The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 143: Mother-Son Date Knight

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: police arrest a man for turning tricks in a Wal-Mart bathroom, a bear and a donkey get in to a scuffle in Wisconsin, and Chik-Fil-A introduces a particularly disturbing promotion involving sons and mothers. Joining us this week: Carol Hartsell and Sean Crespo!

Cave Comedy Radio is brought to you by AdamandEve.com. Input the code CCR at checkout for discounts. The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. That's right. Oh, fuck! I'm praying today.

There's nothing up there. There's nothing down there. There's nothing in this room right now. So I'm just going to go ahead and say, fuck everything. But I love everything. Everything is in the present. Don't forget about the present. Fuck the past.

Fuck the future. Live in the now. I want our Lord Jesus Christ. Yeah, he can go die. He already did. Whoa, man. That's a terrible prayer, Jackie. Love Jackie.

Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Who's around this roundtable? Well, Jackie Zabrowski. I don't believe in anything. We learned that today. Ed Larson, I believe in Jackie. Wow. That's very nice.

Get out of town, Ed. Holden McNeely, Ed Larson for president. Wow. Very nice. Not really an election season. Is Kevin going to say something nice about Holden? Let's hear it. Not at all what the situation is.

I used to be a religious man, and Holden's existence is what made me question God. I am Ben Kissel. With us in the Chuggo, we've got Neil Constantine. Thanks for being here, Neil. And, of course, we have Carol and Sean Hartzell. Thank you for being here. Oh, very nice. And Sean just got his tacos Sean Hartzell. Thank you for being here. Oh, very nice. Thank you for using our podcast. And Sean just got his tacos delivered right on time.

Yay! Yay! Sean got tacos! Yay! Sean got tacos! Enchiladas. I just got called ignorant for not naming the Mexican food properly. I am sorry.

Enchiladas. I'm my dad's from El Salvador. That was insensitive of you. I am sorry, Sean! Those are the same country. Your dad's from El Salvador, for real? Yeah. You look white as shit.

I know. What happened? Well, You look white as shit. I know. What happened? Well, he married a very white lady from Boston. Wow. Do you know I was in the 2007 NBC diversity contest? Really? What diversity were you? El Salvadorian.

With a lot of very angry tan people. Did they check your passport or your ID to make sure that you were actually El Salvadorian? I did have to prove, I had to prove a purchase, yeah. And what did you do to prove that you were not? I sent them photos of my dad and a couple of, my dad was a Central American rock star for a few years. So I gave them. What was the name of his band?

It was just him. It was just him. Just him is a great name for a band. Juan Crespo. Just him. That would be. Does that mean The Crespo? Juan Crespo.

Yes. That's pretty amazing.? Juan Crespo. Yes. That's pretty amazing. El Juan Crespo. That's great. That's wild, man. And I want to say, on last week's episode, I prayed and I said, oh, please don't fire me from a job. And I got a lot of responses being like, did you get fired? I did not get fired, everybody.

I got hired for another week. I'm writing for this show. Best funerals ever. Another week. So please, thank you for the condolences. I don't like you having money like that. Well, I don't have any money whatsoever. And no ladies will be with you Kevin because they all want to be with me.

Alright. Marcus Parks, you have some news stories for us. What are they? A Palmerston woman is lashed out at the strangers who keep shaving her cat. Cat owner... Cat owner... Cat owner Yvonne Birch has had her feline friend Cleo return home shaved for the second

time in months, and she is not happy about it. Miss Birch said, I wish whoever did this would own up and tell me the problem they have, or just stop shaving my fucking cat. Please don't curse, ma'am. You're live. We're live. It's Birch. I just feel like the people that are shaving Please don't curse, ma'am. You're live. We're live, man.

I just feel like the people that are shaving the cat get the punishment. Can you imagine how fucking hard it is to shave a fucking cat? It's not easy. Yeah, absolutely. My brother used to use that as an insult. I never understood. He'd be like, you probably type dude, shave cats. What does that mean?

I don't know. It sounds perverted. I don't know what it is, but shaving your cat. I guess it sounds like shaving your pussy. does that mean? What? I don't know. It sounds perverted. I don't know what it is, but shaving your cat. I guess it sounds like shaving your pussy. Is that what it is? I wouldn't like the guy who does it, but I appreciate that he exists. It's a funny joke. As far as the terrible things that you could do to a cat, you could string it up, you could

drown it. Shaving is the least. Yeah, at least that requires some work ethic, right? Indeed. I love it. Back in the day, we used to do the flaming bag of poo-poo, and it would be fun to watch the person look at the flaming bag of poo-poo, and they're

upset with their face. Putting a shaved cat on somebody's doorstep just to watch their reaction, that's worth its weight in gold. That's elegant. Yeah, that is the diamond heist. And this is from Australia, by the way. But you know what? It may be like those people who... I didn't know they had razors in Australia. You know the people who put their dog in the truck to, like, train the dog to wait for them when they come out?

Maybe it's a Southern thing. Yeah. But there are people who they'll take their dog and leave a note, like, you shouldn't leave your dog in your truck, and they think they're doing a public service. Maybe the cat has mange or something, and they're just trying to help.

Or fleas or something. And this is like, we love this cat. You're doing a bad job. We're trying to teach you how to care for it. I like that. These are animal lovers. These are animal lovers. These are animal lovers. Do we know that? Well, the gun resident said she was feeding Cleo

on Thursday when she noticed her fur had been left all short and spiky. Quote, she looked different. Her hair had been clipped again. This is... It's not like shaved down to the skin. It's just like they're doing good to the cat. There's just a detective smoking a cigar like, I think we got ourselves an amateur groomer on the loose.

The cat looks completely fine. What did the cat look like before the shave? Do we know the answer to that? I mean, it must have looked worse, because now it looks amazing. We don't know what it looked like beforehand, but she goes on to say, this is just fucking ridiculous.

Why is she swearing so much? Because it's Australia. She's Australian. Oh, I see. I think she's a terrible person and they need to take her cat away from her. Yeah, I like that. Take her feet away while you're at it. Take her feet away?

Taking her feet away? It's quite a jump. Why do you go right there? She's got diabetes, clearly. Get rid of the foot. Type 2 punishment. Ed is the fucking most frightening possible sheriff in the world. Oh, yeah.

Could you imagine? Oh, man. Kind of insane. Sheriff's most apocalyptic sheriff. There is no law, but I am the law. What's your first three orders of business? Get rid of the children. Move them out of town.

Let them fend for themselves until they become... Men. Yeah, I guess. You're just going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want a Neverland. I want my own personal Neverland. Okay.

That means you're going to fuck the kids. I'm not going to fuck the kids. I'm going to hire someone to fuck the kids. Oh, right. Well, Eddie, you're a weird sheriff, and it might get you elected in some districts in America. There is no election, Ben. Oh, I don't know.

Okay, I didn't know this was real now. Oh, I don't know. Okay. I didn't know this was real now. Oh, silk gloves. Child fucking hire. Good God. It's terrifying. Second act. Burn down the church.

Okay. Yeah. Ill-sight. And then make the school into a strip club. Okay. You don't need it anymore. No children. Yeah.

Yeah, but are you going to have enough women left over that are attracted enough to be in a strip club in a post-apocalypse situation? I have never been in a strip club where the women are attractive. Okay. Second of all. Also, they'll have more time on their hands. What are they going to do without the kids around? That's true.

Women have nothing else to do but tend to the children. More time for archery. More time for, you know, whatever. Exactly. The little things. Yeah. Archery. As far as I understand,, whatever. Archery. The little things. Yeah. Archery. As far as I understand, all children do is ruin women's bodies.

That's all they do. That is very, very true. They'll be crushing them. And give them permanent angry face. You're ruining brunch. Give me another mimosa. So what would you do with these? Oh, I guess we already know.

You would cut off the feet of the woman who had her cat shaven. I mean, every time is a different, you know. It's a different. You don't want to be predictable. There's no mandatory minimums or, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, Ed, how would you feel if you woke up in the morning and someone had gone in the night and finally trimmed your beard?

Ooh. That's fine. Yeah, right? That's nice, right? Yeah, I don't care. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, it would save me time. Yeah. Would it creep you out? Absolutely not, because you have a nicely trimmed beard. So, fine. Yeah, right. That's nice, right? I don't care, yeah. Personal. Exactly. Yeah, I mean, it would save me time.

Yeah, would it creep you out? Absolutely not, because you have a nicely trimmed beard. So, go, this is nice. Yeah, what if they gave you a handjob in the middle of the night? I wouldn't even know. It's nighttime activity. Ambien works. So, where do they find these kids doing it?

I assume it's kids, right? It has to be. She says that she would... Miss Birch said she would do what she could to stop Cleo roaming around at night, but the adventurous pet loved to jump the fence. She doesn't roam far, she says. It's only within a five-house radius.

We're all pretty good neighbors. What if the cat's just going to a cute cat barber shop and she hangs out with the other cats and smokes cigars and things like that? It's possible. She did everything she could to stop the cat. Did she shut the door? It's cigars and things like that. It's possible. She did everything she could to stop the cat. Did she shut the door? It's an idea.

How about that? I don't think she has an actual house. We're talking about Australia. Oh, that's true. It's just a sandlot. It's in the outback. Not even mud. They can't afford the water.

She does say she's looking to put a GPS on the cat's collar to see where it goes. Put the cat inside. What is wrong with her? You know that's literally like taping an iPhone to the cat, right? That's the GPS. Taking some leaps there. Yeah, shut the door before you go with GPS technology to stop this cat from being shaved. My cat keeps going walkabout.

I've got to stop him somehow. GPS. Maybe she should get a husband. That would be a good idea. That's sad. Why you gotta go there? That's sad. There's no values.

That's very sad. Alright, Marcus. Is there anything else here with this story? No, let's move on to Wisconsin. Let's go to Wisconsin. And we're gonna stay in animal news here. It is America's Australia. That's a good point. And today is one to stay in animal news here. America's Australia. It is America's Australia. That's a good point.

And today is one of those rare days when we have a double animal news story. Bear and donkey news. Both in Wisconsin. Sounds bad for the donkey. It doesn't sound great for the donkey. It sounds worse for Wisconsin. I had no idea Wisconsin had donkey. There's always donkey. The one donkey. There's always donkey.

The one donkey. The one donkey. There's no donkey hunting season. That would be a loud one. Mike, don't touch him. Are there wild donkeys? This is the only donkey

that I've ever heard of in Wisconsin. I don't think the donkeys get very crazy. I would imagine not in America but in South America. I'd imagine there's

some roaming donkeys. Yeah, but didn't they do those donkey races in New Mexico? Mule days. Yeah. But what does that have to do? They gotta be wild.

Mule days? No. Who's breeding them? I wouldn't fucking breed a donkey. They're good at carrying. Yeah, they gotta carry shit. I should have a donkey. Maybe like a personal donkey.

Yeah. Carry me, player. Sure. Donkeys are great to have. How do they not have a deal with EMS, right? What's EMS? Sports. EMS sports. They do a lot of bags. Ikeys are great to have. How do they not have a deal with EMS, right? What's EMS? Sports. EMS sports.

They do a lot of bags. I was going off on that. I like that. I should have said North Face. I should have said North Face. No, this is actually. What a nice day, North Face. This is an Apex group, actually, or a starter crowd, if you will.

Yes. I'll never forget getting. I got a Washington Redskins Apex jacket. When everybody else had starter jackets, I was humiliated for an entire year yeah i think it was more because it was the redskins why it was the redskins eddie that's fine you're very aggressive today i like the red over here with head they had mark ripping i literally got the redskins jacket because remember when mark ripping won the super bowl and he did that fist pump running down the Pretty upset over here with Ed. They had Mark Rippey, and I literally got the Redskins jacket, because remember when Mark Rippey won the Super Bowl,

and he did that fist pump running down the field? Yeah. I loved it so much that I became a Redskins fan for six months. That's it. Through the winter. Anyway, let's go back to bear and donkey news. A large male black bear attacked and killed a donkey on a farm in Outagami County last week. That was right. And gender, too.

Could have been a female. Why do you have to bring gender into this? And the bear was killed later by a conservation warden. Ridiculous. Not really much of a conservationist. Said conservation warden Mike Young said, we think of black bears as donut eaters,

but they do feed on deer carcasses. What? That's a Wisconsin... Donut eaters? So if they're not eating man-made food, they're put to death? You have to understand, you have to understand,

this is Wisconsin we're talking about. There are a lot of donuts in those forests. Now, deer are more your mozzarella sticks eaters. And then turkeys, obviously, their native food is that porterhouse. And of course, the ostrich can't get enough Newports. They're Newport smokers. They love it.

You got pote dope? I mean, that's really quite phenomenal. So they were just stunned that this bear ate the donkey. Well, the official policy of the Conservation Corps in Wisconsin is that if a bear kills livestock, you kill the bear. Gotta kill the bear. It's very Middle Eastern, very eye for

an eye. I kind of like their policy over there. And here's how the whole thing went down. Young said Wednesday he responded to a call from the owner of a hobby farm who lives about six miles north of Sheokton. So donkeys are his hobby. Yeah, yeah. Well, he had donkeys. Oh, no, it's Sheokton.

I'm from Wisconsin. That's Sheokton. Sheokton, yeah. He had donkeys, llamas, and a peacock. So the bear had tried to... Oh, yeah, it's a working farm over there. It sounds weird. This is your Neverland Ranch come true, Eddie.

Hey, kids, do you want to come see a quail? And a peacock? Soft feathers. Got a lot of pretty colors. Well, the bear... You want to bury the donkey? Yeah, do we know, was there a crowd for the attack? Was this just a great Wisconsin evening? This is nice.

I think the bear's going to win against the donkey in this race. This is my personal opinion. I hear he's really hopped up on donuts right now. You know how bears love donuts? Oh, yeah. Of course. That donkey, he's a croped up on donuts right now. You know how bears love donuts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. That donkey, he's a croissant eater. Totally weak.

The bear had tried to pull the donkey out of the enclosure, but could not, and when young arrived, the dead donkey was caught in the fencing and was partially eaten. Two llamas were also inside the fence, but were not harmed, and the peacock... Not hero llamas. And the peacock apparently lost its tail feathers.

That's the most adorable attack I've ever heard. I lost my tail feathers again. Heavens, what happened? I'm going to attack your beauty. By heavens, whatever, will I shake? Do you think it has, like, ghost feathers? Like, when you lose an arm and you can feel it still? I feel like I'm shaking, but no one's responded.

Nobody thinks I'm pretty anymore. That's just so sad. And a neighbor also said that chickens were killed at his farm. Okay. And Deputy Young says... But John Waters was just filming in another movie. Oh. That's what that's all about.

The frozen ground this spring is making it hard for bears to find food. Oh. Yeah, because of the long winter. And on Saturday afternoon, Young spotted the bear about a quarter mile from the farm with the help of a friend and the friend's bear-hunting dogs. Oh, wow. Bear-hunting dogs? Yeah, I've never heard of a bear hunting dog.

That's fucking scary. So wait, the bear can't get food because it's too cold and the ground is frozen so he's killing livestock. Why isn't the bear hibernating? This is my question. Because I think they only hibernate for so long. I don't think it has anything to do with the temperature outside.

So what you're saying is global warming would have helped this situation. Global warming, but not climate change. No, that doesn't exist. Listen, man, I don't even know what none of the shit y'all said means. But if beers are donut eaters, he could eat all year round.

I was about to say, I just want to see that sweet, sweet fucking donut-filled cave, man. That hibernation cave he's got going on. He's got a big recliner chair. He's like hanging out. I'm shocked no one has made a bear claw joke. I wanted to make one.

I'm shocked you didn't try to make one instead of just pointing it out. I had to. I had to point to the bear claw. That's what happens when someone comes up with a joke they don't believe in. I wanted to make a punny gay bar bear joke, but I didn't do it. I was like, all the dogs went to the bar mud run, and they just waited outside the door or something like that. I didn't make the joke, though.

Anyone else got any more bad jokes? Anyone? Anyone? Constantine, you're full of them. What do you got? That's a joke. I have found some information on bear hunting dogs, though. Apparently, they're small terriers,

and how they work is they irritate and distract the bear with their yapping as the hunter creeps in unnoticed. Holden, are you a bear hunting dog? Do I want a pussy? Am I a bear hunting dog? Oh, no, no, I just hunt pussy. Oh, well, that's not true. Carol, your face. Can you put words to your facial expression? No, I just hunt pussy. Oh, well, that's not true. Carol, your face.

Can you put words to your facial expression? Because you literally look so disgusting. Yeah, yeah. Holden's about to be the first person to get fired from a free podcast. You don't even pay me. Yeah, I know, but we're downsizing. It's really hard to get stuff out there right now. I'm just going to be here every Sunday.

Well, poor Bear. I'm very sad to see him go. He climbed up a tree and they killed him in the tree. Oh, leave him alone. He ate another animal. He was a dog. We're stepping bounds here. I think so.

He's a fucking bear. Bears are going to eat other animals. Right. That's the thing though, man. People be hating on bears in 2013, man. It's fucked up. Basically, this farmer was asking for it by having all those bears around.

Yeah, I mean, he had donkeys. Put a little dress on a donkey. Oh, yeah. Lipsync on it. He wouldn't have gone outside if he didn't want to get eaten. Yeah. Why?

Why was he out so late at night? That's what I'm talking about. You get it. So again, another story, if you put the animal inside the house, it could have been avoided. Keep your donkeys inside. Donkey bedrooms. Yeah, your house donkey. Your house donkey.

Isn't there a state where some state is illegal? Like that's you can go to jail for having a donkey inside of your house? Or, like, something weird, like you can't bathe a donkey? There was, like, those. I'm down with that. Take that dude away if he is doing that shit. I swear that's a lie somewhere. That's a kind of blue law from, like, the United States or something.

In Arizona, donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. There we somewhere. That's a kind of blue law from like the 90s or something. In Arizona, donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs. There we go. That's a law. Yo, if donkeys want to, it's small. I know shit about the world, man. If they show their papers, they can take a bath. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I do think there's some veiled racism with that law in Arizona,

with the donkey situation. Definitely. No doubt about it. Donkey metaphor again. Great. Perfect. That just reminded me of that Chappelle joke where he's

talking about how black people just know the shit out of laws. Like no matter what you do, another older black person goes, don't do that, nigga, that's 5 to 10. I know just donkey laws. You bring up donkey law. The new black, he knows all about the donkey laws. That's it.

So Carol, you don't think this bear should have been shot and murdered? I think maybe if he'd killed a human being, but it seems a little silly. I agree with you. Just being a bear, man. A little jail time. A little bear jail time. Slap on the bear wrists. I agree.

Just like probation. Yeah, you can't drive for six months. All right, let me ask you this. What if the bear killed a family dog? Oh, yeah, that would be rough. But I guess this is a family donkey. What if the bear shaved a cat? Ooh!

Politely. Then you make him president of the United States. Yeah! USA! USA! USA! USA! All right, Marcus, what's another new story, buddy?

Wanna go on a medieval-themed date with your mom to the Ballston Common Mall food court? Hold this. Sure, absolutely. Where is it? If so, Chick-fil-A has just the event for you. Chick-fil-A's Ballston Mall and Crystal City locations... Don't be gay, but fuck your mother! Along with the chains, 49 other D.C. area restaurants are

hosting a date night and that's night with a K for mothers and sons from 4.30 to 8.30 p.m. on Monday, May 6th. Is that like a purity ball in reverse? Holden, how are you going to ask your mom to go to the date night? Oh, well, you know, cover myself in jello, as is the scenario.

Hide. I can't hide behind the curtains anymore because she checks those. But maybe I can get in somewhere in the bathroom, like underneath the sink or something. I'll clear out all her beauty products. Smell them first. Exactly, yeah. Put on the old footies. I'll clear out all her beauty products. Smell them first. Exactly, yeah. Put on the old footies she loves, the fruit of the looms. You probably have something to do Thursday, Mom, but I'm just wondering.

And then I'll wait until she's taking her do, making her do-do in the toilet, and then I'll bust out and be like, baby, I love you. Let's go to Chick-fil-A. Monday from 4.30 to 6.30, 8.30 p.m. Those tits, Marcus. It's a four-hour event? Well, a company press release says, during this special medieval-themed evening,

moms and their sons are encouraged to spend some time together while they enjoy dinner, great conversation, and several special activities. Because nothing will make you gay like having a medieval-themed four hours with your mother. Aren't they supposed to be against the homosexual agenda? They're not going to plenish the mashed potatoes. Can I ask a question?

Does Mommy wear a bustier? Well, in your situation, I'm sure she does. Fantastic. Well, here's what every mother-son pair receives. A placemat with fun questions and topics to get the conversation started. The conversation started! That's so sad. And a take-home booklet that provides ideas fun questions and topics to get the conversation started. The conversation started.

That's so sad. And a take-home booklet that provides ideas for future dates. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe this is real. I want this book. And questions that both moms and their sons can ask each other. What did you do wrong? What did you do wrong? I had you.

That's the whole book. You're my mother. Yeah, here we are. I don't think that this is going to be're my mother. I don't think that this is going to be a successful event. No, because anybody who would want to go to this is probably somebody who's really into LARPing and

Renaissance Fair stuff. They will not go because Chick-fil-A was not around in the Middle Ages. That's true, but they're thinking it's still very medieval. Or maybe they don't give any utensils on that night, too. Yeah, I mean, placemats as well. Yeah, placemats, that's not medieval. It's a privy room, yeah.

Holden, what kind of question would you ask your mother if you looked at the placemat? What question would you choose from the placemat? How do we get Make Make to happen? Friday night, you're paying for the meal, you don't want to waste it. Are you buying the meal, or is your mother buying the meal? Yeah, that's how make-make happens if you buy the meal.

Dine and dash. Dirty boy, dirty mommy. We run out of there. You gotta understand, man. The thing you gotta understand is your mom will never fuck you, not because she's your mom, but because you just look horrible. That's exactly right. Kevin brings up an interesting point.

I cannot believe this. I've done further research on the mother-son date night, and somehow Chick-fil-A managed to get the domain name mothersondate.com. Are you kidding me? Wow. Taken. Wow. How is that not taken?

Because I think it would be illegal if it was about sex? And by the way, I mean, it's being done at like about 50 locations. You would be very surprised at how many have zero reservations remaining. Really? A lot of them. You know what's weird? I like that, man. What do you think?

What do you like at Kevin? I don't know. I feel like Chick-fil-A is a strong corporation with a lot of powerful views on a lot of different things, and I think that they're bringing it back to the old school, and I think that that's great. Quality chicken is what we need to be talking about. We're talking about who's feudalizing who. Kevin, I feel like if you went with your mother,

I just imagine her just, like, slapping you in the back of the head. Let me tell you something about my mom. My mom is Jamaican. She hates the gays. Oh, she loves Chick-fil-A. She loves Chick-fil-A. That's the dream place for us. And by the way, your question about bustiers, there is no dress code for this.

No dress code whatsoever. Chick-fil-A is out everything. And what is the price for these tickets? Oh, it's free. All you have to do is pay for the food. Oh, okay. All right. And you can bring more than one son.

That's just you going there. You can bring multiple children with you. Can you bring more than one mommy? I don't know if that's possible. I don't think so. Too gay. It's tough to say. And so they actually put on a medieval fight for you, right?

That's the whole thing? I think they just give you a medieval placemat. Okay. Yeah, it's just a night at Chick-fil-A with a placemat. Oh, so this is... They section off a part of the parking lot and they put armor on two chickens and they put them in there

and then they shoot them both in the head and then you eat them. Oh, I see. I think that's great, man. That's a good thing. By the way, due to various legal and business reasons, you must be 13 years of age or older. You don't have to be 13 for anything anymore. That's actually a worse thing.

I feel like that actually loses the innocence of the entire situation. At 13, you're getting constant boners. If you had to be like 6 to 12, where you still love your mother, there's no sexual tension there, it's much worse that you can't be younger. You should have to be younger than 12. But that's why they give you the questions, though. So they're forcing their kids to talk to their boys. That's why Chick-fil-A is such a good organization.

Because what they're doing is they're trying to bring mothers and sons together. After the age where you would automatically love your mom by bonding them over the deliciousness of their spicy chicken deluxe. You're not gay. You're not gay, Ryan. Kiss your mom. Yeah. Kiss your mom by bonding them over the deliciousness of their spicy chicken deluxe. You're not gay, right? Kiss your mom. Kiss your mom! What happens when a mom and her 10-year-old kid just like, oh, honey, you want Chick-fil-A

on the way home for dinner? And they go and they can't go in? You're not free enough of a couple right now? So wait three years. What you have to understand is that 10-year-olds can't cum. Is that why they're not allowed to cum there? I think so. I got it.

I seriously feel like this is a pool that's going on now in the office after the gay thing and now this of like, what can we do and still have people love the fuck out of our chicken? They can literally take the president of the United States and rape him on national television and I would still purchase their sandwich. I still go to Chick-fil-A. That's a terrible part. I'll tell you one thing about me and my life is I don't need politics involved in my chicken.

I agree with that. Chick-fil-A makes a delicious chicken sandwich. I eat the fuck out of it. It's so good. I would disagree that Chick-fil-A is the one that's putting politics out of it. It's so good. I would disagree that Chick-fil-A is the one that's putting politics in your chicken.

That's what I'm saying. I don't need it, but the chicken's still good. It's still good as fuck. Chick-fil-A should have shut the fuck up. It tastes great. It's just like,

what is she? It's fantastic chicken. They stopped donating to that place, though. Yeah, they did. It rhymes, but hate does taste great. Do you think if Chick-fil-A

was just totally liberal with the ACLU all the time, would their chicken have the same passion? Would it have the same juice? Would it have that same mean spirit? Yeah, chicken would have

an education before it was killed. I want a dumb chicken! No, in Tallahassee, I used to go to Bethel Baptist Church every Wednesday. Hell yeah, man. They didn't want me in there,

but I didn't give a fuck because it was just these huge, wonderful black women making this fucking amazing food. Hell yeah man They didn't want me in there But I didn't give a fuck Because it was just These huge Wonderful black women Making this Fucking amazing food It was just filled With black people

They hated me But I paid Why did they hate you so much? Because I'm fucking white I'm a little Fucking white hipster girl Look at me I'm a fucking theater kid

And I would go in And get the fried okra Get all that shit And it tasted So much better Because of the scorn They looked at me with. It was great.

Best seasoning of all. I like it. I mean, it sounds relatively primitive. When we were cavemen and we killed an animal, that animal would look us in the eye and would completely hate what we did to it, and I think that made the meat taste better. Yeah, maybe hate and meat. I disagree. I feel like anything that's

loved tastes better. I feel like anything that's loved tastes better. Oh, this is the sensitive side of that. I feel like anything brined in pickle juice tastes better. That's what makes chicken wings. That's good. That's good. Pickle it. Do you massage your chicken wings before you serve them at the restaurant?

No, no, no. I massage the chicken before you murder it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, not me. You know, I have someone else murder it. I don't want to get any blood on my hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't bother with it.

But maybe the ones that were loved taste better because when you actually do kill them, they have so much hate because of the mistrust. Oh, that's a good point. I don't even know a shot in the back of the head. That's another good point. I'm talking about chicken here. We're talking about chicken here.

Can an assassin do that with a laser sight from a building away? We have the shot. Take the shot! Take the shot! Take the shot! $8.50 an hour. Yeah. In his restaurant, you just hear somebody going through all the ducks and stuff. You're like, what is that?

Oh, that's just our assassin. He kills all the chickens from above. We hired a mercenary. He's great. He doesn't speak a lick of English. Not a lick of English. Do we need papers for that job? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's not a real job. He's like, boy, ah, boy, ah. All right. That's good. All right, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? A Walmart employee is facing a prostitution charge for allegedly soliciting sexual encounters inside the upstate New York store where he works. Yeah, that's fine.

Was he trying to pay people for sex, or was he offering himself up? Ah, he was offering it. Foster Bills, 22, was arrested. I'm surprised Walmart doesn't have an aisle for this. It doesn't have a whole section for prostitution. His name was Foster Bills, 22, was arrested. I'm surprised Walmart doesn't have an aisle for this. Doesn't have a whole section for prostitution. His name was Foster Bills. Foster Bills. Tom Hanks is Foster Bills.

So, $10 sucky sucky? Tom Hanks was getting blown by a beach ball. Or a fucking volleyball, whatever you talk about. He was arrested after Walmart managers contacted state troopers to report that they had received an anonymous complaint of a male subject performing sexual acts in a secluded location in the Queensbury store.

Anonymous. That's the guy who didn't get a good blowjob. Exactly. An anonymous complaint. Have some balls. Put your name behind the blowjob you got in the Walmart bathroom. Business Bureau, I have something to report. Yes, your deals are great. Sure, I got eight pounds of cabbage

and a bunch of pretzels, but I got a terrible blowjob in the bathroom. It was teeth. It was pathetic. And in fact, the secluded location was the Walmart bathroom. Of course. And the John Hester bathroom.

It was in the bathroom? That's indecency. Of course, man, every bathroom. That's where you're supposed to empty penises. Yes. That's a good point. I don't agree, man. You don't think so, Kevin?

I don't like the whole fucking and blowing in bathroom situation, man. Why is that? It's just like, just wait. Have you ever given or gotten a good blow job in a bathroom from a fellow woman? One time, man, but I didn't have a choice in the matter. Well, it wasn't from a fellow woman. Whoa! Dude, dude.

Did he report it? Oh, man. Is that it? Is there going to be a clip that we isolate? What is he doing? I understand Kevin you're confused you're scared. It's fine. No, man. You can talk to us. You're not gay if you didn't cum. It wasn't. No, man. Now I understand why you like Chick-fil-A so much, because you're not gay. You're not gay, dude. Sure, you got blown by a man, but you eat enough No. 3s at Chick-fil-A, and you'll completely

forget that memory. That's not even what I was saying at all. I'm sorry. No wonder you love Chick-fil-A. Dude, I got all the bitches. I hope y'all know that. Didn't a woman fall asleep on your couch yesterday? I don't.

Listen, man. I don't have a couch. She slept on it. I don't have a couch. Oh, she fell asleep in your shitty bed in your wood-paneled bedroom? Yes, yes. That's hipster cool. That's hipster chic.

Yeah, yeah. I saw Kevin hitting on this girl all night long. Dude, no, I wasn't hitting on her all night long. She came to me. You were hitting on some chick. And that was the saddest thing. She was a marathoner. She was a model.

We walk into the bar. We walk into the bar. And Ben's like, dude, there's this black chick. She's like a model, man. And she's hitting on me, bro. She was. I'm going to be fucking her tonight. I didn't sound like that.

That's a really good Ben. He kept saying that. He's like, dude, she's hot as fuck, bro. She's hot as fuck. And then, like, I'm like, who's the chick? Who's the chick? And he points her out. And I see her, like, talking to other people.

She's like a blatant dude. No, no, no. She was attractive. But she's, like, talking to other people or whatever. And then, like, At a certain point, I see Ben tries to talk to her at the bar by herself. I did well. She just immediately leaves

and starts talking to some other dude. That's not true. She left you. You were at the bar by yourself. This is just like Rashomon. You were pointed left. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

The last... No, okay. That's not true. The last time you tried to hit on a girl at a bar, she said she was a lesbian, and she wasn't a lesbian. You made her change her sexual orientation. What is that?

Fuck it, when you nearly got arrested for sexual assault at Union Pool. Okay, all right. Union Pool is the worst place to be and look at women or talk to women. They won't look at you if you're dressed like a man who has a job. Well, that's dead serious. That's totally true. But let's not forget about Kevin giving a blowjob in the bathroom. Oh, yeah.

No, I didn't know that. To a man. He asked, had I ever gotten. No, he just got a blowjob from a man in the bathroom. So, Kevin, what was it like fucking 12 dudes in the bathroom? This was not. No, look, he was sexually assaulted, and we should hear him out. He got a blowjob that he didn't want.

I don't understand, man. You know, there's more of that that happens and people don't even report because dudes are so embarrassed that they got, you know, raped by another man. Marcus, stop recording. And you're a pioneer, Kevin. Stop recording. Kevin, do you want to talk about it? No, no.

Stop it. Do you want to talk about it? I've got a good shoulder, man. Cry. This is the same place. I'm just trying to live my life, man. Continue on with the story, Marcus. Is there news anymore?

Can we move on? Yeah, no, there's a little bit more. And the Johns were solicited through Craigslist Casual Encounter Ads. In response to the Walmart complaint, cops launched an undercover investigation that resulted in Bill's arrest Wednesday after he accepted cash for sex from an undercover state police investigator. Investigators have also reportedly tied bills to a Craigslist ad

that sought to arrange sexual liaisons at a public library. Young guy looking for a little spending money, noted the M4M ad that indicates it was placed by a 22-year-old. And do you guys want to see a picture of the dude? Yes, please. Kevin, let me know if you recognize him. Oh, Jesus Christ! It was placed by a 22-year-old. And do you guys want to see a picture of the dude? Yes, please. That is so ugly.

Kevin, let me know if you recognize him. Oh, Jesus Christ. Bad white. Unfortunately, bad white is the last thing you'll be hearing from this roundtable this week. There was a technical difficulty during the recording. And when I was showing the people the picture of the bad white, recording stopped and did not start again. But a little bit of roundtable is better than no roundtable at all. And just so you know, Jackie won the game with a horrible children's book.

It was a choose your own adventure book in which you got to see how things were killed. I think it was called How They Killed at Reg. Somewhere around there. I'm very sad about this, as I'm sure you are as well. We'll be back next week, though, and God help us all.