The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 140: Ronnie Dykes

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this, the 140th episode of the Round Table: bears in Russia are addicted to huffing jet fuel, a man is arrested for hunting a deer in a Walmart parking lot, and a rabbi right here in New York City kills two babies with herpes after sucking circumcision blood from their baby penises.

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen of discussion civility gentlemen always civility all right charlie brown oh i'm sorry i thought it was a mic are we good yeah good good everyone please close your eyes for a guided meditation yeah that's so relaxing in the middle of the woods, you're a beaver. You're working on some wood with your tiny little teeth. Chip chop, chip chop.

Various soothing noises of the woods fill your ears. I'm a man-tooth bear. I'm a man-tooth bear! Get away from my damn house, man-tooth bear. I'm a man-tooth bear! Get away from my damn house, man-tooth bear. Oh, surely, surely, Mr. Beaver. Now you cascade down a river. It turns into a waterfall. You slide down it.

There's a couple of tiny cocks in there. Oh, like in the water? What are you boys doing here? They're just floating around? They're brown! Oh, no! Now they're white. Good, comforting. Now they're yellow. Now, please

just remember your spirit guide. Is it a Jaws-like shark? Is it a fat Ben Kissel? Is it a skinny Ben Kissel? That's never happened. Has he taken the weight off? Either way, he guides

you into a bright, sparkly light with a bunch of fucking gross, ugly people sitting in a room having a time doing the round table of gentlemen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Sharp as ever. I'm a medium Ben kissle right now. Alright, who's everybody around this round table?

I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm hump, hump, humping it today. Oh, yeah, Jackie is humping it now, Matt Larson. What does that mean, Jackie? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I feel like a fucking rabbit. I'm a rabbit girl. Good.

You look beautiful. You have tennis rackets on your shirt? Yeah. That's stupid. I'm Holden McNeely, and I've got cooties, bitches. Oh, circle, circle, dot, dot, baby. Oh, right. Sit in for Kevin Barnett. That's good. Sit in for Kevin Barnett. What do we got? Champagne.

Caviar. The finer things in life. Henry Zebrowski. Wow. Classy gentleman. Why have you changed, Henry? Oh, you know, because of my liner perfume I'm selling. It's made out of seal urine. Really?

So if you love seals being aggressive, sexually on you, try some ewe to ewe. How do you spell that? It's the word ewe, and then D-E, and then ewe. And where can we find this product? It's the word uh, and then D-E, and then uh. And where can we find this product? Oh, in ham stores and fucking, I don't know. Libraries filled with dookie shoes.

I don't know. I wish I knew. You gotta go. Ask Ed's fucking mother. Oh, nice. God is that. Oh, man, that's great, because Eddie's mother loves ham. It's in Tom's River. That's awesome.

Yes, yes. I am Ben Kissel, with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first story? Well, Holden, it's funny you should mention bears. Is it? Is it? Was it? Yeah!

I don't know if it was. I laughed, and I laughed! Brown bears in Russia's Far East have developed a habit of sniffing discarded barrels formerly filled with aviation fuel until they pass out. Hell yeah, dude. Bears party harder than any other animal. The containers were left in the Kronotsky Nature Reserve and the nearby creatures picked on the strong smell of kerosene and gasoline.

The animals loved the smell so much that they have begun deeply inhaling the fumes for minutes at a time before digging shallow holes for themselves to lie in once they've achieved their desired state. That sounds awesome. Marcus, tell me, is it true that Russian bears have human-looking feet?

Let me see here. Let's see. Yes, it's true. I love that these bears enjoy huffing. Huffing's a very strong drug. Eddie, do you stand by your statement? You think bears are part of the most out of any animal? I mean, we always hear about this. Bears ransacking liquor stores and drinking everything in beer distilleries.

Is the deer a close second? Because I feel like you hear similar things about deer as well. I feel like the moose is a close second. Really? Yeah, moose gets fucked. I think the dolphin. If there were liquor stores in the ocean, the dolphins would be grand sacs. It would just get mixed in with all the other waters.

It would dilute all the liquor. Now, Ed, is a bear the animal that you would most like to get hammered with? Absolutely. Well, I don't know. Gorilla. Yeah. I've got a real story about a bear looking to party. All right.

I was talking to my friend madeline she was out in colorado doing her restaurant chop chop and a wonderful chef yeah that's what that means they have a they have a big bear problem in colorado and her roommate had just come from her other room um it wasn't didn't Madeline, it happened to the roommate, that she walked out, she heard all this crashing in the living room, and someone had left the sliding door open. A bear was standing up, had the refrigerator open, and was literally knocking beer bottles out of the fridge

and was licking it up off of the floor. Hell yeah! I do that every fucking weekend at 3am. That's exactly how Ben drinks. That's amazing. What did she do when she saw the bear? Because it's doing such a great human drunken Ben Kitzel.

It doffed its cap. Right. Take a sip of porridge that was too cold. See, these bears in Russia have a similar type of addiction. Igor Spilnok. That's the name of the bear. Who is taking photos of bears.

He's an Italian-Russian. That's what that means. Igor has said that some of the bears have become so addicted to these barrels that they stalk helicopters waiting for them to take off and leave drops of fuel into the hard soil for them to sniff. Wow. Awesome. Cool.

And here's some pictures of these bears. Check it out. There's a bear rolling a these bears. Check it out. There's a bear rolling a... These will all be on the Roundtable Facebook page. They've also learned how to operate a radio and they're just constantly listening to CCR. Man, look at how desolate

fucking East Russia is. I can't imagine living in Russia. Here's a bear trying to open up a fuel tank. God, he's doing such a good job. He is. He's so cute. They are cute. And here's a bear super fucked up.

No! He's sleeping. It's laying in the snow. It looks fucking gone town. It looks just like Kissel. Get a job, bear. I mean, it can. It's huffing all that sweet leftover oil.

That's such a good picture. It's just open barrel, him laying in the snow, spread eagle. Loving his life with a little bear heart on, dreaming about bear things. There you go, Bissell. Now you have a great backup plan if this whole podcast thing doesn't work out. Go to Russia, be a bear. Dress up as a bear. Do you that?

I can get some hair. So what happened with Madeline's roommate when she saw this bear in their kitchen? Do you call the cops or do you shoo the bear? No. So what happened with Madeline's roommate when she saw this bear in their kitchen? Do you call the cops or do you shoo the bear? No, she opened up the door, saw it, and then immediately slowly closed the door and just hid in her fucking room. And waited for the bear to leave. What would you do? That's how you die. Call the police.

Call animal control. No, her phone was in the living room. The bear was using it, ordering a pizza. He knows how to a pizza. He knows how to fucking party. I would be more terrified if I saw an ostrich. I would be. That's silly. You could beat up an ostrich.

No, ostriches are insanely intense. They're very intense, but you could win that fight. You think so? Yes. I don't know. They kick hard. They do kick. I know, and they got claws. The lord, you can snap that neck. You can put your knife and just fucking hack at its middle. Yeah, but you got to get it first.

They're wily. Yeah, but the snake, it's not like a snake. It's not like whipping around. It's not like a snake. You can get a hold of the neck real easy, right? And then while it's struggling, yeah, it's cutting you up real bad. It's going to cut you up. Yeah, exactly.

But then what you do is you grab a fucking snake knife from the thing and fucking stab, It's also pecking you in the face. Yeah. It's anti-American to be had in ostrich. Anti- thing. It's also pecking you in the face. It's anti-American to be had an ostrich. It's an Australian animal. It's a Muslim technique. I just can't believe we're having this conversation.

Would you rather fight a bear or an ostrich? I'm telling you, I would be more scared if I saw an ostrich. What do you think, Kevin? I would just do my natural tactic, which is to dance for it. You just perform a beautiful dance for the bird. And take it, rape. And rape too.

Fine. Is it killing me? No, it's making love to me. I wouldn't love to be in these situations. I bet they're really soft in the belly. Yeah, definitely. No, I think they're bristled filled with grime from rolling around in the fucking slime of Australia. Kissel's used to fucking that kind of shit.

Take it easy, Jackie. I haven't had sex in quite a while, and the woman that I did want to have sex with was offended by me, so let's move on. Yeah, he used the word mulatto in a text. Mulatto, which is a fine word to use. It would have been fine if he spelled it right. No, okay.

No, I am a mulatto. Do we want to start talking about it? Because I can discuss. Before you go into it, how many fucking podcasts have you already talked about this on? Just one. I spelled M-A-L-A-D-O The Urban Dictionary Spelling of Mulatto.

Can you trust the Urban Dictionary? Yeah, you can. Because they're positive. It's not a real thing. It is a real thing. It's online. It's like saying Oriental. It's not a. Yes, they do. It was a mixture between blood. It's not a real thing. It is a real thing. It's online. It's online. It's like saying oriental. It's not a real word anymore.

Oriental's offensive. That's what I'm saying. You can get the rug, though. No, mulatto. Is mulatto offensive, though? To her, it was. Is it a style of sauce? Oriental sauce? Yeah, you get the oriental sauce.

No, absolutely not. Well, at least you didn't call her like a halfie. Yeah, oriental's for objects. Right. Not for people. A.N. is for people the oriental sauce. No, absolutely not. Well, at least you didn't call her like a halfie. Yeah, oriental's for objects. Right. A-N is for people. Oriental wife. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, oh, oh. That's offensive.

Well, if you buy her, you can call her an oriental wife. That's what I'm saying. She's an object. Yeah. Urban Dictionary has... Anyway, Urban Dictionary is a very trusted way if you want to go have racial slurs, go to Urban Dictionary The thing is, he said mulatto But then what he was thinking was He was thinking of the cookie

Mulatto It was a slushie joke It was a joke about a slushie Is she a mulatto? No, no Then why does she care? She's a white woman and they're the worst What I am saying is

Let's not aggravate our base here. It is a slushy... It was a slushy joke. Cup size. Mixing slushies. Not about cup size. It's massive. I mean, through the roof.

I mean, there's not even a bra size for her. No, no. She goes to Gander Mountain and she sews a bunch of tests together. She has two hammocks strapped to her chest. Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. I mean, she's not even a human being. I mean, not to me anyway. But no.

I hope she listens to this. Oh, she doesn't. a human being. I mean, not to me anyway. But no. I hope she listens to this. Oh, she doesn't. Oh, good. She doesn't. No, she doesn't care about anything I say. She's upset by Mulatto. She doesn't listen to this podcast. She did a handstand when her breasts touched the ground.

She literally can't do a handstand because her breasts touched the ground first. Before her hands can even reach it. She does a breaststand. And I'll tell you, she looks so attractive. Okay, well, let's move on to another story here. Before we get erections in the room. This is a story out of Pennsylvania. Love Pennsylvania.

Good. Bumming trees. Yes. An Indiana County man is facing several charges after wildlife officials say he went deer hunting in a Walmart parking lot. You can get everything there. He was just shooting at fat people. Yeah, they were having a clearance sale on antler gloves.

It was a joke about slushies. A mulatto joke. I know. I just want to clarify that. It wasn't about the people. We have broken Ben. How early in the podcast? This is the earliest we've ever broken Ben. I mean, it's less than 10 minutes. Good, good, good, good.

Yeah. No, that's wonderful. The Pennsylvania Game Commission says 40-year-old Archangelo Bianco Jr. Great name. Phenomenal name. Yes, yes. Fired several shots from a handgun at a 10-point whitetail deer from within the Burel Township store's parking lot. It's a 10-point white-tailed deer from within the Burel Township store's parking lot. I mean, it's a 10-point

deer! And then bagged the animal near Old William Penn Highway. Well, at least he cleaned up his mess. He did. Yeah. Bianco was shopping at the store and saw the buck in the parking lot. Oh, Finn, I gotta shoot that 50-foot deer! I mean, what else is he gonna do with the deer?

It's running around a fucking parking lot. That's true. I mean, what else is he going to do with the deer? It's running around a fucking parking lot. That's true. I mean, the deer wandered into a wrong part of the forest and I mean, it's going to get shot. I mean, I feel like this is okay. It's not the forest. It's Walmart. Have you been to Walmart? Oh, it's a jungle, my friend. No, it's like if we go into the wrong part of Bed-Stuy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If we're shot at, we deserve it. My question is... Hey, look at that fucking deer over there. I am a man. Would that be appreciated if I could be addressed as such? What if gangster started wearing camouflage and orange and walking around? Look at the scope and the scope has antlers painted on it so it's like whatever they see of us is antlers. We gotta decrease the surplus population.

I mean, you could literally make the exact same argument that deer hunters make to kill deer that black people could make to kill hipsters. I mean,

they're just, every winter, there's fucking, they're coming over and every spring there's more of them. I saw some fucking idiot with this big,

dumb, snoopy winter hat on with like the paws hanging out of the thing but he's like trying to act cool on his iPhone Instagram and shit

at the dollar store and I was just like somebody beat the shit out of this person. It's not right now. I'm sure it happened right after you left. Oh yeah.

I mean I was wearing a human centipede shirt in my but that's different. Yeah. I watched a Black Power speech on YouTube today. How did it go?

It was suggested in between all of the guitar instructional videos That's different. Yeah. I watched a Black Power speech on YouTube today. How'd it go? It was suggested in between all of the guitar instructional videos and the country western videos my boyfriend watches. And it was right in the middle. And basically what he was saying is that since they give us less ammunition, he's like, I watched a 12-year-old white girl shoot a deer from like 50 feet away. And he was saying that white people are going to shoot better so since they're getting less ammunition they're only allowed to buy

so many ammunition that black people need to learn how to aim better because if they only got one bullet it better go through a head yeah I mean he's right that's true that's very nice I wear a big head extension thing that I've been doing now I mean, he's right, though. I agree. That's true. That's very nice. I was so scared.

I wear a big head extension thing that I've been doing now. It's like a thick energy. And this makes your head look like Holden's size of his fucking head. Oh, wow. Too big. And so it's like an extra six inches to the top. And they'll go for that because that's where they think the brain is. More of me to kiss.

More head to be kissed about. I don't think that's what it means. Rub your fucking pussy on it, bitch. Is that the one that's disgusting? That's what I'm going for. Is that a stereotype about the white people that we know how to shoot better? That's the thing. That was his claim.

A white man with a gun is a very scary thing. It is terrifying. That's very true. According to charging documents, the deer ran around the corner of the Walmart and Bianco hopped out of his truck, gun in hand, and began firing multiple rounds at the deer. He missed and chased after it.

He was shooting with a handgun. You're not supposed to hunt with handguns. It's just like he had a handgun on him. He saw a deer and just like instinctively just started shooting at him. You never know what a deer is going to do. They're crazy animals. They're rabid.

I kind of like this guy. Concerned shoppers packing the area on a busy day for holiday shopping. This happened at Christmas, by the way. Called 911 to report a man with a gun running through the parking lot. And the thing is,

this comes after a four-month investigation. It took them four months to charge this. You know, and if I was a dad in that scenario, I'd look to my kid

and be like, you know, that's what happens to when one of the reindeers misbehaves. Maybe you want to do your homework a little bit sooner.

It took so long to prosecute him in Pittsburgh because they're all jealous. I think that's great, though. The sheriff said, number one, we're a big hunting community, and people that are legitimate hunters were very upset about this. Number two, people were at risk in that

parking lot at night. Yeah, because they were at risk. Like Cobra. Like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra. But did he eat the animal? that parking lot at night. Yeah, because he was being like Cobra. Like Sylvester Stallone in Cobra. Yeah. But did he eat the animal? Did he keep the deer? Did he use it for food for his family? I mean, this is kind of nice. I mean, he did fire off a loaded handgun at a deer at a crowded Walmart

parking lot during Christmas. Yes, he did. You could say that in court. He should have just driven up by the deer, jumped out of the car, got it on the ground, and like blasted it in the head with a handgun. That's what he should have done. I did once see my father driving down the road. He pulled out a handgun, going about 40 miles an hour, put his hand out the window,

and took two birds off of a highline wire. That's awesome. That's why white people are scary with guns. Yeah, because they're just whipping them out and shooting animals. It's harder for us to get arrested. That's why whenever I see a squirrel, I fucking stomp it to death. That's my big thing. You've got to.

I'm a hunter. Yeah, I've heard that. You've got to eat that squirrel, though. No, never. I mean, it's got to be... Twist the head off a pigeon. It's easier to kill a deer than it is a bear, I would assume, though, right? Absolutely.

And it must be very difficult to shoot a deer with a handgun. You can't... It's difficult to shoot anything with a handgun. This guy's a great hunter. He took a break. Well, he had to chase it down to the nearest highway. Oh, he went all the way to the highway. Yeah.

Did he actually kill it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. He got it. Oh, he went all the way to the highway? Yeah. Did he actually kill it? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, he got it. Yeah, he got it. How many times do you think he shot it before he killed it? I imagine he had a couple clips on him. Yeah. Yeah.

But why is it that you... I mean, you would think... I'm guessing Glock here. Was he drunk? Oh, yeah, definitely. Of course, yeah. Why not? He has a handgun.

Yeah, he's rural Pennsylvania. You can be drunk as fuck. God, it's gotta be hard to bag up a deer, though. Am I wrong? Okay, what about this theory? So we have hunters. Hunters go out. Yeah, it is tough.

Hunters go out to the woods to kill deer in their environment. But you could make an argument. The only time you should actually kill a deer is when it's in the human field. You just can't be shooting guns around a crowded parking lot. But it's dangerous. The deer could have eaten the baby. It's not about that. It's about him shooting the gun with people around.

But what if initially hunters, hunting began because deer would come in and eat our babies. Once deer starts taking our jobs, right? And once deer start, like, you know, getting promotions at work. Uh-huh. You know, once they start coming in and stealing our wives. Oh, yeah. That's when we're going to start the full-on war on deer. That's when we'll all know deer. white people, babies.

You know what I think is... I think this is a perfection of hunting. A way to stop that, Henry, is whenever you see a deer, you just cut its tongue out.

Yeah, of course. Then it'll never learn how to talk. You can never French kiss. That's a danger. Marcus has passed around his iPhone 3,

I believe, number one, which is kind of funny because I have an iPhone 5. It's an inferior phone. What is the third thing that you have? Champagne. And it's of Marcus holding up a full deer head.

And how many horns are on that? What's the point spread on that deer? It's a six-point buck. It's a six-point buck. And did you shoot that yourself? No, my brother shot it. What's the most deer you can get? Oh, of course Charlie shot it.

How is Charlie? Oh, Charlie's doing fucking great. Coming up and visiting, and my brother's there he is hanging the deer from a big pole. Oh, that's a dead deer being hung from a big pole, no doubt about that. That's what they did to Jesus. I'll tell you what, for Charlie, he listens to the podcast,

let's give him a big, hey Charlie, on three. One, two, three. Fuck Holden! Fuck Holden! Holy Lord, that's bad um and uh and did you feel very good raising up that deer head i feel like that's a powerful male moment yeah it was nice i mean it's heavy good okay let's move on i've never shot or killed any animal i didn't want to know more about the point system on deers uh it's how many horns they have. What's the biggest one? The biggest one?

What's the biggest deer of all time? It's an F5. I mean, a mule deer. And it skips that house, and it skips that house, and it comes right after you. They just found the biggest alligator of all time. Oh, yeah, pulled him out of Lake Okeechobee. I can't remember how big it was, but man,

it's fucking head. I saw the picture. Oh, it was so big. Did they make fr them out of Lake Okeechobee I can't remember how big it was, but man It's fucking head Oh, it was so big Did they make fritters out of it? Man, I fucking love gator fritters I love anything made out of gator Yeah, how many things have you had made out of gator? Well, food, and also I touched a purse once But I couldn't afford it

You ever have a good gator loaf? Yeah, you just mix all the meat with breadcrumbs. Yeah, gator cereal. I mean, I can kind of understand this guy's motivation because a 10-point deer, that's a rare deer. It is a rare deer. It's a big deer. The biggest one is a 12-point.

Oh. That's it? I thought we at least have a 20-point. Nope. Look up that big gator. Mark, are you giving him the hormone milk? Oh, you're going to love this guy. A big gator. Have you seen pictures of that thing yet? Oh, you're gonna love this guy. A big gator

is on the loose. Where is this at? In Florida? They pulled him out of Lake Okeechobee this week. I can't remember how big he was. This thing's fucking melon was so big. Oh, God, I love it. It had a melon that it kept as a pet. Yeah, yeah, that's the

scientific term. Does that make it his melon? Come on to the pictures, I'll find it. It being that big. Can we just all acknowledge the worst joke that Henry's ever said? I think that's my worst one. Let's hear it again. I missed it. He said melon.

He was talking about his head. I said the alligator had a melon as his pet. As a pet? I can't all be gold. That wasn't even like platinum. that wasn't even like copper you know sometimes you know it's you're up you're down god damn i just love him so much you ever see that video of the alligator smashing that watermelon speaking of which what there was a bunch of there's a gator farm and it's like the dude who fights with the alligators you know fight

and he tossed a watermelon at the alligator and just smashed it. Oh, God, it's so cool to watch. Man. I feel like we've just degraded to smoking weed at Ed's place. I think that's what I miss most

about living with Ed is just getting stoned and watching animals fight. Yeah. Man, that's just a different lifestyle. Oh, man, it's not that different. Once you get into it, that's just a different lifestyle. Oh, man. It's not that different.

Once you get into it, it's so easy living. Oliver Quire's his fucking big butt. All right. Marcus, give us a different story that doesn't involve animals.

Hey, Charlie. Hey, Charlie. Come on. All right. A Slovak man trapped in his car by an avalanche. Slovak. It's Slovak. Slovak.

No, it's not Slovak. That's the Texas word. Malato. It's like a shitty vacuum. It is. It don't really work so good, you know? He's a Slovak! If you got a lot of time.

I think I got your gun, your mouth, fuck me. I'm on an anus office. Henry. Henry. Luxury. Henry Aaron Zebrowski. Not good. Ew. Ew.

Ew. Ew. What happens if you throw a watermelon at an alligator, Eddie? So it's kind of like when I eat french fries. Without the fucking ketchup slinging everywhere. Man, I love french fries.

Holden actually puts the ketchup in his mouth first. And then spits it onto the fries. Yeah, he's like, oh, I like it like this because now it's like a soup. Oh, I like it when my fries are all wet and soupy. Oh, God, he eats like a fly. He does.

He just fucking spits the acid on it. I need more socks. I need socks. And much like a fly, everywhere he sits, he shits just a touch. Well, a Slavic man. Fucking fancy pants. Yeah, I'm the fancy. It's just how you say Slavic. I mean, it, a Slavic man. Fucking fancy pants. Not a fancy! It's just how you say Slavic.

I mean, it's a super tiny word. Where's he from? Slavia? A Slavic man. Damn. Yeah! You fucking got him! You said that sentence, and then I imagined that moment of silence,

just like a hangman's feet just dangling in the air. A small mushroom sprouts from the semen he projects from his cock. That would be a mandrake. Mandrake. It's a tuba. It is a tuba. Last podcast on the left. Yes.

A Slavic man trapped in his car by an avalanche urinated his way to freedom after working his way through 60 half-liter bottles of beer. I love that. This is honestly my favorite story of all time. Richard Kroll was off on holiday when the snow swallowed his Audi in the Tatra Mountains. Initially, he tried to dig his way out via the car's window, but soon realized that the snow would fill the vehicle long before he could break free. Mercifully, he had stocked up on essential supplies of alcohol and quickly formulated a cunning plan. This is a quote from the man.

I was scooping the window from above me and packing it down below the window, and then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard, and now my kidneys and liver hurt. And then I peed on it to melt it. It was hard. And now my kidneys and liver hurt. But I'm glad the beer I took on holiday turned out to be useful. And I managed to get out of there. I love it. This is awesome.

If I had that much beer, all I want to do is be left alone inside of a huge pile of snow. This is just like your excuse now for the rest of your life. That's right. Why are you drinking so much? Well, you never know when you're going to have to piss yourself out of someplace. It just sounds like a fucking drunk James Bond.

This is like the world's worst drunken. And they didn't find him until four days later, still fucking wasted. Staggering around a fucking mountain pass. I hope he got some tunes in that car if he was still able to get a reception. That would have been a fucking wasted. Just staggering around a fucking mountain pass. I hope he got some tunes in that car if he was still able to get a reception.

That would have been a fucking blast. Oh, yeah. I'm going to have rock and roll till I die. Yeah, it would have been Eastern European radio. He loves that, though. He doesn't know it's terrible. Yeah, he doesn't know what's good. Yeah, their main music there is they strap plates to their feet.

Right? They jump up and down in a big aluminum sheet. Yeah, I think so. I love these. I love it. Yeah. I think that that's totally accurate, Henry. You've said nothing racist or wrong.

Have you ever heard of piano? No, no. No, I should shoot you. shoot you in the fucking head. You think that after all that drinking, the more I get drunk, the more I give up on life. I would just fucking give up. We'll talk about it. How hard has that got to be to get out of something

once you're trashed? No, you toss on the Men in Black soundtrack. That's right. You start fucking raising the roof. Me on the Men in Black. Men in's right. You start fucking raising the roof. We are the Men in Black. Men in Black. You just don't know the determination of our Russians. Pissing all over the snow. Yeah.

That's the thing. When push comes to piss, you would pee all over that snow hole, and you would have to. Push comes to piss. I feel like that's a totally normal thing to do. I love this guy. Me too. He's great. This is a true life.

Remember the movie Strange Brew? Oh, yeah. Where he had to drink the entire vat of the keg that he was inside of or whatever that huge thing was, and then he beat it all out. This is a true life comedy situation. If I was Budweiser, I would pay this man to be the new face of Budweiser and just be like, sometimes your pee-pee is your safety ticket. You need to do it.

I don't know. What you just said was sometimes your pee-pee is your safety ticket. That was the phrase? That's what I think it's good. I think it's a good ad phrase. You're on top today, Henry. I am fucking dying. You're helping me not be sound so terrible.

I'm like a garbage bag filled with empty beer cans. And remember, he drank 60 beers. They're half a liter. Half a liter is a Tali. So he's 60. 120 beers this guy slammed down? He had that in his car? Maybe that's why he got trapped in the avalanche the first time.

I'll tell you one thing. His 24-ounce Tali is 16-ounce Tali. Okay. His wife just loved, loved not getting beat. Like, his wife was just so thrilled that he did not come home that weekend. And she was like, I hope he's pissing himself out of some snow because I'm having

a wonderful time with the ladies. So it was three days, 60 tallies? It's not even that much. I mean, no, he wandered around for four days after he drank the tallies. He was drunk for like 108 hours. God, it would be so boring. He just strapped off of his ass

and it saved his life. It's also impossible for him to ever sober up in his life because if they do have some sort of intervention situation, he'd be like,

I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for beer. So get the fuck out. I am going to get smashed. I don't need a family. I don't care. Beer is my family. What are you thinking, Jackie?

I just can't even imagine how dehydrated he was. How did he even fucking keep going? You eat the snow. Eat the snow! Yeah, that you're pissing in? It's a bad idea to eat snow. Oh, why? What are you talking about?

Because you're going to die. It freezes your insides. You warm it in your hands. You warm it up in your hands. Yeah, yeah, sit on it. Yeah, you sit on it. You fart on it. You let it sit in your mouth until it's warm. That's what I do

anyway. Would you have just farted your way out of the situation and melted all the snow? No, you put it in a bucket. You fart on it for a day. It becomes water. This guy went out for vacation. This guy went out for vacation and got a bunch of beer. You would have gone out and just gotten a bunch of sausages. And so you would have just been pounding sausages far on your way through the snow.

This is also a great new 127 hours in this movie. It's so much better than 127 hours. Fuck that guy, man, losing an arm. This guy had to drink like a champion for four days. Yeah, it's some Eastern European dude just getting drunk by himself in an Audi. Sounds like a Mel Gibson movie. It does. It sounds like what Mel Gibson's doing right now. He sneezes in the Audi and the

avalanche happens around. I mean, when he's sitting there getting wasted, he's like, well, the only difference is I'm staring at a wheel. It's like, this is what he does. A steering wheel. Oh, yeah, a steering wheel. A steering wheel, not like a wheel wheel. A steering wheel. I mean, this is all that people do.

They just get trashed alone, and I'm sure this isn't the most amount of beer that he's ever drunk in a four-day span. It could have been. You think so? Yeah. When you're drinking to save your life, it's amazing. I mean, the best part of drinking is not talking to people. Exactly.

So this guy had a great time. That was me last night. I got up at the first... I sat on my couch at 7am. I had a bottle of whiskey. I got up at 1am and I fell over. I was absolutely trashed. That sounds fun. That's really great.

Milato. Milato. Kids, if you're looking for a role model... Not Ben. Not Ben. I would just shut this off entirely. If you're looking for a role model, not Ben. Not Ben. I'm the anti-hero. I would just shut this off entirely if you're looking for a role model.

Are we doing the round table this week? What are you talking about? Oh, okay. We are now. All right. Next news story out of Tennessee. An eight-year-old girl has been sent home from school 24 times this school year

because of what her mother describes as her foul odor. Yeah. She's gonna stinky clean your fucking kid. Yeah, it's Stinky Susan. Every school had a Stinky Susan. I sent that bitch home too. Don't come here fucking stinking. You come here stinking one more time, we'll take out the That's terrifying.

You can't hose him down like Farva from Super Troopers. That's insane. I feel like this is rude to the school. It's the hosing room. You were the stinky kid, Ed. No, I wasn't. No, he wasn't. He was just a really, really, really, really, really big kid. But how does he smell?

It's okay. All right. I think that I was a teacher. I'd just have a big four-person bathtub at the beginning of the class. Just wash the kids. You can't do that, Henry. You can't wash other people's children. But I thought you wanted to make sure

that the kids clean. If they're going to wash their fucking kids, who's going to wash them? I'm going to wash them. They tried washing the child. They just couldn't get it off? She's got a disease. They did it in front of the whole class.

She's naked and there's like brush scrubbing her down. Oh, treating her like a beach shamu. Has this turned into Pedophile Corner? No. Sort of. I like you, little boy. It's not Pedophile Corner, though.

We're just trying to clean a child. Yeah, I thought we were done with Pedophile Corner. I'm beating off on it. You say that every time. I hate it. Well, the mother says she's been to the doctor, and it's not a medical problem. Okay.

Okay, so she needs to shower. Oh, she doesn't have the poo-poo flu? Yeah, he's mad. Yeah, yeah. Hong Kong, Henry Zebrowski. Every time. Other students and teachers at the school have complained of the smell, saying they are unable to focus on school activities. Oh, man, what if she's dead and risen and no one has any idea?

That would be amazing. A real-life zombie situation. Her face keeps falling off. I can't do my math. Glue it back on. Can you imagine you have to be lab partners with fucking cabbage, Susan? Because that's what everyone's calling her. She actually smells like stew, though.

We knew a girl we used to call Soup Girl because she always smelled like different kinds of soup. What's she doing now? I think she works in the kitchen. Ringing out her skin. Oh, that's nice. Skin soup. That sounds very, very good.

She's got noodle sprayer. Loving that soup, girl. My most delicious friend. Can't remember her real name, though That's for sure I don't know why that struck me I think cabbage or soup I think I would prefer somebody to smell like soup Any sort of soup than cabbage, though

So that's not the worst Soup is not a thing that a person should smell like It's like halal You shouldn't smell like halal You shouldn't smell like shoes No you shouldn't smell like like shoes no you should not smell like shoes that's true polish food is kind of bad for you as well that's kind of the cabbage i love polish food fill up the insides clog the blood flow yes that is like your inner monologue of your heart yeah yeah, yeah. That's good. Fill up the insides. My heart has been trying to commit suicide for so long.

Oh, yeah. No, your heart just committed some really bad sins in a past life, and it got sent into your body. It's more like your brain is doing euthanasia on your heart. Yeah. I have Mussolini's heart. Oh, that's fine. A heart of a dictator.

That's great. Not bad. Or Ron Dykes, director of schools at Washington State. Did you say Dykes? Yeah. Dykes. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Ronnie Dykes. Yeah. Hey, I'm Ronnie Dykes. I'm Ronnie from the school. I'm a principal of elementary school. I cut my dick off, so now I'm a lady licking it up.

Well, we're so glad we came in for the parent-teacher conference. We're just going to slowly leave. I see a pussy. How is our little girl Cabbage doing? She is smelly. Thank you. Would you please stop eating my pussy? Please, thank you.

Ronnie Dykes! Well, honey, we should have had an abortion. Let's be in principle. Ronnie Dykes well honey we should have had an award lesbian principal Ronnie Dykes the lesbian principal sounds like it might

get picked up on ABC I feel like this is why we need a chuckle hut we need a chuckle hut to keep this from happening yeah I know I'm not even sure if this has been

recorded anymore I feel like I'm talking into raw noodles Ronnie Dykes Ronnie Dykes back for servicekes, back for service! Well, if you guys ever wanted to just, like, know how we really are... Ronnie Dykes, I walked here in clogs!

This is pretty much it. I'm just gonna sit there, stare at everybody. Pretty much all that we do with our lives. Come over later for a pussy jam! Over at Ronnie Dyke's place, it's 69! Pussy Lane! Fuck! Shit, I ended it!

Oh, he lives! He lives on 69 Pussy Lane! Yeah, that's a good place to live on. At some point, somebody goes on a beer run, and then it's 3 a.m., and then somebody wants to go to sleep. That's pretty much just hanging out with us after midnight. Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay.

Well, what he says, he says that a child is only sent home when a family refuses to use proper hygiene or the child is not required to use proper hygiene. This is a direct quote. In those cases, they are very extreme and to be quite frank, the odor is so overpowering and extremely offensive to other children and adults so some sort of homebound program is used or

the child will be removed temporarily from the school until the family complies. It's bullshit. This whole thing. Leave the kid in the classroom. People stink in real life. Sometimes you get in a subway car. You gotta deal with odors. It's bullshit. This whole thing. Leave the kid in the classroom. People stink in real life. Sometimes you get in a subway car, you gotta deal with the odors. It must have been fucking bad because there are a lot of stinkers.

These people were being finicky. 24 times. That's a lot. For sure. Wash her. She needs to be washed. How old's the kid? Think about 8. 8 years old. That's too young to stink. You remember you didn't have to wear deodorant until you were like 10. What if she's a mutant?

You started wearing deodorant at 10? Something like that. I don't know. I was like 17. I don't remember the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. I know what you're saying.

But I'm saying, you know, an eight-year-old kid, you don't want to give him the stinky stigma. This is going to ruin the entire kid's life. So he smells a little bit or she smells a little bit. Fucking keep it away from society. It smells bad. Things smell. I think we need to get more in touch with the fact that we are wild beasts. We are bears.

We are deers. And occasionally, human beings will smell bad. Why don't we send this person to live with the deer? No, no, no, no. What would that do? Yeah. Yeah, come back way stinkier. She just gets rejected by the deer.

She ain't coming back, man. She just smells, Eddie. She might be smart. Is this a dog girl? Is it a half? All right. You're referring to a dog woman. Yeah.

Holden brings up a good point. Is she half dog, half human, Marcus? Does the story mention that? The story does not mention that. Does any way she ever mentioned the nature of the smell? It does not. It's her dirty diaper hats. Where is this taking place, by the way?

Yeah. They might want to stop dressing her in dirty diaper hats, but it's cold outside, and she did just warm up those hats. She needed a hat. Yeah. That's kind of fun in a certain way. This happened in Tennessee. In Tennessee.

So they don't know what a good smell is. Maybe she smells like flowers, like roses, like something romantic. What if she actually did smell good? That's what I'm saying. This whole classroom smells terrible. They're stinky peats. It's just an episode of the Twilight Zone. It is.

Beauty and the High and the Beholder. That's what's happening here. A girl who actually smells like flowers. I find not offensive. She smells nice. Exactly. That's what's going on here. What is that horrible smell? She's got poo-poo mustache.

Everybody else has poo-poo mustache. And by the way, Ronnie Dykes declined to comment directly on this story. Of course he did. Of course he was too busy eating muff. Man. Aria. Someone call the muff police!

What is a muff police? I'm sorry. Get those fucking pants off you! Shut the fuck up! I'm gonna take your fucking pants off! All right, well now we're just getting into Ed's rape fantasy. Yeah, that's just different. That's different.

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, no, that Mr. Ronnie Dykes, he loves to eat muff. God, that was funny. That was... Well, let's stay in the public school system here. Let's go ahead and stay in that area. Please do. Please, yeah.

The mother of a middle school student who is being suspended is facing charges after deputies say she walked into the school office and slapped the wrong child. That'll happen. Hell yeah. All in all, she thought it was her child and she slapped it and it wasn't her own kid? And all kids deserve to be slapped.

Yes, 36-year-old Tysheika Collier. Don't fucking do that. Don't do what? I say the name. I say the name, and both Henry and Jackie go, Ah, yeah. Okay.

She's got a bad name. Well, it's a wonderful name, and it's a certainly strong culture. I think that... Yeah, that was funny, because you can tell who the sons and daughters of the NYPD cop were. Yeah, exactly. Yes, I have jumped to conclusions. because you can tell who the sons and daughters of the NYPD cop were. Yeah, exactly. Yes, I have jumped to conclusions. Yes, I know very well what to think now.

No reason that I would be wrong. No profile created. Human paint done. While Miss Collier had come to the school to pick up her son, who was being suspended, Dawkins, the middle school principal, said that when Collier... The kid was also in trouble, too? No, no, no.

Dawkins said when Collier walked into the office, she saw a boy sitting in the office with his head down, and she mistook him for her son and slapped him in the face. The boy was sick and was sitting on the couch waiting for his mother to pick him up. That's amazing. That's not so bad. Collier was immediately better and then she

became the healer of the town. It is a nice thing to slap somebody who is sick because when they were sick they were like, I feel so terrible, but it's like, well, you haven't been slapped yet. So then after they get slapped, they're like, oh, I feel so terrible, but it's like, well, you haven't been slapped yet. So then after they get slapped, they're like, well, I feel, you know, the cold wasn't so bad. The burning on my cheek is slightly

worse. I would just love to watch a woman like bound into an office so you can just fucking whack them upside down. I'd just be like, yeah! Chaos! Well, when she realized she had slapped the wrong boy, she apologized and then walked over to her son and slapped him for getting in trouble.

Nice. Yeah, Tanika, you did good. That would be Taishika. Taishika. Jackie Zabowski, the worst principal of all time. You were close. Dykes. Dykes is good.

I feel like it's more racist to have the name wrong. I was close. I mean, I just think it's... I was close. Dykes! Dykes is good. I feel like it's more racist to have the name wrong. I was close. I mean, I just think it's... I was close. Okay, like, I'm not saying this, but it is kind of funny to think about, like, Taishika thought that all black kids looked alike, and then she slapped... I didn't make that joke! I thought about it!

I didn't make the joke either! I'm not making the joke! You just said it! I'm just saying that she thought that. So she's a racist, not me. I'm just... I'm understanding making the joke. I'm just saying that she thought that. So she's a racist, not me. I'm just, I'm understanding her thought. You're playing a character.

That's right. Seeing it from her perspective. From her perspective. Champagne. She definitely did. Luxury. Henry Zabowski. So is she going to be charged with hurting this child? All three of her children have been placed in a protective custody.

What? Oh, man. So now the state's going to do a better job than this chick? Are you kidding me? You can't just randomly slap. How did you not know it was your son? How did you not recognize the fucking shirt on the kid? It's not like a foster home's any better, man.

Exactly. If the kid is getting suspended, he deserves to get slapped in the head. No, she had a right parenting technique. My parents used to slap me all the time when I was a jackass. She just slapped the wrong kid, though. Exactly. You can't slap the wrong kid.

I got to be sure. You do. That's the fundamental problem. I think you said it best. She didn't know what her fucking, the shirt her son was wearing that day, like, you know, immediate shit that would make, you know. I feel like the right punishment for that is, though,

instead of taking her other kids away, they should have just taken the mother of the kid she slapped and her and put them in a ring and they fight to the death. That will happen. Does anyone want to guess what state this happened in? Texas. Nope. Florida. Nope. Wait, name a state.

Just name a state. Utah. Nope. It's close to you. South Carolina. Yeah. Dirty. The bad Carolina. Fuck South Carolina. Fuck you, man.

South Carolina rocks. Fuck me, fuck you, fucker. Good job, buddy. Holden McNeely with the comebacks tonight. You have the dick. That's big. Sure, yeah, sure, yeah. You got a big dick.

Well, Spartanburg County Sheriff's... Ronnie Dykes! Yeah! Get him in! Get him in! Slam the fuckers together since 1972! I'll scissor a woman to death! Well. I'll scissor a woman to death Well Had to get one more Ronnie Dyke in there

While Ben was in the bathroom I heard you guys laughing the entire time I was pissing in the sink Good Creek in the Cave 1093 Jackson Avenue Yeah, it's a perfectly good toilet next to that sink. Don't go in the bathroom.

Don't drink out of the sink. Yeah, don't drink out of the sink. That's been a big thing that I've been doing recently is that I just pour water in the sink and then I lift it in my mouth like I'm drinking from a fucking lake. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a horse's life. That's what I like.

I have one of those groove tongues. Ladies. Oh, yuck. I have one of those Groove tongues Ladies Oh yuck Roddy Dykes Roddy Dykes He's a fucking Pussy magician I don't need a spoon

To eat soup That is Every next time I'll never go down On a woman again But if I ever do I'm definitely saying that. I do not need a spoon to eat soup. Wow.

You got hair on your bean, bitch! Oh, man, does she ever. I love it. What are you saying? Are you talking about me? No, no, does she ever. I love it. What are you saying? Are you talking about me? No, no, no. I feel like there's no film in these cameras. I know.

I feel the same way. This isn't being recorded. We're not actually here doing this. It's just different, different times, different vibes. All right, Marcus. So what's going on, buddy? Spartanburg County Sheriff's Lieutenant Tony Ivey said she did apologize

to the child she did hit and we understand that and that's a good thing there. That's good. Good for her. I'm sure the child appreciated the apology and he's doing fine. Did she apologize to her own child? No.

No, you don't apologize to him. No, he probably got hit extra him. No, you don't apologize. No, he probably got hit extra hard because she made the other mistake. Why are you looking at other kids? I knew you weren't unique. I knew nobody loved you. I knew God didn't make you. Why are you here?

That kid is you. We have one more disturbing story before we get to our segment. Absolutely. Two infants have been infected with a deadly herpes virus in the last three months after undergoing a controversial religious oral circumcision right here in New York City.

Hold on, hold on. He's laying in his mouth and fucking take off the baby's tip? Yes. So they chew the foreskin off. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. But I thought you just nibble it. I thought you'd go... Like when you try not to break the skin of a grape.

Yeah. That's what I always do with kids. How do you eat the grape? Yeah. Chompy chomp chomp. So hold on a second. These are Hasidic, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they can only fuck a woman through a sheet, but they can nibble off the tip of a dick? Of a baby's dick. They can just bite it off. They're gentle. You understand. I hate their priorities. It's a different sort of priority.

The ultra-Orthodox Jewish practice of... That's the sound you make while you do it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's tough to sound like you're having a good time when you're eating a child's foreskin. It requires a practitioner to orally suck the baby's penis to cleanse the open wound following its circumcision. So they have herpes. So you mean to tell me that a couple of rabbis had herpes in their mouth. Yeah.

And then they gave a fucking baby herpes by chewing on its dick. By sucking on it. Two have died. Can I say. I just want to go to a fucking rabbi party. No, Ed. You know what? That's the right sentence, Ed.

They're hot. No, wrong sentence. Okay. Okay. I don't want to. They got all the bitches. The rabbi. They had no bitches.

It's children. It's all new, but they got the herpes from somewhere. all the bitches to the rabbi. They had no bitches. It's children. It's all new, but they got the herpes from somewhere. Suck it, bald-headed bitches. Yeah, yeah. To stop this practice,

what they should do is they should make all these fucking pervert rabbis wear dental dams while they're chewing off the dick of the baby. I don't know if that helps.

We just agree that there should be no chewing dicks off. They need to go to prison. This is illegal. You cannot suck a baby's dick. I don be no chewing dicks off. They need to go to prison. This is illegal. You cannot suck a baby dick. I don't care what your religion is. Your religion is not trumped by the fact you're sucking a baby dick. Go to jail.

They hide behind it. It's disgusting. I'm not even going to say what I was just about to say. We've got to be touchy here. No, you know what? I'm not going to be touchy on this situation. Because the Hasidic community needs to be... Let him live, baby. They're sucking baby dicks.

They're sucking baby dick. You can't suck baby dick. I don't care if you believe Abraham is better than Jesus. What makes you think? None of them are real. You can't suck a baby dick. What makes you think your mouth is better than rubbing alcohol? What about, like, just a kiss?

You can kiss a baby. You can kiss a baby. One kiss. One kiss, Rabbi. One tidy, quick kiss. One kiss, Rabbi. One tiny, quick kiss. Just one, Rabbi. As soon as you put your mouth onto another human being, regardless of what their age is, if you take off their human skin with your fucking teeth, it's illegal.

Okay, okay. Now, which one of us is doing the flute today? Which one's doing the flute? I mean, who's volunteering for it? Can you imagine watching a Rabbi that, like, also, like, in giving herpes, you usually have to have some kind of infection at this time. Yeah, an open, gaping wound. So imagine an open, pussy wound.

Dripping on your baby's dick. You show up, you sign your baby up for a circumcision, and you're there, and the rabbi cuts the baby's foreskin off. And then he reaches down to suck his dick. You're like, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? Yeah, what the fuck is happening? He just shows up in those big, clear stiletto heels and fishnets and stuff. He just comes out dressed for the night before. In fact, that is fucking true.

The health department claims they've had complaints in the past by parents who say they weren't made aware that the oral practice would be performed on their child. It's called an oral practice. That's because they're not good at it yet. And furthermore, it's just so weird, Barbara. I don't see scissors or a knife anywhere. How are they going to get that foreskin off of our kid? Next thing you know, chompers the fucking... No, I think they slice the foreskin off and they try to heal it by sucking it. By the way, Marcus, I'm shocked that this

isn't Pedophile Corner. This is Pedophile Corner! Squirt, squirt, squirt! The little boy, I'm going to suck the blood out of your penis! I'm looking at a picture, a Getty Images stock picture right now of three rabbis

about to circumcise a baby and I looked at this picture earlier and I thought one of the rabbis looked familiar. And he does because his name is Rabbi Viberman, who was just charged and convicted for sexually assaulting a 14-year-old girl right here in New York City. That's all they can do, man. New York! They're only allowed to see their own fucking doctors And all these kids were going to this Psychiatrist quote unquote rabbi That was going to help them with their issues

And he fucked all of them And they're not allowed to do anything about it We need to get some real Protestant money in here Buy up some of these places where they live Move in some Palestinians Let's see some more I don't live in Williamsburg. I live in fucking Bed-Stuy.

At the very least, Catholic priests are having sex with boys. You know, eight, nine years old. I mean, these people are sucking off babies. Well, actually, I would tell you, it's probably better to do it to a baby because it's not really going to remember it. But they remember. They know. They die of herpes instead.

Exactly. Two have died in this practice Recently two have died From this one rabbi Two have died Two have permanent brain damage You're like little Al Capone The identity of the rabbi who performed the circumcisions

Is being withheld by the boy's parents So the health department Cannot step in on this This guy is continuing to suck off babies. He's sucking off... He found the greatest loophole of all time for somebody who wants to suck off a baby.

He is... I mean... He does. 500,000 people want to suck off babies. In the world right now. 500,000 people want to suck off babies. That's world right now. 500,000 people want to suck off babies. Sure. That's possible.

Yeah, it's like ripping the stem off an apple. This guy got so fucking lucky, he found a religion and a position where he got to suck off a baby legally. Yeah. That's low, I think. You think that's low? 500,000, I think that's low. Maybe it's not low. Hopefully.

Hopefully it's not low. Sucking off babies? I feel like that's a big number for that. more than 500,000? Maybe it's not low. Hopefully. Hopefully it's not low. Sucking off babies? That's a big number for that. There's at least 10 in New York alone. Have you ever bit off both ends of a Twizzler and used it as a straw on your Coke? Yeah, but that's not sucking off a baby. It might as well be. No, it's totally different.

And it's a Diet Coke. What if they save all of them and sell them as calamari? That's what we're going after. Coke. What if they save all of them and sell them as calamari? God damn it. That's what we're going after. Yeah, we're jumping into this segment from old McNeely off of the calamari. We're talking about baby squaw skin. About calamari. Deep frying it.

When Marcus decides to take a trip to theme park town USA. I'm going fun time. We all have theme parks. Which one will he decide to spend his ticket money on? Oh! God, that was the worst description. No one's ever going to have any idea what we're talking about.

I don't even get it. We all have to make up a theme park and then he, in part, park with a theme to it and Marcus is going to decide which one he's going to go to. I've got $400 to go to a theme park. You guys got to convince me to go to yours. $400? That's it? You're not coming on my fucking park.

That's a huge amount of money for a theme park. My park is full of Aristocats. I can get into Six Flags over Texas for $20 in an empty Coke can. Then go to fucking Six Flags. Just let it sit. It's because they consider empty Coke cans to fucking Sixpence. Just let it sit. It's because they consider empty Coke cans to be money in Texas.

They really do. They are money. During the summertime, Coke cans... Oh, we can hammer them flat and make hats out of them. Coke cans have discounts printed on the aluminum. Aristocrats. Cats. Holden, what's your theme park?

My theme park is called Somebody Else Won't Start. No, I'll do it. I'm conflicted. Henry. I have one. It's called Flem City? Can you not sort it?

It's called Ed Larson's Pig Farm. At the very top of the thing, it's like a big farm theme thing where Ed Can you not sort it? It's called Ed Larson's Pig Farm. Oh, wow. I want to go. At the very top of the thing, it's like a big farm-themed thing where Ed will greet you at the very top. I'm using Ed because I know that you'll sell this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your dress-up is a big pig with a hat on, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It smells like rolls. Yeah, you... Yeah, no rolls, of course. Yeah. We're pumping bacon and smelling everything. I cut all my fingers off and make them look like hooves. Yes, yes.

Very good. I'll tell you what you have is the heat grease everyone as they come in the house, you know, into the farm and you have a couple

like pig-related roller coasters, you know, you have a big like spinning ride that looks like a bunch of ham wheels. Instead of a log flume,

there's a mud flume. Yes, and in the middle of it... But it's all shit. Yes, absolutely. I love that. I love mud. And in the middle of it

you have a giant actual pig farm where they do a thing called, like, it's called Woo Ed's Mother. And what it is, is you put all these pigs in dresses. And then you have to catch them. And it's wooing, it's like the catching, it's wooing as you have to scream.

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! That's good. That's Ed's pig farm That's pretty great It's got a lot of things I like

How much are the tickets? $27 And 18 hands Great, so I have plenty of money to spend Inside the park Yeah, for any sort of food item you need Yeah Flip flops.

Come see the pig eye exhibit. Yeah, which is just a box full of ripped out pig eyes. Oh, I see. That makes sense. Once you get in, you kind of realize what you saw. I love piggy pigs, so it's pretty good. That's good. I have nothing.

No, a theme park. Something fun for Marcus to do. Something that I would A theme park Something fun For Marcus to do Something that I would enjoy You love bones Yes I do So it will involve bones You love fireworks

I mean my bones Oh I love fireworks I mean it's a theme park It's gotta have fireworks Okay Then There are It's a

You're fired man Why Why What have I done wrong I've done nothing wrong I mean so far You're fired, man! Why? Why? What have I done wrong? I've done nothing wrong. I mean, so far, you're just describing the ride from

Nothing But Trouble. Ooh! That's awesome! I'll tell you one thing. The other day, I was just thinking about going on vacation. Uh-huh.

And I was going to go to a nice place. Yeah. Turns out, all we found was the greatest amusement park of all time for Marcus Parks. Okay. And it is called Nothing But Trouble.

Okay. And it involves a fat child. It involves a fat child and another fat child. And they have big penises. Is it a Zabrowski household? Yes. Yeah. It is Zabrowski involved.

Basically, the theme ride is you go to this house. There's a bunch of fat babies. And then you have to put your mouth on their penises and then suck off all the meat from the penis, and then they come all over your face. I don't know words to say. How much money do we get to pay for it? None. Free!

Free! So at least it's free! It is a punishment. If you just need a place to crash, you can go there. Yeah, just suck it right down. What do you think? I mean, I get to save money. Yeah.

I mean, literally, you are borderline homeless right now? It's not what it would be called a good time. But it's not a bad time. Might be. It is a bad time. It is a bad time. You know what? Come back to me.

Okay. Okay. Jackie? All right. So I made this park. It's called Tears for Fears, the Park's Park Adventure. Oh! And basically, people think that it's like, oh, it's like a hipster indie theme park that no one knows a whole lot about, but they know they want to go for it because it's called Tears for Fears.

But in reality, you give me your $400, i give you the license of your entire family to run this hell ride of making people cry while they're all like about to lose their life on the roller coaster oh so you like they eventually lose their life everyone will die yeah and i will be put into jail and you will just send me to jail be like i had nothing to do with this shit so i'll take the entire rap. Why would you do that? Because it would be so much fun for like a week. Make that cash.

And you do like slip and slides. It's a regular rollercoaster. Himmler did the same pitch. Himmler from Nazis. The propaganda expert. Your grandfather's boss. Oh, yes. Yeah, your godfather, right? Wasn't that a thing? Your grandfather's boss. Yeah, your godfather, right?

Wasn't that what I was going to hear? Yeah, but it would be at least more fun as they're about to die. They're like, you're like, yes, yes. It's like you and Charlie and Thomas and you just have a grand old time shooting at them and shit like that. Just make a whole hellhound ride.

Okay, yeah. That is the one to beat. Alright, them and shit like that. Just make a whole hellhound ride. Okay, yeah. That is the one to beat. Alright, well I think I got one to beat it. Alright. Grocery store land. Everybody hates going to the grocery store, but I'm gonna make it fun! Oh, that's great. You go in, all the groceries are there that you need, so it's two birds with one stone. That is fun.

All the rides are grocery store themed. You get in the big grocery store carts. You go around on Sandwich Mountain. I need to go. Yeah, that's the thing. Gold Cut City? Every different part of a grocery store will be in a different thing. The Iceland will be the frozen food section.

And you go around and you hug food and stuff and say goodnight to food. That's a strange activity. And you take the food with you and if you you know, by the end of it you've got all your groceries you need, right? And um This is the most desperate pitch I've ever heard. No, no, no. You get all

your groceries. Store groceries. No, please. Grocery land, please. Yeah, there's like a candy area. It's really just like a counter, but you can get some candy from there. Sure. I think it's a great idea. Yeah.

I mean, it's fantastic. You know, you get all your grocery store needs met. I'm so mad. Why are you upset, Henry? No, no, no. It's fine. It's fine. No, I'm not mad.

I'm a mad man. Yeah. The slogan is, do you know what's cute? Come to grocery store land. Yeah, that's a good... I do like that one. That's so nice. Right? That's Marcus Pitch. You know what's cute. Ed, Grocery Store Land. I do like that one. Right, Marcus Pitch?

Ed, do you have something to say? Sure. You guys know Jurassic Park, right? Yeah. We figured out something about Jurassic Park where we were trying to create dinosaurs. We couldn't create dinosaurs, but we figured out how to channel their souls.

It's a ghost dinosaur park. It's just the ghosts of dinosaurs everywhere and you're traveling inside of them and they're life-size you know like dinosaurs and they come and they try to attack you and rip you to shreds but they're just ghosts so they can't actually do anything but so you get to enjoy knowing what it'd be like to be ripped apart by dinosaurs but nothing actually happens to you but they're ghosts. The thing is, the dinosaurs are just tortured, tortured souls. For sure.

You know, it's like... They're all like former rapists, serial killer dinosaurs that were... No, no, that's a different land. There's different lands. There's dinosaur land. I feel like that would be incorporated in Tears for Fears. It's called ghost Country, okay? And there's different lands.

There's the Dinosaur Land, there's the Murderer Land, where you can just go and you can hang out with Ted Bundy's ghosts. Very expensive, Kat. Again, I throw a little thing, though, in. There will be an area of the park that has, like, a sauce themed. For your supermarket? Yeah, no. Yeah, Maranera Island.

Yeah, there will be a Maranara Island at Grocery Store Land. Yeah, we used to have Marinara Island, but it got shut down because it sucked. I've heard that. I did hear it sucked. I mean, there was nothing to dip in the marinara sauce. It was just a bunch of marinara sauce. Well, you can dip your hands in it and lick it off your hands. Oh, I love that.

You can eat marinara sauce. You know what's cute? I also got the ghosts of great chefs to recreate and coach Mexicans how to cook properly and make wonderful, wonderful food. What are you saying? Why can't they be Polish, Eddie? I'm saying they're great cooks. That's true. They take direction very well.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so the ghosts are sitting there yelling at the Mexicans in kitchen Spanish. Well, that's racist. And they're making the most delicious barbecue you're ever going to have. Everyone leaves my park with a free game of Boggle. No, no, no. Yes, everyone gets that on the way out. Everyone leaves my park with a ghost in a bottle.

Ooh! Ghost in a bottle. So much better than a fucking Boggle game. I'm still going to do another push for Ed's pig farm because in the end, you know you can have fun. Talk about desperation. Yeah, seriously. You leave his park smelling like shit. You leave my park with some fucking fine eats.

Not only this, we have a ghost interactive ride where you get to try out being a ghost for an hour. And then you get to go back to being human. Wait a second. So you get killed. You choke him out, Eddie? You choke him out yourself? No, it's like flatliners. Where we put you...

There's too much in this. I'll tell you what, we also have that ride at Ghostly Stories. You have not perfected it! You have not Julia Roberts! Sometimes people get trapped as a ghost for the rest of their lives. Yes, we have not perfected it. There are certain problems casually.

There might be a couple. It's one out of a hundred, don perfected it. There are certain problems. Casually, it might be a couple. We are, it's one out of a hundred don't make it. Okay. Oh, that's not bad. Alright. So there is that risk. And if you want to do like one out of three. Yeah. Whoa, then it's dangerous. Don't make it? Yeah. So my ticket though, also Marcus, the problem is

my ticket is $450. Well, you don't want to start slipping down the soup aisle in Groceryland. You'll fucking die. How much is a ticket to Groceryland? My ticket is $100 plus the price of the groceries. I thought you said I got to take the groceries home. You do. Yeah, you can take them home, but you got to pay for them.

Give it away, groceries. So why don't I just go to the grocery store? Oh, because are there rides at the grocery store? It sounds like an annoying grocery store. Are there big stuffed animal inflated fucking spaghetti noodles walking around? Give it a fucking nightmare. It's a nightmare grocery store. No, what's crazy is I actually have a land that's in development right now.

We're trying to figure it out, but it's the ghost of aliens. It's an alien ghost park. This is bullshit. It's not bullshit. We're coming. We're close. We're close. I'll fucking see it when I believe it.

This whole thing is kind of smoke and mirrors here. Marcus, can you answer a question for me? I guarantee you will get raped by a ghost. Marcus, okay. Marcus. Guarantee. Guarantee. Is it going to be a ghost or a man wearing a white sheet?

No, no, no, no, no. It's just an Indian dude. All right. Very interesting. Marcus, Marcus, can I ask you one question? Do you have baking needs? Dude, I don't think that he does. Not really.

No, I don't bake. All right, you know what? You get a car on your way out. A car? Yeah, you get a car. You're going to give him a car? You're going to give everybody a car that goes to your stupid fucking supermarket? Yeah, I'm going to give everybody a car.

You get a car. You know what's so crazy about Ghostland is we have our nice ghost park now. Where we have all the nice ghosts who have great lives. It's another lie. Ed needs $450 to pay his utilities. And this is what he's doing. He's lying. We've got a nice theme park.

We've got a monkey ghost park. We've got nice lettuce park. We have a nice lettuce. All the lettuce is nice to you. Also, this is totally flawed. We gather 500 monkeys together. Out of all nice lettuce. All the lettuce is nice to you. Also, this is totally flawed because Eddie's actually said this to real people. We gather 500 monkeys together. You know, out of all of these.

Out of all of these. Did I win? Mine's free. I don't have one, really. I mean, I got to say, out of all of these, the only one. I don't want Jackie to go to prison. The only one that I could see happening. Don't do Henry's.

Ed Larson's pig farm. What? Ed Larson's pig farm. You get a car. You can't pull that off. Yeah. I don't believe you. And Ed, I don't believe you either.

I mean, I'm already hanging out at my pig farm. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNally. Henry's shirt is officially off, which is kind of nice. That's Henry Zabrowski, of course. And then I am Ben Kitzel. That's Marcus Parksabrowski, of course, and then I am Ben Kitzel, and that's Marcus Parks. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean, rabbi's sucking off baby tits. Fucking pigs.

This is the worst. Oh, my God. All right. I'm going to pass over your dick, little boy. Yeah. You look at that. What is happening? Did you hear what he said?

He's going to take 500 monkeys and shoot them in the back of the head. It's not possible. At his theme park. I don't know how I didn't win. Mine is free. And I didn't have one. 450 bucks.

You get to shoot a monkey. We're all just leaving.