The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 136: Catchphrase

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 136th episode of the Round Table: a man is arrested in Dallas for biting a teenager's butt, a woman in Oklahoma is found to have a gun hidden in her vagina following an arrest, and an inspiring story about a wrestler with no arms or legs brings out the best in the Round Table. Joining us today: Adam Newman, Anthony Devito, and Henry Zebrowski!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen of discussion civility gentlemen always civility it's a surprise game baby that was fine

yeah that was really good so let's pray to the nothing ask why I'm all wet why is Jackie wet? I wish she wasn't. That's really horrible. It just sounds like

I am sick of this already. Come here, come here, come here. Dear God, why am I so coming? It's because of the choices you've made. Thank you, Poppy, and thank you, Henry, for making me wet and making me smile.

Amen! Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. As we found out, Jackie is here and very wet because of Henry, who is also here. And Poppy, don't forget Poppy. Yeah, of course, Poppy is always with us. We're playing characters. Oh, I see. It's a charade, if you would.

Okay, good. Ed Larson, drier than I've ever been. Yeah. Holder McNeely. Ah, shit. Good, good. Kevin, all the bitches all the time. Barnett, that's me.

What's up? Kevin does not get any women, as a matter of fact, we'll discuss how two ladies faked being lesbians to avoid him last night. Which was remarkable! Remarkable! I'm Ben Kitzel. In the chat room we have Adam Newman. Thank you for being here,

Adam. Oh, thanks for having me. And of course, Anthony DeVito is here as well. Oh, man, yeah, thanks. Thank you so much. Marcus, we do have a news story I'm sure lined up to start with. Do we want to discuss the fact that Kevin turned two ladies' sexual orientation? That didn't even happen. I was just wondering. Okay, so we went to Union Pool.

We arrived, we did a college show, and we arrived here at 2 o'clock in the morning, which meant it immediately went to 3 o'clock in the morning. So we went to Union Pool. I drove a car there, man. He drove a car. It was very cool. You know what I'm saying? Finally, two girls fat enough to stop and talk to Kevin came by.

It wasn't like that. It was. It was on you because what I was doing was, every girl that passed by was like, oh, have you met Ben before? They're like, what? Oh, he's a good friend of mine. I would do that.

That was great, you know? But only the fat, them fat ones stopped. And you know what? I was'm like, oh, it's a good friend of mine. Go ahead and meet him. And I would do that. That was great, you know. But only the fat, them fat ones stopped. And you know what? I was into it, man. Chick had some cool lipstick. She did have some cool lipstick. A little advice real quick, Kevin. When you're talking to women, never mention that you're friends with Ben. That was what I was trying to tell them the whole

time. Yeah, just scream, oh, monster! Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they hit me with their shoes. We've already got him half naked. These girls, they actually liked me very much. And then, of course, they did not like Kevin too much. They loved me. At one point, one of the girls, the fattest of the two, walked into the bar.

Fatter, fatter. Yeah, the fatter of the two. Walked into the bar, and Kevin said, Ben, I'm just going to grab her, and I'm just going to make out with her. And then, sure enough, did he try to do that? And then I saw her face and holy faces of fear. That was amazing. She pushed him off of you.

You think she was racist? No, she wasn't racist. She didn't want to be raped. That was what it was. It was a different R. She was racist towards rapists. Right. She doesn't like them. She just happened to be black. And then from there on her friend Admitted that they were both lesbians Whether they are lesbians or not lesbians

I think it's better if they are actually lesbians As opposed to forcing women to confess To a sexual orientation that they are not They didn't understand me No they did They understood exactly what you wanted them to do You know I want to throw it out there. Mildly shocked by the level and amount of ladies the kiss man has been bringing home these days.

Big kiss man. Getting all the ladies. Mildly blown away by it. But don't you assume new identities for each woman that you meet, right? You should just like one person. I'm like, oh, he's been bringing a girl home. Oh, he'll be nice to me tonight. You just show up,

like, dressed in a suit with, like, a UN pin on it. Hello, this is, you remember me, this is my roommate Holden. Yeah, I'm the Jason Bourne of Gideon. My name is Bill Sunderson. I'm from Albania. But the apartment doesn't lie. The apartment

is covered in garbage and, like like rat shit. Oh, you know how I found a way to get out of that? How? It's an artist's house. That works? You call it like an artist's loft? Yeah. That's disgusting. Anyway, alright, Marcus.

With no art anywhere. With nothing on the wall. It's verbal art. It's like on the wall. It's verbal art. It's like if you took a porter potty and made it in a park. I'm creating a new piece out of Coors Light Tallboys. Well, apparently there's going to be no good jokes today on the show. I'm sorry. Marcus, what's the news story? A homeless man was arrested in downtown Dallas Saturday for allegedly biting a 16-year-old girl on the buttocks.

According to a... Bite that butt! Get that butt! Dude, that's not even nearly as bad as what Kevin did to that lesbian yesterday. I didn't do anything because she wouldn't let me. That's a good thing, though.

Not even that homeless guy can say that. That's a good thing though, at least. Not even that homeless guy can say that. It's all good, man. I still got this hoodie, though. According to a police report, an officer near the Greyhound bus station heard the girl screaming and 38-year-old David Olienick laughing.

Witnesses consoling the... He's a prankster. Yeah, he's a prankster. Witnesses consoling the crying victim said a prankster! Witnesses consoling the crying victim said, he better on the butt. While he was being taken into custody, Olienik said, it was worth it.

It was fucking worth it. He was putting on the sunglasses like, bow, bow. That's his catchphrase. He says that after every shitty thing that he does. Anthony, do you think this guy set out and he woke up in the morning and he's like, I'm going to bite a butt today? Was this a premeditated butt biting?

Oh, I don't know. That's good. I mean, I would assume that. I love that story. That's Anthony's catchphrase, by the way. I don't know. Well, fellas, I don't know. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Well, I feel like he just, like, finally got these therapists and set up, like, a program of him just, like, biting on two smushed-up stress balls for a long time, and he just got sick of it. Here is a picture of the gentleman. Oh, yeah. A white fella, bald, nice little beard. Yeah, we were saying

Fat Tim Dean. Yeah. He's born to bite butts. Yeah, that guy bites butts. And I've been, this is a shitty I've been to this Greyhound station before in Dallas. Once had a man who had just gotten out of prison try to convince me to help him steal a car there. Did you do it, Marcus?

No, I did not. It's crazy what passes for news these days. I mean, like, someone bit a butt of someone at a bus station in Dallas, and it made it all the way up to New York. It's like, nothing really happened. I mean, it would take four weeks to get this story. They'd be like,

you hear what's going on in Texas? They're biting butts down there. Marcus also looks for these things. You know what I mean? You find them. I actively search for these things, yes. Yeah, he types Google searches, biting butts everywhere. This is the first week he actually got the story. Oh, my God, it happens. There's one coming, man.

I can feel it. You know what's crazy? It's like all the horrible things that happened at this Dallas bus station that day that aren't in the news. The stabbings, the meth heads, shit all over the bathrooms. Wait, am I wrong in thinking we've had a separate biting butt story? We've had stabbing butts, we've had slicing butts,

we probably have a biting butt one somewhere. This might be our first biting butt, though. I think that. This may be our first. I wish it would cut to a picture of the victim and her butt looks like two freshly baked turkeys. Perfectly brown, you know? She's wearing the new turkey jeans from Gap.

It sounds very difficult to bite a butt, though. You really have to get in there. It's not that hard, man. I mean, just for you, Kevin. Yeah, you gotta bend over and approach from behind. Or maybe he was sitting on the floor. So if he's sitting on the floor, you just lunge for it. Maybe he was laying on his back on like a giraffe yeah maybe he's getting

leaves out of a tree maybe he was laying on his back on a bench and waiting for a butt to like one of those mentos commercials yeah painted with like green slats over him so he like camouflages it also depends on the type of pants i feel like this woman must have been wearing some kind of yoga pants she's a fucking teen i bet she deserved it no i'm saying like teenage girls are not aware of their surroundings man she's sitting there standing I bet she deserved it No, I'm saying Teenage girls are not aware Of their surroundings She's sitting there Standing around

Fucking asking for it Yeah, man She's got that fucking Pert butt I bet she deserved it As Jackie's kid That makes a lot of sense That's a show I'd watch as well

The thing is How did they know it was him? Were his dentures Hanging off her pants? No, he was laughing hysterically. He was probably like, I did it! I did it again! I did it again!

Chomping all over the walls and things. That's great. Jackie, how would you feel if you got a random butt bite? Flattered. You would feel flattered? Of course. I have no ass. And if someone thought my ass was crisp enough to eat i would say thank you yeah

and if you had to get bit at any part of your body that's not the worst part to get bit on and alive the movie where they had to eat the people it's gotta be the tastiest part of a human you think so he could have just been hungry yeah newman what do you think i saw a vivisection of a leg the other day and that looks pretty tasty too what's a vivisection like a cut in half of a leg oh okay yeah yeah and it looks like snake cut in half of a leg so so that's what you would attack first henry i saw cut in half of a leg so that's the part you're going after that's the part you're fighting for anything that just looks straight up like meat it was delicious looking yeah that's true that's very very true i was reading about this cannibal dude who was eating, like, he compared eating, like,

he, like, killed, like, women and ate them, like, and mostly ate their thighs first and ate it raw and compared it to, like, sushi and stuff. He ate it raw? Yeah. Wow, that's dangerous. That's the Japanese guy. Yeah, the Japanese guy. He, like, served it like sashimi.

Served it to himself like sashimi. Really? And he just said it tasted like sushi? I think, yeah. Or how do you know? He said that it had the texture of sushi. And I believe at first he, and I'm not making this up, I believe at first he just tried to just bite on her butt to eat her,

and then he decided he needed to cut it into sashimi. We actually covered this on another show at one point. Last podcast. Cannibal is an episode. Yeah. I mean, I'm just an American. I would just make a burger out of that. That's very interesting.

Cultural differences. Yeah, at least cook it up. Cook it up. Yeah, at first he just tried to just eat chunks make a burger out of that. That's very interesting. Cultural differences. Yeah, at least cook it up. Cook it up. Yeah, at first he just tried to just eat chunks out of her, but he realized it's too tough. I think I'd want like a sausage and peppers if a human. Well, especially because he's going at it with the chopsticks and it's covered in soy sauce. And he can't get his teeth in there. Kevin, how do you want to cook your human?

How do I want to cook my human? I don't know, man. I've heard about it. Did we talk about like them doo-doo steaks they were making? No do I want to cook my human? I don't know, man. I've heard about it. Did we talk about, like, them doo-doo steaks they were making? No. I think we talked about doo-doo steaks. Okay, doo-doo steaks.

No, it's like Japan. I think it was Japan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about doo-doo steaks. I'll tell you what, that's the last thing I want to eat. So it's just more like shit steaks? Yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like.

It's like a hamburger patty that's just a bunch of shit. It's a doodoo steak. They process the doodoo into a way that they can make a steak out of it. Yeah. And they eat it, and they say it tastes just like good steak. I guess one thing I know Henry and Ed eat that I'm not into is the bone marrow. Yeah!

You guys like the marrow. Yeah. Suck it out! Get the middle! It's nature's butter, man. Nature's butter is in our bones. Oh, I had a taste of it and I almost passed out.

It was so intense. Holden, what are the... Crack up and suck your bones and just fill with delicious liquid. Me and Henry like to eat the entrails, but it slows you down, bro. I've seen you suck out a fucking crawfish's guts, man.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Eddie, how do you describe how you eat bone marrow? Because Holden was telling me about it. How do you get the marrow out of the bone? They slice the bone in half and they cook the fuck out of it. It's so good. And then you just suck on it?

Yeah, it's like super, super rich. Yeah, like a little spoon. You spread it on a piece of bread or something? Oh, I just had a spoonful of it. Which is really gross. I want to lose my mind. What did it taste like? Claudette Barnett eats the bone marrow too, man,

but she does it brutal, man. She just bites in. Really? I feel like it tastes like a giant's cum. That's the description I was looking for. That's what I couldn't do with, that's what Brie reminds me of. Brie smells like jasm

so I can't eat it. You can't eat Brie cheese, which is the main thing. You can eat bone marrow? He ruined Brie for me. It was like Christmas Eve and I was eating it and he's ruined Brie for me. It was like Christmas Eve and I was eating it. And he's like, smell it, though. It smells like jism. Oh, come on. And it does.

It completely smells like jism. It does. I know the house is all out of cheese. I had as fucking holidays as the Zebrowski fucking family. Smell the cheese, Jackie. It smells like jism. What are you guys doing in the kitchen? Eating jism. Eating jism, Mom.

I'm eating cheese. Marcus, anything else with this story? I mean, the guy's being charged with a solidly settled on $1,500 bail, but we're going to stay in the realm of buses for our next story. All right. I like buses. I know you do. Get across the country.

See the world. See the world. Get across the country. That's amazing. That's amazing american sentence real quick before you start the story how how far have you driven uh traveled on one bus trip ed on one bus trip i went from uh new york city to boca raton damn so you saw the world 30 hours man wow a nightmare that was the trip where that woman thought that you were jesus right yeah yeah she tried to kiss my feet and gave me a Hello Kitty thing well this involves school bus drivers to Iowa Falls school bus drivers were fired

after school officials say they were racing with each other while transporting students Man all those kids were having a fucking awesome time I would have loved that Definitely Hit his bus Kill him Well one of the kids Said his name was Mitchell

Brandon he was seven He said the kids started shouting yes yes And then they started shouting no no Very scared Very quick. That was after the bus driver said, losing team's bus, all the kids have to suck the winning bus driver's dick. That's not fun. My bus, my rules.

They had it set up for weeks, and they knew that that was going to happen. They'd trade off each week. Those are the prizes in bus driving sports. It's a very extreme game. They're coming back from a Valentine's Day field trip. Doesn't say where, though.

Something romantic to take the kids to. Yeah, just out in a bunch of hot tubs in the Poconos. Bus drivers drinking wine, giving wine to the kids. And CEO kissing. Oh, man, that's gross. You're not going to age well, Eddie. That was gross. Driver Willie taught us all how to French kiss.

Starts with the beard. They were also doing it in the snow. Oh. Do we have an official winner? No official winner. The police. The cops were able to catch up to him. The school board president said

I have no idea how long they were side by side but long enough that the children were fearful. It's just because they didn't have any seatbelts on. But if they had seatbelts, man, who cares? These fucking kids from Iowa are such pussies. It seems that way. I honestly feel like, I mean, I might be making this up, but if I was seven years old, I can't see myself saying no at any time.

God, no. You know, one kid said no, and that's the one whose mom called it in or something. Yep. That fucking kid needs to be put to death. You want a raise? Absolutely. And I'm with you. The death penalty for that kid is worth it. My grandfather used to be the first kid put to death. You want to race? Absolutely. And I'm with you. The death penalty for that kid is worth it.

My grandfather used to... The first kid put to death. For good goddamn reason. Stopping all the fun. My grandfather used to do this thing where we'd go down hills and we'd have this game where he'd drive closing his eyes and not touching the wheels. But we fucking

loved it. He would scream with laughter. Kids love danger. Same thing. My uncle used to drive all over the road, and I was like, this is a roller coaster. Turns out he was just drunk. He's just a drunk driver. That's why everybody's first experience with roller coasters is just drunk dad trying to get out of a parking lot. Definitely.

Dude, I gotta say, I would pay money to see a reality TV show where Ed drives a school bus. How amazing would that fucking be? Those kids would be fucking silent. They would be terrified. Yeah, was this guy like screaming at the kids to shut the fuck up and stuff while he was racing the other drivers? I mean, there aren't that many details, but...

I bet he was just screaming with laughter. He's asking them to egg him on, and when they start saying no, he's just like, you don't want me to fucking win? You don't want me to win? It's like throwing kids out of the bus to, like, lower the weight and shit. This is one of the most

exciting race experiences I can ever think of, though. The consequences are a bunch of dead kids. NASCAR should throw a couple of kids in the back of all those cars. I mean, that would really give it some good weight. Cut down their crashes or make them more exciting. Yeah, exactly. Bunch of babies all over the track. I mean, that race is going to have quite a long way.

Kids going into, like, emergency chemo. They've got to be there by 4. You know what I mean? So you give them steaks. Yes. Yes. The last kid doesn't get it. That's kind of sad.

You're racing for cancer treatment? Oh, race for the cure. That's the thing. No one mentioned this is all for cancer. These bus drivers are heroes. No one mentioned that part. All right, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? An Oklahoma woman arrested Monday on drug charges had a loaded

handgun hidden in her vagina Whoa I heard about this The weapon was discovered during a search of Christy Dawn Harris 28 by a female officer with the Ada Police Department The cop spotted the handle of the five shot revolver sticking out from

inside Harris who is seen here. Oh, yeah. If her pussy is half as wide as her neck. Isn't that how you can tell how wide a vagina is if you measure the neck and divide it by five? Yeah, I think so. You definitely have to divide it by five.

So I was trying to tell the police that she's like, I'm sorry, I have a syndrome called vagina gun top. Yeah! There's a gun in my pussy. I mean, question number one is how big is this gun? Holy shit!

It's a nice size. That is not tiny. It's a five shot revolver. Which part was hanging out? Was the front end or the handle? It was aimed up in there. I like that she put it in there that way. Finally, a woman uses her vagina for a purpose. I was just thinking about that.

I think it's great. It makes me wish I had one, man. Because then you could put stuff in there, store that, you could make crimes. I can't put it in my butt because that's gay. This woman also had meth in her ass. She had meth in her ass. Her ass was full of meth. So she just walked down the street like,

I'm fucking coming everywhere. Those are redneck snap pops. What are those things you put in your mouth? What are those? Pop rocks. So basically, she has a gun in her pussy and meth in her ass. She's a white trash pinata. I would love to see her broken. She's a white trash piñata.

I would love to see her broken. What a great Christmas present that is. I love it when she comes over. And when they asked her to take her pants down to check, because the drug dog was going fucking nuts. Oh, no, that's just Bonzo. He loves ass. When they asked her to do so,

Harris advised that she was on her period and did not want to. Harris eventually complied with the cop's order. The officer, Kathy Unbewoust. Great name. Unbewoust. Unbewoust. Yeah, it's U-N-B-E-W-U-S-T, Unbewoust. I observed at that time a wooden and metal item sticking out from her vagina area.

She added that she pulled the item from her vagina and found it to be a five-shot revolver with rounds in the chamber. But if there was a male cop doing the search, he would have immediately fallen in love. You have the coolest pussy ever. Newman, if you take a chick home, pull down her panties, see something in her pussy, what do you want to see in there?

What do you want to find? Like Swedish fish. Oh, Swedish fish. Oh, I love Swedish fish. That's a great choice. You know, it's like something sweet and on theme, I guess. Very, very underrated candy.

How pretty would that be if you were going down on a woman and you ran into some Swedish fish? Yeah, some candy. Also, the constitution of the fish wouldn't be compromised either. It would just be a little juicier. That's how they test Swedish fish is they leave them in Swedish

vagina. They're swimming upstream like salmon. I don't want to commit any more to this joke. Jackie, you would unload the gun, right? I don't want to commit anymore to this joke. Jackie, you would unload the gun, right? Uh, yeah. Because you never know what if it's going to get, like, what is it called?

What if you queef? Yep. What if you queef? I don't think it would really. We all have a catchphrase. What if you queef? I just can't help but think of all of the bacteria that was on the gun that she showed up inside of her. You think she's going to have an infection because of this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you got shot with that gun, you could potentially get shot and then get yeast infection in your shoulder from the bullet. Or you could shoot a virgin, and he's not a virgin anymore. That's a great idea.

What's great is that she leaves the house like this. Yeah, normally. She just shoves a gun in her pussy every day. Assuming she got pulled over, right? Maybe she shoved it in after she got pulled over. But how would she shove the meth into her ass?

How long has it taken for this cop to get to the car? Right. Let's just wait until she puts the gun in her pussy before we go knock on the door. Well, I've got another story that it brings up even more questions, but the same types of questions. A man arrested this

week in North Carolina may have sashed a.38 special revolver in his rectum. What? According to police who reported that the unloaded 10-inch weapon was not discovered until after the suspect had been strip-searched and booked into a cell in the county jail. Didn't even...

It was up there. It was in there. That's a.38. Oh! It is brown! It is! Kevin, I thought you were just being homophobic, but you're right.

That's gay. No, exactly. And that's the guy right there. Oh, that dude's never going to live this down. Man, he's got a mean asshole. Ow, ow, ow. Ow. Okay, what's worse?

The five-shooter fully loaded in your pussy or that ten-incher in your ass? That ten-incher in your ass. But was it loaded? No. Okay, so slightly safer. Well, then that just seems like a fucking waste of time then. Like, why even put a gun up your ass if you're not going to load it? That is true.

It's like you find yourself in a gun fight. It's like a bizarre case of a man has, like, multiple personalities. One is in his butt, and his butt's a career criminal. Or he just has more items stored in different places. Like, he has the is in his butt and his butt's a career criminal. He just has more items stored in different places. Like he has the bullets in his mouth. If you can fit that gun

up your ass, you can fit bullets in your dick hole. There's no doubt about it. I feel like this guy earned the right not to get caught. I feel really bad for him.

He was arrested Monday after a trooper spotted him speeding. His name is Michael Leon. Of course he was speeding. He had a fucking 10 inch gun on his head. You gotta get home. I gotta shit this gun out so goddamn bad. His name is Michael Leon Ward. He's a 22 year old Georgia resident.

A subsequent search of his vehicle resulted in additional charges for possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia. He was also charged with resisting arrest and they put a stun gun to him. It was only after Ward, who was a fugitive on a murder warrant out of Atlanta, entered the Onslow County Jail that sheriff's investigators discovered what else he possessed. According to cops, Ward summoned jailers to his cell, claiming that someone was trying to kill him and that he discovered a gun inside his cell. The weapon was found in the toilet, where Ward claimed he tossed it after finding it in his bunk. He shit it.

For sure. He just shit it out. First of all. Second of all, again, like the first story, he's just cruising around with a gun in his ass. Yeah. He's just doing his activities. Somebody's going grocery shopping. How many people are not getting caught?

Yeah. How many people are not getting caught? Yeah. How many people are in this room? Somebody has their ass. Who has the gun? Jackie just pulls out an arsenal. Do you want a shotgun? Yeah.

I'm sticking out. I'm sticking my throat. Daddy, I don't want to play who has the gun. Why not, Jackie? The gun was test fired as well. It's operational. That's amazing. So he killed somebody with this gun and someone told him to get rid of the evidence and then he just shoved it up his asshole.

I guess so. I mean, he's a fugitive on a murder warrant. Yeah, he is a murderer. I feel like if this guy would have just tried harder at football practice in high school, this wouldn't be happening to him. He was voted most likely to have a gun stuck up his own ass. You just gotta finish out those sprints.

There's no way a gun is the first thing you ever shove up your ass, though. No. He's been working on that for a while. And he's 22, so there's gotta be criminals out there that can just shove older criminals. That's right.

Hand grenade. But second of all just got like art art themes and shit just shoving whole paintings 70 year old like cat burglars giant diamonds surveillance cameras just well then he just sat on it sat burglars he left all square I mean, you sit on what you want to steal. You have to rob places naked, but it's still very effective. Yeah, definitely. That's the thing that bugs me out about it is, all right, with the chick, that's one thing, but with the guy, you've got a prostate up there.

Yeah. He's constantly ejaculating. Oh, okay. I don't know. It would feel pretty jazzy. No, I think it would probably hurt so much because that's going way past your prostate. Yeah, but it's like sitting on the trigger.

When you're up there and you've got the trigger thing, your prostate's folded over it. You've got to be getting some kind of pleasure. Is the prostate like a little ball? Like a tiny little ball. It's a little finger that pulls triggers. You're like, click, click, click, click, click. It's like playing with a safety engine.

No prostate. Lay off the trigger. Did he go handle first or barrel first? That was just actually... Gotta go barrel first. Barrel first. I mean, there's no way he actually... Kevin, do you think it's possible for him to get the handle in there?

The handle has to be hanging out like a little gun tape. I think you can get the handle in there, dude, if you just believe in yourself. A little confidence, that's a good point. I mean, this sounds like the plot of the first universal black superhero. That's the dude who has a gun up his ass and shoots people in the hood. Oh no, it's gun ass! It'd be great if you get the barrel

just barely out of your asshole and you could bend over and shoot it while it was still in your ass. That would be pretty cool. Oh, that would be amazing. I would like to see him in a shootout where he has to grab his gun real quick and just let it out of his ass. That would stop the shootout immediately. Yeah, he's got another gun in his pocket and the officers are like, drop your weapon. He's like, I'm dropping it right now. And as he bends over, his ass. That would stop the shootout immediately. He's got another gun in his pocket and the officers are like, drop your weapon.

He's like, I'm dropping it right now. And as he bends over, his ass just starts shooting at the cop. But what if he believed it would do that and it didn't? Drop your weapon. He bends down and he's like, oh. Just a little squeaky fart and no bullet comes out.

I meant to shoot, but instead I pooped. It's a fun rhyme. It is fun. I feel bad. I'm with you, Eddie. This guy should be let free. Not for the murder, but for the gun. Leave him alone for the gun.

There should be a series of things that if you can complete these tasks, you should not go to jail for murder. Yeah. And I think this guy, like, two more tasks. You have to, like, eat four big cockroaches. You gotta, like, get through an obstacle course with, like, wacky, you know, bad kids. And the second one is be nice to a girl for an hour. Yeah.

I mean, I honestly think, you know, shoving a girl. That's the hardest one We all know Bitch and Beat Trevor, man I'd love to also hear Cut, cut, cut It's like here an ironic turn That he was actually just like He was a beautiful artist in love with puppets

And ironically he had to use his power for bad. Shoving something up his own fucking ass. I mean, I feel like shoving a 10-inch gun up your asshole is a fate worse than death. I think the guy who he killed got off easy. It's pretty bad. It is pretty bad. All right, Marcus. I've got a feel-good story for you guys.

Let's do that. It's good. I thought you were fairly feel-good. It's inspirational. I mean, I know that's It's good. It's good. I thought you said it was good. I thought you said it was good. I thought you said it was good. It's inspirational. I mean, I know that's inspirational, but this is also inspirational.

It's just inspirational to hear that there's something inspirational out there. Wow, you're really freaking Ed out right now. Eddie, have you forgot reality?

All right, I just want to say Ed is now taking off all of his clothes. Uh-oh. Oh, my Lord. He's made of bugs. His body's all bugs.

Wild. Oh, it's a small cow cat. High schooler Caleb Smith, who has no arms and no legs, recently defied his disability by winning his first wrestling bout. I've seen him wrestle. He's amazing. He's not amazing. He just won his first match. He kills everybody. Oh, no. Oh, no. I've seen him wrestle. He's amazing. He's not amazing. He just won his first match.

He kills everybody. Oh, no. Oh, no. This isn't the guy. Oh, I thought this was the guy who won state. No, no, no. This is the guy that just won his first match. Oh, okay.

Oh, there's a guy with one leg that won state. Yeah, yeah. We talked about him. This guy's going to be... Why isn't this a story about the dude who killed himself after getting pinned by the guy with no arms and no legs? Kissel wrestled back in high school. What the fuck would you do?

I mean, obviously, kill yourself, but before that. It's not like that. The thing, the difference between this is there's weight classes. So he has no arms and no legs, but the rest of him is fucking swollen. You know? It was funny. These twigs were like 120 pounds. Exactly how much this guy weighs.

He weighs 120 pounds. I would only cheer for this guy if he came out in a basket, like Basket Case. I don't want to do this. It's just tiny little dorks, you know. He just rips up the shreds. He's the meanest looking torso I've ever seen. He's led his school in escapes this year.

Well, of course. I mean, how do you possibly grab him? It's almost a depressing stat. Yeah, of course. I mean, that's so good at just lying there. That stat has an asterisk by it because he's got no arms and legs. That's the first one in the history of sports.

When you start a wrestling match, one person is behind and the other person is on their all fours, and you're supposed to elbow chop to get the person down. I mean, the man has no elbows. So what do you possibly do? Coach Otto Kraus told CBS Minnesota, he's got the kind of strength people don't normally see at 120, plus the way he can move makes it hard to wrestle him. Yeah, he's a great

dancer. It's really great when you cover him in baby oil. It's unfair. It's like a muscular water weight. A chicken tender. Yeah, it's like a 120 pound bar of soap. Do not drop it.

I feel bad for the opponents. I mean, there is no upside. If you're going against a guy with no arms, no legs, if you beat him, you've just beat a crippled dude. And if you lose, I mean, come on. That's so tragic. You can't lose. You can't lose, but you can't win.

It's like wrestling a girl. But he knows those stakes. That makes him try extra hard. Right. See, what he's got going against him, though, is that he has no arms. Yeah, that's the thing we all know when he has not going. He literally can't do anything. He can't open his shoulder.

He can't apply for a job. No way. He can't hype nothing. He can't set up a Facebook profile. This guy won a wrestling match and he can't eat soup. I mean, that's what's so sad. This made national news. It's the only thing he's ever going to do.

He can never show performers how much he appreciates them. I just want to see him write an email. I think that would be pretty cool. Yeah. Where's the national story when he writes his first email? That'll be amazing. Let alone text something. That's phenomenal.

They say the drawback that he has here is that he gets winded a lot easier than his opponents. Yeah, because he says for them to run 10 yards or whatever, it takes them like 20 steps. But for me, it takes me like 30 steps because my legs can only move so far. So he's got to move his stubs really fast. Right, right, right, which is terrifying. I'm sure it's a lot faster than it should be. Him on all fours.

It's coming at you. Yeah, it's going to look like sped up film from an old movie. If I was his friend, I'd just give him little tap shoes for all the limbs and just hear him flick around. It sounds remarkable. Gregory Hines got nothing on that dude. What a good friend. Oh, yeah. People who have that sort of deformity are just happy to hang out with anybody.

They want everyone to be happy. No, they do. They want everyone to be happy. I'm the freak. I don't know how you offended the room. I don't know how that happened. I was fine with it. I mean, Ben's a freak of his own. That's right.

I did whatever I had to do for people to hang out with me. Getting pussy, man. Yeah, it's so weird. It's so weird. It finally paid off somehow. Yeah, something he's doing. I bet this dude gets pussy too, though. I bet this kid gets pussy too, though. What?

I bet this kid gets pussy too. Any time. Any time. He's a good-looking kid. Yeah. He is a good-looking kid. The thing is, if he does get pussy,

he has to go in face first. That's true. I'm just going to lie there. I feel terrible about this whole story. I just want you to know. No, he's a hero. He won a wrestling match.

Jackie, how do you fuck a guy like that? Do you bounce him up and down inside of you? Yeah, you hold him like a baby. Like you're bouncing a baby on your lap. Okay, so you've got to do all the work. You keep reminding him that you think of him as a baby. You're my baby.

You're my little baby. You can't do it unless I want you to. Listen, lady. You want to go to the tub again? You want to go into the tub again? You want to go into the tub again? As soon as I get out of this garbage can, I'm going to show you my fucking problems with you. She's chopping up the onions, throwing them in the can. What do you have planned?

I don't know, man. I think with hard work and determination, this dude could be the best seat burglar. He'd be sitting on all types of things, running that. All right. Well, I think we've beat this guy to death. The thing is, he can kick any of our asses in this room. He literally can. He doesn't have feet. I heard they're grooming him to be a bench.

Yay! Alright, alright. I like that. I heard they're grooming him to be a bench. Yay! Oh, all right. Oh, my God. I like that. It's fun. We're done there. All right. Someone had to end this.

I just like how Ed took time to think about that before he said it. I'm going to wait until everyone's done. I'll say my great bench comment. Congratulations on your big win. I'm going to wait until everyone's done. I say my great bench comment. Congratulations on your big win. I'm sure everything is going to work out. Thanks, man. Well, we're going down to Florida. Good description of this podcast is wait until Ed's bench joke.

Jacksonville resident Alan Blair Casey got so irritated that his boyfriend was playing Alanis Morissette non-stop that he hit him upside the face with a plate. Casey, 24, claimed

that's all the motherfucker listens to as police carted him away and charged him with domestic assault. They carted the guy who was listening to Alanis Morissette away, right?

No, the boyfriend who killed him with a plate. Oh, he killed him? No, he didn't kill him. He hit him with a plate. Yeah. This is ridiculous. I'm fine with it.

Sounds like a Marx Brothers. Jackie, how much is too much Alanis Morissette? I mean, any of it, especially with the dude listening to it. What if all he had in the apartment, what if he really wanted to kill him with a plate, but all he had in the apartment was 10,000 spoons? I liked it. No, I liked it, though. I liked it, too. I got it. I got it, yeah.

He's got one hand in his pocket and the other hand slapping him in the face with a plate. Yeah, I saw that one. I like that. I'm going to keep going so you guys know how many Alanis Morissette songs I know Does it say what song he was listening to?

No it doesn't They were both on meth though Oh on Taylor's dick Taylor because he was on meth Not because of fucking Alanis Morissette He's just fucking Moshing like crazy the head over feet I think hand over feet is the name of an Alanis Morissette He's just fucking moshing like crazy to Head Over Feet.

I think Hand Over Feet is the name of an Alanis Morissette song. It is. I'm the only one that caught that one. Inside of me. I listened to Jagged Little Pill. I would assume that was the album they were listening to, right? Oh, man, no.

One of them was like her real late stuff, and that's why he didn't. That's why. I'm a fucking mess! That's why he didn't. That's why. I'm a fucking meth! That's true. Alanis Morissette does not sound like the artist to listen to when you're on meth. No.

What's a good band to listen to while methed out? The AC in your apartment. I thought you meant just like one channel of ACDC, like not in mono. You can only hear the drums and bass, but you can't hear the guitars and the vocals. Fragmented, yeah. AC is my favorite band. I think that if I were on meth, I'd want to be listening to My Way by Frank Sinatra.

Oh. Like mowing the lawn in like silver short shorts. Yeah, classy. Fly to the bumblebee. Over and over again. Definitely. Yeah, I mean, meth people get a lot of things done, and I don't think Alanis Morissette is all about, you know,

being busy and doing housework. I'm just surprised he didn't try to sell the CD. Yeah, that's a good point. I don't know. Here's the guy. This is Alan Blair Casey himself. Oh, what a douchey looking dude. You know what's so funny, though?

He actually has that... He looks a lot like you, Holden. He doesn't. Wow. He honestly looks like you for you to say. I was going to say that that dude has, like, meth skin, but then I realized he has better skin than Holden, and Holden doesn't do meth.

But he does have the stereotypical meth bumps and things like that. Yeah, yeah. And that's from scratching your face, right? Yeah, part of it. You don't look at me. I've never done meth. You've never done meth. You've never done meth. I've never done meth.

But I have watched a lot of Breaking Bad, so I can give you some info on there. Anyone here ever do meth? Nope. I might have done it on accident once. Yep. What? No! What?

Well, it was just in Menominee, Wisconsin, and somebody pulled out a line of something and I snorted it and he's like, that was meth or whatever. So you totally did that. You definitely did that. No, no, no, no, no. But it wasn't like, I think it was like meth mixed with like Ritalin or something. It was very, I mean, I was fine. How was it?

It was fine. I was just running around. Maybe you should take some more. No, no, no, no. Definitely not. I just ran around, had a good time, sweated a little bit. That sounds healthy. Yeah.

Right. Yeah. Went to the playground, got to the jungle gym. Got a job. Things were good. It was the same house my roommate Yusuf at the time punched out the window and stuff. It was a fun time, full of blood. Anyway, we didn't pay rent at that place. We lived there for eight months and we never paid rent once.

Actually, well, Henry and Ed lived in an apartment where they did not pay rent for a very long time. You guys did that also? No, we paid rent. Oh, you just trashed the fuck out of the place. It was $200 a month, but we paid it. Yeah, we just stopped using a bathroom because of fucking science experiments. I stopped. Henry kept using it.

For a little while, and then we barred it off. Then we closed the door and said, do not use. You barred it off because of something. Parts of the house were like getting more deficient and we would just shut the door and write do not use

on the door. What was wrong with the bathroom? It happened in the laundry room and it happened in the bathroom. These are two very important rooms to a house. God.

What do you mean God? Well, it was because the bathroom, the wall of the bathroom caved in. Okay. There was like a thing going on where it was like the bathroom, the wall of the bathroom caved in. Okay. There was like a thing going on where it was like, there was hot water constantly dripping out of the faucet, and it created this awful steam cloud. And then it made the wall of the bathroom cave and all these fucking bugs came shooting out of it.

Wow. And then, this sounds like a steal at 200 bucks a month. Yeah, exactly. The real time you opened the door, you just heard a voice that went, please release it. Shut the a month. Yeah, exactly. The real thing told. The time you opened the door and you just heard a voice that went please release it. Shut the door, shut the door.

Yeah, just being like such a sweet little voice like I'll give you so many presents if you just let me out. There was something trying to negotiate its way out of the bathroom.

Fucking just close the door man and just write do not fucking use all the props at all. And fucking Palin who was like a punk kid we had all these squatters

yeah he would sleep with a he would sleep with a coffin standing upright in front of his bed no we put it there while he was sleeping one night

but he left it and he was like I love this thing where did you get the coffin we bought it okay well for a murder fist sketch

we were we were doing props and costumes for a sketch. We were like, oh, we need a coffin. And Palin was like, oh, yeah, I know a guy. And literally in two days, we had a coffin. 250 bucks. Yeah. Nice coffin. It would be in my living room, and I'd wake up late at night to go piss, and I'd walk

by the coffin, and I'm just like, fucking guy, get out of this life. It would just end up in other people's houses and you always just put it up in the doorway standing up when no one's not paying attention. It's the freakiest thing in the world. Always upright. So funny, man. But he had a bunch of squatters living in his

bedroom and they were like, just the worst kids from Merritt Island. They're the worst and there were all eight of them living in that bedroom for a month. I thought it was going to happen for a weekend. They were there for a month. I remember I would open the door and it's just Tool playing really low.

They're sitting there. It's literally a sea of beer cans. You couldn't touch a piece of the ground. That whole apartment was a sea of beer cans. No, but not in this... When the squatters came in everything changed that was when everything went to shit I agree there was literally like a small

pathway in the apartment giving each other tattoos and shit I remember one time I was uh I woke up I had a girl with me and we went down to the kitchen my room was also the only time I ever had a clean room my whole life cause the rest of the house was just such shit my room was pristine and so we left my room we went down to the kitchen to get

some water and we're sitting down there and one of the girls shows up she's fat angel wings girl you know and uh she comes in she's like i'm sorry that i don't have any money for rent and i was like oh you can you know you can go get a job or something you know there's plenty of ways what if what if she was like I never even thought of that and then she did. That would have been amazing. She's like a head of like Pepsi corporate now. She's like, well, you know, I'm a tattoo artist and there's

really not that much work right now. And I was like, oh, you should go try to find an apprenticeship or something. She's like, I would, but, you know, my needle's too dirty to find work. Do you? She's like, I was like, oh, that's all right. You know, whatever. We'll get you a new needle sometime.

You know, whatever. She's like, I don't have any money for rent, but I'll give you a tattoo and change. And I was like, your needle's dirty. Jesus. Quite disgusting. Yeah, it was a nightmare. And essentially, the ending of that apartment

was it getting sucked up into a void like in Poltergeist. One more story about this chick. I remember she went to Publix, which is the grocery store in town. The best thing in the fucking world. I miss Publix. But she went with angel wings on.

And I saw her at Publix and she's yelling at people. She's like, stop fucking looking at me! Stop fucking looking at me stop fucking looking at me you're a 300 pound woman with angel wings on her and her tits are hanging out of the

side of her like frayed gutter like fabric that she's wrapped in I guess we know the answer of

did it hurt when you fell from heaven yeah you're 300 pounds I felt like a motherfucker yeah definitely

I fell real real fast I flapped these wings all I could. I was not supposed to fall from heaven, but I ate my way out of it. That's how you fall out of heaven. One more slice of cheesecake and then you just drop off your clock.

God sent a contract with an old country buffet and he's like, I'm just losing angels. Marcus, what's up? Why did we build this fucking Shoney's here? This is ridiculous. Got some news out of Africa.

Africa news. This is never good. But it's not as bad as you think it's going to be. People still die. Of course. Is it AIDS-y? Only one. No.

A woman was mauled to death by a lion as she had sex with her boyfriend outdoors. Wow. The ultimate ride. That makes sense to me because my cat will totally jump on the bed and scratch the shit out of me and my girlfriend while we're doing it. But you removed the cat at that point. Well, yeah, because he's a little cat, but you can't remove a lion. Right. Shariah Mawary died at the...

Is that the name of the lion or the... Thank you! Yay! That's the funniest because none of us even know the answer. I still, like, really want to know. I want to know. African names are funny, man. The name of the woman.

What was the name again? Shariah Mawara. Yeah, my favorite African names are Shariah and Kevin. He's Jamaican. She died at the scene of the attack in a secluded area near the town of Kariba in Zimbabwe. Her boyfriend, who has not been named, was reported by the My Zimbabwe News. Because his boyfriend just wasn't named as a child. That's actually his name?

It wasn't named? It was his name? Who wasn't named? Is his name? If we had cut out everybody else laughing and just had Ed deliver that joke and the amount of laughing that he did, that would have been the most racist thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm so proud of myself.

The boy who wasn't named. That's funny, though. He fled into the bushland before raising the alarm. So, yeah, he just fucking split after the lion started attacking his girl. He fucking got out. What are you supposed to do? You got to go in the woods and rub it out. She's dead.

The lion's busy. Get out. You got to give that lion the 500 bucks that you promised him and get the fuck out of there. That's like the best way to get out of a relationship, too. Absolutely. Let's go fuck in the woods, honey. You know where all the lions are. Yes, if this accidentally cut her a little bit.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, it'll be fine. I'm on my period. No, no, I know. That's perfect. I'm slapping this red meat on my back. Shut up. You shut up.

Shut up. It's a date. We're having a date, all right? You wanted? Shut up. You shut up. Shut up. We're having a date. Do you want me to go on a fucking date? Do you want to go on a date? I feel like next week we're going to do a story. Man releases lion in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Where's Henry? Why is he here?

He's not here. Rangers are hunting for the lion amid concern that the same animal may have killed a man over the weekend. He's a man-eater. Yeah, police believe... That's what happens with these stalking things. Yeah, yeah, police believe the man, who was not named, was mauled by a lion. And nor will he be.

That's the name of these people. That's his brother. The whole family, the whole who's not named family is dead? That's going to be one blank-ass tombstone. Oh my goodness. All right. Well, there was another. There was a lion attack here in New York as well.

There's something in the air. Lions are very upset this week. Lion attack here in New York? Yeah, there was a lion attack in New York. He killed a zookeeper. Yeah? Oh, yeah. What's in the air are lions. Lions are very upset this week. Lion attack here in New York? Yeah, there was a lion attack in New York. Killed a zookeeper. Yeah, what's in the air are lions.

Lions, there's lions. You gotta respect them. That reminds me, like, where I lived in high school, I lived next to this place called Lion Country Safari. Great place. At Palm Beach. It's dope. It's a place you can drive through and lions just run through the grass and all that shit, and they come up to your car. But they would get loose.

I remember it was like... I lived there for four years before I came up here. You'd come back to your car and they'd come up to your car. But they would get loose. I remember it was like, I mean, I was there, I lived there for four years before I came up here. You'd come back to your car and they'd be like sitting on your fucking car. No joke.

No, because it's open air. It's open air. They would get loose. They were like waiting for you. There was Lion King Safari and within the neighborhood there was a guy who had like two lions

and a tiger and I think they got, his lions and tigers got loose like twice in the four years I was there. And Lion Creek Safari, that just got loose that twice. And the thing was,

I would take the bus from my school, but it was a three mile walk from the bus stop to my house. And I remember I would walk there and I'd be carrying this, I had to lug this Barry saxophone with me. It's big ass piece, it's like expensive as shit.

And it's heavy. And I'm walking three miles, hot ass Florida sun. And it's like a friendly ass neighborhood. Everybody knows each other. And I remember there was this rich ass dude who would drive by in a Bentley every day. And he'd pass by me, and he lives, like, right across the street. And he'd wave and be like, you'll appreciate this when you're a success and you have your own car.

And he'd drive by me every day. And it was Lions loose in the neighborhood at one point. And he'd still drive by. And it was lions loose. It would be amazing if he did that one day and then a lion in his backseat just poked his head out. Appreciate that right now. Do you remember the advertisement for Lion Country Safari? It was just like a picture of a lion sitting on top of a car. That was like the whole thing.

We let them loose around you. That sounds terrifying the whole thing. We let them loose around you. That sounds terrifying. Fucking terrifying. No, but they're real. But then, nowadays, they're not. Now they can't come up to your car. They're behind a fence. They're still running through the grass.

There's some asshole dude. He got out while he was on the safari thing. He wanted to impress his eight-year-old son. And so he got out and started dancing around in the lion field. He came up and just ate the shit out of him. Thank God. I remember my dad went and took a piss

right next to the rhinoceros and I was crying my ass off. Were you laughing or were you scared? No, just so scared. I thought my father was going to get gorged.

He was feet from a rhinoceros. Jesus. There's a piston in your house. My mom's like, stop it, stop it. My dad, he's on it. feet from a rhinoceros fucking rhinos the finger Yeah, they're all like Whitney Houston just sitting there, just like chewing grass, like eyes glazed over. Yeah. No, yeah, it's Lion Country Safari.

It's an awesome place. You can drive through it and have like herds of zebras. Was the first guy's idea like shatterglass water slides or something like that? Who's going to Lion Country Safari? Nah, man, we got too much money for shatterglass. It's literally as close to Jurassic Park as we can really do. That's true. That's very true.

It's insane over there, man. I'm sorry, Anthony. What's that? He looked at amusement parks and he was like, this amusement park's pretty good, but you know what's not? They don't have enough loose lions. That's the fucking problem with this place. And by that you mean sexually promiscuous lions.

Yeah. A lot of lions just coming up and fucking you. All the bathrooms are just filled with snakes. They're using the bathroom. Flushing the toilet and shit. Did they find the lion? Have they killed this lion? They haven't found him yet, but they believe that the lion also killed the man who was on his way home from a nightclub.

What? God damn, fuck, don't go to Africa. You can't go to a nightclub without getting killed by a fucking lion. To be fair, the nightclub was right in the middle of the field. Yes, the remains of the victim were found on Tuesday on the outskirts of Kariba, which is near the Zambezi River. This lion is like Jason. He is a little. We go having sex or having a good time.

No fucking on my watch. No way. This lion's got a hockey mask. I'm coming home drunk from the bar. Hell no. Christian lion. That's the saddest shit in the world.

That dude was probably in the bar. He got in no car trying to talk to girls. They told him they were lesbians. He's walking out. Damn it. New York, you just go home on a fucking empty train and feel bad about yourself. Africa, you get eaten by a lion. And no pussy.

That's some shit. Last night could have been worse. Too much. That reminded me. Last night after uh last night after we uh left the bar kevin and i saw this uh situation where there's a fella who hit a girl right and so we were like oh my goodness well we better go in there and confront this guy but then the five girls that were around the other girl started talking well no because it was like

like this this guy runs up he's like this kind of like jersey looking dude right and we see like a girl on the ground we're like yo what the fuck and we like we like he was like running off by trying to stop him we're trying to stop him there's another dude in the? And we see like a girl on the ground. We're like, yo, what the fuck? And we like, he was like running off. We're trying to stop him. We're trying to stop him. There's another dude in the deli. He's like, nah, man. Nah, nah, nah.

Trust me, man. We're like, what the fuck happened? Apparently those girls were trying to beat the shit out of that dude. They beat the shit out of the dude. So we just saw when he was retaliating.

Yeah, and these are like five pretty ass white girls. Big old nice butts and shit. And they're like, yeah, fuck that dude. Fuck that. You see what he's saying? They're like, what the fuck?

It was amazing. Where were you guys last night? In Williamsburg. Oh, I thought you were in Boston when this happened. No, we drove back. That's the thing. I was much more scared of those girls than some lion. I would have pet that lion.

I didn't want to look at those girls. I was afraid to get in my ass. That's a little terrifying. But he laid one of them out, though? Yeah, he laid him just right away. We tried to stop him. He was like, no, man, fuck that, man. Fuck that.

He was terrified. We were like, all right. And then the biggest girl chased after him. Oh, she was massive. I think your father took a piss next to her. She was huge. Huge. Yeah, you're right man

We did good not beating that guy What if he had taken a beating From you guys right after I would have felt so bad After seeing those girls Those girls were so mean They were saying terrible things What's worse than getting beat up by all those girls

Or if the no arm no leg wrestler Just comes out of nowhere Just pins him. There's even a referee who shows up. One, two, three. Yep. Match number two. We got one more story before we get to Holden's segment today.

This is out of Detroit. Oh. Yeah, we're going to all the worst places in the world. They still got newspapers? Every week, man. Detroit, Florida, Africa. Ferndale police arrested a 35-year-old Detroit man they say led officers on a high-speed chase over a $16 Buffalo Wild Wings bill.

I knew I should have gotten the garlic bourbon once. Man, that shit happens at B-dubs, man. It does. I love B-dubs. Ed worked at B-dubs. I think we should mention that here. I worked there for three years, and every Tuesday was 25-cent wing night. And the entire ghetto would just take over Tuesday night.

I love it. And I remember one time. It was just madness. That's where we got to go, Kevin. The only way you can get people. It's a scene. It is a scene. And the way you get people their wings is you scream their name into a microphone.

Literally just yelling as loud as I can into a microphone. No one can hear you. It doesn't matter. And then one time I was sitting up there... Man with no name? No name? A lion. How about it?

That's me. That's me. In his belly. he just goes like thank you I remember one time that man comes out of his mouth but to get everyone

out of there because they'd stay way past they were supposed to be there and so to get everyone out of there we'd spend two dollars

and just play now on the jukebox whipping post live by the Allman Brothers. That's the most racist way to make people who were acting stereotypically black get out of there. It would seriously clear the place

out. It goes without saying, Tuesday wing night was black night. It was so ridiculous, man. Black people weren't even that part of town, but it was Tuesday, 25 cent wings, packed. And I would say, like, I can't support this. People got shot.

It was crazy, man. I love it. Eddie, you worked there. Why is it called BW3s? It was Buffalo's three Ws. Wild wings and weck. And weck. What's weck? It's the kind of bun they put Wings and Weck. And Weck. What's Weck?

It's the kind of bun they put the burger on. Thank fucking Christ. I never knew that. I never knew that shit, man. Thank you. Now you know. Thank you. That's the most informative piece of information we've ever had on the round table.

Always wondered why they call it BW Threats. So this fella, obviously, he could not pay the $16 bill. Yeah, a worker from B-dub What is it called? B-dubs In Ferndale called police Tuesday to report the crime Along with a description of the man and his car Police spotted the car 8 mile in Livernois

And pulled it over at Pembroke They talked to Marlon Cortez Stanfield Giving him the opportunity to go back to the restaurant And pay the bill Instead according to police Stanfield yelled an obscenity at them and sped off. Police chased the car down Livernois and Seven Mile, but ended the pursuit because they knew Stanfield's identity and it was a minor crime.

They arrested him 20 minutes later as he arrived at his home. Why did he get arrested? They just stopped chasing him and just went to his house. Yeah. He thinks he's like, yeah, lost him. Wiping all the sauce off his lips. I mean, this guy, you know, maybe he can't pay for a $16 B-dubs tab, but he's still rich in Detroit.

He has a home. As the mayor, you can just pay with the bedroom. Mayor of Detroit arrestedrested for running on I mean they went to caught him But he was their only customer Here's a picture of Marlon Cortez Stanfield This is too sad

He's a victim $16 I mean how much is he going to pay in fines now Hundreds of This is too sad. He's a victim. He's a victim here. $16. I mean, how much is he going to pay in fines now? Hundreds of, I mean, not hundreds of thousands, but thousands of dollars most likely, right? He's being arraigned on charges of fleeing and eluding and failing to pay the restaurant bill. He's being held by police right now. Can't afford bail. Of course he can.

He can't afford chicken wings. But now he's getting fed at least. I guess that's true. But not sweet, sweet BW chicken wings. $16 is a lot of 25 cent wings. But now he's getting fed at least. I guess that's true. But not sweet, sweet BW chicken wings. $16 is a lot of 25 cent wings. That's a lot of wings. Do you think after every jail lunch, he's like, I'm not paying.

I'm not paying for this. Don't you think I'm paying for this? Goes back to his cell all cocky and shit. He just runs back to his cell after he eats. You know the cheeseburger's afraid. No one's going to chase you. I like the chase. I like the chase.

He's got prior convictions for theft and criminal sexual conduct. He was just pretending one of the Wild Wings was his dick, and he was walking around with it. Who got blue cheese? Who got some blue cheese? I should not have to pay for a hilarious joke I should not now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely

getting busted or close calls it's just stories and bullshit can you put it do you want me to start explain what it is it's just about... Okay, so it's just sharing stories of getting busted,

whether it be the police or... Is there a winner? Teachers. There is a winner. Marcus will decide a winner. Yeah. Based on who sucks the most. Ben wins.

I just win? All right. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holy Mooney Lee. Thank you for being here, Anthony. Thank you for being here,rowski, Ed Larson. Hold me nearly. Thank you for being here, Anthony. Thank you for being here, Adam. So, yeah, I don't know.

Does anybody have... I mean, I'm looking at you, Ed, but either way, stories of getting busted by teachers, cops, parents. Oh, man. I don't even know what to pick. I can only think of really lame things. Really? I'm very lame. Go for it.

So when I was 14... I'm going to guess masturbating. Yes. Next. Sorry. I was... The family computer was put into my room. Oh, well, that's where you put it.

computer was put into my room. Oh, well that's where you put it. Which just became a sea of naughty delights for a 14-year-old me. I didn't even know what porn really was. This is the beginning of the internet, too. I remember I was obsessed with pictures of Psylocke from X-Men with

celebrities' heads put on her. That's what I was jerking off to. It's mostly just Tia Carrere, right? And Angelina Jolie, and then I saw, there was a good one of Alicia Silverstone as Poison Ivy that I furiously beat off to, Jackie. But then you actually, you got to meet her. I did.

Did you tell her? Yes. You know that they take your head and they put it on half-dressed Poison Ivy bodies? And then dudes like me furiously beat off to it. How's your new baby? With this hand that we're shaking with right now. Can I lick your tits?

So at some point I finally broke out. I found the hardcore porn. It was easy to find. I just started looking at it. The big thing that I was obsessed with was lesbian nurses. The lesbians just fucking crawl on each other like a bunch of snakes.

Is that still a thing? No, not much anymore. Now I like just a woman fully dressed sitting in a chair, reading a book. I should probably put my book away. He was staring at me while he said it. You didn't know how to cover up your tits. But I was, so I'm sitting there.

Being real, I think it's a point where you get real cavalier Because before it used to be I would wait until they weren't in the house And then finally I'm just like I can do this, I'm fucking Teflon Don here No one's going to come get me And I went and I started my process

With my hard penis And Jackie I want to ask the process what is the process looking at porn getting hard and i my mom came in the room and in the middle of it so i decided in order to stop i didn't shut off the monitor in a moment of panic my pants are down around my ankles i'm on this thing i just put my hand on the screen like i just put my hand on the screen and like just like pretend like nothing's happening

She's like what's your What are you covering on the screen And I was just like nothing nothing And she's just like what is it What are you covering By the way how are you covering it with one hand Because I had a hand like this and the other hand was cupping my balls But I was like what are you covering

But your hard dick was shooting straight at you Yeah your balls. Can't see my balls. Can't see my balls. I don't care if you see the rest. I don't want you to see these balls. That's a tough one. Decisions you make in a clinch.

Yes. Right? I wasn't on the Navy SEAL Team 6 for these reasons. So I put my hand on the screen and I move it. And then my mom caught me. She's like, you're a sick pig playing with yourself. You sick, you pig, you're a pig. It was pretty gross.

It was pretty bad. What was the porn? It was Asian schoolgirls. Yeah, yeah. I've heard this story before. Munching each other. That's great. I like that, actually.

That's not bad at all. That's why we never talked about sex in our household. No, definitely not. Which, by the way, I've almost gotten caught peeing off so many times in my house, but I'd always lock the door, clearly. But then it was always like, you're doing drugs! Like, that was always the thing.

I'm just like, yeah, mom, I'm real cool. People like me. Yeah, right. I wanted to scream out. You know, I'm just like, I'm just fucking clearly masturbating. Yeah. I'll do mine. We were talking about it last night. That probably helped you while you were masturbating, was your mother screaming at you. Absolutely.

The door was wide open, she's just in a lot of denial. So, mine was that must be some new drug so I was I had broken my leg and my buddy Ben who moved up here from high school he was like I'm gonna fucking

set you up man bring over my two footer bong got a bunch of fucking crazy weed we're gonna just smoke the shit out of my parents are away at work everything's gonna be great I'm miserable because my legs fucked up i got into a terrible car crash totaled my car too so uh we we just packed up the bong it's sitting in the living room we're about to go out into the back deck and smoke it and um see i can see from the like the living room you can see the garage and you can see the car pull in. My dad surprising me or just coming home from work.

Probably, actually, my dad coming home from work just to drink in the middle of the afternoon, probably. By the way. By the fucking way. He's also sneaking into the house. That's the only way all of us got away with everything. My mom, a saint, my brother, my dad and I all just trying to get away

with the fucked up shit we were trying to get away with. At all times. At all fucking times. So that's like the gambit. You know, we're all looking at each other like, can I bust him for his drinking? But no, you know, he can't bust me for my fucking weed smoking and drinking. And so my dad's like, you can see him sort of walking out. I run to go hide the bong bag.

My buddy Ben goes to hide the bong, but we're running around. I'm on crutches, though. I find a way to somehow, like, adrenaline pump kind of situation, like the mother lifting the car up to save her baby. I, like, manage to fucking very fastly, like, stash the bong bag. My dad can see through a different window, me doing that. He comes in and he's like what's going on in here? I'm like cigarettes! I'm smoking

cigarettes, father! Very badly. Seriously. And then he's like show me the cigarettes. So I walk over to a clearly cylindrical two foot bong bag sitting in the dining room. Let me get my microscope out of the way.

My friend's new purse that I have created. And I reach my hand and hoping that Christ Ben has put a pack of cigarettes in this bag. I pull my hand out. I find a pack of cigarettes, pull my hand out,

but in between my fingers is an empty weed bag. I'm like, and just throw it back in. My dad's just like, alright, go to your room. I think this all comes down to, by the way, I just don't want to fucking deal with this shit.

I'm just trying to give you exactly what I want to do. I'm going to honor him home. Watch C-SPAN and get fucking hammered. Call into C-SPAN Hammered and go to sleep. I faked getting food poisoning so I could come home at three in the afternoon.

So he's like, all right, go to your room. So now we have to get the bong from the downstairs to the upstairs. I'm a fucking idiot. We're trying to get upstairs, and I go first. Ben's holding the bong, and he's just like, I should have gotten first. And it was like a dream. It was like in slow motion. Me trying to get up these stairs in these crutches were right by my father's room

where he is right there secretly pouring himself a Jack and Coke. Get up! Get up! Get up! And I mean, the saddest part was I didn't get to fucking smoke the weed that I needed to smoke. And nowadays, I feel like if I were back there in high school, I could have claimed medicinal. And, you know, I wouldn't have thought of that

until, you know, things changed with the world. But I would have been like, medicinally, my fucking leg needs weed. Yeah, that's a good point. Got away with it. But I mean, there was a lot of that shit. I also was like uh smoking resin hits under the covers in my room like late at night thinking that that would

mask the weed smell and my mom came in because she like heard noises and she's like what are you doing nothing like it's clearly stinks of resin and she's just like well yeah she was just hoping you were masturbating have Have a good night. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I just went back down. I mean,

my parents were like in drug denial with me. It was so funny. Well, they also thought you were very handsome too. So I think they were, they were in a denial about a lot of things. He's so talented. He's so handsome.

Yeah. What's up with you, Anthony? Um, when I was in third grade, uh, there was a kid named Rick Carbone who I fought every day. Every single day.

I was like four foot tall forever. And Rick was this Dixlexic kid. Did he have legs and arms? It was a pussy. It was a woman. It was a pussy. His name was Kerr.

I fought this woman for like a whole year. I just always call that dick slacksick. Why are you crying about having a girlfriend, huh? So Rick, there was a rumor that he had said something about my mother. So I was like, fuck this kid. I'm going to fight him every day. So every day they would lock me in the coat closet with Rick. And I'd shut the lights like a villain. Like it was just like, it's in the coat closet with Rick and I'd shut the lights like a villain.

Who's just like, it's time to die now, Rick. I would shut the lights. I swear to God, at some points you could see a crawling hand with me shutting the door and I would just be the shit out of this kid. I have a terrible psychotic temper, which

is crazy. Embarrassing. I watched too much professional wrestling as a kid like people like I would say things to people like yeah but you don't understand I'm not of this world you can hit me all you want but you'll do no damage that's everyone that's his credit that people have to say before he gets up on his knees. Your next comedian is not of this world. He made me say it. So I fought this kid every day for a year.

And then he, to get back at me, he said that I called our teacher, Missing Gianni, a bitch. But Rick is dyslexic. He didn't know how to spell bitch. So he wrote a note that said, Missing Gianni is a batch. And then he fucking put it like like on her desk really organized except for one sign my name so then miss ingiani and this is the thing you need to know about me as well i'm an excellent speller so that fucking should have been a dead giveaway the guy who took second place in the spelling bee or the dyslexic kid fucking wrote it so mr gianni was like like, Anthony, is there something you want to call me?

Like in the middle of class. And I was like, no. Like, you're an excellent teacher. I got no problems with you. Like, whatever. And she goes, you called me this. And she was like, you could at least spell it right. And then she made me spell bitch in front of the whole class.

Cool. Nice. So, yeah. Cool, yeah. That's the first time you got the legally right bitch. On a chalkboard. That's like all we want to do. She's like a horrible teacher. Like who the fuck is doing that? That's insane to do

for a kid. So I called. I was like B-I-T-C-H. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Principal walked in and she's just a teacher. Now call me a dirty twat. She was like like that or something. Now beat me. Hit me. I'd love to see the principal walk in.

There's just a teacher and a student at the chalkboard and it just says like fuck, bitch, twat. I'm like, what the hell are you doing? Yeah, like,

why does half the class have gag balls in their mouth? What's going on? So did you get away with it? No, I said it and then I think I did tell her that. I was like,

yeah, Rick clearly did it. Like, he can't... Rick once asked to abbreviate on a spelling test who do you think did it he generally did that so you just beat up the school retard every day in the classroom

you know what's funny is every time like if I ever tell that story I really try to curb it where I'm the victim but yeah that's what I'm saying you beat up the school retard and then got in trouble for calling the teacher a bitch. You didn't even, like, that's way less bad than beating up a kid.

You said something about my mom. Maybe. I know kids like you. Kids like you used to beat the shit out of me. I was that kid! But also at the same time the school retard got one over on you. Yeah. He was dyslexic. He was probably talking about his own mom.

You ever thought mom was the only word he could actually say properly? Has anybody else got something? I don't know. Cigarette-wise, I used to steal thousands and thousands of dollars worth of cigarettes with my friend, Jared. And then we got away with that. We were on Crime Stoppers. And what was the other one there got away with that. We were on Crime Stoppers. And what was the other one there? Wait, what do you mean you were on Crime Stoppers?

We got on Crime Stoppers with the TV show. They said people are stealing cigarettes, but then they didn't know who they were. Oh, okay. But we got away with it. Wow, and you were the mysterious cigarette thieves? We were good. We were very close. In hindsight, I was 16, 17.

In hindsight, I was very close to committing armed robbery. Yeah, man. You peaked early. We had knives and everything. We were ready to go. We were going to go rob a liquor store and stuff. Did you keep them in your ass? Only the knives. Because you've got to smoke a cigarette when you're tense.

But yeah, there was that. There was another cigarette-related story as well that I forget now. Did you grow up inside a prison? No. I was a terrible... Cigarettes are easy to eat. Yeah.

No, I know, but this was before they had them behind the counter, so they're all on the outside of the counter. So I would just do a song and dance and really entertain, and then Jared would just clear tons, I mean hundreds, hundreds of packs of cigarettes. Oh, you were the smooth talker, which is why every bodega we walk into, you always immediately get them talking about pussy and partying. They love to talk about it. Then he makes them refill his coffee four times. Yeah. Why not?

They don't know my game. I've never been busted for the major crimes that I have committed. Me neither, man. I'm very, very fortunate for that. I did almost get arrested for arson. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, me and my cousin, for some reason, decided to light a dumpster on fire.

We didn't think that it was actually going to go up. It's an awesome thing to do. It was really fun. We were just kind of fucking around, throwing matches into this full dumpster. And we were on a college campus we think it was really gonna ignite throwing the fire into garbage right me and my cousin then we we were on a college campus because my brother was running a track meet there I bet you were in Texas, the driest fucking state in the whole.

Oh, we were in Texas. Yeah. And so we just threw a bunch of matches into the dumpster and then went across the street to a tennis court and found a tennis court just kind of spazzed out with a tennis ball for a while. Okay. Like a couple of dogs. Yeah, what happens? Exactly like a couple of dogs. have a friend with you during this or were you alone it was my cousin so he had to be my friend

and then we look and we're fucking around for a while and then we just hear a loud pop and we look over in the dumpster there's just these huge flames up probably 10, 15 feet in the air. And all of these aerosol cans inside are just exploding. We're like, oh, God. And then we try running away. And then one of the college people came and caught us. That was your mistake was running, man. I was in a similar situation.

We somehow, that's why I don't have a story of us getting caught. Somehow we managed to do a ton of crazy shit. And half of it, I was barely involved. I just got thrown into it. But I'm talking about dudes getting drunk and robbing a house. Right, literally. And no, there was never any repercussions. I remember there was this one time, for a while, I was like a year, I was living on my friend's couch.

And I had my own house that I paid rent at. I just lived on their couch because I didn't have a car and they just would drive me places. So I was living on my friend's couch, and I had my own house that I paid rent at, but I just lived on their couch because I didn't have a car, and they just would drive me places. So I was living on their couch, and I remember we were in a neighborhood across the street, and we found a refrigerator by a dumpster, and we didn't know how we could get it. We wanted to get that refrigerator, of course, but we couldn't get it. And then we get back to the apartment, and like an hour later,

our other friends show up in a pickup truck with that same refrigerator. I don't know how they came across it. They didn't even know about it. And we decide we're going to take it up to the third story balcony and throw it off.

That's a good idea. We were carrying it up and we only get up to the second floor and then it slips out of our hands and it falls and it almost crushes

one of our friends. It just lands on the ground. So like, alright, we're going to set this shit on fire. So we set the refrigerator on fire and it's going up and uh i

remember it was like it was like wintertime till i think at that time till i was like real cold it was like down is that the part of the woods where everyone used to dump all their furniture no this is like villa de lago we weren't in the woods we were in an apartment complex okay the part of which they dumped all their appliances yeah i remember it was like finals week and shit and uh we like shut off the power to the entire building across the street. We found out the grids were on the outsides. We shut off all of their power. And people are like cold as shit.

And the fire is going like crazy. The woman on the third floor on the breathing machine died. I remember it was like the fires are going crazy and these kids walk up. They're like, man, it's so cold. Our power shut off. We saw you guys had a fire going. Is it cool if we hang out? They're like, yeah, man. So you became heroes.

It seems like a weird Captain Morgan commercial. But then I remember at some point in the fire, there's all types of chemicals in the refrigerator. It's smelling real weird. And then the fire's going like, yeah, it's about 10, 15 feet. It's starting to get up into the trees. And all of a sudden, you see security shows up. I remember it was just me and one other dude

standing there at one point and he runs up and he's like, who would do this? Who? Yeah, like the villain for like a white villain in a black comedy. It's just,

I can't believe these kids. But I just stood there and I was like, listen, sir, man, I came out here because I was worried about my building. But I remember it was like, listen, sir, man, I came out here because I was worried about my building. But I remember it was like for like a month and a half after that,

they're doing like they're trying to investigate, and the Tallahassee Police Department is just completely inept. So they were going into everybody's apartment door by door and seeing who was missing a refrigerator because obviously that would be who did it. Henry, can we ask you for a favor? Can you be Detective Popcorn knocking on the door looking for a refrigerator? Excuse me, ma'am. I couldn't help but notice that you're over the refrigerator, man.

I remember the dudes that lived in one of the rooms up there, they had set up a rope that whenever anybody was there, there was this rope that hung from the balcony and no one was allowed to go up the stairs. You had to climb the rope up to the second story. You're going to get up there.

They were walking around. They took the rope down and they were dusting it for Prince and trying to see. We took the refrigerator down on the rope. It made no sense. Just completely in that. Nothing came from it. It was shit like that. It's so funny.

That is funny. I'm sure we all got to piss and get out of here, but Jackie, Adam, anything? Man, I didn't get in trouble. I got arrested the first time I ever smoked weed, but my parents never found out about it. I got away with everything my brother used to get busted for everything though he's like two years younger than me he like uh him and his friend one time were uh this was in georgia they were just like smoking cigarettes at like age 15 at like a state

park right and they like well yeah they there's like there's hanging out of the park smoking cigarettes and my brother just like flicked a cigarette And it ignited Like a dry field And he burned Like two square miles Of like a state park And it's like We had like moved

That's just bad luck Yeah No he's smoking cigarettes As like a 15 year old It's like not that big Of a deal No But burning down to

Like square miles Of a state park Is like a huge fucking deal And so like We and like they just got they like called the police because they didn't know what to do and so they called the police on themselves oh yeah yeah yeah all right i'm done with it no so that's how they got busted and then the other thing we moved to like arrested we moved from like new hampshire to georgia when

i was like 15 and my brother was like 13 the first friend that my brother made they went it was like a nice subdivision they went to the clubhouse where like the pool is and everything and uh they went in there and found like a fire extinguisher and just destroyed the clubhouse like two weeks into living in this to my place and of course they got there's like cameras and stuff all over it so they got busted too and it was just horribly embarrassing for my parents because they had moved to the subdivision all these fucking copping bag of yankees coming down here and destroying our clubhouses. You know, subdivisions have newsletters and shit like that. And it's like, new resident's son destroys the clubhouse and stuff like that.

It was like, my brother used to get in trouble. General Sherman reincarnated. Meanwhile, you're like fucking a prostitute and doing heroin. No, that's the thing. In the living room. carnated. Meanwhile, you're like fucking a prostitute and doing heroin. In the living room. I had gotten arrested. The first time I ever smoked pot was I was like 17. I was late doing it. It was in Tennessee on spring break.

Me and some dudes were camping. For whatever reason, there were five of us. Three of the guys ended up being like it was all ours. It wasn't the other two's. I was one of the other two's, so they never told. up being like it was all ours it wasn't the other twos and I was one of the other twos so they never told they never like reported it

they took it from us even we spent a night in jail but they never found out but like I was getting away with all sorts of stuff like that and my brother was just getting busted for everything

so like I grew up as like the good kid he fucked himself over calling the cops I mean who does that yeah you're just scared that you're gonna destroy

the fort that's why they called because like it's on fire like out of control it's either I mean, who does that? Well, you're just scared that you're going to destroy the fort. That's why they called. Because it's on fire, like out of control. It's either we can get away with this, or this just burns the state of Georgia. You're destroying Ferngull. Wait until it eats the peaches, and then that'll wet it all up. All right, well, Jackie's about to get busted for pissing her pants.

Marcus, who wins the podcast? Who wins the podcast? I don't know. I like your story, but you're a dick. Keep in mind, I suffered no repercussions. That is true. Pretty much none of us did. Actually, yeah.

Ed went to jail. Yeah, Ed went to jail, so he definitely loses. Well, I didn't even tell his story. Oh, Ed's one thing. Ed just loses. It is one thing. He loses. I was going to mention it, but Eddie didn't pipe up about it. I did go to jail, yeah, so I lose.

I am Ben Kissel. Thank you, Henry Zebrowski. It's good to be back in New York City. Anthony DeVito will talk to you very soon. I almost almost killed somebody while drinking.