The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 15: Mama Kathleen

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Hoo boy. This is a Chuckle Hut to remember, as we welcome Ed’s mom into the basement on this, the 15th episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen. Did we hold back? No. No we didn’t. Did the episode somehow get more offensive than usual? Yes. Yes it did. Tune in to hear Mrs. Larson say such gems as, “How was the breastfeeding Eddie, was it good?”

Oh, scratchy good. You were at second chance all night, Jackie? Oh, yeah. Not all night. I got off work at 10.15. Oh, okay. All right. All right.

I believe that we are ready to go. All right. Glad you're coming in this real aggressive. Appreciate it. Just like ruining a mood. Jackie ruined it. I am ready to fight. All right.

It's time for prayer. Thank you. Ben started thinking it was wonderful. I'll tone it down. I'll tone it down Dear Beelzebub Dear Beelzebub Please help this podcast go well

I believe that You are the excellence Of happiness and joy Give Jackie the strength To not mention rape More than eight times Jackie, could you please mention rape more than eight times. Ah! Jackie, could you please mention rape?

Nope. That is, she has eight more to go. No, I get to save my one time I can say the R word for when I really mean it. Absolutely, Beelzebub. So thank you so much for blessing us with your gooey, gooey presence. And let's just start this roundtable of gentlemen podcast. Yeah! Yeah!

Amen. Woo-hoo! Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. This is the fucking best podcast on the face of the planet. And who the fuck is on this thing? It's Jackie Zabrowski. Super sober Jackie Zabrowski. She's only blowing a 1.6.

I'm still fine to drive. Jackie, stop drinking. Oh, well, I won't. I'm Ed Larson. I'm Holder McNeely. I am scared of you, Jackie. Kevin Barnett, as always. I'm out of here.

Where are you out here? Where exactly? Suburbs. Every block, every street. Yeah, I came from the suburbs. But right now I'm out there where the real niggas at. In the basement. Where are they?

Am I one of those? I'll tell you. I'm a real nigga! I'm a real nigga! Yeah! Jaggy's just one of them hoes. Whoa. No, no, no.

The real N-I-G-G-A-S-es are in the chuckle hut. We got Mama Kathleen. Mama Kathleen, thank you so much for being here. No problem. Anytime. I'll just come around and stop by as long as you give me my drink. Yeah! Truly Ed Larson's mother. And thank God Carly Goodspeed is here to learn something from Mama Kathleen.

I'm so lost. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fantastic. And the one and only Danny Solomon. Danny, thanks so much for being here, brother. Hey, guys. It's a hell of an honor to be here at the roundtable. Absolutely.

I'm the host, Ben Kisselin. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Parks, what do you got for us? Well, Virginia is preparing to execute a woman for the first time in 98 years, but she's borderline retarded. Oh, so they're going to stone her. They're going to tear her up to her big retarded head, and they're going to let all the kids throw the rocks.

That's what you call, it's like a test. It's a Kissel family picnic is what it is. That's what you call, it's like a test. It's a Kissel family picnic is what it is. All right, little Izakaya, you get to stone the big retarded head. It's a little bit easier. It's like the novice version of Madden. He always connects on all of his passes right into her eyeball. Yeah, this woman, she has an IQ of about 70.

Retarded is 68. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's Gump? Yeah, she's Gump. Exactly, she's Gump. Well, she's barely on the other side of Gump. Gump was like 65.

What did she do for the execution there? She killed her husband. Oh, was he an idiot? They didn't get to IQ test him. He was dead already. No, Mama Kathleen, do you have something to say? Was it bloody? Oh, okay. Was it him. He was dead already. No, Mama Kathleen, do you have something to say? Was it bloody? Oh, okay.

Was it bloody? It was pretty bloody. I would only imagine, just judging by how a retard eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm assuming this murder was extremely messy. Yeah, messy. Extraordinarily sloppy. He did a sloppy job. I know this.

How does a retard kill her husband? And was he retarded? And if he wasn't retarded, I don't think this was ever a legal marriage. Here's what happened. Very interesting story. She hired two men to kill her husband and stepson in 2002.

She was smart enough to get that done. That's the thing. She should be electrocuted. King of the retards. She got the death penalty and the assassins just got life in prison. That's fucked up.

So are you telling me that DA argued that the retarded woman who set this all up was the brains behind the operation? The brains of the operation. Who did she get?

Did she get fucking Dobo and Bobo from fucking Pinogo? Nothing but trouble. Bobo? Beb Nothing but Trouble. Badogo. Nothing but Trouble. Ba-bow-bow. Yeah, Bebop and Rocksteady. Yeah, exactly.

She got a TNF turtle. Bam, bam, bam came in the picture. Yeah. Yeah, bam, bam. Kathleen, Kathleen, if you had a husband, let's say you're mildly retarded, your husband isn't the best guy in the world. Oh, my husband is retarded. He doesn't...

Okay, so your husband is... Eddie, this is not your mother right now. This is radio. And I gave him to that retarded girl. So instead of killing... The one that died. Holy Jesus. I don't even understand what's going on.

Don't bother... But I like it. Don't bother understanding. So your husband was the your husband was normal you didn't you didn't you didn't kill him but you just gave him

to a retarded woman assuming that this retarded woman would probably kill him oh she was his gift yeah that's amazing it reminds me of when my grandmother gave me

a pack of pencils from the 99 cent store for my 6th grade birthday yeah just hoping for the worst yeah yeah when I was 12 years old here's some pencils well thank you so much well the woman I'll stand my eyes out with them the woman was also addicted for my 6th grade birthday. Just hoping for the worst. Yeah, when I was 12 years old.

Here are some pencils. Well, thank you so much. Well, the woman was also addicted to painkillers at the time. Of course she's retarded. Well, then that makes her definitely retarded. I'm just saying it has to lower the IQ to 68. That's good. Two points. You know, it actually does say in the story,

a judge gave her a death sentence, deeming her the mastermind. Didn't God give her a death sentence, deeming her the mastermind. Didn't God give her a death sentence when he made her retarded? Solomon, what do you think about this story? You're prosecuting this woman. You know she's mentally retarded. She hired two goombas to kill her husband

for God knows what. We'll probably figure that out. How do you prosecute? What would you do? Well, you know, she's what, 68? No, she's 70. She's two above. Yeah, she's two above. She is so not actually you know, she's what, 68? No, she's 70. She's two above. Yeah, she's two above. She is so not actually.

Oh, that's not her age. I thought that was. Because if you live to 70, you've got to have some street smarts. She's 40. If you're marrying a 70-year-old woman who's also retarded. You're a saint. Yeah. What is a desperate-ass dude like? You know, this is going to be my lifestyle right now.

Yeah, by the way, does it say anywhere in the story what kind of a guy this dude was? It says nothing. Nothing at all. I will say, I guarantee you, seven days a week, there was an animal print on his T-shirt. They always loved their deer shirts, their bear shirts, their salmon shirts. Zebra Tuesdays. Zebra Tuesdays. Oh, wait, he loved the Zebra Tuesdays.

He loved that Zebra Tuesdays. That's what I'm going to miss the most about. And we're paying – this was Wisconsin, right? This was the Midwest. This was Virginia. Oh, he loved the Zebra Tuesdays. He loved that Zebra Tuesdays. That's what I'm going to miss the most about. And we're paying... This was Wisconsin, right? This was the Midwest. This was Virginia. Oh, okay. Virginia.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congratulations, Midwestern retarded 40-year-old women. You are not guilty of killing your husband this month. That's like half the population right there. Absolutely it is. Why do you think I got laid so much? Were painkillers something they shared, the two of them? I have not.

It doesn't say. I'm constantly asking for details that I know are not in the article. Here's another detail. What color shirt was she wearing in court? It's got to say that. The reason behind it is she wanted to, like, she hired the guys. Okay. Kill them.

The stepson had a $250,000 life insurance policy, and they were going to split it between the three of them. She has the brains to figure out the whole life insurance policy thing. Yeah, yeah. She was probably faking that IP test. I think she was. And the judge saw through that shit. Exactly. What was the judge's name, too? Was it, like, Killstone probably faking that IP test. I think she was. And the judge saw through that shit. Exactly.

What was the judge's name, too? Was it like Killstone or something? Lance Hito. Yeah, right? Tell me it was like... Well, she did. She had a little Jewish power in her, baby. Yes, she had that Jewish power in her.

She's going to get that money. She was in Virginia. She didn't have any Jewish power. It doesn't say it's Jewish power in Virginia. It's just inbred power. You forget we have friends. It was friends of mine that was Jewish and they lived in Kansas.

So think about that. Danny Solomon's from Kansas. You don't look very pagan or Jewish people want to get those ruby slippers. I mean, we had all that shit. We had powers.

Evil powers. Where the fuck are we in this story with the woman? We've already gone through all the details. I got a story for Kevin. Kevin? What does that mean? Is it because it involves black people or is it more than that? It involves Haitians.

Ah, yes. You know, they all walk like dinosaurs. I'm fairly sure. Haitians. After nine months. You know, we all knew about the earthquake. Big thing. Yeah, fucked up all of Haiti.

After nine months. By the way, my favorite joke I ever got to tell on Norman's Boo Off, which is like a set where you're supposed to do a terrible joke, I say, oh, Haiti's a lot like the game of Boggle. You shake it up, then you go searching for all the missing N words, which is kind of a fun one. Kind of a fun little joke there. If you're a young comedian and you want to get booed off stage

in an experiment, tell that joke. So, after nine months, 2% of the rubble has been cleared in the entire country. Yeah, I mean, honestly, guys, what can we expect from Haitians? A nation of stragglers and half-steppers. Fucking up, as we've seen. As we've seen. As we've seen time and time again. I just wouldn't be surprised if, like, after the storm hit and everything was disastrous,

they're like, oh, this is perfect. This is like heaven. Look at this now. We can just, like, scourge underneath a pile of garbage. Half-steppers. I just want to see Kevin run for office on the platform of just, like, fuck Haiti. Like, in America. it just makes no sense. The Tea Party will back him immediately.

Yeah, exactly. I think not just the Tea Party, the world. Because which nation has been fucking up more for so long than Haiti? What can we say about that that I haven't said? I've said it, and I'll say it again. They fucking up. All right. Think about this.

A long time ago, my mom, she told me, she said, Kevin, you can't half-step your way through life. She told me that. Like the Haitians do. That was the second sentence. Exactly. That's like every other sentence. My mom told me a lot of things. That's the main message behind it all.

me a lot of things. That's the main message behind it all. Ben, we have given the United States, just the United States, we've given the Haitians $98.5 million. For what? To clean up that shit and nothing's happened. What's the percent? I wish we had a math major in here.

2% gets $980 million. And what the fuck would it take to clean up that entire place? China's entire economy. Go into Haiti and they would still have a quarter of a place. I mean, to clean that place up. You gotta burn it and start over it. Exactly. If you wanna clean up Haiti, you gotta clean all the Haitians out of it. That's the only way.

Hey, I saw a video one time on the news on the news, like a thousand Haitians running on the bridge in Miami. They just got off of a boat, like a big ship, and were just running across the bridge. Yeah, they were just going to take over. That was their plan.

The Haitians were just going to take over Miami. How many were there? That's the kind of half-stepping ass plan that these Haitians come up with. How many Haitians were there?

I don't know the exact numbers. This was a while ago. All right? Yeah, yeah. But please believe they're all back in Haiti now. Because they didn't think things through as Haitians do. We've got to get the French over there.

The French should just take over Haiti. The French have probably started. Yeah, I'm fairly sure. Yeah, they've got to retake it. They've got to retake it. No, no, no, no. They're better off on the fucking other side of the ocean. Who gives a fuck about the French?

I want them to have this baggage. It's like when Sirius took over XM. You know, it's just totally tanked the entire station. Tank that country. France needs to take back Haiti. Oh, yeah. But then you just gotta fucking blow the whole thing up. Well, who gives a fuck? Yeah, once a bunch of French and Haitians die. Is that what the French held

on to was Canada. Those frickin' jerkoffs. And French Guiana. Ha. I don't like that joke. I just feel like we're turning into white supremacists more and more every time. No, no, Kevin's black, bro. Kevin's black. He's a black white supremacist.

Eddie's a wannabe Jew. I'm a German. Everything's fine. We got all the corners covered. What else is happening? You mentioned China earlier. No. A drunk?

Yes. He did. He did. He did. She wants to deny that it exists. It was an accident. A senior UN official, Chinese, was drunk and just started ripping on Americans. Of course. I mean, I get drunk, I rip on

the Chinese. That's a good point, Eddie. That's actually probably the best thing he ever did to relate to people in New Jersey. Everyone in New Jersey is kind of like, yeah, man, that's fucking fantastic. That chink bastard tore us apart. I love that fucking guy. What do you think, Solomon? And, of course, a senior U.S. official.

What the guy said is, I know this guy's name is Shah Zukang He said I know you never Way to go on being able to actually say that Drop a bunch of pots and pans Sounds a lot like a boss in Mortal Kombat That's great That would be a good idea to distract him Just drop a bunch of pots and pans

Bing bang bing that's how they name their kids Jesus Christ We brought you in To be the voice of reason Bing, bang, bing. That's how they name their kids over there. All right. Jesus Christ. Get out of here. We brought you in to be the voice of reason. You're supposed to be the good one, Jackie. Jackie, you are a bright and shining star. Real Jackie the Joke Woman over here. Jackie the Joke Woman Slut Lane.

So what the guy said He's talking to The Secretary General of the UN Who is that? He doesn't have the name But he's an American And he said I know you never liked me Mr. Secretary General

Well I never liked you either And it apparently went on for 10 or 15 minutes And then he says They asked about Bob Orr. That's his name, American Secretary General. He said, the Chinese guy said, I really don't like him. He's an American, and I really don't like Americans. Well, what can Bob Orr do?

You've got to feel pretty good about that. Yeah, I guess so. Tea Party is right? Well, the Tea Party has been making... China's the worst place on the planet. India! No, their people are slaves.

No, India's fine. China versus India. 2010. What workers are doing worse? Chinese workers are fucking... It's slavery over there. That's the only reason their economy is so good, because they don't pay their workers. You can't say it's the worst place in the world. I used to play Command and Conquer Generals, and by far, China was my favorite race to play.

Bitch, this is not a video game. Now, go on. You probably have a point. Yeah, no, I'm saying China is my favorite race to play. If you played the GLA, which I don't remember what that stands for anymore. It was basically the Arabs. You would click on your workers, and they would complain about how they don't have shoes. It was the most racist thing.

They should. They don't have shoes. They don't have shoes. The Middle Eastern guy. It was everyone in the Middle East, but they basically just called them GLA. Yeah, but if they're working in a sweatshop, what the hell do they need fucking shoes for? There's a sit-in in a goddamn chair. It wasn't a sweatshop.

They were out there in the sand. That's just hot. They need shoes. Yeah, I know. Sand is fine. It goes between your toes. It's more of a workout. I don't understand what the problem is. That's just hot. They need to change. Yeah, I know. Sand is fine. It goes between your toes. It's more of a workout.

I don't understand what the problem is. Oh, I think what you should do is get the Chinese mixed up with the Japanese and get those eyes slanted the wrong way with the Chinese. Mama Kathleen! That's my mother. That's my mother. That is Ed's mother. This is where Ed comes from. Eddie, welcome to a beautiful place.

A beautiful place, by the way. Let's get a round of applause for Mama. Dang, I think the worst thing I've ever heard on the podcast. No, I kind of liked it. And that sang a lot. It was nice, though. It was nice. Eddie, do you have a response to that?

That's just a whole school hate right there. Just tell me everything I know. This is gourmet racism. That's been cultivated over years Holy Christ Holy Jesus I really just want to talk I feel like everybody should leave now And I'm just going to talk to Mama Kathleen

And when I come out of here I might be converted to total hatred I love it. I love everything about her so much. That's the other way. Me Chinese, me play choke. Me go pee-pee and you go. What was the song that Eddie learned when he was a child?

What was the song that Eddie learned as a child? Let's be quiet. Journey Little Pollock, does your mother know you're out? With a hole in your britches and your dickies that you're out. Second verse, same as the first. A little bit louder, a little bit worse. How are you? Dirty little Pollock with a man.

Holy Jesus. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bushwhackers are here. The Bushwhackers from classic WWF days. Oh, man. I hate beans. I hate lime and beans. I hate lime and beans. I hate pork and beans. But most of all, I hate human beans.

I love you, Mama Kathleen. God, Eddie, you are doing so good. All right. What do we got? What's going on next? Because I feel like the Chinese thing, I mean, we all agree, good for him. You get a little toasty. Yeah, yeah.

As a matter of fact, Mama Kathleen, you should talk to this Chinese guy and I feel like that would solve all world issues. You're just like, I hate you, we hate you. I know how to say his language. I know how to speak his language. How do you speak it? Ah, so. And she just ordered a plate of rice

And it actually just came in A small oriental child Just walked in the podcast area here A bowl of rice and a small egg roll Can we have a disclaimer It's just like all opinions expressed by Ed's mom Does not reflect the opinions of the round table of gentlemen We're going to record that after

Now this is the greatest thing about Let's take a small break on the race Oh we got Carly Goodsby we're going to record that after. Now, this is the greatest thing about let's take a small break on the racist. Oh, we got Carly Goodsby. She's going to add something great. It's slightly racist,

but it's cute. Little story. Go with more racist than cute. It's fucking cute. I much prefer racist. Well, that's a little bit of both.

My boss has two Chinese nieces and they came in one day. Why? Okay, I just want to stop you. Why is it always a niece or a nephew involved in any one of your stories? I don't know what to tell you. Every story involves a...

Oh, good God. All right. So these two gals, you know, they're like 12 and 10 sitting at the counter, stuffing the sugar packets and all that, doing little bitty work. I'm just being cute. Hold on. Hold on. Carly, I need you to say the word chink right now. in the sugar back and all that doing little bitty work. I'm just being cute. Hold on. You've been really cute, guys. Hold on.

Carly, I need you to say the word chink right now. Can you please say the word chink? Yes, yes, yes. La-di-da. No, you didn't do it. I did. I said it several times. Okay.

Several. I apologize. So my boss goes to her nieces and offers them a game. Happens to be Chinese checkers. Doesn't know what to say, so she just smiles and hands them the game, where she's just like You like this, right? Right? Right?

Right? You're Chinese, right? It's the only thing you know how to do, right? It's a hell of a lot better than Japanese checkers where it's all just red chips and there are no black ones and you can't win if you're Japanese. I'll tell you what, I will beat anyone in the world. I don't care what race you are, We're all just red chips and there are no black ones and you can't win if you're Japanese Anyone in the world, I don't care what you are how smart you are will be anybody in connect for Haul at me. Oh, you think you know connect for? Oh, I know Connect Four, motherfucker. We're doing a live roundtable Connect Four tournament.

Do you have a Connect Four? Next week. Next week. Do we have a Connect Four in the house? Now I gotta come sober. This is going down by this, I mean you. Oh, fuck you, bro. You can't play no goddamn Connect Four. Let me show you two things real quick. He showed his arms.

He showed the guns. Ladies and gentlemen, audio medium, quick. Show me. He showed his arms. He showed the guns. Ladies and gentlemen, audio medium. Ladies and gentlemen, make sure to tune in next week. Next week. When the Connect Four tournament is underway between one Kevin super not nice Barnett and Ed, the spawn of a beautiful woman, Larson. And the loser has to drink the other opponent's piss. Let's relax here.

I don't want to drink Barnett's piss, and I don't want him to drink his. Either way, it was stated on radio, so it's set in stone. Come back next week. I would love to see some piss being drunk. I've been jacking off to a lot of girls. So here's how we're going to do it. If I lose, Holden's drinking Barnett's piss. If Barnett

loses, Kissel's drinking Barnett's piss. Oh, it's got sort of a malt liquor taste. Damn, man. Really? I'm just glad I have nothing to do with the piss drinking. Well, no. Whatever's not finished gets poured on you.

Yeah! Jackie! Jackie! Jackie! Anything warm that you can pour on me, I'll take. That just makes so much sense. There's no curse words in that, but it was the nastiest thing I ever heard.

You truly are a gross bitch. I'll just say it. Say it, I'll say it again. Speaking of gross bitches and bad parents, there's a 21-year-old chick who just filmed her 2-year-old daughter smoking weed, and she got 11 1⁄2 years in prison for it, right? Good. She fucking should.

No, no, she's facing 11 1⁄2 years. She took a cell phone video of a two-year-old smoking pot, and she'd obviously done it before. The baby was like talking like hardcore. Was it good cinematography? Yeah, her meson sen was very, very nice. It's very hard to upset or gross me out, and that fucking disgusts me.

The reason I started doing drugs and drinking at 13 because I was no longer had the imagination of a two-year-old yeah when you're two you're already tripping yeah I think that light switch is winking at me better put my finger in it it's amazing mama Kathleen would you get ever give a small child weed

maybe if they were acting up or you had to calm them down? Do you think that's an appropriate treatment for children? Absolutely not. She never gave me weed once. I tell them wait another couple years, baby, and we'll join in together. Yeah! Mama Kathleen! There it is.

There it is. So I think 11 and a half years For this fucking bitch Who did that to her child Is more than appropriate Absolutely How old was she again? Two

I say lock up the kid Two 21 But this is the thing though At the same time Kevin brings up a good point 21 years old If I was 21 years old

I was doing terrible things To people All over the planet I'm 23 I was just 21 And if I had a fucking kid, I would not be giving that fucking kid weed. That's fine.

That girl already had a baby at 19. So give it to your fucking parents, man. Don't fucking raise it. If I was a 21-year-old mother with a 2-year-old daughter, I would be rolling up those joints so big and just looking at all the fucking shit I buy that bitch-ass girl and be like, but you don't get this.

Like, this is just mine. The fact that she was like giving to her child after she buys her child all these things, which I assume she has to do. Kids are very expensive. I guess maybe it's very generous. Maybe she's just a good mother. I don't know. It's possible, I guess. I'm with you on that.

I'm against it. I'm against her being a good mother. She's a piece of shit I was kidding She's awful But she is a bad mother But no one thinks that they're bad people She must have thought in some way She's like I'm sharing my life with my daughter

Yeah like really what's going to happen That's not going to do anything bad to that kid I mean I don't even smoke weed I don't smoke weed You don't think smoking weed at two years old Is not going to do something bad to that kid? It's going to bother him to make that kid enjoy his life a lot better. Can it ever happen?

No, because you've got to realize a two-year-old. He'll never be serious. He'll be laughing in a corner all the time at every shit that happens. Your father just died. See, there you go. You'll be laughing too, though. She's just doing as Mama does. The thing is with a two-year-old, a two-year-old is already high.

Do you remember what you were like back then? I was so high when I was two years old. I was so fucked up. Yeah, it's because all you did was fucking rub on your dick and you didn't even know why it felt good. I had a pound puppy. I named it Charles. I rubbed myself on the pound puppy. You had a pound puppy?

Pound puppy is actually, I think it should be a good new term for jerking off. I rubbed myself on the pound puppy. You would have a pound puppy? I love the pound puppy. I think it should be a good new term for jerking off. Yeah, pound puppy. I give myself a good old pound puppy. I got to go home pound puppy. This girl is going to end up like that retarded chick who killed her husband. No, man. I don't think anything is going to happen to her.

I look at it this way, man. It's like there's so many things my parents would keep from me when I was a kid. Like I remember being little. Our parents would be eating some cheesecake or something. They'd be looking at me like, yeah, nigga, you don't know nothing about this cheesecake. And I wouldn't have any cheesecake. I wanted the shit out of cheesecake. Now, I can get cheesecake anytime I want.

I could literally walk out this house right now and go buy a cheesecake. It might cost me $8, $10, $12, $13. I don't know how much it's going to cost me, but I can get that. But you know what? The excitement's gone. As a little kid. That's right. Hey, Solomon, you haven't spoken up know how much it's going to cost me, but I can get that. But you know what? The excitement's gone. As a little kid. That's right. Hey, Solomon, you haven't spoken. My phone is ringing.

Uh-oh. I'm about to go on a Michael Richards-style rant. Oh, yeah. We got a Michael Richards story. Michael Richards. Go with it, man. All right. Solomon, come and be your way in on this Richards story.

And take this mic if you want. It doesn't matter. So, Solomon, have you heard about this new Michael Richards incident? As a comedian, first of all, this is a brand new incident. We all know about the meltdown. I was talking to Marcus. It's a new incident. Well, the new incident involves a photo.

We all know the incident. But although I will say, like, eight years ago, nothing would have happened to him. It wouldn't have been on a flip phone. He probably would have been legendary. And his career probably would have been better off in some ways. But nowadays, you have all the cameras around. He was crazy. And he just recently, what did he do, Marcus?

He beat the shit out of a photographer. Oh, well, what the hell? Jack Nicholson did that. I'm kind of with him on this one. He punched him in the face. All right. Excuse me. It's fine.

Pushed him to the ground and he kicked him numerous times. All right. So what do you think? What do you think, Solomon? You're a comedian. Was the dude taking pictures of him? The guy was taking pictures of him. Yeah.

That was it? That was all? He wasn't saying some shit like they all did? No, it says, according to the suit, Richards approached the snapper in a, quote, menacing manner with closed fists. But you also know, Richards has been getting such bad press for the past four years. Every time his picture is taken, he knows there's not like, Michael Richards was seen in fucking the Cafe WOD doing great, being amazing.

They're always just like, racist Michael Richards was out eating cake. Can you believe he's racist and eating cake? Does he have no shame? So I imagine that might have had something to do with it. What do you think, Solomon? It's pretty impressive that how long ago was the first thing? Four years. Four years. Four years.

So only once every four years this man flips out into a Hulk rage. That's better than most people. It really is. It really is. He spent four years getting shat on constantly, and he just now kicked a guy's ass? Yeah. That's incredible restraint. Sean Penn does it once a week.

Yeah. No one even talks about it. Imagine walking out of your apartment, and someone's just taking pictures of you probably kick that guy's ass you know what's about you're gonna flip out yeah I hate getting my fucking picture taken don't walk around Times Square that racist against Chinese people but now what do you think what do you think about this whole Michael photo, my fucking dreams. Somehow she made that racist against Chinese people once again. I don't even know how that happened. Bringing it all back home. Barnett, what do you think? What do you think about this whole Michael

Richards saga? Now, everything that he does that's wrong is super highlighted and nothing... I'm sure that he buys... I'm sure he has like 18 of those children that you can buy off the 1-800 numbers. I'm sure he supports a lot. I'm sure he does a lot of good things. But forever, whenever he does something wrong, he's officially now the racist who now did this wrong also.

I mean, honestly, I had a lot of stuff to say about that. I don't even remember it because I'm appreciating how racist Ed's mom is. It's amazing, isn't it? It's really incredible. And I love it. I love that that's a thing that's happening. She's the tamest in the entire family. To her, it seems like everything can be racist.

You can take it anyway. I'm so happy when my mom was in town that she wasn't on the podcast. You think I'm bad. No, that's the thing. Mama's there from Jersey, and I think Chris Christie's going to give her a medal of valor just for all her unbelievable statements. She hasn't said retarded yet.

That's right. I want to go to Chinatown or Koreatown with this woman. Perfect. Ed, when I first saw your mom and I figured out that she was coming down to do the podcast I was just like, oh, it's going to be

intimidating for her and all these bright lights. And now she's the fucking star. No, it's funny. When I found out when I found out Mama when I found out Mama Kathleen wasn't going to be in the podcast, I was like, yeah, Danny probably just doesn't even need to show up. He could probably just stay at home.

We got the entire Chuckle Hut in one woman. She embodies an entire universe full of positive energy and wonderful goodwill towards man. Yeah, Marcus, what's going on in these news stories? What's happening in all this news going on? The news you lose. I'll tell you, by the way, Marcus, you're doing a fantastic job with these stories. Yeah, buddy. Thank you so much.

Every week I like to give you a little bit of encouragement. You're doing great, fella, and we're all proud of what you've become. Thank you so much. Every week, I like to give you a little bit of encouragement. You're doing great, Phil, and we're all proud of what you've become. Thank you very much. Absolutely. I'm attracted to you. It doesn't matter. Either way, it's like his eyes. Attracted to his eyes.

I think his eyes are beautiful. No, wolf eyes, man. Wolf eyes. Later on in this podcast, I'm going to lock eyes with Barnett, and I'm going to wrap my fingers around your penis. Yeah. All right. I just get to be there for it.

It's been at least three weeks since a hand has been on my penis that wasn't my own. That is hard to hear. I'm right there with you, man. I'm right there with you. Yeah, but you're more than three weeks. But tell me this, though, man. Tell me how I've been playing all types of StarCraft.

StarCraft. And it's a problem right now, you know? I got my new PC yesterday. I'm fucking chilling. Tell me, Kevin, this, though. Kevin, how do you equate, how can you compare StarCraft or, like, find a way, a connection from StarCraft to Dragon Ball Z? connection from StarCraft to Dragon Ball Z? Oh, StarCraft to Dragon Ball Z.

Oh, snap. You can do it, Kevin. I have faith in you. Are you the coolest nerdy fuck I've ever known? You are so cool. I feel like people don't know. People don't know because they're not listening to this podcast, man. No, you are like, it is unbelievable that you're so

nerdy and I've never seen a person shrouded in more, like, black people are considered so cool and, like, hip and then you're just you get to hide so well. Yeah, man, you're like the hottest of them all. You can be whatever you want to be. You're like a fucking, what do you call those things that can just transform into whatever you want? Chameleons.

Chameleons. You can be a nerd when you're talking to nerds. You can be hard when you're talking to black guys. You can do whatever you want. Chameleons. Chameleons. You can be a nerd when you're talking to nerds. You can be hard when you're talking to black guys. You can do whatever you want. See, if I talked about StarCraft as much as you do... I would never talk to Marcus. I would hate you. I would hate you. Everyone here would either just tell me to shut the fuck up like three times a day or

just not talk to me. Because it's in the comedy vein. It's like when Dangerfield talks about not getting any respect and everyone's like, but you get so much respect. And it's like, oh, you're such a cool black guy and you love Starcraft.

It's like, but you're so cool. I'll tell you right now, man. Every time you open up your mouth, rainbows come out. Anyway, go on with the

question. I'll just tell you right now, man, I've lived a lot of lives and that's the reason why I could do what I'm doing. You know what I'm saying? That's why I say y'all

doubt me like, oh yeah, he's not on every block. I'm on every block. But by block, do you mean like these streets? I'm out there on the streets, man. And look, I'll let you know. These kids know about me, alright? No, no. We're kids. So, alright, look.

I'm setting it up for the future so that people know about me right now, but then these kids know about me, alright? And I'll be on Battle.net. I'll be on Battle.net. Kids know about you because you're their father. Which is another fucking thing that he could say that's not true. It's amazing. Because Barnett doesn't

get laid. I don't, I don't, man. Occasionally, but for the most part, no. News man, what do we got going on? Do we have a segment happening? You know what we got going on right now? What do we have happening? Pedophile Corner.

Pedophile Corner. Oh, don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Candy. Candy. Candy. Candy.

Come on. I got candy over here, kid. Okay. This week's Pedophile of the Week, Shaquille O'Neal. Whoa! Big mama see-eye. Of Shazam fame? Oh, my God.

Of Shaq Diesel fame. Kazam. Kazam, motherfucker. Please. Shazam. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, you got to explain this. He had the genie suit on.

Yeah, yeah. Explain this story. What is going on here? It's a very bizarre story. Gross. An ex-aid to Shaquille O'Neal is now suing Shaquille O'Neal, claiming that Shaq attempted to frame him by planning child porn on his computer. Oh, so he didn't fuck no tiny peenie?

You would have heard about it before now. First of all, Shaq could never fuck a tiny peenie. Every peenie is a tiny peenie. It is not possible. Shaquille O'Neal looks at a 35-year-old Wall Street investor and is like, look at that small child. I hope I could fuck that young 8-year-old. But he's got such a big wingspan, man. He could grab so many kids.

And also every woman he fucks is taught it was those damn sneakers i'm dead serious if there was if there was a if there there was a question where you're like, Mama is going to answer with a word that ends in the letters E-R-S. And it was, I would be very scared. Sneakers or the other one, I may have won the other one. I just really hope I'm making a good impression on your mother tonight. By the way, during that moment,

the air was very thick. Holy Jesus. It is a different world. Oh, man. Is this kids do like sneakers? It's funny because I feel like it's Obama

America versus Gerald Ford America. It's like these two collaging ideas. So this fucking guy, this ex- Okay, so we got Shaquille O'Neal, which very well might have just been a Shaquille O'Neal joke. He's a jokester. He's a prankster. He's a very jovial man.

I can't. What this guy, his name is Sean Darling. I mean, come on, fuck this guy, first of all. But he's accusing Shaq of, among other things, besides the child porn, hacking into his personal account, which it doesn't say which personal account, destroying evidence by dumping a computer into a lake, and using his police contacts in his revenge plot. But it doesn't say what he's doing revenge for.

Like, it doesn't... I feel like this is a practical... These are a bunch of practical jokes. Yeah. I mean, this guy knows that Shaq's got money, and he's going after it. I hate this shit. He knows that, and also, I guarantee you,

as we all do, and when we have enough money to be exploited for the bad shit we do, people get dirt on you, and then you have to, like, you have to fuck them up. Yeah, I know. You know someone like Shaq

loves pranks. I'll tell you, man. When I get that fame and that money, all that shit, people get a hold of my laptop, I leave it at a Starbucks or something, get in a big grande. They're going to find so much sick-ass shit on there and they're going to send me an email

and be like, I know you were jacking off to some gaping ass full of piss. Which isn't even possible. All over the podcast. You know, I think this makes the fourth podcast in a row where Kissel is sit gaping. He's something he's into right now. He's working through it. Everything's going to be fine.

I love it. He's always been into it. It's like going to a drive-in movie theater. You get the whole show. It's fantastic. Kissel, describe the Grand Canyon. It is like when a woman goes on all fours, and she's like, stick it in me, stick it in me. I saw a chick getting fucked with a lollipop the other day.

But this wasn't a normal lollipop. This was like you go down to Mall of America, down to Camp Snoopy. You get one of those novelty ones. It's like where the lollipop kids come out of lollipops. Absolutely. It's the size of Randy Johnson, the former pitcher's fist. And they just shove it in and out, in and out. All right, we're going to cut this.

All right. Danny, one more thing, then we've got to close up Petapodcorn. I love the idea that it's the possibility that Shaq was pulling a prank because he had to pick up all this child porn. And then the guy's like, why do you need all of it? And he's like, oh no, it'll be funny. No better place to end

Pedophile Corner. Please don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. I got so many kids. Alright, we gotta wrap it up now with a segment from Holden McNeely.

All right, this week's segment is called The Worst Questions to Ask Ed in Front of His Mother. I don't think, ironically, Holden, I don't think that this can actually work anymore. Jackie, I know, right? Jackie, give me some drums and some bass for the, or some trumpets and some drums for the theme song. Trumpets and drums.

The worst song. The worst question to ask Ed in front of his mother. The worst question to ask Ed in front of his mother. Scream something, Kathleen. Eddie, how was the

breastfeeding? Was it good? Give your questions. Give your questions to his mother. Oh, yeah, right. Mama Kathleen, would you like to ask these questions to Ed? Yeah. Give the questions to Kathleen. Give them to Mama Kathleen. Come on. Hold on. Hold on. You never breastfed me.

That's why you have teeth, Ed. She can't see them Ed She can't see them She can't see them Alright, alright But, well, alright Okay, yeah I know I read like a retard

It's ridiculous Alright, so, Ed Yeah, what's up? How many women Have you slept with? Ah, Jesus I don't know Okay, Mama Kathleen

How many Top of the bed And then between the sheets I wouldn't know Mama Kathleen How many women Do you think Ed has slept with? Oh, I like this. I like this. Seven, eight, nine, ten.

How many fingers do you have? Ten. Ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty, sixty. Well, we only have about 70 people. How many? Ten, ten, twenty, thirty, sixty. You fucked everyone on the podcast. Oh, my God, Eddie.

Eddie, that's why you became Mr. Olympic Heights, remember? Remember, they all came here. I'm a bright and shining star. They knocked on the window and they said, What's up, Eddie? All right, I think we should change this segment to how Eddie's mother answers these questions as if she was Eddie. I'm serious. That's gold.

We gotta do it. We gotta do it. Eddie, Kathleen, We got to do it. We got to do it. Eddie, Kathleen, come up to the mic. Like, come on up. Eddie, have you... Answer these questions for your son, and, Eddie, you tell us if she's wrong. All right, all right, all right. Well, first one, she was wrong.

It's far less than seven. All right. You're 0 for 1, Mama Kathleen. You're 0 for 1, so you gotta get at least 3. Eddie, have you ever tried ecstasy? The drug ecstasy. Has Eddie ever tried ecstasy? I've never tried ecstasy, Mom.

No. It's a big moment. No, no, no, no, no, no. You son of a bitch! 0 for 2! Mama Kathleen, 0 for 2! Alright, what is the next? This next one's gonna be a doozy for the mom to answer.

Holy Christ. Eddie, what does your penis look like? She'll know this. She was the first one to see it. She'll know this. When he was born, let me tell you, it was so swollen. I was so worried. Worried?

Inside! He got inside. He really looked really good. Thank you. One for two. Mama Kathleen, one for two. How many more questions do we have, Holden? 15 pounds.

Oh. He was born 15 pounds. He was the biggest baby. And it was all in his cock. Since I've gotten older, now it looks more like a potato. You were definitely Polish-style kielbasa. Polish-style kielbasa. All right.

Just dip it in mustard. This next question. Hold on. How many more questions are there? There's four more. Four more. So you're one for two. All right.

All right. Eddie, if you were to liken your penis to a farm animal, what farm animal would that be and why? Say pig. I'm just saying, say pig. Well, she's oinking, it must be pig. It's a piggy. Just get the why.

It's a piggy. If she's oinking, it's a piggy. I think she's actually two for two. Two and two. I think she would actually two for two. Two and two. I think she would have guessed pig. That's what you're not guessing pig. It's long and pink. Two and two.

These next three are the three left? These next two have to be for Ed. They have to be for Ed. What physical feature of your mother's do you find most attractive? But Miss Kathleen, if you get this right, you be honest and you're going to get this point. Oh, she's dancing. I'll tell you what. My mom's got nice breasts.

Is that right? Is that right? Mama Kathleen, is that right? What did he say? What did he say? Nice breasts. Nice breasts. Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh! Three and two. She is doing great. This is a two-parter question. What is the second most attractive feature? Oh, what the fuck? If you get this wrong, we gotta go to the tiebreaker. If you get this right, the game's over.

Feet. I'm going feet. Second most attractive part on your body. Look at those feet, everybody. Slender feet. Slender. Shouldn't she be in a soundproof booth or something? Four out of six. All right.

Look in the corner. Are we doing one more for bonus? We got one more question. One more. One more question. Why not? I'll pose it to your mother first. On a scale of one to ten, how good is cocaine?

It depends on who you win. Oh! The best answer ever! 4 out of 7! 4 out of 7! Ladies and gentlemen, that's amazing! We gotta end this episode! Mama Cat, please!

Harley Goodspeed, Danny Solomon, Jackie Zabrowski, Eddie Lawson, Holden McSqualey, Kevin Barnett, I'm Ben Kissel, Newsman Marcus Parks. Fucking have a good commute. This is the best thing that's ever happened to Ray. God damn. Oh, God.