The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 157: Let's Pueblo That Muchacha

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a testicle gobbling cousin of the piranha is terrorizing Scandinavia, a routine monkey walk ends in murder, and Pedophile Corner returns with a man claiming to be a sexologist. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski and Sara Benincasa!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. And he's on prayer. Let's get some impression. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. I won't

do it. Catholic God. Wow. White thin Jesus. All right. White thin Jesus. You're the only real Jesus to me. Unbelievable, Eddie. Thank you for saying that.

You sound like a pedophile, white fin Jesus. White fin Jesus, I'd like to thank you for taking my ass, virginity. Whoa. Is this a confession or a prayer? Wow. What's happening here, Edward? All right. Actually, we're praying for the round table to win the Creek Awards against all the other.

I thought we were going to mention this thing. What do you mean? All right. We're nominated, baby. Okay. We're the champions. We're from last year. It's ours.

It's ours to lose. We're like Matt Damon from Good Will Hunting. Yeah. But praying to win this is our first sincere prayer. It makes it seem so much sadder. That's right. I think Kevin said it right. All right, all right.

I pray that everybody loses. That's better. That way we're still the champions and we don't have to win. That's perfect. Yeah. Especially Mike Lawrence. I want him to lose. Okay.

Okay. Give him one win. Nah, man. He got wet hands. He does. He's Give him one win. Nah, man. He's got wet hands. He's got a hot girlfriend, so it doesn't even really matter. Yeah, he's got a dinner. That's his win. He's done. A little inside there.

Mike Lawrence is doing great, though. He's got a lot of money. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, dear God, everybody loses the podcast awards at the Creek. And thank you for not nominating Page 7. Thank you for not nominating Last Podcast. Fuck that. Thank you for not nominating Top Hat.

And Page 7 wasn't fucking nominated either. What was nominated? Page 7. He already thanked that, Jackie. He already thanked that. Yeah, he wasn't nominated. And I thank you, God. I thank you, female Rebecca Rebecca God for not nominating

them because they didn't deserve it and they're just not good enough that's right he just insulted like so many people on the round table today a lot of jealousy coming through and it's just good to be number

one stay number one I live a champion. I'm going to fucking die a champion. I just feel like the blood rushing to the top of my head. I feel like ODB right now. ODB wins. Why do you feel like ODB? He's in a fucking casket.

Oh, man, but he died a champion. Of what? Of crying cocaine? Being dirty. Yeah, that's true. Alright, is that the end of the prayer? Can it end? Thank you, Jesus. In the name of the Father, and the Son,

and the Holy Spirit, Amen, Catholic God. Again, you're welcome. Thank you again for having me. Welcome to Creek in the Cave Comedy Award winning podcast. The round table of gentlemen. All right.

Who's around this round table that isn't all gentlemen? Oh, so I go first this time? I guess so. Kevin's sitting next to me and it fucks in my head. You need to open your head. Yeah, I shouldn't have to

look to my right. I don't feel right. I like having you in front of me. Keep you in my vision so I know where you're at. Kevin's got things to do. He's got to be able to move at any time. That's right. Jackie's rousy.

I'm fucking here too. Jackie, are you upset? Are you okay? No. You're reeling? Yeah, man. I'm fucking reeling. I'm fucking easy breezy lemon squeezy.

Oh, yeah. Oh, okay. That's good. I thought fucking easy breezy lemon squeezy. Oh, okay. That's good. I thought you were going to say cheddar cheesy. Oh, I wish I did say cheddar cheesy. Well, we can take it from the top. I'm definitely more cheddar cheesy than I am lemon squeezy. That's good.

All right. Then we know Ed's here. How you doing, everybody? Jesus Christ. Are you extra loud today? I'm not sure. I've been hungover for a week. Just like you're the entire movie of Caddyshack 2.

Indeed. Holden McNeely and I'm popping cherries. God damn it. Busting fucking cherries. Sploding up cherries, man. It reminds me of the video Henry was talking about earlier. By busting up cherries, he means sweating under his tits, which he's doing profusely right now.

His breasts are the cherries. The thing I like about fucking squashing fucking cherries, the only time when you have sex and you get to say, you're allowed to say, it's supposed to hurt. Yeah. Right, that's true. That's true. All right.

And then I guess we have the chuckle hut, and sort of sitting in for Kevin for half of the podcast, we got this guy over there. Andrew Zebrowski, I pop cherries when I have them in my slices of pie. You know what, Marcus? I don't think today is a good day to record. Can we not do it today? I don't think we can do it. I'm out of juice.

We can do it. I have faith in us. Busting fucking cherries up in this shit. I don't have faith in you it today. I don't think we can do it. I'm out of juice. We can do it. I have faith in us. Busting fucking cherries up in this shit. I don't have faith in you. I'll lick a melon. Squirt. All right. Well, this is...

All right. I am Ben, and then that is Marcus. Let's just get to a noose. As a matter of fact, no, Ed's gone, so... Lick, lick, lick, lick, lick. And that cherry juice coming down my leg. Cherries like them when they're hairy. It's medicine of cherries.

Medicine of cherries. Hold's medicine of cherries. Holden, have you ever taken a woman's virginity? No. By taking them and stolen, violently beat it out of her? I know normally I should say yes to keep things going, but no, I have not busted a fucking fat cherry before. No, I have not. All right.

But you will do it in the near future, I assume. I've gotten blood on my dick. How did that happen? Not for busting cherries. Fucking riding the red train, brother. I know what you're talking about. I had a bloody dick last week. Absolutely.

Fuck it. Wonderful. Absolutely. Why is it wonderful? Wonderful. Oh, I guess we gotta fuck in the shower tonight. Oh, I guess we do. Oh, let's do it in the bathtub so the water gets red.

Did you guys give each other these bloody dicks? Because I think it sounds like it. No, but we called each other these bloody dicks? Because I think it sounds like it. I once had a nosebleed while naked. Yeah. All right, Edward's back. Let's get to the first news story, because I'll tell you, Eddie, when I have to request filler content,

it gets really disgusting. Well, get to the story. It's even grosser. Thank you for coming back. Swedish and Danish officials are urging Scandinavian males to swim with caution after a fisherman in the Orason Sound caught an eight-inch paku, an Amazonian piranha relative known for its disconcerting particular appetite.

The Telegraph reports that the freshwater fish, which grows up to 35 inches and weighs up to 55 pounds, has earned the nickname ball cutter after its notorious proclivity for eating human testicles. All he eats is nuts. It's a nut-eating fish. In the picture of it, it swims straight up, apparently. Really? Yeah, like right at the nuts.

You can't defend yourself against that, man. No way. This thing is called a paku, too, so it seems like it'd be like, oh, sweet little paku. Yeah, it sounds like poo-poo and cock-on mixed together. Poo-poo and cock-oo. So if a lady is swimming in the water,

she's entirely safe. She has nothing to grab. Unless you have low-hanging lips. Labias and things like that. Is it not just the general area of the body? Like if it just swam right up there, it would just get stuck up inside the hole? Maybe.

I mean, would it just go inside of Jackie? I feel like there's tiny dicks over there, so the pussies probably aren't too big. No, no, no. Not Scandinavia. Really? Yeah, they're hung like fucking dragons. Sure. It's just fun.

I just like that we now have a fun pet name for certain kinds of chicks who love a fucking mouth full of fucking nuts, brother. Ball cockers. The cockers? Cock of fucking nuts, brother. The cockers. Cockers? Cockers. I probably could have guessed that. Well, the reason why it goes for the testicles is because

its normal diet is fruits, nuts, and small fish. Oh, it makes sense. It wouldn't be eating Eddie's nuts. Moving on to the next one. Science made a joke. In order to nullify, they should just start swimming with bags of peaches tied to their belt. All those pakus are like,

Oh, look at that big set of nuts. He's got like nine of them. Let me get that juice. Let me get that nut meat. I don't know if we should. I don't know if we should. I don't know if we should do it. It's really only dangerous to men swimming naked, though. If you have a swimsuit on, you're fine.

Or so say Swedish officials. Yeah. If you believe them. I believe them. I don't fucking believe them for a goddamn second. Borgie borg. I'll tell you what, that would be a great gangster fucking thing to do to dudes to freak them out. Borg to Borg I'll tell you what That would be That would be a great Like gangster Fucking thing to do

To like dudes To freak them out Like catch them in the bathtub Like Big Lebowski And throw in a fucking Paku down there Oh You know what I'm saying

Other thing is You have to explain Like what the fish does Yeah yeah It takes like In a Swedish accent Or whatever It's

It's It's Paku It's It's That's a Swedish accent I don't know Okay You just got Paku Paku You can also pop All the teeth It's an Ipaku. It means it's your nut. That's a Swedish accent? I don't know. Okay.

You just got Paku. Paku. You can also pop all the teeth out of a Paku and get a fucking mind-blowing nut job. She's going like... Just gargling them. Well, speaking of Pakus... It's a $10 fucking prostitute.

Speaking of Pakus, Sarah Benincasa is joining us. Thank you for being here, Sarah Benincasa. I'm so excited to be here, you guys. Can we get a big, like, arousing Let's Eiffel Tower that bitch. One, two, three. Let's Eiffel Tower

that bitch. Sarah Benincasa. Sarah Benincasa was featured on a website entitled Let's Eiffel Tower That Bitch. And I'll tell you, I think it's big. People really like what you're doing. I honestly think it's the most greatest, amazingest thing that's happened to me since I won the third grade spelling bee. Wow.

That's not bad. It's hard not to show my mom and dad because I was laughing so hard when I saw it that they were like, oh, what are you doing? What are you looking at? And I was like, Facebook! So great. It's like they like you. They really, really like you. They like me so much that they want to anally and orally

penetrate me. And high five while they do it. And take you to Paris. I just also want to say you're lucky. I was featured on a website called Let's Rotisserie That Hog. Yeah. So that's at least nice so you got the Eiffel Tower

that's romantic right so it's the sweetest thing a man or two men have ever done for me I think it requires

even three men perhaps no one to videotape it maybe yeah sure one to produce it one to videotape it

and another to distribute they are very They are very confused about you. They think that I'm a Jewess, for one thing. They say, he's got matzah fever, she's got matzah fever, and cue Stevie Wonder, we're in love.

What? Let me see the website, Marcus. That's right, folks. We've got matzah fever over here. This week's matzah fever hottie of the week week's Matzah Fever Hottie of the Week is super hot and funny Sarah Benincasa. This Jewish princess has really been making it happen

for us over here at L-E-T-T-B, and that is why she is a H-O-T-W. Can I get a what, what? And by the way, there is, one of your official press photos,

one of your official press photos is you spread eagling on a couch. That's true. It's like you're begging to be Eiffel Tower

by two web designers. That site was written by a white dude trying to sound like black people in the 90s. That's where we're at right now. We're catching up slowly. What would it at anything?

What if someone was talking to me from the other room? What's that? What? Grandpa is so cool. Especially when his hearing aid isn't working. Well, that's great. And so, Sarah, you feel good about wanting to be Eiffel Towered by these two fellas? I'm sure they're very attractive.

Oh, sure. They seem to be doing very well for themselves. I believe they have no fewer than four followers on Twitter. Oh, that's great. Marcus, I thought that you were motioning that I should give Kevin a blowjob, but I realized that you meant that and talking to the microphone. It looks very similar to give Kevin Barnett a blowjob.

A little bit. It definitely does. Well, right now we're discussing, what is it, the paku fish? The paku fish. The paku fish is a nut-eating fish. It eats dudes' testicles. Swims upward.

I think that's the most important fact to it. It swims right up. It's a torpedo. It's the Hillary Clinton of carps. In a way. I'm not sure how many nuts she eats. There's the juice we've been looking for. I'm back.

It never went anywhere. So, yeah, we're just discussing the ins and outs of this ball-eating fish over here. Now, has anyone yet expressed a desire to experience this? Not yet. Although it is common in the Amazon, because this is where these fish are native to, the story that we're covering, it's special, because they are now showing up in Sweden.

But in the Amazon, it is very common for fishermen to get their testicles bitten off and then bleed out in the river. Wait, but you were saying you have to be naked to get attacked by this fish. Apparently, fishermen do naked stuff. What? It's Brazil. There's barely any clothes, like, at dinner. No savages, that's why.

People have to wear hairnets in their fucking bushes when they sit down and eat their spiced meat platters. That's not so bad. Love that country. Sounds like a good place to be. Go and eat a fucking Salisbury steak off a woman's ass. Ah, yes. Ah, it's called a blue plate dinner because she's so cold. Henry's back.

Hillary Clinton occurs! That's a good one. Everyone really liked that one. Yeah, very nice. Very nice. Anyway, but apparently it doesn't attack female labias too much. So you're fine, Sarah. Well, I have no labias because I got rid of them.

You had them shaved off? I didn't want to be fat. And it took an extra, like, I mean, they were like two pounders. Really? Those are some walls. Right now you made the right choice. Did you have your labias removed, Sarah? Yeah, I did.

How was that surgery for you? It was so fun. It was a great time? You know what? You're like, one day I'm going to be featured on Let's Eiffel Tower that bitch. This is going to be really great. Yeah, it's called a roast beef-ectomy. Yeah, you had your...

Interesting. I think that's an army thing. Marcus is back! Marcus is back! I don't know if anyone was ever gone. I just sound confused about the whole thing. You guys, off topic, I just realized I took Klonopin earlier,

and now I'm drinking a margarita, which is a terrible idea. Does anybody want my margarita? Oh, no. I'd rather see what happens to you. You're going to wake up with that labia sewed back on. Sewed onto your cheeks. Anybody want my margarita? Oh, no. I'd rather see what happens to you. You're going to wake up with that labia sewed back on. Sewed onto your cheeks.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, look at me. I'm Walter Matthau. Now that's comedy. Holden is back. Holden, you didn't say it. That's fine. All right.

Well, I guess we've had enough of nutty and fish. Let's go on to another story. A man walking his pet monkey while under the influence of drugs beat his neighbor to death in a row over a barmaid. This is out of Dubai. At least he didn't beat the monkey to death. Thank God. No, no. The monkey is fine.

I'm going to go ahead and say that up top. The monkey is fine. Yeah. I'm going to go ahead and say that up top. The 31... The monkey was thrilled. I didn't realize you could walk a pet monkey. Yeah. You can walk a cat if you train it. Yeah, I guess so. You see the monkey runs around. You can drag it.

You can tie a bird to a fucking rope and pull it anywhere you want it to go. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. That's true. Virtually anything. A fucking swordfish. Yeah, I mean, I guess so. That's true. Virtually anything. Anything. Swordfish. Yeah, you could walk a swordfish for a little while. For a little while. That's true.

Well, the 31-year-old Emirati kicked the victim to the ground, bit his nose, and poured sand in his mouth before leaving him to die. Wow. He said he was walking his monkey past his neighbor's house on July 16th. It sounds like he's jacking off. Walking his dick. Just like,

I'm just walking my monkey around. But the way this story sounds, you have to ask the question, was he walking the monkey or was the monkey walking him? Let's think about it. That's a good point. It was a seeing eye monkey.

The monkey's just like, kill that man. The monkey made me do it. Yeah, just rip off his nose and pour sand in his mouth. That's how a monkey kills. It's like Stephen King's Monkey Shines, which is a terrible scientific experiment gone terribly wrong. Or terribly right.

The man said he was walking his monkey past his neighbor's house on July 16th when the neighbor called his name. Quote, he told me to stay away from his girlfriend who worked at a bar. The neighbor challenged him to a fight. She works at the only bar in town. Hey, you with the monkey. Stay away from my girlfriend. Are you talking to me?

Do you think he's talking to me, monkey? Oh, yes, he's talking to you. The man said, let's meet head to head. I agreed and we headed to a nearby place. The man said he was tying his monkey to a pole when his neighbor took him by surprise and slashed his head with a razor blade. This is a white fight, right? No, this is Dubai. Oh, this is in Dubai?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just feel like this is how royalty fights. We will meet at a secured location and we will get our aggression out on each other in a nice environment. Dubai's filled with rich white people, though, isn't it? Yeah, you can kind of do anything you want in Dubai. They have an indoor ski slope in their mall. I mean, it's a wild place. It sounds insane.

Anything can happen. Yeah. But instead of snow, they use the ashes of girls. Yeah. That's actually sad. Sad but true. It was also weird. Instead of skis, they use long baguettes of bread.

Oh, that's kind of fun. In a zany time. Yeah, you have something to take home if you work there. That's kind of fun. You get the old loaves of bread there. It's kind of nice. Consistently here, that's what they call me. Ben Kissel, consistently here.

The perp said the neighbor sprayed sand into his face and poked him in the eye. He said, I punched him in the face and kicked him around so he fell. Then I bit his nose and put some sand in his mouth. The neighbor then had difficulty breathing. Of course. The Emirati said, he asked me to bring him some water

so I got some from a nearby house and helped him to drink it. What? You went and got him a glass of water? Okay, okay, I get some water. So, Henry, how did he ask for that with the sand in his mouth? You'd look like you'd use a glass of water. Let's turn that sand into mud. Well, after he brought him the water, the neighbor's condition deteriorated, so he took his monkey and fled.

That does happen. What they don't say is that he hopped on the monkey's back and he rode him right down the street. I feel like he had to try. The neighbor had to catch him off guard when he was putting away the monkey because he didn't want him to use the power of monkey love. But what he did not know is that it was already too late. Go get it, monkey. The man did not die from sand poisoning,

however. Sand poisoning? That's fine. That's acceptable. That's just my diagnosis. I like it, though. Yeah, yeah. He said the cause of death

was concussion and internal bleeding in the head. Oh. That'll happen. That's a good hit. Not bad. Yeah, but does the guy get in trouble even though, I happen. That's a good hit. Not bad. Yeah, but does the guy get in trouble

even though, I mean, it was a concussion. It wasn't the sand that he shoved down his throat. Fair fight. I think the guy gets in a lot of trouble because that fella he hit in the head and then shoved sand in his mouth, he died. I think that gets you in trouble. I don't think it...

Yeah, duels aren't real anymore. Just because you say that you're going to pick a specific place and fight somebody, I don't think it's cool anymore. Just because you say that you're going to pick a specific place and fight somebody, I don't think it's cool anymore. But it is Dubai. Yeah, it's a gentleman's contract. This is the thing. I've been on so many drugs that have never been like,

I've never known where I am. What drug was he on that he knew exactly where to go and was it like the parking lot of a White Castle? Aspirin. What do you mean? You usually go fight in a field or something. where to go and was it like the parking lot of a white castle? Aspirin. What do you mean? You usually go fight in a field or something. Good soccer field. Dubai is full of... There's a bunch of different places that you could

fight somebody to the death in Dubai. Absolutely. Like on top of the ski slope. Indeed. Have any of you guys ever, or girl, ever been in a fight? You're welcome. I thought she was talking to me. Like been in a fight where you had to have an appointed time and place?

When I was a kid. Really? No. No, mine were pretty much. It wasn't after school at the parking lot? No, no. You never let them make a decision. You just attack.

No, I had a couple of fight dates. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Over by the dirt mound. That's a little too romantic. Yeah. Well, I won. By the dirt mound?

Yeah. No, I used to win fights all the time when I was a kid. What was your strategy going in? That's just City Hall in Texas. Hit and bite. Hit and bite. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Scratch, too, probably.

Yeah. Your strategy was hit and bite? Not a clean fighter. That's good. You shouldn't be. That's necessary.? Not a clean fighter. That's good. You shouldn't be. I was in a clean fighter. Scrap. Go for the nuts,

like the paku fish. Actually, my dad always said that about fighting, is if you fight, fight dirty. Yeah, and go for the face.

Yeah. It just freaks him out. You grab my balls and you shake his balls a bunch like a paku. You shake his nuts. You beat the paku. Right.

Stick your finger in their ear real hard. That's a good one. Beat the paku. Yeah, yeah. That's another good way There's a pressure point right behind the ear

and if you push that dude just fucking drops. You also like try to kiss the dude. Right. You like get him down and you just like just like little kisses

on his mouth start biting his neck a little bit. You put his hand on your balls. Oh that is much much much much You ever see like a man

like will try to entice another man to fight by blowing him kisses, and then the other one will start blowing kisses back, and then that makes them really mad at each other, and then they fight? What kind of gay-ass fight do you witness? That's amazing. It seems like you're just about to make out.

You have to leave? All right, everybody, let's sing about a Kevin Barnett. Goodbye, Kevin! Nice to see you, Kevin. Have a good show. Go on and continue to advance your career. Let's sing about a Kevin Barnett. Goodbye, Kevin Barnett. Nice to see you, Kevin. Have a good show. Go on and continue to advance your career. We'll be here waiting.

Forever. Forever and ever and ever. I do love a good kiss-kiss fight. That's a fun way to entice somebody into some violence. Yeah, there's some videos online. Yeah, people right before an MMA fight, like, a dude, like, when they get real close, like, a dude kissing another dude in the mouth, and, like, he just

gets so, ooh, I wanna watch that. There's one reaction where the dude gets pissed and clocks the other dude immediately. There's another reaction where he kisses the other guy, like, smiles. Like, he's just like, yeah, yeah, it's great. I may do it. No, that wasn't so bad. Yeah, exactly. He's like, that's awesome, you know? I would immediately take my cock out at that point.

Yeah, I would watch him fuck. Yeah, I want them to start fucking. Fuck and then beat the shit out of each other. Now that's a match. That's a manly match. I wouldn't want to see it. Do you ever see those porns with the two chicks where they're fighting a whole bunch

and then the girl starts to lose? Oh, I've seen that. It's fantastic. Kink.com. The girl loses. It seems like she's really winning. Kink.com puts out some very quality videos in that genre.

Just called wrestling. Yeah, wrestling. Mixed martial farts, you know, and then everyone just kind of like farts. I saw a fight once at a music video shoot where they had these girls from burningangel.com and then they had some girls from suicidegirls.com

Henry has a membership. I used to. One of the suicide girls didn't like the burning angel girl. Now they were supposed to be in a tub full of chocolate pudding, which they were at the music video shoot. Now wait, real quick. The pudding or the women, which they were in the music video shoot. No, no, wait, real quick.

The pudding or the women? I know the basis of Suicide Girls, but I don't know Burning Angel. Can you give me a brief description of each? It's basically like if your dad fucked you, you can be on Burning Angel. But if your uncle fucked you,

then you're a Suicide Girl. Suicide Girls were doing hardcore porn. Oh, okay. And Suicide Girls are like tatted up hipster chicks. And so are Burning Angel Girls. So the same. But Burning Angels are more, they're more like trash.

They have hardcore pornography sex. Again, their fathers fucked them. Yeah. And then suicide girls or uncles fucked them. Yeah. So you've got this uncle fucked girl versus this daddy fucked girl in a tub of chocolate pudding. And some tears.

And they're, yeah, always tears. And they're supposed to be fake fighting. But guess what? They start real fighting. The suicide girl punches Burning Angel girl in the mouth, knocks two of her teeth out. Oh, yeah. That's better for sucking a penis then.

Thank you, God. Well, I guess a tiny penis. Thank you, thank you for doing that. I don't know why I made her retarded, but that also happens. And they had to be pulled apart by the crew. But let me tell you, the band was really into it and all those extras. We were pretty into it, too. It was an entertaining evening of fun in New Jersey.

Oh, yeah. That's right. Oh, in New Jersey. Anytime you're on a nice photo shoot in New Jersey involving a bunch of porn stars, it'll always end with two women fighting and one losing a couple of teeth. What would make a grip more ecstatic than having to pull apart two fighting, naked, tatted up Okay, okay, ladies.

Henry, I can feel your heart all across the table. I mean, that's the thing. Henry, drain the pool. Here's a large straw. Oh, thank you so very much. Tastes like chocolate pudding. See, I think that it has a chalky undertone.

So did they film while they were real fighting? Yeah, they did, but they had to cut some of it out because there was some kind of insurance issue. Ah, when she lost her teeth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What band was it for? Fuck, what were they called? Suck Mother? Yeah, Suck Mother.

Probably Suck Mother. Who jacks off to two women fighting in chocolate pudding, though? It doesn't seem very ironic to me. I mean, there's really nothing there. Well, chocolate pudding is delicious. Wait, but Ben, I thought you were on a lesbian kick. You're not into that? Not in chocolate pudding.

Why not? Chocolate pudding's great. It seems like they're... Exactly. Yeah, it's like poopies. It seems like they're covered in human fecal matter. I thought you liked doo-doo. I don't...

Why would I like doo-doo? No, he likes pee-pee. He likes pee-pee. You like it when girls get shit on their chest. No, no one likes anybody to have a bunch of shit on them. It's filthy.

Oh, okay. Lou Reed likes to, Lou Reed likes to sit underneath a glass coffee table and have women shit on the glass. Isn't that silly? Yeah, because if you've always had fantasies about

working at Carvel, that's what you want. That's the closest you'll ever come to a woman. I would like to see Lou Reed's Cold Stone. He just makes it real nice right in front of you. It's just all death by chocolate. It's like all the various...

No, but literally, if you do eat it, you will die. It's poo-poo. It is actually human. That is how Lou Reed talks. What is actually human that is how Lou Reed talks what is that Lou Reed talks hello hello

I'm Lou Reed no I like poo poo it's actually poo poo instead of cake batter they got man batter oh yeah and they sing

the cold stone songs cause you know you can ask them to sing the cold stone songs that's right and they have to they have to sing it it's supposed to I've seen some very disgruntled cold songs. And they have to do it. They have to sing it. They have to sing.

I've seen some very disgruntled Cold Stone workers, though. They weren't singing it. Definitely not. I would report them to their fucking manager and get them fired for not showing the proper amount of joy that I gave them a dollar a day. That is a hobby of Henry's. A hobby of Henry's is to get people fired from ice cream restaurants.

Oh, I push them to their limit. I consider myself a stress test type of guy when it comes to people who sing songs at like a TGI Fridays for like your birthday. Like a sizzler? A sizzler. Make my spoon a fork. Now I will be yelping all of this. I don't think there's a proper crunch to my corn fritters. Well, I will be happy to fix the crunch, sir, if that is what you want.

Your ass is grass, Joffrey, if that's your real name. Oh, right. It's actually Johnge. Johnge. Johnge is an amazing name. When we were in sixth grade, we used to call dicks John-ges.

John-ges. Because we found out that John Jay signed the Declaration of Independence and we said his name sounded like a dick name so we shorted it to John-ge

so the teachers wouldn't get us in trouble. So we would go, oh, let's learn more about the John-ge and the teachers would go, what's that?

And we'd go, secretly about pooping and dicks. That's Eiffel Tower, that bitch. You should really get that tattooed on your back. I should.

Sarah Metacosta, as seen on. You get also a beautiful tattoo of the Eiffel Tower. It should be like, let's, and then beautiful, ornate tattoos.

Like right above my ass. Or I mean, it could just be like, let's Eiffel Tower, It should be like Let's and then beautiful ornate tattoos. Like right above my ass. Or I mean it could just be like Let's Eiffel Tower and then just a picture of your face. Let's Eiffel Tower that bitch. I want a like

leaning tower of Pisa which would just be like we lean over and fall asleep on each other. That would be nice. Yeah. He's got like half stack.

Yeah. Well I'm a big fan of flying buttresses. Let's move on to stack. I'm a big fan of flying buttresses. Let's move on to another. I don't know what that means. Alright, it's an architecture term. I thought it was like a whirling dervish, which is like a spinning Arab.

No, I don't know. Hold on. I don't think that that's appropriate. It's not an Arab thing? A whirling dervish, a spinning Arab? Yes, not. A whirling dervish, a spinning Arab? That's what it is. Yes, absolutely. A whirling dervish is a spinning Arab. It's a gas tornado.

Yeah, with knives. Before they had electricity in the desert, those were their fans. They would get the spinniest Arab to spin in a circle. It's like those hippie Muslims, the Sufi Muslims, the hippie kind. They like to swirl around in a circle. That's how they find out. They wear the silly hats.

They're called whirling dervishes. It looks like Fantasia. Man, that's dumb. Indeed. Well, I think that sounds really, really great. I love them. All right, guys. That's nice.

You just creep me out. Why? I don't know. It's creepy when you love things. I love a good whirling dervish. Is it mad that you stick in your erect penis in like a flushing toilet? Yeah, that's what I call it.

I love whirling dervishes. And for the 1000th time, the toilet has not taken my penis. Oh, I will always beat you, penis. Ain't no paku pakus in there. Nope. Now I need you to get out of my bathroom, landlord. Toilet's paku-paku

free. Still got my nuts. Came all over the walls. God. I ejaculated on your walls. I love how we keep being almost funny. I'm working on it, you know. One of these days. No, it's just overall disdain for everyone in the room.

What is... What's the story, Marcus? All right, guys. Back by popular demand. Oh, man. Is it? What do we need to do? It's pedophile corner!

Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I can tell a whole bunch of stuff about it. Come here, come here. Don't touch me! No, not my tiny nut. Hey, you used to trust me, little kid, but now I'm going to destroy that trust. Oh, right.

Oh, what's that? I'm going to get my hands free, man. A lot of fantasies. Hello, I'm your third grade teacher. Now I'm going to be your ultimate nightmare. Good, good, yeah. Well, some people go into teaching for different reasons. That's funny.

Investigators learned Thursday that a man arrested last week for trying to lure a child into having sex claimed he was a college student studying sexology. That is a major thing. Plausible, plausible. How old was he? 30.

Oh, yeah. It's like mixology, but with coming on children. Oh, that's the major difference. His name is Benjamin Clinton Stribling. Don't like that. Prepare to get stribbled. Is that when I get to feel shame in the afternoon? Yes, yes.

I'm going to stribble all over your fucking mouth. I'm going to stribvel you to your burning angel. Can you cut all my laughs out of this segment? I want to run for office. The charges stem from interactions he's accused of having with a girl on Facebook. He's accused of posing as a college student studying sexology and said he had to have sex with girls who were virgins as part of his research. Oh, yeah, I have to pop that cherry.

I guess he was pop, pop, pop, pop, poppin' cherry. Scoosh, scoosh. You got just a shrivel. So I'm in due, man. You just see a picture of a cherry just fucking bust open, then I jump through the screen and it's like, hold it, make me an alien. Have all the fucking girls show me all the tits and everything.

Is it just like my brain that I hear Stribble and I think Strudel? I was thinking double Stribble. Like double Dribble. Yeah, the girl is the Strudel. He is the Strudel. I was thinking Tribble.

Like Star Trek. So to recap, Eddie thought of Yeah, you put your fucking sweet... I was thinking Tribble. Like Star Trek. I was thinking of a dribbling dick. Yeah, yeah. Dribbling from its dick. So to recap, Eddie thought of sports, Sarah thought of Star Trek, and Henry thought of food.

Well, tell him. And all I thought of was Boston cherries! Man, I can't wait to get out there, man. I'm like a fucking Dracula, motherfucker. I can't wait till get out there, man. I'm like a fucking Dracula, motherfucker. I can't wait to take that fucking fruit spear out for a walk holding. Everyone's really going to enjoy it. They call me the Tong. Guess how old the girl was.

I'm going to say she's 17 years old. 13. You got it. 13 years old. Very good. I smelled a rising eighth grader. That's good. I just don't understand why you would want your virginity being taken away from you documented.

I don't think she did. Yeah, it didn't work. She didn't want it. In a post-Kim Kardashian world, we want everything documented, Edward. That's right. Think about it. I think I just realized. Go back to Jezebel.

Leave her alone. She's the only good one there. That's true, I am. I figured out a new sex word for a sex act. Leave her alone. She's the only good one there. That's true, I am. I figured out a new sex word for a sex act. When you go into a room and fuck the shit out of a bunch of gay dudes and chicks who still have their virginity, fruit salad. Fruit salad. Holden, you're in a very special place this evening.

Absolutely. You are on fire. I guess he's changing. I don't know about that tag phrase. And this one. I don't know. But what do you say to lay the line on a 13 year old that you're a college student and it's all just like you can come, you can see my books,

I got a fear and loathing poster in my dorm. I'll drive you around in my car. That's all you have to say. And the girl's like, a car with a boy? I don't think they're that impressed anymore to say. And a girl's like, a car with a boy? And then they think I don't think they're that impressed anymore by that, right?

I mean, I don't know how many times. I think a 13-year-old girl is still a 13-year-old girl. And at that point, you can't just drive around willy-nilly in a car with, like,

your girlfriends, your boyfriends. Yeah, you can't. You can't impress 13-year-old girls with, like, cigarettes. A car and Malibu rum. Yeah.

Excuse me, I just gotta write this down. Yeah, hard dick, man. Yeah, my little cousin just came to town. I had to buy her Malibu rum. Of course. And what was her boyfriend's drink, which I think is even better? Fireball and Mountain Dew. Whoa.

He looked like a fireball and Mountain Dew. Fireball, that's cinnamon schnapps, right? Cinnamon... Cinnamon Nime drunk right now. He looked like a fireball in Mountain Dew. Fireball, that's Cinnamon Schnapps, right? Cinnamon Whip. Cinnamon Nine Junk right now. Hey, my name's Mr. Schminnerman. Yeah, get him, oldie. That's the name of a toothless stripper. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the stage Shmiminin

Come on guys, let me give you some of that Shmimin Come on me, come on me They say that my mouth is like an octopus That's pretty good It's got a beak I'm a geek at you. All right.

We all just went to like a different place for like a second. We're back now. I left and you guys described my perfect strip club. What did I miss? Schminneman. You missed Schminneman, essentially. 13-year-old girls. Yeah, so she's unhappy.

Yeah. I mean, this man was charged with sexual, attempted sex assault on a child, internet luring, and parole violation because he was on parole because he's already a sex offender. Oh! These guys are the scum. But I thought he was supposed to tell everybody when you're a sex offender. He was on the internet. He was doing it across the state.

I mean, can we sort of agree with him to the sexology claim? Yeah, that it's not fair. Well, I mean, if he's a registered sex offender, isn't that the degree? Yeah, you just give you your sexology degree? That or refrigerator repair. That's it.

Refrigerator repair or, you know, continued. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I have to get an A in terrorizing muff today or I won't pass my fucking semester as a fucking, I don't know... Sexologist. Sexologist. Well, I'll say this.

This guy does not show up on the Wikipedia entry for notable contributors to sexology. Ah. There's no Dr. Ruth. But Oswald Cole is on there. Oh, what did he do? I don't know, but Edward Eichel's on there.

Oswald Wong Dong Cole. He's a good guy. You got your Masters and Johnson on there, I would guess. Oh, I like this one. Beverly Whipple. Oh, she found the G spot. She found the G spot. Rutgers University.

I also heard they just found out that the shape of the clitoris in 2009, and that apparently it's an upside-down crucifix. Isn't that something? Do you know that it's got legs? It's got legs. Did you know that? The clitoris has legs. What do you mean it has legs?

Like a spider? You mean it's going to run out of the body? Put itself closer to my fingers then. Have you ever seen a tooth pulled out with the two long things? The nerves. Yeah, that's what a clit looks like. Why are you trying to make women sound more disgusting?

I just can't believe the G-spot was found in Jersey. Yeah, that's what a clit looks like. Why are you trying to make women sound more disgusting? I just can't believe the G-spot was found in Jersey. And they never found it again. I was running away from Wisconsin. I was waiting in New York to become a big-time actress. More notable sexologist, Rolf Jindorf. Oh, yeah. Jindorf. Rolf, the Persian hammer Jindorf.

Yeah, I've heard about him. Vern Bulla. Oh, yeah. Jindal. Rolf, the Persian hammer Jindal. Yeah, I've heard about him. Vern Bulla. Oh, yeah. Very successful man. Giving her the bulla. What that means is that you take her up her lip and you pull it out and you rub it between her lip and her nose. Ah, yeah.

Discovered that. Volkmar Shigush. Voldemort. Voldemort. Shigush. Voldemort. Yeah, yeah. Shigush was huge in the 1920 Summer Olympics. Shigush. When I make the fuck, Shigush real big. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Shegush was huge in the 1920 Summer Olympics.

When I make the fuck Shegush real big. Yeah, yeah. Yes! And finally... Enema with sugar on the ass. And finally... Shit, sugar all over your chest. That sounds kind of fun, right?

The big old sugar shit. I mean, I feel like It sounds kind of fun It's just when everyone Gets quiet And you say things In a very low volume It's very funny Finally

Magnus Hirschfeld Oh Magnus Hirschfeld Invented the thing Where it's okay If you pee a little Right before you come If you're a lady

So that's fine Oh one more John Money He's the producer Yeah baby He created Pornhub little right before you come if you're a lady. That's awesome. Oh, one more. John Money. He's the producer. He created Pornhub. I made this whole fucking thing happen. Sexology wasn't a thing before me.

My name's Johnny Money. I was Johnny Coins, but then I got fucking money. How much for your pussy? $18. Never mind. I'm just going to throw money at it until you love me. How much for your pussy? Oh, you don't know the number?

Let me show you. You'll just call it out. Take traveler's checks. There's also Milton Diamond. Oh. A lot of money names around here. Yeah. These guys got great names.

I think they're all fake names. What? Yeah, probably. Henry, how fucking dare you? I think they're all fake names. What? Henry, how fucking dare you? Johnny Money is real to me and to you. And he's my lover. Well, tell that to Erwin J. Haberle. Or Otto Gross.

He's a biker who raped girls. He broke a lot of different science, though. Turns out they don't like it, which we didn't know that before. I heard that Johnny Money wears money clips for shoes. He's got very tiny feet that look like dollar bills. My name's Otto Gros, and I know more than he is to ever know about a woman. How'd you find that out, Otto? Oh, you know, just

looking inside. I take them and I take them. Jesus God. It's a dark cloud over the room today, I feel. There's a lot going on. It's Sunday. It is Sunday.

Let's Eiffel Tower that bitch that's the sound of us fucking high-fiving by fucking Sarah's ass

everybody's got a dick in my asshole what's that French song that everyone knows vous avez un crochet avec moi ce soir the one that's like...

By Eiffel 65? Don't go by the chute, don't go. Let the chute put it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, we're a real classy bunch. We know about them French songs. What does that mean, Henry?

It's something about I shit in a bucket and you can tell because I smell like it. The bucket does anyway. Yeah, that's true. No, I love that song. I particularly enjoy the message.

I know for a fact that we have no French listeners. No, we do. Actually, French, as far as the countries that listen to us, France is number six. Bonsoir, then, France. Bonsoir. Baguette. I enjoy cheese, France.

One, two, and three is, of course, USA. Cool. USA! USA! USA! We're better! Great Britain. Yeah.

Fuck that, Britzy. Try to love me teas. And, of course, Australia. Ah! Do a lot of Australia. And then number four, Germany. Oh, there's six. Scheisse.

Yeah. That's all the souls of the Jews Kissel's family killed. It is funny when you speak, Sarah. Of course, it's hilarious because Jews

don't have souls. Could that be the name of the episode? No. Ben says Jews don't have souls. Oh, if you put episode? No. Ben says Jews don't have souls. Oh, if you put Ben says Jews don't have souls. No. Benjamin J. Kissel.

No, that's insane. Williamsburg resident. All right. Let's just move on. I thought it was a J. K. Metropolitan Avenue. That's his address. I thought we had a lot of listeners in Guam.

Guam? Yeah, don't we have Guam? There's like eight people in Guam. Don't they all listen? Guam is considered part of the United States. Great. Oh, you know what? I have an update from my last appearance on this program.

Oh, what happened? Which was when Marcus gave out my email address, which granted is very easy to figure out. I got two emails from two different listeners who said to me they wanted to know if I would like a dick pic, and I said, no, thank you. And they said, hey, that's okay.

Loved hearing you on the show. Both of them, very nice people. Very polite. Very nice people. Our listeners are so nice. Very nice people. We love all of you. Yeah, they legitimately thought you wanted one.

They don't even like sending them out. Yeah. It was a gift. They're, they legitimately thought you wanted one. They don't even like sending them out. Yeah. It was a gift. They were just trying to do you a favor. And I was like, no, no, thanks, bro, but that's cool. And they were lovely people. What is it? Yes.

I'll tell you what, that is cool. I feel a little weird about it. What if it's ugly? And then I got to tell them what it looks like. Like that one, that purple throbbing one that Ed's ex-roommate got from the guy upstairs. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh. He accidentally sent her

a dick pic. He was like sending it to a two-year-old weed dealer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sent you a dick pic in an accident. No, sent my roommate a dick pic.

He said it was an accident, but there's no way it was. That's fine. It happens. And his dick was like purple. Oh, sure. It was insane. He told me it was stained

by cherries. Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Well, it doesn Like it was stained by cherries? Yeah. Oh, God. Well, it doesn't matter. Send over all the disgusting pictures. Bust them! Yeah. He's a horrible weed dealer.

He's a bad weed dealer. Anyway, yes. I mean, he sells weed. He's fine. Ed, what makes a good weed dealer? Well, you show up. You have weed. Yeah.

Not too much chit-chat. Yeah, well, that's it. You know, just show up and have the weed. I think we should bring that NSA thing over. By the way, with NSA spying on all of us, we could do a subject for NSA at Cave Comedy Radio. Put in NSA, check this shit out, and send us a bunch of disgusting pictures

at Cave Comedy Radio. That'll be fun. NSA, check it out. To Cave Comedy Radio at gmail.com. Send us your most disgusting, venerate, BD-ridden genitals that you can find. That's it. NSA, check it out

in the subject line it's going to be huge I'm glad I don't have access to that email oh it's all Marcus is going to love it oh it's all for Marcus this is going to be

a great week yeah it's going to be wonderful alright Marcus what's another story buddy a father with children in the house who was preparing

for the rapture blew up his family's Labrador retriever because the devil was inside the dog. He might have been right. How did he blow it up? He attached an explosive device to his dog and detonated it.

At least he didn't shove the explosives up his ass. You don't know that. Well, we don't know that. Just think how cute that dog must have been sitting there with his dynamite hat on for a second. So sweet. It blew his fucking snout off and it was just going... See, it sounds like a devil joke.

Boy, they blew more than the snout off because the remains were strewn around the yard when deputies showed up at the house. What if this guy was on? What if this is true? What if the entire home was haunted by the devil dog? I mean, it's a very good possibility. You never know. The man's name was Christopher Dillingham.

Ah, Dillingham. Yeah, and he lived in, let's see here, Skamania County in Stevenson, Washington. It's actually pronounced Skamania, and they listen to a lot of less than Jake. He's like, I'm sorry, y'all. I was just trying to make dogfetti. Well, you succeeded.

It was a great party. There's a whole bunch of chunks of dog over here. Yeah. Hey, you got that. I got some dog in my... There's dog in the punch. There's just dog in the punch. Why did he think the dog was taken over by the devil?

He's been shitting in the house. He kept smiling at him. Weird. I know who put the devil in a punch. Why did he think the dog was taken over by the devil? He kept on shitting in the house. He kept smiling at him. Weird. I know who put the devil in the dog. The man said that his ex-girlfriend gave him the dog and put the devil in it. Oh, absolutely! Quote, put the devil in it. I think that this is a bad thing to do

with a gift that is an animal from an ex. If you're going to break up with me, I'm going to blow up your dog. You blow up the dog. I mean, I love dogs. I don't like that. But not as much as I hate that ex-girlfriend of mine. So blow her up. No, that's murder. That's human murder.

Yeah. That's fine. Here's how we did it. If she had the devil in the first place, what do you think? That she got rid of all of the devil? You don't think she's not going to put in the parakeet? How do you put the devil in the dog? That's what I want to know.

A siphon. Fist it. You fist it in? That's what I want to know. A siphon. Fist it. You fist it in? It's like a weird whistle song. And he goes, Okay, it's in there. Here's how we did it. He made an explosive device on his homework bench using black powder from fireworks.

He then strapped it around the dog's neck and fed the dog treats to keep it from trying to wriggle out of the bomb. He also allegedly told the deputies he stepped behind a wall before triggering the bomb because he did not want to get injured by flying debris. The dog was decapitated. Best and worst day of that dog's life, though.

You know? I mean, that's not the... Once you pop the fun, don't stop. That's right. It's the Pringle of dogs. Yeah! True. I mean, it's a dog pinata type situation. Funny thing, he was charged with having a possession of explosive devices, but not animal cruelty. That's so fucked up.

I am angry about that. Let's Eiffel Tower that. Yeah. Let's Eiffel Tower that. Is it any more horrible to dress a dog up in a costume for Halloween? I think it is. You're right, Henry. What kind of costume?

For the headless dog costume like the Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Okay. Like an Ichabod Crane situation. Sure. Yeah, if you dress a dog up like Newt Gingrich, and you take it around all day, and everyone's kicking it. You know, because they hate Newt Gingrich so much. But if I dress the dog up like Luigi,

and I go out as Mario, that's okay. No, that's horrible. It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing for you and the dog. King Poopa. Well, it's King Poopa. What if it's the princess? King Poopa.

That's kind of nice. King Papa. King Papa. What if I dress up the dog like a bumblebee and I dress as the hive? So it's inside of you? Yeah, yeah, that's it. Give me that honey. Give me the honey, puppy.

I think he's fucking his dog there. Lick me. Lick, lick. I'll put it on. Sometimes I dress my dog up. Well, I don't put him in a costume, but I dress up like a big lady dog. Right. And I lay down in the garden.

Yes. And you lay down stomach first by any chance? That's fine. Now, occasionally you have to be mounted by your dog in order for you to really realize that you love him. Oh, this is going to be a good one. Yeah. It's good. All right.

It's time for a segment from Old MacNeil. Is that what's happening? It's now good. All right. It's time for a segment from home, McNeil. Is that what's happening? It's now it. All right. So we're going, we're doing the round table of gentlemen school. Ding, ding, ding. Oh, this is a school thing. Yeah.

We're all going to be teachers of a class. You got to jump on board on this one. Do you know that I have a master's degree in teaching? Beautiful. This doesn't help at all with this segment. We're all going to come up with a class that we're going to teach. Marcus is a multi-million dollar principal of a new school he's starting called the School of Roundtable. He's going to choose one of these classes to go into his curriculum.

You do know that a millionaire't, you don't technically, like a millionaire doesn't have to like buy a class. Like it's just like a school thing. I'm just trying to explain it to you. I'm not accredited by the US government. Is he a millionaire again? Every time, yeah.

Oh, every time, okay. Or not every time, but this time. This time I'm a multi-millionaire. So my school, and this is just a curriculum you have to come up with. Yeah, he's a millionaire.

Yeah. I have room for one more teacher. Yes. It's an elective class? It's any class you would like to teach. I am going, this as an example, as my first one, I would like to teach a class on hide and poopy in your neighbor's house. Hide and go poopy.

Hide and go poopy, essentially. It's a lot of field work. We'll be doing a lot of work on the field with my personal neighbors and anyone else in the class's neighbors. We'll pretty much just be pooping in bags and hiding it in weird places in people's houses. And then they'll be like,

oh, where's the poopy? And you have to film it so you can put it online or share it with your friends. So you're just making internet content for yourself. Essentially, yeah. Because it's like, if you, with like... So you're just making like internet content for yourself. Like essentially, yeah, because it's like if you can hide a perfect poopy and then they don't know where it is

and they're always like, oh, why does it smell so bad? It must be Jimmy. It must be, you know, essentially we want to get one of the children of the house admitted to like a mental facility for hiding poopy and ruin the whole family's life. I don't get the class structure. I don't understand what's a class structure.

So we'll come in, I'll pretty much just immediately shit in a bag when we come into the class and be like, that's how you shit in a bag. Bag into it, yeah. And you know, we'll do like a week on shitting in bags

where we'll just get together. You bring cat burglars in, they tell you how to get in people's windows. Exactly. That's week two. This is how you shit in a solo cup. Yeah. And this is how you shit in a toilet

in case you need a refresher. For like the first three weeks, we're going to be watching me shit into different containers a lot. Of course. You bring in a plumber so he can actually go and shit in the pipe.

Yeah. So when you turn on the faucet, liquid shit comes in. Ed, would you like to co-teach this class with me? Is this what you're saying? I mean, you bring me in and I'll like, you know,

I'll do it. Dressed as a plumber. I'll do a day. I'll come in for a class. I can't afford to pay two teachers. No, no, not at all. Ed will be working off the clock. I think that qualifies them. And by the way, the name of the school is the St. Marcus Academy for Boys and

Women. All boys under 15, all women over 23. Yeah, go it. Yes. Boys and women. Now who's the pedophile? So, yeah, essentially...

It's so tough to find love here at Marcus's Boys and Women's School. All the boys are like... There's something about that multi-millionaire principal, Marcus Parks, that I love. Nice. And so, so essentially like the final thesis will be like everyone has to poop

in a certain container of their choosing, hide it in a neighbor's house and fully document that the neighbor's family declined. Cool. A lot of liability issues here,

but. Certainly, but we're talking about poopy here, so I really think But I'm a multi-millionaire, so I've got a lot of lawyers. Absolutely. You have less than a million dollars

and I can get shit pretty much into anywhere. I know you can. I have faith in you. Henry. So this is all right. So you know this fucking class is, because I remember when I was in school, the whole time I was like, this is a cheap fucking deal, man. Right?

Yeah. So the class I'm going to teach is called The Rebel's Guide to Things You Need to Know. And all it is is how to bum cigarettes, how to fucking make a trash can fire, how to fucking shoot a crossbow, no math, no science, and I'm going to say no reading. Is that the high school

Holden went to? I'm just saying. It's like, I actually will fail you if you show up. That's a big thing. Then why am I paying you? This guy.

You're doing it for a personality. You get a personality, a hot shot, up and coming teacher, Mr. Zabrowski. And everyone's like, what's Mr. Z's got going on? It's like, I don't know, but he's a rebel without a cause. And I want to sidle up to that fucking dome piece of his. Okay. All right. How to steal weed?

How to steal weed. How to drink hot milk before you go to sleep to help you go to sleep better. Okay. All right. Well, how to steal weed? How to steal weed, how to drink hot milk before you go to sleep to help you go to sleep better. That's a good one. That is a good one. All right. It's pretty good,

but I still don't know why I'm paying you. Again, personality-driven classes. But you're not going to show up. I'm helping American... Give yourself a nickname. That'll help. The Rocket.

Johnny Money. Johnny Money. Johnny Money. Henry the Rocket Zebrowski. Well, how are you possibly the Rocket Zebrowski? Henry Four Quarters Zebrowski. Four quarters. You go no quarters. You have no class.

Spread a dollar around. Henry Zebrowski knows how to spread a dollar around. That's great. Sweet. That's a personality. Nickel and dimes Henry Zebrowski. That's a personality. All right.

Cheap as a bulk Henry Zebrowski. Pebble in his shoe, Henry Zebrowski. Class is out, Henry Zebrowski. fuck, Henry Zebrowski. Pebble in his shoe, Henry Zebrowski. Class is out, Henry Zebrowski. Homeless Henry Zebrowski. That's the future of Henry Zebrowski. Yeah. But technically, that's what kids need to know in this economy. We're talking about street science, brother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it. Sidewalk English. Well, you know, the less the kids are actually in the facilities, then the less money I'm going to have to spend on plumbing. You don't fucking get me. I'm getting out of here. Are you quitting?

I'm skipping this podcast. He's such a mess. Is he doing this? Is he doing this? He's gone. Henry's a brownskirt. Guess what, Henry? You're hired.

Yeah. And you're fired. That's what I wanted in the first place. Awesome. Take it to public school. Awesome. Let's E I wanted in the first place. Take it to public school. Awesome! Let's Eiffel Tower that. Kissel, what do you got for us? What are you teaching?

Professor Kissel. Professor Kissel. Mush Nineman. How to be drunk in public. Is that what we're doing? Drunk in public. Where do you pee? In every place that the light does not show. Is that your class?

Where to pee? Did you go far away? No, I've never been here. Where am I? The thing is. I thought you were constantly here. Yeah, you said that you were always here. You never came back.

Consistently here. Okay, so not always, but just a lot. Yeah, sure. I mean, there's a bunch of everything. How to get rid of a... How to do felonies. You know, how to get away with felonies, how to get away with... He's biting on my fucking style.

How to... No, I mean, that's the thing. I don't want to bite on your style, but what I'm saying is this. He's harping on my gig. I'm not harping on your fucking gig. I'm not fucking... I got nothing.

You didn't bring this up at all. Yeah, you didn't bring it up. He's riding on my butts. Am I riding on your butts, harping on your gig? It's a fucking bus. It's filled with seats. Yeah, that's why he's fucking Ben Rosa Parks Kissel, everybody.

I ain't sitting in the back of the bus no more. Ben Rosa Parks Kissel is going into the front of the bus. And how far has civil rights gone? I'm now driving the bus for $65,000 a year. Your class is more like how to make your walks as short as possible. I did just realize the ultimate evolution of the civil rights movement was back of the bus,

front of the bus, to driving the bus. But really, driving the bus is a sad job. Marcus, what do you think of the class? It's all come full circle. What? There is no class. It's unclear the curriculum. At this point, every single day is a different class. It's a fun learning experience. Oh, okay.

I'm sorry, school. The class of surprise. Oh, sure enough, I got away with PPN in public. I'm going to tell you guys how I did it. Surprise class. The class of no class. The class of no class. The class of how to get away with everything you ever wanted to do with your entire life.

Confidence. That's number one. It's like Wayside Stories from Sideways School. Okay. I love that book. I love like Wayside Stories from Sideways School. Okay. I love that book. I love that book. Thank you, Harlow. Okay.

That's exactly what I was thinking. All right, well, I'm intrigued. You're not out. All right, sure. You're not out. Sarah. I don't know what it is. So I'm actually starting to teach a class in L.A. in the fall.

Okay. Yes, I'm very excited. I'm teaching it at the Nerdist School. It's called Writing Your Life. It's about writing a memoir. Is it How to Be an eiffel tower let me ask you this how is it going to fit into the saint marcus academy for boys and women let me tell you this i'm going to do a different version of it instead of writing your life

it's called writing your pussy and what you do is it's for women only and they have to learn to write not about their pussies but with their pussies using an antique quill pen strengthening exercises yeah so it's a physical exercise class it's a phys ed class as well

as a creative writing class oh interesting thank you doodle 101. Yeah, man, I'll call that fucking macaroni. You know what I mean? Let me ask you this, Sarah. How are you going to teach this class without a labia? Oh, that's a really good question.

Well, I'll tell you. I am going to teach it with my asshole because after having been Eiffel Towered so many times it's gaping like a wind tunnel. And it can talk to dudes like, hey, call it out back there. Get out of here.

France is closed for the night. I got to do a show. I'm going to take a fat fucking Sharpie marker, stick it in my asshole, and write, and then the girls are going to do that fat fucking Sharpie marker, stick it in my asshole, and write, and then the girls are going to do that with old-fashioned quill pens. I'm sure you're going to tattoo a office hour right above your asshole. All right.

Okay, okay. It's in the running. It's a cross-curricular kind of thing, you know? I mean, I see a lot of advantages to my students here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm trying to provide. All right. I have a proposal Marcus.

Just temporary, just to start off with. Okay. That I'm not the teacher but I'm running a program where we take the women in the school. You take the women? No, you take the women and they are the teachers. We're going to call it Terrorized by Mutt and Muff.

I got it from Henry before when you were talking about terrorizing muff. But you spin it and all the boys make it like a breakdown school for bad kids. You only bring in bad kids from bad areas. And you've got the older women. And older women. Okay, so it's just bad boys. It's bad

boys and good women. And the women are going to break them down and when they're bad, it's by mutt and muff. We put them in a room filled with dogs. And then they got to wrestle the dogs. And if they win, then they get to continue on. Can I say something? Can I just say one thing?

Henry, you can. It sounds like Auschwitz. No. It just happens to sound kind of like a concentration camp. Yeah, except that there are women in charge. Oh, so it's the Lady Auschwitz. It's better. It's only for little boys like felons.

Valschwitz. Yeah, Valschwitz. Little boy felon. Well, I got to tell you, Eddie. Bukin girl. Auschwitz. Because right now, Terrorized by Mutt and Muff, that's number one. Can you beat that?

What do you have it? Well, my class is sneaker production. Finally something useful. Well, because our football team's not that good, and we're not putting that many butts in the stands. And so we've got to get out there, and we've got to start making product. Start making product, shipping it out of town. Putting shoes on feet.

Putting shoes on feet. Putting shoes on feet. Making money. Making money. Making money. These kids have tiny little fingers, and they learn how to sew really fast. It takes me like a half an hour to lace a shoelace. What about putting shoes on hands? Shoes on hands.

Any way we can sell more shoes, the better, because we've got to get these shoes out of here so these fucking kids don't get beat to death. Let me say, first of all, my school is based in upstate New York, not in China. That's just what these fucking brats need, man. They need to be put down and be taught what it's like to be Indonesian. Both of these are not classes. These are programs. That's why I said that mine was temporary as a way of coming in and breaking

them down. Building them back up. We're going to ride through upstate New York with hoods on horses. Gather the children. What kind of hoods? I don't know. Are you the angel of death or a Klansman?

What are we going with? Like those big carriage cases, cages being pulled, and just kids with dirty faces with hands at the bars. Reading books about sneakers. Learning on their way there. You gotta come in.

Don't show up unstudied for a stay at school. There is a summertime reading list. Sounds like Batman Returns. It sounds like the pen was planned. I feel like Marcus was envisioning his school as something like Professor Xavier's School for Special Children or whatever.

These kids are special. We're like giving him Abu Ghraib. I'm offering Marcus an opportunity to further his millions. He's a multi-millionaire. I'm talking multi an opportunity to further his millions. He's a multimillionaire. I'm talking multi-billionaire shoe company, man. All right. All right.

We're talking Nike. I will say that the football team sucks because you let Henry coach. Yeah. Yeah, I know that. Yeah, because organized sports suck. The only thing you've got to do is play fucking guitar and smoke a cigar. I'll tell you what, their fucking feet are good and comfortable, though.

It needs to be a good photo of somebody playing a guitar and smoking a cigar. Marcus, what do we got? Here's what I'm going to say. Poo-pinning containers, by the way. Yeah, I know that. Here's what I'm going to say. I think it's probably not flushed out, so I really would never get a photo shake. Hide-and-go-poopy can be the name. Also, it could

be named, you know, Father Doctor. Janky pussies riding poetry. Yeah, let's double tower that. For the St. Marcus Academy for Boys and Women America chapter, we're going for Jackie. Lies by mutt and muff. Unt muff. Yeah, well now they definitely make sense.

Mutt und muff. Yeah, of course, I've heard of that. For the St. Marcus Academy for Boys and Women Mexico chapter. Ah, Mexico. Advanced sneaker production. Oh, very nice. That means Jackie's the winner. Did Jackie win?

Now you have to live in Mexico. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm going to fucking run that goddamn country. I don't think you can fit in a Pueblo. Oh, you don't think I can fit in a Pueblo? By the way, Eddie, you also have to be the general in charge of killing the cartel that is after my life right now. Thank fucking God. I'll tell you what cartel.

You listen to me, Mexican cartel. Let's see what happens. Yeah, come here. Go find it. 1093 Jackson Avenue. Let's see it, brother. Oh, whoa. Well, this has been the final and last and final and last

last and final roundtable of gentlemen. 6-5-6 Metropolitan Avenue. That's Jack. You can find me there, Mexican. No, you cannot find him there. We'll not be there. He lives with me at 6-5-6. The Zetas have a very large price on my head.

That's Henry. And thank you for being here, Sarah. Oh, it's been wonderful. All right. And Marcus and then myself. I will bring you back all the cactus in Mexico alright so let's just close it out

with one more let's Eiffel Tower that bitch one two three let's Eiffel Tower that bitch wonderful congratulations

we're all so proud of you thank you I'm very proud I did it you shouldn't be talking right now you've got that dick up inside your mouth let's

way blow that muchacha. Oh, I love that. I love that. Henry's back. He's back.