The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 133: Eleven Bucks Per Keet

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 133rd episode of the Round Table: a man is stabbed by his threesome partner for refusing to switch positions, the Michigan Batman is arrested once again, and Kevin some important tips on how to be a good stand-up comedian. Joining us today: Nick Vatterott, Bob Kuhan, and Micah Sherman!

Hello everybody, how you doing? Ed Larson from the Roundtable, a gentleman talking about all the wonderful things you can get on AdamandEve.com here on the greatest comedy radio station on the goddamn planet. Please give it up for CCR Cave Comedy Radio! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh no! How's everyone doing? Alright, today, we're switching it up a bit, because let's face it, we're selling fucking. And if you're not switching it up a little bit when you're selling fucking, then you don't know how to sell fucking. So today, we're not just looking at one particular item, we're looking at a whole plethora of the same item. Cockrings! Alright? one particular item we're looking at a whole plethora of the same item cock rings all right now i'm looking at the cock ring page like i usually do when i'm about to try to sell some

good shit i find something that appeals to me and i pick it out and i sell you that item i'm looking at these cock ring pages pages and pages and pages of cock rings and you know what i want all of them you know so i'm just here to sell you on the idea of a cock ring in case you're one of the few horrible degenerate people in america that doesn't own one yet all right they're one of the few sex toys that first of all they they pleasure the pleasure of the men and the women at the same goddamn time you know and that's what makes them so freaking popular you know they work and if you don't know But first of all, they pleasure the men and the women at the same goddamn time. You know, and that's what makes them so frickin' popular. You know, they work, and if you don't know how to use it,

it works by you put it on the shaft of your cock, and you throw it on the back, and it limits the blood flow into your dickie, you know, and it boosts the girth. It gives you big dick syndrome. You know, and when the ring's down at the bottom of your junk, you know, it's also kind of locking your squirt tube down. You know, so it's going to delay the juice that you spray, which is what we all want.

Who the fuck? I'm sick of thinking about Joe DiMaggio right before I come. Get a cock ring. What's wrong with you? There's huge dits in your face, and you're sitting there trying to think about baseball. You idiot. You, Ernie Banks would wish you were dead if he knew you were thinking about him. I'm getting off topic.

Some of the most popular cock rings are the vibrating cock rings. You know, everyone likes a little wiggle in your diggle. You know, so you get a vibrating cock ring. You know, it's got a small vibrator. And also some of them have, you know, clit rubbers. You know, and they get her going. You know, they get her all juicy loosey. You know, because who likes a

good no one likes a dry larry vagina everyone loves the juicy lucy all right you know there's several vibrating rings they come with multiple motors and they they target both the clit and the pooper you know so you can get they have like these little hook around guys jam her right in her butt you got a cock ring on she's getting dp'd by the only man she loves all right this is the ultimate if nuns could have this they would be nice they wouldn't have hit me when i dropped my pencil box fucking sister dolores i hope you're dead given a chance between a regular penis ring and a vibrating penis ring you're gonna want to go with

the vibrating you know it's usually the best option there because you know the other one serves its purpose the vibrating one you almost don't even need a woman if you have a vibrating almost you know so you know there's vibrates, but you can't...

It's nice to have a lady to be around and put it in. Just saying. But if you don't, if you're horrible looking, you're a troll, you don't have a chance, just get the vibrating cock ring. Look it on long enough, you'll have cum for sure. Alright, everybody. This has been Ed Larson. I miss you guys. just get the vibrating cock ring you'll have to come for sure alright everybody this has been Ed Larson I miss you guys

I will see you in a couple weeks and give my best to Ben Kissel I hope he's not too fat and disgusting signing off Ed Larson round table of gentlemen cave comedy radio

talking for Adam and Eve. Adam and Eve, where people learn how to fuck. Input the code CCR at checkout to receive a nice little discount, or if you spend enough money, some free porno vids. Now, here's the roundtable.

The roundtable. Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Civility. He's a lover of all races. Marcus, are you ready to pray? Well, you know, instead of praying this week, I'm going to do as I sometimes do. I'm going to read a poem. This is a pussy poem?

This poem is... Yeah, it's a pussy poem? This poem, maybe. That's nice. This poem is taken from the walls of ancient Greece. Yeah, this is a bit of a graffiti. And I'm going to read the original, or I'm going to read the literal English translation,

not the original Latin. All right, here we go. Boring. Yeah, yeah. I will sodomize you and face fuck you. Cock-sucking Aurelius and bottom man furious. You who think that I'm a pussy because of my delicate verses. It's right for a devoted poet to be chast himself, but it's not necessary for his verses to be so.

Verses which then have taste and charm if they are delicate and sexy. And when they can incite an itch. And I don't mean for boys. Yeah. Okay. All right. Saucy. But in those hairy old men who can't get their dicks up,

you, because you have read of my thousand kisses, you think I'm a pussy? I will sodomize you and face-fuck you! Okay. Amen! Amen. Was that in an ancient edition of Playboy? That's amazing.

That was Catullus, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it's great. Powerful stuff. I thoughtboy? That's amazing. That was Catullus, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's great. Powerful stuff. I thought I wrote that. Yeah, that was Catullus 16. Yeah, yeah, that was so great. They used to translate that different.

It's like, oh, I will Clintonize, and like all these words. That means face fuck. You've got to have face fuck. It's not a poem without face fuck. It's not a Clinton joke. I think how Charles Mikulski went back in time to graffiti something. Well, the two beautiful voices you've heard,

that's Andrew Short sitting in for Ed Larson. Thanks for being here, Andrew. And Reed Fahler, thank you for being here as well. Hi, thank you. And then, of course, our other guest in the Chuckle Hub, we've got Alex. Thanks for being here, bud. Hey, how's it going, everybody?

Oh, very good. You're a very brave, bold man. And then who else is on this table? I'm Jackie Zabrowski, red-skin lover. Is that right? I don't know if that's appropriate. I have the Indian headdress of my people on today. When did you become a Native American?

I could fuck anything. What? You're a Native American? That doesn't even answer it. It's not even a stereotype that they have. I understood her completely. That's true. You would be the luckiest lady

in an Indian ritual. I think squaw is the word. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah, I'm a ripe squaw. I don't know shit about Indians. Holden McNeely, swag, Nino Cooney for life. Oh shit, Kevin Barnett.

I want to say swag also. I'm a changed man. New jacket. You're all fucking LA now. I don't think I like LA Barnett. Kevin Barnett's hair is blonde. He turned blonde. He brought in a surfboard.

Hello! I don't know why y'all are high-fiving over something you both saw with your eyes. He turned blonde. He brought in a surfboard. Hello! Jackie Zabrowski! I don't know why y'all are high-fiving over something you both saw with your eyes. It's physical. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us today, buddy? A man claiming to be Meatloaf was arrested Sunday after trying to take the wheel of a taxi cab.

Amazing! Police said Eric Brown grabbed the wheel of the taxi while the car was traveling on Interstate 75. This is in Cincinnati, by the way. Brown was dressed in a vampire costume and was wearing makeup, which made him resemble the musician and actor. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him. Judge for yourself.

Now that is meatloaf. We're going to be posing a picture of this horrible monster on the Facebook page. He kind of looks like Divine. He looks exactly like Divine from the John Waters films. Meatloaf is more attractive than that. Give him that. Oh, sort of.

I don't know, though. Meatloaf is a dreamboat. His name is Meatloaf. Yeah, bad as hell. Are you fucking kidding me? Can you give us a little bit of it? Can you give us a little bit of it? Can you sing us a little bit of it? Two out of three ain't bad.

No, it's not great. It's not bad. If you had to bang Meatloaf or a group of Native American fellas, who are you going to bang? You can only bang one. One Meatloaf or ten Native Americans. That's a tough one. It's got to be ten Native Americans. Americans.

It's a tough one. It's got to be the ten Native Americans. Because they would give me such strong child that I would immediately kill and give back to the earth. You're going to kill the baby? There's something about this headdress. I feel so powerful. You're crying blood right now. It's very

strange. Trail of tears, baby. You got to do it because I heard if you fuck more than eight Native Americans, you earn the ability to summon wolves. And you can drink for free for the rest of your life. That's amazing. I can get enough points so the tenth one is free. Oh, all right.

Give me that card. I like that one. That one. The cartoonish Indian headdress that you're wearing is somehow giving you a false interpretation of India. I don't know. You mean that I'm strong and that I can drink as much as I want? Because I think that's what they do We're getting a bit of racism here Also, I'm going to say, Andrew is wearing a very cartoonish pilgrim hat

Yes Well, actually, it's a top hat Yeah, it's a top hat Also, man, it doesn't matter if we're racist against Native Americans. They're all dead. USA! USA! USA! I would like to humbly apologize to all Native American listeners right now. None of you.

I'll tell you what, too. They don't have the internet. The Swedish, too. I want to apologize to the Swedish. Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, why not? Or the Swiss, yeah. Oh, they're all so beautiful.

What do you have to apologize for? You know, because they're gay. Just being so ugly. The fact that you're on the same earth as beautiful Swedish women is sad for Swedish women, you know? That's the thing about Holden. He makes all of us look much, much worse. Marcus, what's going to happen to this guy? And why did he want to steal a cab?

Why wouldn't you steal a nice car? Well, he was charged with disorderly conduct while intoxicated. Okay. Yeah, so apparently he was out for the night dressed as a vampire and wearing makeup and telling everyone that he was Meatloaf. There really isn't any more information about Mr. Eric Brown. Just that he grabbed the wheel of a taxi cab. I mean, if you're a fellow who looks mildly like Meatloaf,

I guess you've got to exploit it to get some pussy, right? I'm sure there's some Loaf fans out there. I think that if anyone was going to give him pussyly like Meatloaf, I guess you've got to exploit it to get some pussy, right? I'm sure there's some loaf fans out there. I think that if anyone was going to give him pussy for being Meatloaf, they would know what Meatloaf actually looks like. Right, that's true. That is true. And if you look at his lip,

he's got quite a large pimple on his lip. Ooh, that's not a good place for a pimple. Wait, is that the herps, or is that just a pimple? No, that's just a pimple. It's a hair bun. How do you get a pimple there? Reed, if you had to dress up like some famous musician, who are you going to dress up to try to get a lady?

Oh, I might do... Was Meatloaf already done? Meatloaf is done. I can't remember. I think you could pull off a good sting. Something like that. I don't know why you wouldn't go with Gary Glitter. He gets a ton of...

I chose the wrong guy. That's the thing, you go out dressed like Gary Glitter, you're like, no woman will talk to me. I'm a rock star, for Christ's sake. What are you, a bunch of Thai police officers? You're the wrong lesbians. That's the only possible conclusion. Get away from me, boys.

I would say they could throw down a woman like, look at me, I'm a man, like a Paul Simon or someone. Look at me, I'm a man. That's him. A James Taylor type. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God, yeah.

The next time I get with a woman, if a woman ever goes into my bed again, I will definitely say, look at me, I'm a man! Immediately leave. And I'll hear that scream I always hear come out of his bedroom. I always wondered what that was. It's after, look at me, I'm a man.

That's the thing. Well, Andrew, you mentioned buttholes. Marcus, we do have a butthole story. Can we jump to that one? Yeah, let's go. Yeah, we can go ahead and jump to that one. Good song for you. Did you have sex with any hot ladies while you were in L.A., Kevin? No, let's go. Yeah, we can go ahead and jump to that one. Good song for you. Did you have sex with any hot ladies while you were in L.A., Kevin?

Nah, nothing, man. Nothing at all? Nothing? Not with that jumper that you have on? I only had this the last four days, man. I was trying to improve my life and my stats, but I couldn't. So you didn't see any titties while you were out there? I mean, it's a land of perfect bosom.

Yeah, I know. I was sad about it, man. But this is real life. This is real life. All right, Marcus, what's this butt story? Well, eight-month-old Elena Bowles looks like any happy, healthy baby. On the day she was born in South Carolina, her parents, Alexis Juno and Cameron Bowles, were in for a shock. Quote, they went in to take her rectal temperature

when she was born and Cameron said the nurse looked at him and said she doesn't have a butt. It's like a new definition for Lady Gaga's born this way. It's not about sexuality at all. It's about who has a butt and who doesn't. I like how that's a healthcare professional's reaction to see there's no butt. There's no butt here. I don't know what to do about this. I've never seen a baby without a butt and who doesn't. I like how that's a healthcare professional's reaction to see, there's no butt!

There's no butt here! I don't know what to do about this! I've never seen a baby without a butt! What did they do with his leg? Well, Elena was, the child was diagnosed with bacterial, a rare form of birth defect. Her mother explained her vagina and anal sphincter were fused together.

So is she pooping out of her pussy right now? Pooping out of pussy! I mean, this is kind of great. It mixes both worlds. I think this is an evolutionary step in the right direction. Oh, yeah. I love a good butthole. One hole for all.

I got one dick, one hole for all. What is the science, though? I mean, does it work? Can she shit out of it and also get fucked by it and have a baby with it? Okay, it's still a baby. Yeah. Well, I'm just saying, man, I already don't do no butt stuff. I'm definitely not fucking that. You're not going to take care of it? Okay, it's still a baby. Well, I'm just saying, man,

I already don't do no butt stuff. I'm definitely not fucking that. You're not going to take care of it? That's great. It's an opportunity for you to explore other worlds. But he does do baby stuff. But I have standards. Yeah, how hot's this baby?

Well, I mean, you can look for it yourself. I mean, here's a picture of the baby. We'll see. They don't have a picture of its butthole. Yeah, right? Yeah, there you go. Oh, it's a cute baby. It's a six.

Oh, it's a baby. I give that baby a 5.5, maybe a six. Oh, come on. It's a baby. If I were drunk and lonely, like, oh, no other babies at this party. Right, that's true. I was talking to Holden about this earlier today, how weird it would be if vaginas had balls, if pussies had balls. that would be kind of weird, right?

But the thing is, is that it wouldn't be, we'd be talking about how weird it would be if pussies didn't have balls. Yeah. If they had balls. I mean, we'd live in a world where it was normal. This was a real intellectual conversation. It was. It was. I mean, can you imagine taking down a girl's pants and then you just see a pussy with a bunch of hanging balls?

How many balls would it have? Two balls. Okay, just kidding. What if it was just one ball? See, I'd like to think it's like... With an eyeball on it. pants and then you just see a pussy with a bunch of hanging how many balls would it have two balls okay just what if it was just one ball i'd like to think it's like with an eyeball on it so that's the thing you have to charm both the woman and her pussy ball yeah yeah you have to like you have to work around it do you know a riddle it's like working with the golem It's great stuff A nightmare that would be Yeah think about that

You had to do double duty with a lady In order to get in there This girl's gonna have a great looking butthole though To her credit Well you know her mother says When all the surgeries are over with By the time she's one She'll never even know

Yeah well she's not gonna know Until she's 17 and goes on her first date And the dad calls the guy over. Oh, no, no, no. They're doing a bunch of surgeries to fucking give her a butt.

Yeah, they're making a butt. She's going to know when she fucking Googles her name and sees a picture of her. I'm the buttless baby.

She won't know, but we will know. I wonder if she'll still be able to get fucked in the butt. I mean, probably. Probably better than a normal butt. I don't know why they're just giving her one but the butt. I mean, probably. Probably better than ever. It's a normal butt.

I don't know why they're just giving her one butt hole. If you're going in and artificially create something. Give me a bunch of holes. Make it weird. Make it electronic. If they're going to artificially create it, though, I feel like a dude could really wreck her shit up. This is kind of the opportunity to build the best porn star ever.

That's a good point. Guys, still a baby. It's still a baby. It won't be for long. That's a good point. Still a baby. It's still a baby. Put some balls on. Won't be for long. It's prettier now. Later on, it's going to be big.

How many buttholes do you want, Andrew? How many buttholes do I want? I would like to have two buttholes. Two buttholes? Yeah, sure. You get two balls, two nipples,

two dicks. You get two buttholes. I would replace my belly button with another butthole. Oh. And you get shit standing up. Sneezing it out. Like a jelly donut?

Yeah. That's not... How amazing would that be if you could shit standing up? It would be great. If you sneezed. Oh, I just shit in my shirt. Like the pimple on that dude's lip,

you just want to pop it out of your stomach. I mean, that's too much, Jackie. That's inconvenient. That's too much. I don't think you really thought that through. I completely thought it through.

I'm still 100%. Jackie, so what are you doing in the boys' room with the urinal? Oh, taking a dump. Also, you could give Jackie a rim job and she could still see the top of your head. It would be nice. Oh, totally. You could actually see the man. No, you can do that.

You just have to bend the woman's legs back far enough. Marcus did definitely think about that. Marcus doesn't think about that. Marcus knows that. If you found out a girl could shit out of her navel, are you turned on by that, Marcus? Is that better for you? I mean, why would I be? I don't know. That's why I'm asking. Some people would probably really love it.

I'll tell you what, I kind of want to compare the numbers here. Marcus, Ben Kissel, how many rim jobs are we talking about in your lifetime? Given or taken, because nobody... Well, no, I had it one time, and I was like, what are you doing down there? I am a disgusting man. Yeah, yeah. Oh, the thought of that makes my. It's gross.

Nobody wants to think about it. Yeah, it's like a woman sucking on your toes. It makes me want to blow my brains out. The first thing you said to me when I saw you today is that you didn't shower today. And so now I'm eating that crusty butt. Think about it. Given. Giving?

Three. Three. Oh, wow. Well, it's over then That crusty butt. So how many? Think about it. Giving. Giving? Three. Three. Oh, wow. Well, it's over then. How many licks does it take to get to the center of one's asshole? Many. You love to lick it? Like, I understand.

I get in there. I play around. Licking it? He gets in. Big time. The thing is, it's just right there. It's just a friendly neighbor. Sometimes I go, knock on the door, ask for some sugar.

His nickname in college was the backdoor chomper. Oh, God. I saw the movie about you. Yes, yes. You know my style well, then. Backdoor chomper. Okay, because you don't do the butt sex, KB, but what if it is coming out of her belly button?

Is that better? No, it's not better. It might be a little bit more disgusting. I think it could be a little bit more disgusting. I think it would be a little bit more disgusting. I think it would be more fun to get fucked in the stomach. You know, like hit your organs. You'd be like, ow.

Stop. I guess so. That's a good point. Hitting the liver and stuff like that. Have you guys ever put your finger too far into your belly button? Yeah, I hate it. I've heard it. What is that feeling? You definitely pass a boundary where the reptile part of your brain is like, you don't want

to do this. No one knows what happens. Do we know why we even have belly buttons? If we don't poop out of them, we don't do anything with them. It's for the umbilical cord. Oh, we get that rule. It goes through the stomach. You can shit out of your belly button for a long time.

Into your mother. Oh my god. This is way too much. So it is possible. If we squeeze hard enough. Oh my god. Call the resident. This is way too much. So it is possible. Yes. With science. If we squeeze hard enough, just decide to not shit out your butt anymore. Tape it up.

Keep it in. And then squeeze your stomach as hard as possible. Maybe it'll come out. We'll check back in with Jackie next week. We'll see how the belly button shit trials go. She's just like 30 pounds lighter. We're like, what's your secret? Ben's shitting out my belly button.

All my organs are gone. All right. Well, you know what? You were just saying, check in with Jack. And we have said earlier, if you have any virginity stories, I got a pretty good one for you guys here. So we asked our listeners if they had good losing their virginity stories. It seemed to be a theme for the show for a couple of weeks there.

And yeah, so we have some from our listeners. It's a terrible theme because we're all actually virgins. We got one from a girl here. And asked us to not use her name. Because it is bad. So instead of calling her Sarah,

we'll be calling her... And it says, let me preface this by saying that I am a terrible person. She had me at woman. Oh my God, that's my mom. I was 18 in a hot tub

with my friend, ex-boyfriend, and current boyfriend. It had already been awkward hanging out with my ex and my boyfriend. Were these three different people? Yes.

My ex was still very much so in love with me and I had friend-zoned him. I was sitting on my boyfriend's lap in the hot tub, facing him, and facing away from my friends. I love it. We started to make out, and soon I noticed he was hard. Oh, yeah. I decided it would be a great idea to move my swimsuit bottoms to the side,

pull his dick out, and rub it between my pussy lips. Oh, I love this woman! My boyfriend looked over to my ex, then back at me, whispered, I want inside. And I slowly started to fuck him. That's so vampire. I didn't get in.

Fucking a four-year-old. I want inside. I want inside. I know. I want inside. I want inside. I want inside. I want inside.

I want inside. I want inside. I want inside. I dicks a hot door cat. I'm enjoying this. Yeah, that's a thing. Scratching at the door. Greg, you don't ruin this for us.

I know. You ought to quit interrupting his story. This is getting very good. I didn't bounce much, but it was apparent what we were up to. Yeah, you were fucking him. I stopped before either of us could come. When we got out of the hot tub, my ex was even more quiet than usual. Then I remembered my ex was our ride home. So my boyfriend and I had the most awkward car ride home with my

ex yeah the boyfriend and awkward ride home is his fucking balls hurt yes if this boyfriend had any courage or confidence whatsoever you take that dick out and pop it right in her mouth get it together i mean you're halfway to a rotisserie you don't know about that and she also no if you are a woman and you fuck a dude in front of another guy, the guy that is being fucked in front of is allowed to join in the party. That is a rule. That is absolutely a rule. That story was anticlimactic, and I'm mad now, because I thought it was going to be a story of two people fucking this one chick

who is supposedly a whore in front of this whole party of people, and I was going to be very excited and go home happy, and now I won't. She is a terrible woman. She's a terrible woman for not being terrible enough. You don't waste my time on a Sunday. Dude, L.A.'s changed you, man. I like L.A. Kevin.

L.A. Kevin's got all the right ideas. That would have partied people better be fucking in front of you. Absolutely. Get it done. And she also says, I am willing to bet that Jackie will call me a cunt. Oh, why are you a cunt? I think you would be more of a cunt if you

had fucked both of them at the same time. No! No, she's a cunt because she did not cunt in a good way. For Jackie, bad words are good words. Good words are bad words. Princess is the worst word she could call someone. No, no, it's disgusting. I think that that's the whole thing is she should have just fucked them both.

Right! X or not, he would have wanted to. They're in a fucking hot tub. If you were in a hot tub alone with a bunch of dudes, you have to fuck every dude in the hot tub. That is the rule. I'm going to send this chick... Give me her email after this, man.

I'm going to send this chick an angry email about the technicalities of commitment. Absolutely. She's the worst nub gobbler out there. This is pathetic. And the hot tub's a place you can't do this because it's like natural birth control. It heats up the balls. There's nothing coming out. Children, that is not true.

We have a lot of teenage listeners. It was on a biology test. Seriously, in my college. Really? What? The teacher put a very personal question like, suppose my husband and I were having sex in a hot tub, which is heated up to about 60 degrees Celsius or something

like that. Wait, so you can't get pregnant in a hot tub? You can, but it's not easy. That's awesome! That makes sense for me in high school. Reed, where did you go to college? Now I don't know if I should say it. Something like that? That's for me. Yeah, high school. Reid, where did you go to college? Bob Jones University. Ohio, Indiana.

Reid and I both went to Xavier University in Cincinnati. That's very interesting. I had no idea that you could not get pregnant in a hot tub. You can. You can. But absolutely. I got my first hand job in a hot tub. But seriously, the friction is too much.

It wasn't fun. I was like, ow, ow, ow. Yeah, but the bubbles. Well, handjob, I imagine, is different. But once you're inside, it's like, that's homeostasis shit. You know, you can come all over. Wait, inside of the hot tub? Inside of the woman.

I've had sex in a hot tub. It's almost impossible because they're surprisingly dry in there. I just can't believe they didn't cum. That's what really makes me mad. There's so many stories about this story. Nobody came in that story. The first time you have sex, you cum. You have to cum.

You cum. But this is her virginity, right? Women don't, but men have to. Or else she was probably bad at it. Well, obviously she wasn't great at it. Yeah. I mean, but so maybe it felt better to pop her cherry in a hot tub, though. Is that a possibility? I mean, I suppose it is. Maybe it was a little bit easier for't great at it. I mean, but so maybe it felt better to pop her cherry in a hot tub, though.

Is that a possibility? I mean, I suppose it is. Maybe it was easier for her to do it. Did the water go red like Jaws? Yeah, that's what I meant. That's why I'm positive. She never mentions why they had to leave the hot tub. She used a tampon before, though.

That's not an issue anymore. Oh, that breaks it? That's like the 1960s. If you use tampons before you lose your virginity, it breaks your hymen. Listen, Jackie, I went to Catholic grade school. I'd like to think I know a little bit more about the female anatomy. Oh, you know all about the girls. I agree with you, Andrew.

You know about the fucking girls. I mean, Jesus Christ. So far, Jackie, you've admitted to being a racist against the Native Americans. No, I love them. I fuck them. I don't understand. That's not racist. No, that's not racist. What's your war cry? Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy love them. I fuck them. I don't understand. That's not racist. No, that's not racist.

What's your war cry? Yummy, yummy, yummy, yummy. Yummy, yummy. Yeah, they love you too, actually. That is very, very erotic. If a woman... Okay. I'm going to force a woman to say that now.

Yummy, yummy. I'm really hot and bothered by that story. Is that weird? You got hot and bothered? Because I don't know if we're going to finish with woman to say that now. Yummy, yummy. I'm really hot and bothered by that story. Is that weird? You got hot and bothered? You're going to finish with them. Are there any more questions? Now I'm upset. I'm like, I'm enraged.

All right, what's another story, Marcus? A man caught having sex with a horse told police he was trying to make it pregnant with a horseman baby. I love it. I read that. And by the way, horseman baby is a direct quote. That's so amazing. Texan Andrew Mendoza confessed he messed with his neighbor's horse after he was stood up by his girlfriend. The 29-year-old told cops, I was at my house waiting for my girlfriend to call.

I told myself that if she didn't call me, I was going to go next door and mess with my neighbor's horse. He said, I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I was thinking it would have a horseman baby. I do love how innocent and pure his decision to have sex with his horse was. And also how he doesn't know the word centaur.

Sure, it's a horseman baby. This is such a nice story. I feel like it should have been titled, like, Dummy Cop Interrupts Man's Moment. So what you doing over there, sir? Making a man baby. All right, take your time. I believe I ruined it. Oh, what a dummy cop.

What's in the New York Post? Here's the guy right here. Yeah, he does that He still looks like he's all Sexed out by this horse situation He looks all like Personally I think the girlfriend excuse Was just that an excuse

He's been wanting to fuck that horse for a while Marcus knows horse fuckers I know horse fuckers I know their fucking frame of mind I come from a long line of cow fuckers. Oh, I'm so sorry. Big difference. A lot of hole diggers. That's what he did to entertain himself

as a kid. Yeah, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up in elementary school and I said, grave digger. We've heard that story like thousands and thousands. He needs to know. I can't wait to find out what tasks they give you in prison. Your family name was Gelnaps, right?

Nah, I get to dig all the graves in Potter's Field. Oh, okay. You better start murdering now. Can't wait. Nice to be here, boys. They use front-end loaders now. The whole business has changed. I'll tell you what, I was gonna make John do it, John Moreno,

but I will throw in my will that I want you to dig my grave. See, I want to do it. John doesn't want to do it. I'm going to torture John with it, but maybe I'll give it to you because you'd actually do it. John would take weeks to do it. Marcus would get it done in like a half hour. He's got those little arms. This makes sense, too, because Marcus will already be responsible for the death.

It's just two birds, one stone. And also, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I mean, a good quality grave takes about four to five hours to dig. I'm sorry. Let's not be offensive here. It's big. I would assume so, especially if it was for me. I'd be like your favorite dead body.

You want me to dig your grave too? Sure. Cool. That's right. And once again, I will say we need to get this going on. We've got to make our living wells for the show. We'll get back to our listeners with that. Yeah, that sounds good.

So what's going to happen to Horsefucker? I mean, obviously he wasn't able to make the horseman baby, which is already sad. Did they arrest him? Well, he pleaded guilty to public lewdness and criminal trespass and was sentenced to four months in jail. Worth it. I say worth it. Worth it. Can you make a horseman baby?

No. Absolutely not. No, right? There are pre- and post-psychotic barriers to this. I don't know what that means. Yeah, what does that mean, Reed? I don't think that it's the anatomy and the kind of sperm that you have could penetrate the horse egg. I just don't think that it's matched the same way.

I doubt the number of chromosomes even match. So if you did put them together, it'd be like some kind of liger or something. It'd be sterile. See, no, this would be an interesting... Who wants a sterile

manhorn baby? This would be an interesting superhero idea. The guy gets injections to make his sperm strong enough to get into the egg of other animals.

Right. And he just goes around fucking animals and making them give birth to like superhuman animal people. I like it. The closest thing I guess we've had to a horse birth is Matthew Broderick and Jessica Parker.

She birthed it. She birthed it. Welcome back to the Morning Show, everybody. Drive time, ride. It's 65 degrees and sunny. Ladies and gentlemen, we got Ben Kissel in the studio making the jokes all morning. And we're going to tell that super hot chick who has all that money is ugly. making the jokes all morning.

You ever notice how that super hot chick who has all that money is ugly? To his poor guys. Yeah, baby. Are you flushing me? I'm getting the flush. No. I'm the host of the fucking show. Coming up next, this is Nickelback Photograph.

So if you get arrested for fucking a horse, what do you say to the people who ask you what you're in for when you go to jail? I mean, do you admit to that? Is that a badass crime? Do you get treated with respect if you're a horse fucker? I mean, I think you just go for the trespassing charge and say you were trying to break in. Okay.

So robbery in this situation is a step up for you. That would be to say, like, I tried to fuck their daughter. You know? Yeah. I don't think. Can you break an entry? I don't think. Can you break it into... I don't think. Oh, no, we can combine the two.

If he has public lewdness, then he can say that he trespassed on their land and was masturbating to the daughter outside of the window. That's okay. But it's also borderline pedophilia if the daughter... I think it is by definition pedophilia. I think it is. So you're like, no, no, no, she was in college. She just lives at home to save money.

Oh, okay. That's okay. Because he knows an amazing amount of information about his neighbors. Isn't there some kind of bestiality law? Is it like, yeah, the horse's vagina is public property. She didn't even know this horse was dressed. She puts that lipstick on. Ooh, buddy. In Texas, bestiality is not illegal.

Really? But this is my question. That explains a lot. Yeah. I mean, everyone would be in prison if it was. He got four months in prison, right? Yeah. But what's Texas prison like?

I feel like it's different from other prisons. Texas prison is pretty rough. Yeah, right? Yeah, yeah. A lot of horse fuckers. Oh, yeah. A lot of horse fuckers. It's meth heads.

That would be the scariest rapist in the prison. You think I won't fuck you? Nigga, I'll fuck horses. This guy is really serious this time. I think everybody gets branded with what kind of

animal fucker they are in prison. So that you know he's like, he's got the H. He can take horses, he can take you, dude. Look at you,

you're just a little chicken fucker over there. You got no chance against Big H. Big H. You wouldn just a little chicken fucker over there. You got no chance against Big H. Big H. You wouldn't even need to work out in a prison. I don't work out, man.

I fucked a horse. I fucked a human. I fucked a muscle. Horses are unbelievably strong. The courage of this man. He's a wonderful human being. Yeah, horses are huge. Absolutely.

And strong and skittish as well. They're scared. And dumb. They're dumb creatures. He must have trained this horse to do it oh he groomed the horse it's not as hard as it sounds i would love to see your face just right in the asshole of a horse five foot tall andrew just whispering to a horse. Just going right in there. Richard Gere, and I just turn around. I think that out of all the animals, I mean, you know, Marcus, your family fucked cows.

You don't got to be sweet to cows. They're a brutal bunch. But you got to say sweet nothings to a horse for that to open up. You got to be sensitive. Absolutely. Yeah, you got to have just a little tiny bit of love in your head. Alex, how would you fuck a horse? What would you tell it?

Well, I'd take it out for a nice moonlit stroll. That's a nice start. I feel like I want to get horses comfortable with me before I engage in any kind of sexual act with them. You're smart. I feel like you have to woo it. I mean, it's dumb. You know, like a lady.

All right, I'm done with this. I thought that was the best thing you said so far I really like that a lot Yeah, yeah Because you know ladies are dumb My question is Do you suck on its hooves? I mean, who knows?

You got to Only if it really asked me Like that's a deal breaker Like you gotta go down I would suck on its belly you gotta like it's like I'm not I'm not gonna let you in

unless you suck on some hooves there bud oh and the tail too they love to be stroked that just probably it reminds me of the the night that Matthew Broderick

and Sarah Jessica Parker got married she's so hoarse she looks like a horse woman it's ladies ladies are drinking for free guys you have to take a look at Marty's hair violently assault them She's a horse. She looks like a horse woman. It's ladies night here. Ladies are drinking for free, guys. You have to take a look at Marty's hair.

So we can violently assault them. Come on in. How much does your virginity cost in gin? That's what ladies nights are. Ladies, if you're a lady out there, never go to a ladies night. It's offensive and rude. Well, I've got a ladies. It's great.

You get free drinks. Yeah, so guys can paw all over you. Like you're a horse. You don't have to take the paw you get the free drinks. Okay. I like how now you're a champion for women

and you're talking about a baby getting fucked. I'm always a champion for women. Well I got a story about the ladies for you. Okay. A woman is being sued

by her husband for allegedly trying to kill him by putting poison in her vagina and then asking him to perform oral sex. Oh, sweet death. Whoa.

But can't she get affected by the poison in her vagina? Not a bright woman. The Brazilian wife is accused... I mean, she's putting the poison in a much more dangerous hole than a mouth. I know, it's way worse. The Brazilian wife is accused of planting a toxic substance in her genitals before luring her husband to bed. Reports in the South American country suggest he was ready and willing and only escaped death because he noticed a strange smell. What kind of poison was it? Like rat poison?

Doesn't say. Poison in general. Did he just come up and be like, baby, your puss smells like some poison. Well, here's what he did. Baby, your pussy smells like some poison. Well, here's what he did. The curious husband then took his wife to a hospital in Sao Jose de Rito Preto to find out the cause of the unusual odor. How bad does a pussy have to smell for you to go to the hospital?

Well, you know, when you're with a woman for a while, you tend to know her scent. Yeah, but all she had to do was claim yeasty. Yeasty? Yeah. But even so, like, you know, like, I know you're yeasty she had to do was claim yeasty. Yeasty? Yeah. Even if you're... But even so, like, you know, I know you're yeasty.

Yeah. That's not yeasty. What do you tell the doctor? Doctor, my wife's pussy. I mean, smell it. It's Brazil. There's something wrong with it. Get down there.

Someone buried a dead dog in there or something. Put a tombstone right there on it. It is death. That is awful. Well, maybe she is one of those vagina assholes that we were talking about earlier.

Could be. You could also claim vagina asshole. That's a possibility. I do love this trap. I kind of wish it would have worked. Although, how bad was the fella if he was ambitiously about to eat her pussy? That doesn't make a guy a good guy. It doesn't make him a mean man, though, does it, Jackie?

Wait, but Marcus, I got to note, she was affected by the poison, right? No. What? She was fine? How does that not affect you? She probably put it on her lips and not inside. Well, the thing is, you gotta realize Brazilian women are magic, and that's what we need to understand.

That's true as well. And here's the thing, is that she wasn't charged with any crime. She's being sued by the husband. Wow. So he's suing her. For sneaky pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Suing her for attempted bodily harm.

One count of sneaky pussy. Sneaky pussy. Isn't that the name of the new Bond? Yeah, sneaky pussy. It's God-bombed. Is there pictures of this chick? Nah, nah. No pictures.

I mean, it's Brazil. Not too much happens there. Well, I mean, there's... Besides lots of murder. Yeah. A lot of murder Yeah A lot of murder Brazil is great What are you talking about?

But wait Brazil Oh Brazil It's a great place to go Bring the kids Whatever Just don't eat the pussy You'll die

Don't eat the pussy Whatever you do Stay away from the pussy Brazilian women are supposed to be gorgeous Dude they're the best I have never once heard anybody Say Brazilian women Are not the hottest women

On the face of the planet It's insane Here's what she did. She painted a poisonous substance onto her vagina. So yeah, she did do the lips.

So she painted it. Why would you put it inside? It's fucking poisonous. It's smarter than that. Jackie knows what's

going on with that. But you put it on the lip. But if you put it around the rim of your asshole, that would fuck the person up.

That would kill me anyway. I'm not happy about that whatsoever. KB is living until he's 95. How'd Ben go? Eating what he loved. I mean, if she did kill this guy with poison,

they would have still charged her with murder though, right? Because it doesn't matter what you feed the poison with. Yeah, if she would have done it, but for some reason they didn't charge her with attempted murder. That's great. I guess it's just too goofy, huh? I guess so. You chalk this up to goofball antics?

I think it's too smart. It's so dumb, though. She did a good job. That was a really good job. She just impressed the Brazilian authorities. Yeah, they took away the sentence for just ingenuity. Yeah, yeah. They really impressed us.

You know what, lady? You'll get a pass. Good. Jackie, if you had'll get a pass. Good. Jackie, if you had to poison a fella, how would you do it? I mean, obviously you're not dumb enough to pin it on your pussy. I mean, I guess not. I'd probably put it all over my belly button where I like him to fuck me. If you put it really deep inside the bad part of your belly button,

and the second he shoves that sweet hole of a dick inside of him and then it's like, goes right up inside of their urethra. Dead. I want him dead. Just like if he had fucked that pussy, would he have died? If he had fought that pussy. I think he would have driven the poison in her.

I think she would have died. That could have made a horse man baby. He was playing the most dangerous game. Not if he had eaten her out first, though. If he had licked upon the lips, hopefully his head would just die right in her crotch. I mean, if this woman is not attractive, and let's assume that she's not,

awful night for that guy. Henry, come in here, eat my pussy. I mean, that's terrifying. And the fact that he did it. Why did you say Henry? I was just going to ask you. Why did you say Henry? I was just going to ask. Why did you say Henry? Why did you say Henry?

I was just trying to think of an unattractive couple. Henry. What? No. No, that's why. That's why. The opinions have been kistled. Do not reflect the opinions of the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Oh, whatever. I highly doubt Henry would ever die eating pussy. Am I right? Oh, Jesus Christ. I don't even want to think about it. I shouldn't think about it. You're definitely thinking about it. I can see it in your eyes.

Oh, no. Marcus, what are you looking up over there? I'm trying to see how to say eat my pussy in Portuguese. I like how this woman was totally okay with having a guy die while eating her pussy. Come me yeah. You know. I like how this woman was totally okay with having a guy die while eating her pussy. Comer minha bucheta.

Oh, it's not kind of hot, actually. It's hot. Everything about Brazil is hot. I would eat that. Definitely. KB, you know there's

fucking sweet poison on that pussy. Do you take a chance? Do I take a chance on you? Yeah, you want to eat that a little bit? You're not going to eat it a little bit at all, man.

I got fucking, you know. As starved as you are right now for pussy, you're not going to eat a fucking poison pussy? Come on man. As starved as you are right now for pussy, you're not going to eat a fucking piece of pussy? Come on, don't lie to me. This is Brazil we're talking about. That's what I'm talking about. It's just really his fault for not wearing a tongue condom.

You can't take risks. Wait, that exists, doesn't it? I think that might exist. Usually the saran wrap. I mean, all it is, though, it sounds like a plot to a fucking great horror movie. Ghost pussy. Once you eat it, you die.

I love it, man. Yeah, I mean, she would have had this fella die right between her legs. I mean, that's kind of gross. I would definitely not want a dead woman between my legs. I don't think he would.

I think he would start convulsing. He'd maybe throw up on her pussy. Right. So that's when she caught it. Oh, is that what it is? And also, why didn't she just poison his food? I mean, that seems like so much issue. She wanted to get something out of it before...

This woman is mean. A mean-spirited broad. I don't like her one bit. This is a nice man, obviously. All right, any other stories? Yeah, this is a Valentine's Day story. All right. Any other stories? Yeah. This is a Valentine's Day story for all you lovers out there. I'm in love today.

A Montgomery County man accused of stalking his estranged wife was wearing body armor and carrying weapons Monday when police pulled him over as he was following her to work. Flint Andrew Staten had a loaded.40 caliber handgun, a stun baton, a machete, a variety of knives, a baseball bat, brass knuckles, and other weapons in his vehicle at the time of his arrest. Officers also found 39 pieces of paper depicting various forms of violence and killing, a Valentine's Day card bearing the message, A promise for my wife. Handcuffs, a black stiletto-heeled shoe, duct tape, several boxes of gloves, and a ski mask in his 1997 Toyota Avalon.

All right, so how many... And I bet the pigs are going to find a way to make it look like he was going to kill her. They're planting a lot of evidence in this case. The car also yielded pepper spray, a stick handle with a screw protruding from it, ammunition for the gun, arrow heads, a Kevlar helmet, cable restraints, a couple of wigs, a notebook

that belonged to his wife. A couple of wigs! That's the exact order that he put all those things into the car, and he's like, how the fuck am I going to get away with this? A couple of wigs! That's the key to this! I will be a woman! You'll never expect it!

How many wigs do you have? There's no time to count! A couple got ahead of it. I love it. I feel like the, uh... Officials found computer equipment, camera equipment, a cell phone, binoculars, a walkie-talkie, and other materials. Jesus Christ! He's making every

other wife killer look like a complete amateur. I mean, this guy is ready for anything. At least he thought it all out. He told me that the car was shaped like a banana or something. That'd be amazing. Marcus, can you look up how big a Toyota Avalon is? That's what I'm doing right now. That's a lot of

shit to put into... I think these are a size car, man. Me and my brother used to share one. Well, if you get one of the guns to sit on the other gun's lap so you can fit it in. Okay. Really, just one of those weapons would do. It's a sedan.

It's a sedan? Okay. All right. That sounds fine. It's just chock full. So do you get in extra trouble when you have a small military amount of ammunition and overall firepower

when you're about to go kill your wife? Yeah, yeah. You get three counts of being fucking bonkers. But I must say, you were amazing at packing, sir. You should have gotten into the moving business. Well, police charged him with firearms not to be carried without a license, possessing instruments of crime, and persons not to possess firearms, as well as stalking, prohibited offensive weapons, and harassment.

And one stick with a screw through it. Oh, yeah. One count of overachieving. Seriously, what happened to the good old-fashioned choking your wife to death, man? He's killing his wife. It's not like Ryu from Street Fighter, man. Also, he probably really loves her. Like, that's a Valentine's Day.

It is. He went to all of those lengths. Usually men don't think about their woman on Valentine's Day. It is. He went to all of those lengths. Usually men don't think about their woman on Valentine's Day. Get a gift certificate. Go fuck yourself. Now that is love. And if you're at the Walgreens and you're trying to pick out a nice Valentine's Day card for your wife, I mean that's a tough one to find.

Here's the thing about the Valentine's Day card. Here's the message in the Valentine's Day card. A promise for my wife. Yeah. What is that promise? Well, that means he told her he was going to kill her about a thousand times Which is probably why she's his ex

And also to write that in the third person Because isn't he planning on giving her that Valentine's Day card That says a promise for my wife Like, that doesn't make sense In case she doesn't get the message I'm going to kill you You get the message This is also the thing I want to talk about Man, I want a stun baton In case she doesn't get the message. I'm going to kill you. You get the message.

This is also the thing I want to talk about. Man, I want a stun baton. Me too. How fun would that be? God, they're so cool looking. Have you fucked with one before? No, and everyone has fucked with one. It's you. Oh, no, I haven't.

I mean, I fuck with cattle prods a lot, which is kind of the same. That's similar, right? It's kind of the same thing, but you can't really beat someone with the cattle prod. It's got the long rubber... That's the problem with it. I know. I've said it once. I've said it a million times. Second world problems.

That's all that Texas has. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You haven't lived until you've accidentally shocked a cow's vagina with a cattle prod. You have, actually. And you've lived a good life and a better life than you. Accidentally in quotations.

And that cow loved every minute of it. So we have two different extremes here. We have one woman rubbing poison on her pussy and one man about to kill his wife with a whole arsenal. Which way do you want to go? I like the woman's thing better. I think that's way classier than this.

It's subtle. You're going to go with licking pussy. It's more It's more elegant The guy was clearly like a fucking big nerd He was just sitting around collecting more weapons Instead of doing shit He didn't do shit That's probably why she left him It was like oh one of these days we'll go to the movies You're never going to get that screw through that piece of wood

I like how it's not even nailed But it's screw It's hard to pull out of someone. You'd have to hit him and be like, stay there, and then twist. I mean, how strong was this woman? Hold on, hold on. He grabs a gun. He's like, that is not nearly enough to kill this human being.

Yeah, a stick handle with a screw protruding from it is my favorite item. Oh, without a doubt. And I hope for her sake he doesn't choose that one to kill her with. I mean, that's also the most painful. What kind of fun wigs was he planning on wearing? That would be similar to the one he would dress like Meatloaf. Can you just imagine him packing it all together and be like, do I go with the red one or the black one?

Okay, I have to go with both. We've got to go. I'm going to go Pharah on this one. I want to be a Pharah Fawcett-McCorn. She always said I could never make decisions. Oh, goddammit. Arrow heads? What do you do with an arrow head?

Unless you have an arrow with a bow to use them with. I'm just going to throw these at her to distract her really quick. Then I'm going to take the fucking sweet screw knife. She's like, I'm going to throw it on the sidewalk. And she's going to be like, what's that? Oh, my god. She bends down and picks it up. And she's like, look at that.

Why is there an arrow head there? And then I'm going to stab her in the back of the neck with a fucking stick with a screwdriver on it. Perfect. Oh my god, is that a narrowhead? Is that a stun baton? I mean, this woman was going to be dead so many different ways. It just makes me sad. It makes me sad that that's not like an episode of Cops,

that we couldn't see the cops pulling one item after the other. Because I remember I saw one episode of Cops where they pulled a guy over and proceeded to pull an entire meth lab out of this dude's trunk and it was the best episode I ever saw I knew a guy named King who got busted for having a mobile meth lab

he went to jail for about 20 years for that how did you know the guy? he used to make meth with him a lot of meth we made together he was a dude I used to know on the metal scene back when I was in a metal band Oh right right

He was a cable guy That uh He came over to my house one day To fix our cable I was in my bedroom playing fucking sweet ass Metallica riffs Come on you were masturbating I love metal Metallica riffs I think that's called masturbating

It really is. And he completely, just without invitation, he just comes like, Dude, you play some pretty sweet fucking licks, man! I'm like, thank you. He's like, my name's King! I'm a singer! And at the time, we were looking for a singer for our band,

so we're like, yeah, fuck it. Why not? What was the name of your band, by the way? Oh, God. It was the worst name in the world. I did not name the band. Okay, what's your name? What's the name of the band that you obviously created? Unspoken Silence.

You gave me a fucker! That's the most misphysical band name I've ever heard! One of the first three words that come to your mind after you unspoken silence, which, no shit, it's unspoken! I can't even say it in three words. All I say name I've ever heard. Kevin, what are the first three words that come to your mind after you've unspoken silence? Which, no shit, it's unspoken. I can't even say it in three words. All I say is I need to leave.

I've been in LA for three weeks and I've changed. I can't be around you. I was fucking 17, all right? That was the worst bad name I've ever seen. Did it get you laid at all? Of course not. He was a cable guy who did meth all the time. Good, good, good.

What were you going to say? I forget. It doesn't matter. Did Unspoken Silence ever have a show? Yeah, we had a few shows. Oh, that's good. What was the name of a couple of the songs? Loud, loud, loud.

A lot of that. Like feeling groovy On Tuesday Is that what it was La la la Hey guys We gotta do that one song About the meth in my car I gotta sell this

Fucking meth guys Did you forget about it Come on man Cause I didn't forget About meth Go to the meth You guys are just in here For the music

But I'm in here For business as well So think about that Yeah and he always Showed up to practice Wearing his cable guy uniform in his Cable Guy van. Nice. Yeah, we only practiced with him like twice.

Gotcha. Yeah, and then we eventually heard that, yeah, he got bussed with that meth lab. He went away for a long time. He would have been fine if he didn't have a couple of wigs with him. No, I was going to say, this guy sounds like he would have been pretty awesome if he didn't play in a band called Unspoken Silence. That is literally the lamest thing that he has ever done with his life. So sad. No, it was pretty bad.

It was pretty bad. It was a dark time in my life. Well, I'm sure there's a band in prison rocking out to some white supremacist music right now named Unspoken Silence. Oh, yeah, yeah. He definitely had to hook up with the White Brothers, I'll tell you that much. That's good. He was not going to survive otherwise. Good for him.

Ladies and gentlemen, coming up next, Unspoken Silence with Are You Listening, Dad? Oh, that's all we wanted was to be announced by a guy who sounded like that. Number 94.5 FMX, Lubbock's only hard rock station. Remember 94.5 FMX Lubbock's only hard rock station It plays a nay And they say we've got Sarah Jessica Parker in the studio Don't flush me

Don't flush me You're beating a dead Sarah Jessica Parker USA USA USA It was a long day. USA! USA! USA! Yes! That was so good.

That was something we had this whole plan. Oh my God. How did we? We had to hold it in. We know you didn't. That was fucking amazing. Well, you're very welcome. Thank you.

All right, Marcus. Any other stories? Yeah, we got one last story for you. Holden, you might like welcome. Thank you. All right, Marcus. Any other stories? Yeah, we got one last story for you. Holden, you might like this one. Okay. You know your mother loves you when she's willing to smuggle oxycodone to the jail where you're incarcerated, especially when she passes you the pills via an open-mouth kiss. Wow.

I was going to say, did she hide it in her pussy? She didn't hide it in her pussy, though. No, no, no. She hid it in her mouth. This could be another one called Cops Interrupt Man's Moment. I was kissing my mom. That is what investigators allege transpired last Tuesday between Kimberly Margeson, 54, when she visited her offspring in an upstate New York lockup.

Margeson's son, William Partridge, 30, was being held following a weapons arrest. According to a Yates County Sheriff's Department report, Margeson put the oxycodone pills into her mouth and brought them into the jail when she visited her son. She then passed the two pills from her mouth to her son's mouth when she kissed him. Deputies did not indicate whether tongue was involved in the transfer of the two pills.

Margeson was arrested and charged with a felony drug count. She and Partridge were also each hit with a misdemeanor count of promoting prison contraband. Margeson appeared in town court yesterday and pleaded not guilty to the two charges. She was released from custody after posting $2,000 bail. Her son remains jailed

and will be arraigned Monday on the contraband count. Here is a picture of the mother-daughter duo. Mother-son. That is a picture of the mother-daughter duo. Or mother-son. Mother-son. So similar. Wait, that's a picture of a dad and his son. Yeah, I know, right?

God, that woman looks like a man. She looks like she should be standing next to a farmer with a pitchfork and a paintbrush. It's kind of upsetting because all the times I've made out with my mom, I've gotten nothing out of it. Yeah, I know. That's true. That used to be the only way I could take pills.

Past orally via mother. I think it's too bad. Why can't you have Oxycontin in prison? You know what I'm saying? It's a pharmaceutical drug. You just need to relax. It's all Obama crap. I agree, man. I'll tell you what. If that's how you take your pills, you're trying to break apart the family

structure. Zach. I can't interrupt this moment. So we all need to buy a lot of guns and a couple of wigs. That's right. That'll be just about perfect. Get some screws and some sticks. You know, I'm glad we have this cast, because I never realized that all of our problems could be solved by just a couple of wigs.

In literally any situation I'm having. I do wish we lived in a world where that would have worked. Well, he fits the description perfectly. Same size, same height. But he's got a wig. He's got blonde hair. So there is no way that is that dude who killed his wife. Jesus, Jackie, button up your shirt.

Jackie, just went to go to the bathroom and came back, and she was completely shirtless, topless. I can't wear the shirt to work because the buttons open, and then sometimes the buttons just open. I don't know what to do. What do you mean? How did they open? Women understand this.

Do you see that? It opened again. You don't even have to touch it. Why is that going on? It happens to women sometimes. It's not a tight shirt. It's a very big shirt. And I've got a very nice bra on underneath

It was a nice bra Why did you wear such a fancy bra? Because you knew it was going to open up It's not fancy It's just red Yeah Valentine's Day, boy I don't think so

No way I am not in agreeance I don't really participate in Valentine's Day necessarily Because you don't got no one to love. Exactly. But this time, this week is going to be horrible for me. My Valentine's Day, I'm going to be in eerie Pennsylvania

in between shows by myself at a hotel. Go to a bar and see if you can find some lonely... Take me with you, KB. I'll be your date, bro. Seven hours away. We'll have a date, bro. Seven hours away. Yeah, we'll have a great time on the ride over there.

I'll talk to you. You think you have nothing in your life. Ben will go with you to Pennsylvania. Maybe, dude. I'll go right there with you. I'll be your wingman. We'll go and we'll hop into a sauna or a hot tub.

We will rotisserie some women. If you want, I mean, I... Wait, Barnett, would you rotisserie a woman with Kissel? No, not at all. Yes, you would. Yes, you would. Yes, you would. Too much loose skin, man.

Oh, my God. You don't even know her yet. That's ridiculous. And with that, we have a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, yeah. The movie of your life. This is the movie of your life. So we're all going to go around.

Everyone's come up with a movie for their life. You know, they're going to. So we're all going to go around. Everyone's come up with a movie for their life. They're going to describe it, the title, all that stuff. Marcus is going to judge based on revenue gained, how it was received by the critics, and how it did over time. So you'll see this as we go. I will start with the movie of my life.

It's called Broken Glasses, Big Fat Asses. And it's an art film rated NC-17. We get into a little bit of a horror territory later, so a bit of an Antichrist situation. So it's going to be black and white footage of a young child breaking his glasses and sort of fumbling with the glasses.

It's very sort of bizarre. You're like, what's going on with that? Intercut with just straight up ass fucking it's gonna run like i would say a little under four hours and it's all gonna be like a child breaking his glasses over and over again and then ass fucking and then at the end of the movie the child grows up to be a man it that's all black and white but it turns into color so and all the ass-fucking's in color. The young child turns into color. The young child grows up

a little bit. He sees the ass-fucking that we've all been watching as an audience for a while. And then he decides to tattoo his mother's face to the tip of his penis. And then he gets jealous of his penis and cuts his dick off. And that's when the credits roll. It has no commercial appeal whatsoever.

Right, it's hard film. It will never make it to theaters. Yeah, it'll be straight to on-demand. No, no, but what's going to happen is that after society collapses and everything goes to shit, your movie, the film canisters, will be found in the ashes and it will be the foundation of a new society. Right, the representative. Yeah, which a complete and total hell on earth.

The mother love. So I like that. Hell yeah. So your movie ends in hell on earth. It'd be a world of Oedipuses. Yeah, I would love that. And also, it would also be the inspiration for the extinction of the human race.

Fantastic. I'd be like the asteroid. Mm-hmm. Awesome. Yeah, I like that. Kevin? Yeah, so my movie is going to be called Swag to the Moon New Jackets.

I like that one. It's gonna be based off of my Let me ask you, is that Swag to the Moon? New jackets? All right. It's going to be based off of my two-song EP. The album is called Swag, and the two songs are Swag and Swag Life. It's about me and my boys, you know, just at the club, you know, living life. And, you know, kind of like my life story, just being at the clubs since I was about six, swag, seven. And we're chilling out there

getting all the Puerto Rican chicks and it's directed by Peter Jackson. Oh, wow. That was a big appeal. By the title alone, you're going to have a very good opening weekend. Oh, yeah. People are going to be like, I want to go see Swag to the Moon New Jackets.

And also Peter Jackson attached to it. You're going to get the nerds in there. So it's going to go like, I want to go see Swag to the Moon, New Jackets. And also Peter Jackson attached to it. You're going to get the nerds in there. So it's going to do very good initially. How long is this movie? What's the runtime? Three and a half hours, dude. Okay. Okay.

That hurts you a little bit. Does it though? Does it? That's a question. I know. Everybody wants to see longer movies out. Have you seen Peter Jackson's previous films? Bad taste?

Have you yet seen any of Peter Jackson's films that were called Swag to the Moon, New Jackson? However, have you seen King Kong? I've seen King Kong. Two and a half, three hours, not the best movie. Pretty bad. You know what? I'll say this right now. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Swag. All right. I think it's going to have a good opening weekend and then it's going to drop off and then I think it'll be forgotten honestly. Forgotten? Yeah. The name will be remembered, the movie will be forgotten. You, my friend, are crazy.

Alright, Kessel, what do we got? What's your movie? It's a very tricky one for me. You did not think about it before the show. No, I did not think about it during the show, before the show, or right now. But I would say loose fat, maybe? Loose fat is fun.

Loose chub. One man's struggle to find the giggle in his jiggle. It's very, very cool. It's what got a foot loose vibe. I am the baby and I am Patrick Swayze and nobody puts me in the corner because I'm too fat to fit. And I basically just go through my life and I try to convince people that I'm attractive with my beautiful body.

Even though you won't rotisserie a girl with me, Kevin. Which is very upsetting. And at the end of the feature film, my new body type, because we have an obese America and folks are slimming down. My new body type becomes very attractive. I'm the Heidi Klum of the town and everybody wants to fuck me and I fuck everybody. It's a great movie and it's rated PG and

kids are going to love it. It's directed by me. Here's what I'm going to say ahead of its time. It is good. Your box office is though yeah your box office is going to be very low however people have to lose weight first see that's the thing is that as people gain more and more weight throughout time it's going to have a cult following so you're

going to have really good dvd sales yeah netflix too netflix yeah well can i tell you i'll sell you on a scene i'm with a lady she's very attractive she's tight taut skin right but she's mean she's. She's rude. She's Spanish, and she's full of attraction, and she says, oh, I love you because you don't look like Kevin Barnett. Oh, I love it so much. And I accidentally kill her with my tummy, with my tummy

skin, and then I have to go on a large trial, and I say, it's not my fault. My skin did it. The skin did it. And then they say, oh, that's bullshit. That's ridiculous. And I lift up my shirt, and I unstretch my skin, and they stand up then they say, oh, that's bullshit. That's ridiculous. And I lifted my shirt and I unstretched my skin and they stand up, they cry, and they applaud me. And they say, you know what, sir? You're not a murderer. You're a hero. Wow.

You know what? So far, Ben's in first place. I'm trying to giggle with your giggle. That movie is unrealistic. What are you talking about? Because you have a scene where a chick says Kevin Barnett is unattractive um all right alex you got something right yeah uh i think my movie would be called ben poopin

coming out simultaneously with my autobiography and it would be sort of like if louis meets nektek in new york but without the redeeming quality of Louis having kids. It would just be a lot of chronicles of how sad and gross my life is. There's a specific scene I have because I actually did accidentally once flick a cigarette butt into a baby's face. That would be captured perfectly. It would be, well, I mean, I flicked it at a wall assuming, oh, nothing's gonna happen. Ricocheted into a baby carriage. Baby starts crying. I run away. What was the reaction

of the mother or father pushing the baby? Horror! Yeah, they were upset with me. And that's why I ran because I didn't want to take responsibility for a horrible thing that I did. So it's a horror movie. By running it makes it look like you did it on purpose. Yeah, totally. You just got Alexed. First of all, our baby has a vagina And a butt all in one hole

And you guys are flicking cigarettes into her I would cast Philip Seymour Hoffman as myself But I would Demand that he put on at least 50 pounds There you go Because he's already fat I just want to see him fatter Marcus how are we doing First of all your your marketing sucks.

Because you're releasing the autobiography and the movie all at the same time. You have to get the autobiography first, build up interest, then release the movie. Second of all, I think that's the only good story you have. That's a possibility. Well, okay, that is not true.

May I give you another option? All right. Now, the name of the movie that I will give to you, I will sell it to you. It's called Off to the Races. How I Rode Sarah Jessica Parker to the Finish Line. All right. We're done with it. We're done with that.

Holden killed it. Holden killed it. Holden killed it. Holden killed it. Holden killed it. You ready for my movie? Yeah, yeah. All right. I want my movie to be called killed it. You ready for my movie? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. I want my movie to be called These Lips Were Made for Pussin'. So that when people look at it, they're like, is it pussin' or is it possin'? I'm not really sure. Oh, okay. Good. I think that I should be played by Taylor Swift. Okay. Why do you think that?

Because I look just like her. Oh, okay. And I will play her mentor of myself oh that's oh so it's a bit of an art film it's oh it's a bit but it's also drama because i want it to be directed by robert redford because i want to fuck robert redford still behind the scenes yeah yeah and then like he'll use that To put my flame into the movie As we watch Taylor Swift Get railed on

By the creatures of the world And do a bunch of fucking drugs For about an hour and ten minutes Running time hour and ten minutes What's this rated? NC-17 NC-17 is box office poison Okay R-rated.

R. R. R. R. R. R. R. Cut the gangbang scene.

Ah. He makes the movie. It's Taylor Swift. That's what made me leave. Okay, okay, fine. Okay. Don't cut the gangbang scene. Cut the full penetration.

That's fine. Cut her singing. I'll cut the full penetration and the singing. Thank God. She will not sing. I just want to watch those lips get penetrated by a bunch of weird things. You know what I mean? I love this movie.

Up top and downstairs. And I really think that I'm going to be like her Faith Hill to the Leanne Rimes. And I'm going to show her the ways of something I never had. But more of like a guardian angel than anything. But you set her up for all these random gang fights. I'm showing her how to destroy her life. A spirit guide.

You're perfect. I will say that this is the most interesting idea that we've come across so far. I respect your process. Thank you. I like how much thought... It's not quite as uplifting as my story, though. I will say, though, the premise and the title don't necessarily... The lips are made for pussing.

Do you get it? I was waiting for you. It's country-western stuff. It's country. It's a little country. The lips are made for pussing. It's a little southern. Ooh, a country story.

I'm saying that. Yeah. Okay. Do you think they'll get that? Okay. It's going to be huge. I think that it will not be appreciated in its own time, but will eventually,

much like Ben's, become a cult classic, but only among very small groups of snooty college kids. I feel like everybody wants to see Taylor Swift get railed, though. Yeah, that's the thing. I would definitely watch certain portions of the film in order to see her get railed on.

That is true. You guys do make a good point. I mean, I'm sorry that I'm not backing my own movie here, but Jackie does put a good thought in my head. Yeah, yeah. Ben is dick hard over this movie. And Taylor Swift does look oddly a lot like her. Kevin, you got one chance. this movie. Taylor Swift does look oddly a lot like her.

Kevin, you got one chance to fuck Taylor Swift, but it's gotta be with me. Are you taking that ride, brother? Come on! It's not worth it, man. What do you mean it's not worth it? Dude, I'm looking at you in your eyes. Well, I'm in her mouth. You can have her butt.

Come on, dude. Listen, man, I've decided today that from this day forward i only hook up with chicks that i would date unless they are of course puerto rican and right i could not smash out a white chick with you and look her in the face after that you don't have to look at her in the face what are you talking about? That belonged in Lincoln. That belonged in the film Lincoln. This is terrible. Can you give me an alternate title that doesn't have the word pussy in it?

I mean, it's pussin'. It's not the word pussy. No, it's a... You know. All right, how about... Ah, fuck. It's tough. It's tough. She can't do it. No, I can. All right. How about... Ah, fuck. It's tough. It's tough.

She can't do it. No, I can. I can. It's called riding a long, dark horse into a hot, tight night. Okay. All right. What do you think, Marcus? God, I love that.

That was for you. I feel like Meatloaf just started writing a song. I know. Well, that's the thing. You've got to pitch to the person that's gonna give you the money So Jackie Are you giving me the money Marcus? I'm giving you the money

You forgot Peter Jackson is directing my movie And they're going to the moon I got Robert Redford over here Jack Black Let's talk about this. I'm not saying Jackie won. I'm just saying her movie is getting funded. And I'm not even saying that her movie is better than Ben's.

Not yet. I mean, it's better than both of yours. And yours too, Al. That's unbelievable. What the fuck is this? Yeah, it's between Ben and Jackie. You just looked at the jacket I'm wearing. It's a nice jacket.

I mean, it's just black. Oh, well. How'd you say that, Marcus? Black, like it's a bad color. Kevin, I'm with you. Talk about things that you believe. It's just kind of boring. Andrew?

Andrew, let's hear Andrew's. I mean, it's just a jacket, you know? It's a nice jacket. I mean, it's a nice jacket and everything, but I, but I don't like it better if it was white. I wouldn't like it. White on a man? Jesus. Andrew, what's your movie, buddy? My movie is called Seabiscuit 2

colon After Sex in the City. Okay, guys. Yes! That was good. That was an easy one. It is an easy one. Now I know why you like doing this. It is an easy one. God, I'm so happy. Now I know why you like doing this.

It's fun. Okay, so my real movie is something I've actually been working on, so thanks for asking. And it's kind of based around my one-man show called Are You There, Dad? It's Me, Andrew. And the entire movie is about how my dad has found this way to take amber that's on trees and extract DNA from it.

And creates this park where dinosaurs can live again. But at the same time hates me because he thinks I'm gay. That's interesting. Marcus, what are we saying here? You know what? How long is the run time? We're looking. This is kind of a.

It's going to be like episode one, two and three. One episode is just going to be all my one, two, and three. Oh, true. Oh, wow. Like one episode is just going to be all my Little League games that he didn't come to. Right, right, right. And then another one will be me in high school where he's like, no, son of mine, when I'm in theater. Yeah, yeah. And then he dies. Right, right.

And then you get married to a woman or are you actually gay? No, I get married to a woman in it. That's the whole conflict. And then the dinosaurs from the beginning attack San Diego. You gotta give it to him, man. I feel like this is just universal. That is universal. I agree with that.

It's beautiful. Right as he passes away, like, Inception, we have that moment. Right. Guess what? Dinosaurs in San Diego. Peace out. Oh, wow. Because it's like dudes in the hood relate to the lack

of the father being involved, but then also niggas love dinosaurs. Right? I don't think I've made it clear. This will be an urban movie.

It's like me and Chris Tucker having an awesome time. Oh, that's great. Don't touch my radio, Chris Tucker! And he's like, why do you keep talking like that?

And at the same time, from what I'm hearing, I'm going with the PG-13 rating. Yeah, oh, absolutely. Absolutely PG-13. Very universal. Yeah, which, you know, I mean, but Ben's is PG. Mine is PG and it's also very universal. Everybody is fat in this country. I think a lot of people

really enjoy the weight loss story of love. Yeah, but everyone really loves Taylor Swift. Yeah, but on the other hand, people loved Jurassic Park 2. What? Yeah, yeah, no, exactly. The thing about Ben is that he sucks and he's unlikable. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

People love to watch stories. We're going to watch Lincoln later on tonight. Who let out these dinosaurs? Little old Andrew Short. And then everybody goes, ah. And then they just rip a bright sandbag. Well, I feel like the Sandy Egg will get destroyed. It's not bad because people like shit that they've

seen before. Yes. Like, they really do love retreads. They love things. And you know what? In America right now, you know, the mood is going towards pro gay. Oh, and you love pro gay. But, on the other hand, it's also somewhat anti-gay

so people love the pro-gay, yet he's not gay. You're doing well, sir. Can I just give you a little note, Andrew? Can the dinosaurs attack San Diego during Comic-Con? That would be a good note. I wouldn't take it, though.

You don't want to kill your audience. Yeah, I can't do that. But nerds are a self-loathing bunch. So you think they would enjoy watching themselves get massacred on the big screen. Yeah, and I'm like, wow, these nerds get eaten! Chris Tucker! And then Chris Tucker's like, I'm a very highly educated man. But is Chris Tucker still relevant?

Oh, yeah, man. Come back! Silver lining playbook. Silver lining playbookbook He was in that He's great in it You know in War Horse we had No one wants No one wants

We got one more We got one more By the way so far this is the hardest judging job I've ever had to do I live with this skin every day. Hold on, hold on. I think you're going to see a clear winner here. This one, it's produced by Pixar Studios.

So we're talking Pete Docter, we're talking Brad Bird or someone. Okay, okay. It's called Boy Story. And it's all computer animated. It's kind of like a Forrest Gump where I kind of autism my way through American history. Uh-huh. And it's just real touching. I just, you know, it's, you know, the Atlanta City bombings and stuff.

Oh, I was autism my way through there. Defining moments in all of our lives. Katrina, I was there. Are you retarded or? No, no, no. Are you normal? No, it was just that every time I turned my back My toys would come to life So people were like

What's going on with this guy? Huh? Randy Newman does the soundtrack You got a little friend in Reed You got a friend in Reed Do you have a friend in Reed? Do you have a cowgirl sidekick who happens to have a horse played by Sarah Jessica?

How are you? I'm taking credit for all these jokes. Twist ending though? Very end of the film you find out it was Bruce Wills the whole time. Interesting. So rated G. Oh, interesting. So rated G. Yeah, G, huh?

Big blockbuster we're talking here. All right, so, Marcus, what do you think on his and what do you think on the whole who wins? Jesus Christ, I don't know. They're all so good. They are all so good. Great, Jay, except for Alex. I'm sorry, Alex. And Kevin.

And mine. What? Oh, my God. That. And mine. What? Whoa. That was it. New Jackets? New Jackets was pretty good. Swag to the moon. Holden's was definitely bad.

Yeah, Holden was the worst. If someone was going to win for best title of a film, I feel like Kevin would win. Yeah, best title goes to Kevin. That's an award. That's something. All right. Best title goes to Kevin. Wait, what was. That's something. All right. Best title goes to Kevin. Wait, what was your title again?

Biggest revenue. Swag to the moon. New Jack. New Jack. I love New Jack. New Jack. All right, biggest revenue. Biggest money maker.

All right. Biggest money maker, Andrew. Biggest money maker goes to Andrew. Without a doubt. Yeah. I mean, first off, itmaker goes to Andrew. Without a doubt. Yeah. I mean, like, first off, like, it really goes to it. I would say for long-term cult appeal, I'm thinking Alex. Are you fucking kidding me?

No. Taylor fucking Swift. Everybody else. I don't understand. I'm talking long- Wait, I'm getting to you. Okay, all right. I'm talking long term cult appeal

because I think you got a William S. Burroughs things going on here. Philip Seymour Hoffman too. It's going to be a culty film. It's going to be like well he was really good in it but the story was all about him. That story's my life, Andrew!

That story's my life! It stinks. We could have cut off the story That story's my life, Andrew! That story's my life! Yeah, it stinks, so... We could have cut off the story a little earlier if you asked me. For most controversy and things that people will remember about that controversy, I'm going to go for Jackie.

Thank you. Most controversial. Absolutely most controversial. That'll keep it alive for a long time. I am her faithful. It's the new Caligula. Thank you. Absolutely.

It's going to be fantastic. Thank you. And I think for... I would say for most ambitious, I'm going to go for Reed. Wow. Boy Story really worked hard for it. It's very ambitious. I'm going to go for Reed. Boy's story really worked hard for it. It's very ambitious.

Marcus, just greatest film. Greatest film of the room. Who wins? I'm going to go with Loose Fat. Yeah! Loose Fat! Loose Fat! I learned to jiggle with his jiggle!

I can't believe that. That's wonderful. I'm done with that. Let's get out of here. He's too fat to be in this room. All right, that's Jackie Zabrowski. I can't believe it. That's wonderful. I'm done with that. Let's get out of here. He's too fat to be in this room. All right. That's Jackie Zabrowski. Thank you for being here.

Andrew Short, Pete Failure, Holder O'Neilly, Kevin Barnett. His name is Ben. Too fat. Alex, thank you for being here as well, young sir. And we will talk to you very soon. What is your last name? Moore. All right.

That was sad. Yeah. That was very sad. Will you always be the more famous Alex Moore? That is not true. There's a comic book. We were done. No, what?

I'm done. Jesus. I am cocky right now with my victory. Yeah, you're cocky. No, Kevin wins. All right. Son of a bitch. Alex, you did this to me.

You did this to me. Swag, swag, swag. Swag, swag, swag. Sw. New jacket, new jacket, swag, swag, swag, new jacket, new jacket. New jacket, new jacket, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag. There's only two things I believe in in this world, and that's God and swag. God damn it. All right. Oh, man. You fuck that kid's ass.

I'm going to get out of here in the Sarah Jessica Parker I wrote in.