The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 131: Sneezy the Squirrel

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, a special live episode of the Round Table: an old man is tased after a policeman mistakes his can for a samurai sword, a vicar gets a potato stuck in his anus, and a girl at Penn State achieves notoriety for taming a squirrel and making it wear hats.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. Testing, testing, testing. Microphone. Turn on a microphone. Hello, hello. Honk, honk, honk, honk. That's perfect. Knob it up, dude. Hello, hello. All right, this one works. Cool.

All right, I think we're going to start off this episode with a guided meditation by Holden McNeely. Everyone, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. All right, you are the fattest pig in Nantucket. And I'm sorry, buddy, but it's Ed Larson's birthday. So you're getting sliced open by a monster. Let me get a hold of that pig. Let me get a hold of it. Slicing you down.

Getting all the meats out of you. Yeah, let me get a hold of it. He's slicing you down. Yeah, yeah. Getting all the meats out of you. Yeah, he's eating it. Oh, no. Why are the pants coming off of him? Oh, no. You're slipping away. You're slipping away.

Oh, good. Oh, here you are as a snake. A snake in your favorite place, the toilet. I love the toilet. Big, fat, luscious asshole to munch down on you. Like, ooh, because snakes talk like that. Ooh, I got to wait to eat chomp bunnies. That juicy brown eye. And right when that person's about to launch their nonsense down at you,

you fucking hop up and chomp down. Yeah. Oh, God. It's your worst nightmare. Now you're the guy whose asshole's getting eaten out by a snake! It's not that bad. You like it? Fine! And you breathe and open your eyes.

You find yourself in the round table of gentlemen! Oh, thank God! Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody! All right, who is on this program this evening? Jackie Zabrowski, hot and fancy free! I think you're gorgeous. Oh, man. Big Kevin Barnett.

Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett is also here. Kevin's on this shit. Hell yeah. He's so big. Holden McNeely. Me wish me was Jackie. That's a snake voice.

I know. I wish I was a snake version of that. This is all you're going to do? Oh, God. Like to slither, like to be slimy. It's going to be a long 40 minutes. Henry Zebrowski, I'm wearing a mock turtle. Oh, interesting.

I like it because it gives you three chins, but in the best way possible. You know what? I don't call them chins. I call them steps to my face. Yes. You do have the tomb of necks. All right, and who is this fellow here?

I already said, man. Oh, Kevin Barnett. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. With us, as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? A blind stroke victim has issued a compensation claim after he was shot in the back with a 50,000-volt taser stun gun by a police officer who mistook his white cane for a samurai sword.

Oh, that happens all the time. That's not what they look like. Do you know what a samurai sword looks like? He was 63. Oh, okay. Oh, then that's okay. Got a goddamn trading samurai sword. Yeah.

Whacking it around. I was saying the other day, there's like nothing. I don't think there could be anything in the world that could stop New York-like foot traffic than a blind man with Parkinson's. That's a good point. Just give him a 10-foot pole and just have him fucking just hit the streets. I mean, this cop is just,

he's always looking for work, this cop. 63-year-old fellow walking in a white cane. We just see an elderly man. Maybe we feel bad for him. This cop sees an opportunity to send a social message, you know? You gotta tase this fucking guy. I think the cop made a good move here,

slowing up the traffic. It's so good to tase someone. Absolutely. I think the cop made a good move here, slowing up the traffic. It must feel so good to tase someone. Absolutely. To watch him go immediately down. No, please don't. I feel like if you're going to get tased, that's one of the nicest things that cops can do to you. I mean, back in the day, they would beat you with a belly club. Very uncomfortable.

Shoot you with a hose. Shoot you with a hose. That's pretty terrible as well. Get out of the tree, raccoon. That's the problem. You looked like a tiny raccoon when you with a hose. Shoot you with a hose. That's pretty terrible as well. Get out of the tree, raccoon! That's the problem. You looked like a tiny raccoon when you were a child. Small hands. Holden, you're walking down the street. You're clogging

up foot traffic. Do you want to get hosed out of the way, tasered out of the way, or beaten with a baton out of the way? Well, but I'm a little different. When I get tased, I ejaculate immediately. So you want to get tased. I like to get tased. Yeah, it's one of our little little toys back at the home with the missus. We will not go into that. Beat me, hurt me.

That's the thing. I like blood involved in foreplay. Yeah, definitely. What was some of the bloodiest foreplay you've ever had? When I cut my own dick off. Actually, I would imagine women would love that. I think women would love most men without penises. Is that also the last time you did foreplay?

Absolutely. Sometimes if I rub my nipples, though, I get slightly aroused. Like phantom dick? Yeah, exactly. I feel phantom dick. And then I flex it until I fucking fake jizz. Either way. You do the hot pole thing where you make it bounce like a fucking flat car,

right? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you definitely the hot pole thing where you make it bounce like a fucking flat car, right? Yes, absolutely. Yeah, you definitely look like a dude with no dick. That's one thing I can tell you. That is true. That's a good point, Kevin. You do look like a man with no dick. Yeah.

So what's going to happen with this cop, Marcus? Is he getting in trouble or what? Well, apparently this man has had to jump through quite a few hoops to make this complaint. His name is Colin Farmer. Which is difficult for a blind man. Thank you. Someone had to make it. I'm going to give it to Henry. Why not? Good blind joke.

He has suffered two strokes and walks at a snail's pace. He was on his way to a pub to meet friends for a drink and did not realize anything was wrong until the officer tasered him. What if this tasering would have cured him? That would have been amazing. Shock therapy.

Yeah, absolutely. Not a bad move. There's a lot of hypotheticals in this world, man. There are. I agree. It would not have ever happened at all. Yeah, you think so? No, it wouldn't.

I mean, you know, this cop made a very interesting decision, and you can't really go against it. I feel like if he's moving that slow, even if he did have a samurai sword, would it really matter? He probably wouldn't be able to pick it up. You could just push him. Yeah, that's a good point. You old! I do think if you're over 60, you should be allowed to carry a sword with you wherever you go. I mean,

something has to adjust for the fact that no one sees you as a threat any longer. I know, man. I've seen far too many animes and martial arts films. Old people can move with swords, man. You think so? Yeah, I know so man. I've seen far too many animes and martial arts films. Old people can move with swords, man. You think so? Yeah, I know so. Really? Yeah, I've researched this. I'll tell you what.

There was a helped an old lady carry her groceries up five floors today, which was a nightmare. No, no, yeah. She was standing in front of the apartment. Ben, you've had to do this for this particular woman. Holden and I are roommates. We live over there in Williamsburg, and there is an elderly gal. She lives on the fifth floor. She's been there forever.

90, dude. She's 90 years old. And she basically waits outside of our front door. Like when you're fishing and you use a bobber. And she just waits there and she kind of bobs around. Dude, helpless. She has multiple bags. She stands there helpless.

I'll tell you what, though. And then as soon as you see her, you are forced to carry all of her groceries up five stairs. And that's a thing. If you don't, you're an asshole. You have to do it. She's like, you'll help me. You'll help me. And that's a thing. If you don't, you're an asshole. But she's just... She's like, you'll help me, you'll help me. And I had this big bag of laundry. You gotta help her.

I'd gotten back from a run. I was covered in sweat. And I'm just like, yeah, fuck, I'm fine. Do I have a choice? Can someone just taser you so you can die? That would be great. If she had the sword, it wouldn't even be a question. I'd be like, oh, I love helping that woman.

Of course. Carry her groceries up the stairs. Another good reason the elderly should carry swords. When you get up to her apartment, though, is she like, Hey, mister, you closed the door now. You closed the door. And then she lays down. She's not Asian.

No, no, no. Not Asian. Not Asian. She lays down on the bed, right? And she just pulls up that tight skirt she's wearing. So I decided to close the door. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she goes, I say,

Oh, you take a pop tart to my bag. I get the pop tarts in there. A pop tart? I take the pop tarts out of my bag. What do you want me to do with the pop tart? She goes, put them in my toaster. Put it in your toaster. Put them in my toaster.

In the kitchen, correct? No, no, no, my toaster. Not the one in the kitchen. Where's the other toaster? Toaster here. And she's got a perfect vagina. Like an 18-year-old's vagina. Yeah, it was blessed by the devil at a young age.

I'd fucking finger and fucking eat her pussy. Well, no, she actually just wanted you to make her a Pop-Tart. She's very old and hungry. I put the Pop-Tart in. What is wrong with you? Now you're raping this old woman? Thank you. Thank you.

Get out. Yeah, and then she's like creamy like a toaster strudel. Thank you. Get out. You're done. We done. No tip? No tippy?

That was your tip. That was my tip. Strip and frost it. How come you just talked like Henry for two seconds? Because I was breaking into commentary. You're scaring me, old lady. I think that is true. Cut me with the sharp corner of the Pop-Tart.

I feel like a woman at any age can use their vagina as a tip for services. You know, if I was a woman, I would never pay for shit. I mean, why not? You are currency. I think you'd be shit. I mean, you are currency. I think you'd be dead. You'd be raped and murdered. I would be raped and murdered. Oh, well, I would not be raped. Six foot seven, 300 pound woman.

Yeah. I would be gorgeous. I would be amazing. You'd have legs for days. I would have legs for days. I would have season tickets to the Knicks courtside. It would be fantastic. I'd be hanging out with everybody that's a big timer.

You're right. That is what being a woman is like. It's crazy. Thank you. I don't even have to work. So I'd be hanging out with everybody that's a big timer you're right that is what being a woman is like it's crazy you do you have to work so you'd be fucking Spike Lee yeah I yeah I read that I Gloria Steinman I read her and that's what she was saying that if you're a woman you get to fuck Spike Lee and sit courtside with the New York Knicks you just say Gloria Steinman Steinman yeah oh no. Are you thinking about the liberal girl, Gloria Steinman? Yeah. No, no.

I read Gloria Steinman. Yeah. Yeah, no. She's a homeless woman. She wrote on the sidewalk. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wrote in urine.

Either way, I thought it was a fantastic, fantastic block of concrete to read. Fantastic. Yes. Marcus, any other stories over there? Absolutely. Absolutely. State police say a man twice tried to kill himself on Interstate 79 in southern Pennsylvania before going to work. So sad.

Yeah. You only wanted something with a funny opening? I knew you'd like it. Police say he first tried to end his life by jumping out of a moving vehicle that was driving him to work in Cannonsburg, about 50 miles south of Pittsburgh. That happened at 7.45 a.m. About half an hour later, police say the man stepped over a guide rail into the path of a tractor trailer,

which tried to avoid the man, but ended up just knocking him out of his shoes. Police say the man jumped up, grabbed his shoes, slid down a hillside, and walked to work. I thought you were going to say he tried to choke on his own shoes after that.

I'm going to eat my shoes. You just got hit by a tractor trailer. You were covered in asphalt and cuts and bruises. You walk into work. It's like, ah, man, this commute. It's ridiculous. It's rough out there. There's a lot of traffic.

Yeah, this carpooling thing is getting way out of control. God, where did he work that he really didn't want to go so bad? I don't know. That's all the information I have on the story. Damn. I mean, I feel like, what, do you think he was suicidal? It was Joe Biden. I mean, do you think he was suicidal because of his work?

Is that why people? No, definitely not. He still went to work. Yeah, true. He didn't call out sick, which is insane to me. That's a true American right there. Seems like a good reason to call out sick. I mean, he rolled out of a car, got hit by a tractor trailer.

If there's any reason that's better than the flu, it's that one. Like, how old do you think this guy is? I have to say... 37. 22. Wow. How can you hate life... But that's the time. I mean, that's when you went through your crazy time, right? Oh, yeah. I was insane at that time. Everyone who's going to be suicidal, I feel like it happens to them around 22.

Yep. That's about the time. Did you try to kill yourself quite a few times, Marcus? No, I never tried killing myself. I mean, not actively. Wait. You just thought about it quite a bit. So you just took off your shoes and wandered in the middle of the highway.

I held a lot of guns. Oh. And just stared at your gun. How long would these sittings last? Oh, like an hour. Would you listen to music while you did it? No, just silence on the porch. Okay.

That's terrifying. That's so scary. Porch silence is technically suicide music. That is. I've actually heard that. That's a good point, Henry. And that's a very nice classic way to kill yourself. A gun to the head. This guy was very creative. Also, he jumped out of a car

at 745 on his way to work. His co-workers didn't say when he got to work, he's like, hey, fucking Marty jumped out of the car in the middle of the freeway and they kept going. So how is he? We saw him get hit by a tractor trailer, but he should be showing up any minute now. Yeah, that's true.

I mean, they apparently kept going. They didn't turn around and try to pick him back up. Let him go, man. Just fucking let him go. Yeah, because everyone's miserable at that job. They're like, do it, dude. You're rolling to school. Finally, someone's got the fucking guts to do the thing he needs to do.

It's like, okay, what job do you think it was? Like party planners? It's got to be IT. IT? Yeah, definitely. I don't know, man. It takes a mathematician's mind to think about such creative ways of suicide. I mean, this is insane stuff.

I don't know if he's that creative. He was just on the way to work. He was probably like, ah, fuck it. I'm trying this out. Yeah, try this out. I would say that's a factory job. He's in Pennsylvania. I mean, Pennsylvania's a miserable place.

He's probably like tubing bologna gook into fucking casings every day. Yeah, something like that. I mean, that's not a bad gig. Take home all the leftovers. Well, you would love it. This casing is empty. No lunch break for me as long as I put this tube up to my mouth every ten minutes.

You know? Then I'm like a big human sausage. I think that sounds wonderful. It's like all in your beard is like mustache wax. Mr. Kissel, we need to talk to you. I'm making fucking gloves on and goggles covered in meat. It's like it doesn't even fucking matter. I think you're stealing the product, Mr. Kissel.

Oh, if by stealing it you mean fucking loving it. I gotta tell you, boss. I fucking live to work. You know what, guys? Here's the deal. Don't pay me anymore, and just let me come in here for eight hours and suck on the tubes. I'm sorry, Mr. Kissel, but before you can leave, we have to check your pants. Oh, no.

Oh, I... I ate the whole thing. I'm sorry. Ben was very large at one point in his life. I am still 6'7 and 260 pounds. Absolutely. Your normal size for how big you are used to be really big. Well, I used to be 380 pounds.

I lost 160 pounds, and I actually did get fired from Burger King for injecting their chicken tenders with ketchup on either side. What you do is you take a chicken tender. You take a chicken. And this is a phenomenal way to get through a Burger King lunch shift. You pop in the double sides of the ketchup. And you puff it out until the chicken McNugget becomes impregnated with the ketchup. I'm glad you sort impregnated that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then as soon as you see it like spurt out a little bit, it's done. And then you take that and you put it in your mouth real quick like, so Fat Wendy doesn't see it because she's a manager and she's a bitch. Now, it is true that your senior year of high school in your yearbook, you were voted most monstrous? Most monstrous. I was actually voted loudest, rowdiest, and class clown.

Really? So most monstrous I think sums up those three. Exactly. Yeah, definitely. Loudest, rowdiest. Yeah. I've been fired from every single fast food job I ever had. But you know what? You had too many. I mean been fired from every single fast food job I ever had. But you know what?

You had literally seven, right? I had six. But I didn't once jump out of my fucking car on the way to work because I'm an American, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, I hear you. You go to work and you get fired like a real man. Yeah. You don't fucking show up late with no shoes on.

Yeah. I think it's also pretty comical that he got knocked out of his shoes by getting hit with a trailer. I saw one of those the other day. It was actually very tragic. I saw a woman on the ground, no shoes. Shoes were a few feet away from her. Just got hit by a car. Is that a woman on Metropolitan?

No, no. It's a different old woman. See, I saw an old woman get hit by a car the other day, too. Shoes off? Yeah. Yep, shoes off. Laces out. Shoes always come off.

Tie your shoes. Shoes off. He flew all the Tie your shoes. Shoes off. He flew all the way over this van like side flip. Dead fish. Landed on the street. Broke his hip probably wide open. But he was alive? Yeah, he was screaming, Why?

Oh, dude, that's so funny. That reminded me when I saw somebody get hit by a bus and his leg was like in the wheel and he was screaming, why? What the fuck? But the way that he was saying it, he was such a hipster douche where I was like, just move on, bus. You did great work for the day. One less bicyclist zooming past me at 30 miles an hour.

It was hilarious the way he did it too because he was just riding on the side of the street just like looking up at the sky. And out of nowhere just turned into fucking oncoming traffic. It's like City of Angels. Right, right, right, right. He's screaming why it's because you turned into. Yeah, right, right, right. He's screaming why. It's because you turn into- Yeah, what a great day. What a pretty day it is outside for a bike ride.

Oh, my God. It's Meg Ryan from City of Angels. I just fucking said that. Did you just say that? The City of Angels. Did you guys watch that together and hold hands? No, we were talking about this. I forgot about this memory.

We watched City of Angels when City of Angels came out. It was me and Henry. I didn't even remember that movie. This is the Nicolas Cage feature, right? Yeah, with Ryan, and he's an angel. Two months around to see me. Don't even start with me right now, Henry. I'm going to go ahead and give away the ending,

because we were watching it, and it was with my mother and my father, and my mom and I are crying, and she's on the bike, and her arms are up in the air and she's riding she's so fucking happy and then my dad and Henry both said at the same time yeah and then she gets

fucking hit by a car and then we're like shut up don't ruin the movie and I was like eh goosh and we literally

my dad and I parade around the house going like yeah damn bitches damn bitches damn I got that bitch you ruined it

you ruined the Meg Ryan movie. That's how she dies in the movie. She dies for the most... And then just credits. It's all her fault that she died. Apparently, yeah, the subtitle of the movie was

Angel Loves Riri. Oh, that's very nice. I got nothing, by the way. That's nice. That's going to be on Chris Brown and Rihanna's wedding cake. That's fine. I just do it for me. I do it for me. That's good.

I feel like getting hit by a car, that's not a terrible way to die. I think it's a pretty bad way to die. What do you think? A subway or a car? Subway. Subway you could turn into ground meat. Yeah, subway you're out instantly.

I would like to be splattered on someone's face while I die. It depends on how you get hit by the subway. Yeah, that dude who got caught in between the platform and the train. He was a rage hooker for a while. Yeah, that's rough. He bled out. He was complaining? Oh, my God.

The entire time. But, you know, he went to work he sure he didn't have any pants on but that's fine probably one of the saddest things ever is i actually didn't see this my friend saw this we were going to work i worked as a mover at this time and i was like seven in the morning completely ruined his day of course i thought it was you know it was sad but kind of hilarious right there was and why is that because all, so he was walking on his way to the moving truck. I was going to say, because you're a terrible person. Yeah, well, I'm a good guy. I'm very likable.

He was on the way to the moving truck, and then he sees all this commotion around the street, and he's like, what the fuck is this? And he walks up, and there's a dude just brain splattered everywhere on the street. Really? He was right by the sidewalk, and he had a cane next to him. Very interesting. Perhaps a taser situation gone on too long. It just was on the sidewalk.

It just fell over. And then his brain matter went everywhere. Like a car ran over his head? This is amazing. If I would have seen this. I mean, this is your Jackie moment. Put the brains back in his head. I mean, you could have been a Kennedy.

This is fantastic. I don Put the brains back in his head. I mean, you could have been a Kennedy. This is fantastic. I don't understand what that means. Jackie Kennedy tried to put... John F. Kennedy was the president of the United States. He got his brains blown out, and his wife had the privilege of trying to shove him back into his head like trying to put cheese in an omelet. If you look at it, you see her climbing over the back,

and a lot of people think that that's because she's trying to get away. No, she's going back, picking up brain and skull pieces, and then trying to shove it back in. Why? She always looked at her intelligence. She's like a horror movie character. She's freaky, man. That sounds great.

She also knew that they would sell really big on eBay one day if she could put them in a little locket. That's true. So whatever happened with this guy, you just walked past him? I don't know what else happened after that. I literally saw the computer standing around, but I didn't go check it out. And it was actually Dan Carroll. Oh, okay.

We were working together that day. Dan Carroll is a former comedian who is now a very professional mover who runs a great moving company. So if anybody out there listening or in the audience is thinking about moving. What's the name of that moving company? Intense Movers. Hit him up. And it is very intense. He just screams it the whole time and he doesn't

tape anything up or even carry it downstairs. He just throws it and hopes it doesn't break. Did he give up comedy because he saw the brain splattered on the cement? That's kind of fun. Yeah, it's a good reason to give up comedy. It's a bad day to be on shovel duty if you're an EMT. I had my day ruined the other day because I went out to take my trash out and

I had slippers on and I stepped on a dead bird. Really? At least you had slippers on. It's gross, though. It's gross because it's soft. Slippers? It's like stepping on an old sandwich. Was it guts out or it was just dead?

No, it was frozen. It must have died of a heart attack. Sure. Like something natural, like poison or something. Yeah, it was taking too many five-hour energies and just immediately exploding. Yeah, he ate bacon too hard and then had a massive John Candy fucking coronary. Like four level. It's a health tale. Yeah.

On the left wing. Well, while we're in the realm of birds, it's time for chicken news. Let's do chicken news. Let's do chicken news. Let's do chicken news. Let's do chicken news. Thank you. A Western Ohio restaurant is trying to help a patron get his pet chicken back. Peach's Bar and Grill in Yellow Springs has offered a $100 reward for the safe return of the pet chicken named Falcon with no questions asked. Very confusing. Got to get your chicken back,

motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. It says a customer tucked the live chicken into his backpack when he came in to watch a band perform, but he says the pack with his chicken was stolen. I have no other information. Did he go to, like, coat check and they're like, uh, no, we got a Falcon named Chicken in here, but no chicken named Falcon. I'm sorry, sir.

I mean, who brings a chicken in their backpack? To a concert. I mean, I've heard of smuggling beers. Maybe you get a little weed in there. You're trying to sell some ecstasy. Maybe it was inside the chicken. Oh, that's why he wants it back so bad. You gotta open that chicken.

Yeah, turcocaine and turductin joke. That didn't go well. Just keep drinking. Just keep sucking my beer. It's fine. Yeah, I've been on a roll all day, you know. It takes a lot of balls to name a chicken, Falcon. Yeah, man, that must be some fucking chicken.

I tell you what. It must be. Ben is broken. Ben has finally broken his own mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's sad. No, but I liked what you were saying there, Henry. Did you no longer beef on me? Oh, well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's sad. No, but I liked what you were saying there, Henry. Did you no longer

beef on me? Oh, well. No, no, no. I have. I've had a great day. No, I was hanging out with this girl really shattered me earlier

because she didn't like my beard and then she said I was, you know. What fucking bitch was this? Nikki Glaser was talking about my beard. You know, Nikki Glaser is a very successful

female comedian. And you were attracted to her. Oh, I would love to bang her fucking sweet, sweet ear. All right. Just her ear. There goes that. That's a bad thing to say in public. Yeah.

Why is that? And on a podcast that anyone can listen to. Oh, no. She would be more than happy to know that I want to have sex with her. All the girls love to feel scared. So what's going to happen with this chicken? I can't talk about it. I mean, I'm too down.

I can't talk about it. We can't go back. No, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Well, I hear more about this Nikki Glances. I know. No, dude, there is no situation. What is your favorite part of her? Man, her fucking, you know.

Attracted to it. Don't be like, poor pussy. Like, what is your most favorite part of her? I enjoy it to it. Don't be like, poor pussy. What is your most favorite part of her? She has good cheekbones. When I saw her today, she was just coming fresh out of bed and we did a little interview and I thought that it was nice to...

It was almost as if I was there all night. And then we just like, get up in the morning. Why? No! That's nice. That's not nice. You know, I was like, you know. That's not nice. Why isn't that nice?

That's like smelling someone when they first woke up being like, it was like I was just in your bed. You know, you can smell someone's bed after they just woke up? No.

What are you fucking talking about? What are you outing yourself on right now? I know what you're talking about. I know what you're talking about. Okay. No, no, no. It was great. Either way,

she made fun of my beer and then she said just a bunch of terribly mean things about me. About what else? What else did she not like? I don't dress well enough. Girls want you to dress well now.

What kind of interview? Yeah, you need a mock tour. Oh, this is for a web series that I'm working on. So it doesn't matter. But, I mean, it does matter. It's going to be very funny. Check it out. You got to fuck her, man.

Well, thank you. Let's move on with the chicken news. Falcone. I have no more chicken news. They're offering a $100 reward for the return of the chicken. I think that's high. That means that you could possibly just bring a chicken in there, try to pass it off as Falcon.

Nah, dude. This dude is bringing his chicken in a book bag. He knows his chicken. He knows chicken. That's the test. As soon as he gets another chicken, he tries to put it in a book bag. If that chicken rebels against it, that's not at all Falcon. You've tries to put it in a book bag. And if that chicken rebels against it, that's not an adult falcon.

That's the thing. Silver slipper. That's right. You've got to try it out. You've got to shove the chicken into a backpack numerous times before you bring it into the bar. That's a good point. Glass slipper. Yeah.

Yeah, not silver slipper. No, I was thinking about Wizard of Oz because originally the shoes were silver. No, no. Before. No, no. The book. In the book, the shoes were silver. No, no. Before. No, no. The book. In the book, the shoes are silver.

We should just mail this guy like a bucket of KFC chicken and just be like, found Falcon, which is kind of funny. Is this how KFC gets all their chickens? Are they all stolen chickens?

I think so. They're kind of free ranging away. No, I don't think they're real chicken. I think it's goop. Oh, KFC. Yeah, it's goop. Yeah.

I almost said goop. No, but then you did say it. Yeah. So that's good. You just said it. That's fine. Keep saying it. No, but then you did say it. Yeah, so that's good. You just said it. That's fine. Keep saying it. Yeah, we said no more of that.

No. All right, I'm sorry. Jackie occasionally just bursts into random racist Asian. We already did Asian. Racism. He did it first. Yeah, but that's okay because China's beating us in every way, so we're allowed to do it now.

There you go. All right, Marcus, what other news stories are there, buddy? We're going to stay in the realm of animals here. Officers performing a routine probation check on a Northern California man yesterday were shocked to find that he had some 34 pounds of marijuana in his rented house. Cool, man. But they were more startled to discover the animal guarding it, a five-foot alligator named Mr. Teeth. Perfect animal to guard your weed. If I was going to pick something to guard my weed,

it's Mr. Teeth, fucking right there. If I can check out Mr. Teeth. Oh, he's terrifying. Oh, that's all. And every Christmas, they wrap him in Christmas lights. And he loves it. The Mr. Teeth wreath. Oh, I couldn't imagine. Mr. Teeth wreath, I like that. Yeah, Mr. Teeth Wreath. Oh, I couldn't imagine.

What are you going to get? Mr. Teeth Wreath. I like that. Yeah, Mr. Teeth Wreath. What are you going to get to guard your weed, Ben? I would like to get just like a morbidly obese picture of myself when I was morbidly obese. Right. So just a big picture of me.

And then when somebody walks in, I pop out of it all skinny. And I'm like, look at me now. And then they're like stunned. And they're like, ah, yeah, but he's still so ugly. And I'm like, that's my weed, you know. And then they run away. Very good. So even skinny, I'm scared. Kevin, what are you using to protect your marijuana?

You're saying my marijuana? Yeah. Loch Ness Monster, hopefully. Absolutely. I mean, it would have to be underwater. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I said hopefully. I mean, it would have to be underwater. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. That's why I said hopefully. I mean, can the Lock-Nest Monster survive out of water?

Yeah, it can. It can do whatever I think it can do because I believe in that shit. Hard. That would be a big tank. That would be fun. Keep the weed behind the tank. Listen, we all got dreams. That's what I'm talking about.

Why don't they just put just fogs and fogs of actual weed smoke into their weedery, and then as soon as somebody busts in there to steal all the weed, they get super stoned, and then they're just like, I am good. Does that even work? Why not? Absolutely. Secondhand weed smoke. No, life is not how high. Life is not a weed comedy.

You can't just put weed smoke in someone, and they're like, oh, fucking peyote. That's how weed works. How else do you do it? You've shotgunned with another man before holding. Yeah, but you suck in the smoke in your mouth. Yeah. You suck a big stream of it.

You guys know what shotgunning is? Yeah, I didn't know you shotgunned with a man. Men and women, all types. I'm open to all shotgunnings. The first, the chick who taught me how to shotgun, though, was a chick who looked just like Winnie Cooper. With the weed? Okay. Okay. They nodded their heads. I can't see any of them. I don't know. It's fine. They're fine.

Okay. Opposite end of a blunt in your mouth so that the lit part is inside your mouth. You wrap your lips around it. You walk up to someone. You kind of grab them by the back of the neck. Yeah, and you like... Alright. Okay. And then you blow ever so gently, and it shoots fucking dank bud smoke into their throat.

Sweet fucking crippling green-fingered delicious fucking nug smoke. All right. Me and Holden did that the first night we met. That's how we became friends. That's how we became brothers. There's mustache hair in this microphone mesh. A little hair sticking out of it. Now that the movie's wrapped, are you going to keep the stache or what?

I don't know. Yeah, and the movie is, Henry was in Martin Scorsese's new film, and that's why he has that sweet mustache. I have a mustache. He's going to the swanky wrap party tonight. Woo! That's why he has his mock turtleneck on. Mock, yeah, turtleneck.

Making fun of the other fucking necks because mock turtlenecks make you sexy. Marcus, what happened to this goddamn Mr. Teeth? First of all, the man purchased Mr. Teeth in 1996 to commemorate the death of Tupac Shakur. That's great. Good for him. That is the nicest way to remember Tupac. But he's also a big fan of the Muppets. That's great. Good for him. That is the nicest way to remember Tupac. But he's also a big fan of the Muppets.

Because Mr. Teeth is the piano player in the Muppets. I love this guy. And he grows weed. And he lives in a rental. Is he one of us? He sounds great. I kind of want to meet him. I would love to meet that guy.

Here's a picture. His name is Asif Mayar. Oh, we don't know him. There he is. Oh, he's a great friend. This is one of us. I like him. He's guy. Here's a picture. His name is Asif Mayar. Oh, we don't know him. There he is. Oh, he's a great friend. Oh, yeah. This is one of us. I like him.

He's got a criminal's face. He looks like a dark-haired Eddie. Yeah. He does have a criminal's face, yes. Yeah. But, well, like she said, he looks like a dark-haired Eddie. Yeah, he does. He does.

Yeah. Big fat dumb Ed. There you go. What are your five fattest things about Ed? I think it's his mayonnaise lotion that he puts over his skin to keep him moist. It's his fucking ham hat he wears that he skin to keep him moist. It's his fucking ham hat he wears and he can't help but eat so he's got to get a new one every day.

It's his bacon suspenders. Fucking pants always down around his ankles because those suspenders don't last. Fucking the nine heart attacks he has walking to the mailbox to get his fucking cheese mail. Yeah. And then his fucking bucket of throat sweat that he keeps that comes off of his head.

He's going to start selling that. Yeah. Fantastic. Ed Larson is part of the roundtable of gentlemen. He's just in L.A. for the past couple of years. He's very large. Ed Larson is currently. Henry is replacing him right now.

And strangely enough, Henry, you are fatter than Ed. No, no, no, no, no. I'm no longer fatter than Ed. That's the thing. Ed is larger. No, you don't smell as much as Ed. As much of ham and bologna. Because I covered myself in fine powders and colognes.

Yeah, that's the thing. My lady was saying how you smell like baby powder. Always. Well, it's because Henry went to Lush, and the women were like, oh, you'll need this powder. Now are they? Oh, you'll need this powder. And I was like, oh, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

And so when you get close to Henry, you can literally inhale the powder. You can eat the powder at Lush. No, you're not supposed to. Yeah, I mean, it makes your mouth dry. I think rephrase it like, I ate the powder at Lush. But it's filled with cocoa butter. And it's filled with thyme and all this other stuff.

It's not actual butter. You could cover a piece of chicken in my powder and cook it, and it would be delicious. No. I'm sure that's true. Absolutely not. Yeah. Hopefully that happened to Falcon.

Well, we'll see what happens when I'm at my house. Well, that's the thing is, by your funeral, we're going to cook you in the powder, right? And eat you. Yeah. That'll be fun. Yeah, it will be fun. All right. I want to know what happens to Mr. Teeth here.

Did they kill this guy or this alligator? No, no, no, no. He's under a one-month quarantine. He wasn't in good shape. Oh, no. He was unhealthy. He was unhealthy. Yeah, apparently Mr. Mayar was not keeping up on his alligator maintenance. That's bad.

Since 96. That's right. That's the thing. I'm just looking at this. More other stories to follow. And it says the fancy dressdressed squirrel who may be too friendly for his own good.

Squirrel in a little hat! It's a little tiny hat on a squirrel. We'll just go ahead and do breaking news here. I haven't read the story yet, but breaking news. This is breaking news. A university

student has struck up an incredible relationship with a tiny squirrel named Sneezy who lets her dress it up in a range of eye-catching hats. Yeah, it's little tiny hats on the squirrel. Let me see Sneezy.

Isn't that fucking darling? That's unbelievable. Sneezy is one of that fucking darling? Sneezy's amazing. That's unbelievable. Sneezy is one of the cutest squirrels I've ever seen. You send him in, he will fix the fiscal cliff. He will raise the debt ceiling. You get Senator Sneezy in there. Senator Sneezy would just absolutely dominate every single political convention on the face of the planet. Absolutely.

He'd be our first squirrel president. She just had lunch in the same place every day, and every day Sneezy would get a little bit closer. So did she knit a little hat? Finally, she just put a hat on him. Why not? Let me read her exact words here. One day, I was sitting in a routine,

and some kids nearby were feeding a group of squirrels, and they were running away, so we decided to try the same thing. And they got friendlier and friendlier, particularly Sneezy. But I honestly don't know what inspired me to put hats on her. I just wanted to see what I could do, because it was funny. I hid a tiny doll hat with

me, and I tried it. Amazingly, she sat there with it on long enough for me to take a picture. It was so cute. Why did she have a doll hat on her? What a fucking creep. This is a psychopath. Yeah, what's up with the doll hat? Then I started making different hats, including a special birthday hat, as it was my grandmother's birthday.

So we sent her a picture, which she loved. Oh my god. This woman is a psychopath. And her grandmother is a skeleton. Her grandmother hasn't been alive since World War II. She's an 18-year-old freshman at Penn State University. Oh, the rape school.

Oh, classic, typical Penn State. Raping the kids, putting hats on squirrels. Yeah, Penn State starts with a P. I just saw another word that starts with a P. Pedophilia. Think about it. Think about it. Powerful.

I mean, do you think the squirrel liked wearing the hat? It sounds like a terrible thing for the squirrel to wear. Squirrels are fucking sluts for attention. You think they're sluts? Yeah, look at him all sauntering around waiting for someone to pay attention to him. Christmas lights. You were just talking about putting Christmas lights on the alligator. Christmas lights on the squirrel.

There's Christmas lights on the squirrel. Oh, he's wearing a little pheasant one. That's great. He's wearing a chef's hat and another. Oh, what's he cooking up there? He's got a little clown hat. He's got a little bow.

I think the trucker hat is my favorite one. Oh, graduation cap. Oh, he's got a graduation hat. Oh, a cowboy hat. I like the cowboy hat. Oh my god, is that a hat made out of human fingers? Yeah. One day she's going to love Sneezy to death.

And then she's going to find fucking Sneezy parts all over her. Oh, she is definitely the female equivalent of Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Of course. I love this girl. I'm betting that this lady is 300 plus pounds, right? Oh, yeah. How fat do you think this woman is, guys? Let's just take a survey.

No, she's not fat. I mean, she's a piggish woman. No, don't show us yet, Marcus. She is lonely. She's lonely. Oh, yeah. She looks like a piggy. She's lonely.

She's thinner, but she's got a piggy's face. She is not thinner. She's very fat. Well, you know what? Some people put hats on squirrels. I myself played Final Fantasy VII for fucking 20 hours a day. I mean, you know, however you get through college. It's like a photo of her, and the camera adds like 10 pounds,

but putting hats on a squirrel adds like 75 pounds. Like, that just makes you morbidly obese. That is tragic. this poor woman any friend of her at Penn State should just no way she is a friend I don't know not anymore the squirrel wanted to have friends. Now it's dressed like little John Wayne the squirrel. Every bird and every squirrel in the park is like, let's see what the fuck Sneezy's doing. Oh, Sneezy is the gayest of all the squirrels. Oh, I feel bad.

Sneezy writes. I'm like, Sneezy should be able to marry whoever Sneezy wants to marry. Sneezy is like Samuel Jackson from Django Unchained. That's right. Sneezy, you're turning your back on your people. Be a strong squirrel. Turn your back on people. I say, like, Sneezy's hanging out with his fat bitch.

She's putting hats on him. I can't believe it, but there's somebody who's just like, oh, I wish I was Sneezy so bad. I love those hats. Oh, poor fucking Sneezy. I guess it's not the worst thing that's ever happened to a squirrel, though. No. Sometimes squirrels are all fucking gutted. Yeah.

All right. Yeah, sure. Yeah, I don't think you've met Henry's relatives. Yeah, exactly. And then you'll find out what some fucking people could do to some squirrel. Well, if you ever wanted to know what... A whole bunch of heinous bullshit you could do to a little squirrel. We'll just look in Henry's freezer and I'm sure we'll be able to see it. All right.

That's great. That's great. All right. Tight squirrel. Marcus, give us one more news story here. All right. That's great. That's great. All right. Tight squirrel. Marcus, give us one more news story here. All right. A vicar attended a hospital with a potato stuck up his bottom and claimed it got there after he fell onto the vegetable while naked.

I hope that really happened, though. I hope that's the truth. That better be the truth because that's amazing. I had a bit of a vegetable mixer up. Whoop. Oh, no. A little vegetable mixeroo here. Very interesting.

The clergyman who was in his 50s told nurses he had been hanging curtains when he fell backwards onto his kitchen table. So he wasn't even trying to be in a garden. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap Of course That sounds like the plot to a great Mr. Bean movie Mr. Bean fucks himself with a potato

Yeah, yeah, yeah That's the name of the silent lady Dude, so wait, I'm sorry for my ignorance here What the fuck is a vicar? It's just a priest A religious person, right? Yeah, clergyman But he's like high up a little bit?

Yeah, he's a little bit. He's a little bit higher up. Does he wear a funny hat? Yeah, I don't know if he wears a funny hat. All those idiots wear funny hats. All right, we know all the hats. All right, well, we got a bit of a religion issue here. Religion talk with Henry.

Doesn't last long. He happened to be nude at the time of the mishap, said the vicar, who insisted he had not been playing a sex game. Of course not. He fell upon the kitchen table. But I find it weird that he's like, oh, no, no, no, no. I was not playing a sex game. We didn't say a single thing about a sex game.

We were trying to, like, lie with you and for you like we do with everybody, including fucking pedophiles. So just keep going with this, you know? But a potato is biodegradable. Can't you just, like, let it wear itself out in there? Oh, yeah, for a few years? No, potatoes go bad immediately. It'll grow some eyes. You might get stimulated from it.

Or is there, like, a little baby one? I mean, it doesn't say exactly, but dimensions of said potato. You think he's going to become, like, a potato? No, like, I mean, it's going to sprout, like, up through your intestines. Or can it, like, ferment to become a potato? No, I mean it's going to sprout up through your intestines. Or can it ferment and become booze? No. No. Isn't it like potato moonshine?

It's like a long game butt chugging. You put the potato up there, eventually it's vodka, then you're drunk like three months later. Butt chugging is not a sprint, it's a marathon. Potato inside of you must hurt a lot. You should see how he makes sangria. You know, it is a long process. Very fermented.

He was just jealous. He was like, can you imagine getting hard, like, thinking about Idaho? All day long, he's just like, man, I wish I'd be that sweet, sweet Denison, Idaho. I bet he was more like, oh, I wish I was one of the potato's eyes right now. I wish I could see it with my potato eyes. And while I was fucking shoved up his... That's creepy. I'm hard.

I'm sure you are. I'm uncomfortable. I'm wrecked. It is very uncomfortable. But it's sad, though, that we live in a society where this priest, he's obviously a man who would enjoy some anal play, can't just go to a sex shop, get a nice dildo that has the balls, which are needed for the stopper, because it is true it is not a uh it's it's it is sort of an accident only uh when when you get the anus uh in there you go in too

deep it's sucking it right back yeah it's gonna suck it in so that's what happened with the whole shit yeah oh so it's too bad yeah if it didn't have that going on you just always everyone would wear a diaper all the time which wouldn't be so terrible which i don't understand why that was not a go with my fucking girlfriend. But fine. I'll fucking shed at the toilet. In my fucking pants! Yeah. Can you imagine, like, being a vegetable in this guy's refrigerator, and every time

he opens up the refrigerator, all the vegetables are just like, don't pick me. Don't pick me. And then they see the potato getting picked, and the apples, you know, goes to the orange, and they're like, yeah, fuck yeah, dude. One more day of sweet refrigeration. He lets his butt do the picking, which, like, all the, like, vegetables are out, orange. We're like, fuck yeah, dude. One more day of sweet refrigeration. He lets his butt do the picking. All the vegetables are out. He just goes like,

which one do you choose? I would just love to see him host VeggieTales. That would just be my favorite. This is the most accurate VeggieTales. It would be a lesson at the end of the next one. Yes, and it should be. Tell me which one. Hey, are you asleep yet?

The two Vickers sleeping next to each other Which one of the VeggieTales Which one of them? You shove up your ass I don't know, Vicker I wish you'd go to sleep That's between you and God, Vicker Well, this hospital in Sheffield

This is in Sheffield, England It's not the only odd item That they've had to remove from rectums. In their records, they've also had to remove from backsides or genitals a can of deodorant, a cucumber, a Russian doll, and a carnation. Cucumbers clashing. A carnation is nice. You got to shove something up your ass. What are you doing?

I guess if you're a doctor and you end up pulling a carnation out of a man's ass, well, at least you have something to give your wife at the end of the day. There you go. Carnation. That's kind of nice. Or go to prom. Yeah. Absolutely. I would love to see that big old dusty book full of that information. Yeah. By the way. Oh, I thought you meant up your ass. It won't fit. Be careful. It's been

up an ass. That's a play, man. It's been up an ass. The potato's too small. You can't fucking hold on to it. That was an play, man. The potato's too small. You can't fucking hold on to it. That was an idiot's choice. He got sucked right in there. He built up to that, believe me.

Yeah. A carrot has been up there. Everything's been up there. Stirred with a little celery, a little ants on a log. Definitely. Yep. Oh, just leave the raisins behind.

Oh, absolutely. They just get stuck in there. It's just a coarse thing. I guess he probably sanded it down. Or what do you do? When you clean it, you hit the brush on it. It could have been peeled. We don't know. Yeah, that's true.

What if they also said they didn't put it and it was also carved into the shape of a little penis? Exactly. That's what I'm thinking. That would be fun. That's fine. That's an organic deal that's saving our environment. Who's fucking a potato and not a little kid? Am I right? I like it. I love it.

Vicar's gotta have a body and a life. What are you talking about? I'm trying to be, I don't know, man. I'm trying to be for Henry. Henry always thinks that all clergymen fuck kids. Pro the other son.

Not all of them. No, they all want to. Some of them submit to their whims. I think some of them just want to have sex with women. No, never. No, because they just have sex with women. I actually do agree with Henry on this one. If you had seen all the creepy documentaries Henry's seen, you would know that before they had to be celibate,

their earliest sexual memories was when they were a child with other small girls and boys. So they latch on to those things, and that's why they want to fuck little boys and girls when they get older. That is why. Because their sexuality was never allowed to mature, so they constantly want to fuck kids. That's when they played when they were children.

When they did that kind of stuff. So you guys fucked other little boys and girls. I fucked every boy that you knew me to be around. Absolutely. Oh, my God. Yeah, every little boy that I was around, I had sex with them. Exactly.

I'm proud of you. What are we talking about? I don't know, but it's time for a segment from home, McNeil. It was, by the way, it was called Beanie Weenies. Oh, that was Beanie Weenies? That's what we called Beanie Weenies. No, I think Henry is also very extra sensitive when it comes to pre-sexual assaults because you were the ideal boy to be molested a little there was a

gigantic molestation scandal at the i was an altar boy and i and i really wanted to be a priest and there was a gigantic molestation scandal in the church where i was which means that the priest molested every other kid but me and i think you weren't good enough i wasn't hot enough no i think it's because you were too good you know it's like when you're at a bar and you see like the most gorgeous woman you're like that's the love of my it's like when you're at a bar and you see like the most gorgeous woman and you're like that's the love of my life and then you see

her chubby friend and you have a couple shots of whiskey and you're like that's the love of my life but that's the girl I'm going to fuck. And so it's like

you know, and I'm telling you they wanted you too bad. They wanted to be special because they're looking there and I'm just like oh father, is there anything else

I could help you with today? And he's just like goddammit Henry Thomas if only you knew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, I feel like that's the thing. I feel like you're just because you got shut down at such a young age that's why you hate the clergymen and everything.

Absolutely, yeah. And I was giving it. You know, I was sauntering around. He used to waggle his ass up and down that aisle. They're brother and sister, by the way. You want it, you got it. He's like, push me down. I kept saying, push me down a lot.

Everyone's like, why? I'm curious if we've walked anybody. First of all, Henry. I can't see the audience, so I don't know. I don't think we have. Oh, awesome. Well, it's time for questions from the audience. Yeah.

Woo! Standing up. This is your. Why is he standing? Because I'm going to walk over there. Oh, this is so terrifying for them. They don't want you to go and penetrate their fucking sweet egg. Don't let him touch your wrist. Don't let him touch over there. Oh, this is so terrifying for them. They don't want you to go and penetrate their fucking sweet egg. Don't let him touch your

like your waistline. There's so few people in this audience, everybody has to ask a question. It's a podcast, so pretend like there's thousands of people. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. With all of you crowding around, I can't get to one person to ask a question. Anybody have a question? Question from the audience? I think the last time... Doug, Jackie's boyfriend,

you have a question. Go on, ask Jackie something about her weird past. You already know everything about us guys. What about you guys? You guys are new. Question? What's the Scorsese movie about, Henry? It is the true story of the life of the broker Jordan

Belford. That's really all I can talk about. Leo! Fucking Leo DiCaprio. The movie is about dumb mustaches. That's really all I can talk about. Leo! Fucking Leo DiCaprio! The movie is about dumb mustaches. That's right. The movie is three hours long. It is me dressed as Minnie Mouse. And if you want to see Henry's penis,

you do. My penis may be shown. He had to go full nude for the shoot. In all seriousness, the movie is called Wolf of Wall Street, and it's about colonial body types. And Henry Zebrowski is the star. Yeah, I look like a pope, an ancient pope. Henry, there were a lot of party scenes.

How many sets of tits did you see in front of you and overall the whole movie? I probably saw, and this is no exaggeration, I probably saw 60 pairs of breasts. Right, and how many of those pairs of breasts were Playboy bunnies? Like a 40 to 45.

Holy shit. Give it up for Henry Zebrowski, everybody. It was a very intense couple months. Give it up for Henry. I'll talk about it later. I cannot talk too much. Doug Austin, what do you got for us? What are the five other fast food places that you got fired from?

I'm happy you asked. First job of all time. We're talking Sweet Taco Bell. I was 15 years old. I got fired because I took out the garbage too early, and then I left, and he fired me. I don't know why, because I was putting tons of sour cream on those tacos. I noticed you were saying that you changed everyone's perspective in your neighborhood about what Taco Bell could be because you

were juicing the recipe. They were all Barry Bonds. They were all juiced up. They were all fucking playing in a different league when they went to Ben Kissel's Taco Bell for two months in Stevens Point, Wisconsin. Everything was extra. But the owner didn't like that. So I got fired from there

and then I was working at Wendy's and here's a little secret about Wendy's. Their chili- They hire fat dudes. I was working at Wendy's, and the thing about the chili over there is, don't eat it. That is two-day-old meat. They chop it up, and they put it in the chili because there's different laws as far as chili meat. Don't eat the old chili.

Also, my favorite is your factoid about Arby's. This is the thing. I also worked at Arby's and Arby's was in a Sbarro's. It was an Arby's Sbarro's. They never let me touch it. It was an Arby's slash Sbarro's? That's right.

That's disgusting. You should have seen the herd that rolled through that town. It was amazing. The thing about Arby's, well, before I get to Arby's, it was Pizza Hut, which I got fired from because I couldn't make the pizzas fast enough. And I kept on popping pepperonis. You got fired from every single one of them?

I got fired from every job I've ever had. Wow. Yes. And the thing about Arby's, though, is the meat comes, for all intents and purposes, liquefied. And they pump it into these little bags. And they kind of look like Falcon the chicken. They're in there, and then you've got to put them in the freezer for 48 hours. And then when it comes out, it's roast beef, sort of.

So it's frozen meat liquid. Right, it's frozen meat liquid. That they shave into roast beef. That's right. Which, by the way, you were like, oh, we got to go to Arby's. I love Arby's. Arby's is amazing. I wanted to throw up.

I got the same thing everybody else got, which is like the triple meat fucking... It's really interesting. It's afterbirth special. After two bites, it goes back into being

soft serve meat. And when you work at Arby's, when you work at Arby's, this is something you lay people will never understand. When you work at Arby's... By lay people you lay people will never understand. When you work at Arby's. By lay people, it means people who get laid. Woo!

Woo! Oh, my God. All right. Take it easy. No. This is the deal. You got your roast beef and cheddar, right? Okay.

That's 3.5 ounces of sweet liquid roast beef. You got your Big Montana. That's 7 ounces of sweet, sweet. Big Montana. Big Montana is fantastic. Love it. Okay. So you put your Big Montana amount of meat. You got your Big Montana. That's seven ounces of sweet, sweet. Big Montana's fantastic. Okay, so you put your Big Montana amount of meat. You got seven ounces on there. You douse it with the sweet cheddar.

You know what you're doing, though? You're by the deep fryer. You see some fucking mozzarella sticks. Why don't you drop some mozzarella sticks in there? What to do? I can only have one sandwich. I'm on a diet. You take the mozzarella sticks.

You plow them on top of the seven ounces of sweet meat and that Sweet liquid cheese then you got four mozzarella sticks on there Oh, is there a chicken wing that fell on the ground? No, it didn't but let's pretend it did pop that right on there next thing. You know, you're eating like a goddamn Jewish King It was massive I put a fucking toothpick in it, and I'll tell you one thing. That toothpick didn't even get through the bun. It was amazing. I loved it.

You lost the toothpick? That's the game. Find the toothpick. Did you eat the toothpick? Who knows? I mean, what does it matter? That's the thing. It's like everything goes red after that sandwich is made, and it's just carnage.

Oh, it was great. And then Ben wakes up in an alleyway like completely dated overall it's coming out of the sensory deprivation tank from altered states yeah and this is the thing and my only advice if you're going to get into the fast food business this is the only thing i've learned they don't enjoy it when you play one for me one for them which is like one pickle for the sandwich one pickle for me i mean it mean, it slows up the process, and it makes you very fat. I don't think it's sanitary is the major issue that they have with it. All right, anybody else with a question? Come on.

By anybody else, I mean somebody else. Yes, you. I'm totally disgusted. Ben, how did you lose the weight? I love this cocaine vodka diet. Let's do it. It's literally Diet Coke and rum and a lot of actual cocaine. And I was a wrestler in high school.

Not anymore. No, I was a wrestler in high school, and I had to be at a certain weight. So I just – and then I was exercising, but I just kept on eating. And then I was 360 pounds, and then I just did tons of blow, and I just only drank alcohol from when I was 21 to 22. And I still pretty much only drink alcohol. Hey, Ben, you want to show them your penis? No, I don't.

Don't do it. Or either way. It's just stomach skin. It needs a surgery to get rid of it. All right, everybody. Well, that's it. That's the segment. This has been the Rascal Gentlemen.

Thank you so much for coming out. Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, get a fast food shop. Eat all the food you want, and when you want to stop eating all the food you want, do a bunch of cocaine and rum and Diet Coke, and you're going to end up doing a podcast with five people you don't like.

Hold him and kneel him. And by the way, tomorrow me and Henry and Ben are going to be back at 3 p.m. tomorrow for the last podcast on the left. We're building our fantasy serial killer team. It's a macabre podcast. It's absolutely fantastic.

All right, well that is Henry Zebrowski. Thank you, buddy. Hold him and kneabre podcast. It's absolutely fantastic. So, all right. Well, that is Henry Zebrowski. Thank you, buddy. Hold him in your hand. Are you going to do mine? You're going to do yours? Jackie Zebrowski, Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel.

That is Marcus Parks. Thank you guys so much for coming out. Anyone here? Have a great evening. Thank you. Good night.