The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 145: Not The Funnest Waterslide

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: an Australian boy is arrested while dragging a dead donkey with his truck, another Australian man is arrested for having sex with a pig named Michael Jackson, and a Polish baby is born drunk. Joining the Round Table today: Micah Sherman, Jermaine Fowler, and Jennifer Bartels!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. There's still the same thread. Old Navy burn. Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much

for all of us for being here. Thank you for Kevin Barnett because he knows an attractive woman. She's in the chuckle. Her name is Jennifer Bartell. She's the only attractive woman that you know. Kevin and no other pretty girls will talk to you. you should be very, very grateful for her as well. Things are going to change, man. Things are going to change.

Well, you're dressing very... New shirts, man. Kevin right now looks as if he's reformed, and you look very, very nice, and I think you're going to get that graduate degree after all. It's not going to last. The only shirt he has is nice. It's a beautiful shirt. You look like a cop undercover as a teacher.

It's a real Michelle Pfeiffer look. In a city youth school. So Beelzebub, thank you for Kevin Barnett for bringing an attractive woman into our lives tonight. Amen. Was that a prayer? Thank you, Jermaine. You're welcome.

I'm sorry, Jackie. I am still a woman sometimes. I know it. I know it. That's Jackie. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm fucking here. I have breasts sometimes.

Her shirt's better than Kevin's. Yeah. That's a better version of your shirt. Swag new shirts. All right. Well, it's the roundtable of gentlemen. Who else is around this roundtable? Ed Larson.

Holder McNeely. Yeah! Kevin Barnett, high school girl swag. Here we go. In the Chugla, we got... Hold up! You can't hit on high school girls on our show! I'm not hitting on them, man!

Yes, you are. They're counting me. Their best friends have no love for their father. In the Chugla, we got Micah Sherman. Thanks for being here, Micah. I am glad to be here. Marcus, tell us what's going on in the news. Man, you made that seem so easy because I make it seem so difficult.

It took a while to get into it. Yeah, yeah. You got Jermaine Fowler over there. He's talking with a new hat on. No, it's not new. It's old as fuck. I just found it. I'm happy as fuck.

It looks like it was a part of a jacket. Yeah, there's a zipper on the a jacket It looks like a Bane cap I have a hat with a zipper too It's a pretty cool thing to wear In case your head changes sizes It's good It looks like it was part of a crotch of a pants And your family's so poor

That they just had to make a hat out of the pants That's his sob story My family was so poor We had to make a hat out of the pants. He's got a connecting four piece on it. My family was so poor we had to make hats. Make hats on the pantaloons. That wonderful voice you just heard was Jennifer Bartels. The four mentioned. Marcus, tell us what's in the news!

My God! My God! All right! Get that chant going! Now that's a voice I'll take orders from. No, but seriously, Marcus, what's in the news? There it is. Northern Territory police say a Central Australian man will face court after his 13-year-old

son was caught driving a damaged vehicle with a loaded rifle in the front seat and towing a dead donkey. Well, how is he supposed to get the fucking donkey home? What's he going to carry it? He's not a donkey. Donkeys are the carrying kind, so you've got to drag him in the fucking car. The car is a mechanical donkey. What if it comes back to life?

You've got to have that gun loaded and ready to go in case you're fighting a zombie donkey. Since when are there laws in Australia? Was that just the quickest improv about a donkey ever, or was that premeditated? Marcus, what else is in the news? I mean, it wouldn't be a story if the car had died and the donkey was pulling it along. It's no difference, right? And free wholeheartedly. Two other firearms, a 20-gauge shotgun, and a high-powered.243 rifle,

and 100 rounds of ammunition were found in the backseat of a dual-cab utility. And good for him, because he shot a donkey. You know what I mean? In America, I'd be scared shitless, but he's just a little kid with lots and lots of guns. You don't know that he shot the donkey. We do not have the donkey's cause of death. Oh, come on. It couldn't be natural.

It was natural. Death by dragon. I think he just dragged it to death. It couldn't run anymore. At least the donkey wasn't in the backseat, and he was dragging the loaded rifles behind the car. They would go off. Yeah. That's right, they would go off.

They would go off. They would go off. That's how guns go. They would go off. They would go off. Stop driving me! Sassy donkey. That donkey is sassy. That's the guns going off. Stop driving me. Youassy donkey. That donkey is sassy.

That's the guns going off. Stop driving me. You better pull this car over. Get that donkey out of the back seat. What's the most dangerous gun to pull behind a car, Micah? Gatling gun. Top gun. Gatling.

Bazooka. All of those are possible. Pistol Pete Maravich. The fastest gun in the West? That might get you in a bit more trouble than pulling a donkey. Is he still alive, Pistol Pete? I think he died actually a few years ago. Okay.

I think he did. Kevin, why do you think that is? Why don't you think people respect the donkey? I mean, it's a working man's animal. They don't want you. You can't ride them for that long. Yeah. Okay.

They're useless. You cannot. You can ride them down the Grand Canyon Like down the really scary trails How long does that take? 7 to 10 minutes That's a long time You can ride a donkey longer than you can ride a goat

Oh is that true? Yeah I'll take that as fact That's a thing that I just made up I believe it though Goats are small You can ride a donkey longer than a man in a donkey costume Most times You're right, donkeys do not get respect

However, I posit As exhibit A, the donkeys do sometimes get respect Annual mule days Something we talked about before Which is a celebration of the donkey And it's sterile cousin, the mule I thought you were going to say if they could box very well, then the donkey gets a lot of respect.

They also have a terrible pair of shoes named after them. What's that, the donkey? The mules. The mule shoe? Yeah, the mule. What generation is this? 80s thing? No, it's like a clog.

It's like a clog, yeah, a mule. It's a woman shoe. Jackie, have you heard of the mule shoe before? I've heard of a mule shoe. It's a clog. What does it do? What's the point of it? Can you run in it? It's shoe. Jackie, have you heard of the mule shoe before? I've heard of a mule shoe. It's a clog. What does it do? What's the point of it? Can you run in it? It's sturdy. It's sturdy and it's small and it keeps you upright. I definitely don't want a girl who walks like a mule.

I'll tell you that much. No, definitely not. The shoe is not named after the animal. Rather, the term derives from the ancient Roman Muleus Calcius, a red or purple shoe worn by the three highest magistrates. Muleus Calcius, a red or purple shoe worn by the three highest magistrates. Muleus Calcius. Jennifer.

Wait. So a miniature horse and mules and ponies are all different, but can you ride a miniature horse for longer than a donkey? Yeah, like one of those mini bikes. I don't know. Let me go to the Wikipedia page and find out. You can definitely ride it longer than a dog in a bumblebee costume. Okay.

That's a fact. That's science, man. Mike, you've been killing it today with the science. He knows all about it. Jennifer, if you had a choice between the croc shoe, which is very popular, or the mule shoe, which one are you going to take? What's on the line? Can I say no to both?

You cannot say no to both. You have to say yes to one. My love is on the line. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Well. You can say no to both. You have to say yes to one. My love is on the line. You can say one of each, though. I would go with the Crocs because they're stylish. They're fun. You can buy them at local vendors. They come in different colors.

No, like the 50 to 60 year old age group. If you're a nurse, someone finds them stylish. Now, it's not me, but in this world that we've just created, because I have to, that I enjoy the hell out of a croc. I have them in numerous colors, and I wear scrubs. But you're not divorced.

And I got divorced. Have I gotten divorced? You're not divorced. They're for people with terrible lives, aren't they? Don't. No. They're chefs. They're chefs.

People love crocs. Crocs are great. And Jennifer, you answered correctly. Thank you. And now I love you. Miniature horses cannot be ridden by anyone over 70 pounds. So you'll be fine, Jermaine.

Is it sadder to pull a miniature horse or a dog? I just fall in love with the horse. I just want to watch Jermaine having sex with a huge woman just getting thrown around a room. Oh, I wish you were a miniature horse. By the way, you can do practically anything you can do with a large horse with a miniature horse. In Mexico. Good to know.

That is according to the state. And this is all according to the American Miniature Horse Association. Oh, horse fuckers. Horse fuckers. They're definitely biased. The AMHA. I'll tell you what, though, and I've learned from experience, you. Oh, horse fuckers. Horse fuckers. They're definitely biased. The AMHA. I'll tell you what, though, and I've learned from experience,

you cannot milk a horse. No. It's not going to work. Well, you can milk a horse, but it won't be milk. It'll be something else. Have you tried to milk a horse? It'll be blood.

Milk anything. Well, yeah, absolutely. I tried to milk everything growing up. Yeah, it's all there was to do on the tiny farm that I lived on. Okay. You can milk a horse. What?

Yeah. How? Mayor's milk is called k You can milk a horse. What? Yeah. How? A mare's milk is called kumis. Kumis. Really? Horse nut. And it remains important to the peoples of the Central Asian steppes

of Hungo-Bulgar, Turkic, and Mongol origin, such as the Bashkirs, the Kalmyks, the Kazakhs, the Kyrgyz, the Mongols, the Uyghurs. I feel like these people are fucking alien. Oh yeah, the Uyghurs? The Uyghurs are alien. For a full minute, it's just a really shitty list a drunk person made. It sounded

racist. I couldn't think of one stereotype about any of those people. And don't, let's not forget the Yakuts. You can think about a stereotype. You wake up one day, a Yakut, just fucking blow your brains out. I'll hang out with them Yakuts, man, drinking that horse milk.

It's a Russian thing. These are all former Russian Soviet states. I see. Very, very few options. Russians will do anything. Yeah, and Rinchingin Indra. What? Rinchingin Indra.

Okay. He's a leading horse milk... Expert. Yeah. He says, It takes considerable skill to milk a mare. Was that Russian? Was that a Russian accent?

No. It takes considerable skill to milk a mare. There it is! Michael, he just challenged you, man. The milker kneels on one knee with a pale prop on the other, steadied by a string tied to an arm. One arm is wrapped around the mare's rear leg and the other in front. A foal starts the milk flow and is pulled away by another person,

but left touching the mare's side during the entire process. Why do you have to touch the side? Because you need to have the mare and the foal in constant contact. Someone to suck that dick. Or else the mare's going to know something's up. It's going to freak out. Horses are dumb animals. I see, I see.

Can you milk a donkey? Yeah. I mean, if you can milk a horse, you can milk a donkey. Anything with tits. Yeah, I think anything that can create life. Mammals, I think. Mammals, yeah. You can milk any mammal.

You definitely can milk a bird. Anything willing to get that dick and get milked, man. No, no. Sorry?als, I think. Mammals, yeah. You can milk any mammal. You definitely can milk a bird. Anything willing to get that dick and get milked, man. No, no. Sorry? Again, horrible segue. You're just wanting to say the word dick. So what's happening with this gentleman who was pulling the donkey with all the guns in his car? Well, Sergeant Conan Robertson, the man who stopped him,

said members of the Southern Traffic Operations Unit were conducting a rural patrol when they pulled over the ute for a roadside breath test. Conan said, Police found a 13-year-old boy driving the unroadworthy vehicle with a loaded.22 bolt-action rifle in the front seat. The rifle had nine rounds in the magazine and one round in the chamber. The vehicle was unroadworthy with severe damage to the front end, and the bonnet was held down with a tie-down strap. Oh, because he hit the donkey with the car. Oh, yeah! You're kicking it out!

He's certainly not killing it with a.22. He's got two, like, wussy guns. He's got a 20-gauge shotgun and a.22 rifle. How the fuck do you know about the powers? From the Tallahassee providers! And he used to own an AK, man. I owned a 20-gauge shotgun at one point. Really?

Yeah, that's a shitty, shitty shotgun. It's meant for, like, shooting birds. I'm still failing to see where the guns play in this whole story. He was delivering the guns to his father who was hanging out at a nearby cattle station.

There it is. Who was he delivering the donkey to? I think the donkey was just for himself. That's a bad deal to make. A donkey a week to the The devil That's a bad deal to make A donkey a week to the devil That's a rough one to fill It's only Tuesday, Michaels

The terrible thing is he sold his soul To be able to do that Right Do more labor Well, that's wonderful I feel like this story is a powerful thing He was arrested, right? Well, he was arrested. I feel like this story is a powerful thing. He was arrested, right? Yeah, well, he was arrested but returned to his father.

The father is being charged in this case. He's a minor, right? He summons for numerous offenses, including delivering a firearm to an unlicensed person, failing to secure a firearm, and permitting an unlicensed shooter to possess a firearm. And he can't drive. Was the kid drunk? That's what they pulled him over for. Not like the donkey.

They thought that surely a man who is dragging a donkey behind his fucked up truck must be drunk. What did the underside of that donkey look like? I've got a picture. I want to see that picture, man. It doesn't look that bad. Oh, you know, it's just a dead donkey being drugged behind a truck.

That's exactly how I pictured it. Yeah, he's a little stretched out. Nothing too bad. Sure. He was stretched out. That was a really long donkey. Yeah, everyone's some water over that. A little-known breed, the Australian long donkey.

That's what you call a longkey, so that's a lot of fun. Marcus, what else is in the news? I just thought of that, though, man fun Marcus what else is in the news? I just thought of that though man You know why this is fucked up? Because this kid got in the news Dragging this donkey across the ground right? My neighborhood in high school There was this black dude

He was Haitian by the way So that's a little And he dragged the Dalmatian All the way through like 20 miles He dragged the Dalmatian Did it live? No Oh no

Was he a Haitian fireman? No, man. Haitian fireman. That was funny. It didn't get in the news, man. That did not get in the news. That's how they put out the fires. They just bang a dog on the fire.

No more dog on the fire. He's just making a bigger fire. Dalmatians on fire. He's killing a lot of dogs. He's just on the fire! He's just making a bigger fire. He's killing a lot of dogs. He's just feeding the fire. Wait, wait, Adim, did he mean to? Or was it like, come on, Sparky, get in the truck? I think it was an accident. He fucked up.

Haitians aren't really thinking clearly a lot of the time. Yeah, they don't value life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that didn't make the news, man. If he was white, it would have made the news. Yep. That's why this kid's on the news, man. Racism.

Racism. Think about it. How can a black man get in the news these days by dragging an animal behind his car? What do you have to do? What kind of animal do you have to drag? A whale. What if it's a dinosaur or something?

It has to be something that applies to modern science. It's tough out there. It's tough. All right, Marcus. Let's do another story. We're going to stay in animal news now. Yes, yes, yes. And also, we're going to stay in Australia.

Of course. Why not? A man charged with having sex with a pet pig called Michael Jackson on a northern town. And that's all I got. There's no more details to the story. It's just a guy who fucked a pig named Michael Jackson. That pig is Michael Jackson reincarnated

getting punished for his sins. Well, I do have one more detail. NT News understands Michael Jackson had to be shot following the incident. Why? Why did he get punished? Once you go black, you never go back i guess so why what does it why it was tainted no they didn't it just all it says the incident happened at

al young gula on groot alien uh-huh would you knowingly fuck a pig that you know i mean would you knowingly eat a pig that you know was fucked by a man? It's fine, yeah. They'd more tend to problems. I feel like I have. There's one time I was eating a pig's asshole, and I was like, this tastes a lot like dick. You smelled around. You're like, it tastes like my dick. Somebody must have been fucking this Michael Jackson. Yeah, that's fine.

That's not so bad. Is there a picture of Michael Jackson? No, there's no picture of Michael Jackson. Man, what kind of pig was he? It was a pet pig. It was a cute pig. Oh, so one of the tiny ones? It could have been a Vietnamese pot-bellied pig. I will say, actually, This American Life

recently did a story where they uncovered that calamari, a lot of times, is actually pig anus. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What? That's all news. You're eating pig ass. A lot of times we order calamari at a restaurant. Really? Wow. Well, it tastes amazing. Yeah. That's good. Does that change? Why not just call it pig ass. A lot of times we order calamari at a restaurant. Really? Wow. Well, it tastes amazing.

Yeah. That's good. Does that change? Why not just call it pig ass? That can't be pig. Yeah, I don't know. That's probably like pig eyelashes. I don't know.

The pig uses latisse. Those are really good. Very much so. They make the pig up before they kill it. Real pretty. Sally, you're going to look beautiful. Power of marketing. Jackie, if you had a choice, if you saw pig ass on a menu, would you ever order that,

even if you knew it tasted just as good as calamari? Because I would. I love calamari. As long as it's fried, I don't give a fuck. Yeah, right? Fry anything. I'll eat it. Yeah.

And you know somewhere, too, in some snooty cool place in L.A. or New York, they have that already. You know what I mean? But it's called pig ass. You know? You get it marinated in vegan butter or something. Have you guys ever had chicken hearts before? Yeah, absolutely. Chicken hearts, chicken gizzards,

chicken livers. You've had all the chicken. Liver is the shit. They were all fried. You get them, they're always at truck stops. Specifically Pinky's in Lubbock, Texas. Okay. Is that Chitlins? Is that what Chitlins is? Chitlins is pig and tins. Oh, okay.

It's the doo-doo and all that shit. Have you had a Chitlin before, Jermaine? No, my dad used to eat them and it smelled like shit. It smelled like shit. It is shit, sort of, right? My dad used to eat kimchi. What's kimchi? Oh, kimchi's great.

It's Korean fermented cabbage. Oh, well, that's not nearly as bad as animal feces. I think it is. Why? Seaweed. cabbage. That's not nearly as bad as animal feces. I think it is. Why? You either like kimchi or you don't, I think. It's like rotten food, essentially. It's pickled.

It's sweet. I love pickled things. You get a pickled kimchi or a shit animal shoe. I'm not eating that. I don't eat girls'es I'm not gonna eat a pig's ass you let a girl put a finger

in your butt one time yeah I had no choice in that you fingered a butt or you had someone put his finger

in Kevin's butt something like that it happens so what happened so you're out with a young lady she bought you a bunch of drinks

you took her back to your place she's 15 let's assume she was 16 like a fresh and tight man you know this could all a young lady. She bought you a bunch of drinks. She took her back to your place. She's 15. Let's assume she was 16. Yeah, yeah. And, uh... I like it fresh and tight, man.

You know? She fingered... This could all really come back and haunt you. Keep going, Kevin. Keep going. Who let Pat Dixon in here? Pat Dixon.

New York City Crime Report. Yeah. Listen up. CaveComedyRadio.com. She fingered your butt, though. She didn't ask, man. But she just went in there and did it. That's always the best way to go about those things.

Yeah, immediately. Then she didn't have time to moisturize, so she just jammed it. Straight A hurt. Why would you do that? Why would you jam? Why would anybody jam? You've got to ease. You've got to ease.

Well, when you ease. You've got to ease and ask. Now there's a finger in your anus and what happened? I screamed. You screamed? Can you recreate that for us? No, it was like the Looney Tunes. The ease.

And then what was her reaction? Was she upset or shocked that you didn't enjoy this? This girl went through a lot of things, man. Did you cum? No. She jammed a finger in my... It hurt for weeks.

What? How sensitive is your ass? No, that totally... If you're not ready for it, you're all puckered up. You're all, you know, just... Yeah, yeah, yeah. She scratched? Like hard.

Was it more than one finger? You hope not. Man, it felt like it. It felt like a whole hand fell out there, man. You know, if you have something unexpectedly go up your ass,

it feels like everything unexpectedly went up your ass. Question, do you still have a watch in your anus? I have one girl, she slid her whole side of her hand

down my butt crack one time. Like a credit card yeah yeah that's a fun game to play with people accepted such a bizarre place to be touched that's so weird why would you oh no that's so weird i was like what the fuck she was like i don't know i was like all right don't do that again did it ruin the whole mood or were you able to continue? I couldn't continue.

I feel like you shouldn't make a sexual move if someone asks you what the fuck and your answer is I don't know. Ask yourself, am I going to know? And if you don't know, then don't do it. There's no point to it. She didn't have the confidence to tell me what she was trying to do. Just try and shut it out. It's like fusion. You know, sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn't work. Yeah, science. How is creditor debit like fusion? Well, I don't know. Like jazz fusion. Like nuclear fusion? No, like jazz. Like Asian fusion.

That's exactly what she did. She credited and debited you and then sucked On like that coin rack Or whatever it is That was a change I was gonna say Like that same girl She also like Wanted to be peed on

I didn't even know What the fuck is wrong With the pee I wanted to do it Because it was hilarious Yeah yeah I thought it was hilarious But I just didn't know

When that was supposed to happen Like when do you You go on When she's in the tub Two ways You've done this I've not done it But but I have researched it. You know what Ben Kissel has?

I have tried to pee on people three times. They were just too quick? I'm a super... Get back here! Get over here! How'd you get out of that duct tape? I'm a super nervous peer. If someone comes and stands next to me at the urinal, I can't pee.

You like one of those, too? Yeah, and so if you're in a bathtub going, pee on me, I'll be like, sure, I'll give it a shot. And nothing comes out. Wait, so you're supposed to lay in the bathtub and then a guy just pisses on you? Yeah, I think so. Or you can put down a tarp. That's gross. Either way. Why would you pee on the tarp? I don't get it. No, they lay on the tarp and then you guy just pisses on you? Yeah, I mean, I think so. Or you can put down a tarp. That's gross. Either way.

Why would you pee on the tarp? I don't get it. No, they lay on the tarp, and then you pee on them. Oh, but you slip and slide. The bathtub is right there. And you run, and you slide down it. But is there anything sexual

that happens before or after? Or is it like, all right, let's lay down on that tarp. Yeah, it's totally sexual, yeah. But I mean, what do you do? Is it before or after? Well, people just like liquid on them from the different bodies and shit.

It's gross. Like squirters and shit squirter to me I can accept squirting is great but is it squirting peeing squirting anywhere

no squirting is not peeing it's different I heard it smells really bad female ejaculate and it smells great it does

I heard it smells like it's fantastic it's sugary it's sugary isn't it like a shameful thing that's what it's like

being shamed sometimes gets people off and stuff I wouldn't know but yeah there's a full erection under the table right now yeah but they make you like act like a dog and like beg for it shamed sometimes gets people off and stuff. I wouldn't know, but yeah. There's a full erection under the table right now. They make you act like a dog and beg for it.

Yeah, the peeing on somebody is sort of like a humiliation fantasy and power play. Right. What's poop then? That's mental illness. Means you're a millionaire. That's being German. Got you on the question.

Me and Kevin had a conversation About this a couple weeks ago About which is gayer Having a dude's dick in your mouth Or tossing a dude's salad Definitely tossing a dude's salad No no no Licking an asshole Is a thousand times gayer

Than sucking a dick No you guys are all wrong. No, man, it's fucking gross. I'll tell you why. You would eat a dude's ass rather than even be a blowjob. Absolutely. That's not. The question was what is gayer, not what you would rather do.

No, the argument we had was what would you rather do. You can quote me on this on the round table, gentlemen, whatever you guys have. All right, mark it down, Marcus. All right. Mark it. Now, I will say this before we begin. Know that a blowjob has a definite end. But no, that's the thing.

We're talking about a time limit. Eating an ass has a definite end. Eating an ass has a possible end as well. Yeah, but think about a dude's warm, sweaty, hairy asshole. Asshole, dude. This dude is like a guy who grew up playing football. I'm the guy. Fine.

Working all day long. Eddie's ass. Working all day long. First of all, it's going to smell like shit. Yes. And that has no sexual connotations to me at all, so I'm just going to eat the shit out of it. Dick, you can't pretend that's something else. A dick is a something a dude has. I can pretend there's no poop of it. A dick? You can't pretend that's something else. A dick is a something a dude has.

I can pretend there's no poop on it. You guys would rather suck a guy to completion We didn't say completion. I'm not saying I'm doing a good job. We've been talking about being gay. This has nothing to do with being gay. I have never sucked a dick. Okay? Agreed.

I haven't eaten a dude's ass or sucked a dick. I'm not going to do a good job. If I have a gun to my head, I'm sucking a dude's dick. Who knows? You might be amazing. You could be very good. You might be amused. I might help you out.

Are we saying this is grosser or gayer? Like, what are you going with? Gayer. So that's a weird question. Because I have sucked a dick. I've sucked a few. Hi, Jim Bartels. And I will say, I've never licked on a man's anus.

Because men's butts, because it's usually a straight man, too, they don't take care of their butt holes like they should. No one's going down there. They wipe and run. That's the thing, though. We're talking about a gay man. That's grosser. And I feel like a gay man does that. Aren't we talking about a gay man?

No, we're talking about Ed. We're talking about Ed. We're talking about both of y'all are uncomfortable in this situation. Well, Ed's got fucking hemorrhoids, so. Yeah. No, he hasn't right yet. Yeah, dude. So you're sucking on Eddie's hemorrhoids, eating them like fucking spaghetti.

Sucking it through your teeth and shit. He's farting on your face. And you gotta play with it. And you gotta play with it. You gotta play with what? You gotta play with the butthole. And you have to play with the butthole. Fine, you're adding things to this now.

Now it's like, and music, and wine. Like, why don't you guys talk about this? All right, well, let's make it definite then. Either eating out Eddie's asshole or giving a blowjob to Holden. And I'm singing

Mommy the whole time. I am singing Mommy. Are we asking whether what's grosser or what's gayer? Because none of this is gay because none of us are gay.

Okay, look, what would you rather do if you were forced to do it? If I was forced to do it, I would rather eat an asshole. That's just insane. Eddie's asshole over Holden's curly cute dick.

I suck my own dick. I eat my own ass. Let's just move on. We're in the same room doing it. I think Holden has pubic hair on his dick. I'm over this whole conversation. He's like a top. The tip of his dick has pubic hair. You guys are crazy. Why would you want to

have a penis in your mouth? I think I'd rather eat an ass. Thank you, Ed. That's right, because you can close your eyes and pretend it's a girl's ass. You can't. Or a pussy. Nobody's pussy smells

like an asshole. Like an asshole has a smell. I would I would take that. I agree with you. If you wipe from back to front, your pussy smells like an asshole. Oh my God. And you probably have UTIs and a problem. Ladies, side note, don't do that. Always go from front to back.

Also, side note, I use baby wipes. So if anybody wants to eat my asshole out, feel free. Do you feel pedophilic? Nice and clean. Do you feel pedophilic when you do that at all? Do you feel pedophilic when you do that at all? Do you feel pedophilic when you do that? Pedophilic? Like weird?

Why would I feel like a pedophile wiping my own ass with a moist wipe? With baby wipes. It feels weird. We meant moist wipe, not like a big blown up picture of a child. It's not like I have posters of babies and I'm masturbating the whole time while I'm doing it. I just wipe my ass with a moist wipe so it gets all

the fucking stank off. I would love a moist wipe that just had a baby's face on it. Yeah, that would be great. That's what I can't

stop thinking about is a baby open mouth baby. What do you call baby wipes? Baby wipes. I don't know baby wipes.

I call it baby lotion, baby lotion, baby wipes. We call it by its name, but babies, you know, you don't have to use baby lotion on just babies. Kevin, would you think about a baby? Because you're a pedophile. Would you think about babies when you wipe your ass with baby wipes? No, man. What the fuck are you talking about? That is a crazy question.

Because it's for babies. I mean, honestly. It's for babies. I thought. Baby oil shouldn't even go on babies. That belongs on big, round bottoms so that you can see how they shake in the light. All right, if you ate baby food. That's a good point.

You're not supposed to shake a baby. Right. Not a baby's ass. God damn it. So if you ate baby food, you wouldn't think, oh, this might be for a baby at all? I don't eat baby food. If you did. But if I ate baby food, I wouldn't be like, you know what I need to do?

Masturbate and think about babies right now. That sounds weird. I got a story about a baby. Oh, great. A newborn baby was found to be 15 times the adult drink drive limit after its Polish mother got drunk before the birth. What happened? The baby came out drunk? Yeah, the baby came out blowing a 1.2.

Jesus. I just pictured the baby being like, I'm here. Hi, I'm here. Let's do this. Welcome to the world. Here I am. I was in a vagina. Now I'm outside the vagina.

Where am I going? The incubator? I'm going to the incubator. I like that the baby already has vocabulary and it's Bill Cosby's vocabulary. Alcohol. Without the baby over here, could somebody give me a... But I bet the baby at least wasn't screaming. It's probably fine. She's having a fucking great time.

She was wasted. What? Did she survive? Yeah. The baby's life is not in immediate danger, but doctors feared the impact on her development. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Definitely.

It's definitely not the first time she drank. Oh, definitely not. Also, probably definitely not the first time a Polish fucking kid was born drunk. Definitely not. I probably just would rather not know. That's where the stereotype comes from i mean you know some stereotypes all the quades were born i heard yeah i mean it's just nice this baby's came into the world the same way it's gonna go out of the world just piss drunk you know just absolutely wasted and too bad it's gonna be in a week yeah yeah it's not gonna live long i mean it's a quick life when

you think about it like that means that was she in a cab or driving herself chugging vodka? Or out at a bar being like, oops, I pissed or maybe my water broke. She's not southern. She's Polish, but that was my southern question. But you know what I mean? Well, for Polish action, it's just... Is this mother being charged with something?

Doctors in Otwock, Poland called in police after the clearly drunk expectant mother checked in to give birth on Monday. Police spokesman Dorota Tiet said a blood test showed that the 38-year-old woman had a level of 1.2 gram of alcohol at the time of birth.

The level of 1.2 grams of alcohol per 1,000 grams of blood is the equivalent of a bottle of wine or two liters of beer for an adult drinker, but its impact is compounded in a newborn's tiny body. As a result, I actually misspoke earlier, as a result, the infant

was found to have a level of 2.9 grams. 2.9! Oh, wasted! Yeah! Cool! And Poland has a much higher BAC than we do. 2.9 grams. 2.9! Oh, wasted! Yeah! Cool! He's a kid in college. And Poland has a much higher BAC than we do. Theirs is 0.2.

Ours is 0.08. Pronounce the town in Poland and the spokesperson again, please. Otwock? Uh-huh. Is the town. And the spokeswoman, Dorota Tietz. Okay. I think it's pronounced... Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Fuck those Polacks! All right. I think we're testing you. We were edging it, and then it just pushed us. Jermaine is now cleaning a rifle.

It's getting dangerous in here. To answer your question, Ben, she faces up to five years in prison on charges of having endangered the life and health of a child. But she's got to be with the kid. Isn't that really going to be? No, she does not need to be here. She needs to be with the kid. She might not be the worst mother on earth. That's all right.

Man, she was just trying to make it easier. You know, it's also bad to be stressed while you're giving birth. Yeah, I bet that baby just fell right out of her drunk pussy. Your pussy lips get wider as you get drunker. I mean, it's tough. Jennifer, if you were pregnant and you can't drink for nine months,

would you make your significant other not drink as well? Maybe. No, let me rewind and say when she when he said it was just one bottle of wine, in my brain I didn't say it, but I was like, well that's not too bad. That's right. Just one bottle of wine.

You can't drink when you're pregnant, right? You can have a drink. The first trimester you can have a glass of wine, but then you have to throw away all the, you know, can't do any alcohol, no sushi, nothing. So like you have to go through so much punishment

as your body gets fatter and expands so yes I would probably if I do ever have children I mean he probably would still drink it would be closeted

it would be a bad life to the movie is how it would end but it would start with that but you never would want you would never want to see him happy when you were pregnant

so I feel like it's a miserable experience for you it is and so he should be in it with me because his semen is in my body now and it's created a person. My vagina is going to be ripped and

cut open with scissors to pull out a head. So let's be real, that's how babies are born. It's accurate and it's true, guys. That's science. She's got a c-section. That's exactly what a c-section is. As soon as I found out during pregnancy most women shit themselves

you gotta push you gotta push yeah i know that i'll probably i will shit myself i know i don't think i think you're just you're pushing yeah also, if you're shitting yourself when you're in labor, you don't give a fuck. There's so many fluids coming out. Have you ever seen a placenta before? The placenta is disgusting. Yeah, they're disgusting. I'll take five. I'm not going to eat it.

Whenever, if I have a wife, if she gives birth, I'm not in the room. That's fine. You won't be the father, so you don't have to be there. That was a cold bust. Yeah, look at that placenta. That placenta looks like a hamburger. That's a placenta. What the fuck?

So who gives a fuck about shit? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, Marcus just showed us all a nice... People eat that, by the way. They do? Has anybody here eaten placenta before? Like, rosemary's baby. Eat it back in most countries, they eat it, they just...

They eat it, yeah. What is it for? Is it good luck or for health? It's for health. It's supposed to be the most nutrient-rich thing you can eat. Have you guys heard of this? Also magic. Taking a baby's pissy diaper and putting it on your face to keep your face taut?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're supposed to piss on your face for acne reasons. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather have acne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're supposed to piss on your face for acne reasons. Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would rather have acne. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, other than smelling like urine, especially your own. I'm pretty sure you wipe it off with some towels and stuff. Like a baby wipe, maybe.

Yeah, perhaps. Alright, Marcus, what's another story, buddy? It's like everyone's just devastated now. Marcus, stop looking at pictures of placentas. I'm not looking at pictures of placentas. What are you lookingas. I'm looking at a site. Easybabylife.com Easybabylife.com Baby urine questions

answered. Oh, good. Yes, finally. Alright, well, what's the answer as far as acne is concerned? I mean, that's not there. That's not there. This one's my baby's not peeing. Give it water?

Yeah, did you squeeze it? Put it in the tub and squeeze it. It'll fill up with water. Should I scare the baby? By the way, we will be doing a new podcast starting soon, Baby Questions. We'll be answering. It's called Baby Pass. Holden's Baby Questions. Holden, Baby Questions. We'll be answering. It's called Baby Facts. Holden's Baby Questions.

Holden's Baby Questions. I asked Baby Questions to my mommy, and then Ed had been answered there. It'll be good. Holden's Baby Questions. It'll be very powerful. It's all over like a melodic song and shit. Well, did you punch the baby? All right, Marcus, let's get another story.

Let's get out of baby news, if we could. In a fit of anger following a quarrel with his girlfriend, a drunken man cut off his penis and testicles with a pair of scissors. I like it. To prove? He's a man. A 46-year-old man from Xilong City in Taiwan. Of course.

Of course it's Xilong City. Fucking Xilongs. What? Why? Did I miss something about Taiwan? He then flushed his severed organ down the toilet bowl. Really? His girlfriend, whose name and age was not known, could only watch him commit the act in horror.

She rushed the man, who was bleeding profusely by then, to a hospital. Sure. The report said that after the cut, there was only three centimeters of the man's penis that remained. However, he cut off two centimeters of his penis. man's penis that remained. However, he could... Are you telling me he cut off two centimeters of his penis? That's a funny joke. Thank you, Kevin. Funny, man.

However, he could still urinate. Oh, good for him. Good for him. After regaining consciousness, the man could not believe what he did. God, that must have been a fucking gross sight. Oh, yeah. Just a hacked off penis pissing all over the place. Oh, yeah. Just like, hacked off penis, pissing all over the place. Oh, yeah.

Fuck! It's actually worse that he could still piss. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Would he cut off his nuts, too? Yeah. He cut it all off. I mean, well, now it's like, not when he pisses, it just shoots straight out.

Just sprays. I mean, Jackie, if you're in a fight with your boyfriend and he cuts off his dick and his balls, does he win the fight? I win. You win. I win. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you're going to leave his ass and he's going to be sad for the rest of the fucking You win. I win. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because you're going to leave his ass

and he's going to be sad for the rest of his fucking life. Right, right, okay. Yeah, because he has one dick. You have potentially all the dicks in the world. I got all the dicks in the world. Yeah, it's a tricky maneuver

to pull off. Man, you've got to be so fucking mad. Oh, yeah. What did she do to make him so mad? That's what I was thinking. She must have done

something really bad. Usually it's like, fuck you, I'm out. I'm going to go listen to Springsteen in the car. This means this is like level 60. Like dump the trash, like, bitch, I'm talking! And not just the dick,

but the little sack like that. What could a woman say to you that make you so mad that it takes you you get a pair of shears and you just snip. Knife at her breasts? Isn't that what a normal person would do? In Africa, yeah.

I was so close to cutting off my dick. That's what a normal person would do! Is what she said. I'm saying that! She meant it, too. She meant that. You know, like when you get into an argument, you knife at someone's breasts? At the breasts.

Don't touch the breast, though. Just knife at it. Some willy-nilly knife action. Stop stabbing. Like, flirtily. With a butterfly knife just hovering your tits. I know what I'm doing.

What could make you so mad that you go to your own genitals and cut them off? First, you just did math, so go ahead, then whatever this. It had to have been an argument about sex. And you ain't got no dick.

I'll show you what a dick looks like. I made a mistake! Take me to the hospital! Why did I do that? Oh, I win. Well, no, he cut off the balls and dick and then still had the presence of mind to walk over to the toilet

and flush him down the toilet. Wow. These people are just so emotional. They are emotional. He was jumping to conclusions. Maybe she told him that she loved him. Cut your dick off and flush it down the toilet to prove a point. It's a drastic step.

You want to keep the dick and the balls at the very least. I mean, cut it off is one thing. Yeah, put them in milk. Yeah. I feel like it makes sense. Would you just cut your dick off? Just cutting your dick off is lame because then you still have the sad, pathetic balls. At least your dick covers your disgusting balls so you have to see him imagine staring down at only

your balls every day I was like what the then you got to it I was like Jesus what the... Then you got to it. I was like, Jesus. I saw the balls just dancing. I looked down at him. I was like, that is awful. That's the thing. Jennifer, so if you pulled down a dude's pants, would you rather just see balls or rather just see a dick? Like, what's more terrifying? Well, why am I doing this?

Because if it's out of... Like, if I'm doing... See, if I'm pulling down someone's pants, it's because we're about to do something. You're an Austrian whore. Right. So... Sorry? You're like an Austrian prostitute.

Yeah, that's what I am. So this is the set. So I'm in Austria. I'm sorry? You're like an Austrian prostitute. Yeah, that's what I am. So this is the set. So I'm in Austria. I'm turning tricks. That's how we'll start the story. I pull down a man's pants. I mean, I'd rather... Balls are weird to me. They're just... You know, if you ever look at a ball, like I've had lovers where I like watch

the ball because it moves a little. There's like liquid and the ball actually moves. You just watched it. I watched it. It really does. Watch your balls. They move and there's like this, but I don't need that. That's why you can squeeze the skin on the bottom and watch the ball actually moves. You just watched it. I watched it. It really does. Watch your balls. They move and there's like this, but I don't need that. That's why you can squeeze the skin on the bottom and watch the ball move up and down. Yeah, the ball moves around.

Really? Is this a thing that girls do? Yeah, they really do. Pay attention to your body, guys. So how am I supposed to, do I have to jerk off doing a handstand? No, you just, you only have to jerk off.

You just have to do a handstand. Stand next to the air conditioner this summer. Grab your penis. Get that out of the way. And then just watch your balls move around. They will move all over the place. That's crazy, man. That's true?

Are you new about that, too? Yeah, they really move. Is it fun to watch the balls move, or is it disgusting? It's weird. I mean, apparently I seemed excited by it, as I said it a minute ago. So maybe I was. I think, I guess it was interesting. Yeah? It's weird. I mean, apparently I seemed excited by it as I said it a minute ago so maybe I was, I think, I guess it was interesting.

Yeah. It feels unrelated. Like, it feels like that's not connected to your brain. Isn't that the balls? Is it retracting? The scrotum's retracting?

Yeah, the scrotum's moving around and the testicle's moving around inside the scrotal sac. That would explain why I woke my parents up one night screaming that I thought a bird was trapped

in my ball sack. Yeah. It's hatching! You hatching a ball? Yeah, I was just like, there thought a bird was trapped in my ball sack. It's hatching! You hatching a ball? I was just like, there's a bird in there. There's a bird in there, mommy. Are there any girls who love balls? Are there any ball

girls? You have huge balls, Ed. So women actually... As big as he was a baby is his balls. Yes. Massive. And so you actually get with girls who love big nuts. It seems like it.

Is that a fetish for girls? Did I tell you that? I have already gone way ahead of you on Yahoo Answers. Okay. Is it normal for a woman to be fascinated with testicles? I just love playing with my boyfriend's testicles. I love the way they hang. I love holding them. I just think they with my boyfriend's testicles. I love the way they hang. I love holding them. I just think they are so hot.

He likes the attention, but he also tells me I have a fetish, and most girls are not like me. Is he right? Am I some sort of freak? Best answer chosen by Asker. They are fun to play with, aren't they? Lol. I miss you, Karen.

You know, it's bad when Eddie has the number one answer. Let me ask you guys a question. This is for the men and the women in the room. Everyone knows. No, we got goats, but they're outside. It's fine. For the women, it's going to be a different answer than men.

When I come, my right nut goes up. Me too. Up in my bullsh- I have to physically plop it back out. I have to push it back out. It goes up into the pelvis. Is that unattractive?

I don't think they notice. By that point, it doesn't matter. I'm kind of embarrassed by it. And you're right, Eddie. I'll be done coming, and I'll only have one nut hanging there. Really? They don't notice. You never possibly notice.

Does that hurt when that happens? No, no, no. It doesn't hurt. Unless she didn't come, then she probably notices, and she probably doesn't like you. I just think it's a pussy nut, you know? It's like you committed the crime, stick around and watch the scene. I'm so excited it went all the way up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it shot so hard. Yeah, it repelled back into your stomach. Like, I've had girlfriends that, like, I've been, like, closer with, and I've been like, hey, check this out. Isn't it weird? I only have one nut right now. Jesus. And've been like, hey, check this out. Isn't it weird? I only have one nut right now. Jesus. Yeah, that's weird. And I'll be like,

you're a bad boyfriend. It's true, man. It happens. I have it too. Great. I call it my squirmy. Squirmy. You just... I was excited that someone was the same as me until you said that. You don't want to have anything in common with holding.

My son is hiding. When I was 18, I used to work at Starbucks. At this time, I was in it for a whole month, and my balls were hurting for some reason. They were just hurting every morning. Just hurt. Why did they hurt? I don't know. No reason. I went online, and I thought I had cancer. They were just hurting every morning. Just hurt. Why did they hurt? I don't know. No reason.

So I went online, and I thought I had cancer. I was like, you have cancer? Sure. You don't get paranoid like that. And so I looked it up, and apparently sometimes your balls, they'll just spin around, and they get twisted on some of the little things in there. The middle part? The tendons and shit.

You know what I mean? All that meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it just gets twisted up. All the blood stops flowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It hurts. I had a friend who had to get surgery

Right So they said I've had surgery for that I could have had Oh wow I could have had surgery But they were like Tried twisting them back around

Like you know Like a yo-yo Oh you're talking about Testicular torsion Yes Yeah I just had to manually Every day

Every morning In Starbucks Going to the bathroom Just like Spin my balls back around I had a friend That had some shit like that He had to get his ball removed.

In fact, I'm way ahead of you on that one. I was just researching testicular torsion. And in fact... What? Wait, can we just go back? Okay. I'm sorry. Because for those that are listening, Marcus left.

He went to the bathroom. He came back. And he just caught the tail end of what Jermaine was talking about. Immediately called it out for testicular torsion. And apparently you've been doing much research on this. Well, I was researching testicular torsion before I went to the bathroom. And why? It was all part of the cutting off the balls

because I was wondering if a man cuts off his own balls, can he still get an erection? And the answer is if he gets hormone treatment, then he can because most of the male hormones are produced within the testicles. No, but like, yo, the dude, I know that shit happened like early, and he fucks all the time. All types of hot chicks. Well, he still has one ball, though. Yeah, he's got one ball. Oh, you know, if you,

that's what I found out, is that if you have one ball, it's fine, but if you're missing both, you have to get a, you have to take I thought all the blood, I thought because all the blood just comes from the pumps and from the body. I mean, it comes from the body, but the hormones that kickstart that whole situation come from the testicles. You live in your big fucking beautiful balls. You must get the best erections ever, Ed.

You must get the tightest dick. They always said that about Ed. Get that tight dick. My erections cry blood. It's like the Native Americans. It's a whole other trail of tears. It goes right to the bathroom and into his bed. So Jermaine, you just

untwisted your balls and didn't have to have surgery because Micah said he had to have surgery. My buddy had to have surgery. My thing was a different situation. I had some... His torsion was bad. I had this my whole life until I was 12, but my left ball was way bigger than my right one,

and it was because blood was flowing into my testicle but not flowing out, so I just had this crushing. A gorged ball? Yeah, so the outside of my ball was crushing the inside, which is where all the semen's produced, so they were worried that I was going to not have enough semen. And I got plenty of semen now. You're doing great. I got all the nut. You had a congenital malformation known as a bell clapper deformity. Nope.

Nope. Nope. It goes away. It was called a varicoseal or something along those lines. Very interesting. I stand corrected. I apologize. That's okay.

I am not a ball clapper I think this is good though because it means that like one out of every two or almost every one of us either has had that are men

or knows someone like I know people that have had ball issues so really yeah to everyone out there that has ball issues like you're not alone

you're not alone they're the most vulnerable part of the male body and that's if you breathe on them too hard, you go down. Yeah. There's nothing else on the body that dangles. Who is breathing on your balls?

Anyone that I, you know. A bunch of chicks breathe on his balls, dude. That's true, yeah. Would y'all want one giant ball, or would y'all like the two ones you have? Well, that's what I was thinking. Is it like a kidney situation where if you have one kidney removed, the other kidney grows into the size of two kidneys? Are you left with one large, sort of like uni-eyed nut, or does it just stay the same

size? No, it stays around the same size, only because I had a boyfriend back in the day that had this problem, and I had a friend, too. This brings it down real dark. It was not a problem. But he had cancer. He had testicular cancer. Sure.

And I don't believe that his one ball then grew into an earth-like ball. It just picks up the slack and makes it happen. Your seminar hands are really beautiful, by the way. I want to follow up with a question that Jermaine had. Would you guys rather have one giant ball that filled

out your nutsack, stretched it out to capacity, or would you rather have... Multiple balls? Would you rather have like 13 egg balls hanging in your Spider egg balls. Yeah, spider eggs. You know what I want?

You guys want spider egg balls. Yeah, I mean, can you imagine trying to put on jeans with a gigantic nut? Not to mention if you're stressed out you got something to grab onto.

You know what I want? I want my two balls but I want them to have individual sacks like a party favor. It's like clapping stuff. If you guys don't come for a long time, do they get tender or more big, like a right apple?

They do. Absolutely. I don't know. Ask Kevin. Kevin would know. I don't know. I honestly don't know shit about what's going down down there. Do you look?

Women look all the time. I got tiny balls, man. Tiny sickle-shaped balls. I'm very proud of that. Tiny sickle-shaped balls. I'm very proud of that. I got tiny balls, too. Tiny sickle-shaped balls? Like rice grains? Yeah, he can do back flips.

Like a grim reaper? I'm agile, man. Jennifer, was it a turn-off that he only had one ball? Or was that just all in a male's mind? Because if I had one nut, I would sort of have a complex about it. I often have only one nut. I would never know the difference. It's more about the dick and how you

use it if we're being real. It's not about the balls. I don't touch balls because sometimes they can be sweaty or kind of whatever, but really they're sensitive. I've accidentally touched a ball too hard and hurt someone. I thought it was great growing up. It's a skill.

You just named a book right there. It's more about the dick and how you use it. That's the name of the book. There's always that clump of veins in the ball that you can't get anywhere near. Yeah, that's true. That's true. And the balls have a nice smell.

Well, that might be flawed. That's not right. That's where all the fun smell comes from. Yeah, there's certainly an odor that... For cavemen. I feel like... That's the whole point. A penis in a nut area is fine.

It's the back... Oh, hi. It's the back area. So I was talking about how the balls can smell. But it's the anus problem that's the problem with men. Right. I mean, I feel like people take good care of their nuts. Sweaty, bad. We have bad

days with our asses. Certain days that are bad for the ass. The lady still wants it. You sweat more than anyone else in this room. Absolutely. I'm a very sweaty man. Down there, it is just not the funnest water slide in that area. Every time I have sex, my asshole sweats all the time.

Does that happen? A puddle of wetness in your butt after you have sex? You have to check the sheets afterwards. All paranoid and stuff. Does that happen to you? Does that happen to you, Kevin? You smell around the sheets? Of course.

I thought that was me. Naturally. Smell around the sheets? You're freaked out. You don't want to leave some kind of horrible stain or stink. What does it matter? The girl leaves the room for a little bit. She comes back. You're smelling the sheets? You're freaked out. You don't want to leave some kind of horrible stain or stink. What does it matter? The girl leaves the room for a little bit. She comes back. You're smelling the sheets.

I'm covering myself in baby powder, A. Second, B, yeah, I'm smelling up the sheets. That's gross, though. I've been with someone and I love how all these stories start with, I've been with someone. I'm not a whore, but I was with someone and

he didn't have a good this is the 19th he didn't have a clean good butt and like we would have sex and then I'd be like what is that smell he has to know that I did end up telling him but it's a weird conversation like the next day he'd be like how was your

last night I don't know the eggs are great your asshole smells... I feel like the best way to do it as a lady, hey, you know what would be sexy and fun? Let's take you to the shower. Thank fucking day. That's the best sex I've ever heard. Also, you know what else would be fun? Some fiber cereal in the morning.

Yeah. We'll just clean your ass. And sometimes you gotta get a finger in there and just get the rest of it out, you fucking nasty piece of shit. What the fuck is your problem? Just be brutally honest as a woman, too. Guys will listen. You're not gonna hurt his feelings. I'm not gonna fuck you if your asshole smells.

We're here for you. The whole story's gross. He had a fetish problem with butts and buttholes. What'd he do for a living? Who cares what he did for a living? He's a madman. What was his big fetish? What did he do for a living? I mean, who cares what he did for a living? He's a madman. What did he do?

This is exactly how she fucking fell into this trap. But what does he do for a living? What does he do? He was not involved in the industry at all. He was like a fun, like, sharpshooting guy I met a long time ago. He didn't have a clean ass? Fun sharpshoot. What the hell?

What is that? That's almost as arbitrary as told him saying it's a fun water slide. He had a big cowboy hat on. You called yourself Dolly Parton. I did. Dolly Parton. Fun sharpshoot, young man. Y'all come back now, you hear?

You have a pie kind of guy, you know, sharpshoot dude. What accent is that? It sounds like a sick person, like an old sick lady. It was a shop shoot. The balls have a really good smell. Did I make that point yet? I mean, you said it. You didn't make the point.

Sounds like someone's been smelling lots of balls lately. Turns out it's me. Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. All right, Marcus, let's set up another news story. What else is in the news, Marcus? Thank you. Eddie, you're going to love this one.

A tire shop in Detroit, Michigan is in trouble with the law for allegedly compensating employees with crack rocks instead of paychecks. This is fun. Pay people with the materials you have to pay them with. Cut out the middleman. Exactly. They're just going to go buy crack. Right.

Just give them crack. Exactly. You know how quickly you get a car fixed by someone on crack? Yeah. Jermaine, what would you want to be paid in? Crack. Car fix. He's thin, but I can't see him as much of a crack addict.

I was going to say crack. You were going to say crack. I mean, and these people were just mowing lawns and stacking tires. They really weren't doing precision work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good hard work. Yeah. Detroit's WDIV News reported this week that a federal probe into an apparent counterfeiting

scheme at Big C's tire shop in the city's Morningside neighborhood. C stands for cock. No, C stands for crack. Yeah, yeah. In fact, WDIV's Kevin Deese reported, word on the street was the C stood for crack cocaine. Wow. That's clever as fuck. The night before, I bet he was combing his hair,

and he was like, tomorrow I'm going to have a real good slogan for this. You know what I mean? That's actually retarded. Why don't you just make a sign that says crack store? That was funny. What if all the crack guys were like, man, you got to get this new job, man. You got to pay your crack.

This new job I got, man. How long does he think he's going to be in business when he's got zombies all over the lawn pushing tires around? Yeah, but I bet they're getting a lot of work done. Does crack make you energized? Yeah, exactly. I'd be like, I got it all. I'll do all the tires. Paying the employees in crack wasn't even what he got busted for.

He got busted for counterfeiting money. Oh, you can't do both. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cheers one. Crap. According to court papers obtained by WDIV, Towns owned up to paying employees with crack during an interview that led to the filing of counterfeiting charges.

Law enforcement became suspicious when they traced the bogus checks back to Big C's, where a sweep of the auto garage turned up laser printers, computers, blank identification cards, and check stock paper to make the fake notes and some other items that raised suspicion of police. Which was a mountain of crack. Yes. Well, the court papers read, when asked about the drug packaging material that was discovered in his office, Townes stated that he would buy drugs

to pay people to do work for him. His examples were that in return for mowing the grass or stacking the tires, Townes would pay the people and crack cocaine. That's awesome, man. That's funny, man. You know, there's got to be one crackhead in that town that just didn't know.

He's like, I've been sucking on this dick. Y'all stack it's high. I just can't believe there was someone who had grass in Detroit. That's pretty dope, man. Crackhead employees, they don't need breaks. You know what I mean? They don't have to get lunch breaks. They're just not working so fast.

I just got here, nigga. There was no money at this garage at all. There's no real money. He's paying people in crack and then counterfeiting money. And he's not even getting charged with a drug rap. He's just getting charged with counterfeiting because that case is stronger. Wow. What were you thinking on, Jennifer?

Oh, I was just saying, I've been given pot before for things. Yeah. I mean, it's not for work. For sex? For work? Well, yeah. Well, my 49th lever I want to bring up. No, but... Pot for sex. What did he pay you in, Jen?

No, okay. That's not the segue to this story. No, but I've been given pot before. You know, like, I don't know. Like, back in the day when I'd edit a video or something, I'd get a little bag of pot. Yeah, that's fine, though. But that's fine, right get a little bag of pot. Yeah, that's fine, though. But that's fine, right? That's good and normal.

Yeah, that's fine. It's not crack. So you think it's worse than it's the crack cocaine, but I feel like weed wouldn't have gotten them working. They're just treating me like animals. It's great. Throw it at them. The monkeys, they catch it, and then they move all the time. That wasn't a racist thing.

I'm talking Planet of the Apes. I'm talking literal monkeys. No, no. By Planet of the Apes. I'm talking literal monkeys. No, no. By Planet of the Apes, she meant Detroit. It was her whole life. There's a bunch of different sort of things going on with that story. I do believe Jackie meant nothing to raise his diet. It's all right.

A lot of white people do crack as well. Damn you! You blow it up! You damn Detroit! I think it was a fine analogy, Jack. You did well. I liked it. Wrongfully cited his race.

We're going to do one more story. Let's do one more. One more that Eddie requested that we do today. This is going to take a bit of storytelling, so bear with me. In the ocean off Coronado, a Navy team has discovered a relic worthy of display in a military museum.

A torpedo of the kind deployed in the late 19th century considered a technological marvel in its day. But don't look for the primary discoverers to get a promotion or an invitation to meet the admirals at the Pentagon, although they might get an extra fish for dinner or maybe a pat on the snout. The so-called Howl Torpedo was discovered by bottlenose dolphins

being trained by the Navy to find undersea objects. Military-tra trained dolphins found a torpedo. They've been doing that since World War II. They have teams of dolphins that they use. That is a thing. It is fucking awesome.

I saw a thing where they had dolphins with torpedoes. They had weapons on the dolphins. I can see Kevin looking at someone and they go, Look at the binoc weapons on the dolphins. I can see Kevin looking at someone and they go, Ooh! Look at the binoculars on that one! That's literally what I do. I just think it's great how much honest belief that Kevin

and Ed have in dolphins. That's brilliant! I know they're very smart, but you're both such believers. How could we not believe? They just found a fucking bomb! Oh, they haven't found it? It's been a long fucking time

since World War II. What have they been fucking doing? This is a submarine from the late 19th century. This is the late 1800s, which means it was made out of pine. And it ran on coal. The reason why they use dolphins is because

they have the most sophisticated sonar known to man. Oh, bats don't? Has it always been dolphins? Oh, it's dolphins. Bats can't swim, though. I think it's the water better. And when you throw in a beach ball, the bats just fall down. We keep losing bats. I don't know why.

And by the way, the Howl Torpedo was made of brass. Don't I feel dumb? And they've been training dolphins since the 1960s. Yeah, man. Yeah, it makes sense. Acid was introduced, and they started training dolphins. I don't understand what you're saying. There are 80 dolphins right now in the employ of the United States government.

Slaves. Crazy. Question. So they put a camera on the dolphin, or the dolphin comes back, and hey, ah, ah, ah, is down there, the boat. Is that how they bring information? I mean, I think they put the camera. No one at the moment knows how to speak dolphin.

You don't know that. Yeah, you gotta take a look. I don't know that. They know dolphins have names for each other. Exactly, dude. Listen, man, I played Echo the Dolphin. He was talking all the time. Oh, you didn't play it.

Did you get past the first level? Nah, man. Never. I can never figure it out. No one ever made it past the first level. It's impossible. It's the hardest game ever. The Lion King game on Sega was harder than me.

Yeah. Nah. I don't know. You had to jump on the giraffe's heads. Impossible. No puzzle? That shit was easy, man. Y'all on the giraffe's heads. Impossible. No puzzle? That shit was easy, man. Y'all some fuck niggas.

Look, echo the dolphin. Wait, what? Fuck niggas means you're terrible people. Ah. Translate. All right, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. The Great Debate. Oh, shit. All right, so we're going to go around and do debates.

It's going to be a point, counterpoint, counterpoint, counterpoint for each group. 15 seconds time, so you've got to be quick. I guess we'll start with Jermaine and Kevin versus Ed Larson on the debate of video games versus sports. Who would like to go first? Jermaine puts his hand up. That means Kevin's also going first as well on the point of video games. Are you timing this? In 20, 19.

Video games are way better because you play sports. You watch sports. You're not in it. You can't be a dolphin in real life. Echo, the dolphin. I played that. Yeah. Video games, you have control of it.

That's you. That's you. That's your reality, man. Sports, you're living vicariously, baby. That's true. All right. Done. Good point. Good point, you. That's your reality, man. Sports, you're living vicariously, baby. That's true. Alright, done. Good point. Good point, so. Okay. Addy, you ready? Yeah, I'm fucking ready. I was born ready. Alright,

Marcus, for the counterpoint. Alright, and counterpoint, go. You can be a dolphin. You can be the best dolphin. You can be the Miami Dolphin. You can be a rich man living in Miami fucking all the hot Miami ass, because

you're a Miami Dolphin, a pillar of the community. You walk down the beach, topless, bitching everywhere. That makes a point, though. Kevin and Jermaine, counterpoint. 20 seconds. You ready? And go. The thing about the Miami Dolphins is they can't stop losing.

They've been losing constantly forever, and that's what the problem is. Video games, there is no steady loss in video games. You just do what you do, man. You do that shit. That's up to you. If you hurt by people losing, you do better, man. Video games is about believing in yourself. Dan Marino doesn't have any Super Bowl rings.

Good points as well. All right. Ed, the final counterpoint. All right, go. Dan Marino doesn't have any Super Bowl rings, but he has many, many children by many unknown women. Okay? Now, name one person who plays video games that has that same problem.

Nobody, because you're just sitting on your balls all day, and you're cooking them like a fucking egg, and you can't squirt any jizz. Oh. That's it. That's a good point. So, Marcus, what are you going with here? What's the score?

I got one more. This one? No, no, no. You both got two points. Dan Marino's kids play video games as well as the Golden State. Dan Marino buys them video games, too. He probably buys them in the hotel 2K13. I can put you on to a nigga named Cliff Lazinski,

made Unreal Tournament, Gears of War, fucking all the bitches, man. Yeah, I'm going to have to go with Team Black on this one. None of them qualified. The internet was bullshit. Planet of the Apes. Planet of the Apes. Planet of the Apes.

Planet of the Apes. All right. Next, we go with Jin versus Ben In a debate Jin's from LA originally Ben Wisconsin but he's going to be arguing for New York We're doing LA versus New York Who would like to go first

Let's see here I guess I'll just go first He's very bad you should definitely be able to beat him Ben arguing for New York. Are you ready? Go. I stand on the platform. I stand on the platform on the L train and I stand by the stairs

and I watch the girls walk down. Do it for New York, man. Do it for fucking New York. I fucking look at chicks' pussies, man, because of the stairs in New York. There. Do it for fucking New York. I fucking look at chicks' pussies, man, because of the stairs in New York. There's so many steps. I am moving to LA.

That was good. Why are we here? That was good. You just shit into a microphone for 20 seconds. What was that? I thought that was good. That was horrible. All right, Jim.

Jim, just don't say anything, and you win. Don't let him coach you, Jim. Don't let him coach you. 20 seconds for L.A. Are we ready? Yeah. Go. If you like staring at fun pussies, then get ready for L.A.

Because you get there, you get off the plane, and there's the beautiful sun kissing you in the face, but not too hot and not too humid. You go on hikes. You have vegan juices, and you can be thin if you want to. You can see sightings if you want to of famous people you always loved or hated, but it's still kind of cool to be around them. I've personally eaten with Adam Levine. He was three feet away.

I feel like Ben's in the lead. I do like serious, in the lead I do like staring at pussy Maybe I'll stay in New York You said two no words Or three actually Vegan, Adam Levine Three no words I feel like, come on man

I remember what Ben said I kind of agree with Ben I do like staring at pussies. Yeah. She's an idiot. I know what the stare at pussies is. I'd rather stare at girls. No, but there's healthy wax pussies with a slight tan in L.A.

There you go. There are no Puerto Ricans in L.A. That's the thing. Oh, see? Well, that's a point. I can stare at their pussies. So many stares. Ben, counterpoint.

Ben's got a counterpoint. Ben, counterpoint. Go. I stand at a higherpoint. Ben, counterpoint. Go. I stand at a higher level than a lot of girls. I look down. They are not white. They are black and Dominican with big, plump, fuck tits.

And I think about them a lot. I mean, that's the thing about New York. With the pussies and the tits, and then I'm drunk all the time. All right, done. What are you doing? If Garrison Keillor was a rapist. All right, that was so awful. All right, Jane, you get one more counterpoint.

You get one more counterpoint. You get one more. All right, and go. LA, you know, besides the celebrities, has mountains, and it has oceans, and you can get in your car and listen to good tunes and just drive the day away. Smoke that pot, because it's legal, so get stoned as you fucking want, and then go eat a burger, because burgers still exist. And again, there are pussies, and maybe they're not real Dominicans, but they can play them on TV, and they look fairly...

All right. Yeah? That's it? So they look trashy. Who wins? I got one-one. You can't do what I feel like you might be doing right now. Do what you need to do.

I got one-one. I got one-one, Marcus. What's that? I got one-one. I'm sorry. Pussies. So you made the point about Dominicans playing on TV. Yeah.

That is true, but... You might have to go over 30 seconds. I mean... One more round, man. One more round? Do we get to vote or I mean I'll say here's One more round man One more round? I'll say one more No I think it's one more round It's gotta go

One more round She brought up weed One more round She brought up weed She definitely brought up how There's lots of weed there Alright Ben

She's making up for that Adam Levine thing Apparently so I'm sorry guys Fuck that guy Who was Adam Levine? The lead singer of Maroonine the lead singer Maroon 5 Maroon 5

I don't want to do 30 seconds yeah man I don't want to do 30 seconds I'll do it in one sentence women are victims here what the fuck what I'll do it in one sentence women are victims here what

why did you guys make me do one more I was gonna give it to him I was gonna give it to him he had it in the bag you know why because we can get drunk and not have to drive and look at asses all day. And we can have a great time.

What the hell was that? Mike, go. He has to fucking... He has to go to the gym. All right. Jen has to go to the gym. Jen has to go to the gym. All right.

All right. God! Women are victims is what I want out of this guy. Jesus Christ. All right. So, Jackie and Micah, you were arguing cancer versus murder. I don't want to do anything right now. Who would like to go first?

Who's for cancer, who's for murder? It's supposed to be which is more effective, right? It can really, you're arguing for murder. Micah's arguing for cancer. You can take whatever track you want to take on it. Who would like to go first? I'll go first. Alright, Jackie, are we ready for it? And go. Cancer is for weak people and it's because God chose them and said that they can't be here anymore.

Murder is choice. Murder is power. Murder is efficient. You want fucking someone dead, they're fucking dead, and it's over. You have to watch them and fucking cry for ten years while they slowly fucking die. Alright! Goddamn! You dark bitch!

That was awesome as shit! That was so dark! And go! Cancer kills millions of people every year. Murder kills thousands. That's it!

These are the fake facts! These fake facts! kills thousands. That's it! These are the fake facts! These fake facts! But he mic dropped! He mic dropped! Mic dropped. Mic dropped. Yeah, but I don't like mic drops.

Jackie, uh... Counterpoint. Go. So those thousands that you claim in this fucking fact that you made up about cancer versus murder is that these are people that are choosing to kill someone. It is the choice of being a human being

to murder the fucking shit out of somebody you don't like or is different than you or maybe they look at you weird on the fucking street. If he's black. And you know, not just black, definitely Puerto Rican, you know? It's like over, dead.

And cancer hits all of those people. And it's like, that's not fair. Murder is fair. All right. I gave her 10 extra seconds because I wanted to see where that was going. I'll cede my 10 seconds to her. Mic drop Micah. What do you got?

All right. Go. Oh, fuck you. It's a good counterpoint. Very good counterpoint. That's it. You're a racist. Only against Asians.

That goes to Jackie. All right. I thought that closed the door. It was great. All right. And then who is MVP of the debate? We have to have one final winner. It was great. All right, and then who is MVP of the debate? We have to have one final winner. Jackie.

Yeah! All right, Jackie's the big winner. Jackie's a brownie. I was eating opportunity when I think you got soft. Two women and two blacks. Hey, Larson. Thank you for being here. One white man on top.

Bartles. Hold him in the alley, Kevin Barnett. Thank you for being here. Jermaine, thank you for being here, Mike. I'm ashamed to be here. It's hot. Yeah, let's get out of here. I have to piss for the reason I'm in.

Marcus, tell us what's in the news!