The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 14: The Thing That Should Not Be

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Okay, so we started off trying to talk about something serious (Korans and the Ground Zero Mosque) and we ended up talking about rape chickens born out of Ben’s asshole, then we had a two-part Pedophile Corner which was followed by an in depth conversation about birth rape. Goddammit. Every fucking time.

Start us off with a prayer, Henry Zabrowski. Special guest, Henry Zabrowski. Special guest. I'm a special guest. Yeah, that's for sure. In the name of the uncle, and the fuckhouse, and the tiny baby Jesus.

This is a thing. Dear God, give me protection out here on these streets I walk. Growing up, art school, playing saxophone. Please, God,

because you know these hoes today. Dear Lord, give them sense to hit me up. And sit here as I sit here in my basketball shorts. I am Kevin Barnett. Thank you, Kevin. Wow, that was wonderful. Just powerful. Thank you. The uncle. Thank you. Welcome to the

Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who the fuck is everybody on this round table of gentlemen? I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Ed Larson. I'm Alderman Neely. 2012 gonna die. We're all gonna die. It's only 2010. Henry Zabrowski of the Polish affiliation.

Yeah, from the chuckle hut. Coming up from the deck. All right. Breaking the glass ceiling. Getting in there. Sitting in for Master Blackster, Henry Zebrowski. Yeah. Serping a spunk.

It's me. In the chuckle hut, we got Carly Goodspeed. A little bark. Adam Wertz. Yeah. And a fellow named Mike Racine. How are you, Racine? What's up, buddy?

Hey, doing all right. And as always, newsman Marcus Parks. I'm Ben Kissel. Marcus, what the fuck is in the news, man? What's in the news? You just can't lose. You can't lose when it's in the news. The Koran burning is off.

Yeah. What the fuck? What am I supposed to do next weekend? This weekend. This weekend. He was going to do it. Who was going to burn the Koran? I'm way behind on this.

A fellow named Terry Scott, right? A pastor in Florida. Oh, in Florida, of course. September 11th, he was going to honor a day full of hate, filling it with more hate. It was going to be fantastic. Nice. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So this guy said that he stopped the Koran burning because apparently he had gotten a phone call from these mosque people at Ground Zero. And Gates. He got a phone call from Press Secretary Gates. Robert Gates. Robert Gates. So I think that's our Defense Secretary, Robert Gates.

There's not even a mosque there yet. There might never be. I just don't even understand how he got a phone call from the mosque people. I thought they all lived in caves. That's the thing. It was a rotary phone. Oh, okay They used one of those old timey phones

They were calling from the past, too, right? Absolutely Into the future Doc Brown helped them It's amazing You would think the religion of Islam would want them to do this Koran burning That's going to be 500, 600 sales that weekend How are they going to get all these Korans?

They've got to buy them somewhere Amazon.com is going to be heating up Korans, Korans, Korans 1-800-KORAN We've got all the Korans. They've got to buy them somewhere. Amazon.com is going to be heating up. Korans, Korans, Korans. 1-800-KORAN. We've got all the Korans. A man can burn. Get them all that hot.

Get them all that hot. On fire. Burn. Literal burn. Literal burn. And the thing is, these Ground Zero Mosque people, they're ready to

get out of the game. They're so sick of it. There's this dude, he lives in Long Island, Staten Island. He's like, you know what? I'm so fucking fed up with this shit. I had no idea it was going to be such a big deal. I think there's a mosque in the Pentagon, for fuck's sake. He's just like, buy it. 18 million bucks.

Just buy it from me. I don't want anything to do with it. There's a Shinto temple at Pearl Harbor. There's all of this crazy shit. People have been doing it before. It's not new things. No, not at all. Not at all. But you know what? Who's wanting it?

You know who's wanting to buy it? Dave and Buster's. Oh, that would be amazing. I love skee-ball. They're the ones that own the tower lights, right? Because it's such spectacle. They're all about spectacle. I think Dave and Buster's is American religion.

Overpriced food, shitty-ass video games, and beer. That's pretty much perfect. I wish it was. That's not religion at all. I wish it was. I go there every Sunday. I don't know about you. I just go to David Buster's

instead. That's what I do. The man that's wanting to buy this mosque. The holiest of all holies. Donald Trump. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Fuck yeah. He's switching over it. Get Mr. Money in there. No, he doesn't want to make it a mosque. He wants to make it like a Trump vessel of fucking beans. It's going to be called Get Mr. Money in there. No, he doesn't want to make it a mosque. He wants to make it like a Trump vessel of fucking beans. It's going to be called Trump Jacuzzis.

Who knows what the fuck the guy's selling. Did he say what he's going to do with it? No. It's probably going to be a hotel. He literally just said the word tits. That's it in response. It's going to be a new Cirque du Soleil show. Yeah, yeah.

Called Tits. But it's pronounced t'wa. And surprisingly enough, even though it's pronounced T-W-E-T-S. And surprisingly enough, even though it's called Tits, it's still going to be just as gay as the Cirque du Soleil show is. Oh, yeah. I just love it. This controversy over tainting the 9-11.

That whole area is full of strip clubs, bars, gay bars, the things that Satan loves the most. It's like that taints 9-11 more than a fucking mosque. I want to get Racine's take on this. I said taint. I love that. Taint right between the butthole and the balls. It's like, that taints 9-11 more than a fucking mosque. I want to get Racine's take on this. You said taint. I love that, right between the butthole and the balls.

Racine, what do you think about this whole mosque controversy? What side are you on? I don't think it really matters. Get on into the mic.

I don't think it, how about now? Yeah. Perfect. Alright, so now I'm going to try to say something intelligent.

I don't think it really matters. This is the round table. Don't try too hard. Right? If they build a mosque, nothing's going to happen. And if they don't build it, nothing's going to happen. You know what I mean?

It shouldn't be that big of an issue. Who cares? That's absolutely correct. Nothing is going to happen. They might get a Molotov cocktail down there. Which would be a pretty bad fucking ace. If that mosque would bring back the Molotov, I'd be totally down with it. Doesn't this whole story, though, just kind of feel like a distraction?

It's a distraction from Sarah Palin's tits, is what it is. Why aren't we just talking about Palin's tits? It's a distraction from a distraction. It's a distraction from the end of the Mayan calendar in 2012. There you go. I'm trying to take the tension off. We're coming up. That's what it is.

No, I think that's a conspiracy. Well, the thing is that, actually, Donald Trump has offered $6 million in cash to this Egyptian businessman, Hisham El-Zanati. It's like the first person who, like, wins the scavenger hunt of his. I was like, you gotta get a hot dog from Nathan's. You gotta go.

You gotta ride the cycle three times. It's like a bad Bloomberg art project. You'll find this six million dollars inside a gigantic piano in the Bronx. Hasn't America given

the Egyptians enough fucking money already? Yeah. You know they're like our number four people we give money to? Really? Yeah.

Well, the pyramids are amazing. Any place that has mummies, I think you should be throwing money at those people. Keep the mummies under wraps. Yeah, that's his thing. Keep the mummies in amazing. Any place that has mummies, I think you should be throwing money at those people. Keep the mummies under wraps. Yeah, that's his thing. Keep the mummies in cages.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This is the show of puns. Show of puns, people. Muslim women are under wraps. Well, the thing is, this guy, if he takes the $6 million, he's going to be making a 25% profit for what he paid for the building.

Not bad. Yeah, not bad. But he's going to be making a 25% profit for what he paid for the building. Not bad. Yeah, not bad, but he's still turning it down. Well, because he wants 18 million. He can't undercut him by, what, 12 million bucks? He wants 18 or 20. He said he wants 18 or 20 million dollars. Wow. At least he's fluctuating, you know?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, there'll be a lot of... 8 times 7. 19. 56. Yeah! Ed wins the math. Ed wins the math. What age is Ed gonna die at?

56! Figure that out when you wish. You fucking wish. Fuck yeah, bro. That's a good age. I mean, Carly, are you upset that the mosque isn't gonna exist?

I mean, those Muslim men, they have a lot of money. They're very powerful folks. You can go down, you can husband hunt whenever you want. They're, Carly, are you upset that the mosque isn't going to exist? I mean, those Muslim men, they have a lot of money. They're very powerful folks. You can go down, you can husband hunt whenever you want. They're all good looking, too. They're fine looking men. They have nice beards and good teeth. That's not true. That's not true. Well, you never know what they're doing over there. They've got to get some acne

to medication, but nonetheless, Carly, what do you think? I'm all about the looks. I mean, that's been established amongst friends. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Carly only dates beautiful men. Absolutely. Yeah, according to dogs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Carly only dates beautiful men. Absolutely. Yeah, according to dogs. Oh! When dogs date men,

they choose the same men that Carly chooses to date. I do what they do. Thank you. You realize, Carly, we just brought you on the show so we could make fun of you for an entire 45 minutes.

I know. What's new? What's fucking new about that? I just don't want to wear all the robes. Well, you don't have to. It's hot. It's going to be hot outside. Yeah, but it's like you're always wearing a blanket and you love to sleep.

Absolutely. I'll make you a special little burka and nice little garbs. We'll have your nipples cut out. You're going to be tittied all day. There you go. That'd be the best fuck you. You just get like The nipples Cut out of a burka

Absolutely And the vagina cut out of a burka And the asshole cut out You just walk around like that Put Carmen Electra in it Yeah I'm gonna start that I'm gonna start that trend

You know what Ben I know you've had a You're a big fan of porn Oh yeah I think you could Parley that into a good movie A nice Yeah What do you call it Nuns on the Run Already exists Yeah Just call it a big fan of porn. Oh, yeah. I think you could parlay that into a good movie. What do you call it? Nuns on the Run already exists. Just call it

Necessary Holes. What if you call it Burkaki? That'd be kind of fun. Just jizz all over her burka. And then at the end she takes off her mask, revealing she's a man, and she just licks it all off the fucking thing. It's a surprise ending.

No one cares. Yeah. Surprisingly. No one gets to the ending ever. So it doesn't really. I've never once made it to the end of a porn. Yeah. Who are there credits in porn?

As soon as the asshole starts gaping, I'm done. You can't laugh just after that. No way. I go four, four and a half minutes in and I'm good. Well, you don't, you don't continue to watch after... After you come? Yeah. No, it's not proper viewing material.

It's just after you watch porno. The great thing about porn is there's no fucking cuddling afterwards. You just fucking do it. You come and you're in there. Don't you wait? Don't you like rub on yourself? No, no. I just start beating immediately.

No, not 16. Yeah, you just want to do it one time. That's it. Multiples. Jerk off and then you start watching something that helps you. I'll tell you, I'm like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Cock. Every time I jack off to porno, as soon as I come, I look at the screen and I'm like, that is disgusting. Whoever looked at this.

You look at the worst shit. You could go try to swallow apples with their ass. First of all, that's fine because that's a good of nutrition, and that's what gives them the buzz. Blow White is a wonderful movie. Blow White's incredible. The Seven Little Dwarves. But those cocks weren't dwarves, I'll tell you that much. Those cocks were fucking hardy-ass working Russians. Wait, don't they all have

like full-size man cocks? The tiny ones? Some do, some don't. Really? The ones in porn do. Oh, good, good, good. Just like the dudes in porn have giant, horrible cocks. You know, I don't know what it is, but Russia keeps coming up on this show. I love Russia. Russia's fucked, man.

Stalin! Russia's coming up, and the government is saying, to be patriotic, smoke and drink more. Exactly. Why'd they get rid of drinking after 10, then? Well, it's not a very consistent country. But then they get rid of drinking after 10 then? Well, you can't buy beer after 10. It's not a very consistent country. But then they're like, why do people keep drowning? Why are there all these fires? This is the problem

here. Well, that's the thing. They're planning to raise taxes over the next three years on booze and cigarettes. So if people smoke and drink more, then the government makes more money. It's brilliant. It's exactly what we do here, only we have those fucking terrible anti-smoking campaigns where they

milk the throat vessels and get all that sludge out like Man vs. Wild trying to get protein in the woods, sucking on a gusher. I'd love a good throat milking. God, Lord knows that would help me out so much. Yeah, you definitely, you got some extra fluid. Yeah, you want that cock right down your fucking throat.

Oh, and Jackie being mean to me again. No, but I bet the inside of you looks horrible. Oh, my God. Can you imagine? I think about it sometimes. I just imagine it's just a smaller, tighter version of you. Yeah, yeah. If you pull back your skin, it's just a more condensed holden.

It's just like... It's covered in tar and gin. Tar, gin, whiskey, pussy juices. Not many pussy juices. Not many pussy juices. As soon as they get computers to ooze, maybe you'll get a pussy juice. Even when you hang out with the ladies, you don't get their juices. No, none of the juices. Just more like the stink.

You get their farts. Yeah. You've got to get wet somehow. A little sharp wet. I'm always like, oh baby, I'm gonna make you cum so hard you're gonna fucking fart so bad.

She's like, let's stop this. Let's eat beans. Well, every fifth chick is just like, girl, let's do it.

That's when I sneak into his room at midnight. I put on a nice little brassiere and I pretend like I'm a woman. I tuck it. You've been nice to me, by the way. That's very nice. Always kisses my left titty. Real sweet.

That's what I call roommate time. Absolutely. That's what I call roommate time. Speaking of fascist governments, Fidel Castro just came out and officially denounced communism. He's 84 years old, about to die. The country's been in shambles. He's been about to die for about five years. He's got another ten years. But he just came out officially and was like maybe it

wasn't the best idea meanwhile three generations have just died miserably and he said the uh the uh the missile what do you call that the uh where they had the missiles there's a bay of pigs all that bay of pigs yeah he's like oh that was just a stupid thing oh He was just, we shut that down. Oh, it was silly nonsense. I'll tell you. It's like someone talking about eating White Castle the night before. Yeah. I think it's something

to do with the fact he's just wearing jumpers now. Jumpers just make you relaxed. Well, it's because you're all loose. You know, you got all looseness in your crotch.

It's a shirt and pants. And pants. That is what a jumper is. Thank you very much. It's all in one. Adam works in the chuckle. You want to weigh in on Fidel Castro's latest comments about how terrible he's been running the country for the past two generations?

I thought he was dead. I thought he was just a robot. It very well could be. It definitely is. Man, that's probably why he fucking flip-flopped like that. Maybe. What's happening is his brother, Raul. Yeah, Raul? Yeah, yeah, Raul has been the one that's pushing towards it

Let's do capitalism Slightly Who is Raul I'm thinking Street Fighter Raul As in Raul Julia They just want iPods They want iPods They want iPods

They are sick of mangoes and octopus We're the only ones who want them Yeah I can't get enough of the shits. They want cool shit. They are sick of mangoes and octopus. We're the only ones who want them. Yeah. I can't get enough of the shits. They're just sick of slinging sugar.

They've been slinging sugar for the past 60 fucking years. They need a new product. Everybody needs sugar, man. Everybody needs sugar. Dulce de leche. How many? Cuantos?

Cuantos dulce de leche? That's all Cuba. Every day. Every day. Every day. If I have to hear dulce de Lepe's one more time. I don't speak Spanish. Racine, you want to talk about communism in Cuba?

What do you think about that, buddy? Come on up, buddy. Come on up. You against it? You for it? Do you think Fidel is fucking being a total puss and changing his mind? Or do you think communism just went through a rough 70-year patch and it's going to be all good soon? We should send Fidel to fucking China.

We would make that place a thousand times better. He'd kill all the Chinese. I don't know very much about communism, you guys. No one does. You sound like you know the most about communism. You're talking fucking communists. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, it sounds great. I don't know much about it. I got some shit about commun communists. Yeah, exactly. Oh, it sounds great. I don't know much about it. It sounds good. I got some shit about communists here. The Communist Party in Germany, they were sending out a bunch of pens to children just to be nice. Pens?

Pens. Okay, just write pens. They just want everybody to write shit. Everyone needs to write shit. Turns out they bought a bunch of nudie pins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they gave them all to children. That's great.

So the Communist Party in Germany is just like a frat. No, they're down for a good time. That's the best way to get people. All right, we got something from Carly back there. Germans love to fuck. This one time my Aunt Gail. No, sick with it, man. Tell me more about your Aunt Gail. Oh, this is fun.

I know. She was throwing a birthday party for my four-year-old niece. Oh, this is getting good. So her Aunt Gail's throwing a birthday party for her four-year-old niece. She gives out these little birthday bags and instead of giving lollipops, she gives condom lollipops to all these fucking

four-year-olds. They all took them home. And then it was like, Aunt Gail. That is Obama's America. If I had gotten a condom lollipop at the age of four, maybe I would be different. That would be fantastic. The fuck is a condom lollipop? Yeah, what is it?

I was going to say that. I don't know. You suck it until it explodes. It's a condom covered in candy. And then I guess you put it on. So how many kids choked to death that day? Apparently the comment was like is this chewy? Is this bubble gum?

If I gave a whole party full of children condom lollipops I would be put in a concrete square for 20 years of being a registered sex offender Yeah you might get put in one just for talking about it Do you have to suck the lollipop to get to the are being a registered sex offender. Yeah, you might get put in one just for talking about it.

But what do you have to do? Do you have to suck the lollipop to get to the condom? Yeah, so you can suck the dick. So the condom's going to be totally ruined. So you're about to fuck a girl and you're like, but I've got to suck this lollipop first. Hold on. I'm going to chew it down. I've got to chew it down.

You're ruining the integrity of the latex. They're going out of business. How many licks does it take to get to the center? It takes one bite You know what Ed you were saying earlier that Germans love to fuck. I gotta say, my favorite type of porn, German porn. Oh, really? Of course it is. Because it's the weirdest, creepiest porn you can find.

No, it's not. No, it's not. You know why I like it? Because everyone's have... Shit-none faces? Because they're all blonde? That is a common misconception about German porn. It's pretty normal in German porn.

I like... Ben knows his porn. So do I. Yes, you do. I think you're more of a connoisseur, actually. I'm a bit more of a connoisseur. That's a compliment, fucked-up-ly enough. Thank you, thank you.

The reason why I love German porn, everybody's having a good time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. What porn are people having a miserable time? What other porn are you watching? American porn. They're having a great time. They're getting paid mad money. Yeah, you ever see rape porn?

That was my one. I'll use that for that. You ever see rape porn, though? That was two. It's porn. That same thought counts as one. You ever see rape porn, though? Well, I mean, I don't like to watch rape porn, but it's never real rape. Have you seen it, though?

Well, of course. Of course he has. Of course he has. He tells me about it all the time. I starred in a few pictures in the mid-90s. It was kind of fun. Rapist Vacation 1. Rapist vacation one. Rapist vacation four. We had a problem with producers. That was a pretty good time.

Unfortunately, I was abused. I was the child victim. How were you abused? I was 14 years old. You were abused by the porn? By the people raping me for the show. Oh, nice. What's the diameter of your anus, you think?

It's gone back to normal, but I tell you what... It never goes back. No, it doesn't. What's normal, though, in Kisselland? How long does it take for you to poop? Does it just fall right out? I haven't pushed in 15 years. Which is actually kind of nice. It's just like rain falling.

It comes out in like egg form, like a big egg. I called Milton the other day and thanked him for stuffing his big fist in there earlier. He's actually a very nice guy. He has to drown the horrible chickens that come out of that egg. They're just like... It's a chicken body with Ben's head. That's the fucked up thing about it.

Well, once a fist goes into your asshole, it's got to come out somehow. You know what I mean? That's something I live by. It could come out the other end. No. It could do a whole series of things. But, you know, it's never fun. It's never good and it's never fun.

Well, now that we're on the subject. Uh-oh. Y'all ready for Pedophile Corner? Hey! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I'm going to get you, kid.! I'm gonna get you, kid. I'm gonna get you, kid.

Come here close. I'm dressed up like Donald Duck. I got my dick hanging out of my pants. I have diabetes. Got two stories. Uh-oh. Got two. First one, we talked about Joseph Fritzl quite a bit on this show.

Love him. Fritzl's pretzels. Big him. Fritzl's pretzels. Big fan. Fritzl's pretzels. That's the fellow out of Switzerland, right? He had the children. Austria. He had all of his kids.

He fucked them all in the basement and had a couple of kids with him. Real nice guy. Turns out, America's got one. Oh. Our own Fritzl. It's like the space race. Our very own Fritzl. His name is Jeffrey York, which coincidentally was the name of my principal in high school.

Not bad. Jeffrey York. Texas. He had seven kids, ages three months to 19. How many mothers? Just one. Oh. Just one.

Just one. Interesting. And he made them all dress in 19th century clothing. He's vintage. Does that make him a pedophile? I don't know. He fucked old fashioned. He fucked them the whole time.

But that's also old timey. Yeah. That has been going on. Stop living in the past. I don't mind it. If they're wearing Victorian clothes, then they're dolls. They're automatically dolls. And you can fuck dolls.

That's fine. You know, I think it's fine. I give it an A+. Jackie's wearing a bonnet right now. She's wearing a bonnet. Fuck me, please. Here are the charges. Let's do it, brother.

That's kind of weird. Racine, come on up. Just in this guy's defense, none of us have kids. So what if we would want to put all seven of them in 19th century clothing? I think George Foreman also did that. Here is his criminal counts. Rape of a child under the age of 13. Oh, wow.

13 is a new bracket? Above 10, though. You're like, 13? A kid will be fine after 13. 20 years, not 40. I guarantee you he does have the quietest kids in the room. They haven't said a word in 12 years. Well, he kept one kid in a small room for most of a year

with limited access to food, water, bathroom facilities, and the rest of the family. He's making them tough. Yeah. That's all. He just wants to play ball. Sounds like the way I live, for fuck's sake. Adam, alright, you have seven kids. Three, five, age eight, nine,

thirteen, and an eighteen-year-old with huge cans. Sixteen and eighteen with huge cans. First of all, anyone that Adam has is gonna with huge cans. Huge cans. First of all, anyone that Adam has is going to have huge cans. Yeah, yeah. Let's play a game

fuck, date, or marry. Okay, yeah, fuck, date, or marry. Fuck, date, or marry, Adam. Adam, all right, yeah. And the other ones you just throw into a garbage can. The thing with the 18-year-old

that has huge cans looks just like you. Okay? It's exactly like you. All right, so what do you do age three? Fuck, date, or marry? Those are my options.

You can always throw one in the garbage because you get six kids to work with. Fuck, date, marry, one of them you throw in the garbage. Oh, okay, one. Well, I'm going to throw the young one in the garbage. Just for rules, yeah. Just because it fits in the garbage can makes sense. Live it for today. That's great.

Age five. I'm not trying to get maturation out of life. That's okay. I'm going to marry her. All right. Marry in the five years. Keeping her pure. That's a contract. You can't marry any of the other ones.

Age eight. I'm a dater. All right. How many times? Once. That's it. Are you going to fuck her after you date her the first time? No, you can't do both.

I don't think you can do that. You can't date and fuck one. If he plays his cards right. You can't throw the 18-year-old in the garbage. He'll just keep different names. Henry, tell me, what do you think the date between Adam and his 5-year-old daughter would go? I think that they'll go down to Coney Island, get some ice cream. They'll go on the carousel.

She loves ice cream. I'll tell you what. She loves ice cream She loves ice cream She just licks it up She just loves being outside Yeah, she just Because it's so hard In the Victorian clothing

In the tiny room She just loves to get out They walk down the beach They go down to the aquarium And then You Dirty pop her underneath the boardwalk I think taking a

I think taking a child You're fucking down to Coney Island is actually brilliant because you're like, look at all these freaks. This is what normal people are like. Now look at your nice father. If I considered every single time my father took us to Coney Island a date. Yeah, I dirty popped him under the boardwalk every time. See, these are family secrets.

Dirty pop family secrets. All right, age nine, Fuck, date, or marry. Fuck. They're starting to get crazy. Age 13. God. You know, I just... She's going to be all into

Death Cab for Cutie. Slit for clit, man. Slit for clit. Yeah, let's do that. We're going to go with age 16. Oh, she's definitely going to get fucked. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, age 18.

Are you not going to buy her a car? You got to buy her a Thunderbird or something. No, I'm not doing anything like that. What? So she can run away, you idiot? What are you talking about? I need to drive back home to him. I already got to change some stuff.

You can't go to her car. She wouldn't be there. I wouldn't do this whole turn of the century bullshit, man. That's just, I'm a lazy rapist. That's way too much work. Too much stuff to take off. Yeah. That's why you're having the kids in the first place.

You always have multiple holes. Yeah, I just don't want to run out of holes. He's doing 19th century, but he's doing naked dungeon 19th century. Yeah. All right, to finish it up, age 18, huge cans, looks exactly like you, beard included. Kill it. Yeah, buddy. Adam works.

Thank you so much. All right, as always with the mug shot, Eddie, give us a description of this guy. This guy looks like a police sergeant who just tried to swallow a watermelon. So he's big in the neck? Yeah, he's insane He's got a big neck He's got a really big neck Very broad shoulders What did this guy do?

Same guy Yeah, yeah Oh, this is the guy Yeah, yeah Is he dressed up in colonial garb? No, not at all Black t-shirt Black t-shirt, that's it

You see, I feel like I would have even felt even I mean, I don't, I'll never feel good about it, but I'd feel even slightly better if he had like a tri-corner hat on. Like while doing it. Like a pilgrim. Yeah. I'm George Washington. He probably wore Chevy shirts and like shirts with deer on them and shit like that.

He's a fancy daddy. I think we gotta wrap up Pedophile's, because this would have been absolutely disgusting. No, no, no. We've got one more. One more. Holy Jesus. We've got to cover it. We'll make it snappy.

We'll make it like a jazz tune. There is a manual out there called How to Molest Kids. 170 pages. Oh, like you don't know already. Oh, no. How dumb are you to need an education on how to fuck a child? Is it written by anonymous? It's written by a guy who calls himself The Mule.

Oh, God. So he... I bet you he transfers kids for... He's probably an underground kid smuggler. Probably. He's The Mule. No, no, he's got all kinds of tips, detailed instructions on one... A.K.A. donkey dick.

One... It must be more difficult to jack off a tiny penis. Right? How is it one point in America, catch her in the rye illegal? And now we have a book where you can fuck a kid in 170 ways. Oh, Chase, what's gonna get published? This got published?

Should we compromise a little bit and just say we can ban this one? Yeah. That's what that church should be burning. They need to be burning 170 ways to fucking touch a child. He probably wrote it... That's what that church should be burning. They need to be burning 170 ways to fucking touch a church. Well, that's the thing. He probably wrote it. They'd have to print it out first.

Oh, they haven't printed it? I mean, it's not like this is published. Oh, it's just handwritten? Yeah. So it's not a book, really. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It gives detailed instructions

on the journal. So that means he won. It's a composition. Yeah, exactly. It's all handwritten on, like, cheeseburger wrappers and McDonald's. It's like Kevin Spacey's Kevin in Seven.

But that's how that woman started with Harry Potter. She started writing it on napkins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Same difference. Was he trying to sell this then to like Penguin Publishing or something like that? Was he trying to like get this published? No, no, no. Just a good Samaritan.

Just putting something out there for people to read. It's like what Thomas Paine did during the revolution. Exactly. It's more of a pamphlet than anything else. He gave him the old John Hancock. Took me a second. The knight of pawns. All right.

So what he gives, detailed instructions on, one, how to find victims, two, how to scare kids, how to not telling their parents. And three, how to molest them. Mike Racine, I want your opinion on this. Say you molested a kid. Let's just say so. Let's just hypothetically assume it is true. How are you going to scare the kid into not telling his or her parents? Gee, that's

a good question. It's not that kind of a question. Because they'll probably tell their parents at some point. I would hope they do. Or at least their parents will be like, why do you have roller skates? Why do you have new roller skates? What, you think this guy has got money? No, I don't think so.

I said roller skates, not roller blades. Oh, excuse me. I met a girl this weekend who said that, like, her mom was a single parent, and she told her that, like, if she turned the hot water on, alligators would come out and eat her. So maybe I would do something along those lines. If you tell your parents there's going to be a werewolf that's going to come and molest you.

Yeah! It's far worse when I molest you. Yeah, you think I was bad? Yeah, wait until you get that werewolf dick in your yeah. Wait till you get that werewolf dick in here. Wait till Benicio Del Toro gets in here. Claws on the clit. There's never any good. Yeah, unless you live in Africa.

Show her the movie Candyman when she's five. And then go in the bedroom dressed up as Candyman and do it. That was a great idea. Sounds like you've done that before. Holden, how are you going to do it? How am I going to do it? How are you going to. Sounds like you've done that before. Hold on. How are you going to do it? How am I going to do it? How are you going to scare the kid into not telling the parents? Scare the kid into not telling the parents.

Just look at them. After he's done sucking it, just show him my cock. Or I could use a different route. We go into the ball pit, right? That's where I've always dreamed. You're in McDonald's for some reason. Racine's got something here. If you were really good, you could be like,

you know why you shouldn't tell your parents, and then you just pull out his mom's decapitated head. Because your parents are dead. Your parents are fucking dead. Never talk to the dead, you little idiot! That's gotta be the end of pedophile court. I don't think I can deal with that anymore.

I just love that usually it's not women that get caught for pedophilia because it just makes them lucky. No, no, no. Women get caught for pedophilia. Yeah, teachers. Yeah, the teachers are really... One last thing. One last thing on this subject.

We've got to end this one. One last thing. I just want on this subject. We've got to end this one. One last thing. I just want to have Carly in her Wisconsin accent be a mother responding to a child just saying he was molested by a priest. Mommy, it was fantastic. I went to church today, and Father Steve was so sweet, he let me drink some wine. And then he lifted up his robe, and I saw his pope. That was great, Carly. Oh, no.

Oh, no. That's awful. Well, that's a very realistic mother's reaction. All right. That is pedophile spucking corner. Carly is shell-shocked, by the way, over in the corner. I don't know. All right.

You know what we're going to move on to? We've got to move on to the crocodiles. That's exactly where I was going to go. We're seeing crocodiles eating people, and there's this place over there, Newsman. And Belize, on the advice of a psychic, a whole town stormed a crocodile sanctuary and burned it down to the ground because the psychic said the people who owned it were feeding villagers to the crocodiles. Crocodiles live in the water, though, so you're not going to kill any crocodiles, right? You fill it with gasoline, you can do a good number on them. I guess so. villagers to the crocodiles. Crocodiles live in the water, though, so you're not going to kill any crocodiles, right?

You fill it with gasoline, you can do a good number on them. I guess so. I guess if they have to come up, and crocodiles definitely have to come up for air every now and again. I hate these little fuckers, man. These little Belize fuckers killing all the crocodiles. I love crocs. Crocs are amazing. They get upset when you feed them the dogs, so why not feed them the people? I think that it's fine.

I'll tell you one thing a Belize has got. It's dogs. You know, they can spare to lose a couple dogs, man. Yeah. You know who burned them? You should be the mayor of Belize. The judge. Mayor?

Feed the dogs. It was 85% of the vote. Take los perros and give them to the crocodillos. Good accent. Thank you. You know, the people that burned it down, Mayans. Oh. Mayans are still existing?

They're back. They've got indigenous. Oh, yeah. South America's full of indigenous Mayans. 2012, man. That's what they're getting ready for. They're getting ready for the end. They don't have any boats or planes or bombs.

They have no way to actually cause the end of the world, though. Well, they all have little digital watches on that are set for December 21st, 2012. And it's just like, as soon as you hear all the bleeds go like, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, we're done. Yeah, but you don't think they have any boats, though? Isn't it all rivers and shit down there? I don't know. No boat that can cross an ocean. Yeah, that's true.

Hey, Eddie, you know the only thing? I don't even. No boat that can cross an ocean. Yeah, that's true. Hey, Eddie, you know the only thing... I don't even know the point. The only things that survived? Two dogs. Thank God. Exactly. Good for those dogs. We come to the crocodiles.

Dogs don't light on fire as well as crocodiles. That's what we learned from this. That's the thing. You think that the hair is going to catch on fire, but no, no, no. Scaly scales! That catches on fire. Marcus, what else is in the news?

This is disgusting as shit. Is there a feel-good story? Did a rainbow have a small child that became president of Peru or something? No, that shit don't make the news. Let me go through here. Women battle birth rape. I like this one.

That's not fucked at all. What do you mean you like this? No, it's kind of funny, though. I mean, if I was a doctor, this is like a cheap chance to feel up two people, a baby and a mother. It's kind of nice. It's kind of a fun thought, right? You just want it not fucked.

Okay. Man, I think the title of this episode is going to be Don't Listen to This. I would. So what it is, there's a growing movement against birth rape. I'm against it. Was there a growing movement for birth rape? Was there a whole coalition of doctors that were for this at one point that now needs to counter a fucking group against it?

We thought it would help the babies learn how to fuck. But then when we realized that the babies didn't know what was happening, you've got to stop the rape. Humble babies, though. Humble babies. Maybe I'm stupid. So you're saying that the second the baby comes out of you, they start raping it immediately? No, no.

They rape the mother while they're delivering the baby. Don't say that. No, Jackie has no incentive to have a child. The thing is that your diameter is so fucking big, you're not even going to feel it. Well, here's what they do. So what is the point? Here's what they do. What's the problem, really?

These women in labor, they oppose any vaginal intrusion by, quote, fingers, hands, suction cups, forceps, needles, and scissors without consent. How are you going to get it out? I don't know. Squeeze it out. No, man. You got to get some pull. That's why everyone's hands are fucking deformed. You're the only woman.

I can see you giving birth already, where the kid's like halfway, they're like, we can see the head, and you just start playing with your clit. Oh, this is great, this is great, this is great. Get me off, get me off immediately. Wait, so are we talking about like fishing for babies? Like you stick your dick in, you get a little nibble, and then you like yank it out?

It's kind of like fishing for babies. What's that game from when we were kids with all the fish and they would chomp and you had the little magnet? Mooney, that was the real doctor game. See, people, I think with this, like, they're going a little bit far because someone said, here's a quote, the tools of birth rape, which is just funny. Is this just a medical term? They can't call it anything else? They couldn't call it just like anything else?

Yeah. It says the tools of birth rape are wielded with as much force and as little consent as if a stranger grabbed a passerby off the street and tied her up before having his way with her. Who said that? Conan the Barbarian? Like wielded? Who is writing the news? What is happening? I just feel like if you could fit a dick in while the head of a baby is coming

out of you, doesn't that make you more of a woman? More of this. Newsman! Newsman Marcus Parks! What do you got for us? We're starting over. No, fuck me. Holy Jesus Christ. Fuck me, I ain't got nothing else.

Except for I got Morrissey calling the Chinese a subspecies. Which is huge. And I love that Morrissey said that. That's absolutely hilarious. A subspecies? In Morrissey's defense, he said that because of the way they treat animals. That's not in

his defense at all. And also Morrissey's ridden the Q train. Oh yeah, can we talk about I'm missing Kevin Barnett today. defense at all. And also, Morrissey's ridden the Q train, so. Oh yeah, can we talk about I'm missing Kevin Barnett today because somebody was stabbed on his train. Yeah, somebody was stabbed on the Q train, which is the reason why Henry Zebrowski is here

instead of Kevin Barnett. These streets are hard when you're on the Q train. These hoes today. Alright, alright, alright. The fucking. All right. All right. Great replacement. The fucking news is over. Holden, what do you got for us?

All right. Well, this segment's all about you, Marcus, because one day you're going to die. I know. All right. And we all know this fact. So I went ahead. We are ready.

I went ahead. I jumped the gun. I'm not ready. And I wrote you a eulogy. Thank you. Oh, nice little eulogy. Thank you. Thank you.

Do you want to set the scene of a funeral? Yes. I'm not ready. I wrote you a eulogy. Thank you. Oh, nice little eulogy. Thank you, thank you. Do you want to set the scene of a funeral? Yes. I'm waste. I feel great. Who's going to fuck on the grave? I'm going to fuck you on the grave. Marcus is dead. Fuck me on the grave.

That's because anyone wants to pay attention to the funeral. Grave stones or kidney stones? I don't even get that one. Quite honestly, I don't get that one. Marcus was a good man. No. A real Texan. Well, that's true.

If he taught us nothing else, he learned us real good on one thing. Don't try to fuck a goat. Yeah. Because there is a good chance that that goat has a donkey lover. And it's got fuck bags. That for unexplained reasons found a gun and figured out how to use it. And that donkey will shoot you in your fucking brains.

It's very plausible. Marcus was more than a newsman. He was a damn fine newsman. Marcus was more than a newsman. He was a damn fine newsman. Who regaled us with stories of inbred neighbors and shitting in the goose pond. An avid collector of comic books and weird-ass porn, Marcus was a simple man. Can't argue with that.

And by simple, I mean retarded. The simplest of men. This is a good eulogy. Who knew? I'm happy I got wasted for this one. Who knew that one day Marcus would one day claim the biggest titties in Arkansas by planting a little flag in him? Pour some liquor on it. Oh, good.

He also figured out who really shot JFK he did it Marcus if I could see you today I'd say holy shit a fucking ghost kill it kill it with flame kill it with flame Marcus Parks a lover a liver of life a badass boot stomping

motherfucker me the rest of the round table a lover, a liver of life, a badass boot-stomping motherfucker. Yeah! Me, the rest of the round table, and your 19 ex-wives, we're all gonna miss you, buddy. Can I get a fucking A? Fucking A! Can I get a fucking A?

Fucking A! Fucking A. There's a buffet at this funeral, right? Oh, yeah. Where's the buffet? I gotta get to the buffet. Oh, no, there's gonna be brisket at my funeral. Hell yeah.

Wow, that was the nicest eulogy ever, Holden. Thank you, Holden. Thank you very much. We should get Marcus dead. Yeah, yeah, so I can really give it. I'm ready. Get some brisket. Yeah, I want some brisket now.

I am so ready for death. Come on. You look ready, man. No way we're killing you on air, man. You don't even need any evidence. Absolutely. And plus, if you kill me on air, who's going to produce this thing? Tell the terrible, terrible news stories that are all about death and molestation.

Yeah, that was a lot of bad news. Christ, man. This was a biggie for horrifying. It's not our fault. We just project the world. The world comes to us, and we just regurgitate what the world offers. It's just been a bad week. It's a terrible week for humanity.

It's been a tough week for people. Absolutely. Could you just imagine if an alien species, like we're gone, an alien species finds just the roundtable recordings and has all of their understanding of what's happened in this world based on... Yeah, all women are sluts. All women are sluts. And they love to talk about rape.

Yeah. And... Once a podcast. But Xanthor, the one thing I will say is they are some cool dudes. Ah, yes. I must find this weed they speak of. We gotta wrap this episode up, which is very unfortunate. I don't know.

Does anyone want to say anything positive about the world before we leave? Yeah, man. Nothing for Maddie. Everybody gets fucked, and it's great. Okay. Nothing. All right. Ben, you're funny.

You're funny. Oh, God. What a terrible way to end. I got nothing good to say about you. No, because we've been just. That was a lie, what I just said. That's the thing. It was a lie, what I just said.

You know what I like? Danish women. We are fucking done with this week's round table. Thank you so much, Chuckle Hut, Carly Goodspeed, Adam Warts, Mike Racine. Thank you for being here. We got Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McSquealy. We got sitting in for the man Kevin Barnett, the one and only Henry Zabrowski. Glass ceiling!

He's a faggot. Newsman Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel. Try to recover from this. We'll be back next week. God damn. God damn it.