The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 130: Jackie's Show

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 130th episode of the Round Table: a Japanese man bites his so-called possessed by a snake son to death, a naked Florida man breaks into a house and masturbates and defecates in multiple spots, and a grandmother and grandson in Indiana are planning on having a child together. Joining us today: Jermaine Fowler!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. Concrete jungle wedges are made of. There's nothing you can't do.

I feel like a janitor in a cycle. What are you going to do? Alright. Yeah! He is a fucking New York's, bitches! Alright. Uh, Jackiey you're on prayer Please pray I'm on prayer

Yes Goody goody gum drops for me You just eat enough time And for everybody else Do you mind Have a thought Hey Marcus Do you mind if

Bushwick Gospel Choir Closes out tonight They said later is better Not at all So I'm gonna ask them If they want 10 o'clock or 11 Cause I figure we'll do 9, 10, and 11

I thought we'd start over You could talk and 11. Are you talking about business? You could ask me that after the show. Yeah, dog. Why are you asking that right now? I'm just getting back to it. I got business. We just started the show.

We just started the podcast. Oh, you did? Yeah. What is wrong with you? Okay, Mark, please continue with prayer. How much resin did you smoke today? None.

You need to smoke resin, Holden, every day until you smoke weed. Yeah, you'll get you in the game, man. You can't be in the middle of fucking Google. You can't be Mr. Google over there. It's off his meds, his resin. We were singing this song and then... All right, it's fine.

Please continue, Jackie. Oh, man, I'm thanking everybody today for butter. Who loves butter? Me. I like butter. Yeah, man, I fucking ate so much butter today. What? And I swear, that's why I feel so bad.

That's why my soul feels so fucking good. You just eaten straight butter? No man, you gotta put butter on everything. That's the key. Is it? It is currently leaking in the studio. Where is that from? I thought I was hearing something.

I thought that was a Zen fountain. Yeah, sorry, guys. That's from the upstairs bathroom. Oh, that's the water coming in. Well, let's continue with the most awkward intro to Roundtable of All Time. I'm done. I can't. Wait a second.

I'm over. Is that shit water? No, no, that's just the sink. Yeah, but it's like, it's making me want to pee. So it's dirty hand water. All we hear is... What the fuck is going on in here?

Should we record today? Alright, I think we should. Can we just say amen for butter? Yeah, but I was like in the middle of my diatribe that I had worked on for hours. Can you just give us the bullet points? Yeah. I'm a chicken. Amen.

That was gonna end with that? That's amazing. Alright, who's everybody here? I'm a chicken. Amen. That was going to end with that? That's amazing. Alright, who's everybody here? I'm a chicken. My name's fucking Henry Zebrowski. The gravitational pull of Ed Larson is pulling me to LA this fucking week. I'm going to go over there because he's Jupiter and I'm a fucking sexy

astronaut woman. I'm going to go collide to his big, fat, dumb body. Beautiful astronaut woman. I'm Holden McNeely. I, fat, dumb body. Beautiful astronaut woman. I'm holding McNeely. I am not on top of it today. Zonkers. Zonkers is not a way to replace the good feeling. I'm fucking ready for it.

Sitting there for the very fat, disgusting Kevin Barnett. We've got the very thin and attractive Jermaine Fowler, I suppose. Barnett, while he's in LA. You'll be going pretty soon and stuff to see Kevin, I'm hopefully sure. Is he there? He's there. What's he doing? Nothing. Probably nothing.

He probably lied to me. Probably nothing. He's just selling hamburgers. I feel like he got a new job working a taco truck somewhere. I assume because how many times he's been replaced on stand-up posters with your face and Chase's face, it's just like, well, I don't think he's actually a professional stand-up posters with your face and Chase's face. It's just like, well, I don't think he's actually a professional stand-up.

I've never seen him do comedy. I realize that. Last time I've seen him do a set, it's been about a year. Yeah. Yeah, he doesn't do it, does he? The last time I saw him perform, I think, was on Letterman. That turned out to be Chase. He's bringing a lunch pail to a park and he sits there feeding the pigeons all day.

I saw him doing that. I actually saw him doing that. He fucking loves those pigeons, though, man. You've got to love a man that loves pigeons. He does crack the shit up with his penguins. Why wouldn't you like pigeons, man? Why wouldn't you? In Jamaica, they don't have pigeons.

No. I mean, for dinner, they do. What do they have? Like, flarks or, like, some weird bird no one's ever heard of? Yeah, snuggles, man. You know those little snuggles? What is a snuggle like? How big's that be?

Oh, man, it slithers at you. It's got no legs. It's got no legs. Jackie, man, it slithers at you. It's got no legs. It's got no wings. Jackie, Jackie, you're talking about a snake. It's called a snake. No, no, no. That's a snake. No, it's a bird, man.

Stop calling it a snuggle. You have to watch out for it. Can it fly? Oh, hell no. No wings. Okay, I think that's a snake. It's a snake. I'm pretty sure, yeah.

They got snuggles of the ocean. They're called fish. Yeah. Snuggles of the ocean are called fish. Snuggles of the sky are birds. So there you go. I am Ben Kissel, and that is Marcus Parks with the news. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy?

Well, we're going to start off with a snake story. Oh! Snuggles! Snuggles! Snuggles! Snuggles! 53-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of biting his adult son to death to get rid of a snake haunting him.

Wow. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It was haunting the kid or him? The kid. So he killed his kid by biting him to death. How do you do that? Well, this is in Japan. Oh! They're radioactive still.

Yeah. They actually are starting to believe that the whole island is so irradiated that like. A bite. Like Japanese, Japan could be over like soon. Yeah. No way. Yeah.

They're too small. It is. The leak was so gigantic out of the Fuchikakiaki, whatever the name is. Fukushima. The Fukushima. That was almost racist, by the way. No, no, never racist. The Fukushima.

The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima.

The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima.

The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima.

The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The Fukushima. The shaka shaka shaki. Yaki taki. They're fucking Toyota fucking. Soy bean. I mean, it's very dangerous to be a Japanese bukkake girl right now. Some just turn into pure rubble after all that, you know, toxic semen hits their face. That plutonium semen. Yeah.

TV Asahi said Katsumi Nagaya seriously injured his son Takuya on Friday at the younger man's apartment in Okazisidi Aichi Prefecture I love the way they sound They sound very pleasant Especially from a Texan

He injured his son by headbutting and biting him after the 23 year old began writhing around and claiming to be a serpent I'm a snake! I'm a snuggle! He and claiming to be a serpent. I'm a snake! I'm a snuggle! He was fucking with his daddy, man. Oh, daddy, I'm a snuggle. I'm a snuggle.

I feel like that's like a normal Tuesday night in Lubbock, right? I mean... Oh, yeah, just like writhing around like, I'm a snake! Daddy, I'm a snake! Some would tell Clem to stop sucking out the old well because you know it's filled with cow shit. This is Japan, not Florida, right?

Yeah, this is Japan. Yeah, yeah. I've got some Florida stories coming up. Don't worry. Damn, I miss Florida. Ooh, I've heard a good thing from Florida a long time. I love it. There is not a good thing that happens in Florida.

You have to be really fucked up, though, to be able to bite someone to death, right? Yeah. So do you bite at their neck? Yeah, right? Did he bite the neck? Well, I really, this is a story that is bereft of details. How would you kill someone, though, if you bit them to death? Well, he said he head-butted him as well.

He head-butted him, gave him some kind of concussion, and then he passed out, and then he bit open a big chunk of neck or something, and he bled out. Well, it's sort of up there with the Miami zombie situation. Did he peel back this kid's skin and reveal the disgusting flesh he has on the inside? Why didn't you just slap him like you do with an hysterical woman? Why didn't you just let him be a snake and laugh at his shenanigans? I mean, he's poor.

Stop it. Don't hit her, Henry. Don't hit her, Henry. Maybe the dad was upset and he was like, that's not a snake. This is a real snake. And then he bit him. He was the snake. He was the dad pretending to be a snake as well? That's your theory.

Maybe a mongoose. That's just about to say that. You figured it out. He told police he had attacked his son in order to remove the snake from his mind. And I guess he did. That's what mongoose do. That's what the fuck they do.

They fucking eat snakes to get the snake demons out of the snakes. It's a religious animal. Did you go to college? This is great. Snake college. Dude, if anybody ever tries to get the snake out of my mind, man, I'm going to be so pissed. I love the snake in my mind. What would you do if someone comes at you chomping at the bits trying to get those snakes out of your brain?

Dude, first of all, yeah, no one fucks with my little de-goodles. That's his name. Oh, the snake snoogle, the de-goodle. Snoogle, the snoogle, the snoogle, the snoogle. And if they fucking release him, he's going to run for president. Whoa. And he's going to win. First ever snake president.

First ever snake president. We're not ready for that. This country ain't ready for that. Yeah, I don't think so. I don't think he's going to get elected. We need a snake rapper to come out with a song 20 years from now. I think that's called... We're not ready for a snake president.

20 years from then, we'll be ready for one. Isn't that what the Asian dude in Tremors did? What's that? Ate the snake? Ate the Tremors? He bit the Tremors and stuff. Oh, yeah. I think that was in the movie.

He probably should have bit them and stuff. Maybe he's lying. That's wild. So what's going to happen to this dad? Are they going to let him go because of his unbelievably good reason to kill his son? I have given all of you guys all the information I have. Yeah, I think they're just waiting for the

autopsy report to see if there was in fact a snake in this child's mind. Yeah, that's a good point. It's also, claiming to be a serpent is just very difficult. It's still just being like, you know, like I am a snake. I am a snake. I am a snake.

Would you imagine if they opened that fucking kid's brain up and a snake came flying out the window? It's like, not guilty. This is amazing. That's all right. It's like half snake, half man. Whoa, y'all. This is fucked up.

That's not what these sound like. What does this valley do? Oh, y'all. This is fucked up. That's not what these sound like. What does this valley do to you? Oh, y'all. I want to do the alien research that is going to be your autopsy, Holden. We have to film your autopsy. What is inside of you? Definitely. Once they get through all the nipples, it's going to be a real weird time.

Layers of nipples. I just feel like randomly inside of your body, though, just rogue nipples. Like inside of his liver. We got another one. Put it in the nipple bucket. Yeah, just throw it in the nipple bucket, otherwise known as the trash. Alright.

Yeah, and now going to the aforementioned Florida story, deputies in Fort Myers say they tasered and then arrested a naked man who broke into a home to steal a television but then masturbated and defecated after the homeowner pulled a gun. This is actually the, that is the way you defend yourself against a gun. I agree.

Because number one, you can't run out of there. You're not going to wrestle out of his hands. You go, the first thing you look at him, and you'll be like, oh, I'm talking about Nick, I'm a shit, I'm a shit, I'm a shit, I'm a shit, I'm a shit, and then the guy is going to go like, oh, you know, just get on out of here. Get on out, bro.

I'm going to shoot you back now. But, okay, so he saw the gun and then he shat and masturbated? Uh-huh. Cool. It's weird. So was he hard before he saw the gun or didn't he see? He was naked when he ran in. Okay.

So he was in a good way. He was there to masturbate. There's extenuating circumstances. This is some kind of like Terminator coming from the future kind of scenario that we don't some weird extrapolated Scientology thing that we'll never get that's the thing

you think so all trouble is masturbating yeah because people from the future have radiated cum we've been over this with the Japanese story absolutely

it came back in time if he had gotten off on the dude that dude would have melted to the ground and they also arrived naked if he had shot like a tendril

like rope out of his dick, like Spider-Man, and captured the guy in a net of his splooge web, then this would be an amazing story. That would be a lot of fun. I wish that could actually happen. Go go poo-poo bomb. He has to pull on his dick

to shoot out a poo-poo bomb out of his ass. What's the poo-poo bomb consist of? Poo-poo. It's a future crime. Maybe the TV had Skynet secrets in it. Yeah, could be. I have a timeline. Uh-oh.

Here's what happened. The victim said that Bruni, who was naked, his name is Gregory Matthew Bruni. And here's a picture of this little dipshit. Oh, he looks like he jacks off to weaponry. He looks like Holden. He does. Holden, have you ever jacked off to an AK? Oh, my God.

It was a 12-gauge shotgun, by the way. Oh, a shotgun. I did have Ed's AK under my bed, and I would get stripped down naked and pull it out. His smile is disgusting. He has Henry's smile, but Holden's face. Oh, it's all true. It's true. They had a trial. He looks like he works at a headen's face. Oh, it's all true. It's true. They had a trial.

He looks like he works at a head shop or something. Yeah. He makes mannequins. Here's the timeline. He doesn't look like he makes mannequins. I make my own mannequins. Just like me. It's like he was naked.

I was posing. You want some doo-doo pie? Here's the timeline. pie. Here's the timeline. The victim said that Bruni, who was naked, ran into the living room and broke a 72-inch television in the process. Some dude fucking touches my television

and I'm going to shoot him in the back of the head. Absolutely. He did it in the process of pulling it off the wall. The suspect then spilled the contents of a wet dry vac onto the floor as Bruni was allegedly headed to where guns were stored in the son's bedroom. Hold on. A wet dryback? Wet dryback.

He emptied a vacuum. Oh, okay. I thought it was like a Mexican reference. Oh, my. That's racist. That's racist. I'm just saying. A wet dryback. No, that was funny.

A dryback. A fucking song joke validated by African-American men. We are good to move on. One of those Aztec drybacks. Wet drybacks. Drybacks coming in. Or wait, is it, I'm too dumb to think about racism.

That's how it goes. As Bruni was allegedly heading to where guns were stored in the son's bedroom, the wife fired three shots from a.38 revolver, possibly as a warning. An arrest report indicated that Bruni fell to the floor and began masturbating. He then ran to the son's room and rubbed his face with clothing. Here's a quote from the homeowner.

This is what he told the 911 operators. He's laying on my floor. He ran into my fucking house naked, hooting and hollering and tearing shit up. The husband retrieved a 12-gauge shotgun and held Bruni at gunpoint until police arrived. According to the arrest report, Lay down, motherfucker, lay down. The husband could be heard shouting.

When deputies arrived, they said Bruni was flailing around on the floor and not making any sense. At one point, he sucked the water from the spilled vacuum into his mouth and spit it back out. Bruni was eventually shocked with a taser after he tried to flee several times. Eventually shocked with a taser after he tried to flee several times. Deputies later discovered Bruni defecated near the front door and in a hallway inside the residence. He had to shit that much? Double. Twice. He got to shit somewhere.

Maybe he just needed a place to shit. Maybe he just had a fucking loco burrito from a fucking stand. Maybe that's the custom of the future. Maybe the hot sauce got him all crazy. Kevin Barnett fed him some bad beef at the local burrito stand. He shat all over the stew. Gotta watch out for that beef. Yeah, absolutely.

Putting his dick in and shit. I mean, let's just ask the obvious question here. They have no idea what he was on. Exactly. But what could he have been on To do it Meth I mean It's fucking Florida

It's the fucking salt Meth does loosen up the bowel though I don't think this is meth Because meth heads Meth heads are fucking clear Exactly He wouldn't be babbling Fucking sucking up dry vac

Laying on the goddamn floor I mean this has to be a cocktail of some sort Oh yeah Definitely Unless he's playing a dead herring and he's a part of something bigger. What makes you crazy horny and also makes you need to shit really bad?

Sex. Meth. Sex. I think it's a drunk... Maybe it's a drunken meth situation. I mean, maybe that's what made him babble and he got wasted and did meth. Maybe he won the clearinghouse.

He won the check for $50 million. You ever jack off in the toilet? Will you take a little dumpers? No. Some folks do. When I get hot, I hash it. Yeah, occasionally that's the case. You shit as soon as you get hot?

When I get hot, I hash it. That's weird. That's gotta be awful for your sex life. Hold on, baby. I need 30 minutes in the bathroom, and now I'm going to come back. You still wet? You best be wet. And then she lays in bed, hears the footsteps, scamper into the bathroom, door closed, and

then just like. Oh, fuck. Yeah. Hell yeah. Damn, you are sexy. Just lie there as I get my slippery sheets out. This will be fun. Oh, my God.

I read a story online today about, or the other day, about a girl that had to shit so bad in the morning, but she was with like a new dude, that she took a bucket out back and shit in the bucket so he wouldn't hear her. That's so much grosser. So much grosser. Go to the toilet. How do you know that? It was on Reddit. The guy found out eventually, right? No, the guy never found out.

That was the point. Did she bury it? She went on to her. It was the girl that told the story, right? The girl told the story. Man, I would have been mad about that bucket i was saving yeah exactly my not poo bucket my fucking sandcastle bucket i specifically have that bucket not to be pooed in it's the non-poo bucket i got a poo bucket how did she had a poo bucket i had a poo bucket it's called the toilet

what if you would have caught her pooping. It's called the toilet. Just ask. What if you would have caught her pooping in a bucket in the back? I mean, that's so much weirder than pooping in the toilet. I still would have fucked her. Risk and reward. Women are so weird about pooping. I will say. That's the thing.

It was like, well, she apparently ate a bunch of laxatives, and then this guy kind of like it was a last minute guy came over situation. So she. You just don't do it. Yeah. You just don't do it. Yeah. I yelled at a woman in a stall the other day. I was really hungover yesterday morning. I was duped into going to Kellogg's Diner, which is a really shitty diner in Williamsburg.

Why did you go? This show is not sponsored by that place. Don't go there. That place sucks as dick. In the middle of the breakfast, I was like, I got to fucking shit. So I went to the bathroom, immediately started shitting. The woman next to me, I heard her in the cell go, fuck, man, because she heard me shitting. I went, hey, if you can't handle the shit, get out of the bathroom.

I agree with you, Jackie. Absolutely. Hero moments. Hero of the week. I felt really good about myself. And then she stomped out of the bathroom. She was like, I'm playing with my pussy over here. Yeah, she was so pissed off.

She didn't wash her hands. You see, I was disgusting. She didn't wash her fucking hands. I looked at her shoes under the stall. I found her. I saw her sitting in one of the booths. I gave her a dirt eye. Good.

Good work. Hero of the month. Chris, come and wash your hands. I did a shoot today, and there was a child involved. The mom came. She's a little Spanish woman. She said, you can't make me go bathroom. You use bathroom.

I'm like, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was sort of Russian, by the way. Go bathroom. Go, I go, I go bathroom. Yeah, check off. She went in there, this little old lady, little Spanish lady. She went in there and she just fucking screamed it. Yeah, she held like a coyote and then just let it rip.

Oh! And it was like she fucking opened a portal to a dimension where... You hear the sound of an elevator door opening and then... The Mexican border. We can pass now. We can pass now. Into America. They're distracted.

Go! That's a signal. It's like she pooped so hard There was a static electricity charge It's great Like a fucking vortex opened up That's what you call A confident adult When you can poop in public

I'm okay with it You know I shit It took me a while to get over that barrier It took me a while to get over that barrier, though. It took me a long time. It really did. I used to, in high school, I used to, like, there was one bathroom in the high school. A certain bathroom. I think most people had that. There was that one bathroom that

was never occupied. For some reason, I had the runs every morning for, like, multiple months. I think it's because you were a fucking alcoholic. Every day for lunch. This was in high school. Every day for lunch, I would have two huge things of French fries and an icy lemon drink that they had. That's all you eat? That's all I ate every day for lunch.

You ate like a seven-year-old. Yeah, and I'd pour all this zesty seasoning all over the fries. You have not changed a fucking piece. No, not at all. Every single day to the point where my friends were like, dude, you've got to fucking figure this out. You've got to stop eating like this. You'd be like a fat black woman. Yeah, totally.

You were the stinkiest, squeeziest runs ever. Yolanda. Yeah, they called me Yolanda. You didn't use a William. Were you dipping those fries in mayonnaise? No, I was all ketchup. A lot of ketchup. You still do that though. You douse everything in ketchup. I kind of love dipping the ketchup. Yeah, I love ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. A lot of ketchup. You still do that, though. You douse everything in ketchup. I kind of love dipping the ketchup.

Yeah, I love ketchup and mayonnaise mixed together. It's very European. It took me a while to find a love for it. Yeah, that's what it is. I'm genteel. So I am international. When I was in school, there was a kid who used to always eat his fries with mayonnaise, but he was in special ed.

And so every time I see people eat fries with mayonnaise, I always assume they're special ed. No, man, come on. No. No, man, come on. It. No, man, come on. It tastes good. Something to confess? It tastes fucking good. Take it.

You fucking try it. You try it. Take it. Try it. Take it. I'm trying to replace mayonnaise in my diet with avocado.

What? I love avocado. Use avocado instead of mayonnaise. My boss is like, try it. You'll love it. Yeah, it is totally different.

It's great in chicken salads and stuff like that and I try to dip my fries. Yeah, it is totally different. It's great in chicken salads and stuff like that. And I try to dip my fries in mashed avocado. Fuck it. It's disgusting. I want mayonnaise. That's probably why you had to take that bitch's dumb patella. She's moving her arms around like a chicken.

She eats the same thing from her prayer. I love mayonnaise. It's unbelievable. I love meal. Marcus, what's- I'm calling it right now. This is Jackie's show. Yay! This is Jackie's show. Jackie's unbelievable. I love me all. Marcus, what's- I'm calling it right now. This is Jackie's show. Yay!

This is Jackie's show. It is Jackie's show. It's always Jackie. Jackie's the hero. I got the tits. I got my vagina. Well, you can argue all of us have the tits. You literally walked in here like you were like Linus from Charlie Brown.

You're like walking like, I'm so sick and all. Well, because I've been hungover all day and I saved it for the show. I saved it. I'm all sick. I'm all sick and I'm just like a big old hamburger patty with chewed dough. I ain't chugged right here. You're like, ooh. I wish I wasn't a big fat

dumb. All right. I didn't mean the fat. Thank you for the window into Zebrowski Thanksgiving. He's over. I didn't mean the fat. I're dead. Thank you for the window into Zebrowski Thanksgiving. He's over. I didn't mean the fat. I did not mean to say that. I just say that.

A turkey literally appeared on the table. I feel like you guys are summing up food. I would never mean that. The second Henry said fat while he was making fun of me, his eyes got wide with fear. Because I don't mean, I say everybody's fat. I forget that. I never thought he said a woman. Well, you have problems.

You're sick. You're really thin. Marcus, what's... Hey, hey, hey, I'll come and do it. We're not sick. We're just skinny. Marcus, you're not that skinny. I hereby apologize openly to Jackie.

Guys, we have not talked about the current status of your family dog yet on this show. Oh, my God. Okay, hold on. He's the fattest dog in the world. Close up the story. What happened to the guy? Did he get arrested? He got arrested and he's charged with breaking and entering.

That's it? Not sucking up vacuum water? That's the worst thing he did? What about the shit in the jacket? At least some kind of like doo-doo mischief. Oh, I've seen this before. Breaking and entering and decent exposure. But, you know, whatever. Get the hot dog squad in there.

Alright, so what is the name of this dog? And describe his name. Taking and entering and decent exposure. Get the hot dog squad in there. Dodo vodo. Dodo vodo. All right, so what is the name of this dog? Gracie Mae. Gracie Mae. Describe the current status of this dog. This is the dog their parents have. It's a chocolate lab.

So you know the general size of a chocolate lab. They're strong dogs, too. They're ready to go. They're really active. They're outdoor dogs. But I am going to throw it out there. They did rescue her when she was nine years old a few years ago. But she was normal.

She was in a cage for most of her life. So she was never crazy active. She was jerking off all the time. Yeah, she had to jerk off. She was jerking off naked. She was like a member of Anonymous. Because she was kept in a fucking cage. So then the ham hocks started getting fed

To this My god they just can't stop Because my mom's like If she's gonna die early I'd rather her life be great She doesn't have to die early She's nine Six years on her They can live a long time

So your parents are just feeding her What are they feeding her? Like crispy creams No they don't feed her chocolate or sack her What are they feeding her? Like crazy Like crispy creams No they don't feed her chocolate or sack and stuff But like they feed her meat My grandma used to do the same thing And they feed her chicken They feed her like

So nothing No like carbs or anything But like they feed her the meat My dad sits at night He might be very healthy Our dad does a thing Where he sits at night Like four o'clock in the morning

And he just eats slices of American cheese That's all he does He sits and he eats cheese slices of American cheese. That's all he does. He sits and he eats cheese out of a bag, right? That, or he makes hot dogs and he puts the cheese on the hot dogs. Yes. And this is what he does every night. And he sits there. I love it. Like, the TV's not even on. Like, nothing is going on. It's just cheese hour. Oh, no, he's always watching, like, World's Dumbest Criminals

or Cops. My favorite shit. My favorite show. The best. Cops is the best show of all time. But it's like, he does... You have... When you're eating slices of American cheese, you do have to watch something two shades dumber than what you're doing, and World's Dumbest Criminals is the best show of all time. But it's like, when you're eating slices of American cheese, you do have to watch something two shades dumber than what you're doing. And World's Dumbest Criminals is the only show on television that does that.

I love American cheese. Oh, it's great. It's incredible. I love it. But he does like a one for me, one for you with Gracie. This dog, the thing I try to say is like,

she keeps equating this idea, which is because we're just not in the house anymore. And we cannot be deflated. We can't be inflated to match anymore. So she's doing all to the dog. Even though we're just not in the house anymore. And we cannot be deflated. We can't be inflated to massive anymore. So she's doing all to the dog. Even though we were both like over 300 pounds when we were in high school. When we were in high school, yeah, we were massive. And so we were like, I'm talking, she's like, I want the race to be happy.

I love how it's like you're not thin and then we were massive. That's the thing is that we're so fat. We used to be like double the size of what we are now. God, I saw a picture of you from college the other day. We're thin. Whoa, daddy. Henry was fucking just. Dude, I saw a picture the other day from when I first met you like three years ago.

Jesus. Well, I've had ups and downs. What do you want to say, Jermaine? Because they were fat together. Yeah, they were fat together. Siblings are one skinny and one fat, but you're two charity. Dude, we are roly bolies. You should see our fucking sister. She's three times the you two charity. We are roly-polies. You should see our fucking sister.

She's three times the size of us. She's massive. Way more terrifying in every way. You should see these cruise pictures that we took. I'm the thin one. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, so my question to you is, are you upset that you guys have been replaced by the dog? No, no.

No, it's great. My life is awesome. I feel like your father used to do the one for me, one for you. The dog is taking all the meat. Right, right. But we tried it, but I literally, it was like, I've never had that. This dog cannot move, by the way. She can't get up.

How fat is the dog? Listen, like, that's the point of the fucking. I would say probably 170. The point of the story is the fact that I try to explain to our parents, it's like, this dog, you stuffing food in this dog's mouth is not making it happy. It needs to jump. It needs to run. It wants to be a dog. It's sitting there. Because you go there, she's mouth is not making it happy. It needs to jump. It needs to run.

It wants to be a dog. It's sitting there. Because you go there, she's like, oh, Gracie. Gracie's making these sad faces all. I look at Gracie. Gracie literally is just going like, Like looking at me. Like looking at something.

And I was like, it wants me to kill it. Yeah. It wants to die. Because it can't. It's full of American cheese. Our mother has lost a bunch of weight. Not a native food for the dog. And we're like, you should walk crazy. She's like, she's too big for me to walk.

No. You did it. You did this. The thing is, like, walk the dog. I was like, pay a teenager, or pay a giant. Like a big six foot seven fat, weird, sweaty. A big guy, red haired, bearded monster to walk your dog. What's funny about labs and dogs in general is that labs are very loyal.

So if you give them food, they're going to think, all right. Literally. Because they're going to reply, you're the master. I'll eat your fucking cheese. Oh, it's some bizarre feeder gator fantasy. It's like they keep fucking feeding me this fucking cheese. I don't want to eat it. I need to run. I want to fucking run.

She hasn't shat in months. The dog just, no, that's the thing. So whenever they leave it outside. Dude, what kind of loads is that dog shitting? It's not shitting. Oh, yeah. It's eating American cheese. Because of the cheese, yeah.

So they do, and they celebrate every time the dog shits. They're like, oh, she pooped food. And they give her more, they scrub more food. Oh, my God. Do you have a picture? Every time she my God. Do you have a picture? Every time she shits. Do you have a picture? No, I don't take

pictures of shames. That's why we don't have pictures of us from the ages of 12 to 15. Yeah. I got rid of them. Me neither.

I ain't fucking sure. Me fucking neither. Well, the thing about the Zebrowskis, if you wanted to get a full shot of the Zebrowskis, it had to be a collage. You can only take pictures of them in increments.

Now I'm insulted. I don't like this. I don't like what you fucking just said, Ben Kissel. Yeah, you're fat, too. All right. No, I am sorry. This is coming from a man who was maybe larger than you guys. Well, I was 380 pounds.

I was much bigger. God, how scary. How big and scary you were. I was pushing 300 pounds. I was close. Well, you could have been pushing 380 pounds if we would have met in high school. Hello. That was a sexual joke.

Sexual joke. Sexual joke. You get it. No, hell no. What are you talking about? Don't deny me. No, you were too fat. No, it's like...

She only did it in skinny minutes. Ross, you fuck. I win. Yeah. That's a techie show. Well, were you fat? Did you look like Brendan Gleeson at all? Brendan Gleeson? You? Brendan Gleeson?

You know who he is? No. I'll show you a picture of him. Keep talking. Thank you. I'm sure that if he's a super fat, ugly monster, yes. I look just like him. Marcus, what's a new story here?

I'm sure we'll double back here on this dog picture. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You totally did look like him. Who is Brendan Gleeson? Oh, the guy that played the bar. Fuck off! Fuck you, man!

That's bullshit, man! All right, you gotta put this on the site so people can see it. No, no, it doesn't look like Brendan Gleeson. I got third place as a wrestler. So wait, who is he? What is this guy? Brendan Gleeson, he was the barber in Gangs of New York. Okay. He was the father in 28 Days Later.

It's a character shit. Yeah, he's a character. He's been in a ton of shit. He played young Ben Kissel in A Sad Story from Wisconsin. He's awesome. He's a great actor. Oh, I love that. That's funny.

I knew it. Well, thank you. I'm good. That's good. Marcus, what's another news story? I mean, I want to talk about this all day, but we have to move on. A 72-year-old grandmother is having an incestuous affair with her own grandson, and the pair are set to have a baby.

At least it's going to be right in the eyes of the Lord. Wait, no, how? Pearl Carter from Indiana, shock family. Her name is Pearl? It's so old. I do this. I get my grandson to climb up on. All right, let's just hear the story, Marcus.

He rubbed my feet like a boy did. I knew that he was good at it when I watched him licking the ice pop when he was four years old. Ask the man I want to marry. I'm not a young, licking pop boy. L four years old. You're not asking me I want to marry him. Licking pop boys. Licking pop boys. Turn it to my clitoris. So bad do I want to see a sketch of Henry and Germaine as old women

talking about the incestuous relationship they have with their grandson. So long. It'll be a one hour long sketch. Just the two of them sitting on stage making everyone feel awful. Shudder with all gas. Oh my God. Yeah, of course, before you do it, you have to touch the lucky stump because it'll happen at the Apollo.

I want to see this go up at the Apollo. I mean, that would be amazing. People would love it. When he first made me cum, I said, you are my daughter's son. Poetic. What's going on? I feel like her story is actually slightly more disgusting than their version. Yeah, this is actually worse.

Pearl Carter from Indiana shocked family and friends after beginning a bizarre relationship with her 26-year-old grandchild, Phil Bailey. Which is no name for a grandchild. You can't have a grandchild named Phil Bailey. They did it on purpose. They did it on purpose. You wanted a man name. Yeah, the word dumb goes really well in front of that name. Dumb old Phil Bailey.

Phil Bailey. I've been fucking my grandma. Philip is the goofiest name of all time. Philip and Elliot. Can I read it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll get to that in a bit. We'll get.

All right. So Bailey is the son of Pearl's daughter, Lynette. Okay. Who the senior citizen put up for adoption when she was 18. Oh. So when Lynette died in 2006, Phil tracked down his long-lost grandma, 46 years his senior. So she's 72. The Harold and Maude thing.

Yeah. Jesus fuck. She's 72. And he's 26. And Henry, if you could help me out with this quote right here. For the first moment that I saw him, I knew we would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship. We would never have a grandmother-grandson relationship. For the first time in years, I felt sexually alive.

Actual fucking quote. Hold on. If I could get you to play Phil Bailey on this. Bailey claimed he had the same feelings. I wanted to kiss her there, and then my feelings were over. He has to spell it out because he's reading off a piece of paper. Yeah, yeah. Over. It's whaling.

It's whaling, man. It's whaling. Overwhelming. Don't you stop. He's so cute when he tries to talk. Now get back to eating my pussy, grandson. It's not the grandmother that's fucked up. It's the grandson that's fucked up, right?

Everyone gets fucked up. I don't think so, man. I think so. No, of course, the grandmother, of course, she wants to fuck a 26-year-old. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they can't ever actually do it until they find a 26-year-old. My grandma always wanted to fuck me. She still won't fuck me.

Are you too thin? I know better. I fucking know better. My grandma knows. She's like, all right, baby. I'm like, exactly. It's the kid's fault. I'd love to see you and your grandmother in a remake of The Graduate.

You know, just like... You trying to seduce me, my own personal grandmother? Personal. My own personal grandmother. Love is in the air, though. They do love each other. I mean, is it the worst story of the week?

She's using her pension to pay $54,000 to a surrogate mother so they can have a child. She can have one? No, she's 72! No, she's 72. She's got their menopause. You think so? Yeah. 60-year-old No, she's 72. No, she's 72. She's got their menopause. You think so?

Yeah. 60-year-old woman, I think. I believe it was 60 was the oldest, right? 60, 64, actually, I think maybe. Why does she want a fucking baby?

Why would you want a baby? Because number one, you're 72, you can have a baby. You can fuck all you want. Jackie, can you answer this question for me?

Because when Marcus told me this story, my first question, what is that baby to the grandmother? She's the mother of the baby, but she's fucking her grandson. What is that baby? She's grandmother mother. She's grandmother

mother? She's her own great grandmother. Exactly. She's going to act like a grandmother to the baby until for five years. But she's the mother of the baby. And then she's going to be fucking dead. And then he's going to remarry. He's going to get all of her money. How much money does she have? She could have a lot.

She's having to use 54 grand from her pension, so that's all the money she has in the world. She's paying $54,000 for Satan's union? It's actually a small price to pay when you put it like that. You try to figure out what's her title and stuff?

What is she? She's a Highlander. Interesting. Interesting. There could be only one. Only one Grandmama. The last Grandmama. I think she's called her Grandmama Mom. I'm going to show you a Grandmama Mom. I'm going to show you a Grandmama Mom.

I'm going to show you a Grandmama. Grandmama, yeah. She's a Grandmama. Grandmama. Okay. Grandmama. And then what is he? The dumbestest man alive the dumbest man alive yeah, he's the rapist of his grandma Oh, I see when she comes out of that senile fucking state

Are you judging him harsher than a pedophile I mean this is you are yes really than a pedophile. I mean, you are. Yes. Really? No, not a pedophile. No. A pedophile's a bitch.

At least. Whoa. For the most part. We got passion. We got passion. At least. A lot of these kids and these pedophiles are fucking

are different DNA sets. You know what I mean? What comes down to it is your own grandmother. No, they're just. Imagine your grandmother. We're going to slowly leave the room and you defend pedophiles. I'd rather fuck my grandma. I'd rather fuck my grandmother. Imagine your grandmother. We're going to slowly leave the room and you defend pedophiles. I'd rather fuck my grandma.

I'd rather fuck my grandmother than a little child. I'd say that. I'm going to say this. I'll cum in her fucking face before I have to fuck a little child. I'd rather fuck my grandma before I fuck a little child. I think that six or one of us. Your listeners out there, let us know at cavecomedyradio at gmail.com. Would you rather fuck your grandmother or a little child?

Yes, please. Oh, God. Get the listeners to weigh in. No, no, no, no. No, this is an issue that can be debated. No. It has two sides. No way.

I literally think it's illegal to discuss. Kids can't bake cookies. That's right. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever debate between pedophile-loving Henry Zebrowski, grandmother-loving Germaine Fowler. Henry Zebrowski won. What are you going to say?

This is an ad hominem attack. No, this is fine. This is what this is. What are you saying? Why do you love the boys so much? I'm not a pedophile lover. I am not supporting pedophilia. I am against pedophilia. But I'm saying, in comparison to, I mean, I also know our grandmother, and she's so mean.

So if she was nice, you would like her. Maybe if she was nice, I'd want to fuck her. This is something that we've never asked Holden before. We know how you feel about your mother. How do you feel about your grandmother? Oh, I mean, to fuck her. See, this is something that we've never asked Holden before. We know how you feel about your mother. How do you feel about your grandmother? Oh, I mean, I love her because she made my mother. But, you know, it's not like I'm going to go fucking shove my cock in all the places I want to shove in my mom. Yeah, because at the end...

So you want to shove some stuff in your mom. Oh, we've been over this many times. Thousands of times. Yeah, absolutely. We're here, sorry. Um, you know, okay. Is my brother watching? No. Okay, no, no, no. All right, okay. my brother watching? No

Okay, I just want to make sure Private I mean, she doesn't look like my mom So I mean, she'd have to be as gorgeous And voluptuous Available Pussy wet as my mother What?

Pussy wet as your mother? Yeah, pussy wet as my mom My parents have never been prouder that I didn't say that. My question for Henry is, like, when you're with, like, the young children, do you like to paint their faces like they're an older woman? Like, do you like to give them makeup jobs like they're sort of a trashy, I put them in little suits and I pretend like they're miniature businessmen. Jermaine, why do you love your grandmother so much?

Why do I love her? so much why do I love her yeah why do you need her like for fucking oh for sex I thought you meant general no no no oh for fucking for fucking

yeah oh yeah well like like Jackie said grandma's got experience she made my mom yeah man that's true she fucking knows

how to tang go how to tang a lang good point good point right right she's uh senile so she's probably way better just it, just wilder at it. She don't give a fuck.

Sometimes she's just in the kitchen burning a turkey. You could probably relive all of your fantasies on your grandmother. Because she's like, I'm down, I'm fucking a young man. Yeah, you just tell her that she's like, I'm down fucking. I'm down fucking. And you're like, hey, I'm Wyatt Earp. Sometimes you're fucking and you realize all the gas burners are on. Leave me alone, Wyatt Earp.

I ain't for you. I ain't for you. I'm better than kids, woman. No, you're in tombstone now, woman. You're Wyatt Earp. That's the thing. Knowing my grandfather, too. My grandfather was in the Battle of the fucking bulge Man I can't compete with that

I think the plus side of Eve's the shit He's dead you'd bang his old dead corpse I'll dig him up and I'll hold him Like in bed I think the plus side of The plus side of fucking a grandmother Your grandmother is probably

Extra presents on Christmas. Yeah, absolutely. You get so many presents. Next question. You're the extra present. That's a good reason to do it. It's actually sort of how pedophiles have sex with children, which is sort of bizarre.

Marcus, is it illegal, this relationship? In the United States, that's the thing, I was just about to Where are they? Indiana, right. Yeah, incest laws, Indiana. It was already just coming up on my Google. Because I thought this was the same thing.

I feel like a regular Google just comes up. Where are the incest laws in Indiana? Let's see. Yeah, I've got some long-lost family I want to go visit, just want to make sure. I know there was another story, but it was a British couple, it was a grandson and a grandmother. And man, she was gross. It has to be

illegal, right? Remember that kid who had a baby in England? He was like 10 and he got to go pregnant? Yeah, I remember that. That was kind of recent though, right? Oh my god, the statute against incest, it is worse in Indiana than it is in New York.

Really? So I can't? And the state, let me see if you guys can guess, which state has the most leniency towards incest? Florida. Arkansas. Oh, 10 to fucking C. Hawaii. Hawaii.

Oh, what a trick question. In Florida, it's life imprisonment. Wow. Why? Because they had a trick question. The big thing is also that in Florida, it's life imprisonment. Wow. Well, they had a double down because it happened. Thank God Henry and I never tried to experiment. But you couldn't find each other's bits. You were so chubby. I'm insulted.

No, no, don't be insulted. Two times I'm insulted. That is twice. That is thrice I have been insulted. I redacted. I redacted my statement. You redacted, however, I included it in my insultation. That's dope because in Hawaii, I guess when you just land or whatever, it's so beautiful here.

The water's here and the sun's out. I feel like fucking my grandson. And you just start phoning him. Yeah, you've just been eating poy all day. And fucking poy and pork. And he feel like he's porking. You want a pork grandson? Yeah, he's so hot.

Don't do this to me. You want to pork him? In New Jersey. We've walked Ben. We've walked Ben. Yeah, he's out. Let's see all the secret things that we want to say when Ben is gone. Ben has a three-pronged penis.

Ew. There's eyes on each prong. Ew, you can see the devil. Sometimes he puts little sparkly tassels on the end of his penis, so he calls it a skirt. Are you saying sometimes? Because I think he does it all the time. So wait, one prong pees, the other prong comes,

and the other prong sweats or something. Sweats right into the vagina. The third one can grant a wish if you are a little boy. You tickled it right. The third one just complains about how much he looks like Mike Lawrence.

Fuck you, Ben! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you, Ben! Fuck you! I don't even give a shit about the news, man. Ben's fucking dick is freaking me out. Yeah, man. Is this true?

Yeah, it's true. So in New Jersey... All right. I'm offended, by the way. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was terrible. In New Jersey, if you're above 18 years old, there are no incest laws whatsoever. Yeah, flirty New Jersey. Flirty Jersey.

That's wild. Flirty Jersey. They got to go to New Jersey, then. This couple from Indiana finds sweet love. But it's illegal to sleep with a mailman. Isn't that sad? Yeah, it's because their frowns are never turned upside down. Oh my goodness. You can't fuck a mailman?

No. In Jersey? No. Henry, could you? It's like being a priest. Yeah, it's like being a priest. Yeah. It's a celibate job.

Henry, could you do all of us a favor and sing Poo Poo Pickle one time? I know it's a little bit off base, but... Poo Poo Pickle? Yeah, we haven't heard Poo Poo Pickle in quite a while. Why? I just want to hear it. Oh, my God. I just saw that picture.

Shake that pickle, peanut brown. Turn that frown upside down. It's a poo poo pickle. Yeah, I'm going to marry you. That's good. That's good. Thank you, Edward. You're welcome.

I did that for you Thank you It's my favorite song And here we go guys Here's a picture Of the happy couple Oh my god He is so tiny

That is totally The couple I was thinking of I thought it was in Britain But it's in Indiana That is disgusting I'm in love with my grandson And we're having a baby That's according to the sun

Wow Oh why Do you think when he met her She was just sucking on baby. That's according to the sun. Wow. Oh, why? Do you think when he met her she was just sucking on a big, like, farmer's market carrot? Also, how weird is that fucking dude that he can't find anyone his own age? No, it is weird, but it's also

bizarre. I feel like people shun pedophilia and people who have sex with children because they're not sexually ready, right? And then she obviously went through menopause 20, 30 years ago. She's no longer sexually active from like a human standpoint, right? Oh, no. Women and menopause, after menopause, are still very sexually active. Really?

All these are sexually active because you know you can fucking nut at them. Yeah. That's true. And that's another, I guess, benefit of having sex with a grandmother. Yeah, you can fucking nut. You can nut. I just can't believe. I have a fucking baby with her. Yeah, that's true.

That's the funny thing about it. It's like, man, you just can get off scot-free at least. No, still going to go with the baby. Yeah, it's so bizarre. The thing I just don't understand is how any fucking human can also, like, want to carry their baby. Why would you want to carry their baby in the pool? Well, that's a good point. Is the surrogate mother

the real asshole here? I have the answer to that. Well, the woman that's carrying it, her name is Roxanne Campbell. She's 30 years old. They call her Roxy, by the way, for sure. Roxy the proxy mother. She's doing it for the money.

How much? $54,000. Wow. I'm not in a dude for... She's doing it for the money Yeah how much How much $54,000 Wow Jackie Hummus would have cost you I'm fucking nutting a dude for I would totally I would totally carry someone The whole thing

I've actually looked into it before To carry someone else's child You make a ridiculous amount of money But you have to have Had Had a child At least once or twice before Oh really

Yeah so your vagina is good and stretched out. Yeah, you have to know that you are already able to carry a child. It's called a pedigree. If the child is a miscarriage, do you still get the money? It depends on what the contract is. And that's why I actually did look into this. It was like, I mean, down the line, if I ever accidentally get knocked up,

it's like, yeah, I would get paid $100,000 because I'm so beautiful to knock out a fucking kid out of this fucking big sack of pussy I got. What is a sack of pussy? If the baby comes out retarded, do you only get half the money? No, you can just sell it on the black market.

Oh, okay. That's true. Okay. That explains a lot of confidence. I don't know if it is true. I would totally sell a kid. I would sell it. How much are you going to sell a kid for? You could sell, I mean, it depends on who I get knocked up by. If it's a good looking kid, I could probably get $500,000. Now, are you selling the baby to own or to eat?

Yeah. Overseas. Is it for meat or is it to have a child? No, no, no. For someone else to have a kid and someone that has a lot of money that wants a good American kid. Speaking of overseas and kids to eat markets, let's go to that story with Russia.

Oh, yeah. This is a fun little tale that comes from the cold land of Russia. What is that all about? A drunk uncle chopped up his 18-month-old niece then roasted her body parts in an oven. What'd she do? What'd she do wrong?

She spelled his name wrong. Never cross a drunk Russian uncle. Especially if he owns a candy house. Was she cheating on him? Andrei Godziev's sister, Elena Titova, 29,

had left him caring for the toddler for 15 minutes while she visited a neighbor. What? He immediately got to work. When she returned, there was no sign of the child, and her intoxicated brother could not explain what had happened to her. I don't know what happened to her. I don't know. Bro, did he?

Don't show the oven. I'm not hungry, though. Don't shake the oven. I'm not hungry, though. She searched the house, which was located in eastern Siberia. It's fucking Siberia. It's one of the most miserable places on earth. And eastern Siberia is the middle of real fucking nowhere. They label it eastern Siberia to get all the people who want to get into Siberia normal.

They should call it East Williamsburg. East Williamberia. She then noticed a strange smell from the stove. Opening the hot oven, she discovered the roasting remains of her daughter's body. It takes me 15 minutes to prepare Brussels sprouts. He didn't season her. Well, a fragment of the child's leg was also found near the sink in the kitchen. Which means he didn't even try to get it in the sink.

That's terrible. I want to try to predict something. I don't know if it's in the article, though. Did he do it to eat her so that he could... Or it... Was it a boy or a girl? Girl. Girl.

Her, in order to live forever? No. He did not. Interesting. Good question, though. Police arrested the man who, without showing emotion, admitted to killing the baby and putting her in the oven. Yeah, good.

Godziev had pushed the girl, calling her to fall on the floor, which killed her. He told police, I was trying to hide her body, so I put her in the office. So he accidentally murdered her within 15 minutes of having her, which is just like the thing you always joke about as a babysitter, but you never do, actually, because you don't have the fucking guts. She had snake meat in her. Jackie, you were a babysitter for quite a while. You can see how...

You were an anus, so you can see how... I'm trying to get the snake meat out. Jackie, you were a babysitter for quite a while. You can see how... You were an anus. You can see how... I'm trying to get the snake meat out of him. You can see how a child might drive you absolutely insane. Completely. I actually weirdly... Not that I'm saying that it's right,

but I weirdly sympathize, especially with mothers that kill all their kids because you can't fucking handle it. Sometimes you just want them to be quiet forever. But in 15 minutes, I feel like in 15 minutes,

that's fishy as shit. She can't pause it. But an 18-month-old is very annoying. I know how to walk, and they can get into shit immediately. I don't think that was an accident at all. This is what happened within 15 minutes. The girl was like, I want to watch Dora. You bitch!

He was like, You're saying Dora. You bitch! You're saying Dora the Explorer is really the ultimate culprit here. I don't think Eastern Siberia is really into Dora. I want to watch Fortune. I want to watch the icicle melt outside. Go outside, you piece of shit. It's not even outside. It's actually on reality television.

The icicle melting show. You think you're better than me? Why isn't Rocky in the house? You better be better than me. You're going to go fucking box or something. Just like when Rocky went to Russia. Yeah. He probably killed a bunch of kids.

A bunch of babies. He was so excited. I'll fucking box you, kid. I'll fuck you up. Henry, I mean, I'll give this to Holden. What are you going to season a kid with to make it taste the absolute best? That fucking zesty seasoning that I put on my fries in high school. What is this?

What is this? It was just a zesty, spicy seasoning. It was so good. It was all orangey and shit. And it was just like. Are you talking about like Old Bay? No, I don't know what it was. It wasn't in like a labeled container.

It was just in a big metal fucking thing. Yeah. Like a chanch? God, it was so good. I ate it. I'd lick the seasoning big metal fucking thing. Yeah. You know? Like a chanch. God, it was so good. I ate it. I'd lick the seasoning off the bottom of the thing. You're disgusting.

And this was in front of public. In front of girls that I liked. You know? I'll go. I want to do the sitcom thing when we're done. It's a funny game.

Well, we can rush it up then. No, no, don't rush it. I think I'll be fine. Yeah, it's time for a segment. Let's do a segment. All right. Segment with Holder McNeely. He is the best one.

I got a piss. He is the good one. I got diarrhea. What TV show would you live in? What TV show would you live in? Can we cut this? I don't like this anymore. What?

TV show. I love it. Wait, what do you say? As yourself, right? What happened while I went to go take a piss? It seems like I came back in. We didn't do math. So the next, all right, so I will start.

I would live in cheers. Why is that? So that I could get wasted with Norm. I would fucking chill with Norm all day. We'd have the best fucking time. I'd call him Henry by accident all the time And because, by the way If you decide to do something in a TV show

Especially a show like Cheers It'll happen, so I think I'll convince Norm To open up a different bar with me And then we'll just get fucking tanked And just hang out at this bar And nobody will go and shit It'd be the best, and we'd have an offshoot TV show Like Frasier got, but norm which I was a show I would

have much rather watched than Frazier I agree that's totally dead on yeah that rules I'm right living uh that dinosaurs TGIF show yeah would you be human or would you be a caveman yeah the ones that are in all the TV shows. I just watch a show, get it, and it fucking holds up, and it's creepy as fuck. It's hilarious. Yeah, it's awesome. What do you call those? Animatronics.

Animatronics. It's creepy as fuck. I love it. It's awesome. It's way better than CGI. It's all about keeping humans as pets. That's the whole thing. That sounds awesome. and that's all you

want to do yeah as a person yeah i like it i love to live in that show so i can fuck the granny dinosaur too yeah i'm gonna go with a little show that was on tgi f thank god it's friday because family matters is on uh family matters a wonderful program. If you recall, the father's a cop. There's Erkel, Stephen Erkel. And then, of course, I would bang Laura, who is a very attractive young lady. I just feel like you'd end up turning Erkel into a dommer after that,

and he would just stab you to death. Well, he's a genius guy. I would be very good friends with him. He has Asperger's, and you'd fucking destroy him. He'd kill you. No, I would always make him Erkel, but I would also use his machine for my abilities as well. Are you a neighbor?

I'm just in the house. You just live in the basement? I'm just breathing heavy in the closet. You're the monster. You're the monster. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You turned that show into a horrible show. No, they're like, we never should have moved to the suburbs.

I'm like, that's right, African-American family. Your success will be the death of you. I will murder you all. It's wonderful. It's a great saying. Yeah, you're like the BTK, but the B stands for Ben. That's right. Ben, torture, and kill.

Ben, torture, kissle. Ben, torture, kissle! Oh my god, and Laura loves me. I mean, she doesn't talk anymore. She's stuffed. Alright, Jackie, what are we going with? Saved by the bell, man. I was gonna bell, man.

It's old 90s. I'd be the fucking older one that comes back and I'm like, I fuck all the dudes, I ruin all of them, and I buy everybody booze, and then we'd go out to the fucking beach house in the summers, and I would throw these crazy fucking parties, and I'd be this girl like, where did she get all her money from?

I don't know, I just have all this fucking money. I'm gonna get wasted. I'm gonna fuck high school dudes. You're like that chick with the leather jacket that showed up on the motorcycle. It's a full vision. What dude are you fucking? Who's the biggest fuck on the show? Slater or Sam? Fuck Screech into being cool. We can do that.

You, yeah but then have you seen any of the Dustin Diamond porn? I don't want to get anywhere into it. I, I have not. I'm not saying I'm a Slater girl at all. I think I'm just bringing auxiliary characters and never fucking the main guys. Just the dudes in the hall. The dork squad. I get like the weird like, the extras.

No, you only fuck the locker room extras. Yeah, no, I fuck all the extras. The locker extras. You would probably fuck Jesse's cousin that came from New York. You only fuck the people that were guests on the show. I fuck like the greetsers and all the weird dudes. There's a plot line going on in the center of the camera, but in the back corner, you can always see Jackie.

I'm like, fuck you guys, don't get to the locker. In the cafeteria, she always fucking is doing the cafeteria. Yeah. Shoving a dude into the locker. I'm eating food off of other people's trays. She's always in the background. I would pay money to see that show. Yo, that's fucking amazing. It's a great show. just always in the background I would pay money to see that show yo

that's fucking amazing it's a great show just fucking everybody like on the line for the principal's office I'm always in sitting on dicks

in the line yeah just like sitting on dicks in the line so uh Henry you of course wanted to do Jake and the uh

no no no no what I would want to be um Jake and the what? the fat man a wonderful show yes that is funny. But mostly kind of an overweight show.

It is funny. It is funny. Third time I am offended. I would be part of a show called The Great Satan at Large. Yeah! It's a show that aired in Tucson, Arizona. Hail Satan! Hail Satan!

Stop this. I hate this. Which was a community access television show that involved a man who dressed up as Satan, drinking beers, smoking a joint. Henry, you can't get a Satan tattoo on your ass. Henry very legitimately talked to me. He's like, hell Satan. Like a pentagram?

I'm going to get a Satan. No, a picture of Satan smoking a dube on his ass. That's what I want. You can't. What's funny about Henry's choice is you could actually live in that show. You could just contact those guys and just live. No, they're dead.

No, they're dead. The great Satan at large, Lou Perfidio, died of a flesh-eating bacteria at the age of 43. What? Oh, okay. Jermaine, any last words

before you take off? Oh, yeah. Watch MTV2's God Code every Tuesday at 11. No! Let's get out of here. It's a good show. It's a very good show.

It's a very good show. Hedronormative programming. Goodbye, Jermaine. Thanks for coming, Jermaine. See you, buddy. I love you all. It was good. Marcus, do you have a show before we wrap on this segment?

I do have a show. I want to live in Twin Peaks. Yeah! I'm watching it for the first time right now. Oh, man, I'm now sad. Oh, shit, awesome! I want to live in Twin Peaks, and I want to live in Twin Peaks. Yeah. I'm watching it for the first time right now. Oh, shit. Awesome. I want to live in Twin Peaks, and I want to join. Don't give any spoilers.

I've not seen but like half the sit-fix. Not at all. Turns out it all took place in a snow globe. They were dreaming the whole time. I want to join the police force and replace Andy because he is incompetent. Yes. And he is not good at his job, but I think I would be much better at it. God, I want to just eat Sherilyn Fenn's butt

until she's a skeleton. I could do that. I could totally do that. Which one is she? The dirty schoolgirl? Yeah. Yeah, she is fucking smoking. Cocky Locky.

She is my number one. I don't like this. I don't like this talk. All right. I don't ever like Cocky-locky to ever be said. Cocky-locky, yeah. What kind of fucking... Oogie doogie.

I want to fucking suck her feet. All right. Well, that's going to be the show. Except I also, I would not, I would replace Andy, but I would toss Lucy to the side. Okay. I don't want anything to do with her. You could fuck her. I could, but then you'd have to work with her.

I don't want to. That's hand-picked for asking. Hold it. Thank you for being here. Yeah, to work with her. That's Jackie. That's Hannah. Hold it. Thank you for being here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is my bullshit. You know what I'd do? I'd fuck Norma Jean.

Is there a winner? Is there a winner? I'll take it. Marcus wins, everybody. Marcus wins. I never win. I'm the winner. Yeah, but it doesn't matter. Okay.

Jackie Henry. You definitely didn't fucking win Mr. Family Matters. Hail Satan. Hail Henry. Well, you definitely didn't fucking win Mr. Family Matters. Hail Satan. Hail yourself. Why? Family Matters is a wonderful choice. I mean, it's great.

Everyone is allowed a choice that's their own opinion. It doesn't really matter if it's a good choice or like a bad choice specifically. It's all about being his choice. Let's get out of here. The words of a pedophile lover. If a T-bone steak could speak. I am not a pedophile lover. I'm the president of the rapists. He's a pedophile lover. If a T-bone steak, I'm not a pedophile lover. I'm the president of the right. Oh my God.

This is disgusting.