The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 137: My Day Outfit

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 137th episode of the Round Table: a child eats a used condom at McDonald's, a couple is arrested for trying to fraud a donut shop by placing razors in the product, and a man in a wheelchair with one leg manages to steal a car.

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are we ready to go? Yeah. At least Brian.

All right, everybody. Get your prayer hats on. Take your shoes off. Pull out the rug. Look at the sun. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Amen. Amen. Amen. Going international this week. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Slightly more racist than Bugs Bunny during the old Korean War days. See, it's racist, but you don't know to who.

That's the thing. It could be to anybody. No. Hey, Eddie. Some of my best friends are Polish, Eddie. That was rude, Eddie. I didn't like it. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody.

Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. We have had that. We've got that beautiful girl over there. Who is that? Oh, I'm beautiful. I'm the lovely, wonderful, talented Amber Nelson. Yay!

Smells like shit! Amber Nelson. Holder McNeely, I am brutally hungover, so win. So it's just another Sunday. Another Sunday. I gotta stop drinking wine, my friend. Makes me feel bad the next day.

Replacing Kevin Barnett, we have this beautiful young fellow over there to my right. Louis Katz. Thank you for being here, Louis. My pleasure. And the murder-fist phenom, Walter Repogloth. Phenom, that's correct. Thank you. Thank you for being here.

How you doing, Walter? I'm doing great, buddy. You look wonderful and you look warm. I am very warm. It's delicious. Describe what you're wearing right now. I'm wearing my wonderfully long, just recently learned green cardigan. Okay.

Yeah. Walter is colorblind, so he thought it was brown. I thought it was brown. Okay. But I dressed for St. Paddy's Day without even knowing it. Yeah, he was like, that was how it came out. He was like, yeah, I was picking. I was like, should I wear green today?

And I was like, ah, fuck it. I'm not. And I'm like, you are wearing a huge green shirt. Horribly, utterly colorblind. Perfect. You have a dog's eyes. In my back, yeah. Oh my God.

And that's when I knew Ed was going to marry me. You got dog's eyes. Could you propose? Yes. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got, buddy? A mother is suing McDonald's after she claimed her two-year-old son ate a used condom he found in the chain's play area. Oh!

How'd she find out about it? Did he poop it out? Uh, he... It's probably the most healthy thing you could eat at a McDonald's. How did she know it was used? I mean, it had cum in it. Yeah, they found the condom. She said that her son, Jaquel, later coughed up a piece of the condom.

That's amazing. I mean, he gnashed it to pieces. That's a tough kid with sharp teeth. What do you think? It was like a vein or something just chewing on it? That's a tough kid with sharp teeth. What, did he think it was like a vein or something? Just chewing on it?

So this wasn't like, was this delivered to him in a meal? Or was this in the play area? So people were banging in the fucking jumbo gym. Oh, it was in the play area. Yeah, that's the thing. The fucking dirty kid. Sue the kid. You're assuming this happened in the ball pit?

It's gotta be. The ball pit is one of the most filthiest things in the known world. Kids are pissing in there. They're shitting in there. Fucking in there, apparently. Right? So, I mean. They found snakes in there one time.

Ooh. Well, that's an assistant manager semen. I mean, that kid really had a nice taste. Well, McDonald's says that surveillance did not uncover any, quote, deviant activities. Yeah, we just saw a couple of people fucking in the ball pit. They were making love. That was fine. And they were being safe about it. So here at McDonald's

we really like our employees to keep their heads, whatever. I don't fucking know. But I did, when I was a kid I went to the ball pit I always thought they had water in them and it turns out the one that I went to in Portage County just had piss in it all the time. I always thought they had water in them, and it turns out the one that I went to in Portage County just had piss in it all the time. I always thought they had water.

Oh, my gosh. That's fucked up. You didn't pee in the ball pit? I never, no. You look like a peer. No. Why? Why would you say that?

You always choose the biggest kid. That happened to me so much. But you were probably. The biggest kid's the one who farted. He's the one who poo-pooed. Well, were you ever not the one who farted? I was never the one who poo-pooed. Well, were you ever not the one who farted? I was never the one who poo-pooed.

That's the tar-tar kid. Yes. You ever play in the ball pit? What was your favorite activity in those McDonald's play lands, Amber? Oh, they used to have these, God, what are those horrible trolls that were their men, whatever you call them? Yeah. Like the Hamburglar, stuff like that? Yeah, the Hamburglar.

And they had little seesaw deals. You'd get on it and it'd bounce around. Yeah. You know. Like the Hamburglar, stuff like that. Yeah, the Hamburglar. And they had like little seesaw deals. You'd get on it and it'd bounce around. And that was fun. And then your uncle would touch your pootie butts. Is everything okay? I don't know. Marcus just, it would have been so much quicker to use words. Yeah.

Marcus was just miming for Walter to do something. I like miming. So I'm sorry, you were saying pootie butts. Yeah, they had pootie butts. Thank you. Hold it. I did find a, you were saying pootie butts. Yeah, they had pootie butts. Thank you. Hold it. I did find a teddy bear in my room the other day, and I realized that my uncle gave it to me when I was like 20.

Is that weird? Yes. Yes. How old was your uncle? Is it weird? Because I had a teddy bear that I was going to give to my 18-year-old, but my 18-year-old cousin, I didn't give it to her because I was like, ah, this might be weird.

Definitely weird, yeah. So I just kept it. I just left it there. Well, what if it's like an occasion teddy bear? What if it says, like, happy Valentine's Day? No, it's like a soft teddy bear that I'm supposed to lay with in my bed. Was, like, the crotch ripped out of it, or was that intact? Covered in blood and urine. That's good.

Just a picture of his face on the teddy bear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was your reaction when he gave you the teddy bear? I said, oh, thanks, you know, whatever. And then he was like, oh, use it. Yeah, he's asleep with it. Yeah, you, yeah. What was your reaction when he gave you the teddy bear? I said, oh, thanks. You know, whatever. And then he was like, oh, use it. Yeah, he's like,

Yeah, you're going to like this at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like 50. He's very creepy. Eddie, you made a very good decision not giving your 18-year-old

niece a teddy bear. Well, it was a panda. All right, so she's obsessed with panda bears. I was at the San Diego Zoo and I just lost panda bears, so I picked up a panda bear. Okay, I think it's a little

different if she's obsessed with panda bears. Yeah. It's okay. I left it there. I felt it was weird, so I just lost panda bears, so I picked up a panda bear. Okay, I think that's a little different if she's obsessed with panda bears. It's okay. I left it there. I felt it was weird, so I just left it. I don't really understand why it's weird. I feel like it's a thing you give to a child. You definitely have to be in the position of power when you deliver a teddy bear to somebody.

I mean, who is thrilled to see a teddy bear? Is it a power to deliver a teddy bear? You don't give a teddy bear to a peer. You're not like, hey, you graduated college. Here's a teddy bear to a peer you're not like hey you graduated college here's a teddy bear then are you speaking in

pedophile terms yes yes that's what I'm saying pedophiles give teddy bears to children

absolutely it's a great way to get laid if you want to fuck a child but your point

was that she was old too old for it which makes it creepy because then it seems like he wants to bang her

and thinks that she's just a small child. I don't know. I think that's a lot of stuff going on in your head. I just feel like it's a creepy gift. The teddy bear is an odd thing to give someone. Do I give her the bear or not? You don't give it to her.

Don't give it. Give her the bear. No. Amber says no, so I'm going with her. She's into panda bears. What are you going to get her? A picture of a panda bear? That would be lovely.

A drawing of a panda bear? That would be lovely. I feel like I can't even buy a child a gift anymore because of this show. I'm going to be accused of raping them. You can't do it. Ben, what is an acceptable gift for Ed to give his 18-year-old? An 18-year-old? A card?

A keg of beer? That's a very nice thing. A pack of cigarettes.old, a card, a keg of beer, that's a very nice thing. A pack of cigarettes. A pack of cigarettes. Here, get really drunk. It says less that I want to fuck you than here's a fucking bear. I mean, come on. Yeah, because a teddy bear, I feel like a teddy bear you take to bed with you. Who's cuddling with their camels at night? No, I mean, a teddy bear is a very intimate thing.

The teddy sees you nude. You know, the teddy touches your tits as you sleep. I mean, nobody caresses a corona before they go to bed. I might, yeah, that is true. So get her cigarettes. Get her cigarettes. Get her beer and cigarettes. That's between 18-year-old niece.

Am I right, Amber? Second of all, gift that keeps on giving. You don't have to think of another gift again. You get her on cigarettes. Every year you can just keep getting her cigarettes. From now on. Uncle Eddie, a carton. You're so awesome.

Cousin Eddie. Cousin Eddie. Whatever. So what's happening with this McDonald's? Are they- Yeah, of course. I mean, McDonald's is going to win this lawsuit because McDonald's wins every lawsuit. Do they?

Didn't they lose the hot coffee lawsuit? Oh, yeah, that's right. They straight up lost the fucking- That was the 80s, though, before we really knew how to do lawsuits right. Yeah, that's the thing. That's the thing. Yes though, before we really knew how to do lawsuits right. Yeah, that's the thing. Yes, McDonald's spokesman said, Providing a safe, clean environment is a top priority for us.

This restaurant is no exception. We take these matters seriously and investigate all claims to gather the facts. At the time the lawsuit was filed, we had not completed our investigation, and at no time have we been given the alleged object in question to examine. I had a buddy who used to do that stupid shit where he would just pick things up off the ground and eat it. When we were kids, he would just pick things up and put it in his mouth and chew on them for a while. Just anything.

He would just put his hand on the ground and reach, literally anything, until one day he did it with a cockroach. And he never did it again. What? Did he know that he... No, he didn't know. He just literally wasn't looking and had his hand on the ground. He grabbed a cockroach and he put it in his mouth. And then he just like...

You saw the fear come over his face. Did it tend to work? Did he tend to get big laughs for it? No, it wasn't a laugh thing. It was a neural fixation thing. Really? Well, you learn that at a young age because babies and children, they have the most

receptors for touch in their mouth. So they constantly want to like... Yeah, I know all about it. That's to build up so they don't have allergies and stuff, right? So they get exposed to all these things. So put as many things into your child's mouth as humanly possible. Hopefully not a used

condom from McDonald's, but you know, that's okay. He's not going to be allergic to latex. That's right. Nor semen. I was supposed to say cure AIDS in the kid immediately. Yeah, yeah, definitely. What were you going to say, Amber? Oh, I like how they're talking about cracking down on this investigation. I mean, well, there's some kid doing whippets in the freezer.

Oh, we're going to get to the bottom of it. I got it all figured out. It was me. It's always me. Well, that's very exciting. You know, he's probably like, he's such a loser. Like, if you're going to go bring a girl to have sex at the ball pit at McDonald's, I want to think that they're probably, the reason they didn't find anything is that he just jerked off into a condom. Because, like, what girl's going to, like, literally go to the ball pit?

The girl on the fries that you've been making eyes at from over you yeah but you're in a condom with that girl or like two 14 year olds who you know have nothing to do after school and so they're just banging in the ball yeah i mean if you if you're in a mcdonald's playland i would argue that the ball pit is the most romantic location to have sex you can't have sex on the slide uh i mean i feel like yeah what do you got you got some sort of rope like activity i think the ball pit's soft and sensitive and sweet it really have sex on the slide. I mean, I feel like, what do you got? You got some sort of rope-like activity? I think the ball pit's soft and sensitive and sweet. It's like fucking on the beach. What about the toilet? Oh, fucking on the beach is a horrible idea. Well,

it's actually worse than the ball pit. Because you can get sand in your vagina. And I don't know if this makes any difference, but this all happened in Chicago. Okay. You ever have sex on the beach, Louie? I'm scared. I feel so vulnerable.

There's like, I'm fucking and then I can't run away. I can't see what's going on. You can't do your usual sprint away. Gotcha! And run away. I don't even like having candles in the room because I feel like I'm going to catch on fire. Seriously, so I can't fuck on the beach. We have to say it.

Every time you come on the show, you are so fucking Jewish. I don't know, man. 72 degrees. I got my night outfit on. She has her day outfit on because I like to watch her in her day outfit. Anyway, she takes off her day outfit first.

I keep on my night outfit until the next day. That's okay, though. So you've only had sex in a bed? No, I've had sex in public places, but at the beaches, I feel like I've got to... Are you standing up? I want to stand up and keep my pants on. I've fucked in crazy places. Like where?

I've fucked in a bus. In the bus bathroom. I've fucked in a... In a bus bathroom? How do you... Wow. I cannot, for the life of me, piss in the toilet in a bus situation. Yeah, well, you're a full two foot taller than Lou.

Yeah, yeah. No, I understand that. But how do you fuck in the bus bathroom? You stand up, you kind of hunch over. Okay. It's hard to see through podcasts, but... Did she enjoy that? Yeah, I mean, we were like, high five each other.

Yeah, we did the bus. That's amazing. And then we fucked in a church at an airport. You know, an airport church. What? An airport church. In an airport chapel. That's awesome.

Good for you, man. I want to do this bus thing, though. It's like the Mile High Club at the 60 mile per hour club. I mean, that's amazing. I've jacked off on a plane, of course. And everyone's on that. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I do it all the time.

I've never beat off on a plane. No, I can't. No, it's awesome. I'll do it next time. I never thought to do it I'm always too high on Xanax Suggly in your seat Or in the bathroom

No never in my seat In the bathroom Which is awesome though Because you realize There's a hundred people Like two inches in front of me There's a hundred people Two inches

Or maybe behind You know what I mean And we're all traveling so fast And we're just in this steel thing And you walk out of this closet Into this crowd And you're just jacked off In that closet.

That shit is crazy, man. So you want to take the American Airlines because it's like, come fly the friendliest guys. I'm like, I always do. You ever masturbate in the airplane, Amber?

I've masturbated at work. Oh, okay. Now, were you in the bathroom or were you in public? Because one of the benefits of being a lady, you can do that praying mantis scissoring

type thing. I've heard about it. I've heard of it. What is this praying mantis? Youoring type thing. I've heard about it. I've heard of it. What is this praying mantis? You rub your legs together really quick. If it doesn't catch on fire, you come. Yeah, that's true. I know.

I know. This is a true thing. It doesn't catch on fire. I promise you. You just blew Amber's mind. The room is starting to smoke. Amber, what are your legs up to? Are you a wizard?

Jesus Christ. Eater. Eat the wizard! What was the masturbation experience for you like at work? Oh, you know, I was just kind of bored and I was like, oh God, I guess I'll go to the bathroom. This was a desk job? Yeah, it was a desk job. One time I masturbated in my friend's bed while she was at work. And another

friend was there and I said, hey, because I was like, you know, stopping on the sex for a while because I was with some bad guys. And I was like, I want to discover myself first before I get involved or whatever. Beautiful. So I'm about to go to a party

and I'm like, you know what? I'm going to rub one out before I go or else I'm going to fuck some awful guy. So I said this to a friend. Jesus Christ. I love it. It's just the ad. Yeah, dude.

Yeah, that's the thing. I'm like, what's happening with my vision right now? How did you guys change souls? So I said to my friend who's there, I was like, hey, I'm going to go masturbate and shot his bed. And then he was like, okay, okay. You told it to a dude? It was a dude.

He was just like by the door sweating. Oh my God. How do I watch him? Pull me in there. To like, oh man, she definitely needs me. The next thing you hear is you screaming in there. She's like, oh, man. She definitely needs me. Next thing you hear, she's screaming in pleasure. He was gay. He was gay.

Oh, man. So I'm in there, and I'm going, and she gets home early. She gets home early, and I'm about to come, but then I hear her, and I was like, should I leave, or should I just finish up? And I was like, no, I'm going to finish up. And then I hear him stopping her and saying something, and then her just laughing. And then I finished in her bed and walked out and was like,

hey. Jack off to that story. That's not what it's about. Actually, there's a name for it. It's called hat wrecking. Hat wrecking? Yeah,

when you do it, it's either in someone else's room or you do it in someone else's house in all of the rooms. It's called hat wrecking. Awesome.

Yeah. Nice. That sounds like a very difficult thing to do. Jack off in every room in somebody's house. You have to come in every room do. You jack off in every room in somebody's house? You have to come in every room? Or just touch it in every room?

No, you have to masturbate. Are you supposed to do it all in one day? No, it's like you... It's like you're staying there for a week? Yeah. A bunch of friends of ours from college used to do it. Really? Louis, you're slightly more neurotic.

We can agree with that. You find out that your best friend is jacking off in your bed. Let's say it's me. What's worse for us? And he's not a bunch. He's covered in salami. Covered in salami because you've got to come on something. Would you just allow me to finish or are you barging in?

I think the difference between a man masturbating in your bed versus a woman masturbating. I think there's the sloppy mess at the end. I don't want your cum all over my sheets. That's the part where that really bothers me. But I understand's the sloppy mess at the end. I don't want your cum all over my sheets. That's the part where that really bothers me. But I understand you've got to get a nut. Like, we're sharing a room, and you've got to jack off.

You jack off. I don't care. Okay. You know, we're buddies. Yeah, whatever. It's very nice. Amber, did you squirt on the bed, or was it a relatively clean cum? Oh, it's clean. I'm not a squirter.

I feel like the women that squirt are kind of crazy. Oh, they're trash. They're all trash. And ladies and gentlemen, welcome Jackie Zabrowski. She's a little late tonight. See, but like, what about like puddling? Because like, you don't have to squirt, but you know, you're still coming. So the, you puddled out there.

Yeah. One time a chick did that. She was riding on me and that happened. I literally thought she shitted herself. Cause it was like, and she just felt all the, all the stuff came out. And I just, and I thought it was more solid or something. And I was like, oh, should we stop? You know, whatever. But she was like, you just felt all the stuff came out. And I thought it was more solid or something. And I was like, oh, should we stop? You know, whatever.

But she was like, is there something wrong? And she just like wet all over me. We just need to replace the word thought with wished. I literally wished she shit herself. Jackie, just to get you up to date, Amber was jacking off in her friend's bed. Her friend came over and Amber finished up and her friend was fine with it. What do you think about that? Why were you in her bed?

Because I was about to go to a party and I didn't know what I had to say. You did it in the fucking bathroom. That's a better idea. The bathroom. Always a good idea. Yeah, that is true. If you have the option to be comfortable. Yeah, that's the thing, right? I feel like for a chick she needs

pillows. No, just sit on the toilet. Yeah, sit on the toilet. You just open up your legs and you just stick your fingers in. Jackie is miming the most disgusting motion I've ever seen in my life, everybody. God damn it. That's great. Man, back in college, I was trying to hook up with this chick for two years. I finally got her back to the place.

It was a miracle that I got her back. Did you tell her she had dog's eyes? She got a dog's eyes, lady. No, but I finally got her back to the place. And we're back. We get her back to my room. And we open the door to my room. And my roommate is beating off on my bed.

What? What? Yeah, it's true to God. Like, at your bed or on your bed? On my bed, watching porno. Watching porn, right? Yeah, he's watching porn. For this story?

For this yarn? And then I'm like, oh, my fucking God. You know, right? Yeah, he's watching porn. For this story? For this yarn? And then I'm like, oh my fucking God. So she's laughing. It's obviously not happening now. No way. And so we're out in the living room just waiting for him. Like, come on out, bro. Come on.

And then he denies the whole thing. But you saw his cock in hand. Yeah, yeah. We saw him beating off. Was his naked ass? And the porno was on the television. Oh, my God. He denied the whole thing in front of her,

and then, like, a week later, he finally admits it. And I'm like, why are you doing that? Like, why are you jerking off in my room? You have a room. Yeah. He's like, you're the only one with a VCR. Borrow my VCR. Yeah, take your VCR.

Always take the VCR. Isn't that, like, a setup for a threesome, though? Not a good threesome with Eddie's new mate. I love this chick. Jesus Christ, Walter. Not everyone's a sexual deviant. That is not a good setup for a threesome. That man was about to come anyway.

That threesome would have been over in two seconds for him. Bringing a girl home. His friend is jerking off in the bed. Then he turns to you and goes, what do you think? Yeah, exactly. That would have been worse

if you just looked at the dude and you were like, exactly as planned, my friend. I'd promise I'd bring one home. Perfect.

Good to see you're all warmed up. Just waiting in your room with his dick in his hand waiting for the door to open. He's like, okay, it's go time.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Jackie, you're going to walk out of a room. You walk into a room with a fella. You find a fella

jacking off in there and they want to have a three-way with you. What are you going to do? I don't know about dude-dude three-way. Yeah, it's gross.

I think I would be weirded out. I'd rather have a three-way with another girl. Ew, really? Yeah. Really?

Uh-oh, Amber, you want the double dick. I'd rather have that. A vagina's disgusting to me. The problem is I'm here. I'm going to put

a dick in your mouth while one is fucking you and I never want to have a dick in my mouth while I'm getting fucked in my pussy. How do you know that? Yeah.

I know what a dick in my mouth feels like. What if he's just slapping it on your head? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What, you're going doink, doink? Yeah, yeah.

Doink, doink, doink, doink. I'll do that. Okay, cool. I think every girl and gay dude, as speaking as one, should experience an Eiffel Tower at some point in their life. Yeah, and you've had a couple of Eiffels in your day. I've had one. Nice.

Why did you have to think so long about that? What? Why did you have to think so long about that? You've got to think about it. Making sure. He's had a couple of Roman Colosseums. He's had a few. This is different. A couple of leaning tower

appeases. I definitely had one Eiffel Tower. I know all about that. I know all about it. Do you make the full Eiffel? Do you high five? What? Yeah, you high five. You really do do the high five? yeah you high five you really do do the high five

they're demonstrating it now guys this is hilarious the high five is actually more fun than locking the fingers that's just weird do you play slap games too? yeah yeah if I was doing it I'd want to draw like tits on her back.

Hey, what's Eddie doing? He's doodling. Kind of a fun thing. I think it's tits. He's so bad at it that I can't tell. Just want to see him. All right, Marcus, what's another? So you can turn her around,

right? A Louisville man was arrested for allegedly frightening a woman and other nearby people when he licked a woman's neck and screamed, I am not a pedophile! I am a rapist! I mean, he knows what he is. That's right.

I think that what I found so funny about this was that he admits to being a rapist, but then you think, yeah, but you're not a pedophile. Yeah, he's got standards. It's nice. It's always nice to list the worst thing, a worse thing than what you are. Yeah.

You know? Which is, you know, pedophiles are the worst things on earth. Licking someone on the neck isn't a rape, technically, right? Is it? It might be sexual assault. It might be a sexual assault. Yeah, it could be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he licked her

in front of a liquor store. He's taunting. He writes for the New York Post. He saw her and he thought of it and he's like, I have to do it. I have to lick her. It's liquor, man.

I just wish he would have done it and then stood up and goes, you know, I barely even know her. He just takes all signs as directions of what to do. Hindsight's 20-20. I've been

going in and out of this In-N-Out Burger all day. I don't know what the fuck to do about it. What would you do, Amber? Somebody comes up to you and licks you but says, he's not a pedophile, he's just a rapist. How are you going to feel? I'd probably maybe punch him in his face. Sure.

Depending on how big he was. Maybe I'd just run in the liquor store and be like, help, help, and no one would help me. No, definitely not. They'd put him up to it. They wouldn't give a shit. Louisville? Yeah, yeah. Definitely not. I just feel like I wasn't good enough to be raped. You think so?

You're just going to lick me then if you're a rapist? If you are a rapist... If you sit there and ask for it, it's not rape, Jackie. That's the problem. You'll never be raped if you're always asking for it. That's why you're raped.

If you're literally asking for it. That is consensual sex, my friend. Oh, shit, that's a riddle. You can't ask to be raped. That's crazy. Yeah, that's true. You can't ask to be raped. That's crazy. You can't ask to be raped. That's fucking nuts.

That's tough. That just blew my mind. I'm the wizard. I feel like this is the first time I've ever heard an example of, like, rapist foreplay, though. This is exactly what it is. A forced lick. I mean, this is kind of romantic. It's a nice gesture.

A lot of gals like to be licked on the neck. He's giving it a shot. Yeah. He was arrested for harassment and disorderly conduct. Nothing with the sexual activity. I mean, harassment. That's, you know, that works into it. Was he drunk? Probably. He didn't say. He was outside a liquor store. Definitely drunk.

Here's a picture of the dude. I love him. He looks like a cute little black Ewok. He does. He really does. That is a perfect way to put it. I heard it like black Ewok. He looks like a black Ewok. He really does That is a perfect way to put it I heard it I heard it like Blacky walk Yeah Oh you look like

A blacky walk Blacky walk The Asian guy In this podcast Is racist I don't like it It's actually an amazing Racist slang

For a black Asian Yeah a blacky walk Blacky walk Have you ever seen A black Asian before Yeah There is one Yeah called Blazions

Yeah Blazions Yeah Yeah, Blazions. Yeah, he is. That's exactly what he is, actually. He's a half-breed. All right, we're going to move on. I mean, honestly, guys, every episode with the Asians, there are three billion Asians. We need them to grow our numbers. You said Black Ewok.

I said Black Ewok, and then I said Black Ewok. Holden said Black Ewok. Yes, because that is what I heard from you, friend. I didn't say any of it, but I loved all of it. Okay. This whole thing is summed up with the sentence, who farted? All right, next story. A couple have been arrested after allegedly...

Is anyone else Miss Kevin? All right, next story. A couple have been arrested after allegedly... Is anyone else Miss Kevin? A couple have been arrested after allegedly putting razor blades into donuts and eating them in an attempt to claim damages against a Utah grocery store. This is the same shit that went down to McDonald's and she didn't get caught. She took that condom, she put it in that kid's mouth, and then she's trying to sue McDonald's.

Yeah, I think that's definitely what's happening. It sounds like Eddie just joined the legal defense for McDonald's. You did. Louie, you think he's got some... Oh, what have I got this money in my pockets for? They just pay you in chicken nuggets. He's the cheapest lawyer we've ever had. What do you think?

Do you think he's got some validity to his point, Louie? We're moving on, but that's what I thought about the McDonald's thing. That shit sounds fake. People try to do that all the time. Remember someone found a syringe in a Pepsi can? Yeah. That was fake. That shit's always...

They could use things that aren't as crazy. You don't have to use a syringe. Just put a Band-Aid in there. Yeah. True. A dead bug. So what happened with this couple and all these razor blades? Did they go through with it

Yeah they ate them So literally they put the razor blades in them And they ate them Hospital x-rays of Carol Lee Leiser Hardman 39 and Michael Condor 35 showed the couple had Several razor blades in their stomachs The razor blades ranged in size

With the biggest as large as a thumbnail Oh my fucking god It is alleged that the couple put the razor blades ranged in size with the biggest as large as a thumbnail. Oh, my fucking God. It is alleged that the couple put the razor blades in the donuts of the store, which is in the mall where the couple work, before eating them in an attempt to claim damages from Smith's Food and Drug Shop in Draper, Utah. You know, he's just like looking her in the eyes, just like, I love you, baby. I love you, too. I mean, how much money does a Smith food and drug shop have?

What would they expect? What's the big payout here? It's not a chain. They also handed one of the razor blade donuts to a colleague working alongside them. And according to reports, the colleague suffered cuts to her mouth. So they gave her the death. They're like, here, try one of these. Didn't tell her.

She fucking got her mouth all cut up. What fucking monsters. Oh my God. How did they know it was fake? Like, how did they find out? Let's see here. During the course of the investigation, here's what Draper Police Sergeant Chad Carpenter said. Love Chad.

Yeah, I love Chad. He said it became clear that things weren't adding up. During the course of the investigation, we were able to determine that they intentionally inserted these broken razor blades into donuts that they had purchased at Smith's and then swallowed the razor blades with the donuts. Investigators say they became suspicious after the couple's claims when they realized that the donuts were in tamper-proof packaging. Ah. But, I mean, I don't understand this story at all. So they opened up the package, though, so then it was tampered with. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But the original donuts weren't like the donuts they said like these had things in it. I don't know. Yeah, because it's just so... I'm confused as well.

It's that... Are they under lock and key? They're like donuts that come in a bag instead of donuts that are from like a bakery I guess is what they're saying so it's like almost impossible.

Yeah, if seal is broken do not eat. Yeah, sure. And then they ate them and they said there was razor blades in them. I'd say you probably could tell by just showing the hole in the side of the donut where they shoved the razor out. Where they put it in there, yeah. Well, that one person just ate a full, their friend that they worked with just ate a whole

donut full of razors. These people should be fucking put to death. It's so stupid. These fucking assholes. Look at the no chin on that one. Oh, they're so stupid. But Holden, do It's just stupid. Look at the no chin on that one. Oh, they're so stupid. But Holden,

do you give him credit for going through and actually eating these donuts? I mean, that's a pretty bold move. It reminds me of Albert Fish when he's shoving the pin needles up his penis. Yeah.

And I, you know, that kind of thing blows me the fuck away. It makes me want to die and throw up and be upset. Now, do they practice eating them

like last week? I don't know. To see if they could do it or not? No. Aren't there like scams that don't involve eating razors? That's the thing. Whatever happened to just falling down on a wet floor? You know, I mean, that works well.

Or feeding your kid a condom. That's right. No harm, no foul. Yeah, exactly. Now, this goes under the category of it's so crazy it just might work. Right. Exactly. Now, this goes under the category of, it's so crazy, it just might work.

Right. I mean, just could you imagine that in your fucking stomach? No. But if it did work. I have seen in Thailand. Oh, right. The way you just said Thailand. Right here in the air, just all evil-y. Exactly.

Okay, Mr. Louis Katz, come over through customs here. Let me just check your bag. Oh, it's just a bunch of teddy bears. Go on through. Welcome to Thailand. I just knew it was going to sound real creepy, so I was just preempting the creepiness by adding my own layer of creepiness

on top of it. But I have seen a stripper pull a string of razor blades out of her cooch. And then she takes the blade to show you that it's sharp and she'll cut paper and show you Oh, dang it. And then she, like, takes the blade to show you that it's sharp and she'll, like, cut paper, like, show you, like,

oh, they're all sharp. How did she do it? Dude, I don't know. These women are fucking phenomenal. Dude, they do crazy tricks. They shoot darts. They smoke cigarettes. You just can't trust a woman

who keeps razors in her pussy, Louie. I'll tell you what, though. I have her working on my security force in my fantasy. That's the wisest, the wisest advice that's ever given.

She put a steel tube into her pussy, and then it put the razor blades in there. I was hoping that she had something. Or they fold up so they're not razor blades, and when she pulls them out, it looks like a string or something like that. Jax, what do you think about that? Razor blades in the pussy? That can't be a fun trick to pull off. I just think she's got a big pussy. You think so?

Yeah, she's probably used to it. God knows what else she's shoved up there. It's probably all calloused over. But she's in Thailand. She's all tiny. Yeah, but she's a stripper, too. Yeah, it does hook her. Razor blades in her pussy.

And they separate. That's true. They put goldfish, frogs, all kinds of shit. Really? You saw a woman stick a frog in her pussy? See, the craziest part was it was already in there, and then it kicked its leg out. So a leg just comes out, and then she has to push the leg back in. I almost want to vomit.

That's incredible. I wish we'd do goldfish, though. If you were a goldfish, is that a good day for a goldfish or a bad day for a goldfish? I mean, it's going to die. Yeah. Amber, what amphibian do you want in your pussy if you have to have one sort of... Fish is not an amphibian.

All right. Jew! Jesus! I'm sorry. I want to apologize. I just got really German. He's always... My notebook just got jammed.

I was just so upset. I'm always on an amphibian. Jesus Christ. I'm done. I am sorry. Never mind. We can move on now. We cannot move on. I will never get over that. I just felt my opah's presence.

I'm so upset. You're just so guttural. It wasn't even me. It got so upset. It's just so guttural. It wasn't even me. It was just ancestry. You did. Oh my God.

Oh my God. I got haunted by the ghost of Christmas past. Oh my goodness. I'm so sorry. What animal

are you putting in your pussy? Oh, Jesus. I'd say an octopus. Oh, yeah.

That'd be fun because they'd be all like I've seen that. What about like a lamprey? I've seen it too. Oh, yeah. That'd be funny because they'd be all like... I've seen that. What about like a lamprey? I've seen it too. A lamprey? Sure. What's a lamprey?

They're like a... Oh, like a sucking eel thing? Yeah, but they got gnarling mouths. Yeah, yeah. Well, there's that whole thing like funnel porn that I didn't even know existed until recently. Have you heard about that? Oh, the Japanese fish porn? Yeah, well, it's like they just put a funnel and they just throw a bunch of small animals.

It's so crazy. They blur out dicks. Yeah. It's so crazy. Honestly, I think that's why it's so fucked up. Because they blur out the dicks and they don't get to see that. Why they fucking need guys and girls trains. It just goes even fucking stranger and weirder.

Yeah, guys and girls trains? Yeah, they have guys and girls trains because the dudes are so insane with the chicks over there. They have girl-only train cars. Damn. Yeah. Yeah, guys and girls trains? Yeah, they have guys and girls trains because the dudes are so insane with the chicks over there. Like, they have girl-only train cars. Damn. Yeah. Yeah. It's insane.

Yeah, because they openly grab, right? That's right. That's not even like a racist thing. Isn't that a thing with like, if you see like a bunch of businessmen that they grab at you? Yes. They do.

It's a thing. Yeah, and they like to get pissed on as well. Yeah. Yeah. Heard of businessmen just grabbing at you Well, Asian businessmen, but I didn't want to say Asian You know what I mean Yeah, it happens

I'm going over there in like next month So I'm going to see what that's about Interesting Hey, get gropey You always wanted to Grop it up Win in Rome, my friend Win in Rome

Win in Tokyo That's the thing Oh, jeez. That is a scary time. That's awesome. You're going to, where are you going? I'm going to perform for the troops in Okinawa, and then I might stay for a couple days in Tokyo.

That's super cool. That's nice. Doug Austin's father, who was on the show, you might be performing for him while you're out there. He's in the Navy, and he's staying in Okinawa. Cool. Is it? Yeah.

Oh, great. Is it a USO show? Well, so USO only does two really big shows out of the year, and with really, really famous people. And there's all these independent contractors, and I'm doing work for one of them. That's awesome. Very cool.

What's happening? Yeah, support them. Sorry I brought it down with my... I'll tell you one thing, Louis. They're just so happy to see you there. They volunteered for the military. They love our country. And then look at that.

Little Louis Katz as a perk. That's great. It makes it all so worth it. I'm so happy I just saw eight of my friends die. Oh, Louis, you win 30? I'm thrilled. You're up there. Yeah, right?

I was just trying to pick up a place to talk. Soldiers are just like, show us your tits. Again, guys, I already put a goldfish on my asshole. You want to see my tits now? Show us your balls. I want to hear that one time. I want to hear that one time. It is true. Before and after me, they'll just be like... They can say that now, though.

Yeah, yeah, they can. But it'll be like troops of cheerleaders, and that's who else goes there. So I'm sure they'd rather see a bunch of cheerleaders than me. But I'll tell you, the women in the military are pretty hot. Are they really? The hottest women in the military, I know it's the black chicks are the hottest ones. What's the hottest branch

of the military, female-wise? Navy? Army? Marines? I guess there's no female Marines. I would guess. Demi Moore, right? That was a movie! And that was the Navy. If you think about it like more, right? That was a movie. I changed. What's that? I don't know. And that was the Navy. I mean, if you do it by like, if you think about it like colleges, right? Like doesn't like the easier it is to get into college, the hotter the girl, right?

Probably the hotter the girl. Yeah. All right. So Texas Tech was just full of hot chicks. Yeah. Yeah, right? And then you just have to have blood. Yeah, I mean, Johns Hopkins University is the ugliest women in all of colleges.

And that's a very difficult university to get into. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. The easier it is to get into. So I think the Army is the least stringent, so I'm guessing those are the hottest girls. I don't know, just a theory. But, man, when you see, like, we had this lady show me around an Apache helicopter, and she was all into it, and she's like, oh, man, it was super hot. It was great.

Plus, they're all strong and shit. Yeah, tough. And she had corrective eye surgery just so she could fly this thing and fucking kill people. It was so tough. It was so awesome. I mean, obviously, if you're a dude in the Army, you must get really horny. So when you see a woman, it must be super exciting. Did you find that when the chicks in the Army saw you, they were extra into it, just like a normal dude?

Like a nice new dick? Finally, a nice, small, untrained, unskilled, unable to protect me at any moment kind of guy. That's what I'm looking for. I don't know. No one's that excited to see me anywhere, I think is the answer. Oh, we're all excited to see you. I'm excited.

I know that Ben Kissel ruined your self-esteem over the last 20 minutes, but pick it back up. I think Louie's doing pretty good for himself. My sister-in-law's a black woman in the military, and she's beautiful. Yeah, you're right.

See your brother married... Black woman. I know. Marcus, what's another news story? I almost want to prompt a total racist tirade. Can we just get away from the racism for a moment? We got Marcus up here yelling that he's a wizard. I can't deal with this.

Jesus Christ. My girlfriend's black! What? Oh, my God! A correction giant? You're like a fella who was in solitary confinement homemade chocolate chip cookies in exchange for sexual contact. Oh, great. Well, that plays in well.

Fair enough. Everybody wins. Yeah. That's not illegal. That's fine. There's nothing in it. Cookies for sex. Yeah. I would do that. Fact on less. Yeah. That's not illegal. That's fine. There's nothing in it. Cookies for sex. Yeah. I would do that. Fact on the last. Yeah. Amber, what sort of food product would you like to be enticed with the most if someone's

going to have sex with you? Maybe like lasagna. Ooh, lasagna for sex. Good. Stinky sex. Yeah, yeah. Oysters, raw oysters. Oysters makes more sense than lasagna.

It makes you horny, too. Oysters make you horny. That's true. But also, you're going to be in a shed out back, and nobody wants to shuck oysters right in front of you. Dirty shed. That's true.

So, this prison guard got fired? Oh, absolutely. This is so sad. He was charged with custodial sexual misconduct, which is a felony. What? So nice to bring this girl cookies. I'm with you. And she said it was consensual as well.

She said, I showed him my breasts, willingly, for some food. That's right. For some food. For some food at the end is the part. And she said, he came to her room in mid-November and, quote,

kissed me and touched my breasts and also put his hand down my pants and placed his finger inside of my vagina. He also performed oral sex on her and the inmate told police that in exchange for the aforementioned sexual favors, defendant gave her homemade

chocolate chip cookies. Made from scratch. No razor blades in those, only love and lots of sugar. That's absolutely adorable. Jackie, take your position back. Oh, no. I'm good. This isn't so bad.

What do you think, Jackie? If you're a female prisoner and you find a nice-looking prison guard, he's going to get you some cookies, finger your pussy. That's not so bad, right? See, I feel like I would rather do something like that real story when the dude in prison was fucking the female prison guard and he like talked her into murdering people outside. I would rather do that.

Like he was reenacting like he's enacting his revenge through the woman he's fucking. What about that dude here in New York who got the female prison guard pregnant and so he could escape the death penalty? Yeah. How did that work? How did that work?

No. It was after he had already tried to, his lawyers tried to say that he was mentally retarded, so he could not be executed. That didn't work, so he decided to get a prison guard pregnant in order to get his execution and he wiped out. It did not work at all.

That's gotta be a weird spot to be in, trying to convince the world that you are retarded. That's got to be a weird... That did not work at all. That's got to be a weird spot to be in, trying to convince the world that you are retarded. That has just got to be a strange... Like, I've hit a wall in my life, you know? No, don't... You should feel good, Holden. You can literally commit any crime you want to commit. Exactly.

Don't get off. No, but do you know what that means? That guy is, like, he's passably retarded, and that means he still seduced this guard? No, he's a fucking sociopath. Right. He was doing anything he could, and like,

going through all of those lengths. Pretending, I think he must have been like, there must have been some, he must have seemed kind of retarded, right? I mean, he had an extremely low IQ,

that's, the whole thing, what they're basing this on, is that his IQ is below, you know, remember in Forrest Gump, where they were like, he was retarded, and he was normal, and your boy was right here. Yeah. That's where he was. He was at Forrest Gump where they were like, he is retarded and he is normal

and your boy is right here. That's where he was. He was at Forrest Gump level. And still able to seduce Jenny. Exactly. She was hanging out with all those socialists. Not hard to steal a woman away from those scumbags. Do you think they forced her into having an abortion also?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Why not? But I actually think this tale with the corrections officer and the female prisoner is kind of romantic. Yeah. I mean, one's getting sexy, the other's getting cookies. I really like cookies, so it sounds just win-win all around. Yeah. I'm with you.

I think cookies are my favorite sweet. Hell yeah. I hate cake. I'm not into cake, man. Really? I think cake's overrated. It's just bread. It's all dry. Yeah, it sucks. So that. Hell yeah. I hate cake. I'm not into cake, man. Really? I think cake's overrated. It's just bread. It's all dry.

Yeah, it sucks. That's why you get a moist cake. Rarely pour a bucket of water on some cake. I'd rather eat a brownie. Yeah, yeah. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Or an ice cream cake, because then it's moist because it's got ice cream in it. Ice cream.

I don't like this word moist. Every time you say moist in cake, I just think of cutting open a cake and a bunch of oysters falling out of it. I don't know why. What kind of horrible birthdays did you have? Don't get him started. Good Christ. He's fat. Put oysters in his cake

so he won't eat it. Oh, no. The birthdays were sad. That's what we call a Nazi's birthday. That is a horrible cake. I'm going to throw a sweet in there The cannoli Go in Italian Love the cannoli Love the cannoli

So that's what you want Jack? That's a pastry Oh it's not a sweet? Oh my god I'm sorry a Jewish person Does not have an opinion next to you No it's just you Oh my god

What I am saying Jewish strikes back Okay please They've been striking back For generations No that is funny Oh my god. What I am saying... Okay, please. They've been striking back for generations. No, that is funny. What happened? No, you're right, Louie. What do you think about... So fucking condescending.

What? Why when you trimmed the beard did you not trim the nose hairs as well? Oh my god. Can you not channel my ex-girlfriend right now? Can you not channel my ex-girlfriend? Thank you. God, I hung out with Maura on Saturday, who I'm still violently in love with, and that's all she spoke about.

Telling you how ugly you are. Yeah. Oh, nice. You forgot to shave, like, a whole bunch of facial hair. And I was like, no, I'm all shaven. She's like, oh, yeah, no, you're not. I heard she lost a lot of weight. She's looking the best she's ever looked in her life.

Yeah, hold on. She is. Yeah, no, she's looking really pretty, Holden. Yeah, she loves me. She doesn't love a fucking five-foot-three bald dude. Hey, baklava's good. That's a good decision. Baklava's very good.

That's a good one, yeah. Yeah. Nuts and bread. That's what I have. Just good old-fashioned nuts and bread. Some grains. Get some grains in there. Henry couldn't be here today

because he was too busy fucking sitting on his ass at home, but he showed me all of his flax that he eats every day to make him shit correctly. One of them was called like Ezekiel 4-9. Oh, I know that. Oh, you know that one? It's a Christian cereal. Really? It really is, yeah. Gross. Man, that man eats a lot of flax.

I was Skyping with Henry Zebrowski, Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski from last podcast and Roundtable of course, and he said said I have to take a shit so I was like oh we're going to stop the Skype but no he just turned the computer to the bathroom I watched him walk into it, he shut the door and he shits it away now

that is so aggressive it is just and then it's done and then he walks out, I did not hear a god damn lick of water coming from that sink just walks out and I don not hear a goddamn lick of water. Just walks out and I don't even think he's wiping anymore. His life is a need to.

Yeah. It comes out very cleanly. Yeah. Just done. He's able to dilate his ass. Yeah. So he can just like, just falls out. It's just amazing.

Was he prepping for shows in Hong Kong? Yeah. Something like that. something like that. Something like that. I'm going to find a revolver under there. Oh, definitely. So, Louis, you enjoy the flax, I take it. Oh, man, fiber will change your life, man. That's what it's all about.

I mean, I won't eat that Ezekiel shit because it tastes like Christian lies. I was going to say it's not that good, but I like the way you guys put it better. But yeah, man, I mean, like, shitting like that, it changes your life. I had a whole bit about it where I was trying to, like, preach about the goodness of fiber and how, like, it'll just change, like, everything. Like, you shit once a day and it comes out and you don't have to wipe and it takes no pushing. It's fucking phenomenal.

It's crazy. I got to do it. Yeah, you got to get into that. I don't have a big shitting problem. Are you still on the flax diet? You're still happy with it? See, I won't go there. I want to eat something that tastes good, so I eat a high-fiber cereal, but not like

the fucking Ezekiel one. That's too far. It doesn't taste good at all. There's a high-fiber cereal that tastes pretty good. You eat those, man, you're fucking good to go. Man, we're all fucking old. We're talking about fucking fiber over here. The round table has changed.

No! The round table will always be different now. Shitting has been a fucking issue since forever for me. I feel like every shit I take was better than the last shit. Really? Forever. Forever. Because I don't have a big shitting problem, I don't think.

Are you talking about like it's just you get constipated? I'm talking about like shitting in public schools, shitting, you know, different issues. What do you mean? What do you mean public schools? How often are you in public schools? When I was in public schools growing up. I'm saying not present day. I don't go to public schools.

No shit in that. You can see why we were confused. Does anybody else think Louis is treating our public school like a Starbucks? It's really weird. It's so great, man. There's a public school on every block. It's fucking perfect. I'll buy something.

I promise. The kids aren't for sale. I ain't got nothing. I'll teach. I'll teach for a few minutes. Sorry. No, it's good. It's good. It's good poo-poo as you're having.

Dude, it's phenomenal. The way I would say it is like it frees you up mentally and even spiritually. The joke I had was like, your third eye will be open and it's brown. That was the closer of the bit. That's pretty good. Alright, next story. A homeless woman had her rental vehicle stolen Tuesday by a man with one leg

in a wheelchair. The 42-year-old woman was with her 18-year-old son in a 2012 Chevrolet Impala and said she stopped to help the one-legged man because he looked tired. She offered the man a ride, which the man accepted. The woman and her son helped the man into the backseat of the rental car and loaded the wheelchair into the trunk. The man asked the woman if she would go through the drive-thru at Taco Bell so he could purchase

some food. After they left from Taco Bell, the woman and her son started to discuss some personal matters. They decided they did not want to discuss personal matters in front of the man, so they pulled over in a mall's parking lot and got out of the vehicle to talk. While they

were outside of the vehicle, the man climbed from the back seat into the front seat and drove off into the vehicle. This is why you have to have a stick shift. This sounds like the best ploy for a homeless woman and her son to do their version of The Fugitive. You know, they're looking for the one-legged

man. Well, dude, if someone offers to give you a ride and then they pull over in a parking lot and start arguing, fuck this, I'm out. What the fuck, man? I was better off back where I was. Second of all, how does he look in tired? He's been sitting down all day. He was only charged with joyriding, though. His name is

Craig Funchess. You got fun in your name, you should be able to go on joyrides. Funchess is a comedian out of Ron Funchess. Very, very funny fellow. What does he look like? Doesn't have a mugshot.

He's 35, though. Amber, what do you think? Does that help? I mean, you know, the kindness of these people. You know, they picked up a one-legged man. They want to, you know, give him a nice little ride. I mean, it's rude for him to steal the car. It is very rude. I'm just wondering what their argument was about.

Yeah, something very personal. What do you think it was? Like, why are we homeless, but we still have a car? And a rental car, no less. Are they homeless? I thought they were. Yeah, they said they were homeless in line. Who's renting a car to a person without

a home address? I can't rent a car for shit. I did a road gig with Kevin Barnett and we had to go to three different places to rent a car. We have a home. No, we were too tall. That's good. I like that. I think that's interesting. So this is a homeless mother

and a homeless son. They're taking care of this one-legged person. Yeah. And she had helped him before. Hmm. She knew him. What if they were talking about killing him? Oh. Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit. That is personal. I like that a lot. Through code. What kind of code would you use, Eddie? Let's sell his wheelchair. Get some money. Then knife him in the throat.

Exactly. Just kidding. That's exactly what Eddie's dad said to him right after he told him he loved him. Just kidding. The whole thing is like a... They tried to commit fraud, but got caught.

Like they were all in cahoots together, and then so the guy takes off with a car, they were going to claim the car was stolen, and then so the guy takes off with the car they were going to claim the car was stolen and then sell the car. And you always blame another person with a missing limb. Yeah, exactly. That's a good point.

Well, after taking the car for a ride Funchess made unsuccessful attempts to contact the woman to return the car and he later returned her personal property to a previous residence. Funchess also called the rental car company offering to return the vehicle and and he later returned her personal property to a previous residence. Funches also called the rental car company, offering to return the vehicle and pay the balance owed.

I bet he was sitting there in that parking lot for an hour and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one good leg, I'm driving this goddamn car. It's hot in that car. Think about how hot it was. Treating him like a dumb dog.

He's not a dumb dog. That dumb dog looks tired. Let's get him in that car. Think about how hot it was. Treating him like a dumb dog. A dumb dog. He's not a dumb dog. Oh, look, that dumb dog looks tired. Let's get him in the car. Yeah, exactly. Goddamn it, man. I hate these people. That's not bad.

I think this is an interesting story. Arrest her. You want her arrested. Arrest her. Slap the child. Yeah. He's not a child. He's 18. He's 18.

18? Get a job. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Sports! We all like sports! Oh my god. Don't ever want to talk sports with you. Sports!

Yeah, it's just the worst. I like beanbag tossing. So everybody is now an owner of a sports team. You gotta name the sports, you gotta name the name of the team. You get the gist. Some things about the team, where it's located. I'll start.

I'm going to do a soccer team. They're going to be called the Sleepies. The stadium, it'll be somewhere where the weather is always nice, like Florida or something like that. I'll put a bunch of, all the stadium seats will be beds or recliners or things like that. So that you can have them play the game and everyone gets a good nap. Because soccer is the most boring sport in the fucking world. That's fine.

Financially unfeasible. Yeah, because of the beds? Because of the beds. All that's going to cost a lot of money. And cleaning is going to be a nightmare. Am I allowed to wait in one of those beds? You know how many people have taken a nap there before me? Am I allowed to sex in those beds? Am I allowed to... I'm not laying in one of those beds. You know how many people are taking a nap there before me? Yeah. Am I allowed sex in those beds? Am I allowed...

Yes, lots of sex. Everyone's fucking... Yeah. It's like a Roman soccer, you know. What about bed bugs? I mean, yes. If that happens, then we're done.

You're out of business in a year. Next one. May I bribe you? Yes. I think that's okay. That's fine. It's professional sports. We'll talk later Okay

Louie I thought When you told me what it was Earlier I thought it was You make up your own sport Yeah you can do whatever you want You can totally make up your own sport I was thinking about something called

Ass battles Okay And I haven't really worked it out But people like Put their They ram their butts into each other I love this And I've said ass battles

Yeah Ass battles Yeah Ass battles And um I guess it's The home is in Probably Brazil I think Oh

So um Is farting involved Yes How do you Does the loser fart Or the winner fart Or they can both fart As they make contact

They can both fart I mean that's part Is that the battle Yeah that's part of the battle That's the grunting of the game Yeah yeah yeah It's like ass It's like ass...

It's like... What do they call it? What's it? Medieval times? Lansing? Jousting. Jousting. Like jousting, but with asses.

Okay. And maybe like team jousting, but with asses. Is it co-ed? Men and women. Yes. I know. Holden finally thought he figured out something that we didn't know. Finally thought we got got Louis on something!

So it is. Can women only play women and men only play men? Actually, in my head, I'm just going to go with what I had envisioned. It's just women. I don't want that. That's what everyone wants. Even women don't want men involved in this. Ugh! I want to call it lady butt battles.

Lady butt battles? Too classy. What do I call it? Ass battles? Ass battles. Ass battles sounds tougher. Yeah, I like ass battles a lot. You know what?

Ass. Ass battles? Ooh, they can have thorn helmets. Yeah, yeah. They wear all kinds of tough gear, kind of like gladiators, but then their asses are out. Roller derby. Roller derby chicks. It's like roller derby, but more ass-centric.

Lady butts. I mean, you can name them a whole bunch. Oh, maybe they'll be on segues while they come at each other. That's great. It's the lady butts versus the tampoopers. Here we go. Tampons and lady butts. I don't know.

None of the teams named that, man. That's not it at all. Well, I'm sorry. I was thinking of a different league where I ran it. So, Marcus, how was it? I like it. It's in Brazil, which is an emerging economy. It is.

You know, like, things are going well there right now. Everyone loves butts. Yes. You're going to have an AIDS problem. Why? Really? You're going to have an AIDS problem. Why are you having an AIDS problem?

Why are you having an AIDS problem? Is that the concussion issue? They're just slapping asses. You can't get AIDS from slapping asses together. You can slice open some asses. Asses get sliced open. People start putting razors in their asses. No, you can't do that. It's not that kind of sport, man.

It's a clean, nice girl. It's a butt sport, not a blood sport. Come on. Well, I'm not sure the James Naismith imagined basketball would be what it is today, but, you know. I don't know what that means. He's going nowhere with it. I think it's a Magic Johnson reference.

Oh, okay. No. Okay. I don't know. I have nothing for this. What is happening? What is it, good or bad? It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's a good sport. I like it a lot. I like it. Okay. I like it. Okay. You're being holding it the very least. Awesome.

The snoozies. I just want to have a sport. It takes place in Tasmania. It's full of a bunch of chicks and myself, and then the girl who trims my fucking nose hair the best. I get to fuck. That's it. What's the name of your team?

Me. Your team name is me. Me. Okay. Okay. Yeah. What do you think, Marcus? I'm very self-conscious now

because you mentioned the nose hair. It's in my Achilles heel. It's something you can take care of in the next 10 minutes. Do you have bad nose hairs? I was hanging out with Mara and we went to the grocery,

we went to the pharmacy so she can get an umbrella and then she starts walking, right? And I'm like where you going she's like oh I'm going to the nose hair I'm going to buy you a nose hair trimmer and then I was like I don't need one and then she's I did sort of start to cry and it's done I'm done with it now why don't you just trim them dude I will I try to yeah they're long try to we'll get you the electric one. I'm going to buy it. Just let her buy it for you. No, because my ex-girlfriend

cannot fix my nose hair problem. That's unbelievably humiliating. What do you mean? If she fixes you, maybe she'll let you touch her again. She'll never let me touch her again. But that's okay with me. Marcus, how does this team... I don't know, Ben,

how do you feel about a pity point? I love pity points. Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much pussy I've gotten off of pity points? Brother, you get three. Oh, thank you.

I'm probably in the lead then. Fantastic. Yeah, I am. That's crazy. Walter? You got two and Holden got negative three. First off, I love

sports. Yes. I love it. My favorite sport happens to be water polo. Okay. Oh yeah, because you got the men. The men. Strong men. Yes. I was going between two names for my water polo team. The one was

the Pittsburgh Water Buffaloes. Nice. Or the Delaware Floating Dicks. We just call them The Gap. Oh. Think about that.

Because of the water gap. I get it now and I'll tell you one thing you and I are on fire and the team that I own I'm going to go with the floating dicks and the whole thing is that they're really good at defensive strategy because they just whip

the other bathing suits off the other guys. There you go. Like, super fast. The guy's like, oh, God, where's the ball? But I'm naked. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. And then it gets all steamy.

And then it gets kind of like, I don't know, like a little salty in the air. You know? Yeah. And all of a sudden, everyone's just doing it. And I'm just there. And I'm like, guys, stop it. Guys, stop. OK.

OK. And then everyone comes, and they always declare each other the winner. Yeah. Walter, I'm going to say America's not ready for it. But it is a great sport. It is a great sport, though. We've come a long way in gay rights in the last 10, 15 years. Which is kind of funny because that sport

actually sets it back 10-15 years where is your team though is it in America Delaware he said oh Delaware yeah it's in Delaware

if it was in Cuba then you'd have a chance why Cuba they just hired a transgender politician think about it we also had our first transgender

MFA fighter come out oh wow there could be it could be the Delaware floating dicks in Cuba like of Havana you It could be the Delaware Floating Dicks in Cuba, like of Havana. You just call them the Delaware Floating Dicks.

They're obviously minor league anyway, so they're going to be going against people from all over the world. That MMA fighter thing is bullshit, though, by the way. It was a former man who became a woman who went to become a female MMA fighter and beat the shit out of all the chicks. That's the story. I thought it was a woman and a man. People are trying to be like, well, I can't believe you're not going to all the chicks. That's the story. I thought it was one of the men.

People are trying to be like, well, I can't believe you're not going to let her compete. It's a man. And he's just beating the fuck out of a bunch of chicks. Did he fight Ronda Rousey? No. She'll fuck his ass up. I hope so. Sorry, I love her. Alright, sad boy

still in the lead. Thank you. Alright, Jackie, what do you got for us? What sport are you going to blow our minds with right now? All right, I'm bringing hockey to Mexico. So we're going to tell them it's an ice rink, but really it's just a lake. I'm going to call my team the Puccos. Attach surfboards to their feet and make them slide on the water.

That's it. That's it. That's the worst sport. Oh, my God. Puccos. What are we doing? It's going to be such a popular sport. All right.

All Marcus can do is give the thumbs up because he's broken. Jackie has broken him. Amber, what do you got? Mine is a full contact hacky sack. Yeah, that's when you drop the hacky sack your dad comes on the field, punches you in the face and tells you to get a job.

Why do men run the sports world? Women have the best day of the year. I know, Jesus. What's the team name? Oh, it's called Get a Job. We're called I and Rand. And we are in New Hampshire, where all the assholes are from. The New Hampshire Rands. Yeah, there we go. Pretty good. All right, where all the assholes are from. The New Hampshire Rams.

Yeah, there we go. Pretty good. All right, well, you guys are tied right now. Yeah. In last place, right? Oh, in first place. You're in last place. The snoopers.

The Cincinnati snoopers. Ed, what do you got? All right, I know this well is getting a little dry. Okay. But we're talking, I'm going to do bear and gorilla fights. I want to know who's stronger and who's tougher. Nice. I want to know who's going to win.

So we got polar bears versus gorillas. Now, what do you think who would win in that? I mean, it depends on why they're fighting. Bears stole gorillas bananas yeah yeah the bear stole the bananas he don't even like bananas yeah and the gorilla knows that gorilla knows it's just stomping on my bananas he doesn't even plan on eating them yeah gorilla's pissed off gorilla probably gonna win that fight sure but when the gorilla tries to steal the Polar Bear's cubs, because you know, Gorillas, they're always stealing little babies. I know it.

Is that a good joke? No, it's not! I know it's a Gorilla joke! Don't bring Rice in here. First off, Ed, I just got to point out that Gorillas vs. Bears is the name of a gay porno. Is it really? No.

That's a whole different story. But I wish it was. And it will be tomorrow. So anyway, it's Gorillas vs. Bears. You know, it's like you can't really fight in the Congo. You can't really fight in the Arctic because you don't want to give anyone too much of an advantage. You know, and I was going to say we'll fight in the middle of the ocean,

but then I realized that polar bears can swim up to 60 miles, so we can't really do that either. We're fighting in the desert. Yeah! No man's land. Can a snake be a referee? Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, we'll get a cobra. Are you volunteering?

Because we're going to hold this in Baghdad. Oh. Yeah, the fight's going to be in Baghdad. Because that's what these people need to see. They need to see what fighting is really about. I think they know. They know what senseless murder is, sure. But this is different. He stole those fucking bananas, and everybody knows it.

All right, so we're going to hold this in Baghdad. I don't really have a team. It's more of a new sport. How about the league? How about the name of the league? The league? Yeah. Gorilla Bear Wars.

Okay. DBW. DBW. That's okay. That's a great idea. I love this. And then the winner gets all the meat. That's a great idea.

The last three ideas Shockingly better Than the first set But what do you I mean I'm gonna say as far If we're talking money makers Yeah Pure

Money makers High octane High octane A lot of oil money in Baghdad Yeah there is a lot of oil money That's a good point Alright again to recap Obviously the people in the loop

Gorilla vs. Monkey Wars We've got the hacky sack get a job And we've got the Mexican hockey players The puccos I mean, if you're going on sheer cash It's me Like the money we're making You know what

It's not as much a cash thing as well as a legacy thing. Building a legacy, you know? How long these things are going to last. A Ken Burns documentary will be made on one of these three sports. Are there even lakes

in Mexico anymore? Are they all dried up? Whatever the fucking... The ocean! Whatever the fuck... Put them in a pool! They don't know what a fucking pool is.

She will run this bat league like a Mussolini. Yeah, it'll be tons. It'll be tons. It will be incredible. I know that. If you want to see a rich kid break down

into tears. That's the thing. That's the thing. That is rewarding. And that's the thing is that there are a lot more poor people these days

than there are rich people. Yeah. And I think in Mexico your teams are going to get slaughtered by drug cartels with fair regularity. Well... I mean, they'll probably be able to swim really well, though.

Shouldn't the drug cartels be sponsors of the teams? This is a money-making game. That is a very good idea. So who gets it? Just name it, name it. Just name it, and we can end the whole episode. I'm ending a war. All right.

I don't think you're so nice. I'm not going to be killing their faces anymore. Name it. My purple is coming into fact. He's trying to worm tongue you right now. Mexico Puccos. Yeah! Puccos.

That was very funny. Congratulations, Jackie. Very excited. I was rooting for you, Ed. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNally. Thank you so much for being here, Louis Katz. Thanks for having me. All right, Amber Nelson, Walter Rapogla.

That's been the Roundtable. Gentlemen, I am Ben Kissel. We will talk to you very soon.