The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 148: The Pimp Always Lives

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man in Texas is acquitted for killing a prostitute in the process of trying to retrieve services paid, a deer in Florida is rescued from a Doritos bag, and a girl in Nebraska makes the news for masturbating with a crucifix. Joining us today: Mike Recine!

Hey, Roundtable fans, this is Marcus. One quick thing before the episode begins. In case you didn't know, me and Holden are a part of a Nightmare Country band called The Cowmen. We're going to be playing this Thursday, June 13th, as a part of the Northside Music Festival. We're going to be at Trash Bar in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. You can go to thetrashbar.com to find out all of the details. It's going to be a great show. And if you want a little bit of a taste of The Cowmen, wait until the end of the details. It's going to be a great show. And if you want a little bit of a taste of the cowmen,

wait until the end of the episode, and we're going to be playing one of our songs, a song called Skeleton Dan. But without further ado, here is the roundtable. The roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will.

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. It's a medical condition. You can't be hard. It's bad for your health to be hard for more than six hours I imagine he doesn't have his pants on Well he's on the subway

Oh yeah that's right It's weird stuff Marcus you have to pray to the Lord today I will pray to the Lord And I'm going to do a sincere prayer to the Lord today He doesn't want to hear it I'm going to say thank you, Lord, for family, Texas, Satan,

and my brother that is here with us today. Amen. Oh, my God. You got looked in with Satan, Charlie. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this sort of round table, but not really a round table whatsoever? I'm Jappy

Zabrowski. Oh, is that what we're going with! And I have not said one inappropriate thing to Charlie Parks yet. That's great. I'm proud of myself. So did Jappy Zabrowski, is that the winner? Is that what people came up with? I don't know, I thought I would just kind of zing it out there

and see how it went. I feel like it flows nicely. It does. I still like the big Gukuna. Well, yeah, I think the Big Gukuna will show its big Asian fucking tiny head. Okay, well, that's a weird thing to describe.

I like Kim Jong Jackie. Kim Jong Jackie's really good. Yeah, but I think that people might want Jappy Zabrowski. The thing is, Jappy Zabrowski is more subtle. It rolls off the tongue.

You can say it around Asian people. They won't even know. Wait, did she? Nah. Nah. She would not say that now. Why would she say it?

No, no. I feel like she looked me in the eyes when she said it. Yeah, yeah. She also flicked out her tongue like a demon. Any Asian person you meet now for the rest of your life, you just introduce yourself as Jeffy Zimbrowski. Just to see if they can tell. Only to Asians.

She's one of us. Ahmed Larson. Holder McNeely. Kevin Barnett. And then I'm Ben.arson Holder McNeely Kevin Barnett And then I'm Ben And then in the Chuckle Hill We got Charlie Parks That was previously mentioned

Yo Yeah in the last hour Jackie's now made me feel Worse about myself Like I've lost my sex appeal So I think I'm gonna start Drug habit after this Oh

Alright Yeah I'm bringing him down To my level Going with H train That's actually how Jackie gets her men. Get addicted.

Yeah, it's fear and then love. Hey, watch for me. Alright, we've got Mike Racine with us as well. Hello. Thanks for being here, Mike. You're welcome. How you doing? Great. You look good. Thank you. You lost some weight. I think maybe, yeah. You also have a tan. Yeah, I've been hauling garbage a lot.

How'd you get so tan? I'm a garbage man. All the girls leave. The other day, we were filming a thing, and Racine pulls up in his garbage truck just randomly. It was wonderful. And then he gets out. We're talking. We're having a good time.

And then he shows me a foot and a half knife that he took off a dead woman. Is that correct? Wow! I didn't take it off a dead woman. She was already dead and then we just went through her stuff and... I think that's what taking it off a dead woman means. No, but Saint Germain said to me the other day he was like, you steal stuff from dead people. I'm like,

it's not stealing if they're dead. They're dead, yeah. Actually, when people die, I learned this. You can take whatever you want. You can take all this stuff. What about like... I just pictured you prying it, like there's a woman in the dumpster and you just like pry it with your cold hands.

No, no, no, no. She was gone. She was gone. What if that knife collection was like in a will? That's already worked out by the time you get there? I think so, yeah, because her son was there and he was like, get my mom's stuff out. Oh, so he kind of gave you the knife. Yeah. Oh, okay. There was a gun, get my mom's stuff out. Oh, so he kind of gave you the knife. Yeah.

Oh, okay. There was a gun, too, but I threw it out. Yeah. You just threw the gun in the garbage? It's for the best. Yeah, because I think I just know myself too well, and I shouldn't hold on to it. That's very mature of you. Thank you.

Like six months, seven months ago, you would have killed that guy. I would have kept it, yeah. Yeah. No, I hid it in a pile of dead lady clothes, and it went to the dump. But what if it goes to goodwill, and some kid's just rummaging through for a t-shirt for his mother's birthday? It's not, because I dumped it. I took it to the landfill. Oh, okay.

I don't think they ever saw it again. Oh, right. Man, I bet the landfill is fun. Yeah, it is. It really is. For seagulls. It really is. There's a little Mexican guy there who waves in your truck,

who's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. Because he goes like this. He waves his hand back and forth when he wants you to stop. That's great. It's pretty cool. That guy just gets a bunch of treasure delivered to him. A bunch of treasure. I feel like if you wrote your...

I got an iPad the other day. You did? Really? From the dump? Not from the dump, but from a job. Somebody just threw out an iPad. other day. You did? Really? From the dump? Not from the dump, but from a job. Somebody just threw out an iPad. A working iPad? Yeah.

Do they have any, like, kiddie porn items? It's like the iPad 1. No. I did go through it, though. No porn. And I was in Woody Allen's house a couple weeks ago. What? What's Woody Allen throwing away?

Just some garbage, some director's chairs. He wasn't there, but Suni was there. Really? She was, like, one of the worst people I've ever seen. Did you keep the fucking... Hold on. Of course she fucking was. I mean, she was terrible. Why was Sun Yi, Woody Allen's wife, of course the daughter of

Mio Farah, why was she so mean? She had a staff there and she was very snippy with them. Oh, I thought you meant like a big wooden stick. No, yeah. She had her driver and her chef and her maid. Did you just leave your tape behind?

What? Did you like leave your tape behind? Yeah. That's amazing though. As I was driving, I had this fantasy where I'm like, my co-worker tells Woody that I'm a comic and he's like, oh, send me a link. That's how Woody Allen gets all of his actors. I've heard that.

From Garbage Man to Woody Allen Star. Did you just throw away the director chairs? They were broken, yeah, but I think if they would have kept them. They have shit like Woody on the back of them or something? Oh, they didn't have any writing? No. What was that? He smashed him out of anger?

Yeah, maybe. Maybe Sun Yi probably did, huh? Yeah. Most likely. Yeah, he's like a frail old man. Chopsticks. God damn it, Sun Yi probably did, huh? Yeah. Most likely. Yeah, he's like a frail old man. Yeah, chopsticks. Yeah. God damn it, Sun Yi!

Can't we have a wooden chair in this house without you trying to pick up sushi with it? But it's an entire... Well, Woody, if you wouldn't get the biggest sushi on Earth, it's the size of truck tires. That's rich man sushi, man. Yeah, like a giant sushi. I can't... Oh, my... If we all get rich,

just, I can't wait to just have our own sushi. Just big sushi. Sitting on the sushi. Yeah, yeah. That size of a table. You guys want his address? I memorized it. I'll take it, but don't say it on there. Upper west side, right? What? Upper west side? Maybe. What do you say, was it a

super nice apartment or relatively tame? Yeah, it was like a townhouse. It was like a three-story townhouse. I washed my hands in his kitchen sink. But anyway, enough about me. That's fantastic. That's great.

That's the greatest perk I've ever heard about being a New England garbage fellow. She didn't tip though which I was a little disappointed. She didn't fucking tip? No. Of course not.

She's Woody Allen's wife. You would think she would tip. But it's always like the richest people that don't tip. When I was a mover too it was the same shit. They were always horrible. That's how they stay wife. You would think she would tip. But it's always like the richest people that don't tip. When I was a mover, too, it was the same shit. They were always horrible. That's how they stay rich.

Yeah. Amazing. They're a different breed, those rich people. All right, Marcus, let's get to a news story. A Catholic school in Nebraska says it is praying for a former student who returned to campus to take nude photos and masturbate with a crucifix. I like it. Wow.

That's racist. Valerie Dodds, 19, told KETV that she started a nude photography business after graduating from Lincoln East High School, but she said some of her classmates from her former school, St. Pius X High, started saying mean things, quote,

and that's when I decided to go there and show them that I'm here to stay. This is from her website. God, I wish every time I said a mean thing to a girl, she would just come in front of me and jack off with the crucifix. Like, that would be a lot meaner, I'll tell you that much. Yeah, it's a different life. She said on her website,

everyone at my high school had something rude to say to me when I started my website, and so this is my tribute to all of you, lol. I held nothing back. What? I'm ruining my pussy forever. It'll bleed for weeks after this, boys I held nothing back

I used my fingers, my toys And even my crucifix and my pussy I used every part of the school I could get into Payback is a bitch, ha ha How big of a crucifix was it? I mean, it doesn't give dimensions It must have been mildly large I just feel like the corners

You know I feel like as long as You know like how his feet are crossed over That's like a perfect like clit hitting point I think it's fine And it can't go in too deep Because you have his arms there to stop it of course So that's why you just use it

You like hold on to both of the ends Like it's a handle of a bicycle Just shove it in Do you do like a Like you're a bad girl onto both of the ends like it's a handle of a bicycle and just shove it in. Do you do like a... Like you're a bad girl. But my thing is the bottom. It's still like a

four-pointed, cornered, wooden thing. But to get it in in the first place... No, you just get your pussy nice and slushy and then it's fine. You gotta get it slushy? Yeah, you get it slushy. Kevin, that's when a woman's vagina is wet,

just to let you know. Yeah, I've never heard of that. I crush all the pussy, man. You don't got none. That's fine. That's fine. This is not so sacrilegious, though, jamming a crucifix up inside of your pussy.

What do you think, Charlie? Is this really rude to the Lord, or is this what the Lord intended? I'm just thinking she needs to be an entrepreneur here and go and patent this. Oh, yeah. And make a little bit of money off of it, you know, like the Turbo Crucifix 3000.

Indeed. Oh, a Dildosafix? Yes. This has a millionaire dill written all over it. Yeah, it's like the new rubber fist. Yeah, you want to fuck Jesus? He was a virgin. She's just giving back.

You know what's funny? It feels like Marcus brought his brother in here to show him Jesus? He was a virgin. She's just giving back. You know what's funny? It feels like Marcus brought his brother in here to show him that he's not a psychopath. I'm not! Wow, look what I did. It was completely normal, Charlie. I think it's because Charlie's so much more stable than Marcus could ever dream of. Charlie looks like the guy who has to find his homeless brother in the independent movie. Under a bridge.

Come home, Marcus. I'm fine, all right? We're a good family. Yes, yes. One of you plays with rats. Yeah, and then the other one's Charlie Parker. That's fine. You guys do know I live in Texas, don't y'all?

I mean, shit isn't normal down there. No, no, no. It's strange where we come from. But do we know, because they do have that, there is a crucifix dildo out there. There is. There is. It does exist. Did she use that?

Or do we know if she used just... No, I think it was just straight up. Yeah, she used straight up crucifix. That's so much of the crucifix you're wasting. Yeah. There's four other ends of it that you could have other whores on. Get some friends. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, she's got... Do you guys want to see her naked? Yeah, definitely. Yeah, yeah. Check her out. That's Val Midwest. She's got a full website.

Oh, my God. Yeah, she's got her... Oh, my pussy. My shirts. Yeah, Marcus, what are the name of the thumbnails? That pussy barely looks like it had a crucifix in it at all. Yeah, she's got six captions here. She's got study time

Go Big Red Which is her Nebraska t-shirt My pussy What's that one all about? My pussy Custom videos Toy time And girl on girl

But she don't fuck no dicks No fucking no dicks No dicky dicks Fuck this bitch Yeah here's her What? Eddie She's fucking Jesus Christ.

And women, what else do you want from her? That's hot. That's good. She's not gonna... I'd never want to watch her fuck you. I'm trying to get you to watch us fuck. She's a porn star, Eddie. I'm trying to give her a hundred bucks to shut the fuck up.

You're being rude. Why? You're like the people that made fun of her in high school, Eddie. She's gonna show up on the goddamn podcast or jam in a bunch of different Tostitos and random chips inside of them. Is that too much? No, I love it.

It's kind of a dream of mine to pay somebody to shut up. I've always wanted to do that. Here's $1,000 if you just shut the fuck up for the next 24 hours. I did that to my wife one day. What's the oddest thing you've ever stuffed inside of your pussy? The oddest thing? We've talked about this before.

Oh, have we? Yeah. Yeah, an egg. An egg? No, it was never an egg. What was it then? A dinosaur egg. No, we talked about the plant, remember?

Oh, that's right. You fucked a plant. Oh, yeah. A ficus? Yeah, it was more of like a fern. No. You fucked a fern? Yeah, but then there was like a fern. You fucked a fern? Yeah, but then there was like the aloe vera plant, but it was like sharp on the tip.

And then there was a bonsai tree. You've chosen so poorly. That all sounds terrible. Bonsai tree is so much width. No, no, it's fine. You just take like a branch. Then there's also the corner of a bathroom cabinet.

You just rub up on that. That hurts a lot. I'm sure it does. Technically, a cucumber's a plant. Or a pickle. I feel like there's too many pesticides on that. There's so many dick-shaped plants out there, Jackie.

Did she get her point across, though? Do you think the people that made fun of her in high school, do they feel bad now? Do they realize that Val Midwest made it? She went out and she's hit the big time. It depends on how much money. Is she actually making any money? It's a very cheap-looking website, I will say that. I mean, she's getting a lot of press from this whole thing.

I mean, she's got a big site. She says that her next live show is Sunday, June 16th at 5pm Central. Is that how she gets money? She's a cam whore. But here is a bit of her personal... I thought she was actually going to be at a strip club or something doing the crucifix.

She's got to stick with this crucifix routine though. I've never seen a stripper or a porn star do it. Oh, great stuff. It has no pictures of her actually putting the crucifix up her pussy, but here is her profile. Here's what she says about herself. Hey, guys. My name is Valerie.

Well, Val for short. I love her. She is so smart. I am 19 years old and live in Lincoln, Nebraska. Go Huskers. Here is a little bit about how I came to be naked on the internet. I started out being what they call a quote, real model.

LOL. But it was too damn boring. She's always laughing out loud. She does seem like a lot of fun. She does, right? I love her. She's so fake tan though. I needed something fun, exciting, and crazy just like me. Maybe she's a garbage woman on the side. Hence the tan.

I won't lie. I felt lost. Well, that was until I read an article in our local newspaper about a girl named Melissa Midwest, who was a famous nude model. I went to her site right away. Is that what you're calling her? Yeah, because she's not whatsoever famous. And Melissa Midwest is the worst sounding name I've ever heard.

It sounds like a... Every girl that lives in the Midwest, it sounds like anybody. Well, this girl's name is Val Midwest. They all take on the Midwest last name. There's a Manson sort of thing going on here. People like Midwest girls, man. You're from there, you don't get it. It's like the farmer's

daughter. People love that shit. I was with the farmer's daughter once, and I'll tell you, they are big and they are mean. Maybe that was the farmer's cow. Yeah, yeah. I remember thinking that I was pretty drunk. And that's her whole description. I mean, pretty much.

She goes on to say, I went to her site right away, and I saw how much fun she was having and how she obviously didn't care what anyone said about her, and I was hooked. Now I get my chance to express myself and say, kiss my ass. Get ready, boys.

This is going to be one hell of a wild ride. Love, Val. She's kind of like a hot Lena Dunham when you think about it. Oh, she is. She's sassy and strong. Lena Dunham is much trashier than Val Midwest. She's a pig, right? It's weird, though, now that everybody

can have a porn site the same way that everyone can have a blog or anything like that. Val Midwest, if she went out to Hollywood in the 1980s, she's

not making it as a big-time porn star. No titties whatsoever. She would need a lot of work done. She's too skinny as well. Too thin.

80s? Yeah. Charlie, what do you think? You're a religious fella. Do you think it's sacrilegious to jam

the crucifix of Jesus Christ inside of a woman's pussy? Kind of putting him on the spot there. I don't know if it is. I don't know if it is. No, I don't know if it is. I mean, it's not that bad.

You know, it's natural and normal. It's just a crucifix. A, I'm not that religious. And B, I think she's a classy gal. That's good. That's why we're going to do just fine, Charlie. Hey, Jackie, say something inappropriate to me. Mmm, yummy squirty parks.

Oh, my God. Yummy squirty parks. That wasn't appropriate. He also said parks, so Marcus is getting like a little bit of ricochet effect. No, he gets no ricochet. I feel like soon he's going to knock on the door and just be like, delivery. That sounds not something you would order.

All right, Marcus, is there any other classy stories? There's another classy story right here. A man who used a covert camera to attempt a lewd underskirt snap

has been convicted of outraging public decency. A jury watching CCTV footage of Brian Whitehead entering Lloyd's bar in the V-shed and placing a mystery object under the woman's skirt as she stood at the bar. Whatever happened to freedom of the press?

That's what I'm talking about here, Eddie. That's what this is all about. When Whitehead was tracked down, he conceded to police that his actions looked, quote, distinctly dodgy, but insisted he had been not holding a camera or his camera phone, saying it could have been a cigarette lighter. In his police interview, Whitehead suggested that what happened could have been a practical joke. He told officers, quote,

Maybe I was trying to light a fart. It could have been a joke. They should have put that in there. That made them likable. Yeah, exactly. He goes on to say, Maybe someone says, I bet you have fiber if you light her fart.

Okay, if you're a woman, Jackie, and you have a man who has a camera. I don't know if I could ever be a woman. Okay, but if you were, a man has a camera, and he's filming your pussy, or he has a lighter waiting for you to fart and wants to light that fart, what's worse? I feel like it's much more embarrassing to have your fart lit up without you knowing it. Definitely. Because visually, that could catch your clothes on fire. If you're just going to shoot my pussy, I mean, you can't really see my pussy anyway because my thighs touch.

So I feel like essentially, wherever the fuck he is, most women's thighs touch. He probably couldn't fucking see anything. Let the man go. Let him go. Just believe his story. Lighting random people's farts on fire. Sometimes when you light farts on fire, they suck in first and burn your asshole.

Is that true or is that an urban legend? My father said it was true. Your father took you to the track when you were like fucking three years old. I learned a lot. My grandfather. Eddie's dad never lied to him except for when he's like, be back soon.

Funny jokes. That was funny, man. Ed's a great man, and you left a good kid. He never even said he was leaving. Yeah, he just slowly backed away during a conversation. He just laughed like the Joker near the engine turn on.

I've made a great decision! Like a light bulb! I've made a great decision! As far as the dangerousness of lighting farts, because the methane, hydrogen sulfide, and hydrogen present are flammable, igniting the resulting gases can result in burns or explosions as well as the desired flame. Clothing, hair,

or skin may catch fire and sensitive tissues can be damaged. Yeah, it's more the hair thing. It's not going to go back into your ass. It's more the, it's going to maybe burn like your hair's off. Have you guys burnt like, I mean, hair smells terrible. Hair is a terrible thing to burn. I burn my hair off my arms once a week.

Oh, in the cook job. Why would you do that? What kind of life is that? Self-punishment, you know, Ed. He always likes to punish himself. I like to look like Gary Busey in Lethal Weapon 1. That's good. It's a great reference.

Ever got hurt on the job there, Mike? With the garbage biz, ever get hurt? Ever grab a bag and it's full of glass or something like that? Yeah, I mean, I stubbed my toe and it hit my leg. It's tough out there. You know, maybe like ten times a day. Yeah. But, you know, what are you going to do?

Eh, whatever. What's the weirdest thing you've found besides, you know, is the knife thing? We've had a couple hoarders. Oh, right. That's always weird because sometimes they die or sometimes they're still alive and they're there while you're cleaning their apartment out. Oh, man. And you're just kind of... Have you seen a dead body?

I haven't seen a dead body. But you smell the smell. We go into these houses sometimes and somebody's dead and I just feel like I'm going to open the freezer and there's going to be a severed head. Yeah, like Dahmer's house. Maybe you found dead cats in the hoarder's houses. Are you disappointed?

No, I'd rather not. You don't want to find dead cats. Okay, good. Are you disappointed? No, I'd rather not. You don't want to find dead cats? No. Alright, we're different though. You want to find dead cats? I mean, finding anything dead is kind of fun, kicking around. I'm kind of like a... I mean, I just hate dead stuff. You do? Yeah. Alright. That's okay. It creeps me out.

No, it's normal. That's a good thing to fucking not like. Yeah, Ben is strange and different. I mean, if I see like a dead cat or somewhere, it's normal. That's a good thing to fucking not like. Ben is strange and different. I mean, if I see a dead cat or somewhere, it just bugs me. You're not gonna like it. Different. Different than Kevin's Jamaican people. I don't know what that means. I don't know what that means.

They cook them, they eat them. Yeah, we cook food like everybody else. Like everybody else? Yeah. Okay. I was just trying to get you involved. You're never gonna have a woman that loves you. Marcus. Yes? You know, I think it's so fun when Kevin talks. It always just takes me a second to laugh on the inside.

And then slowly I smile again on the outside. Thank you, Kevin. You you're welcome thank you anyway um wow you really threw him for a loop really good man no i'm just kidding that's fine it doesn't need a woman to love you no you don't need a woman to love you i just need i need a veil midwest you know to take your money to take all of my money when i watch her do terrible pornography work. We watched a video of her. We did go to her. She's very bad.

How are you bad at masturbating? I don't know, man, but she doesn't even look like she's actually masturbating. Just kind of hovering her hand above her twat. It's not fun. I don't like her. Oh, does she dance or anything? No, she just kind of lays down on a bed. She doesn't even really take off her clothes.

She just kind of pops her tits out. Yeah, dead fish like a Midwestern woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's terrible, man. She's not going to last. That's the one important thing about that industry is talent. Yeah. Showmanship.

Here, here. Yeah, I agree. I agree. Yeah, but this girl's nice enough to get naked for you guys, and you're criticizing her? Yes. Exactly. Well, no. How many thousands enough to get naked For you guys And you're criticizing her Yes Exactly Well no How many thousands of chicks Get naked on the internet

All the time A lot of people do And I'm thankful For every single one of them Pretty much When a woman gets naked In front of you Do you thank her

Yeah There's actually Well we went to Pump's Me and my friend A couple months ago And we took this Australian guy Who we met

At a bar And he was like complaining that the fucking strippers weren't hot enough. I'm like, who are you? Well, you know, we're not amazingly hot. Yeah, but they're getting naked for you for like $20. Yeah, but in Australia they have their butts on their chest and their boobs on their butt. It's all different. Then go the fuck back there.

That's what I would say. Wow, anti-Australian. I think that's a first. There we go. Yeah. And we've been covering a ton of Australian stories lately. Yeah, that's true. It's getting weird over there. It's the new Texas.

Charlie, you've had a bunch of lonely Texas nights. You ever light a fart on fire? Yeah, quite a few times. You like to do it? It's been a long time. I was a child last time I did that. Yeah, it was a good experience? I never burned my anus, though.

You always had a nice projectile. Yeah, it never sucked back in. That's good. Ed's dad was like good experience, though. I never burned my anus, though. You always had a nice projectile. Yeah, it never sucked back in. That's good. Ed's dad was like, son, I have to leave the family. But two important lessons. One is don't light your farts on fire. It'll burn your ass. I'm sorry, I just sucked right in there.

He said that shit, and then he left the next morning. He was like, I did my job. It's just like, no fart fire and play football. That is the perfect father. So what's happening with this guy? Is he going to get off with the fart fire plea here? Oh, no. A jury found him guilty in 40 minutes.

Oh, come on. Come on. So now he's in jail. Well, I mean, he was caught on camera putting a cell phone under there and taking the picture. Right. The whole, you know. Lighter. You mean the lighter.

It was a cell phone. Well, apparently in court in Brooklyn, it wouldn't be 45 minutes. It'd be like three days. Right, Ben? Oh, it'd be a long time. Yeah. This was England. This was Bristol.

Oh, okay. Because, yeah, like. They're strict. Ben's courtroom experience, it was like they were deliberating over a video of a rape. The smallest things. Just the tiniest life issues. Did they find a site this guy was putting shit up on, or was he just taking it for himself? There was a bartender that saw him taking the picture, or saw him doing something weird,

so he went and checked out the CCTV. He called the cops. They came and got him, got the CCTV. He was charged with, what was it? Indecent, not indecent exposure, but just acting indecently. Sure, sure. Terrible, man. It's a pretty large invasion of privacy, I suppose, as large, disgusting-looking men

will never have to deal with. No one's taking crotch shots of us when we wear our skirts out there at the old bars. Lewd and lascivious behavior. That was the actual charge. Yeah. I feel like if he's not jerking off on them in public, he's taking it back to his fucking apartment. He's taking it to the privacy of his home. What the fuck is the matter?

And the woman had no idea it was being done to her. What the fuck is the matter? Yeah, the bartender told the woman. He's suffering. And he just needs that to take home. That's the one thing that's going to turn his life around for the better. There's a lot more indecent things that people do in public that people should be thrown to jail for. He could be beaten off to her in front of her face.

I'd be more offended if he was running around farting on chicks in the streets. Honestly, I agree. Lighting his farts on fire all over the bar. And again, I come back to a picture of just a pussy, not to mention one in bad lighting under a table, would never get me off in a million fucking

years. I don't understand it whatsoever. He's more getting off on the memory. Yeah, just doing it, just getting it. That's what it's about. But he does have previous convictions for making and possessing indecent images of a child. Oh, he's a pedophile. Oh, yeah, that's the kicker.

That's the real kicker here. They were looking for anything to get that fucker back in jail. I guess he's sort of evolving into a better person. What a grown man. Sort of. You should be his lawyer, Ben. Think about it, everybody.

Baby steps. Literally, yeah. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps.

Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. Baby steps. steps. baby steps. baby steps. He doesn't comprehend He's in the courtroom Why the fuck I'm trying to change That was a woman Or a guy You know Damned if you do Damned if you don't Take a picture Of a woman's pussy

What? A picture of a woman's pussy You're damned if you do And you're damned if you don't If you don't Take a picture Of a woman's pussy Have you taken

Have you taken pictures Of like Women for your like Phone I have never ever Fucking taken a picture of a woman's pussy. Have you taken pictures of women for your phone? I have never ever fucking taken a picture of a woman. Ever in bed. No, how does it even come up? Why would you want to do that? Racine? I had a guy take a picture of me. Racine literally just

whipped down his phone and he is going through a camera roll that I can only imagine is a felony in 48 seconds. Well, I'll tell you what I do that's a little creepy. If I meet a girl at a show, I'll Facebook her. Sometimes I don't even friend request her and then I screenshot some of her photos

and then she's just in my phone now. That's smart. You remember what she looks like when you see her again. I don't know. I feel like that's more indecent behavior. The fact that you say, she lives in my phone now. Yeah.

That's true. What about this situation? Your fetish is women's elbows. You take pictures of their elbows, you have them in your phone, and you masturbate to them. That's not illegal whatsoever. As long as you're not in public. I don't think so. Okay.

That's fine. It's just creepy. So you're in the clear. So weird. I think that's weird. I think that's weird. Alright, everybody. Mike just gave me his phone. And, uh, God. Well, first of all, it starts off with a woman's buttocks there and a nice thong. Goes on to, I assume,

a picture of the woman's face. Then it's a picture of Mike taking a picture of himself. Then it's a picture of Mike's face. Then it's a picture of Mike taking a picture of himself. Then it's a picture of Mike's dick. Then it's another picture of Mike's dick where he's pointing out the wart that is on the side of his dick. It's really big. And then there's another picture of his dick, followed by a 1-800-GOT-JUNK... Probably a receipt.

Receipt. So there's just a lot of random things on here This is You know I hope you don't lose your phone Oh and then my favorite A tweet from Jamie Kilstein Hey guys This is Jamie Kilstein

He's a political comedian here in New York Hey if you guys want to see a failure of a comedian Fake tough guy Rape joke defender Sexist asshole Follow At Mike Racine. Greatest camera roll

I have ever seen in my life. Wow. Actually, I tweeted back at him. I said, don't call me fake tough guy. I know people who will have you killed. That was fun. Holy Christ. Yeah. Wow. Man, I wish I was you sometimes. Holy Christ, yeah. Wow, Wheatland. Man, I wish I was you sometimes.

That's a ravioli. And that's a picture of ravioli. Very nice. Yeah, Guido. That looks good. That sums up our scene pretty perfectly. All right, Marcus, want to get to another story, buddy? Yeah, we're going to go to deer news.

All right. We've actually got quite a bit of deer news today. A deer in the Florida Keys is breathing more easily after a deputy removed a Doritos bag from its head. Not before he stopped to take a picture of it, that prick. Yeah, there's a picture of a deer. All killed off of his head. Yeah, look at him.

We'll have it on the Roundtable Facebook page. I'm pretty sure I found you in the morning like that, Ben Kissel, on your couch. Definitely, definitely. He's just the slowest hunter ever. He just puts a bag on the deer's head and just waits for him to suffocate. The Monroe County Sheriff's deputy discovered the key deer while on patrol late Saturday evening. Its entire head was stuck in the chip's bag. My God.

Where was this head again? Keys. Yeah, Big Pine Key, Florida. There's nothing going on chips bag. My God. Where was this head again? The Keys. Yeah, Big Pine Key, Florida. There's nothing going on down there. Apparently not. How many paragraphs is this story? It is five paragraphs long. Five paragraphs long for the deer with a Doritos bag on its head. Oh my God. The Doritos deer. It is cute news.

Sheriff's spokeswoman Becky Herron says the deer allowed the deputy to remove the bag without a struggle. Thank God. That's nice. Did it box him to death like those fucking animal deers do sometimes? Oh no, key deer are the smallest of the Virginia whitetail deer subspecies and are in danger.

How about your leisure? You're going to be arguing about what deer you're going to play with. I gave you the first person screaming at deers like the majestic deer. Fuck those rats! What is the rat? Oh my god. Come on. Tiny tails.

This is the tiniest of deer. Oh, cute. What kind of Doritos? They look like Salsa Verde maybe? Oh, fuck that asshole. Of course, in Florida. Salsa Verde.

Go fuck yourself. Go back to Mexico. I love the only animals We are self-destructing I love the only animals Ben Ed likes is bears

and fucking sharks the two meanest animals they're so nice though they're not if you never go around them you remember the story they're good to each other I don't think that's true

Bears are Bears are a lot like humans Are they? Yeah Not like monkeys Yeah that's true Marcus is looking like He has to take a shit

I have to take a piece So bad Oh okay You gave me the like I'm about to blow my ass out face Yeah that was really intense It's not bad Charlie you live down there

in Texas, of course. Any wild animal things that you've seen recently? They eating chips over there or is that just a Florida thing? Oh, that's just a Florida thing. Yeah, makes sense. They're all fat and weird.

They just eat shit in Texas. Hey! What's that? It's a white trash deer eating fucking salsa verde Doritos. It's a classless animal. At least get Cooler Ranch, am I right?

I agree. Ladies. I totally agree with that. Is that a shout out to ladies? Yeah, sure. All women like Cool Ranch Doritos. Do they? That's the flavor they like the most?

Yeah, Cool Ranch Doritos, all women like it. Okay. Why? It's got a pussy flavor. Does it taste like pussy? No. No, no, no, no. It's just like if you rub it on your pussy, then men will eat you out for hours.

Yeah. It's ranch. That's not just Cool Ranch Doritos. Oh, is it all Doritos? There's a lot of different kinds of things. I mean, I don't know. If I went down on a chick and her pussy tasted like Cool Ranch Doritos, I'd be alarmed. If you didn't know

it was Cool Ranch Doritos, why did you, of course? Was this a mistake? No, I would crunch him up and shove him inside and be like, Go treasure digging. Oh, I would crunch them up and shove them inside and be like, go treasure digging. Oh, I love it. Oh, Jackie, we should still be together.

It would be so soggy and kind of fun. That's when you're hitting the right spot. If they're soggy, if they're still crisp, you've got to keep going. That's why you haven't found the treasure yet. I really feel the opposite. If they're still crisp, you've got a fucked up pussy. That's what I'm saying. Well, if you I really feel the opposite. If they're still crisp, you got a fucked up pussy.

That's what I'm saying. Well, if you're in the room, I imagine they're very crisp. Indeed. Okay, there we go. Make women wet. Jackie, I haven't felt love for you in a very long time, but now I do again. You know what? I was really hoping today was going to be the day.

Because you said, if I was a woman before, and I was like, maybe today he'll think I'm a lady. Please, today. Turns out all you have to do is shove Doritos in your pussy for Ben to think of you as a woman before and I was like, maybe today he'll think I'm a lady. Please, today. Turns out all you have to do is shove Doritos in your pussy for Ben to think of you as a lady. Then I go gorping

and I fucking eat all of them. You don't even have to break them up if she's a real woman. Is there a specific Dorito flavor that you would prefer, KB, other than Cooler Ranch?

I do like the Cooler Ranch, man, but I'm also a fan of the nacho cheese. Everybody loves Cooler Ranch, man. I'm different. Yeah. That'so cheese. Everybody loves cool ranch man. I'm different. That's a thing. I feel like if a woman's

vagina tasted like any sort of corn tortilla chip, I would be more than thrilled. I would really enjoy that. Fritos would be weird. It would be too plain. I like Fritos. They're my favorite chip. Really? Absolutely. So that's your kind of gal. Yeah, Frito Lay. So if you're a listener out there And you're a lady

And you want to entice Eddie Next time you meet him Have a bunch of Frito Lays In your pussy And he'll sniff you out Yeah but they'd be salty Like my uncle's balls That's fine

That's totally fine Nice salty balls How salty are your uncle's balls I do like And if there was a chip What would you equate Your uncle balls to Your uncle's balls to

I mean probably Fritos. Fritos? Yeah. Wow. Have you ever tasted them with your tongue? No. You just saw them a bunch? No.

He just told you that they were salty? Yeah. How'd he know? I don't know. My uncle's like an Old Bay, Cape Cod kind of guy. Ooh, that's kind of fun. He's like my big tuna. Yeah.

Yeah. I know I found out from having, you know, uncle's smelling contest. Yeah. Yeah. In the lake found out from having, you know, Uncle's Smelling Contest. Yeah. The lake house. There was no lake, which I didn't understand what the point of the house was. The lake was when they would pee on you. Oh, right. That's what I would play in the lake.

Yeah, it was just a shed in the backyard. Yeah, I forgot about that. But it felt like a journey because they'd walk me around in circles with a bag over my head. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fun times. God, Jesus Christ. What do you mean?

Nothing bad happened to you at the lake household and everything was normal and fine. No big deal. Let's go over to the other half of deer news this week. Oh, more deer news. There's so much deer news. A lot of deer news this week. Big week for deer. Ed's pissed.

He wants to cry right now. He fucking hates deer. How could lot of deer news this week. Big week for deer. Ed's pissed. He wants to cry right now. He fucking hates deer. Who could you hate deer? The pieces of fucking shit. They were hunted half the year. Shit. Have you ever seen Survive in the Game? Beer or iced tea? I'm glad they're fucking hunted half the year. No, that's racist. Wait, Charlie, do you hunt deer?

Come to Texas, Ed. I'll give you a gun. You can shoot as many as you want. What? Charlie, that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. What kind of gun's best for deer hunting? You know, when I was here two and a half years ago, y'all asked me the exact same fucking question.

Swear to God, two and a half years ago we talked about deer hunting. Were we just as drunk as we are now? No, we're actually drunker. Oh my god. We're growing up. It's like that guy taking snapshots of the older woman's pussies now. Older woman.

30 off 6, 270. Can we shoot in the legs and shrink it? If you want. Very tough legs to hit. Very tough legs. Charlie, would you give any of us a gun to shoot in the ear? Not you, because you'd just throw it down or, like, destroy it. I'd shoot you, and then I'd keep you in a wheelchair forever.

That's kind of fucked up. Jackie, what kind of mother would you be to Charlie's firstborn son? Well, he seems like an outdoor kid, so I'd probably just tie him to a chair, leave him outside. Charlie and I would live inside, and you'd just live in the lake house and shed out back. Marcus come by, piss on him and then I'd be like, he's a rich boy, we got a lake house

in the back yard. I don't think you can say that. I don't think that's appropriate. Extremely inappropriate. Family, Jackie. Jesus Christ. My question is, when I asked you to say the inappropriate comment, why didn't you do the cool ranch Doritos?

Well, that's not specific for you, Charlie. That's for any man that wants to crunch on anything that's inside of my vagina. The best. Crunch the wrist. Crunch the munch. Crunch the munch. Eat the muff. Crunch the munch. Crunch the munch. Eat the muff, crunch the munch.

It's sweet. It's wonderful. No, you can definitely go into a strangled thing because I've seen Charlie shoot a deer before and then go out

into the field and slit its throat. Oh. That should be the coolest thing in the world though, if you went out

hunting deer barehanded like you're just out on the forest wearing a t-shirt and jeans. I like the height of the deer

with a cinder block. Yeah, it shows up hunting with just a cinder block. Everyone's like, what the fuck is that? Let's go kill some deer. Either he's a total retard or the greatest hunter we know. People ask, what you doing? He'd be like, some real shit.

I'm better than you. Do you do the deer pee pee thing? Do you spray yourself? That's fucking stupid. People where I'm from in Wisconsin, they would all cover themselves in deer piss. Wake up at 6 a.m. and go hunt deer. I don't know why. Where do you get it?

I don't. They literally sell it at Gander Mountain. They sell it in bags. They sell. And I don't know whose job it is to harvest the deer piss. What's Gander Mountain? It's a hunting store. It's like Cabela's Bass Pro Shop.

Ah, okay. Yeah. Do you think they just have a bunch of deer standing over a metal crate, and they just give them lots of water and collect the pee? Probably how they get the virgin boy's eggs. Oh, yeah. That was the story from last week there in Japan. Yeah, I have no idea how you harvest fucking deer piss.

What a shitty job that is. Is it expensive? Oh, it's pretty pricey. Yeah. What? How much? I mean, I don't know what it goes for a quart, but I bet you it's about 15 bucks a quart. That sounds more like the meat.

Never processed. I have no idea. Yeah. Thank God, Charlie. You're a classy man. Yeah. Thank you. Now you just slit their fucking throats in a field.

Yeah. You can get Code Blue dough urine for $7.99. How much? A little vial. Yeah, real tiny. They only put little droplets of it. Yeah, it looks like it. They just drip it behind their ear.

It's like bubble baths. $8 for two ounces. That ain't shit, man. Weed is cheaper. I mean, not quite, but not at all. If weed was cheaper, I'd be so much happier. I wouldn Not at all If weed was cheaper I'd be so much happier I wouldn't be here If weed was cheaper

So deer piss That has no effect On hunting Attracting them I just think people Are fucking stupid Yeah it gives you It's gross

I would rather not Kill a deer that day And just never be Covered in deer piss Just stand Wait till they walk up Shoot it It's easy

It's pretty simple Do you wear camouflage? No I'm in a box. I don't need a... He just wears a full deer outfit. Wait, you're in a box? And it's free, right? It's like a stand.

It's up on a platform. By yourself or are you with other people? No, usually I'm by myself. Ooh, hot box. All right, well now Jackie's... Jackie's losing herself to fantasy, so we might want to... No, shoot me, Charlie! Wait, wait!

I'm going to be in a deer costume. Why did he shoot you? You could have been the box. No, no, no. There's a lot of cooler ranch Doritos in the box today. Oh, hey, Charlie, I've been waiting for you. We're on check out some shit. That's good. You ever jack off in there? Because I know it takes a long time

to wait for the deer. No, because usually it's really cold. Oh, I see. Yeah. Alright. Very cool. That's the reason. Literally. What, because deer hunting season is during the colder months? November through January. It gets cold enough not to be able to jack off outdoors? Fuck yeah, man.

Yeah, when I was down in December, it was about 25-30 degrees. It's fucking colder down there than it was up here. Have you guys ever jerked off in a cold environment? Like, does it really make that big of a difference that you can't do it? Yeah.

I mean, I had no heat when me and Holden used to live together for a while. This is in college? No, up here. Yeah, he made me give him the ice block.

It's what he called it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holden gets cold, I lay on top of him and beat him. Yeah. The ice block. Yeah, the beat him. The icebox. Yeah, the freezer section.

I remember that. My code word is lake house. He was like, we're going to the lake house. We're going to the lake house. I'm like, oh boy, what game do we play today? Wow. If you mentioned your mommy right now, it wouldn't even be the third grossest thing

you've talked about today. Not even. I love it. Yeah. Mommy's pussy lips are like candy canes. But that's not even an upsetting thing. Crunchy.

Marcus, what's another story? We're actually going to go to Texas for this one. A Texas John who shot a Craigslist hooker dead after she took $150 of his cash but refused to have sex has been cleared of murder. Ezekiel Gilbert, 30, was facing life in jail for the 2009 Christmas Eve killing of Lenora Frago, 23. Lenora's such a pretty name.

Yeah, and Ezekiel's such an ugly name. It really is. Christmas Eve prostitute, though? That's sad. Yeah, this is in San Antonio. Christmas Eve prostitute, though? That's sad. Yeah, this is in San Antonio. Gilbert used an AK-47 assault rifle to spray his alleged victim's car with bullets as she was driven away by her alleged pimp, Christopher Perkins.

Frago was hit in the neck, left paralyzed and brain damaged from the shooting. She was hooked up to a respirator for several months until her family pulled the plug. It's a prostitute. They should have pulled the plug immediately. A Bexar County, Texas court jury on Thursday took 11 hours to acquit Gilbert, saying his actions were justified

because he was simply trying to retrieve stolen property. Interesting. And that was the money or the girl? The money. The money, yeah, because he paid her $150 to fuck. She didn't fuck. So he shot at her. And this is because state residents in Texas are permitted, quote, to use deadly

force to recover property during a nighttime theft. I love this. Not during the daytime. Nighttime. 8 p.m. to 5 a.m. you can kill in Texas. Even though he was procuring a prostitute at the time. On Christmas Eve, which is a sad time. That's fine. I feel like that's why

he should be exonerated. Yeah, who steals from a poor man on Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve, which is a sad time to get married. That's fine. I feel like that's why he should be exonerated. Who steals from a poor man on Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve. She's a real Grinch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is the Grinch. Oh, he's taking the Christmas tree back to the shop? You know, working on Christmas, you know, it sucks.

It does, but it's at the same time, you know. Do what you're doing. Yeah, I agree. Do your job. But you can understand where the prostitute's coming a little bit. I agree with that statement, though. Working on Christmas Eve, she doesn't want to be out there. Yeah, but she took the money, do the job.

I'm with you, Eddie. Take the money, do the job. I mean, $150 hooker. I worked on Christmas a couple years ago. I didn't fucking not cook people's cheeseburgers. Yep, that's true. Mike, you had your hand. As soon as Marcus started reading the story,

Mike rose his hand as if we were in like an eighth grade, a terrible middle school. We would all be fired as teachers immediately because this is the subject matter for the day. But Mike, you rose your hand. What do you have to say about this story? Because some girl on Jezebel wrote an article and she was like, he thought that sex was included

in her $150 fee. It wasn't, so he killed her. It's like, what the hell do you pay a hooker for that's not sex? That's why I called you the other day. You called Kevin to talk about this? Yeah, I called you back. See, Mike, how much do you scream out loud

at Jezebel articles in your apartment like a day? More than I'd like to admit. You gotta stop reading that stuff. Never go to those blogs. They really are written by the worst people. They're just the scum of the earth. They're the Val Midwest

of writers. Jezebel is a feminist blog. No one reads it except for dudes who get upset by it. Yeah, it's the Howard Stern of feminist blogs. Let's stop giving them fucking free promotion. Indeed. Forget about them.

Never go to that website. However, check out badmidwest.com. That's what I'm talking about. It's gorgeous. She's a good woman, and she loves to laugh. So this guy, really quite phenomenal story, though. I can't believe he got off this. He just had the luckiest jury of all time.

Well, he argued that he didn't intend to kill her. He only wanted to blow out the car tires and get back his cash. Okay. Too bad that is the most effective hooker-killing rifle on the market. I mean, what a fantasy come true, though. Just be able to spray down a car. I would love to live like Flattop from Dick Tracy or something

like that. Just spray down a car with an AK-47. And this is in public because I always thought the law was that if somebody broke into your house, then you were justified in killing them. Sure. I didn't know you could get property back and kill somebody at night. Only at night. That's the thing. Only at night. Why the fuck is it

only at night? Where's his proof though? It's his word against the dead hookers. No, it's his word against the pimps oh okay oh the pimp lived yes yeah pimp lived that pimp always lives by the way that's a that's a good name for a movie The Green River Killer story. Richard Ramirez, RIP. Oh, that's sad.

I just thought I remembered the idea. Can we stop saying that it's sad that the Night Stalker won? He died of natural causes. He died of natural causes at 53, which is not real. The correctional institutions in California killed him because they didn't want the true message getting out. Nightstar was an amazing serial killer, one of my personal favorites, and he will be missed. And Satan and him are hanging out right now in hell, and they're

having a wonderful time. What was the truth they didn't want to get out? That he was an amazing person, and very nice. I was broken up when Ernest Bordenine died. That makes sense. Sure. Well, tell me this, Eddie. How many homes did

Ernest Bordenine break into? None. And how many times did he hide in a closet for eight hours at a time, breathing so quietly no one could hear him? He never did that because he breathes loud. Have you ever seen Marty? Have you ever seen two women, or a man and a woman

scared as fuck in their bed when the Night Stalker pops out of their closet? Not when the Night Stalker's there. That's right. The Night Stalker was one of the most comedic killers of all time. All right. Full of jokes. Full of laughs.

I just thought of this. I forgot. This is a story like a couple of days ago. So I forget what day this week. I met a chick at a bar who is a hooker she's a she's a yeah process i met at the bar and we're like talking about that for like an hour the night soccer i've never just yeah i've never just met a chick that was like fucking that you know fucks people for money just at a bar and i was just talking to her for like an hour and then like

out of nowhere i forgot how fucked up this was the conversation just switched to like her talking about some place with great macaroni and cheese and then we talked about macaroni and cheese for like another hour sometimes you forget their people at that point i was like i don't even respect myself at all anymore where is it it is a sad story because you were talking to a prostitute then you just ended up discussing mac and cheese where is the macaroni and cheese place? Somewhere in Bushwick. She works, apparently there's like a brothel somewhere

in Midtown. Okay. That's where she works at. So she just came because she like knew the bartender at the place we were at and was just hanging out

and it was just talking about fucking for money and macaroni and cheese. And even a hooker has to live in Bushwick. It's sad to see. I'm going to go to Fort Manhattan. That show Girls outpriced us on Greenpoint.

That they did. Now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Is it true, Texas? Is it true? Today we're going to ask Charlie. I don't know. Fucking bing bong. Is it true?

Bing bong. Bing bong. Jackie, what's going on with your face right now? Do you have to pee? Oh, no, I just peed. I just forgot about the segment, so I'm trying to get people to think of something. Oh, I see. Thanks for calling me out, Kissel.

I'm sorry. We won't start with Jackie. We won't start with Jackie. I don't know how to start either. Ed, I'm looking at you. Why don't you say segment? We're going to come up with stereotypes about Texas, things that we believe are true about Texas, and find out from

the source whether they are or not. I heard that when girls in Texas misbehave or they need to go to college and get a good job. Yeah, the people paint dots on them and teach them how to be milked.

Teach them how to what? Be milked. They have to live outdoors. Is that true? How are we scoring this? You're the scorer. You seem like you're avoiding the question. Have you hit a no then? I could take

care of the score if you want to. We could do it on a scale of zero to five. Zero being not true at all. Validity, yeah. Score down. 5 being very true. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, that's how you do it. Mike, what would you say? 1.5? Yeah, 1.5. We're going to say 1.5. Whoa! So there's some truth to this. Some girls have been milked?

I mean, I guess so. Yeah, apparently. Anything with nipples can be milked. Yeah, in Texas you try to milk everything. Yeah. Fantastic. Just to make sure. Just to make sure it's aed. Yeah, in Texas you try to milk everything. Yeah. Fantastic. Just to make sure. Just to make sure it's a woman. So you don't have to buy a cow.

Let's see here. I've heard in Texas... What's that, Jackie? I've heard in Texas that after you go cow tipping, you fuck the cow while it's over because it's much easier to fuck so you can get your dick in it. That's actually true, though.

I'm going to go one because it is actually a myth that you can go cow tipping. What do you mean? Cow tipping is a myth in Texas. You can't tip cows. You can't tip beef cows because they're extremely aggressive. What about milk cows? I don't know. We don't fuck with cows.

Yo, so you're saying that... Those bitches are crazy. You can go cow tipping in the Midwest. You can take a dairy cow right down. Yeah, yeah, dairy cows, yeah, they're very docile, but... And how big is a cow's pussy? Oh, huge. Real big.

Have you guys, you know, quote unquote, a friend, have you ever had a friend that fucked a cow? You mean, have we ever had a dad who's fucked a cow? Yes. That's who it was. That's what you want? You're trying to smear the park's name? Wait, you really think your dad fucked cows?

I don't. He does. Well, I mean, he tells the story. It's like an urban legend. He tells the story. He was getting back at a neighbor, right? So he fucked his cow? No, I think you made that one up. Oh, okay. That's just a good idea

for anyone out there. Get back at your neighbor. Fuck their animals. Where is the pussy? Do you have to get up on a stool to fuck a cow? Yeah, you're not. No one's tall enough to fuck. Well, I mean, I did know that one kid, Garrett, who I think he fucked cows. Remember him? He was about Ben's size. What about the bullies? Ben could fuck

a cow. Oh, yes. Ben, you could tear up a cow. Oh, thank you so much. Have you ever fucked a cow? No, I haven't fucked a cow. Oh, man, this isn't about me, though. It's about people in Texas. His voice kind of crackled right there. No, no, no. I never fucking loved a cow.

She didn't break my heart. You know? What the matter, man? Why? She went to the mills you know Alright I heard in Texas Every town has a bone house Where there is just you walk into the house Just filled with bones

Just a bone house You have 10,000 acres right Yeah we do have 10,000 acres Gotta be a bone house on that acre. Bone house. We've got bone yards. Quite a few of those. Okay.

Is it like a lake house? So I give myself a 4.5. You can't do that. Actually, I mean, not necessarily houses, but definitely ranches have bone yards. So, yeah, let's give them a three on that one. That's where they just dump the bones? Yeah. Well, I mean, it's where animals go to die. They tend to die in the set. And on bone day, they lick the bones. Yeah, yeah, let's give them a three on that one. That's where they just dump the bones? Yeah, well, I mean, it's where animals go to die.

They tend to die in the... And on bone day, they lick the bones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not much food in the bone yard. They just naturally go there, though? Nobody has to take them there in a truck? They just wander off, yeah. What about the stereotype that everyone in Texas is extremely, extremely well-educated,

not racist, not sexist, and very well-behaved individuals. Isn't that, uh... Negative one. Oh. Okay, interesting. I just wanted to shatter that for the record. You got the same score as Jackie.

No, I got a negative one, I'm fairly certain. And they can't even fuck beef calves. Yeah, but Charlie, you're very smart. I mean, you stayed. Marcus left. He's obviously not as smart and handsome as you are. Which is interesting. I feel like that's got to have some kind of validity, right? Yeah,

sure, maybe. I mean, it's definitely not a stereotype about taxes. No, no, no. One out of ten, maybe ten percent. How many acres do you have? Ten thousand. That's just... I don't even know what that means. You said thirty times How many are you willing to give to an Indian?

I'm serious. Probably this first. Probably all of it. Can I have a second one even though you don't have to score me on it? Is it true in Texas that you still give a dowry? Oh!

That's actually an actual question. To a future wife's parents. A set of land or an amount of livestock. You offer a dowry to the fiance. What did you give for Lindsay? How much did she cost? I took her off her parents' hands.

Oh! Bad Girls Club! You were getting laid for a week. They didn't have to pay for a rent anymore, so I guess. Mike, do you have any questions for these Texas local yokels? Is it true that Texas cures Judaism? That's probably true. No, we did have a Jew, Kinky Freeman, run for Texas governor.

His name was Kinky, right? Yeah, and he actually was doing really good until he got into the debates and everyone found out he had no fucking clue what he was talking about. That's when he got kicked out of the governor's race. He was doing really good. Kinky was great. Yeah, Kinky for governor. Little fucking slippery Jew trying to get in there.

Well, that is borderline. Borderline stuff. Half my family's Jewish, so I can say they're slippery, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so hard to grab them. Good. As my father always said,

it's hard to grab a nose. That's the word I told it, by the way. I didn't say it. It's good. My blood said it. A character said it. With Racine's question, how about as far as Muslims go? I feel like it would be very difficult to be Muslims over there.

Victoria, Texas, outside of San Antonio, has a real big Muslim population. Is that like Val Midwest? What's that? Is she like Val Midwest? Victoria, Texas? That's where Stone Cold Steve Austin's from. Oh! It's a town.

Not a whore. Oh, it's not a whore. Yeah. It's a town where you find whores. I just feel, Victoria, Texas would be a great whore's name. You're thinking about Alexis, Texas. Sure.

Is it true in Texas that Asians aren't allowed to set foot on most farms yeah but wow i've never seen an asian like an asian on a horse that's the thing you imagine an asian on a horse i mean i'm not gonna say that it's not allowed but i'm gonna say that it's not common it was big news for the year if someone came home and was like, holy God, I saw an Asian in Indiana. No, it's like Django. Yeah, yeah. Outside of a

large city, the only Asians in small Texas towns own donut shops. What about Chinese restaurants? Indians? Indians run hotels. All Indians run hotels or convenience stores. They're all run by Indians

They sell fireworks too, right? No, those are white trash people How dare you say that, Charlie Our family And they are fantastic It's so weird that up here Asians sell fireworks In the Midwest, the Indians sell fireworks

But in Texas, you guys just do it yourselves Isn't that nice? We found something we can do. Also, apparently in my hometown in Palm Harbor, Florida, my mother called me the other day to tell me that a lot of the convenience stores are starting to be run by

Vietnamese. She said, I don't know where they're living, but a Vietnamese shop opened up and some of the 7-Elevens are filled with Vietnamese. And she's like, they're not around here, so they must be, quote, imported. They gotta be imported, Jackie. They gotta be imported. They just fly in for the day and then fly home at the end of the night back to Vietnam.

They open one Vietnamese restaurant and so she's like, the Vietnamese are taking over. She thinks it's the fucking 70s in reverse. I love that. I love how concerned she is. Alright, Marcus, well who won it? I mean, here's a... I've gotta say that

Kevin, although I don't know that Asian people aren't allowed on farms, there aren't many there. You've never seen one on farms. What would you do if there was one on your farm? Hello! Hello! All right. You're a nice guy.

Where the fuck did you come from? Hello! That's the real response. They're all like filming him, thinking it's an alien abduction. The only Asians I've seen on farms film or in real life, they're wandering samurai. You don't want that on your farm at all. Or rice paddy hats. Yeah, or they're right behind an ox.

But I gotta say, as far as what is true to Texas, Bones always wins. Bones wins! He's with his fun bones. Holden nearly wins his own segment. This is a very rare occasion, I think. It really is. Usually he's the worst one, even past Kissel, but we never talk about it. I'm bad at it.

That's the round table, everybody. Jackie, Eddie, Holden, Kevin, myself. Jappy, Jackie. I don't even like to say it The big kukuna Kim Jong Jackie Thank you Marcus Parks Thanks so much for being here Mike And thanks for sharing that wonderful camera roll of yours

It's really great And whatever is on your dick Take care of it Go to a doctor Well it just kind of appeared there when I was 7 years old And it's just always Go to a doctor I mean it it just kind of appeared there when I was seven years old, and it's just always big. Oh, that's fine.

Go to a doctor. I mean, it's really big. It's not that big. Burn it off! Get rid of it. Honestly, if the girl's into it, it probably has pleasure. It's ripped. Does it have pleasure purposes?

No. No. No. Why? Why? Is it just something weird for a girl to deal with during a blowjob? Yeah. You just say, call it girl to deal with during a blowjob? Yeah.

You just say, call it more muscles. That's a good idea. Is it small enough for her to floss with? What if I had to pay a doctor to take it off? Yeah. That's what people do. Yeah. And a cyst on my neck. The doctor took it out.

I feel like it would be expensive, though. I feel like I could take it off myself, to be totally honest with you. Burn it off. Use that knife you got from your dumpster job. With a pair of scissors and you know. Take an audio recording of that and give it to us

and we'll put it on the round. It's always good to take scissors to your dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, Charlie Parks, thanks so much for being here, buddy. You're welcome.

It was great to see you. I'm sorry, Charlie. And I'm sorry to your wonderful wife. Alright, I've been kissing. We'll talk to you guys soon. I'm not sorry! Whoa, Jack!

Apologize! Come on, Jacky! What? Whoosh! Whoosh! Jesus Christ. Skeleton Dan with his skeleton hands. He understands the dead man's plans. Skeleton Dan, he's a skeleton man.

Burn down the cross, Matt's a skeleton man. Burned on the cross by the Ku Klux Klan. Skeleton Dan, he's a Wall Street man. Wears a pink striped suit with a ring in his hand. Skeleton Dan, he plays kick the can. And if you spit in that bottle, boy, you kiss the man. Skeleton Dan. Oh my Skeleton Dirt Oh, Skeleton Dirt Oh, Skeleton Dirt

Oh, Skeleton Dirt Oh, Skeleton Dirt He was buried in the sand And when that sun came out, gave him a skeleton Skeleton Dan, he's the scale of a man And he'll fry some bacon in his fried pan Skeleton Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan He plays the bones in his skeleton band

Skeleton Dan, he's a mangler fan S-K-E-L-E-N-D Skeleton Dan Skeleton Dan Skeleton Dan Skeleton die Skeleton Dive Skeleton Dan! Skeleton Dan! Skeleton Dan!

Skeleton Dan! Skeleton!