The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 134: Let Them Measure My Anus

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: A man kills his roommate over a corn dog, a woman is killed in a strip club parking lot by a monster truck, and Ed Larson returns after spending a hellish amount of time in L.A. Joining us today: Erik Bergstrom and Amber Nelson!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ed says yo, yo, yo. Yo, yo, yo. Ben says what side? No, no, no.

All right, Eddie, I think you're on prayer here. I'm on prayer? Yep. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Amen. Amen. God bless Adam and Eve. Not our great sponsors, but the fake people who lived in the Garden of Eden. They started the human race, you know, by fucking... Can we start over? I hate what I'm doing. Okay. I like where you're going with it.

We'll start the human race by fucking, which I think is wonderful. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Just keep it, all of it. Amen. Hey, God, thanks for the cheese. Get some farts. Oh, my God.

How was that? I didn't know. All right, welcome to the round table Get some farts. Oh, my God. How was that? I didn't know that. It's not right. All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. We've got Amber Nelson. Hi. And welcome back, Ed Larson.

Hey. Yo. I'm in there. Hold it, McNeely. I second that. Get some farts. Get them. Get them on it.

I'm out of here. Straight. All right. I've been Kissel. In the truck club, we've got Eric Bergstrom them. I'm out of here. I've been Kissel in the Truck Club. We've got Eric Bergstrom. Thanks for being here, Eric. Hey, how are you? Very good. Just turned on by that voice.

Thank you. Bucket of farts? Come pick them up? Oh, my God. Girls are getting wet and creamy over there. Dry and creamy, I'm afraid. Amber, what sentence do you want Eric to say that would really get you swooning? Say, I want to stick it in your wormhole.

I've actually said that before. I want to, well, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Say it. Say it. I want to. I already have it. I want to stick it in your wormhole. Very hot! Oh, yes.

Women love enunciation. All right, of course. I've got the vapors over here. I know you're sweating profusely, but I think that's actually because you have high cholesterol. All right, then we've got Newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? A Dallas jury has awarded $10.5 million

to the family of a woman who was fatally run over by a monster truck in a strip club parking lot. How'd she die? Oh, man. That's amazing. So, was she a stripper? It doesn't say who exactly she was, but Eric Crutchfield is serving nine years in prison for manslaughter for running over...

What? Nine years? Yeah. For running over and killing 23-year-old Casey McKenzie. McKenzie's family said the club, the spear meant rhino. I don't even understand the... Wait, where was this? Dallas. Oh, Dallas.

Was the monster truck the gravedigger? No, Bigfoot. Bigfoot. I don't understand how this... She got killed by Bigfoot? No. How did it get into the parking lot? Come on.

In Texas, they have the trucks with the gigantic tires all over the place. And Dallas is lousy with strip clubs. They're everywhere. They're bound to run out of names before long. You were saying Dimebag Darrell had a strip club there, and it was golf-themed. Yeah. It was called the 19th Hole. Dimebag is brilliant. That was called the 19th hole. Dunbeg is brilliant.

That's amazing. Oh man, that's great. Man, I need to celebrate this dude for bringing monster trucks back in the news. I'm just glad monster trucks are back out there

crushing shit. You know what I'm saying? It sounds like it was almost the best night of everyone's life. Oh yeah. I mean, I think that's why he only got nine years.

The judge was there. He was like, I gotta give you something. But that was amazing. But he was just driving around and then he hit her? He didn't see her? Does it say? He was in a monster truck. There's a lot of blind spots on that. Yeah, he was in a monster truck. He was presumably

pulling out of the parking lot after having ten drinks and shots while he was in the club. Yeah, I was about to say, everyone in this situation was hammered. All logic goes out the window. There was no intention at all. That's why he only got manslaughter. Or, this is, we don't know if she was a stripper

or not. I'm assuming she wasn't. To have a monster truck outside of a strip club to eradicate everyone who's not white trash. Maybe she was too classy. Too classy. I feel like no one has ever driven a monster truck sober. Oh, you can't. You have to take a reverse breathalyzer

where you have to have above a.0 or.08, and then you're like, okay, well, now it starts. You don't even need a key. You just have to be drunk. It's like Kit from Knight Rider. It's like, have another drink. And you can fuck me and ride me. I'm just sort of shocked that a monster truck is really high off the ground,

so could this woman not have just lain down in the right way? Avoided it completely because she could just lay down and it would just roll right over her if she laid down in between the wheels. Possibly, but the man probably swerved out of the parking lot pretty quickly. If you're in a monster truck, you're going to want to leave everywhere that you go in the most badass way possible. What do you think happened in the strip club before he sped out?

That is, running over a girl is badass. You can't even be mad at that. That dude just ran over my girlfriend, but that wasn't a monster truck. Nobody's going to believe me. The only thing that would have made it more badass if he went and built the wall on the border of Texas. Just immediately.

Amber, what do you think about this guy? He drives a monster truck. He goes to strip clubs. Pretty cool fella. Pretty cool. I imagine he has like a slight mullet. Definitely. He probably has like a wolf t-shirt on

and like a heavy sack of nuts you see coming out of his stonewashed jeans. Oh, definitely. How many snake tattoos? Oh, four. Four snake tattoos? Oh, four. Four snake tattoos? On her limb. Each limb is a snake. He is the coolest guy of all time.

She couldn't hear the monster truck coming? Well, I guess she was shit-faced. Yeah, she was definitely just... What do you think happened in the strip club before he got into his monster truck and sped away? Did he just throw a bunch of money at strippers and was like, fuck you, I'm out of here? Or was he like thrown out? I'm out of here.

I've got to go kill women. Yeah. I've got to go kill women. I have a monster truck. I mean, that's the thing. If you're ever inside of a building and you remember you have a monster truck, you're like, I've got to go. I have a monster truck to drive. Everything is just so cool.

I'm like, I'm sure the guy felt bad about it, but you know, at least there was a second where he was like, awesome. I know, he's going to have a great time. Nine years in jail, is that what it is? Nine years in jail, but the actual story here is that the strip club has to pay $10.5 million to the girl's family.

Oh, that's their best day. They're like, thank God she's dead. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. I mean, I just feel bad for the strippers. They're making a dollar at a time. I mean, they're going to be working their ass off to get up to 10 million. That's going to be a rough couple of months for that strip club and those strippers.

Wait, how much is the handy or the BJ in, like, the champagne room or whatever? It just went up 50%. That's what it is. They're raising prices. The custom of the spearmint rhino. Is that a fucking analogy? Is that some sort of sex thing What is happening with that It's a boner on his nose maybe

And it smells good I want to see the sign Is it like a girl sitting on the rhino's bone Oh my god See that's the thing I just found out that the spearmint rhino Is a chain. Oh, so they can afford this.

Yeah, they'll be fine. I always see their advertising trucks driving around downtown Palm Beach every night. And they go even as far as London. Oh, wow. Oh, this is a classy joint. Yeah. I'm going to take out a picture of this place. Look at that, fellas.

Oh, man. We all feel better that this is part of corporate America. Yeah. Check out a picture of this place. Look at that, fellas. We all feel better that this is part of corporate America. I can afford it. Yeah, pushing out all the mom and pop strip clubs. Man, those mom and pop strip clubs are smelly. Oh, my God.

We had one in Lubbock called the Yellow Rose. Oh, that just sounds gross. And then the Yellow Rose closed down and in its place was the Beaver Run. Beaver Run. A moving sign of a happy beaver.

Come down to Beaver Run where the girls are fun. I used to go to a water park called Beaver Run. Oh yeah? Oh, that's great. Beaver Run. I feel bad for the guy who drove all the miles to get to Beaver Run. He's like, a water park? What the fuck is this?

I thought it was full of pussy. And in place of the Beaver Run, Jaguars. Oh, okay. Which, Jaguars was coincidentally a local chain in which they had clubs in Lubbock, Abilene, and Amarillo. Oh, okay. Big, sexy, cat women. Yeah. Was that the name of a strip club or just a promotional tool?

That was promotion for Jaguars. Oh, okay. I'd love a strip club called Big, Sexy, Cat Women. Yeah, it's just like, you get what you see on the sign. You know, just like, more obvious, like, strip club names. A little more fur on her. You know how old women, when they have too much plastic surgery, they start to look like cats.

Yeah, that's true. Amber, if you had to strip at one of these clubs, the Jaguar, the Beaver Run, or the Rhinestone. The Yellow Rose. The Spearmint Rhino. I'd do the Yellow Rose, because it sounds like a pussy with yellow jaundice. Yeah.

And that's something you can provide. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, the Yellow Rose was known for its C-section heavy roster. Lots of masculine. That means experience. Yeah, that's the thing. It's tough to get a blowjob when you hear babies crying.

You know, and they're definitely right next to the dressing room. It's either really tough or really easy. Yeah, it depends on what personality you have. It's either really tough or really easy. Yeah. It depends on what personality you have. That's very, very true. I'm the one with the buffets in it, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, you fulfill all your needs like a fucking animal.

Has anyone ever done that? Has anyone ever eaten at the buffet in a strip club? When I went to the porthole, my friend and roommate, he ate the hot dog at the porthole, which is the most disgusting fucking place on the face of the planet. Me and a buddy stopped at one of the places in Florida when you're driving down the Turnpike to get a cheeseburger and strippers at like two in the afternoon.

That was on the sign? It was hilarious. That's a fucking bug light for you. I mean, that's just a magnet for Ed. That's unbelievable. Then we got to talk about our DVD guy's new exploits with the fruit store. It just says fruit on the marquee.

You walk in, it's like jerk-off booths, old moldy fruit, and pirated DVDs. It's the grossest place in the world. He's an old Asian fella, and we've been getting DVDs from him for about three, four years now. He's the scummiest Korean ever. It smells like

jism. The place smells like cotton. The first place is shut down, so then he moves to a second place, and it's underground. So we're like, okay, it's very scary. And maybe he's trying to hide from the cops. But now he has a fruit place. It's a front. And all the fruit is completely rotted.

And then so it says fruits. And then immediately underneath it says booths open. So you go in there, you jack off, and then you eat an apple. And you're ready to jack off again. It's so nasty, man. Why not have a front that doesn't rot? I don't know. Wood! I had a bunch of wood! And it's all like

awful fruit. Like, I walked in the other day and it was all like old bananas and like fucking gross oranges. The funniest thing is, as a customer service he has a bowl of chips and it just says free by the register. You can have a chip if you want one. But they're like Tostitos chips.

But it's like everyone who puts their hand in there just starts beating off. Exactly. There's a place in Minneapolis called Sex World and on the second floor they have the beat off booths there. And they have a popcorn machine.

Serve yourself. There's no scoop. You just put your hand in. I think it's so ironic because the Jackoff place and then it's a serve yourself popcorn. If you have a serve yourself jism situation going on, you have to have somebody

serve you food. Dude, just put their hands in there to get them all buttery. Yeah, exactly. We're on a loop. It's time for a butterfuck. I'm going to have a good butterfuck tonight.

Put their salty hands seasoning the popcorn. The dude has these serving all these chips for free. He should just change the name of the store to Chips and Dick. Come on, what's up? Chips and Dick is wonderful. I mean, if you run a restaurant, you should definitely, instead of a coat room, just have a jack-off room. Because as soon as you come, you need to eat. It would be a great business plan. You just put a bucket out next to the dumpster. Yeah, that of a coat room, just have a jack-off room. Because as soon as you come, you need to eat. You know, it would be a great business plan.

You just put a bucket out next to the dumpster. Yeah, that's a good idea. Amber, any man ever paw over you with some disgusting, greasy hands? Oh, I had a guy in a bar in New Orleans. We called him The Face, because he had this fucked up face. And he just straight up picked me up and carried me out like an animal. Did you go with him? No, I couldn't move.

And then finally, like, a big dude was like, hey, stop it. You know, it just took, like, a bigger, and I'm a feminist, but it took, like, a big dude to stop him. Of course. Because I couldn't move. Wait, you couldn't move because you were, like, scared or what? No, because he clamped down my arms and my legs. And, like, it was so quick. Yikes.

He was just very quick and, like, so quick. Where was he taking you? Out in the fucking alley. Somewhere with newspapers on the ground. A gentleman. Is attempted rape a crime? Yes. Or is it just a fence? No, it's a crime.

You can definitely not attempt to rape somebody. It often leads to rape. There's no try only try, or wait, there's no try only do? Is that what you're saying? I think it's a crime if you try. Oh yeah, definitely.

I just never heard of it before. Otherwise it'd be like a bunch of men throwing down a woman and like putting their dick out and being like, psych! If there's ever a psych rape,

it's definitely... I thought I was gonna rape you! I mean, I'm gonna rape you, you ugly, I'm going to rape you, you ugly bitch. Oh, shit. Which is so much meaner than you know she would get

soaking wet and be like, what do I have to do to fuck you? It's like, come on. Not again. No, no, I'm not even into chicks. Oh, man.

Mark, is there any other stories out there? Kevin Barton, serial fake rapist. There's a wanted sign, but it's by women. Wanted for sweet love.

My slogan is, my slogan is, the dick's hot. You ain't, I'm out. Well, speaking of a dude who may or may not be into chicks,

with no apparent evidence other than a photograph of Spanish priest Andres Garcia Torres hugging a young Cuban seminarian the Catholic bishop of Getafe has led to the outrageous condition that there is something

gay about two topless men in a warm embrace. The priest who insists that he and the 28 year old It does suck to hug another dude It does. But the priest who insists that he and the 28-year-old with whom he was photographed on a trip to Fatima are just good friends and threw down this challenge. Let them measure my anus and see if it is dilated.

Unbelievable. That's a win-win if he is gay. They know they're not going to measure his anus. He's throwing all his cards down on the table. I love that they actually go through their measures like, no, he's gay. He's gay. No, he didn't think we were going to measure it, but then we did, and yeah, he's gay. It's like a front open.

But I thought it was really weird where you immediately went for that ruler. You really wanted to check out his asshole, didn't you, Juan? Yeah, it made me gay, too. Look at him. Yeah, weird. How big does an anus have to be for it to be gay? I mean, it's not necessarily big. It's like how much an anus can go like...

I don't know why Marcus is answering this. Kevin answered this. He watched the old goatee test. Is that what you're saying? I don't understand. I like the priest that determined what's gay. That's a little bit gay to me. I mean, basically... We've determined also he's a gay. That's a little bit gay to me.

I mean, basically, we determined also he's a top. He's not a bottom. And that's why he's like, well, I have a sweet, safe asshole. They can measure it all they want. Here's the picture in question. Oh, it's so gay. It's a pretty gay picture. I mean, they don't have shirts on.

Well, are they supposed to be in, like, a sauna? Well, it's also a, I mean, it also a South American thing. Dudes are much more loving with other dudes in South America. They do touch a lot. They grab you by the face. He's a bishop? Is that what you're saying? No, he's just a priest. The bishop is trying to get him to come back to

the seminary in where is it? Somewhere in Cuba. But according to this report, the bishop now wants the priest to abandon his parish in the Madrid dormitory town of Fuenlabrada. Undergo a psychiatric cure and take an HIV test.

Can't we just give him some credit for fucking an adult? Isn't that good? I mean, it's little steps. Yeah, exactly. Well, it shouldn't be little steps, because then it's got steps. Yeah, exactly. Well, it should be little steps because then it's got a problem with the tiny footprints. Fire for not being a bishop.

You can tell it's just some hate. That bishop has been hating that dude for a while. He's been plotting against him for years. It's going through his Facebook. I'm going to get this motherfucker. He's just a big advocate of shirts. For years, he's just been like, what shirts? That's awesome. I love shirts. For years, he's just been like,

what, is this picture gay enough? Like, no, no, no. Definitely not. There's just him feeding communion. And also, the priest says his mom can't stop crying. That's sad. It just does not stop crying. Yeah, but she is a Latin woman.

Yeah. That's true. That's true. Whose parents do you think would be most upset if they came out right now? I would say my parents would probably die if they had three gay sons as opposed to just two. I would say so.

My mom is Jamaican. Is your mom Jamaican? No, no, but she goes to a Haitian church. There are hidden songs in She goes to a Haitian church. What? I talked about this. Her parents goes to a haitian church why because Haitians are the most hate-filled Christians do they bring their own chicken no they love the fuck out of it

chicken and aids what uh they don't bring their gay sons there oh no no they don't want them burnt alive that would be the biggest bonfire on the face of the planet. That's insane. Yeah, Haitian people are probably just as homophobic as Jamaicans. They're more homophobic. I don't know, man. There's hit songs in Jamaica about burning gay people. Yeah, I know it.

Oh, my God. The funniest thing is that the Bonte Boys song, right? A hit song. It's such a gay song. A hit song in Haiti. It's just like four people heard it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, and it's just a song about rock hitting another rock.

Five at one time. So your mother would freak out if you came in on the show. She would completely freak out. I remember I was going to D.C. for my cousin's graduation. Yeah. And it just happened to be that Jermaine, his mom was getting married. This is Jermaine Fowler? Jermaine Fowler, yeah.

His mom was getting married that same weekend, so we rode the same bus to D.C. And so we were on the bus. My mom calls me, and Jermaine answered. She was talking to him for a while, and she was like,

oh, who is that? Who is that? I was talking to him. Oh, it's Jermaine. I do a lot of shows with him and stuff. She's like, why? What is he on the bus with you for? I'm like, oh,

his mom is getting married. And just to see how it says his mom is getting married to a woman, I'm like, yeah, his mom is getting married to a just to see how it says his mom is getting married to a woman, I'm like, yeah, his mom is getting married to a girl. And she fucking lost it. After that, it was like the entire weekend, it was like her and all my aunts just yelling,

I don't want you hanging out with that boy. I don't want you hanging out with that boy. It was crazy. They were like mad at me for hanging out with him because he was going to his mom's wedding. They're like, if he's going to go to that wedding, something's wrong with him. So what is the gay culture

in Jamaica? I mean, obviously it's non-existent, but do they just, I mean, something's gotta be going on. They gotta be doing something in some hidden cove. They're like Nosferatu in the sewers. They're called down-low parties, aren't they? Down-low parties? Amber, you look very sad. You look devastated right now.

Yeah, I'm so sad that people don't like it. It's okay. It's Kevin's mother. I mean, she has no real power. None of our mothers have any power. Always remember that. It's fine. Yeah, I guess I'm just so used to it that I just laugh about it because I'm from the South, so it's just like

fucking everybody's racist or homophobic or whatever. It's ridiculous. You used to care. I remember you yelling at someone for like two hours one time i did i cared about a lot of things about five years ago and i slowly dropped everything like give me both buddy yeah totally i don't care about it i don't give a fuck it's funny though because like my dad and like his whole side of the family is completely open-minded, and they're cool with it and shit, but my mom is just really against us a lot. Even just me doing comedy in the first place.

She doesn't know I curse. She doesn't know anything like that. Like the Homo Thugs videos. My dad has seen them. He loves them, but he watches them like, ain't showing your mom this. She has no idea. Oh, and if she found out out it was the dude from the...

Yeah, no. It's the fact that I'm cursing, it's pro-gay, and I'm with Jermaine. She would lose her mind. Oh, my gosh. She'd disown me. She would go absolutely nuts. Dude, my parents would throw a party for me if I came out. They're so liberal, they would love the excuse to show everyone how liberal they are.

They just want a reason for how weird you are. No, seriously, that was like that growing up. I feel like they were kind of like, maybe this is why he's fucking completely insane. He plays imaginary games by himself in the backyard. Vampires and stuff.

I had that same thing happen. My parents just thought I was weird but I remember I was playing Street Fighter one day and I was playing Chung Li just as the character and she was like who are you playing and I was like I'm the girl on the right and she was like yeah sure you are that's great

and then she had like a serious conversation with me afterwards like oh who is your friend Street Fighter is not an indicator of orientation. Chun-Li, thick feminine thighs. Oh, good. Chun-Li's my dream woman. If I could, if you could treat your dream woman like a puppet, wouldn't you?

I mean, it made it very difficult to jack off to her because he had a controller, but you know, it's a typical marriage. Pause, my friend, pause. Oh yeah, hit pause. Amber, did your parents ever think you were a lesbian? Kind of, I guess, because I never really dated a lot. And I never dated, so maybe.

My brother's gay. He came out as gay. And he left, and I never saw him for 12 years. Oh, he was having a great time. He was having a great time. Probably getting hugged by that priest. I do remember my dad did worry at one point. Because I was like, I remember at one point I was like,

at first I was like, I wanted to take boxing lessons. And he wouldn't let me because he was like, no, you're going to die. He just didn't believe in me. And then I was like, and then like a year later, I was like, man, I was like, man, I just really want to take some gymnastics lessons. I want some gymnastics classes. He was just like, nope. He was so against it.

My dad thought I was gay when I quit football for theater. That kind of makes sense. Hey, come on. Let's be honest. You quit football for weed. That's a good point. If your dad knew that now, would he feel better, you think? Yeah, probably.

I don't know. That doesn't make sense to me because you quit the thing where you're at some point naked with other dudes to go to a place where there's a lot of girls. Where you get mad pussy. You get so much fucking crazy chick action. Backstage in the dark during play. Literally insane, though.

They are. Yeah, exactly. All the better. To his... I also joined the chorus just for the same reason, for getting a free A and be able to sleep all day. Yeah. And I didn't want to do it anymore. And I didn't know how to quit. And it was a real big deal because I was in the highest chorus.

And it was called... What was it called? Sound Station. And so I had my dad. I was like, Dad, I need a favor. I was like, I need you to call the chorus teacher and just tell her you don't want your son doing anything gay. Oh, nice. What a great use of homophobia.

You know, everything can be used for good. That was wonderful. God damn it, the 90s were just a really fun time. Marcus, what's happening with this priest? Is he going to be okay? I think he's going to be fine. All right, let's move on to another story. All right. Something's fucking unibrow. Yeah, that's happening with this priest? Is he going to be okay? I think he's going to be fine. All right, let's move on to another story. He's got his fucking unibrow.

Yeah, that's him. Well, you know what? We're going to go to Florida for this next story. We're going to go to St. Petersburg. Sucks! Police say a man killed his roommate during an argument over a missing corndog. I've actually never had such a thought of like validated

If I'm a judge He's getting no time whatsoever As a matter of fact I'll give him a corndog How long was he tracking that corndog? That sucks Oh it's right behind the piece That's a bad thing to remember I should have looked in the freezer

I killed him already though Well Anthony Kimball Smith 56 died after he was Stabbed once in the chest by a man I killed him already, though. Well, Anthony Kimball Smith, 56, died after he was stabbed once in the chest by a man 20 years his junior. That man, Corey Lamont Walker, 36, was arrested on a second-degree murder charge. A detective who was investigating the crime said that...

Let's see here. A detective said Walker told other residents food had been stolen from his room. The detective said, it appears that somebody pilfered a corn dog from him. From his room? From the freezer. Oh, no, wait.

Yes, it was in his room. What? Oh, my God. Oh, he's one of those roommates who keeps the food in the room? Fuck that guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He said he was the only one there with corn dogs. Interesting.

Yeah. Well, you know, he loved his corn dog. He certainly did. I would probably kill somebody over a finely crafted cheese curd if somebody ate a cheese curd. If they came into my room to get it. Yeah. Ben, it's just interesting to me that you're

putting yourself in other people's shoes because all you do is eat other people's food. And I haven't been killed yet. Our fridge is just like fucking easy access constant everything's flowing in out there i don't know what's mine i don't know what's ben's i don't know what's kept well i'll let you in a little secret it's all mine but don't just write his name on stuff you know late at night even though i know it's mine

write your name on it and then i eat it oh that's i buy it right holden and then i eat it and i'm like wow i fucked over holden you haven't been killed yet but the man 20 years your senior is still growing so there's time sort of like looper yeah it is like our situation except for better in my mind yeah and the cause of death in this one, one stab wound to the chest. It was a serious stab wound. That's efficient. Butcher knife from the kitchen. Good God.

He came at him. He saw the fleeting eyes for a moment and was like, ah, still went through it in his fucking chest. Face forward. I like to look at people in the eyes when I stab them. Yeah. Where do you get them, though? Do you get them in the chest? Do you get them in the belly?

I get them in the chest. I get them right in the heart. Oh, okay. See, I think I like the move where you get get the intros out get all that belly guts out belly pop because then they can still hang out a little bit and be like oh and seeing their own guts i mean that's horrifying yeah totally i see your guts i can see your guts ugly dude well i would say for you smell like the inside of your body two guys guys who eat corn dogs. That's probably the first time that butcher knife has been used, too. Absolutely.

Well, this home that these guys lived in, authorities say that the home caters to people from different backgrounds, some homeless, others with addiction or mental problems. Really? So it was one of those places. Why did they put them together? I don't know. It's not a good idea.

Why did they have butcher knives in the kitchen? Yeah, exactly. Why do they have that? Only plastic knives. Are you saying that homeless people aren't addicted to being homeless? I mean, they love it. They love it. But they're like a whole bunch of other things. That's true. Like making every bench a bed. But you can't just throw these people into the general populace.

Why not? You know, you gotta dilute. If you throw one homeless person into an apartment building filled with normal people, they're probably going to be fine, you know? I mean, I have no idea. Or they're just going to break into everyone's apartment and steal everything until they get kicked out of the homeless again. Steal all their corn dogs. Yeah, that's a good point, too.

Always herd the homeless. You want to herd them up? That's your new mayoral message? Tell us more, Mayor Giuliani. You're like a carly dog. You put them in this big, big place. You call it, you know, the Bronx. Okay.

What do you do with the people who are currently in the Bronx? Oh, they're now homeless as well. Oh, okay. Good. Any home that's found freestanding after the new homeless, you know, what is it called when you banish an entire group of people? Exile. Genocide.

Kill them. That's more work. Yeah, exactly. They'll kill themselves. But if you don't kill them, there's the possibility of them returning. Why don't we just take all the homeless and send them to North Korea? Burn the bridges. Oh, that's a great idea! That way we cure North Korea also. Yeah, totally. Because then the homeless will eat the North Korea. Burn the bridges. Oh, that's a great idea. Thank you. That way we cure North Korea also.

Yeah, totally. Because then the homeless will eat the North Koreans. This isn't a much dumber conversation than a city council conversation. Which is really sad. No, I like that. It's really sad. We're just spitballing here, man. We're just spitballing ideas.

There are going to be laws in three weeks. Spitball it. Famine is so bad in North Korea that they've started eating their own children. Yeah, they're eating people now. The report's coming out. They're eating people. Dropping nukes, dude. Ed, how do you feel about all this?

Get rid of them. Do you think they're going to send one over our way? They can't even send it to themselves. I totally agree with you. I guess the first thing is to bomb South Korea, right? And then move on to... Did you see the video, the propaganda video of like... Of Obama?

Gangnam Style was better. Was it Obama? Yeah, it was like they played... They played We Are the World. We Are the World! But it was one of those like shitty instrumental versions. Yeah. And then they showed a Korean man sleeping and dreaming of a better world in which North Korea was on top of everything.

Like a rocket ship. And then out of nowhere, they took a clip from Modern Warfare 3 of New York City burning in flames. It's like, the hive of wickedness aburns. It was so weird. I think our army can fight against rocks and sticks. I think so. I think so. And hungry people.

That dream, though, I have very, very similar dreams of that North Korean fellow, which I related to him. I thought it was a powerful video overall. New York City in flames? Yeah, death and destruction. That's all I dream about. Obama was in flames and all that stuff. It was horrible special effects. Yeah, terrible special effects.

Asians know how to use computers. That's a small-mindedness that I like. That's my kind of small-minded point of view. And also, North Korea only has electricity for like 30 minutes a day. Are you serious? How do they electrocute people? Come on.

30 minutes a day. That's what I mean. Could you imagine if the North Korean government translated this podcast to how fucking pissed off they would be? They would love it. They would love it. They would love it. Amber, if somebody stole it,

what kind of food needs to be stolen from you to kill somebody? From me? Yeah. They stole my Little Debbie cakes. Oh, yeah.

You love the Little Debbie, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those are good. What kind of Little Debbie? Swiss cake rolls? Swiss cake rolls are the best. Yeah, they are.

Oatmeal cream pies. Those are pretty good. Twinkies were hostess, is that what it was? Yeah, that was hostess. Those are gone now, right? They're gone. They're done. What if it was a poor North Korean child who snuck

into your apartment because he was, you know, very, very hungry and he needed that sweet hostess? I would stab him in his heart and I would eat him. Really? Which is very much at home for him. Somewhere in his body are those little Debbie cakes. Right, that's true. So she'll still get to them.

Smuggling. I like the ones with the peanut butter in the middle of them. What are those called again? You just opened my world. I think fat heads is it. Fuck this, let's move on. Fat heads is what they're called. All right, next story.

This is the thousandth time Ed said that sentence. I like those ones with the peanut butter in them. No one asked yet. This is so random. This looks like somebody on the subway. Okay. No one asked yet. Just flicks at somebody on the subway. Okay.

A six-year-old is recovering after she was attacked by a pack of chihuahuas. This happened in Salem, Oregon. The girl was taken to the hospital, but is expected to be fine. Four of the chihuahuas are now at the Marion County Animal Shelter under a 10-day quarantine. Once that is finished, a veterinarian will evaluate each dog for either adoption or euthanasia. Neighbors say the chihuahuas would routinely get loose from their yard and roam

the streets. One neighbor named Barbara Galt said, it was bound to happen. Fuck chihuahuas, man. I hate them. They suck. They're the worst dog on earth. Did the entire pack of chihuahuas, man. I hate them. They suck. They're the worst dog on earth. Did the entire pack of chihuahuas emerge from one small purse? You know, a bunch of chihuahuas, they attack this poor kid. You know, the kid

probably wasn't doing anything. But then, like, you have other kids who, like, rip on a pit bull's ear and then a pit bull bites it because it tried to rip off its fucking ear and then the pit bull gets killed. Kill every one of these fucking chihuahuas. Make a statement. Chihuahuas are fucking

mean bitches, man. That's the thing people don't underestimate the chihuahua, I feel like. Chihuahuas are fucking out to get. No, chihuahuas, if you make a rat feel pretty, that's a chihuahua. These Mexicans used to hide them in their saddlebags to bite people's hands from stealing their shit

God bless them I didn't know they were so aggressive they're crazy aggressive you have to really get in with them I grew up with a Chihuahua my buddy had a Chihuahua over at his place and it took a long time for him to not hate me the friend and the Chihuahua

it was an intense period of time little miho that was his name it means little boy my friend had a chihuahua just let the record show that Eric rolled his eyes at that why would you name your dog little boy

that's like that French thing garcon kind of all waiters garcon that's too classy of a comparison, but screw that kid, and it's dark. Is he dead now? I hope so. No, he's fine. He likes headphones.

Wait, the chihuahua's dead, mathematically, right? They should kill all these chihuahuas. Yeah, right? Dead as fuck. Do it in front of a bunch of other fucking chihuahuas, too. Yeah. Do it in front of their families. Yeah.

I wish I was there to save that girl, though. That could be like the only situation where you could feel like a giant superhero just running through fucking picking up chihuahuas and snapping their backs. It would be awesome. It's God's work. I would feel like the Hulk.

Has anyone rooted for the chihuahuas yet? No. Because I'll tell you, fuck that girl. Chihuahuas are adorable and they're quite

amazing. Hell yeah. Because this motherfucker takes care of one. Yes, I take care of two chihuahuas and they're quite

phenomenal and little girls are a pain in the ass. They don't suck. They're feisty and they're aggressive.

They defend their home and if you are their father, they will love you, Ed. They're the perfect child. No, they're not.

Your children are going to be the worst. They're going to be fat. And please, don't call them that to their faces. They're sensitive. I babied them their entire lives. 13-year-old in a diaper. Take it off. Never mind.

I apologize. I was in the bathroom, so I missed most of the conversation. Well, you walk chihuahuas then? I take care of a chihuahua, yeah. You put them on leashes? Yeah, of course you put them on a leash. You're a giant. How do you not just whip them into the air every time you do that? Well, you just try not to physically kill them.

Okay. You know? It's always a good option. So what's happening with this girl? I apologize if I missed it. I don't know. She's fine. Oh, she's okay. They just took her to the hospital. She's fine. How many little... Did they bite her lips off or anything?

Oh, no. And they're going to euthan She's fine. How many little... Did they bite her lips off or anything? Oh, no. And they're going to euthanize these poor chihuahuas for this? Maybe. They're under a 10-day quarantine right now. They're evaluating. I say you kill the owner in front of the chihuahuas. That's good. I agree with you. It's a bad owner in this situation. That's the whole thing.

Knowing chihuahuas pretty well at this point, it's the owner. That's the thing. They love their owners. Their owner is going to kind of have a control over whether they try to rip some girl's pussy off with their teeth. How many is it? One owner.

Seven. Four. That's not a pack. Great listening comprehension. I think anything over three is a pack. Okay. If they do kill the four chihuahuas, they better give this woman a husband. You know, because she's lonely.

Oh, man. I heard a bunch of... We rented a house in the hills one weekend when I was out in L.A. Oh, rented a house in the hills. Oh, Hollywood. We heard a bunch of fucking... Swag, swag, swag, swag, swag, swag. Is there a fly in here?

The coolest fly of all time? We heard a bunch of coyotes rip open some fucking animal right next to us how could you what did it sound like the coyotes they all over the place and there was just another animal screaming it's fine i mean me and my buddy was like, he was at war. You know, I was like, they're killing that thing, right? Because you have to ask him. Yeah, yeah, he knows. Lots of things die.

Oh, he was in a war. Yeah, he was in Iraq. Okay. You didn't hear it, Curly, the three stooges kill someone? I didn't know coyotes were so big, either. They're gigantic. How large are they? They're like the size of wolves.

Well, I mean, it depends on where they are. It depends. Like a place like L.A., they're going to be really well fed, so they're going to grow larger. But most coyotes are about the size, a little bit smaller than a Labrador. Somewhere between a beagle and a Labrador. Is it like wolves where if you see a pack of them in the wild,

you're fucked? No. No? God, no. No. Coyotes. Wolves don't even really attack people. No, they don't.

I've just been watching too many wolf movies. The gray. And coyotes are mostly scavenger animals. They're bigger than foxes, right? Oh, yeah. Okay. What do you think, Amber? A fox, a wolf, or a chihuahua?

Who would you want to be eaten alive by? Oh, damn. Probably a wolf because they'd be quick. Yeah. Yeah. Definitely. The chihuahua would be little bites. Probably a wolf because they'd be quick. Yeah. Definitely. The trial would be little bites.

Yeah. That'd be worse. It'd be like getting eaten by piranhas. Yeah. That goes by quick, I think, doesn't it? Does it?

Yeah. In the movies, the guy's instantly a skeleton. Well, it is. John Boyd is always there. I watched a documentary. They did front it up quick.

You'd be dead pretty quick if there's a lot of them. Yeah. I watched a Japanese death match where the person who lost the match had to get thrown into a pit of piranha. I was very young at the time. I was like, oh, he's just going to be in there for minutes. They took him out in a half a second. He was just covered in blood.

I was like, boom. But of course, in reality, he could have died. That was real? Yeah. Mick Foley used to do it with Terry Funk. Japanese death matches on M80s. He would jump on C4 explosives and stuff in the matches.

They did crazy shit. What? Send this to me. Oh, yeah. Eddie's the only one that could survive a piranha attack for about 20, 25 minutes. That's the thing with you, Amber. It's like, I just want to know what the fucked up, most weirdest thing you've ever seen on the internet is, because I feel like

you seek that shit out. God, I do. On the internet, what's the most fucked up thing? This week. Just go with this week. I did see two weird animals fucking each other.

Okay. Weird animal? Yeah, I've never heard of the name but it's some animal in India and its dick kept getting dragged

in the dirt and the mud and they would stick it back in a pussy. No, I knew you were going to take it. no it was long it looked like an anteater oh okay real nasty aardvark yeah look no not an aardvark it was like long it looked like

between a pig and an aardvark was it on a bus no it just like was it on this podcast did it currently just ask if it was on a bus because Because Ed be out there fucking mad. Looking like an aardvark and a pig. Yeah, aardvark and a pig is a pretty proper description. The grossest two animals. Yeah.

Was it ironic? Oh, I said it to my boyfriend. I was like, do this to me, baby. And by that you mean break up with you. Mark it. Ed, that might have been the most innocent way of bringing up Indian gang rape.

Christ. That is a good way of skirting around the gang rape. That's what they say about it. What's going on, Marcus? Oh, I just, you know, I'm very disgusted and upset. Well, I mean, I typed in to Google interspecies animal sex. And why? And I was sent to a in to Google interspecies animal sex. And what? And I was sent to a page called

dogsonacid.com. Yeah. A whole lot of videos of dogs fucking cats. Oh. Well. Oh, here's a dog fucking a chicken. That's great. I want to see all of them.

There's a tiger fucking a Rottweiler. Yeah, there's a tiger. Holy shit. No, that's neat. There's a tiger fucking a Rottweiler. I mean, if a tiger. Oh, shit. No, that's neat. There's a tiger fucking Rottweiler. I mean, if you're going to look at it, show everybody it. No. There's a monkey fucking a cat.

What? There's a monkey fucking a frog. Are these animals willing? Or is it violent? I mean, who knows? They're liberal, whatever it is. Oh, my God. Here we go, everyone.

Here is a tiger having sex with a Rottweiler. Oh, God. That's teasing with a Rottweiler. Oh, God. That's teasing, that Rottweiler. Yeah, they love it. They love it. I think this is illegal. I think it's illegal to watch this, and I think it's illegal to talk about it. No, it's on YouTube.

It's not even YouTube. This is the depths of hell. Look, it's on YouTube right there. Imagine how fucking badass if it had a tiger Rottweiler baby. I don't know, some zookeeper needs to be fired. Because that is fucking disgusting. I'll tell you one thing,

man, this tiger sucks at fucking. He's like slow, he's just like drunk, and he's like me wasted on a Saturday night. Have you ever tried to get horny for a Rottweiler? I'll tell you this, guys, if you look at the text above,

lol at the Chinese commentary. This happened in China. Oh, okay. No human standards. You're right. Very interesting. Were they going to eat the tiger too?

I'm just having a seat. No, no one... Turn that fucking shit off. All right, one more China joke and that's all. One billion people for fuck's sake. I'm just saying, one animal humps my leg, that's two four-legged animals screwing each other. That's better than one humping me, that's all.

That's a good point. I love thinking of that tiger just having no standards like the rest of the tiger in the zoo. Yo, you already fucking dogs now? Real skinky tiger. That's like West the rest of the Tigers. Yo, are you already fucking dogs now? Real skinky tiger. That's like West Side Story of the Zoo. He loves that route. What do we got, Mark?

It's like the Redfish Zoo. I mean, stop looking at animal porn. I mean, it's just it's a monkey fucking a frog. Stop.

Oh, my God. Don't fuck that frog. You're right. Frogs are like pocket pussies. Yeah. A monkey, I guess. Yeah. Oh my god. Don't fuck that frog. You're right. Frogs are like pocket pussies. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. We're gonna stay in the realm of porn right now. Alright.

A gay porn actor has been arrested and charged after he was found masturbating on equipment at a fire station in Louisville, Kentucky. Was there a camera rolling? Oh no. Here's what happened. Last weekend, Nicholas Gonzalez 27 shattered one of the bay window doors on the building, broke in, pulled

gear out of the lockers in a storage room, and was found masturbating on the items. Police said he was under the influence of alcohol, and when asked why he broke in, he stated, because I wanted to. That's a good reason to do something. Firemen are sexy, you know? You gotta get

in there, you gotta beat off on the pole. And to be fair, that's an incredibly manly statement he made. There we go, fire station. That's kind of interesting. So do you think this guy had a fetish for apparel? Just fireman apparel? Just overall jackets and things like that? I would believe it, absolutely.

There's a fetish for everything. It's weird when it's a fetish for stuff. Yeah, like I saw a documentary for a guy who got off only on Ferris wheels. What? Yeah, he loved Ferris. It's weird when it's a fetish for stuff. I saw a documentary for a guy who got off only on Ferris wheels. What? It's really gross. I saw a different documentary in which there was people that were in love with certain...

There was a woman who married the Eiffel Tower. And then it showed her actually having sex with the Eiffel Tower. The friendship got too far. No, it was an American woman. In fact, a former Marine. I saw a woman in a bridge. There was a woman in a bridge. She fell in love with a bridge.

Yeah, she fell in love with a bridge. And she'd just go to the bridge and caress it and talk to it. I saw a naked homeless man humping the sidewalk to completion. Very uncomfortable. Well, it's awkward when you see someone on their wedding night. You know? And no doubt he was consummated the sweet marriage with that patch of concrete dry humping it outside but ice cream shop was like a strong. What happened with this guy with the Ferris wheels?

He was holding parts of the Ferris wheels, and they're all greased up, and he was just saying, like, I love you. I've waited all year to see you. We're not psychologists here, but what the fuck is the psychology behind that? I don't know. I can see the Eiffel Tower is a big dick. Okay. I get that.

What do you think, Amber? Well, Ferris wheels are fun. They're sturdy. They're always there. They're always there. They can support you. Right. I can see it.

I can totally see it. If I were to make love to a structure, it'd be a Ferris wheel. Really? Because they're fun. Ferris wheels are fun. That or like... Just open your legs and let it paddleboard you? Yeah.

Just have everybody kick your pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I like it when it's full and I like paddleboard you? Yeah. Just have everybody kick your pussy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like it when it's full, and I like it when it's empty. I would say one of the ones that go with the animals that's been around, but that's a little too pedophilic. What would be your least favorite structure to have sex with? My least favorite structure?

Probably a contemporary art museum, because I imagine them being very jagged. They're snuck up. I'm going to go with a table saw. With a table saw? Oh, okay. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. I thought you were going to go with... Well, I guess...

Well, it's not Jet Stadium anyway, so it's Giant Stadium. I was going to say, you could be in love with Dolphin Stadium, I think, maybe. Oh, Dolphin Stadium? I love it. It's Graceland.

Yeah, exactly. It's Graceland. Marcus, you know the mind of weird people. What do you think it is psychologically that makes somebody want to fuck a structure? I think it is a complete and total disconnection from humanity. And since they can't fall in love with an actual human person, they want someone who can't hurt and or molest them.

Because in most of these stories that I've heard, and I have researched this, most of these people were brutally molested as children, and a lot of them come from foster families. So that's all you have to do to have somebody respect the arts? Too factual for me. Just tell me magic. That's what I want to hear. The weirdest fetish I've heard about, just for my own brain, is the fetish of a chick in high heels

stomping on cockroaches. That is a fetish I've heard about multiple times, too. There's also fetishes of people stomping on rats as well. Is that an exterminator fetish? They like hearing the crunching of the bones. If they could

watch people get killed, they would. This is the closest. They don't have LiveLeak? What's that? LiveLeak shows people getting killed. Yeah, but not right in front of you in a room. Yeah, and not doing it for your pleasure. That's what they get off on.

I've completely forgotten how this relates to the news story. What was the object? It was an object. Is it illegal to bash a rat in the head with a hammer? Yes. What? No, it's not. I guarantee Is it illegal to bash a rat in the head with a hammer? Yes. What? No, it's not. I guarantee you, if you bash a head, a rat...

We had a story in which a man killed rats, and he was charged with a crime. What? I've seen it, dude. I like, right in my neighborhood, there's this Chinese dude just fucking slamming the shit out of a rat. Well, he runs a restaurant. It was brutal. Yeah. It was right in the middle of the street.

Anyone here ever kill a rat or a mouse? Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Do you know what a nutria is? You know what a nutria is, right? Nutria, yeah. You get paid to kill them. Yeah. You do. Somehow, one of those made its way from Louisiana all the way to West Texas, and, you know, they're

fucking huge. They're like, how long? A foot, two foot long? Organic rats. What, they reproduce like crazy, I'm guessing? Or something like that? I don't know. All I know is that I ran into one when I was a kid, and I grabbed a snow shovel, and I chopped it in half.

They look like muskrats, right? I mean, they're fat, too. They're like sewer rats, but huge. Mutants. No, it's fucking, I hated it. Traumatized by it. Really? It's the only mammal I've ever killed in my life. Mammals are tough to kill. Yeah, they are, man.

Yeah, I'll kill a snake, though, in a goddamn heartbeat. I hate snakes. I hate snakes. I cut their heads off. Yeah, I once chopped the head off a bull snake and then shoved a bottle rocket up there and woo! It just flapped around. You are a good guy.

I had a mousetrap go off. It only got one leg of the mouse. I put that mouse inside of a plastic bag, inside of another plastic bag, stomped it to death while crying. Oh my God. It's like a terrible Jewish wedding. It's a bad tradition. It's like a terrible Jewish wedding.

Like it's a bad tradition. Well, it's even worse if you just throw it out the window. Because then ants eat it slowly. Yeah. So, Marcus, what's happening with this guy who jacked off on the little fireman gear? Well, he... Oh, that's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start. That's how we start.

That's how we start. to see how we got to stomping a mouse into a garbage bin. I feel like this guy should be let off immediately. That is the most horrible fetish I've ever heard in my life. Well, he's being charged with burglary, public intoxication, and criminal mischief. Okay. Well, he's fine. Criminal mischief? It's like, was he wearing a cape?

Like, what do you mean criminal mischief? Mustachio? Yeah, exactly. He got the curly Q. Well, we got one more story before we get to our segment today. A Colombian wife has been accused of pouring boiling water under her husband's genitals as he slept after finding out he had been unfaithful. Yolivel Lopez allegedly tipped the liquid on top of Nefer Netan's private parts after receiving a call from his mistress saying that they had just had sex. And Eddie, I'm going to need your help on this one.

Neighbors in the town of Martinez near Surret in northeastern Colombia said Netan screams, Pierce the night sky! And he was taken to hospital for treatment. Pierce the night sky! And he was taken to hospital for treatment. Pierce the night sky? What does that even mean? His screams pierced the night sky. Oh, yes. They broke into a little bit.

He's got literary quotes at that point. I love the picture in the article. It's just a boiling pot of water. That's it. That's amazing. I wasn't listening clearly. I thought that he screamed, Pierce the night sky. That's what. That's amazing. I wasn't listening clearly. I thought that he screamed, here's the night sky.

That's what I thought. Who screams that? Here's the night sky! My genitals are boiling! I thought he was screaming so I thought of it like... Dr. Frasier? Like as if it was an anime

and he was about to do his power-up move. Here's the night sky! So did he lose his ding-dong? Yeah, what's going on with this dude's dong? I mean, reports, doctors said his genitals

were utterly destroyed. That was their medical term? That is the direct quote, utterly destroyed. Amber left the room momentarily. What happened, a chick dumped a bunch of boiling water on her husband's balls because he was cheating on her.

Good for her. What do you think? You want a Bobbitt situation or a pot of boiling water? What's better or what's worse? They reattached his dick. They were able to. This guy's genitals are utterly destroyed. That's the worst description of genitals I've ever heard.

How was your date with Bobby? His nuts were utterly destroyed. That's the worst description of genitals I've ever heard. How was your date with Bobby? His nuts were utterly destroyed. It'd be like sewing a pork chop back on. It cooked it, right? Yeah. Speaking of a Bobbitt situation, last year a woman flew in a jealous rage

and chopped off her partner's penis before flushing it down a toilet. Oh, that's what you do with a dick. Flush it down the toilet, man, that's what you do with a dick. Yeah, flush it down the toilet, man. There's no chance after that. Yeah. It's gone. Can't attach it again, motherfuckers.

What do you, Amber, how does that make you feel? You're thrilled right now. Yeah, my heart's pumping. Amber, I've got a feeling you've been cheated on before. No, I actually haven't. I just, you know, the hair on my underarms grows with my womanly wiles. I don't feel like

any man would ever cheer for another dude cutting off a woman's pussy because she cheated on him. I agree. I agree wholeheartedly. I think the irony is if you find out your chick cheated on you, have a train ran on her.

Everybody use that pussy. That'd be straightforward. It'd be straightforward. But really, it'd be straightforward murder if you're, like, I would feel like, or if you,

just mutilation. Well, there is genital, female genital mutilation. It's just very difficult to do. No, it's done all the time, especially in,

like, West Africa, Saudi Arabia. Not with cheating. No, that's just a different standard. Oh, no,

she's just become a woman now, so. No, super easy to do. You get a knife, you heat it up real hot, and you burn the clit off. Yeah, you burn it off. And then they cut off the lips, and then they sew the vagina together.

Yes, they do. That's why a lot of women die in childbirth, because there's so much blood being lost. You people from the South know a lot about this. It's different. It's a different culture. It is. It reminded me of, what do you do with the weed, with resin weed? Hot knifing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. It's the award show. Well, we got the Oscars technically for us right now, tonight, but when you listen to this it will probably be yesterday. It will be over. It definitely won't be yesterday. Yeah, either way.

So we're giving out awards by the presenter, Ed Larson. Everyone's going to make an acceptance speech. And that's it. That's the name of the game. Yikes. So here's how we're going to do it. I'm not going to say. I'm going to say, you know, like for the first one is Scariest Mind.

And everyone here is nominated for each of these. Everyone's nominated. So for Scariest Mind, we're going to give it to Marcus Parks. The odds on favorite. I appreciate it very much. You're the Meryl Streep of that category. I really am.

Do you want to thank anybody? I'd like to thank Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I would like to thank the state of Texas, most of all. Yes, of course. Absolutely. More than anything, specifically all the people in my hometown of Rochester, Texas. Can we get some names?

Bobby Muley. That's right. And in fact, the entire Muley and in fact the entire Muley family for really giving me first on really up close visions of what inbred people are like

I would like to thank the entire and finally I would like to thank all of the Parks line and my grandmother and all the people that came before her, including all the horrible

cattle ranchers and the man who owned the whorehouse and all the people who are rumored to be murderers. Yeah, I was going to say, wrap it up, wrap it up.

Thank you, Skits. Thank you, Skits. Goodbye. wrap it up wrap it up thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you

thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you All the globes. All right. The award for best fuck session with a child on the Gravitron goes to Miss Amber Nelson. Wow. There it goes, Steve. Thank you. I would like to thank all the carnies that did all the blow they could to build the Gravitron.

I would like to thank Gravity, which makes that sweet little boy dick go in me much further. And I'd like to thank God, you know? All right. Great speech. All right. The next award is for

Fattest Pig Frankenstein. All right. Fingers crossed. Come on. This whole year is led up toest Pig Frankenstein. Alright, fingers crossed. Come on. This whole year is led up to this. Alright, it's a big award. Everyone's been waiting for this one.

The Fattest Pig Frankenstein goes to Mr. Ben Kissel. I was wrong! I was wrong! I just lost $300. You're an idiot because everyone knew

that was going to get this award. I want to thank my parents. I want to get this award. I want to thank my parents. I want to thank overall pizza. I want to thank overall depression and just society in general for hating large people and chasing me around with fire and broomsticks at all times.

I also just want to thank my overall character that... You know what? This is too much for me. It's my wife's work! It's too much. I want to thank women for being scared of me. I want to thank myself for scaring women.

This really has meant so much. It doesn't make me sad to witness for the fourth consecutive year. All right. Next up is most likely to still be in detention, Mr. Kevin Barnett. Wow. I'm out here, yo. Thank you.

Thank everybody. I want to thank, first of all and foremost, yo. Thank you. Thank everybody. I want to thank, first of all, and foremost, God. You know, my Lord and Savior. Secondly, I'd like to thank my dick. It don't have a lot to do with this movie at all, but I fucked all the bitches. You know what I'm saying?

Swag. Very nice. Very good. Alright, and the award for best voice for a rapist goes to Mr. Eric Berkshire. Oh! Hey! Hey!

Hey, I win. Also the odds-on favorite. Yeah. Got a lot of surprises this year. I know this brought up earlier, but I have a little Marlon Brando. I got a young Native American woman who's going to make my acceptance speech for me. No, I'm kidding. Voice of a rapist. Heart and soul, sir.

No, I'm kidding. Best voice for a rapist. So out of all the rapists, you have the nicest voice. Oh, that doesn't... You're making me feel better. I would like to thank my reflection. Also,

but speech for rapists. I would like to thank... I mean, no means no. Or does it? There's such thing as a double negative, so if they say it twice,

it's all about even and odd numbers. You're making me feel like a rapist. And that is how I win. Thank you. All right, very nice. Very nice. Man, that gave me the heebie-jeebies. Well, this next award must go to somebody.

Yes. For the 27th year in a row, everyone would give it up for Holden McNeely, best human lizard. Oh, yes. I'd like to thank... And I'd also like to thank my buddies over at... And especially, especially, really what this all comes down to is my grandmother and her... When she broke me. Thank you so much, everybody. I also want to thank the Academy for letting me lick all of them.

And the zoo for being in it. So we got one final award tonight. The Groovy Hot Dog goes to, for best beef, Ed Larson. Ed Larson. Look at that. You know, Evan,

people say I didn't deserve this award, but when you take as care of beef as I do, when you birth a cow and you punch it for its entire life, just to make sure it's tender, when you stomp on its udders,

just so you can, to the point where it's the best milkshake you've ever had. Everyone says her milkshake kills all the boys in the yard. I say... I don't really think anybody even said that at all.

There's a word that you... But yeah, and I'd also like to thank my mother for teaching me how to beat animals. Very nice. She used to beat me when I was a child. You are an animal.

Thank you very much. Thank you guys. This really means a lot to me. Alright, who wins it? I guess we all win it. Everyone's a winner. Everyone's a winner. This really means a lot to me. Best beaver. All right, who wins it? I guess we all win it. Yeah, we all win. Everyone's a winner. Everyone's a winner. I don't know what to do.

I so rarely win. Well, I just want to say thank you. I feel like my award was the best award, and I'm probably the biggest winner of the night. Are you giving an accepted speech? Kevin wins. What happened? Oh, shit. Kevin, thank you for being here, Eric.

Oh, thank you. And that's Marcus Parks. We will talk to you soon.