The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 152:` Gay Karate Man

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: Seattle police want to talk to a man who left a pig wearing sweatpants in an unventilated car, a woman douses her fellow bus passengers with gasoline and threatens to light a match, and special guest Mister Pastrami regales us with many wonderful tales from his time as a strip club owner. Also joining us today: Mark Normand and Megan Boone!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, we're good to go. Oh yeah, we're good to go. Let's get a prayer going then. Alright, everyone take your hats off. I don't have one on there. In the name of the Father, and the Son,

and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Dear white God. Well, it's just nice to know we're praying to the actual God. More racist than I was last week? Is that your goal?

I mean, no, no, no. I didn't hear what you did last week. It was racist? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. White God said he appreciates it. I love it right when Kevin's gone. All right, now we can pray to the real God. But anyway, dear white God, keep it white.

Love you, I miss you. I'll see you soon when you know. It's coming. I can't believe I'm doing this show. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, amen, white God. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Beautiful prayer, Ed. Very nice.

Very nice prayer. All right, well, who is everybody around this round table that's not actually a round table whatsoever? Jackie Zabrowski. I'm white, too. That's good. That's good. Ed Larson. Big old W.

Oh. Big W. Hold it, McNeely. Jackie, I saw Reincarnated, and I'm going to go ahead and say Ja. Thank you. Absolutely. I think we're allowed to. Once you see the movie, then you are Rastafari

smoke weed every day I am Jamaican thank you I am absolutely not Megan Boone I'm anyone but Megan Boone Megan Boone is not sitting in for Kevin Barnett

right now and I'll tell you one thing Megan Boone is completely in love with me alright of course we have Mark Norman here as well. Mark, it's been so long.

Thank you so much for coming into the Chuggle Hut. Thank you. Great to be back. Great digs, fellas. Look at this. New studio. New studio. High roof, wide walls, man.

Just like my mother. Hey! Hello! She's got a short roof. Yeah, I don't understand that. Wide walls, you know, like me, biggest baby born in Florida, come out of a vagina. Right. Big roof. Mark will be in Montreal on July 28th, so check him out over there at that. White walls, you know, like me, biggest baby born in Florida coming out of a vagina. Right. Big roof.

Mark will be in Montreal on July 28th, so check him out over there at that Just for Laughs festival. It's all giggles all the time. And then,

of course, we have Ed's friend and Ed only names, nicknames his friends after things he loves, so we've decided to go with Mr. Pastrami.

Mr. Pastrami. Thanks for being here, Mr. Pastrami. It's good to be here. I'm the color of Pastrami. We're all going to designate ourselves certain different races. I'm the Pastrami race for this evening. Fantastic. How was the trip over here?

You stink up the bus. Oh, it was hellish. It was hellish. They turned the air off. A lot of people complaining. The guy pulls over the bus halfway through, gives a glare to the loudest, blackest woman on this bus, and just opens the safety roofs.

And that was it. What the hell do you mean? No response. Just a threatening half open of the safety roof and refuses to turn the air conditioning on. Like he was going to toss her out the top of the bus. The only way she was going to get out was up the top either that or she did she get it she she kept quiet after that it used to be bus driver bus driver it's not cool enough bus driver and

then he just pulled that son of a bitch over walked halfway back propped open the two the emergency escapes and just kept driving. The wonderful married couple. That's great. Of course, I'm Ben Kissel. With us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first news story of the day? Seattle police want to know why a man dressed his pet pig in sweatpants and had to lose weight.

I mean, come on. You mean Henry got sweatpants? Yeah. And then left it in a sweltering car while he drank at a bar Saturday night. Oh. It's possible he was trying to have the pig lose some weight. It's not that hot in Seattle.

No. You were just there. Yeah, yeah, it wasn't hot. Yeah. Officers discovered a lethargic pot-bellied pig along with a... I mean, it's a pot-bellied pig. In sweatpants. I mean, it was fucking adorable.

Yeah. That's the thing. Yeah, along with a small panting dog inside the man's filthy car. Oh, you can't have a dog in a car. That part was great.

What kind of pants was the dog wearing? Who's leaving a dog? This guy should be shot in the head leaving a dog in a car. And how long till the dog...

With a pig, no less. They were friends. It's romantic. That sounds like a shitty Pixar film. Exactly. Dog and a pig in the back of a car the entire goddamn time. They're getting rescued, but they just rescued the dog, but they're friends.

They're all sad when they're being taken care of. It's like, all right, everyone, let's go eat that pig. Yeah, presents with a big barbecue. It's pretty great. Melissa McCarthy is killing the whole movie. It'd be fun to break into that guy's car and just put a ham. And so he comes back. Oh, that'd be great.

And a box of beef with broccoli. I think I should just make these sounds all night. Yeah, that's right. Megan Boone getting very drunk. I love it. Oh, I am not Megan Boone. Oh, I'm sorry. We'll call you Mrs. Pastrami.

He wishes. Pastrami fly solo. I'm owned by nobody. Mr. Pastrami, you used to run a strip club. Would you ever allow a stripper to wear sweatpants on stage? Oh, no. No, it's illegal. As well as outside shoes.

That's also illegal on stage. Even if it was a pig? What kind of strip club was this, Mr. Pastrami? I've had a couple. We've had all sorts. Yeah, what was the biggest gale you ever had dancing on your stage? We've had a big one once or twice. I never really did the hiring because it's embarrassing.

It's actually a really embarrassing thing to tell somebody to get butt naked, judge them for like one or two minutes, and then just be dismissive. It's actually hard to do. How'd the fat ones get on stage then? I just let a really gross manager do the hiring. That's good. And how big was the gale poundage-wise? Okay, poundage is nuts.

We've had over 200, 250 pounder. It's the height. It's the scary part. You throw on six-inch shoes, and then you have a 6'6 chick with whatever hairdo. Wow. And the ceilings weren't as high as Eddie's mother's vagina. Oh, wow. So it's possible.

So they're just like 20 feet, 25 feet? It's possible to hit your head. That's great. Did she fall over? Did she have any incidents with the stripper pole? Just like 20 feet, 25 feet? It's possible to hit your head. That's great. Did she fall over? Did she have any incidents with the stripper pole? Did the stage cry and weep? Were people happy to see her or what?

No, nobody was pleased about it. And then eventually she gets sour and then it can turn the whole night. So you've got to keep the fat stripper happy. Because they're already negative and complaining. So we just get a deli tray? Is she Godzilla through the main floor to step it on tables? I can get her a pig in sweatpants if she wants to eat that. Typically, they don't last the night. Really?

Yeah, they could storm out. If it's not for them and they're not making any money, they're not going to do anybody any favors. There's got to be a large woman strip club though. Definitely. Have you ever been to Florida before? They're called strip clubs. I think it's called Pure Platinum, Solid Gold. I've been to

a bad, kind of a real cheap run down strip club with some odd characters. No big ladies there, but just very... I let a woman give me a lap dance because I felt bad for her. Oh, you allowed a woman? I'm sure she was thrilled. Oh, you didn't pay her?

She paid you? No, I paid her. Yeah, exactly. No, I paid her, but she was like, had teeth missing. I'm looking to get with the bumpiest boy at the bar tonight. I was very good in college. I had to take I-10 north to Tallahassee for three hours and then south to my hometown for three hours,

and I never stopped at a strip club. Cafe risque. There are about 50, and I never stopped at one. That's the thing in Wisconsin. It's all strip clubs and cheese chalets. I mean, you can't imagine how stinky those places are. Fact. I am on the ultimate strip club list dot net.

That's right. And someone asked the question, where do the BBWs strip? Sure, the big, beautiful women. Yeah, and Kappa Girl answered, there's a club here in Wisconsin that hires all types, BBWs included. Of course it's in Wisconsin. Of course. All types.

That means anyone who comes. Yeah. I'm a skinny girl and ended up leaving there because all the bigger girls were the ones making all the money. Wow. See? Because they know how to work for it. That's why fat women are better in bed.

Because they have to wow them somehow. Oh, and also Club Rolex in Detroit. Club Rolex. Club Rolex. Oh, that's great. Rolex with two X's. Oh, of course. There should be three.

What's wrong with them? I always love to go to Club Casio. In Houston, the big gals can be found at Club Onyx, also at High Rollers and Harlem Nights. Do you think it's called Club Rolex because of the rolls? It could be. Is that a play on words? It's a double X.

It's also the size of their pants and their shirt. Double X. We've talked about the only strip club in our hometown is called Personalities, right? And it really is. It's a bunch of fat girls. It's going to be correct for a strip club in our hometown is called Personalities, right? And it really is. It's a bunch of fat girls. It's an ugly girl. Strip club?

Yeah. Might as well just call it, oh, she's a good wife. That's great. Norman, do you go to a lot of strip clubs? I know you travel quite often as a comedian. I mean, you get a little bit lonely on the road. Want to see some butts, some breasts? Yeah, yeah.

What places did you pop into? I went to a strip club in Menominee, Wisconsin. I went to school in Menominee, Wisconsin. Get the hell out of there. UW Stout, I had a breakdown in that strip club. Terrible. It's the worst. It's the worst strip club of all time.

I was with my friend Dave, Dave Kaler, who has been on the round table a couple of times. He designed all of our graphics. And I'll tell you, I'm in the corner. I'm just bawling my eyes out. And the strippers are all just like, you okay, honey? And I'm like, I am not okay. It's all pregnant black women.

Why were you so sad? We were just getting off a large band and we were doing a lot of drugs. And on the way over, we took this van. And the van stops at the goddamn county jail to pick up people who just got out of jail. And apparently they had called, I guess. They knew when they were getting out. And so we went with a bunch of convicts to go to this strip club, and the women there were all C-section scars, a lot of mullets with the guys, and it was a very sad, depressed

scene. C-section scarred strippers? Oh, my God. Yeah. All over the place. Oh, yeah. Anyway. I think my first eight strippers had a C-section scar.

Oh, yeah. I mean, he kept on getting them pregnant. I saw a stripper at the Yellow Rose in Lubbock, Texas, at a C-section. Oh, yeah. I mean, he kept on getting them pregnant. I saw a stripper at the Yellow Rose in Lubbock, Texas, at least six months pregnant. Oh, yeah. She was going for it. What's worse, a pregnant one or a C-section one? Pregnant's worse.

Pregnant's worse? Pregnant's always worse. It's the saddest. No, pregnant. Here's money. Go home. I'm sorry. If we're judging on sadness or grossness, what are we going here?

Sadness, right? Pregnant women wins both. Gross too? Gross, yeah. Because she's another human inside of her. I'd like to kiss her belly. It's an alien. What is that wrong?

I don't know. I mean, we all know about it. So if a female stripper comes on the stage, she's eight months pregnant, and you're just going to kiss her belly and double tip her? I'm going to cry. All right. Well, that's what happened to me. Cry with joy, though.

Yeah. It's a different kind of tear. With the lap dance, though, it's more bang for your buck, really. Exactly. Yeah, double lap dance. Yeah. Double lap dance.

So what was it? She gets her belly on you, like up on your face and stuff, and that belly starts kicking and stuff. Yeah. We're talking fucking triple bone town, brother. Triple bone town. There's a market for that.

I don't know what that means. I don't know. Megan Boone is here with us, though. Triple bone Town. There's a market for that. I don't know what that means. I don't know. Megan Boone is here with us, though. Triple Bone Town. Megan Boone is here. No, she's not. No, she's not. World famous actress and beautiful woman who's in love with me.

No, she's not. All right, Norman. So what was your experience like in Menominee? That is the worst town I've ever been to. It is, right? It's horrific. I don't know how you did it. I got very drunk.

I went to the casino. I did a gig there. Oh, okay. Worst gig I've ever been to. It is, right? It's horrific. I don't know how you did it. I got very drunk. I went to the casino. I did a gig there. Oh, okay. Worst gig I've ever done in my life. Literally doing stand-up on the casino floor next to slot machines. Oh, really? Walking by me like, where are the craps tables? And I'm like, I'm in the middle of a bit.

Right. Were you louder than the sound effects of those machines? You could hear the Wheel of Fortune machine and all that shit. Did anybody get jackpot perfectly with the punchline? No, no, no. Nothing worked out? No magic at all? No magic.

Nothing. It was brutal. That's when you just leave. How long did you do? Didn't you have to do an hour and a half? How'd you know? We talked about it before you went. Oh, right.

You had to do 90 minutes on a casino floor? No host, no middle, just me. Just walking up. Here's the mic. Hey, everybody. And, you know, just a lot of disgruntled white trash. Old Hollywood, huh? Yeah, okay.

Who booked it, and why did they think that was a good idea? I mean, that's the question. I looked at their list. They've had a million comics come through there. Wow. Right. The money was amazing, though, which is ironic. Why would they do that, though?

It's clearly ineffective. Because if you bomb, they're like, you just suck. You're like, no one's listening to me. Then the casino, it's so loud. But you got, they're like, you just suck. No one's listening to me. Then the casino is so loud. You got enough money to go to the strip club. He had a whole Louis C.K. episode about that. Then he makes out with Joan Rivers. Did you see that one?

He had a stage with an audience. I was literally on the floor. The point was it sucks to do comedy in a casino. I would have killed for even like... A spotlight would have been nice. Anything. A stepladder. Well, yeah, yeah. But I would have killed for even like, I would have done it in the bathroom. A spotlight would have been nice. Yeah, anything. A step ladder. A step ladder.

Give me a phone book. Anything. So I mean, really, in this situation, so you do a comedy show on the floor of a casino outside of some slot machines. Everybody hates you. Everyone's laughing at you and not with you. And then you go to a strip club. You're watching gals get naked.

Some C-section scars there. Yeah, horrible. The strippers, I mean, but they're living better than you. Yeah, they were. They were. I did, actually. I got a lot of, hey, you're watching gals get naked, some C-section scars there. Yeah, horrible. The strippers, I mean, but they're living better than you. Yeah, they were. They were. I did, actually. I got a lot of, hey, you sucked. You heckled them. You heckled the stripper? No, no, that was their saying to me. Oh, yeah.

Has anyone ever heckled a stripper? Mr. Pastrami, has anyone ever gotten so rowdy at a strip club that you had to get rid of them because they were calling strippers? Of course. It's a nasty environment. It can get combative. Yeah. Any gunshots or anything like that?

Knives pulled? Especially everybody's hard and they're all sitting next to each other. And everyone's drinking. Right. And strippers are sensitive. That's gross. Yeah. Strippers are sensitive?

Strippers are the most sensitive people I've encountered as a group. Yeah. Interesting. Very, very sensitive. They take it personal. Everything they take personal. When you don't look at them. Obviously, when you don't tip them,

that's more than personal. Oh, yeah. That's business. Yeah, they hate it. They hate it if you're not paying attention. They hate it if you're there just to drink. Are they there because they need attention? Some of them.

That has something to do with it. It's just like comedy. They all have a story. It's interesting. Yeah, what's one of the better stories that you heard a stripper tell you? Gosh. Oh, man, you hear everything. You hear everything on a nightly basis.

My favorite was Sunshine. Ooh, was she a nice personality? I thought she had a great personality. She was on her fourth kid, told me that she was three and a half months pregnant after she'd been working there for a month, which upset me. Yeah, was missing half her teeth. We were packed on a Friday night. Now, without her smiling, she had a really nice body.

Without her smiling, she had a really nice body. She had a butter face. It was just the blackened teeth that she kept saying was some sort of pregnancy. No, that was a mess. All of our mothers have teeth. But she kept blaming it was some sort of pregnancy. No, that was a mess. All of our mothers have teeth. But she kept blaming it on a side effect of a bacteria when you give birth.

Anyways, I storm up to the third floor dressing room. Place is packed. We need somebody on stage and sunshine with a cigarette half in her mouth. Just had told me she's three and a half months pregnant. And I'm running upstairs ready to just holler at somebody to come down and sunshine's there cigarette hanging out of her mouth and I just lay and I'm like and I gotta and she reaches down with a baby wipe

half does a semi squat and just wipes her vagina throws it into the garbage can dismisses of whatever I'm saying and gets right back to cussing me out that's great the worst part is none of this was crazy to me.

It was like totally normal that I just watched this three and a half months away. Should it be called a dressing room for strippers by the way? An undressing room. Yeah, more of an undressing room. Now wait, what part of the Hamptons is this strip club in? The part with baby wipes. I knew that shit

was getting really fucked up for me when that was like common. And I was like, I can't do this anymore. Can you give the name of the strip club? And how is the set?

Yeah. What was it called? It's called the Big Easy Cabaret. It used to be called Chubbies. Oh. I wanted to keep Chubbies, but it actually

had a reputation for, what did you call them, BBWs? Yeah, maybe it was a layover with the fat girls you did have working there. They were previous Chubby's dancers. I had to rename it, although I would have loved to keep it Chubby's. Isn't it weird? A strip club with a bunch of beautiful women.

Let me ask you this. How was the jazz? Was anyone just there for the jazz music? You've got gotta see this website So I literally called it a burlesque and jazz lounge It was a full on dirty whorehouse Right But you can't get permission

Also a good name Full on dirty whorehouse You can't get permission We gotta go on the road We always go to the full on dirty whorehouse Full on is perfect It's like full blown AIDS They've got it and you will too Full-on dirty or else full-on

They've got it and you will do calling it the Ben Kissel drinks for free bar Like to think of a stripper gives the age you get to drink for free at the venue and you had free valet free valet I gave out those free little pretzels with the peanut butter in them. Oh, yeah. Did you have special shows there and stuff? Yeah, I used to do burlesque shows. One night we had a comedy night. Nobody showed up.

No one was there for the comedy night. I thought it was awesome. It's tough to compete. The only thing that people liked was Naked Woman. I just tried to reinvent the wheel, make it like Circus Olay. We had topless tarot card reading. I like that. We had the aerialists. I had a hula hooper.

At least you tried. I tried. I'm impressed. It was everything I wanted, but it didn't work. Did you ever have a gal named Stoya in there? Stoya? No. Stoya. Oh, she's a great porn star who does some amazing aerial. Russian? I don't know. She's nice. She's very nice. Yeah, we met her at the porn awards. Yeah, she's very nice. Yeah, but wait,

you met her at the porn awards, right? Yeah, we met her at the porn awards. She's big top. She's like big time. Oh, she's huge. Yeah, she's big time. No, she was very nice. Yes.

Big in the top? Sure. No, she's actually very... She's tiny in the top. And you watch her? Yeah, she's great. I like small breasts now. So let me ask you this.

I'm reading the copy. Did the Big Easy really have a regal atmosphere? Regal? Oh, yes. It was stepping on the peanut shell. We're going to put Bat Hog on stage. I couldn't help but believe how regal this place is. Was it like Medieval Times but a strip club?

I'd say we go to a Yelp review. Yeah. Please. I got to know the truth because you're going to be impressed with the reviews. Actually, you're not going to get anything there. It's actually people enjoyed the place. Yeah. Yeah, they really had a lot of positive feedback, but it was just like you and I.

Anybody else with money wouldn't go there. Right. Here's a four-star review. Okay. Oh, wow. As the previous post states, this place is very clean. One of the few clubs I'm not afraid to touch things.

I don't think you should call girls things. I don't think you should call the girls things. As a chef, I appreciate it. You can thank the baby wipes for that one. I mean, all the baby wipes smelled like pussy, but it was fine. You knew it was hygienic. Baby wipes are not cheap.

You better use the other side of that thing. Don't flush. Well done. Well done. I think so. It continues. I've only seen one fat girl, but she brought cupcakes. You can't go wrong with cupcakes.

I want to go there. See, what a regal club. That is a regal environment. It was like your neighborhood friendly strip club, if I can give it a little credit. But it just, that's not profitable. People want something else. Is this true? The guy says they do have a cover charge unless you tell them no, in which case they'll probably let you in anyway.

I never. And anybody was like, that's too much. I was like, fuck it. Come in. I never. Anybody who said anything about it could just come in. After a while, the word got around. You never had to pay.

And I think that lasted for like three months. But it was cool. Well, Marcus, let's put this episode up on that Yelp site. Let them know how amazingly nice the owner was. Yeah, it says the girls were friendly, energetic, and for the most part, semi-attractive. Hey! For the most part, semi-attractive.

Wouldn't it be funny if all these reviews were written by H. Zebrowski? Henry Zebrowski? No, Henry would have just complained. They were just naked up there. The ice cream was old I don't like it I was there for the jazz

There was no jazz Whoa, whoa, whoa Another guy says Among the cons He said parking can be troublesome That's why there's a free valet But the owner told him He could park at Burger King

There we go Mr. Pastrami But the owner told him he could park at Burger King. There we go. Mr. Pastrami. You can park at Burger King. You're famous. You're a celeb. That wasn't free, that Burger King lot. I had to cough up like $400 a month for that.

Really? Wow. That's amazing. And I never charged for the valet. Man. Where was this? That's why it wasn't profitable. Yeah. That's amazing. And I never charged for the valet. Man. Yeah. Where was this? That's why it wasn't profitable. Yeah.

I'm like the worst person to fucking run a strip club. I was like, don't pay for it. Have a nice time. You let people in for free and you paid for their parking. That's not a business. That's a good point. Probably paid for the wet wipes, too. I did.

I was a bitch about it, too. I always reminded everybody how expensive they were. Jackie, what do you think? Is a lady a wet wipe? That's the wipe of choice, right? That's what you want to use on your old thing there? What other kind of fucking wipe is there? Like an alcoholic pen?

Toilet paper. There's a cheapie. Oh, I don't know. I don't use a wet wipe on my pussy. You don't? No, I'm not a fucking baby. What are you, more of a shammy gal? Yeah, I got a sham wow. She wrings it out in the sink.

Look how absorbent it is. I don't waste. It's like the cloth diapers, you know? Right, right, right. Alright, well let's jump over to another story. You don't want to keep talking about Jackie's diapers? We'll continue. Megan, everything is fine.

Don't worry about it. We'll go back to the strip club and a whole bunch of different things. All right. Anyway, so we had a pig and a dog, and they're both alive in the back of a car. They're fine. The cops gave them some water. Everything's cool. Okay, good.

Great. All right, next up, a Florida man who said he used his powers of invisibility to steal a pack of cigarettes returned to the scene of the crime to confess. This is in Fort Pierce. Oh, Fort Pierce. They're right next to each other. Yeah. The confession was made when the man entered the Walgreens on Orange Avenue on June 19th

and told the cashier about taking the cigarettes four or five months earlier. He asked the cashier not to call the police and started walking through the store, but the cashier called the cops anyway. When officers arrived... What a dickhead cashier. Horrible cashier. Well, this guy's also a dickhead. He's coming in bragging how he stole shit.

No, he was confessing how he stole something. Yeah, yeah. I ain't used bragging. I don't know. Talking about how he uses invisibility and shit. Well, that's true. This guy's a fucking hard-on. When the officers arrived,

the man told them he wasn't able to sleep the previous night and said he wanted to come to the store when it opened in the morning. The man explained that he had been on, quote, street drugs at the time of the theft that gave him the ability to become invisible. See, I like forest drugs myself. Yeah, definitely. Yeah, beaver tails. Smoking that beaver tail.

The man used his powers of invisibility to pass through the counter and take a carton of cool brand menthol cigarettes undetected. Menthol? As far as... Well, the Asians love their menthol. So as far as we know, he was invisible, right? I mean, when they tried to look for surveillance video, none was found. Isn't that interesting? So did you fucking do it?

You don't think he did it? Of course he didn't do it. He's just a crazy guy claiming he's invisible. What do you mean? Jackie, what would you steal if you're invisible, Jackie? I would at least fuck with the clerk. If you're invisible, I would just

braid your hair or something. That would be nice. If I were invisible, I would just watch things I her hair or something. Oh, that would be nice. I wouldn't take anything. If I were invisible, I would just watch things I wasn't supposed to. Yeah, that's the thing. Yeah, like R-rated movies. Go places and witness things. Like stand on top of the toilet? Maybe.

Like on the back of the toilet? What would you do with all your... That'd get old after three pisses, but... Oh, yeah, that's true. I thought you meant bad movies. I thought you were like, I'm going to go see The Impostor. Has any lady ever set up a pee-pee cam at a urinal? Never. I feel like were like, I'm going to go see The Impostor. Has any lady ever set up a pee-pee cam

at like a urinal? Never. I feel like it's strictly a dude thing. It's a dude thing. I mean, as a lady, Megan. Yes. Megan Boone,

who is in love with me. Would you ever want to set up a camera and just watch a bunch of dudes piss? Why not? No. No, I would not.

Okay, for the record. Who wants to watch pee-pee? There must be a woman out there that doesn't. Oh, you want to do it for science reasons. No, I would not. Okay, for the record. Who wants to watch pee-pee? There must be a woman out there that does it. Oh, you want to do it for science reasons. Yeah, for science. I want to see people dance to music in the room. That's what you want to watch? I do that every day.

Yeah, right? I want to see that. I've done it. One time I did it. It was last Thanksgiving. I did it for three hours straight. Jesus. That was the night I discovered SoundCloud.

SoundCloud? It's like a Spotify type thing. Oh, all right. Yeah. I'd also want to see everybody I know check in with their parents. I would love to watch you check in with your mommy. Oh, Ed watched me do it the other day.

Yeah, it was so weird watching Holden talk to his mother completely different than when I talked to my mother. Oh, yeah? God, you should see it in person. Really? Yeah, me and Jackie saw it when we went on the mountain trip. Because we get there, and she's got all this food already made for us, and she's got the cabin already. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah, all the notes on everything of how we take the garbage out. She's a very sweet woman. Oh, yeah. She's wonderful. Really? She's an attentive mother. Yes.

Absolutely. And then the whole time, Holden's just looking at her with tiger eyes. It's very weird and sexual attention. And then finally, you guys let me go into my room and make my rubs after she left. Thank you so much.

What makes me happy about rubby time, I wish everybody could get invisible and see that. Because, you know, when I fucking burn the sprinkler, as they call it. Hold it, hold it. I would only, if I were invisible, I would only want to watch really mundane situations, like everyday mundane

interactions between people. Just paying bills. That they think are private, but they're not because I'm invisible. Exactly. That's true. Because you get their vulnerability that way. Yeah, I love to watch someone who thinks that no one's watching.

But also at the same time, every time during while they're doing that, I want to give them a little like, and their butthole and they'll be like, ah! And they'll just like jump out the window. Why does it gotta go there? We were talking about privacy and intimate moments. This is so funny to see somebody react to like an intimate moment.

Is that what you do, Mark, as well? Just twiddle some nuts? I twiddle the nuts, you know, non-invisible. This is so funny to see somebody react to like a person except for Mr. Pastrami in this room has had their nuts twiddled or their butt swiped by Mark Norman. Sadly, I don't think I ever have. You haven't? Watch out, Strami. It gets intense. You just don't feel like you have. You haven't? Watch out, Stromy. It gets intense. You just don't feel like you've come back there.

Oh, yeah. I just love it too much. I don't want to tell you that I felt it, so you do it again. Yeah, I got hemorrhoids, so be careful. I can help with that. That's the thing. You do grope a little bit. You kiss a little bit, Norman.

Has anyone ever gotten super upset with you? Oh, boy. What happened? Fun story. I was at UCB once, and Hannibal's about to go up, and I've had a couple pops. Hannibal Burris, great stand-up comedian. And I'm like, oh, me and Hannibal, we're buddies now.

We've come a long way. So the host goes, Hannibal Burris. And he's walking up, and I went, all the way up the old poop chute. You did the credit card swipe on his ass. Yeah. A reverse ninja swipe. Yes. And he turned around Gave up on the show

He turned around and he grabs me and he goes What the fuck was that? And I was like, ah, joking, comedians, we're friends You ever do that to me again, I'll fucking kill you Oh, Jesus Christ Alright, have a good set How many times have you done it to him since? Just twice And did he have a good set How many times Have you done it to him since Just twice

And did he have a good set He killed Of course He was walking funny Up to the stage But he killed The black guys Don't care for the

Fun loving They don't They're a little bit more sensitive To the Kind of a homosexual touch Spanish guys are into it Yeah they love it They yank it enough Es Eskimos, big fan.

Working in kitchens, it's all about like fucking each other and all that. They love that stuff. Is the sexual tension backstage in those dressing rooms at the strip club? That must be pretty intense. Probably a lot of lesbian strippers, right, Mr. Pastrami? Yeah. A lot of strippers are lesbians. Is that right?

Yeah, because that's why they're comfortable doing it, because they don't even register that it's attractive to men. Right, right. What? You think they're dumb enough not to register that what they're doing as a stripper is attractive to men? I mean, a little bit, but they don't really have the... That's the reason they make money. But they're not attracted to men, so they don't give a shit.

Yeah. You know, which makes it a lot easier. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Did you ever see some ladies eating each other out back there? I never saw anything like that. I imagine the least sexy place is when you get off stage at a strip club. That's where, like, everywhere else you have to be sexy. I imagine backstage you're just, like, drying off your tits all violently

and, like, just getting ready to get back on stage. That's exactly true. It's actually pretty gross up there. And how much time does a stripper have between dances? Shit, they'll take as much time until you wrangle them back downstage. That's when I got an earful from Sunshine or any one of them that wants to get fresh. It's tough. See, that's weird to me, though, because every time I've been in a strip club,

it's just been bang, bang, bang. The strippers come out one after the other, and there's never any time in between. That's because there's a guy with a clipboard threatening to smack him with it. Wow. Dave ran a normal nice club. They will sit upstairs, smoke cigarettes, and bitch about how little money they have.

But that's why they have no money because they're not stripping. Fuck. They'll make $1,000 and tell you that they made no money. Oh, really? Cry about it. Why are they trying to manipulate you? Is it like a sociopathic thing? They'll manipulate anything they can.

They're the most manipulative people in the world. Of course, that's how they get men to pay them. I'm going through college. Exactly. It's a business built on manipulation. In every aspect of it. They'll sit there and fight with you with $1,000 in cash in their pocket over the $5 they owe you for that lap dance they just gave.

I like them. They will get down to the floor. They will cry. They will break a bottle. They will have a 20-minute tantrum and hold everybody up for $5. Interesting. $5. This is the kind of human you're dealing with.

No, they're just very hormonal. It sounds like they're very hormonal. You're dealing with women usually, like, what age? You know? I mean. Wow. You're dealing with women usually like what age? Wow. You hope that it's under 40. Yeah, you hope that it's early 20s. They're hormonal and emotionally totally scarred.

Yeah, but they're usually much older, right? Yeah, you can get them up to their mid to late 20s. And then the worst is when you have like the 40-year-old that rolls in with just no other options, that just kept saying year after year she was getting out of it, and just doesn't. Holy shit. Or when the... Oh, this is the sickest. When the mother drops the daughter off the floor, and then picks her up, and I had to meet a mother one time.

And how was that experience? What do you say to the mother? What do you say? Thank you for having her. Thanks for giving me the meat. Thanks for the meat, ma'am. Thanks for dropping your daughter off. What do you say?

What did you say? I think I said something along those lines, and I couldn't even begin to fathom what was coming out of my mouth. I just didn't know what to say about it. And then how was she as a stripper? She had female support. Yeah, she was great. Are there any strippers on Earth that are passionate about it and love it?

There has to be, right? There's got to be one. Yeah, like an Independence Day. Dina Von Teese. Sure. You had that girl that we talked about last week who had the miscarriage while she was twerking. Sure. She seemed like she was really into it.

Well, she was very into it, Mark. There was a woman. She was on stage. She was twerking, and then she had a gush of blood out of her pussy. She had a miscarriage. Oh, no. Yeah, you missed that one, Eddie. Oh, that's horrible. Oh, boy. Anyway, miscarried. Oh, you were here for that either. Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah, you weren't there for that. We're numb to it because we talked about it for like 20 minutes. It'd be just a real story. Good Christ. Was it in China? No, it was here. In America? Atlanta.

Strummy, what are you doing? Atlanta would have been my first guess. It was Atlanta, yeah. Anytime someone turns themselves invisible and steals cools, it's like, that's Florida. But if you have a miscarriage on stage, that's Atlanta. There were no strip clubs in Tallahassee, were there? That can't be true.

No, I don't. There must have been. There was only one gay club where we performed our comedy, and then there was, yeah. Yeah, there were no strip clubs. What was the name of that club again? Brothers, where we performed. comedy and then there was no strip clubs. What was the name of that club again? Brothers where we performed. The gay bar. Yeah, which was great

man. Just fucking coke-caped bathrooms, fucking backstage, just troughs of beer. I know why. Holden and Henry were like pioneers back then. I've got from Yahoo Answers why are there no strip clubs in Tallahassee, Florida? Local zoning laws prohibit them from being built within the city limits.

No 40s in Tallahassee. Or Florida. Or Florida in general. My brother was just in Michigan with my mom's house, and he had five frat brothers, and they were going crazy over the 40s because they couldn't get any back home. Eight more ounces! 40s because they couldn't get it in that cold. Eight more ounces! And then they would leave like 10 ounces to get warm on the porch.

Yeah, yeah. That's interesting. You guys did not have 40 ounce alcoholic beverages in Tallahassee? No. And no strip clubs? No strip clubs. That's amazing. Still a great town.

It's weird that they didn't just build them on the outskirts because in Lubbock we had three outside the city limits. We had Nibbles, the Beaver Run, and Yellow Rose. Oh. Yellow Rose. That's right. We talked about Yellow Rose. That was the American joint. Did the Beaver Run have some kind of splashy Whitewater Rapid ride on it?

Because I wish that it had like a fire patch. No, but my brother did finance it. Oh, very nice. Yeah. Megan, you're an actress, and obviously a lot of people go out there to Hollywood, and they try to make it big and things, and I would assume you meet some of these gals. Obviously, you're very successful, but do you know any actresses that have just completely sunk ship and have gone into stripping? No.

You only hang out with the most successful? I only have like five friends. I'm kind of alone there. That's good. I feel like that happens very, very often, right? Yeah. Hollywood probably has

some amazing script books. If I met a lot of actresses in my nine years in LA, then I probably would have met some that left the business to do something a little more scandalous. Yeah.

I think someone from our college, does this count, is a burlesque dancer now? Yes, I believe you are correct. Holden and I went to college together. Yeah, yeah. But actually, I know a few girls from college that are now burlesque dancers that wanted to be serious

actresses, actually. That's actually, there's a few. Is that worse? One of them I had a summer fling with. Really? Yeah, absolutely. She's doing burlesque. Yeah, yeah. I found out after a while. Yeah, yeah. I banged the bejesus out of her. Yeah, what was she doing, buddy? That was the summer of smoking. I bet she's while. Yeah, yeah. I banged the bejesus out of her. Good for you, buddy. That was the summer of smoking.

I bet she's like, yeah, right. No, she was very unhappy. That was the summer of smoking weed, watching Invader Zim, and having sex with this chick. Yeah, it was an awesome time. Good summer. Man, I had my best summers in Tallahassee. We'd just smoke weed. It's over, Holden.

It's all done, buddy. Yeah, because every day I wake up, it's like, my career, my career. Back in college, there was no career. You just enjoyed yourself. We're 30 now. Oh, yeah, and that's not what you're doing now. Look at what we're doing. We're in a basement doing a podcast.

We're like really hilarious people. Yeah, but every moment of the day, I'm like, where is this podcast heading? Oh, please. More stripper talk. All right. So we got a guy invisible stealing cools. Let's move on to another story. All right.

Well, you were on the bus today, Mr. Pastrami. I got a bus story for you. All right. Love a bus story. I'll take it. A morning commute on the Metro's Prospect Avenue bus could have turned tragic Monday when a woman argued with a fellow passenger, then doused riders with gasoline and threatened to light a match. Wow!

Randy Harris, 50, one of the victims of the 5.30 a.m. incident, said, The girl got mad because someone sat beside her. The bus was crowded, and she asked him to move. When the man refused, they argued, and the woman pulled a plastic water bottle filled with gasoline from her bag. At first, other passengers thought the bottle contained apple juice because of its color, They argued, and the woman pulled a plastic water bottle filled with gasoline from her bag. At first, other passengers thought the bottle contained apple juice because of its color, but the stench of gasoline quickly... Are you talking about the woman or the...

Goddamn substance. But the stench of gasoline... There's a stereotype that I am just pointing out. What are you talking about? Black people like apple juice. I like apple juice. Everyone does. It's my favorite juice.

I'm just... Five-year-old me loves apple juice. It's the apple juice. I like apple juice. Everyone does. It's my favorite juice. Five-year-old me loves apple juice. It's the best juice. I'm defuncting racism. I like pineapple juice. It's like chicken. It's like chicken. We all love chicken. Everyone loves chicken.

I like grape juice. Jackie? I like chicken. Jackie, what's wrong? Jackie, what's going on right now? What's wrong? Oh, no, I'm fine. I was just thinking about that no one should ever ride a bus between the hours of midnight and 7 a.m.

I agree. Some crazy shit happens on the bus later. It's the worst. It is a war zone that no one cares about between those hours. Lord knows I've done it, man. It's fucking scary. Yeah, it's always scary. I did it in L.A. for two years.

No, two months. Yeah, that's about right. It felt like two years. Did you get a DWI? No. Okay. I got back from a job in Puerto Rico, and I let my insurance lapse, and then I got in a little fender bender, and then I was driving without insurance, and then I couldn't drive

at all. Why is it a job in Puerto Rico? I just immediately thought of a donkey show. It was with Jean-Claude Van Damme. It was awesome. Oh, well, I don't think it's definitely a donkey show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no donkey shows in Puerto Rico.

No? Just Mexico. Just Mexico? Yeah. I don't know about just Mexico. Puerto Rico, it's America. It's classy. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry. They use our currency. There's no donkey shows. Okay. No, no, no, no. Yeah. Have you been to a donkey show? If you told Poppy, who was our producer.

Did you? It was wild. I bet. Is that the word to describe it? I mean, I was young. I was drunk. They flipped the donkey over. First of all, the donkey's depressed.

He's got patches of fur missing and shit. And an old bandana. An old bandana? Yeah, around the neck. Yeah, donkeys always wear bandanas. Have you seen any cartoons? That is what they wear. Yeah, she flipped the donkey over so four legs are sticking straight up.

She blew him. Wait, and you saw this all live? I saw that. I was like 19. Really? Unbelievable. We looked for it for hours just walking around. Oh, my God.

Tijuana, baby. And she blew the donkey and then sat on it and gave it a couple pumps. Wow. And did the donkey come then? No, there was no jizz. But she put a condom on it, too. She did? Yeah.

That's good. You got to be safe. Why were you looking for her? We were looking for the doggy show. Yeah. I mean, that makes sense. Don't they finish your sentence? Doggy show, you go around the corner, you bestie cigar shop.

How did you feel watching the woman have sex with a donkey? It was horrific. You didn't like it? You couldn't turn away. I'm glad I saw it. It was good for me. Any action in your bowl? Is that right?

I needed to see it to become a man, I think. Are their dicks bigger than human dicks? Of course they are. I don't know. I was in the freak room of the Copenhagen Porn Museum, and I gotta watch quite a donkey show on a TV screen. Oh, really? There was a freak room

in the Copenhagen Porn Museum, and they had... Was I in the video? You were the donkey. Was I in the back? One screen was donkey action. One screen was midget action. One screen was a couple pissing on each other. It was a very...

And they were all next to each other. You just stared at it. It's just shit I don't need to see. Yeah, it was a nightmare. I just don't need it. I don't need to watch that woman blowing that horse. I don't need any of that. I don't know.

I kind of agree with you, Mark. You can't look away. I don't need to see it again. It didn't turn me on, but it was good to see. You stumble upon things. You don't stumble upon a woman blowing a horse. Yes, you do. How do you stumble upon it?

You've got to look for it. You stumble upon CNN.com. You don't stumble upon a woman blowing a fucking horse. Always knock on a barn door before you go in. That's true. You never know. But you didn't get hurt at all, Amant? No, not at all.

I didn't get turned on at all. It was just something to see. It was a visual masterpiece. Were people there getting turned on? No, no. We were all just like slapping each other. Holy shit, this is crazy. It's for the gringos.

Oh, completely. Yeah, there are no Mexican guys there. No, just the cockfights. The handlers were there. I still don't have a good visual of how she got those pumps in. Yeah, there are no Mexican guys there. No, just the... They're the cockfights. The handlers were there. Yeah. You know. I still don't have a good visual how she got those pumps in. Yeah, weren't you worried about getting kicked?

Donkeys are fucking kickers. The donkey was very just... They drugged the donkey. She got underneath. It was very at ease. And then like... You can't drug it so much that it don't get hard.

Yeah. Put McBride's back. You let... A donkey let her... Oh, this is what... He didn't let it happen. He wasn'tons back. You let a donkey let her. He didn't let it happen. He wasn't like, you know. The donkey laid down with its legs up in the air and took it. Oh, yeah. Well, they'd be like four guys flip it over.

It's a whole thing. It's like a traditional thing. It's a whole horse and pony show. Anyway, Megan. It's a whore and pony. Don't talk about my name in that sentence. I apologize. We'll call you Ashley.

Thanks. How was working with Jean-Claude Van Damme? Oh, yeah. I mean, I've been sitting on this question. I wanted to ask. As she said, I was like, oh, that'll be a fun question. But then the donkey show conversation happened, and it kind of threw me off. What is that?

I remember when she said that she wore the Jean-Claude Van Damme, and I was like, oh, who cares? Valid questions. No, but I mean, that's interesting. And then we got to the donkey conversation. Was it fun? Jean-Claude was a nice man? He was a very nice man. I'm not going to talk about it.

Here's the thing. It's a very weird question to answer. How was this person? How was that person? But it's a question that everyone always asks. So I have to learn how to answer that question. Definitely. I'm like, well, I can't tell you most of the stuff I want to tell you. Why not? Because to be completely authentic and honest, I'd have to say things that maybe aren't PC.

Not because Jean-Claude is not an awesome guy. He's an awesome guy. What, like Austrians or bastards or something like that? He's not Austrian, is he? He's French. From Brussels. The details of your everyday life for some reason.

What's one thing that Jean-Claude Van Damme said to you that you were just like, oh, yikes, that's a little racist? Yeah. See what I mean?

You know what? That's right. I'm sure Jean-Claude Van Damme says some racist things. Oh, yeah. Everyone says racist things. But does Jean-Claude Van Damme, like, he lives up to that everyman status?

He lives up to an 80s action hero status. He's very interesting because he came from poverty in Belgium. And he came to Los Angeles and he begged, borrowed, and stole and got to where he was was which is huge. He was an impoverished son of a florist. That's amazing.

And now he's like son of a florist. Sounds like a musical. How did he ever make it? He travels the world. Oh boy. All right. Well,

I won't ask you anymore about him. I can't believe it. The impoverished son of a florist. How did he ever make it? It's a Walt Whitman play there. I don't even know who he wrote plays. Check that on Google for me. Yeah.

We need a fact check on that. What was the name of the movie that you worked on with? Because that's what he told me, by the way, and everyone else in the cast. Oh, so if he lied, that would be fascinating. That would be fascinating. Impoverished son of a florist, Jean-Claude Van Damme. I was watching Expendables 2 earlier today. He did great.

He was great. Oh, good. Yes. All it says is that he suffered from substance abuse and entered a month-long rehabilitation program in 1996, but left after only one week. That same year, he spent up to $10,000 a week on cocaine. Wow. He's not really concentrated on the bad stuff.

You know, it's like this guy, he came up from nothing, from Belgium, and he's an American hero. Did he do cocaine when you were with him? No. Any booze or anything like that? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And of course, it's reverse Tuesdays, so those are all yeses. His first movie in 1984 was called Monaco Forever.

The role was Gay Karate Man. Oh, wow. Worst action figure ever. Like I said, he begged, borrowed, and stole. He did everything he could. He was in breaking. Can you imagine if there was a toy of the gay karate man and his stepfather just bought that for his stepson?

Right, right. He immediately fucking hates that guy. Think about the accessories. He breaks a board with his ass. Oh, man. All right. Well, that's very interesting. He was a dancer, too.

Was he? Isn't that something? That explains his finesse. Impoverished son of a florist. We watched Street Fighter very interesting. He was a dancer, too. Was he? Isn't that something? That explains his finesse. Impoverished son of a florist. We watched Street Fighter the movie the other day, and it was fucking sweet. It was god-awful. What are you talking about? I mean, yeah, but in that great way.

It's one of the worst fucking movies I've ever seen in my life. I mean, it's bad, but in that good way. Hold it. You're being rude. He was an impoverished son of a florist. But did you know that Mortal Kombat was originally supposed to star Van Damme? There we go. Really? Bringing it all around.

Was he going to be Johnny Cage? Johnny Cage. Oh, Johnny Cage. Yeah. But maybe you turned out Johnny Cage was Scorpion. It doesn't matter. Don't give it away. Don't spoil it.

All right. There's a statue of Van Damme in Brussels. Isn't that the source there is? He's there, Rocky. There must be. All right. Well, I guess we should move on to another story. All right.

Sounds good. Did we even talk about the last one? I don't know. What was it? We only got halfway through the story. Yeah, let's just do that. The gasoline. I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, the gasoline with the woman. Yeah, the gasoline. Harris, the witness, said, right after the gasoline, she pulled out matches and tried to flick it. That's when the melee broke out. Oh, wow. It's another world, man. I guess that's when it does break out. The bus driver, who had already called dispatchers, quickly pulled the bus over and opened the doors when she heard people shout about the gasoline.

Passengers rushed to get off the bus, knocking the matches from the woman's hands. Whoa. Wow. a.m. Right away, he heard an expletive-filled argument involving a loud woman. He said, it was MF this and MF that. I'm thinking it's pretty early in the morning for all this. Yeah. Who is this guy, a farmer? It usually doesn't happen until like 2, 3 p.m. Yeah. How late does it have to be before you say

motherfucker? 11 a.m.? It's usually my first word. Yeah, that's true. That is very true. It's usually my first word. Yeah, that's true. That is very true. Usually my first word, too, but I wake up at 3 p.m., so. It was my first word as a baby. It was not.

It was Holden's. I mean, he was fucking his mother. Yeah, Ed's first word was a sentence. It was, why am I so fucking fat? Yeah, yeah. And then Eddie's mother was like, because you gave me diabetes, Ed. Yeah, got it And his mother is with him. Because you gave me diabetes, Ed. Yeah, got it.

Got it in. Yeah, that's right. So I'm just, the premeditation, like, she knew she was going to get in a scuffle with a random stranger, filled a bottle of water with gasoline, and put a matches. I mean, unless she was planning on attacking someone specific later that day. Right. That's my whole thing. My theory. I have a theory with this. Okay that day. That's my whole thing. My theory.

I have a theory with this. Okay, please. She's on the bus. She's got a bottle of water full of, or a water bottle full of gasoline. Obviously, this woman ran out of gas. She ran somewhere else. She had no money. She runs up to the gas station, fills it up, fills up the water bottle with gasoline,

steals it, runs away, gets on the bus. She's just having a bad day. What about the knife? How do you explain the steak knife? How do you explain that steak knife? Oh my god, there's no defense for this. You're giving this to a lot of people. But you should be the lawyer on the case. Yeah, yeah. Because that is an amazing

Yeah, people carry around knives. Now she's getting a theft charge. Yeah, for stealing gasoline, but that's a way lesser rap than premeditating a burning a bus full of people. She is charged with six counts of assault. Gotcha. Yeah. And after everyone left the bus, she was left alone on the bus.

And she began, quote, cursing and prancing up and down the aisle until the officers arrived. Oh, man. They tased her? Yeah, I feel like prancing is the wrong word for what she was doing. She was hullabalooing. She was prancing like a moose prancing. A majestic dance

around the bus. I like hullabalooing. I love that. And this all happened in Kansas City. The woman's name is Ebony Williams. Oh, really? I have nothing to say. Polish, huh?

I won't take that bear trap. I did kind of set it out for you. Come on, Jackie. Come here, come here. All right, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. How are you going to cook and eat Ed? How do you do it? Me asks the question.

Yes, very well. No, you go. You go first. Like Jaws, you're going to harpoon him, right? You throw him out into the water. Capture him. Throw him out into the water. Harpoon him to death. Reel him. You throw him out into the water. Capture him, throw him out into the water. Harpoon him to death.

Reel him in. Hang him up by his feet. Jaws wasn't harpooned to death. No, like a big shark. Or a whale. We're going to need a bigger boat. Then you hang him up by his feet so that we can all take pictures by him. But you're dead, so it's fine.

It's not like torture. No, I'd want you to. Yeah, and then we put... Actually, I'm going to make an amendment to my will. I think that it's... We'll have pictures of you, like your face being held up and your mouth held open. You'd be surprised how wide it gets. I'm sure.

Then we'll all have pictures of you dead, and then we'll slow roast you over a fire, and then to get you really crisp, we'll put you on a big stick, and then turn you. We're just going to do kind of a spit and slow roast

him over a fire? We've got to hunt him first though and do the whole hanging thing. It's a picture-taking opportunity. I would just love to see you going after the chum. More of a souvenir tourist type thing. Yeah, like for fun. Well, you know, if you hunt and kill something yourself, it tends to taste better.

I think that it would be great. And, Marcus, I'll let you pull the trigger on the harpoon. Woo! All right. That's big. Also, I should mention, Marcus is a multimillion-dollar restaurant owner. Of course, we all know. And we'll choose one of these

as his way that two cook and eat at. Yes. I'll go ahead and go. I just want to get an Ed-sized blender and churn them up and throw a couple of rats in there and make hot dogs out of them. I'll call it Tasty Eddie's.

Yeah. Hot dog manufacturer. Get a bunch of carts out there in Central Park. Serve them up real nice. All right. All right. Well, he does already have somewhat of a hot dog scent. Absolutely. He does.

Breaks of hot dogs. Tasty Eddie's is a great name. Great. Tasty Eddie's is really. Wasn't that, what was that hot dog? There was a hot dog place over on Bushwick. Yeah, close down. Yeah, yeah.

It was called like Eddie's, something like that. Right, right. You know what? I'll throw up a side chain because he's got a bunch of poo in him all the time. Yeah. And I'll turn that up and I'll call that Stinky Eddie's. I will serve those dogs real crisp. All right.

Poop dogs. No one's going to buy those. Yeah, I don't know if poop dogs is going to be here. No, exactly. That's why it's called Stinky Eddie's. But it's like a joke. You're all getting wasted with your friends. You're like, oh, let's go to Stinky Eddie's and try to eat one.

I mean, I've got a lot of money, but I can do that. Sure. All right, Tasty Eddie's. Okay. Hot dogs. I like it. I don't even know.

I guess sushi. I'm kind of in the mood for sushi, so I guess if I can keep you all raw, I wouldn't cook you at all. Ed loves sushi. Yeah, sushi's great. You do love sushi. I would hope that you could be alive,

because obviously sushi is best when the meat isn't. Oh, and then I could have some with you. Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah. So you've got Ed laid out. The sushi chef is making rolls out of his body, still alive. He's hanging out with the customers, talking to them, serving up the rolls. Exactly.

A little piece of lettuce on his crotch. Yeah, indeed. A little radish on his nipples. A little radish on the nipples, a little wasabi on the nose. I'll have a little bit of that. You know, I like a little bit of sushi. And then we can hang out for as long as we possibly could before I completely devour your entire body. Thank you.

Raw. Yeah, raw. It's like, you know what body sushi is? Yeah. But it's like fake because they put sushi on the body. This is literally body sushi. It doesn't count as cooking and eating, Ed, if you serve it on the body.

You tell that to Mr. Hoshinaki. Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Pastrami. I was lost there. Booner got me good. You tell that to Mr. Hoshinaki. Alright, Booner, how are you going to do it? How are you going to... Korean barbecue

style, communal eating while doing the podcast. I should hope it's communal. We would finally shut you up. Oh, wow. Not bad. Wow, just mean at the end for no reason. Oh, there's a reason, Eddie. There's a reason.

All right, who we got left? We got Ed? We got Norman? We got Mr. Pastrani? I was going to say rotisserie, too. You took mine. But what I want to do, I'll do rotisserie with two dicks. You know, like two gay guys.

Gay guys. So they'll choke you out and fuck you in the ass with their penises. That's what kills you. And then we'll rotate you. Wow. Should we make them donkeys? Let's make them donkeys. All right.

Making them donkeys. Executive decision. Thank you. And then we can eat the poopy. Yeah. The chest donkey meat. But you know what? I want the whole thing eaten by the fucking man versus food faggot.

Oh, absolutely. There has never, ever been a betterversus-food faggot. Oh, absolutely. There has never, ever been a better use of the word faggot than describing Adam Richman for man-versus-food. That fat fucking piece of shit. Okay, you have a backstory, though. I love that that's

your enemy. Indeed, I hate him with all my heart. Of every gay person on the face of the planet. And I fucking hate Adam and that's it all right all right well i like i enjoy poopy thank you so mr the man with food in his name yeah in typical pastrami fashion i would trim eddie bear cover him in pepper seed corn and boil him for 11 hours. Do you know how much straw he's made? Wow. I love it's 11 and not 12, but not exactly half of that.

Right, right. Well, that's it. There we are. Finally. No, no, no. Eddie's got to say how he's going to cook and eat himself. No, I know. Yeah, well, what I would do is I would have to, since obviously I can't cook and eat myself

and I want someone to be able to cook and eat me. Sure. I'm going to have to make an instructional video. Right. And so I will use Ben as my subject, and I will cook Ben in the video. No, no, no. That's different than the segment.

I'm the one who insulted you. Why can't I get cooked? Yeah, eat food. You don't have enough meat on you. She's fat as fuck. Are you kidding me? I have a lot of muscle. It would be like a tender lean.

I don't want to fucking eat you. Come on. Eat already. Gender bias. You use Ben mostly because you've got to use a monster to cook a monster. So what you've got to do is basically kill him like you'd kill a pig. So what you do is you slit their throat, hang them upside down. Jackie was right about that.

Yes. You got to drain them. Drain the blood. But the thing that everyone forgot is you got to take out the bowels. You know, you got to take out all the, you know, you got to rip out the poop. You got to get that stomach out. Well, Holden's doing a whole other thing. It's not going to suck.

Poopy hot dogs, stinky eddies. So you rip out all the bowels and all that stuff and then what you got to do after that is you have to set the whole body on fire to burn off all the hair burn off all the bacteria so it's like we're gonna light ben's body on fire i'm showing him laughing my ass off having a great time right making this video for but then i am dying i'm on fire you're already dead by this point. Oh, okay. So I'm fine. Yeah, you're fine. I'm where I want to be. Where you should be. Good.

That's fine. So then you burn the whole body, and then you start quartering it. You want to know what part of me you're eating. Right. So you cut off my ass, and you've got to trim the fat. You've got to get the fat out of there. Because, you know, Florida does. Trim the fat?

Yeah, you've got to trim it. You've got to fucking straight up out of there because, you know, trim the fat. Yeah, you got to trim it. You're going to fucking straight up like cut off pounds of meat. Hack the fat off of my meat. However, you're going to do it in the meat, though. There's fat in the muscles. Yeah, I know. But that's fine. That's OK.

You got to live with that. It's like a ribeye. Yeah. Yeah. All the white stuff. Cut it out. OK. Eat it up.

Make up steaks. And then what else you don't have is you cube it up and then you boil that, you boil up the cube meat and then you grill the steaks so this all happens to me though yeah well it's going to happen to me too in the instructional video because I want to make sure I'm cooked right and I want to make sure I am too

so what do you think? you know what, I'm going to go with the most fun Jackie we're going on a fishing trip. Wow. Fishing trip. Jackie Zebrowski. Unbelievable. That's the first one up, too.

Usually you forget that one, but hers was so memorable. It was like a classic movie. Marcus actually takes notes. I actually do. I take notes and I write everything down so I don't forget. It's not 100% random. It's like 90% random. All right. Well, that's the round table of gentlemen.

Jackie Zebrowski, the big winner of the night. Ed Lars and Holden McNeely. Thanks for sitting in, Megan Boone. Ashley. Thank you for being here, Ashley. Ashley Moon. Ashley Moon, yes. Of course, Mr. Pastrami. I do like

that we protected Mr. Pastrami more than we did Megan Boone. And of course, Mark Norman. And that is Marcus Parks. I am Ben Kessel. And check out Sirius Radio on Wednesday at 10 p.m. We'll be doing that little special program on Raw Dog Radio, channel 99. Alright, everybody. We'll talk to you later.