The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 138: Seeing Leg Dog

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 138th episode of the Round Table: a snake uses his final act in life to burn down the house of the woman who killed him, a British soap opera star rapes a boy to prove to his girlfriend that he's bisexual, and a woman is arrested for performing oral sex on a man to get a discount on a used Cadillac. Joining us today: Andrew Short, Trey Galleon, and Chris Aurilio!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen of discussion civility gentlemen always civility alright I'm praying today it's good yeah good go alright yeah we're ready to go and today I am actually praying to the one true lord Jesus Christ

wow first prayer cutting my lawn next Wednesday praise him praise him Jesus Christ today here in the round table of gentlemen we have two men First prayer of the week. Cutting my lawn next Wednesday. Praise him, praise him. Jesus Christ, today here in the round table of gentlemen, we have two men. We have Andrew Short, who is a little bit under five feet tall. Oh my God.

Immediately. And we have Bing Kissel, who is a little over eight feet tall. Yeah. Yes. Jesus Christ, in your infinite wisdom, if you could find it in your heart to combine these two men to make one normal sized human being Two normal sized. Yeah, it would be two.

No, it would just be one. They get amalgamated and everything that they are but then it would be super big. Does he have two penises, this one man? Of course he does. Oh, fun. I feel like much like curing homosexuality, this might be a task too big for Jesus.

I don't think that he could do this. Jesus, if you can make this happen for me, because I know these two men are very comfortable in who they are, but this one is for me. Jesus Christ, amen. Amen. Terrible prayer. Worst prayer we've ever had. me. Jesus Christ, amen. Amen. Terrible prayer. Worst prayer we've ever had.

I think Jesus should take it into consideration. Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen, everybody. Who is around this sweet roundtable? Jackie Zabrowski. I got a puppy hat on. I feel like a puppy today. You're cute. It's going to be fucking awesome.

Give us some puppy noises. Ooh, Holden, I don't like you. Hey, I like you a lot. That baby ain't staying at the pound for long. Yeah, adopt me. All right, well, I'm Ed Larson. Come on. Holden McNeely, King of the Falcon Lords

What's that sound like? Good Christ almighty So terrible Alright sitting in for Kevin Barnett We got Andrew Short Thanks for being here Andrew Andrew Short the Vice President of Swag in Kevin's absence Chris Aurelia is here as well

Aurelio And it is an honor to be here. Honor spelled in the British way with a U. Wow. Extra letters. Bringing some culture to the program. I like it. And Trey Galeone is also here.

Yeah, I am here bringing no culture to the program. None whatsoever. Family is from Puerto Rico. Really? Right out of the gate. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, gate. Unbelievable. Unbelievable, Eddie. Damn. No, but that is disgusting.

I know. So how stoned are you right now, Trey? Scale of one to ten? Scale of one to stone. Seven and a half. Nice. How much weed do you smoke? Because before the program we were discussing... Seven and a half. And with us as always, I am Ben Kissel.

That is me. And then with us as always, we have the newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first story today, buddy? Let me say before I begin, this is what happens when I don't pray to Satan. Authorities believe a homeowner's response to finding a snake in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday. The fire sparked at a home in her yard may have led to the fire that destroyed her house Wednesday. The fire sparked at a home in Bowie County.

Snake did it. Snake did it. I saw it in his eye. I saw his forked tongue. I know it was a snake. I'll tell you now. I know it's weird because he is a snake, but he had snake eyes. And I knew he was going to do some weird shit.

Well, it did happen in Bowie County, Texas. Typical. Deputy Randall it did happen in Bowie County, Texas. Yeah, typical. Deputy Randall Baggett with Bowie County. Easy life in Texas. I wonder why he went into law enforcement. Any issues, any anger problems with Mr. Baggett? Baggett sometimes. He was one of the more popular kids at Bowie High.

Oh, you know, I just like girls, you know, so it's like I'm a bad faggot. Shut up, faggot! No, he's Baggett, but it's Baggett. Yeah, that's the thing, but he was lucky to go to school with Stephen Masshole,

which that kind of worked out well. Fucking Baggett with his snake again. Well, Deputy Baggett said, while cleaning up, she saw the snake, threw gasoline on the snake, lit the snake on fire, and the snake then went into the brush pile

and the brush pile caught the home on fire. It's the snake's fault. It's the dumbest way to kill a snake. The only way that story's better is if it ate a baby before all that. Not the first time that a snake has been the downfall of a woman. Right? We're talking about...

You tell it. Okay, so she's a deputy. She's not a deputy. That's a statement from the Bowie County Sheriff's Office. Oh, I see. I feel like the most fun way to kill a snake would be to bash in its head with a rock. You think that until you see one squirm around on fire. I guess you're right.

I'm wrong. That makes a good point. I don't know. I'd say the funnest way I ever killed a snake is that I chopped its head off and then shoved a bottle rocket into the cavity and then lit it on fire. Man. The best part is going to be when the authorities come to us, Marcus.

None of us are going to be able to say we had no idea. They're not coming looking for 20-year-old snake murders. No, Marcus will never get caught. Never have. Never will. Oh, God. I am scared. Mostly serial killers are like,

he was a shy boy. Didn't say much. With Marcus, he'll be like, yeah, he talked a lot. You know about killing things? Couldn't see it coming, though. I'm trying to figure out how you maneuver getting gasoline on the snake and lighting it up without creating a whole fire. You gotta be really good at it. Well, it was outside at the time.

So, you know, you just kind of throw it all over the place. You light it on fire. It's like, oh, shit, it's going to the brush pile. Texas is very dry right now. We've got a real bad drought. And a snake problem. Well, not anymore. Trey, how are you going to kill a snake? What do you think? Burn them one at

a time. One at a time. Yeah, we've always used the chop off the head method. That seems to work pretty good. Always go chop off, or chop off whatever you can method. Yeah, exactly. And then play jump rope with it around the local teenage girls to freak them out. Yeah, we can do that.

No problem. I think it's good. So what's happening with this trick here? I mean, the house burned down. That's pretty much it. That's it. Okay, good. The devil came out.

Oh, okay. Yeah, the devil came out of the flames. She's going to believe that for the rest of her life. The devil came in the form of a snake and burnt down her house. Did she mention what the snake said to her? Something about an apple. That was weird.

Alright, Marcus. Okay, this happened in Texarkana. Right outside of Texarkana. What does that mean? Texarkana is a place where half the town is in Texas and the other half is in Arkansas. It's retarded. Oh, okay.

They live in a no-man's land? Retarded land? It's madness there. It's all sweatpants and hugs. It is. It's all sweatpants and hugs. It is. I got a big old cape on. It's the other side of the track.

Is that the Texas side or the Alabama side? The Arkansas side is the worst side. I worked construction there for two months when I was 17. Two months. Did not see one single attractive woman the entire time. And the place smells like farts because all the paper mills outside of town. So you were just getting laid left and right, huh? That's good. The one weird thing about working that

construction job is this is way back before the days of internet porn. This is like 99, 2000. And you're just beating it and beating it. You're just going crazy. There was internet porn in 99. Not widespread. And there was a guy who everywhere we went going crazy. There was internet porn in 99. Texas was like India back then. And there was a guy who everywhere we went,

it was journeyman construction, so you go all over Texas. He carried a suitcase full of porno mags and VHS tapes. During our lunch break, we would go back to the apartment, the two bedroom apartment where like six of us lived and he would put on the worst pornography you could possibly imagine during lunch and we would

all sit around and watch it during lunch. That was the first time I ever saw. What is it? That was the first time I ever saw a prolapsed anus. Prolapsed anus. I remember where we were. Oh yeah. While eating a turkey sandwich.

Was there any masturbation at this lunch? No. Not that I knew of. I mean, there were guys going to the bathroom every once in a while. Because it was like ugly porn. It was real bad shit. He was also, fun fact, he was also caught peeping on his own daughter. Very fun fact, Matthew Marcus. Next time you preface a conversation...

Fun. No, no, that's not true, Marcus. You stole that from a Laffy Taffy rapper. That's not yours. Yeah, note to self. Every time Marcus says fun fact, stop listening. It's not a fun fact. It's actually really disgusting and gross.

From the world's most disgusting businessman. He just carried a bunch of pornos in his fucking bag. I don't know. I mean, why do you you pee pee on anything? She didn't pee pee. He was watching her through her bedroom window. That's worse than pee pee.

He peed on his daughter. He was peeping through her window. He lived in a place called Looters. I just can't imagine that someone from the south would try to fuck their daughter. That's beyond us. What's crazy is that everyone knows about it. I just can't imagine that someone from the south would try to fuck their daughter. I know. It's beyond us.

You know what's crazy is that everyone knows about it. The daughter just started telling everyone. Yeah, so you think that I'm ugly, but my father wants to fuck me so bad. So you don't know what you're talking about. Well, that's a great, disgusting story, Marcus. Every time you talk about your past, I just feel like I got into a time machine. At least he wasn't raped. We lost the Civil War.

That's what I feel like. I literally feel like we lost the Civil War every time you speak. West Texas is a different place. You can say that. All right, Marcus, what's another story? A young British soap actor is facing allegations that he raped a 14-year-old boy in an effort to prove to his girlfriend that he was bisexual. I'll show you. As the Independent is reporting, the actor, whose name has not been publicly released

because he is a minor as well, allegedly forced a 14-year-old theater student to perform oral sex at him at London's Wimbledon Theater in 2010. The actor, who was 15 years old at the time of the alleged incident, later raped the victim in front of his girlfriend in a theater's internal fire escape. Sort of a Phantom of the Opera type situation here.

If he was a soap actor, it wasn't rape. You don't think so? No. Not the kid who he mouth-fucked, the soap actor mouth-f up uh actor are you having a seizure your last words are gonna be on your tombstone. It's just going to end with dot, dot, dot. Like, I have no idea what he was going to say at the end.

He never finished the sentence. So this guy, did his girlfriend believe his bisexuality after this? I mean, it does not say exactly what the girlfriend believes, but the victim is quoted as saying, he pulled down my trousers. He started touching me and said he wanted to see, so I pushed him away. He head-butted me. He pushed me against the wall and was holding me against the wall.

His forearms were against my chest. The truth was expected to last two weeks. Dude, has anyone ever been head-butted or head-butted someone? Yes, that's how I almost got my nose broken. Right when you got in a fight with the dude at the bar. Yeah, my 29th birthday. It's got to be horribly painful. Put the forehead and the bridge of the nose.

Yeah. I like the head-butt, though. To fend off a rape? No. Yeah. No, to try to get into the bathroom. He wouldn't move! Englishmen, European men, I think, use the headbutt a lot more than we do.

Yeah, they go soccer, rugby kind of thing. Very strong heads with those European individuals. I've heard about that, and I'll tell you, I'm not going to take a headbutt to the chest whatsoever. I'll die immediately. They're strong people. Did you ever see that soccer player who headbutted that one dude and just knocked him the fuck out?

And I like the headbutt because you're also receiving some pain. Yeah. You know, and so I hate you so much that I will inflict pain on myself to inflict a small amount more pain on you. It's really great. Yeah, it's very bad. Stateside, we just like to tackle people. Yeah.

Or just shoot them, you know? Yeah, shoot them. It's pretty much what we do. It's more pitiful than an American street fight Because the guys just end up grappling And no one gets any punches in Knock your furniture over That was the first thing I did

Grab them and get them to the ground Get the pants off with step three Step four is get my entire hand And then quick, light the snake on fire Step four is get my entire hand. Okay. And then quick, light the snake on fire. There's a snake in the building.

There's a snake in the building. Chris, what's your first move? Somebody comes up into the subway, they want to rough you up. What are you going to do? Get a headbutt? Get a punch? I'd go for his dick and massage it

just because you will not. You will freak him out. You will freak him out. Gently too, right? Not forcefully, but very gently and pleasantly. I'm assuming this fight is starting off because of some element of homophobia, so you just go for it, and then they'll...

They'll ease up. They'll ease up. And then they won't ease up real fast. I watched a lot of WWF growing up, so a lot of it is going for the tackle, and this head-butting is just nonsense. I think politely stroking a man's penis would stop him from wanting to hit you in the face, I guess. That or a lot worse.

It's a tough call. It could go either way. Yeah, try that in West Texas. Not going queer bashing for nothing. Yeah, it's not going to work, because that's when he brings his friends over, because they all got a queer to kick the ass of. Yeah, it's not going to work because that's when he brings his friends over because they all got a queer to kick the ass of. Yeah, boss, we got a faggot over here.

I'll be tied to some vehicle and dragged around town, I'm sure. That's East Texas. That's Jasper. We don't go that far. Sorry, sir. Oh, God. What does it smell like in Jasper? What do you think?

Nobody. That's exactly what it smells like. That's what it smells like. They don't even have the weather report, just the smell report. Today it's blah, blah, blah. Tomorrow's going to be blah, blah, blah. And then, of course, Friday it's blah, blah, blah, with a chance of blah. Eddie, if you want to beat the fuck out of somebody, what if he would start touching

you seductively? I mean, I do think that this would... Would you beat him up more? Sweep the legs. Sweep the legs. Always sweep the legs. That's very good advice. See, that's all business. Someone starts touching him gently, he doesn't even know. Right. He's just like, boom, boom, boom.

Take him down. Sweep the legs. Fist to the nose. Stop the face. What if he grabs the dick on the way down and pulls you off? Well, you gotta go with him. Yeah, that's true. You really only Well, you've got to go with him. That's true. You really only have one choice. Andrew, you and I are different people, right?

Because I'm very large and you're quite tiny. So I feel like people fuck with me because I'm so big. And people must mess with you a little bit because you're so tiny. Does that happen to you quite often here in New York City? Yeah, but you're nice and Kissel's an asshole. I'm not mean. I'm not mean! I'm not mean! No, it's a lot of people taking a picture of me while I'm on the subway.

Like, thinking they're being discreet about it. You get that? Like a hot chick? Yeah, it's happened a lot. And every time I see them, I'm just like, I hate, I can't believe it. You're not that small. But when I'm standing next to people,

sometimes it's remarkable how short I am. Do they try to pose next to you? I've had that before. Yeah, because my roommate, Reed Fahler, who's been on the show, is also like 5'4", and I've had people take pictures of us thinking they're being super funny. Now that I say it, it's pretty funny. That was you too, right, Ben? Yeah, people are very bizarre when

when they feel intimidated and i think they they overreact and yeah so i'll get the pictures every now and again i'll just get some random stares but i'll tell you one thing man as soon as i see fucking see a tall chick five foot eleven on that subway i'm the only one that can make eyes with her and what do i do i stare at her he is And I terrify her. He is not, man. He is bringing him home. It's getting it, man. This is the year of the lady with Ben Kissel. That's right. I'm never going to get laid after this year. Ever again.

It's terrible. I'm borderline, and there's always a part of me that's like, I would really love to just hit on 5'11", 6' tall chicks. Man, they're the best. But I'm 6'1", so it's like... You're weak of sauce because they can't wear heels around you. Exactly.

That fucks me, dude. I'm like almost there. Yeah, being 6'1 must suck, Trey. It does. It's horrible. It's so... Holy Lord. The farts you must smell, Andrew, on the side.

You're right there in the ass. I do. I'm at ass level. And this is kind of dickish, too, but it wasn't until, like, probably five years ago, the whole concert thing made sense to me. Yeah. Like, how concerts suck for girls and short dudes. Thanks for loving us together.

No, they're the worst for me. I have to be loud. Oh, I can see everything. No. You can see wherever you want. No, I can't see wherever I want. You're killing loud. Oh, I can see everything. No, you can stand wherever you want. No, I can't stand wherever I want. Hey, you asshole. I'm not an asshole.

I am just standing here. I am being a human being. And my presence makes me an asshole. I had social anxiety for decades over this. I should just start going with you everywhere you go. I'm with you. People give that to me like, no, no, I'm friends with one of them. Yeah, look at that one.

I'm friends with the smallest of your people. Come, Andrew, and then I climb up your back on your shoulders and run away. Oh, you guys could have a master blaster. Exactly. Awesome. Now we're going to go to desert land and perform a fist fight. And then you get eaten by pigs. Don't talk to me about what I want to have happen to me.

a fist fight. And then you get eaten by pigs. Don't talk to me about what I want to have happen to me. Okay, I was 17 in Arkansas and we fed a guy to a pig. I mean, listen, they were hungry and they were pigs. It was amazing. Anyway, the guy's name was Baguette. Bringing it all back. Okay,

let's edit that out. Next news story. Crystal Franson, a 28 year old Tennessean, was arrested in charge of prostitution after law enforcement received calls yesterday around noon about a woman performing oral sex on a man in the parking lot of a busy bp gas station after the cadillac they were traveling in was pulled over about a mile from the service station franson told sullivan county sheriff's office deputies that she performed the sex act on the man in the car, Gary Tipton,

quote, in exchange for a better deal on the vehicle she intended to buy from the 58-year-old. I think it's totally fine and it should not be illegal. Yeah, man. That's bartering. That's the American way. She's just trying to get a caddy. In this economy? It was a full shot.

It's so sad, too. It is. She's obviously been crying. Yeah, but she should have fucking gone behind the BP. Everyone check out the woman and the man here. She's very. Oh, she looks like trash. I'm telling you.

She's done. The way she looked before. I bet this is one of the least. She's got trash. Yeah, she's. That's all right. She's been crying and crying and crying. She's very sad.

For a caddy? Picture sad. Give me a fucking... Is it 1965? You tell me she looks like a pro hooker? She's an amateur. She's done worse for even less. Yeah, you don't just wake up one morning and you're like,

10,000. She's trying to get a better deal. Lay off her, Jackie. Leave her alone, Jackie. She's a nice girl! In her defense, the only thing about her, but on the other hand,

her name is Crystal. In Jackie's defense, her name is Crystal. Thank you. How do you spell it? Tiny hamburger. With a K? No. In her defense, it was a full-service gas station.

And she certainly accommodated the fella. And the crime, she already had to blow that disgusting man. I feel like the punishment is sucking that dude's dick for a deal, Jackie. And I can't believe you're sitting here. You can make a glorious Steinman argument. Woman's rights. If you can't blow a dude for a discount, then what's the point of having a pussy? Her hair is parted down the middle.

That's okay. No, it's not. When you're sucking dick, that's where it has to be parted. Fair. So what make and model are you willing to do that for? Something that floats. A pontoon boat? Jackie's a browse.

Busted for giving head. A hovercraft. Anything that doesn't have wheels. I will do it. Say a dinghy. A canoe? No, not a canoe. Airboats.

One water ski. Like a tube. I'd do it for an inner tube. Like a really nice inner tube. A nice inner tube. The kind with the handles on it. A designer. Is this guy bad?

Is he a bad man for taking a blowjob for the discount? No, of course not. Is that okay? I'd have to see how it all went down. If he was the one who was going for it or if he was the one who... How much is he paying her? How much is he giving her off on a car? Does not say what the asking price was.

What do you think, Ed? That's an expensive blowjob because we ain't doing it car terms. It's not like you're talking 50 bucks. It's a feature. If she's smart, she went for the lower percentage rate. Yeah. It's a blowjob because we're doing it card terms. It's not like you're talking $50. It's a feature. It's a feature. She went for the lower percentage rate. Yeah.

Let's say it's a $5,000 car, Eddie. But she says, let's say I'm there, but I have big breasts and a pussy. And I'm like, I'll blow you. How much of a discount will I get? What are you going to charge me now for the $5,000? $60. Jesus Christ. $60. I'll actually blow you right now.

You're going to give me the car for 60 bucks? No, no, no. That's how much you get off. How much is a blow job? Like, how much do men pay women for a blow job? Fifty bucks. You know what? I think I remember this argument from my economics class.

I think it's $50. Is it $50? The variable is who's giving it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I mean, crack or 50, 60 bucks. But say you go into, from what I hear, from my friend Chris Laker,

if you go into the Asian massage parlors here in the city, 400 bucks. No. Whoa. It's an iPod? That's ridiculous. An iPod. Chris, what are you going to be paying for a blowjob?

Oh, boy. It's definitely one of those oh, boy questions. Oh, boy. I've got to bring my checkbook, make a few calls, do a few transfers. Never pay a whore with a check. I'm really going to probably end up being the guy

who's the guy in the group who says, well, who is it? Yeah. Who's given it. Oh, who's given it. Just a nice gal that looks similar to the girl that... Gal! You know, that's not a woman.

Let's say she doesn't have a college degree, but she went to university for a couple of years. How about that girl? That girl, exactly. The trash. You know, this girl's cute. She's cute.

She's cute. She looks trashy. She looks trashy. She looks like she's been crying. She looks trashy because she blew a dude for a car. Oh, holy shit. Her eyes are two different colors.

One eye is brown and one is blue. She's like the dog at the pound that you want to adopt. Where did this go down in Tennessee? I'm going to go find this girl. I just feel like she shouldn't have been crying. You fucking did this. You offered it. You solicited yourself. Why are you fucking crying? I got a feeling she was crying during been crying. You fucking did this. You offered it. You solicited yourself.

Why are you fucking crying? I got a feeling she was crying during the blowjob. I think so. That's not even fun. And I'm pretty sure he brought it up. And how much more would you pay if they cried while giving you a blowjob? Well, that's the only way I get excited. Tears are lubrication, too.

For those of you who can't see, is a picture of 35 year old Sally Field Who's been crying all day Pretty much Prettier than Sally Field Sally Field in her prime Here we go Top grade A hiding Let's get into this real quick

She's got a pie face Smokey and the Bandit Is she Smokey and the Bandit? You see Hooper. She's got a pie face. Smokey and the Bandit. Okay, this is the deal. Smokey and the Bandit? You see Hooper? I mean, she's got a great ass. God damn it, that beautiful, beautiful hiney. All right, let's just establish one thing.

Ed's a monster who says a bunch of terrible things. The only time he ever gets offended or upset is when you talk. I'm saying Sally Field had a nice ass. I know it. So please, let's just get this off of our chest because this has been bothering me. Ed loves Sally Field. Yeah. And Ed, why do you like her so hot and me. Ed loves Sally Field. Yeah. And Ed,

why do you like her? So hot in Hooper. Which Sally Field? In what movie? Hooper. Hooper? Hooper. Oh, Smokey and the Bandit. Smokey and the Bandit 2. Did you jack off to her? No. I did. Smokey and the Bandit? You did. Sure. For her and Smokey and the Bandit? She's so hot, man. She's hot in that movie. What do you think, Holden? You like Sally Field? I'm going Lincoln, brother.

I'm going Lincoln, brother. I'm going Lincoln, brother. You thought she was gorgeous? Get it out. Yeah, definitely. Get it out. Marcus has pulled up pictures. She's fine. She is just so not that attractive. So hot! How much would you charge

Sally Field if she wants to suck your cock? Charge her? How much would you pay her to suck your cock? I mean, I'd give her a part in a good movie or something. I think that would probably be the movie. Her sucking your cock, and I'd jack off to it

on YouPorn later, which would be very exciting. That would be fun if we knew a... Does anybody know a porn star? I guess we know Michael Schocke. I don't think I could jack off to a... A girl named Crystal from my high school does porn have you ever jacked off to the point that she's been in no she's tiny tits oh listen i have morals real small tits i you know i like them it's weird when i'm jerking off i want big tits when i'm having sex i like tiny tits okay that's what it is. I got nowhere to put your face.

There's other places. Come on, just... Today we just learned how Jackie and Doug have sex. Jackie cries a lot. I have quite the bosom. Your breasts are looking amazing, Jackie. Oh yeah, under my sweatshirt?

Yeah, I'm feeling real sexy right now. Thank you. Alright, Marcus, what's another story? The country's youngest flasher is on the loose in South Carolina. Cops are on the lookout for the 8-year-old boy who last week was spotted walking past a Spartanburg office and dropping his pants and

displaying his genitalia. The lewd sidewalk exhibit was meant for a 51-year-old female officer who called police to report the indecent exposure. I love this kid so much. He's a normal 8-year-old boy. Were you going to too oppress me? Are you looking at me? You want some of this? He's doing what every 8-year-old boy wants to do.

It's penis time. I'm sure Neil Constantine probably did that when he was eight. Yeah, for sure. Neil Constantine, a stand-up comedian here in New York City. I think this kid, you can't prosecute this kid. He's not a flasher. He's eight. How are they on the lookout for him?

What police detail is this? I'm sure he's eight. Why were they on the lookout for him? What police detail is this? Well, here's what. After exposing himself, the boy and five young companions dispersed. Who were laughing their asses off because that kid's hilarious. They probably dared him to do it. Exactly.

They dispersed and headed in the direction of a nearby recreation center. The report notes, further investigation needed. Come on. Leave this kid alone notes further investigation needed. Come on! Leave this kid alone! No investigation needed. And up to 11 years old, you're allowed to drop trow anywhere in town. This is South Carolina. An 8-year-old

kid is showing his dick in South Carolina and they're looking for him? In front of his friends who love everything that he's doing. I mean, Jackie, what do you think about this? The world is changing for the worse. I'm with you on that. I am sick of this. You know, this should not be news.

This kid shouldn't be reprimanded. He exposed himself to me. It was terrible. It was terrible. He ran in there. He exposed himself to me. And his friends, they were laughing at me. They were laughing.

They were laughing. I got soaking wet in my underbelows. It was disgusting. I just feel like if it were my kid, I would just applaud him. I'd be like, you did good, kid. You were funny today. Get on the cigar. Get on the cigar for the day.

Honestly, though, if it's your kid, are you honestly mad at the kid? No. You have to reprimand him, and you have to get pissed off at him, but it's one of those situations where you're trying not to laugh your ass off. The entire time. Like, hey, buddy, you know, to reprimand him and you have to get pissed off at him but it's one of those situations where you're trying not to laugh your ass off. Like, hey buddy, you know, sometimes your friends talk into shit. What are you going to do?

Jonathan, you gotta keep your pants up. You just gotta keep, and just don't show. It's great. Comedically, you did very good. Legally, you did wrong. Like about 17, 18, you may start running into problems. The rest of the story was about how this kid starts fires and hurts animals, we'd all be like,

oh, fuck. This guy is amazing. This kid. I hope they don't reprimand him too hard. He was with all of his dude friends. Of course, that's awesome. I wish I could get away with that shit today. All my friends, while I'm eating,

everyone just runs in different directions. That's what's great about women. Of course, that's awesome. I wish I could get away with that shit today. Like all my friends, while I'm eating, you're like, ha ha ha. And then everyone just like runs in different directions. That's what's great about women. You show your tits, we all cheer. Dudes show their dicks and everyone screams. Put them in prison. Hey, give her some beads. It's totally different reactions.

Because dicks are hideous fucking things. And everyone can appreciate tits. I will say, what we need to do for the dick, put a nipple on it. Just right there on the edge. That would really help the male genitalia. Just put a little nipple on there instead of a head. Marcus just Googled nipple dick, by the way.

Oh, gross. I don't want to see it. I don't want to see that at all. I mean, it's just all I find is a... Growth and stuff? Like weird disorders? All I found is a... Growth and stuff? Like weird disorders? All I found is a nipple the size of a small dick. Oh my god, is that what that is?

Yeah. Look at this shit. Oh my god, it's disgusting. If any of our listeners would like to see this picture, just Google nipple dick. Nipple dick it is. It's so disgusting. Is that on a man or a woman? Because those tits are small, man. That's on a man.

And also, for some reason, the nipple is very wet. Let's not talk about it. You know that Burger King takes pictures of their burgers. Jackie, so somebody, a man, flashes you that nipple or an eight-year-old boy flashes you So Ed You gotta make a change Jackie So somebody A man flashes you

That nipple Or an 8 year old boy Flashes you his penis What would you rather see? 8 year old's penis If I saw that Fucking thing It's the same

Fucking size I would cut it off I would immediately Just fucking hack it I know dude It's like alright Ed You have nipples that size Literally I would

Cut them off You would just Chop them off I would Have no problem Whenever I get Like a weird Like thing that grows on me I would cut them off of my body. You would just chop them off? I would have no problem. Whenever I get a weird thing that grows on me, I just cut it off. You just cut it off? That's why he doesn't have hands.

It's the size of three fingers put together and it's all oozing out of your fucking chest. Right now, Jackie's giving us a show. What if you cut it off And then it grew back But it's angry this time Congratulations You've released a demon Andrew you've been with a chick with very bizarre tits before

I have Is it true because I feel like with my hands My hands are so large, so a double D tit doesn't seem that big to me. It must be nice being a smaller fellow. Like an A breast is big for you, right? An A breast is big for nobody. I'm not like you. You're freakishly small.

It's not like I drive micro machines to work and stuff. This isn't like, honey, I shrunk the kids. No, no, you're an adult. You're an adult. You're too small. How many mice are you friends with? Well, we're going to have to shut down

Andrew Short's restaurant. All of his cooks are mice. But I'm telling you. Anyway, talk about the disgusting tit that you found. Okay, well, uh... I'm telling you, I think my theory is right, though. Okay. There is a truth to the theory.

Okay, so I started dating this mouse who had a great personality. She's a little taller. No, I had a relationship with a girl that lasted like six and a half years, and she had these amazing, amazing boobs. And then I had just had the worst rebound ever with this girl who kind of looked like Justin Bieber. One time I was having sex with her

and I was wondering, was she a boy once? And her nipples had some stray hairs growing out of them. And I was like, that's really... Not that uncommon. I had the hairy nips. You did?

You could take care of that. In a drunken rendezvous, yeah. Yeah, you just... Tape. Put tape on your nipples. Rip it off. Rip it off. Holden, what was your hairy nipple experience?

That was just a really bad one night. It was my worst one night stand. It was just a rough time. She was hairy in all the wrong places. Yeah, so she was like bald with her hair, but her ass was just super hair. Yeah, that was the thing. She was bald. She was a man. An eyebrow like a visor. Looks like the

Toxic Avenger. The butt hair is really shocking. That's the most shocking to me. Butt hair is always frightening to see, but it's so natural to see, but when you're doing something behind, then you see all the butt hair, you're like... That's disgusting. That's gross. Wait, what do you mean? Like, on the outside? No. Like, noticeable

like, noticeable ass hair that you don't It could be there. You might not know. How often do you look at your asshole? But then you flip them over. I mean, I'm fairly familiar with it. I don't feel too much going on. It's time to play the mirror game. Jackie's in for a surprise.

For the fair-haired dames, it's all right. Oh, yeah, I'm real fair fucking hair. That's what I'm saying. You could have some issues you don't know about. You are flawless, Jackie. Trey, you have been with a gal with a hairy asshole, I take it. Well, once, yeah. And that's what I'm saying.

It was a little shocking. I'd never encountered that before. And just kind of roll over and be like, that's new. That's something I've never dealt with. And I got a problem with it right now. And I don't know how to deal with it. What did you do when she was like, suck my dick and balls?

Suck my dick and balls. I have made a terrible, terrible mistake. So weird. I'm actually very interested. Is that in most women's butt? No. Comedians end up with the worst women. You have to know that from the beginning.

At one point in time, we'll have sex or get blown or something with a horrible woman. Comedians. Oh, comedians. Will someone please fuck me for this? It's her. That's the girl. Musicians. Athletes.

They get the cream of the crop. And then the fucking women who are side over towards the comedians, unlike for a one-nighter, are nightmares. For whom, by the way, they're very grateful, guys. They're the whores that are artsy whores. Hey, I appreciate you exist, and don't go anywhere. That's the thing. They're called chuckle fuckers.

And then there's also Lot lizards Truck drivers Lot lizards are much Much worse Much worse How many shades away Are we from being

Truck drivers When it comes to Chuckle fuckers We're much higher I think five steps Above at least You respect women More than truck drivers

Yeah I believe A comedian can steal Someone's life Because you're terrified of women. So what's the list? So we have rock stars. We all agree. Rock stars get number one.

Great A puts in. They get the best. Whoa, whoa, whoa. But football players, baseball players, athletes. Okay, so rock stars, athletes, very successful politicians, people in power. Where is it? I think they're in a different class. Then it's comedians.

Because they do some weird shit that we can't even fathom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They go to the eyes wide shut parties. They can make people disappear. Right, right, exactly. They get the best hoops. That's a whole lever. Right, yeah.

You're Ashley Dupree. Comedians get the best weird pussy. Yes. The best story. Which is horrible. Right, which is the worst. I don't want to keep living like this. which is horrible.

Which is the worst. I don't want to keep living like this. Have you ever thought about that? How many times you fuck somebody just for the story afterwards? I've done that like too many times. You want to hear what I did last night? I was like applauding. You're like, you cray, girl.

You cray. It was emotionally scarring. I was on vacation with my family last week, right? And all the cousins, we were all hanging out together. And we're all single. Nobody's married or anything. And so everybody started with like, tell a crazy sex story. And I was like, oh, fuck.

Like right when it started. Because my brother and sister are there. And I don't want to tell some of this shit. Welcome to my life, Trey. Yeah, because the craziest cousin story was like... You guys were there. You know, my brother and sister. No, but it's just like you don't want to... Because like we said, it's a different circle.

The craziest cousin story was like I went out with some chick and her picture on her profile looked different than she was and I banged her anyway. And I was like, oh, fuck. I'm going to be telling shit that doesn't need to be told. You just have to make something up and if they're calling you out instantly. It's so funny.

You were lying, but to be normal. To be normal. Yeah. Exactly. This girl asked me to stick it in her butt and I was like, I don't think so. That's weird.

I ran out of there so fast it was horrible I called the police. Isn't it weird that all of Trey's stories start with, like, so I was braiding this chick's asshole hair. It's very bizarre. I once dated a girl who had a thin layer of hair all over her entire body.

A lanugo. That was a monkey. What's it called? Is it called a lanugo? In infants, it's called the lanugo. That's like the... It was blonde. All babies have it. You couldn't tell. You can't see it. lanugo. That's like the... It was blonde. All babies have it.

Yeah, because you can't see it. That's what most of it is. You can't see it. It was blonde, so you didn't even notice. Oh, yes. Higher body. From Wikipedia, lanugo is a very fine, soft, and usually unpigmented downy hair on the body of a fetus or newborn baby.

I thought you had something you wanted to say. Were you dating this girl? Listen. She was a British soap star. Interesting. I forgot to mention she was young. She was younger than me. Super young.

I stole her from the hospital young. But in some cultures, they make coats out of it. It's a very nice... That's not true. That's why Morrissey... That's not true. That's absolutely right. It sounds true. That's why Morrissey won't play in Canada.

Let's hit up another news story. Delaina Garling was arrested after she pepper-sprayed some family dollar employees, then tossed the canister to her seven-year-old daughter, screaming, You know what to do, baby! Spray it! I mean, you know, not the worst mother I've ever heard of. She had been banned from this store after allegedly stealing from it. Surveillance video shows Garling being escorted out of the store when she pulls out a can of pepper spray and sprays a woman in the face as she's walking out the door.

After she is tackled to the ground, she tosses the canister on the ground and instructs her daughter to use it. How old's the daughter? The girl is seven. God, did she do it? The girl picks the canister up off the ground, but either chooses not to use it or cannot figure how. Either way, one of the employees grabs it out of her hand as Garling is pinned to the ground until police arrive. Police would find Garling in possession to the ground until police arrive. Police would find Garling in possession of marijuana and eight Klonopin.

Ah, leave it at home. Well, I'm on marijuana and eight Klonopin right now, and I wouldn't want to do that. Too much action. Oh, how sad is your life to be banned from a 99 cent store? This woman has stolen literally dollars from the family dollar. If this tells you anything, this happened in Philadelphia. Our first story, not from the South. Upper Darby Police Superintendent

Michael Chitwood said she deserves to have kids like the man in the moon deserves to have kids. I don't get it. What is that? Whether or not the man on the moon deserves to have kids is a totally different conversation. Why doesn't the man on the moon deserve to have kids? By the way, if he doesn't, it's not a Philly expression.

The man on the moon would be the most neglectful father. Every thing you don't understand is a Philly expression. Hey, man. Upper Darby. Upper Darby is a shithole, but I got to stand up for Philly a little bit, man. Fuck them. Whatever, dude. You're assholes.

They are, but they're very nice assholes. All right, let's do a point-counterpoint. You know what? Never mind. What's good about Philly? The food. The people are really nice. Food's pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait for your counterpoint, Ed. It's just a generally good town. Generally good town. Yeah, it's like a dive bar, but in city form. At Santa Claus. Dude, you don't know what fucking Santa Claus did before that. Good point.

Maybe he deserved it. The Phillies were doing bad two years ago, and someone decided in retaliation they were going to puke on the mayor's daughter. When they're not the mayor's daughter. And again, this falls under you don't know what that girl did to deserve that. I'm sorry. It's the birthplace of American democracy. Yes.

Alright, well, I'm going to give it to you. It wasn't the mayor. It was a cop. It was a cop's daughter. Yeah, it's not Jason. And they beat the shit out of this dude. And also, the dude is from Jersey, all right? He wasn't from Philly. I like how you guys must have just, like, a scumbag register from Philly.

We're like, oh, no, not this guy. I mean, it's really, yeah. I mean, it's not something I'm proud of, but, you know, you got to fucking Philly. Rock on, dude. The guy's eyes all busted up like Philadelphia's own Rocky. I love the sports fans. I love going to games there. I would not hang out with any of those people on a Friday night.

I thought you were from Austin, though. I moved to Austin my freshman year in high school. Ah, but you grew up in Philly before that. Yeah. Ah. Okay. Upper Darby? There's the connection.

No, Warminster. Not far from Upper Darby, but right on the Bucks County, Philly County line. When I was a kid, my best friend was from Philly. He used to always say, never go to Fishtown. Yeah, well, that's a lot of college kids now, but it is a lot of boarded up buildings because he was from philly i mean you learn how to fight that's just kind of part of growing up

when i got it when i got a car he gave me a cue ball and he's like keep that in your trunk in case anyone's ever trying to run away from you wait not in case anyone tries to fight you but in case anyone tries to fight you, but in case anyone tries to run away from you. Get away. Get him right back. Jesus. See, he was a nice guy. He was teaching you stuff.

He did. He taught me how to saw off a baseball bat. See, they're weird mice. They're weird mice there. You got to grow up there to appreciate it, I guess. I remember, like, oh, we're having problems with these kids in school, and he's like, you go to the one, and you take his head, and you throw it against the locker. You see what happens after that.

He bleeds. The other guy bleeds. Did you take his advice? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. No, we fought a lot growing up because of him. That'd be such a good idea, just get bum fights, but kids.

Just make kids fight. We've had that story here before, and in fact people used to do that with me and my friends growing up. The older kids would gather up the younger kids, and they'd make us fight each other. That's kind of fun to do. Naked. We did that in, now I'm thinking about it,

we did that in summer camp. You got kids to fight? Yeah, we'd be like, wrestling time! Oh, that's creepy. Oh, that's creepy. You two fight! With us, it was the one that loses gets his ass kicked.

Oh! You get your ass kicked and then you get your ass kicked? Yeah, it was horrifying. I'm just so glad I'm not a boy. There were some downsides. But I'll tell you this much, I won more than I lost.

I can't believe you. Sure. I remember there was this one kid, Ruben Salazar, and we all wanted to beat the shit out of him, but we didn't know how to go about it. So we all started a fake gang and told them we had to beat him into it.

We had to do it. I feel like you them we had to beat them into it. I feel like you guys knew exactly how to go about it. Initiation. And he chooses the rape. He's like, no, no, rape me in, rape me in. I don't want to be beaten in. Then he's got to join the gang afterward. You're like, fine, just join the gang.

There's no gang. That's the thing. Well, we can come clean and admit there's no gang, or Eddie could rape him. Get in there, Ed. You got small hands. No, you got nice small hands. My tits must look big in your hands. All right, well, next news story. Yes, please.

Jesus Christ. This story is out of Anchorage, Alaska. Police say Daniel Purtle, a double amputee with metal prosthetic legs. Oh, wait. Yeah! Yeah! Andrew Short, everybody. That guy sucks.

Daniel Purtle went into a Walmart and shot a manager after getting into an argument over Purtle's unrestrained dog. What do you have to say now, Andrew? Police say that on Saturday afternoon... I'm seeing leg dog. I'm seeing leg dog. I don't got no legs, but my dog got four legs, so it's like I got four legs.

You get it? Police say that on Saturday afternoon, 45-year-old Daniel Purtle went inside a crowded Walmart in a motorized cart, accompanied by his unrestrained service dog. Is it a drive-by? Is that technically a drive-by shooting? Or. Is it a drive-by? Is that technically

a drive-by shooting? Or is it like a scoot-by shooting? Purtle got into an argument with the store's assistant manager, 33-year-old Jason Mahi, after Mahi asked Purtle to restrain his dog. The argument escalated to the point that Purtle pulled out a gun

and shot Mahi in the stomach. Afterwards, Purtle navigated the motorized cart through the aisles, making his way towards the store's entrance. He was apprehended by police near the front of the store, where officers took a handgun from him, as well as his legs, before placing him... You can take my gun, but don't take my legs! That's not fair!

Fucking Robocop has two steel legs, a gun, a scooter, and a dog. He has to live in Detroit. Jesus. And by the way, the dog's name? Wookie. Wookie the dog. I feel like the cops arrived like 50 minutes after. It took them that long to get to the front door.

And by the way, this is a picture of a man. I don't know why this is the picture. It's not the mugshot, but maybe it's a Facebook pic. Look at that guy. He's just sitting there with no shirt and his big tits hanging out. He's a very fat man. It's very blown out and his tits are so milky white. He looks like he came in 12th at an arm wrestling competition.

He looks like he's 12th, dude. 12th out of 26. He's smiling, Mel, right? Yeah, he's smiling. He was charged with first degree assault and fourth degree weapons misconduct. He's being held on $50,000 cash only bail.

Oh, you shoot a guy and you just get charged with assault. Yeah, it seems pretty light. It's the best country in the world. Wow. That's nasty. You were charged with a hit and scoot. Alright, can anyone... Okay, guess how he lost his legs.

He thought they were cake and ate them up. Yeah, I'm gonna say... Close. Actually, very close. Landmine situation. Caught in a bear trap. Further away. I'm gonna go war situation. Landmine situation. On the bear trap. Yeah, bear attack. Further away.

Further away. I'm going to go war situation, landmine type. Further away. Okay. It couldn't possibly be diabetes. I have no idea. It is absolutely diabetes. Oh, my God.

This guy hasn't deserved anything. Andrew Short is on fire. Wow. MVP. MVP. MVP. MVP. MVP. MVP. MVP.

See, I know. When we've been talking about disabled people this whole time, I've been pretty spot on. Yeah. Special Olympics would love this guy. Oh, my God. The fucking, what is it? Shoot and skeet. Never mind.

Shoot and skeet. This is, all you have to do is overeat, and then your legs can get cut off, and you can be in a wheelchair all night. It's even like overeating the wrong shit, too. Just don't eat all the cake. Candy and soda, right? In McDonald's.

Candy, soda, McDonald's. That makes you have the great life. I have a perfect corn syrup, man. That's what it's all about. Think about it. This is a nice round table health corner. One of the comics in Austin had to get a couple of toes cut off. A comedian in syrup, man. That's what it's all about. Steady diet. Think about it. This is a nice round table health corner. One of the comics in Austin had to get a couple of toes cut off. A comedian in Austin, Texas.

Just a couple of toes. Because of diabetes. Yep, yep. Eddie, when do you think you're going to lose your legs? I'm not sure. Yeah. I'm definitely going to get diabetes. Right.

Yeah. No question about it. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah. And your mother has diabetes. My mother and my father have diabetes. And your father has diabetes. Oh, yeah. No, you probably already have diabetes.

And everyone, for folks who have never met Ed, he is larger than life. They're like, life is really big and the universe is vast, but then Ed's so fat. Right. Did you know that NASA just announced that Ed keeps expanding? Isn't that really bizarre? Yeah. No, literally, Eddie just got a bailout from the government he's too big to fail

on my fat money. You just wasted so many roast jokes on this podcast. You can still turn it around, Ed. Turn it around. Why would you want to? I can't barely turn myself around. Hey!

Alright, we got one more news story for you guys. When 52-year-old Janete Ellis discovered a box of discarded VHS porn tapes near her South Carolina home, Ellis did... Oh my god! This woman's face!

What did she do? I'm sorry. Go back over it. Well, okay. When 52-year-old Janete Ellis discovered a box of discarded VHS porn tapes near her South Carolina home. She went door-to-door in her neighborhood seeking to sell the tapes to neighbors, one of whom called the cops about Ellis' unwanted solicitation.

What? I'll leave her alone. Obama hates small business. Now, Marcus, show them the picture. This woman's coming to your door trying to sell you porn. Your children live there. She's trying to sell you VHS porn. Yeah, your them the picture. This woman's coming to your door trying to sell you porn. Your children live there. She's trying to sell you VHS porn. Yeah, your dog lives there.

Okay? Yeah! I don't care what you guys say. If you're 15 and this woman comes to your house with a box of found porn, she is an angel. She is an angel. She looks different than that with a box of porn that she's selling i call the cops but that you're like well of course you're selling a fucking box of porn yeah but porn is free everywhere all the time well then you tell her no thank you i mean if it's a nice day you don't

call the cops on her that wouldn't be my first response my first response would be shutting the door and going huh that was weird and then it's. Where do you even get all those VHSes? You have to remember, this is a neighborhood in shit town South Carolina. Yeah, they get the internet next year. Exactly. If they're good. They have two buttons on their keyboard.

What are the two buttons? Yes and no. I thought it was P and U. Do you know where Gaffney is? Some shit part of South Carolina. South Carolina sucks. I'm North Carolina, born and raised. We always look down on South Carolina.

I'm from North Carolina. Charlotte, North Carolina. We have values. No, we're going to talk about it for 30 minutes. What are the values of North Carolina? By the way, wave to your neighbor. Always wave. Always say hey. Be nice to the lady at the stand. How do you say hey?

I'm fake! Which is, yeah, it's just a nice way to say hey. I don't know. I don't know what to do with that one. I thought it was perfect. Honestly, you're just the weirdest human being I've ever met. You can't trust him that he's paid by a big tobacco. Of course not. That's the thing.

And he's got a horse neck. And give your friend cigarettes. I like South Carolina. They're more intense. You know, they all have lots of knives everywhere. They're dirtier. Everyone has muddy feet there. Rebel flags.

Yeah, they started the Civil War. Yeah, but I'd rather go to Georgia or Florida. If I'm going to see trash, I want to go to Georgia. Well, Florida has the market cornered. Oh, yeah. A lot of people are like, Disney World, Orlando Studios. But South Miami! South Carolina has all the fireworks, though.

They have so many fireworks. Tennessee's got fireworks, man. Tennessee. You can smoke in the Cracker Barrel in South Carolina. Yeah, you can. It's a dirtier place full of dirtier people. Can't you still smoke in the restaurants

in North Carolina, too? Some places, maybe some like Waffle Houses, but they're really cutting down, which is very upsetting. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Holden. You are very ugly,

so I can't imagine how hideous the people are in South Carolina. Well, yeah, that's why I was elected Dog Face Boy in Charlotte, North Carolina. Here's 1999, 2005.

What? That's a solid one. The first legislation. Really? 2005. What was your first legislation as dog-faced boy? Yeah, I lost to an actual dog in 2006. Oh, really? Yeah, because he could talk like a person.

So he was like a... So now you lost to a boy-faced dog. Essentially, yes. Yeah, he could pass as a person. I went on a whole fucking tirade about it.

Made the papers, but people puked when they saw my face in it. Sure, sure. Well, the thing is, this woman would not have gotten arrested if she had the proper permit. Oh, okay. Or if she had the license to sell pornographic material. So in South

Carolina, it's legal to go door to door, knock on someone's door, and sell them porn. As long as you've paid the county enough money for the right to do that. Is it legal to go door to door and say, will you pay me to beat off in front of you? Probably not. If you have a permit for it.

If you got a permit. If you got a permit. You got the permit because that's porn. You can definitely get that permit in South Carolina. They are filthy people. Let me ask you, guess how much she was selling the porn videos for. 99 cents each. Five bucks each.

You got it, Eddie. Five bucks each. That's a VHS, five bucks each. That's silly. For a VHS, most people don't even have VHS.

She doesn't know her market, man. Jackie, what do you think the price should be? I feel like a whole box, ten bucks. The whole box? Yeah, ten bucks.

Five for five bucks. Man, I wish I still had my VHS porn collection. Two bucks each is five for five. In high school, I had the best VHS porn collection. Of course you did. I agree. Were they by a distributor or were they stuff you taped?

Both. What was your most prized possession of the porn collection? It would be one of two. I literally think your porn collection is just a small hole you drilled into the bathroom. And you just stared through it. Guys, look at my collection. It's very bizarre. It would be one of two.

Either John Holmes, the king of Triple X, which is a best of. He's a murderer. Did he kill somebody? He was proven innocent. Yikes. In the Wonderland murders Not convicted He was there

Who did John Holmes kill? A bunch of people Who stole drugs From a LA club owner Are you thinking about H.H. Holmes As a serial killer? No, John Holmes

Apparently he's a Sex star and a serial killer Who was he banging? Just beating off He was banging All sorts of women Is he the one That Mark Wahlberg

Is based on in Boogie Nights? Yeah, right He's really dead now He died at age Yeah, he's super dead He was banging all sorts of women. Is he the one that Mark Wahlberg is based on in Boogie Nights? He's really dead now, though. He died of AIDS. Yeah, he's super dead. I hear that one gets you, idiot. I'll shake it off. Ah, AIDS.

And the other one, possibly my favorite, Ebony in Black. Oh, God, that's a lot of black. That is a lot of black. That is a lot of black. Oh, God, that's a lot of black. That is a lot of black. That is a lot of black. And I think, ironically, I'm sure the women were very fat. That would have been a great name for a porno, too. That's a lot of black. That's a lot of black.

I also would watch that on VHS. Ebony is the name of the porn star, right? No. There were many different porn stars. Named Ebony is the name of the porn star, right? No. There were many different porn stars. Named Ebony. No, there were many different ladies. Well, who's your favorite porn star? My favorite porn star is...

What the hell is her name? Teddy McGee. Describer Tits. She's black. Okay. Oh, yeah, I know that one. Well, now we all know something. Definitely.

I literally know who it is. It's Jada Fire. It's not Jada Fire. No, she's an old school lady. I cannot remember her name at the moment. But you were about to look up a lot of porn on that computer. I'm looking for a name right now. Eddie, what about you?

You jack off to mostly black chicks, Asian chicks, white chicks, Polish gals. What do you got? We went over this earlier. Big tits. What I was talking about. No, but color doesn't matter. Nationality doesn't matter. I like them good. As long as it's hairy. Good and white. Good and white.

Milky. Don't be redundant. But we used to have this midget porno named... It was called Napoleon. Oh, good complex. So the man was the midget. Everybody? Yeah, the man was the midget. Yeah, I got paid like $15,000 to do it. That's great.

Well, Andrew, you were amazing. What was your favorite part about banging all those real-sized people? You liked it? Yeah, yeah, it was fun to be treated like an adult. That's where I got my nickname from was Eddie Toons. Eddie Toons was the name of the bad guy in the porno. Oh, I see. They were both record producers. No one fucks like Eddie Toons. Eddie Toons was the name of the bad guy in the porno. Oh, I see. They were both record producers.

No one fucks like Eddie Toons. Not even Napoleon. Eddie Toons always keeps his pink socks on. Marcus found it. Angel Kelly. Alright, so let's move on. Oh, she's cute. Oh no, this isn't Angel Kelly. I can show you a picture of Angel Kelly, Eddie. I don't even want to see what you come to when you're all

alone or in front of a bunch of kids. I don't care. I do not think this woman's attractive. Well, that's old pictures. Show the picture then, Marcus. Show the video. Just show your favorite video. He's trying to find a good one.

You jack off to ugly women, Marcus. I don't jack off to ugly women. How is she your favorite if you can't find a good one? Show us the favorite video. Because it is biased against the black woman. Oh, whatever. Oh, God. Here we go.

I feel like you got a really hot girl, so it's okay to jack off to ugly girls. It's never okay to jack off to ugly girls. It's fine to jack off all over the face. They don't fucking deserve it. They're ugly. They love it. Black girls aren't for jerking off. They're for fucking.

Fair enough. That's the thing. And no wiser word Has been said Alright Marcus Stop looking at your Fucking favorite dream girl And get back to Telling the new stories

Can we bump into the segment Alright fine fine Let's go to the segment Yeah it's like You've just been Sitting over there Alright the apocalypse Has happened

Your scenario can have Zombies or whatever If you want I mean my whole situation Is just like Everyone decided to Nuke each other, so there are skinless people walking around, but they're not looking for brains. This happened right now.

Right now. Just now. It happens right now. The apocalypse. This is it. This is the one. First thing you do? It's done.

We all made it through the, like, yeah, this is the first thing you do. We made it through the initial shit. And I'm going to say it happens a couple hours from now, so we've all made it back to our apartments or our weed dens or what have you. So I'm going to essentially pick up, like, I want to say an axe and

you know, I have no guns, so I think I'll just grab, like, the biggest thing I can get, like a baseball bat or something like that. Yeah, just grab Ben. No, I'm going to get the hell away from Ben because he's going to try to eat me zombier now. Absolutely.

I'm going to get all the way to... I'm going to really fight my way. Hopefully, I'm going to make it to you, Ed. I'm going to try to get out there to Catalpa. All right? I'm going to find... I'll be gone. I'm not waiting.

On the way to Catalpa. No, no, you want to wait. You want to wait because I'm going to give you an early birthday present. I'm going to allow you to blow my brains out. Because I'm not going to survive. That's worth it. You'll wait. That's worth not surviving.

That's the thing. I'm going to make my way to you. You wouldn't be able to do it. Oh, of course I would. There's no fucking way. I'll make this noise until he does it. No! Bam! Immediately. until he does it. No! Bam!

So that is my, because I'm not making it. I am not a well-endowed person in terms of survival. Dick. And penis-wise, if it's like a fuck situation. Okay. It turns into a fuck situation. It could, if you want your scenario. Propagate the species or whatever.

All right, Andrew, how are you making it? Well, if this is the apocalypse, the biblical apocalypse, I think this whole premise is hilarious because that would mean our Lord would choose not to have me assume into heaven. None of us. But I feel like I'm a pretty charismatic speaker. I feel like I'm a good... Hi, Andrew!

...painting people. I would blame it on a lesser group of people and then just do some Stephen King the Stand shit. The mayor of nowhere. Nuke the fuck out of LA. I think I was doing that. I think that would be good. I feel like anything in the world of the stand is A-OK.

I'm down. I figured out the other day, I've spent literally an entire day of my life watching The Stand. 24 hours. Watching it. Over and over and over again. You've been the creepiest you've ever been today. Am I wrong? I really think that it's been...

We're all in a dark place. Kiss them off. It's a dark place. Kiss them all. It's a dark time for me, man. You're doing great, man. I gotta pee. Say something. All right. I don't know.

What I would do? You're dying. Dead. No, I don't know. I would probably just go to the deli and eat a bunch of meat and die. Yeah. I mean, what are you going to do? It's the apocalypse.

Would you kill yourself? No. No, no, no. I'm not going to kill myself. I mean, what are you going to do? It's the apocalypse. But would you kill yourself? No. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to kill myself. I want to kill myself every day. If it were the apocalypse, I would definitely do it. This is my thing.

I think about death more than I think about sex, but before I think about killing myself, I think about mowing down a bunch of people. So I would probably, honestly,

get off my medication, number one. Number two, just go crazy. Just like, just start snapping necks, stabbing people. Really be the reason that we have a government, because when we don't, I go nuts. So that's what I would probably do,

and then I would just let time run its course, and I would get shot or killed in some random way. That actually sounds more convincing now. It's real, too. I'd be like, yeah, he's got the chutzpah that we need. I'd go nuts. Ben only takes his medication because there's a government around.

Because I can't act the way I want to act because people have changed so fucking terribly. Yeah, blame the people, Kissel. Yeah, because all of a sudden you've got to do tiny things with tiny thoughts. And it's like, I have big ideas with big hands. Oh, God. This sounds so rapey.

You sound so filled with rage. That's so rapey. I think you would do great as my enforcer as we had Wes Ben go murder that's a comic book cover I would be chained and tethered to you for the apocalypse as long as you want me to be chained and tethered to you and I would kill everyone for you

I would ride you through the apocalypse as long as you want me to be chained and tethered to you. I would kill everyone for you. I would ride you through the west. I want you like a dog. That's the thing. If somebody told me to murder somebody, I could do it and be like, well, I'm helping out my friend. I would feel validated. Especially off your meds. Exactly. That would totally make sense to me.

My meds are Coors Light. I'd switch to whiskey. So Trey, what do you got? I'm staying behind Kissel and then I'm grabbing Marcus and Ed, anybody else that's familiar with guns, going to the local

police station. Are you familiar? I said anybody that's familiar with guns. She's from Florida. I can do anything you want. Go to the closest police station.

I don't want nothing to fucking do with you, Trey. Fucking loot the place and then yeah, head to the galleon family compound in Tennessee, or whoever's family lives closer, and then that's the first stop. It's not fair to ask a stoner who has thought about this every hour of his life. What do you mean, go grab my fucking bag that I already have made up for this shit?

Because that's in Philadelphia, and the trains are down. Maybe go, yeah, grab certain things that I may or may not have already locked away here in the city. We're just going to go to the roof. Like this is a no-brainer, man. You guys find me. How about that? That's what I'm doing if this shit goes down. I'm waiting for you guys to find me, and then we'll head out.

I'm going to go and say I got a good segue into that because I have a boss, and my boss's fiance actually have go bags in case the apocalypse happens. We've talked about numerous times she thinks that it's going to be a big disease that's going to spread like wildfire, and she's like, number one thing, make it back to our shop. It's a shop that I'm a manager of. So you get here. She's like, we will get out of the city. Matt knows how to get out of the city. We're going to get

out of the city as fast as possible. I know, Matt. You're seriously going to fucking depend on Matt for this shit? I'll do whatever. What, am I going to depend on my boyfriend? No, no, no, no, no. I need someone bigger and stronger. Ed, I'm going to need you to meet up with us. You do what you can.

After you blow my brains out. Yeah, I'll tell you. Get out of the city. You have to make sure you can swim at least fucking two miles. That's right. All the highways and the bridges are going to be done.

filled with shit to survive for a few weeks. Yeah. Just to wait till all the shit dies down. My job is procreation. I am very fertile. I'm ready to fucking... I've always wanted, like, orgy rape situations. I'm leaving my boyfriend behind,

and I'm just... I'm out there to start the human race again. You can't parlay the apocalypse into a way to get dick. That's fucking ridiculous. Why not? That's what it's all about. Because at the end of the day, I'm just gonna fucking die anyway.

I might as well get pumped full as much fucking dick as I can until I'm dead. I'm trying to argue but you can't really because I was like even if you didn't spit out a kid before but you're still filling yourself with dick. Chris, what are you going to do Chris? I am just, it's all this talk of Florida

I'm just going to, I am legend it in a nice red sports car down to Florida Disney World. The most ideal place I could find. I'm going to to I am legend it in a nice red sports car down to Florida Disney World the most ideal place I could find I'm going to be on the Dumbo on the Dumbos with a rifle just shooting if I need to just in denial the whole time crying my eyes out thinking about all the people

I've lost but on Dumbo man up and down that's actually awesome you could ride as many rides as you want do you know how many people have that fantasy but it's not the apocalypse? It's me and it's all the time. Ed, what do you got?

Alright, so after I race to Holden's to blow his brains out. She's coming to me? I can just hang out? Well, we're going to be halfway. Okay, we'll meet at Montreux Stop. I got something for you I gotta show you. Ed's so diligent about it, he's ready to go. Yeah, but then,

because that's already bad news. First thing you do is cut off the friends. No more friends. Because, you know, it's the apocalypse. You gotta be ready to kill these people or abandon them in a heartbeat. Although, if there was anyone that I would ask to kill me, it would be Ed Larson.

I appreciate that. Or Marcus. Marcus would kill me too. But Larson. I appreciate that. Or Marcus. Marcus would kill me too. But then no weird shit with our bodies, Marcus, please. Why? Why not? Why not?

You don't know? You're dead. No, fuck the shit out of me. That's my job. Thank you. Fuck. You're such a prude, Andrew. Jackie says that

because she knows that they'll kill her right away. They'll take care of her right away. There'll be no hesitation. None. Well, then you gotta get off the away. There'll be no hesitation. None. Well, then you've got to get off the island. All right? You've got to get off Manhattan.

You've got to get off Long Island. That's the hardest part, man. All right? So that's the first thing you do is you get into the middle of America and you keep going to the middle of America and south. Yeah. Yeah. All right?

You get down there. The least amount of people. Don't talk to women. Forget sex. Sex is done. All right? Do you masturbate? All the time. Why are you acting like the apocalypse

is different than your life now? I feel like a dude without sex might as well be a zombie. You want to survive, you've got to cut women out because people kill for women. So forget about it. They're done. Women are done. This is just surviving.

It's true. I'd say most deaths in Walking Dead have to do with the... What about the other generations? You know what else you do? Once you get set up. You've got to meet people that you don't care about now because you're going to need stuff for them. So what you do is you find a wedding ring off a dead man. You put it on you, and you talk about the horror story of what happened when you tried to save your family's life.

You're going to innately care for someone, though. So you tell them, everyone, this is the horror story of what happened when you tried to save your family's life. You're going to innately care for someone, though. So you tell them, everyone, this is the horror story of what happened, and so you meet all these people and when they're sleeping, you either murder them and take their stuff, but you're doing them a fucking favor. Or if you don't like them, you just take their canned goods.

And if that's prepackaged, if it's open, don't eat it. Then you just keep going south and then don't eat animals. Don't eat anything that was alive at one time. You're saying you wouldn't take care of me?

I wouldn't even know that you were. I would assume that Doug had it handled. I would find you. You would take care of him. At that point, that's like, if you don't get a hold of me, I'm assuming you're alright. Marcus, do you have a scenario? Myself? Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah, I'm making it back home. All of you guys are wrong. Traveling is the worst thing you can do. You have to stay put, defend your home. Yeah, but then you lose all of your food. You're an idiot. Not here. No, because if you stay put, you're going to run out of resources.

Especially here in the city, you're going to run out of resources so fucking quick. We live in Brooklyn. All it is is food that could exist. Millions of people. Cock and a nuclear holocaust. Cockroaches. Trying to kill you for your food. No one's trying to kill me, man.

Not right now, they're not. But wait. Cockroaches and hostess fucking Danish cupcakes and things like that. They're always going to be around. I will say this, that out of all of you, the only person who actually talks about surviving is Eddie.

Everyone else is like, I'm going to die. I'm going to become a spiritual leader and wipe out a race. I'm going to die. If Gizel hadn't said it, I would have, I would just fucking

off myself the second it happened. In reality. Super Bowl ending. But you know what? If I'm going to go for pure fun, it goes to Chris.

There you go. Super Bowl ending. You got to go to Disneyland. All right. So Chris Orillo. It is. Chris wins it. Chris wins it.

Wow. Ed Larson. Hold on, Mc McNally, thank you for being here. Andrew Short, Chris, thank you. And Trey Galeone, thank you so much for being here. I am Ben Kissel, and that is Marcus Parks, and we will talk to you very soon. Does it really pronounce Galeone? No. It's Galeon.

Galeon. Perfect. Like a ship. Oh, you owe me a go! You owe me a go! You owe me a go! You owe me a go! Yes! USA! USA! USA! USA!