The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 156: Johnstown

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man loses his life savings in a carnival game called Tubs of Fun, two miniature horses are stung to death by a swarm of bees, and a dog eats a paralyzed man's testicle. Joining us today: Walter Replogle and Kellen Maloney of Murderfist!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Jackie! Grumpy Jackie, can you please pray? Can you do your fucking job? God thinks

I'm never fucking grumpy. Dear fucking God, I'm not fucking grumpy. They're not fucking grumpies today. And you know what? I hope Kevin Barnett never comes back. Why would you say that about Kevin? I'm not saying that.

If Kevin's not here, you're never going to get fucked. Which means God answers all of my prayers, so he's never coming back. He's successful. Are we talking about a roundtable feud happening right now? With us weekly. Some kind of flame war. Sick of it. All right.

Welcome to the roundtable. Gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this roundtable? We know Grumpy Jackie is here. KKK Jackie. KKK Klansman. Jackie's a brownie. Oh, interesting, Eddie.

Everyone knows I'm fine with black people. I love black people. Who don't you love? You know who I fucking don't love. All right. Oh, he's being cute. He's so big. Too big for my pussy.

No one's too tiny for my small dick. Come on, Jackie. I'm Ed Larson, and I love rice. That's nice. Okay, that's a positive. Brown or white rice? White rice. Yeah, right?

Oh, you don't like brown rice? Oh, you don't like brown rice, does he? What are you racializing rice? I like yellow rice. Yellow rice is fine. Yeah, fucking right. I like yellow rice. Yellow rice is fine. Yeah, fucking right. Nobody likes yellow rice. Are you saying that brown rice has less book smarts than white rice?

I'm saying it doesn't even know how to be fucking rice. Are we still talking about cuisine here? Jesus Christ, people. I'm Holden McNeely, and I bust loads! All right, sitting in for Kevin Barnett, Walter Rapogla, a very important and wonderful member of the sketch group Murderfist. First off, it's RepLogal, but thank you, Ben. RepLogal!

Yes, the diva of Murderfist, everybody. Absolutely, everyone, get behind me! That's right. The only reason Murderfist is such a successful sketch group, of course, is the man to my left, Kellen Maloney. My name is Kellen Maloney and I love AstroTurf. Maloney like Maloney and of course Kellen does all the tech for Murderfish.

You've done a wonderful job. All the tunes, man. Indeed. He directs too. Okay, good. He directs. He's a pretty good writer as well. He will write some things. Still can't act his way out of a fucking brown bag. Alright, let's not bring up incestuous Murderfist

fights. It's pretty sad. It really is. It's like looking at a piece of toast. It's like watching ice become cubes. Science! Littlefield, 8pm this Thursday, August 8th, Murderfest is having their 10th anniversary show.

10th year. God damn years. Every moment was worth it. I don't know about you guys, but every time I say that we're having our 10th year anniversary, people look at me and they're like, how fucking old are you? I was like, I fucking old are you?

And I was like, I joined late. I joined late. We started when I was nine years old. I had someone told me that we should just celebrate it and not tell anyone it's 10 years because that's sad. It is a little bit sad. A little bit sad. Oh, it's entirely sad. But then everyone else has to think about their own lives.

That's right. We've been together longer than the Beatles. Look at our success. Look at how much we haven't done. In all honesty, tickets are selling out, though, so get the tickets and come and hang out with us on August 8th. I am playing a character as well, and it's going to be extremely fun, and we're going to get fucking shit-hammered. Marcus is going to be there as well. There's a ton of guest stars.

Kevin's going to be there. The man that Jackie is currently feuding with. He's dead to me. Please do our show, Burnett. He's not going to fucking listen to this. Fuck you, Kevin. All right, all right. She's right, though.

She can literally say anything. Thursday, August 8th, Littlefield, 8 p.m. Marcus, let's get to a news story. A New Hampshire man said his trip to the carnival was a horror show when he ended up losing his life savings. What happened? What? Henry Gribbone claimed he was conned out of his life savings of $2,600 on a carnival game.

He said all he won was a stuffed banana with dreadlocks. If you'll check out over here, you can see a picture. It's an amazing stuffed banana with dreadlocks. You can see the dumbness on this man's face. You can go to the Facebook page to check that one out. It's an old story, though. This is an old story, but you know what? We didn't get to it, and goddamn, I love it.

$2,600. How is he going to turn it around? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. What a persistent fucking prick. He must be the worst person to argue with ever. Right, right, right. What's he going to lose? Let me tell you guys the story.

He said he attended a Manchester carnival run by Fiesta Shows and wanted to win an Xbox Kinect at a game called Tubs of Fun. That's Henry's nickname. I was about to say. Henry couldn't be here today because he was too busy playing with his fucking pussy. He's got the smallest one. The game involves contestants tossing balls into a tub. When he practiced, he said it was easy, but something changed when he started playing and the balls kept popping out.

He said it's not possible that it wasn't rigged. He said he kept trying to win back his money by going double or nothing. He dropped $300 in just a few minutes. Then he said he went home to get $2,300 more and soon lost all of that. Go to Walmart and buy

an Xbox Kinect. Why would you go and play the game? First of all, he's got $2,300 in cash and he doesn't have a shirt. He's a drug dealer. Yeah, that's true. That's where the principle of the thing, man. First of all, he's got $2,300 in cash, and he doesn't have a shirt. He's a drug dealer. Yeah, that's true. That's where the money's coming from. Just buy the goddamn X-

That fucking goat weed banana. Yeah, and he ended up winning a fucking stoned banana. It's a pretty cool prize, though. Actually, yeah, the viewers at home can't see, the listeners at home can't see, but that banana is fucking badass. It's a badass. Go to the Roundtable Facebook page, and you can see a picture of the banana. Yeah, it's a $2,600 banana. I would have paid at least $, but that banana is fucking badass. It's a badass banana. Go to the Roundtable Facebook page and you can see a picture of the banana. Yeah, it's a $2,600 banana. I would have paid at least $50 for that banana.

Right, I agree. That is a $50 banana. Flip the banana. I mean, can you get your money back if you just express to the guy that you don't think the game is actually tubs of fun? You know what, I've had a good time, but I wouldn't classify this as tubs of fun. So I'm going to need my dollar back. He did get some of his money back.

He went back the next day to complain, and the man running the game gave him back $600, and he left with the banana and the cash. So he didn't even win the banana through the game. It's a pity banana. It's a pity banana! And it's six feet tall. A six-foot-tall pity banana! And it's six feet tall! A six-foot-tall pity banana! Sounds like Ben Kissel.

How bad are you going to do to depress a gypsy enough to get him away from himself? I mean, that's the thing. How bad did the gypsy have to be? And I agree with you. We're going to assume that Carnival Man is a gypsy. Always gypsy. Always. How bad must he have felt to give him six-

Well, he made four months' worth of money off of this guy. One night, yeah. Yeah. One night in the carnival. In a matter of minutes. Not even just over a night. We're talking about literally within a half an hour. How dumb do you have to be to think the game isn't rigged to begin with?

Well, and how drunk and what mind space are you in to be like, I'm going home and I am getting my $2,300. He had time to think about it. He had plenty of time. And not only that, he had $300 in cash on his purse. Yeah. This drug dealer. Yeah.

He does not have a wife. Back when we were dealing drugs. Right. Last Saturday. We went to Circuit City to go pick up a big screen TV because that's what drug dealers need to have. Absolutely. Big screen TV.

And so we get there and they wouldn't take our credit card. So we said, fuck you. We'll be back in a little bit with $2,300 in cash. Then they set up a game called Cubs of Fun. We actually brought our cash. Then we got our fucking television. I just imagine Ed as Grandpa Ed talking to his grandchildren instead of like, oh, we used to walk three fucking miles in the snow.

Instead it's like, back when we dealt drugs, you know, when things were good. It's just so weird that Grandpa's house smells like meat, but there's no food in the refrigerator? This guy is definitely,

good theory, and I think that you're right. This guy is definitely a drug dealer. Well, he settled on the weed banana. Yeah. He was so bad.

They met eyes. This is romantic. He met eyes with the weed banana, with the dreadlock banana, and they fell in love. He made a decision. He went back to kick this guy's ass for his money. And the guy said, how about I just give you 600 bucks and just fucking rock and banana. Good on that guy, by the way. It's like, how much more could one man know another man's mind?

Ed Larson, have you ever racked this dude? He's also, and there's a picture, he's got the banana over his shoulder, holding it with his right hand. He's happy. And he's pushing a stroller with his left. Oh my God. The baby eats a banana. Make sure you give your child a lot of potassium and make sure they have a lot of bananas. Now I just found the biggest banana.

I'm the best daddy out there. Oh no, it's not filled with banana meat. It's full of cotton. What am I going to do? Baby, it's time for you to eat like a couch. Wouldn't this be the best little wraparound story

if he actually did open the banana and it was just full of drugs? He's like a smuggler banana. Just poetic justice, if you will. If I'm a cop, I'm cutting open the banana and it was just full of drugs. Oh, yeah. It was like a smuggling banana. Just photos of him playing the game. If I'm a cop, I'm cutting open the stone banana. No doubt about it. Yeah, he was kind of saying,

for once in my life, I happen to become that sucker. For once in your life? This isn't the first go around. I don't think it's the first oral. Usually it's me tricking people into coming crackheads. But now I've been fooled.

Oh, what a manipulative world it is. The hubris. God's crazy games, huh? What's that old saying? Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice. Big ass banana. You've got yourself

a big ass banana. Well, this wasn't so bad. I love it. I mean, this easily could have turned into a very violent altercation without the saving grace of the large banana. You know, one day he's just going to be all drunk in his house and he's going to slip on it and break his neck. Oh, that would be amazing. He goes home and he tries to peel the fucking thing. Yeah, right.

Slips on the world's biggest banana peel. Here's a bit of an injustice, though, is that the actual game operators are being punished. Fiesta shows who ran the carnival, they said that an investigation is underway and that the vendors of the game will not be allowed to set up at the next carnival until the investigation is complete. This is a very... That's not fair. It's a carnival game.

It's rigged. It's rigged. They're all rig fair. It's a carnival game. It's rigged. It's rigged. They're all rigged. It's just like the casinos in Vegas. Yes. I have a feeling they're really not investigating that hard. I think Tubbs of Fun will be up in Sacramento when they fucking pop up the tents over there.

I really hope so. I'm worried now. This guy... I mean, you've seen the game. That's the one where you have the softball, right? And you throw it into the tub, and obviously it always bumps up, but the guy does it right before you do it.

Yeah, but Tubbs of Fun is the most disgusting carnival game name I've ever heard in my life. It does sound like you're throwing lard at like a chick's ass or something. Is there a toilet involved or something? I think the girl's name would be Tubbs. Yeah, she's the fun part. Yeah, of course. I'm like fisting a fat girl. Tubbs McDermott.

Tubbs McDermott is a great name. I think her full name is L. Tubbs McDermott. Tubbs McDermott is a great name. I think her full name is Lacey Tubbs McDermott. Use the quotes. Use the quotes. It's a nickname. This is not the worst experience that's ever happened at a carnival, though. No.

It's a relatively good one. I actually have a good one. I actually, when the carnival came into my hometown of Pensacola, Florida. Pensacola. There was a guy who actually fell off the Ferris wheel. Did he die? Yeah, he totally died. Jesus.

How far did he fall? Were you there? I was there, but my friend was right next to where it happened. So he saw the body hit the ground? She saw it hit the ground. She did? Yeah, and she was like, that's the weirdest noise I've ever heard. Did she get splattered with blood or was there no blood?

Because I always, I mean, you have the image of like this huge, like gushing, almost like a nightmare on Elm Street. Johnny Depp. It's not a water balloon. No,

what happened is that he climbed out of his car. I'm trying to remember this correctly. He climbed out of his little car thing on the Ferris wheel. Was he pretending

like he was fucking, what is it, Beverly Hills Cop 3? Axel Foley. Axel Foley? I don't know. It's Pensacola, Florida, probably.

They're weird. Yeah. And then he started like climbing down the structure and I think he fell from the middle of it. Oh, he deserved to fall and just fucking hit everything on the way down. There's so many of these folks. He was trying to be cool? I guess. Okay.

That's pretty cool, though. Oh, that's a drunk fucking redneck. I mean, I hope there was somebody that was right in front of him that just yelled, Jackpot, as soon as he fucking hit the ground. I love those shopping mall fairs. Yeah, it's like human Plinko. Rarely is it the actual person's fault, though, in these carnival situations. We discussed on Top Hat the chick who was going on that roller coaster ride.

The Texas Giant. She just fell right the fuck off because she was too fat. Yeah, not her fault. Did you see the video of how they like? That's her fault. That's definitely her fault. Well, somewhat. Well, she pushed the bar or something, too.

With her stomach. She was too big. They did a recreation with the physics of it. Scientists were just like, this is how a jackass fucking flies out of a plane. This is how a jackass dies. There was also the kid who went to go get his hat or his phone or something and got decapitated by the roller coaster. Yeah, his head got kicked off. Jesus Christ.

Space Mountain. Those seem like more innocent people than this woman or than this dude who was trying to climb down the goddamn thing. Oh, and by the way, whether a body explodes

or not upon impact does depend on how high up they jump from. Absolutely. Thank you. You can survive. How high can you survive? Like a two-story fall?

He did not. Oh, you can survive up to a four-story fall. So, yeah. I heard this from window washers. It all depends on how you fall and the surface upon which you fall. If you fall on the grass, you can fall from higher than you can from, say, like, I think I would really love to see someone hit cement.

I can make that happen for you in ten seconds. Who are you going to choose? Oh, just like snuff film stuff. Live leak. There's an old black and white photo of a jumper, a girl who committed suicide and she's in and she fell in a car and it looks like there's no blood

and she looks like she's pleasantly like peacefully sleeping. It's a very cool picture. But her brains are fucking mangled in her head. Like the 30s in midair too where she's like literally falling from the building and yeah, there's a look of complacency on her face and like she's almost flying. Oh,. There's one of the 30s in midair, too, where she's literally falling from the building. There's a look of complacency on her face. She was a lady in the 30s. It's a rough lot.

Most people pass out before they hit the bottom. All right, well, let's move on. Let's get out of the carnival world. I love carnivals. Great place for a blowjob and a fight. It is a great place. That is very, very true. Do you guys ever

fool around in a in like one of the mirror houses? Of course. Not the mirror house, the Ferris wheel. I did a mirror, the mirror house

might have been, I think I never wanted to get touched ever again after that. Yeah, my memories are always just like being really young and just thinking like,

well, you know, this is where I get kidnapped. I fully believe I got body dysmorphia disease from those goddamn mirror houses. Those are terrible for kids. Yeah, that's why you're so tall and disgusting.

Exactly. I had it pretty good. I played in the mirrors. I had it pretty good because the town, they passed a law that I couldn't go to the carnival when everybody goes. So they'd give me one day out of the year where they'd open it just for me. And I got to ride in all the rides and it was super fun. How was it getting woken up every morning by a group of folks with pitchforks?

Holden's waking up with his crazy family all the time so he's not really... Yeah, exactly. I don't know why but I feel like in North Carolina

there's a law called Holden's Law. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just made specifically for you. Yeah, yeah. It's also going,

ah! If you see him you gotta skin him. It's like... If you can catch yeah. It's also going, Ah! If you see him, you gotta skin him. It's like, If you can catch him. It's like the opposite of an Amber Alert. Like, nobody

acknowledges that he's there. Just turn your eyes down and offer up weed and he'll move on. Yeah, anytime someone tries to get a hold of me, he just squirts right out like a water weenie.

It's real bad. He's like an octopus. He knows how to ink. So my mom used to call me her little water weenie. I'm sure she did. Please, we must get out of this world. We're dying over here. All right, all right.

Well, our next story comes from a listener. It comes from Allison. Thank you very much. Allison Yates. She posted on our Facebook page, a Truman man awoke Monday morning to find his dog eating one of his testicles. The man

who has not been identified She's got such good stories. She really does. She's great. The man who has not been identified is paralyzed and told police he has no feeling

from the waist down. Around 7.45 a.m. Monday he was awakened by a burning pain in his midsection according to the initial police report. So the dog sort of what if he was able to walk

after this? Well he's paralyzed. He can't feed the dog sort of, what if he was able to walk after this? Well, he's paralyzed. He can't feed the dog. Dog fed himself. That's right. I agree. Yeah. And if you're going to eat any part of the male body,

you're going to eat the balls. Well, and also there's like a, I read somewhere, fake statistics by Walter Replogle. Let's do it. But that like, dogs will actually wait longer to start eating on somebody who's like dead. Like if you're old and you die in your house with your dog, the dog will wait longer to start eating on somebody who's dead. If you're old and you die in your house with your dog, the dog will wait longer to start eating you than a cat will.

A cat will immediately pounce on your face. But a cat can't eat a nut. I think cats are too tiny to eat balls. Well, here's one thing about the dog. It was a stray that he took in three weeks earlier. Oh, this man's an alcoholic. Oh, he's a fucking foster kid. Can't be trusting those little kids.

They've been beaten all over town. Exactly. It's like Oliver. He's got side welfare. That's why I feel like the second you get an orphan into an orphanage, kill it. It's bad. Either that or beat it till it's sad. Yeah.

Or just give them to all the gay couples. What? Give them to all the gay couples. Gay couples don't want the goddamn orphans. You know how gay couples deal with foster kids and be like, you think you've been through some shit? Oh, thank you. What was your gay plight you've gone through, Walter?

I was only able to suck four dicks in that bar. Sir, are you saying that the more rights gay people have, the worse parents they're going to be? No, the better parents are going to fix the fucking kids. No, it's not. Gays aren't taking kids from the orphanage. They want designer kids. There's no way the gay people are taking orphanage kids. That's why I kill all the. No, it's not. You have to scare children. Gays aren't taking kids from the orphanage. They want designer kids. There's no way the gay people are taking orphanage kids.

That's why I kill all the orphans. Done and done. You take a child, you take an orphan, and you tattoo him with little Louis Vuitton signs all over him. Right, right. Make him look like a purse. This is little gluten-free. That's what we're going to name him

he's not actually gluten free though where did you guys find your child Gucci it's so great that's what's so funny when the Russians were all pissed off

at us they stopped the Russian adoptions and it's like oh you're telling me you're not going to give us all of your autistic fucking orphans I'm so depressed

Russian orphans are nightmares yeah they're alcohol babies they're serial killers I actually have three cousins that are adopted from Russia oh right we won't talk about it anymore it's totally fine because they're alcohol babies. They're serial killers. I actually have three cousins that are adopted from Russia.

Oh, right. We won't talk about it anymore, then. It's totally fine because it's their site. What was the nuclear explosion in Russia? What was that? I don't know. They're going to kill us soon. Chernobyl, yeah.

Is anyone ready? I'm ready for it. For Russia to kill us? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready for an actual ground war myself. It's happening. It's going to happen.

They ain't going to kill us. We're fine. Oh, yeah. We're way over there. Let's fucking kill the shit out of Russia. You know who Russians hate? The Chinese. Let's watch that happen. That'll be fun. That will be fun. Or let's just buddy up with China.

Oh, well, no. Let's just let it happen. Nah, they're friends in North Korea, brother. Can't be getting up in that mood. Yeah, man, nuke shit, yo. This is the most political the round table has ever gotten, and I must say, I'm voting for all you motherfucking crazy assholes. Damn. People thought Mitt Romney said it like a China.

It's Obama's birthday today. Do you know that? Oh, is it Obama's birthday today? Big P. Big P-O-B. Wow. I wouldn't say happy birthday, but fuck you. Instead, I'm going to say fuck off, you piece of shit.

Look at this little salt and pepper hair. Man, you've actually got a great idea, Eddie, because then we can fight for China so they wipe out all of our debt. That's right. It's all working out. It's all working out. We can call us in.

First in the battle. I'll tell China some secrets. What are you going to tell them, Eddie? Besides your nuts and a bunch of hernia? Jackie's pregnant, China. Oh, the first round table, baby. China, rip it out. China, get rid of it.

Happy birthday abortion. Oh, wow. And the baby lived eight weeks. I want to do a live abortion on the round table, gentlemen. That's a great idea. That's wonderful. Just get on that.

All right, we'll take off your knickers. Wait till we get to serious radio, and then we can do a great idea. That's wonderful. Get on that. All right, we'll take off your knickers. Wait until we get to serious radio. Wait, I'm sorry. Do you want her to have a 19th century backdoor abortion? I'm just going to take this bleach and put it in a tube and shove it up your pussy. Be sure to take your laudanum. That was our drinking game in college. The Vera Drake drinking game, yes.

Every time you take off your knickers you gotta take a shot. Just watch the trailer for Vera Drake and know that we did a drinking game to that movie. It was sad. It was sad. Especially because we were with that girl who just recently had an abortion. She played the fucking game.

She showed up. I think she might have won that game. I'm interested. I'm interested about the conversation you guys are having. Walter, what happened with the three Russian kids? Are they fucking insane? No, they're cool. My aunt and uncle are horribly religious, like scarily so. Right, right, right.

And so they were racist. They love you. Oh, no. We talk all the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, they're fine. Oh, so they're not? They're three brothers, and they're really sweet guys. The last time I saw them, they were like 11. Now they're all in college. Oh, great're fine. Oh, so they're not? They're three brothers, and they're really sweet guys. The last time I saw them, they were like 11, and now they're all in college.

Oh, great. Yeah. Okay, good. Can't trust a Russian. No. I agree. We had a couple China orphans in my family. And you called them China orphans when they came through the door?

Chorphans. Yeah. Chorphan one and chorphan two. Yeah, Ching Chang and Pan. Yeah. They were painted like pandas, so it was special. He kept trying to make them breed. How were the China orphans?

Did you like them? One of them's kind of a terror. Okay. And the other one's so sweet. And these were like foster kids for you? No, not for me. For my family. Oh, okay.

Yeah, someone, my cousin got them. Oh, your cousin got them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gotta collect them all, huh? Can't. Got them. Got to collect them all, huh? Got them. Can't collect them all. Can't collect them all. You can't do that.

The Asian ones are actually from Bergdorf Goodman. That's what they're a little, they're much better. They're higher end. I doubt that. You got a personal shopper. Ooh, I got a story from China. Let's do it. Good segue.

New friends. Genie, Chinese. Yeah, we're going against Russia. A man who trained as a breastfeeding therapist says he may have picked the wrong career because suspicious husbands refused to let him massage their wives' breasts. What? You're not going to let this man massage your wife's breasts? What do you mean, Eddie?

He's Asian. They're not attracted to him. It's fine. Come on. He's Asian in China. Oh, that him. It's fine. Come on. He's Asian in China. Oh, that's a problem. They have no choice. If it's a clinical thing, whatever.

Also, to be fair, I imagine that when you're breastfeeding, your nipples are bloody because you have a child gnawing on them. Well, they don't have teeth. They gum at it. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. How do you know? They gum at it.

Because I've seen my sister's nipples after, like, in the middle of her being breastfed. I watched the worst documentary of all time on HBO by this, she's a lesbian woman. She and her partner had a baby, Nina Davenport is her name,

and it's a documentary about the childbirth, and I saw the childbirth, and then I saw the baby, like, learning how to suckle on the teeth, and apparently kids are real stupid and they don't know how to get the milk out so you gotta put the mouth

up to it proper and it fucking looked like she was having sex with me because she looked like in a lot of pain. She looked like she was having a terrible time. I think that it's like

obviously he's touching them and they're not feeling any kind of sexual sensation. It's only painful. Let me give you some more information. Yang Jun, 29, from Puyang, Henan province in central China, is one of only three male experts in the whole country providing the service.

But despite graduating with honors, Jun has only two new mothers who pay him $30 a time to massage their breasts for 90 minutes to help with milk production. He got a degree in touching titties? Wow. He got a degree in massaging breasts? Oh, man. I should go back to college.

Indeed. I don't know. I think this alliance with China is going to fucking pan out, man. I'm going back to school. It's like China's full of just like evergreen university where you can create your own major. Oh, my God. There's one thing I've learned is that whenever you're massaging a woman, and I can do this as a gay man,

is you always, like when you're massaging their shoulders, you pull down, and like right above the boob, you massage their pectoral muscles. Tit me. Because that's what holds, that's where...

The tit me. You mean? Yeah, the tits hang above the pecs. God, I wish you would come out of straight right now. And this is just amazing that you just got to touch all of these incredible fucking titties

your entire life. It's just been a ruse. Just for the attention. That's all it is. Walter's just looking about it anatomically. For you guys, it's just like,

boo-biz, boo-boo. Oh, boo-boos. Yeah, I'm full of, full of sweet liquid. But the weird thing for me about this whole thing is that, like, isn't it like a clinical degree?

Isn't that... Yeah, he got the degree. Yeah, he's got degree. He graduated with honor. In massage and titties. So why is he arriving all suspicious? He's clinical degree? Isn't that? Yeah, he got the degree. Yeah, he's got degree. He graduated with honor. Massage and titties. So why is he arriving all suspicious? He's being a doctor about it. He says, I'm beginning to think this wasn't such a good idea. The husbands are very suspicious.

All the women I trained with have hundreds of clients, but as soon as the husbands realize I'm a man, they turn me down. I'm really very good at this. So people will only get me. It's so sad. I think I would rather I'd go for a woman. really very good at this. So people will only get me. That's why you're sexism. It's so sad. You're sexism. I think I would rather

a woman. I'd go for a woman. But you just want to watch and jack off in the corner because you're a fucking pervert. I mean, this guy, it's a medical practice. He might be gay.

I mean, he could be gay himself. You should say it. I mean, I don't know if you could be gay in China. I mean, here's a picture of the guy. Judge for yourself. That's like a snap judgment

about a sexual. He's gay. Totally gay. Totally gay. He's wearing a necklace. He has the same haircut I do. That's what a snap judgment about his sexual... He's gay. Totally gay. Totally gay. He's wearing a necklace. He has the same haircut I do. That's what I was just... Yeah, exactly.

He does. Does the guy have a name? His name is Young June. Take it. That's a no. Damage June first. As a lady, I mean,

you go to a female gynecologist or you go to a male gynecologist? I actually was just talking about this. Last week, I went to my first male gynecologist. Did you enjoy the experience? It had nothing to? I actually was just talking about this. Last week I went to my first male gynecologist. Did you enjoy the experience? It had nothing to do with the fact that

he was a man, but they have bigger fingers. Absolutely. It hurt a lot. How many times did you squirt? Did I squirt? How many times? Well, he was talking about Son of Sam while he was doing it. So you squirted a lot. I was just like

juice, juice, juice, juice, juice. One of those old fucking Starburst commercials. Thank God we put drinks on the floor. And what did the dog tell him next? Oh my God, it was so great. So the guy had bigger fingers and he puts them inside of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's not sexual at all. Do you have to get wet before you get one of these things done? No, no, they squirt you full of juice. Oh, they squirt you up. Okay, this is what I want to know, because I've seen the things that do the pap smears and they open you up.

It's called a speculum. Thank you. It's a little medical thing that looks like a vice. Yeah, it looks like a duck. To be a speculum. The horrors of my day. That's the worst possible job ever. It's being reincarnated. But do they actually put their fingers up you the horrors of my day. That's the worst possible job ever.

It's being reincarnated. But do they actually put their fingers up you and feel around? No, no, they swab up. They put a swab up there and it goes up inside of your uterus. And then they take their fingers and they shove their fingers in there just to feel around.

With the wrong glove, Doug. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. But these fingers were so thick. Yeah, like mine? Thicker. Really? Thicker than his.

How big was this man? He was a small guy. Was his name Ivan? Yeah. And then when he did the breast check, he'd like the finger dance on your breasts. And it scared me in the eyes the entire time. Was he in a doctor's office or a bar bathroom?

There was a woman present. I was just like, ugh. Was she sad to watch it? She kept laughing at everything that he said. He's like, hey, Spani. Hey, Spani. Because he's talking about the son of Sam the entire time. Right, right, right. Because he lived down the block from him. Oh, wow. Interesting.

Yeah. Wow. And the nurse was from Helena, Georgia or something? Yeah, no, she was. I was in Florida. Oh, okay. That's great. And then we just stare. I feel like staring at you is the weirdest part. Usually you look away.

They all look away. So you're not going to go back to a man, Jackie? No. No, their fingers are too big. Couldn't he be looking at your tits? No, no, they're just feeling for lumps. What words are wrong to say when they're looking at your tits and touching your pussy? Tits, pussy, or median.

You can't do that. Those are no-no words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what the fact is. I did teach you that like day number one. I had female gynecologists tell me that my breasts were soft one time, and that made me uncomfortable as well. I don't know why, but I imagine the word lunch is bad to say. The word lunch?

Lunch. Lunch. Lunch. Lunch is after lunch. I mean, that's a compliment she gave you. She touches tits all day long, every day. She said, you got soft tits. So, I got soft tits. Did she do it in that New Age gross way where it's just like, your breasts are soft?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Yes. I don't like it, Jackie. I don't like it whatsoever. Come to me from now on. Okay, just... Uh, yeah. Yes. I don't like it, Jackie. I don't like it whatsoever. Come to me from now on. Okay, yeah, you got it. You can finger dance on my tits.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make sure your asshole is no cancer. I don't fucking know. That's a proctologist, dude. Oh, that's a proctologist? I'm not a real doctor. You're not? Yeah, you're going to find that out.

After all the physicals you've given me, Kissel? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out you're not supposed to cum on him afterwards. I haven't had sex in a very long time. Oh, you have fucking right on him. You have fucking right. I'm sorry. Move on, Marcus.

I forced you to move. No excuse. Okay, so anyway, the end of this story. Chinese fella. He's groping the lady's titties, and no one goes to him. Yeah, no one goes to him. Go to him if you're in China. Sexism.

He looks like a Chinese version of Criss Angel. He does. Well, that's because that's the black t-shirt. And the necklace. Yeah, also the necklace. Never trust a man wearing a necklace or an anklet. The low cut, where the neckline is, it's not a tank top, it's just a shirt that's given a V. It's a nice V-neck shirt.

It's not a V, it's just the neckline is large. Ah, not a tank top, it's just like a shirt that's given a V. It's a nice V-neck shirt. It's not a V, it's just the neckline is large. Ah, that's called actually a pirate. Alright, with the gays. Let's move on. Thank you, Holden. Alright, so we're gonna go from China over to Thailand. Oh, wow. Oh, same difference? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, why not? Just a cum shot

away. Are we getting some really cheap sneakers? We might. Jackie, what do Thai people talk like? Is it a little different from Chinese? Do you have to set her up for these things? Well, they definitely have a smaller mouth in Thailand. Okay. They're all standing really close. It's more like this.

Oh, the end of the lens. The end of the lens. Turn it off. That's what they sound like, so that's actually fine. And they hate Gary Glitter. Yeah. Who's Gary Glitter? Gary Glitter.

Da da da da da Hey! Da da da da da Da da da da da Hey! Da da da da da How does everyone know that? I don't know.

I have no idea what happened. I feel like I'm in some gay version of fucking the round table. This is like an episode of Glee. I'm dying over here. What are you talking about?

That's a sports song. That's played every fucking sports game ever. That's a sports song. Every fucking sports game ever. That's a pretty masculine song. Hey! Hey! Hey! I love the dolphins!

Jesus Christ. Also, in Thailand, they eat bird fetuses, which is disgusting. Okay. Developed. The little bird body is disgusting. Okay. Developed. So the little bird body is like gross. It's all purple and

veiny. It's disgusting. It's better than little boys. Little boys urine? Where is that? Japan? That's in China. They also have the contest for ladyboys to be beauty queens. And they look great.

That's nice. Now that we've given the audience an idea of what Thailand is, let's go to the story. In Thailand, either it's Thailand or the Philippines, the third gender is officially recognized by the government. Yeah, it's actually very progressive. In Thailand, penis chooses you. All right, Marcus, go to the fucking story. Jesus Christ, we're losing listeners. A Dallas businessman was stabbed to death early Wednesday in a karaoke bar in Thailand

after an allegedly drunken argument with the band because he and his son refused to stop singing and leave the stage. Police arrested three band members over the killing of 51-year-old Bobby Ray Carter Jr., who was stabbed in the chest outside the Little Longhorn Saloon in Aung Nang Beach in Krabi on Thailand's west coast. His 27-year-old son, Adam, was injured outside. The Carters were participating in

Jam with the Band, which offers bar patrons a free CD of their sing-along. Witnesses said Bobby Carter got angry when the band played Hotel California instead of the song he requested and he refused to step down. Carter then became enraged

when the three musicians took a break and he knocked over their tip box after demanding his gratuity be returned. As they left the bar, the Carters then confronted the band outside and resumed the argument. Here's what one of the musicians said, The father knocked me to the ground first, and I could not breathe because he was sitting on my chest.

He's a big fat Texan. Then I spotted a sharp piece of metal nearby, so I grabbed it and stabbed him. He stood his ground. I think this is fine. I mean, what do you think here? We have the Texas fella. So what was the song that they wanted to sing? It doesn't say what the song they wanted to sing.

Devlin was not Hotel California. We know that. I'm going to guess Frank Sinatra. I was going to say Desperado. He's the Texan. I'm thinking, you know what? Walter probably has it right with something with Freebird or Leonard Skinner. Now I'm thinking all my exes live in Texas.

Little good old George Strait. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Don't ride a bull. Don't roller skate in a buffalo herd. Roger Moore. This guy. What about I Got Friends in Low Places? That could be that. Don't ride a... Don't roller skate in a buffalo herd. Roger Miller. What about

I Got Friends in Low Places? That could be that. It could be a Gart song. Much more likely. I think the biggest problem I have with this story is that there's a place you can go

that when you karaoke you get a CD of what you karaoke. Who wants to hear it? Who wants to fucking hear that shit? I never want that memory. I'm fucking wasting it

off my ass every time I karaoke. It's bad enough waking up with a bad shit. Yeah, but you are amazing at karaoke. I don't think that that's true. Well, Jackie is. I don't know. I waste it every time I karaoke. It's bad enough waking up with a bad chick. Yeah, but you are amazing at karaoke. I don't think that that's true. Well, Jackie is.

I don't know. I'm wasted every time I see you do it. I guarantee you this Texas fella wasn't singing like a talented Zabrowski. Although, as much as I feel like I openly hate Hotel California, but when it comes on five times when I'm in Florida, like every day on the Classic Rock Station, I sing along to it. I'll tell you what, man. How about that? Dance to'd sing along to it. I'll tell you what, man. How about that?

Dance to remember, dance to forget. This guy's last words might have been, I hate the fucking Eagles. And it would make a lot of sense. I bet there's been a lot of people that that was the last words of. To be honest, too. Literally the only two options

for the end of that sentence are either the Chinese or the Eagles, right? I hate the Chinese or I hate the Eagles. Or what is this? Thai, rather. And the band members, the entire band was charged with assault and murder. I mean, I feel like... I mean...

No, but there's only three of them, so it was three to two. Yeah, they all... They joined in. Yeah, no, the son got injured as well. Oh, the son jumped in? What I don't understand is I thought in those countries when you kill an American, it just gets put under the rug. It's fine. You're supposed to kill an American.

Because they come into your country. It's like when you kill a cockroach when it's in your house. I mean, do they have trials in Thailand, or do they solve problems a different way? They do it like how you hate it, remember? They just beat the kid. No, that was Singapore. Singapore. Thailand.

No, that was Singapore. Is it Singapore and Thailand? Same difference. No. I think Singapore's a country. I always see it as a country. What's the country where the guy got whipped? That was Singapore.

You haven't been paying attention. I remember that because Emilio Estevez did the SNL sketch of it and Pearl Jam was on and I got to stay up late and watch that episode of SNL. That sounds like a real good memory. I remember my father being happy the kid got beat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, a new thing I can do to Ed. Good.

I never thought of using a cane. Cane. Fun. Cane's like a big hard stick. Beating you with my words and my hands all this time. I can have accessories with this job of being an abusive father? So they're going to go to prison, huh? Oh, yeah.

And Bobby Ray Carter owned LED Cool Lights, an LED lighting manufacturer with offices in Dallas and China. Oh, man. Really? So this guy's just trying to get better light bulbs for the environment. Energy saver. No. Wait, wait, wait. And he goes to China.

And he goes to Thailand. These people are very wasteful. I see the goal. I see the goal. He gets his fucking five-year-old workers in there. They're making the light bulb. They wasted a very good, perfectly good American. I smell a big conspiracy here.

First off, this is Texas. Yeah, karaoke. Karaoke. It happened in Thailand, but he's from Texas. Right, but they're from Texas, so I think the son orchestrated this whole thing in order to take over his father's company. Because he has been secretly been dealing with his mother a Oedipal syndrome, if you will,

or a Hamlet scenario. You mean he's walking the shit out of her pussy. Thank you. I like Jackie's explanation better. And is trying to take over and get his dad out of the picture. Are you going to kill your father so that you can take over his roses? No, I need daddy there to watch it. That's the picture. Are you going to kill your father so that you can take over his roses?

No, I need daddy there to watch it! That's the most disgusting thing you've ever said. That's one thing we've never fully explored is that part of Holden's mommy fetish is making his father watch. Yeah, daddy's there, daddy's there, yay, we can do it now. He's more of a referee. It's an actual sexual fetish.

Traveling? Traveling? Hold it, get back on her. Oh, dribbling. He also has all the bandages so we can bandage us up as we go without having to stop. Yeah, because they fuck like cats and bite. And they like to look like mummies. And my penis is barbed like a cat's.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is fun. No, it's very exciting. I'm happy to know the things that I just thought about. Disgusted. Are you thinking further? I was just really thinking about being cute. I don't know. We laid it out there pretty thick.

I don't know where your creativity could have went. Yeah, it was pretty vivid. It was. I'll tell you what. You are welcome in my house for a beanie weenie night anytime. We'll eat some beanie weenies and we will see who wins, my friend. You're going to win, man. Who wins?

I'm definitely going to lose. I'm going to win. It's a bit of a battle, sir, when we're dealing with the nighttime games. Don't get between holding those canned hot dogs. Yeah. My special mommy lady and my father and our delicate caress. It's almost like a symphony. It's beautiful.

When you think about the relationship with you and your parents. It really is. And when we fuck also, I wanted to add, we listen to I Want Candy. Okay, good. On repeat. Wait, the Aaron Carter version? No, no, the old I Want Candy. Yeah, the Bow Wow Wow version.

I Want Candy. That's actually the second version of that song. Yeah, the Bow Wow Wow version. I want candy. That's actually the second version of that song. Yeah, it was made in the 50s. Ah! Ah! The Bow Wow Wow was actually a cover. Yep. Well.

The more you know. The more you know, indeed. The more you know about Holden having his father watch him have sex with his mother, the more you know. I want candy. I want to move on to a story. All right. Because it involved Holden and his mother. Well, next one up. I want candy. I want to move on to a story. All right. It doesn't involve holding it as a mother.

Well, next one up. This involves children. Yay! Thank you, Mr. Is it a pedophile corner? It is not. Is it my pregnancy? We haven't had a pedophile corner in quite a while, by the way.

I know, because you fucking bitch and moan every time we do one. I do not bitch and moan. You every time say, I thought we weren't doing pedophile corner anymore. I prefer to have one. Ooh, that was a good impression. All right. You heard it's like, I thought we weren't doing Pedophile Corner anymore. I prefer that one. That was a good impression. All right, you heard it here first. Listeners, if you want Pedophile Corner back,

let's get on Facebook. Rape a kid. Let us know. Yeah, rape a kid. You want to make it on the show? And rape a kid screaming, I love you. I'll take the jealous.

But do it in a funny way. He didn't have a van, but it was just like this really bizarre hay truck. Oh my God, and he had a silly wig on. Anyway, the cops said he screamed disses for Marcus when he came. Marcus, would you like that?

No. I'm saying, I'm answering it for you, for fuck's sake. We can bring pedophile quarterback. We just got very pedophile heavy for a couple of months. And I just regret it. It was just what's in the news, man. We don't take the news. We're holding a mirror to society, man. Let's just talk about something else.

That's what it is. Jesus Christ. Or making fun of victims of pedophilia. No, we're not. We're supporting them. That's right. We're making fun of the pedophiles, not the victims. That's right.

That's right. I am. We're supporting them. That's right. We're supporting them. We're the pedophiles, not the victims. That's right. That's right. Yeah. A 12-year-old boy is being charged with using a BB gun to rob a 10-year-old boy who is running a lemonade stand. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Get it. I like this.

It gives a fuck. Sergeant Patrick Goggin said the incident... God. Where are these people? Pat Goggin. Yeah, there was a cop on the scene who had to take this seriously. He says the incident happened... I.45 p.m. Monday when the 12-year-old approached the stand

with what appeared to be a handgun in his pocket and threatened the younger boy. Goggins and the boys, quote, got into a wrestling match over the money box. Oh, man, this 10-year-old's got some fucking balls. Fuck you, dude. Don't you come at me like that. Yeah, before the older boy took $30 and ran away.

$30? A very successful lemonade stand, right? That's a very successful lemonade stand. $30 as a 10-year-old? You could do so much shit with $30. You're swatching on 10 cents of fucking lemonade? 10 cents? 25 cents?

We're just strutting around with this shit. No, it's up to 50 cents now. It's up to 50 cents. No, it's at least a dollar. It's 50 cents. Is that where lemonade's at? You think it's a bucket cup? It has to be. Well, what neighborhood was it in? That's the biggest thing. Well, it's at least a dollar. It's 50 cents. Is that where lemonade's at? You think it's a bucket cup? It has to be.

Well, what neighborhood was it in? That's the biggest thing. Well, it's in Pennsylvania. It was in Johnstown, Pennsylvania. Okay. Ooh, Johnstown. I don't know what that reaction was. It's in Johnstown.

Well, I mean, if you think about it, was it kind of like a lower income area? I feel like I hope that the 12-year-old at least made the 10-year-old take off all of his clothes, right? No, I think he just beat him in the street. Yeah, Jagger, there's no way to turn this into a pedophile corner. I really want it to be a pedophile corner. Johnstown is like a place where you go learn how to buy prostitutes. Sure, it sounds like it, yeah. Oh, Johnstown!

Yeah, I really want to know how the 12-year-old got the idea to go rob this. What do you mean, how do you get the idea? He's out there, he's seeing money being made. Money, money, money.

30 bucks a day for this 10-year-old. Yeah, and it's still a 10-year-old who keeps just sitting out there all by himself. No one's looking. But how much of a pussy is the 12-year-old? Because he's going after

a lemonade stand. Why doesn't he go to a fucking corner store? He's 12! Because he knows he can get that money. He's got to start low. He's smart. What I feel sad about is that I feel like that 12-year-old kid

is going to be put into the same kind of juvie center as in sleepers. Oh, where he gets violently raped. Yeah. He will have a pedophile. And it's not worth it for a lemonade stand. Exactly. Go big. Go big.

Go big. If you're going to fucking rob someone and you're 12. Rob a nun. Rob a nun. Rob a whole church. Rob a fucking, you know, shoot everybody in a house and take all their money. Exactly. So much money does a nun have.

No, if I'm going to commit a crime, I'm not committing petty fucking little shit. I'm going huge. I'm fucking holding up in a fucking building, taking everybody hostage and demanding, you know, six billion dollars. He's 12! And no one's giving you six billion dollars! I'm gonna rob a dog. Yeah! Take him off his fur! Did you own Henry?

That was a diss on you, Holden! Yeah, that's right. Henry is tubs of fun! Holden, if you had a carnival game named after you, what would it be? Pussy and Loud. Well, I was going to say the Goofmobile, but I guess we're going with that, aren't we? Well, the Goofmobile, I think Pussy and Loud is probably the best.

Pussy and Loud would just be like throwing darts at balloons that are filled on a neck. And you have to pop them. I imagine it as one of those like mini roller coaster things that just go in a circle up and down flashing lights and all this stuff

but at the same time it's just like shooting crap all the time. See I was thinking it'd be more like you have to sit in this box with me for an hour and you win the like

stuffed animal cat and then we get in the box and I'm just like See for like a solid hour, Johnstown! What listeners don't know is that that's what we actually do for Murder Fist. Every single fucking week.

Yeah, they figure that out. I hate writing. Me like it. Me speaking a British ooksint when I do it. Marcus, what's another story? Or are we still on this one? Are we done with Lemonade Stand? The kid's going to juvie someplace.

We're done with Lemonade Stand. Let's move on to bee news. Okay, let's go to... Is this a new segment? The letter bees. Blazing butts of booze. Pedophile bees. Oh, man, pedophile bees.

I get behind. They're very rare. It's a rare pet. Yeah, fucking right. Oh, man, pedophile bees. I get behind. They're very rare. It's a rare pet. Yeah, fucking right. Yeah, fucking right. The younger cousin of the killer bee. The pedophile bee. The pedophile bee.

When I was 10, a bunch of bees flew up my butt. It formed a penis and went up in me. Oh, God. They spit their honey inside of my butt. Oh, now I'm a senator. Vote for me. A swarm of about 30,000 bees has attacked a North Texas couple as they exercise their miniature horses, stinging the animals so many times they died. Whoa.

Not the miniature horses. They're so small. You mean Holden? He's a big fat horse. Aren't you supposed to use your tail to swat them away, Holden? Holden, as a horse, how would you get a bunch of bees

off of you? Just gnaw on them? Essentially, I smoke a cigar. That's how I do it. It does work. You smoke to get bees on it A big oversized cigar You can get drunk on smoke Wait so the people were stung as well Yeah the Fort West Star Telegram

Reports 44 year old Christian Beauregard Beauregard Don't clap for that That Don't clap for that. I love it. That was the worst. I love Ed's. Oh, please.

Say it again, friend. Oh, she better be on guard. Get rid of it. Get it out again. Double edit. I don't like it. Give it a take three, Ed. Oh, man.

Go, Garpies. Okay. Well, now I'm on board. Now I really love it. I really like the first two, and I love the last one. Here we are. She was stung 200 times. What a pussy.

Yeah, she says that she was stung 200 times, and her boyfriend around 50 times. Okay. That boyfriend got the fuck out of there. That's why he stung me. Why didn't he dodge the bullet? I mean, this certainly settles the argument are men better athletes than women?

And I would say yes because he got stung 50 times and she got stung 200 times. Baby, run! Baby, run! Run, baby! Don't run away! You're exactly 150 bee bites faster than me.

You stop telling me what to do! Why are you yelling at me? You're covered in bees right now. I'm just trying to help you. That's not the point. That's not what I'm saying. She says the swarm chased them down and followed them. She says they were sweeping up piles of bees like a bad movie.

She says firefighters sprayed a comb substance to clear the bees and dragged the horses to a pasture to be treated by police and paramedics. A six-year-old show horse died before a veterinarian arrived. A Shetland pony spent a night at a veterinary clinic but also died. Oh, that's terrible. It doesn't say how many times the horses died. I don't think they counted the horses. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And by the way, the number of times that they were stung, this is an estimate from Miss Beauregard. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure. And then, you know, once you get a dead horse, The number of times that they were stung, this is an estimate from Miss Beauregard. Yeah. Sure, sure. And then, you know, once you get a dead horse, you don't really count the bee stings. You just start hacking up the body. Yeah, you just gotta have some nice hair.

Package that up, send it straight to the glue factory. What do you do with a tiny horse anyway? You exercise it. You put him on a podcast. You eat it. Exactly. Janestown. Janestown God you are looking

Worse and worse Holden What is happening to you I'm changing We need to do this We need to have this A video podcast It needs to be a video

Everyone needs to see How interesting The only time it was Ever filmed Was the only time My mother flew Surprisingly from Florida Into New York to give me an intervention. Holden didn't actually come up on camera?

No. You can't film him? You can't film him. He's like a vampire. I didn't come up, but I came. Bitch! Marcus, what's another story? You don't cum, you leak.

I'm tank. I'm tank. Hey, did somebody call the plumber? Oh, fuck me. No, Holden's just been leaking all fucking night. Oh, fuck, baby, I'm about to leak real slow. I'm about to leak all over you really, really slowly. The nuts get tighter.

The bottom apartment, the apartment beneath ours is just flooded constantly because Holden's always leaking. He's just drooling out of his dick. My mattress is more like a sponge, sir. And it is filled with it. I know. I've sat on it. Yeah, we all have.

All changing. Okay, one more news. Yeah, let's do one more. Let's do one more. One more. A Cumberland man angry because his internet service wasn't working was jailed Sunday morning after he allegedly threw a cat out of the second story window of an Altamont Terrace apartment and punched a female family member in the face.

That happens. Why wouldn't you have a puncher? You could just throw a cat out of a second-story window. Nothing's going to happen to it. The cat's fine. Yeah, we always used to do that. Sure. Where?

You toss the cat off the balcony. Why? Wait a second. I don't, I don't, I'm, what? So you just always used to throw cats off a second- Balconies. Any floor. And it's fine. It comes back right back. You throw cats off a second. Balconies. Any floor. And it's fun.

It comes back right back. You throw it off again. It's like fun for it. Right, right, right, right, right. I don't think that's true. It is. No, it's not. The cat actually doesn't love it.

Then why did it come back? Because it has nowhere else to go, Ed. What was the last part of it? He punched a female family member in the face. See, that flipped by. That part, I feel like, should have took a top down. The lead? I mean, I don't know.

Throw in a can on her window or punch her in the face. Yeah, but the bitch probably deserved it. I feel like most of the times when a bitch gets punched in the face, she deserves it. If the window is shut, then that's more of a crime. But this is all over internet. This is all about not having an internet. So I imagine what actually happened was it was just like, bitch, you didn't pay that bill?

That's my Kevin Burnett impression. But... I'll give you an A+++. That's a replica KK Kegel, am I right? Oh, Kegel. Pussy exercise for you, sir.

And hate. Anyway. I imagine it was just like, you know, Yeah, yeah, yeah. Pussy exercise for you, sir. Thank you. And hate. Yeah. Anyway. No, but I imagine it was just like, you know, he got mad at the other lady for not paying the internet bill. Right. And so he took the one thing that was precious to her. The cat. The fucking cat that she's always fucking talking about.

Oh, yeah. Tossed it out the fucking window. She comes at him and he punches her to get her off of him because she didn't fucking pay the bill. Oh, no, no, no. There's another layer to the story. He threw the cat out of the window first. That was fine. The punch in the face came

after he tried throwing the dog out the window. Whoa! Uncalled for. Dogs don't land on their feet. That dog would die. You can't be throwing a dog out of a window. You never threw dogs off balconies, did you, Eddie? No, no, no.

You better fucking not have Eddie. That's right, Eddie. I like doggies. If Ed saw a dog fly out of a person's window, he'd literally bust down the door and go punch the guy dead. The only situation you want to throw a dog is if another dog is going to catch that dog. Yes. Or if the dog is biting you. Like an air bud from like FDNY.

Like a Datsun in a Marmaduke kind of thing where you just like use a little stick. Or you toss it in the pool. And for context, this all happened at 8.30 in the morning. Oh, he was meth out of his mind. He was meth out of his fucking gourd. He was still drunk. Just throwing any animal that he saw out the window. Where was this?

Where was this? This was in, let me check here. I'm going with Florida. I'm going to say Alabama. I'm going with Florida. I'm going to say Alabama. I'm going to say Virginia. Oklahoma. Montana. Ed, what do you got? He says Cumberland. I remember Cumberland Farms

is where we used to buy liquor. You guys are way off. This is in England. Oh! They don't even have balconies in England. They all live in the dirt. Cumberland Farms is where we used to always get our underage alcohol back in Pocono. What? They don't even have balconies in England. They all live in the dirt. Out of windows. I agree. Cumberland Farms is where we used to always get our underage alcohol back in Pocono. I take it back.

It's in upstate New York. We get a lot of those limey names from them. Yeah, of course. I take it back. It's in Maryland. Why are you doing this? So it's new Cumberland. Why are you doing this to us?

I don't know how to feel about it. Well, I looked up the Wikipedia and then I saw Cumberland, England, and then I looked at other stories and it mentioned Pizza Hut. I'm like,

oh, it must be the other one in New York. Pizza Hut in England. And then I looked at the weather on the side of the webpage and it said Cumberland, Maryland.

It says ND. It's 77 degrees there. I have to hear the word Cumberland one more time. I'm going to call up all my ex-girlfriends and re-break up with them. Whoa. Don't you mean have them re-break up with you? C hear the word Cumberland one more time. I'm going to call up all my ex-girlfriends and re-break up with them. Whoa!

Don't you mean have them re-break up with you? Cumberland! Cumberland! Cumberland! Break up with them for the first time? Or was the last time you left a woman? I will re-get dumped by them. That is true. Yeah, get dumped by them all over again. I want to hear you call all your ex-girlfriends and re-break up with them and be like,

I left you, Holden. Oh yeah, that's right. Never mind. And I ain't coming back! And I'm done too! Now I'm gonna go play with my penis and you're not gonna be there for the fun make. All right. We're gonna hold this time for a segment

for Paul McNeil. My god, it's a monster. He must be changing! So are you becoming a tiny horse or a lizard? Is he a large lizard or a small horse? Or a small horse? I don't know. He's a shapeshifting alien, like the thing. Well, you might be the president soon.

You never became a sexy woman. I'm waiting for that change. Am I right? So what do you guys think? Hizzard or Loris? Let's go with Hizzard. I'm a huge fan of the Lorce. You like Lorce?

Kissel, if Holden shapeshifted into a really fucking sexy woman and you knew that he was Holden you certainly wouldn't need lube. Would you fuck him? Yeah, totally. Changing!

Nope, never mind. I kind of like Lors, too, actually. I was going to say, do you think about Lors? Whenever he talks, it's in Lors code. I was thinking Lizors, so I could be kind of like Snoop Dogg-ish.

What up, my Lizors? Okay. I like Lizors. All right, we're going to do a segment. All right, this is a segment where we all talk in foreign accents At the same time I did not approve this beforehand That's just a dog

My name is Irogibara Alright, today's segment We are doing Murder Fist moments of changing. So, what we're going to do is we're going to pick our favorite. I don't know, man. I've drank way too much this week. I need a break. This is you. My mind is gush right now.

My mind is moosh moosh. I'm stressed out and drinking a lot. Double moosh. Moosh mash. Double moosh. But I'm here to talk about a murderfist moment. Multi-millionaire murderfist enthusiast Marcus Parks is going to pick the best moment. Word.

My moment is an obvious one. Greatest performance experience of my life. The 12-hour long show that we did. Yeah. I have to say it right off the bat. I thought about maybe the, well, I'm sure you guys are going to name the other one I was thinking of. Why don't you name the moment of the 12-hour show? The moment of the 12-hour show.

I don't know, when they were all chanting our fucking name at the end, being fucking, the whole place was packed. We were not getting moved. Yeah.

Well, that's a very funny moment that you remember. I'm fucking saying. No, me and Mike, I forgot. We were selling merch.

You guys sold merch when you were there the entire 12 hours. Yeah, 12 hours. And you guys got wasted. I don't remember. Fucking hammer. You guys were merch and you were there the entire 12 hours. Yeah, 12 hours. And you guys got wasted. I don't remember. Shit fucking hammer.

You guys were like one eye open. I do not remember the last hour and a half of this. Well, Marcus made the mistake of trying to drink with me. I think you were trying

to keep up with me. Never keep up with the Kiss Man. I was trying, but you know, it was also a time of four locos. That's true.

Oh man, we did go through that phase all together. I drank a lot of four locos that night, but you know what? At the end of the night, still got a number from a gal that phase. I drank a lot of Four Locos that night, but you know what? At the end of the night, still got a number from a gal.

Wow. Do you remember what she looked like? She looked like a door. She looked like a door. She actually looked like the door that I was carving my number in. 27B. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But like really fucking hot. I was like... Her name was Green Rib. I was like, name was Green River. Oh yeah. I was turning her on. Oh, first floor apartment too. Walter, what's your favorite

murder fist moment? Oh God. All right. I would have to say my favorite murder fist moment, which is an entire thing. Where you look the best or everyone loves you the best.

What's the best? Yes, that is exactly, that is exactly. No, my favorite murder fist moment actually happens many times because of the biggest sketch that we do, Boardroom, that a lot of people have seen. There's always a moment at the very end where Henry and I always look

at each other, where we have a little interaction, and every time we always do something different to each other, and it's awesome. That's just my moment with murder fist. I thought you were going to say, after Henry lost weight, and we could see his fucking nutsack. He has lost a lot of weight. We are doing boardroom at the 10th anniversary show.

We are doing it there, yes. If you come, you will see Henry's nuts. You can see deep within him. I personally had to tell him because when he holds it with one hand, you see all of his bush and you see his nuts. Because he lost weight. It's just the bush. Everyone's got the bush.

He lost weight. I cannot see those things. Because he lost weight. It's just the bush. Everyone's got the bush. He lost weight. She barely used to cover it. I cannot see those things. I cannot unsee those things. Don't look at them. I love that you can see your sister's gnawed up tit. Yeah. But you can't see

a little bit of fucking bush hair. It's red. It's fucking like red. The gnawed up tit makes me want to fucking punch a mailman and throw up. Yeah, well, Henry and I

don't even hug, so let's just keep it at that. Littlefield, 8 p.m., August 8th. Come watch Henry Zebrowski reveal his nuts to you. Right?

But no, to answer Ed's question, it's juice, give me the green light to kick the shit out of Patrick. And we always have this tiny little moment with each other

afterwards and before we go on. It's beautiful. That's my favorite moment. It's wonderful. That's great. Ben Kissel, what's the thing you love most about Matter Fist?

I live with Holden McNeely, which means I live on a farm. The thing is, the greatest memory I have with Murder Fist is when the last person leaves my apartment after rehearsal. And I'm just like, oh, they're gone. But I never leave. And then he stays. And we just laugh and laugh. And I watch him play video games for hours. They're an edgy group.

You wouldn't believe what they do. Going back to what Walter said, I have a good boardroom moment. It's not my favorite thing, but I just want to bring it up. Well, explain what boardroom is. Boardroom is basically, where's the numbers? You've got to get the numbers. It's a bunch of cokeheads. What's the sketch about?

A bunch of cokeheads. Office. Cockheads. Boardroom guys. Yeah. It's a murder fist office sketch. So you can imagine him saying that. And then there's a guy fist office sketch so you can imagine no one saying that and then there's a guy

who had the numbers of what happened this quarter basically just a report of what happened right and then he loses the numbers

when he's getting raped in the parking lot sure and Henry's the one getting raped and he shows up naked in the board that's right

yes but my moment is whenever Henry's naked backstage is a moment where everyone has to like clap

because we do a little Shakespeare thing like that and whenever we do the clapping I just slap Henry is naked backstage is a moment where everyone has to clap because we do a little Shakespeare thing like that. Whenever we do the clapping, I just slap Henry's naked body. And you love that. I'm sure Henry is thrilled every time you fucking paw over him. That happens for no one's sake. No one knows about it but me and Henry

don't know. Oh, that's nice. Is his name Baloney? No, it's Maloney. Kellen, what's your favorite fucking moment? I'm not allowing this to happen. Back when we were in Tallahassee, when we were at the gay bar, and there was that moment

where we were doing some stupid show. We were performing at a gay bar in Tallahassee. It was my favorite place because we had this fucking... Really? Kellen, explain why was Brothers your favorite place, Kellen? Oh, why? I can't fucking...

Yeah, it was great. They had a dance floor that we literally put a whole theatrical performance on because the lights were so amazing. Ed went through a fucking wall one day because we were doing... I forgot about that. That was my moment where I was just like... Yeah, I put myself through a wall right in the middle of the sketch. Wasn't that the show you were on, Mushers?

Did you have Kool-Aid with you? Yeah, I was trying through a wall right in the middle of the sketch. Wasn't that to show you were on moderns? Did you have Kool-Aid with you? Yeah, I was trying to bounce off the wall, and then instead I just ran and went completely through it. You beat the wall? I mean, it's a structure that theoretically is supposed to hold a building. It's also a gay bar at the end of a strip mall in Tallahassee, Florida. How many people were fucked by and on that wall? And one Ed Larson just shattered the entire thing.

The memories. The memories that were broken. Yeah, and that was the moment I was just like, all right, well, this is going to happen all the time. Yeah. I wish there were more violent stories. There was that fucking story. I hit John in the back.

Yeah. All right. And the blender. Nick Chavarro put his hand in the blender. What are the most violent things that's ever happened to us? I don't know. That seems like... Seems about right.

I know there was that time that Carly knocked Holden out with a dildo. Yeah, that hurt very bad. A double dung got you. She smacks me real hard. Dude, those things hurt if you use them for pain. People have been beat to death with dildos. Absolutely. God, what a terrible way to die.

Terrible. Jackie, what a terrible way to die. Terrible. Jackie, what's your favorite lizard? When I came into Murderfest, I had to basically audition because as Henry's sister, he's like,

my sister's coming to college. I want you guys to meet her. So it was like my first week in college and I had to go to an improv rehearsal because we used to do improv shows. I love that you think of it as an audition because it was literally Henry was like my first week in college, and I had to go to an improv rehearsal because we used to do improv shows. I love that you think of it as an audition because it was literally Henry was like, so my sister's in the group. Well, because Henry made it such a big thing.

He's like, because he sat me down and was just like, you got to be like chill, but like on it. You know, like you got to be like drinking, but not drinking too much. Meanwhile, he just told us you were in. Yeah. He was like, she's in the group, so Yeah. She didn't even talk to me about it. I saw it as the most intense night. That was the night I started smoking cigarettes where I went through all of high

school doing insane drugs, never smoked a cigarette. That night, because you guys all smoked, I was like, yeah, I gotta smoke cigarettes with my boy. And then afterwards, Ed was just like, you did good. I think they might like you. Oh, Jesus. And I think you might be it.

That's your favorite? That's my favorite. Because at the time, I was so like, you think so? You think I did good? So your favorite moment is all about abuse and deception?

Yes. That's about right. That sounds like murder-fist. Yeah, it's a moment that involves Henry. It shows, dude, like how much I wanted to be friends

even though you guys were just all fucking losers. And fat. And just fat losers made each other fucking laugh. Ed Larson,

make the girls wild and crazy with your favorite murder-fist moment. My favorite murder-fist moment is in the future and that's Holden's funeral. Dude, what is that party?

The weird thing about that is that you're not gonna be there. I know, I know. Eddie will fucking be there. I will freeze my body. I'll make sure you're there. Wake me up. I will freeze my body. That's right. I'll make sure you're there. And you will wake me up. I'll wheel you in.

And it's for three minutes. I'll fucking wheel you in. Just see, hold this corpse, and I will die a happy man. I will dig you up from the fucking grave. Wake up, wake up, Ed. And I will open up your fucking eyes. Ed, wake up. That's the thing.

Holden has to, we have to have an open casket just so when we walk by, we can fucking punch you in the face. Yeah, or we can spit on him. Or spit, you can do whatever you want to him. He's dead. I'll spit on him. I want to spit on him or spit you do whatever you want to he's dead open casket open bar yeah that's the way to fucking die but my favorite moment in real life is uh when we did a sketch called firemen love blow jobs and it's about how firemen really committed 9-11 the most offensive sketch we've ever made for blow jobs yeah for blow jobs i can see that yeah and then we did it at Rafifi in front of a bunch of people

who were not happy about it. Rafifi was a very, very famous place in New York City for quite a while. Eugene Meerman started out there. We started doing stuff there right when it was dying. So, yeah. We were kind of the cause.

We put a nail in the coffin. Yeah, that's good. All right, Marcus. Well, I gotta say, I'm a multi-million dollar Murder Fist enthusiast. So, naturally, what my entire goal is, I a multi-million dollar Murder Fist enthusiast. So naturally, what my entire goal is, I'm making a documentary about Murder Fist.

Okay. Yeah, of course. That's a great idea. Yeah, it's a great idea. So the 12-hour show is going to be a very big part of that. But any kind of documentary needs a climax. It needs that poignant moment. And you know what that moment's going to be?

It's going to be Holden's Fever. Yeah! And Larsen's face. Yeah! Ed Larson's day. I broke the slump. I was in a slump. I haven't won in a while. And I'd like to thank my mother for being fucking hungry and feeding me as a baby when I was inside of it. All right. And I'd like to thank my father for hitting me.

I'd like to thank Holden's mother for fucking slopping on this big gnarly wine. He's changing! Thank you for being here, Kelly. Yeah, man, I'm so glad Kevin Barnett was not here. I know, it was great without him. Little Field, this Thursday, August 8th, 8 p.m. And I want to say in all earnest, Murder Fist is the greatest sketch group that ever existed. Get there early.

And you're going to love the fucking show. Show starts at 8. Get there at like 7, 7.30. Get there at fucking 6. I'll be there at 6 at the bar. You come and hang out with me. There's a pre-show where you can come hang out. Pre-show carnival style pre-show.

Just so you know, I will be there doing face painting. Yep. Yep. And Marcus, how is your face painting? My face painting skills are top. No, I've seen seen it and it's amazing but also we have people doing caricatures.

We have all these little carnival stuff going on. Kevin Barnett's gonna be guessing weight. Big gay Kev. He's not gonna fucking put his hands on me. Mook?

What did you just say? Mook. Mook is fine. Mook is all right. Mook is all right. Mook is fine. Mook is universal. Mook is fine

but until they find out what it means. Don't bring a fucking, don't bring, pick a piece of shit. Just come to the fucking Murderfish show. Mook is fine. Moolie is bad. Moolie is bad. This is all I have to know. Mookie Wilson, he's black.

Okay. Mookie Blaylock, another black guy. One of his best friends is Mookie. Okay. I wanted to say something nice about Murderfish, but now I can't anymore. What's wrong? What's wrong? Why you can't say something nice about murder fist but now I can't anymore what's wrong why you can't say something nice the fuck is wrong with you kiss all murder fist is a very funny sketch group that saved my life goodbye