The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 155: Tocheloshe

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a couple of pranksters sends a group of Christian campers to the hospital with a potent fart spray, a hairy sex dwarf terrorizes a town in Africa, and an Oregon town refuses to erect a five foot tall statue of a chicken commemorating a car crash.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. Is it good to go? Alright, dear Satan, let's all put our hands on let's all put our hands on

Edward's hemorrhoids. Just touch him, please, everybody. Let's pray for his hemorrhoids here. We're going to pray that those poisonous polyps... That's right. Pop him, Holden. Pop him, Holden. Pop him, Shabai. Dearum shabai don't pop him that's right pop him Holden pop him Holden humnum shabai dear Satan

please pop Ed's poisonous polyps protruding from his asshole so he can poop properly and have a help happy healthy week I'm never gonna be better

Satan help him I said help him be better so he can poop properly and have a solid stool. Hail Satan. Ed could barely sit down last night.

It was a fucking nightmare for him. I feel bad. I'm sick of watching movies standing up. Help this man, fire-redeeming creature from below. Help this man's asshole indeed. Amen, Satan. All right, that's the roundtable of gentlemen. We have a very light house here tonight.

Chess is just so hard when you're standing up. You think you're... Chess is so hard? It's hard to get in the mood. Because you were playing chess standing up because you couldn't sit down because your asshole burnt that bad. Switch up your activities, make it play chess. Ping pong. Ping pong is for you right now.

Chess is not supposed to be a contact sport. You're not supposed to cry and get injured playing chess, Eddie. All right. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen. Let's just go around the table.

Jackie's not here. Kevin's going to sit in for her. Kevin Barnett's friend, also named Kevin. Thanks for being here, Kevin. Thank you. Thank you. All right.

Ed Larson, squirt, squirt. Goes the blood. There it is. From your asshole. Oh, to make me a lead. Hey, all the ladies out there, I'm still in a relationship but maybe someday.

Oh, it's very, very close to ending. Maybe someday soon you get a little fucking junk shot from this boy. All right. Everybody wants it. Kevin Barnett, none of that shit's ever

going to happen for holding. That's true. That's a very, very good fact. How you doing, Kevin? Good, man. I don't got no voice, man. I've been drinking. Yeah, what were you drinking? Where were you drinking? You were in Canada? I was in Canada. For the Montreal Comedy Festival?

Yes. It was wild? It was crazy, man. Fucking any chicks over there? Oh, yeah, man. A couple people had sex with me. Did you party with any big-name comedians? A little bit. I mean, Chappelle, I was kind of hanging around his people, whatever, but I didn't talk to him too much. He had like a whole posse there, though?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. A posse of people. Yeah. That's that Black Cowboy movie. Yeah, no, he was actually... It is a Black Cowboy movie. With Mario Van Peebles. Oh, the Van Peebles!

The best Van Peebles. I'm telling you. If you just hear the name Mario Van Peebles, you don't picture a black dude, right? You picture a Frenchman? Italian man, Mario. Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, it's one of the best last names I've ever heard. Van Peebles.

So you're hanging out with Dave Chappelle? Not really. I mean, I didn't talk to him too much, but I went to his show. I was backstage and his whole crew and the people, they were all. But they came to the party that everybody was at. It was weird. It was weird that he was there. That's fucking awesome.

He just wore his hoodie, and he's way bigger than he is muscular-wise now, so people didn't know it was him. Right. He must be strong in Africa. Yeah. He went to Africa for that little thing. What? What?

All right. I'm Ben Kissel. We'll hear more about Montreal, I hope, because I was not there, and I want to know all about it. All right. Let's get to a new story. Marcus, what's going on, buddy? To most, smelling another person's flatulence is an unpleasant experience.

But the world's first case study of a man who was sexually aroused by other people passing wind has now been published. Just now they're getting into this? It's been around for a while, hasn't it? Farting on cakes. Farting on cakes is watching someone fart.

This is a person who is aroused by the smell and the act of farting. Okay. Yeah, yeah. It's called aproctophilia. All right. And they're studying it in a 22-year-old man from Illinois. The man who has been given the pseudonym Brad states that he is, quote, not sexually attracted to flatulence per se, but the person releasing the flatulence.

You know you have a bizarre sexual fetish when you have to go with a pseudonym. You know, and you can't even put your own name behind the thing that you're into. Like, that's kind of sad. If you're gonna pick a pseudonym, pick something like Mr. Pastrami. Sure. Not Brad. Who gives a fuck? It's like me saying, hey, call me Steve

now. Yeah, that's true. Are you into farts? We could. I'm into my own farts. And I want to ask, all right, you're into farts. You're into smelling farts. My own, yeah. Where do you, no, other people's farts. Oh, okay.

Where do you go? Where do I go? You know, Taco Bell. Taco Bell? You know, you got to go to the dump. Okay. You got to go to where unhealthy people are because they got the best farts, the docks. I'm seeing like a barbecue joint.

Actually, you know, a lot of times, these vegan people, man, people eat a lot of, you know, they, the beans. I don't want best farts. The Docs. I've seen like a barbecue joint. Actually, you know, a lot of times, these vegan people, man, people eat a lot of, you know, the beans. I don't want their farts. I want meat farts. They have the stinkiest farts. I actually know a guy who is into fart shit, and I thought he was joking. Okay, what's his name? Brad?

I'm not going to say his name. We'll call him Brad. We'll call him Brad. But he was just like, I remember him talking about it at a party one time. It was some hot ass girl, and she was like walking up the stairs like, oh man him talking about it at a party one time. It was some hot ass girl. And she was like walking up the stairs like, oh, man, bro. She's walking up the stairs. I just wanted to fart in my fucking face, bro.

And I was like, what? And he said, yeah, I want to fart in my fucking mouth. And then he went up there and he got her to fart in his mouth. What? Really? Yeah. She farted in his mouth. And he loved it. People love new experiences.

Really? And so what? Was it only women that he liked to have fart in his mouth? Yeah, only girls he liked having fart in his mouth. But it's a strange thing to think. It's like fart in someone's mouth is kind of intimate. He didn't even make out with that girl. She just farted.

She was like, all right, well, that's kind of weird. Let me fart in your mouth. Well, he more than made out with her. Yeah. I mean, she's way beyond making out. Well, she was just there. I think she was wearing like a light skirt or something. And she just.

So he didn't so much get the shart. He mostly just got the airy fart. Yeah, he just took the whole thing, his cheeks puffed out and everything. How was she? His cheeks puffed out! He took a whole fart. Puffed out like a chipmunk

eating a bunch of nuts. It was a second and a half of a fart. And so when he told you, I want that chick to fart into my mouth, and then your reaction was like, well, that's all right. Was he like, no, I'm just kidding around.

No, I thought he was joking. He went and did it. Oh, that's great. Did she have like a huge ass? She had a good ass. It was, well, no, it was? No, I thought he was joking. He went and did it. Oh, that's great. Did she have a huge ass? She had a good ass. Well, no, it was huge, but it was nice. It was nice. I'm telling you, man, liberal arts.

You break into a female dorm room. How are the titties? Oh, yeah, she was hot. I mean, you break into a female liberal dorm room. All those girls going through their vegan phase, those bathrooms smell potent. Vegans are intense. And I think he actually ended up fucking that girl, and I think her mentality was, if he's going to let me fart in his mouth, he'll at least take me to a nice dinner at some point.

Sure. So she understood. She got it. I didn't work out. I wouldn't think that. I mean, if you're a lady, if you're a lady and a man just wants you to fart, I feel like it's almost a liberating thing, because women are always like, oh, I have to fart so bad, but I can't fart.

Girls don't fart. He's not going to want to fuck me if I fart. But if you know you're with a dude who's just like, let it go, baby. That's how I get hard. That's how I cum. That makes your life a lot easier. I guarantee it.

Well, that, you've got to produce farts all the time. I agree that it makes it harder. Well, it depends if he's demanding the fart at like 10, 10 p.m. Every 10, 10 p.m. you must be tooting. Or if he's just like, whenever you've got to go, baby, just let it breathe. If it's like that, I guarantee you, hot-ass girls are just full of farts. 10 10 p.m every 10 10 p.m you must be tooting or if he's just like whenever you gotta go baby just

let it let it breathe it's like that i mean i guarantee you hot ass girls are just full of farts they got hours of farts just left in there just waiting because yeah yeah the people ain't expecting the hot girls just be farting all the time true you saw a hot ass like a maxim model right just walking in the streets just farting her career her career is over it's done what are you into mostly farts that's you's done. What are you into? Mostly farts. You're done. So if you fart into a mouth, it never even leaves.

It never gets out into the air. That fart has been saved by that dude's mouth. Like Kirby. Like Kirby. Remember that Kirby's Dreamland? Yeah. All he would do is suck in shit. Suck it in sofas and stuff.

Now, Ben, a little bird told me that you like chicks to piss in bowls for you. No, man. That's Kep. Yeah. Kep is a roommate. He's not a bird. No, I don't like chicks to piss in birds. Piss in birds.

Piss in birds. No, I don't like chicks to piss in bowls. We were having a conversation with our friend, Kellen. He's a raging homosexual. He's a nice fella. And he was trying to say about how, like, oh like oh you know people are judging me for being gay and so i just exaggerated uh you know sexuality so when you say exaggerated that means there was something to exaggerate from so what was the original point that got you to pissing in bulls you've just had

them piss for you man i'm just not gonna say that i'm a great musician but i will say that i enjoy what musicians like and that means putting certain cameras in certain positions that might be in a bathroom. It doesn't matter. Alright. Well, you asked the question earlier as to whether Kevin's... I feel like that's fine. I think it's fine. You asked the question earlier as to whether

Kevin's friend was into just girls or girls and guys. This guy, Brad, he likes both girls and guys. It doesn't matter to him. He said that his first experience with a proctophilia, it was when he heard that a girl that he had a crush on in school had passed wind during a lesson. He said, this blew my mind.

Farts. A simple world for this man. I love it. A fart is colorblind, is sex blind, you know, it's really beautiful. Although, do you think you can smell the difference between a gender

based on the fart? You don't think so, KB? But you think so, Ed? I think women's farts smell a little more feminine. You think so? Even if they stink real bad, you can smell the care. Really? I think women's farts smell a little more feminine. You think so? No, man. Even if they stink real bad, you can smell the care. Really? I think so.

It's more of a concern for animals and PETA and stuff like that. My mother has really horrible, disgusting farts. Your mother has no compassion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No compassion either. And you can smell that in her farts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have horrible, disgusting farts.

That's right. But there are a difference. Hers fill up the room also but there is a distinct smell. My mom farts and my dad I always knew who farted in my house.

Right. You could always tell by the stink. It's like a fingerprint. Right. Yeah. Alright. But you think that a female

fart smells worse. I'm not sure about farts specifically but at least somebody taking a horrible shit it is the same. Because I'll say this. The one thing I know is that one time when I first moved to the city and I was working at Hollister,

I went there to interview. There was one of the hottest girls I've ever seen in my life. And she went in the bathroom right before me. Oh, you were talking about the story in the subway. Yeah. It was a long-ass time ago. She went there for like 15 minutes. She comes out.

Well, eight of those minutes were crying. Whoa. I mean, during the shit, though. She was dressed nice as shit. She's in there for like 15 minutes. I go in there after her. The place reeks like suffocating. Like, I fucking couldn't even breathe.

But now your friend Brad would have been totally into that. And that would have been like his space camp. He would have been floating around and everything. The worst part about it was I flipped up the the toy because she had the whole toy seat down I think it smelled that bad with the toy seat and the cover down that's so I flipped it up to go pee and there was diarrhea sauce all the way down the entire length of the toilet oh god I love diarrhea sauce it sounds like something you sprinkle on diarrhea after you've already done it to make it smell a little bit better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what happened? So you had to look at this woman in the face after she knew that you knew that she just fucking sharted and shat all over that bathroom. She definitely had some guilt in her eyes when she walked out and saw me. Absolutely. Wonderful. Yeah. And did you try to parlay that into a sexual situation?

Because you could have. She would have done whatever you wanted her to do if you would have just addressed the situation. She was already gone by the time I got out of the bathroom. Oh, she just pulled it out. Oh, she wasn't working there. She was just the... She actually did work there, but that was before I actually got the job. I was just interviewing her. I never saw her again. So now, was working at Hollister the fucking worst job

in the world? There was some niggas there, man. I was working there overnight, and there was like some hood ass. It was the hood. Yeah, it was. Oh, you did the stock boy shit. I did the stock shit. My brother did that in Abercrombie and Fitch, actually.

He would come in and work all night and unbox clothes. Yeah, yeah, no. Well, that's the difference, isn't it? I thought you were one of those guys on the outside with the six-pack abs all cut up and stuff. Yeah, just wearing a bathing suit. Getting girls to come in. No, I never looked like that. You were the stock boy.

Yeah, so when you clarify that, when you talk about working at Hollister. I would have guessed stock boy. Well, you know. Working at Hollister. We're just being realistic about how everybody looks in today, right now. So when I was working in Washington, what were you doing? I was a janitor at a local bodega. What were you doing?

I was a janitor at a local bodega. Well, our man that has a proctophilia, he engaged in his first act as a 16-year-old when he heard a male friend pass wind in front of him. He said, it was rather appealing and sound, and I found myself fixating on it. At first, I didn't want to admit I was into his farting, but eventually I decided to experiment. I didn't want to admit I was into his farting, but eventually I decided to experiment. I set up a bet at some point and intentionally lost, with the wager being the right to fart in the loser's face for a week. I continued to lose such bets once every few weeks for about two years. This is a brilliant maneuver.

That is a brilliant maneuver. At what point, Eddie, do you figure out that Brad just loves to be farted on? I mean, I just stopped betting with him, you know, forcing me to fart on him. People are going to start talking about that anyway. Right. I mean, now you're the guy who just farts on your friend constantly. Do you ever fart in your hand and then smell it? Not really. It's not bad.

You should try it sometime. Thank you, Ed. Ed, you don't need to fart in your hand. Your farts fucking fill up literally a room to capacity. Every once in a while, just give it a shot. It's unbelievable. Kevin, what do you think about all this now? Kevin, Kevin's friend from Florida.

You're in law school. Yeah. And I know there has been some previous situations that have existed on the record books where someone gets arrested for farting on somebody's face. They call it assault. Really? They absolutely have.

I have not read any case law on that, but I'm sure there has been a case. What do you think about this fart situation? Is it more of an assault situation or a pleasurable scent? I'm going to have to go pleasurable scent. You like the fart. I'm not going to go like, but I can dig it. I can see where someone can dig it, yeah.

How come? I don't know. It's just, you know, it's like kinky talk. You got to change it up sometimes. What I love too is that in your mouth from what you don't know what's that part

I don't know I mean that's the thing so you're in bed you're in bed with somebody and they propose the fart idea I mean what do you do I guess

there must be a woman should I start proposing my farts in bed instead of just farting yeah oh yeah ask him I mean God knows

or just fart be like I did it for you I did it for oh you I did it for you. Oh, you're not into that. Oh, what the fuck? You know what? To disregard the next ten farts. I don't even think about the next ten farts.

I'm going to blow all over your body. This frigid bitch. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What's interesting to me is from what you just said, it's really not just the smell and everything, but really the sound is what gets them off. The sound of a good rip. This is said by the professor who wrote this case study.

He said, So as a straight man, I like a bustier gal. So is a silent but deadly fart sort of like a flat chested woman? Yeah, right? I still like women. I'm still like, I like her pussy. So it's really the sound and then the odor is the second follow up. It's both. It's the sound and the

smell. Because I also wonder if maybe like he listens to like audio recordings of just fucking fart blasts. Like in Kingpin when he just fell No, what was it? Big Lebowski when he just listens to Bowling Strikes. Yeah, he just sits there and listens to fart smells. Maybe has some doo-doo stink, something he smells. Sure, like a candle, a doo-doo candle.

Yeah, like some poopy candle. Does he have a poopy candle, Marcus? I feel like there's a market for a fart candle. You know, right? There's fart sprays. Oh, I've got a story about fart sprays. Oh, really? A perfect impromptu segue.

Yeah, it's great. A potent mixture of fart spray and deer repellent intended to be a prank turned serious Wednesday when more than a dozen campers from the Christian-rung camp Woe Me Too in Jarrettsville, Maryland had to be... Woe Me Too have had sex with the pastor. It had to be decontaminated while six were hospitalized

due to physical reactions. Really? According to the Falston Patch, the Hartford County hazmat team was called to the camp at around 10 p.m. Wednesday after initial reports that a 16-year-old boy

needed medical assistance for eye and respiratory irritation. Shortly after that, however, additional medical units had to be sent to the camp to treat more than a dozen patients with similar symptoms. A hazmat team later concluded that deer spray in a product known as

liquid ass had been sprayed. I know liquid ass. You have liquid ass on it? I mean, I have it right now, but that's different. Oh, it's a different liquid ass. I thought it was just called Eddie's Hole. They sprayed it in two cabins, and it resulted in the emergency services being called.

They called the hazmat team for liquid ass and deer spray, right? Yeah, liquid ass and deer repellent. Where was this again? This was in Maryland. Oh, come on. I never heard of this liquid ass before. Yeah, I never heard of this either, man. This is just a fun and games.

I was a big stink bomb kid when I was young. One time when I went to South Carolina, south of the border, I just bought a shit ton of stink bombs. Me and my buddy Corey,

he's a teacher now. That's good. Every day we used to go stink bomb the flower store. So what do you do when you stink bomb it? What? Do you have to light

a stink bomb on fire or you just throw something in there? It's a little glass thing and you smash it on the ground. Like Batman. Yeah, yeah? It's a little glass thing and you smash it on the ground. Like Batman. Yeah, yeah. It's a little glass guy.

Yeah, we had him too. Yeah, and you smash. Those are great. That's just more of a primitive liquid ass. Yeah, and there's also the spray too. And the spray's fun, but it doesn't stay as long. Dude, a stink bomb. Yeah, those little glass ones.

It's like, dude, it fucking makes the whole space reek for a very long time. I just feel like you put a lot of glass on the floor. It seems a little dangerous. Well, who gives a fuck? I was 11, 12. We used to do an office max, too. That's nice. I like that.

Here's why the mixture was so particularly bad, because deer repellent has the smell of rotten eggs. Okay. So it's rotten eggs and farts. To bring deer closer, they spray piss. Here's a review from Amazon. One reviewer wrote, For some reason, I thought this would be the funniest prank ever.

Problem is, I can't even touch the bottles. The bottles themselves smell so bad, it gets on your fingers and anything else it comes in contact with. The smell is pretty putrid. I can't even describe it. My advice, wear gloves. Yeah, wear gloves. That was a pretty putrid. I can't even describe it. My advice, wear gloves. Yeah, wear gloves. That was a review for Liquid Ass? For Liquid Ass, yeah.

This is sort of the equivalent of bottled water, isn't it? Like, you can just get water anywhere. And you can also just get fart smell anywhere. Just create it yourself. Well, I don't know, man. Here's what the Liquid Ass manufacturer's website says. Liquid Ass is a uniquely stinky butt crack smell in a bottle. is a uniquely stinky butt crack smell and a bop.

Uniquely stinky butt crack smell. God, it's like I run this company. How aren't you the CEO of this, Eddie? I'm bugging out. My first million, I'm buying Liquid Ass. But if you don't have the money for Liquid Ass, just eat a burrito. I mean, you can make this at home. Yeah, but how do you bottle that? I mean if you don't have the money for liquid ass just eat a burrito I mean you can really you can make this at home

yeah but how do you bottle that I mean how do you contain it when you're bottling shit you're not gonna get sick off a liquid ass like you would get like diphtheria if you sprayed a bunch of shit

on people diphtheria or what that's the most medical term I've ever heard you say exactly I was thinking about when the fuck did he did you hear that Kevin

how did that come out of your lips just now diphtheria yeah what are you googling you didn't even notice you guys don't know the disease that shit I was thinking about that. When the fuck did he have it? Did you hear that, Kevin? How did that come out of your lips just now? Diphtheria? Yeah. What are you Googling? How do you know this? You guys don't know the disease that shit gives you when you eat it?

How is this the only medical thing that you know? And you just said it like you've been thinking about this for years, Eddie. God damn. I think he made it up. I think he made up a word. Like you dip your cone in shit and you get sick. Your cone? The only medical word that just flew off your tongue. Wow, we uncovered it.

This is amazing. It's characterized by a sore throat, low fever, and an adherent membrane on the tonsils, pharynx, and or nasal cavity. Every time I write about something on this show, people get up in arms. It's a rare thing. It's not a rare thing. It's inferior. I write a lot. It's a rare thing. It's not a rare thing. Diphtheria. Diphtheria. I am right a lot. You're a dickhead.

You only know science if it's about ass. It's about shit related stuff. I know animal stuff. He does know animal stuff. Yeah. He does know animal stuff. He knows some animal stuff. In 1613, Spain experienced an epidemic of diphtheria.

The year is known as el año de las garritillos. Year of the dip. Year of the diphtheria. The year is known as El Año de los Garretillos. Year of the dip. Year of the dip. Translation. The year of strangulations. Ooh. Yeah. And this is a deadly disease, diphtheria.

Yeah. It can be deadly, yes. I get to see Ed just like as a kid, just waking up one morning like, I gotta learn about what my ass can do to the world. Changing this place for the worst. I got one weapon. That's right.

I'm going to learn how to use it. It's a cannon. Send me to Iraq. Indeed. What happened to these kids using that liquid ass? Did they get in major trouble? Six of them. They don't say what happened to the kids who sprayed the liquid ass.

All I know is that six kids went to the hospital. For what? Respiratory and eye infection. They couldn't breathe and shit. Yeah, they couldn't breathe or see. Why do cops use mace? Why don't they use liquid ass? I think it's mostly the beer repellent that got these kids sick. Yeah, exactly.

You can't mix liquid ass and beer repellent. We all know that shit. Everybody knows that. It's a superhuman. Yeah, and what was it? Napalm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. You can't mix liquid acid and beer repellent. We all know that shit. Everybody knows that. It's a superhuman. Yeah, and what is it? Napalm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, do y'all ever make napalm when you were kids?

Once. Yeah. How do you make napalm? With tinfoil in the soda bottle with styrofoam. Gasoline and styrofoam. What? That makes napalm? Tinfoil too, right?

I didn't use tinfoil. We used tinfoil, orange juice. Napalm's a gas, right? No, it's kind of a sticky, gel-like substance. It's a metal that melts when it hits your body. Yeah, that's why it's so bad is because it sticks to your body as it burns. Burns. You ever see the picture of the kid with napalm all over him?

No. How'd he do? You know, he's famous for the picture. He survived. Or she survived. It was a girl. Oh, okay. Yeah.

He's not doing good these days. No, it's not a good thing to have happen to you. All right. So that's how you make napalm, kids. So go out there. Make sure you make a batch for yourself. Throw it on some friends. How does it not burn through the bottle?

Hmm? How does it not burn through the bottle? You make it in a bottle? You have to light it on fire. Yeah, it explodes. Yeah. Oh. Or else you just shake it and throw it.

Yeah, there's an ignition device usually. Right. And then the bottle explodes and the shit just goes everywhere. Did you burn a cow with this, Marcus? No, but I did shoot cows with the potato gun I made from the same cookbook. Okay. Well, it doesn't seem nearly as bad as Naples. You had the anarchist cookbook?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I loved it. But I also cross-referenced it with other websites as to see which recipes killed you. Oh, gosh. Some recipes will killed you. Oh, God. Some recipes will kill you. Man, I can't believe you're still on the loose. I used to just read about animals and just learn about their facts and what they ate.

Love them. That was what I did. Yeah. Interesting. I did that, too. We've discussed this. You taste a difference when you beat an animal. When you beat the cow with the potatoes, it does taste a little bit different.

It does. Yeah. Tenderizing. Yeah, it's a tenderizing thing. Back when I was a kid, I would just draw faces on my penis and make it talk to me. What did it say? Oh, you know, stay home. Don't leave the house.

You do bad things when you leave the house. Hey, hey. And I'd be like, thank you, Mr. Hat, because he had a little top hat on him. Because I found a tiny top hat in the store. Yeah, yeah. And he'd be like, thank you, Mr. Hat, because he had a little top hat on him because I found a tiny top hat in the store. Yeah, yeah. And he'd be like, don't leave, don't leave.

That's when the ghouls get you, you know, because then I'd go, if I ever left the house, oh, some house, something else was set on fire or something like that. That's just what happened.

Yeah, I tried to stay home as much as humanly possible. And then I made it, I turned it into a volcano after that. Kevin's friend, Kevin, what do you want to get, what do you want to get sprayed with more? Pepper spray or liquid ass or get hit with a potato gun? Is that all my options?

Oh, that's it. Those are your options. That's it. You're protesting something. Something's gone wrong in your local community. You're upset. Oh, I need this in my life? Yeah.

I'm going to have to go with pepper spray. Pepper spray is where you're going. I feel like I'm going to do it justice Yeah I agree This is why cops need to use liquid ass Everyone wants to be pepper sprayed Definitely a potato gun can kill you Oh sure

Yeah I'm going liquid ass But you can dodge a potato gun That's the thing I was going to say potato gun is where I would go No you can dodge it though You can dodge it I got quick twitch muscle fiber man A lot of it

Like That's what slavery did So That's right I have a lot of that. Like, that's what slavery did. That's right. I have a lot of that, so I can dodge a potato gun pretty quickly. Irish always throw potatoes at you. That's the thing. The most racist of all the whites, the Irish,

made the strongest of all the people, the blacks. It's a terrible, vicious cycle that I don't fucking love. God damn it. All right, Marcus, let's go to another news story. Women are living in fear of a hairy sex dwarf reported to suck on his unsuspecting victims. All right. Say that one more time. Women are living in fear of a hairy sex dwarf reported to suck on his unsuspecting victims.

Okay. You said it right. Kevin's friend, Kevin, where were you last night? I was apparently hanging out with that new story, I don't know. The creature known as Tokoloshe has apparently been causing havoc in the village Bethany in Namibia. He's a man, they're calling him a creature? He's in southern Africa and he's been doing it since early this year.

The Tokoloshe sexually abused us, reported Federica Gawias, a 37-year-old mother of six. Gawias said that she was shocked by the ordeal and is very afraid as this unexplained phenomenon presents a particular kind of hell for women in the village. Another woman who reportedly suffered the torment of the breast-sucking Tokoloshe refused to speak out of fear. It's just a guy, right? They made a man a god? He's just a groper. Like, Park Slope had the Park Slope

groper, a small Mexican fella. He was a midget. Yes, a small midget Mexican fella, but they made him a god. What does Tokoloshe mean? I don't know what Tokoloshe literally means. Maybe Harry Sex Dwarf. Doesn't Africa What does tokoloche mean? I don't know what tokoloche literally means. Maybe hairy sex dwarf. Doesn't Africa have the worst rape problems in all of the world? They're worried about a groping dwarf?

Well, this works in Africa's problems with sorcery and magic in general. A whole series of different things. Yeah. Africa's got a lot of problems. This is the worst thing that's happened to this town, though. This little hairy fella going and grabbing tits and trying to suck on the nipples. The husband of Gawesis... They won't even call him a man.

No, he's Tocaloche. Or Tocaloche. This guy is like, he's brilliant. He's like, with any luck, they'll revere me as a god. He's just groping women. The husband of the victim reiterated the claims about the Tocaloche and said, my wife and some other women complained about the sexually abusive breast-sucking tokoloshe. I find it hilarious.

I love it. Someone's got to squeeze those disgusting five-inch nipples of my wife. The residents are now hoping to bring in prophets to pray for them as the matter has gotten out of hand. Grab him! Touch him! He's sucking on your titty! Put your arms around him! Or are they afraid that he's sucking the life force out of him. Grab him! Touch him! He's sucking on your titty! Put your arms around him! Or are they afraid

that he's like sucking the life force out of him or something like that? Probably something about sucking the life force. He just wants milk. Right? The fees charged

to exercise the town are exorbitant and beyond the means of the poverty-stricken rural community, Goesis said, we plan to bring profits, one of whom has asked

for $10,000 while another has asked for $2,800 to pay for it. Those are profits. I'll tell you what, man. We need to fly this nigga out to Miami because he's out there in Africa sucking on all types of, they're talking about sorcery and all this. So you know there's some sad African titties. If we flew him out to Miami, he would lose his mind and he'd get arrested immediately. Probably his head would explode, but we need to send him out there first and let him suck on some titties. If we flew him out to Miami, he would lose his mind and he'd get arrested immediately. Probably his head would explode, but we need to send him out there first and let him suck

on some titties. Tokoloche, it is very politically incorrect to call and mention such things, but I like it. I like what they're doing out there. An elderly married man at the town is suspected of being behind the sexually abusive Tokoloche. What do you mean? It's an old guy that's going around sucking on titties. Yeah, some old man sucking on tits.

I don't see why this is an issue. What do you mean, Ed? He's an old man. Again, with your old man thing. I mean, at any age, you can't just go grabbing and groping titties. At 70 years old, he can go around grabbing and groping titties. I can't wait to be 70. Oh, boy.

It's cute. It's not cute. Here's cute. It's not cute. Here's what the man's defense is. He has asked them for forgiveness and has said that, quote, the thing is not meant to harm you, but was sent to someone else. That doesn't make any sense. No, that makes no sense. Tokoloche would have spoke for himself, but it all sounds like...

Why is it Tokoloche that's so Spanish-sounding? This is in Africa, right? Tocaloche. So weird. It's in South Africa, right? This is in Namibia. Nabibia. Namibia.

Namibia. Namibia. And by the way, their currency, the $2,800 for the sorcerer, that equals to about $280 American. Oh, okay. I mean, you just don't need a sorcerer, but I suppose sorcerer, that's just their police force, right? The sorcerer.

That's what they call them. Yeah. It's got to be the same thing. I think the sorcerer is the judge. Yeah. Yeah. It says the existence of this mythical creature cannot be verified, and to date, no proof exists to the veracity of the reports from the village of Bethany. Just line up your ladies, have them all topless, and wait for them to come in and attack.

He can't be that quick. He's a super old dude. Yeah, I like that, Ben. Bait him. Bait him in. Yeah, you gotta bait him and then just, like, grab him and see what he's all about. Cut some tits off a chick, glue him to the ground. Glue him to a man.

Yeah, and he's sucking on the ground. Apparently, the Tokoloshe is a mythical Zulu creature. Okay. He is a dwarf-like water sprite, and it is considered a mischievous and evil spirit that can become invisible by swallowing a pebble. It sounds like they really have a Tokoloshe on their heads. It's all real.

He swallows a pebble and becomes invisible? Yes. Oh, wow. They got such fun, like, mystical shit out there, man. Yeah. We could all go out there and be weird mystical creatures if we wanted to. Oh, definitely. Just read up on this shit and then go, you know, do they have any, yeah, do they have

any, like, overweight white guy mythics? Like, lizard in Africa? Bumpy neck type individuals? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get on a boat with them. Unlike the... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't get on a boat with him. Unlike him. The only way you can get rid of a tokoloshe is to call in a nanga, who is a witch doctor who has the power to banish him from the area. Interesting.

Did they call in the nanga? Nanga. The nanga. Nanga. I'm saying did they call in the nanga? No, they didn't. That's what it says. The nanga's asking 280 bucks to come in and get rid of him.

Pay the nanga. What's the fucking deal? All the nangas be doing is fucking sucking on tits. I mean, maybe the ladies secretly like it. In order to cleanse the town, I must suck all of the villagers' breasts. Cops don't work for free. You want to get rid of the tokoloshe, you pay your nanga. I agree.

You gotta pay the nanga. Everybody knows it. The only way to keep the tokoloshe away at night is to put a brick beneath each leg of one's bed. However, this will not protect anything but the person whose bed it is along with the bed itself. It'll make the bed too tall. That's amazing. You literally can't reach it. You can't reach your tits.

It's not a bad way. It's not a bad technique. I just see this little guy trying to get off the bed. He's just jumping up at the bed. It is very funny how cute a predator can be if he can't get to you. That's pretty adorable. It's the most practical. All this sorcery and religion is

the most practical. Well, no, you put some bricks on the bed and they can't jump up there. But what if it comes with a tiny ladder? Oh, my goodness. This will not protect anything but the person whose bed it is to long, though, with the bed itself, as it may instead cause havoc not

involving said people. So, say an evil person sends a tokoloshe to you. Bring it on. If you put the bricks on your bed, then the tokoloshe has got to suck on someone's titties. Yeah. Might go to your daughter's room. Might go to your neighbor's house. You don't know.

So you, in effect, if you're putting the bricks on your bed, you're damning someone else to some titty sucking. That's fine. That's fine. Yeah, it should get some bricks too. That's right. Everyone's got to get bricks. Everyone get bricks. Everyone in Africa get bricks titty sucking. That's fine. That's fine. You should get some bricks, too. That's right. Everyone's got to get bricks. Everyone get bricks.

Everyone in Africa get bricks. Tall bags, everyone. Storm's coming. Get some sandbags. Yeah. Get ready. There you go. That's right.

Send them to the other fucking village. It is so funny to hear you say that sentence, damning someone to getting their titties sucked. Right. I feel like it's always pleasant for both parties. Usually. It's a hairy sex midget. Yeah, that's the problem. It's a stinky, hairy sex midget.

Someone just needs to fuck this sex midget. That's really what's going on here. It needs to find love. Get a little monkey. Yeah, sure. Why not? That'll work. It usually causes mischief amongst school children though

he's a pedophile he's partly a pedophile right mostly a pedophile how can you be partly a pedophile I feel like that's the quality that most you know it's how like if like a black chick and like a white dude get together the kid's gonna come out black cause like the black gene is dominant I feel like pedophilia is like that's the dominant trait

like that's the thing you're in a pitch black room and like you feel a little your hiney gets touched and you feel a little run away run away as your little pitter patters run around yeah it's like a horror movie but like you know you're just getting your shit grabbed yeah you just get your nipples sucked took a low shake and it sucks the nipples of men as well does it Would you mind that if you woke up with some sucked nipples? That's what I'm saying. How do you know? I mean, they'll be all like kind of

raw. Yeah, they'll be raw and swole. They'll be raw and swole. Little droplets form down the side of them. I feel like it's perfectly pleasant. Yeah, right? I guess this is why he doesn't attack men. Men are complaining about it. I feel like I would wig him out, put a little step stool at the end of my bed.

Ooh, better than the bricks. Come on up. It's not mischief for me. It's completely welcome and normal. I mean, the tokoloshe causes a lot of trouble around Africa. I just found another story back in 2001. A medicine man killed a baby because he believed it was a tokoloshe. Oh, my God.

But it's just a baby. It was a baby. Was it a hairy baby? believed it was a tocolosha. Oh my god. But it's just a baby. It was a baby. Was it a hairy baby? Was it me? Was it a grabby baby? Yeah. Kind of a bizarre abortion. I'm looking. I mean, I'm looking for the words I'm scanning for hairy and grabby. I'm not seeing anything.

Although it did say that he punched and slapped the child until it died. That'll happen. Man, people hate tokeloshes. I mean, if it's a hairy baby, you do have to kill it, right? No! You saw it to the freak show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in the basement or an attic.

Not that you know of. Very interesting stuff. Very interesting stuff indeed. I bet there is an African freak show. I have no idea. I bet it's phenomenal. I was wondering, actually, when he was talking about this story, are there whorehouses in African tribes or in Africa? Whorehouses, prostitution.

Yeah, the whorehouse is outdoors. Yeah. All of outdoors. Just sell them for, like, here's a snake. I don't know what you're trying to say, man. You're trying to say Africans are animals? I'm talking about in tribes. Of course we got whorehouses, man.

You're civilized. That's right. Boy, you don't want to type in African whorehouse to Google. What happens? Sad stuff. So there's a bunch of them. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot of... Sex slavery stuff, right?

Ex-hamster, fresh ebony sex.com. Oh, it's all porn sites. I mean, it's like. Sex slavery stuff, right? Ex-hamster, fresh, ebony sex.com. Oh, it's all porn sites. It just says South African whorehouse over and over and over again. And then South African whorehouse too. That doesn't sound sad. That just sounds like different porn. Yeah, it sounds popular. Yeah.

What are you talking about? I don't know. Why is it sad? Marcus, are you sad? Yeah, I'm sad. Let's move on, Marcus. What's another story? For completely different reasons,

Salem, Oregon's traffic engineer has turned down a proposal to erect a giant statue of a bloodied bandaged chicken on crutches at the site where a commercial truck hauling more than 5,000 live chickens flipped over recently. Did all the chickens die?

Most of the chickens died. This is like the chicken ghost bike. I hate the ghost bike yeah you know it always right because you're just distracting everyone who's driving there and it's sad that there's a ghost bike and hit someone else on a fucking bike right for those that don't know a ghost bike is a bike painted white in an area that a biker was hit by a car just overall died um but yeah i mean i'm with you but the ghost bike it's a nice little memorial you know it's a nice little thing that you can do their grave is a memorial sure the ghost bike, it's a nice little memorial. You know, it's a nice little thing that you can do. No, it's not. Their grave is a memorial. Sure.

But in this situation, it's a chicken ghost bike. It's a chicken on crutches. Yeah, police have said, quote, a considerable number of chickens died in the July 9th crash and its six-hour cleanup. So apparently they died both during the crash and when they were trying to get all the chickens off the road. Mostly during the cleanup. Mostly during the cleanup.

Definitely. When are you going to get a chance to step on a chicken and no one's going to notice? Oh, yeah. You can just kill any chicken you want. This is a nice memorial for these chickens. They want the chicken to be 5'5". That's not bad. A 5'5'' chicken on crutches as well.

Could you take him, Ben? No! A 5'5'' chicken? Yeah. Definitely not. You don't think he could? Absolutely not. On a crutch? It's taloned, though. Yeah, they're huge creatures from hell. There's no way you could take on a 5'5'' chicken.

I'd just show them its own eggs. You can hit it with a bat. No, you can't hit it with a bat. It's huge. They're fast. They're huge. Think about a chicken. There's people who can't fuck up a regular chicken.

That's right. You want to talk about a 5'5'' chicken? Think about that. It's hard to catch an eight-inch chicken. They run around so quick. But if it goes at you and you hit it with a bat, it's just like ball bull. Look, you ever seen Jurassic Park?

Think about it. Yeah. Those velociraptors were essentially five-foot, five-inch chickens. Nah, they were like six-tooth. Nah, nah. Think about that shit for a second, man. Look, I researched this shit, man.

Yeah. I know about it. Yeah. I'm passionate about this type of shit. Chickens don't have teeth. Look. Chickens have teeth. Chickens got teeth.

Yeah. Vestigial, okay? They can grow that shit they need. Vestigial? Vestigial? Oh, yeah. What does that mean? That is an ancestral thing.

So, for example, human beings. We have tail bones. That is a vestigial bone because we do not need a tail. Okay. But it's still there for my evolutionary purpose. Thank you. It is shrinking into our backs.

Yeah. I'm out here dropping knowledge on some niggas. I once dated a girl who had a vestigial tail. Oh, I've been there before. It's very strange. It's very strange.

You fucked a tail girl? Yeah, man. Wow. How long was the tail? It was probably about an inch. It was long enough. I'll tell you that. It's long enough to make a note.

Listen, you haven't felt true pain until the first time that you notice that it's there. Yeah. And then you're telling the girl to get on top of you. And she's like, I'm like, you're in reverse cowgirl. And she's like, well, what if I just lean back? Because she doesn't want you to see it because she's subconscious. And then you feel telling the girl to get on top of you, and she's like, I'm like, you're in reverse cowgirl. And she's like, well, what if I just lean back? Because she doesn't want you to see it because she's subconscious. And then you feel it on your stomach. I feel like that's fine.

If you're fucking a chick from behind and she has a tail, at the very least, you know when it's wagging, she's coming. That's okay. It's an original telltale sign. Now she's happy, yeah. Yeah. Did you have prior knowledge to this tale up until that point? Oh, no, no, no.

I was lied to. I was bamboozled. Well, I mean, what is she supposed to say? I mean, she can't be like, I love, you know, I love Lord of the Rings and a whole series

of other Peter Jackson movies. I have a tail. I love aliens. Before I got naked, that'd be something I'd try to joke around about, like, you know. I definitely wouldn't bring it up.

I'd still fuck a girl if she had a tail. You would bang a chick with a tail? I mean, of course we still, I mean, yeah. I'd still fuck her, of course. When chicks see Ed's fucking horrific balls, they don't...

No, he doesn't have horrific balls. He's masculine. Godlike nuts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He got big grapefruits. Marcus, you were with a chick with a tail. Yeah, I dated her for like two months. Kevin, you were with a chick with a tail.

Very accidentally. Other Kevin, Kevin's friend, Kevin, have you ever been with a chick with a tail? No, I have not, but I'm kind of interested in it yeah do you grab it 33% of the people here yeah can you grab the tail

it was enough to grab yes so if you were on if you were fucking her from behind like instead of grabbing her hair you could have just like held on to the tail

got your tail got your tail you threw your thumb through your face like literally did it yeah if I wanted to that could have happened if I had a tail I'd cut it off I your face. You literally did it? Yeah. Yeah, if I wanted to, that could have happened.

If I had a tail, I'd cut it off. I don't think you can cut it off. It's part of your back. It's part of your spinal cord. Really? You can remove them. Usually, they remove them at birth. More people are born with tails than you realize.

You think so? Oh, I know so. My kids keep it as tail. This is what I do research on. My kids keeping the tail. Absolutely. Is there a... Mark, is Google tail fetish? I want to know. My kid's keeping the tail. Absolutely. Is there a, Mark, is Google tail fetish? I want to know if God.

I'm sure there is. There must be some guys who love the idea of a chick with a tail. Here's the problem with the situation. Oh, it's a Japanese thing. Is it really? Of course it would be. They have tails that wag and stuff that they attach to their hearts. And as your blood goes and as you're happy, your tail will wag

so it'll show that the person you're on a date with, I swear to fucking God, it's a tail that they attach to your fucking cardiovascular system. Whoa. It shows if you're happy or not and it wags. There's a whole video about it. It's amazing. Wow.

Margus, do we have any pics? I would really like to see this. I'm having our time conceptualizing what a vestigial tail looks like. What a woman with a tail is on? YouTube Japanese tail. I mean, it just looks like a tail. It looks like if you ever seen Shallow Owl. No, that's like a belt, the one I'm talking about. Yeah.

Oh, you're talking about like a belt type situation. I don't want to see that. I want to see what they were fucking, what you were fucking. I'm trying to find it. Google. Shithead. Yeah, Google shith it. Google, uh... Shithead. Yeah, Google shitheads. That'll work.

There it is. That's a woman with a tail right there. Wow. Oh, no. All right. Oh, wow. She's real? She's good looking.

Yeah, that is true. She's attractive. Now, Kevin, does that remind you of your last sexual conquest? I mean, that's just on a whole different level. That's a bigger one, but more like that one there, kind of a tinier tail. Yeah. Oh, okay.

Yeah, is that really it? It's like a butt clip. Yeah, it is sort of like a butt clip, and then the baby with the huge tail. A demon spawn. You should probably drown that child. Wow, I thought he was holding up a dog. Yeah, that looks like a worm coming out of a baby's back. Oh, right, and another tail there.

Looks like dogs. Yeah, they look like dog tails. I'm actually surprised at myself for never Googling this. Yeah. I just tried to forget

it. That is a lot longer than I thought it would be. Huh. Kirk Cameron has a tail. Wow. Isn't that something? He's a fucking devil.

I guess so. I mean, that's not so bad. If you find a tail on a girl or an elongated clit or just super long four-inch nipples, what's worse? I've had pig nipples before. You've had pig nipples?

They suck. How long are we talking, Holden? I'd rather have a big clit than big nipples. You think so? I'm talking about like- At least it's part of a vagina. Yeah. Probably like an inch, maybe less.

I don't know. I was drunk, so maybe I'm exaggerating, but they were too long. Too long. They did not feel right. The nipples? Yeah, pig nipples. They just went out too far. Too long. They did not feel right. The nipples? Yeah, pig nipples. Like, they just went out too far. Pig nipples.

First real live nipples I ever saw were so long. Yeah, yours were, what, two inches long or so, right? At least. My friend's mother, she was in her bathrobe. She leaned over.

I was so young. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Saw these huge nipples. I was really freaked out by what nipples were for the rest of, until I saw real ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ten years, I was just confused. I'm sorry. I mean, Kevin, what do you think about a big nipple? Do you like it? Kevin's friend, Kevin? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You like a big, long, three-inch nipple? I'm not going to say I like it, but I'm going to definitely say I'm interested. You wouldn't stop fucking a chick with big, old, long nipples like that?

No. Why would I stop? And you really can't stop fucking a chick if she has a tail either. That's rude. That's the thing that I did. You did stop fucking her, Kevin. Why would i stop and we and you really can't stop fucking a chick if she has a tail either that's rude that's the thing that you know i i did you did stop fucking why would you stop here's the problem here's what the issue was okay it wasn't the tail it was another thing i felt like i felt like i was being she was trying to cast her in snare on me this is starcraft terminology and snares no no you underperformed no no no here's what it was because you know I was talking to girl but then it started off that she would no smashing but she was just like

just like we dropped dome for like a month right that was cool she was very you know yeah technique was great girl with a tail is great she has to be and so finally we started smashing it was like oh wow and then you know whenever you breezed over a lot of disgusting...

Oh, yeah, yeah. But then when I went from the back, she would always put her hand back there. And I was like, oh, maybe there's

just some cool girl shit that she's doing. Oh, and move my hand Yeah, like how chicks rub their pussies. Yeah, I thought it was one of those things. Maybe this is one of those

things she's into. So it was a good four or five times where she was doing that. But I had no idea. And literally the time that I spoke five times where she was doing that. I had no idea. And literally the times I spoke about before when she was like... So you fucked her from behind four or five times before you

found out about the tail? This is how guys fuck trannies. This is how guys get fucking screwed over and buttfucking a bunch of dudes. I'm reckless, man. I guess so. So at one point she removed her hand. That was the thing. The time I talked about earlier when it was like reverse cowgirl,

and I thought I saw something, and I was like, I'm not really sure about this. Like a haunting. And then you could tell because she couldn't really put her hand there during that time. And then she was like, well, what if I just lean back? Which was a very strange suggestion. And I was like, okay. And then she did it, and I just felt it on my stomach. Did you think

at first maybe she like shat on you or something? No, no. I felt it like sharp like a dagger. It's just a piece of bone, right? Yeah. And after that I was like, I've never, never I just stopped talking. You've heard it here first, everybody. Kevin Barnett will

not again fuck a chick with a tail. That's a legend. That's a legend. I found a person who has a fetish for tails. All right. What are they into? Why do they like it? It says, my first fascination with tails began when I saw the donkey transformation scene

in Disney's Pinocchio. Oh, he was molested during that scene. Those donkey tails swelling up and shredding through the character's pants spawned a fetish lasting to adulthood. Really? That's all I got because if I want to read more, I have to sign up for experienceproject.com. Yikes. Don't sign up for it.

I'm not going to do that. Don't sign up for it. Yeah, they like little boys with tails. Yeah. I guess they do. So this guy, Walt, Disney has created some very bizarre fetishes. Yeah. A guess they do. So this guy, Walt, Disney has created some very bizarre fetishes. Yeah. A lot of disgusting things. Centaur fetishes.

Large nose fetishes. People want to fuck horsemen. Sure. You know, and that's everything. Any majestic or magical creature mermaid fetishes, you know. I just never understand fetishes. What do you mean you don't understand fetishes? Just put a dick in a pussy.

Let's get on with it. No, it's get on with it. Oh, please, Ed. Like he said, it's something that you see or whatever during a weird sexual time in your upbringing and you sexualize it and it sticks with you. For me, I have a very simple, you can barely

call it a fetish, but I like chicks in heels. That was because when I was first getting turned on, it was always chicks in high heels. I don't know. I love high heels that's pretty standard though notice but i notice heels like i noticed that right off the bat if you're wearing heels like i'm immediately like gonna pay attention to you you're a mogul you're a rapper you know you got a you got a big career ahead of you a lot of guys a lot of very successful men like the heels. Marcus is currently looking at centaur porn, which is women photoshopped

to look like centaurs there, and apparently a lot of guys with the four legs and the two arms. Kevin, what do you think about when you watch these images here? Is this getting you hard? Is this getting you aroused? Do you think it's a positive thing or a negative? I'm drawing a line here. I'm going to have to go against this one. You don't like it?

Long nipples, overall farts and tails you're fine with, but centaur women, that's where you're going to draw the line.. I'm going to have to go against this one. You don't like it? Long nipples, overall farts and tails you're fine with, but centaur women, that's where you're going to draw the line. I don't understand what's going on here. It's a sad fetish because you'll never get to realistically do it. You'll never be able to have sex with a centaur. There's nothing you can do.

You can try weird things to recreate it, but there's no way. If you fuck a centaur from behind, is that still doggy style? No, it's horsey style. It's horsey style. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I must be worried about getting kicked. Oh, of course.

Yeah. You never know. What do you think, Barnett? Are you going to fuck a horse person? Is that an issue? You can't fuck a horse person. Horse people? Centaurs, man.

It's just like, yo. We were looking at some images here. For example, you fucked that girl. She's already in doggy style. Exactly. Of course. There's plenty of them. What about that one who's literally half woman, half horse?

It's like a horse body. I think you gotta fuck that girl from the front though because it looks like her pussy is connected to that horse's neck. Can you fuck or are you just fucking her second chest? I think you just to fuck that girl from the front, though, because it looks like her pussy is connected to that horse's neck. But can you fuck or are you just fucking her second chest? I think you just fuck her second chest. That's just what all horses' chests look like. They look like this.

Oh, is that right? Yeah. She has a chest up there, then she has a second chest down there. You can't fuck her from the front. Yeah, well, I don't think you can fuck her from behind because then you're just fucking a horse. Well, you can fuck a horse. I don't know. Yeah, we visited that before on the show.

Lord knows. I have no idea what Yeah, we visited that before. Right. Lord knows. I have no idea what this episode's about. We've just gone down the... Yeah, market tour porn. I really did take us down a rabbit hole on this episode. Yeah, you did. I went to the bathroom. All of a sudden, I'm getting asked about fucking horse bitches.

Bizarre. It's very bizarre. Marcus, what's another news story? All right. Let's do one more at the very least. All right. Let's do one more. A woman walking her dog in one of France's most attractive tourist areas was the victim

of a nightmare attack when a pack of six feral cats dragged her to the ground and mauled her, severing an artery. I heard about this. This is not bad. The 31-year-old victim, who was walking at the edge of a wooden Belfort in the northeastern region... That's how old I am.

She's like me. She is a lot like you, although cats love you and they would never maul you. She was left traumatized by the attack and suffered bites to her arms and legs along with a gashed artery. Her dog, who is a poodle, was also badly hurt in the incident.

See, why can't we see that musical? Why does it have to be like happy cats having fun in an alley? Why can't we see the one where the cats fucking rip an old lady apart? I want all these cats. I picture these cats dressed like Clockwork Orange. You know, just like with the top hats, a cane, fucking some cool makeup on their eyes. Cat game. She's obviously a fucking demon.

Haven't you ever seen Sleepwalkers? Think about it. These cats are finding a devil woman, attacking her and saving our lives. Yeah, it's thought the attack was related to the high summer temperatures perhaps making the cats more aggressive than usual. Right. I didn't know cats worked in packs.

Of course they do. Have you ever seen the musical cats? Or Aristocats? I've seen Aristocats. Yeah. Cats hang out and play jazz, dude. Apologize to Holden. You. Why?

What happened? Never in my whole life. Sometimes I draw pictures of him and pretend that he's talking to me and say I'm sorry to myself. That's good. Yeah. I do that to everyone. It's not a bad way to die, though. A bunch of cats killing you. That's a fine way to go, right? That's a horrible way to go. Painful as fuck. That's a pretty bad way to myself. That's good. Yeah. I do that to everyone. It's not a bad way to die, though. A bunch of cats killing you.

That's a fine way to go, right? That's a horrible way to go. You think so? Yeah, it's a pretty bad way to go. It's a fun funeral, though. It's going to take longer. It's bad just being around a cat and it's not doing anything. Is this woman going to be a superhero cat woman? This is what created her.

Is it? Yeah, absolutely. She got licked by a bunch of cats. Cat woman, yeah, yeah. But she also fell off of a building. They were just licking her to health, man. But to die by a bunch of cats is fucked up, yeah, yeah. But she also fell off of a building. They were just licking her to health, man. But to die by a bunch of cats is fucked up, dude. Okay, you don't maintain their powers after they cut open your skin and get all the saliva

and shit? What power does a stupid fucking cat have? A cat has a bunch of powers, dude. Nine lives. That's number one. That's massive. Climb up some trees pretty well. Climb up trees amazingly.

Scale walls. Get people to make a lot of memes about you for just doing weird things. For being fat and lazy. Yeah. Just hanging out and there's all types of memes with cats. I got some on my phone right now.

Angry cat just being upset. Yeah. Huge success. Lasagna cats. Yeah, Garfield is amazing. Dude, if you were a cat, think about how much further your comedy career

would be right now. It would be huge. It would be huge. Killing it. You would would be right now. It would be huge. It would be huge. You would be crushing right now. The first cat female, first cat stand-up, they're going to fucking crush. Oh, yeah. All y'all say, you don't have to do

no jokes, but I was walking on this terrace the other day. People were already like, ahhh! Screaming. It's a talking cat! The end of your joke is you just walking on a terrace, man. I fell into some lettuce gang! That's the end of your joke. Love it. The end of your joke is you just walking on a terrace, man. That's right.

I fell into some lettuce. I fell into the lettuce and people were like, oh my God! All right, now I'm going to play with this ball for the next five minutes,

you know? We're going to get a standing ovation after that. All right, time for a segment from Holt McNeely. Oh, new slang words.

Boing, boing, boing. What a silly one it is. Today we're going to... I'm is. Today we're going to... I'm sorry. Today we're going to... I just want to apologize to our listeners for a moment. Why are you apologizing? I feel broken.

The boing, boing. The boing, boing, yeah. I thought the boing, boing was good. Oh, okay. New slang words. Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. We're going to come up with new slang words today. I'm going to go with...

Take it one more time. New slang words. I'm gay. I'm going to come up with new slang words. Maybe. Absolutely. My girlfriend's out of town and I've been sucking dick. Oh, man.

Hell yeah, man. In Ben's rooms. He's dog sitting. Ben's room's fun. Smells like shit. New slang words I'll start Drinking moogoo

Okay When I'm drinking moogoo That's gonna be A shot of whiskey Mama's breast milk And a little bit of My own farts Drinking moogoo

Gets you fucked up Because the thing is My farts fucking have like A hallucinogenic you fucked up. The thing is, my farts have a hallucinogenic effect. It's kind of like absinthe, essentially, when you drink it. That's why. It's kind of like robo-tripping. Drinking Moogoo.

Gotta get that milk, though. The hardest part. My room smells like old cum, by the way, just to really specify what the smell is. Oh, and shit. And potato chips and pretzels. Ah, whatever. Mine's a

dangle cocks. It's a it's for women who don't have cocks. They take a big shit and then glue it to their pelvic bone and it's a dangle cock. That's a dangle cock. That's never going to happen. Yeah, that's tough. That's a tough one.

You gotta kill a little dingle cock. Alright, not bad, not bad. So, with the cock, with the... It's a different shit and they stick it to themselves. Okay. The shit works out to its own adhesive.

How long would the shit last? One fuck. As long as shit, yeah. I mean, probably less than one fuck. And then they fuck a woman, I would assume, with it. Yeah, or a dude in the ass. With a piece of shit, yeah. All right.

That's good. So this episode's not going to be released. Let's see. He wanted a new curse word. What's that? He wanted a new curse word. It's got to be something dirty. No, I know, I know.

It's a slang word. What's that? You want a new curse word? It's got to be something dirty. No, I know, I know. No, it's a slang word. Slang. Yeah. Oh, so I get to pick something that already exists. I just invented a new horrible invention. I see. I see where I messed up. All right.

I have really a new slang word. I guess if someone like, you know, as a dingle cock would be after you pull your cock out of a dude's ass. Dude's ass with a dingle cock. That's a dingle cock. Alright, yeah,

that works much better. I think that actually exists. I do think that already exists, Marcus. You could Google dingle cock and I guarantee

you get multiple images. You can use that in so many ways that almost sounds like a slur. But people that hate gay people will be like,

pull these fucking dingle cocks around here. It works in so many different. That almost sounds like a slur. But people that hate gay people, they'll be like, follow these fucking dinglecocks around here. It works in so many different ways. It does. You just opened up a whole fucking can of worms, man. It's pretty amazing. Yeah, it's the thing. You're going to have like four or five different definitions under your word like an urban day.

Dinglecock already. Hell yeah. Not bad. Take it off, people. All right, who's next? You know, honestly, I have nothing I really have nothing Let's brainstorm something

Kevin, do you have anything? Alright, new slang words These are our new slang words I forgot about the segments Alright, here we go Oh, it's all good That's a cat, nigga So this is the slang word

For when you're walking down the street And you're kind of in a shady area You hear some rustling You get spooked You down the street and you're kind of in a shady area. Here's some rustling. You get spooked. You get scared. But then you realize it's just a cat. So you say that. That's happened to me.

Yeah, exactly. That's happened to all of us. Yeah. You're walking down the street. You say that. And listen, honestly, 95% of the time, you got to say that to yourself, Especially if you are of the race that can't say nigga in front of people. But you say that to yourself. In front of people of other races.

Well, yeah. If you're white and you say nigga, have a ball. Say it in front of all the white people because that's your right. Thank you. It's my time. I'm on my time. You made the word. You made the word. Say it amongst yourselves. You made the word.

When we meet up every Friday night, like after work day is done, we just say it over and over again for like 10 minutes. Yeah, no, exactly. You say nigger around niggers, it's going to make a lot of people uncomfortable. But you say it around yourselves, perfectly fine. Did we make the word? It's my favorite conference call of the week. There's the people love it.

Oh, it's all good. That's a cat, nigga. Say that to yourselves or to other people of your same race. Well, this chick that was in France, she just got attacked

by a bunch of cats and it severed an artery. Exactly. A cat. That's the difference. All right. Think of a new slang for white people.

Something to call white people. We don't have anything that defends me. White people? Yeah. This of a new slang for white people. Something to call white people. We don't have anything that defends me. White people? Yeah. This is a new slang word that I just came up with for white people. It's called champions. So whenever you see a white person, just be like, yo, champion. What is up building the Sears Tower?

I love it. Building the Empire State Building. Building all the roads. Making the world. Champions. Awesome. There you go. That's a good one.

Other Kevin, do you got one? Not at all. Not at all. As your attorney, I copy off other people, so it's kind of hard to be a real man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Marcus. I feel like that's about it. I copy off other people, so it's kind of hard to be original. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Marcus. I feel like that's about it. I think so, too.

You didn't say one either. Champions. Yeah. Oh, champions. He was serious, and he wins. I won. That is awesome. I have a champion.

I am offended that you think white people are so great. No, that's fine. All right. That has been this episode. I feel like entire groups of people have been undermined in this episode that's the round table

gentlemen Ed Larson Holden McNeely Kevin Burnett I am Ben and that is Marcus and thanks for being here Kevin's friend Kevin

thank you perfect Ben's shit was accurate oh wow wow alright there we go goodbye goodbye