The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 147: Mom's Ugly Lunch

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a disgusting new delicacy is discovered in the wilds of China, a 600 lb man is charged with felony food-snatching, and in a rare occurence, a personal story involving masturbating on a train segues into a news story about masturbating on the train. Joining us today: Julia Young and Malachi Nimmons!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. It is gonna get hot in here, guys. Yeah, it's gonna get hot, guys. I civility. It is going to get hot in here. Yeah, it's going to get hot, guys. I'm sorry. I think either someone stole one of our air conditioners or we just managed to lose an entire

air conditioner. It happens all the time. I don't really know how we managed to do that. You're praying today, Eddie. Oh, I'm praying today. Yeah. Alright. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen. Amen.

Dear merciful God, please, please, please, please, please, please check in on Russia. Why? It's just, you know, things are a little tough over there. I know you don't like them. I know they kept you out with that curtain for so long. Santa Claus wasn't allowed in, but, man, it's tough over there right now. And if you could just go ahead and give them a look, see, I got some relatives over there. I mean, I don't really care about them or know them, but if you want to see if they're all right, I'd appreciate it.

But if also you don't want to go to Russia, I understand. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen. Amen. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this roundtable? All right. Well, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there. I've been

thinking a lot lately. Everyone knows my brother, Hong Kong, Henry Zabrowski. Hong Kong, Henry Zabrowski. And I'm fucking sick of that nickname. And I'm starting to get into the Asian action. Because everyone knows I hate Asians more than he does. And I think I fucking deserve

the nickname. All right. What do you want to go with? All right. So I'm going to give you guys some options. I'm hoping that maybe someone out there, if you guys want to write in, tell me which one to choose. I got a few of them going right now. I kind of like Kong Hong. No, that's too.

No, that's not fair. Kong Hong Jackie Zabrowski. That's good. You're Kong Hong Jackie Zabrowski from now on. Yeah, I like it, Holden. That's great. Kong Hong Jackie Zabrowski That's good. You're Kong Hong Jackie Zebrowski from now on. Yeah, I like it, Holden. That's great. Kong Hong Jackie Zebrowski, everybody. Kim Jong Jackie.

Tokyo Jackie. No, it's Tokyo Jackio. Tokyo Jackio. I'm sorry. Is that like Jackio? You're scooping up your loss of the sprains. Yeah, but then I'm going to wear big sunglasses and big funny hats. What's wrong with that?

But my favorite one, which I, it depends on what you guys think, is Jackie the Gook. Or you can call me the Big Gookuna if you want.

Go with Gookuna, man. I mean, Gookuna, I think, I'm making a big ploy on the internet. I want fucking Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski to be dead. I like the Big Gookuna, man. I mean, Gokuna, I think... I'm making a big ploy on the internet. I want fucking Hong Kong Henry Zebrowski to be dead. I like the big Gokuna.

Yeah, yeah. The perfect amount of racism. Inappropriate. Inappropriate. We love all of our Asian friends. So fans, please write in. See where you'll help us pick a new name for Jackie. I'd appreciate it.

Marcus, where do they write to? Cavegumbyradio at gmail.com. Also, just if you were an Asian fan in general, we want to hear your story. And you still like the show? I want to know why. If you're nice, loving people who enjoy good comedy. Alright, well that's Edward, and of course we've got

Holden McNeely over there. Hey! That's good. Thank you, Holden. I'm not going to do one every time. This one's normal. Hey, I'm Holden. Fine. Hello. Nice to meet you. Hey, I'm Holden. Fine. Hello. Nice to meet you all. Here goes the Jeep. It's good. Kevin Barnett.

I don't got a lot of time left, man. All right, all right. We better get on with the show then. Joining us in the Chuggle Hut is Malachi Nimmins. Thank you so much for being here, Malachi. And I'm so sorry that you had to hear all of that terrible racism up top. Thanks for having me. That's what the show's about.

I enjoy racism, though, so I appreciate every little bit that comes. I like you, Malachi. Then we're happy you're here. And Julia, I believe it's Young. Yes. Thank you for being here, Julia. Let's just get to our first news story. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy?

Still in Asia. We're going to China for this first story. All right. Dead girl. Chinky Jackie. That's a little bit too far, Joe. We got that out of our system. Yeah.

We already flushed it out. We already deleted Asia. I know. Well, that's why I thought it was safe to go to Asia because you already got all your shit out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what you think. This is the quickest we've gone racist ever. I think. No, no. I was saying, like, man, I just did. That's what I was talking about

not having a lot of time left. Me and Kizil were shooting this thing earlier, like, man, I just did. That's what I was talking about, not having a lot of time left. Me and Kizzo were shooting this thing earlier, this video, and I just, it was like a talk show thing. I was just attacking Puerto Ricans, like a lot. Oh, not much time left in your career. Yeah. In his life. They're going to stab him.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. Sometimes it just slips out, man. Yeah. We were supposed to be talking about superheroes, and somehow I just hated Puerto Rican. I was pretty upset because the Puerto Rican whole thing on the Coors Light can pissed me off. And then they got all offended and made me take it off the Coors Light can. This is an American beer. Yeah, I know, but they like Kool-Aid.

That's a dope-ass tag to have on your name. Zero to racist in five seconds. Starring Vin Diesel. Alright, Marcus, let's hear some of this story. Officials in China have listed a local food delicacy of eggs soaked in boys' urine as part of the region's intangible cultural heritage. Unbelievable. Intangible?

Boys' urine? Every spring, street vendors in the city of Dong Yang sell... How about that? Dong Yang, Jackie Zabrowski.

Dong Yang is good. They sell, quote, virgin boy eggs as a unique snack. Basins and buckets of boys urine are collected

from primary school toilets. Eggs are then soaked and cooked in the urine. God, the boys don't even get paid for it? Of course not, it's China. They do that in the Catholic Church too, I think. Yeah, it's a different kind of liquid that they boil the eggs in.

It's similar. There's no good explanation for why it has to be boys' urine, just that it has been so for centuries. Yeah, there's no girls left. That's got to be pretty flavorful, right? Is there a virgin, young boys

urine? It's got to taste good. Does virgin urine or poor urine taste any different? If you're a super promiscuous fellow I bet my urine tastes a lot different than a little boy's. You got to ask, what are they drinking? What liquids are they putting in themselves?

Dirty water. Dirty water. Soy sauce. Soy sauce. It's too... I feel like we're on Family Feud. Do we see soy sauce? That's a good question, though.

I wonder if they feed them a bunch of watermelon for a week. Onion juice. Onion juice? Oh, that makes some of the best pickled piss egg. I love it. The scent of these eggs being cooked in pots of urine is unmistakable as people pass through these street vendors.

It smells like eggs boiled in piss in here. Oh no, I'd recognize that smell anyway. Unmistakable smell of urine. G. Johan 51, who owns one of the more popular virgin boy egg stalls, says Stalls?

Stalls. They sell them in stalls. Right in the bathroom stall. Right in the bathroom stall. You light the bottom of the toilet on fire, you just put a bunch of eggs in it and you boil them right there. The boys are terrified of that bathroom. They're like,

No, no, please don't feed me a nap. We don't like hot toilet. Living like the kids in the movie Sleepers. We don't like hot toilet. He says, if you eat this, you will not get heat stroke. These eggs cooked in urine are fragrant. They are good for your health. Did he pronounce it fragrant?

Fragrant. They are good for your health. Our he pronounce it fragrant? Fragrant. They are good for your health. Our family has them in every meal. God. Damn, that's a lot of eggs. Family's dead. In Dongyang, every family likes eating them. It takes nearly an entire day to make these unique eggs,

starting off by soaking and then boiling raw eggs in a pot of urine. After that, the shells of the hard-boiled eggs are cracked, and they continue to simmer in urine for hours. That gives them that urine flavor. Yeah, but aren't those eggs just disgusting because they've been soaked in any kind of liquid?

Yeah. But they've got to be mush, right? Is it like a mush pot? Well, here's what happens. Vendors have to keep pouring urine into the pot and controlling the fire to keep the eggs from being overheated and overcooked. Oh, okay. And they say that it's popular due to

its fresh and salty taste. Oh, the salty thing! That's disgusting! But pee is sterile, right? Right, yeah, it is. If it didn't kill you, it would just... It's disgusting. Yeah. This was messed up. Somewhere there's a basement, like 12-year-old little dudes chained up with like water being fed into their mouths and like forced to pee.

That's awful, man. Oh, man. This might go save those little boys. Or the farm that these kids have to grow up on. Yeah, the piss farm. Literally harvested for their pee pee. Yeah, literally getting the piss peed out of them. I just imagine they would always have have a bottle wrapped around their dick.

So also, anytime they ever got hard, it would get stuck in there and hurt really bad. So they would never get hard again. These are prepubescent children. They're not getting hard. You can get hard if you prepubescent. Yeah, you can get hard whenever. There's pictures of babies in the womb with big old boners. Oh, yeah, man.

Really early on, I had a hard dick. Well, that's why the little boys rub themselves, right? Yeah, it's just nothing comes out of it. That's the only difference. It's too bad. It's immense pain, I think. I don't remember my first hard-on. No?

No. I do. I do, too. What was your first hard-on all about, Al? I was in camp, man, and I was at camp, and we all had to take showers in the big-ass shower. Yeah. And I hung around for a long time because... Pun intended. No, I was just standing there, and then all of a sudden I was like,

Hey, I wonder what would happen if I put my hand in a circle and play with my dick for a while. And it got hard. It never happened before. And I was like, Oh, shit. What is this? Were you freaked out by it? Not a little, but it was pretty cool. I was in the shower for like three hours. They thought I was in bed already, so they came to find me. Oh, that's amazing.

And so no other kids were in the shower with you until you get hard? No, there was nobody. I waited until they left because it started a little bit, and then I was just like, I'm just going to stay here. It'll ruin your life if you get a boner in the shower surrounded by a bunch of boys. I mean, that's going to really ruin your camp experience. Depending on what kind of boy you are, I guess. I mean, yeah, but yeah, I did it. I was sneaky, man.

I used to climb trees and shit and jerk off all the time. Oh, man, that's so scary. Did it burn your shit on you? Oh, no, it's just Malachi, the kid who's named after an eagle. Is that dude jerking off in that tree up there? I've never even heard of that, man. That's insane.

I had to find places to hide because I had four sisters and two brothers. We lived in a one-bedroom apartment. You can't find a corner to be alone. So I would climb trees. If I was on the subway alone, I was like, ha-ha. You were jacking off in the subway? Hell yeah, man. If I lived in Chicago, if it was between 86th and 96th

Street, I was like, I have seven minutes to get it popping. You would just publicly masturbate? No, I mean in public, but no one would know, even if they saw it. They would know. I mean, we have a coat on and it's cold. People just think you're trying to stay warm. It was that bad. And I was a kid.

They think I was just scratching myself inappropriately. I was just scratching myself inappropriately. I was young. It's all right. It was so awkward for everyone. How old were you? Like 10, 11 years old? Probably like 16 or something.

Oh, you weren't that young. Yeah, man. 16 years old. That's not young enough. 14, 15. Who knows? But it was fun, man. You got to have experiences like that.

I just lived a life where i did what i wanted i love it the freedom that's in your mind is just like whatever you wanted to jack off climb a tree or get on the train and like if someone asked me like are you jerking off over there like what are you talking about why would i be doing that man this is a nice little chubby kid and leave me alone i I love that you were hurt by them. They were bullying me the entire train ride. They didn't even let me jack off. No, the thing was, I was the one who had the trouble

because you know how hard it is to come and not show it on your face? It's very difficult. Yeah, that's my question. Did you just cum in your pants? Yeah. I guess there's really not many options Yeah I wasn't keen to the fine art of carrying things To clean up after yourselves

I mean you never know when it's going to hit And I was just like You can't expect to get on an empty train I didn't know when one was going to come So I just had to seize the opportunity So how many people were on the average train That you jacked off on? Oh no I never do with anybody else

One time there was one other person at the other end, but he was homeless so I didn't have respect for him. I jerked off to the homeless as well. He was jerking off too. I felt like he would have been or should have been. He probably had techniques for you. He probably did. Hey man, don't face the window. I can see you from everywhere.

You're not wrong, kid. Let me show you how Stinky Pete gets down. Between you and the homeless person, who's going to be jacking off on the train? Yeah, we'll have a contest and see who pops off first. Oh, that's amazing. Any more with this egg story? Of course, we do have another news story

that's mildly related to that. No, we have a news story that is directly related to that story. A train driver on Melbourne's Sunbury line was caught masturbating in the driver's... Is this more Australia? Yeah, more Australia. What's going on over there? I don't know, man, but they're doing great.

A train driver on Melbourne's Sunbury line was caught masturbating in the driver's cabin after he told passengers there would be a, quote, short delay. Something about a Two and a half Three minute delay Depending on my Wi-Fi connection At least he stopped Driving the train

Is it better or worse? I feel like it's respectful Yeah sure Do you jerk off In the other direction In Australia? Yeah They come out of their butts

I've heard that It's a weird bunch Yep Inspectors entered The driver's cabin And found Ian Higgins, 34, masturbating. He was completely naked. Oh, that's a different story. That's such an Australian name, I feel like.

Yeah. Ian Higgins. Ian Higgins. Ian Higgins. Oh, dude. That's like a Cockney name. Oh, yeah. Ian Higgins.

That's like Ian Higgins at your service. Tug of war naked. Well, a sunbathe train departed from Flinders Street. Oh, that's good.N. Eggins. A.N. Eggins, at your service. Tug of war naked. Well, the Sun Bay train departed from Flinders Street. Oh, that's good. Flinders. I like that. Thank you. Thank you.

Can you collect? As the train approached Southern Cross, the train had stopped, and the driver announced, there will be a short delay. Rosie Williams, 24, was already late to work due to a previous delay. Again, Rosie Williams. And she became impatient. Quote, he didn't say

how long the delay would be or why there is one so we were waiting for a good five minutes and I lost my temper. Williams reports that she approached ticket inspectors

on the train to see if they could resolve the cause of the delay in which she ratted this dude out. She ratted the dude out and that's the point

that the inspectors entered the car to find the man completely naked. Oh, come on. Leave him alone. I feel like I've been on a lot of New York trains where there's definitely been masturbating. Because there's no reason for there to be delays the way that they are.

I feel like MTA jerks off a lot. Do you on the tracks? Yeah. I mean, as long as it keeps them calm and comfortable, I think it's fine. Yeah. They live underground, for Christ's sake. They're mole people. Yeah.

It's tough. It's a tough life. Do you guys ever get wet on the subway with the way the seats are or anything? There's something about my thighs sticking to plastic that really just doesn't get me very wet. Okay. Wet underneath my thighs, definitely. A lot of people do.

A lot of middle-aged to older African-American women really are not secretive about the fact that they read erotica in the subway. That's true. You see a lot of Fifty Shades and stuff, but it's all black chase. It's also Zayn. Do you guys know who Zayn is? No. It's a premier erotica.

No, no, no, not Billy Zayn. Thank you for that. I would rub off to that. I know what you're talking about. Zayn is a black erotica novelist. Okay. And so you'll just be like looking over and you're like, oh, there's a sweet old black lady next to me. And then you look over and I swear to God, this happened to me.

And I look over and I looked at a sentence and it was like, Shanice would fuck and suck her way to the top. And I just look over and this lady is 65 years old and she isn't even covering it with Grapes of Wrath cover or anything. No, it's like how old guys fart really loud in the bathroom. She's just comfortable with it. But they're all getting off on the subway. And real quick, Marcus, can we get some titles of some Zane books? Would be great. I would love to read those.

I bet we could guess some that would be pretty close to what they actually are. Because they're not very creative with the names of those books, man. Black Hot Sweat. The tightest pants. His publisher is called Black Expressions. Okay.

Some of his book titles. It's a man or a woman? It doesn't say. I think Zane might be a lady. It's just a one name, huh? It's a good name. It's like Shakira. That shit's insane. Honey flavor.

Honey flavor. Flavor. Chocolate flavor. Is that the secret? Also works for General Mills, apparently. Yeah, he gets all of his ideas in the supermarket. That's fine. Love is never painless.

That's a very serious one. That's his L.A. Confidential. Nervous? Question mark? No, just nervous. Is that like a rape fantasy one? It must be. You nervous? You nervous?

I'm a rapist. It's probably about a guy named Joe Nervous or something. Succulent. Chocolate Flava 2. Yes! That's the one I want to read here's the problem man if a white person wrote these books people would be pissed the fuck off what do you mean

black people get to say whatever they want a white person writes a book with chocolate anything in the title people are going to get mad unless it's about chocolate even then still call it dark or something it's bullshit Charlie and the Chocolate it black or call it dark or something. Like, it's bullshit. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is just him going to jail.

Yeah. No, Roald Dahl was a piece of shit, and I love all of his books. Roald Dahl hated Jews, and I'm saying, yeah, he hated Jews. Was he a Frenchman? He was English. He was British. Did you say juice or Jews? Jews as in apple juice.

If he hated juice, that would make me upset. Julia, do you read a lot of erotic fiction? Does that turn you on? Seems like that's a big yes. That was a major yes. You're reading that shit constantly. I never knew how Roger Rabbit sounded like when he came. I'd steal it from Black Ladies on the Train.

No, yes, online, but it has to be well written. The grammar has to be correct because I feel like it can really draw you out of the moment. If they don't know how to spell, why are you apostrophe R-E? That gets me out of it. Okay. Yes, that to me is more interesting than your video pornography. I feel like when you say

you see old black ladies reading that shit on a train, you mean Julia Young. Yeah. Don't have to use my full name. Okay. Y'all want to hear some of the top 100 bestsellers?

Of course. Please. Honor Thy Thug. I love that one. God damn. That's good. I'm going to name my first album that much. Honor Thug.

God damn. That's great. I don't even care about copyright. I'm a Christian rapper. You can't copyright titles. Yeah. Justify My Thug. Ooh.

Okay. This one's by Zayn. Hot Box. A novel. That's a fart story. Payback Ain't Enough. This one's by Zane Hotbox, a novel That's a fart story Payback ain't enough Baby Mama And From the Streets

To the Sheets Oh That's what I want my comedy album to be What is From the Streets to the Sheets What do you imagine that novel's about, Jackie? Fucking homeless people. Bringing them up, cleaning them up, and then you fuck them in your bed. Right, right.

What's the point about that fetish where you take all those people, clean them up. Yeah, give them a diapy, and then you fuck the shit out of them. And here's something that I notice on these books is that most of the time, the name of the author is much bigger than the name of the title of the book. Okay. Why are you ashamed? Like Midnight and the Meaning of Love by Sista Solja. Sista Solja.

I thought that was the name of the book. Oh. It's not. It would be a weird name for the person. Yeah. But Baby Mama, Nichelle Genovese. She's not too proud of that one. Nichelle or Michelle?

Nichelle. That's N-I apostrophe C-H-E-L-L-E. I fucking spelled the goddamn weird name. Nichelle. No, man, because it's like, black people do that. It's like culture. Yeah, you throw apostrophes in and then it's West African.

Oh, is that what that is? It was killed. Deja? But it was like D apostrophe A-J-A. No, that is a racist rumor that is debunked. Deja, but it was like D-A-J-A. To Dasha, yeah. No, that is a racist rumor that is debunked. It's not a racist rumor? It is.

Nobody actually knows anyone named Arangelo and Lamangelo. These are all rumors started by white people. But Deja was just murdered in the name. Yes, my cousin goes to school with a girl whose name prints as Diana, but I think that is the exception, not the rule. That's a perfect name. I love that. Yeah, that's gorgeous.

Malachi, what are some of the craziest black names that you've heard? Other than your own. Oh, shit. Well, that's a nice, he has got a nice name, Ed. I mean, yeah, it's very nice,

but it's not normal. It's not Ed. I grew up in Chicago and the hood, like, you don't know people's actual names. Okay. No, you don't know people's actual names.

No, you don't, because that way when somebody gets caught, or they ask you to write rad on somebody, like, who was it? It was Junebug. What's his real name? I don't fucking know what his real name is. That was Junebug. That's probably how you didn't get busted for jacking off in public all the time. Yeah, I told everybody my name was Larry. I mean, it doesn't sound hood at all, but it sounds white,

so they wouldn't come looking for me. Yeah, Larry didn't do it. That's not very white. You ever hear somebody's hood-ass name, their real name, and the first thing you say is, damn, you were going to get a job nowhere. Parents have fucked them. I've seen so many people whose names I'm like, what the fuck? What are they thinking?

What are some of those names? I'm trying to think of some really bad ones. The NFL player DeBrickashaw? Yeah, DeBrickashaw. How did you even come up with that shit? They were high as fuck when they named him that. DeBrickashaw? They put three things together that aren't even things, except for the brick.

DeBrickashaw. Which doesn't even move. He's great, though. I like it. It's creative. But he got great because he realized that was all he could do. Like, you can't even get a job at Save Mart with that shit, man. Bust fucking heads, bro. Yeah! I wonder if it turns off a certain lady.

Do you guys, if somebody has a terrible name? Yes. Is that going to, so that's an immediate turn off for you? Hi, my name's Gorf. It's Gorf. All right. So let's say you meet Gorf and you love Gorf. He's super nice and super charming. Could you date him?

I don't usually ask their name first. Although I am currently friends with someone that I heard she's dating someone named Angus. And of course in my head I'm just like I saw that movie. Oh, so it's a fucking fat sweaty kid.

That's not beef. That's getting that meat. Yeah, but he's a fucking vegan tiny. That's not fucking Angus. Fuck this guy. I went on a date with a guy who had the same name as my brother and I couldn't even go through with it because it just felt weird to me.

It's like a normal name, but you just I don't know. That was even weird. I guess that makes a lot of sense. I couldn't date somebody who has my mother's name. I think it's weird and creepy. What's your mom's name? Laura. Okay. Laura is such a big name, though. Laura, you're not going to date any chick named Laura. I've never dated

a Laura. I've never met a Laura. You've never met a Laura. Other than my mother, I came from one. It's a very popular name. It's a common name. It's not that common. I feel like it is. I don't think I could date a Laura. What about a Lauren?

I could do that. I never trust a Lauren. That's a rule. I'm kind of with you on that one. They're bad people. I slept with one of them. That didn't go over very well. I mean, I'm kind of with you on that one. They're bad people. I'm thinking about two of them. Yeah, you never know a nice Lauren. I slept with one of them. That didn't go over very well.

Yeah, I don't like Laurens either. But I made out with a Lauren once because I told her she looked like Danny Glover. So my guessing is you were right. No, she didn't. You gave her a pretty big job. No, she was actually very pretty. She just had kind of a big forehead. So that was her only...

She had a good, solid complex. Yeah, exactly. That's what I got to do because sometimes you got to bring them down to your level. So I was like, if I can't get fit in the next 10 minutes, I got to bring you down to where I'm at. Get bangs.

I think you're pretty anyway. Yeah. No, I didn't even say that. I was just like, look, I'm the best you're going to get, so you may as well. And are you single currently? Hell no. Yeah.

Yeah. No. Malachi gets so many phone numbers from girls on the subway. It blows my mind. On the subway? Yeah. Malachi goes, I've started having to put last names in my phone because I'm getting multiples of first names. Really? Yeah. I can't do the subway thing, man. I just can't even like. What's the subway? Yeah, Malachi goes, I've started having to put last names in my phone because I'm getting multiples of first names.

Really? Yeah. I can't do the subway thing, man. I just can't even like- What's the technique? Yeah, what is it? What are you doing? No, you just got to be bold as fuck, man.

Like, if anybody glances at me, I take that as they want to fuck, so I walk up to them and I'm just- Yeah, and I'm just like- And you drag them back to your house. No. I don't want to. You're a homeless guy on it. I don't want to incriminate myself.

No, I just, like, I told this girl, I was like, I saw you looking at me at my glasses, and she was like, I was looking at your hair, actually. I was like, whatever, you were looking at me. And so then she got up at the stop, and I was like, is this your stop? And she said, yeah. I was like, it's mine, too, now. That is the most rapist sentence I've ever heard. stop and I was and I was like is this your stop and she said yeah I was like it's mine too now I said it with the smile my face it kind of winks at no other shit worked I'm telling you man well because of your glasses I wouldn't think that right don't look like a rapist cuz you're he glasses. I think everyone's a rapist, though. You're a public masturbator.

And a rapist. You, my friend, we gotta rebrand you. You're not nice. You're not good. You're an admitted sex offender. Was, man. No, when you're a kid. When you're under 18, that shit doesn't count.

That's true, yeah. You're just experimenting. See, I feel like I gotta up my game on the subway. Every time I try to get numbers, I just walk up to them and say, I'm sorry that I scare you. They never want to come home. They just throw the number at you so you go away. Yeah, yeah.

I'm like, just write down any number. Just write down the number five and I'll get out of here. Just want something of you. Julia, have you ever been approached on the subway by a real creepy dude? No. No, it's usually on the street. Oh, yeah. I used to live in Harlem, and I made the mistake once of wearing a strapless dress, which I don't usually do.

And I was walking, and this car drives by me, and he slows down, and he rolls down his window, and he goes, Hey, girl, you like picnics? And I was like, what? What the heck? He was so excited. It's a great line. I was so confused. I was like, what? He's like, you know, you get food and you go to a park and you eat it.

And then I was like, yeah, I guess. And he's like, get in my car. Let's go get some sandwich meat. What a gentleman. I would have got you in the car. It'll be three years in August. That's how you met Malachi. That's good.

I like your game, Malachi. Did you get a car? I never thought of luring in a girl with sandwiches, which is already my favorite thing. We love sandwiches. That's true. Ladies love sandwiches. Use that picnic line, though, that's actually, especially on the train,

like all these girls wearing all these slutty shit. It's like, girl, you like picnics? You like picnics? Of course it's like girl you like picnics you like picnics of course i do all girls like picnics yeah oh this is perfect for me man i need to thank you so much i'm learning right now yeah i was crying on the subway today that was my version of public which line was it which line what's uh the uh seven train oh okay the four okay i've done and then to the seven train there's a trail of tears so what happened what's going? Why are you crying in the subway? Because I don't do well in life. You're doing fine.

I think you're having a fine time. It doesn't matter, but I'm saying now I understand. I'll do the sandwich thing and then I'm going to say, this is my stop. Two now. That's what you say, all right?

No, not like that? No, you look like Patrick Bateman when you do that. Yeah, so we're fucking now. That's not bad. That's good. That's a good sociopath. No, you look like Patrick Bateman when you do that. Yeah, so we're fucking now. That's not bad. That's good. That's a good sociopath. No, no.

You gotta get glasses. The glasses make you less threatening automatically. You've got glasses? No, he's got tiny psychiatrist glasses, though. No, you need big glasses that show you have a weakness.

Because you're tall. You're a big guy. You're threatening to women. And a big hat. Yeah, and cut your penis off. Yeah. All right. At least part of it.

Tuck it back. Good, good. Let's move on. Well, I have a story about another big, fat, disgusting monster. Okay. Oh, good. Who was the first one that we were talking about? You, buddy.

You. Oh, that's good. A 600-pound Florida man arrested for scamming restaurants in 2007. 600? Wait, scamming restaurants? Like, all you can eat? Scamming? You'll hear.

Let's go. He was offered a plea deal when prosecutors discovered it was too expensive to incarcerate him, according to the Orlando Sentinel. Of course it was Orlando. It was Orlando, yeah. George Jolicoeur, 38, is infamous for ordering food and then complaining about the quality and refusing to pay after he eats it. I love it.

Here's some of his crimes. The obese thief once devoured five milkshakes before finding a hair in the last shake and refusing to pay. All right. Jolicoeur was arrested in 2007 after downing nearly $50 of beef jerky from a 7-Eleven then claiming the last few scraps were moldy.

Police took that. To be fair, a bag of beef jerky is like $8. It is expensive. It's not that much beef jerky. He said $50

worth of beef jerky. It's a 7-Eleven. That's low quality. And what, did he eat it in the store? He must have just done that, right? I don't know.

Pimmikin's not that low quality. You can buy Pimmikin in 7-Eleven. Beef jerky. Okay. A good Pimmikin beef jerky. It's got an Indian on it. It's pretty good. You're just sitting there.

You're working at the 7-Eleven. There's a 600-pound man just in there eating a pile of jerky. Right. I was just, get out of here, man. Do you approach him? I wouldn't talk to him. At the same time, at least he's got a hobby. I mean, I saw what's eating Gilbert Grape.

She couldn't leave the house. He was just getting out of the house. He was talking to people. He was being creative. That's true. What's the guy? In my head, 600 pounds means mentally retarded, of course. He's not stuck in a house.

He's getting out there. All right. After the beef jerky incident, police tracked him down at his home and arrested him. Jolicoeur said on his way to prison, quote, the beef jerky got me. That's my favorite quote ever. The beef jerky got me. What a fat asshole.

Is there a picture of him? Oh, yeah. I love it. Oh, shit. Holy. He's as sweaty as we are right now. He is a swamp monster. Yeah, check out the Roundtable we are right now. He is a swamp monster. Yeah, check out the Roundtable of Gentlemen Facebook page.

He looks like a penis. He actually looks like. He does look like a big fat penis. That's got to be so uncomfortable. Like, his neck is just on his chest. No, his neck. I mean, you can't even see the hem of his shirt collar. Yeah, he's got a gullet.

Why do they say please track him down? Like, that was some hard shit to do? Right, right, right. He obviously can't go far. Yeah, they swallowed sweat all the way to his house. Yeah, we found him. He was three feet from the 7-Eleven, passed out from all the beef jerky that he was hustling. Get the fuck out of here, man.

You get that, John Slug. Here's why he can't go to prison. After Joe LaCour was charged with five counts of felony petty theft, he became ill and bedridden. He now resides in a nursing facility and relies on a respirator to breathe. After prosecutors discovered that the state would have to foot the bill for Joe LaCour's medical care, they offered a plea deal. He's in a nursing home at 38?

38, yeah. Oh, that's brilliant. Yeah, yeah. Assistant State Attorney K, Assistant State Attorney Kion Ware said he's in his prison cell. He's not getting out of that bed. Ah.

But the food is good in nursing homes. So he's only gonna get bigger. He's gonna get bigger. He's definitely gonna get bigger. He's not lasting very much longer. No, 600 pounds?

They should just let him fucking die. Yeah, I think that's sort of what's happening. I think they're just slowly He's just too lazy to breathe. He's on think that's sort of what's happening. I think they're just slowly... He's just too lazy to breathe. He's on a respirator.

Or he could meet an old lady and find love in a hopeless place. Yeah, man. It's better to burn out than it is to fade away. Kergen says it. It's good enough for me. Eddie, in your restaurant experience, have you ever fed somebody that was so fat that you were like, I feel like I'm killing him. I feel like I'm murdering this man slowly.

Oh, no. Big people always get better food from me. I always treat the big people good. They know good food. Yeah, absolutely. And they love it, too. They get so happy. Yeah.

But they're not foodies. They're just like shitty big quantities. Cheetos. Right? Man, I love Cheetos. Wait, have you had the jalapeno Cheetos? Have I had the jalapeno Cheetos? Jalapeno Cheetos, Jackie Zabrowski.

Sorry, I'm sorry. That's not my nickname. Jalapeno Cheetos. The cocoon. It is so hot in here. I know, I'm dying. I'm sweating to death. I'm so covered in sweat right now.

Your hair is slicked back right now. I am fucking so sweaty right now. It makes us look like I'm like 20 times drunker than I actually am. I know. It's great. I still don't think it should be a felony to eat $50 worth of beef jerky from a 7-Eleven. That's a misdemeanor if I ever heard one. Also, how old was that beef jerky if it was moldy?

It wasn't moldy! It was $50 worth of it! It's so strange how the last thing he tended to eat seemed to be the thing that was fucked up. He brought some mold from wherever. From his neck. From his ass.

From his ass and his dick. Put it in there. Oh, where did the hair come from? It was like a pube or something. One time we got Chinese food. This was years ago. And we're eating our fried rice. And there were fucking fingernail clippings.

Fingernail clippings. That will ruin you for a year. That's the worst. Fingernail clippings. That will ruin you. That's the worst. I know, it's the worst. If I find a hair in my food, I just take it out. Fingernail clippings, though.

Have you ever seen the Gipsy World records of the Asian dude that had the longest nails in the world? Here's an interesting fact. I'm sure you guys have wondered how do those people wipe their ass? I have wondered. A lot of them carry around a big wooden spoon with them and then wrap toilet paper around the spoon

and then wipe their ass that way. We should all do that. It actually sounds more sanitary. It does. As long as you don't use a spoon. Wait. Do you guys ever see Asian people clipping their nails in the subway? Oh, yeah. As long as you don't use a spoon. Wait. That's true. Do you guys ever see Asian people clipping their nails in the subway?

Oh, yeah. Because apparently that's good luck, is what I read, is it's good luck to cut your nails in front of someone, and that's what they do it. Did you read that in Chocolate Flavor? They also eat fucking piss eggs, man. Why would you listen to anything they say to do? Oh, it's good luck.

Get the fuck out of here. Is that the new slang? You're a bunch of fucking piss egg eaters? Is that how you fuck out? Get the fuck out of here. I read a story the other day that one of China's foreign ministers... He said Chinese. One of China's foreign ministers released a statement to the Chinese people traveling abroad

telling them to fucking behave when they leave the country. Did you know at the Louvre, the famous museum in France, there is a sign outside that is only written in Chinese that says, please do not Mandarin or Cantonese. Mandarin or Cantonese.

One of the two. I have to! I'm the only one that says anything nice about them. Ben. I must do this. Otherwise, it's going to be terrible for all of us. Ben, piss eggs. Yeah. They're doing it to themselves.

They're a nice group of people. It's not our fault. We're just pointing this shit out. I like how they claim they do stuff for good luck, but no Asian has ever had good luck. Never, man. But the sign outside of the Louvre says, please do not defecate or urinate in public. See, and you know why that's there? Because they do that shit, man.

They bring the racism on themselves. It's not our fault. We're just stating the facts. No one will ever be able to understand Asians. It's just a fact. No matter what, they're continually surprised and confused. As a race. Why are they so good at doing nails?

Because they think clipping is their good luck in this fucking subway. They're so good at moving fast. Tiny little people draw tiny little pictures. I think it's probably hate-fueled. It has to be at least a little bit. Because they look at you like you're the biggest piece of shit. Yeah, they're definitely talking about me.

I'm like, tell me to my face. They insult me all the time. They tell me I have tiny nail beds. What's that about? I don't know. Some kind of bitch-ass shit. Let's polish for you, assholes. That's the only way they can get other people that aren't Asian to hang around them for more than like 10 minutes.

So that's why. Manicure them? Yeah. $20 for a mani pet. Go fuck yourself, Asian. I hope I don't know any Asian people. All right, all right. What do we even use?

It's the heat. It's the heat racism. It's the heat. It's always the heat. It's the heat. That's why the South is so racist. That's why the South is so racist. That's why the South is horrible. Oh man, I wouldn't have called you the N-word, but it was 90 yesterday.

My bad. And you would like to accept that as an apology. Do the right thing. Super hot out. Thank you. Well, Asian people are wonderful human beings with nice family structure and good values. Very healthy. Yeah, healthy.

Alright, well let's go from Orlando. Oh, you got to go, Kevin? Up to Tallahassee. Yay! I love Tallahassee! Tally. Wait, is Kevin leaving? Bye, Kevin!

Bye! Yeah, Kevin Barnett. Great job today, buddy. Great job. Really headed out of the park. Oh, leave that fucking door open. Get some air in here, for Christ's sake. Oh, shit.

Oh, man. I'm so hot in here. It's so much colder out there. I know. What's going on in Talley? What's going on in Talley? Hometown of murder fist. What's up?

A llama on the loose in Tallahassee had to be subdued before he could cause an accident. They spit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They spit. Scooter, the seven-year-old llama, escaped his enclosure late Friday night. His owner, Jack Conrad, told the Tallahassee Democrat that he wasn't sure when the animal went missing, but they were looking

for him well into the night. The Leon County Sheriff's Office was also out looking for Scooter after receiving calls of the llama being seen on the north side of town. Sergeant Don Dennis says it wasn't until Saturday morning that they were able to chase after him. Deputies subdued the llama with a taser before he could cough. You could have just subdued him with a hug. Yeah, you could have just put a sheet over his head.

I feel like that guy is having sex with that llama. Does anyone have that weird feeling? That's kind of the funny thing. I was about to actually say I would fuck that llama right now if it had a huge block of ice on its back. Have you ever been to Tallahassee, too? It's a swamp place. Everything weird and bad happens in Florida. And Australia.

And Germany. And now West Virginia and South Carolina are really... Ohio has weird stuff. Really? All those places, they're giving Florida a run for their money. Yeah, they're giving Florida a run. That's why we're going to let the llamas loose. They're trying to get the weird back in Florida.

Yeah, where did this llama come from? There's llama farms on the north side of town. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. By where the hell? Up by Quincy, yeah. What do you do with the llama? Why would you farm it?

Can you milk it? You milk them, yeah. No, you make yarn. Yeah, you make stuff out of their wool. And you make sweaters in Florida. You cut their lips off? You cut their lips off? Yeah, you stick your tongue inside of their mouth.

Oh, okay. That sounds good. You pray with them, and they're the Dalai Lama. Yeah. I see, I see. I like that. I like the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama.

Yeah, take them on a picnic. Dalai Lama needs to be the name of the Dalai Lama. I goti llama yeah I take them on a picnic deli llama needs to be the name of the deli I got a llama bitch come on a picnic with me do you like llamas? that's the name of a sandwich place

in Chile Santiago there's deli llama oh that's brilliant I think they just misspelled it though that's funny yeah

that's possible when a runaway llama is like the top story in your town you really need to reevaluate the way you're living life, man. Get out of there. You gotta move. It sounds like Tallahassee probably got crime under control,

if you ask me. Yeah, what's going on? This is the first Tallahassee story that we've had in six months. Yeah, yeah. Things are shaping up around there. I love this. Because they keep all the FAMU versus FSU shit under wraps. Okay.

I think it wasn't that much. Just Homecoming Week. Homecoming Week's tough. FAMU vs. FSU shit under wraps. Okay. I think it was not that much. Just Homecoming Week. Homecoming Week's tough. FAMU? It was nuts. FAMU. FAMU is the black college in town. I wish Kevin were so good.

I bet he has some FAMU. Oh, yeah. I would stay inside. I was right on one of the main strips of it. You either leave town or protect your home. Or you stay inside. It was crazy. It was all cars driving through.

It was just like the streets. They literally go to the main street of Tallahassee, park their car in the middle of the street, and then party in the street. And what was this for? Homecoming. Wait, do they have step clubs there? Yes.

The drumline movie is based on. I love that movie. Oh, okay. I will never apologize for loving that movie. Of course, it's great. You said it was an excellent movie. You shouldn't apologize for that. I won't.

No, it's great. What do you think? Is it comparable to the Puerto Rican Day Parade? Or is it better or worse? Not as much rape, but more. Less rape. But more thievery. More gunplay.

Yeah, more gunplay and thievery. Someone got shot in front of Krispy Kreme three years in a row. It's the same dude. What the fuck is my donut? Every time I come to this Krispy Kreme, it's probably that 600-pound man. The fat guy, yeah, and he complained. My 12th donut wasn't Krispy. Oh, yeah, this donut had a gun in it.

It was just full of bullets. That's great. What's up, Marcus? Do y'all want to go to Romania for an exorcism story? Yeah, let's go to Romania. A Romanian lawyer is suing... The devil is real. A Romanian lawyer is suing his local Orthodox bishop and four priests

claiming they failed to properly exercise flatulent demons that were forcing him out of his home. Interesting. Flatulent demons? He farted himself out of his house. Fart demon. That's what happened. He farted so much he had to leave his home.

Madeline Chikulescu, 34, accused the five of fraud after they turned up several times to exorcise the demons, which are responsible for the bad smells that were ruining his business. He claimed that after the failed exorcism, the demons even started haunting him at his home at Potessi in Argus County

in central Romania. Sounds like he has to lay off the cabbage. Yeah, it does. Definitely. The case alleging religious malpractice is reportedly the first time there has been such an allegation made in a Romanian court.

I bet that's happened so many times in Florida, though. It's not even news anymore. Does this remind anyone else of Casper the Friendly Ghost, the movie where the ghosts were farting?

I was thinking more of like a Dracula Transylvania type setting. It's more like castle and demon related. I wanted to bring up Bill Paxton. Pullman? Was he in that movie?

That was me, Bill Pullman. Devin Sawa? Yes. Thank you. That's all. No, people actually feel, like I'm going to open up a little bit. People actually feel that way.

When I was a kid, my mom, swear to God, like this is a 100% true story you can ask any of my siblings. She used to tell us that like farting in front of other people was satanic. And I'm not lying, man. Like if we would fart in front of our siblings, she used to tell us that farting in front of other people was satanic. And I'm not lying, man. If we would fart in front of our

siblings, she would start screaming and saying we were demon-possessed and start reading Bible verses. What? I never heard of that. No, that's serious. My brother and I would fight each other. He would be sleeping. I'd go fart in his face. Like, ha-ha, the devil compels you, bitch. And I'd run away. Seriously, we would fart on each other, and that was a major

insult in our house. So did your mother show any other signs of mental illness? Yeah. Well, I didn't on each other and that was like a major insult in our house. So did your mother show any other signs of mental illness? Yeah. No, I didn't figure it out. I mean, I was jerking off on the train. So like, really, who am I to pass judgment? It's hereditary. We all agree.

You can fart in front of anyone. But you can jerk off wherever you want. It's a great deterrent to have your kids stop farting in the house, though. I love it. Yeah, it was wonderful, man. This guy probably needs to go gluten-free, I would say. Oh, yeah. It's got to be like a sewage problem, right?

All of Brooklyn smells like farts. Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's just a housing issue. Well, the four priests had all tried and failed to exorcise the demons, according to the legal papers that named Bishop Constantine Argatu, even though he had not been to the property, as he was in charge of the priests who had been

there. There's going to be a Glade plug-in in that place. How bad do I want to watch those priests yell at that dude? He's right up at his ass. The power of Christ compels him! Just blast him with a big water on him! Blast him with water on him.

Wiping his ass with a spoon. Put a crucifix on his ass and shit. Oh, so great. His ass is levitated off the ground. All right, I'm going to shove some garlic up there. Bunch, make it work. It's vomiting on us. It's spinning around like it's on a swivel.

Nothing else goes on in Romania, right? No. Is it pretty cool now? Romania's fine. I think it's a nothing land. They got a lot of gypsies. What's the Romanian diet? The Romanian diet?

I mean, Eastern European, so like I said, cabbage. Potatoes, vodka. They have weird serial killers in Romania, right? Oh, yeah. It's a cryptic weird place, right? It's like a Russian type of place. Yeah, it's cold and creepy. Bulgaria. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a creepyic weird place It's like a Russian type of place Yeah it's cold and creepy It's a creepy place

Dungeon murders Yeah but nobody cares it's kind of fun It's so spacious It's like kill whoever you get your hands on Every place looks like the Hotel and the Shining I feel like it wouldn't be that expensive To buy the whole country Yeah

It wouldn't be that expensive to buy the whole country. Yeah, we should probably just buy it. It wouldn't be that expensive. Yeah, just blow it off. But what would you do with it? I'd just have, like, Jay-Z would buy it for Beyonce. He buys it for Blue Ivy. Yeah, for Blue Ivy. Blue Ivy 2, the sequel. Uh-oh.

The squeak-o. The squeak-o. Blue Ivy loves castles. The first Blue Ivy, I don't believe that she, like, that's some Illuminati shit, man. She looks like she's 14 right now. You see how big that fucking baby is? Are you conspiracy serious? That is a hideous fucking baby.

No. She looks like Jay-Z, for fuck's sake. He is handsome. Oh, he is handsome. But not as a woman, he's not handsome. What are we going to dress on that, dude? That baby is cute. By the way, Beyonce may be hot, but she's fucking huge.

What? She's huge. Yeah, she's like 6'4". He's like, she's fucking huge. What? She's huge. Yeah, she's like 6'4". I said she's hot. No, she's not fat, but she's gigantic. She's bootylicious. She's a whole lot of women. She's terrifying.

So that kid's going to be fucking huge. She's like toned. We're not saying she's a big fat woman. We're saying she's just larger than woman. How tall is Jay-Z? He's like 10'9". He's about 10'9". I mean, Beyonce's 5'7". That's tall. But she's a broad woman.

And Jay-Z's 6'2". That's pretty good. There's this picture going around that switched their heads. So it has Jay-Z's head on Beyonce's head. And they look great. That shit is fucking hilarious. You know, she, she dated, he was like the first guy she dated.

Wow. And like the only, she's dated him for years and years and years. You see that shit? Look at it. That's the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. It looks good. Oh my God. Oh, in Cuba.

That's the controversial Cuba trip. It's so weird that, yeah, that she had that like big hair thing in Cuba. I love the controversial Cuba trip. It's so weird that she had that big hair thing in Cuba. I love Beyonce. She's a gorgeous woman. You know who's great? Her sister Solange. I am. Trying desperately to be Beyonce.

Solange Farewell. She is beautiful. Solange Farewell is her name. Solange Farewell. No, that's what I call her. What's that song? Solange Farewell. Adidas and goodbye. It's that song? So long. Farewell.

Adidas and goodbye. Tonight. It's a great song. Is that from a movie? That's from some movie. Yeah, Sound of Music. Julie Andrews? Some kind of bullshit. Christopher Plummer?

You didn't have a TV until you were 17, but you were jacking off on the L train in Chicago? That's why I was jacking off on the L train in Chicago. Dick at night. I would have been watching Power Rangers and shit. Yeah. Well, back to the fart demons. Yeah, let's go back to them. Why not?

Yeah, the plaintiff told the court, if they, the accused priests, represent the way of God, then God's ways are crooked. They did not remove the demon that made these bad smells, as they promised to do, and I still see all sorts of demons in the form of animals, usually crows, but also other such things

that are making my life miserable. When I am at home, they switch the TV on and off all the time. They make foul smells that give me headaches. Clearly a schizophrenic person. Possibly. That is the most schizophrenic in my history. Carbon monoxide.

And basically roam unhindered around my house and my business. You know what? He is a three-year-old and that's why it smells like shit and they're turning the TV off and on. That's what.

He has a kid. He thinks himself smell death. He brings in his... He brought in his mother to corroborate his claims. He produced his mother to back up his claims, saying that even the hair dryer was possessed and a black shadow came out of it when anyone tried to use it. She also said the fridge was infested by the fart demons that she confirmed left foul smells

about the property. See, I wonder what a good day is like for this guy. What is that? Like all the creatures said hello and didn't shit on him or something? Is this on Drudge Report? Where is it? Daily Mail. Daily Mail's the best.

I love the Daily Mail. Daily Mail's the best. I'm there every day. Great. I love that. I wish it was just like an upstairs neighbor that just went down to his place of business and went down to his house and just farted up the entire place all the time, opened up the refrigerator and just sharted all over it

constantly. Driving this man nuts sounds like one of the greatest times on the face of the planet. He's a good guy to see crazy. He looks like a dickhead. Take a look at this guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, he's such a douche. He looks like a murderer. And he's a lawyer as well. Oh, fuck this guy.

He's a fart on him. Permanents have like fucking five pound eyebrows, man. It's so ridiculous. All the widows peak too. They're like, what's wrong with that? Yeah, the vampires. What a place though. I can't believe that you could actually go to a real like, they're in front of a real judge, right? They're tying up the actual court system of Romania

with this story? Yeah. Religious malpractice is the official charge. Look, if my astrocism doesn't work, I want to prosecute. We're going to astrocise this butt demon. Alright, now it's time for a segment

from Holden McNeil. Alright, we're inventing sexual positions today. Because I didn't know this until just a week ago. Marcus is actually a professional karma sutra and tantric sexual position philosopher.

Professional meaning gets paid. He gets paid to. He lies about it. I gave him like four bucks last week to talk about this. All self-taught. Not accredited. I'm required by law to tell you that I am not accredited.

Okay. But still very good. Have you been... Phoenix Online. Yes. No, not Phoenix Online. Have you been to India? Have I been to India?

Have I been to India? All right, well, let's start this thing. I'll start this thing off. My sexual position is called Mom's Ugly Lunch. You are... All right Alright, well you won. So it doesn't matter. You eat your mother out while you punch your father in his fucking head.

Who's next? That is ugly. Mine's called Cork the Dork. Basically, you put your dick in a butt, alright, but then... Whose? What? Whose? A. You put your dick

in a woman's butt? Just any butt. Any butt. It could be a horse, it could be whatever. A llama butt? Oh, okay. It just has to make this noise. Cork in the dork. Fantastic. Who's next? Who's next? Alright. Mine is called Third Wave Feminist.

Oh, this sounds great. This is going to win. This is going to win Marcus over. If everyone could stop being so intimidating. Thank you. So it's when you're having sex consensually with a male and then you realize that

you want to be sexy but you don't want to have sex so you say, I do not give consent anymore and then he stops. And then you read The New Yorker. And then he makes you breakfast. And then you say, I am ready to continue having sex. And then right when

he is about to finish, you say, I don't support this. And then you read Andrea Dworkin. It's a noted feminist scholar and believes that ejaculation is the purest form of contempt for women. It's a noted feminist scholar and believes that ejaculation is a purest form of contempt for women. It's true.

Thank you. It's true. It is true. And then... I hate you. That's why it's so great. And then you watch Girls, but don't talk about it.

Very good. Sounds great. I have a feeling that you do not know what tantric no I do not who is next we go Garfin and that's when you I have sex with a woman while watching field. Oh, I would do that. Sounds fun. I hate Mondays. And you guys eat lasagna while you're just covered in spaghetti sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. That sounds like a real fun relationship activity. Sure. Until Odie gets there. Oh, my God.

No, Odie. Yeah. So, uh. Life-hearted Ryan. Man, put a big tongue on Odie. Yeah. All right, I got one. They just drew him that way, Eddie.

It's called the Howdy Doody. So you find a guy of any... Like, you are of any gender. You find a guy. It has to be a guy at a bar. You stick your fist up inside of his asshole. Bring him up on stage. You make him talk and jerk him off.

Very nice. I like that. I like that. I like that. Mine is called the Emancipation Proclamation. Uh-oh. You stand on your porch and you fuck a black person literally or figuratively. By the way, I'm black in case anyone can't see my face.

This isn't racist. Well, your name's Malcolm. They have to be facing north, and then on the last thrust, you push really hard so that they fall off the porch facing north, and then you say, be free. And then you throw some glitter in the air and shit, and then say a line from The Color Purple. Ooh! Very nice. All very good. All right, Marcus, so what is the line?

Real quick, what is your favorite line from The Color Purple? You told Hoppo to beat me? What? That's it. What is your favorite line from The Color Purple? You told Hoppo to beat me? That sentence was far too close to your fucking tongue. So immediate. I've been waiting 25 years for someone to ask me that question, Eddie. I would be mad if you asked me that shit every day. This is my stop now, Eddie. I wouldn't be able to ask me that shit every day. This is my stop now, too.

Do you know Color Purple is literally the next movie I get on Netflix sent to my house? Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. That movie's hilarious.

It's not sad at all. It's the funniest movie I've ever watched. Danny Glover is a comic genius. You mean that your ex-girlfriend is a comic genius?

Yeah. I can't believe you got fucking Tranny Glover. I'm getting too old for this. Jacking off on Tranny's jacket off in a tree and banging a chick after calling her Danny Glover. You're a lord.

You're God. It's amazing. This is living life, son. You gotta do what you do. You're winning. All right, so Marcus, before you do the judging, what's the longest amount of time you've had an orgasm for? Longest amount of time, I would say

somewhere between nine and nine and a half hours and what did you did you come the hold you were at liquid the whole time no no no it was hooked up to a IV God, no. No, no. All right, so who has the most? The longest has probably been seven to eight hours. Yeah, I know. He's not a pro.

Man, you get joy every fucking time. You read a lot of Zayn, don't you? I am Zayn. You guys didn't know that? Now, it's good shit, right? It's good shit. It's great. Hell yeah, if you have an imagination in a couple hours, man, that shit will keep you

rocking, son. What's it called? Succulent chocolate flavored two? Is that what it's supposed to be? Yeah, sure. Why not? I love succulent. I love bunches of those.

They're barbaric. Now, who was the most pleasing, most fulfilling sexual position? See, that's the thing. Out of all of them, of course, the number one thing in sex, the first thing you want is pleasure. Okay. All right. For all involved.

Right. Not just say, the woman one thing in sex, the first thing you want is pleasure. Okay. For all involved. Right. Not just say, the woman. Oh. Julia? Or the son. Hold on. Oh, come on, Mom. Daddy likes to get hit.

Or the man. Okay. He freed the woman. Yeah. He freed the woman. No, the man as in, like, Whitey. Yeah, yeah. I feel like we were eliminated. Yeah, I think so.

And Ed, I gotta say, Mine's fun. Mine's just good times. It's good laughter for everyone. See, that's the thing, though, is that it's laughter, but it's not sexual pleasure. Oh, come on.

And Jackie, yours is just simple assault and battery. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. You jack him off in front of other people. That's a lot of people are into that. Entertainment. Yeah. So the only person here who put forth

a sexual petition that is pleasurable for all involved. What is happening? Ben Kissel. No! Alright, everybody. Ben came second to Kevin. I hate cum days. That's fine.

I do want to fucking watch Garfield. I used to read Garfield. I had three books of Garfield cartoons. Like the thick ones. I've got them allfield. I had three books of Garfield cartoons, like the thick ones. Oh, yeah. We have them all. I've got them all memorized. All right, everybody. God, I just feel so good to win.

I don't even know what to do. Get me out of this room. All right. Thank you, Zabrowski, Ed Larson, and Holden McNeely. Thank you so much, Julia Young, for being here. Thank you. Thank you, Kuna. Yeah, we'll go with that. Thanks for having me.

Malachi Nimmons. Thanks, buddy.