The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 159: Horse Fist Man

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man in China convinces a woman to let him exorcise her vagina demons, two men in separate incidents assault women with pizza, and an Oklahoman is arrested for outhouse crimes. Joining us today: Nimesh Patel and Yang Miller!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, so Holden, you're praying now. Alright, everybody, please close your eyes for a guided meditation.

Alright, you're up in my spot, and you're all my bitches. And you're like, you're just worn out. Fucking beat from it. Ripped apart from it it and it's like yeah it's like

one of you is like oh you fucked me three times and I'm like I'm gonna do it four and I just wanna pause for a second too like listeners at home

if this makes you horny or like it doesn't if you're discovering new shit about yourself like feel free to masturbate to this part of the podcast I thought our eyes

were supposed to be closed closed for the first 20 seconds I don't fucking trust it shit about yourself, feel free to masturbate to this part of the podcast. I was supposed to be close. I was supposed to be close for the first 20 seconds. I don't fucking trust him. No way. I might take it out, whatever. That's what I'm doing right now with all you. I don't know what he's going to do. I take it out. I put it back in. I take it out. I'd just like to say I'm broken

and open for you. Broken and open. I make some sneaky. I do my sneakies and you're sort of like, you know, I mean, and it's like Papa can't say no. And so you're just fucking, you're waiting for it and it's like

you know, going on in the corner and then I bust on your fucking head. You bust on the head? And then you breathe and you open your fucking eyes. And you try to open your eyes, and you can't. Do I look pretty, Daddy? Yeah, because they're glued shut with your seam.

Yeah, glued shut with my fucking dirty jackal fucking... No, it doesn't glue your eyes shut. And then you're back here at the round table of gentlemen. That's it. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I apologize. I am sorry that Holden took you down that dark, disgusting, semen-filled road. Get a rag, clean yourself off for the rest of this thing.

It can be like that. Uh-huh. All right, well, who is everybody around this round table? Jackie Zabrowski. You know, I like to get cum in my hair. You like it in your hair? Yeah, sure. You guys should try it out.

You should cum in a girl's hair without asking. I've had a girl who liked it before. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should. That's not actually true. For what, to wear around the town? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You should. That's not actually true. For what, to wear around the town? Yeah, yeah, for about the town. It's for about the town wear.

Right. And it's not that sticky, you know? It's more like scrum-trol-escent. It's like a leave-in conditioner. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a powder, like a dry shampoo. Yeah. But it's a wet shampoo.

Dude, I had a girl once, I had a woman, I had a woman request the cum in the hair. She enjoyed to comb it out. Something she liked to do. See, that's weird. No, you leave it in. You let it sit like a little splooge pocket on top of your head.

Oh, that's fun. I was west. Go cum nest. I was watching some fun. Actually, recently, there's a show on HBO. It's about the, what's it called?

The whorehouse in Vegas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bunny Ranch. The Bunny Ranch show. It's called like Cat House or something like that. Yeah, it was so popular? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Bunny Ranch. The Bunny Ranch show. It's called Cat House or something like that. Yeah, it was so popular in the 80s, bro. Really fun show. It was like this dude, this clown came in.

That's Yang Miller, by the way. Yang Miller is here. I'll just introduce him right now. This clown came in. Just got back from LA. I'm a real douche. You look like it, bro. Hairless, too.

There was this clown, and he painted her head up like a clown's and had her sit on balloons and bust them and stuff. I saw that one. She just fucked the shit out of her. Yeah, it was really fun. A lot of guys love that balloon pop and stuff. I don't fully understand the fetish. We saw the same episode. Then another dude came in, had a girl ride a stationary bike while he fucked a chick next to the girl with a biker helmet on.

Are all these dudes just rich? Yeah. Every position is another thousand dollars. Every time you move this woman around, they charge you more money. Anyway, we didn't get back to that. Let's get back to the names. Oh, yeah.

What is it? Episode 179. I don't think we have to say the names anymore. Who gives a fuck? I'm Ed Larson, and my dick's leaking pussy juice. Get it checked out. It's not pussy juice.

It's zit juice. Oh, yeah.'s leaking pussy juice. Get it checked out. It's not pussy juice. It's zit juice. Oh, yeah, his inside dick zits? Yeah. That's not right, Eddie. I think those are called lesions. Yeah, exactly. No, those are little pussies on my dick. No, Ed, that's a disease.

They're crying for you. Yeah, exactly. Hell, yeah. Hold him, McNeely. I'm broke, but I'm fucking. Oh, Christ. All right, that's fine. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett.

We got this guy over here to my right who I like very much. I'm Nimesh Patel. Yeah. Good, Nimesh. Much more attractive than Kevin Barnett. You think he's more attractive than KB? Yeah, definitely. Kevin Barnett's got sad face.

He's always shiny. I've been calling him shiny, and I know it's sort of racist, but whatever, dude. That's a great idea. White people can be shiny, too. I've been shiny. Everyone can be shiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put powder on. Get some powder, but whatever, dude. That's a great idea. No white people can be shiny too. I've been shiny. I've been shiny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put powder on.

Get some powder, Barnett. Yeah. That's right. No, you're allowed to make fun of Kevin for being black. You're an Indian, you know? Yeah, I know.

It's a good thing that you guys aren't allowed to do. I'll tell you what, my lady made me put like moisturizer on my face, you know, because she's sick

of my bumpy neck and everything. She wanted more moisture on your face? Yeah, she was like, put this moisture. I hadn't noticed the bumpy neck until you mentioned it. Oh, yeah. Is that a thing? It is for him.

It is, yeah. It is for Holden's thing. And she was like, I know why, you know, I was like, I know you're sending me a message right now because you hate my bumpy, my bumpies. But, like, it just felt weird, man. I don't like that shit on my face. It felt like suntan lotion or some shit.

Yeah, suntan lotion. Fucking tell her no next time, man. Stand up't like that shit on my face. It felt like suntan lotion or some shit. Suntan lotion. Fucking tell her no next time, man. Stand up for yourself. Be a man, Holden. Yeah, no, I was crying. Good. Speaking of suntan lotion, our chuckle-hutter of the day, Yang Miller, just got back from Los Angeles.

You're glossy. You're beautiful. You're very tan. How are you, Yang? Holla, bitches. That's good. I don't want to sit next to him. LA style. LA changed you, Yang? Holla, bitches. That's good. I don't want to sit next to him. L.A. style.

L.A. changed, you guys. You went there a tough New Yorker, and you came back a very pathetic reality star. I am so fake. I'm such a pussy. I'm in bed watching Netflix by 9.30, dude. That's good. Yeah. That's great.

How long were you there? That's my L.A. steez. What are you watching on Netflix right now? What are we plugging? No one cares what you're questioning. It has been a while I've been on the road for like four weeks Fuck you man

Doing fucking weird ass shit Getting into adventures But I just want to say one thing After the introduction The most sexy thing that I have encountered recently Was a girl took her vagina juice Rubbed it on my balls Taint and asshole

While I masturbated It was fucking awesome Really? That happens all the time Really good dude Wow I got a new request. While we were making eye contact. Yeah, we were making eye contact.

It was sexy. That's great, man. You live a different life than me. I'm telling you, when a chick is touching her asshole, you gotta break eye contact. That's the only rule. You just stared at her right in the eyes. It's the deepest connection you could have with another living human. Jackie, do you rub your pussy juice

on Doug? No, I don't fucking rub my pussy juice on Doug. You know where my pussy juice belongs? On his fucking dick. And maybe his mouth. Usually his mouth. That's right. Jackie, you ever touch Doug's asshole? I don't fucking... I did not say it.

You are intimating things. Interesting. Interesting. We'll get more into that later. Jackie, what does a gay Chinese man sound like? Oh, God. Oh, I've never played around with that before. Well, think about it.

I'm Ben Kissel and we got Marcus Parks with some news stories. Let's not get to the racism quite yet. Let's go to the news first. You're going to have opportunity because a self-proclaimed ghostbuster was arrested

in China after he charged a young woman $3,000 to exercise the ghost in her vagina with his penis. Perfect.

Boom. Nice little segue. Now that's how you get a man. That's right. Ghost nutter. I have called my jizz ectoplasm before, so I understand where he's coming from. My balls and my proton pack. That's right.

Proton pack balls, Eddie Larson. It's a brilliant way to get pussy though, isn't it? You're obviously going to go... Not for this guy anyway. He didn't do it well. The woman,

a spice shop employee, consulted the man... A spice shop employee? Well, it's China. They got a lot of spices there. I thought you said spice shop. No.

That's another thing they have over there. I was like, what the fuck is that? She consulted the man after hearing he could advise her how to attract her boss

whom she had a crush on. The two agreed to meet at a hotel room where the man asked hearing he could advise her how to attract her boss, whom she had a crush on. The two agreed to meet at a hotel room, where the man asked her to strip naked and lay on the bed for an examination. I like this. The man then convinced the woman to have intercourse after explaining that ghosts in her vagina are preventing her boss from falling in love with her.

Ghost he could only catch with his penis. What a salesman. Exactly, a penis ghost trap. I mean, that's amazing. And then he charged her $3,000? Yeah. That's awesome.

Wow. To be exact, it's brilliant. It's 20,000 yuan, which is $3,279. Oh, they're crushing us with everything, huh? This sounds like the new genre of a film I'd love to see. It's a sexy, scary, stupid movie. Yeah, exactly. The Sexorcist?

I like the Sexorcist. I'll show you my Slimer. The Sexorcist sounds like a great goddamn porno. I can't believe it. I've seen it. Does it exist? Yeah, of course it does. Is it the same premise? Yeah, absolutely.

Man, they made it in 1974. As soon it the same premise? So easy. Yeah, absolutely. Really? It is. Fuck the liberal. It's almost, man, they made it in 1974. Really? As soon as the action scenes came out. That's porno. That's porno. They're just a mirror of society. Those guys were viral before viral was viral.

Talking to the microphone. Those guys were viral before viral was viral. Am I right? I'm the only one with the rapper mic right now. The only one holding the rapper mic. I got the Kanye mic right now. Hell yeah, buddy. It's brilliant.

It's beautiful. I love the Exorcist. I like that they didn't wait at all to jump on it. Oh, no. I bet the second the Exorcist came out, they're like, Sexorcist, get that fucking kid on the bed. Get the priest's dick inside of her. It probably came out before Exorcist 2.

Actually, I think it did. Didn't the Exorcist come out in like 78? Did the Exorcist fucking steal from the Sexorcist? Is it possible? The Exorcist came out in 1973. Okay, so the same year. Well, the plot of this movie is much different. I saw a different Sexorcist that was put out a few years later.

Dude, a chick fuck herself with a crucifix in the Sexorcist. It must be a scene. Well, it says a female reporter for an occult magazine investigates a story about a murderous devil cult. Ooh, very cool. And it stars Lily Lamar as Diane Tracy. Oh, very nice. And Kelly Guthrie as Professor Ernst von Kleinschmidt. See, that's a nice time in porno when

they used to have their names and then play in a character. Now it's just the person's name. It's just Sasha Gray. It's just Gianna Michaels. Playing Cutthroat. Belladonna, Bobby Starr. But that's her name. But that's her name. Belladonna.

By the way, Marcus and I got to meet Belladonna for the 50th podcast we bring this up on. Are you serious? She's extremely nice. She told us this great story about doing a sex show in Puerto Rico where she had to make them put down a cloth because the stage was splintery.

Yeah, she was getting splinters in her ass. That's for her. That's right. Belladonna's an inspiration. I'm a true fan. Oh, she's getting splinters in her ass. Just for her. That's right. Bella Donna's an inspiration. I'm a true fan. Oh, she's phenomenal. I don't think I've seen her work. Oh, you have to check it out.

She's an artist, dude. She takes sex to the next level. I don't know her. You don't know her either? I don't know Bella Donna. All my porn stars are names. I've never known a name of any of porn stars. Oh, yeah, I do.

I learned that recently. Just like, remember the names you like and then type them. Who are you on to now, Holden? What? I was doing, it's all like redheads. I was doing like- Redheads? Yeah. Oh, that's disgusting.

Leave my people alone. Leave my people out of your sex fantasies. I'm not talking about dudes, man. I'm not talking about dudes. Faye Reagan. Who the fuck else? I like that Faye Reagan. On the spot.

You put me on the spot. I don't know. Yeah, her a lot. No matter how much you're sick. Her schoolgirl. I don't have any particular.

Flame? Never heard of her. Nikki something. Nikki Rhodes. Nikki Rhodes. Hot redhead porn star. Okay. I just.

Do you like white girls or do you jack off to black girls or Indian girls? It depends. It's normally white chicks but it's just because I can't watch Indian porn. Yeah, and Indian porn is never important.

It's weird, man. Indian girls are fucking sexy, but I try to watch an Indian porn. The problem is there's Indian dudes in it. No, see, I've never seen that. Really? I've made like one video and it's always some amateur shit. But it's like really grainy and I like production value. Do they do the blurred penis when it comes to Indian porn? No.

They show the full thing. That's only China. The only problem I have with the India porn is women in India are just actually raped on buses. And like they get treated terribly. So I don't like to watch their porno. In California, it's like women's made there. Girls are treated like goddesses. Yeah, no one gets raped in California.

No, it doesn't happen. It doesn't happen. You got a picture of Bella Donovan? Not that Yang Miller's back in New York. No one's getting raped anyway. Not raped, just dry humped to simultaneous ejaculation. Uh-huh.

Bella, love ya, baby. She does look like a sweetheart. She is a sweetheart. Her gap. But there are tons of amateur chicks who look just as hot. They're just nameless. Anyway, back to this guy's story. So he's got a dick finder on his, he's got a ghost finder on his dick.

Yeah. Brilliant way to get, brilliant way to get the pussy. Jackie, has anybody ever requested to clear the ghosts from your vagina? No, there was just a dude that believed that he was abducted by aliens. So he thought that they were still kind of inside of him. There was that night. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The dude that like... I'm not gonna get into it.

Well, don't go into what he did there, but he thought he was abducted by aliens and they were inside of him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he cried the entire time we had sex. When was this? You know, one of those times. Wait, I have a question.

How is this any different than any other form of like holistic medicine which is also just complete bullshit? I don't know, man. I mean, this is Chinese law

we're operating under here. This guy got paid $3,000 to have sex with a girl. I just think there needs to be... What Chinese, what single Chinese woman has $3,000?

Yeah, I guess she did. That's amazing. She saved up. She works at a spice shop. She's selling something on the side. His defense, he says this is bullshit. He says that he has long lost the ability to have an erection due to diabetes.

Oh, so he claims not to have had sex with her. He claims that none of this has happened whatsoever. And she said that he told her that he had sacrificed his virginity for the exorcism. So he told her in addition to it being a ghost-finding penis, he was also a virgin. But his dick doesn't work. Well, that's what he says. It's a classic he says she says situation. I guess so. You gotta flick it, see if it gets hard. I mean, it's a very easily testable hypothesis. I guess so. I mean, you've got to flick it, see if it gets hard.

I mean, it's a very easily testable hypothesis. I guess so, yeah. I just wonder if you use lube to exercise a ghost out of a vagina. Or do you think that the ghost would be part of it? Is that what the lube is? Sort of an ectoplasm. It depends on an ectoplasm, yes. Ah.

The ghost went into his dick. Hey, that's a good point. When he got into the exorcist. Yeah. Does the ghost go into his dick. Hey, that's a good point. And then when he got into the exorcist. Yeah. Does the ghost go into his dick? Does the ghost attach to his dick and he wipes it up afterwards? I don't know.

Does he fart it out? Does it go in? He toots it out? There's a lot of questions on that. Dick fart. Did you guys already bring this up? This is a little God wink. Maybe that Bella Donna has a movie called My Ass is Haunted. Ooh.

Does she have a movie called My Ass is Haunted? Yeah, it's called My Ass is Haunted. It's one of her early ones before she was with Aiden, I think. Are you following her on Twitter? Oh, dude, I'm a huge fan. They did a great podcast. That's right, they did. By the way, I love that all porn is on IMDb.

I think that's wonderful. Oh, yeah. Isn't it? It's awesome. They are movies. Yeah, it's great. I don't know if any of that. It's got Isabel Ice, Roxy Giselle. My Ass is Haunted is an actual porno. Yeah, it's great. I don't know if any of that. It's got Isabel Ice, Roxy Giselle.

My Ass is Haunted is an actual porno. Eight horny cunts stuffing their asses and one little angel. Who's the angel? Yeah, that's the thing. Who's the angel in this situation? It's got to be the angel. I would think so. She's the star.

They don't give character names in the cast. My Ass is haunted. Oh, that's great. Eddie, you could make a real-life documentary. The life of Eddie is called My Ass is Haunted. My struggle with hemorrhoids. My life at White Castle, mostly spent in the bathroom. My ass really isn't haunted.

It's like a fucking four-car pileup. It's a four-car pileup of asses. I'm going home! Eddie's out of here. Eddie lost his voice yesterday screaming at the Murderfish show. All right, well, there is one scene in My Ass is Haunted in which there's a crucifix dildo. Two of them, in fact. Okay, and this is being put in the butt.

There's a woman who is six months pregnant. Oh, come on. Get out of here. I just can't believe they're not in a spooky room. They're in a dentist's office. That's kind of scary. That's scary, though. Scary.

That's a high-tension location. You have to talk into the microphone. It's a high-tension location. It's the point of a podcast. Sorry. Yeah, the microphones are gay. Real quick, can you check one more thing? Was she in SpongeBob SquareNuts?

SpongeBob SquareNuts? This is also a porno? Oh, yeah. SpongeBob SquareNuts. It's great. That'suts? This is also a porno? Oh, yeah. SpongeBobSquareNuts. That's great. That's amazing. I think anything you can think of is a porno. I know for a fact she was not in that.

And by the way, it's SpongeNobSquareNuts. SpongeNobSquareNuts. Oh, yeah. Who is the chick in the astronaut suit? What? I met her. It's actually pretty hot. This is a good porno for you, Marcus.

You're giving it the Marcus Parks. No, the girl is hot. The girl's... Yeah, but I knew her when I wasno for you, Marcus. You're giving it to Marcus. The girl is hot. I knew her when I was out in L.A. You did? She used to hang out at the comedy store all the time. And did you bang her? No, of course not. So you can't bang her. I mean, that's the thing. I wonder if porn stars are easy to have sex with in real

life or very difficult because they're used to getting paid for sex. Right. So it's like... She was banging a comedian. That's why she was there. Honestly, I feel like when I've heard porn stars talk about sex outside of... it's like she was banging a comedian. That's what she was there. Honestly, I feel like when I've heard porn stars like talk about sex outside of it's like a different thing.

Like it's literally I think it's like no different than any other chick. They make love, dude. Yeah, that's right. I have a feeling Oh, sorry, go ahead.

What's up, Jackie? Oh, no, I'm just watching SpongeBob SquareNuts get a fucking blowjob through the SpongeBob costume. He actually wears the costume? Yeah, he's wearing it. Let me see that.

Oh, it's really... Let me see this real quick. It's upsetting. Oh, that's disgusting. He doesn't look like Spongebob at all. He looks like a goddamn... That's fantastic. The girl's got a pretty hot, like,

Is this on Worldstar? She's got a great attitude. It is on Worldstar. Oh, that's amazing. She's a... She's a very nice girl. She's a gorgeous woman, and then she's just sucking SpongeBob's dick there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jesus, taking it all. Wow. And then with the tits. He doesn't have the biggest dick. She came to the end. No, he doesn't have the biggest dick I've ever seen. She sat in the audience for the burn one time. This woman did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Isn't that bizarre? And now you're watching her suck a dick. Well, that's why we got her, because I found this porno on the internet, and I wanted to talk about it on the show, so we got her to come to the show. Crack researcher. Yeah, man. That's amazing. Yeah.

Oh, that's such a... You know, that's show business. Yeah. You know, make 30 grand a year researching... Just hold the microphone! Marcus is freaking out. Marcus has a bad feeling. I'm an exhausting guy.

I've been doing MDMC all weekend. What's MDMC? What? Oh, it's muscle discipline, muscle control. It's a new kind of a workout system. It sounds awful. Why did you ask him that question? I don't know.

I thought it was going to be something cool, not the douchiest thing I've ever heard about in my life. I basically end up doing 5,000 crunches, 500 sets of two. Man, you ain't going to get laid. It's all about muscle confusion. No one wants to fuck you. That's fine. It's not even 5,000.

Knock out 1,000. You knock out two, and then you smoke a cigarette, smoke a Newport. Knock out two more, watch a little Rest in Development Season 4. Boom, knock out another two. Sponge Nuts, Square Balls, whatever the hell the name of that goddamn portal was. All right. I got the microphone in hand. It's perfect.

Marcus is at peace now. I am at peace, yes. That's right. He gets upset. Are there more horror porn parodies? Is there a Shining porn parody? What would it be called? The Gleaming?

The Cleaning? Something like that? I haven't gotten into the whole... The Coming. The Jizzing. I know they do the like Not Happy Days Not Seinfeld All those parodies

The Not Seinfeld one Is pretty good It's fucking hilarious Super fun Yeah But like are there a lot of Horror movie porn parodies Orgasm on Elm Street

Something like that Yeah That's a good one Yeah it's not terrible If it hasn't been made It's gonna be made after A burn victim Just fucking a chick

What was the one I used to have a zombie one That was called like like, Fuck of the Dead or, God, what the hell is it? You know what I mean? It was pretty great. Did you not act off to zombies fucking chicks, Marcus? Some of the chicks were zombies. Does that make it better? How is that an excuse?

I don't know. I don't know why I liked it, but I did. You look like such a wholesome kid, man. I know. He's got charming eyes and fuck it, but I did. You look like such a wholesome kid, man. I know. He's got charming eyes and then boom. Blue, beautiful, white. You don't know white people well enough. Yeah, you really don't know enough white people.

That's how we all are. It's just there's the facade. That's how you got so far. Mark, exactly. That's why you can kill up to 30 people before they're like, I think it's him. He's got blood all over his hands and a bunch of heads in his freezer. He was a quiet neighbor.

When everyone else is in church, Marcus was the kid banging the church with a baseball bat. Yeah, exactly. That's the Lord. The Lord's coming. No, that's just the autistic Marcus Parks hitting the church with a baseball bat. Yeah. That man hasn't pissed in a toilet in 13 years. God bless him.

He's amazing. That's a lifestyle I can subscribe to. There are quite a few horror porn parodies. What do we got? There's the human sexapede. Oh, that's standard. Oh, the human centipede, I think, in itself is sort of a pornography film. You know some dudes jacked off to that movie.

Oh, it's jackable. It's jackable. Yeah, definitely. I would not want to meet the man who jacked off to that movie. Oh, it's jackable. I would not want to meet the man who jacked off to it, but I'm sure they did. He's sitting right next to you, bro. Oh, my God. Tell me more about your sit-up. The sewing. Just the sewing alone. The stitching. The craftsmanship.

That's what got you when he cut up the rest? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You love how the Amish construct their furniture too, I'm sure. There's Scream XXX. They did a porn parody of Scream. That would make sense. Scream XXX and Scream.

That's crazy. Scream XXX. It's a mix between Scream and that movie with Vin Diesel. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes, yes. Riddick.

Call it Cream or something. Riddick. XXX. Scream XXX is too easy. They get extra points for recreating the Rose McGowan garage door death. Ooh, I would love to. I just wish Rose McGowan was actually in the goddamn thing.

I know, man. Friday the 13th had one. They camped Crystal Lake, became Crystal Lake nudist camp. That's too easy. I'm not giving these producers much credit here. There was Silence of the Lambs. Wow. Is it just called Silence of the Lambs? Is it just called Silence of the Lambs?

It's just called Silence of the Lambs. What about Silence of the Hams? That's a comedy. Silence of the Limbs. Succulents of the Limbs. Meaning penis. I don't know. We gotta get something better than what they got.

You realize that they did the same thing and they're like, Silence of the Lambs. We'll just keep the fucking name oh, Silence of the Lambs. We'll just keep the fucking name. The Silence of the Lambs porn parody is called Be Quiet Bitch. Let me wear your face.

There must be so many throwing cum onto a girl's face scenes. I'm sure there is. That's the most sexual part of the whole thing. Be Quiet Bitch. Be quiet, bitch. Be quiet, bitch.

The porno written, directed, produced, and starring Ed Larson. It's just me sitting on a couch relaxing. You play all the roles. Without Eddie. Exactly. Eddie, let's go to the play. Be quiet, bitch.

Oh, yeah, I love this fucking porno, man. Choke on it. You tell her. Good for you, Eddie. I'm living this life. That's right, Eddie. Let me see those screams. Be quiet, bitch.

That's nice, Ed. Very polite porno. Very polite porno. Don't you have that? I feel like you have that conversation with yourself every morning in the mirror. No, not about it. Just to get yourself ramped up for the day. Time to go to work, you fucking piece of shit.

Be quiet, bitch. Be quiet, bitch. Every time. Those are the only words coming into Eddie's head when he talks to his mother on the phone. Be quiet. Be quiet. Any other porn parodies that are horror related? There was

Day of the Living Milf. I remembered the porno that I had, Porn of the Dead. Porn of the Dead. That's what it was called. I understand it. On board, yeah. There was The Blair Witch Project, a triple X thriller.

You could have done so much with that. There was The Bear Wench Project. That's right. I mean, you could have done so much with that. Yeah, exactly. There was the Bear Wench Project. That's right. I saw the Bear Wench Project. That was about girls went to the woods and they got tits. Yeah. And they fucking used them.

Yeah, man. They did a parody. B-A-R-E wench? Yeah, it was B-A-R-E wench. Oh, because I was thinking it was like a gay porn about like bears. No, no, no. No, it's all about chicks going to the woods. They got scared. they had to get naked

and fuck each other. Have you guys heard of new gay dude terms? Things as bears, otters. I heard about chasers recently. What's an otter? An otter's like kind of a slim hairy guy. Yeah, slimmer hair. Because a bear's like a you, a big fat hairy guy. I'm not that hairy. He's not that fat either.

He's muscular. He's husky. Arr! Oh, Eddie, let's notky. Gated fans, man! That's for Patrick McGillicuddy. We haven't given a shout out to Patrick McGillicuddy. Long time listener. He's a gay fella. He's a good friend. We talk on Facebook every now and again. That's for you, Patrick.

Good guy. You and my bare claws gonna rip you up. Suck out your honey. Oh, damn. Never mind, Patrick. I apologize. I think you up, suck out your honey. Oh, damn. Never mind, Patrick. I apologize. I think you were just raped via the podcast. I just heard that there's a group of dudes who try to get AIDS.

Yeah. What? Chasers. They're called chasers. Bug chasers. What do you mean they try to get AIDS? Why would you want to get AIDS? It's their thing.

It's their fucking thing. I don't know, dude. That's not a thing. It's a thing. Okay, my Jewish father. My Jewish mother. I got to say, I. That's not a thing. It's a thing. Okay, my Jewish father. My Jewish mother. I gotta say, I hate saying it's a thing. I know there's gonna be a sitcom called It's a Thing.

Exactly. It just got made. I mean, you know, there's a fetish for everything, man. That's like a suicide peg. Exactly. Is it because they want to die? Do they try to fight the AIDS once they get the AIDS? It's a form of self-harm.

It's like cutters. They're like cutters but with AIDS. And a cry for attention. You get AIDS and everybody's going to be like, oh, he has AIDS, he has AIDS. It's like me getting super stoned before commercial auditions. And the people who give them AIDS are called gift givers. Oh my God.

Chase is just too generous a term, though. It's fucking insane. How hard is it if you want to get AIDS to go get AIDS? Just find something to do with AIDS. I actually think, I could imagine it's relatively difficult to get AIDS if you go out and actually get it. They should make it legal, dude, where you can just go get it if you want it. You can. You know, this isn't Russia.

The government should give it to you if you want it. That doesn't sound like a chase. All right, this is a weird... It sounds tough. The government did give it to him. Hey, you got it bad? Open your mind, Yang. What the hell are you...

Wait a minute. Are you guys Republicans? That's right. This is a weird theory, but I think this might be something. You know, like when a couple gets together and they try for a baby, well, like a homosexual couple can't try for a baby in that way, but a

homosexual couple could try for AIDS. Cultivate an AIDS baby. Yeah. Or a nice little virus at their own. Or a nice little virus at their own. Are there any female chasers? No. Is this a gay thing? That's insane. Females are about keeping the species alive.

Dudes are about destroying. That's right, man. I love it. Do you think that people who have AIDS, they get together and have giant fucking orgies? I would.

Yes. Yeah. I mean, why not? Of course, right? If I have lung cancer, I get together with a ton of dudes and just smoke tons of menthol 100s.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's gotta be amazing because they're all a bunch of whores and, you know, dudes who fuck all the... I bet it's the wonderful AIDS fuck party. all 100s. Yeah, but that's gotta be amazing because they're all a bunch of whores and, you know, dudes who fuck all the,

I bet it's the wonderful AIDS fuck parties. This might be the last Roundtable Gentlemen podcast. Is that even the top 10 worst things we've said? The AIDS community is gonna be like,

they're exposing our fuck parties. The best underground parties in the nation. Nobody knows about it. Well, some people call bug chasing intensely erotic, and they say that the act of being infective is the ultimate taboo and the most extreme sex act you can possibly do. That's what it is.

It's like snowboarding. They don't want sports. They don't want to get the AIDS. They want to experience what it's like to just have raw fearful sex. On others, it's a form of suicide. Slow, painful suicide.

It's like that song, Living on the Edge by Aerosmith. I've always had the feeling that the moment when you get a woman pregnant is probably the most amazing orgasm you'll ever have in your life. Why do you get that feeling? That's the worst one. I don't know. I think it's going to be the best one.

You talk it up a lot. Like, I'm going to put so many babies inside you, baby. It's going to break your body. She's like, yeah, yeah, put so many babies and we can raise them. Like, put them through kindergarten. How many abortions have you fathered, Yang? I don't know. A hundred?

Most of them lived. I just don't know where they are. You're such a douche. Fucking L.A., bro. I was down in Santa Monica for a week. Shit ruled. Yo, shout out to rastabus.com, yo. Jackie's literally flipping out right now.

How many chicks have you banged on a bus, Yang? How many chicks have you banged well-moving? Dry humps and count? Yeah, they count. No, no. I don't do that. I'm a romantic. Jackie, you know I'm a romantic.

Look at my eyes. Don't look at his eyes. Look at him. Look me in the eyes. Look me in the fucking eyes. Terrified. Goddamn, Yang. You're the scariest motherfucker we've ever me in the face. Terrified. God damn, yeah. You're the scariest motherfucker we've ever had on this show.

Is that what it is? Is it scary that he is? It's scary. It's horny. Oh, it's horny. I'm sorry. I'm hungry. It's hornry.

Hornry and horny. Horny and horny. I'm scared. We got it. All right, Marcus. Let's do another news. I'm going to take a little nap. Yeah, take a nap.

Take a nap for a second. Take a fiver. Take a little fiver. I'm going to take a little nap. Yeah, take a nap. Take a nap for a second. Take a fiver. Take a little fiver. I'm about to put you in my porno, man. Oh, shit. Shut up, bitch. Like I tell the ladies, it's not the longest penis you've ever seen, but it's extremely skinny. And I cum real fast.

You'll never know I was there. Jackie, come on. Give me a little sugar. Jackie's about to punch you in never know I was there. Jackie, come on. Give me a little sugar. Jackie's about to punch you in the fucking face right there. Yeah. You almost got a real violent... Alright, Marcus. What's our

next story, buddy? In separate incidents, two men allegedly assaulted their girlfriends with pizza. The first one, North Carolina cops yesterday arrested Cody Sebastian Parsons, 25, after responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home he shares with his girlfriend. According to Wilkesboro Police Department, Parsons became angry after slipping on a wet floor. As he cursed at McKinney, Parsons allegedly pelted her with pizza.

This is like 12 years old. So he slipped on the floor, which is already kind of comical. And then he threw pizza at her. And then he threw pizza at her, which is the only comical fucking reaction. He threw pizza at her while verbally berating her. That's not so bad. That's just how they used to feed Eddie in kindergarten. Yeah, man.

Love it. Love it. That's how you get it. Yeah, man. Except I would never let them call me their girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a man. You're a man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tough. During questioning by cops, Parsons denied throwing the pizza. However, an officer reported finding, quote, pizza sauce on the back of his girlfriend's right rib cage. Oh, my God. Additionally, there were pieces of pizza all over the living room floor, as well as on the wall behind the front entrance door to the apartment.

That's going to be on the next Law & Order. SVU Special Victims Unit. SVU Special Pizza Unit. They're only investigating pizza crimes. Oh, man. And then in another incident, Jimmy Ray Poadge, 47, was busted after the 40-year-old victim told sheriff's deputies that he threw pizza at her in the couple's Fort Mill home. The woman, who had pizza sauce on her face, arms, and clothing, also said that Poedge grabbed her around the neck and slammed her into a kitchen counter.

Well, that's the real abuse there. That's the real abuse. How is pizza taking the headlines? Yeah, pizza's the berry in the lead on this one. Yeah, I think so. Poedge, seen in the adjacent mugshot, if you guys will look at Poad here. He looks like a pizza thrower. Yeah, he looks like a pizza thrower.

Poad, seen in the adjacent mugshot, admitted pelting his girlfriend with pizza, but claimed that she threw it at him first. But while the woman's clothing were splattered with sauce, Poad's garments were clear of pizza or pizza sauce. She missed. He ducked. Yeah, he ducked. He missed. He fucking retorted. You want to move pretty slow not to be able to avoid a piece of pizza coming at you.

It's a big thing. It's a triangle. It doesn't fly perfectly. What does a triangle have to do with it? Because, I mean, it's going to be all wobbly and shit in the air. It's like a sail. The airspace continuum, the whole thing. The flapping, the cheese, the crust, all of it.

I'm talking about physics here, Marcus. Physics. I know what physics are, Holton. If it's a Tostino pizza roll, that's tough to dodge. You know you're a special lady when he throws a cheeseburger at you and not pizza. You waste the whole burger. You've advanced. You've advanced in a relationship.

Cheeseburger with bacon and avocado. Ooh, that's not bad. Love that bitch. This POAC guy's eating a cheeseburger. This woman's yelling at him. He's like, man, you're looking at my fucking pizza. I would throw that fucking pizza at you so quick. Jackie, what do you think these chicks did to deserve a pizza throwing?

I mean, I think it's kind of fucking great. It's probably free pizza. What I think that she should have done is to really get back at him is I would have just taken all the pizza up off the floor and like eaten the whole thing in front of him. Not break eye contact. Yeah, just like, fuck you. You chose me. Floor pizza woman. You're the sad one.

That's the best retaliation I could think of. Smartest person in the room yet again. Always Jackie's a bravo. Why can't we win, guys? Jackie's too good. She knows how to react to all pizza crimes. Oh, man, I really want to be the detective on SPU. Oh, SPU's going to be good.

Well, Roger, seems like it was pizza. Seems to be. I think the bandits are four turtles. Interesting. Yes, indeed. Ninja turtles. I'm going to go home again. I'm going to give it to you. Seems to be I think the bandits are four turtles Interesting Yes indeed Ninja Turtles I'm gonna go home again I'm gonna give it to you I like it

You tried there man We're gonna have to call in the calzone unit on this one That's right It looks like more of a calzone disaster What are some other Garlic knots The pepperoni brothers Were always gonna be up to their antics

That is perfect Oh man I loved We're always going to be up to their antics. Oh, my God. It runs itself. That is perfect. Oh, man. I love... Oh, yeah, this pizza unit. This needs to exist. This needs to happen. Pizza crimes across the country.

S-P-U. Smells like pizza. That's right. I thought that was all very funny inside my head. So both of these pizza incidents happened this week, Marcus? Yes. This is the most I've ever heard about pizza violence. this week, Marcus? Yes. This is the most I've ever heard about pizza violence. And twice in one week.

What are the odds? I don't know, man. What kind of pizza was it? Do we know? Was it frozen pizza? Domino's pizza? Was it a nice gourmet pizza? I gave you all the details I have.

It wasn't DiGiorno. What kind of pizza? Oh, you don't waste DiGiorno. These are not high class people that are throwing pizza at their spouses. I'm guessing $5 Little Caesars. You think it's a $5 Little Caesars pie? I'm guessing Tombstone, straight from Walmart. Ooh, I love a good Tombstone.

I'm going to say Papa John's. You're going to go Papa John's. I'm not Tombstone. What's the cheaper ones? Red Baron? The Dacostinos. Oh, the really shitty ones. Or the worst ones, Elio's, the square ones.

I like Elio's. I like it, too. I mean, it's very bad for you. Oh, I don't care. Yeah. That's the nutrition statement for Marcus Parks. It's brilliant. It's very bad for you.

Have you guys ever heard of Avalanche Pizza? No. No. All right, I'll send you some links. Sounds like good throwing pizza. Oh, man. So the one guy slammed his girlfriend's head into a counter, so that's kind of abusive. But the other dude, I mean, he gets off, right?

You don't go to prison. What are you in jail for? I threw pizza at my girlfriend. I mean, he's going to get violently beat. He was charged with assault on a female. That's bullshit. Which is apparently a different crime from just plain assault. In North Carolina.

Oh, North Carolina. That's not fair. That explains it. I mean, the bitches, I mean, they get beat. Especially in North Carolina. That's not fair. That explains it. I mean, the bitches, I mean, they get beat, especially in North Carolina. I agree with you. I just thought they had to make it a specific kind of assault.

What was that quote you gave me two nights ago? It was one of the funniest things I ever heard you say. Oh, I don't know. It's like, if you don't put out, you should get killed

or something like that. Oh, yes. I can see that being fucked. That is a bumper sticker. That's a bumper sticker right there. Beautifully said. What a poet.

Oh, no. Like, if you go home with him and you don't fuck him, then he has the right to kill you. Jesus. You are an advocate for men's rights. You put out. If a man goes home with you, you fuck that man. If you want to fuck him, own story, put out or die. Then you go home.

Then you don't invite him back to your place. I don't think that's a hard, fast rule because I've definitely fucked it up between the cab and the fucking bedroom. Well, then I'll fucking send him home before you fucking. I don't want it in me then. Oh, man, I'd destroy it. I'd destroy it. Take a poop on the floor accidentally. Especially if I want to throw

it. Sometimes you want to throw it. You're like, my actual girlfriend I'm supposed to meet for brunch tomorrow and her parents I kind of want to throw this situation. Maybe if I shit in the sink. Or you could just leave. Dude, I'm already in it. I got to get that reaction. I'm already in it. I got to get that reaction.

I'm already in it. True, true, true. You got sun poisoning. I want to see that shot. You don't want to get the messages on your phone the next day, like a hundred messages. What happened? Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want to know. I have a lot to learn. I've got some questions for you all about this case here. All right. I've been looking at the official police report. Let's do this. And of course, he's been charged with assault on a female. This happened at midnight on a Saturday.

Okay. They were not drunk. No drug or alcohol use. And it says under injury, none. So she received no injuries. They weren't drunk. They weren't drunk. Were they messed out of their fucking minds?

It says no drugs or alcohol use. What's the crime? It makes it worse, right? No, but what is the crime? He threw a piece of pizza. Wasting food. That's not a crime. He threw it into a thing. You can take it to court. No, this isn't the guy

who smashed her head on the counter. Yeah. Oh, no, no, no. This is a different one. It's just the guy who threw pizza. The first guy just threw pizza. You can't throw... I'm telling... I agree. If you can't throw pizza at the woman you love, then where're a fuck country. What kind of place are we at?

How hot was the pizza? Good question. If you throw a fucking pot of boiling water at a person, you can get arrested for that. But no injury. No injury. Let me ask you a quick question. This was in North Carolina, right?

This is in North Carolina. I think it might be a Golden Corral type situation. Okay. Where people are down there at the Golden Corral. They're getting some kind of a scrap with their family. They've got a family reunion going on. Everybody's down there hitting up the buffet. I love the Golden Corral buffet. The best

buffets around. This was in a single occupancy residence. Check it out. In the apartment. This is all fucking hearsay, man. This is ridiculous. It's not hearsay because the detective of the SPU unit. SPU is never wrong. They're never wrong. They saw the pizza

sauce on her ribcage. And I quote, pizza sauce on the back of her right ribcage. Oh, come on. She could have rubbed that on there. We need to see the Zabruta film of this. We need to see the actual fucking footage. I want to see the forensic guys who had the strings set up and everything.

Nobody touched the scene. Hey, stop eating. One fat cop's eating all the evidence. Oh, I didn't realize it was a pizza-related crime. I'm so sorry. Come on, Chief. Just let us have a couple garlic sticks. Special Agent Mario, Special Agent Luigi.

Here you go. Here you are. This is the crime. This is perfect for us. Special Agent Luigi. Here you go. Here you are. This is the crime.

This is perfect for us. It's so weird the way they just disappear through those storm drains. So dumb. And he's particularly dumb today. I like it. That's right. I love it. I didn't know you could throw fireballs in Super Mario for the longest time. That's because I got the game without the manual.

Without the booklet. Without the booklet. What, were you just scared of flowers or something? Yeah, you just thought you turned white for no reason. Did you not press the other button? There's two buttons, Yang. Run and throw. God damn it, Yang.

How do you even get across the street? It's amazing. It's difficult, man. I'm you even get across the street? It's amazing. It's difficult, man. I'm looking at, do you guys know where to get some Velcro shoes? These laces are tricky as hell. Velcro shoes

is another great name for a porno. I don't know exactly what kind of porno it is, but it sounds fun to me. Oh, man. What do you think, Jackie? Old people porno.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, of course. Hello, Misty. I can't get my shoes tight. The four-boy is like 18 hours. Oh, yeah, man. That's good. She's just slurping up his fucking leg.

All right. Let's move on from pizza news. Let's go on to another news story here, Marcus. All right. We're going to go to Scotland for this one. Let's go over to Scotland. Beautiful place in Scotland. What did Che do?

Hello to our- This fucking turkey-faced cocksucker. A lonely- A turkey-faced cocksucker? Let's see. Marcus, real quick. I just have to get- Just look at this.

Oh, it's a turkey-faced cocksucker. Wow, I never actually thought that could be a description for a face, but that is a turkey-faced cocksucker. Good job, Eddie. You called it well. I would love to see you describe if you ever do have a crime occur to you, you just describe it to a sketch artist. It was like a turkey face

cocksucker. He'd draw that guy. He'd draw that guy. He'd be like, I don't know what that looks like, but I'm going to assume it looks like this dude. There's something in me, but I'm a weirdo, but I want to know what that hat smells like. Oh, you are a weirdo. There's something in me that wants to know what that old man's hat smells like.

I will give you an indication of what it might smell like. Yeah, let's hear it. A lonely pensioner has been ordered to undergo therapy after he was caught with his hand up a horse's backside. He got caught with his hand in the ass. I lost my watch. I'm just trying to get it back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The horse ate my watch.

I'm trying to find it there in its stomach. Through its ass. William Nickel, 66, admitted to breaching the peace and causing public alarm. He was spotted on several... Is this in public? I love it. Where was this? Oh, let me continue.

This is in Scotland, by the way. Okay. He was spotted on several occasions by members of the public, including four children, approaching a foal, lifting its tail, and repeatedly stuffing his hand up its bottom. How could he do that to Scotland's only horse? It's rude. Someone had to eat that for dinner later. He's fisting this horse's ass?

He's fisting a horse in public. Perth Sheriff Court heard that Nickel was so engrossed in his antics that he was unaware of a mother and four children approaching him. Mommy, what's the man doing to the horse? When he did see the family, he pulled his hand out and proceeded to pat the horse, claiming that he was tending to some wounds it had suffered. That's like when you fall, but then you just pretend to jog. You know, like you're tripping, you just pretend to run.

Like, ah, I'm dead. No, sir, you were definitely inside of that horse. No, no, no. Everything's fine here. There's shit all over your head. No, no, no. Chocolate. Chocolate.

And then as soon as the woman walked away, she turned around to look at Mr. Nickel again to see him resuming his anal activities. So this man was just getting off on fisting this horse's ass. Yeah, he was just getting off on it. He was in public. Hold on. How do you feel like this guy doing this to a member of your family? What, fisting them? Yeah.

I mean, my family, I feel like they got like, all right, see, in North Carolina, we're- Oh, that's right. You're from North Carolina. Yeah, yeah. We're happy about our holes. Yeah, and he's Scottish, too. We welcome to North Carolina happy about our holes. It says it under the fucking welcome sign.

Yeah, yeah. We like to make them big. And anyone else trying to help my family and my kin make their assholes a little bit rounder, a little bit sloppier, we say, hey, we give them a fucking free fucking chicken dinner. Hell yeah. That's very nice of you.

Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. We're holdeds from fisting a horse is equivalent to washing your hands. It's their version of Perel sanitizer. Less dirty. They have it on every hospital wall. Yeah, exactly.

Oh, nice. Now, before we do the surgery, Mr. McNeely, we're going to have to dip our hands inside this horse's asshole and make sure we're nice and clean. You ignorant hillbilly! One witness reported seeing Nickel with his hand inserted into the animal and walking along behind it as the animal tried to walk away from him. We'm stuck.

Oh, that's amazing. It's just the world's biggest glove. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. Oh, man. Could you imagine that, dude? That dude with superpowers? You got that dude who walks around with two horses on the end of his arms? It's a hell of a lot cooler.

Fucking shit up, punching people with horses. I agree with that. Punch you in the face, I hit you with a horse. I'm gonna fucking attack my hand. Horse fist is amazing. Horse fist man is the new fucking rock and roll top one hit by my fucking dickheads. Horse fist man.

It's like a three hour long song. It's basically smoke on the water. What is this guy into behind closed doors? That's right. This is in public. He's pissed in the horse. This dude is...

He said... Well, at his prosecution, he told the court, I live at home by myself, and I'm very lonely. God. Yeah. Turkey face cocksucker. I don't want to smell that hat. I think that's about all we got for this guy.

Horse fist man, turkey face cocksucker. There's an epic fucking poem there. There's this story of this man's life. Horse fist man, turkey face cocksucker. Good lord. Brilliant. It sounds awesome. Yeah.

Turkey face cocksucker by day. Horse fist man by night. And also day. And no matter what, he always smells like shit. Don't fully understand this. You got some tan arms, man. Oh, yeah. No, that's dookie. You got to leave this guy, right?

Have you not heard of me? Jackie, you leave this guy. You find out your boyfriend fists a bunch of horses, you've got to leave him, right? It depends on how far his arm goes in. Elbow deep. It sounds like he was fisting it hard, punching it even. I mean, repeatedly, inside and out. I think fisting's better than fucking it.

I feel like, too, that if the horse really didn't like it, it would have run away. It tried to run away. You know, it tried to walk away. Well, the horse had also... What was it wearing? Right? What was it wearing? A shirt and a hoodie?

And why was it on the streets at night? Did it have lipstick on? Whore. That's a whore horse. That horse. Whores. Crazy whores. Well, the horses were minor. They did have minor injuries

before Mr. Nichols had come across them. Oh, they were herd horses. Yeah, they had no feet. They just had a bunch of bricks for legs. They were in a field. Cinder blocks. They were on cinder blocks. That was out of a bar. The horses were in a field

That was surrounded by houses Kind of a suburb You know those places Yeah sure I mean it's Scotland So yeah There's a bunch of They do things there

They do things like that It's like New Jersey Alright Let's get away from Horse fist man Wait what are they fisting New Jersey You're from Jersey

God knows Women's faces Women's faces Yeah That's a whole Another kind of porno Wait, what do they fist in New Jersey? You're from Jersey. God knows. Women's faces. Women's faces. That's a whole other kind of porno. You guys ever seen that movie Animals? The prequel to Be Quiet, Bitch. Before they get married.

Woman horse fist, man. All right, next up we can go to Oklahoma. Let's come back to the United States for this one. You know, we've never been to Oklahoma on this show. We've been to Oklahoma. Give me a couple of things. A man found hiding in a septic tank under a woman's restroom at a public park in Sand Springs has pleaded guilty to a peeping Tom charge. That's the charge?

Peeping Tom? Peeping Tom. What are you going to get him for, a trespassing? Human toilet? Is that illegal? That's not illegal at all. This is not the first time. Is this recent?

This is recent. I know we have the exact story almost. But it did not happen with this man right here. Oh my god. Holy lord. What kind of cocksucker is this dude? Is he a cross cut onto his forehead? Pussy face cocksucker. He's a pussy face

cocksucker. He's got a weird pussy mustache. He's weird. He's obviously been crying in his mugshot. His eyes are very red, although that could be from shit. From the irritation of the fucking shit in his eyes. Sitting in shit. He's got a fucking double pink eye. This guy, his name is Kenneth Enloe.

He pleaded guilty Thursday. The Tulsa World reports that Enloe was sentenced to one year in jail and a $5,000 fine. He pleaded guilty as soon as he was caught. Like, what are you doing down there? Guilty! Guilty as charged! That's right. We haven't charged you with anything yet.

Well, whatever it is. I'm in. Whatever you want to do, I'm in. Authorities allege that Enloe hid inside a permanent outhouse at Whitewater Park. He was arrested after a woman taking her daughter to the restroom saw someone looking at her from inside the toilet. That's terrifying. That's the scariest fucking shit you'll ever take. A police report says firefighters pulled Enloe from the septic tank and authorities arrested him after he was cleaned off with a fire hose.

You see a guy in a septic tank when you're going to the bathroom. You pee on him, right? You just, do you leave? Or do you actually like, you know? You pee on him. If you can jump, then you jump. I know, like, do you enable it?

But sometimes it's like, yeah, I'm gonna fucking piss on you, you piece of shit. If I gotta piss, I gotta piss. You get the opportunity to piss on somebody. All right, you're at Wrigley's Field. I don't want to be Wrigley Field. Leave Why do you want to be at Wrigley's Field? They've been cursed. There's a dude. You're high on mescaline.

You got to shit real bad. And there's this weird Chicago dude just laying down in the truck. Do you still piss? You got to pee. You can't not pee. You cannot pee. You're gonna piss your pants or you're gonna piss on his... He has his mouth open.

Yeah. I'm gonna fucking hum a tune while I did it. Is the whole body clear or are other people already pissing on him? I mean, this guy, there's at least one person

pissing on him. Is he closed? He's mostly dry, though. He's mostly dry. And where on the body is the other person pissing on him? And is he naked or clothed? He's jerking off. What? Naked or clothed? Oh, he's cloth dry, though. He's mostly dry. And where on the body is the other person pissing on? And is he naked or clothed? He's jerking off.

What? Naked or clothed? Oh, he's clothed. Okay. Okay, on his stomach, yeah. Yeah. So you've either got to piss on him. But he's also saying, splish, splash, I'm taking a bath.

Got some rubber duckies with him and shit. Yeah, he pissed on his fucking feet. What else are you going to do? Piss his feet. I can't piss on a man's face. I mean, hell, it's better than pissing on ice. Pissing on a dude, I suppose. I have an actual trick that I used for years

where when I was at a urinal and I couldn't whiz for whatever reason, self-conscious, whatever, it's like in an airport and I'm busy and everybody's like bumping into me and shit like that. What? I would imagine myself, people bump into each other all the time

when they're pissing. I'm like, dude, get off. Why? That has never happened to me in my entire life. What? I would imagine myself, people bump into each other all the time while they're pissing. I'm like, dude, get off. Why? That has never happened to me in my entire life. You've never been nudged

while pee-pee? Huh? Port Authority? You've never been accidentally nudged while pissing? I mean, the way he's talking about it,

it's throwing shoulders. Oh, yeah. He's pissing in the middle of an ICP fucking mosh pit or something. Okay, at the gathering of the Juggalos,

I could see being pushed around a little bit. Oh, definitely. It's the bathroom at a demolition derby. Oh, yeah. Sir, you're not a truck, and I am not a truck, but I'm in a hit mood. Everybody's just in the mood. In the mood to hit.

So what I imagine is myself whizzing onto Oddjob from the James Bond movie. Yeah, sure. I like to pee on it. This is your trick? Peeing right onto that guy's felt bowler hat and just the sound of it makes me really relaxed. So, what are the creepiest villains in cinematic history compelled you to pee that got you over your stage fright?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does it have to be Oddjob or just anyone wearing that hat? It's pretty much Oddjob. So, in order to get over your stage fright, you just fantasize you're pissing on a fat Asian. Yeah, well, on his hat. The melty, soft sound, relaxing sound. It's kind of like a snow, you know, a noise machine, white noise machine. Okay.

I mean, I could see that working. How do you know what pissing on a felt hat sounds like? I feel like I could imagine. It's like one of those dreams that you've had of something that you've never experienced. One day it will come true and you'll be like, nailed that one. Yeah, yeah. Pissed on the felt hat. I would love to see your to-do list.

That needs to be a movie. The Yang Miller bucket list. Pissing on a felt hat. Can't wait for that scene. Odd Job's going to be so happy to get the work. No't wait for that scene. There we go. Oddjob's going to be so happy to get the work. No, it's going to be the opening credits. It's going to be before the lion roars.

That's good. Yeah, yeah. No, MGM is definitely going to produce it. It's going to be huge. We'll see. It's going to be massive. So this poor fucking bastard, he's already in the urinal. He's getting shit on and pissed on.

My question is, I would assume that he wants to be peed on and shit on by the ladies, but guys are probably in there as well, right? So, I mean, if you're, is that a bad moment? Or is it just like, well, this is what I deal with this. Yeah, you win some, you lose some. You win some, you lose some. Yeah. I mean, when he gets out, he's going to go right back to doing the same thing.

He's only going to learn from his mistakes. Jack, you think this is worse than fisting a horse? You find out your boyfriend gets arrested for fisting a horse or for being in a human toilet. Which one's worse? What I don't understand is why didn't they just leave him down there? Because he's happy. Yeah, that's great.

Just let him stay down there forever. But that's the real reason because he liked it. That's right. Because this is theoretically a punishment for everybody. If you get caught stealing, you go to the outhouse.

You're the toilet now. When he gets out of jail, he's just going to buy a big doo-doo costume. They'll never see me now. And look, guys. He paints himself completely black. They're like, you're being racist.

He's like, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, I'm not. I've got a body in a septic tank. I'm just trying to look like shit. You saying something bad about black people? No, no, no, no, no. I literally want to look like Dookie. There's a part of me

that wants to start a grassroots campaign for this guy because I feel like he's 2013's Baby Jessica. I'm with you. He's down in a well. If Baby Jessica

loved being in that well, you can imagine that. Firefighters got this guy out immediately. It took them, what, a month to get Baby Jessica? She was down there for a long time.

It was a real long time. I remember that. That is an old story. I haven't thought about that story in forever. Baby Jessica in that fucking well. That was the big story of long time. It was a real long time. I remember that. That is an old story. I haven't thought about that story in forever. Baby Jessica in that fucking well. That was the big story

of our childhood. I've been thinking about it a lot. Have you? Wait, she was just in a well? Do you remember the story, Jake?

You're a little bit younger than us. There was a baby that fell down a well and she was in this goddamn thing for like eight days. Something like that?

86 days? 86, 1986. It was 1987. Was it 1987? Oh, man. That's the year I was born. Yeah, Marcus, let's do a top hat. Let's do it. Not a top hat story.

Let's do a roundtable story from the past. Yeah, yeah. Between that day on October 14th, 1987 and October 16th, rescuers worked for 48 hours to free baby Jessica from the eight-inch well casing 22 feet below the ground. And they got shit guy out immediately. Immediately. He was just in a porta potty. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, he got in there. But she's a baby. How hard is it to get a baby out of a well? A well is huge. I mean, he was in the septic tank. They don't know words. I don't know.

See, that's my question for this guy. How did he get in there? That's a good question. That's a really good question. Always my question. Same, my question, the same way when it happened at the music festival. He knew a guy at the factory.

Yeah, let him in. Yeah, they built him into it? It's the reason why... Don't order from him to fucking get shit out. What they don't know is the reason why it took them so long

for Baby Jessica is they actually invented one of those, like, human-sized claw machines they have in, like, grocery stores, like, to pick up things, and that's what they were doing.

So people were just feeding quarters into this thing, yeah, and the thing was just coming down, barely picking up the baby. Oh, they made a game out of it. And that was the problem. The fireman had a bet going who could get him. Not another

monkey with a drum. Get me a baby. God damn it. Yeah, it kept coming up with stuffed animals. God damn it. I just want this baby. You know, I mean, now we have modern technology. Things are different.

And firemen aren't as drunk as they used to be. Oh, yeah, they used to just be wasted off the rack. And this is even bigger because I'm from Texas. This happened in Midland. This happened just not too far away from where I grew up. Baby Jess. What was the hottest song that year? In 1987.

Let's see. Top hits of 1987. I'm going Michael Jackson. You're going Michael Jackson? I'm going to say Billie Jean, maybe. You're going to go Billie Jean? I'm going to go Poison. Poison. I'm going Michael Jackson. You're going Michael Jackson? I'm going to say Billie Jean, maybe. You're going to go Billie Jean? I'm going to go Poison. Poison.

I'm going to say Poison. Belle Bib de Beau? Belle Bib de Beau? Oh, the Bengals walk like an Egyptian. Awesome. Amazing. Now, that was just in January 3rd, at the beginning of the year. Let's see what the number one song in America was at the time that she fell down the well.

I'm still going Michael Jackson. October 10th. Here I go again. Here I go again. I'm down the well. Do you think Jessica was listening to that song fucking rocking out in the well, man? That's why she jumped

in it. She's like, here I go all by myself. Let's fucking get in this well. Maybe Jessica had a tough life. By the time she got out, the number one song was Lost in Emotion. Lisa, Lisa and the Cult Jam. I never heard that song. Never heard it. And you know what, Hilton?

Lost in Emotion. You were almost right. For October 24th, that's when Michael Jackson's Bad went straight to the top of the charts. Boomtown. Oh, yeah. He's going to make it. I can't believe Bad was only number one for two weeks. Two weeks?

That's it. I used to listen to that song and spank myself. It was replaced by I Think We're Alone Now. Was Bad the album was number one for two weeks? The single. Single. I'm talking singles here. Was Bad right after Thriller?

Was that the next one? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. When did... What the hell, Ben? Come out with that. Aren't you an American?

Fucking two weeks later. Yeah. All right. Let's come back to modern times, Marcus. What's the other story other than the poo-poo guy in the toilet there? I got a pee-pee guy. No, let's hear about the pee-pee guy. We got a poo-poo guy.

No, we got a pee-pee guy. While handcuffed in the back of a patrol car following a drunk driving arrest, Devin Langford, a 23-year-old Florida man, attempted to urinate out the window of a moving police car, an audacious effort that failed miserably when Langford mis-aimed and showered the cruiser's interior with urine. Awesome. Awesome.

Rock and roll, dude. According to the sheriff's office report, Langford was pulled over last month for speeding by Deputy Brian Bell. Besides noting that Langford had red, glassy and bloodshot eyes and slurred speech, Bell also reported spotting a plethora of empty beer cans littering his truck. After failing a series of

field sobriety tests, they put him in the back of the truck. En route to the lockup, Langford informed Bell that he needed to urinate. The deputy initially told the detainee that he would have to wait until they arrived at the jail but langford knew he would not last that long so as bell reported langford quote asked me if he could urinate in my car bell in a remarkably magnanimous gesture told the arrestee that quote if he had to urinate in my car that i understood and the cop just let him piss the cop said i understand I'm sure it happens all the time.

To which Langford replied, I'm very, very, very sorry. I have to pee in the back of your car. I did not want to pee in the back of your car. It was then that Langford came up with an ingenious plan to mitigate any possible urine damage to Bell's vehicle. He announced, I'm going to try and aim it

out the window. Though Bell advised that this was not a prudent course of action, Langford, who had already maneuvered his cuffed hands to the front of his body, proceeded to pull down his trousers, kneel on the back seat, and attempt to urinate out the rear passenger side window of the patrol vehicle while it was in motion. Unfortunately for all involved, Langford mis-aimed, resulting in his urine landing on the passenger side seat and floorboard of the cop car.

Oh, come on. He was being nice. Yeah, there's bros helping each other out. Two white dudes helping each other piss. Shut up, you immigrant! Immigrant! Yeah, you just called him an immigrant. He's from Jersey.

No black criminal would have been allowed to piss oh that's a fact and he would have missed right out the window would have done it ma'am upon get well let me show you the picture this guy because surprise wait you're halfway he looks like he looks like Barack Obama's retarded cousin. He really does. That is perfect. It's like Gomez from fucking Adam's Family.

The bald one. He's got a fester. Like a skinny fester with eggs. He's got the under eye dark shit. He's also got the whites under their eyes, which I've always heard means you're a crazy person. Yeah, I've heard about that. Why the fuck couldn't this guy pull over and let him kiss? The same look that every single girlfriend I've ever had has.

Yeah. No, I'm sure you didn't drive him crazy. Come here, Jackie. Get a little closer. Leave Jackie alone, Yang. All right. God damn it. She doesn't like people with Asian-sounding names.

Jesus, I'm trying to find the person with the biggest dick in the room. Why is Yang Miller white? My mom wanted to name me Luigi after my grandfather, and my dad had some kind of fever dream that I should be called Yang, and that's what happened. It's an old story. Not really. We don't have enough time, but when you

come back... Yeah, I'm going to take off, guys. It's been really nice. What's this thing called? Just for you and your family? Alright, I'll catch you guys later. I'm out. JK, I'm still here. I love you guys. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeil.

Drugs! New drugs! We're talking about new drugs. So Marcus is a multi-billion dollar owner of a pharmaceutical company. And he's given us all a floor in his giant building with a lab all to ourselves to develop a new drug. The top line scientist he could possibly recruit. We've got to come up with a new drug. I will start. I've got a new drug.

We're putting it right off the shelves uh it's a drug that makes uh temporarily makes your mouth bigger and your throat larger so that you can talk louder it's called attention x and it's going to come right off the shelf so if you ever want to like go out and like get somebody's fucking attention then you can use this drug isn't that just meth essentially but it makes your throat wider and your mouth wider temporarily okay side effects include um you know constant shitting um fingernails get really long really fast you have to constantly cut them about every five minutes okay and um i'm gonna throw out yeah yeah and you become hard when you look at pictures of your mother. Okay.

All right. Well, a lot of things about that are- You ingest it by sitting on it. Like a bird on an egg. What's the name of the story? Attention X. Attention X. Attention X.

All right, Nemesh, what do you got? Oh, this is tough. No, it doesn't matter. You can say whatever you want to say. I never want to be- I would have a pill that would turn me into a dog whenever I wanted. I was actually thinking the same thing. You were thinking the same thing?

What are the odds of that? I'm going to come up with something else. You messed up my answer. How is that the answer taken by anybody? Every location on America's Island, we all want the drug. We just want to be dogs. Like, now it's over. Clearly the demand is here.

It is kind of true, though. So how long does it last? How long does it take to kick in, and how long are you a dog? Didn't the Nutty Professor do this? Maybe. It takes like two seconds, but it lasts until you take a shit. Okay. And you turn back into a person.

So then when you're a dog, you're shitting outside. You shit as a dog, yeah. But then you're a human again, just taking a big shit in public. And you're naked, yeah. Those are the side effects. Yeah, and you're naked in public and shitting. Is the shit like the stinkiest one

you've ever smelled in your entire life where you throw up a little bit? It's a human shit, but it comes out of a dog. All right. Awesome. Whoa! That is kind of mind-blowing. You don't really smell much human shit, but it comes out of a dog. All right. Awesome. Whoa, that's... That is kind of mind-blowing. Human shit coming out of a dog.

You don't really smell much human shit on the street. I mean, you see it in New York all the time, but... You're not whiffing it. So we're coming up with a fancy name for this. We just call it Dog Pill. I kind of like Dog Pill. I kind of like Dog Pill, too. Dog Pill kind of works.

Yeah, marketing and R&D says Dog Pill. Ben, what do you think? I don't know. So a drug, what would I like to do? I would like to do, I'm always so bad at these things. Yeah, it's just like you got to think about it. You should have a pill that makes you better at this shit. Yeah, a pill that makes you better at my segments.

Segmento Rex. I mean, perfect. What are the side effects? Let's come up with them for him like we did for the rest of it. Yeah, you're 6'7". You get red hair

and blue skin. Be like me. I'm going to win. I'm going to win. So that's fine with me. No, no, no. No, no, no. I got an idea.

I have an idea. I have... All right. It's all been fun and game. But no, I just came up with an idea. I came up with it all by myself. It's a pill that makes me better at segments. It's called Segmento X. And the side effects are you get real tall,

you get red hair, kind of got some loose skin. But it's good. It's a good pill, and I would like to take it. And of course, you know, the benefits are endless. I like it. I like it.

Yang, what do you got? What if there was a drug called like Evolvorex or something like that? And it was like, you know that how thing where when it's hot outside or cold outside and your parents are like, don't leave the door open. And you're like, but if everybody leaves the door open, then it'll be a different temperature outside. And you're an idiot. You know. But this is, here's the drug. But if everybody leaves the door open, then it'll be a different temperature outside. And you're an idiot.

You know. But here's the drug. Everybody releases the drug all the time. It's like an airborne drug, and it scratches off the calcium deposits on everybody's third eyes. It opens their third eyes so that their ego lifts for like 24 hours. Wow. And then the only side effect is you get a free t-shirt that says, I reached ultimate enlightenment and all I got was this dumb

ass t-shirt. I like that. From the round table. That's not bad. And promotion. That's promotion. That's not bad. That's good. That's good. I mean, really, my multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical company is only used to fund the round table of gentlemen. There you go. Good.

Interesting. Jackie? So this was in Dogville. I'm going with my original idea. It's similar, though. Wow. All right, so you take a pig. You shave off, you know what's got that hair on the outside of it? Yeah, weird pig hair.

Yeah, that pig hair. Bristly. You shave it off, and you call the hair chitlins. Put it on a spoon, and you smoke it the way you smoke meth. So you light it underneath, and you suck in the smoke. I'm familiar with that. It makes your mouth feel like it's indestructible

so you can eat trash. You can eat whatever you want. And also, you just lay in mud. So you act like a pig. So you turn yourself into a goat pig? Yeah, but you love it. You become a human compost. You become a human compost. You have a really good time.

You're a human compost. It lasts, like, the amount of time, like, smoke in a joint would last. Are the side effects just everything you just described? Yeah, you, like, realize, like, what am I doing? I've been, like, chewing on cans and laying in mud for the past, like, 45 minutes. Feeling bad about yourself. However, you can get away with it in the house because you'd be like, oh, I'm going to get chitlins.

Like when your mom, because you're living with your mom, obviously, at like 30 years old, you're like, oh, I'm going to go get chitlins. And then she finds you out back smoking a roll around in mud. Are you naked when you're doing this? Oh, 100%. And usually you take some of the excess chitlins

and you try and put it on your body. Right. This sounds like actually pleasing to me. I mean, street drug. I'd kind of like to try this. Eddie, what do you got?

It'd be kind of fun, sneaky street drug, you know, that you can put out. Mine's more of an extension on a drug that already exists, a street drug, mushrooms.

I love mushrooms. Mushrooms are a lot of fun. The best. What we're going to do is we're going to combine mushrooms with my favorite thing, which is cheeseburgers. Oh, mushrooms.

So what we're going to do and how we're going to do this is we're going to take fresh mushrooms right out of the cow shit and then we're going to feed it right back to the cows. Wow. Wow. So when you milk the cow

All the milk's gonna be hallucinogenic I love it When we use the butter When we make the cheese And the meat itself Everything except for the bread Is like eating mushrooms You don't have to go through the horrible part

Of eating chalky mushrooms Can I ask you this Are you gonna set up a cool set up for the cows So they've got like some light shows and stuff going on? Give them some trip toys. Give them some trip toys. That's a good idea. I'll build a

big dome over them and play a big planetarium for the cows and then, you know, of course when they die we just shoot them in the head. With a bolt while screaming in their face. And burning their hide. The tensest muscles ever killed.

So freaked out. Yeah, so basically, we're talking about mushrooms, but cheeseburgers instead of mushrooms. Now, a couple of technical questions here. Like, how long? This trip's probably going to last a lot longer when you ingest these things, right? I imagine it's about the same. It's about the same. Well, it depends, I mean, how big the burger is.

It's the same, man. You've got to get it on the scale. It's a scale situation. I'm suggesting an eight ounce burger. That's a good thing for that, too, because you can open up a fucking restaurant. That's right. Alright, Marcus, we, because he can open up a fucking restaurant. That's right. All right, Marcus, we've got to wrap it up.

What do you got? Well, I mean, of course, like, Nimesh wins with dog pill. Yeah. Okay, very good. For the pharmaceutical company. However, Jackie, you're being brought in on my secret drug ring. Yeah, me and Jim. So we're in two winners type situations?

We got three winners. Because we're also bringing in Eddie, since Eddie already runs one of my restaurants, we're going to bring in his idea on one of our illegal restaurants that's out in the third world. Absolutely. And then we're going to fly in the Grateful Dead. Yeah. What's left of him. Mostly dead, exactly.

Jerry's fucking corpse. Do you think there's anything left of Jerry at this point? Or is he just a white skeleton? No, he's been smoked. He only lives on through Cherry Garcia. Did he get buried? Or did he get cremated? Or what happened? Jerry got cremated.

He's going to blow it up. All right, everybody. That's the roundtable. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larsen, Oli Vanilli. Thank you for being here, everybody. And Yang Miller. And Yang Miller, you've got a show every Saturday at 8 p.m. at the pit, right? That's correct. And also, I'm promoting a new thing Saturday at 8 p.m. at the pit, right? That's correct.

And also I'm promoting a new thing that I'm doing called VIP Style, the Terry Hicks story. You can Google that shit and have a couple of laughs. That's right. With the Yang start. Thank you, Yang. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you soon.

Bye. Good night.