been following a wall of, let's say, an ex-girlfriend and the dude's sister. It was like the last post he put up was like, just got my new car. It's like a crazy dragster kind of car. Going out for a ride and then died in the car crash.

And then for the last five years, it's been like five years, every week they post stuff on that page. So I just read the whole story. It's so fucking morbid. What is this bizarre virtual tombstone? They speak to him. They're not even speaking about him. They're like, hey, you know, just like, still miss you

terribly kind of shit. People are using it to deny the fact that death is a permanent thing. You're plugged in. You're in the machine now. This is what I'm saying. We're already living on the computer. Our brains are already on the computer. We live forever via the internet. So we might as well just do it using machine brains.

I know Cap, our roommate, he already has a friend who he's given his Facebook password to and said, if I go, shut it down. And I think that's a great idea. I think I'll probably end up doing that myself. I'll probably give it to him. Well, you gotta meet Kep, you know.

It's fine. You know, I was just talking to my dad about this. He made a living will around my age and it's about time to start doing that. Have you thought about that? Why are you making a living will? Marcus, you're 30 now. What life are you living that you think you're going to die?

Well, I mean. Yeah. It doesn't fucking happen. No, fuck that. I don't test like pilot. I don't pilot jets. Wait, Larry. I'm a comedian.

Yeah. Larry, have you done this? Have you made one? I'm not exactly sure what a living will is, but everybody was just turned against you. You write out a will like on a cat or like a dog. Right. You need a will. Preferably a turtle because they're around for a while.

Oh, that's a good idea. Tell them the big one. You're doing it, too. I'm putting you in there. You're going to have to pull that cord, buddy. Oh, I'd love to. Yeah, exactly. I mean, that's like a difficult decision.

You and Ben will hold hands and pull it together. Oh, I can't wait. We're going to high five the entire time, go to Shoney's afterwards, buffets. I don't get a piece it together. Oh, I can't wait. We're going to high-five the entire time, go to Shoney's afterwards, buffets. Okay, I'll tell you what, you can laugh. Can I do the countdown? Yeah, you do the countdown. Three, two, one. Nice knowing ya!

Hello! I want to wave the flag. I want to wave the flag with a weed leaf on it. And the doctor comes in and he's like, he was going to live. There was no reason to pull the cord. No, actually, we knew that, doctor. That's why we pulled the cord. Have you met him?

That's great. Yeah, because you just die going like, ah. I'm telling you, he died doing what he loved, looking disgusting. I'm dead fucking serious. I will put that in there. Holden, do you have a living will yet? No, but I've been thinking about it. My dad did it around my age.

Yeah, but you can't afford a lawyer. Yes, again, my you have a living will yet? No, but I've been thinking about it. My dad did it around my age. Yeah, but you can't afford a lawyer. Yes, again, my dad is a lawyer. But your dad, though, also had already had you by the time he was your age, right? Yeah, you have nothing to live for. No, but I still want to put in there that John has to bury my body by digging a fucking grave in the woods. You're just giving instructions in your will? Yeah, I'm just being an asshole. I'm being a tyrant.

But what do you say? You're just like instructions in your will? Yeah, he's just being an asshole. You're being a tyrant. But what do you say? You're just like, and fucking Gabby gets my Red Bull. And you get my nugs, dude. I'll give people cool shit. Fuck yeah. Get that will gun. That's right. What am I flouting?

Yeah, what am I going to get? What do I get, Holden? You get my room, dude. You get my much larger room. He's got to pay rent on it, though. Yeah, that's the thing. The room that you don't own. The room that you died in that would be fantastic I can't wait to be haunted by the sounds of a ugly ghost every night goat I mean not ghost you ate all my pizza you're not alive man you're not alive Jackie what do you want

to put in your will what would you give to Henry if you had to give one thing in your life right now to Henry Zabrowski? Jackie is actually the beneficiary in all of my paperwork. I have signing up for insurance and all that stuff. It's like Jackie actually would get it. All your bizarre reptile ramblings that you write down before you go to sleep. That's what you should give Jackie. My headbands?

No, give the coroner to slice off that owl tattoo and frame it and he puts it on his That's a great idea. That's a really good idea. I love and frame it and he puts it on his wall. That's a great idea. That's a really good idea. I love it. You got her fucking skin on your wall. And also my breasts. I'm going to cut off my breasts. And I want you to taxi-dermy them.

No, I want Henry to have them. Hey, Henry, could I come over later? No, Ben. Every time you just go to the wall and stare at Jackie's breasts. We keep playing hacky sack with my dead sister's tits. I don't know why, but I imagine them showing up with the tits in just a plastic grocery bag. Oh, yeah, just thrown in the back of my car. I'll tell you what, the other big question, though, is because this all came about because my uncle had a stroke, which is terrible.

And we were talking about it, and my parents were like, if they had the limited mobility that he may have, it's in their will to fucking kill him dead. I do want that. I want the end it calls. So if you have a stroke, you're never going to be the same again. You're not a vegetable, but you're not like you. Do you do it? Do you end it? No, absolutely not.

You fucking blow weed in my face. You sit there and it's like you do all this shit. You fucking give me drugs. And show you anime series. Well, there was just That one story Marcus Maybe you can google

Those twins I would be so relaxed I could watch so many movies Yeah You could just watch Like a ton of movies Oh yeah I saw it In the Netherlands

They let you do that shit If you're going blind If you just don't have The will to live They'll let you Kill yourself That's the way To fucking do it man

We should be able To have a way out Are you In the mesh Are you just If you have the limited Brain function Are you done? Are you just like, kill me?

If you literally can't say kill me, I think that's when you should be able to be kill me. If you cannot communicate to the people, your loved ones, that you need to die, then that's probably you who want to go like that. That plays perfectly into that story. Marcus, read about that story. This is kind of interesting. Identical twin brothers in Belgium were euthanized

by doctors in what has sparked an international debate because unlike most cases of assisted suicide, the brothers were not terminally ill. Both were deaf and recently learned they were going blind as well. What was the disease that they had? Was it just like it's called like God says go fuck yourself. Yeah.

That's the medical term. After they go blind, their dicks fall off. So it was like over. You know. So yeah, they just decided since they couldn't see and hear each other anymore, they would just fucking kill them. Why would you want to live if you can't see or hear anything? Totally. After all your life of seeing and hearing things. What's the Get Your Gun movie where the guy...

Johnny Get Your Gun? Johnny Get Your Gun, and at the end, they finally get him to communicate. What's he saying? He's saying, kill me over and over again. Yeah, yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. I mean, you wouldn't want to live

if you're blind or deaf. I think I would still have the will to live. And I'd become an amazing pianist. If you were blind and deaf. But you wouldn't even know. I don't even care.

I would just rock. You would just be like dong, dong, dong, dong. I am an amazing pianist. By the way, can I still come? Then yeah, I want to fucking live.

I was going to say, if you're blind and deaf, you can still get blown by Puerto Rican girls. Yeah, but God knows you can't get blown by. You won't be getting blown by. Exactly. So you never have to do it. You never know.

That's terrible. The entire time you think it's a Puerto Rican girl, it could be some white girl over 24 and you're still the one that's going to kill you. Kill me. Kill me. You got to keep in mind that Puerto Rican girl is in quotes if you're blind and deaf. I mean, it might just be me Kevin makes a good point though

I mean the cliche ignorance is bliss What is more ignorant than someone who can't see and can't hear I mean that is like perfect But you can touch you can feel Just don't feel the face and you'll be alright Exactly don't touch the face Read a fucking braille book while you're getting blown It's amazing

I'd be like Tommy It would be awesome you're blind and. I don't know. It'd be like Tommy. You'd get really good at pinball. Yeah. It would be awesome. You blind and deaf, you don't know what's happening, man. The entire time you're walking around, you fucking can't see shit. I just imagine I'm in danger zone training to fight with the X-Men. It's like a weird kind of virtual reality. What if you're blind and deaf and it turns out the noise that you hear when you're blind

and deaf is just like, like over and over again for the rest of your life. Just like the way they sound. False. Shit, I love it. What if it's great being blind and deaf? That's the thing, it could be. They didn't let themselves actually go blind. I don't know why you guys are acting like we can't communicate with blind and deaf people.

We could just ask them. No, but you can't. How is it? They wouldn't know. When they're blind and deaf, you can't. Blind and deaf? You can do the Braille thing. You can. The story of Helen Keller. People know what it's like to see know. When they're blind and deaf, you can't. Blind and deaf? You can do the Braille thing.

The story of Helen Keller. People know what it's like to see, and then they're not seeing it ever again. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. If you have been to Brooklyn so many times, I'm like, remove my eyes. Exactly. It's not like a gorgeous world. You're blind and deaf. Every girl you hook up with is the hottest girl.

Even if it's your brother blowing you. That's right. The hottest chick you've ever seen. Yeah, my eyes are closed. So are you making the case, Jackie, that you would prefer if you knew, say, like you would prefer to be born blind to death than go blind to death? I feel like in the end

of like killing yourself or killing the child, you know, that kind of thing, that they know what it's like to see and then it is finally gone. That I wouldn't be able to handle. Like having all of it gone... But then at least you have the memory.

Yeah, you can see it in your brain. At least you did at one point see it. You know what a sunset looks like. Whereas if you were born blind and deaf, you'd never know. They always say sunset, but they never say just big tits. That's true.

He keeps saying big tits over and over again. Where are my big tits? So we just gave him two silicone tits. Did you see his smile on his face? Playing with two silicone fucking tits. I mean, that would be amazing. That would be the greatest fucking thing. That would be fucking awesome.

You have a midget showing you around and shit. That would be fucking phenomenal. Little person, little person. And the government's going to take care of you. If you're blind and deaf, the government takes care of you. All your money can go towards prostitutes.

I mean, this isn't the worst situation on the face of the planet. You just come over and over again for the rest of your life. I don't think that's how it is. I think it's really lonely. I'm going to throw it out there.

They're twins. You can't be alone when you're a twin. They killed themselves because they couldn't stand not seeing each other. That was a weird moment. That's what I like.

Yeah, that's gay. Yeah. Not a mirror in the house. No reason for a mirror if you have a twin. That's a good point. Right. Thank you. Absolutely.

What if your hair is bad? You look terrible. You know what? You're right. I'll tell you what. I'm going to talk to my dad, and I say we all draft a living will for the show. These are the twins right here.

They look pretty dead. Oh, I like that their glasses are different. Yeah, they are. Wait, would your dad hook us all up with wills? I don't know. Maybe at least give us the basics or something. We could all create a living will for the show. Can't you just write it down and then sign it and tell people it's a living will?

I don't know. No, you have to get it notarized or else it doesn't count. Exactly. How do you notarize it? Go to a notary. My mom's a notary public. There you go! Start a fucking legal will shit

in this room right now. We're doing it right now and I'll tell you who else is a lawyer. Sina just became an absolute lawyer. And then we can all read what we have written down so we have to have jokes in our living will, which is kind of fun.

Which should be fun, and it'll be real, and we'll get it notarized. Yeah. All right. All right. You heard it here first. That sounds great.

All right, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? All right, next up, we're going to go to Russia. Yay! Well, we can't get the kids from there, so we might as well go there.

That's right. In much of the world, a new year means a fresh start, a time for resolutions, gym memberships, and promises to be more productive. In Russia, it means two weeks straight of heavy drinking. Forget it! The country is just

now starting to emerge from its latest binge, which launched on New Year's Eve and ended unofficially with a second New Year's celebration on Sunday. That's hard. It's hard enough from Christmas through New Year's. After that, I'm like, I'm done. I need a few days.

Four days and I'm exhausted. Here's what Russia's top medical official said. Long holidays are, in the event, bad. Any reports of deaths during this holiday? I mean, it's Russia, so they don't really keep tabs on that sort of thing. That's right. Also, is it just a bunch of drink specials and stuff everywhere?

Is that how it works? Well, Russia only opened for business on January 9th, the first day back to work after its extended New Year's holiday, during which life all but comes to a standstill. Stock markets are shut down, no newspapers are printed, and many of the festivities extend until January 13th. That's amazing. News doesn't exist.

No. Nothing is happening. Nothing is happening. It's like whatever happens in Russia like stayed in Russia. That's great. As a result of the holiday, Russia loses out on $20 billion.

They should stop. They should stop this holiday. Doesn't sound worth it. We were stop this holiday. That's fucking incredible. It doesn't sound worth it. We were saying about this, it's like, yes, I'm preempt this by saying Hurricane Sandy was a traumatic event in New York City. A lot of people's lives were ruined and stuff like that, but I will say that Hurricane Sandy may have been the best week of my life. It was fucking awesome.

I had a really good time. Dude, and do you remember Katrina in Tallahassee? We had an amazing time. We had it because all the beer that was headed to New Orleans had to get diverted

to Tallahassee. So we got cases of beer for five bucks because they couldn't even give it away. It was cheaper than that. We were getting just, and dude,

the whole Publix was just raided by like frat dudes and stuff and us, we were gonna get kegs but it ended up being cheaper to buy cases of beer. Cases and cases and cases. I had coolers all over my apartment

with just beer in them. People were just having two cases on each shoulder, literally just walking down the street. I mean, we ran out of gas. Yeah, sure. Why were you walking down the street? Exactly. It was fucking bonkers.

So you guys have had two great hurricane experiences. I'm going to die in a hurricane because of this. Something bad will happen eventually. Totally. That's a way to go out though, man. It was amazing. Completely unaffected. Partied for a week.

It was the best. What's wrong with you, Nimesh? How was your hurricane? My hurricane was terrible. I used to live at 34th and 1st. The hurricane happened. You know that big explosion that was- Yeah!

I saw that. It looked cool. My buddies saw it, too. That's probably not a good thing. Not great. The sky lit up, and it was green. I was like, I am fucked. I go downstairs.

There's a foot of water in my lobby. I'm like, oh, well, I can't leave. And then for three weeks, I didn't have power or electricity. And that's what you get for living in a nice place. I live in a fucking shitty place, and man, just party central. Couldn't even get to work. I actually texted Nemez because he didn't have power, and I remember he put a thing up on Facebook from his phone.

There's this crazy-ass picture he had of his lobby doors holding back the East River. It was like three feet up. And then I was walking around in my River. It was like three feet up. And then I was like going, I was walking around in my neighborhood. Everything was still open. I remember the bodega on the corner, like they had the door propped open to like let some of the breeze.

Because it was so nice out. This is balmy. What are people complaining about? I fucking watched TV for five days. It was fantastic. My internet did go out for like ten minutes, though. Oh, I know. But then I realized it was just because I didn't pay the bill.

So I called up and I paid the bill, and it was like back on. Nothing to do with hurricanes. Nothing at all. But yeah, KB, we just went back home for the holidays and everything. And for all intents and purposes, so everybody knows, I live with Kevin Barnett. So when I went back home, there was the first round of questions like, how was the flight, blah, blah, blah, what's the weather like right now? And everybody had Hurricane Sandy questions, and they wanted some amazing story.

It wasn't even just that I had a lame Hurricane Sandy story. It was my Hurricane Sandy story was that story that Kevin told where, oh, I went to the deli. I didn't even go to the deli. I just didn't even have any story. I just watched TV. But it was like, oh, it's kind of interesting that the deli was cool. Well, I'm just happy.

This whole experience, it makes me believe in a god again. So what did you do for three weeks with no power? You just hung out and jacked off or what? I did have to go to sleep that first night because my power went off at like 7 30 i was like well what am i gonna do i gotta go to sleep somehow what's the best way to go and you have no porn in this situation no porn i have to go blind just use my imagination oh my god look on that's awful that's awful not my america you were the Helen Keller. You're a brave man, Demetrius.

You're brave. I was in bed earliest I've ever been since I was like seven years old. You woke up at like 8 o'clock? 8 p.m. I woke up at like 5. I was like, oh, this is nice, finally. And then I went to my sister's place who had nothing. Like, she lives at 44th and 2nd. Don't go there, Barnett. And then she was. How sister's place who had nothing. Like, she lives at 44th and 2nd. Don't go there, Barnett.

And then she was. How old is your sister? 22. Oh, isn't that a nice age? For the cutoff. Fascinating. 24. Kevin, what's your cutoff on the Indian age?

Indians last longer, but I like the season. Get on crack, man. That is great. But, yeah, I just went to her place for like three days. And then I was like, I can't stay here. I can't shit comfortably because she has roommates and stuff. So I was like, I got to go home. So I went back to Jersey for two and a half weeks.

But like I didn't have power for three weeks. I would go back like once a week to just get updates from my building. And they'd be like, we can't do it. It would look like some fucking bomb went off. They had big-ass hazard trucks and tubes coming in and out, and I live in a relatively nice building, so to see it all destroyed,

I was like, what the fuck am I paying rent for? It's kind of cool. It's kind of sweet to live in an emergency area, even though it's horrible, but you get to actually see it in a way that no one got hurt, but you get to actually see it in a way that like no one got hurt. It's just like,

but you get to see like real crazy. But meanwhile, during all this, I'm walking around my neighborhood taking pictures and sending them

to the mess just to fuck with them. So I said, I went to the deli and I took a picture of the shit. I'm like, in the deli,

fully stocked, lots of snacks. The deli that I used to go to underneath my building was like shut down. Yeah. It was just like, Has it opened yet? Now you have to walk more than a block to get a coffee?

It was terrible, man. You don't understand. It's not right. We just made awesome food and ate mushrooms and washed me. It was great. And we laughed. There was a lot of laughter. There was so much laughter.

So much laughter. All the fucking bars were open, man. It was amazing. They were giving deals, like Hurricane Sandy deals. All the fucking bars were open, man. That was amazing. They were giving deals, like Hurricane Sandy deals. All the bars were packed. Everyone was partying like it was fucking... That was it. That was my New Year's.

I remember one point I called you because it was day six of this never-ending party, and I was just like, is this forever? Is this going to be happening forever that we're just going to party like nothing will ever turn back on ever again? Did you do the thing where you went at 30? Because 39th street was where the cutoff was where there was like power and then no i really wanted to go and like i live in long island city so you could see all of the mischief happening in the dark from across the river it was really scary i was convinced that there was some kind of mutation simulations going on down there.

Some huge... I think that something went down down there. I was like, my flashlight is not strong enough. No, it was just dudes grabbing butts. I love dudes grabbing butts. The only way that affected me a little bit, because I was supposed to do a shoot

and there was no way to get in there by public transit and they were like alright we're going to send a car for you for the shoot and so the car was supposed to

pick me up at 8 for like a 10am shoot and then it's like 8.20 I get a call from the car service like yeah we're going to be three and a half hours late

and that boy was like why even say that three and a half just come tomorrow so I was like shit shit I fucking had to Yeah, like, why do I do that? Three and a half is kind of a model. So I was like, I try. I was like, shit, shit. I fucking had to get it to shoot. So I tried to take the J up, and the J was working up only until, like, two stops before Manhattan.

And I was trying to catch a cab, like, by me. No cabs were there. I took the train up because it's busier up, like, by where it was at. And it just looked like it was the fucking end of the world. Like, I'm talking like hundreds if not thousands of people just waiting in line for buses or cabs and shit.

And so I just walked the fucking two miles to the ferry. So I took a fucking train, a boat, and then a bus to get to the shoot. The ferry was crazy too,

though, right? The ferry, there was like a line for like eight blocks. Did you meet up with John Candy? Did you guys have antics? I remember that movie. I liked that.

Planes, trains, and automobiles. You know that crane that was dangling? Yes. Oh, yeah. For me, that crane is literally in the zone that you can't go in. Or it was in the zone that you couldn't go in. What was happening in that zone? I asked you.

I bet they were burning the 9-11 documents. Government conspiracy. Building 7 was there. It caused Hurricane Sandy. So we weren't, like, I couldn't go to work for, like, two weeks because they didn't fix that situation. Hell yeah, dude. I was just chilling. Like, the first week, luckily I was off.

Like, I was just hanging out and, like, just running errands and shit. It's just a preview for when the fucking polls shift, man. I can't wait for that to happen, Henry. Polls are going to shift and the fucking Earth's going to go nuts, Brett. That's right. None of us is ever going to have to work ever again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not how it goes.

That's not what's going to happen. No more jobs. All right. Marcus, yes, but for a... I mean, because of the chaos of the ending of civilization. Oh, we're going to do great. I mean, still, because we're built for that. Marcus has new sniper boots. Yeah. Oh, he's got SWAT team boots. Yeah, he's got to do great. Maybe still, because we're built for that. Marcus has new sniper boots.

Yeah. Oh, he's got SWAT team boots. Yeah, I just got SWAT team boots in the mail. They're fantastic. You want to feel them? They're really sturdy. I know what they are. Yeah, they're Under Armour boots.

They're what SWAT teams use. My mobility is up 20%. All right, what's another news story, Marcus? Two strippers at an adult entertainment club in Juneau, Alaska, got into a fight after one of the strippers claimed a dollar bill offered by a customer was rightfully earned by her and not the other dancer. Shit is rough in Alaska, dude. I slapped him with my butt cheeks a good 35% harder than you did.

That dollar is mine. Yeah, they were 19 and 23. They were cited for disorderly conduct following the fight at Silk Exotic Juno Gentleman's Club. Ooh, very nice and classy. Any strip club that has the name of the city that it's based in makes me sad. Yeah, it's not good, especially when it's Juno, Alaska. They don't have pictures of these strippers? No, they don't.

They don't even have their names. I don't understand. What is with this reporting? You have one thing about giant breasts. Crystal and Diamond. Those are their names. It's impossible even understand. What is with this reporting? You have one thing about giant breasts. Crystal and diamond. Those are their names. It's impossible. Cinnamon.

Well, they sparkle. But you gotta realize this is Alaska, so you're looking at it like, oh, these strippers went crazy for this dollar, but there's probably four people in this town,

and they probably had to call the journalist and be like, hey, something happened with strippers, and he's like, there's strippers? They've also haven't had

daylight in three months. There's vampires everywhere. I've been asleep for 400 days because there's no daylight. I take that back. It is not Juno, Alaska. It is Juno, Wisconsin. Oh, it's genial. That's a whole different story.

What about you? If you want to change a story from Alaska to Wisconsin, you just have to add about 75 pounds. Yeah, I mean, I agree with you there. And the dollar goes a long way in Wisconsin, so I see why these girls were so adamant about getting it. I am. And I have been to quite a few backwoods strip clubs.

And, oh, my God. These girls, they are very intense, and they are very fat, and their breasts are huge, but they work hard for the money, and I understand why they fought over the dollar. They said, the sheriff said, I was surprised by this, as we seldom receive calls for service from this business. The two dancers got into a fight on stage over one dollar. A customer was trying to give one dollar to one of the dancers, but the other took exception

to it and felt that she had, quote, earned that dollar. She did earn it to give one dollar to one of the dancers, but the other took exception to it and felt that she had quote, earned that dollar. She did earn it though. There was one police officer at the time who said, well, I will rip the dollar in two. And we will see. And the one that says stop. She could get it.

The King Solomon of stripper stores. There were punches, there were slaps, and a lot of hair was pulled out. Oh, I bet. Very attractive. Yeah, nipple slaps. Of what? So did they both lose their jobs after this?

Oh, no. Why would they? Yeah. Free publicity. Vigorously scissoring each other. I want to go to that club. That's right. If you know that you go to the club where it's like, yo, dude, you throw a dollar onto

the catwalk, these bitches just fight for it. It's amazing. Eating a leg of lamb. I mean, that's perfect. That's exactly what you want to do. Eat a leg of lamb and watch two strippers fight over a dollar. It's not like it was an afternoon shift. Have any of y'all been to a strip club at like 4 o'clock on Tuesday night?

I love that time. You're the only one in there. You don't like that? No. For a good reason. It's it's terrible no it's wonderful they try to give you food when they're like buy food at the strip club yeah they're like here's some popcorn the bench warmers yeah never eat shrimp at a strip club this is got vagina guys are pretty good at it what is exactly Dude you know what it is

I don't know It's fucking in the air dude It's landing on all your food Is that like yeasty gas Or like just normal No you know that like green gas That comes out every time a woman gets wet Right

Oh wait you don't know what that's like I totally know about the green gas, by the way. That shit reminds me of fucking, in like middle school, this dude, one dude, I forget their names. One dude owed another dude a dollar. It was one dollar. And he didn't give it to him for like a week. And the guy came to school with a hammer and beat this dude with a hammer. With a hammer? You beat him for a dollar? With a hammer? That was not with a hammer. With a hammer?

That was not over a dollar. Nah, these are black kids, man. Oh, that makes sense. A dollar in the black community is equivalent to a dollar in Wisconsin. It goes a long way. It's not about the money, it's about winning the fight. He didn't see the dollar.

He saw the potato chips that that dollar was worth. That's amazing. So did he murder this guy? He didn't die, man. You've got to understand, black people got strong skulls. He's just doing great. It's mostly skull with the heads.

She's been a straight-A student after the beating. She's like, I'm brilliant now. I don't know what happened. Well, we got a local story now. Here in New York City, Ulanda Williams, who stands 6'5 and weighs 400 pounds. Man, looking at you. Don't look at me, Henry.

Fell through a New York City sidewalk while trying to get out of the rain. Saved by the belly. Saved by the belly. The New York Post headline. New York Post headline. I saw that. Saw the fat woman stuck in the sidewalk on the cover of the post. I was like, yoink, gotta buy it. I bought three copies of it because I thought it was so funny.

Saved by the belly. I'll tell you what. Beautiful. Kissel is a hoarder of one thing, and that's New York Post. Oh, yeah. And I have to throw them away when he's not around. Because if I try to throw them away when he's around, he's like, no, no, no, I still want to read articles in it. And I'll literally start

reading articles in that post in front of me just to make sure I don't lose it. So I have to throw it away, but I will say this. Saved by the belly, I have not thrown away, and it's going to stay. Can't throw it away. Thank you, Andrew. And I know when you throw them away, and I always feel a little bit sad. I you, Henry. And I know when you throw them away.

I always feel a little bit sad. I know. You have like a... Exactly. I feel bad when I do it, but it's for your own good. I feel like you think that having a lot of newspapers in the house makes you look like a well-read person. But it just makes you look like a crazy person. And that's the thing.

You forget that that is the number one cause of death of hoarders is a stack of newspapers falling off. We were talking about this the other day. They just fall over. We were trying to get people to hold them together. We were trying to figure out why you do this. And then I said, yeah, that's how hoarders die. Well, I think it's about maintaining the day, too.

It's like, this will never be replaced. This happened that day. One time. And it's only going to happen that one time. I thought, don't do it, man. That's going to be sad. Because if you die, there's going to be people that think it's Mike Lawrence. And that's going to be thumped through him. Don't do it, man. That's going to be sad because if you die, there's going to be people that think it's Mike Lawrence

and that's going to be fucked up because he's got a lot of fans, man. Oh, my God. Mike Lawrence was a fault of some kind of stretching machine. I mean, one fun thing about today is though if you're a twin, you know, you don't really have to have a mirror.

You can just kind of have your twin there. So that's one fun thing that we learned. Wait, wait, wait. I don't really have to have a mirror. You can just have your twin there. So that's one fun thing that we learned. Wait, wait. I don't understand. You didn't even go to Marcus' 30th birthday party. Don't bring it up! Don't bring it up right now. That's why I had two terrible jokes for Marcus.

That's my retribution. Yes, because then I feel bad. So do you do that every show for for me or just this one? Sometimes. Just every now and again for you. Well this woman was only standing in the same spot for 10 seconds before a 4 foot by 6 foot slab of concrete just collapsed into a

cellar in the front of the building. By the way she ran and took cover in front of an atomic wild wing. This is what I will say. I will say this. Run to where you know. I think I can already imagine what the sound was when that happened. I think it was something like, I'm going to find a picture for you guys. Rupert Murdoch tweeted,

how did this woman get so big? Welfare, food stamps. That's right. Like 20 minutes. It's like, no man, actually it's hard for you. Oh, she is not that unattractive. No, she fucking was proud of it.

She's like, it saved me. It saved me. It's like Monique plus precious. I respect her. This woman not going the rascal route, just going the cane. Hell yeah, she's a fucking dead shit. And what seems to be an IV drip. I respect her. This woman not going the rascal route. Just going the cane. Hell yeah. She doesn't fucking need that shit.

And what seems to be an IV drip. I like her socks. I just hope there was a bunch of black people around when she fell down. Because the one thing is that black people love people falling down. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That bitch is at home, man. I think it's black people and French people, right? That's their version of comedy.

They just can't get enough of it. If I had seen that, I would have thrown up. I would not have been able to get it. It's literally her stuck going like, You got to help me. You got to help me. I've been saved by my family. And she's like insane.

The New York Post guy's like, I'm not. David writes it down furiously. She basically did a backwards Mortal Kombat 2 uppercut. This is great. But she's going to live, huh? Oh, no, no, no. Can we read her statement?

Oh, yeah, please. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They asked her if there were any warning signs indicating there was any possible sidewalk danger. Nothing, nothing, she said. It happened so instantly that I didn't even recognize anything. Cement was all over me. Debris. They had a bed frame down there,

broken pipes and wood pieces. It was a hollow place. That was an amazing reading, Marcus. That was really dramatic. It was a hollow place. I also love the saying, it's like, I found love in a hollow place.

I was sitting there like, I was standing there approximately 10 seconds. And when that occurred, I just fell right through. When that occurred, when I stood fell right through. When that occurred, when I stood in his spot. When you broke the

world. When the earth literally shattered under your feet. But she rides a train every day. Right. How did she get on a train? I mean, who knows? It doesn't sound like the train's happy about it. She's not that big. She is huge.

She's 6'5", 400 pounds. Oh, I didn't realize she's 6'5". Oh, my God. She's 6'5". She's massive. Wow. I mean, you can see a woman standing right beside her. If you look.

Oh, wow. I didn't even notice that. Yeah, man. That chick is only 20 height. Oh, my. I didn't even notice that. Yeah, man. That chick is only two feet high than her. That is a bridge troll. She's like Lawrence Taylor. That's a big one.

Oh, my God. But, like, look at it from, like, the other angle, though. I mean, because, honestly, that means that if you're standing on that sidewalk.

Yeah, no, like, if you're waiting for your friend to come down and you're standing on a sidewalk with two other dudes, you're fucked. You're dead. Because you don't have a belly. Like, you're not for your friend to come down and you're standing on a sidewalk with two other dudes, you're fucked. You're dead.

Because you don't have a belly. You're not saved by the belly. That's true. She was literally stuck? I thought she just got saved. No, she got stuck from her belly. She had her body inside the earth and half was outside. They had to get a crane and a cargo net.

I mean, it's like you shoot a gossip girl or something. That's rough. It's ridiculous. The first thing, they had a guy from the zoo come, and he made these very intricate whale cries. And they had to use like seven darts. They had to tranquilize him. I mean, I would love to hear the sidewalk story. The sidewalk guy's like, I was just laying there.

And all of a sudden, boom, boom, boom, boom. She was a full woman. She was standing there approximately for 10 seconds. Yeah, this is a, what a great target. Phenomenal. Perfect subject. The sad thing is, if you would tell this woman when she was like 8 years old, you're going to be on the cover of the New York Post when you're 35.

It's going to be amazing. Oh, I wonder what I did. You fell through the world. You fell through the thing that's called the sidewalk that is literally created to make sure people don't fall. That's right. I mean, she's really remarkable. There are cars parked right next to you. Yeah, literally.

There are SUVs parked. How many people walked on the sidewalk, and then she was finally the huge straw that broke the sidewalk's back? This is what she was doing. She was waiting for the bus. So this woman was going to get on a New York City bus. All the tires go flat immediately. If I had a nickel.

You're starting to feel bad. You're starting to feel bad for this woman. I mean, saved by the belly is still great. New York Post is just staggering. I feel bad because I imagine her coming on the bus and everyone's just being like, whoa. Hello. Yeah, it's like, that sucks.

I feel bad enough that sometimes people look at me and they're like, she a whale and she's out the water. Splashing their sodas on her and shit. She's got to stay, cause her blowhole will dry up. She can't ever walk into a black community again. She'll be like, yo, that's the bitch

that fell through the sidewalk! Hey, bitch, watch your step! Better protect your stoop, now you protect your stoop. No, no, but Kevin, you know that she's going to get hollered at anywhere she walks. Like, hey, baby, what do you look like? Let me get your number. Like, girl, come on, come on.

Hey, come on. And she'll be like, no, sorry, thank you. Like on the subway or something. It comes back, the whole thing is a breast. The whole thing is a breast. Ah, yes. No, it's the belly. A man who was watching from inside the restaurant

was quoted as saying, the woman was enormous. They could have quoted me about it. He's talking about like a sea monster. They use her as an extra character in Rampage 4. She'll never be sunk, they said. She's the Titanic of people.

She's the Hindenburg of women. Do you think she's going to sue the city, though? Do you think she's going to kiss? She did it wrong. She was wrong. I mean, they called the guy who owns the property. They called the property matter. They had no violations against them, and this is what he said.

We never planned for a 400-pound, 6'5 black man to stand for 10 seconds. The Post called him about it. Remo Salta of Ridgewood, New Jersey, and he said his property has no violations. He said of Williams Fall,

quote, I didn't hear anything about this. What? I mean, that's a lie. He must be Greek. He's probably a Greek dude. Ignoring shit. Remo Salter? If a fat girl falls through the streets in Brooklyn, does she make a sound? Oh, shit! The man who said she was enormous said that she made no sound whatsoever, so it was more like a...

I'm in the sidewalk. It's like a goddamn'm in the sidewalk it's like a god damn cartoon it's just dangling beneath the sidewalk must have been the there's some Mexican bar back going to get some more Tecate's for atomic wings you guys

it's literally the funniest thing a chud ever saw People are getting weird And the chuds are like I know they are They are fat FDNY Fire Chief Thomas Jemmett And by the way the post wrote four separate articles About this

It's a huge story He said the woman had to be pulled up In a high angle rescue unit resembling a crane with cargo netting. He was quoted as saying, pretty sophisticated stuff. She is a very large person, but we were able to secure her and stabilize her and lift her out of the hole. They probably used Crisco on the outside.

Oh, yeah. She's like, can you stop licking all the Crisco off? We're trying to get you out of here. Oh, I'm sorry, y'all. No. Nimesh, I feel like we gave you like a 10 minute fucking stand up. licking all the Crisco off. We're trying to get you out of here. I'm sorry, y'all. I feel like we gave you a 10-minute fucking stand-up. This shit is great, man.

You're ready to go. You can't attack fat people in person. You can do it on the radio. And also, we're like 90% fat. We're all fat. I mean, we're a fat podcast. If it was a skinny person who fell through the... Well, no, it's just funny. She would have fat. Yeah, if it was a skinny person who fell through the sidewalk.

Well, no, it's just funny. She would have died. Yeah, exactly. Also, the skinny person wouldn't have fallen through

the sidewalk. I mean, I can twinkle toe over any fucking sidewalk. All right, SWAT shoes. It's 20%

lighter, man. That's the thing. This chick has to think about this for the rest of her life. She is too

fat for modern civilization. You are too fat for infrastructure. Imagine all the times in your life where you feel perfectly safe. You're standing on the sidewalk. You're like, I'm in no danger. But for the rest of her life, even if she's just standing on the sidewalk, she has to go like, oh, I don't know. She's grabbing people from the mountain.

She's like, you ain't never going to know when the ground's going to break. I don't know. I don't know. I'm sorry, Yolanda. I just think it's a unique situation. That's her memoir, when the ground breaks. She probably felt it as soon as she landed on the second level. She started singing, nobody.

And she would be right. And she would be dead right. And by the way, Henry, her name is Oolong. I feel like you're damning your kid. I feel like you're damning your kid if you put the word ew in the right name.

Oolong! That cane company just got a free fucking endorsement. I mean, that's no doubt. We supported this bitch. Yeah. Sidewalks couldn't. I mean, the cane company used to have their next photo used to be an SUV holding up that cane.

We supported that woman and a car. I mean, Jesus Christ. What a gorgeous. This is the best story in the world. It's the best. This is the best story in the world. It's the best ever. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Truth or lies.

Truth or lies. So we're going to go around. Everyone's going to say either a truth or a lie. Then we go around in a circle, guess whether it's a truth or a lie. Marcus scores it. You'll see how it runs runs I'll start it off my truth or lie I have never

shaved my ball or bush hairs shave or like cut grooming no grooming I'm talking Adam and Eve Straight up Untouched AdamandEve.com

And put the code CCR for discounts Do we call it a lie or truth like immediately Or we go around We'll start with the person to your left So Kevin truth or lie Lie I'm gonna say I'm gonna say that's true because you don't have pubic hair yet.

Okay. Nimesh? That's got to be a lie, man. Look at your face. I think lie. Okay. Truth. Okay.

Utterly. You're disgusting. Yeah! He's disgusting, but he has a girlfriend. Yeah, but she doesn't give a fuck. Maybe she doesn't give a fuck. Maybe she likes that shit. She doesn't care. Obviously she doesn't.

You choke. You will choke. She doesn't give a fuck. Maybe she likes that shit. She doesn't care. Obviously she doesn't. You choke. You will choke. She doesn't suck his gross dick. That's a lie because Holden seems like a smart guy and you have to be a fucking idiot not to trim your shit. Yeah. Truth! Yeah!

Fuck you, Larry. And that's why the first podcast I ever did with Holden, Brain of the Beast, I was the beast, he was the brain, he's an idiot. Okay, show of hands who got it right. Ben did. You never done. Yo, that's gross. Yeah.

It is gross. I washed them. I lathered them. Yeah, but still you got it. You are a fucking idiot. You have one of those ball hair situations that your ball hair is never like grow. I'm horrified of putting a razor close to. But you know what a ball hair is.

Use a scissor. It's not a. I don't get it. I have a lot of hair on my balls themselves. I don't really have a. I got a huge bush. Yeah, I have a huge bush. Not a lot of ball hair Use a scissor. It's not a... I have a lot of hair on my balls themselves. I don't really have... I got a huge bush. Yeah, I have a huge bush, not a lot of ball hair. You gotta trim.

You manscape. I'm due for a trim. The electric deal. The electric deal. Not a razor. When you say razor, it sounds bad. Wait, you don't trim? I just use scissors.

You have to trim. I should have made... Use scissors? Yeah, use scissors. Oh, wow. Like, just like regular kitchen scissors. I mean, I'm interested in... I'll tell you what. You don't want to go bald. You know, same shit. I'll bring. Oh, wow. Scissors? You have to use scissors. Never use a razor. I'll tell you what.

You don't want to go bald. I'll bring... Okay, just first of all, keep in mind, note to self-care, never use scissors at Marcus's house. Did anyone hear what you said? That he uses kitchen scissors to cut his pubic hair? Oh, that's gross. That got no reaction?

No, that's gross. Same thing if you just cut, he's like, you're going over to Marcus's house for dinner, he's like making like cornish hands. That's right. I was like, hey, Henry, he's like, you're going over to Marcus' house for dinner, he's like making like cornish ham. That's right. I was like, hey, Henry, oh, I'm so glad you came. Did you bring wine?

You know, it was like, all right, I'll tell you what, I'm going to do it. I'll, I'm going to do it. I'll talk to you guys about the results.

You'll never go back to just having Bush. No, but it's so much better. I like my big fuzzy bush. It's like a teddy bear now. Oh, it's disgusting. All right.

The world's worst teddy bear. I use a hungry rabbit. All right, Kevin, what do you got? Oh, shit. Yeah, I didn't even think of anything yet. Do we need to skip you? Yeah, skip me. Okay, cool.

Can I be skipped as well? Okay. Let me see here. Truth or dare? Truth or lie? I know mine. Jackie, Jackie, you know yours. What is it?

When I was 19, I got a stick and poke tattoo that says princess on the top of my thigh. Like right over here. Okay. Henry. I'm going to say that that's a lie. Yeah. Larry. That's a lie.

Lie. I'm going with lie because Henry said it was a lie And Henry wouldn't know the best I would not know I wouldn't know Because it would be something I don't look at her upper leg But I think that she

Didn't do that I'm going to say that it's true Why don't you love me enough? I'm confused I'm going to A princess tattoo At what age? 19

No you don't fancy yourself a princess. She was also disgusting when she was 19. She was doing lots of... Oh, so sort of ironic. I'm going to go true. You should, because you're the first one. The match. I'll say true.

Why not, man? Okay. What do we got? In actuality, it said fat. I did get a stick and poke tattoo, and it says fat. So it was a lie? It's a lie. A lie? It's a lie. A lie.

It's a half truth. Since everybody else chose correctly, Ben, I'm just taking away your point from the last one. What the fuck have I done to deserve that? I'm at negative. You didn't show up for my 30th birthday party. Oh my god. No matter what. It doesn't stay, though.

It goes away because when you're drugging a stick of poke bed too. Oh my God. No matter what. It doesn't stay, though. I don't know. No, it doesn't stay. It goes away because when you're drugging, you stick a Bottek, too. What's stick and poke? When you light a needle and you put ink on the edge of it and you like... Oh, my brother did that. Yeah, she was so stupid. He was stupid. I thought that was like a movie or something.

I have one. Okay, Henry. I once ate $70 worth of barbecue. True. That's true. You already heard mine. True, Kevin.

I'm going to say false because I believe your joke will be you ate $90 worth of barbecue. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, it's going to be one of these other fucking half-lie, half-true things. You going live as well, Namesh? Yeah, I'm going to call live. Y'all Zebrowski niggas be writing.

He's $71.50 worth of barbecue. Gotcha! Ryan Cutters. He's fat and he loves barbecue. Not as fat as he used to be. Hey,? He's fat, and he loves barbecue. Not as fat as he used to be, but... Hey, you've lost weight, man. I'm very sick.

I would say it's false. False. What do we got, Henry? It is true. Yeah! I thought it was going to be like a $90... I ate $70 worth of Hill Country barbecue. It was accidental.

How old were you? By yourself? This was like three years ago. I didn't realize how much food I had got. It was accidental. How old were you? By yourself? This was like three years ago. I didn't realize how much food I had got. You were disgusting. And I ate all of it. Hill Country, I was there. It was after our show. I had a $7 bill.

It was a $7 bill and I was like, and they're like, you are the biggest fatty. It was great actually. They were very happy. I got it right. I always fucking lose this happy. I got it right. Holden and Kevin? I got it right. You're not even keeping it right, Beth.

I always fucking lose this game. I win every other game we play. With this game, I'll never win. No, Ed wins every other game we play, and that's just because he's fat enough to win. Well, because Ed and I are always on the team as well, so we always win. I miss Ed. I miss Ed, too. Ed, shout out to Ed. He's so sad.

Ed. Ed. I miss Ed too. Ed, shout out to Ed. Ed. If you've seen, if anyone's listening to Ed's promos for Adam and Eve products, they are fucking very funny. I put them at the beginning of every episode. Yeah.

Alright, I have met Nemesh's sister and she is into me. Okay. Oh, which part of his life? Well, I do. It's interesting because it's his perspective. and she is into me. Okay. Which part of his lie? It's interesting because it's his perspective. Right.

Because she's not into you. But it's like, what did you think that she was? What does he believe? What does your sister look like? Can you just give a quick rundown? Fucking like Nimesh but beautiful. So you're

just as tall, same hair, stubble? We're gonna be together! Okay, just if you have to sell your sister to let's just say me. I'm not doing that at all. Henry does it all the time, man! She's hideous, and none of you should even look at her. But how tight?

On a scale of one to tight. Is her name Sujo? That's my cousin. Okay. Is her name? Her name is Noka. Are you just making up names? Did you just Google Indian woman in the mesh?

Let's see her, then I'll be able to better guess. She is gorgeous. Oh, my God. That's your sister, dude? You guys can't believe this fucking move. Hachi match. Oh, my God. Some things just never change.

That's how bad you are. Those are my family members. I love your family. Look at all those kids. God, look at that sister of yours. Man, that sister. Knock off a tail. You've got good breasts, too.

Tiny Namesh is wearing glasses. Why did I agree to do this? I don't know. I have no idea why you did. You forget Marcus has the information in his fingertips. So come on, the main event. I'm going to say an absolute lie because that woman is far, far too attractive. Ben, lie, Nimesh.

Lie, right? Immediately. That's a lie. No, it's got to be a lie. I know how Jackie plays her horrid games, and I think that she... She'd fuck you just to hurt Nimesh. She would just play a mental game just flirting with you

knowing how much it tortures her older brother that doesn't mean that she's actually into him it's his perspective she's playing a game because censors torture her brothers are we done? Larry the man who knows Kevin best possibly in this circle

what do you say? that's the truth. I'm going to go with true because Larry said it was true. Kevin? I have not met her. I told you! I told you! You didn't give it away!

They've never fucking met. And if they did, she would be repulsed because she hates people named Kevin. She is into me. She's heard about me. I'm on the internet. Who got it right? I got a point. I got it right. Thank you, Marcus, and please don't judge me harshly. How dare you motherfuckers say true.

What have you seen? I just had to go over there and check. Namesh is spite all the time. She's a Zabrowski woman. You have to spite your brother. No, my sister loves me very much. I love him. I fucking love him.

Well, Nimesh, what is your truth? Or lie. I once got so blackout drunk that I called my parents at 4 in the morning and told them to come get me from my NYU dorm room. All right. And you're from New Jersey. They live in New Jersey. I think you were going to say New Delhi,

which was kind of racist. No, that's what you heard. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You put it on. Yeah, that's how your brain finished that sentence. Yeah, from India Town. As soon as you say it, it's like India Town. You gotta be careful what you say, man.

You don't want to tarnish Mike Lawrence's name. Alright, this is ridiculous. If I hear one more goddamn Mike Lawrence reference, I will murder him. Lawrence. I will kill him. You can't. And first of all, Lawrence. Does that joke get a D in a vote?

Lawrence. Yeah, you can't murder Mike Lawrence because he came to my birthday last year. Yeah, we had a great time. If you are a twin, you don't need a mirror. You just need to have another twin around. I say false. Jackie, false. Henry. Jesus Christ. I say false. Jackie, false. Henry.

I say true. Larry. That's the truth. True. Kevin. False. It's true. Yeah!

You are sad. You a sad man. I know the shit out of the man whose sister I love. All right, Larry, you're next. Kevin, I'm going to cut your dick off. Yeah, that's fun. Kevin, are you Kevin, I'm going to cut your dick off. Yeah, that's fun. That's very serious of him to cut your dick off. Because you tried to whisper as if this isn't all recorded.

Just to let you know, I will cut your dick off. I will cut your dick off. What you got, Larry? I have had my dick around something fictional. Around? What do you mean? Nearby. Like a flashlight?

Fictional. Fictional. Fictional. Like Huckleberry Finn? Maybe. What the fuck? That doesn't make any sense. Out nearby something fictional? Yes.

Very close to a fictional thing. Like Manti Tael, like fake girlfriend type situation? Well, like a model of like, what, like a unicorn or some shit? Like, what do you mean? Like the unicorn. Like the Loch Ness Monster? Because that's a lie. It has to be a lie.

Well, I'm trying to expand the thing. Go ahead. You have made zero sense so far, so please. It sounds like a weird sort of thing we're supposed to learn from, like a cone. Like a Buddhist cone. I'm going to go with, it's abstract, but I'm going to go with truth. I'll go with true. I mean, I'm going to go with It's abstract But I'm gonna go with truth I'll go with true I mean I'm gonna go with a lie

Okay Nimesh True I don't even know what it means Yeah Yeah I'll true it Okay I'll true

What's up It's so vague It could be evil No it's a lie Yes It was a model of a truffula tree See this is why I like you so much Because I don't understand you

But I think it's wonderful So Ben you were the only one that got it right. And I think I'm currently in the lead. Just put him at negative anyway. He wasn't there last night. I was with the woman of my dreams trying to find internal happiness. She doesn't even smoke

weed. She's not the woman of your dreams. I don't like women who smoke weed. Kissel, what is your truth or lie? We're going to finish this out. Well, it's not a funny thing or anything. When I was in third grade, second, third, and fourth grade, I would get on the public school buses, and my mission was to never speak. And I was very shy, and I was very introverted. And so in third grade, I spoke four words the entire year.

Whoa, daddy. Namesh. Yeah, why not? True, man. Jackie. You ain't that creative. Make thatamesh. Yeah, why not true, man? Jackie. You ain't that creative to make that shit up. Yeah, I mean, sometimes he includes details, though, just to throw you off. I was going to say the devil is in the details.

I'm saying false. I'm saying true. True? That's false because he wouldn't shut the fuck up that year. I'm going to go with false because six things, eight things, not four things. Yeah, false. Holding Me Nearly is dead on. I said nine things.

There you go. No, no, I'm dead serious. I said nine words and I sat in the middle and all I would say, I would stare out the window and I would be like, I'm not going to talk to any words, I'm not going to say any words and people would say very mean things to me. I believe the fuck out of that do you know Ben Kissel people of the number of words devil details many Davis one devil if it's one

specific I mean that's you know it's how you play the game Marcus who won it well who got that last one right? Right here. Would you even believe me if I raised my hand? No, he's not going to believe you. This is just sex. I feel like the fix is in here, Marcus. Larry just raised his hand. All right, well, we have a tie between Holden and Kevin.

How did I win this? I'll do a tiebreaker question. All right, what do you got? Can we all play? If this is about me missing your 30-year birthday party, I will fucking murder you. No, no, no. It's about my sexual history. Okay, what do you got? Can we all play? If this is about me missing your 30th birthday party, I will fucking murder you. No, no, no. It's about my sexual history. Okay, what do you got?

I have slept with exactly 30 women. Weird. 30th birthday. True. 30 women. False. True!

Yeah! I fucking won one! I've never won one! Oh, he wins in his own game, everybody! I've never won a game! wins in his own game, everybody. I've never won a win. I want to win. Congratulations. I swear you told me higher than that before, like a year ago.

30, that's fucking impressive. That was a drunken lie. Oh, my goodness. Well, I hope your sister is 31. I did an official count a couple weeks ago. How many do you remember? 30 wins? I couldn't have to remember that.

Well, the count had to take place over like two weeks because I kept having to add it like, oh, I forgot about Caitlyn. Was this with you and your lady? It started with me and my lady. She was very curious. Yeah, yeah. That's great, man.

You never talk about that shit. I don't got no standards, though. Yeah, that's true. I don't think I'm 30. You're not 30? Yeah, well, I mean, a couple of true. I don't think I'm 30. I've only never known loves. A couple of those were definitely over 10. Sounds like you had a

boring life. And a couple of those were also date rapes. So you count them as half. What? Wait a second. Hold your way. Date rapes. Date rapes on him. Remember we've talked about it. Oh yeah, I've been raped. Not me date raping women

no sounds like you date raping when he fully rapes a woman he counts it as two oh that's why he got the last ten that's the fucked up thing

one for the sex one for the chase how does a dude get can you explain this I've always been curious I've never met I've raped a man before yeah yeah

just a girl getting you like wasted hand like just keeps bringing you more and more and more drinks i've been you guys so drunk how can you get so drunk that you don't know what's happening i get whiskey dick well no no i don't get whiskey see i get whiskey dick where i just can't like i've never there's been i think maybe once or twice in my life that i remember where i wasn't able to get a hard on because i was drunk it's never happened to me

yeah but like you know just wait i. It happens when you get old. Kevin, how devastated are you now that you've been physically violated by a woman? Are you doing okay? I have no problems with it, but it's like, Jesus Christ, it's happened before. How many times have you been raped? I think twice. Did they put condoms on you? Yeah, about twice.

Twice? Did they condom you? One of them did not. Her name was Lucky. Then you didn't have to. That's why she's been underneath. She was a Chinese restaurant. I was like 19.

She was a punk kid. The other girl's name was Bingus. Big old Bingus came into town, took Marcus with her. All right. Well, I win. Let's wrap it up. That's Jackie Henry. Holden, thank you for being here.

Kevin. Larry, thank you so much for being here. And Nimesh Patel. Thank you for having me. And of course, check out Nimesh Patel's show. It's on Wednesdays at 7 p.m. at Legion Bar. Make sure you go there. That'll be perfect.

They're over, of course, in Manhattan. Mike Lawrence, when are you playing next, man? Where are you going to be? Well, I'll be on John Oliver's cock in about three hours. Yeah! Hey! Gay joke!