The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 144: Fat and Happy but Sad

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: one Florida man claims to be a monkey while another masturbates while playing with a toy helicopter, a West Virginia man is killed while trying to harvest copper from high line wires, and a Chinese woman is arrested for poisoning kindergarteners. We're joined today by Ed Larson's mother, Mama Kathleen!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I look good. I'm telling you, I look very good. I was seductive. gentlemen. Always civility.

I'm telling you, I look very good. I was seductive. I almost wanted to date me. Holden, do you want to say a special prayer for Mother's Day? Sure, why not? It's like a special day for us all. Just for you mostly. Oh, man. Mommy. Hi. I know you

are uncomfortable around me, but this is fine for us to be Intimate like this I've been sitting here Stewing in my juices Yuck Thinking about maybe getting back down there For a couple of play dates If you will

Bit of a If we could play snarl on the carpet What's snarl on the carpet. What's snarled? Oh, well, you get all mean and mad. Right? And she dresses up like a cobra snake. Right?

And you're just like, oh, and you're like the hunter. You're like, oh, I'm out hunting for big game animals. And she's like, oh, I'm the big python. I'm going to eat your whole body up, put you back in my belly back where you belong. I want to play that game

with you very soon, along with several other games. I think if you look at my secret blog that I send to you weekly, maybe get some ideas from that. Definitely, sort of if you you know i kind of have a misery fantasy scenario where i'm a novelist and she's a crazy woman in a house and i end up stuck there and she breaks my leg so i have to stay there forever right but you

break your own legs of course yeah of course yeah, definitely. Mommy dearest. Mommy dearest. Talking to you. So, anyways, I just want to thank you for being my mommy. Can't wait to bonk Hogan's again. And until that day, I love you so much. Kisses and misses. Kisses and misses, mommy. All right. Wow.

Thank you, Holden. Welcome. Very lovely. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, Mommy. All right. Wow. Thank you, Holden. Welcome. Very lovely crew. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. And Holden, by the way, can we just all say thank you, Holden. Thank you. Thank you for all your Mommy love. Thank you for just saying all the things you've said about your Mommy over the years.

You put yourself out there, and it's risky to do. I want to be the noodles in my chicken Mommy soup. We have the tissues for you. So if that could happen immediately. Thank you, Mom. All right. Who's everybody around this round table? Jackie Zabrowski.

Man, I would never want my mom to squirt anywhere near me. No, definitely not. Throw that out there. I agree. My name is Ed Larson. Holder McNeely for president 1999. Ah. I can get behind that campaign.

Yeah, man. Kevin Barnett. It's May. It's cold, but that's cool. He's got new jackets. New jackets. It was free. Free! Because you stole it? No. What? Assumptions are being made, but we will

get into a theft story later on in the episode. Of course, I am Ben Kissel. And then in honor of Mother's Day, we have the roundtable mama, more specifically the fattest baby in Florida's mama, Ed Larson's mother, Mama Kathleen. Thank you for being here, Mama Kathleen. No problem. I just wish I burped a lot faster when I was pregnant. Oh, my goodness.

I could have had him sooner. How long did the birth of Ed Larson take? Oh, 8 o'clock in the morning. I had a doctor appointment. And the doctor said, you're six centimeters. You have to go to the hospital. I said, no, I need my tapes. What kind of tapes were you going to get?

It was a crazy day. Music. It sounds nice. So I went home need my tapes. What kind of tapes were you going to get? It was a crazy day. Music. It sounds nice. So I went home for my tapes. Ed was there. And then I went to the hospital, and there was a chick next to me. A girl, Dot. Oh.

No, somebody delivering a baby. Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Was that Ed's first words? No, that was the lady delivering a six-pounder when I delivered a 14, 13 and a half. Holy Lord. So did you know that Ed was going to be 14 pounds before you gave birth? No, eight pounds. You thought he was going to be eight pounds.

That's crazy. How did it feel to give birth to that much meat? I feel like a supermarket checkup boy should just stamp him like 14.99. Supermarket checkup. We should just stamp him like $14.99. This is... Okay, Mama Kathleen is showing Ed Larson a picture of Ed Larson. This is literally in the hospital day one. What's your first impression?

He looks like a seven-year-old. And by the way, we're going to be showing... I'm going to be posting all these pictures on the Facebook page. Yes. Okay. All right. No, it literally looks like a boar's head ham. It's unbelievably fat.

All I could say was, thank God it was a boy and not a girl. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, for humanity's sake. God knows she'd be dating Kevin right now if it was a girl. Terrible. Terrible. So, okay. Have you fully recovered from the birth? Oh, sure. Terrible Terrible So Okay Have you fully recovered

From the birth Oh sure You're doing good Sure Has any recovered Yeah That is not I've never seen a baby picture

That is just like This looks exactly like you It's perfect Usually when you're a baby Like you come out And they're like He'll grow into his face Or whatever

But like you don't have to Grow into anything No no It was all set up for me. It was beautiful. Same breasts and everything. Ham don't really grow. It just kind of gets smellier if you leave it out.

Get him out of the sunlight. That's the thing. Did dogs follow you when you would push him in a stroller on a specifically sunny day? Just the fumes that smelled like bacon? Sure. Bunky loved him. Bunky the dog. My Irish setter just loved his gas. Alright, Marcus, let's get to our first news story.

Tim Lambesis, lead singer for the Christian heavy metal band As I Lay Dying, was arrested in California on Tuesday. That's the name of their Christian band? Yeah. He was arrested in California on Tuesday. That's the name of their Christian band? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was arrested in California on Tuesday on charges that he sought the help of an undercover detective to have his estranged wife killed. Nice. I like it. Very edgy for a man in a Christian band.

Well, it's still a metal band, you know, so he's got to get his stripes somewhere. Yeah, yeah. Was he born again? Yes, they are born again Christians. Totally. Very, very born again. What do you think, Jackie? I just think it makes sense that he wasn't actually

able to get his wife killed. Right. He immediately, of course, if it was like a real metal band, he probably would have just fucking offed her himself. Definitely. Or would have actually

gone through with it. But he's such a fucking pussy. These fucking Christian metal bands. Which shouldn't be allowed. Never should be allowed. Then it's like, yeah, no, he even got, he got caught because he's a fucking idiot. He's a pussy idiot.

If he's in a real metal band, he would have been on his fifth wife and they had three drug overdoses and two motorcycle wrecks. Exactly. Like a real metal person. A drug overdose is a great way to get rid of a wife. That's what I would assume.

Indeed. No doubt. No doubt. No doubt. Just shoot her up, huh? Yeah. Shoot her up with heroin, you know? She was married to a rock star. Bleach, too.

Shoot her up with bleach. That'll kill her. Ah, yeah. Just put it in her ass. You know, just like shove it, like, not like up in her ass. I mean, like in the meat of the ass. Oh. Yeah.

I thought you meant like Turn a bleach bottle upside down That would probably work though That would definitely work Yeah with a tube You poke a bunch of holes in the other end Let the air come out Do you have more respect or less respect for someone who kills his wife

Via his own hands, his own kitchen knife Or somebody who goes out and sublets the job Somebody who has somebody come in for $5,000 and kill his wife for him. I mean, if you have that money, though. And this guy does have money. In 2007, their album An Ocean Between Us. Oh, what is this?

The number one song, Intercontinental Drift, is the number one hit. That album debuted at number eight on the Billboard 200 list. Whoa! Number eight, and it's a Christian metal band? It was one of the top-selling releases of the year. Well, I have to say, I have heard of As I Lay Dying.

No, no, no. I've heard that name. No, no, no. What do you think, Mama Kathleen? Well, I really think he should have let her know. He should have let her know face up to it. You know, you've got to let the girl know. And it could have had another war of roses.

Ooh! Yeah, a little fight. So you're trying to get some drama involved. Fight to the death. That's good. So if we were dating, and it's very possible that we will be, and I want to murder you at some point, I'll just tell you, like, Mom and Kathleen,

things aren't working out between me and you. I think I want to kill you. This would be a good conversation starter for you. Oh, excellent for me. And you can sleep to a night of wonderful passion. I would just get myself ready. And I suggest you get yourself ready. I will be ready. I'm ready to go right now.

Yeah, man, that's a dangerous road you just traveled down, Ben. Oh, yeah. No, I'm just excited. I'm just excited to actually have some legal power over Ed when I become his father-in-law. Oh, hope you like mowing the lawn, Ed. And making a whole bunch of lasagna. I'm getting fat again.

Still. Still. Still. No, I've lost a lot of weight. How much weight have you lost? I lost five pounds. By doing what? But you're eight feet tall.

Yes, yes. You lose five pounds when you clip your toenails. Oh, my God, and the jokes keep coming. Wow. That was a dump in the bathroom. That's always the Ben Kissel diet, man. Just switch to vodka. Switch to vodka.

I've seen those vodka bottles pile up in the apartment, man. Oh, yeah. You got tons of OJ and fucking cranberry juice in there. It's ridiculous. No, you are doing good, man. Thank you, Kevin. I noticed, OJ and fucking cranberry juice in there. It's ridiculous. You are doing good, man. Thank you, Kevin. I noticed man, like Holden was looking way fatter than you. Holden's getting way in a massive ring.

I'm getting huge. I'm getting fat and happy, but I'm sad. As a matter of fact, Holden's had a very rough week because Wednesday, Kevin, can we talk about the shoot a little bit or not? Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we can go into details of what was... Can we talk about what happened to Holden or not? Yeah, I mean, I don't know if we can go into details of what it was about. Can we talk about what happened to Holden?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this is what happened. We can say not the actual shoot. So, obviously, it's on Facebook. You shot a pilot for Comedy Central, Legion of Goons. Very, very funny. And then, so Holden and I were doing some extra work, but we were just meat. We were just numbers.

They didn't give us any respect. I was number six. He was number six. Like, literally, they gave us numbers. I was like, this is amazing. We're gonna go to the showers after all this? Eddie's number one. But then at the end of the shoot,

Holding got his bag stolen, which was really quite remarkable because there was nothing actually in your bag but the whitest shit ever. A fantasy novel, a light jacket, my passport, a checkbook,

and what else was in there? I think that was it. Oh, and stationery and a letter to my grandmother. I mean, you might as well have had a Grover Norquist button in there as well.

I mean, it's the whitest bag of all time. You know they just threw it directly in the trash? They opened it up. They're like, what the fuck? I thought this was going going to have a laptop Let's save the bottles for Holden so he can write those letters A letter to his grandmother Maybe they were polite though

And mailed it Did you have her address? Yes it was on there If your grandmother gets that letter That would be amazing I would have full redemption in humanity There was no postage on it, though, so I don't think... Well, they might just use the address and go

to your grandmother's house and just fucking lock her in. Yeah, that's possible. Yeah, they got her address, man. That's true. They're like, this is where the money is. Yeah, I think they're definitely gonna go from the projects down to North Carolina and find her and kill her. Yeah, you said they got footage of the guy, though, right?

They got footage of the guy, but I mean, you know, it's New York and it's, you know, who knows. Dude, when the cops showed up, they were Russian. Two Russian cops. And one of the dudes was like, so you guys are like Russian? And he was like, do not worry about that. We're like, these guys are going to take us into a room and fucking blow

our brains out. Two Russian cops. Two Russian cops. And they were slow, slow moving. Kind of ironic. Two Russian cops and they were slow, slow moving. Oh, man. Kind of ironic they're Russian, huh? Yeah. Kind of a fun thing.

But either way, the whole sketch, of course it's a black show so it's like really positive about black people and then the irony was that Holden got his bag stolen by a black dude.

And it's like, it's so bad. I love it so much. It's like, it was like the new KKK so it's like all these people that are like racist and don't realize they're racist. Especially right now, given the blogosphere world that's being run by women, white men or the devil again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I love how the people. I just saw that. I was, well, you know. It was remarkable. The irony was so perfect. Because the dudes who went up and saw the tape first In the film thing they came down and were like Yeah I was like 30 year old dude He didn't look like he had a lot of money

But nobody would say he was black until the Russians looked at it And then they came down and was like Black male 30 years old And I was like yeah They were trying not to say it That's so funny Literally in the sketch People afraid to say the word black

They couldn't say it So was it white people who couldn word black. They say, I couldn't say it. Oh my God. So was it white people who couldn't say black or black people who couldn't say black? White people who can't say black. Oh no,

I'm not talking about the sketch. I'm talking about the people who looked at the video of the robbery. Oh, white woman, black man. Okay. A lot of tension in the room. Not even together.

A lot of tension. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Either way, it is an interesting window. In Polish, mak to bożu. Mak to bożu means oh my God.unny chunny is

black what all right mama kathleen everybody oh that's polish you're a chunny chunny chunny get away with it because you would never know is that a bad is that a bad term inward black or just black it's not like sch in German. And what's that mean? Oh, that is a racial slur for black. Oh, okay. I thought that was Jewish. Is it? Yeah, it sounds Jewish. I mean, it's Yiddish, which is a combination of German and Hebrew.

I know my grandfather said it a lot. Ah, yes, no matter what it was. Either way, we'll keep you updated on the Holden McNeely bag thief controversy, and we'll see if updated on the Holden McNeely bag thief controversy. And we'll see if that letter ever gets mailed to his grandmother. That'd be amazing.

We'll let you know if that happens. Marcus, so what kind of prison term is this? Christian Rocker who tried to kill his wife via a hitman. What kind of prison is he in? Two weeks. I mean, I do know that if you hire a hitman to kill someone, the person who hires them gets charged with first-degree murder. Oh, really?

And the person who kills them gets charged with second-degree murder. However, I do not know what a person who just solicits it. I'm going to say I don't agree with that, by the way. Attempted murder, maybe. Do you agree with that? What? If you get paid to kill somebody, you didn't just commit the same crime as somebody who paid you to kill that person? Hey, he's a soldier. Give him a break.

You think so? I'm not going to salute him. You're not going to salute him? Nah. No soldier. I feel like, so you respect, if you find out somebody's a serial killer, for example, they killed 10 people. You find out someone's a hitman,

they killed 100 people. What's a worse person? The serial killer. You think so? Because he's killing prostitutes. Well, you never know who they're killing. Usually it's prostitutes. A lot of times it's prostitutes. Nine times out of 10 it's prostitutes.

Sure, sure, sure. Or prostitutes are gay men. Yeah, yeah, that's true. All right. Yeah, the gay dudes have it rough with that. So if you can make money at it, it's better. All right, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? We're going down to Florida.

Oh. Let's travel down. A Palm Coast man told police he was a monkey and stripped naked at a Daytona Beach convenience store in front of customers and the female store. Monkeys hate when they're wearing suits. Well, the thing is, like, he was... That's a good point. Daytona Beach police said they got a call from the perpetrator,

Daylon Holloman, 20, from him Wednesday at 12.32 a.m., who was at a 7-Eleven store. He handed back the clerk the telephone when police arrived. Holloman admitted he made the call to dispatchers about a suspicious incident and kept answering, I don't know, when police asked him several questions. When police asked him if he had consumed drugs or alcohol, he said, I don't know, when police asked him several questions. When police asked him if he had consumed drugs or alcohol, he said, I don't know. Even when Holloman called 911, he kept answering a dispatcher with I don't knows. Asked if he knew his name, Holloman said, I don't know.

Then, after a while, Holloman told the dispatcher he remembered his name. It's Monkey. No, I mean, everything he said sounds like a pretty believable monkey. Why are you asking me all these questions? I'm a monkey! I'm a monkey! I'm a monkey! Fucking idiot!

When the officer at the store asked Holloman, What do you know? Holloman answered, I know I'm a monkey. That is true. See, I wish he had said banana. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's he being charged with?

He's being charged with indecent exposure. Oh, just for the nudity. Well, yeah, because he's stripped naked. But then he called the cops on himself, right? He called the cops. Yeah. Then he's stripped naked. He called the cops on a suspicious incident

and then started taking all of his clothes off. But here's what happened. When the police arrived, Holloman told the officer, look at this shirt I have on. The officer answered Holloman, saying he saw the shirt and told Holloman he is not a monkey because he is a human and humans wear clothes. That's when Holloman replied, oh, really? And started removing his clothes. Oh wow! Oh isn't that interesting? Oh that's just a logic line.

Yeah. He's just following. Well that's your theory officer. Really? Alright! Try this monkey to wear clothes! I like it. Tell that officer what's up. That's not so bad.

The officer warned Holloman not to undress, but Holloman kept taking off his clothes until he was completely naked, exposing himself to a woman, customers, and other people at the 7-Eleven store. Oh, that's fine. Why wouldn't they stop him before he got completely naked? That sounds like a good cop to me.

Yeah, he seems like a fine cop. In my head, I just pictured a scene where he's like, stop undressing, Stop undressing! And he's fully undressed and the cop just pumps him full of lead. The cop just shoots him like seven times. That is a bad cop. It would be a bad cop. Yeah, plus he had to think about it for a second because maybe there was

a moment in this cop's head where he's like, well, maybe he's right. Monkeys are strong. They're strong, man. We've seen it several times People's faces ripped off That cop was thinking That's true

This isn't the worst guy in the face of the planet It's just a little warm, a little hot I'm surprised he didn't get the shit kicked out of him This is a Florida cop He's very lucky He got the one He got the one nice one. I feel like he would at least get tased, though, right?

That's a way to stop him without getting his face ripped off if he were said monkey. I must have talked about this before, but man, I love watching videos of people getting tased, man. It's great. It is the most enjoyable thing to watch. How many videos do you watch on a weekly basis of people getting tased? I like to go on Reddit has a thing called Justice Porn where it's a lot of bullies or assholes

being assholes and then they get fucked up. Oh, sure. I'd say at least 10, 15 videos of people getting tased. Plus that crazy mall cop that would tase that chick. I love him. That guy's great. Yeah, that guy was interesting. What was this mall cop all about?

He was just a mall cop in Atlanta and he would just tase this girl in this one video. She was beating on him and stuff. stuff. She had all her kids with her and her kids were like throwing shit at her. And then he tased her and hissed the ground like a sack of rice. Fucking amazing. And then there's also the video

on cops of the dude trying to tase another dude. He sticks the brambles in him with the gun and then hits it and the dude just looks over at his girlfriend and he's like, I'm gonna get you for this bitch! And then the guy has to just tackle him. He was like this big black dude and it just didn't affect him.

He didn't see anything like it. I'm gonna get you, bitch. Just fell down. Great video. That's awesome, man. It reminded me, I mean, I didn't see this. I wish I would have saw it, but my ex-girlfriend, I love it. Great video. That's awesome, man. It reminded me, like, I just, I mean, I didn't see this. I wish I would have saw it. But my ex-girlfriend, I remember, like, a bunch of people told me that I wasn't there for this.

This is, like, before I knew her, but I didn't know her well. But apparently she was at this bar, and she was just drunk and just being crazy. And she was dating Lawrence Timmons at the time. Ah, yes, of course, the Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker dating Lawrence Timmons at the time. Ah, yes, the Pittsburgh Steelers linebacker Lawrence Tim Big ass strong ass, you know ruin my life and my you know confidence for the rest of my life It's arguing with this tiny she's five foot flat like pretty blonde girl, but she No, no, no shit like the you know black man man body dream. His butt and legs and stuff. And so they're arguing.

And she's this little girl. And they're arguing. And she's yelling at him and shit. And the bouncer comes over and pepper sprays her. That's how it is in telepathy, man. Pepper sprays her. Lauren Stim is like two. He's six, three, six, four.

I mean, if you're the bouncer, you've got to look at your options. You're like, how do you want the next 30 seconds to go for you? Like, you can pepper spray the girl. You can pepper spray Lawrence Timmons. It's so unnecessary. You could have just grabbed her. It's just amazing. I don't know.

Did he do anything in response, Lawrence Timmons? I don't know. This is from the account. Yeah. And I asked her and she confirmed it. She was sad about it. No doubt. I imagine his response went like this.

I would think that would be a proper response. And I have to say, that's an amazing impression of a big black man laughing. I love it. That was really solid. I love it. You know what? That story to me just sounds like justice. It sounds wonderful.

Wonderful. It's fucking beautiful. Thoroughly enjoy that story. Yeah, if you're the bouncer, you've got to pepper spray that girl. I mean, what would have happened if you would have pepper sprayed Lawrence Timmons? That would have been a nightmare. It would have been blacklisted by the football team and no one would go anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what happens. You've got to protect those players when they're in your restaurant. Yeah, you know all about that stuff. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. Always get the chick out of there. She's the loud one. He's just going to be buying drinks for everyone all night on that sweet, sweet FSU money.

Yeah. That money's not supposed to have. I imagine the bouncer just used that as his moment, because there's something about just the white FSU girl, the entitlement is just crazy. That bouncer just walked up to that situation like, someone's going to pay for this. It's a rare opportunity in your life

When you get to do that Oh man I wish she was a blogger That would make me much much happier Alright Marcus, you want to go on to another story? Absolutely, we're going to stay in Florida though Of course we are Is it bizarre?

You don't look for Florida stories, do you? Of course not It's just the asshole of the United States Is it bizarre? You don't look for Florida stories, do you? Of course not. It's just the asshole of the United States. Okay. I think it's a great place. I love it. Of course I love it. I don't think it's the asshole.

It's the dick. It is the dick. I know it looks like the dick, but it's not the asshole. A big, syphilitic, gonorrhea-raged dick. Yeah, Texas is the asshole of America. Yeah, that's true. And Florida's like a swollen... Wisconsin is the heart of America. It's the heartland. And Florida's like a swollen... Wisconsin is the heart of America.

Ugh. It's the heartland. It is. You know, it's just the fat. It's only the fat of America. Yeah, it's clogged. Oh, yeah, no. America's gonna die

of a coronary heart attack any moment. It's gonna be very, very brutal. It's so funny, dude. I like to watch... Coronary heart attack? Does that make sense? Coronary heart attack?

You can just say coronary. You can just say coronary. Oh, a coronary. Okay. My lady and I would like to watch Cops Together a lot, and most of the segments are somewhere in Florida, and most of the segments are where she's from, Jacksonville, Florida, and she literally is like, oh, I recognize that street. Jacksonville is the, I feel like the definitely like huge genital wart

on the penis that is for her. She'll be like that looks like a guy that like my mom knows. Like seriously like every episode we watch like she recognized

someone or something. No I date someone from Jacksonville as well. It's a terrifying place. Why are you never go to Jacksonville? Yeah it really is. It's where Limp Bizkit is from.

Exactly. There you go. That's enough. Yeah dude Florida is just hot man. It's where Limp Bizkit is from. Exactly. There you go. That's enough. Yeah, dude, Florida is just hot, man. It's hot. Yes, it's a problem. It's hot in the swamp. People get mad.

Like, literally, the 50 Cent has a lyric which is just so true. It's a song called Heat, and it just says, In the hood, summertime is the killing season. Because it's hot out this bitch, and that's a good enough reason. It's true. It's just hot and mad. this bitch and that's a good enough reason it's true i mean that's the thing people in wisconsin it's freezing cold so they keep the bodies you know jeffrey dahmer had all of those bodies in his bed because he didn't have heat for a fucking weekend and he needed a human blanket you know but in florida just a nice spree kill same thing when

you were telling stories about jamaica borrow like using borrowing fans like together and stuff and then just seeing like gang wars all over the streets and really like if you look like a lot of were telling stories about Jamaica, borrowing fans together and stuff. You're mad. And then just seeing gang wars all over the streets. And if you look, a lot of wars start during summertime. Of course. You're just hot. It's hot. It's like, I'm going to go kill a million people that don't look like me because I'm hot.

That's happening. They might look similar, though. What they need to do in Florida, all the people, when they get hot, is just shake it off. Like the dogs do. In Florida, all the people, when they get hot, just shake it off. Like the dogs do. Mom and Kathleen just did a perfect impression of a dog shaking off some water in the summertime. All right, well, let's see if your girlfriend, Holden, perhaps recognizes somebody from this next story.

Marcus, what's happening in Florida? Well, this is out of St. Augustine, Florida. Oldest city in America. It's close to Jacksonville, though. It's about 30 minutes out of Jacksonville. The pride that just welled up in the white trash that I'm surrounded by. Oldest city in America. Who gives a shit? But you can feel the dead in St. Augustine.

You go in there, and it's all like old ports and shit like that. Castles and shit. It's fucking awesome. It's cool. However, you can feel dead people. Yeah. It's insane. Trashy, trashy humans. They're all like racist ghosts, too. Yeah. It's insane. Trashy, trashy humans.

They're all like racist ghosts, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's like serious business. Terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They say boo, but like as a racial slur. All right, Marcus. Terrible.

So was it kind of a punny joke, though? It was punny. It was punny. Right? I think you'd have to say spook for the joke. That's racist. Well, yeah, I know. I thought you were making a racist jokeook That's racist Well yeah I know I thought you were making a racist joke

Octaroon How's about that one? I don't care One eighth is black I'll never Octaroon? It's one eighth black Oh okay

Yeah I mean old Old slurs are funny Octaroon just sounds like a member of the X-Men My favorite is Moon Cricket I was gonna say that Moon Cricket It's a good one It's great good one.

It's great. I didn't know, but is that an actual saying? Oh, yeah. Yes. That was real. You ever hear anyone get called the Moon Cricket? You grew up in Elizabeth, New Jersey. No.

No? I think that's more like a... My mother kept me indoors. That's like a southern term as well. Yeah, that's southern. Yeah, it's right up there with Porch Monkey. And Jim Crow. Jim Crow's a good one. Yeah. I just southern. It's right up there with Porch Monkey. And Jim Crow. Jim Crow's a good one.

Yeah. I just don't understand the Moon Cricket one because that one just makes no sense. Oh, go ahead, Kevin. Because they're out at night and they're making a lot

of noise and they're annoying. Oh, wow. Is that what it is? Is that what it is? No, I'm not saying that's true. No, but that's the premise. Okay, so they're even

loud on the moon. I looked up Moon Cricket. Yeah, yeah. I have the actual... Okay, let's give the definition of it. Okay, so they're even loud on the moon. I looked up moon cricket. I have the actual... Okay, let's give the definition of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It comes from early slave times when black people would come out at night and sing slave songs under the moonlight like crickets. Thank you. Oh.

I said it in a much worse way than that. Yeah, I mean, you put your own spin on it to be sure. That's not even bad. It's kind of nice. Yeah. I'm sure all a lot of, I'm sure all the white people opened up the windows

to hear that beautiful singing. I love that. Man, I want people nowadays like, oh, it's my moon cricket friend. Yeah. How do you say that? There's an incredible singer

who entertains everybody. Beautiful songs in the evenings. Yeah. I learned something. I learned something. I was like, it's like a moon river. That's interesting.

All right, so what's going on here in St. Augustine? Authorities arrested Jason Vickery, 23, on burglary and larceny charges. Deputies say he broke into a home on Atlantic View in St. Augustine. Vickery told police he got into the home through an unlocked door. He told investigators he went upstairs to masturbate in the bathroom when he found a remote control helicopter. Vickery said he found some batteries and started playing with the helicopter. He also ate a salad that he brought with him.

Most confusing burglary ever. He didn't even jerk off. He saw the helicopter and was like, no, no, wait. Wait? Okay. Vickery told deputies he then went back to the bathroom to masturbate when he heard voices outside. He ran outside where a deputy with his gun drum was waiting for him.

Police confiscated a bag of marijuana, other drug paraphernalia, a wig, a towel, and a pouch of chewing tobacco. He's just having a good time. I guess so. You know? It wasn't, if you're going to have your home invaded. This isn't the worst home invasion I've ever heard of. You know, he didn't steal anything. He't the worst home invasion I've ever heard of. You know, he didn't steal anything.

He had the decency to masturbate in the bathroom. That's nice. Very polite. He had TVs in the living room. He very well could have just been jerking off in the living room. Could have come all over your pillows, come all over your bed. He didn't take any of their food. He brought his own food.

That's amazing. Which is amazing. He brought his own weed. He brought his own weed. He brought his own weed. He clocked in like he was working a 9 to 5. Not only that, I mean, he was keeping that diet tight. Nick Ross. He did use their helicopter without permission.

That is true. And he did use their batteries. He rifled through their stuff to find batteries. Sure, sure. But he also put the batteries in the helicopter. I mean, that's an inconvenience that nobody likes to do. No, ma'am. I hate putting batteries in things. It's a time waster.

You know, it's a real bummer. Yeah, absolutely. Jackie, you got a dildo inside of you. You're shaking all around. The battery dies. That's a pain in the ass. It would be nice if this fella broke into your place. Why do you need batteries in? It's fine. It's inside of you. Oh, you don't use the vibrator with the battery. I mean, I don't have one, but I imagine if you did, isn't it still just a dick?

No, you gotta shake it around! It's gotta move! It's gotta be alive! No, no, no, no, no, no. If you're using the vibrator, that's like an outside type thing. That's an outie. That's just shoving in and out. Also, by the way, Jackie is such a horrible alcoholic, her shaky hands allow it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good point. She doesn't need batteries. I only do it before I get a drink in me. Yeah. That's a very, very good point. She doesn't need battles. I only do it before I get a drink in me. That's a very, very good point. So what's happening to this poor masturbator? I hope nothing happens to him. Did he get to cum? Did he finish the job?

I mean, he's being charged with burglary and larceny. What did he steal? What is larceny? I think larceny is essentially theft. It's burglary. It's a crime involving the wrongful acquisition of the personal property of another person. So they're charging him. The helicopter.

The helicopter. It's the same crap twice. They're charging him. Oh, come on. Now, burglary is breaking in. Larceny is stealing something. Now, does that mean that Ed's family from way back when is a bunch of thieves and criminals? Because they gave people last names like Schumacher or whatever.

It was a shoemaker. Indeed. So a Larson would be a thief and a burglar. Not even his father's real name. It was Lippy

or Lipschitz. Oh yeah, because they said a bunch of garbage out of their mouths. My father actually stole the name. He stole that name. Oh! He never paid his father for that stage name. Eddie's grandfather played the sax.

Oh! His father stole the name. Interesting. And he's still running loose. Let me tell you guys, did you know that the man sitting next to me is not the only Ed Larson out there? I did not know.

There's a scientist. No, he is an historian and legal scholar. There's a scientist also, and there's also a woodcarver. Would we say that our Ed is the dumbest Ed? Do we have the stupidest one? I think we can say so. There's another Kevin Barnett who's like a

comedy writer, which is dope because friends from high school might Google me and shit and they look at my IMDb and they're like, oh shit, man, I didn't know you wrote Hall Pass. I'm like, yeah. Hall Pass is a great motion picture. Did you use that yet with the ladies? Oh, you have to bring that up.

How do you know there's an Eric Larson out there? He stole Eddie's name because I was going to make him Eric Larson? Oh, you have to bring that up. You know, there's an Eric Larson out there. He stole Eddie's name because I was going to make him Eric Larson. Oh, Eric Larson. It's a Viking, isn't it? Comic book writer. He created and wrote Savage Dragon. Well, you did a good job, Mama Kathleen, calling him Ed Larson.

Ed's a perfect name for a big, fat, sweaty monster like that. Actually, it's Mother's Day, and these people here may sound like they're crazy, but I think our bedroom doors were open a little bit too much. Everybody out there? But I must say that they are wonderful, wonderful kids.

And happy Mother's Day to all their moms. That's right. That's very nice. Bringing the heart to the round table. That's nice. Now, if your last name's Lipschitz

Does that mean you used to eat shit? Yeah yeah yeah Does that mean you put poo poo on your lips as lipstick And go kiss girls? But you're pretty lippy Mama Kathleen how did you come up with the name Ed? Why did you name Ed, Ed? Ed's named after my dad

His name was Edward And when he was passing away, he wanted a grandson. And I said, you know what? I'll do you a favor. Since you're going to meet God, I'm going to name my son because I know I'm going to have a boy. And it's going to be Edward. And your father, he never got to see how big and disgusting Ed was. So he really won out.

Oh, he's still clapping in heaven. Ed's drinking his beer for him down there. Every time I talk to Ed, I'm like, well, I'm drinking for two. I'm drinking for two. It's like, Ed, you're not pregnant. You're just fat. You're just married.

I'm eating for two. Marcus, what's up, buddy? I got a story from China. Let's do it. Yeah! Chinese state media say two girls have died after eating poison yogurt placed outside their kindergarten at the direction of the head of a rival school. Wow! I love this.

The Xinhua News Agency says police believe the poisoning was motivated by competition for students between the schools. It says the woman confessed that she injected the yogurt with rat poison and asked a man to place it with notebooks on the road to the rival kindergarten. But these kids are just eating any yogurt they find in the random hallway? You can't just eat something anywhere. Yeah, especially not if you're in any Asian country. I just think they're excited to see food. Yeah, that could be the case. There was a little rat poison in there. So what was the point?

How many kids can you take out with a couple of things of yogurt? Two. And that's pretty much the maximum kill count with that, right? I suppose so. I think one kid per cup, I guess. Yeah, that's it. That's pretty weak. Not really. I mean, these are

kindergartners. How bad is the rivalry? It's serious. Is there a baseball game or something coming up? No, man. Everybody there is all freaking out about their career and stuff. There's so many people there and everybody's just competing at the highest level

to get decent jobs. It's just like, you know, Asians are the most interesting race in the world. No doubt. It's like, whenever you forget, it's like, sometimes you're like, oh shit, I forgot them people made ninjas. All of them. Animated everything. They do something to remind you, they've won.

Is that why they walk that way? Is that why I'm really upset now? Is that why they walk that way? With their why I'm really upset now? Is that why they walk that way with their feet so close together? Because their belly aches? Wow, the most racist thing was that said by Jackie about the ads. I didn't say it. I believe it, and I appreciate it. And I have noticed that the second time in a row,

the most racist thing that has been said on an episode that Mama Kathleen has been on has been said by Mama Kathleen about Chinese people. Show me the real funny. America. America. What happens to a Chinese man that marries a Japanese girl. They just fall in love? Their children get eye slanted

the opposite direction. I think this is, you know, and that's just one of those classic jokes. I mean, that's really,

that's what started Ed out on comedy. So you're doing much better, Ed. You're doing much better. much better. Happy Mother's Day, everybody. I love that you're our mother for the round table.

Mama Kathleen. Really wonderful. These girls are just lucky they were actually still alive. No, they died. They died. Well, no, I'm saying at five years old as a girl in China. It's not easy being born in China as a gal. That's for damn sure.

Absolutely. I mean, obviously, you know what? Natural selection then. I mean, they weren't good enough. They ate the fucking yogurt. Probably other fucking girl Asians did not eat the yogurt. They're better than they are. And now they're gone.

Yogurt spoils in the street. Sure. Sure. I have another angle on this one. Okay. Zingshua, that would be the police department, the news agency, said Thursday that the girl's grandmother found the books and yogurt and took them home. The children suffered convulsions after drinking the yogurt and died later. The grandmother...

There's no free yogurt in life. I didn't even know they had milk in China. Oh, yeah, sure. They got a bunch of different kinds of cows they can milk. Kobe beef. Or is that Japan? That's Japan. Ah.

So the grandmother did it. So the grandmother is the reason because this cheap ass fucking grandmother saw some free yogurt, brought it home for the grand conceit, and the grandkids died. This is the grandmother's fault. Not even the woman who poisoned the yogurt. She didn't know they were for kids.

She's just putting them in the street. It's very interesting. Good story. just putting him in the street. It's very interesting. Good story. I thought that one would do better. Well, we could try. It's not the story's fault. Let's all try to make one good joke about this story.

Jackie, go. Kevin, you did yours. That's good. That was Mama Cat's least joke. I stole it! Kevin, you did yours. That's good. That was Mama Kathleen's joke. I stole it. Like that grandmother stole that yogurt. Yogurt, more like no-gurt. No-gurt's good.

Shut up, it's mine. I like no-gurt. Sometimes eating healthy isn't so good for your health. That's kind of a fun thing I'm going to go end it I have to this is sometimes

because yogurt's great it's got to get better got to get better Mama Kathleen just give me a joke to say me? yeah give you a joke

I don't have it it's brilliant neither do I all I know I wouldn't have had I wouldn't have had eye surgery if I was Chinese I don't even had eye surgery if I was Chinese.

I don't even know what that means. I agree. That is so racist, I don't even understand it. It's like a new level of racist. My grandfather was Archie Bunker number two. You only get that after you're 40. Yeah. Indeed. All right.

Let's come back to America. Let's come back to America. We had a nice journey over to China,. Let's come back to America. Let's come back to America. Please. We had a nice journey over to China, but let's come back to America. Let's come back to West Virginia. Okay. One Fayette County man is dead after he and an accomplice tried to steal copper wire by shooting down high-tension power lines with a rifle.

How did he die doing that? How did you die shooting fire lines out of the sky? Fayette deputies and rangers from the National Park Service found the man's body tangled up in downed lines Wednesday morning in the Bayrou Mountain Wildlife Management Area

near Thurmond. The apparent cause of death was electrocution. It was just being an idiot. How does that conversation start? All right, I shot down the wires. Now go ahead and pick them up. Oh, I'm wrapped in them! Oh, this is what a

top security situation has occurred. I mean, that is the one word that is hilarious to me. He was found wrapped in the wires. Yeah, I'm rolling around. No, no, not wrapped. Tangled up. Tangled up in the wires.

Yeah, geez, Louise. You know, he's got to be a good shot, though. Yeah. Like, power lines, that's impressive. I mean, he had a full box of bullets. I mean, how does the conversation even start with this scenario? Why steal the copper wire? You can sell it.

You can sell it. People do that all the time. It's a lot of work, though, isn't it? And this is a big problem. I searched for more stories involving this exact same incident. It's happened in West Virginia, Missouri, and Arkansas. Those are three places that I could have guessed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Seems about right. In fact, in Missouri, or actually in Jonesboro, Arkansas, a man took 50 lines down, and the copper that are in them is actually worth about five grand. So about $100 per wire. I didn't even understand it. So the copper is in the wire that they shot down. I thought they were protecting a copper wire factory or something with these electric fences,

and they were trying to get into the... No, they were getting the actual copper. Which is funny, because I actually learned that from The Wire, the show. That's a big lucrative thing for crackheads and stuff, to get copper and just sell it off. In the South, it's a meth head thing. It just sounds like a very difficult thing to pull off. I mean, the defenses of this just go to a bank and steal money.

Go steal gold or something like that. Well, why are you shooting down power lines when you're looking for metal? Just go get metal somewhere else. Go to a dump. Get it from a dump. Copper is not as common as you might think. And copper brings a lot of money down at the old scrap plant.

Yes, it does. Indeed. I used to sell scrap metal. Oh, yeah? How was that experience for you? What did you have to say? I was just going to say how surprised I was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You go around to all the different pastures. There's a ton of metal that's just kind of left out in fields, and you gather it all up and you take it to the scrap metal place, and you sell it. How much money were you getting, man? I mean, it's not good money, but when you're bored, and you kind of want like 75 bucks for a full day's

work, you can do it. You were like the Asian of Texas. Yeah! Yeah, like those fucking assholes who go through your trash. But except we were getting drunk and just driving around fields looking for like abandoned plows and shit. So you're worse. You're worse than them.

It was great. All right. That sounds good. I cherish childhood memory. So you would just get drunk, drive around and look for metal. Yeah. All right. What did you do, Mr. High and Mighty?

You know, Sega Genesis and just try to fuck chicks. That's a selfish thing for you to do, man. You didn't need to do that. Why not? Think all the crackheads was out there trying to sell this metal. They can't find none. We didn't have any crackheads. And mess didn't come to

my area of Texas until well after I was gone. Dude, there's crackheads out there sucking dick because they can't find metal. They can't find metal. We had one crackhead in town, Willie Joe, but Willie Joe did his own thing. He was fine. He had to suck dick because all the metal was gone. He was on welfare. He was on welfare.

He was fine. What's the amount of money you need for a week for a healthy crack addiction? Why are you looking at me? Because. You need information, man. Yeah, you've got all the news. I feel like it's $100 a week for all the crack you need for that week. And a hole in your body.

A hole in your body, which is good. And then you just got to get that pipe. I say $250. $250? I think that's way more than you need. Yeah, I think that's too expensive. It's like $10 for a dime. These guys need more than a dime to get through the day.

Probably two dimes. Some days you get three. It's about $150. Alright, alright. We'll see. Marcus, any answers to this question? Let's see here. What's the average going wage for a nice bag of crack that will keep you high for a couple of hours? I think I guess I'm happy because I know nothing about the buying of crack.

I don't even know how you buy it. I don't know. It's like, what is it? It's a rock, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I bought it before in Minneapolis, and it's just a rock. Yeah. Then you smoke it.

We paid $20 for it. Crack is $80 an 8-ball. Okay. That's a good thing. Yeah, an 8-ball. Okay. That's a good thing. Yeah, an 8-ball is about 3.5 grams. Okay. And from my cocaine days, I do know that an 8-ball is a good amount. However, a crack hit only lasts 3 to 5 minutes.

That's it? Yeah. That's why they're always so mad. What? That's why they're always looking for it, always going for it. Oh, that's the issue. Crack's not the problem. It's the lack of the, that's why they're always looking for it, always going for it. Oh, that's the issue. It's not, crack's not the problem. It's the lack of the crack that's the problem.

We need to get the longevity of crack up. No shit yet. Crack plus. Oh, these poor guys, they're just addicted to the wrong drug. If we just had, like, free crack kiosks. Yes. The world would be a better place. Three to five minutes for, and how much does each hit cost?

I mean, even cocaine doesn't last that long. You do cocaine, you want another toot after, I don't know, a good 20, 30 minutes, depending on how much you do. Yeah, you know. And how much you're drinking and, you know, a whole host of different variables. Sure, sure. Different variables indeed. Mom, you ever do crack?

I think all these are all cracked up. That's about right. That's about right. Mom and Kathleen, what's the hardest drug you've ever done? Me? I try to smoke camel cigarettes. Camel cigarettes. Oh.

When I was nine, I smoked it and threw up. Yeah, nine years old. I couldn't even. I was at a party and they passed me. At a party? At a party. I was sure. At nine?

Not nine. When I was a teenager. Now I'm jumping around. That's what happens when you get 62, Eddie. So anyway. No, Eddie will not be jumping around at 62. He hasn't jumped around at 29. I couldn't even smoke grass.

You couldn't do it. All right. No. I can't inhale. I don't know how to. So I have a cup of coffee and I sit on the street, look outside, and I throw quarters out in the street and watch all the kids try to pick up the quarters, and I scream, That's mine!

That's a game we always play. That's a great, best trip to be on! So, Eddie, this was a game. Is this a real game? Yeah, my grandfather invented it. Okay, so let's talk about that for a second. So the game is you put a quarter on the ground, and when the kid tries to grab it, you go,

that's my quarter, don't touch my quarter. And then, you know, he leaves. And how was the game? How was the game? That's the game. To see how many kids were going to actually scream mommy or cry. This is the game that you taught Ed? His grandfather would then turn around and say,

come here, kid, and they would run away from him. Yeah, no shit! But he'd say, I've given you a dollar. You did a good job. Because he was a fine pedophile. So, Ed, you got a dollar for this? No, no, no. We, literally, I remember being at Disney World with my grandfather, sitting, he's like, watch this.

Puts a quarter on the ground, and we sit down on the bench, and then anytime anyone tried to pick it up, he'd just yell at them. That's amazing. And we just sit there laughing our asses off. It's such an insane game. I don't get the joke. I don't understand.

There's no joke, man. That's just solid parenting. That was his grandfather. And that was from the Lipschultz family. Some people just want to watch the world burn. That's the Ed's grandfather. That is just chaos.

Oh, man. That man got away with so much more than anyone else ever. He was like, and everyone just loved him. We'd go to a Chinese restaurant. He'd be like, I brought my grandson. I want to get him some good chink food. Like, oh, Mr. Lifsholtz, Mr. Lifsholtz, please. There's no chink. It's Chinese.

Alright, alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, uh, you send over a chink and we'll order some food. Oh, and the best thing was happy hours. They loved him. And they all, like, thought he was the greatest thing. And they all just laughing the whole time, having the best time of their lives.

Well, how about selling your Boy Scout cookies on the boardwalk? It's something over there that I can't stop. All right, fair enough. What's up with the Boy Scout cookies? I don't know what you're talking about. Boy Scout cookies? Oh, you want them on the boardwalk? Boy Scout cookies don't exist?

Yes, you used to. They had popcorn. Oh, well, maybe it was some kind of cookies. You know I'm senile. Anyway, you know your pop used to sell different cookies. My candy bars. Your candy bars. My little candy bars.

He would make people buy them. He would just pressure people. He'd be in his wheelchair, his motorized wheelchair, and he's like, buy candy for my grandson. Oh, my yowler. He's like, what's wrong with grandson. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? You don't want to support my grandson? He used to drive. We wouldn't even invite him. He was

so obnoxious. He would drive his wheelchair over a mile to my Little League games, park right behind the batter's right behind my home plate and heckle every kid who went up to bat. Swing! Swing!

How about this? He should say, Kid, tie your shoe. My kid's going to win this game. They used to make him go park his wheelchair by the outfield so he couldn't harass the players. How did they approach him? Like, sir?

I don't remember that exactly. But he loved him. Yeah. There's probably a large difference of opinion about that. I think we all should become a herb. And now it's time for a segment from Home McNeely. Mother's Day messages. Everyone's heard my message.

We're going to go around to Mother's Day messages. Just something simple, sweet to your mother. Marcus is going to decide. I'm going to decide who loves their mother the most. Absolutely. We've already heard my message. I did it at the top of the show. And you are not eligible because otherwise you would already be the winner.

Obviously. Love is in the air. Yes, that's it. All right. Well, who wants to? I guess. So thank you, mother. I love my mother very much.

I don't know. I'm dying. Yeah. No, you're not. You will die if you don't say that. You got to tell her. Tell her more. Tell her more.

Why do I have to? She was nice to me. I don't think you like your mother. I do like my mother. I hate these holidays because it's always like, okay, so, you know, she was nice to me and she gave me a lot of Tombstone frozen pizzas. She's also not dead. She's not dead. She's not dead.

You're talking about her like she's dead. She's dead. No, my mom. No, no, not dead. Love you very much. All right. We are moving along now. I don't know what to say.

What do you say to your mother? Happy Mother's Day. I did. Happy Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day. Very nice to me. I love you, Mom. I love you, Mom.

Thanks for always being there for him.. Thanks for always being there for him. Thank you for always being there for him. Marcus, these things don't count. He's not writing these things. I know. Yeah. I got drunk one time, and I broke a picture.

Silence is better for you. Okay. Thank you. No, I've always enjoyed you, Mother. We might get friends with that. Thank you. Don't talk and we might get friends with that. Okay.

Mom, thanks so much for me and Henry. I just want to say, you know, you're welcome for us not having shot up any place in the past 25 years because we definitely could have been serial killers with the way that we were raised, but we're not fucking serial killers, so you're welcome. I'm saying you're welcome to you, not thank you for fucking anything. I love you, Mom. That was a lie. That's nice.

Our mothers don't listen to this program. I know. My mom will never listen to this fucking program. My mom can't. My mom was into it once. Oh, my goodness. My mom was into it once and literally flew from Florida to New York because she thought that I was living a bad life.

And you were. She was right, though. She actually did. At the time, you were living a horrible life. Yes. So she heard it once, flew here, and then I made her promise not to listen to it ever again. Good, good, good.

Don't change your lifestyle, though. No, no, no, no, no, I won't. Kevin? Oh, yeah. Claudette Barnett. Mom. What no, I won't. Kevin? Oh, yeah. Claudette Barnett. Mom, what up, man? Look. It's harder than you think it is.

Yeah, it is. Right? I will say, I will, you know, to her, thank you for always trying to crush my dreams. She did. And telling me I ain't shit and I won't make it because that allowed me to become a very pessimistic and sad dude. And giving me a ton of hate, which

I project outwardly on my friends to make them feel like they're doing terribly and won't make it as well. That was nice. That's a nice one. This is hard. And of course, Ed Ed your mother is actually here in the room So you can just look at her right in the eye Thanks for coming on the show

And letting me exploit you on Mother's Day I really appreciate that Thanks for all the meat All when I was young And thanks for feeding me constantly Making sure I always was good and plump Thanks for Hitting me with that bag of wood That one time for feeding me constantly, making sure I always was good and plump. Thanks for hitting me with that bag of wood

that one time. Ah, that's right. He was doing take-he was trying to chop the wood for a thing. And he couldn't break it. That's a different time. That's the thing. You know, Eddie comes in here and he's got his side of the story. You hit him in the head with a

phone. You hit him in the head with a bunch of wood. But how bad was Ed as a child to parent? I mean, it must have been excruciatingly difficult to take care of that big monster. He's very loving and caring. He could give the biggest hug when he was little. And I got the shit kicked out of me. He could give the biggest hug when he was little. Well, I couldn't hug him.

He was so big. I couldn't hug him. He was so big. I couldn't hug him as much as he could hug me. So it pissed me off, and I had to give him a crack here, here, and there. What was one of your favorite moments of hitting Ed? When hitting him? Yeah. There's got to be one sad moment. He's not cleaning the room or bringing the garbage or the milk.

Bring the milk, Ed. In Florida, he left a the room or bringing the garbage or the milk. Bring the milk in. We lived in Florida. He left a gallon of milk in the trunk of the car. Unbelievable. 100 degrees. And I had a convertible car that stunk like puke. So I deserved it. You're right.

I'm sorry. What did you do? That's nice, Ed. That's nice, Ed. That's true. I agree with Mama Kelly. So what did you do with him over this gallon of milk that stunk like puke in the back of your car? Made him clean it up.

And then did you hit him physically? Kicked him. Oh, you kicked him. Oh, man. And that's got to feel so good because ham is so warm and soft. She did it for us on foot massage. Any other stories of wonderful abuse

that you've given to Ed before we close out? Because I could hear about this. There was one time I remember it was like we were, like we started laughing because my mom,

you hit me and like you didn't hit me that hard and we were both like laughing about like how hard you didn't hit me. So what would you do if your kid laughed that you didn't hit him. So what would you do

if your kid laughed at you that you didn't hit him that hard? Hit him much harder. Get Dennis' pants off and you spank that butt. Let's do it right fucking now. Get it done. Get it done.

Spank that butt. Spank that butt. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it.

Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. your ass is grass! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! She wins. Thank you so much. I'm sorry for you. Indeed. All right, everybody. Happy Mother's Day. Kevin, you're a close second. I'll never forget that meal.

That was great. You'll never... I'll never forget that meal. Will you ever forgive Eddie for it? No. Can we do... Can you just forgive Ed for it? Why?

Ed, I forgive you. It's not happening! Eddie, your mother hates you! I love him. Happy Mother's Day. Let's stop. Not for that stuff. Let's just say

Happy Mother's Day to everybody out there. Marcus and everybody, you're all good kids. Thank you, Mama. A little bit dirty mouth here and there. I have to bless myself upside down because God won't see the straight way. But anyway, I just want to say happy Mother's Day and God bless everybody here. And I hope you all find success in life. Thank you, Mama. Happy Mother's Day and God bless everybody here and I hope you all find success in life. Aw, thank you, Mama.

Happy Mother's Day. Let's get the fuck out of here. Everyone's fucking crying. Not me, I just got a leak.