The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 146: BK Broiler

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: two old men settle their differences using feces and violence, a man in Bosnia saves himself from a bear attack by strangling the bear with his bare hands, and a woman bites her husband's genitals following an argument at the rodeo. Joining us today: Ari Shaffir and Damien Lemon!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Um, are we ready to go, Marcus? Yeah, yeah. Alright, well, Jackie, I think you're praying today. Alright, alright. I'm praying for the party bus. Uh-oh. I went in a fucking party bus last night, fucking

Jesus Christ, and it was the best thing you ever created. Man, it could take you anywhere. You could dance wherever you want to go. You could have a man servant, which we did, and his name was Patrick. Wow. And I think that every woman should have a party bus. No men should ever

be allowed inside the party bus, but they can grovel outside of the party bus. They can stare into the party bus and be like, choose me, choose me. But we're never gonna choose. So thank you, God, for the fucking party bus, because it's the fucking raddest thing ever amen hey great indeed all right did patrick get his dick sucked nah man i think patrick who

might have been a fag or so he may have been so what does that even mean well he was a fashion designer from brussels uh you know he was very big and he lifted me up. He must have been very, very, very big. Go fuck yourself. You break every chair he's sitting. Whoa! Let's not bring chairs into this. Let's not bring chairs into this.

All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody? We know Jackie's here. I'm here by name as. Who is everybody else around this sort of bizarrely shaped round table i'm ed larson holden mcneely and i'm happy as a clam disgusting and sad sitting here for kevin bart never got ari shafir thank you for being here hi no problem

and uh then of course i am ben kissel marcus let's just get to some news stories buddy all right james palmieri 59 was suffering from severe diarrhea March 10th in his apartment he shared at 473 Pleasant View Avenue in Syracuse. Been there so far. He was sharing it with David Ut, 62. Great name. David Ut. Ut said in a written statement, I asked him to use the bathroom fan so it wouldn't smell up the house.

Thanks for the sympathy, Palmieri said, according to Ut. It's common courtesy, Ut replied. Palmieri then vowed to, quote, crap all over the house, the bathroom, and my car. Nice. Palmieri got into his pajama bottoms, then went outside.

What? Otherwise he was naked, running around the house with shit everywhere? Ut was suspicious because Palmieri doesn't smoke During the night Ut discovered Palmieri had defecated All over the floor in the bathroom And in the hallway near the bathroom

He clearly did this deliberately I love that he has The same retaliation tactics as a cat There's just shit everywhere The next morning, Ut opened the door to his 1997 Lincoln and saw, quote, that Palmieri had, in fact, defecated

over the back seat of his car on the leather seats. Not in the car, man! Not the leather seats! How much shit was in this man? So much shit. Well, Ut had to drive the feces laden car because he had to get to a doctor's appointment that morning. The other guy had to get to a doctor's appointment that morning. It's like the other guy didn't get to a doctor's appointment.

When he got home, he gave Palmieri five minutes to start cleaning it all up. Palmieri asked, how does it feel to be shit on? I love it. Then Palmieri punched him in the face. I thought he was going to say shitty because that's probably how it would feel. Ben, you shat on the hood of a car, Ben, you've shat on the hood of a car I've shat on the hood of a car I've shat in a mailbox and a whole bunch of different places to really get back at those aristocrats

in Stevens Point, Wisconsin making 50G a year with their family sedans How do you get up Alright, so were you holding It's 10 feet tall He just puts his ass over the hood of the car I haven't shat in a toilet in Oh, okay, right. Yeah, man. I haven't shat in a toilet in a decade.

No, it's great. I love this. Driving Miss Feces, I feel like, would be the name of this story. So he has a bunch of crap in the back of his car, and he was in such a rush, he couldn't just sweep that out of there with a little teepee or something? He was diarrhea.

Diarrhea. He was probably soupy. And this is all just because the guy said, hey, turn the fan on after you shit? I will say, he is because the guy said hey turn the fan on after your shit I will say he is not asking that dude to turn the fan on again honestly I really find

no like disturbance with the logic of this story I feel like everyone's like oh yeah no

I'd say that I'd do that oh no no no he was right for doing that oh I feel like both of them were completely fine

so you think who was more right this Palomari character or Ut which by the way it sounds like his great great great greatgreat-great-grandfather just died in his deathbed. They're like, what's your name? And he's like, Henry Ut. And you're like, hey, I guess he's Ut.

That's what the Ut family formed. It's not a full-ass name. Either that or he got punched in the stomach in Satin Island. Or fucking Ellis Island. Oh, yeah, that's possible. Yeah, you're thinking of the Ut's family, which is a very successful chip family. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And pretzels.

One of the leading chip families in America. Indeed. That's what we're talking about. I mean, this is a fine retaliation to have against a roommate. Holden, we've lived together for about five years. I'm sure there's been moments in your life where you wanted to defecate all over my bedroom. Oh, I can't wait until we all move out of that place and then you find all the hidden poo-poos. They're placed in various parts of your room.

Yeah, good. I'm excited to find them out. That's the thing. That's why your room smells like fucking shit. No, it's because his dick smells bad. I'm going to blame it on your poo-poos. I've actually been telling girls that for decades, or for a couple of months now.

What, five years? That it's like, I don't smell bad. Those are all different answers. Times, yes. I understand, but I'm just telling you. My excuse for my room smelling bad is that you poop in all my corners. When I was a kid and I worked at Dairy Queen, I went shitting the urinal to piss off my boss, make him clean it up. And did it work out for you?

Yeah, it worked out great. How did you do it? I just hovered over the urinal, shitting it, and then I told him, I went out there, I was like, hey, Ron, someone shitting the urinal. Yeah, how do you know? Well, I just shat in it, actually. Did you hover? Did your ass touch the urinal shitting it and then uh i told him i went out there's a hey uh ron uh someone uh shitting the urinal yeah how do you know well i just shat in it actually did you have it's your ass touch the urinal maybe you know but you know it's small price to pay maybe means yes in this scenario by the way maybe means yes specialty of war i was hammered working you were working well hammered dairy queen oh i'm sorry 18 years old working at dairy queen of course i was hammered? Dairy Queen. I was 18 years old working at Dairy Queen. Of course I was hammered.

Did you pee on the floor a little bit? Because you know how you always pee a little bit? I'm sure I did. Not the floor, my shoes. Ari, have you ever had a roommate situation that was so bad that fecal matter was involved or anything like that? No, I've shit on people's cars before. Nice, you're a classy man. This is the bond.

I want to do it. It's a great time. It's great. You really should. It's freeing. Did you do it in retaliation or you just do it for fuck's sake? I was helping a friend retaliate. I shit in a bag and then he used a bag in the top of a box like a spackle.

See, that's much more sanitary than Ben's way, I think. It's still shit. Oh, that was a civil shitting? Yeah, it was. Oh, he's a classy dumper? Yeah. It's still shit. Oh, that was a civil shitting? Yeah, it was. A classy dumper? Yeah. There were accessories involved. Please. Accessories makes it classy.

I'll trade you one bag of shit for your grapefruit palm. I'll take it. I love it. Palmieri told police in a phone interview that he didn't want to give his version of the story or return to the scene, adding that he has diarrhea. He had a massive amount of diarrhea. So the one guy said, okay, so guy A.

Palamari. Palmieri, he's got a shit. He's the one with diarrhea? Yep. Okay, and then he had the shit, and then I told him, hey, turn the fan on. That's it, yep. And then Palmieri just shit all over everything. Right.

Everything. Yeah. The bathroom and the hallway outside the bathroom and in the backseat of his car on the leather seats. You think he crab walked as he was shitting? Yeah. You would have to. Yeah.

He ate a bunch of laxatives. He's like, oh, yeah, now I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him hard. I'm going to get his car. I'm going to get the hallway. Get his towels. What's that thing in Donnie Darko represent, the beam that comes out?

Timeline. Timeline. I feel like this is like a reverse timeline. We know exactly where he went. And that's his soul just driving him, just like his shit. He had no control over that. It was predetermined. And you've got to remember, this is a 59-year-old and a 62-year-old man living together.

Sad. So every time two old men... Have you guys ever heard of Raymond and Peter Shut Up Little Man? Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. Anytime two old men live together, things always get weird and uncivil. Absolutely. They should be dead.

Yeah. I made a movie about it. Grumpy Old Men. Yeah. There you go. It's a documentary. And the sequel. I forgot about the huge shit scene where Walter Matthau

just dumps all over Lemon's shit. Dumps all over his car and his couch and things. Or his backseat. I didn't know he did put a fish in his car, though. Ah, that's true. Ah, revenge. Which smells worse, an old fish or a piece of diarrhea shit? I put fish

in some guy's car once. You did do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was the revenge for? What did he do to you? How did he wrong you? He took Tim Dean's girlfriend. So I put fish in his car. Really?

Yeah. Isn't that, that was a very nice thing you did for a friend. Yeah, it was my boy and I wanted to fuck it. Yeah, was she an attractive gal? Oh, yeah, she's real hot, big tits. Real hot, big tits. So they were making out in the car and it just smelled like fish and he probably broke up with her because he thought her pussy stank.

No, I think she dumped him because he was a pussy. He brought his dad to my house to confront me or whatever afterwards. How old was he? We were 17 or like... Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he brought his dad to my house to confront me and of course I just denied it and then my mom fucking shoot him off.

It was hilarious. That's great. She's like, what kind of man are you bringing? It was great. That's ridiculous. You know you have a pussy son if he's 17 and he, dad, come down. I think somebody put fish in my buddy's car or in my car. Let's go find him.

It's like you've got to tell your son to go take care of that on his own. Yeah. You know, regardless if he's the biggest, fattest baby ever born in Florida, the one and only Ed Larson. My buddy took a baseball bat from him and beat him with it one time. Oh, yeah? Nice. So what was that?

I feel like you guys might have actually been very mean to this guy. No, no, no. At this point. Why did he get beat with a baseball bat? Well, he swung it at him, so he took it and hit him with it. Very nice. It wasn't brutal. It wasn't in the face or anything.

It was just tomfoolery. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a couple swaps to the back. Yeah, so this Ut guy got off relatively scot-free. You ever take a bat to somebody, Ari? No. You ever hit someone with a club? Something like that?

A bowling ball? My brother walked behind me once when I was swinging a bat, and I smashed him in the face. That's pretty cool. Counts. Definitely counts. I felt bad, but it was full steam, like backwards, though. Yeah.

No, it's great, though, when you actually have those accidental situations where you got away with hitting your brother in the head with a bat. Yeah. It's kind of fun. I got hit in the face with a bat, but I was a catcher, and I was making fun of the girl at bat, and so she, quote, unquote, accidentally swung back, and I had just taken off the mask because I was making fun of her, and she couldn't hear me well enough.

So I had taken off the mask, and I was making fun of her, and she swung back, and she fucking bashed me in the face. So I completely deserved it, but fuck that bitch, right? Totally. Totally. How does that feel when you get hit in the face with a bat? It hurts a lot. Yeah, just a bunch, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I broke my nose. See, I mean, I got hit with many things, but I'd always cover myself with a firm layer of padding before I'd leave the house. I'll be grade 6 to 12. Still to this day, you have to shed your skin out front. Definitely, yeah, yeah.

Because they had to reduce my vocal cords. I used to be like this loud everywhere I went, you know, until, yeah, I got the operation. I was hanging out with our friend Justin Tyler who's a long time listener of the show and holding me nearly

I want to say I'm sorry Jackie because you used to be Justin's favorite and now it's you holding for those antics so you're crushing it. Oh wow. Fun boy day.

Falling out of first. It's fucking fun Justin. I'm going to go to your house and hate you with a bat. What? Whoa. Right, you threaten them until you like them.

Me like Justin. Me like cake and pie. Ugh. Justin likes a mommy fucker. So what's happening? Holden likes to fuck his mother. That's just a- Fine, which is normal.

Yeah, totally normal. So what's happening with this Ut character? I mean, what sort of crime did he commit? Well, Ut was the person who got shat on. Okay. Palmieri is being charged with second-degree harassment and fourth-degree criminal mischief. Oh, come on.

Wait, who punched you and then Palmieri punched Ut? Yeah, Palmieri is the one. He has all the aggression in this story. So Ut was like, fine, you should have my car. I'll just go to sleep. Yeah, he said, well, Ut told me you have five minutes to clean all this up. I mean, that's not enough time. No, it's like the Ut couple.

He just sounds like he's fucking pussy annoying. He deserves to get hit. He deserves to get shit on. I mean, I'm sure they're still living together. Yeah. There's no doubt about that. Yeah, this is a minor thing. I can't believe this is actually news.

What roommate has not said, pick up your shit? Yeah, but they didn't mean it literally. Like the shit in the living room, the shit in my car. Well, how much is going on in Syracuse, New York? Nothing, man. It's fucking horrible. It's next to Buffalo. That's the best thing they got. There's got to be some bad Thai food

in there, though, to give that guy the runs like he had. I mean, what a nice moment to have the runs. If you're super pissed off at your roommate, you have a bathroom situation, you could really actually use it as a weapon. Rarely do you have projectiles coming out of your asshole like that. Wasn't the basketball coach fucking a bunch of kids or something, too? Yeah, yeah, no. It turned out to be a lie.

Oh, it was a lie? No, it was a copycat. Yeah. They had to fire him. It was fine. Oh, this was after Sandusky? Yeah, and Boeheim was like, you're fucking wrong. I'm not going to fire this guy.

Show me some proof. And then he eventually had to cave and fire him because the pressure was so big. And then it came out. The guy was like, yeah, I wasn't making it up. I saw the Sandusky thing. There's fucking nothing. That's how little there is to do in Syracuse.

You just call people child molesters and then have a blast about it. He's the biggest victim in that Sandusky scandal, isn't he? He lost his job over it. So sad. So sad. I don't like it. He'll get the job back.

Anything else going on with this story? No, we can move on to another story in Bosnia. Oh, sure. I don't think we've been to Bosnia before. I never would go. We spent a lot of time in Poland, but never in Bosnia. Yeah, nice to be inside of you, Bosnia. It's where the douchebag was invented.

Oh, really? I didn't know that. Thank you. I think Jackie's quickly becoming Justin's favorite. Again. Yes. Fuck you, Alden. A 48-year-old shepherd from the village of Verba in the southeast of Bosnia strangled

a brown bear barehanded after the wild animal attacked him. Love it. That's fucking amazing. It's incredible. This man's a superhero. Blazo Gorkovic was tending a flock of sheep on a meadow in Voljak when the bear assaulted him. The shepherd had a small axe with him, but had

no chance of using it. Grovnik told journalists, at one moment the bear grasped my hand and I choked it by the throat with the other hand until the animal fell down. Hand. One hand. Un-fucking-believable.

How many times has this guy been mistaken for a bear himself? Is there a picture of the guy, Marcus? There is not. Damn it. But after the vicious encounter with the animal, the bleeding shepherd managed to cover a distance of several miles along a mountainous path before calling an ambulance.

He is a stronger human being than we could ever imagine seeing or being. See, when I heard he choked him out, I thought he did like a headlock with the elbow around the throat. Yeah, me too. I got behind him. I just got in front of him. The bear didn't just slash him? The bear has his hand.

He has one hand, for he grabs it by the jugular and takes it down to the ground. That's unbelievable. He probably closed his windpipe, right? Yeah. Like, grabbed, like, right in the middle. But the bear's fucking mouth and claws!

Just, like, stab at it. Yeah, the dude was diagnosed with multiple injuries to his hands, legs, and head caused by the bear's jaws and paws. And the guy was hospitalized for over a week. Wow. He got hurt.

He did get hurt. That makes it better. That makes it better. Did he steal the bear's hand? Did he wear it around his necklace? He should. He ate its heart to gain its power. He should have skinned it at least.

Wear its skin and be like, I conquered this. Absolutely. If someone needs to get this man that bear skin, this is fucking amazing. I watched The Edge last night. I love The Edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where he gives the deadfall

on the bear. Puts up the spear and wedges it in a rock and the bear falls on him as a horrible death. Bart the Bear, great bear actor. Bart the Bear? Rip Bart the Bear. What other movies was he in? Great Outdoors. death part the bear great bear actor all right rip part the bear what other movies was he in great outdoors he was the bear and the bear yeah here's what he was no he died in 2000 but not from that scene. He died many times in movies. He just died in Bosnia as well.

He got too cocky. He was in The Bear, of course. He was in Legends of the Fall. That's a great bear. He's a great bear actor. He's an amazing bear actor. He appeared in the 70th Academy Awards as a part of a salute to animal actors.

Wow! Of course he did. He has the most credits. The salute to animal actors. Wow. Of course he did. He has the most credits. The salute to animal actors, did they have the audits? Was the audience a bunch of other animals and a bunch of bizarre things like that? I'd go. You wouldn't go? I would immediately go.

Oh, I saw that dog. He died of cancer while filming a television documentary about himself. Oh, that's the saddest actor story I've ever heard. And they put it out? cancer while filming a television documentary about himself. Oh! That's the saddest actor story I've ever heard! And they put it out? Yeah, Brad Pitt provided the narration.

Oh! And Brad Pitt was in Legends of the Fall. His work was John Candy, Dan Aykroyd, Daryl Hannah, Annette Bening, Ethan Hawke, Steven Seagal, Gregory Peck, T'Chay Cario, Alec Baldwin, and Anthony Hopkinson. This is amazing!

He had a great career. Does he get cancer now? I guess. He smoked. He smoked. He smoked. And his namesake, Little Barth-a-Bear, was just recently

in the Game of Thrones episode, The Bear and the Maiden Fair. Yeah, I saw that episode. All right. How was he? He was great. He was amazing. He did a good job like Final X Sun, man.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, he didn't get his prey, but he did pretty good. Okay, good, good. The bear from, whatchamacallit, from Semi-Pro ended up being a murderer. Killed his trainer right after the movie. Really? Sort of an O. OJ Simpson type bear. Well, you know, he didn't have a wife that cheated on him and then he went crazy and

killed her in a waiter. He's a bear that they can't get rid of. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Little Bart the bear, he appeared in Doctor Dolittle 2 along with his sister, Honey Bump Bear. Oh, Honey Bump Bear. Great name. Can you win an Oscar if you're a bear?

No. No, you get nominated. Absolutely not. Okay. I kind of want to make a Monique joke about Precious and that, but I'm not going to. That's amazing. Yeah, we need to honor these animal actors more. Absolutely.

Especially a big bear. That's a tough animal to train to act. He was also in a Labatt's Blue commercial. Yeah, so he's a beer bear. I've had Labatt's. Canadian beer. Do you believe Bart the Bear helped you to convince you to drink Labatt's that evening?

Maybe. I don't think I saw that commercial. Nah, it probably wasn't that. It didn't have anything to do with that. Can I get the beer the bear drinks? Can I please? Yes. You have to leave this bar, sir. We should all start doing that, just quoting commercials. It's like, can I have the beer the bear drinks? Can I please? Yes. The part where he's like, you have to leave this bar, sir.

We should all start doing that, just quoting commercials. It's like, can I have the beer that whatever character in a commercial drinks? Just talking frogs fucking talk about.

Yeah, yeah, just ask for that. Talking frog beer! Talking frog, no! I saw them doing it. No, that's not the one. Bring me another. There was some black guys

would say, what's up to each other? but they would do it funny. What were they drinking? All right, Marcus. What's another story, buddy? All right. The owners of Brisbane's only registered swingers club say they are being forced to close after a complaint about disabled access.

Oh, man. That sounds like that was a decision they made a long time ago. Should we worry about a ramp? Fuck no! We don't want any cripples. Blacks aren't allowed in here, but they didn't say anything about that. They're in there. They're working. I just decided to make my opinion voice.

It's Australia. Oh, yeah, there's no blacks in there. Yeah, working. I just decided to make my opinion voice. It's Australia. Oh, yeah. There's no blacks in there. Yeah. There's aborigines. Oh, yeah. They're dark. Yeah, they're very dark people.

There's also kangaroos in there. Yeah. Yeah. Brisbane City Council has ordered Brian and Lisa Horn to shut Couples International in Wulungaba by June 26th. The couples say their customers are distraught, and the move will push Brisbane's swingers scene into seedy underground hotels and suburban homes. You can't have that.

Exactly. And here's what they say. We got single ladies that are crying. I mean, we're talking a 20-year-old single lady just crying here the other night because she's got nowhere to go that feels safe anymore. I don't understand. Why was she crying there, though? I was like, yeah, it just seems like an advertisement for a pimp.

Yeah. I feel like, why not build the ramp and have a disabled theme night, you know? I mean, you're going to get all those freaky wheelchair people. He said the club had hosted several guests in wheelchairs before without problems. He said they came quite a few times, actually. I'm sure they came multiple times. They just got those in Australia.

Double entendres. It's a swingers club, not a strip club. Swingers club. So you can't really be disabled and swing. Of course you can. How would you do that? You'd get strapped into a swing. Do you do it in the parking lot?

You could just bury literally. Exactly. Just tie him to a rope. You got a pussy, right? That shit works. Turn over, little halfling. I suppose so. Now, Marcus, you've had experience at swingers clubs. Did you see any

disabled people? Not at all. Anyone here? No, not physically. at swingers clubs? Did you see any disabled people? Not at all. You have a fucking disabled person? Anyone here? No. No, no, not physically. I had sex with a mother once. Okay, yeah, that's the same.

Yay, yay, yay. I had sex with a girl with a severe eczema. Oh, that's fun. Right, we've talked about that snake woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kojak. Reptile woman. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

It's kind of fun. Cool. Yeah. Sure. You had sex with a mother. Yeah. And how was that experience for you? Were you young, young? Were you like

high school or something? I mean, we really get into the details for Holden here. He really wants to hear about this. Just some woman that was a mom. A couple of different moms. Oh. And the kids are around and the rooms are divorced. Nowhere near it. Ever like the mother of a friend? no nothing like that

just some lady who had a kid once a stripper like some freaky whore just like some crazy whore mother how is the mother sex? when they get the chance to let loose and just forget that they're a mother they must be amazing in bed yeah they fuck you and nurture you at the same time that's incredible I feel like when they get the chance to let loose and not just forget that they're a mother,

they must be amazing in bed. Yeah, they fuck you and nurture you at the same time. That's incredible. That's so nice. Oh, man, that would be great, just having a grilled cheese sandwich already there right after you come. I guess so. But it's still hot. Yeah. Do they leave?

When you exit, do they give you a lunch pail? They tell me to make my bed. That's good. That's hot. Before you go. Yeah, there's breakfast waiting. It's not the best, though. Yeah.

Well, yeah, with a glass of our own milk, you know, it's going to be questionable. I mean, you know, you bring up a good point, though, with that milk. I was with one gal with the lactation of the breast. Have you had that? No. Holy Lord. Really? The female milk is absolutely phenomenal.

Get it, get it. It's sweet. It's soft. Was this recently? No, this was when I was in college. So I was about 27 years old. So you would go suck on her milk? Yes.

Sucked it out of her? No, I mean, it would just come out because the baby was doing it. I was just all up in the mouth. Straight from the boob? Straight from the teat. It was just, I mean, you didn't actually, like, squirt it into your mouth, but the teat is just sweet, and it's wonderful.

Really, really good tasting stuff. Hell yeah. I gotta say, I was disappointed when I found out women's breasts weren't more like beanbags. Mm-hmm. There was, like, little balls in there. We should put a bunch of little bugs in there,

and they could just crawl around, and I could, like, feel them then. I hate that idea. Right. Jackie, your breasts aren't full of bugs? Not anymore. That's good. I got flea medicines. You did? Roscoe, the flea dog, came and, your breasts aren't full of bugs? Not anymore. That's good. I got flea medicines.

You did? Roscoe, the flea dog came and smelled your breasts? Yeah, and then he licked them hard and he licked all the fleas off of them. Well, that's good. That happens. How many mothers have you fucked already? I think maybe just two. Okay.

There was one a long, long time ago. I've done it with girls that wanted to be mothers but never had the opportunity. That's everybody. That's kind of scary, though. Oh, yeah. That's kind of fun. It's the worst. It's the worst.

I'll say this. The couple that owns the Swingers Club, they have five children. Okay. But they're also 62 and 48. 62 and 48? Wow. Old kids. No. They still get get down so the kids live on premises yeah is that alone yeah it's australia it don't matter but it does matter they don't have a

fucking ramp for the wheelchairs why don't you just lift them up the stairs yeah i like that they're trying saying like you're gonna push us under the underground which first of all if you're already there but second of all, just fucking get a ramp. It's not their fault. Well, they tried to make the changes. But they burned down all the wood. They're too busy fucking everybody. They couldn't get a building permit.

For the ramp? Yeah. So why is it getting shut down? Because they don't have the ramp. But they couldn't get the building permit for the ramp. Exactly. I feel like they wanted this sex club shut down. I am just so sick of Australia pretending they have laws.

Yeah, right. You know, it's Outback. I've seen the commercials for Outback Steakhouse. No rules. Just right. Just right. You can't do that to an onion. That's insanity.

So now this wonderful place where people used to go and get laid Is now being shut down forever Why can't they just put up a small ramp They said they can't get the building permit And they said the order to close the club Had pushed them to the brink of financial ruin They've run this place for 10 years Is there anything in there about no one wants to fuck a cripple I don't think so

But that is the truth though right People are into it There's a fetish for everything. People are into that. Yeah, but not in this guy's house. Most of the time, that cripple lady's going to sit there by herself just waiting for someone to come and make a cripple. Yeah, it's a sad thing to watch.

I think it's fine. They don't want fucking cripples in there. Yeah. I'm railing on some chick. I don't want to look over her shoulder and see a fucking sad woman in a wheelchair. See, I do. A nice big Vietnam vet. That's the one I want.

In the corner of my room, fucking waving an American flag. I'm gonna see like a Native American crying. You're almost done there, boy. So, does anyone know any girls in wheelchairs? Because I know if you're a dude in a wheelchair, your dick doesn't work, right? Not necessarily. So it could?

It depends where you got cut off. You just might not be able to feel it, too. Like, it could work, but it's just not this, you just don't feel it. Well, you're asking if a woman's pussy works so it gets wet and stuff and she feels it.

Yeah, it gets wet. Yeah, if your legs get blown off, you can still get hard. Yeah. Like, Lieutenant Dan was fucking that chick, right? Yeah, it was a movie, though.

Hardcore, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the director's cut of that movie? I like that. It was gross. Horace Glump. Glumping all over her chest that's what i want to do every time i come on a chicken now on i'm gonna be like i'm gonna glump all over oh yeah she'll stay wet oh she's gonna go dry as a fucking desert gonna take a dump and give

you the glump yeah i say to my lady she say to my lady. She kept saying harder. She's like, ooh, hold him. I can't wait. Ooh, my pussy's gonna fucking fly off me. What was that, Ari? Hmm. I'm gonna glump all over you. All right. Next story.

A man whose wife bit him on the genitals after an argument after a rodeo says his only regret is calling 911 on her. Anthony Hill is still healing and says he's standing by his wife, Christina Salinas. Hill said Sunday was supposed to be a fun night out at the Penn Valley Rodeo. He says the argument followed a series of stressful events in their lives, including the fact that Salinas' ex-husband now lives with him. Whoa.

All right, hold on. Eddie, what do you think about that situation you're dating a chick her ex comes in to live with you how is that conversation i mean if i'm the guy fucking her then i think it's hilarious so you like it you're okay and he's letting me stay at your house so you got no problem with it yeah no no it's like showing off do you fuck her extra live do you glump on her extra high? Absolutely.

Save up the glump. The glump you make when she's not around, you save it and you give it to her later, right in front of her. Wait, you're not worried that she's fucking the ex? What? You're not worried that she's voting the ex? Oh, I never thought about that. Just chain her down.

Definitely. Leave the house. You think so? Yeah. Yeah, of course. He's so sad for staying though I mean Why would she want

Her ex-boyfriend Her ex-husband Into the apartment Unless she wanted to Bang the fuck out of him You think so? Oh definitely Every single time

That's happened Every time I agree with her Every time And every time She could feel But it could also be A power thing

Where it's like He's so pathetic That he has nowhere to live So sure he can live with me And I'm gonna bang My fucking husband It could be Really fucking loud It could be that way But it could also be a power thing where it's like, he's so pathetic that he has nowhere to live. So sure, you can live with me, and I'm going to bang my fucking husband really fucking loud. It could be that way. That's what she's saying to her husband. Exactly. But what if it was this?

Yeah, but you wouldn't want to fuck someone that's that pathetic. I'd be like, you're disgusting. You're like a fucking piece of dirt. You'd still fuck him. Yeah. But I'm not a piece of dirt. I'm a different kind of woman. Yeah. All right, Mark. Let's continue on. You'd still fuck him Yeah I mean But I thought he was a jerk I'm a different kind of woman Yeah

Alright Mark Let's continue on Well Hill wanted to leave The rodeo early And she wanted to stay When they got home The argument continued Salinas' ex-husband

Tried to separate the two And when both men Went to hold her down That's when she allegedly Bit her husband In the penis Wait a minute Whoa

Bite the ex in the penis. Wait, why was the dick out? I mean, I think she just bit it through the pants. No way. Jeans? No way. I agree with you on that. I don't know, man.

If you're angry enough. And tight jeans at a rodeo. You gotta wear tight jeans to a rodeo. That makes it harder to bite. You gotta, like, get the jean around. You know, a lot of cowboys, as soon as they get home, they just straight up unbuckle. Oh, yeah, I've heard lot of cowboys, as soon as they get home, they just straight up unbuckle. Oh, yeah, I've heard that about cowboys.

Yeah. Thanks, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do undo the belt buckle. You know, that belt buckle, it gets up on your fat. Sure, yeah. It's really big. A lot of times. If they're rodeo champions, then it's huge.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah. I know a lot of rodeo champions. So you're going to let that buckle down a little bit. Let his defenses down. Mm-hmm. That's why you're going to keep that buckle buckled. Get that dick bit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the husband says he's already made up with her, saying it's just what they normally do. He said, I have assaulted her before in arguments. Oh, yeah. Awesome. Fantastic.

We work it out. Let's just say I had it coming. I think they were double teaming her and then Fantastic. We work it out. Let's just say I had it coming. Wait, I know. I think they were double teaming her, and then she got mad about it or something, and she bit the husband, and then they didn't want to really say what it was. That's a good point. It's possible it was this man moved in upon the request of this other fellow. What if they just wanted a rotisserie a whole bunch of times? They were both holding her down.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, dick was definitely in her mouth. The man was probably from behind. Yeah, definitely. No, they were fucking her. Didn't happen to the genes, man. It probably happened. He probably took it out and put it in her butt and she bit down.

Bit down with her butt teeth. You're a good detective, Ed. Oh, she bit down. Okay, I get it. Yeah, because they were giving her the Eiffel Tower. She was scared. Bit down out of fear. Guy lost part of his pee-pee. You don't hear a lot of stories about men biting women's pussies. No.

You know, a lot of the dick bite, but no woman. Has any man ever bitten another woman's pussy? I'm sure. I did my first time. You did? Yeah, I thought the term was eating a girl out, so I thought that's what you had to do. With a knife and spoon or a knife and fork? No, just chopped down.

Just cut a hole in it and just sort of ate. Just sort of like bit at it. She was terrified. And what was her reaction when you literally bit her pussy? This is Skatul. She screamed. Yeah, yeah. Did it continue on afterwards or or was she just over it?

I don't remember how it ended. It's not like I magically learned. Right. She had to have told you. Did you watch porn before that? Uh-uh, no. I didn't really have any access to it. We saw a little bit, but not really.

Not really. I mean, yeah, we just saw a couple. The vagina's very tough. See, I'd seen plenty of porn before I had my first relation. Oh, okay. Yeah. You were also really old. Yeah, I was 19. 19 when I lost it.

Really? And I fought her tooth and nail, but man, she got it out of me. It was a tough time. I was just like, I don't think, and she was just, but she was a dancer. That's amazing. Hot sweaty love in Florida, man. So you fucked a chick after you bit her pussy?

No, I didn't have sex with her. She wouldn't tell me she loved me. What? That's why you didn't fuck her? What is wrong with you? I was a virgin. You were a virgin and you wanted to find love first. Yeah, I was waiting for the right girl.

She wouldn't say she loved me. Tell me about your mother. She was my first. Uh-oh. I will never compare. That's incredible. But she wanted you to fuck her. Yeah, yeah.

She had done it a bunch before. Yeah. In all the holes. Yeah, I was really into her, too. Looking back, it was sort of dumb. It would have been fine. To fuck her. Yeah, you should have fucked her.

I liked her for like six months. Yeah, I'm sure there was plenty of men that just beat the shit out of her like football team and stuff like that oh yeah she loved fucking yeah question can i can i find her on facebook maybe all right what's her name uh no everybody's gonna find her no no it's fine forget about the microphone for your face. But I would assume at this point, Ari, you've gotten much better with the oral sex. Women's vaginas love when your mouth is on them now. Man, I just keep biting.

I have to wait for that right girl who just is into it. Have you ever been bitten, Jackie? No. In the vagina? No. Oh, you haven't lived to even bitten. I guess not. Well, you will be tonight when Ari takes you home.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm about to bite the shit out of your puss. Yeah. I want it. I would be like, cud me, baby. That was like a euphemism for something. Yeah, chew on my cud. Have you ever bit?

A penis? Or just a man, a penis, whatever. Well, yeah, because I told you I read that in Cosmo. I read this tip that, like, use your teeth. Like, they think they don't want it, like, during a blowjob, but they do. So I did, and he was me, like, what are you doing? And I was like, I read about it in Cosmo. He's like, never do anything you read at Cosmo, ever.

And he's right, because now, as an adult, like, I was young at the time. Yeah, zero tooth is the best. Yeah, no, no tooth. That's why you cover your teeth with gum like you're an old woman. That's why girls with big mouths are the best. They can, you know, make a little suction. Yeah, you make a suction, but that's why I have, like, permanent

indents up on the top up under my lips. What's up, Damien? How you doing, buddy? We're just talking about men and women and biting of genitals. And I just had a sexual situation happen recently. All right, man. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so much. By the way, let's all welcome Damien Lemon today. All right, what's good? What's going on with you? Well, I have a massive bruise on my arm, and you saw it, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you had a huge bruise. What happened?

She just bit me violently during the act of sweet, sweet Ben intercourse, which is a violent thing that no one will find about, though. Maybe you were smothering her. Maybe it was like she couldn't breathe. Oh, that's right. Sometimes I confuse a lady for a victim who's trying to get away. I think biting is fine, though. You just have to temper it.

You just can't bite too hard. You can't leave a mark. I have to say, actually, I've done a little choo-choo on the old clit. It's fine. You have? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Oh! Damn.

No, it's just a little. It's like, ng-ng-ng-ng. No. It's fine. You are? Yeah, yeah, definitely. Oh! Damn. No, no, it's just a little, it's like, it's like not. That's disgusting. Don't do that anymore. I'm digging. I was asked. I was asked to do it.

A woman asked you to put those disgusting teeth on her clitoris. Absolutely. I was fucking, yeah. We're talking about a dirty hole. Yeah, terrible.

I was screaming in my head. Her clitoris is probably cauliflowered like a fucking wrestler. You got a nasty cartilage clitoris. Exactly. There was a lot going on there. It was a full vagina. Yeah, I'm sure. I hope it was a full vagina.

Not some, like, seven-year-olds. Damien, you ever get your dick bit or anything like that? It's all based on, by the way, a news story where a chick bit a dude's dick. Bit it off? They bit the dick off? No, no, no. No, she bit it because he wanted to leave the rodeo early and she didn't. That's the rodeo's euphemism.

I've had my dick bit a little bit. Nothing crazy, but enough to be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. Sometimes a little slight pressure on it is not too bad. See, that's what Cosmo says, but I heard that that's not the truth. I don't want any of it. A little pressure's not bad. It's the dragging.

Oh, yeah. The dragging's what's up. It depends on how sharp the teeth are. It's true. If you're using teeth as a placeholder, so you can move your eyes on the shaft, that's okay. I wish I could see what he was doing right there. That was real right there. Very, very good.

Like an inchworm. So what's happening with this woman who bit this man's penis? Well, she just got called 911. I don't think they're pressing charges or anything like that, but it was all a full police report. And, of course, this man talked to local news agencies because this story comes from CBS 13, Sacramento. Ooh. Yeah, you can see a little bit of the guy right here.

A little guy there. Yeah. What's going on with the rodeo there? I just see some rodeo footage. Rodeo refusal. This is CBS. This is the guy right here. He looks haunted.

This is after he's been bit. Yeah, that's after he's been bit. He looks like some bum fuck. Yeah, well, I mean, they got into a fight at a rodeo. He's not going to look like an aristocrat. He's not the Great Gatsby. Rodeos are fine. Rodeos are great. Rodeos are awesome.

Have you guys ever been to a rodeo? He didn't even press charges. That's a slow ass news day. Sacramento's a nice place apparently. Tons of meth. Tons of it. Oh yeah. This is the only story that gets out.

I saw a dude he was like sitting on an embankment so his legs were below where his waist was and he was peeing in like an sort of an oval

and then he was running his hands through the pee stream like it was a candle and he couldn't get wet if he went fast enough just sounds like a terrible laser light show.

Yeah, and his buddy was next to him just watching it, just like staring at it. Quicker, quicker. His brain was there. No, I think he got wet that time. Try it again. Yeah, see, I don't think that was bad.

I think that guy was just training. Yeah. He's the world's greatest ninja now. You can't even piss on him. He's very, very fast. If you'll notice over here on the screen, this is the news report. Anthony Hill is the only man who elected to talk to the reporters. If you'll see, there are two people blurred out on each side of him,

which I will imagine would be the wife and the ex-husband. Why did he alone choose to talk? Did he call the news? He did. And say, like, my dick got bit. Get down here. I got a story for you. And they did. That's the thing. He called a press conference.

Can you just call something and they'll just show up and write about it? I mean, it makes you want to go out there as a comic like, shit, I can get a crowd. I can build a fan base. Stories. So what's up I mean would you call

would you call a press conference if your dick just got bit I feel like it's a humiliating thing to have happen to yourself nah nah that's that's I mean maybe he's not had too much dick activity maybe that was what it was

so indirectly he was letting people know you know there's been a woman that's had my dick in her mouth it didn't go the way I thought it would but I just need to let you know for the record.

It is definitely proof. In a police report and on film, a woman has had his dick in her mouth. It was violent and disgusting. Alright, Marcus, what's up? Police in Philadelphia are hoping that video of a man shooting up A strip club

With an AK-47 Over a DJ's song selection Will lead to his arrest They love music in Philadelphia What were the songs It doesn't say what the songs are Although it does say That it was his favorite song

Total Eclipse of the Heart I would shoot someone up Because of Total Eclipse of the Heart If they did or did not play it? No, if they did play it. He wouldn't play the song he picked out and wanted to. Yeah, the strip club DJ, the guy requested that he play his favorite song for a stripper to dance to. The strip club DJ didn't play it. The guy comes back in with an AK-47 and just sprays.

See, this is what I'm guessing. He wanted him to play Let's Go Out to the Movies. Let's go out to the movies. Was it his birthday? If it's his birthday, then he was in the right. Better be Tipton. We gave him 20 bucks.

Yes, investigators said that 21-year-old Henry Pettigrew was being sought for the May 11th shooting at Purple Orchid Gentleman's Club. Sounds like a nice place. Pettigrew. Here place. Pettigrew. Pettigrew. Here's a picture.

I actually think. Here is Henry Pettigrew. Oh, he's so young. He's 21. 21. Purple Orchid is the most disgusting name I've ever heard. You never wanted your orchid to be purple. Yeah, it sounds like a bloody pussy.

It does sound like a bloody pussy. Or like a beat up pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get punched too hard. Yeah, you get nailed. Yeah, you gotta punch it some times. It's a asshole with a bunch of blood a beat up pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. With a punch to it. Yeah, you get snelt. Yeah, you gotta punch it sometimes. It's a asshole with a bunch of blood blisters on it. That's what I thought.

Oh, God, really? Yeah. Have you ever seen a woman with a blood blister before? Like after getting a bikini wax? No. I don't want to see that. This one girl's dancer, like she was like, have you ever gotten a bikini? We were in high school.

Has anyone ever gotten one? I was like, no, of course not. She was stripping while you were in high school? You what? She was stripping while you guys were in high school? No, she was getting bikini wax. She was a dancer. Like an actual dancer. They exist.

Yeah, there's people who get paid to dance. Like with clothes on? Who the fuck would ever pay to see that? Oh, oh. I really didn't get it either. Oh, yeah, no. She's a ballet dancer. So she had to get it shaved because the leotards come up high.

She's like, you know, as I've been walking funny for the past few days? I was like, no. She's like, you want to see something really disgusting? I was like, yeah. Can I ask, were you guys smoking cigarettes in the bathroom at the high school? No, we were smoking cigarettes at like 2 o'clock in the morning when her parents were asleep out by the pool. Gotcha, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so she lifted up her underwear

and showed me and right in the crease, right where the labias are, was this huge blood blister that was probably the size of the palm of my hand. And you were like, have you been with Ari?

Wait, on the wall? On the, right in the labia? Like in here, like from the lip. Wow. When you peel it back? Like from the lip where you peel it back to like the crest of the top of her leg.

It was a huge bloodluster because they ripped it off wrong. So it was just a big oozing pus wound. Wow. And you can get them. They're actually something you get often if you get bikini waxes and they don't know how to do it correctly. So be careful of that if you're ever going down on a woman because it will pop and it will ooze pus all down her leg.

You're going to think she's a squirter. It's the worst squirter of all time. All I did was bite it. I would like to hear the two different conversations where the guy was like, it was amazing. She came all over my mouth and she's like, it was awful. He popped my blood blister. I don't think he's ever going to talk to me again.

In his mouth. That's why, it was awful. He popped my blood blister. I don't think he's ever going to talk to me again. I pussed in his mouth. That's why you always start with the lights on. Yeah, you got to see it. You got to see it. That's the thing. You got to check it for bugs. We always have to check

for blisters first. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check for all kinds of stuff. Yeah, I got a special flashlight for it. By the way, you cannot get AIDS from pus.

Oh, great to know. Cool. That's great. Thank you. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. That's surprisingly interesting, you. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Nice to know. That's surprisingly interesting, isn't it?

I thought any kind of bodily fluid you could get it from. Nope. Tears. I thought we cured it. We didn't cure AIDS yet? No. I barely hear anything about it anymore. We're close.

You got some money. You're doing really good with HIV. There's an AIDS cure. You got a couple dollars. Magic don't got AIDS. I'm sure. He's fat. Magic don't got AIDS.

He's fat. He's hanging out in my neighborhood doing advertisements for. I'm sure. He's fat. Magic don't got AIDS. He's fat. He's hanging out in my neighborhood doing advertisements for prepaid credit cards. He's fine. He's doing good. He's on top of the world

some might say. You know what I like? Is that Pettigrew? What is his name? Henry Pettigrew. Henry Pettigrew. He was at 21. You're doing pretty well

if you can afford an AK-47. He is. And a banana clip. Yeah. Thorough. I had a Saturday. Did he kill anybody? No, but he did.

Well, here's what happened. Police said that bouncers at the club tried to remove him after he became angry because the DJ would not play his favorite song. Pettigrew and an accomplice then assaulted a customer who they mistook for one of the bouncers. When the customer ran to the parking lot and tried to flee in an SUV, Pettigrew grabbed an AK-47 and began firing at the vehicle. The customer was hit above his right hip and was expected to recover. The video then showed Pettigrew falling, apparently due to intoxication, as he tried to run back inside the strip club.

The suspect fired several rounds in the direction of the DJ. The DJ could be seen ducking for cover as a bullet struck the mirror behind him where his head had been. Good shot. I want to know what the song was, though. That's what I want to know. When I read it like that, I want to know what the song was.

That's the best advertisement for a song. Exactly. People are shooting up clubs to hear my fucking song. I think 2 Chainz was probably involved. Ed, what song would you do it for? song exactly people are shooting up clubs to hear my fucking song i think two chain yeah two chains was probably involved ed what song would you do it for what song would you shoot up a club if they wouldn't play this is how we do yeah and they probably be like i'm upset yeah they probably do no we just played that like five songs ago. And you're like, okay,

let's shoot the fuck out of this place then. That was amazing, by the way. Your voice is sharp, Ed. Yeah, Ed, you should be like a lounge singer. Yeah, you learn sentences that you can do, you know? I can tell you love that song, though, because you definitely sang that shit. Yeah, there was soul in it. That was real love.

Damien, have you ever been involved in a shooting situation? Nah, nothing crazy. Shot a gun in the air, nothing crazy. I've never been on the other side of a gun, no. Why did you shoot the gun in the air? Just because, you know, I just wanted to shoot it. For fun, it wasn't a warning shot or anything. No, it wasn't a warning shot.

But the bullets didn't come down and hurt anybody? They didn't hurt me. They were good enough. Yeah, they were good enough. We're good enough. Nobody got hurt. So did you just shut down the strip club or did you just continue on performing after the AK-47 fellow runs through? You shut it down, you bring it back for the

2 o'clock buffet the next day. Oh, okay. Shut it down? That's too bad, man. It was for the night. I was at a strip club on Saturday called Pumps and I was all alone. I was the only man in there. Yeah. You went to Pumps by yourself? Ben was at a strip club on Saturday called Pumps And I was all alone I was the only man in there You went to Pumps by yourself For three hours alone It was not Saturday it was three o'clock on Friday Whatever

How many women Four And were they all pregnant or just three out of the four No I don't know how they were after I left But they were Very Yeah right

You couldn't impregnate a stick Thank Well no you can't A stick is made of wood No they're easy Everybody knows They're fucking easy No

But no it was Good point Don't be on his side Damien I'm just saying Thank you Damien Thank you Damien For choosing the good side Every now and again

People come to my area But no it was amazing I had 160 bucks with me And I just went there Thank you, Damien, for choosing the good side. Every now and again, people come to my area. But no, it was amazing. I had $160 with me, and I just went there, and I spent all of that money on four girls, and they were just around me. Why? Because they were amazing.

What is wrong with you? What's that? What'd you get, anything? I got a lap dance. Well, this is the thing. I walked in. I'm alone. So I said, can you guys put CNN on the TV? What?

So they put CNN on the TV. This is the truth. You're a'm alone so i said can you guys put cnn on the tv so they put cnn on the tv this is the truth you're a freak i asked to see it in the i want to hear about oklahoma while i get my dick rode by a stranger and it was the sound on uh no no okay they're playing this music yeah i had to shoot up the place they played everything i wanted to hear um but it was actually very funny they censored this one song that was the chorus was sit on my dick. But they censored the word dick

as this stripper was sitting on my dick, which I thought was very, very bizarre. But it was phenomenal. It was my favorite strip club experience of all time. And I just gave them ones like once every like,

you know, two minutes. You just always just like give them once and you saw them like make out and suck on each other's titties and things. Why would you spend $160 on that? I've been out in Williamsburg with a lot of girls and spent a lot of money like that and they're

disgusting women. Who cares? At least you get to fuck them. Hey Bing, can I read the series of text messages that you sent me? Sure. Uh oh. Here's the first one. This is at, well, I apologize. It wasn't 3. It was 4.47 p.m. on Friday.

That's right. I'm classy. 4.47 p.m.? Yeah, post-morning. Yeah. This stripper is a serial killer. Oh, yeah, she was. Tried to murder her roommate with mouse poison.

That was her whole story. She wanted to kill her roommate. While she was giving you a lap dance, she was telling you that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she's working the day shift in pumps. It was great. Anne was about to kill her with a hammer, but the girl never took a shower.

She wanted to kill the woman in the shower with a hammer, but she's like, she just never took a shower. Wow. I love her. That was Layla. I'm hard as steel, bro. Beautiful woman. I'm hard as steel, bro. There woman. I'm hard as steel, bro. There's a big fat girl on stage now.

Uh-oh. She really liked it. She was fat. I'm the only one here, and I think these girls really like me. Oh, that's a sad delusion, Kissel. That was such a sad delusion. That was a joke, you know. But yeah, they did like me, though. Man, all I want for my birthday is a big bootyusion. That was a joke, you know. Yeah, they did like me, though.

Man, all I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe. That's two chains. Wow. That's two chains. What was the occasion? Was it your birthday? What was the occasion? No, I had another occasion.

He got off work early for Memorial Day weekend. That was the occasion. Boom. That was that. It was your remembrance of veterans. What's right over here, right? Pumps is on Grand Street. Grand Street. And that was at 547 PM, and that was the last I heard from Ben that day.

Yeah, because he came back to the place a little after that, and we hung out. Dry as a bone. Oh, man. It was amazing stuff. All right. Now it's time for a segment from Olden Daily. I don't understand. I just...

I'm like weirded out by that. Why? It's a Friday afternoon. Go for a walk. I did go for a walk. $160. He walked to the bus and it took him to pub. He walked to the ATM and back again.

Yeah, Ari, do you experience a lot of strip club situations? I have. I'm not really that into them. No, they're not so good. The thing is, I got that lap dance. I've gotten a lap dance. I just... I got. I'm not really that into them. No, they're not so good. The thing is, I've gotten lap dance. I just, I got it,

I was forced to do it. You can never relate to what a lap dance feels like to us. Yeah. Wait, you were forced to get a lap dance? No, by a dude. Yeah.

Oh, okay. A friend bought it for me when we were at a male strip club. Oh, that's just so weird because the guy's just banging his dick and balls against your nose and shit, right? I guess I was just weirded out

because it's like, just fuck me then. The guy's gay. Well, yeah, he's definitely gay, but he's still hard as a fucking rock and putting my hand up and down on his dick. Oh, wow. Alright, that's pretty close then. Yeah, it's like still like... Might as well fuck you. But that's the thing, for me, I guess it's just like a different

dynamic where it's just like, all right. Okay. Yeah, there's nothing here. That's how we feel. That's why I don't sleep with women because I need like, there's not enough. This is boring. Right. But I guess dudes are different because it's like riding on you, but you don't.

I always felt like you really need like two grand to do a strip club right. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. If you're going to fucking do it, then fucking do it. Fucking fuck. I guess so. Get ganged. If you're trying to live that strip club lifestyle. Yeah. yeah, exactly. If you're going to fucking do it, then fucking do it. I guess so. If you're trying to live

that strip club lifestyle where you're making rain and shit, I don't like strip clubs like that too often. I mean, I do a little bit, but it gets you frustrated. You know what I'm saying? You dig hard

and you really want to finish. And then you want to go beat the fucking shit out of somebody because you're hard. I'm not saying you're hard. You're also with your boys, which is always a weird thing.

I beat my dick in the strip club. I'm not going you're also with your boys which is always a weird thing. I beat my dick in the strip club. I'm not going to lie to you. I've been that cheap motherfucker that was like my dick is a little too hard. I need to go unload this pistol.

Just go. I'll go to the bathroom and let it go. Yeah. Fuck it. Save a couple dollars. Then watch how little I spend then.

Yeah. We should be. We should be. I got exactly. It's all that. It's like I got to go save some money. Oh man. Yeah, yeah. We should be, we should be. I got exactly, it's all, it's like, I gotta go save some money. Yeah.

Oh, man. I gotta save some money. I need to do it. it's nice to get paid to come, sort of. All right, well, my segment was gonna be,

you know, Damien, I wanted to talk to you about this before the show, but I wanted to see if you wanted to give some relationship advice to some people

on the round table. So we had some questions and stuff, you know, we wanted to ask. I'll start with my own. In a year from now, I'm supposed to move in with my lady. I talked to my brother today. Him and his lady, he moved in

for a year and a half. They're probably breaking things off. It's making me worried. I'm going to miss hanging out with my boys and living with Ben and with Kep. Yeah, we're having so much fun. We're getting drunk. The floor is covered in nachos, you know. Diarrhea, things like that.

Yeah, things like that. So I don't know. Should I be afraid? Should I do this? Should I go ahead with it? I got a year with her still, too, to make sure. You put up, wait, wait, wait. What's so funny?

You set it up as if you're about to get married to her. You said in a year you're going to move in. So you actually set a date. You were like, we're going to set a date for me to share rent with you. The lease goes up. Our lease goes up in a year from now. That's a good point. How long have you been together?

Almost two years. So by next year, it'll be three years. No, next year you'll just know her as friends. You guys are just new roommates together So you think it's over? Yeah A full year? That's a long time for it to last

It's already lasted two years Yeah Are you I mean so What's the hesitation? What you thinking? I mean I don't know I'm just like afraid

My essence will be How long do you spend How often do you hang out with her now? She lives in Queens, so we hang out half the week together. So you stay over there a couple days a week? I stay over there. She comes over. And then we got three days of buffered days, though, that we don't hang out.

And I kind of dig that. Y'all fucking raw? Y'all getting raw in or what? Yeah, yeah, definitely. If you don't get her pregnant within this year because they're all already fucking raw and shit yeah yeah you got a destination to when you're gonna like that term yeah fucking raw i get it yeah it feels brazen yeah you enjoying yourself no i think it'll be all right i mean worst comes to worst you move out all right it. Alright, fuck it. Ed? What?

Jackie? Relationship advice? How can I help you? Sure. Alright, I do have a little actually. It's something I've been thinking about. I've been talking to this chick. Really sweet girl. Cool as fuck. Loves to drink. Real cool. Not the hottest chick in the world, but really, really

cool, really, really sweet. I think I'm too much of a monster and I'm just going to fucking ruin it and be a maniac. What do you mean? Are you dating? I don't trust myself. No, no, no. I don't want to start hooking up with her because I know she'll like me. She's a little younger than me.

I know she'll love me. She's not the hottest chick, but she'll love me. He recently broke a heart. Oh, okay, so you're wounded. You're wounding women out there. the hottest chick but she'll love me. He recently broke a heart. He recently broke a heart. Oh, okay. So you wounded. You wounded women out there. I feel like I'm gonna

be a monster again. What do you mean be a monster? What do you mean? I'm saying he recently broke another chick's heart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what is the monster thing?

You fucked her. She's a bad person. What happened? You didn't get rid of the relationship? How did you destroy someone? What's the monster portion? You just end up being

just drinking all the time, not being polite. You know, just being a fucking... Banging dirty chicks. Being a monster. Yeah, just a general piece of shit monster, which I think is where I'm at right now. So she wants a relationship is what you're telling me. I don't know. I don't know anything about that.

So what's the question? I'm scared to even talk to her. Because you're going to hurt her so bad. Because you're scared to hurt her. You like this girl. Should he pursue the girl? Then move on. No, because you said she ain't even attractive,

so go be a monster to something that gets your dick hard. Yeah, right? And just let her be your homie. As long as y'all cool, then that's cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to be a monster to your homegirl. That's a good point. Especially if you don't fuck her.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Thank you, then. Awesome. Good. I'm on the road. Hell yeah.

Absolutely. Keep doing this. Harvey, tell me something. Open up, man. What's going on? fuck yeah yeah yeah well it's been a long time since I've had a relationship yeah I just end up you know just going light light relationships and and I'm pretty happy about that you live in the dream are you okay yeah so do you think I should let some girl control me? I think you should enjoy your independence, brother. You should just lift that light. All right. I'm good with that.

Keep fucking with no regard. I'm thinking of getting a vasectomy for real. Wow. You got kids? No. You just don't want any? Yeah. You don't like wearing condoms?

I don't. Does someone? I can't. I hate it. I can't, but I hate it. Dan, you only wear condoms though? We'll get into that. Alright, so I've been with my man for like six years. We are going

to our first wedding together in a few weeks. I can't believe you haven't been to a wedding six years you've been together. Well, we got together young, and now we're friends with mostly comedians that none of us get fucking married. So we're going, I've been to weddings, he's been to weddings, but never together. What do you suggest I do to make him not like when i'm crying at the wedding which i'm gonna do because i'm emotional to be for me to show him like i don't want you to propose right now don't think that i want this i just love love and this is beautiful keep it

100 that's what a dude really wants to hear yeah because that's what you that's what you need to know going in like listen we about to see some things. You just say, listen, these people love how they love. We could just be independent parties. I may be overwhelmed emotionally, but that doesn't call for you to step in and do anything

drastic. Do I bring in the fact that my mother, I know for a fact, because he told me, but she hasn't been talking to me about it, has been emailing him, offering him, because she's got a bunch of gemstones, offering him diamonds for him to make an engagement ring out of. Well, let me ask you this, Jack. If that man did get on his knee and asked to marry you, what would you say? I'd say yes. Well, then fuck it.

Then you good. But that's terrifying. Well, I know one thing, he's not going to propose to you at someone else's wedding, that would be the tackiest shit ever. That would be the tackiest shit ever. Hold on, hold on in the front,

I just wanted to say something to my wife. I had to say one thing right here. No, but what if instead of as the priest starts, you know, with those two people, you're sitting there and be like, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to gather here today for a surprise wedding.

And then those two people leave, and then your boyfriend be like, ladies and gentlemen, we got together here today for a surprise wedding. And then those two people leave and then your boyfriend gets up. I would shoot up everyone at the wedding with an AK-47. If my mother came out, I'd be like, no, I'm out. It's kind of fun. Just be cool, though.

That's why he did it straight up. Yeah, be cool. Yeah, I'm fucking raw. I mean say, just be cool, though. That's why he did it straight up. Yeah, he thinks it. Be cool. All right, Kissel. Yeah, I'm fucking raw. I mean, I can't even begin this. Because Damien and I have been looking for answers for a long time. I got him here, bro.

I bet Damien has every fucking game played under every title and category of fucking. He's got nothing on the BK broiler. I'll tell you, I fucked a lot of chicks. And what is the thing? That's what you call yourself? He's bringing tons of them home, man. The BK broiler? No, it doesn't matter.

That's a cheeseburger. No. Let's all talk about fat jokes and how I am fat. You're the king. You suck at cheeseburgers. No, now let's blame me for it. Classic. Classic. Thank you, friends. Go me for it. Classic. Classic.

Thank you, friends. No, so I'm banging a bunch of different kind of girls and stuff, and I'm on to a new batch now because I go in threes. I'm done with these threes. I'm done with these. But now I got three. They all look the same, by the way. I see them.

No, I'm on a new series. Please, different color hair or something. No, they're all Going to be brunettes Yeah All brunettes All tall All with like bangs All like same

Look the same Nice titties Perfect Literally Yeah Actually I'm Shocked and amazed By many of the women

Ben brings out That's correct But what I'm saying To you Damien Is I'm looking for love Yeah And I don't Exactly know

Because I'm A relationship man In and I don't exactly know because I'm a relationship man in theory I do very well with relationships so I just went with a different I've just been in like three-year relationships two-year relationships and now I'm just banging a bunch of different chicks but I want another relationship and I'm having a difficult time snapping this multiple pussy scenario because like you get to it, but I'm fairly miserable. I'm drinking a lot. Vodka's happy. Sobieski Vodka, that company made a lot of money

because of me. One girl will make you happy? One girl could because I got an ADHD brain. All these girls stress me out. They make me exhausted and I come in all of them and all those things and it's wonderful but i but i do want to find that one girl though but how do you transition the mind back to a single pussy an orientated single pussy brain see i can tell you that you're

not ready though you know what i mean i can tell you because first of all you're too excited about all these multiple pussy you're calling them batches. You're loving it. You love the stats that you're doing. You love that you're living like a hero a little bit. I'm John Starks right now. It feels good. 1996. It's a lot of-

Eastern Conference Championship. A lot of random vagina. Pussy. Loving it. Loving it. Because what you're doing is you're not fucking these women. You're fucking your ego. You understand?

You know what I mean? Oh, he's good. Oh, he's good. I am. You know what I mean? You're bumping up your ego. You would fuck your ego if you could, but you can't. So you got to go through these women's vaginas.

You understand? So you don't really see these women for anything more than a conquest. Which is cool because you still a conquistador. You know what I mean? Oh, well, please. But. Never call me Hispanic. see these women for anything more than a conquest. Which is cool, because you still a conquistador. You know what I mean? Oh, well, please. Never call me Hispanic again, though. I'm so sorry, Ben. I think once you cool with

just not telling anybody that you fucking... Because Holden is your roommate or whatever, I'm sure you're like, yeah, I'm pulling. I know you like to parade him through. You know what I'm saying? Look at me again. And I'm in my pajamas playing video games. He's like your biggest fan.

So when he moves out, maybe at that point you may get serious because then you won't have somebody there that's like, damn, again, Ben? You know what I mean? You won't have that. And then you might have somebody you can just chill out with. But until then... Okay okay that's very nice but no you're true i i want one more i want one sooner uh than than in a year but i will say that's what happened i was wronged by a

woman yeah and then i felt like i needed to fuck all the girls to get back at that one woman she's dating a friend of mine but i will say that uh will say that that's a good point, though. All right, Marcus, you got any questions for Damien? No, I'm just judging today. All right, what do you want to say? Marcus, what's your question? Marcus, give a question. I don't have a question.

All right. How come Damien, how come you know so much about relationship stuff? I'm just one of those guys. No, I'm in a relationship with one that, we can say that, but two, I'm also talking out my ass right now. It's all about the measure of conviction, you say it,

and it feels like an authority. I'm talking out my ass for you. I'm going to ask you three guys right now because I think it's between Ben and Jackie as to who got the best advice here. Okay. Alright, so you guys have to vote. Who thinks that Ben got the best advice? I think the name

of this episode should be called Fucking Your Ego. Alright, Fucking Your Ego, Ben gets it. There you go. Hey, alright everybody. Once you know, Damien's the real winner. I mean Damien. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Appreciate it. He was gonna be the winner from the beginning. Damien, you're the one right. Well, that's great.

I was so close to winning another fucking game, but then I didn't win the game. And I fucking almost lost it. You're going to have to fuck your ego, Ben. Go fuck batches of women, Ben. You'll win it. Go fuck your ego. You want to report it to the strip club and claim you want a girlfriend. BK Broiler.

That's Ed Larson. That's Holden Minnelli. Thank you so much for being here, Ari. Ari. You didn't say my name, but I'm here, too. They're just going to be winning. Yeah, they're going to be great. And Damien Lemon. All right. BK Broiler. Thanks for having me. BK Bro here, Ari. You didn't say my name, but I'm here too. Yeah, they're going to be great. And Damien Lemon.

BK Broiler, everybody. Everyone give it up for BK Broiler. Fuck some hamburger patty batches. Oh, right. Jesus. No, no. I never had sex in my life. I'm a nice man.

Hey, yo, check out DLemonInTheMorning.com, please. Yeah, that's my... I got a radio show And my request Check it out Please Don't do that Don't

Don't check out Dlemoninthemorning.com Thanks again I appreciate that Thank you That's Ari's website Ari says Do not

It's a point Counterpoint Because they're A morning radio thing