The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 153: Sno Kone Joe

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a Brazilian man is killed by a falling cow, an ice cream truck driver is charged with a DWI in the midst of a war with another vendor, and a man kills his wife over an argument involving sex toys and a Nintendo Wii. Joining us today: buddy Ben and Joe Pera!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. No, no buzz. We're done. No buzz. All right, Marcus, you'reility. No butt stuff. Marcus, you're praying to the Lord or Satan. I'll just say this. I could never get some anal action because I'd be a mess.

I thought you would be. Jesus Christ, that's disgusting. You would be. It would be a mess. I'm praying today. I'm going to pray to the Lord. Oh, wow. Dear Lord, please watch over Jackie's mouth in these coming days and weeks. I'm not saying anything.

I'm zipped. That's right. I zipped it up, man. Our own little Paula Deen over here. We're not going to say why. We're not going to talk about it. Uh-huh. Okay.

But let's just say. Yeah, I'll be good, God. I'll be good. Quit coming on to God. Why are you trying to blow God? And also watch over Holden's butthole, which, as I've heard, has problems of its own. They call me Sloppy Joe. Amen.

Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Who is the folks around this roundtable? Who are the folks? Jackie Zebrowski. I'm freshly shucked today. You've been shucked? What kind of shucking did you get? Did you get a butt shucking or a pussy shucking?

I got all the shucking. I got all the silks twisted off the outside of my body. It's going to be really hard to talk today. That's good. It's like, remember when I wasn't allowed to say rape more than once an episode? You still can't. I think the actual, the original restraint was nine.

Nine, don't. Yeah, yeah. Well, you were saying it about 33 times an episode, so we slowly take it back. But I do see you're wearing, is that a Bob Marley shirt? Jaw. Jaw. There it is.

Bob Marley smoking a big fat joint on her stomach. I thought about the world today and I fucking smoked that fucking sweet, sweet weed all day. That's right. Very good. Rastafarian Sunday school. Hell yeah, man. That's right. Every Sunday.

How long that shucking last for, Jackie? A solid minute and a half. Too hot. Whoa. That's a hot shucking. That's amazing. And then you came all over his face? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good. Ejaculated. Did you? You came today. I didn't come today. You didn't come today? No, I haven't come today. I woke up, ate some fruit, and did a show. What's that? By yourself in your bathroom? Doing it in a park.

2 p.m. There was children there. Old people asleep right in front of me. Dogs barking. While you were jerking off? No. Not that kind of show. Yeah. A legal show.

That's Ed Larson. We did it for the kids, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My name's Ed Larson, and I teach kids how to jerk off as well. That's just not right. It's not right. It's not right. It's not right. Holden McNeely, I got nothing new.

Boingo. That's new? Boingo is technically new, so you do have something new. Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett. Man, I got to sit next to Holden all the time. It's so sad. Ja. Yeah, ja, mom.

All right. I'm Ben Kissel, of course. We got a fun little chuckle out here. We got Ben Epps here, the old friend of Holden McNeely from way back, high school, right? Seventh grade, correct? Seventh or eighth grade, yes. I knew Holden way back when. We called him Sloppy Joe back then as well.

That's great. For entirely different reasons and decidedly more gross reasons. Yeah, he used to puke on my balls. Has it been interesting? It's my party trick. Ben, you've actually seen the metamorphosis of Holden from a boy into a reptile. How is that, Ben? Yeah, from Holden to Sklar.

Yeah, it's been a ride. It's been a ride. I'd like to go ahead and point out I am decidedly un-hilarious, but I'm happy to be here. So nice to see you guys. We'll sit here and get drunk, and we'll have a great time. And then we've got Joe Pera, who is here also, who is an amazing stand-up comedian, a good friend of the show, and just an overall lovely human being. He's great.

Joe Pera got a good jaw. Joe Pera has a great jaw, and he's an amazing abs, and I would assume a massive dong. And every woman out there listening to this, send him some fucking tit pics. Joe Pera. You have never been so nice to a person ever. Are you fucking me? Uh-oh, Kevin's getting aroused. We just want to know if you are.

I'm just trying to understand. Am I fucking? Are you fucking? Am I fucking? Dude, he's trusting all of us, man. Because you know Joe gets to the fucking, as soon as that door closes, it is a different animal.

You fucking tear people apart. They call him Shredda. Shredda. Yo, he got the... The Shredda parrot. That's them kind... He got them kind eyes, man. You get lost in that shit, dude.

That's right. You've never been nice to anyone on this show. Except if you were a hot girl and you're not a hot girl. He's a hot guy, you know? I'm changing my ways. He's got a good body. He does have a good body.

He got the smell of trouble. Smells good. Oh, it really is peaceful in here today. Oh, my God. It've got a good body. He does have a good body. He's got the smell of several. Smells good. Oh, it really is peaceful in here today. It's great. Ja, that's right. I'm fine with Ja. I don't know what's going on. I showed up for a crawfish boil, and then they said do a podcast.

And I said, okay. Sexual dynamo. That's what I'm talking about. Sexual dynamo. Joe Carra. Speaking of hard bodies and sweet fucking sexual dynamos, that's Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's our first news story, buddy? A Brazilian man died after

a cow crashed through the roof of his home and landed on top of him as he lay sleeping in his bed. Oh, man. Yeah, João Maria de Suaza, 45, had been in bed with his wife, Lenny, when the animal suddenly fell through the ceiling of their home. The cow was believed to have escaped from a nearby farm and climbed onto the roof of the couple's house, which backs onto a steep hill. The corrugated roof immediately gave way,

and the one-and-a-half-ton horned bovine fell eight feet onto Mr. De Suaza's side of the bed. His wife and the cow both reportedly escaped unharmed. She just starts fucking it? Yeah, yeah. She's just wishing for a cow to come into bed? You've got fat. You look like a cow. And then he is a cow.

His grieving mother, Maria De Suaza, told Brazil's Super Canal TV channel, quote, I didn't bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow. But what mother does? Is there a mother out there who's trying to have their son become a 30-year-old man and have a cow somehow fucking fall on him? Do they kill the cow? No. It's not the cow's fault, right?

It's bad workmanship. Get a roof that can support a cow. Give the cow a medal. The cow escaped unharmed. He's the one who fell through the roof. The cow's a murderer. It is, yeah. He is not a murderer.

Cow's a professional wrestler. But police are on the search for the owner of the cow who could be charged with involuntary manslaughter. Oh, come on. This is fucking Brazil. Exactly, man. You see a city of God? She's crazy out there. Niggas are dying.

Boo. Yeah. Sexual dynamo. Joe Ferrer. God damn. We're all on the same page about what this nigga looks like. There is no doubt about that. Killing.

Killed by a cow. His mother continued, He nearly died when he was two and got meningitis, but I worked hard to buy medicines for him and he survived. And now he's lying in his... She sounds like a real pain in the ass. She sounds overdramatic. Oh, God.

You want to hear... Yakety, yakety, yakety. You want to hear dramatic, she continues, and now he's lying in his bed and gets crushed to death by a cow. There's no justice in this world. I guess she's right about the justice. There's no justice in this world. Oh, my God. I mean, I guess. She's right about the justice.

I suppose. Especially in Brazil. I bet his wife was exactly the same way as his fucking mother. He's probably glad that he's dead. And he's like, I need medication. I need to pay for your fucking medication. I just wish a fucking cow would fall through the ceiling and crush me dead. Exactly.

I just wish a fucking cow would fall through the ceiling and crush me dead. Exactly. I bet he fucking slept in a bed of grass or something trying to lure that cow to him. Get that cow to come graze, just fucking put him out of his misery. Just put some grass on his head. I mean, it sort of sucks to die in such a comedic way, right? It'll be a fun funeral. I mean, killed by a cow?

That's just got to be full of laughs, right? There's no way you can't laugh at that. You've got gotta be just looking at that casket just thinking about yeah then you have the mental image of a cow falling on a dude like i don't scoff what you imagine i imagine that she felt like she felled she fell feet first so she was on him like they were fucking each other like could love. You guys don't think it's funny? Yeah. Well, originally the man only suffered a fractured left leg. But the Brazilian medical system killed him. No other obvious injuries.

Reporting that he was conscious and talking normally in the hospital. But while he was waiting to see a doctor. Somebody shot him in the head. Out of beds at the hospital They needed to take it I guess we know Cows cannot be ninjas That is one thing This story tells us

So how did he They don't know how he died? I mean It could be that he died He bled to death While in the Waiting for the doctor How do you bleed to death

In the hospital? Internal bleeding It's Brazil Ben I know it I know A referee Last week, a referee killed a man on the field and then the crowd

killed the referee on the field. Did you watch the video? No. It's not a video of it, but they quartered the man, so they decapitated him and cut off all his limbs. This is a video of the hospital people trying to pull all this shit back together. Oh, my God.

You have to put like a 90 second. 90 seconds on the clock. You know, put this man back together. You're going to make a game show out of that in Brazil. So, I'm sorry. I didn't hear this. How did the referee kill the guy in the field? He stabbed him.

Because he just had a knife with him. He gave him a red card, and then the guy tried to fight him, and then he stabbed him and murdered him. Good fucking lord. On the field. Yeah, the referee murdered the player, and then the player's family strung up the referee while the player was being whisked to the hospital. The guy in the ambulance, when the kid died,

the guy in the ambulance called the kid's family. It's like, all right, he's dead. Kill him now. Kill the dude. And they had his head on a stake. In the middle of the field. In the middle of the stadium. Didn't they stone him first, too?

Yeah, they stoned him first. Where do you get all these stones at a soccer field? It's Brazil. Yeah. Cows fall through ceilings, and refs just end up with their heads on spikes halfway through the game. It's too damn hot. Hot women there, though, right? Very hot women.

Brazilian women. Great place to vacation. Indeed. Joe, you ever bang a Brazilian broad? Nope. I have a feeling, though, if you went to Brazil with that jaw and that voice, you could probably be the king of Brazil. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Now, when you say jaw, are you talking about his emotional jaw or his mouth jaw? Oh, both, man. He's got it all. What's an emotional jaw? Jaw. I heard that in jaw, there will be hot girls at a club that will lure you out to the outside of the club on the pretense that they're going to have sex with you. Sure. And then...

They drop a cow on you. Yep. Then they gut you, and then they take your money. The guys jump in, and the girl's in on the plot all along. She's never going to have sex with you. That's Brazil for you. I think the same thing happens in Williamsburg. Yeah, yeah.

It happens a lot in Eastern Europe, too. Sure. Yeah, yeah. The honeypot. Yeah. Is that what it's called? Honeypot? Yeah, the honeypot.

I knew a dude who got roped in at a club. He was actually looking for some pay-for-action, though. So he was a real idiot in London. And he went to this... Huh? Was it in Greece? No, it was in London. It was in London. No, we have two different stories of this happening, right? Oh, really? With the same guy? This was in London. Different guy

I think. This was in London. He went to a club. Girl sat down with him. It was like, what's the deal? What's going on? And then his drink cost like $600 or whatever. And then this huge dude walked him to the atm and had him pull out all the money and give it to him yeah and he's an expert was it a good drink though did you drink it it was some no i don't even like a medela or something like that he was trying to get his fucking rocks off by a prostitute right he couldn't even do that it was very sad how don't you figure out

how to fuck a prostitute go to amsterdam they were so easy to fuck there yeah they're in the windows dancing yeah they're like legitimately there to fuck you notitute. Go to Amsterdam. They were so easy to fuck there. Yeah, they're in the windows dancing. Yeah, they're like legitimately there to fuck you, not like in a weird London club in Soho. But I don't think it's good though, because you have to wear a condom. I think they put a glove on. You have to wear a condom and you can only do one position. They blow you with a condom on and every other position costs money. Yeah, you can only do one

position, so you pick it. Who's got the energy to change positions anyway? Normal men. And you weren't going to die in six months. Yeah, and like, and he eats a hamburger like he fucks a woman, you know? Oh my die in six months. Yeah, Ed eats a hamburger like he fucks a woman. It's so wonderful. One and done. Good God. I don't even... Ed's a pedophile

by the way. Eddie and I were moving on Thursday. It is a strong allegation. That's why I'm making it because it's a fact because every girl that Ed said was attractive he had the next sentence like oh no no no she's like 15

my eyes aren't what they used to be oh my god you sound like a dirty uncle I look for tiny silhouettes every girl Kevin I'm telling you you would have been proud of them

my eyes you would have been happy with them every fucking girl I was the first to admit it not a lick of pubic hair on them. You were the first to admit it. Yeah. And then I backed out.

I didn't approach any of them. I'm not a pedophile. You didn't approach any of them. Yeah, I didn't. Why am I on trial? You eye-raped them. Because you vision-raped them. Oh, come on.

You were looking at their tits. You were looking at their pussies. No, he wasn't looking at their tits. They didn't have any. They literally were as flat as a 10-year-old. That's why I call the cops on this guy. I like little tiny titties. Disgusting.

It's not right. That's the thing. People judge guys who like huge tits. You know for a fact that woman's of age. You know, it's like... No, you don't. No, you don't. No, you don't. Gina Mason, 7th grade.

Gigantic titties. Jeannie Heise, 7th grade, gigantic titties. How big are we talking here? Jeannie Heisey, 7th grade, huge titties. I know a girl, I can't say the full name. I do not remember it, but she had a breast reduction in 9th grade. By the time she was in 11th grade, tits were even bigger. She had another breast reduction. Wow. God finds a way.

God finds a way. Titties, titties. Those are Jurassic Park tits. Wonderful tits. Did she get a double reduction? Because they were ancient. Yeah. I don't know what happened after that, but probably.

Oh, that's amazing. I wish that all my food that I would eat would just go straight to my cock. You know, I was just such a massive bongo. I wish that all the food I ate looked like tits. Yeah. That would be good. Marcus, what's another story? Are we done with the cow story?

Yeah, that's all we got. Okay. And we're done talking about tits. No, no, no. Joe, as a matter of fact, what's your favorite sized bosom? They're all pretty good. Sexual dynamo. No para.

They're all pretty good. What do you think about my breast, Joe? That was pretty good. Very nice. All right, Marcus, what's the story? Philip Hollister, a driver for Mr. Ding-a-ling Ice Cream Trucks. Speaking of pedophiles, I would not let my child get ice cream from Mr. Ding-a-ling Ice Cream Trucks. Ding-a-ling ice cream truck. Speaking of pedophiles, I would not let my child get ice cream from Mr. Ding-a-ling's

ice cream truck. Ding-a-ling! That's my ice cream. Phillip Hollister, a driver for Mr. Ding-a-ling in Gloversville, New York, is arrested after police said he was drinking and driving. He said, quote, I'm no longer going to be vending ice cream.

Hollister was fired on Wednesday morning and is now packing up his things before sending the Mr. Ding-a-ling truck back to its owner. The ice cream man was on his way home. King Ding-a-ling. Owner of Ice Cream Ding-a-ling. The ice cream man was on his way home from selling treats

at the Northampton Firework Display on Saturday morning when a sheriff's deputy saw him swerve into the opposite lane. Fulton County Sheriff Tom Lurie explained the deputy turned around and gave chase and found Mr. Hollister was intoxicated driving his ice cream truck. Oh, I wish this was an actual chase. A high-speed chase

with an officer chasing Mr. Dingaling's ice cream truck down the highway. You're like that video game Twisted Metal. Yeah! Oh, definitely. This guy could have been a fucking tyrant. Yep. Sheriff Lurie said Hollister blew a.15. He also said open beer was found in Hollister's truck. Hollister explained,

I wanted to have a couple drinks and unwind and go to bed. It was a very, very long day. In May, Snow Cone Joe operators were arrested and had their permits revoked after Mr. Dingaling accused them of harassment. Whoa, it's an inside job! There's a fucking coup going on here. It could be. This right here, the last part of the story is more about the ice cream wars going on within Gloversville.

I need to hear about this. Ice cream wars in Gloversville. There needs to be a Vice documentary about this. There's three parties involved. There's Mr. Ding-a-ling. Okay. There's Snow Cone Joe. And they're ruthless.

Snow Cone Joe sounds bad, man. It sounds like a bad word. Death leave into death. And nobody fucks with Snow Cone Joe. I'm sorry, Snow Cone Joe. Snow Cone Joe sounds bad, man. He sounds like a bad dude. Definitely even to death. Nobody fucks with Snow Cone Joe. I'm sorry, Snow Cone Joe. I'm so sorry, Snow Cone Joe. Oh, yes, you will be. You don't know what pain is, boy.

Snow Cone Joe says, sayonara. And you get your fucking face bludgeoned. And the third player, Mr. Pop Pops. Mr. Pop Pops. The old man who's been there forever. player, Mr. Pop Pops. Mr. Pop Pops. Okay, Joe. The old man who's been there forever. Nobody fucks with Mr. Pop Pops. He sounds like he's got a really high voice like it's a cartoon.

Fuck the Crips and the Bloods. Well, Mr. Pop Pops took last summer off because he claimed that Snow Cone Joe was harassing him. Really? However, now that Mr. Ding-a-ling is out of the picture, Mr. Pop-Pops now has the license to sell ice cream in this town exclusively. Pop-Pops is back.

I kind of have a feeling like Pop-Pops got his fucking teeth sharpened. Oh, no doubt. Hey, he is a fucking monster-ish looking dude. Definitely. Ice cream truck territories, it's no joke, man. They're like drug dealers. Fuck that shit. Yeah. They are drug dealers, right?

Most of them? I mean, there's a little weed on the side, I think. If you're in the Lower East Side in October or November and there's still a snow cone truck going around, it's selling drugs, definitely. Joe, who do you think is going to win this war? Pop Pops, Ding-a-lings, or Snow Cone Joe? My money's on Pop Pops. Why are you going Pop Pops? He's just been in the game a little bit longer.

Experience. Yeah, that's true. And his soft serve is real, maybe real cream. The other stuff is just, it's not real soft serve. Sexual dynamo. I agree. If it's real cream, I'm going pop pops as well.

You gotta have it with real cream. No doubt about it. Any boy loves his cream, man. You can't deny him his cream. So many pussies just exploding. Oh, yeah. I mean, but I like Mr. Philip Hollister because he seems genuinely remorseful for his actions.

He said the most upsetting part is knowing he let the children down. That's sad. He said, quote, it's devastating. You don't let the children down, you're going to get arrested for picking too many up. All right. Well, it's not Eddie's big fat meatball cart. All right.

Hey, do you want some meatballs? No, no, no, no. The kids all run away. As soon as they hear your song, everyone just fucking. Meatballs, meatballs, coming at your meatballs. Mommy, shut the door. Shut the windows. You threw a meatball at my eye, mommy.

Hide your kids. Hide your wife. Meatballs. Just covered in sweat, slinging meatballs. I like my bread falling to pieces. I don't even know what that means, but I believe you. Soggy. Oh, I see.

Soggy bread. Yeah. You would... God, it would be nice if you had a meatball truck. A lot of sweat in there. You would touch your nuts before you touched every meatball. And that's like a part of the appeal, you know? Species first.

Well, you know, I got to make sure there's a size. Yeah, exactly. So the size of your ball. Each meatball is modeled after your balls. Ben, I should explain. Ed has Gigantor balls. Massive balls. I'm glad to hear it.

Huge. They're really big. The best part is that you can't even, like, there's no memory involved. You have to hold your own balls every time to compare them. That's the most beautiful thing about it. Yeah, indeed. Your balls just fill up your entire palm when you hold them, right?

Yeah, pretty much. It's a big set of nuts. I don't think I can have two in one hand. Can a girl get both of them in her mouth? That's never happened. Wow. Well, ladies out there, you know what you've got to do. It's a challenge. Come over to Long Island City.

I've got a challenge to all of America to fit both of my nuts in your mouth. This is great. Eddie's Big Nut Challenge. And I'm dead serious, ladies, fans of the Roundtable of Gentlemen, of all of our other programs. Does anybody want to take Ed's Meatball Challenge? Write an email to Marcus. The line can start over on Jackson Avenue

and it's going to turn around the corner. Oh, it's going to be great. All the girls stretching their mouths. It'll be very fun. Put a post up on the Facebook page with a picture of your open mouth. If Eddie thinks that you have potential to fit his massive fucking bonking nuts in there, then he'll respond.

I like a big mouthed lady. Well, I hope so. You're going to need respond. Oh, that's a big-mouthed lady. Well, I hope so. Yeah, you're going to need to. Yeah, I got a feeling Eddie's not turning anyone down, no matter the size of the mouth. No, I mean, it's a contest. Yeah, you know, everyone gets in. Everyone gets in.

I bet Jessica Chassain could do it. Who's Jessica Chassain? Zero Dark Thirty, big mouth, real big mouth. Oh, she could definitely. Big wide brim. And I'm sure she can't wait. You know? She is going to be thrilled.

She's my favorite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jessica Chastain's a lady? Yeah, she's my favorite. So there's torture scenes in Zero Dark Thirty that made you. She didn't really torture as much as I wish she would have. Well, she did go in there and look at his little dick and make fun of him. Yeah, you know.

She had to. It's so weird. I just don't even feel like the torture's that bad. I just feel like they could be doing it. They put the man in a boo box. Yeah. Like it was a Peter Pan movie. Just be like cutting off his toes or something, you know?

Oh, yeah. That's what you wanted to say. That's different. Yeah, and putting nails in his feet. Well, have him fucking fit your nuts in his mouth. That would be a good goddamn torture. Gotta rip his teeth out first. Ah.

Ah. Good God. All right. Can we move to the different... Is there a fun news story about fun, happy things? Joe, how big are your nuts? Regular.

Can we rewind here for a second? So you want a woman that will put both of your nuts in her mouth at the same time? He needs it. Oh, yeah, ladies can do that. And hum a tune. It's amazing.

What are you talking about? Yeah, put them in your mouth. Hum same time. Oh, yeah, ladies can do that. And hum a tune. It's amazing. Yeah. What are you talking about? Yeah, put them in your mouth. Hum like, you know. The blues. I mean, they always sing like some very, very sad song that like day laborers sing because, you know,

they're working hard and getting no money. Yeah, I love a good nut song. Well, yeah, I know, but I just can't imagine you just like, hold on a second, just like,

here's how I laugh. No, no, because they're already going on your dick and then you laugh and smile. Yeah, I'm speaking my jollies. And he moved. Kev, you get your, because I, you know, honestly, because they're already going on your dick. Yeah, I'm speaking my jollies. Any movement. Kev, you get your...

Because I, you know, honestly, the first... It's best when they cough. Oh, God. It's nice to know they're healthy. The first time I ever had a girl lick all over my sweet, sweet, tender nuts was about a year ago. I'm 31 years old, almost 32. I never had a girl do it before out of all the things that i've done one thing but having them both shoved inside your mouth i just can't

imagine sexily doing that it doesn't matter what you're doing it's just you know you i mean that's the thing it's like you're down there you're just between our legs i mean hell eddie probably thinks every girl that does it is jessica chastain i'm thinking you know of a different girl all the time literally the first time. Literally the first time? Yeah, literally the first time. That's crazy. I've almost never not had that. That's because you're a champion. You're a man, you know? I look better than you.

Yeah! I mean, at this time, the way that America has fallen, yes, you're doing very well. Yeah, man. I've had, in college, I had a lady give me a tongue up on my taint. Yeah, that's very ticklish. No one wants to think about that.

It was very ticklish, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I couldn't deal with that. I was like, oh, oh. I love the taint. I can't hear you guys talking about it. It was very ticklish. It tickled me.

It was very ticklish. Taint misbehaving. Yeah. She's the one that gave him the nickname Sloppy Joe. Yeah, exactly. She didn't know about that nickname, but she found out. Holy Lord. All misbehaving. She's the one that gave him the nickname Sloppy Joe. Yeah, exactly. She didn't know about that nickname, but she found out. Holy Lord.

Next up, an argument over a bet placed on a video game escalated into a full-blown relationship crisis that ended in the shooting death of a common-law wife. A retired Mountie testified at his second degree. Common laws, you just live together for a long time. Yeah, it's the lazy man's marriage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the witness stand Thursday, Wiens, the retired Mountie in question, said the pair arrived home from a motorcycle ride around 5 p.m. the day before the shooting. They drank alcohol, ate dinner, then played Nintendo Wii video games. He said the two often made bets

of a sexual nature on the games. He lost the bet that night, and when he went to bed around 10.40 p.m., he found sex toys on his pillow, but moved them aside because he wanted to rest up for a golf game the next day. What an asshole. What the fuck? You lost! That's right. You lost the goddamn game.

Yeah. He said Calmering became upset when she saw that he was not in the mood to settle the bet. As she should be. Ween said she confronted him a number of times afterwards as he tried to sleep and suggested that he didn't want to have sex with her because he was no longer attracted to her and that he wanted to go home

and go to work in Grand Prairie to get out of the relationship. He said, No, it's nothing to do with... Yes, that's true. 100% accurate. Really nailed it. Maybe you do know me.

And then he falls in love again. He said, No, it's nothing to do with that. I love you. I just need to get some sleep. Calmering, he continued, was drunk and grew increasingly agitated before he told her to go to the spare bedroom, which she did. He then fell asleep, but woke later to her hitting him. He eventually told her to pack her things and go live with her kids. At that, quote, I would say that she snapped.

And after a final expletive-filled tirade, she left again. Ween said he then armed himself with the handgun he kept in his bedside table because he feared for his life. Oh, come on. She was not Lynn. Just arm yourself with a dildo and make this fucking chick come and go to sleep. Yeah. Yeah, it's not even that hard. What's wrong

with you? Just make your girl come. Yeah, you already have the toys, too, so it's like you don't even have to... You don't even have to get hard. No. You just fucking jam some shit in her vagina and go to bed. That's right. Hell yeah. Do it like a doctor did it in the 1910s to treat schizophrenia in women.

I'm not so sure that this was a vibrator situation. What kind of toys are we talking about? Oh, strap-on? I'm thinking strap-on. Because he lost the bet. Oh, she wanted to fuck him. He lost the bet. She wanted to bang him in the ass.

Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Well, be a man, take it to the ass, and then go to sleep. I feel like there's, you know, I was talking to a gay guy about this recently, and he said there's nothing more masculine than taking it in the ass. Sure. Can you say it like he said it, though? There ain't nothing more masculine than taking it in the ass. I mean, it's tough to do, yeah.

So Mike Tyson, then. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. You think that's a masculine quality That's a masculine thing to do KP Oh yeah man Dude You're taking a dude to the ass Like what's more dude like

Two dudes Two strong ass dudes Right Sweating on each other Fuck it There's nothing more Masculine than that in the world If you want to be like I'm gonna be a man It's like yo I'm gonna go out there fucking more masculine than that in the world

if you want to be like I'm gonna be a man it's like yo I'm gonna go out there suck some dick cause I'm a dude that's real I agree

that's real shit dude I can tell you've thought about that and watched many videos I love watching Ben Kissel be polite to Kevin it's so sweet

nice he has to be that's right. Well, I mean, you know, he just admits to his homosexuality constantly. Dude, I get all the chicks. You get none. Well, soon, the woman in question reentered the bedroom with a knife and rushed at him. He said, quote, I backed up, and I lifted up my gun, and I shot her in the head.

He shot her in the head? He shot her in the head. He definitely could in the head? He shot her in the head. He definitely could have shot her in the leg. I think so. He could have shot the knife out of her hand. He'd be real cool about it. Killed her instantly. He wanted to kill this woman so goddamn bad.

Oh, God, yes. She fell to the floor. He went to the bathroom and vomited, called the police and waited for them to show up. Now, to the fact that he vomited, I guess that makes it... I feel like this guy just straight up murdered her because his story is way too precise. Yeah.

You think so? If you're going so crazy and you're going through all this shit, you're not going to remember every tiny... You remember all these little details. Right. Yeah. You know, I feel like it's too pristine of a story. Yeah.

Well, he also testified the argument was the first that the couple had ever had. That can't be right. You shoot a woman after your first argument? Uh... that the couple had ever had. That can't be right. You shoot a woman after your first argument? Under cross-examination by Crown Counselor Colin Forsyth, however, Weins admitted that they'd previously had one other minor fight. He explained the semi-disagreement happened at a Willie Nelson concert when he dissuaded her from breaking into the singer's dressing room to flash her breasts.

This guy's a bitch. If my girlfriend wants to break into Willie's dressing room and flash her tits, it's like, do it, honey. I'm going to try to convince her to do it. Show Willie your tits. He's about to die. He deserves them. Indeed. He said that's the only time we had a disagreement with each other.

Yeah. She's full of life. He's a bozo. Yeah, man. That's fucked up, man. He's a bozo. Yeah, man. He's a bozo. I don't even like Willie Nelson, but as far as I'm concerned, all tits born within the past 30 years belong to him.

Would you dissuade your girlfriend from flashing somebody? Who are you listening to right now? I'm listening to a bunch of shit, man. I got the Jay-Z going, the new Magna Carter, man. There's a little bit of Yeezus. I like Daft Punk. Any of those people, they're fine.

If you're with a girl and she fucking flashes her tits at them, you're not going to be upset. Oh, you're fucked. They own those tits. That's the music that was at the bar

that I met said girl at. Right, right, right. They deserve those tits. That's for them. I agree. I need the tits I get to suck on. Yeah, exactly. Show them off. Indeed. I'm with you. Jackie, right, right. So they deserve those tits. That's for them. I agree. The tits I get to suck on. Yeah, exactly. Show them off.

Indeed. I'm with you. Jackie, what do you think? Would you flash Willie Nelson? Would you flash Jay-Z or Daft Punk? Yeah, yeah, sure, sure, sure. Would you be upset if your boyfriend told you not to? Oh, yeah, no.

That's not even, like, an issue. I would just break his hand. Yeah, she wouldn't even give me a chance. It's not like Jackie would ask. Yeah, that's true. I mean, that's the main thing. Also, I don't think I would ever flash my tits at one of them. I would try and make a funny joke and see if maybe they'd like me.

What about jaw? Would you flash jaw if he asked for them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd flash him my pussy, though. Yeah. I feel like he would appreciate that more. Yeah, you know know I don't know What do you want to be flashed?

Do you want to be flashed a pussy, some tits or a butt? What would really get you going? You guys know that sexual stuff makes me uncomfortable Would you be upset if your girlfriend flashed somebody at a concert? Who is it? Your girlfriend. A lady you love. She's flashing her tits all around.

Great tits, though. Willie Nelson? To Willie. Neil Diamond. Neil Diamond, okay. All right, next story. Let's do another story, and let's bring the devil into this one, please. That's what I'm doing.

A fire believed to have been started by a man trying to, quote, kill the devil, has raised four houses and come... You don't kill the devil into this one, please. That's what I'm doing. A fire believed to have been started by a man trying to, quote, kill the devil, has raised four houses and come. You don't kill the devil. The devil has a very important job. He has to torture all the horrible people that have ever lived on Earth. Yeah, that's right. Probably the least effective way to do it is fire. Fire.

Isn't he only technically dead and lives in fire? That's like he's laughing at F. Yeah. Maybe he started the fire after he killed the devil. Could be. But anyways, his fire raised four houses in Kampung Bagan Dalam at Jalan Assumption in Malaysia.

Oh, I've been there. That's one word? No, that's five words. Very impressive, Marcus, by the way. That's not right. Thank you. He actually did say it probably as white as you could. Kampungbagandalam.

That's what it's supposed to sound like. Yeah. The 54-year-old had allegedly set fire to his double-story wooden house at about 7.30 a.m. A neighbor, Wani Azman, 16, said he saw the man screaming that he, quote, had killed the devil after setting the wooden structure alight. A witness said, the fire quickly spread to other houses. I shouted for help and fled from my house with my family members. I then saw the man casually walking away from the scene like nothing happened.

You can't just walk away when you light four houses on fire. Yeah, you can't just start flipping a coin and walking down the street like there's four houses on fire. It was probably... Is there... Did the devil even exist in Malaysia? Like, do they believe in the devil? Oh, definitely.

It's probably... It's like a washing machine or something, you know? Yeah. He saw electricity for the first time and thought it was the devil and tried to set everything on fire.

It's like clearly, like, the devil... I don't know whether or not the devil's there, but clearly, Aladdin on 2nd Genesis is in there. Because if he was a dude that played Aladdin on Psychogenesis, he wouldn't be doing this crazy shit right now.

He wouldn't have that rage in that life. That shit is life-changing. Why? What was the thing? I'm talking about that game is rage-inducing, man. What? The game's hard as fuck. Oh, but it's so good.

It's fun, though, man. That was the first time I was like, wow, I'm playing a cartoon. You can run around, and you got your little fucking sword, and then you can jump on fat dudes, and they's so good. It's fun though, man. That was the first time I was like, wow, I'm playing a cartoon. You can run around and you got your little fucking sword and then you can jump on fat dudes and they spit out apples. That's true. Nothing better than that. I love that game. I don't like Aladdin. He's teaching their fucking kids to be thieves.

What are you talking about? So it's Robin Hood. You don't like Robin Hood? Robin Hood's different. Why? Because he lives in the woods with all his men. And what? Because he...

Never mind. They call him the Prince of Thieves. He's the? Never mind. They call him the Prince of Thieves. He's the Prince of Thieves. He is the Prince of Thieves. Why don't you like Aladdin? How does Aladdin teach people to steal? She's a shifty little fucker. He's stealing bread from everyone trying to feed his fucking genies.

What? He's got to get by, man. Shifty? He's a genie. He's definitely shifty. You see how easy it was for him to lift that bread? He's covered in bugs. Agreed, Jackie.

Agreed. Why is Aladdin covered in bugs? Those aren't even his bugs. What are you, his bugs or are they? You know what, though? I don't give a fuck what y'all say, because that nigga came up. Princess Pet Tigers. Talk about it.

That's true. Talk about it. He did very, very well. Raja. He stole the honor of being a priest. Aladdin did. Yeah. How did that happen?

Yeah, what are you talking about? He wasn't a real prince. Why not? I meant prince. Did I say priest? It doesn't matter. You said priest. I meant prince.

That's fine. Why wasn't he a real prince? Yeah, you're getting the heat madness. He is a prince. Oh, God. He's a prince. Oh, God. Joe, what do you think?

What do you think about Aladdin, Joe? Any of the Arabian Nights stories are great. It's a good collection of folklore. They all got good morals, and it's something to learn from and also be entertained by. Your kids are going to love dinner. Your kids are just going to be so thrilled. Daddy, tell us another story. Please, Daddy. Please, Daddy.

Your kids are going to be getting 10 hours of sleep a night. Tell us a story, Daddy. Man, Jackie's puddling up over here next to you. Exactly. Jesus Christ. Fuck fluoride in the water man If I was the president of the United States I would just force people to hear your voice

For 30 minutes a day Just to put them all to sleep That would be wonderful It would be great What are you talking about? He's got a captivating voice No I know It's soothing

Like when Joe talks I hang on every word That's right That's right But it's also to the point Where it's just like I hang on every word. That's right. That's right. But it's also to the point where it's just like I hang on every word, and I just feel so comfortable. I'm so cozy. I can just shut my eyes and know I'm in the beautiful grace of a man's wonderful voice.

It's a comforting voice. Indeed. It is comforting as fuck. He's only spoken probably six sentences this entire time, but literally every one of them could be a Hallmark card. That's right. One of those that opens up, and you have his voice. Oh, man. That's great. Joe, what would be a Hallmark card. That's right. One of those that opens up and you have his voice. That's great. Joe, what would be a nice... Can you make a Hallmark card, like a get well, like my

mother is really sick. She's got cancer. Could you just give her a nice little message? What is she sick with? She's sick with pancreatic cancer right now. Really? Yeah, she is. That's true. Mrs. Kissel, I hope you're doing well.

She's got pancreatic cancer. Well, I know you're not doing well, but I hope you're doing well. It's a tough time, but I'll make sure that Ben calls you at least once a day to check in and see how you're doing. There are hard times you've got to go through. But just remember to smile. That's amazing! My mother would be so happy.

You just saved her. She doesn't have pancreatic cancer anymore. She's cured. That's great, Joe. Sexual dynamo. Jesus! I am rock hard right Joe. Sexual dynamo. Sexual dynamo. God, he is. Jesus. I am rock hard right now. This is amazing.

Joe Pera. Check him out online. Google him. P-E-R-A. Send him pictures of your tits. Ladies, send Joe Pera every picture of your tits that you can. The best, man. My dick just went out and went through my own butt.

Just to say. Absolutely. Bleeding all over the place. Alright. What's going on? Did he kill the devil, this guy? No casualties were reported and losses were estimated at more than

250,000 ringgits. Which is $4.50. $78,000. Really? Yeah, the Malaysian ringgit is okay, yeah. Okay. Yeah, Chief Minister

Lim Kwan Ing, who is also Bagan MP, later handed over 1,000 ringgits, $300 each, to three of the house owners, while the fourth received 800 ringgits.

Okay, a bunch of ringgits going around. Are you jiggling and laughing about it? Jackie, what's wrong with you? You just like the name ringgits. No, no, I just... Sounds going around. You're jiggling and laughing about it. Jackie, what's wrong with you? You just like the name Ringgits. No, no.

Sounds like an STD. I have nothing to say about it. Jackie made a promise. She is sticky. Do you have to be racist when you talk about things that are from non-America? You know you're still racist if you feel it. All right, Jackie. Say the racist thing you want to say. Jackie's over there like she's got the Holy Ghost in her.

Yeah. Oh, no. Boiling up this entire time. Jackie is red with hidden racism. Jackie, let it out. No, I'm not going to. I fucking won't do it. Not today.

Not today. Do it, Jackie. You're sweating. Do it, Jackie. It's also, it says wheelie chair. I can't be given mobility. I've been shifting. I'm like exercising.

I'm tired. It's a rollie chair, man. You should just go outside and yell nigga a bunch while wearing that Bob Marley shirt. It'll be so confusing. Yeah, very, very true. Well, Jackie, it's nice to see you completely struggle with your racism internally. I have to, like, pee, you know? Yeah, not being able to say racist things is the same feeling as having to piss.

All right, so the ring gets everyone got what they deserved with the house and things like that. I mean, well, a couple of them did get only about $250 for their whole house. And how much was their house actually worth, though? I mean, more than 800 ringgits. I guess so, yeah. You never know. You never know how... $350, $450.

All right. Seems like a nice place to go buy a home, though. Are they like rings? No, they're just, you know, regular dollar bills. Yeah, they're just called ringgits. Oh, okay. Yep. I was wondering if they were, yeah, like special silver rings or something.

I did research on ring gets for doing that. You're welcome. All right. You got a little picture of them or something there. You saw a picture of it. No, you didn't see it. I mean, I didn't do that much. You did done.

You didn't know ring. I just saw what Malaysia's currency was. You did a terrible job, man. What happens if maybe the truth is that maybe you get eight of them. You turn supersonic. You fucking good point. Yeah. You can't read about. job, man. What happens if maybe the truth is that maybe you get eight of them, you turn supersonic? Good point. Yeah, you can't read about.

Good fucking point. Definitely not. Hey, I fucked up that reference, though. That's the Chaos Emeralds. It's not rings. Sorry. I was just about to call you out on that. We all knew about that. But at the same time, though, you can get, what is it, 50 or 100 rings and then you go to the Sonic? I'll stay quiet, though, now.

No, no, no. If you do 50 rings, then you can go to the bonus level. Oh, my God. What are we talking about? If you hit 50 again, you go to Super Sonic again. After that, once you go, get the 8. I just remember the sound. You made the ding, ding, ding, ding.

Do you think Sonic ever... Tonic. Yeah, I'm just an alcoholic. Do you think Sonic ever fucked Tails? Oh, yeah, all the time. You think they banged? Sonic. It was like Garfield and Nermal.

Even as the way Tails was walking, he was always bouncing that butt up and down. Two Tails, man. Tails is a girl, right? Tails is a dude. And Sonic is also a dude. Tails is a little boy, so Tails is a dude. And Sonic is also a dude. Tails is a little boy, so we're bringing that into it. So you're kind of getting, tapping back into your sort of pedophilia.

But Sonic was not necessarily an adult. He was like a cool teenager. He's an 18-year-old dude. Like, yeah, technically he'd get arrested. You know, like them cool-ass teen dudes that fuck kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Those guys are awesome Yeah

Experimenting What was the youngest lady that you had sex with? Stop it Come on Give him a break That's a question You're hounding on him I'm not hounding on him

Yeah you are Sexual dynamo Joe Pera What's the youngest lady you've ever had sex with? I'm not hounding on him. Yeah, you are. Sexual dynamo, Joe Pera. What's the youngest lady you've ever had sex with? I had sex when I was 17 with a 15-year-old. Okay, that's not bad. Oh, wow.

Yeah, it was fine. She turned 16. I think you were so much bigger than she was. Absolutely. You didn't meet her. You never saw her. She was massive. She just was recently over there in Brazil.

She was climbing on a roof. She fell right through it and murdered a man. All right, we can move on here. Ben, what's the fattest chick you ever fucked, Ben? Oh, I've fucked large, large women. She's from North Carolina. Oh, big girl. Yeah, I've had good luck with the small ones also.

I just like a variety. I just mix it up. Ben used to also be, like, you know, big fat. Huge. Ben used to be big fat. How fat were you, Ben? Really? Oh, I was hugely fat. I was about 275.

I was 380 once. Really? Something with the name. I'm telling you, your fat really trumps my fat. But he's so much taller than you, so you have to keep that in mind, you know? And he's got all that extra tit meat. Yeah. Yes, I still have that sweet tit meat.

Man, oh, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day and I was like, who the fuck is that chick? And then I looked up and I'm like, goddammit, that girl's got my face. That's kind of messed up. That's one thing I feel like I've learned is you never look in the mirror. Oh, never look in the mirror?

If I had my way, I would shatter every goddamn mirror on the face of the planet. They're disgusting. You guys don't look in the mirror? I don't look in it. I have one mirror in my bathroom. That's it. I'm barely looking in it. Really? I'm always afraid I'm going to look up and see some haggard old woman behind me with no skin.

I feel that way every time I close a medicine cabinet that has a mirror on it. I won't look into it as I close the cabinet because I'm scared I'm going to see something behind it. It's the best jump scare. It is, and I feel like one day it is going to happen in real life.

Also, on the other side of the shower curtains. Yeah, I always look. Always a dead old man on the other side of the shower curtains. I am scared. Joe, you have like

a closet hard body because I've seen you without your shirt. You've done a couple of sketches without your shirt and it's all fucking rock hard and stuff, but it's like you conceal it so well.

Why are you shy about this? Would you want me to walk around with a shirt on or something? I would love if you took your shirt off. Don't stop it. This is creepy. This is getting really weird. No, but it's like the thing is, niggas need to know that this nigga is sexy. That's right.

Sexual dynamo, Joe Pera. Send him your tit pics, everybody. I know, I feel like it's nicer when I'm not nice to people. People are more comfortable when I'm mean to them. I'm just trying to be nice. I mean, just be normal. Just be normal, dog. I am normal.

We don't want that. We can't be mean to him. I'm not being mean. There's no way to be mean to him. I know, I'm so sad. This dude, he's funnier than everybody, and he's hot as fuck. To where straight dudes, me and Kissel included, I'm sure.

Are talking about how sexy this nigga is. Look at him. Look at him for a second. I challenge you as a straight person listening to this podcast, as a dude, to look at this dude and not be like, maybe I can look on his cheek for a second. I feel like my eyes are going to come. That's interesting.

Joe Farah. All right, let's move on. All right, it's time for a second from home, McNeely. I've never made somebody so angry by just being nice to them. You're wearing them short shorts, showing all that leg. You know what you're doing. He's got his white socks pulled up to his mid-calf. All right.

A second for Marvin Neely. Joe, are you okay? I'm fine. I don't know. It's just uncomfortable. Get used to it, baby. All right. All right.

All right. Restaurant chains. Restaurant chains. That's right. Marcus is a multimillion dollar restaurateur investor, and we're all going to pitch him a restaurant chain that we would sort of run. So, I mean, keep that in mind to people who are pitching it.

We would be kind of running it with you. So I have to take your managerial experience into account. Sure. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what. Mine is based off of a little known restaurant that I went to recently

and had a fucking blast at called Medieval Times. Yeah. But what I was thinking was let's make like a Game of Thrones style like dirty, bloody,

adult Medieval Times. I want to call it Crogdor's Keep. You go in, you go in in rags and shit. We all go in,

you know, like just throw tons of booze in them. Just the whole show while you're eating. It's just tits everywhere. Dudes getting bludgeoned. Real death too. Like just fucking dudes getting fucking blood everywhere. Ripped over like spraying on you and shit. Right. We'll take an elephant in there. We'll fucking kill

the elephant for you. Serve you elephant meat. You're gonna be fucking just drinking booze. You're gonna to be fucking just drinking brews. You're going to become a ravenous person. It's going to be difficult to like stop rape in this place. Like that's how crazy

it's going to be. People just jumping on each other. Just animalistic. Brutal. It's not rape once you walk inside. Sure. You got to sign a waiver.

That was my question. How are we going to get it around the legal legality of it? It's going to be... I'm going to say this right now because I'm going to be honest with you, because I'm looking at going to business with you. Yeah. All right?

Please. It's going to be tough to get this place insured. I'm not... But I know a couple guys. I work in real estate insurance. I think I can make this happen. Buy an island. Yeah.

You're a multimillionaire. Yeah. Let's buy an island. I've got an island. Fuck the restaurant Let's just go to this island Just become animals together Yeah but that's not a restaurant chain

You can't have a restaurant chain of islands That's right How many fucking islands are there? Three islands is a chain Yeah three islands is a chain Yeah it's not a chain Or you just get one big island And make lots of little forts

Yeah Dude A dude fighting a bear In three different places Yeah yeah yeah, yeah Think about it But the bear's like You shave the bear's tits

So you can really see them tits I mean, if you're run If you're the manager there, yes I mean, I'm gonna work Wherever you guys are Of course This is an amazing Fucking venture

It's an amazing venture And we can dress Ed up Like a bear, too Well, that'll be good We even have to dress him up That's good, that's good We can get bears. We don't need to dress up

as bears. I got one. Head chef right here. Yeah, what do you got, Kev? All right, so shit. All right, this is my shit from my restaurant. My shit is called 1770.

And so you go in there and everything costs 1770. But it's a slavery-themed restaurant. So you go into the place and you get nothing but pig skin and fucking ham hocks. All the shit that became black people's staples because of slavery.

Oh, slavery. Oh, no, no. This is different because I'm black. And so you get all the staples and you learn where that shit comes from. But... Learning? You know, listen. Listen to what I'm saying. It's not about the learning. You get all the staples And you learn where that shit comes from But Learning You know listen Listen to what I'm saying

Listen to what I'm saying It's not about the learning You get to eat the horrible food That you might find delicious Because they have to put a lot of Fad salt in it But if it's too much for you to do And you can't deal with it

You go outside There's a cotton farm out there Because Cotton farms are beautiful And that's just a nice patio Where you can see You go out there and drink and look at the cotton. That sounds fun.

A little flash in the past there. It's kind of a good time. There's a lot of weird things going on there. Is it that weird though? Think about what your people did, Marcus. This is a destination restaurant, man. Where you get all your slaves from. Here's the crazy thing about it, right?

We don't got black slaves working. It's Asians. People are confused. What do you think about the idea of Asian slaves, Jackie? I think it's abhorable. Wow, we might actually make it through this podcast. Holy Lord. I'm offended by it.

Damn, Ben Kissel. I can't even, yeah. I know it. I mean, that was just set up for a spike. And Jackie just chooses to let it hit the sand. That's amazing. What a champion. She is so proud right now. And our, you know, everyone. Wow. What a champion. She is so proud right now.

And our, you know, everyone. This is progress. Yeah. This is progress. Let Jackie know you wanted to be racist again on the Facebook page as well. Just let her know. Come back to us, Jackie. It's just so interesting to see, like, how much less you say when you can't be racist.

Yeah. I'll take it into account. 1770. The price point is a little high. Hey, all you can eat. Oh, there we go. All you can eat pig skins and... So it's a soul...

One. One of each. It's an all-you-can-eat soul food restaurant. It's not soul food, dude. It's sad food. I think that's what they need to rename soul food. Just fucking straight sad food. That's funny.

Eddie and I actually spoke about this before. I mean, maybe like a year or so ago. So I have a restaurant idea. I'm going to open it up in Hawaii and in areas around there. And Ed will be my head chef. And Ed will clean. And Ed will be the bartender. And he'll manage everything. And he's going to hire chef. And Ed will clean. And Ed will be the bartender.

And he'll manage everything. And he's going to hire. He's going to fire. And he's going to make great burgers. Some might have a pineapple on them if it's Pineapple Fridays. Whatever it might be. And I'm going to sit at the bar. You have a pineapple with a nice little glaze.

Whatever you want to make for that day, Ed. And Ed will go there early. And I'll sit at the bar, and I'll drink for free, because I own the fucking place. And so then Ed will be... You're not really drinking for free if you own the place. Well, okay, so you know what? Ed pays for everything. So Ed pays for everything, and then we're just going to call the restaurant

Kissel's. That's it? That's your whole idea? Yeah. Is that Ed does everything, and you call it Kissel's? And I drink for free. That's it. That's your whole idea? Yeah. Is that Ed does everything and you call it Kissel's? And I drink for free. And by the way. That's it. And by the way, where are you building restaurants around Hawaii? You know.

The outskirts. Your rural places. The outskirts of Hawaii? There are no outskirts of Hawaii. It's an ocean restaurant. You mean Japan? Jesus. Oh, I'll go to Japan. Wherever you'll have it. It's an ocean restaurant. You mean Japan? I'll go to Japan. Kissel's will be huge in Japan. As long as you can drink for free, I think it does.

It's consequential. You know what? No. If I'm the investor here, I'm paying for you to drink for free. Absolutely. Thank you. It's a can't lose. Turn down. Joe. What? You need to get the weight to the end to the final. it's a can't lose turn down

Joe what you're gonna get to wait to the end to the final oh man I got a restaurant idea for you the name of the place

is called spaghetti spaghetti spaghetti what do they serve there it's like a general menu You can get anything God damn it

Do you know that he loves spaghetti? I love spaghetti You get hamburgers You get sandwiches You got like chicken entrees Do you have spaghetti? hamburgers. You got sandwiches. You got chicken entrees. Do you have spaghetti? It's a special.

I like it. Seems like a good restaurant to me. Buffet style? It's just a diner. It's a diner. It's a diner called Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti. It's a great name though. It's a diner. It's a diner. It's a diner called Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. It's a great name, though. It is a great name.

It's a great name. I mean, that's on the board, right? Yeah. We could call it like Triple Spags. I don't know. We should probably call it Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. All right.

Ben Epps, I'm jumping over to you. What do you got? Okay. All right. Well, I, I'm jumping over to you. What do you got? Yeah, okay. All right. Well, I just wanted to come up with an idea that kind of takes us back to our youth. The name of the restaurant is Lunchtables, which is a play on Lunchables, right? And so we will serve all of our meats as unrecognizable small circles, and they'll be in little cordoned bento boxes, little plastic trays,

ecto-cooler high-C boxes, naturally. And one of the main features I want to highlight is that when you come into the restaurant, there's someone at the door, a bouncer, just a manager, that will seat you according to your popularity, beauty, or special interests. Right, like the high school lunch table. Absolutely. So you sit at lunch tables, you have the jocks at one table, the nerds at another table probably playing Magic the Gathering,

and you've got the hot chicks being generally beautiful and asshole-ish. Right. Yeah, so that's Lunchtables. I like Lunchtables, yeah. I also like the boulders. I will never be allowed to be in there. So far, trading your desserts is encouraged.

Yeah. Sadly enough, that could actually be a legitimate business. Amazing. All right, cool. Too much realism here. Jackie. All right. So I can't be racist, but you didn't say I can't be sexist. Nope. So it's called Pinch and Poach. I don't think anyone said you couldn't be racist either.

I took the day off. I'm taking the day off for America. Okay, so what's the name of your... Pinch and poach. Okay. So you walk in the door. You get a number. The number is attached to a woman.

The woman is naked. Everyone gets a woman. So you basically have to bet money, and this is the money that you're paying for your meal, to watch them poach your food that they will later on cook for you, and if they can't cook it for you, then you can stone them to death.

Oh, wow. Holy shit. But they're naked, and they're oiled up, so they keep slipping and sliding all over the place, and so that's really funny. And things you get a lot, you get popcorn and salamis for like appetizers. Poached salami?

No, no, no. Salami's the appetizer. So that you can eat something while you watch the entertainment. Is it all eggs? Eggs? Yeah, you can't use all, you only poach eggs, right? Oh, no, I mean you're, no, no. You're poaching, like you're a poacher. Hunting. Oh, you're hunting. Yeah, like we're gonna eat gator.

Yeah, yeah. Or like rhinos. It just depends on where the chain is in the world. If it's in Australia, if it's in Africa, if it's in America. Yeah, yeah. For the world traveler. Women of all types, of all races are allowed to be subjugated to this restaurant. Okay.

So we both have naked women in our restaurant Let me ask you Jackie Just ballpark How many women will die Per restaurant Per month It depends on the population Of the closest town

Okay Alright let's say So say we got one outside of Melbourne Okay yeah yeah yeah Pretty big city How many women So you're saying the rules of the place Australia or Florida Melbourne Florida

There's a Melbourne Florida Oh yeah Really Yeah my father ran over an alligator. Oh. Yeah. Interesting. That's great.

So, say outside of Melbourne, large city, how many women are we going through in a month? The slowest ones. However slow, the slowest ones you can catch. She will not give a number. She's snaking around a number right now. She is snaking around. Because it's not like, you know, slow women genocide. I'm not saying genocide here. I'm just saying

the ones you catch. The ones you catch. Alright. The thing is, the ones you catch tend to be less attractive. Yeah, that's why you gotta mix them up. You gotta like... Well, stupid. Now there we go. There's an angle.

No, I mean, Jackie, you are truly a pinnacle of feminism. And I think it's true. I could not agree with that statement more. They need more people like you. I agree. You should just call it niggas. And it's just, no, not today. Today is the worst day.

And right when I said that, I was like, well, today was probably the worst day for me to say that. But at the same time, you know what? It's kind of fun. Yeah. I mean, it sounds like a lot of fun. She's being snaky. She is being a little snaky. That is true.

I am a lady. Lady is snaky. However, that restaurant does sound kind of like where, like, From Dusk Till Dawn 4 would be set. Yeah. And I like that. Yeah, that's kind of awesome. All right. We got Eddie here next. You know, it's so weird that my idea was oddly similar to Jackie's.

It's not that weird. I feel like I should try to come up with something else real quick. Yeah. Unless you just want to invest in Kissel's. That's the thing, man. I got a job for you. I'm not going to go with Kissel. Why not?

I got a job at your place. Eddie, that's ridiculous. You love it when I get drunk at your bar and I talk to you all the time and I make you laugh all the time and you're sweating and working and upset. I'm going to open up a... Alright, my place is called Disney Treats.

And so basically you order by the Disney movie. So you order Bambi, you get deer, you get rabbit, you get skunk. You get a little mermaid. You order a little mermaid, it's a big seafood platter.

You order a lion king. An actual lion? No, black people. Oh, I see. And then let's see, what other Disney movies are there? Aladdin, you would get nothing. Or you'd have to steal from the people next to you. Okay, you've got to steal from the little mermaid there.

Like an adventure type thing. Okay, I like that. I always like interactive stuff. Yeah, yeah. Mulan, you know, you would get, what do they eat over there? Rice and dragon meat. Yeah, rice and dragon meat. It's tough to get dragon meat. And then some dragon meat. You talk to the dragon meat.

And then, you know, you're just getting this tour of the globe through Disney movies and you eat dishes from everywhere across the world. The problem with this. Getting the rights. Yeah. That's my biggest problem here is the rights. Disney has some horrible lawyers. All right.

So we'll call it the Lion Prince with L-Y-I-N, you know, and then we're fine. Instead of Aladdin, it's... You'll never get sued by Disney. No, instead of Aladdin, it's Greasy Shifty Doo with a monkey friend. Greasy Shifty Doo with a monkey friend. Legally, you're totally safe. I think that's fine.

That sounds like rush hour. All right. Here's what I'm going to say. Okay. I'm going with Krogdor's Keep. But, yes! Whatever, Marcus. However, my father... Can I go back to my original idea real quick?

No. No? Take these backseats. However... Alligator Eddie's. You bash the alligators in the head with a hammer. Oh, Alligator Eddie's. Oh, man. I'll get drunk at that bar. Marcus, let Alligator Eddie's, you bash the alligators in the head with a hammer. Oh, Alligator Eddie's. Oh, man, I'll get drunk at that bar.

Marcus, let Alligator Eddie's have it. I want to get drunk at the bar. Don't change your opinion. No, man, because I want to hit alligators in the head with a hammer. I'm about to make my victory. How does a remolet close the teeth out of the alligators so they can't bite you and just smash them in the head with a hammer until they're done? Alligator Eddie's, and it's got a great name.

I can sit at the bar. Marcus, you can hang out with me. All right. Here's what I'm saying. I'm going to invest in Crogdor's Keep. Yeah. However, I've got an uncle that would love Alligator Eddie's. He's not the only one.

We're talking all of America is going to love Alligator Eddie's. Yeah. However, also, my father, who is a very nice man, and who Joe would get along with great, would love to invest in spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. All right. He's investing in three out of the fucking seven. I can't believe he didn't invest in lunch tables. Actually, I would change it to High School Lunch, though,

is the name of the restaurant, I think. And also, what happens when a nerd and a super hot girl walk in together? Because you know rich nerds got super hot girls. Yeah, fuck it. Split them up. Oh, okay. Well, I got to tell you, Holden, I rich nerds got super hot girls. Yeah, fuck it. Split them up. Oh, okay. Well, I got to tell you, Holden, I'm not very good with my money. Yeah.

Crop Doors Keep, dude. There's a fucking weed room. It's going to be fucking so cool. I can't wait for this. It's stupid, Marcus. You can't just do three out of fucking seven options. I would have fucking won. That's right.

Big Kissel, you can play a dragon in the show. Put me in the show. All right, you could be a fucking... Princess. The king's farts. See, the thing about alligator meat is you don't have to necessarily eat the tail. You can eat the eyes.

You can eat the snot. Ooh, the tongue. I'm talking about... My uncle's already Giving you money, Eddie You don't have to Keep selling it I'm trying to get Another location

Oh, right That's the round table Of gentlemen For this Sunday Marcus, Native Americans Just fucking That's Jackie's bro They'll build teepees

They'll blow the fire In the teepees They'll fucking Uh-oh, she's very Thank you so much For being here Joe Perra, Sexual Dynamo Thank you, Joe, so much It was wonderful to have you Thank you, just for being here. Joe Perra, Sexual Dynamo. Thank you, Joe, so much.

It was wonderful to have you. Thank you. Thanks for having me. Good job, Jackie. I can't believe you did it. Thank you. Yeah.