The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 151: Easter Pills

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a rare bird dies in front of dozens of Englishmen, a stripper has a miscarriage while twerking onstage, and a man in Wisconsin is arrested for having sex with a couch in public.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Leave them to me. What do you think, Marcus? I mean, yeah, anytime. Jackie, okay, Jackie, you're praying

today. Dear, was it Yahweh? What's it, Rastafari? I'm becoming a Rastafari. You can't, first of all, you cannot become a Rastafari if you do not know the name of your God. Yeah, you have to know that first. No, no, no, I just watched this new blind documentary. It's Jah't you asking kevin he's at least like from jamaica i don't think i mean you can't automatically assume that he's ross safarian man i live a different life no i've got an african

dress on today African to South Africa That means that you are You believe in apartheid Which is the Separation of race No no no Nelson Mandela Please

On his deathbed Yeah Be polite Henry Be very polite He's about to die I'm gonna say That I believe in one love And smoking weed

Every day God damn it Jackie And I got a little Ponytail on top of my head, which means that I don't give a fuck about what you think about me and my people. Thank you. The Polish people?

No, no, no, no, no. My brothers and sisters. I don't think they want you. I think they will slowly kick you out of the religion. Thank you very much. I'm done. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen with our new lord and savior, Yaa. This is very exciting.

Sitting in for Ed Larson. We've got a beautiful fellow over there. Mr. Henry Zebrowski, again, I want to thank Ed for being missing today so I could step up to the plate and show everybody what I fucking got. The kind of fuck I'm slinging around because I'm slinging fuck on the radio. Which I think is funny because your eyebrows are green today. I was playing a weed leprechaun earlier today. Yes, and what was the name?

Henry Zebrowski looks like the Incredible Hulk as he hulked out, but then he just realized he hadn't worked out for a month. The joke earlier was he's the Incredible Bolt. This is the ninth time. The Incredible Bolt. He's so fat. This is a new crowd for this show. I thought that was a funny thing to say. Kevin, why did you think that was so funny with the Incredible Bolt. This is the ninth time. He's so fat. This is a new crowd for this show. I thought that was a funny thing.

Kevin, why did you think that was so funny with the Incredible Bolt? Because that what he did was the definition of comedy. Yeah. Because Henry is so fat that he was painted green. I didn't even realize at first because I had no idea that you were painted green. And I literally like 30 seconds ago was just looking at your arm. And I was like, damn, Henry's dying. Not looking great.

I look like Beetlejuice. What was the name of the incredible, the little fairy that you were playing? Oh, Tinkertop McNugans from Ireland, the weed leprechaun. Oh, okay, fantastic. Yes, smoke weed every day. And that's for the Murder Fist web series

that's going to be coming out very soon. It's going to blow all your fucking minds at some point in the near future. Holden McNeely here, and for all the people out in the world, stop fucking with me. What happened? What happened to you? I just want to say it. I don't want him to do it. Is it because you're covered in sweat right now?

Yeah, I'm covered in sweat. I ate a hot bean burrito, and I put a lot of hot sauce on it. But no, the people out there who would like to try me, apparently, is what you say. But who says? I don't know. Just people who want to try me, want to test me, or want to put me through tests. Have you been tried or tested lately?

Absolutely. What happened? Just a bunch of bitches being insane shit to me. And it's like, if I'm going to be out there on the streets, because I do frequent them. No, you don't't you sit on the couch and play last of us absolutely that game today it was fantastic but when I go to get a tall boy to play more video games right stay out of my way and don't be mean to me it's actually amazing how inactive you are yet every time I see you it looks

like you've been running from someone burritos holy lord I, I am sweating. You sweat. It looks like your chest is crying. It's just little droplets coming out of your fucking hollow. I think it's called when a rash is weeping. You are covered in rash under your clothes, right? My skin has been looked at by scientists.

And I said, you will not keep me in this lab a day more, sir. I am not a lizard. I am a human being. Absolutely. The shirt of Holden is going to be the new cloth of Turin. That's going to be really quite amazing. Look at these uterus stains on this. What is this?

It's from sweat? Holden sweats in the pattern of a uterus on his chest. It's kind of fun. It's very bizarre. Absolutely. Thank you, Love Jaw as well. Yeah, Jaw, Jaw. Hell yeah.

All right. Fucking to the tunes. Got me sandals on. Heed Holden's well. Yeah, Ja, Ja. Hell yeah. All right. Fucking to the tunes. Got me sadness on. Heed Holden's warning. He is a serial killer. Oh, yeah. Kevin Barnett, man. You heard what I said.

That's right. And of course, I am Ben Kissel. And we have nobody in the chuckle hut today. This is awesome. We have so much space. I was out here last week. We were in the new studio. I hate change, though.

Are you doing okay with it, Jackie? No, I just like, I'm not. I don't know, for someone that's complaining about the fucking space, you are spread out. Yeah, you're spread eagle right now. The room is a little bit odorous. Well, it's because my dress is so long. I've got my Afrikaan dress

on. You look like a madam in an Old West whorehouse. You do, but you just completely changed religions, and you don't like change? I mean, this must be a pretty big step in the... Yeah, I'm evolving. I'm going from dinosaur into human being. Oh, okay. I'm going to say again, the dinosaurs did not turn into human beings.

Yeah. They never did? All right, well, let's get to... Jackie, I want to say real quick, you are a beautiful African queen. Thank you! Oh, my God, like Storm. I always wanted to be Storm from the X-Men and now I finally am.

Well, she could fly and control the weather. What? Yeah, exactly. But she was also an African queen. Kevin, how do you feel about this?

Just real quick. I'm just very confused about the whole situation. Yeah. You should watch Reincarnation, the Snoop Lion documentary. All right, watch that.

One documentary. You smoked a lot of weed and you smoked weed while watching it. You're starting to think that you're him and you're not because he's been through a whole world of other shit. Yeah, but we came from the same place. You know what I mean?

No, not at all. Palm Harbor, Florida. Yeah, from a Polish family in Queens. I don't know if Snoop Dogg or Snoop Lion came from that womb. Oh, man. We are kindred spirits. All right.

Well, let's get to some news. Marcus, what's our first story today, buddy? Hot Houston stripper and sometimes model Joni Blaze reportedly had a miscarriage on stage while in the throes of twerking. All right. So, of course, we all know what twerking is where you're on your hands and your ass is in the air.

And then a fountain of blood and miscarriage. Yeah. Flew all over the men in the front row. It's like a weird thing of how my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. Right. Not when it's strawberry. Yeah. Wait, what is twerking?

You shake your butt, right? Yeah, you shake your butt. Yes. And it's very erotic. It's very exciting stuff. Yeah, Kevin, you've gotten lost in twerking videos, you shake your butt. Yes. And it's very erotic. It's very exciting stuff. Yeah, Kevin, you've gotten lost in twerking videos and stuff. Several times. Yeah.

Now, that's just when they isolate the butt, right? And you go, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. It's more just about the bounce, man. But, you know, it's just like, yeah. But you don't always have to be on your hands. Oh, okay. You know, it's just like a violent ass bouncing. Can your arms be up in the air?

I mean, I feel like it's difficult to do. You can do it in a handstand. There's everything you can think of that you can believe in yourself to do, you can do. Am I able to do this? Not all women can do it, though, right? Well, I don't know if you would be able to do it, but now perhaps with your new religion and newfound roots.

I might be able to, though. You don't have the hip isolation. What do you mean? You've never seen what I can do. Well, let's hope he hasn't anyway. You are brother and sister. That would be very disgusting. I feel like female astronauts can't twerk. Well, maybe in zero gravity it might be a little bit easier.

I mean, this is a straight-up physical feat to be able to twerk, right? Have that sort of hydraulic lift with your ass. It's a beautiful thing. Yeah, not everybody can do it, though. So if you're at this strip club, you're sitting in front row, you have your dollar out, and it's probably in your mouth,

and you want her to come and grab it with her tits, do you put another dollar in your mouth because you're so happy about what you're seeing, or do you take the dollar out and slowly move away from the stage? But the big thing, she's no longer dancing for two, so you don't have to worry about giving her as big of a tip. Oh, okay, so just 50 cents, something like that, a quarter. Yeah, just throw a quarter at her where her baby

used to live. Is there a picture? Because the thing is that a miscarriage doesn't, like, shoot out of you like a rocket. Yeah, just, like, look at a volcano, but then replace the lava with blood. It said on stage she started bleeding profusely. The stripper then left the stage and to the back where she started having convulsions. She was then rushed to the emergency room where doctors gave her a blood transfusion for the loss of blood. Jesus. Losing a baby.

It's always very tough, a miscarriage. Does it not make you like, then you didn't have to spend the money on the abortion. Sure, just twerk. Just twerk it out. Twerk it out, girl. That's actually a really great idea that's right

if you're pregnant let's say you're in Texas and you won't be able to have an abortion after 20 weeks don't worry about it just twerk it out slap your butt

on a dude till the baby dies that's fine he's gonna love it I mean sort of depending on what he's into if he's super into it leave him immediately

because he's a serial killer but if you know what's like that movie Dumplings what is that movie Dumplings have you seen this movie it's a asian horror film where a woman takes um dead babies and hacks them up into like a meat paste and then it makes people young again oh okay yeah did you order dumplings after

watching this or were you i was eating dumplings the whole time yeah yeah it's like is that like a specific japanese thing is that like a thing that needs to be covered on last podcast where like Japanese seem very obsessed with eating babies and making them young to keep them young? Well, they murder a lot of babies in the Asian culture, especially in China. You just can't have that many. You gotta do something with the

placenta and all those weird fetuses. They fucked all those babies. What's going on? What's new in the news? Of course, I do want to say real quick, thanks for everyone who came out to the last podcast on the left live show last night, and apparently we made a bunch of people cry. I sat

behind a girl that cried through the last 15 minutes of the show. We were playing footage from the movie Men Behind the Sun. We sent Holden's girlfriend to the bathroom crying. She was upset. Yeah, she was crying. She was crying in here. The big problem is just like she spent so much time with you.

I figured that she wouldn't have any tears left. Have seen all the horrors. Well, and the horror video that really got Holden's girlfriend upset was a video about the dog burying another dog. And, of course, it was on the oh, my God, how cute section of BuzzFeed and things like that, but it turns out that dog was burying the other dog, so it would come back later and eat it like it was a wonderful little Krispy Kreme sandwich. I laughed

about that for a day! Lexi's crying. Holden's wonderful girlfriend. He takes her downstairs to check out the new studio. She's like, so what are you guys going to use this place for? He's like, oh, we're doing a segment we're filming for our web series. It's called Puppy News and it's basically a segment about every

dog's dying. 420,000 puppies dying in the collapse of the Golden Gate Bridge. So really, I mean, I did not explain. I was like, oh, it's a show about a fake news program called Puppy News. It's so adorable. Yeah, it was horrifying. I can't wait to see it, Holden.

And maybe when we go out, we can watch it on our phones. You're so much better than Ben and Henry. They don't love dogs, but you love dogs. Which is pretty amazing. So do you get fired as a stripper if you have a miscarriage on stage? I don't think so. I think you get demoted. You do get demoted.

I get promoted. This girl can get intooted. You do get demoted? They get promoted. This girl can get into any strip club in Houston that she wants to. You want to see a picture of this woman? Yes, please. If we could see her having the miscarriage. Oh, she's gorgeous. She's stunning.

Yeah, she's a self-proclaimed queen of Houston. I agree. You can't waste all that talent on a baby. Did she used to be a man? That's maybe right, Julia. She has a man's face, though. No, she does not have a man's face. She's stunning. Look at that. Oh, this does not have a man's face. She's stunning.

Oh, this is great. You know what? I don't know. I'm still tipping her. Ben, describe what you were seeing, Ben. Right there, I was watching a woman that if I saw her have a miscarriage on stage, I would immediately say, I am the child's father. Give me my boy.

Give me my son. I would sweep it up, and I would take care of it. Oh, wow. Ben asked, watching her twerk, just Google Joni Blaze. Give me my boy. Give me my son. I would sweep it up and I would take care of it. Oh, wow. That ass. Watching her twerk would be just Google Joni Blaze. J-A-J-O-N-I. She was Mieyo Mami of the week. Mieyo Mami.

Mieyo Mami. And I believe that was the picture that we're looking at here is from a film shoot called The Summer Bunnies. Yeah, Summer Bunnies. She's got a ham hock down there. That's not a butt. That's a perfect butt. That's a hock. She's got a ham hock down there. That's not a butt. That's a perfect butt. That's a hock. No, that's a hock of meat.

It's a hock of muscle. I think it's a compliment. Yeah, I love it. If we were on an island, we'd eat her butt. I'd eat her butt. Oh, yes. I'm sure she'd be thrilled to have two Zebrowskis eating her butt. The first thing I'd do is have pleasure for hours.

How are you going to pleasure her, Henry? Oh, every crevice, cover, and coconut milk. No, thank you. Sucking out all the buttholes. There's just one. Yeah. Yeah, unless you drill more inside of her, which is a very big possibility. Are those ass implants?

No, that's all real. How do you tell? How do you know? I know. Kevin, you know physical therapy very well. You know quite a bit about the human body. What sort of exercise do you have to do if you're a lady out there to get that ass in twerking ability? Well, that right there, that's just the work of God right there, man.

That's what you can really do to it. Work a job. But squats, people doing squats, lunges, that type of thing will help to try to achieve something. So, Jackie, how many squats are you going to start doing a day to get a beautiful butt like that so you can twerk all over town? At least half a nine. Half a nine. Squat for my butt over here. I'm doing it right now.

I have no butt. There's something about the Polish. They have so much body, but then it never drips down to make a butt. Yeah, there's no butt. I have a lot of belly and I got a lot of thigh, but in between it's like a desert of time. So a woman with it's like a desert of time. So a woman with an ass like that,

that's a very sought-after gal. I would assume borderline impossible to actually impregnate. Oh, now we're looking. Is this the same girl, Marcus? This is the same girl, yeah. She's covered in money. This is right before the miscarriage, actually.

Oh, well, all right. She is butt naked, literally butt naked. She is wearing a top, though. She's lying on a bunch of $1 bills, which is kind of sad. Money is very dirty. And really, if you're a lady out there, have some class. Lay on $100 bills. You can't lie on $1 bills.

I mean, that's pathetic. Yeah, she's laying on about $93. That's about it. Probably some pennies on her stomach as well. That's probably why she had the miscarriage, right? Don't you put dollars in a pussy, right? No, you can put them in a butt, and you can put them in their bikinis. You never put them in a pussy.

No, I mean, who wants to have money in their pussy? You don't roll it up and put it in your pussy. Yeah. I don't know. Have you ever had a dollar in your pussy or any currency? No, but I've never twerked in front of a bunch of drooling idiots either. Well, they might have been very smart men. They could have been smart. There could front of a bunch of drooling idiots either. Well, they might have been very smart men. They could have been smart.

They could have been a couple of scientists. I mean, obviously, if you are a doctor, can you imagine going to the strip club, a woman has a miscarriage, and you literally hear, is there a doctor in the house? And they're like, so happens. I'm a rock hard doctor. This is really phenomenal. I'm happy that she's okay, though. She's fine.

Yeah, yeah. She tweeted from the ER. She did let everyone know immediately that it was a miscarriage. Yeah, I would happy that she's okay, though. She's fine. Yeah, yeah. She tweeted from the ER. She did let everyone know immediately that it was a miscarriage. Yeah, I would keep that to myself. You know? No, I think that's actually I think it's more important that she says it's a miscarriage because if it was just her period, then she's a bad

woman. Because then, like, if you didn't plan ahead or at least think that, like, oh, I'm going to be ass naked with my pussy out in front of a bunch of people. But a lot of times these strippers, they're on their periods while they're dancing. And they're busy. They're focused. They're thinking a lot.

It doesn't shoot out of them. If it shoots out of you and it's not a miscarriage, then you have a really big issue. I'm about to throw up. Okay. All right. Well, we don't want to have this entire floor covered with vomit. So let's move on to a story that doesn't involve miscarriages and things that make Henry want to vomit. The white

throated needle tail. What's that? Are we still on the same story? The world's fastest flying bird was thousands of miles off course after turning up at Tarbert on the Isle of Harris in England. It was first seen by two bird spotters from Northumberland on Monday. There has not been a sighting of the

species in Britain since 1991, when a single bird was seen four times. In Kent, Staffordshire, Derbyshire, and finally, Shetland. This is the worst story. What is happening? We were just talking about dorking and miscarriages,

and now we're talking about this. A bird that's fast? Jackie, did you literally just... Is that the end? Is that the end? That's the end. Is that the story? Okay. I just want to say, I just love the round table so much because I just got to hear Jackie

out of the sentence, I want more clots. I remember just super referring to blood clots. That's great. Now. Disgusting. 22 years later, another white-throated needle tail turned up in the UK oh good this is great

I love this story I'm actually very interested yes but after more than 80 twitchers flocked to Harris what's a twitcher

a bird watcher that's what they call them that's some fucking shit so we've talked about tweeters twerkers and twitchers now twitcher sounds like

somebody's been hit by a car. Yeah. Just laying in a fucking ditch. Yeah, and had a stroke so half their face doesn't work. I can't wait to see the worst, bestest bird. I think we should just start calling those people zombies and shoot them in the head. I'm just so glad because one day I don't have to bring my diaper carriage with me

because my nurse called me to see where the birds go. Well, that's just another great SNL character from Henry Zebrowski. diaper carriage with me because my nurse called me to see you to the bird school. Well, that's just another great SNL character from Henry Zebrowski. Now, 22 years later, after another white-throated needle tail turned up in the UK, but after more than 80 twitchers flocked to Harris

with scores more on their way, the bird flew into a wind turbine at the end. And is now dead. Oh, what? That's so sad. Wasn't that worth it? That was like a bedtime story.

I loved that. I would just love to be a part of that crowd and let people be like, oh, here he comes, here he comes. Oh my god! It was witnessed by over 40 people. That's wild. Josh Jones of Birdguide said, it was seen by birders

fly straight into the turbine. It is ironic that after waiting so long for this bird to turn up in the UK, it was killed by a wind turbine. Clean energy. And not a natural predator. I like this last one. We think the bird had probably come from Siberia. It's so sad what has happened.

It made it out of Siberia. It thinks it's home free. And it runs into the world's largest fan. I mean, it's a pretty badass looking bird. Check out that bird. It's a gorgeous bird as far as birds go. This is my fucking question. This bird has made it halfway around the fucking

globe. Yes. It flies into a giant fan? Yeah, that's what happened. It avoided everything else? The fan moves so fast they can't see it. No! If you're gonna die, though, that was a sweet face you made, Jackie. If you're going to fly into one thing,

I mean, a fan's better than a wall, right? A fan's better than, you know, some sort of disgusting piece of a mountain or something like that. Have you ever... I was sitting and eating breakfast in the face of a mountain. Yeah, you know, like the side of a mountain. All mountains are disgusting. You just sounded like an injury lawyer. Now, have you ever seen a bird fly into a window?

I was sitting right next to a window eating breakfast at a diner, and a bird flew into the window at me, and I turned and saw it right as it happened and just watched it smash to death up against the window. And then I watched it slide down the window, and then I continued to eat my breakfast. Were you eating chicken as well? No, no, I was eating waffles.

I felt really bad, though, but it's kind of sad. He was just coming to see me. I mean, it's just interesting, because I would assume most torturers are environmentalists, and I'm assuming that they really enjoy wind turbine technology, and that's what ended up killing the bird. There's a certain irony there. It was spotted by chance by two birders from Northumberland who were on holiday,

and they knew what they were looking at. Humberland is a stupid name for a place. Northumberland. Yeah. It's all one word. What do you think those people look like? Northumberland. They have triangle fucking heads.

That's not true. That doesn't happen in nature. That doesn't happen. Their heads are shaped like triangles. Why? They fucking milk cows with their mouths. There's not a single member of the hat industry in Northumberland. No, it doesn't sound like it's possible.

No, unless it's all funnels. Yeah. And it had been seen the previous day. This is when it was officially spotted. But it had also been spotted the previous day in Loch Hieroclite. Hieroclite? Wow, that's kind of fun. Maybe it's Hieroclite.

Right. But I like to say Hieroclite. Yeah. I got that. I got more of Lowerclite. You know what I mean? You have a Lowerclite. The people, the men of Northumberland shaved their pubic hair to make it look like a mustache

over their dick. Good. Okay, very interesting. I don't even know why they would, though. Jackie, how low is your clit? How low can it go? It's my ankles. Chugs always rub my ankles. Nobody knows.

They call me the female lawnmower. Yeah, that's also a good thing. What is that? What happened, Jackie? I just imagined him rubbing my ankles and me getting off and I just like, eat off his hair off the top of his head. That's so weird.

What reason do you have? He's not the lawnmower. Oh, I see. Sort of like Blanca's finisher from Street Fighter. Yeah. I just mentioned a super long clitoris. Yeah. And you pull on it like you're starting a motor.

Oh, sure. And you think about that attached to Jack. You know what I realized? That nothing anyone has said in the past five minutes has made any sense. No, very little. Very, very little sense. Like a mustache. With the pubic hair.

Right, right. All right. Well, let's get out of bird news. Job for life! Job, man! Let's go to a more round-table-y type story. Of course, we're going to Wisconsin. Oh, let's get out of Wisconsin. Let's go somewhere else.

A Wisconsin man busted for having sex with a couch dumped on the street has been banned from watching porn for life. What? I don't understand how you do that. He was fucking a couch. He was fucking a couch. Lack of porn is the problem. Exactly, right? After a psychological exam,

a psychiatrist surmised that his porn addiction was the source of his problem. I've watched a lot of porno and I've never once wanted to hump a piece of furniture. So it's like, imagine looking down

and seeing the two cushions and being like, man, just for a second, that kind of looks like a butt. Yeah, if you really look at it like that. Yeah, but haven't you guys said that you put your dick underneath a mattress?

Right? No, I did. No, you put the mattress? Like originally. Like when you're trying to figure out how to masturbate like a fucking animal.

Did you put a royal wee in there? Because I did not. I've never done that. Other people have. We've got to fuck furniture when you're trying to figure it out. Is that what you started on, Kevin? Yeah.

And what kind of furniture were you fucking? All types of things, man. Like a recliner? Yeah. Chairs. Really? Did you have a specific favorite, like a leather couch or a nice sofa? I had no standards.

Okay. All types of furniture. Nothing has changed. Yeah, I got to the point I was closing a door on it just to see. Slamming a door down. Slam it down. That was more to punish my parents. I don't understand. I don't even get why.

I saw a picture of a dude this afternoon of a guy who broke his dick. It was horrible. It looked like blood sausage. What do you mean? If your girl's on top, I hate talking about what you were about this. Look at Kevin while you say it. When a girl's on top. I hate talking about what you are about this. Just don't look at Kevin while

you say it. When a girl's on top, she bounces up and down. Say it sexier. When a girl's on top, she bounces up and down. Is that sexy? It's sexy to me. Oh, okay. And then she like misses it. It like pops out and she misses it. She goes

bam, bam, bam. It just snaps. It breaks it. See, that's the woman's fault, though. Yes. Sort of, yeah. Yeah. You've got to be responsible. So, Kevin, when you're fucking the couch,

do you just come in the couch or do you pull out and, like, come on a cushion or do you give, like, a facial? There's a lot of options, man. Yeah? I think when I first started doing it, I couldn't yet. Same here. Same here. I never came off of pumping the mattresses.

Well, you're better than this guy from Wisconsin. See, I just looked it up on the encyclopedia, and I just did it. So, I mean, I just looked it up. Yeah. Yeah. Kids nowadays don't have to fuck couches now, right? With Pornhub and all those things. You can get a flashlight. Yeah. The technology has

evolved. You can't get a flashlight when you're 10 years old. Sure we can. Go to the store. What store? The porn store. They don't sell stuff to 10-year-olds. You can get it online, when you're 10 years old. Sure we can. Go to the store. What store? The porn store. They don't sell stuff to 10-year-olds. You can get it online, though, at Amazon.com. That is true. I haven't ordered eight, you know, because I don't ruin them.

You had the one free one. Yeah. You ruined it. I didn't ruin it. I had one free fucking flashlight. I had it for three hours. Before I knew it, every one of my friends had their fingers in it, and they were all licking on it and stuff.

It was fun to play with. It was disgusting. It was no longer usable. I can't put my dick in something that Holden's fondled as if it was a newborn child. It was all covered in dirt. Yeah, by the end of it, you were fucking pawing all over it. It was like a Mexican prostitute. Mark has got his

fleshlight home nice and safe. He got to use it a couple of times. What do you mean a couple of times? They still use it. That's disgusting. Lord knows. Use a couch like Kevin for Christ's sake. You still use a flashlight? Yeah. It's great. Really? Yeah. You Christ's sake Yeah It's great You have a girlfriend It's like brand new

She's not there all the time Do you put it in the microwave? Do you say nice things to it? Do you put lube in it? Of course yeah you have to put lube in it But wouldn't it be fun if you didn't? No it would rip the skin off the top of your penis Yeah it's not going to work

I thought it was like a fantasy where it's like the skin off the top of your penis. Yeah, it's not going to work unless you put lube in it. I thought it was like a fantasy where it's like, oh, she doesn't want it. That's disgusting. What are you fucking even talking about? That's your fantasy, Jack. With your ponytail on the top of your head, you look like a radish from Super Mario Bros. 2. Oh, leave her alone, Henry. Don't accurately describe her like that.

Mario, don't pick me. Jesus. You look great, Jackie. You look great. I love you and your religion. I know, you're still hot. I'm hot. No, I'm not hot, y'all. Don't pick me. Jesus. You look great, Jackie. You look great. I love you and your religion. I know. You're still hot. That's the thing. I'm hot.

No, I'm temperature-wise warm. Kevin, did you lube up the couch before you fucked it? Nah, no lube. Raw dog. Straight up friction. Burn. Yeah, it hurts. That's the worst.

That was so bad. It's like rug burn on your dick. That was bad. I made a lot of mistakes, man. Yeah, I was trying to figure it out. It was trial and fucking error. I didn't know how to jerk off immediately. I was like a fucking... I just can't imagine you sitting at dinner as 12-year-old Holden

McNeely, just like hands in your laps going like, Holden, you enjoying dinner? It's like, yeah. Yes, mommy. Are you fucking the chair, Holden? Are you coming... It never works, mommy. Tom, your son is coming at the dinner table.

Please take him upstairs. They would leave me alone shortly after I informed them that I was playing the I'm sorry game. I hate the I'm sorry game. Playing the I'm sorry game and then they'd go. They would leave for a couple days. I am stunned. I am stunned you are not a victim of molestation. The things you say.

No, not at all. No, because he creeped out the mall. Yeah, they were horrified. Yeah, they were horrified of me. Naughty teacher. No, he's just running after that man's van. The guy looks like a pedophile. Take me with you. That's actually a great thing to teach your kids.

It's like if you are creepier than the molester, then they'll never molest you. That's a good point. I mean, you know, if you're out there and you have a six-year-old. I'm ready to be a mother. Become a stripper first so that you never have the baby and you can have a little miscarriage of your own.

I'm a twerk. Yeah, daddy. All right. That's about right. So now this man can no longer watch porn in Wisconsin. Yeah, and this man, his name is Gerard Streeter. Oh, he's got the intensity. Here's a man who has fucked a couch.

He actually sort of looks like Holden. He's never blinked. No, no. Check out the Roundtable Facebook page for a picture of Gerard Streeter. The problem is that he's also, what you don't tell you is that there's a couch in the room where he's getting a picture taken. He's just fucking eyeballing it. Spooking on a couch. Eyeballing.

Spooking on the coach. Ryan Edwards, an off-duty police officer, was out jogging at 11 p.m. when he spotted the 47-year-old making out with the furniture. See, now that's a step I wasn't expecting. He was kissing on it. He was kissing it. Kevin, you never romanced your furniture? I didn't know, man. You know you treat the couch like a dirty-ass hoe that you don't want to be seen with.

You don't make out with the couch. Right, okay. Definitely not in public. That's something you do in the dark where people aren't around so your boys can't clown you. Yeah, they agree. Do it, baby. Do it, baby. I'll show them all, baby.

Yeah. Streeter said, or Edward said, the off-duty police officer, I saw a subject leaning over the couch facing down, and it looked like he was having sexual relations with someone. I could see the male's hips thrusting up and down on the couch. Oh my. I concluded that he had been thrusting his pelvic area against the cushions and trying to sexually gratify himself by rubbing his

penis between the two cushions. How'd you figure it out? Deduction, my friend. Deduction. Well, I gotta say straight up that that was the sexiest big brown couch I've ever seen. Oh, yes. And after asking Streeter what he was doing,

Edwards saw him jump up and run off with his pants down, revealing that he was the only one carrying out the act. He's like, hey, what are you doing over there? And he thought he was fucking someone else.

Sure. Just jumped up and ran off like, oh, he was fucking that couch. I don't think this should be illegal. If this is indoors, it's not illegal, right? No, it's not illegal indoors. But you got charged with public lewdness.

Five months sentence. Five months in jail for this? What? For fucking a couch? Yeah, in public. Man, he's going to get fucked with in prison, man. I guess so. What are you in for?

Do you get fucked with in prison if you're busted for having sex with a couch? I don't know if you do. I'm seriously interviewed. You think so? Yeah, you become the bullied one definitely immediately. I mean, a pedophile, a murderer, or somebody who has sex with a couch. I mean, who's getting bullied more? There should be a program that just says to people,

if you want to fuck kids, just fuck couches. Sure, kids for couches. Put a little kid's face picture on a couch and have them fuck the couch. Sure. If we can do that. They do cash for guns. If you have a couple of kids in your attic, give us your kids and we'll give you a couch. Sure. If we can do that. Like they do cash for guns. Like if you have a couple of kids in your attic, give us your kids and we'll give you a couch.

But maybe it should have a mascot, like a dog with sunglasses, like raps or something. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Fuck on the couch. Fuck on the couch. Don't fuck Kleiner.

Fuck on the couch. We got to work on those rhymes. That's a good rap. No, you're not. I thought it was a good rap, though. Yeah, the kids will really be into it. Pedophiles might like it. That's who you're trying to reach out to.

Know your audience. You know? Fans of anime. Oh, indeed. Love my rapping. I would assume there's probably a disproportionate amount of pedophiles who just love anime. Oh, definitely, because all the little girls in there that are heroes and they're wearing just the tiniest little skirts. Exactly. Kevin, you like anime.

I love anime, man. I love children. Oh, what? This is why we need to do the Kids for Cash program. Kids for Couch. Kids for Couch. My life went on the proper path because I started fucking couches at an early age. Right.

Good sports spokesperson. Yes, Jackie. Good spokesperson. Indeed. I'm going to repeat that back to you just as you said it. Good sports spokesperson. Because I almost said sports center. Sports center?

But I knew halfway through that it wasn't the right word. I think you did a wonderful job. I'm embarrassed enough. This room is changing everything. She's great. Again, the second episode in this room, and the whole show has changed. It's quite dramatic. All right, Marcus. Well, let's move on from this.

It's all the room. It is a larger room. Let's move on. Unless there's some other quotes or anything from this story you want to hit on. No, that's it. Let's just move on. But we can all agree five months in jail is far too long for public having sex with a couch, right?

There is one more detail is that after the cops started chasing him, he locked himself in his apartment but was arrested the following day at the hotel

where he worked. They did a stakeout? At a hotel? Yeah. It's fine. If you're a couch fucker, it's as much like how pedophiles work

at daycare centers for the YMCA. If you love furniture, I mean, a hotel is where you want to be. Five months does seem too long until I found out he works at a hotel. Because that means he fucked every fucking couch in that house. Oh, the couch is he fucked. And he was so fucking engorged by every couch that he's seen. And not only had a job.

I thought he was just like a homeless dude. Sure. He had a job. That means he saw that couch and he was so fucking horny by that couch on the side of the road. So you're arguing he's a serial couch rapist? You think this guy's a serial couch rapist?

I guess it just takes all kinds. For what? To build what society? I don't know. Yeah, I suppose so. I don't know. Maybe he played the flute beautifully. Could be. Maybe that's what it was. That was his ability. Henry, you're the know. Maybe he played the flute beautifully. Could be, yeah. Maybe that's what it was. That was his ability. All right, Henry, you're the judge.

He does play the flute beautifully. What are you giving this guy? You can give him weird punishments, by the way. If he makes me cry one solitary tear with his song of flute, he's a free man. Not only is he a free man, but I will recommend him to work at Ikea. Oh, wow. Because that's the thing. That's a furniture lover. It is. Or Architecture Digest. I will recommend him to work at Ikea Oh wow That's a furniture lover Or architecture digest

Because that's just straight fucking porno to him Yeah he'll be the best at it No one can give you better advice on how to set your room up nice Swag life with a good couch Absolutely You gotta get yourself a chair Because at the same time you want to keep that couch in your eye At any given point

That couch has got to be the center of the room because that's a trophy wife. Indeed. That couch gets jealous. Everything in that living room is going down. Oh, man. I think that the couch that I would fuck would be the ones that have the recliner seats in them. That's a sexy couch. I've got one of those.

Oh, no. All right. Let's move on. Things are getting really disgusting and depraved now. I do have a food related story. Let's do a food story. Henry, when was the last time

you ate, Henry? I had some cereal in the house. Okay, let's move on to a food story. A man strangled his mother's pit bull puppy and cooked and ate some of the remains before he was arrested Thursday on an animal cruelty charge. This was in Tampa. Oh, Tampa.

Good Florida news. Of course it was a pit bull. That's the only dogs they have there. Can I ask what the nationality of the person was that ate it? Yes, they... You get two questions. Oh, no, no, no. I thought...

I mean, I just thought that the name was just like... You wanted them to be Asian. Yes, they... You got two questions. Oh, no, no, no. I thought... I mean, I just thought that the name was just like... You wanted them to be Asian. Yes, absolutely. And then... I wish someone could have seen him from my perspective because Marcus scrolled up to the picture and then he went, oh, no, that's not what I meant.

Did he show a picture of him? He's a black fella. There he is. I thought he was a black fella. Well, see, the tip-off was Pitbull. That was the thing. No, no, no. They could have been Cuban. Asians don't discriminate. No, it's Cuban. No, see, the tip-off was pit bull. That was the thing. No, no, no. They could have been Cuban.

No, it's Cuban. No, they want a bigger dog, the better. They want a pit bull because they're like, oh, you get nine ribs. Nine ribs instead of four. What? Nine ribs. No, no. They use smaller dogs, like a miniature pincher.

Because remember the picture of all the dog eating festival they had over there that Ed put up on my Facebook wall? And they all look like miniature pinchers. I will say, everything you guys are saying is racist, but there is some truth to it. Mara, my ex-girlfriend. Take me back, you know, my ex-girlfriend. Just take me. Just take me back.

I'm changed now. I'm on medication. I'm not drinking as much. I'm still drinking a lot, but not quite as much. He is drinking the same amount, Mara. Don't lie to her, Holden. Don't lie to her. My God, she does not listen to this.

Literally has three beers, went to get a bigger cup than everyone else. That is fine, Kevin. We're different people. I'm a larger man. He has now put a quote unquote fart bucket into his room where he keeps his farts. Yeah, he says it's also called a ghost catcher. Sure. You never know where memories are stored.

Mara, your life is better now. It doesn't matter what you just said to her. She's not listening. But the thing is, she was in Cambodia, and it was very interesting. Multiple pictures. Just no reason to go. I don't know why she travels to the world. This is one of the reasons.

We're not the same person. Anyway. I'm more of a stay-at-home kind of guy. But anyway, what I'm saying is, multiple pictures. She saved my life once. It was great. It doesn't matter, Marcus, how great she was. I miss you, girl.

Just very pleasant. For years, I love that you're here. But you guys are my friends. Yeah, she cleaned our bathroom. She would clean our place all the time. She was great. And she's so fashionable. She would give me clothes, but only the bigger ones.

So she felt like it made us like, oh, we're the same size, but we're not at all. Now you're Ben. Anyway. No, obviously she's a far superior person to me. But she was in Cambodia, and she has multiple pictures of small motorbikes, and there are just a bunch of dogs in cages on the back of them. And I'm like, what are they doing? Are they going to go sell them to needy kids?

And they're just going to market and they just like skin them live. And these dogs were very similar to that. Yeah, that's the picture. It looks like a dog picture. But no, but these dogs were still alive and they were unbelievably adorable dogs. And yeah, they just eat the fuck out of them. And they're all saying like, the wheels on the bus go round and round. That's fine.

It was interesting though. I didn't realize that they actually ate cute dogs. I thought they ate more like undomesticated, like, yeah, disgusting looking sort of piggish type dogs. I bet you $100. Last night on the last podcast on the left live, you guys showed a clip of the world's only smiling dog. So cute.

And I bet that they killed that dog 30 seconds after that video was done. You can't kill a smiling dog. Can you imagine you cut off his head, he's smiling at you, and you just put it in the middle of the table as a centerpiece while you eat it? Sure. Apparently the emperor called for it because if he ate a dog's smile, he gets four wishes. Oh, really?

I don't think it was properly explained. The video was from, like, China. Yeah. I feel like that was... I didn't mean to say it. His lucky number that day was 67. Kevin, what do you think about people eating dogs? From, like, China. Yeah. I feel like that was... I didn't mean to say it. His lucky number that day was 67. Kevin, what do you think about people eating dogs?

I mean, we eat cows, and of course in India people are super upset. I've honestly just been wondering this whole time what it tastes like. Yeah. I'm curious. It seems like it would be gamey and sort of tight, like full of tendons and muscle and things. Yeah, but have you ever had, like, beef with broccoli? Broccoli?

Broccoli? What is broccoli? You just said broccory without an accent. You literally, that's how racist you've become, is that you're doing the stereotypical accent without the accent. I didn't mean to. Broccory. All right.

I feel like we've all eaten dog at some point. Yeah, we have to have that beef. We have not beef. We've eaten rat before we've eaten dog. I agree with that. Dogs are harder to get meat-wise. I think that dogs are a lot more medication now. These are dogs that are raised for eating.

They have whole fields of these dogs. No, but that's the thing. They were not raised for eating. They were just running around. Rogue dogs. You have a dog. That's what I meant by raised for eating. They're running around.

They're in the streets. People own them. Yeah. I found this website, askacorean.com. Okay, fantastic. Because apparently Koreans are very much into the dog eating. And dog is, let's see the picture here. It's just the puppies in a pot.

Oh, they're literally puppies in a pot with somebody trying to attack them with a chopstick. Chopsticks. Oh, my goodness. That's more racist than proper. These dogs are still alive. All right. Jesus Christ. Oh, dear.

Oh, sushi dog. We are trying to sell the show, guys. Who is that? Jimmy? All right. Fuck three billion listeners. You know, who needs them? Who needs that small Asian market?

It's traditionally a peasant food. Okay. It is not a high-end delicacy. It's what the poor people eat. Oh, right. And they're just such adorable dogs. Anyway, 86% of Koreans say that they have eaten dog at one point or another. Yeah, because it's around.

Yeah, it's like street meat. It's like when I eat the hall cart meat. Because the Livestock Processing Act does not cover dog meat. Dog ranchers and dog meat sellers essentially go for the raising-slaughtering method that generates maximum profit. And you know what? I thought the dog ranchers was going to get more of a laugh. No, honestly, dog ranchers made me laugh

because I feel like they have a cow that herds up the dogs as opposed to the dogs that herd up the cows in Texas. But I've heard they're also cow that herds up the dogs, as opposed to the dogs that herd up the cows in Texas. But I've heard they're also really helping to market towards Americans. What they do is they stick a bunch of dog meat on a stick, and they call it, Come and get goofy stick. Oh, she made out a goofy. A goofy stick? Oh, she made out a goofy.

You're right. You're right. And speak about friend. I'd rather a bigger stick. Speak about friend. The Zebrowskis are a different group of people that have different Christmases than us. High five up top. Yeah. All right.

They're very proud of themselves. Very proud of themselves. Okay. So it's very interesting. Dog meat tastes very similar to goat meat. I've never had goat meat. Like extremely lean beef with a little bit of its own aroma. Yes, it is very tasty.

As a goat man, Holden, are you upset when people eat goat in front of you? I just don't like people referring dog meat to goat meat. I think goat meat's on a new level.

Yeah, it's better than a dog meat. Yeah, if you worship the meat before you eat it, I don't care if you're eating my goat meat. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

But you have to lay down some tribute to that meat. Right. Light some candles. You have sex in front of the meat. Oh, wow. To show it, to let it breathe. I don't even candles. You have sex in front of the meat. Oh, wow. To show it, to let it breathe

and I don't even know Is this what you did at the dinner party that you invited us all to that none of us could make last week? Yeah, absolutely. Okay, all right. I'm glad that I didn't go.

We all wore, everyone took turns wearing the goat horns and having sex in front of the meat. Just you and Tony, your landlord? Yeah, exactly.

And then when you're done, you have a really sweaty chest, right? When you're done having sex. Then you just dip, like you just press the meat against your chest to give it the fucking beauty. See, when I have sex, I'm heavily powdered. Right. Yeah, so none of the sweat comes out. Sex in the shower? I can't.

I'll slip. Please. Yeah, that's just too disgusting. Please stop. The problem is that I do a lot of it's like when we're in the shower, my girlfriend lays on the bottom of the tub and then I tie soap to my feet like in the cartoons. I wash her and I just slide back and forth. Like stepping on her just watching.

And it plays the Amsterdam song. Oh, I love it. I love shower time. Henry, do you ever think about how just like if you could just be taking a dump and a girl could just sit down on you and you could get both done at the same time just to fucking kill it? No, that's separate. My dump's special.

I just think I'd like... It's my sex that's throw away. I just don't have a lot of time. I just want to knock them both out. Two birds, one bone. Yeah. I walked in on someone that had just taken a dump That was having sex On the toilet

I guess his girlfriend It was my boyfriend's roommate at the time I walked in the bathroom Door wasn't locked They were having sex but it smelled like dump And he had just taken a dump And she had sexily come in And she fucked him on top of the toilet

Was it still in there? It was still in the toilet Unacceptable It was still in the toilet. Unacceptable. It's like walking in on someone is embarrassing enough, but afterwards I yelled from outside. I'm like, did you just take a dump? It was disgusting.

You have to set that house on fire. They broke the toilet. They broke the toilet. Were they big people? No, very tight. Is this your... No, not currently. Isn't how I asked it.

Okay. All right, this is sort of a little bit away from this point, but it's still us doing sex. Do you think that the Harlem Globetrotters ever had orgies, and do you think that they, like, threw the girls around, like, did tricks? I mean, it's possible. I would have done anything to be in that room.

The thing is they had a big hoop over the bed. They would spin over it. They'd throw her through the hoop. She'd just land on a dick. Depending on how good she was, I suppose. It's all very well choreographed. Yeah. And they play this song.

And the generals just had to watch. I think they dressed the girls up like the generals. Look what they're doing. Look what they're doing. The generals are all just watching in a two-way mirror. It's been like, these games are getting more elaborate. God damn Harlem Globetrotters with their tricks and their spinning and their orgies. That's pretty great.

Are the Washington generals always all white? Yeah, well, the Harlem Globetrotters need to guarantee victory. So most of their opponents tend to be white. Do they actually play basketball? Yeah, they play a little bit of real basketball. Really? The generals are all like former NBA guys. No, a lot of them are just college guys.

I mean, they're all white. I mean, I don't know. You know, I make up what I say half the time. Larry Bird. He was good. He was actually good. That's all we got. We got Larry Bird, and that's it.

Bird. He was good. He was actually good. That's all we got. We got Larry Bird and that's it. The Washington Generals, even their logo is still the Globetrotters getting over on them. Black man is straight but a tiny white man. Yeah, that is their logo. It's actually got a racist towards black

people in a way. That is. That's amazing. It really does. This is what you can bullet away? That is That's amazing. It looks like prison rape. It really does. This is what you can expect when you're running around them. They're bigger than you. They're better than you.

They're going to rape you. They're going to rape the fuck out of you while they play basketball. Are you ready to be Little Spoon this entire game? All right, Marcus. Do you want to move on to another story or do you want to keep on looking at the Washington

Generals? I want to know a little bit more about the Washington Generals. Let's find some information out there. Who are the Atlantic City Seagulls? What's the Washington Generals' win record against the Harlem Coliseum? They've won six games since 1953. Not bad.

They've lost more than 13,000 games. Six and 13,000. I'm going to throw it out there for some of the listeners. I'm going to just admit that I don't know what this thing is. I know where the Harlem Globetrotters are. It's who they always played. They had to play a team and beat them every time. Oh, so it's all a fabrication.

So there's like a whole like. It's like wrestling. It's like the basketball version of Medieval Times. I had no idea. I thought the Harlem Globetrotters were just like ninnies that threw the basketball around. What do you mean? I feel like for some reason that became a racial slur. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I didn't mean. I meant because it's choreographed and it's like dance-like. It's a little controversial. I didn't mean Picaninny. I didn't mean that. Picaninny? Picaninny? What is that?

What do you even say Picaninny? Is that what you meant? Picaninny? Is that what you meant? What is Picaninny? Is that what you meant? That's what I'm saying. Picaninny isn't even a racist term, I don't think.

It looks like you stole out of the American Gothic painting. Kevin, has anyone ever called you a Picaninny? No, not until today. Actually, that is a... It is a slur. It's a slur for black children. I didn't mean it. In Jamaica, we call black kids picnic.

Oh, okay. I had no clue. Did you know that this is the original words to this song? Mammy's little nitty love shortening, shortening. I don't know if we can sing this song anymore. I didn't mean it. I didn't mean it like that.

Sweep off the floor and make up the bed because Mammy's little nitty love shortening, Brit. It's got to be a good song. I thought it was catchy. We're officially, like, now we're on a hate list. Oh, yeah. I didn't mean it. This is a racist podcast. The NSA has just gotten, they're circling the drones.

They call them pick-a-ninny because the small black children were too young to be productive pickers in the cotton field. So they're pick-a-ninny, pick-a-nothing. Oh, I see. In hindsight, that's not that bad. Yeah. I would much rather be a pick-a-ninny than somebody who has to go pick a whole bunch of things like that's not bad

being a kid let's go on pickaninny that's a shitty if you're a pickaninny you don't get to do shit you can call me whatever you want to call me I'm not working at all he's a real go-getter out in the field

he's a real pickaninny alright Marcus I feel fine with it when I mean it Oh, well, he's a real piccolati that day. Oh, he's up for the moment. Ugh. Ugh. All right, Marcus. It's like, I feel fine with it when I mean it. You know, it's like, yeah, I said it. Now I'm just embarrassed. Don't be embarrassed.

I don't think that was the least, one of the least offensive things you've ever said. Thanks. Just in this podcast. Yeah. Today. Just today. Oh, Topsy in Uncle Tom's Cab was described as a pickaninny.

Okay. It was a widely used word. I did not know. The Jamaicans also use it as just a word. Yeah, it's like, it's not insulting. I didn't pick any over there. You say it. Oh, yeah. It's not insulting?

No. No, it's just not. I mean, it's not. It's an old time word. Not out of your mouth it is, yes. Yeah. Like, if you were to say that on the street, you should be shocked. But I've got my dress on.

No, you're not. You're not Snoop Lion. You're not Jackie Lion. Oh, that would be fun though. Jackie Lion is fun. Jackie Lion, give us some advice for life and living. Yeah, man. Smoke weed every day.

That's all she says. But yeah, but that's actually, that's a Snoop Dogg lyric it's not even Snoop Dogg he's changed I know well his new music is kind of fun he sings one with his wife

and his daughter and it's kind of fun you sound like a stowaway on a boat coming to America it sounded so I hear it's fun genuine and hopeful

is there a mouse in your pocket giving you good advice alright now it's time for a segment from Paul McNeely inventions and inventors Genuine and hopeful. Is there a mouse in your pocket giving you good advice? All right, now it's time for a segment from Paul McNeely. Inventions and inventors. What a nightmare. So... Marcus is a multi-million dollar fucking patent person. What do you call it?

He has a lot of money. He has the patents. He's going to give one patent out to an inventor to make millions of dollars. I'm a patent lawyer. I'll start. I have two because the first one I feel like is going to be controversial. Not in this episode. I have invented a book

that reads itself. And what is the... Is it an audio book? Because audio books exist. It's already done. I don't know what to say. The book reads itself. It's a thing.

It's a car. It skis, but it's a car. It's a fucking car. Skis with tires on it. You don't have to read it because it reads itself. Because it reads itself. The other idea. It's an audio book.

The other idea I've invented. The other thing I've invented because I feel like you're going to throw that one out. But you didn't invent the first one. It's already invented. The other thing I've invented, because I feel like you're going to throw that one out. But you didn't invent the first one. The other thing I've invented is called doing the dishes. And essentially what it is is I get horny when I do the dishes. So it's essentially just a pocket pussy that's placed under your sink so that you can hump. You can just place a pocket pussy under your sink.

None of these are inventions. No, you can patent that. That's a new thing. It's called doing the dishes. Doing the dishes. If you want to get a doing the dishes. Pocket pussy. Then you can have that.

And honestly. Why would you ever get horny doing the dishes? Honestly. I get the opposite of horny doing the dishes. It's the clinking of the plates and the clinking of the fork. It's the clinking. That's what it is. Sometimes it's a very wet situation and I'm getting hot and bothered.

Yeah, rubbing your dick up against the thing if you have to lean over. And if you lay two plates together, it's like a cockroach's shell. It reminds Holden of his people. Yes. Okay. Okay, doing the dishes. Not bad. It's the book.

It is bad. Don't mention the book anymore. Yeah, no. The book is already done. It's just been around for 50 years. Who's next? I'll do it. It's a thing called

Easter pills. What it is is a pill that you can take that makes poo-poo taste like chocolate. So you can take that makes poo-poo taste like chocolate. So you can eat all the poo-poo that you crave. But it's still not going to give you the nutrients you need or anything to survive. I mean, you're going to die. Yeah, we'll kill you.

It just makes shit taste like chocolate. I'd say a good way to frame this invention is, let's say you are a black ops, like private military dude that's in Afghanistan. You give these to our boys out in the field, right? These Easter pills.

So that when Al-Qaeda tries to, because one of the things that they do is, I think they call it stuffing the ham. Which is they take a bunch of poo-poo and they put it in the soldier's mouth. They make them eat it. They call it let's stuff the ham. No, I don't know if that's true. And the thing is

that they can pop the pill and they'll be like, oh, Ollie, I'll be stuffed as a ham all the live long day. Thank you, Al Qaeda. I thank you for this meal. Al Qaeda?

He's got a military purpose. Yeah, I'll sell it to the private military. There's a lot of money in the military. There is a lot of money in the military. What's it called again?

Easter pills. Easter pills. Willy Wonka's, they call them on the street. Sure, sure. That's the other thing you have to consider. These are going to get onto the street somehow. I mean, they have those shit steaks in Japan or whatever it is.

That's right, they do. People do want, there's a market for it. That is true, a large one. Actually, there is quite a bit of a market for this. I've got a sleeper thing here. Let me ask you, can you do different types of a market for this. I've got a sleeper thing here. Let me ask you. Can you do different types of chocolate? Can you do dark chocolate?

Can you do white chocolate? I mean, the problem is white chocolate has got to be old poo-poo. You know that old, weird, white bird poo-poo? Right, right. That's what that has to be. Or old dog poo-poo. You ever leave the dog poo-poo out too long? It gets white. But doesn't the pill just make everything taste like chocolate?

Do you have to eat poo-poo? Or would a steak also taste like chocolate? That is an interesting loophole. Mark, because he didn't think it through. I mean,

the pill just makes everything taste like chocolate. I think you just want a reason to eat poo-poo. Theoretically, it would be easier to make some bread. Yeah.

Bread tastes like chocolate. Yeah. Like, that would be easier to make some bread yeah bread tastes like chocolate yeah like that would be really good all the way to shit yeah you frame it with marketing

right yeah I assumed that it would make the poo poo taste like chocolate no matter what no matter who ate it

like say I poo poo and feed you my poo poo my poo poo is going to taste like I thought it was going to make your own poo poo taste like chocolate yeah matter what. No matter who ate it. Like, say I poo-poo and feed you my poo-poo, my poo-poo's going to taste like chocolate always. I thought it was going to make your own poo-poo taste like chocolate. Yeah, it does make your own poo-poo. They all eat the poo-poo pill. You're not the one eating the poo-poo pill. That's not going to fight about Al-Qaeda.

You're not the one that's poo-pooing the poo-poo that's going to put in your poo-poo mouth. Yeah, it's not going to be Al-Qaeda. I'm not sure if it's going to work. I'm just going to say that right now. I'm not sure if it's going to work. I'm just going to say that right now. I don't know if it's going to work. You should call these pills loophole. There are so many problems. It's a lot.

Okay, there's a lot of problems with it, but it shows some promise. No, it does not. No, it doesn't. No, it does not. It really does. Among the Japanese. And stuff in the ham. I mean, stuff in the ham is not going to happen.

Soldiers don't look like you, Edwin. All I have to say is mine involves cumming. His involves eating shit. Which could also involve cumming eventually. I guess, man. Yeah, I suppose so. Because it's a sexual thing, of course. Yeah, of course.

All right. Who's next? I have nothing. I it's a sexual thing, of course. Yeah, of course. All right. Who's next? I have, I got nothing. I really have nothing on this one. I really, I don't know what to, I just want to do something about pee-pee now, but I feel like that's just because I'm being,

you know, I don't know. How about a girlfriend for Ben? Is that a good invention? Oh, God, just dead in the face. A robot woman. How about a fucking zap gun that gets rid of my fattest friends? All right, zap gun that gets rid of your fattest friends. No, no. That is it.

No, Jackie. That is fine. What is the name? What are you calling it? The name is called the Hen eradicator. No. It's the gun I'm going to use to eradicate Henry Zebrowski. Essentially, it's just a gun that's going to eliminate.

It's really just a gun. It's to eliminate. It's really just a gun. It's a gun. It's all it is. It's a gun. It's a gun. You can shoot Henry with any gun. We don't have to put this in a production and pass it by. You can't achieve nothing, and this is why no one loves you.

What happened? What happened? I'm telling you, man. Oh, I love the email correspondences I had with Mara when she was in Cambodia. It really made me feel like I want to invent a technology that makes me able to just have conversations with ex-girlfriends, even when they're in other lands. So, Marcus, what do you give the jungle of ideas? It's a gun that kills Henry.

But it's mine. It'll be like purple. And it'll look like a pizza. It's going to be BK. I mean, I'm a multimillionaire. I'll just buy you a fucking gun. Thank you. You're welcome.

That's nice. Sorry, Henry. How will I see Easter pills through to the end? Up to Steve Jobs and the loophole pills. I'm sorry, but he needs this. Much more than you need Easter pills. Yes. No, all the women love me.

Much more than you need Easter pills. Yes. No, all the women love me. If I told the truth about how many women I've had, people would think I was quite the vixen. Right? The palpable silence. I love the kegerator that we now have in the room,

just the sound of it, how it fills the silence. Yes, yes. All right, Kevin or Jackie, you can't invent anything involving poo-poo or killing Henry. It's called the Slip and Slide Extreme. It's a body condom. You can put it on your entire body so you can

get into whatever kind of muck you want to get into. What kind of muck do you want to get into? Like a poncho. We're all inventing things that already exist. Yeah. We cannot go with a single original idea. This one's tight.

So this one's like tight poncho. It's a potty condom. You can buy these already. No, they don't have those. A leather body condom? No, not leather. Latex. You can buy latex.

Sheepskin. Sheepskin. In case you're allergic to latex. She's a big stinky skin flap that you crawl into. Yeah, you're welcome. Alright. I have a couple questions on this invention. Can you sleep the night in it?

Yeah. Okay. Are there air holes? Yeah, a little bit, but not too big. Like big enough. You're off-roading here. Around your mouth. You didn't plan this far. You can't have holes in your mouth.

You can get all the muck inside your mouth. Oh, I see. Do they come in different colors, different sizes? No, no, no. It's only in sheep color. Who are we marketing this to? Who has so many muck knees? Oil tycoons.

Yeah, Playboy billionaires. People have too much money. They don't know what to do with them. And that's why, how much are the condoms? A million dollars. That priced herself out. know what to do with them. And that's why, how much are the condoms? A million dollars. She priced herself out. A million dollars because you're going to go to an old woman

that she's going to measure you for your own specific body punch. It's made to order. Okay, very interesting. What nationality is the old woman? Yugoslavian. So you're welcome. I broke all the racial stereotypes that you thought to order. Okay, very interesting. What nationality is the old woman? Yugoslavian. Oh, so she's very good.

So, you're welcome. I broke all the racial stereotypes that you thought I was going to use. I figured you were going to go gypsy. Well, I thought Greek. I'm just going to say this because I'm interested in this idea and I think it could work, but I say if you're going to start selling these things for a million dollars, you throw in like a big bucket of muck with each... Oh yeah, you get a whole field

of muck and women to cheer you on. Okay. While you're diving bucket of muck with each... Oh yeah, you get a whole field of muck and women to cheer you on. Okay. You're diving in said muck. I feel like Holden's leading the witness a little bit here. I think that your witness is alone. Ben, I'm going to say I'm sorry for Jackie. What? That was mean.

That was below the belt. Yeah, there's nothing there. Am I right? Kevin, there's nothing there. Am I right? Kevin, let's move on to you. God, what is happening? So far, if you basically just utter a sentence that makes sense, you win. And it doesn't have to be an invention. It could literally just be like, what did you eat for lunch?

Just tell us that, and you win. My shit is going to change the world. It's called bird suit. Now, this that and you win. My shit is going to change the world. It's called bird suit. This is a suit made entirely out of live birds. What you do with this suit,

what's so beautiful about this suit is you walk around the streets, people are like, oh, that nigga's kind of clean. He got this bird suit on. The thing that's also so dope about this bird suit is you have these birds they pick the bugs off of you well i'm also thinking there's enough if there's if there's enough live birds attached to the suit couldn't you also sort of levitate away no no that No, no, that's the thing. That's the thing.

That's what people think at first. No. But you spread your arms out, you get a little flutter. And then you can use the birds to shit on strangers. That sends a message. The bird code. Not if they're taking his Easter pills. Absolutely. Then that's the day made in heaven for me.

What kind of birds are they? All types of birds. Mostly the ones that love eating bugs. But the beautiful thing about it is if you're in a situation where you feel like you want to get out quick, you can detach the birds. A flutter of birds is in people's face. You step back, they got a bird cloud. Disappear.

Like in Bioshock Infinite, a murder of crows. Batman does it, but we're doing this with birds. They can do that shit in the daytime. I would like to buy your birds. Let me ask you this. What kind of life have you been living lately when bugs are foremost on your mind? Listen, man, don't ask me questions I don't feel comfortable asking.

That's a good point. That's a good point, Marcus. Out of line. That is all right. All right, that is out of line. I understand. I apologize. So you're the one with all the money in this scenario in reality.

You're also the one with most of the money. Doing the dishes. Do not forget. It was the first idea, but doing the dishes. I know. I know doing the dishes. Your first idea was an audio book. No, no, no.

It's a book that reads itself. You don't listen to it reading itself. It reads itself. Uh-huh. So it's like book that reads itself. You don't listen to it reading itself. It reads itself. Uh-huh. So it's like a weird Buddhist cone. I still think that I should just win with just killing Henry. That's mean. I mean, that's just mean.

Yeah, it's a mean. This show is a positive show. I'm so sorry. It's all positive. Uh-huh. Yeah, all of it. And I think the most positive idea out of all of them. Mock.

Mock. Easter pills. Easter pills. What the What are you talking about? I take the goddamn bird jacket over that. I'm the founder of products of Japanese people. Yeah, exactly. I've got a vision

right now that we can take this all the way. Al Qaeda's dead. Don't you remember? No, we'll never beat them. All right. Kevin Barnett. I am Ben Kissel. Al Qaeda's dead. Don't you remember? No, we'll never beat them. All right. That's Edwin Zabrowski, Elder Manili,

Kevin Barnett, I am Ben Kissel, Marcus. Great job with the news today, buddy. Congratulations, Henry. Pulling it down. Yeah, you're a big winner today. Major winner.

God damn it. Wonderful. Hail Satan. Hail Satan, everybody. Thank you. Remember how awkward that pick-and-inny conversation was? Yeah, now I do. You want me to Satan, everybody. Thank you. Remember how awkward that pick and any conversation was? Yeah, now I do. You want me to sing the song again?

No, definitely not.