The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 142: Officer Dick Bonesteel

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: an police officer with the best name we've heard in a while prevents a machete attack, officials in China cover a bridge in butter to prevent suicides, and a quadriplegic achieves orgasm through his thumb. Joining us today: comedy photographer at large Mindy Tucker!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen of discussion civility gentlemen always civility alright is everybody soundtracked yeah we're just sitting around waiting for you to deal with being fired

Jeremy Elzeboob I'm sorry man I fucking let you down Satan I fucked it up I went to work today. I fucking let you down, Satan. I fucked it up. I went to work today, and I didn't get enough sleep last night. I fell asleep at work. And then I'm going to get fired.

Wow. All right. It's going to be a good episode. Wait, is that whenever you fell asleep at work today? No, man. Don't interrupt my prayer. I got to fucking not get fired. I will give you my nuts, my fingernails,

whatever you want. If you want to make a necklace out of my teeth like douchebags make necklaces out of sharks' teeth, I can be your shark and I'll fucking be a nice necklace for you. Don't let me get fired for my first job. Thank you so much, Beelzebub. Your first job?

First of all, it's not your first job. It is my first job in the business. And I'm going to get fucking fired because I'm sitting at a desk all day and there's not enough coffee in the office. Aren't you a dog nanny? You have to make everyone coffee? No. I thought you were dogs.

I drank all the coffee. That's the problem. And when I'm a dog, no, I'm writing for this best funerals ever show. And when I'm a dog nanny, I get paid to sleep. I'm supposed to cuddle them. So it's just a bizarre I gotta switch it off in my head. Oh, get fired from the writing job. Yeah. Oh.

I thought it was the dog nanny job because you fell asleep at your writing job today. Yeah. No, anyway. Alright. Thank you, Lord Satan. Thank you, Lord Satan. No, I just spoke with Satan. Everything is gonna be fine. Oh, you can have the job still. Thank you, Lord Satan. Thank you, Lord Satan. No, I just spoke with Satan. Everything is going to be fine. Oh, you can have the job still.

Thank you, Satan. And that's very good. Amen. Or nama, because he likes to have everything backwards, because he's Satan. Hey, nama. Nama. Yes. All right.

Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this roundtable? Jackie Zabrowski. Not as sad as Ben Kissel. No, you are not. And I'm pretty sad. Ed Larson, happier than both of you. Yeah, wow, that is definitely true.

Holder McNeely, I need squeezes. Barnett, I think that's your job. Kevin Barnett and Joyce, that Ben's career is over. No, no, no, that's not appropriate. That's not right. He had an illustrious two-week career. Well, it was a seven-day career. But some people don't have any careers,

and some people go on to have really great careers, and other people have a nice seven-and-a-half-day career. All right, and then with us in the Chuckle Out, we've got Mindy Tucker. Thank you for being here, Mindy. Thank you, guys. Mindy's an amazing photographer. And where can they see your work at?

Upstairs at the Creek in the Cave. And also the internet has a bunch of it. The internet, everybody. Go to it. Go to it now. Just if you go on the internet, her pictures will start just coming at you. Oh, yeah. They're everywhere.

They're around. What's your website? It's called withreservation.com. There we go. Withreservation.com. She makes comedians look good, which is very difficult to do. You're the only person I've ever met that can make comedians look good.

We'll definitely discuss who the ugliest comedian that you took a picture of. Mike Lawrence! Oh, yeah. Mike Lawrence? Oh, yeah. Mike Lawrence? I'd go myself. It could be me. Mike Lawrence is the only person greasier than Holden.

Yeah, that's true. That's bizarre. And I take a bath in it. That's really interesting. All right. With us as always, our newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's up, buddy? A paralyzed man has rediscovered the joy of sex by reaching orgasm when women touch his thumb. That's it?

That's great. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do. Oh, my God. That's great. Did you see The Sessions? No. Oh, that was fun. The Sessions.

What's The Sessions about? The Sessions is with this- Oh, I couldn't watch that. Oh, it's great. It's this guy. He's got, what's the- Riri syndrome. Bad brains.

Multiple sclerosis, maybe? Oh, same difference. Medical term, sure. Not Riri syndrome with bad brains. I could even be wrong on that. Anyway, he can't move anything, but he's still... Oh, MS people, they move all the time. They can't stop shaking.

Yeah, well, that's not what he has then. He's paralyzed. He lives in an iron lung. Oh, okay. Polio. Yeah, yeah, I think... Yeah, it is polio. It is polio. It is polio.

I'm pretty good at doctor. He gets a sex therapist. He hires this girl. She's not a whore. She's not a whore. But she's there to have sex with him. He pays her to have sex with him. Sounds a lot like what a whore is. It does sound similar to what a whore is.

She's touching a man who's never fucked out of a fuck. He's never had sex. But he can get. It's the definition of a whore. It is. She's testing a man who's never fucked out of a fuck. He's never had sex. But he can get hard. Still the definition of a whore. No, no, no. It's a medical whore. She only sees him five times and then that's it. So she's like, there's medical marijuana.

She's a medical whore. Yes! So it's legal. Yes! Okay, it's for his health. I don't know if it's legal. Okay. That's interesting.

So this man from the news story, is that who he hired? He hired a sex therapist? By the way, he got all the chicks. He got three chicks in the movie. Fucking ridiculous. The man in the iron lung got three chicks? Three chicks. He was smooth.

He was a poet. How did he... He was a poet who got hard. I'm sorry, but he can poeticize as much as he wants, but once they see his fucking nasty shriveled body, it's game over, my friend. I know from experience. Holden, were you ever in an iron lung?

No, no, but I just had women over and then the pants came off and they were just like, icky. Mindy, would you ever have sex with a guy who has to live in an iron lung? No. If he was very charming. I mean, how could he be that charming? He was pretty charming. His machine breathes

slightly quieter than you breathe at night, which is insanely loud. You can't sleep with a man in an iron lung. It's disgusting. No. I have given pity handjobs to dudes with small dicks. What was the smallest? I mean, sometimes I just feel like there should be a disclaimer. That's all I'm saying. Right, right. Maybe just let me know up front that there's like a situation.

Have you thought about just not trusting nice men because they all have small penises? Is that what it is? Mm-hmm. That's a fact. See, I thought it was the other way around to tell you the truth. Really?

Yeah. It's bizarre. Because people that are really secure with themselves tend to, you know, be kind of chill. All right. I think that's true. Imagine how sweaty the dude was inside of the iron lung. I feel like that's what I wouldn't be able to get over. Like, I could pop a squat on top of a shriveled body.

Uh-huh. But if it's fucking all sweaty. Treat it like you're pissing in the woods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If it's sweaty and shit, though, no thank you. But maybe the sweat is getting off all those pheromones. It's a good dildo that smiles.

That's nice. But does it smile? Can he smile? Yeah. I feel like he's just got that neutral door, you know? I don't know if he can be smiling. No, he's only paralyzed from the neck down. His face is fine. fine oh so he's thrilled

yeah oh yeah he's paralyzed from the neck down but then he's orgasmed off of his thumbs how is this this guy is a quadriplegic our man here his name is Rafe Biggs he's 43 he lost all feeling below the waist and feared he would

never experience sexual pleasure again but a year later he enjoyed orgasmic sensations when a girlfriend massaged and sucked his thumb. Gross. Rafe, who now regards his thumb as a surrogate penis, said, I felt like this buildup of energies and felt I was getting closer and closer to orgasm. When I did, it was one wave of pleasure after another. It was amazing. I never thought it would be possible.

But massaging and sucking on my thumb feels a lot like my penis used to feel. It's really hot. Really, every handshake with this guy is a little different now, isn't it? Yeah, he's got to wear gloves, right? I think so. Here's a picture of the man. He's a nice gentleman.

Oh, take the earring out, Rafe. Well, for sure. He's 43. It's a different time he comes from. Yeah, man, I don't feel like I trust quadriplegic with nice haircuts, man. That shit bothers me. Yeah. It's bizarre to think about.

Why? He doesn't do it himself. We all got different rules for life. You know what sucks? Not only are you a quadriplegic, we're just not allowed to give you nice haircuts anymore. Yeah, it's one of those bizarre things. It's all mullets for you from here on out. I think it's weird to think about quadriplegics having orgasms, though.

It's a little creepy, a little odd. Why is it creepy? Because nothing. Come. What's wrong with you? If he can't cut his own hair, he can't clean up his own cum. You can't cut your own hair either. Somebody's mopping up after this guy.

But he's not coming, is he? I think he's coming, yeah. He's coming. He's coming buckets. Wait, out of his dick? Waves and waves have come. Out of his thumb. Oh, not out of his thumb.

Phantom coming, yeah. Phantom coming. No, I think it's a real ejaculate. He's spinning out here, right? I don't think it's a real ejaculate. Does he fucking pee out of his thumbs? If he's not coming, then there's no news story. He enjoys it.

Man, you're the toughest editor we've ever had here at the Edmonton Times. He's not coming. It's not being print. But three people are dead. Did they come? No, I'm sorry. Then it's not going in my paper. More coupons for McDonald's.

That's what I like to see. Well, he didn't come, but he has waves of orgasm. But isn't an orgasm, don't you have to come to have an orgasm? No, it's all lies anyway. It's his fucking thumb. You touch your thumb and get off? No, nobody does. He's just lying to himself.

He's a cripple. Let him have something. No, I know. We're giving it to him. I mean, is it because he can't feel anything else in his body? It's sort of like when you go blind and you can hear very well. No, he can feel from the waist up. He just can't feel anything else in his body. It's sort of like when you go blind and you can hear very well. No, he can feel from the waist up. He just can't move.

Then why isn't she sucking on his nipples and shit? Yeah, why not? This man has a thumb fetish. Yeah. You can't just hide behind your paraplegism and pretend as if your thumb fetish isn't disgusting. I'm thinking he probably broke his own back so he could get his thumb on.

Yeah. Good boy, Holden. Go to this guy's house. see if he really is crippled. Pick him up a little bit, shake him around. Shake him a bunch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Well, that's good.

So I wonder how his girlfriend feels about this. Is it nicer? Jackie, as a lady, would you rather give fellatio to a person's thumb than their dick if they really want to get off? I guess it's not quite as messy or dirty. Well, see, if he's crippled, I want nothing to do with him sexually at all. But let's just say you're not a terribly mean person. You're being paid to nurse him.

You're being paid. And you can stroke his cock or stroke his thumb. If I'm nursing him, then he could try and suck milk out of my dry as fuck tit. You're there for him, though. Yeah, but he'll love that. He'll fucking love that. He'll suck and he'll suck and maybe get some milk. What?

I would like Well it does sound pretty good When you sell it like that Yeah I feel like bitches Got a little aroused When you move on Oh my god My thumb is just coming Everywhere around this room

This is great Nice and milky So this man's living The American dream huh? Yeah he's from Oakland Oh good for him I'm just surprised It's not the middle finger

Because that's usually What they use to replace a dick They usually use Your middle finger Because it's not the middle finger, because that's usually what they use to replace a dick. They usually use your middle finger because it's the only finger that can actually pop up like an erect dick. But they removed the nail. Watch this. Bam! Oh!

Eddie just... That was your ring finger. It was so short. Wow, it's so short, but it's so big. You are going to blow a Jewish jeweler's mind when he sees that and finds out he has to strap a piece of gold around it. Someone ask your girl to marry me. Yeah. Goddamn, that's gross, man. You think it looks like a Vienna sausage?

That's what I'm saying. U.S. currency is going to take a dip out of the amount of gold that's going to have to be used to fill that fucking room. Don't eat my fingers. It's huge. It's huge. That's what Rafe keeps saying. Rafe. Rafe man. Oh, huge. That's what Rafe keeps saying. Rafe. Rafe man.

Oh, sorry. You got crippled. Buddy's showing up for football on Sunday, not knowing the news. Oh, my goodness. So if you come from your thumb, like, does a normal transaction at the bank? This guy's not coming. But he is coming. I mean, does he orgasm everywhere?

He's happier than he was before. It's a bullshit news story. This guy just is craving attention. Alright, well then let's move on. I mean, I don't feel like That's the worst thing we've said in a while. Well, we don't know if he's really crippled yet. You know what? I'm taking the opposite

stance. I think he's just doing this to appease his girlfriend to make her stick around because it's like, oh, I can still come, baby. Anything. Just say anything to make her not leave. Exactly. So he's like, yeah, I still get off by you. Mindy, does that make a girl stay?

If you're with a man and he never comes with you, that would be a turnoff? Or would you just be like, oh, this is fine. It's almost a better relationship. I'm always clean. I don't know. I would definitely think he was fucking somebody else. Or gay. This guy certainly isn't.

Yeah, or gay. Or gay cripple. Or this is the greatest shield of all time for an affair, when he's with his girlfriend. Stop that bet! What's wrong with you two? A gay cripple? Come on, it's Monday night. Can we not?

If your girlfriend thinks you're a paraplegic and you're not an actual paraplegic, you can fuck all over town and then just get right back in the cast when you get home. That's a brilliant idea. Why don't you try that? No, no, no. She's going to shake you at some point. She'll figure it out. I would do it while you slept. I would really make sure you're a fucking cripple.

What's the point, though? Because you have to act like a cripple every time you're around her. And you're only getting the thumb thing from her. He loves it. So why can't you just not be with her? I mean, these are questions you're going to have to ask the man who was obviously cheating on his girlfriend and pretending to be a paraplegic. Rape man.

I don't know. I mean, I'm not making this stuff up over here. Those facts, you know, they've been recorded. All right, let's do another story. Officers arrested a man in Chinatown in Seattle Friday after he fired a flare gun at another man and then tried to attack him with a machete. Around 8.15 p.m. Friday,

a bus tunnel security guard flagged down officer Dick Bonesteel. Yeah! Greatest name ever. We can move on, right? That's the only reason why you're here. That's the only reason why you That's the only reason why. Dick Bone Steel. Yeah, the story is Dick Bone Steel.

Officer Dick Bone Steel. I love it. Great. That's not true. I just want to go to the cover. I feel like every day he turns to his buddies in the showers at the police station. He's like, you know, I'm thinking about becoming a superhero. My name is Dick Bone Steel.

Get out of there, terrible rapist. I feel like this is liberal parenting. They're like, so what do you want your last name to be, seven-year-old? Bone steel. Okay. After breaking up the brawl between two men fighting in the middle of the road near 6th Avenue and King Street, Officer Bone Steel noticed one of the men. The suspect had a bottle of whiskey and a machete tucked in his pants.

Officer Bone Steel quickly took the suspect's machete and handcuffed him. Officers also recovered a flare gun nearby. At the scene, the victim told officers he was walking north on King Street when the suspect walked up behind him and, without saying a word, fired a flare gun at the back of the victim's head. I mean, you've got to see that coming. You know, I've actually left the house with a machete and a bottle of whiskey in my pants.

Oh, yeah? Good thing there was no officer bone steel in your neighborhood. It would have been busted immediately. So the guy with the flare gun accosted the guy with the machete and the bottle of whiskey. No, no, no. The guy with the flare gun had the machete and the bottle of whiskey. So he had a machete,

a flare gun, and a bottle of whiskey. That's a full load. That's so Chinatown. Am I right? Dude, Chinatown in Seattle is fucking weird. God knows what it's like. Yeah, yeah. I went there a few years ago.

It just has an odd feeling about it. There's homeless people everywhere, and they're very aggressive. And it fucking stinks of fish. It smells so bad. God, man. Chinatown's so fucking gross. I was down there today. You can get some good skills in Chinatown, though. How'd you do Western Chinatown, though? It's so fucking close. God, man. Chinatown's so fucking gross. You can get some good skills in Chinatown, though.

How'd you do Western Chinatown, though? It's so fucking close. Oh, boy. It's not bad. Anyway, this was more about bone steel. This is more about dick bone steel than it is about Chinatown. Real quick, though, man. I feel like we moved too quick.

You left the house with a bottle of whiskey and a machete. What was your plan? I left one of my buddies' house. You lived in Chinatown. It was Ed Thursday. What was your plan? That's a good question. I went to my buddy's house. We lived in Chinatown. It was Ed Thursday. It was in Tallahassee. All these things do not make it work. I wish we were going to go drink and I was bringing his machete back to him. Oh, okay.

A logical reason to do that. And so what was the original reason for obtaining the machete? It was for the chopping pit. For the chopping pig? Every Fourth of July, I would get a bunch of... Because my friends are very violent. My old friends from back in Tallahassee.

And they used to always break my furniture every time I had a party. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I used to break people's furniture all the time. That's normal. As a natural deflection of that, we had a thrift store across the street from my house. And one year on Fourth of July, I just bought a bunch of $10 furniture pieces and I put

an ax and a machete and a sledgehammer next to it in the backyard and I just let him beat the fuck out of it and then we burnt it. It's sort of like that mid-level thing that you can do in Street Fighter where you just beat up the car. It was an amazing party. Yeah, no, it sounds like a great party. We used to trash stuff all the time. Four kegs full, like, thousand dollars on fireworks.

Oh, yeah. All American music all day. I mean, no place to sit, but that's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Furniture's all destroyed. You can sit on the ground. Yeah, exactly. There's so much ground.

There's a whole earth, you know? That's how positive you are, Eddie. You know, the whole earth is your bench. That's great. That sounds like a great party. Did y'all ever play Bottle Rocket Wars? Yeah. We used to do Roman Candle Wars. Yeah. We used to get

four Roman Candles per person, and that year was the biggest one we ever had. It was 20 people, and my buddy had just gotten back from Iraq. Oh, he was good. And he destroyed all of us. He was like, he murdered all of us. How did he do it? Did he do it like Rambo or like a crying...

I was hitting my buddy, Velitsky, and then all of a sudden, out of these bushes I didn't even know existed, I just get hit in the face with a roaming candle. That's great. You hit the ground, and I hit the ground, he's like hitting my feet and hitting me while I'm on the ground. Did you feel terrifying?

Oh, yeah. I was on mushrooms, too. Holy Lord, I didn't know you did that too And that was the closest thing you've done A bend to war I mean, no He's much different than I am Did he have the PTSD? I believe so Slightly, not as bad as most people

Not a good guy to play Roman Candle Wars with? Oh yeah, no, no, no, he won Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wouldn't lose. He had to. He would not lose that fight. But that's funny because I think, like, you know, the PTSD, I mean, a lot of that shit affects people differently.

I remember there was this one kid who, from my school, he went to Iraq, and he had, like, a completely different experience. Like, a lot of it was, like, a jarhead type experience where he wasn't really doing anything. Yeah. And we asked him, like, so how was Iraq? The first thing he said is like, oh, man, great sandwiches. My cousin said the same thing. He was like, yeah, there was this guy that, you know, made sandwiches for us every day. He's like, well, I mean, he did get beheaded for talking to us.

But before that, the sandwiches were awesome. That's amazing. Yeah. Yeah, 2005 was a, the sandwiches were awesome. That's amazing. Yeah, 2005 was a real bad year in Iraq. So it wasn't an American dude making the sandwiches? No. That's a ballsy fucking move.

He's making money. He's an entrepreneur. He's a hero. All he had to say at first was, oh man, it was so good, man. So much fucking meat, man. So much meat. That's incredible. You don't hear those tales of war. CNN used to run a real fucking story about what the Iraq war was all about. Yeah, like's incredible. You don't hear those tales of war. CNN used to run a real fucking story about what the Iraq war was all about.

Yeah, like MASH. Yeah, exactly. Great sandwiches and good medical care. And very attractive ladies. Oh, I don't know about that. I don't think that's true. Oh, Middle Eastern gals? Yeah, they're gorgeous.

I mean, it depends. The soldiers. Yeah. I don't know. My girl's half Middle Eastern. She's half everything. She is half everything. It's pretty bizarre.

But I don't think they look good while they're there. They got to come to America first. They got all types of sand on them. Yeah, you got to give her a good scrubbing first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys ever watch any Arab porn? No. It's great. Does it exist? Yes. Those are heroes. They, yeah, yeah. You guys ever watch any Arab porn? No. It's great.

Does it exist? Yes. Those are heroes. They will die for that. Well, some of them, a lot of them are women who are still wearing the, what do you call it?

The hijab? The hijab. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they're sucking dicks? It's a whole genre of porn. So they're not showing their hair out of respect for Muhammad,

but they're sucking a cock. Oh, they're not sucking a cock. Their mouth is, absolutely, it's still covered. And that's a fetish thing. They're just taking it in the butt. That's not a fetish thing. And they're sucking a cock. Oh, they're not sucking a cock. Their mouth is absolutely still covered. They're just taking it in the butt. That's not a respect. They're taking it in the butt. I never heard of such a point. You know, it's great.

You can never find out who it is. Thank God. You know, I want him to stay alive for the next three months. That's very good. Well, we're going to go from Chinatown to China. Oh, no. Maybe this will work out. What do we got?

Sounds worse. Harder to leave. Chinese workers have covered a giant steel bridge with butter because officials are fed up with traffic jams caused by people who slow down to watch suicide victims leaping to their death. That's China. China. This story is amazing.

Government officials in Guangzhou in South China ordered workers to smear butter on all the climbable services of the 1,000 foot long steel bridge. Government spokesman Shu Liang said, and by the way, I know this is real. I checked out some, like,

here's just an example of one of the other... I just had no idea there was butter in China. Yeah. There's butter everywhere. More like a soy sauce, olive oil type deal. Any place that has animals that can be milked, they got some butter. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, and one of the other...

What kind of animals that can be milked? What do they got? Goats. Goats. Yeah. They got all that shit. They got everything. And a special kind of fish that has udders.

A fish. Yeah. The udder fish. Yeah, one of the other... Fish milk. Yeah. That's your nickname. fish that has udders. A fish, yeah. The udder fish. Yeah, one of the other... Fish milk. Yeah. That's your nickname. Fish milk's amazing.

Fish milk is the grossest thing I've ever heard. I don't want to ever taste fish milk. Oh, man. This is my boy, Fish Milk. Hey, Fish Milk, I stole your fucking girlfriend. We all need to hear it. We got some purple stuff, some cola, some Sunny D. Oh, some fish milk.

This is fucking sweet. One of the other stories on this website, just to test its authenticity, Guangdong Hydropower wins 1.3 billion yuan of projects. All right, very good. So there's a bunch of suicides going on in this bridge. Here's a quote from government spokesman Xu Liang. He said, We tried employing guards at both ends, but that didn't work, and we put up special

fences and notices asking people not to commit suicide there. None of it worked, and so now we have put butter over the bridge, and it has worked very well. Nobody can get up there, and anybody who tries falls. They buttered the bridge! They fall anyway!

They're there to jump! They're just spraying their ankle. That's the difference. Does rain not wash it away at some point? Do they have to keep re-buttering it? I think it's now part of the municipal worker's job as to, well, it's Tuesday, gotta go butter the bridge. I think this is butter duty.

Do you want butter duty or not want butter duty? It sounds like kind of a fun job. I don't know. You probably just melt it down and then spray it with some sort of high-pressure hose. Yeah, like how Eddie eats. Yeah. I mean, should we do this for the Golden Gate? Is this where we're at right now?

I think it is. I think America should have a butter solution. Butter that fucking bridge then, baby. Let's do it. The San Francisco Bridge. Imagine how many fucking homeless people are out there just licking the shit out of that bridge. So many rats. Gotta eat!

Yeah, you do. But they weren't trying to prevent the suicides. They were trying to prevent the people from watching the suicides. They didn't give a shit about the suicides. Here's what they said. Each time somebody threatens to commit suicide to get media attention or sympathy over personal problems, we end up with several hours of tailbacks, and there were a lot of complaints. Since we put up the butter, there have been no problems with these attention seekers.

You can just, like, judge attention seekers. Let's give them some freedom. You know, let them have a different job than their father. That might make them happy. They have too many people. These people, they don't care if they commit suicide. They just don't want them doing it on this fucking bridge. Why don't they just have gas chambers and people sign up for them?

It's an idea. That's a good idea. Why not? They obviously don't give a shit. It's at least definitely not cost effective to do that type of shit. It's just bizarre. When somebody kills themselves here, that's very sad. What was reaction, like, when somebody kills themselves here, we're like, that's very sad,

what was going on in his life? And in China, they're like, cocky. Egomaniac. That guy. Unbelievable ego on that asshole.

That is such an insane reaction to somebody jumping off a bridge. Mm-hmm. Although in that, you mentioned the Golden Gate Bridge, there was a couple of different people. The name of the show

is The Bridge, the documentary series. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, it's great. It's amazing. There was one guy who definitely committed suicide, like a real cocky bastard, the fellow who sprung

out of his arms like he was Jesus Christ and fell in like he was being crucified. Eh, let him do it. I mean, yeah, it's just final moments, but he was pretty cocky

about his suicide. I mean, he sucks. Be humble when you go. He's a shitty dude. He was a shitty dude. Yeah. That was the one thing about that documentary.

Everybody that he interviewed that died, I was like, yeah, I kind of see why. There was a lot of parents who were like, she was a problem. We didn't know what to do with her. But they weren't crying or anything. They were almost relieved.

So maybe we should... I'm serious. That's the documentary. So this podcast is a reverse PSA. That's what it is. Butter that bridge. Well, I got a story that's... Non-suicide? Non-suicide and, in fact, a little inspiring.

This one's for you. I'll show you. We have some inspiring stories on here. A Florida man saved his six-year-old son on Friday by punching an alligator into submission after the beast clamped onto the child's right arm. Oh, yeah. You gotta hit him in the back of the head by the neck.

Oh, yeah? Yeah, that's where the brain lives. That's where they teach the ad. And it won't go on lockjaw to release. It goes unconscious. If you punch its brain. If you punch it hard enough, it'll die, actually. Oh, yeah.

Well, you punch anything hard enough, it'll die. But the brain's so tiny. When they say submission, I just picture it like tapping out like a UFC fighter with its little claw. Just like hitting the fucking mat. Did it rip the kid's arm off? No. Not only does little Joey Welch still have his arm, it's almost completely unharmed.

Oh, that's fantastic. He's a hero father. Wait, where did this happen? This is in Florida, Boynton Beach. Oh, that's right. Boynton Beach. Yeah, that's right. Mindy, did your dad ever do anything heroic for you growing up

when some people were rude to you or mean to you? Yes, he did lots of times, but the thing that this makes me think of is this is a complete true story. One Sunday morning, my mom and I were on our way to church, and this snake crosses our path because we had a large yard that had a lot of garden vegetables and stuff like that in it. Mom, in her Sunday best, went, found the axe, chopped off the head, threw the axe back down, got in the car, and drove us to church. Wow.

She just killed the snake. That's good. If she was in the garden with Adam, we would not be in this mess right now. She would have killed that fucking snake. I'll tell you that much. I mean, it was like, honey, just real quick, just stay right here in the car and let me do it. Yeah, it was wonderful.

That's awesome. Do you think you could do that? I mean, I don't know because my mother grew up on a farm and so that was just second nature to her and I was a suburb kid and went roller skating. Right. And you were in a car. You were and went roller skating. Right. And you were in a car.

You were safe from the snake. Yeah. It wasn't me out there doing combat. What type of snake? Was it like a... I think it was just like a garden variety snake, but I mean, it was large enough that she was like, you know what? Let me take care of this real quick.

That's fucking great. My dad used to be killing up all types of snakes, man. Yeah. I didn't like that, man, because the snakes was running around looking cool as fuck.

Yep. And I see my dad out there in a machete being all Jamaican chopping these snakes up. Yeah, he couldn't help it. You weren't all upset when you were eating

dinner that night. Snake and macaroni and cheese. Nice and chewy, man. It's not bad. That's good. You can jerk anything, man. You can jerk and curry anything. That ain't got meat.

What? You can't jerk and curry together. What is jerking? Even the thumb. It's the seasoning, man. I know it sounds weird, but delicious. Makes a good crust. Oh, yeah.

It's not bad. Yeah, my dad, I was pegged with snowballs on my way home, a fat kid. And I went home, I started crying, and my dad went over to their house. And they were older than me. He really shook them up good. The guy was hiding in the bathroom crying. So that was one nice thing my dad did to me. It was nice that he could use his powers for good.

That's the first nice thing I've ever heard you say. Usually I was the kid crying in the bathroom. But in this situation, he made somebody else very scared. Well, Nazis can be very intimidating. Here's the big guy. He put on the uniform. He goes over. Oh my god.

I've been trying to tell my dad. They live in that Jewish retirement home and everyone calls him a Nazi. And I've been telling him, put on the fucking uniform. I'll tell you one thing, we'll see who's talking next. Because it won't be them. He should wear his Nazi

uniform. It's a retirement home in Fort Lauderdale. A Jewish retirement home. He lost the presidency to a Muslim fellow who doesn't speak English. He was a coup. Yeah, that's it. Of course, because he's the only... Jewish people hate Muslims and Nazis,

but Nazis much more than Muslims. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what a Palestinian does to an Israeli because Hitler still existed. And Israel is beating the shit out of the Palestinians. Yeah. You know, it's like, oh, they're winning. Yeah, my dad needs to grow out some proper facial hair

and start dressing really sharp and just walking around there with some high knees. That's what he needs to do. Faulty towers. That's catching faulty towers. Alright, Marcus. What's going on? Alright, a man wearing a novelty t-shirt with a sexually charged message was arrested

Saturday after refusing a police order to leave a South Carolina park due to the shirt with that phrase on it according to investigators. Michael Miller, 50, was spotted with that phrase on it, according to investigators. Michael Miller, 50, was spotted with a shirt that read, I may not be Mr. Right, but I'll fuck you till he shows up. That's nice. That's cute. Yeah, it's polite.

Yes, Miller was issued a trespass warning from Barnett Park during the Rock the Denim event. Kevin Barnett, Kevin Barnett. Always hate him, man. You're telling me in South Carolina you can't wear a dirty t-shirt anymore? Well, it was a yearly concert that is devoted to raising awareness of sexual violence against women. But it's not a mean show. He will fuck her until Mr. Wright shows up and then cordially be like, oh no, she is a cop.

It's just an offer. Exactly. It's just too bad Mr. Wright's a cop. Yeah, that's true. He's like a seat filler for the Oscars. He's like, as Mr. Wright's a cop. Yeah, that's true. He's like a seat filler for the Oscars. He's like, as soon as the star gets back here, I'll get out. Don't worry about it. This guy is fine.

Yeah, when cops approached Miller and told him that he was not allowed to wear the shirt in the park, he reportedly became irate and said he would wear the shirt any fucking where he wanted to. That's the issue. That's the problem. That's a very South Carolina thing to say. Absolutely. There are animals down there. But who's getting offended by this shirt?

You see a guy... I'd imagine it would be people who go to a concert raising awareness of sexual violence against women. Get over it. He's not choking them until Mr. Right comes along. He is having sweet, tender love with them. Every woman needs to be held. Someone saw it and they're just like

Man, you can't wear that in here What's wrong with you? I mean, they could have just done the high school thing And be like, turn it inside out That would have worked well They would have just turned it right back out You can't trust this fucking douchebag Yeah, look, I mean, look at this

Does this look like the type of guy Who is gonna turn it inside out? That's a, okay, first of all He just got that shirt He's a black dude Okay, I do want to say That's a... Okay, first of all, he just got that shirt. He's a race assumption. He's a black dude. Fuck that. Okay, I do want to say... He's a dirty looking dude.

He's black and he looks kind of Chinese. That's all I'm saying. That's terrible. He does not look Chinese. Am I just seeing it? Am I just seeing it? That's just what you're seeing.

If he did look like the model that's wearing the shirt on the advertisement for the shirt, a white little skinny college kid, he wouldn't have been kicked out of that concert. Yes, he would have. No, he wouldn't have.

Yes, he would have. You do not let that fucking piece of shit in that concert. He's just wearing a funny shirt that he bought at a store for a dollar. It's a funny shirt. Wear it in a GWAR concert. No, man, he's not going to GWAR concerts. He should be. He's a piece of shit. Hey, hey. He's not going to GWAR concerts. He should be.

He's a piece of shit. Hey, hey. What's wrong with you, Eddie? I was fine with it. Don't you besmirch GWAR in this room, sir. I am not besmirching GWAR. Where do we stop? I like GWAR. He wasn't actually fucking a chick until her boyfriend showed up.

He was just wearing a shirt that had a couple of words on it. Look at it and look away and forget about it. I don't think this guy should have gotten in any trouble at all. It was disorderly conduct that he was arrested for and he was released Saturday evening on $262 bail. It was all the money he had. Oh, no doubt

about that. He whittled them down to that price. It was supposed to be $500. They're like, alright, what do you got? $262, then that's the fine. He paid for $64 and500. They're like, alright, what do you got? $162, then that's the fine. He paid for $64 and change. Yeah, yeah, of course. I got a couple of socks full of change here in my back pocket. I usually use them for robbing

people, but for you guys, I'll just... You know he bought that shirt just for that concert. Oh, I'm gonna get out there. I'm gonna crush so much puss with this shirt. He borrowed it at Spencer's for $19.99. Is a concert, a domestic violence concert, an anti-domestic violence concert,

is that a good place to go pick up ladies? Or is that the hardest place of all time to get ladies? I think it's just a stupid thing to have. I mean, the music's going to be bad. Are you okay, Jax? Oh, yeah. My face kind of exploded in allergies for the moment. Holy.

Oh, wow, what happened? That was fast. I just sneezed about ten times in a row. Oh yeah, we saw that, are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. You're all different now, your voice is different. You go fuck. You go fuck yourselves, you go fuck yourselves.

Are you doing alright? Yeah, rape concert, stupid. Man, I'll tell you, I'm just concerned about the round table this week. Everyone's getting sick. Not good. I'm going to say it would be easy to pick up a girl, but not to go home and smash. You pick up a girlfriend. Let me give you guys the lineup of the Rock the Denim concert.

Rock the Denim concert. That's what it was called. It was called Rock the Denim. Right off your pants, right? Take the pants off. Isn't that what it means? Yeah, Rock the Denim concert. That's what it was called. It was called Rock the Denim. Right off your pants, right? Take the pants off. Isn't that what it means? Yeah, yeah. Rock the Denim. What? There's like a thing with the denim in the movement. Yeah. There is something. It's something.

Here's the musical acts. J.J. Day. I don't know who that is. One Love. Oh, I know One Love. The Waresville Project. Where is it? Sound Medicine. No. That's the worst.

Sound Medicine is the worst band name I've ever heard in my life. It's a terrible name. It just doesn't sound good coming off the top of my head. Sound Medicine. Sounds like NyQuil. That is Sound Medicine. Puts you right to sleep if you have a cold. The Consumers.

What? They're just wearing all Walmart gear, sitting on sweet fucking Greenfield Excursion. Okay. Sounds like a car. Jesus. And the Children's Corner will be open from 3 p.m. to 7 p.m. Oh, wear the shirt. I'm sorry.

Thank you, Ed. You broke me down, sir. That is a festival for bands with terrible names. That guy's the only thing that's going to be remembered. How don't you get great bands for the concert that's benefiting women not getting beat? You would think any band would be like, yeah, I'll just do that one. That's fine. Seems like a good draw.

Yeah, but they weren't getting paid. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? You heard about those bands, Mindy? You look disgusted by the names of them. J.J. Day. Marcus, can you find any of their music?

Well, I found a picture of J.J. Day. Let's see him. Yeah, please. Marcus, can you find any of their music? Well, I found a picture of JJ Day. Let's see him. Yeah, please. Oh, wow. That's what I thought he would look like. That is a really good Instagram. That's got all of it. All right.

So overall, you guys all agree that this man should have been arrested for his funny, funny T-shirt? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not arrested. Disorderly conduct. He was trying to get into it with the cops. That's why he got arrested. They should have just ripped the shirt off him and beat him in the street.

There was that NRA kid scene. That's my punishment. Actually, now I think about it, man. I have that shirt. Somebody gave me that shirt, man. Really? Why don't you wear it? We're not going to the concert. Really? Yeah, a couple years ago. Why don't you wear it?

We're not going to the concert. Next year, we're going to go. Let's go. I'm down. I actually have that shirt. I really just hope I cancel that concert. Just in general. I want to show you guys a picture of sound medicine.

All right. Let's see who sound medicine is. Oh, a couple of sound medicine. Let's see who sound medicine is. A couple of nerdy whites. Get back to Google and make your 100k a year at the tech biz. That's terrible. What is he wearing? Some Cyclops sunglasses.

We should describe two men, one on a keyboard, another on a bass guitar. It's a regular guitar. You're a musician. How do you not know that? It's hard for me to see the picture. Do we have four knobs on the top or are there six? That's how I know. They're both wearing far more offensive shirts than the shirt that that dude is wearing. Those were disgusting.

Very white. Very white. Yeah, it's not even an offensive shirt. The guy went out there trying to make people smile. Yeah. You know, all he wanted to do was tell a little joke on his t-shirt. Either way. All right.

Well, let's move on. Fuck sound medicine. Yeah, I think you let's move on. Fuck sound medicine. Yeah, I think you can agree with that. Fuck sound medicine. Well, police in one western Pennsylvania town are investigating a case of bar kill. A groundhog and a grouse, both dead, were tossed into a tavern by unsatisfied customers. Brookville Police Chief Ken Dworak tells the Associated Press that the suspects are an underage man who has refused service at the bar and another who was turned away because of an alcohol problem.

The chief says such use of animals is a fairly common problem in Brookville. He says, for example, quote, a guy will get in an argument and put a dead squirrel on his girlfriend's doorknob, that kind of thing. Does this happen a lot where you grew up, Mindy? No. No? I once threw a frog at my best friend's, when my best friend's girlfriend dumped him, I once threw a frog at her window. Yeah, did it

break the window? No, no, no, it broke the frog. Yeah, I heard the frog. Frog was not happy about that breakup. That's for sure. I heard something once about tuna fish under somebody's hood in their car. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Sounds good.

And then that will stink. Yeah, that's a good sneaky one. They don't see it for a couple days. Can never be sure it was you who did it. I mean, what's your reaction, Mindy? You go to your house. You broke up with a fella. Next thing you know, there's a dead squirrel in your doorknob. What do you do with that thing?

Yeah, I would call the police. You would? Yeah, and just let somebody else handle that. That's ridiculous. I mean, it's a normal thing. I remember I was mad at my old lady one time, so I killed a guy and stuffed him in the floorboards of her fucking apartment. The Dahmer approach.

I like that. She learned. She did learn. Did she get back together with you? Oh, Lord, no. No, no. She got taken to prison for killing a guy. The perfect frame job. Exactly.

That's amazing. This seems like something you would do, Ed. What? I feel like you would kill a marmot. I would never kill a mammal. You would never kill a mammal. Well, I'd kill a mouse or a rat. Yeah, to get back at a lady throwing her under their bed or something like that.

I would throw a rat at her. It's kind of ridiculous. You'd throw a pigeon at her, though, definitely. I mean, yeah. I'd definitely kill a pigeon. You would? Yeah, yeah. I would, like, rip its heart out. If you got broken up with? Rip its heart out? Yeah, why not? I'd definitely kill a pigeon. You would? Yeah, yeah. I would, like, rip its heart out.

If you got broken up with? Rip its heart out? Yeah, why not? I'd go for the wings. Oh, that's boring. What do you mean? Why don't I put my hand inside of a pigeon? Uh-huh.

Not sexually. With your mouth or the butt? Yeah. Because the way you said it, it sounded very sexual. Sounds like you've done it before. Well, I mean, potato, potato. Yeah, you fuck a pigeon. You fuck a pigeon.

What happened to you? You didn't use that phrase right at all. No, I think a little bit. What phrase? Fuck a pigeon? No, the potato. Well, I don't think that's that bad, though. It's a fine way to get back at somebody.

He didn't hurt her or anything like that. You know, a dead squirrel. It sent a message. It's a white trash horse in the head. A horse head in the bed. You know, it's a poor man's horse head in the bed. I mean, this is a fairly common problem in this town. Right.

Because the squirrel on the girlfriend's doorknob, that was a completely different incident from the dudes throwing a groundhog and a bird into a bar. Man, how do you fit a squirrel on a doorknob? Yeah, you gotta be... You wrap it around. You wrap the tail around the doorknob and tie a knot in it. Is that what you did?

You've done this. No. By the facial expression, you've done this a couple of times. I think they would just open up with the butts and then put it in there like that, sort of anally. Sort of more of an anal type situation. That's what I was picturing. I don't think it's asshole is that big. No, I mean, you've got to stretch it.

No one's asshole is really one. Oh, you've got to stretch it. Yeah, you've got to stretch it. I think they're doing it all wrong. Wouldn't it be better to just throw a live squirrel at her? Yeah, absolutely. Squirrel just running all on her breast. I think that's great.

That's a funny image. A live squirrel is so much more terrifying than a dead squirrel. Yeah. Drop some snakes into the house. The snake's living around. Squirrels are on her titties. She don't know what to do. That's great. Animal control. It's living around. Squirrels are on the titties. She don't know what to do. That's right.

Animal control. It's like the squirrels only on her titties. Like it's nowhere else. Let me tell you something about squirrels. They love titties. They need titties. It's a nice little nesting area. I mean, you're going to guess where the nuts are.

In the titties. Titties. Yeah, that's very true. I feel like that's, you know, you can't just be killing squirrels. It's a waste of a squirrel, man. It's sad. Squirrels. Can you waste squirrels? Yes like you can't just be killing squirrels. It's a waste of a squirrel, man. It's sad. Can you waste squirrels? You can waste squirrels.

Just think about it. You throw this live squirrel at her. It's all over her titties. It's very uncomfortable. But then that squirrel can leave her house and bring cheer to a child on another date. That's right. A rainy day. Wow.

Squirrels bite children. No, no, no. They don't bite children. This is the ultimate revenge, though, because you have to take a squirrel. Once the squirrel gets accustomed to a front yard or a pair of titties, you literally have to drive. If you want to keep it living and get rid of it, you have to drive it about 20 miles away from wherever it's found its home to get it so it won't be able to get back to

it because they have homing devices and shit. That's a lifelong revenge right there. Oh, yeah. That's very true. That's very true. Indeed. But let's not forget Sneezy the squirrel. Who's Sneezy? Oh my god, I forgot about Sneezy from the live episode.

We covered Sneezy from the live episode. Remember there was that weird little girl who was at West Virginia or at Virginia Tech and she made little hats for the squirrel. That's right. Sneezy was the cutest. You don't remember that? I remember that freak. You were there. Was I there? Yeah, you were definitely there. That's right. And they made Bryce. He was the cutest. You don't remember that? I might have missed it.

You were there. Was I there? Yeah, you were definitely there. I mean, not mentally. Physically, you were there. Is nobody else afraid of rabies? Oh, no. There's just like an awful lot of talk about handling squirrels,

throwing them, driving them 20 miles. I just can't believe the rest of us are like down and you're not. I feel like leaving him alone. Your brother hacked off the head of a snake. Rabies is a lot of shots. I mean, that's like. You could die. You could get that big long one in your stomach.

That's not good. You could put a long one in your stomach. I just feel like let's remember that when we're talking about revenge. It's like a six-inch needle. But I don't think that squirrels get rabies. Squirrels are cute. Squirrels are great. They get rabies.

Oh, yeah, they do. Squirrels get rabies. Squirrels are cute. Squirrels are great. They get rabies. Oh, yeah, they do. Squirrels get rabies more than like any other animal. How? And porcupines. All they do is try to fend for themselves and take all the nuts and things like that. Man. All right. Well, let's move on.

All right. A father and son in Memphis, Tennessee pointed an AK-47 machine gun at a fast food cashier who gave them the wrong order. An angry Antonius Hart Sr. and Antonius Hart Jr. returned to Purtle's Chicken in Memphis after realizing they hadn't been... That sounds like a great chicken place.

Of course it was Memphis. After realizing they hadn't been given the chicken wings they ordered, the cashier offered to replace the missing pieces, but the pair wanted more, demanding extra chicken pieces due to them having to drive back to the restaurant. When they refused, Antonius Hart Sr. allegedly revealed the AK-47 he had brought with him. Another restaurant worker spied the gun and contacted police.

Cops recovered the weapon and 24 live rounds of ammo before charging Hart Sr. with aggravated assault and his 19-year-old son with facilitation of a felony. So they just showed him the gun. They didn't just shoot the gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they get the chicken? No!

I would have just given them the chicken before they even showed the gun. Definitely. Like, you want more chicken? Have more chicken. It's fucking Purtle's chicken. It's Purtle's chicken. Oh, man, you gotta fucking put your foot down. You can't let these people take whatever they want. What?

It's Tennessee. You can't trust them. I mean, it's just a couple of pieces of chicken, you know? They're just going to throw away all the extra chicken anyway. Fuck that. They're going to start they're going to go home and they're going to tell all their friends next thing you know, you're giving chicken away to everybody. I mean, come on. Fellow customer

Tanya McGraw admitted the men's actions were crazy, but suggested next time they better get them wings right. They better get the wings right. That is true. I agree with that. Good sentiment. Mindy, have you been to Memphis quite often?

You had a nice facial reaction when the name of the city was mentioned there. No, I have not been there a lot, but I do have a friend who at one time worked as a news camera guy in Memphis. A lot of squirrel stories. A lot of chicken stories.

Yeah, so he used to call me and tell me crazy stories about Memphis. Do you remember any of them? No, not enough. It's a wild southern town, though. It's one of the most dangerous towns in America. Is it? Yeah, very violent, Memphis. More dangerous than Detroit? No., Memphis. More dangerous than Detroit?

No. All right. More dangerous than the Bluff? Don't know the Bluff. Snow in the Bluff. You haven't seen the documentary yet? What city? Oh, man, it's Atlanta.

Oh, Atlanta's fucking tough. Yeah. Memphis is number three. It is aggravating. As far as crime goes. When you order your food and then you go home and you're nearly home and you realize you got the wrong order, it does make you want to take out your AK-47 and shoot everybody in that goddamn fast food restaurant

that got one job to do. I can't believe this guy can afford an AK-47. Well, you don't know his lifestyle, man. That's right. You afforded an AK-47. Yeah, buddy. How much was that? How much did that cost? $250.

That's it? Yeah, well, it was $250. Woo! $250. That's it? Yeah, well, it was on sale. That's why I bought it. It was on sale. I don't think you should be allowed to have those on sale. What? Is that at Walmart? No, no.

I bought it from some random dude in a city outside of Tallahassee. So he was having a sale himself? Yeah, he put it in the classifieds. It's not really a sale. It's on sale. Yeah, he said cheap, cheap AK-47s. It's an illegal purchase of a gun. No, no, no. It was legal. It's on sale. Yeah, he said cheap AK-47s. It's an illegal purchase of a gun.

No, no, no. It was legal. It was registered to me. Yeah. Oh, okay. That's good. But if you got some chicken from your favorite chicken place, you found out you got the wrong order, you wouldn't flash that thing? No, of course not. You just go talk to them.

I mean, they did talk to them. So it's like, why did you have your AK? If you're not going to use it when it's absolutely necessary. Well, I was selling drugs. I already got caught for it. I mean, come on. There was one time you did pull it out when somebody came. The exterminator came in my house.

Exterminator? All right. So what happened was my door was busted because I had to break into it. And I didn't have enough. We couldn't fix the door. I refused to fix it. Why did you refuse to fix it? This is why I'm Henry Zabrowski, one of the shittiest apartments I've ever been in in my entire life.

I refused to fix it because it was the association's fault I didn't have my key. So I was like, I'm not fixing it. I'm going to make them fix it. Right. Did they fix it? Yes, eventually. Okay. But I remember I used to have the stool leaned up against the door.

And I'm like, all right, if the stool falls, that means someone's trying to get in the house. That was like my thing. Redneck security. It's smart. Yeah. And so the stool fell and I woke up. And then I was at the top of the stairs. It's like, who's down there? No the stairs and was like, who's down there?

No answer. I was like, who's down there? No answer. So I grabbed my AK-47 and I was like, who's down there? And then I racked it, you know, and then he's like, pest control. Oh, God. I was like, alright, sorry, man. Go right ahead. Thanks.

Poor guy, man. Like they could keep all of the roaches out of that apartment. There were no roaches. No, you just had a whole bathroom you had to just close off forever. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That'll happen. Because the ceiling fell in.

No, the wall. Oh, the wall fell in. I'm sorry. Eh, you know, whatever. But I sympathize with these people who showed the AK-47. Nothing more frustrating than getting an order wrong. When you're hungry. Well, I'll tell you, one of the guys does look like he regretted

the crime. The guy on the left there? They both look like they regretted the crime. These guys are so close together. That's what we call them. Is it fetal alcohol syndrome that's close together or is that them being far apart? Big forehead. Like a goat person.

Right. Just aggravated. Like Holden. Yes. Yes, of course. But we don't Right. Just aggravated. Like Holden. Yes. Very like me. Yes, of course. But we don't talk about that in the McNeely family. Speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, shit. It's the worst thing you could say.

There's music sometimes. Probably not this time, but either way. So we're going to do, it's kind of like the lightning round. Margaret's going to keep store. I will be the host. I'll try to switch it up and start with different people because I know it can be stressful. But Kevin, we're going to start with you on the first one. I'm going to say a thing.

I'm going to say a scenario. And you have to say what's the worst thing off the top of your head, what's the worst thing you can say in that scenario. So make it simple to start. A funeral. Kevin, a funeral. Oh, is it just a funeral? Yeah, any funeral. What's the worst thing you can say during a eulogy at a funeral?

I just shat in my pants. That's true. I killed him. God, congratulations? Jackie. I squirt on it. No. Alright, open casket. You are... Did not know that. I just want to say

I did not know it was an open casket. I could have had that one. He's not going to need that jacket anymore, right? Eddie gets it. Eddie gets it. Alright. Congratulations. I'll give it to Eddie. Ben, we're going to start with you on this one.

I feel like you're going in order. But they can't see I'm going in order. Ben Kissel, I'm starting with you on this one okay um winning an academy award speech winning an academy award was the worst thing uh i would like to thank my grandfather uh oh oh god um let's see No, you know, this has just been so nice that I, you fucking. Mindy. That is pretty bad. Yeah, it's the worst. It's horrible.

It's terrible. I don't really have anything on this because I hate those damn shows so much. How about anything Anne Hathaway did this year? I like Anne's, though. That's the worst thing you can say. I hate anything Anne Hathaway did. Jackie? Oh, I like Anne's, though. That's the worst thing you can say. I hate anything Anne Hathaway did. Uh, Jaggi. I squirt on it.

All right. That's true. That's pretty bad. Ed Larson. This one's for all the spics. That's pretty rough. And Kevin? Uh, fucking...

It's nice, though. It's actually kind of a compliment For a Mexican American film It's a compliment I think that's great Cause they have nothing to do With the film industry Not yet Not quite yet

But we should do it Yeah man These hoes today ain't shit Give it up for the dudes Dick Still pretty bad But Ed gets it Ed's the one

The one to beat over here. I know what not to say. There we go. All right, Mindy, we're going to start with you, and this is going to be your wedding night. Oh. Your wedding night. I'm already sad.

That's great. I'm already sad, yes. Jackie. Don't touch sad. Jackie. Don't touch me. I thought I was going to squirt on it. It was good. It's too much fun.

I squirt on it. It's actually a very great thing to say. God damn it. Your fucking sister looked great tonight. I feel like that's number one. Alright, Kevin. I don't know, man. You better not gain no fucking weight. I don't know, man.

Guess what we got? Put on a couple of pounds. That's actually nice. I can't say anything wrong. One time you're allowed to say the worst thing You can possibly say And you can't say anything bad I love it

I love it I mean you know Dead Three You're just bad at talking Alright This will be the last one. Let's do this.

This will be the last one. You know what? In order to, I mean, make things a little more exciting, I'm going to go ahead and take that first point away from Ed and give it to Mindy. Yes. Congratulations. Yeah. Congratulations.

That goes back to her. Fantastic. So this way, there might be something going on. Absolutely. Some sort of a tie. We'll do two more rounds. Two more rounds. Okay.

Then we all get to go first. Exactly. And Jackie, you get to go first this time. I want to go first. You're going first this time. Let's go with teacher on the first day of class, third grade. I'm wet. I'm a wet girl teacher.

That's good. I would like that, though, if I was a student. Ed Larson. Is this the first day of class? Yeah, you're the teacher, third grade. Okay, so we're just going to keep all the boys in here, and the girls, we're going to all go to the bathroom together.

I dug a hole outside. And the big ones go in the middle, little ones on the sides, and I dug a hole outside. And the big ones go in the middle. Little ones on the sides. And I'm going to get on the jungle gym. And we're going to practice the bathroom.

You're going to be honest. Okay. Well, that's utterly disgusting. I don't need any more. Is that a memory or a joke? This is a bad thing to say. All right, Kevin, what do you got? Welcome class. Who wants to hold a dick?

That's bad. I like it. Ben, Kissel, hope you guys are ready to learn some hardcore geometry because I'm a great geometry teacher. I love children. They're great. They don't know geometry. That's why it's so scary. Good teacher job. Thank you.

Alright, Mindy. This is great I'm going to be able to remember all of your names Because most of you are here from last year They're idiot class Idiot class Dumb class Jackie I already fucking went

She didn't get it right I'm wet I'm a wet girl teacher. I'm wet girl teacher. Marcus. Marcus? I think I'm a wet girl teacher. Okay.

I think so. I think that's I mean Kevin's is pretty bad but I'm a wet girl teacher I think is probably See that could get

in the news. Yeah. I'm a news maker. You're telling me my story's not gonna make the news? Oh it'll make the news. Yeah, I'm a newsmaker. You're telling me my story's not going to make the news? Oh, it'll make the news. The police bought her. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Well, the game is what's the worst thing to say, not what's the worst thing to do. And you did the worst thing to do. I still think I win. Well, I think you were quiet while doing it. Mm-hmm. All right. I'm just playing the game.

Ed, you start the last round. All right. You're representing yourself on trial for a murder. Uh-oh. I'm just playing the game. Ed, you start the last round. You're representing yourself on trial for a murder. These are your closing arguments. Go. He's like a bad dude. And I didn't do it. I would have liked to have done it.

Maybe if I did do it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. This is what happened. I didn't do it. This is what happened. Oh. All right.

Kevin, what do you got? White people ain't shit. Niggas ain't shit. Spanish people ain't shit. Ain't nobody shit. I'm shit, though. Fuck y'all. Did I kill him?

I did kill him. And did I enjoy doing it? Sure I did. But then again, think about how large I am and how difficult it will be for me in prison. And how much I don't want to go. Okay. I wouldn't put you in prison. Thank you. You're on your own by the mercy of the court.

Thank you. I just don't want to go to jail. So if you guys would just not send me there. Just made me sad. My mother loved me as a child. Only then. Not now. That's good.

Yeah. I'd get him in tears. Yeah. I'm kind of, I think I would have said not guilty. No, I'm not guilty. I mean, I killed him. But am I guilty? What is guilt?

Is guilt guilt or am I not guilty? I'm not guilty. Mindy, what do you got? I did it. I regret nothing. Stone cold. That's what I like about that. Jackie.

It's raining, man. Ooh, she's singing. Hallelujah. It's raining, man. She's got that whole quote going crazy. And, Larson, to close this, you started it. I started it. What do we got?

I know. I'm sorry. It's Monday night. We're going to have to do a tiebreaker here. Jackie and Ed. Jackie and Ed. All right. All right.

Jackie and Ed. I'm going to go with fucking got to think of one real fast. Let's go with first date. First thing you say on a first date with someone you're really into. I'm covered in hair. That's not great. Ed Larson.

I'm going to cover you in hair. Oh, my. Excellent round. Well played. Oh, man. Wow. I think I'm going to have to go to you guys for a vote here. Wow.

I mean, really, I would say Jackie's is worse because she is covered in hair. Yes, but the thing is, being a woman, and a dude just say, I'm going to cover you in hair. Yeah, but women like men. All right, we'll just go. Offer Jackie, say aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. Offer Ed, say nay. Doesn't matter. Nay! Fuck you, Eddie. You didn't fucking win, Eddie. I fucking lose again. I came from the depths of hell to win that fucking game.

Jackie Zabrowski and Larsen Holden. Kevin Barnett, thank you. Mindy Tucker,owski and Larsen Holden. Kevin Barnett. Thank you, Peter. Mindy Tucker. Marcus Parks. Yes! I am the worst one! Alright, we'll talk to you soon.