The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 141: Banjo Untied

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a goat in Africa is accused of armed robbery, an elephant in Mississippi gets caught in a drive-by shooting, and a train narrowly avoids a puppy tied to the tracks. Joining us today: Michael Che and Ross Parsons!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Gentlemen of God, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. This is not that big, cool shit. Good to go?

Yeah. All right, well, Che, are you going to pray? I am going to pray. All right. Father God, Buddha, I love you. Bless us all

for we have sinned and we will sin again. I regret nothing, but I do it all again. Amen. A rare Buddha mentioned for the podcast. Look at my Buddha beads.

Have you changed? Have you gone over? Well, listen, they won't let me in the Illuminati. So I'm really trying this whole Asian thing. Isn't that amazing? You immediately become a Buddhist as soon as you have everything and want nothing. Hey, man.

Like, that's sort of the great thing about it. Let me ask you, did they give you a new name? No, but I took one anyway. What is it? Huh? Justice Steele. All right. All right.

That's the round table of gentlemen. Who's around this table, everybody? Jackie Zabrowski, man. I'm fucking cutting a rug over here. I hate it when we change times. I'm not at my usual self. That means she's farting, by the way. Sitting in for Ed Larson, the man you just

heard pray to Buddha, Michael Che. Michael Che, a.k.a. the Round Mound of Rebound. That's right. Wait,, a.k.a. the round mound of rebound. That's right. Wow. Wait, is that the nickname? Yeah. I like that. The round mound of rebound? I like that.

When I hear mound, I think of vagina. Exactly. I'm hitting on a chick all night long. Sure enough, I said something offensive. The round mound of rebound bangs her that night. That's Michael Che. That's me. Cleaning up the boards.

No doubt about it. That's how that works. Cleaning up the boards. I'm Holder McNeely. I got a snappy new nickname. It's Fun Boy. Good time. All right, but I will say, Che, my girl was not a board.

She had huge tits. Huge tits. All right, sit in for a kiss. Fun Boy? Makes me think of, like, fun bags. Like, your face is like a pair of tits. Oh, man, I love that. Yeah, that'd be fantastic.

The thing under his chin. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, we got the... Ed Larson, sitting in for Kevin Barnett. I am black today. That's great, Eddie. Blackie, black, black. That's me. All right, Blackie.

We should call it on the Blackie. Uh-huh. Well, I think that's it. I'm one of them. No! You're black in the sense that you're going to die young. That's for damn sure. How does it feel to be black, Ed?

Oh, God. I'm broke. I lost my ID. How's your father doing? Does he know who you are? It's funny. It's exactly the same. Yeah, you actually are black.

It's very bizarre. I mean, he's not because the only black person is doing amazing your voice is just louder that's it yeah i gotta talk over these movies which occasionally i will say is a uh compliment to the african-american people because there's a lot of bad movies out there that need to be talked over. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. If your best director was Tyler Perry, you'd talk loud, too. Absolutely.

Someone's got to fix that dialogue. All right, I'm Ben Kissel. In the Chuckle Hub, we've got Ross Parsons. Thanks for being here, Ross. No problem. Thanks for having me. Absolutely. You want to change the pace, Ross.

No problem at all. All right. Thanks, guys. This was really good. Well, it's nice to have you here, Ross. It's really good to be here, you know. This was nice. I really enjoyed your OKCupid profile.

So this is kind of a bizarre. Wait, you actually found my OKCupid profile? Oh, yeah. All right. I don't know what to do sitting in between two very soft-spoken individuals. I feel like I need to be Ed Loud on this side of the table. Yeah, we're spreading it out. I'll talk louder. Yeah, please talk louder.

I'm gonna yell a lot. Alright, everybody. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first story of the night? John and Darla Crocker, who dutifully abstained from sex during their 14-month courtship, have remained abstinent after marriage and plan to do so indefinitely.

It was holy before, and it must be double holy afterwards, Darla says. They have now completed 25 months of marriage without any sexual contact, going about their normal lives, jobs, and social calendar with no hint of relational strain. Sometimes after dinner, they will kiss in the kitchen and, quote,

start having bedroom thoughts, Darla says, but they never fail to pull back. Darla breaks away to spray cool misted water on her face. John eats a whole raw potato to take himself out of the mood. So a whole raw potato. He just gets sick? He makes himself sick to get out of the mood? That makes an Irishman hard, doesn't it?

I just think it's funny that they get sexual thoughts right after dinner. That's like the least sexual I feel is after dinner. Really? Oh, I got to shit. I got to fart. You like after eating fucking? No, never. I'm covered in gravy.

I don't have to wait. I got to shower. I have to get it off. Shay, what do you think? How many days countdown until John shoots up his office? Just let him fuck a dude. He clearly wants to. There's no way

that he's fucking straight. So he like chisels that raw potato into the shape of a dick and then eats it. Yeah, well he doesn't need it. He sticks it in his ass and he can't find it anymore. Yeah, that's what you would go with if you had to suck a potato. You'd go with a long potato. If you had those issues, you'd pick

out the more phallic one. Yeah, like the fingerling potato. I go with a long potato. If you had those issues, you'd pick out the more phallic one. Yeah, like the fingerling potatoes. I'd suck a red potato. Why is that, Ed? That's too small. It's small. Those are like balls. Yeah, but he's extremely horny,

so he needs a large potato to facilitate the horniness. No, but I get it. He's got a hole to fill. Like an anal bee. You stick the little ones one at a time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But in the mouth or in the butt? Well, wherever. I'm not getting picky. We do know that he was eating the potato via mouth, right? Not butt-bonging it there. Absolutely. Okay. That guy's not.

He's gay. Come on, man. Well, or she's a raging lesbian. Take a look at this couple right here. Oh, he's gay. Oh, they're very fat. Hey, dude. That's why I had the information before you.

Get this woman a dick. I don't think that she wants one And she believes it I mean it's a vicious cycle He's fat because he's a closeted gay In order to be a closeted gay He's gotta eat a potato every time he gets horny So he doesn't fuck his wife

It's a bad diet It's really sad man And why doesn't she wanna fuck cause he's fat I mean probably I'm sure she's a lesbian because all she has to do is just spray cool water on her face and she's good. This guy's slamming a potato down his mug. Is this a religious thing?

Yes. What sect of Christianity are they? It doesn't say what sect, but, you know, they are... It goes on, they don't know when they'll finally break the pledge and they feel no pressure. After abstaining so long before marriage, Darla says, a few extra years is nothing. Of course, we don't lord it over any other couple

who decides to have sex after marriage. Oh, don't lord it over everybody? You're nice to them. Bitch. There's a whole article about it. You fucking being like, I'm so fucking great. No, I feel bad for you.

Both of you. I feel bad for this fucking frigid cunt. Go fuck something. Go fuck something. Well, I don't know if he's a very good you. Don't feel bad for this fucking frigid cunt. Go fuck something. Go fuck something. Well, I don't know if he's a very good lay yet. Holden, what kind of food would you have to eat in order not to be aroused anymore? Coleslaw and corn. Oh, all right.

Well, barbecue, though. I mean, barbecue. Barbecue gets me going. That's sexy. How does coleslaw turn you off? Oh, it's just sloppy bad times. Yeah, but mayonnaise, man. You fucking put mayonnaise on anything. It's sexy. It gets you hard off. It, it's just, you know, sloppy bad times. Yeah, but mayonnaise, man. You fucking put mayonnaise

on anything, it's sexy. It gets you hard off. It's sort of cummy. Eating coleslaw is the closest thing to eating a wet vagina, I suppose, so that could turn you off

if you're not into it. Because that's the thing. You eat wet vagina with a spoon? Oh, yeah, my tongue, a spoon, a fork. They hate it when I do it with a knife,

but sometimes it's midnight and I can't find a spork. So what's happening with this couple here? Do you guys feel like they're going to stand the test of time? Is this love real? Of course they are. They're just going to have food on the side. They're just going to have their separate shit. I mean, who's fucking

these people? Does it say if their parents are dead or not? I actually really do need to know that because if they are then I'm like yeah call the guy wouldn't say that that would be the only circumstance

I could imagine where the parents would be embarrassed by how much sex their child isn't having yeah that's true it's like you're married and you're still not getting laid son Jesus Christ but if your father's done

this isn't what I put you through college for yeah that's what you spend the money for you spend the money for the sex right money for a wedding how does this become an article though like what do they do they go to the papers and they're like hey you know what I got to tell you a story or we got a hot lead like probably that writer's neighbor or something is sick about his sick of hearing about isn't it true though if you don't bang you're not technically married yeah you haven't had sex in how long now? Isn't it true, though, if you don't bang, you're not technically married? Yeah, you haven't consummated the relationship.

Yeah, you can nullify that. Or what do they call it? A null. A null, yeah. But also, why isn't that against the religion thing? Unless you're doing anal, it can get a null. That's what I say. Thank you, Ross, for the high five.

What's that, Jack? It's against the religion thing, though, because a part of being married is to have a family. That's a good point. You must start procreating to have a family. You must start procreating to have a family and if you're not doing that that's already against it. I think we figured out that this is different motives going on here. At least for the guy. The guy

is definitely gay and he convinced her. I think she is straight. I actually do. She's just crazy, psycho, Carrie style religious. I think she's straight. He just wants to take care of someone. He has found the perfect beard. And for anybody out there looking for a beard, this is how you fucking do it.

Go to your nearest church. That's right. Get that super religious chick. Good point. You'll never have to fuck her, and you can just live out the rest of your life with a wife. What are you talking about? If you need a beard. Take the beard off.

If you need a beard. Guys, I fucked up on this one. What happened? He ate a legume. This is from a comedy site. I hate comedy. How did this happen? This has never happened before.

This has never happened before. Don't plug it. Don't plug them. They fooled us. Yeah, exactly. I apologize to our listeners. This has never happened before. I don't even know what to do.

I was excited about the potato. This is worse than Jason Blair. I don't know what that is. But why could that? The Boston Marathon blast, that would have been much better on a comedy site if it didn't happen. This should have happened. A man eating a potato not to fuck his wife. What?

This should have happened. Did you see the pictures not to fuck his wife. This should have happened. Did you see the pictures of the 8-year-old kid? What's wrong with you? Dead. By the way, Ed Larson. There was a better time to bring that up. It wasn't now. No, I was saying it would have been better if it didn't happen. Either way, Marcus, what's another...

Die alone! What is wrong with you people? Are you serious right now? They were just runners. Don't blame the victims here. What's another? You're going to die alone. What is wrong with you people? Jesus. Are you serious right now? They were just runners. Don't blame the victims here. That is me, by the way. You fucking idiots.

You know what? I don't want to do it tonight. I'm done with it. These fucking animals. Fuck off. Fuck you all. I got to go to bed. I haven't done anything wrong.

What the fuck happened? That's pathetic. Marcus, give us a real story. You're being the animal. You're the animal. You're the fuck off, Jackie. No, you're the fuck off. That's insanity. I wish that was on the comedy blog so it didn't actually happen.

Like the story that Marcus fucking read that didn't actually happen. You know, it would have been great if 9-11 had been in a comedy blog. Yeah, so it didn't happen. Thank you, Ross. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Goddamn scavengers. Go to the woods for a goddamn week. You come back like raccoons.

Fucking eating at my ass. All right, let's cleanse the palate. Let's cleanse the palate. Let's cleanse it with some goat news. All right. I love goat meat. Being a black man. Being a white man, too, man too man goat meat is great

I don't like this whole being white thing I don't know how do you feel about it how could you not like this whole being white thing once you embrace not being as cool

you're just you know everybody hates all this privilege no it's fine you can be like now that you're white you can finally date a black woman

oh fuck it hey oh shit like you yeah that is true fucking amazing you can finally date a black woman. Oh, fuck it, hey. Is that? Oh, shit, like you. Yeah. That is true. Fucking amazing. Black women do love white men. It's the same thing. I'm dating a black girl.

Are you? How's that going, Chad? Why are you shocked? We're just always dating black girls. She's not, like, beating on you or anything, though, right? Listen, that was a long time ago, and I don't like to talk about that. No, she's not violent at all, this one. That's great.

She's very sweet. She's very low-spoken and all that shit. Okay. That's wonderful. So you hit her. She's docile. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I got to.

I'm a R&B singer now. Slamming down those potatoes. You haven't touched her yet. I haven't. No, I've touched her a lot, man. She likes it. Nice. It's great.

Good. Good. All right. What's the story, Marcus? Is that weird? That's pretty cool. No, it's great. No, no, no, it man. She likes it. It's great. Oh, yeah. Good. All right. What's the story, Mark? Is that weird? That's pretty cool. No, no, no. It's not weird to touch.

Beautiful. I'm going to bring her to the show. Oh, please do. No, that would never. Yes. Oh, Che, bring your girlfriend to the show. No, she's not my girlfriend. No?

Well, then that's better for me. Hello. How are you? I've been falsely accused of misspeaking. And I would love to have sex oh my god well I'm just saying

when people come at me I fucking come at them you gotta stop coming at girls on the fucking subway man that's not how you get them yeah

alright we have different tactics yeah that's frowned upon no it's not I mean it's goat news time thank you I'm serious

hear about these goats alright goat news police in Nigeria are holding Let's hear about these goats. Goat news. Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. I mean, not really the story. That was a great joke. That was a great joke, actually. Yeah, man.

I love making fun of Africa. I don't want to do this anymore. No, it's bad. Did you people hear what I said? They're holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery. Oh, my God. I might have done it, to be fair. How the fuck is it going to be armed robbery if goats don't have arms?

He's got a bazooka on his back. Everyone knows that whole trick. According to Che, they didn't have cops. These are new cops. They're just trying. They're figuring out the laws and how crimes work. They don't want to use it on people yet. They're going to use it on goats.

Nigerian police. They have, like to use it on people yet. They're going to use it on goats. Nigerian police. They have like suitcases full of handcuffs. They're trying to sell them to the criminals. Don't know how to use these. So I guess we throw these and then they come back? Is that how handcuffs work? I guess so. All right.

This is a real story, right? This is a real story. Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police, saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323. What if they were right? Basically, they're saying those cops totally stole a Mazda 323. Oh, absolutely. Quarra State Police spokesman Tunde Mohammed told Reuters by phone, the group of vigilante men came to report

that while they were on patrol, they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However, one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat. They put a little jail suit on him. Ed's salivating right now.

Well, he's the cheapest prisoner ever. We just feed him cans. That's kind of nice. He's just like, he's on the top bunk. Trying to kick his way out. He's tough to keep in here. Always pissing on the guy. Oh, man, how was your prison experience?

Oh, dude, it was terrible. I got bunked up with a goat. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, I got them to eat my ears. Yeah,ed up with a goat. Oh, that's hilarious. Yeah, it wasn't good for me, but that's fine. Anyway, didn't know if you dropped the soap in the shower, a goat still rapes you? Very weird. Very weird.

Every time I took a shit, he kicked me in the face. Yeah. But I learned my lesson. Did they release the goat yet or no? No. What, what? Tunde Muhammad went on to say, we cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody.

Good. That's the thing. I think this falls apart because if you turn into a goat, you wouldn't be able to turn back into a person to start to use the car again. You don't know that.

You don't know anything about black magic. Black magic, yeah. If he was able to turn into a goat as a man, I think you can turn back into a man as a goat, no doubt about it.

Haven't you seen the wizard fight in Sword of the Stone? Why has it got to be black magic? Why can't it just be magic? Yeah, you're right! I'll tell you what, it should be white magic because it's so good! Let me finish!

Let me finish! Race traitor! You are a race traitor! I don't think we're trading races. There's not Pokemon here. I didn't mean it racially. I'm saying when you say black magic, it means like it's some evil thing. Turning into a goat is just a regular fucking trick. That's not that evil.

That's what we call it. Purple magic, orange magic. If he said it's black magic, I would think, oh, he turned into a devil thing or whatever. He made them start convulsing and shit. But the goat was an armed robber. Yeah. That's not good. No, but he was an armed robber. He. That's not good. No, but he was an armed robber.

He turned into an innocent goat. Goats are satanic. I wonder why he turned into a black and white goat, though. What is that saying? Yeah, it's just social commentary. Beyond racial. He was trying to turn into a zebra. I wasn't making it a race thing.

I was just saying. It was not a race thing. Jay, I'm upset that you made it a race thing, but it's okay. You can just end today, and I appreciate you. No, but I do agree with you. It should not be black magic. It's just magic, man. It's just a cool fucking trick.

Think about it. Well, residents came to the police station to see the goat photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw. Now that's suspicious. Oh, so it was a sexy picture. And I don't know why, but the stock photo that Reuters chose to use is a goat walking on candles. Oh, very interesting. I'm walking on sunshine.

And I feel like my feet are burning. Can I use the candle picture? I love his candle picture. All right, you can use it. Can I use the candle picture? I love his candle picture. All right, you can use it. That's very good.

And that's from a magician performing with a goat during the opening ceremony of the 33rd Monte Carlo International Circus Festival in Mononco. Think about that. Mononco. A white magician using black magic. Not appropriate. I mean, these guys are brilliant. You know, they knew the cops were stupid, and they knew if they committed a crime and they brought a goat with them, they could just blame it on the goat. I mean, it's a brilliant move. I think these guys are brilliant. You know, they knew the cops were stupid, and they knew if they committed a crime and they brought a goat with them,

they could just blame it on the goat. I mean, it's a brilliant move. I think these guys are dead on. I mean, if I committed a crime, I would bring a squirrely cat or a rabid rat, you know, something like that, and you can blame it on them. Let's move from goats to elephants. An elephant in the Ringling Brothers in Barnum and Bailey Circus was injured in a drive-by shooting in Mississippi on Tuesday.

Injured? Mississippi? Yeah. Elephant in Mississippi? In Tupelo. He was with the circus. He was a circus elephant. Ah, Tupelo.

Right next to Wampalo. Yes. That's a classic prior bit. That's a fucking... I can't take credit for that. Yeah, yeah. Three below, four below. You can just put any number in there.

Shame he wasn't in Alabama or Tuscaloosa. That's a Marx Brothers joke. All these people have been dead for decades. It still holds up! Yeah, does it? The Asian elephant was resting in an enclosure. Why'd they have to call it an Asian elephant? Alright

How'd you want it? Was he squidding all over the place? Yeah, exactly He was eating a bunch of rice instead of peanuts They showed him how to use chopsticks with his fucking trunk, huh? It was doing laundry There's a bunch of different stereotypes you could say that he was doing laundry. There's a bunch of different stereotypes you could say that he was doing.

It got in a car crash. That's fine. Everyone gets in a car crash sometimes. That's true, so that's not really an Asian thing. I think they put it in the article because everybody would have just assumed it was an African elephant. Yeah, that's a good point, Ross.

Thank you. It's so much crazier how much more I hate Asians since I've become black. Hurry up and buy! All right. So what's happening with this elephant? How's it doing? Is it going to survive the drive-by shooting? And how slow is that car going?

Yeah, it was hit in the shoulder area with a shot fired from a passing vehicle. The circus is in Tupelo for several shows that are due to start at the arena on Thursday. Circus staff attended to the elephant until a local veteran arrived. He said it is expected to make a full recovery. That's nuts. What's it when rednecks hang out

the window of their car and shoot at animals while they're driving? Lorphan. Sunday afternoon? No, there's a name for it. Brunch. I think it's called shining. Shining. Yeah, they shine the light. They shine the light and the deer look at the light. Spotlighting. Spotlighting? We call it shining.

It's called spotlighting when you put a spotlight out trying to kill wild hogs in the middle of the night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they deserve it just being alive and everything. They root up all the fucking peanuts! And you love peanuts. That is very, very true. Well, this is the saddest drive-by shooting I've ever heard of.

Why shoot the elephant? I guess it's the biggest thing in the world. I don't think they were very bad at drive-by shooting. It probably crossed them. It might have crossed them. Was there a person in front of the elephant that was the original target? Just says there was an elephant. Yeah. No other animals or people were injured in the shooting.

Tupelo Police Department detectives have been looking for leads in the case, but so far have little information. And that comes from Police Captain Rusty Haynes. Yeah. That's so bad. I can tell you who it is. It's the guy at the bar bragging about how he shot a goddamn elephant today There's no doubt about it I guess if you had to shoot an elephant

That's probably one of the better animals to shoot in a drive-by I think that's one of my favorites No, you don't shoot elephants You probably survive What's a lame animal to kill? Hyena, shoot a hyena No one has a hyena in a parade. Just pick it on hyenas.

Nobody has... Scavengers! But somehow elephants are too cool to get shot. Yeah, they are. Absolutely. Hyenas are dirt animals. The only person... The only thing too cool to get shot is Ryan Gosling.

What do you think about that, Shay? I know you agree with me because you're a smart man. I would shoot the fuck out of an elephant. They're probably What do you think about that, Che? I know you agree with me because you're a smart man. I would shoot the fuck out of an elephant. They're probably gonna live. Why not, man? He's got tough skin. He can handle it.

Exactly. You can't miss him. An elephant? A rhinoceros? You can't miss him. You immediately look cool. You can't miss him. And an alligator.

I feel like an alligator or a rhinoceros... He's not gonna fall. He's just gonna stand there and be like... He's strong. He's strong. Fuck him. Absolutely. I just feel like I've seen Dumbo.

They always look like sad animals to me now. I can't shoot him. How bizarre would it be? It's the eyelashes. Did they have eyelashes? I don't know. I just always think of Snuffleupagus. Always had really long eyelashes. I feel like that gives anyone a character. Yeah. He's a woolly mammoth. He's a woolly mammoth. and really long eyelashes. I feel like that gives anyone a character.

Yeah. He's a woolly mammoth. He's a woolly mammoth. He also wasn't fucking real, Ross. Oh, come on. That's some pretty shitty eyelashes. Oh, my God. He does have a lot of them, though.

They found the worst elephant. I thought that was a mature porn close-up or something. It's an elephant's eye, everybody. Olds and silver hair. Yeah, man. It looked pretty gross. No doubt about that. I'd shoot. He deserves to be shot right in the face.

Did you get hard or not get hard? Because I got very aroused. Yeah, man. I quite liked it. I got to get anybody got a potato. I got to calm myself down. Marcus, did they find the people who shot this poor elephant? No leads.

No leads. You have not been listening to a word I've said, have you? Well, I knew it was an elephant, so I listened to one. I would love to see the guy that discovered his elephant got shot. If there's no leads, that means they didn't see anything. They just heard a bang. They walked out and they saw an elephant bleeding.

Guy in the grass, knoll did it. Damn, man. That's a fucking hell of a crime to crack. It is a tough crime to crack. I feel like they're barely trying to figure it out. You don't think that's on the... I would put that number one. That's number one on the docket

if an elephant gets shot in my town. It has to be safe for the elephant folks. Yeah, that's a good thing. The circus ain't coming back next year. That's for sure. These guys ruin the circus forever. No, yeah, that's a good thing. The circus ain't coming back next year, that's for sure. These guys ruined the circus forever. Which is very, very sad. Well, Tupelo, Mississippi doesn't have a whole lot going on as far as crime goes.

Only two murders in 2010. But that's seven people. 26 rapes. Not bad. 30 robberies. 23 assaults. In Tupelo, Mississippi? Yeah.

That happens in an apartment complex in a month in Brooklyn. That's insane. How many people are in Tupelo, Mississippi? This is per 100,000 people. Oh. That's very good. Two murders in 100,000 people. And one elephant.

26 rapes, though. Yeah. Bit of the rapey. No, it's not. That's not bad. That's not too rapey. What's bad rapey? Hundreds. Thousands. Hundreds of rapes?y. No, it's not. That's not bad. That's not too rapey. What's bad rapey? Hundreds. Thousands.

A hundred thousand. A hundred thousand for a hundred thousand. That's a terrible statistic. A hundred thousand rapes once a month. Yeah. One night every month. Yeah, it's like getting jury duty. They send you a letter. Yeah.

You gotta respond. You're like, it's gonna be twice. I've never heard of that. I'm moving to Tupelo. Alright Marcus, what's another story? A woman intentionally rammed her car into a man's car while arguing over a parking space in San Francisco, but the victim was so focused on her low-cut

dress that all he could describe to officers afterwards were her breasts. I thought you were gonna say her pussy. I mean, to be fair, that's all the cops describe to officers afterwards were her breasts. I thought you were going to say her pussy. I mean, to be fair, that's all the cops wanted to know about. He couldn't tell the officers what kind of car it was. What? The license plate number.

And he literally explained her breasts for like two hours, too. Cops say quotes. He's a smart man. He is a smart man. He set up the world's greatest police lineup ever. This is not good. It's a bunch of topless women.

Like, yeah, those are them. That's it. I probably should see them. Nah, I need to touch them. I believe her t-shirt was wet. I want to spray them down. You're definitely going to want to spray them down. Could you cut the lights off, please?

Come to think of it, I saw her pussy first. Isn't that weird? Cops say he was able... Her cheeks were spread. Run around all weird. They were clapping a lot. You know what? I don't think anybody hit my car after all.

So they didn't find her, though? No, police say he was only able to give a detailed description of the suspect's cleavage. They did find a pair of floating breasts, though. But they didn't have a driver's license, so... Holden, what part of the body would you have to... If you're staring at a body part of a lady,

it's not her tits. What is it, like an ear? Well, I'm a heel man. She's wearing heels. I'm going to talk about those sexy, sexy gams she's got down there. Couple of legs. I thought you meant her actual heel and how callous it was. No, no, no.

She had a band-aid on her Achilles. Yeah, cover up them blisters, girl. Also, I can describe any woman's the inside of her mouth to anybody at any time. I know what Jackie's looks like. I know what everybody's looks like. How does Jackie's look?

Well, I use three words usually to describe it. The first word is books. The second word is throat, because she's a throat woman. Yeah, I have a throat. Yeah, definitely. It shines right out. And the third word is I'm not making this up on the spot, vacuum.

Wow, books, throat, vacuum. It's a real cavernous terror that I have in my head. It sounds like a terrible place to put a cock. All three of those things sound terrible to vacuum. Throat vacuum sounds all right. Yeah, two out of three ain't bad. A vacuum? You can't put your cock in a vacuum. It's not dirty. There's not dust on it bad. A vacuum? You can't put your cock in a vacuum.

It's not dirty. There's not dust on it. Marcus, how many times did you put your cock in a vacuum? Once. What are you talking about? Who's putting their dicks in vacuums? Marcus also had a fleshlight

for quite a while. I still have my fleshlight. That's gross. What age did you put your cock? Well, that's true. Especially the ones that hook up into the house. They've got those long, very nice hoses.

You don't put it into the brushes on the bottom. You put it into the attachment. So you're not a butt guy. But how old were you when you put your cock in a goddamn vacuum? 27. I'm going to go over. I'm going over. Probably 12, 13

Somewhere around there It's that age When you're putting your dick Into anything Light sockets and things Well did you guys ever Masturbate with the Bubbles that came out

Of the jets in the pool No boys and girls Are different Yep That's a girl thing Yeah it's definitely A girl thing Yeah

Nothing makes an erection Go down faster Than bubbles in a tub Absolutely That's an old thing My grandfather told me He was a really sick man Yeah yeah down faster than bubbles in a tub. Absolutely. That's an old thing my grandfather told me. He's a really sick man.

That's one of those pieces of information where we're like, well, thank you for living that for me, so I do not have to do that. That's very nice of you. It got real weird at the end. Yeah. Not bad. You should have taught him the potato technique. Look at that boy. I'm not hard anymore. That's crazy.

Shay, I'm pretty sure she had dementia. I'm pretty sure she had boy. I'm not hard anymore. That's crazy. Shay, I'm pretty sure she had dementia. Huh? I'm pretty sure she had dementia. I'm pretty sure she did as well. Oh, your grandmother

said that? No, my grandfather did. Oh, grandfather. He's not a good listener. Yeah, it's okay. Well, they took a bunch of mushrooms for the week.

Yeah. That's great. Marcus, what's another story? A Florida inmate was rebuked by an Osceola County during a court hearing on Monday for his, quote, grabbing the penis routine. You know that old thing.

A little song and dance number and a top hat on the cane. Oh, man, and I'm losing them. I better bring out the closer. I've seen it one too many times, Sonny. Where's my penis top hat this time? That was nice. Q is putting on a rich skirt. All right, hurry up.

Jorge Garcia is seen grabbing his crotch as he stands and approaches a microphone at a bond hearing. Judge Kel Draper said, oh, stop with the grabbing the penis routine. Shaking her head while glaring over her glasses. I mean, she loved it. She wanted it. She needed it. Stop it, sweetie. She just stole it from Bill Hicks. Oh, he was just rebuked, though. Yeah, he was rebuked.

Okay. What does that mean, he's rebuked? That's a legal term. Stop it. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. Rebuked is an odd word to put for that. In a courtroom situation. You can't be arrested for that. He's grabbing his dick.

I think that's the Paul routine. Yeah, was the dick out of his pants or was it in his pants? He was just grabbing his crotch. You can totally do that. You can do that. As long as you're not doing it at a child, you can do it. Yeah. Do you know that for a fact? No, you can't do it at a judge, Ed. You can't do that. As long as you're not doing it at a child, you can do it. Yeah. Do you know that for a fact?

No, you can't do it at a judge, Ed. You can't do it. You can't do it at a judge? Why not? You can't grab your dick at a judge. Everybody does it. Everybody moves and grabs. It's like, that's how it goes.

No, you can't grab your dick at a judge the same way you can't show your butthole to a judge. You can't touch it. Because you can't do anything with a judge. You've got to look them in the eyes. They're intense people. It'd be great to fuck a judge while they're wearing judges' robes. I think judges are very sexy.

You think so? Judge Joe Brown, man. Anytime. First of all, anybody that's in a gown that lifts up is erotic to me in that way.

I like that. Just an easy kind of access thing. Just so you can see their damn ass. How was graduation for you? Huh? How was graduation for you? Well? How was graduation for you? Well, I didn't get to graduate,

but I stayed home and beat off a lot. Well, that's where fantasies come from, the things you don't have. But Jackie, I mean, women don't grab their pussies. I feel like that's a strong statement. When you see a girl grab their pussy, that's a lot of fantasy. It happens.

It's a lot of scratching. It's more of a scratch situation I feel like I've gotten used to As like a woman getting older That like you see other women It's not even like Oh they must have like yeast It's not that

Sometimes you just fucking You get a scratch And you gotta fucking scratch it What was the last time you Grabbed your pussy at someone And like you know Like this Fuck you Fuck you Suck it Suck it Yeah You haven't done that yet You gotta fucking scratch it. When was the last time you grabbed your pussy at someone and like, you know, like, but like, yeah, like, fuck you.

Fuck you. Suck it. Suck it. Yeah. You haven't done that yet. Women don't do it. That's what I'm saying. No.

You would be so good at it. Maybe that'll be my new thing, guys. I think it should be your new thing. I walked onto the Ford train the other day. It was completely jam-packed. There was one seat open. I was like, I might take the seat. I looked down and sure enough, it was the, it was the painting of a pussy that just bled blood all over the seat.

Yeah, it was quite amazing. I saw two doves kissing each other and stuff. It was a very... I saw that before. It was a Rorschach moment. I saw a woman get up out of her seat, and there was like a kind of a splatter of blood. Yep, and you know what it looks like. And I was like, oh, boy.

How old are you? You can't have that happen anymore. I think when your period happened on the subway, it just happened. She had no idea. It wasn't like she was sitting there embarrassed. Isn't it a surprise sometimes? I mean, it depends on the person. Yeah, you were always ready for it, though.

No, I'm completely. You never get surprised? I'm never, ever surprised. It's great. Good for you. Well, let me show y'all a video. You got bloody pussy pictures? I mean, I've eaten a bloody pussy.

Is that what you're talking about? We're not talking about it. We're not talking about it. I was just saying Marcus maybe just shits himself randomly on the subway and stands up, and there's his little poo-poo stand. Oh, no. I hadn't shit myself since I was about 22. Cool.

That's not bad. Yeah. Same here. Everyone has that shitting themselves story. Well, let me show y'all the penis grabbing incident right here. Wait, are they in a jail? Wow, everyone's wearing their orange jumpsuits.

This is a Bond hearing. She's not even dressed like a judge. No, she looks like a fucking fat scarlet. Alright, everyone's lazy here. Everyone's lazy. Watch. There it is. There it is. That's it? That's it. Oh, that was a readjustment.

He had a boner. He was looking at the judge. She's very attractive. He has a personal love for her. No, that wasn't. No, that was terrible. That's ridiculous. He got in trouble for that?

Yeah. He was just walking up, and he kind of, sort of, maybe touched his dick. He was obviously just moving it over because it was stuck to his leg or something. It could have been a ball. It could have been a huge nut. That's the thing. Women don't have large testicles. There's probably a lady with a large enough labia

who when they stand up, they probably have to readjust their labia. Absolutely. I mean, I will say this, though. I think I caught a smirk. You think he was happy about it? In that dick grab. I thought I saw a tiny smirk.

Well, have you ever grabbed your dick and not smiled? I mean, that's the thing. It makes you feel amazing. Come on, man. I've definitely never grabbed a dick and not smiled. Yeah, dude. Good for you. That is lucky.

It's absolutely lucky. I love this. We've lost half the room. Jackie's about to go pee. I was going to go, but they just took up the bathroom, so I guess it's boy time. Come on, boys. Are you calling Ross and Marcus girls? Yes.

That's very, very true. They're both so tiny. I feel like I could just shake them to death. Thank you for thinking that I am a boy. Well, I mean, you're just off in a corner. I don't know if that counts. No, he's a boy. He's a boy.

Loves video games. Yeah. he's a boy. He's a boy. Loves video games. Yeah. That's a boy thing to love. You know, being a boy is so much better when you're black. What's your favorite thing about being a black boy? Young boy or like a firm teenage black boy. Oh, yeah. Because that I could see in pedophilia.

It's great. I just made the team. That's not bad. How many years have you been trying to make the team, Ed? Oh, so many years. And then suddenly I just got the letter right now. It was a Western Union telegram, and I'm on varsity. Western Union telegram.

Telegram for a black ad. Oh, they know. It's like a live show. That's really remarkable, actually. Not too shabby. All right, Marcus, you want to go into another news story? A puppy tied to train tracks in the California desert narrowly avoided being crushed by an oncoming train.

The 10-month-old poodle-terrier Mix was tied to the tracks near Mecca, California earlier this month by a 78-year-old man. The engineer of the approaching train saw the man walking away from the tracks and used emergency brakes to stop the locomotive. Union Pacific Special Agent Sal Pina arrived on the scene, untied the pooch, and detained the man who said his family didn't want the dog and didn't know what to do. They tied it to the train tracks. There's so many ways to get rid of a dog.

Open the back door. Just open the fucking door. The thing is, I was really pissed off until I found out it was a poodle. Yeah. That makes it better. Not only a poodle,

but a poodle-terrier mix. Look at this little fucker. Oh, it is cute. It's an adorable dog. I mean, it was on the train tracks. It's in a blanket. Almost murdered. Yeah.

And the Union Pacific Special Agent Sal Pena said, it's probably one of the worst things I've ever seen. Absolutely. You know what's crazy is that the train actually stopped in time. Yeah. How did they know whose dog it was? Did they sit there and watch it? The guy was sitting there like with his fucking fingers.

That's mine. Sorry. The only person was a poodle terrier. Well, what happened is that officials did not pursue animal cruelty charges against the man because he, quote, appeared to be confused or senile and didn't fully understand what he had done. I think it's still time. The old senile, grabbing the penis, time dog's little train track trick.

So, Marcus, let me ask you this question. Are there just a lot of heartless animal murder attempts going on, or do you just Google heartless animal murder attempts for the round table? Yeah, this is more than I've ever seen in my whole life. This has been a lot with the drive-by elephant. What happened this week?

I don't know. I do not know. This is just what I found. Here's the email updates on this. I walked in and I saw a picture of a puppy, very cute, wrapped in a towel. Someone tied him to a railroad track and tried to make him get hit by a train. But he's so cute. Why? Oh, my God.

It's probably because he looks so sad. What could be more adorable? I think it's exactly what we would do to Ben Kissel if we were trying to get him dead. It would be the cutest train death of all time. What could be more adorable than a little dog? As far as train murders go, it's the cutest. And the dog's name is Banjo. Goddamn, this fucking cucksucker.

Can you show them the picture, Marcus? Yeah, oh, everyone's seen the picture. Yeah, we all see Banjo. Oh, man, Banjo. Does Banjo have a scarf? I can't remember. He's wrapped up in a towel the days that they used to love Banjo. Dude, whatever.

Banjo's got a good fucking life now. I only wish something like this would happen to me, and then I'd get a good family to take care of me. Yeah, he's going to be fucking people now. Yeah, he's up for adoption. He's not going to be fucking people. He might be fucking people, actually. You never know who he's going to adopt.

He's up for adoption, and in the newspaper, featured in an article, that dog's going to live a great life. He's got to be a yippy dog. And his name's Banjo. What a great name for a dog. Yeah, man, let's make a movie about that dog. Yeah.

Hell, I'll make a movie about that dog. Ban. Hell, I'll make a movie about that dog. Banjo, the dog that almost got hit by a train. Directed by Michael J. Oh, no, I'm definitely calling it Banjo Untied. That's what I'm calling it. Ralph Tabler of the year. Michael J. Two years in a row.

On track for three. You missed it. The dog's name is Banjo. Chase said it's Banjo Untimed. What can you do about it? I'll tell you one thing We should make him round tabler of the year Speech speech

Oh should I chant my own speech? Speech speech It's official we're just going to do it early It's like when Daniel Day Lewis Made Lincoln Not bad Wow if we keep on giving it to you Daniel Day-Lewis made Lincoln. You're also going to buy this 2016 Mountain Worthy. Not bad.

Wow, if we keep on giving it to you, it's almost like the award doesn't matter. It matters, Ben. We got one more story before we get to a segment from old McNeely here. A man cut through his arms with saws at a Home Depot in West Covina. Shocking employees and customers who saw the grisly scene play out at the business store. How did he cut both of them off? He cut both arms down to the bone. Corporal Rudy Lopez said he just began sawing away.

He was pretty much intent on doing what he did. He was. Oh, that's amazing. The man calmly walked into the store on Azusa Avenue shortly before 1 p.m. Wednesday and grabbed the hand saws. An off-duty Pasadena paramedic was inside the store and helped the officers round up twine and rags, which they used to fashion tourniquets to stop... Eddie, what are you laughing so hard about? It's not bad.

Hey, man, I'm Sam Waterston, traveling Bible salesman. Mind if I see that song? Guess sales aren't going so well in 2013, huh? That's too bad. I really thought the Bible was going to take off in the new millennium. Man, this story is so much more fun now. Marcus and I heard this story while we were driving. It was probably like 2.30 in the morning.

We had been driving for like eight hours. We had another like eight hours to go. And this was on and we were just like awake in the car listening to this dude describe this story. And it was terrifying. It's like no one stopped him. No one did anything about it. People want to see if the saw works. Of course, because you can't stop him.

What are you going to interject? I don't fucking do it. Just travel the country here. I need that saw. Can you stop sawing your arbal? Just Jackie was in the front seat and I was in the back seat and we were listening to the radio

and she just slowly turns around and looks at me. And I'm like, well, we got something to talk about. Okay, what do you have to say? No, that means that he sewed one arm off with a sewn off arm. Yeah, that's incredible. He sawed it, but it was already sawed. Unless it was a table saw and it was just a machine. No, no, no.

These are hand saws, man. Really? So he hand sawed one arm with a hand sawed arm, man. That's fucking insane. That's incredibly hard to do. That is fucking... This guy's awesome.

Commitment. And they didn't stop him until he passed out. Why would you stop him? He's holding his... He's obviously dangerous with a saw. He's not hurting anyone.

It's just gross. It's kind of like when someone breaks a bottle over their own head Yeah You don't want to fuck with them They probably thought Sir you have to pay for that

You can't Yeah And no one stopped him The man was passing out As officers arrived Is that a Home Depot? This is at a Home Depot And by the way

The Home Depot was closed For the rest of the day Who does that? Good for them Get the rest of the day off I mean I don't Oh baby You're home early Why are you home early? I got it Who blows with the rest of the day? Good for them. Get the rest of the day off. Oh, baby, you're home early. Why are you home early?

This fucking dude came into the store. You're not going to believe this shit. And started fucking sawing his own goddamn arms off. You're cheating on me, aren't you? No, no, no, no, baby, I swear. You thought she was going to be here. You didn't think I was going to be here. I mean, I know if you break it, you bought it, but if you saw your arms off with it, do you have to buy it?

No. I feel like that's his saw now. You get your picture above the saw in the store. Oh, okay. Hall of Fame. Not bad, the Saw Hall of Fame. So what's going to happen to this guy? Do they soap up his arms?

Do they arrest him? I mean, is this legal to do in public? Can you just saw off parts of your body? It's like a self-mutilation. I mean, you're going to get... First of all, you're going to get disorderly conduct. It has to be, right? If you can't pee in public,

you can't sew your arms off in public. I mean... Defamation of... Defamation. Defamation of property? Yeah. Defamation of property? Defamation of property. What's it called? Destruction of property.

Destruction of property? Is it that easy? Defamation of property is like, I'm making fun of your property. Fuck this. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, fuck. I can the property. He's like, I'm making fun of your property. Fuck this. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Oh, fuck. I can't imagine.

How do you do that, man? That is, like, honestly, dedication. Imagine sawing through your own bone. Nope. Wow. What if it's just like an advertising campaign for this saw company? Hey, you want to kill yourself? Saw through your arms?

I know a dude who did it With our knife With our saw I feel like it's great If the saw can go through a can You know Here's what I wanna know He takes the saw And slices tomatoes with it Look at that

It's still sharp It's still sharp It's Julian I can still saw bread It's fucking amazing This is incredible Here's what I wanna know How fat was this guy

Because If you look Sawing down to the bone On say mine Or Ross's arms is not as hard. Mine too? Yeah. But

sawing down to the bone on say Eddie's arms is much different. A lot more to saw through. A lot more to saw through, but you know, it's just meat. You're going to get through it pretty fast. Being a cook, you'll cut through that meat as fast as you want to. That first cut's got to be fucking bad. The first one.

It probably goes right to the bone almost. Pretty much immediately. But they didn't say where he was before this, right? They have no information. He was probably in the sauce section. He was definitely in the sauce section. That's a good point. He's so funny.

At the Lowe's. I don't think they don't have the one for me. This is a Home Depot thing. You got sniffed out. They kicked him out. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. All right. Well, Marcus Parks is getting married to an 80-year-old multi-billionaire named Esther

Goontz. And he asked us to... What's her name? Esther Goontz. And he asked us to... What's her name? Esther Goontz. Oh, I knew her once. I knew her when she was 74, when she only had a couple of thousand. Yeah, G-U-N-T-Z.

She got famous and rich real quick. Oh, it's Goontz, it's not Gunts. No, I... Oh, you know what? I was talking about Lester Gunts. It was actually a man. Yeah, I know. I pleasured him for no money.

Lester, not Lester. Okay, I'm an idiot. But got a big gunt. Okay, that's what I was touching. So we have to plan the wedding. I'll start. Marcus is going to choose who he wants to have as his wedding planner. Marcus,

you guys are going to get married inside of a fucking volcano. For the after party, I'm getting Tom Waits to do a full set, dedicated, whatever you want him to do. You can't do that. We can do whatever we want. Also, I know you're thinking it. I know Ed's thinking it. Will there be monkeys at this wedding?

Yes, there will be monkeys. Yeah, monkeys at the wedding! We will have monkey butlers. Monkey butlers. Ed's thinking it. Will there be monkeys at this wedding? Yes, there will be monkeys. Yeah, monkeys at the wedding! Yeah. We will have monkey butlers. Rip your fucking face off. Monkey butlers. Depends on the monkey. Very heavily tranquilized. Monkey bartenders for the open bar at the reception.

I'm going to see if there's any other flourishes in my head. There's going to be a weed bonfire. So everybody can just sort of smoke on that the whole time. Nice. And we're going to go with just like a straight up just whiskey and moonshine open bar. No beer? Nope. BYOB.

Oh, I like that. Let me ask you this. How are we going to survive getting married inside the volcano? Oh, you're going to be wearing fucking spacesuits. Yeah, it's pretty badass. Who would like to try and fucking top that wedding plan? I mean, we're going to have a good time at my wedding.

It's going to be fried chicken as far as you can see. Okay. I got to hire a DJ. He's my boy. Oh, yeah, your boy? Yeah, my boy. Yeah, he's here.

He'll give us a real good deal. And we're going to get some airbrushed T-shirts. And can we get hats? Hats? Oh, yeah. Yeah, we'll get all kinds of crazy hats. It's a wedding, not a funeral, Ed. Yeah, yeah, no.

I was having a good time. You can't get airbrushed. We're going to get some collards. We're going to have collards. I'm going to go to a car. We're going to take over. It's going to be a public park. Boy, no one is on board with this.

He really described my aunt's wife. She was 19. Okay, don't judge her. Love. Love. Holy shit. That's great. Yeah, we're going to have a great time. Someone shit. That's great. Yeah, yeah.

We're going to have a great time. Someone's going to get shot. Well, you got to bless the wedding. Yeah. All right. Who's next? Who's got one? Ben?

Your wedding. It will take place around a bunch of bones. You're going to fucking have a bone altar. There's going to be a bone priest. Your wife is going to be a fucking virtual bone because she's old and about to die. And I'm going to fucking be there getting trashed off my ass. And I'm going to say, hey, good for you, Marcus, you fucking piece of shit. I was never friends with you.

And then I'm going to say a bunch of different things. I'm going to eat all the cake. Oh, yeah. And I and i'm gonna eat all the buffet food but if whatever i don't eat what no no no no no but this is where it gets good when i spit in all the food and then i watch everybody eat it uh that's gonna be hilarious do you have so much one forever dish your mouth well it's a buffet style and swamp this my friend Ben Kissel. Two gallon mouth. They call me alligator sweat because I drip out of my tongue. It'll be very, very exciting, but I'll tell you

one thing. After all that, after I burn the entire place down and I kill your wife and she's no longer alive. Am I in her will yet? Yeah, you are. Of course you are. What do in her will yet yeah you are of course you are what do I do but hug you

outside of a burning building like Tom Hanks hugged his fat friend in the movie The Burbs and we look at the burn and we look at everything firing up in the sky

and we say we're rich as fuck my friend and we never you never have to fuck that disgusting cobweb vagina again technically you're married technically you're a billionaire and mr marcus parks you and i will do radio

until the day we fucking die jesus christ that is the one to beat yeah that is a dream i can't work with kiss him for the rest of your life? Yeah, why not? He loves me. Alright, Ross, what you got for us? Alright, it's a pretty simple affair. There's a cave in a giant cave in a mountain I booked. I like that. That was great. We'll put some candles in there. We'll have a very small intimate ceremony. You know,

you say your vows, you do the ceremony, blah, blah, blah, and you know, we get drunk in a cave, maybe do some mushrooms, pills, whatever. Whatever people are feeling at the moment. And blah blah blah and you know we get drunk in a cave maybe do some mushrooms pills whatever whatever whatever people are feeling at the moment and by the end of the evening uh every all your guests will leave you and your bride they will blow up some dynamite right above the cave mouth and start a rock slide that will that will keep you and your bride in. And you will

fuck the shit out of each other in the complete darkness until you're worn out. Then you can go find where we hid the extra sticks of dynamite for you two to get out. Okay. You know what?

That was creepy dude and that's why I like it you don't know when you're in love until you're in danger that's what the people without pigment

did in the descent that's what they got there I mean I would actually like that if I was marrying my actual girlfriend yeah if I was marrying Nikita

that would be fantastic let's face it you're gonna fuck her on your wedding night yeah anyway you know it's just gonna be there the whole time this is an 80 year old senile woman you know you'll just like say oh it's the maid you know like i mean it's fine and like you just bang nikita you're not gonna sleep in her bed yeah you can't get in there's an oxygen tank in the bed. We'll get a lot of pussy together, though. Yeah, we will. I've lost them all. You're robbing this brother. That's part of my wedding plan, is that I start out trying to convince her, which I

will definitely do, that you were in the Iraq war and that you are not able to have sex. So it starts with that. So she just wants a young buck to have on. So it starts with that. So she just wants a young buck to have on her side. It's like a military wedding, right? There's a lot of military people. But they're all strippers. The wedding is going to be on her land

because obviously she's got a lot of land. Obviously. And she's going to want to look young for you. She's got a lot of gland, too. You know, she wants to get... Yeah, Eddie! Oh, put him out, put him out. He's on fire.

So out of the land, we're going to make a slip and slide, like, adventure land. Okay. So right before you guys say, you're going to say your vows, and then you're going to go down a man-made slide, alright? While we're throwing frogs up in the air, and you guys have to shoot them out of

the air, as you guys go down right after you make, right into the cake, okay? So she's gonna be so tired after that, you're gonna put her right to bed. And then the cowmen are going to perform. All right.

And then you can fuck anything you want in the pastures in the wet cake. Like animals. Like animals. So he has to fucking cake. He has to fucking animal. The whole night's great, but he has to have sex in the wild. What do you mean he has to have? Gets to have sex in the wild. You want to have sex in the wild? With an animal? Of course. You want to have sex in the house. What do you mean? He has to have, gets to have sex in the house.

You want to have sex in the house? With an animal? Yes, of course. I have to go and have sex in the house. With an animal? No, with my girlfriend. She's talking to an animal. Well, don't tell your wife about it.

But yeah, she'll be asleep. And she understands. You guys can never consummate the relationship. So, you know, that's how you're going to start your life. Beautiful. All right. That was gorgeous. Michael Che.

Well, all those weddings sound lovely. And I'm're going to start your life. Beautiful. All right. That's gorgeous. Michael Che. Well, all those weddings sound lovely. I'm not going to lie. I'm having a tough time coming up with something, but I think I got something that's even better than everything anyone's ever said here. Why don't we have it right here at the Creek in the Cave? So I'm having my wedding at work. Yes. Not only that, but right after the ceremony is an open mic. So I'm having my wedding at work Yes Not only that but right after the ceremony

There's an open mic And everybody signs up for the mic And we all toast We have flautas That's so sad And No wait a minute hear me out It'll be beautiful she'll love it

And that's the show. Oh, I think that was a wonderful wedding. That's awesome. I'll tell you one thing. My bit killed. I did it. Che, that is the worst thing I've ever heard. Well, well, think about this.

Think about this. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. Think about that. You know what? He's right. It's a wise black man comes through in the end. Ben wins.

Jesus Christ. That is racist. I had a great idea for a wedding. You chose the white man. All right. Well, that's been the late night drunken roundtable of gentlemen. Jackie Zabrowski, Michael, Shay, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely. Thank you for being here, Ross.

I thought that shit. I thought about Shay, Ed, Lars, and the whole thing. Thank you for being here, Ross. I thought about mine, too. Jackie, yours is probably what my actual wedding is going to be. Why would you not want to be trapped in a cave? All right. No, it's fine. If you figure six of us have given examples, where would mine rank? Last.

Well, that's not appropriate. Not that we don't love it. Because I don't want to come to work to get married. Yeah, you got a good point. And plus, open mics are horrible. Yeah. I know you have it. Everyone gets to get up and say what's on their mind.

I have actually been at a wedding with an open mic. Have you really? It was pretty bad. Sad. I can't even say that. Do you say you've been at a wedding with an open mic? Yes. Can we hear about this real quick?

There's this comedian in Seattle he wanted to have an open mic at his wedding. And he started the whole thing off with, oh, all these comedians only agreed to come to my wedding

because they wanted to do time. And everybody's like, no. you're making us do this and he had a loudspeaker and everything but like all this was like at his house so like in around like a neighborhood cul-de-sac so like kids could hear this like transgendered woman talking about her former penis you you know? Oh. So, like, kids are playing into the cul-de-sac, and we're like, I haven't always been Barbara. All right, well, that's a great Mike Lawrence impression. Let's finish it.

All right, guys, we'll be right back. Good night. Good night.