The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 160: Bonkers Radio 99.5

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man desecrates a well-loved tradition in Canada by swallowing a forty year old toe, a goat refuses to leave a roof, and a Chinese dog hunter is foisted by his own petard as he accidentally kills himself with the very weapon he used to hunt canines. Joining us today: Round Tabler of the Year Michael Che and the Reformed Whores!

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen, and nowility. Anytime.

Welcome to the Round Table, gentlemen, and now at the Reform Tours. Every morning at ten in the morning my cell phone rings. Every morning at ten in the morning my cell phone sings. Time to take my birth control. Time to take my birth control.

Cause I love you, baby, but I don't want you, baby, so I always take my birth control. Time to take my birth control. Cause I love you baby, but I don't want you baby, so I always take my birth control. I know you make a really great dad, but you're probably really, really mad if I didn't take my birth control. Yeah, I didn't take my birth control. Cause you love me baby, but you don't want my baby, so I always take my birth control. I know the pill makes me fat. With a baby, I'd be twice the size of that. So I always take my birth control. Yeah.

Always take my birth control. Because I love my body, baby. You'd be bigger with a baby. So I always take my birth control. I can barely make my rent. With a baby, I'd move to a tent. So I always take my birth control. Yeah.

Always take my birth control. Cause I don't want a baby It'd ruin my life So I always take my birth control Yeah! Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Kill babies. Kill babies.

Kill the babies. Kill the babies. Don't even make the babies. That's the reformed whores channeling the mind of every woman Michael Che has ever had sex with. Michael Che is in the chuckle hut today. It is an honor and a privilege

to be here with the two-time Brown Tindler of the year. Twice. I will have a perfunctory applaud for him. Michael Che, everybody. So much better than Henry. So much better than Henry. of the year. Twice. I will have a perfunctory applaud for him. This is great. Thank you. Thank you. So much better than Henry.

So much better than Henry. I invented it, but someone had to improve it. That's right. That's right. It was really cool to be nominated and everything this year

and I really... For the Creek Awards you're discussing. No, no. For the round table of the year. Round table of the year. But like,

Che really just like on another level. When it comes to round table of the year. Oh, for the round table of the year. But, you know, but like Che really just like on another. He's on another level. When it comes to round table, being on podcast. Did he pay you guys with his SNL money to be nice to this fucking dumb piece of shit? I'll tell you what, though. I'm in that class all alone, like a special ed kid, you know? Yeah.

All right, well, sitting in for Jackie Zebrowski, we have another Zebrowski. The better Zebrowski, Henry Zebrowski. God gave me a trophy and called it a penis. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous, Henry. A penis is a curse. Jackie's pussy is gold. All right, who else is around here?

Oh, Ben Larson. Hold it, McNeely. Whoa! That's getting bad, dude. It's always been bad. It's not getting bad. It's been there. I'm Kevin Barnett.

I'm Ben Kissel. Obviously, that was the reformed horse. It's Maria and Katie. Marie. Did you just say Maria? You asked me before the show, and you still fucked it up. Did I not say Marie? I thought I heard a little Maria at the end.

No, I said Marie and Katie. You tried to halfie get out of it. Yeah. It's okay. You looked at me like, oh, shit, I might have just said that wrong. Yeah, Kissel came up to you. He's like, it's Bengals and Cindy, right? No.

You know six women. Two of them. Bengals and Cindy. Paught them at the strip club in Minneapolis this weekend. Anyway, and then I am Ben Kissel, as I always am. And then that is Marcus Parks. And Marcus, you have some news stories for us, so let's get to those. A man has left a Dawson City, Yukon hotel in a bit of a toe jam.

The man was at the downtown hotel Saturday night drinking the infamous Sour Toe Cocktail, which involves swigging a shot of whiskey with a human toe in the glass. Ben was at the downtown hotel Saturday night drinking the infamous Sour Toe cocktail, which involves swigging a shot of whiskey with a human toe in the glass and allowing the toe to touch the drinker's lips. This is what Henry calls it when he fingers a chick, the old Sour Toe. This time, the patrons swallowed the digit on purpose. The hotel so-called toe... Wait a second, this is a severed human toe? It's a human toe in a drink, yes.

It's a human toe in a drink. Where did they get the toe? They got the toe in 1973 after the toe was run by a man called Captain Dick Stevenson. Who was never in the Army. No, no, no. They call him a captain because he only has one eye. Oh, toe is Dick Stevenson. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It belonged to a Prohibition-era rum runner, and it was found by boat captain Dick Stevenson. It belonged to a Prohibition era rum runner. And it was found by boat captain Dick Stevenson. So was it just the bone? No, it's a full toe. Oh, good. Oh, my God. Yeah, if you guys can look, it's a full toe. It looks like Oprah's toe.

That toe is in the butler. Lee Daniels, the toe. That's a movie I'd fucking see. That toe is in the butler. Lee Daniels the toe. That's a movie I'd fucking see. Lee Daniels the toe. That would be big as shit, helping out Nixon hide some files. His toes touch the lips of nine presidents. Every American president's been loaded off their fucking asses.

Sucking down that toe liquor. That's great. Well, the hotel's so-called toe captain, Terry Lee, performed... So-called. Also not in the army. Yeah. So-called is like constantly drunkenly called. Telling everybody how he's the toe captain. Why are you the toe captain?

What does that even mean? I got this cape. Well, Terry Lee, the toe captain, performed the drink ceremony and said the man took the shot, gulped down the toe, and then slapped $500 cash on the counter, the fine for swallowing the appendage. I love this dude. God damn it, I want to be rich. So bad.

So bad. So wait a second, so they already knew that it was an option that someone would accidentally swallow the toe and so they put a fine in place. They assumed that the fine was going to be big enough that no one would be dumb enough to fucking swallow the toe because who's got 500 bucks in Canada?

In the Yukon, no less. This is the tongue. You got to protect that toe, man. You got to make them take the shot in a sippy cup or something so the toe doesn't come out. Peeking that over its head. Yeah, stuck it through a nipple or something. In fact, there is only one rule when it comes, well, besides not swallowing the toe, the one rule remains, you can drink it fast, you can drink it slow, but the lips have got to touch that toe.

I love this bar. I love this shot. I enjoy everything about this story. That rule was written by God himself. That's right. In the voice of Morgan Freeman. Indeed. Fucking carved into a piece of concrete.

I think you just tell them, are they going to follow this guy until he shits it out? Yeah, get it back. Do you shit out the toe? No, you do it. You digest the toe. What about this bone part? Well, the bone might come out,

but still. The fingernail will make it out of the toenail. The weird thing is this toe, this happened 2013. This happened just recently, right?

Yeah, this happened last month. Well, they have two toes. They have two toes. What did they pickle the. This is 1973. Well, they have two toes. They have two toes. So what, did they pickle the toe? Yes. In fact, they have two toes, and they would rotate the toes. One of the toes...

Same guy, though? That's the luckiest understudy toe that's ever been. Oh, he's the best. It's his time to shine now. Finally, that motherfucking Oprah toe is gone. We have two, just in case yours are wet. Oh, that's nice. Not bad. is gone. We have two, just in case yours are wet. Oh, that's nice. Oh.

The two toes rotate with one in use and the other stored in coarse salt. The toe captain said, right now, the toe we are using, we're going to be using it continuously, and it's going to deteriorate. We're going to have to get rid of that toe once it starts falling apart. And find a new fucking toe. How do they find a new toe?

Well, it's very obvious how you find a new toe because the punishment didn't seem like it was enough we all know the story this guy eats this toe he grows home he goes home he starts to see more and more toe like symptoms so finally he shrinks into a toe they put him into a bottle

and it's game over now there's a movie that's a great Tales from the Crypt episode. I know about that. That's perfect. Utopian forever. Oh, that's just awful, A. Utopia.

That's terrible. That's not right. I'm going to go kill myself. Don't kill yourself. Don't kill yourself. Can we take your toe, though? Jay, would you take this shot, man? Are you taking this fucking toe shot?

Nah, man, I don't kiss feet for free. Oh! It cost you $500. How much? They have to pay you? Yeah, they got to pay me to suck somebody's toes, man. How much is it going to cost you to fucking suck Henry Zebrowski's toe? At least $40.

No, no one has that around here. You're safe. You're safe. That's fine. At least. No one would want to watch it. No, it's disgusting. That would be the worst.

That would be the least viewed thing on anywhere. Oh, my God. Can you have negative views on YouTube? Yes, I paid this shoe abolish boy extra. Everybody will turn their TVs off just out of fucking respect. Yeah, just turn it off. I don't watch anything that hour. It's just the sounds of him going, oh, oh.

It's just, oh, oh, oh. And then he's going, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. That's gross. Counting the money. Ben, are you a toe guy? I'm not a toe guy. No, I'm not a toe guy, man. I don't care about toes.

I'm not a toe guy. I don't get the foot fetish. Rex Ryan, the head coach of the New York Jets, loves feet. Maria, have you ever been with a dude who says fuck your tits, fuck your ass, let me see those feet? I feel like it's weird. I've given a handjob with my feet. You have a handjob with your feet? Well, that's almost impossible to do.

I've given a foot job. There's a song. You've given a foot job before? Well, just jokingly. I don't think he thought it was so funny. Was he rock hard and trying to come all over you? It's not a joke for him. Exactly.

Oh, yeah, tell that joke again. Oh, I love that. I love the punchline where I fucking come all over your goddamn heel. That's so funny. How funny is she, Eddie? What is she up to? He just came all over my knees. It was totally fun.

That is funny. That is funny. Look, I gave you some socks. What about you, Katie? He just came all over my knees. It was totally fine. That is funny. That is funny. Look, I gave you some socks. What about you, Katie? You like that stuff? This guy, you fucking, you're going to kiss a dude after he takes a toe shot? No. It's disgusting, right?

She thought about it. You're going to say no. What if they put salt on your hand first? You can lick the salt. Oh, you treat it like tequila. What's that? Oh, my God. That's disgusting.

I won't even do the worm and the tequila thing. Oh, no. I've never seen that before. What? Where have you been living? Is it good? Yeah, it's wild.

Does it get you messed up? Wait, did you eat it? You ate it. I swallowed it. I didn't chew it. Yeah, yeah, but did it get you fucked up? Did it make you trip a little bit? I only ate like a quarter of the worm.

You ate some too, right? What? No. I'm pretty sure. She doesn't eat his own kind. I don't fuck up with that, yeah. But did it get you fucked up? Did it make you trip a little bit? I only ate like a quarter of the worm. You ate some too, right? What? No. I'm pretty sure. She doesn't eat as unkind. How fucked up was I? What are you talking about? We don't even remember.

There's no way. Yeah, I'm friends with the worm. We play poker on Wednesday nights. I don't think I'd be eating one of them. You're present as a necklace. I'll never kill worms. I'm pretty positive I ate worm with Holden. Holden would be worse than Casey Anthony if he ate a fucking worm.

That chick killed her fucking child. I feel like eating worm is like prison term for a blowjob. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat the worm in seven Gs. Maybe like an Asian prison where like, hey, you want to eat my worm? Slurping worm. It might not be too big over there. Slurping worm needs to be a name of a fucking Asian porno.

That's fine. It's like lady in the tramp kisses. Exactly. Oh, that was romantic. Oh, man.

So this dude just got, he's got a toe in his tummy right now and he's probably not feeling too well. Lady in the tramp. I've got some more

information about Captain Dick Stevenson. I went to sourtoecocktailclub.com and clicked on the About Me section. And he's got a long history. He was a cowboy in Alberta for a while. He's a nice Canadian man.

But apparently there is a legend in the Yukon in which a man offered a woman his entire claim if he would stay with her on the claim for an entire season. Her weight in gold. So Captain Dick says... How fat was she? 138 pounds.

Wow, that's a lot of gold. That's a standard pioneer woman. Yes. And that's $15.50 per ounce. That's a standard fucking American right now. And what Captain Dick has, he says, I unfortunately hadn't got 138 pounds of gold, but I do have a claim on a side creek on Upper Bonanza.

It's a 1,500-foot-long discovery claim. The creek above it and the two below are producers of gold. I have never gotten the claim open, but it has a good potential. My offer to the ladies, this claim for one summer, June 1st to September 15th, with me. What year? This offer goes out to the ladies, 20 years to 35 years old. Oh, he's thrown out to the ladies 20 years to 35 years old send a picture and resume to Captain Dick

Stevenson box 1 Dawson City Yukon this is happening now? now this is happening now this is his this is his website what's the address again?

Captain Dick Stevenson box 1 1, Dawson City, Yukon. That is out there. Oh, Eddie. Just a big wooden crate that he lives in. Yeah, exactly. Painted on the side of it. We got to get a picture of your dick and send it to this guy, Eddie. He'll fucking fly you out there.

All right, all right. You've tried to get a picture of Ed's dick many times now, but I think it's the best. Hold in. We're not talking about when I talk to you in quiet times. You know, around 4 a.m. about how I plan to get fucking a picture of Eddie's cock. Wow.

Ben fell asleep on his friend's couch naked this weekend and shit on it. It doesn't matter. Oh, does Ed say sentences that are supposed to be kept between us? Yes, he fucking does. First of all, number one, my friend's fault for having me on his couch. Number two, my fucking underwear's fault for falling off when I took it off me.

Number three, booze. Number four. Your butthole. That's right. And number five, a great fucking experience at Ponderosa. All right. My great five, a great fucking experience at Ponderosa. All right. My great Aunt Betty's favorite restaurant. It's the best goddamn restaurant until you fall asleep and shit on your face.

It doesn't matter. When did you turn 80? Like, what? Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael. No. Just pissed himself. Right before the podcast, Ben was pretty certain.

Are we just going to say shit? Pissed himself. And he's got a big wet spot. He has a little mark. All right. Number one, I'm the leader of this podcast. Number two, people must respect me. Number three, in order for that to happen, you cannot tell stories of accurate pissing

in advance. Mark, it's next story. Jay, no, Jay. You don't get it. Jay, you get everything in life, Jay. You don't get... Che, you get everything in life, Che. You don't get this from me, Che. Marcus, I think Che asked for the next story. You just want to follow the leader and give it to him.

That'd be great. A Tennessee woman is hospitalized and facing a criminal charge for allegedly stealing $5,000 from her boyfriend. facing a criminal charge for allegedly stealing $5,000 from her boyfriend, cash she hid in her rectum and unsuccessfully sought to retrieve with a toilet brush and tongs when confronted by the theft victim. Toilet brush and tongs. Wait, she's from Tennessee? I think I know her. Do you know Christy Black, this fucking reptilian frog woman?

She is so weird. Mama! Weird. She's got like a Pee Wee Herman hairline. And a good chin neck. Massive forehead. That ain't pretty. It was a toilet brush and tongs she attempted to dig out this five grand with from her asshole.

Bristle side up? I guess. We can only speculate. Wait, Ben, this is a good time for you to defend yourself. For what? Maybe you're shoving some money up in there. That's how you had to get it out when you were sitting on your friend's couch. Oh, no, no is a good time for you to defend yourself. For what? Maybe you're shoving some money up in there. That's how you had to get it out when you were sitting on your friend's couch. Oh, no, no.

I wasn't. Quarters. No. Oh, no, it looks like we're making a withdrawal on your couch. I don't like this episode. He forgot his PIN number. It was great. I was actually very happy That I shat on this couch

Did you blame it on Like the cat or dog? No there's no cat or dog There's no animals That can live in that apartment No way Who discovered Did he discover

Dude did you shit Or did you just like Oh I think I shit on the couch No it was just like A thing happened Like who finds out about that Who finds The couch is the first to find out.

It kind of tells you with the evidence. No, man, I saw it later on. I was making fun of him for it. I had to spit it some out. I feel like the new Pee Wee Herman, where the couch is like, oh, man. Oh, you took a dump on me. Oh, no, Mr. Couchy, it's just chocolate ice cream. I know what chocolate ice cream is.

Why is it so warm? Dave, I don't like your new friend. Whatever. He was lucky to have me. He was lucky I fucking came to visit. And this is Dave's couch. This is the man who designed the round table gentleman logo. Oh, he shit on his couch.

It would have been okay for anybody else but him, man. And he looks bad, too. Dave's all sweaty and fat, not getting pussy, and then my big ass goes over there and shits on his couch. You are a man. I feel bad about it, you know? Terrible. Dave doesn't deserve that, man.

He doesn't. He's a good guy. Dave doesn't deserve that, man. He doesn't. He's a good guy. Very few people deserve shit on the couch. Marie, you ever shit on the couch? You know, as you're telling the story, you know, I think as a woman, I'm not, it's not socially, as society, like, would definitely, y'all would not be my friends anymore at all if I was, like, the girl that shat on a couch. But as a man,

I don't like that. A few shit on a couch. You're a lot more forgiving than that. I would always be that girl that shat on the couch. We're going to forget about this next week. Because you did it. Y'all will forget this. It's Ben's 9-11.

We're going to keep this one in the memory. You're going to forget about it until Ben sits on your couch. He's never invited. Pregnant women are not allowed in my house and Ben Kissel is not allowed. A pregnant woman around a non-pregnant woman inflates her uterus. I know. I'd catch it. Is that how babies work?

I think so. It's more possible for a woman to get pregnant if she's hanging out with a bunch of other pregnant women all the time, right? If that's true possible for a woman to get pregnant if she's hanging out with a bunch of other pregnant women, like, all the time, right? If that's true, I am totally quitting my pregnant yoga class. I don't know. I'm not, like, a doctor or a scientist or, like, even, like, a good man, like, a normal, like, smart man. So I don't know how uterus is, like, worked. Wait, if that's true, I have no idea.

I'm terrified. Are you in a pregnant yoga class? No, not really. No. I'm the one. I've been going to Target a lot. I've been shopping for bras. I'm always picking out the nursing one. Are you a pregnant yoga class? No, not really. No, not really. I'm the one. I've been going to Target a lot. I've been shopping for bras. I'm always picking out the nursing one.

Are you pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant. I hope. You're just shopping for bras? Nursing bras? Do those have holes in the front? Yeah. Did you know this?

I didn't really know this, but the bra part comes- Like a stripper? So a stripper and an expecting mother wear the exact same bras? It's like a stripper. I was like, hell yeah, this is sexy. But no, it's like when you're feeding a baby in public or wherever, I guess. Baby needs to be fed. It just comes.

Sorry. I am sorry. Jesus Christ, Harvey. I apologize. Kevin, do you think it's a rousing? It's not fair. It's not fair. You know, you see titties.

Titties are always great. Nipples are awesome. When a kid sucks on it, it's kind of weird, but it's still kind of fun to see a titty. It is fun to see a titty. I still look at it. Give me a break. I think titties are exciting. Especially in public. There's nothing better than

a surprise titty. Did I tell you my story, though? I got back from L.A. this year, and I came to Williamsburg. There is a very crunchy granola C-Town near my house. And I went there, and I was in the cereal aisle, and there was a woman, a heavy-bosomed woman. Heavy bosomed. Very pregnant and with a child.

How much in gold were her tits? 35 knots. Is that it? Is that it? Is that it? No, that's right. 35 knots of tits. So this woman was breastfeeding. Is that the term? This woman was breastfeeding.

And I'm looking at cereal, picking out the type of flax I'm going to ingest. Right, so you can shit. Yeah. And she walked through and she was like, honey, oh, look, this is your, I guess her husband was in front of them. She was like, this is your favorite cereal. And the baby popped off her tit. And then she shot two streams of milk all over the cereal. The milk was just so excited.

Literally, it just went like, bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep. Clean up on aisle four. I cannot wait to the day that I can do that. I just think, is that not, like, incredibly filthy? She just threw it on the aisle. She was in the cereal aisle. I mean, I tried it. Captain Crunch?

Captain Dick Crunch or whatever. We've talked about it. Finders keepers. Have you ever had any breast milk? Fucking milking all over the goddamn surface. The milk I'm not worried about, but the giant nipple is... You don't like the giant nipple? No, I like that. I'm saying the milk, I don'tipple is... You don't like the giant nipple? No, I like that. I'm saying the milk, I don't want to...

You don't want to taste the milk? I don't want to taste the milk. That's gross. Do you not drink milk normally? I love milk, but I don't like warm milk. What if it was somebody who has some real cold tits? I'll follow her around. I'm listening.

I'm listening. Take these two cold six packs hold them against your tits milk all over me baby cold yeah yeah if you

if you could chill a titty and squirt some milk out yeah I'd be interested why not you would be the most baller dude in the world

if you just had titties on ice that's what they need to have in VIP rooms. I can't believe how hungry for cereal I am right now. We should do a nightclub in VIP rooms and have chilled titties.

Warm champagne, though. Yeah, you call it witch's tit. Witch's tit. All cold titties. And then we put a toe in it. Oh, boy. I like that. Baby's toe. I really we put a toe in it. Oh, boy. Oh, I like that. Baby's toe. I really dropped the ball on that one. No, that was good.

Oh, and by the way, this is the eighth toe that has been swallowed at the Yukon. Not swallowed, but the eighth toe they've gone through at the Yukon Hotel. What? Wow. So what happens to the tenth one? They only got one left. They just have these two that they're rotating out, but they've had always two. Always there are two.

One, a bird took it out of a dude's hand. The dude looking for his toe came back and took it back with him. They gave him the toe. Naturally. Is this my fucking toe? It looks just like my toe. I swear to Christ, I lost it. Tailie toe.

Tailie toe. Don't you know that? Tail. You're drunk. You're drunk. What happened to you? She literally had half a Toccata. You've been on the road for six months and you have become a lightweight.

I could drink you under the table. No, there's that old folklore where there was the monster and then the hunter cut off his tail in the middle of the night and then in the middle of the night you could hear Taley Poo, Taley Poo. Give me back my Taley Poo. Is that like Stone Soup? monster and then like the hunter cut off his tail in the middle of the night and then in the middle of the night you could hear tailie poo, tailie poo. Give me back my tailie poo. Is that like stone soup? Yeah, but with a tail. We're done with the conversation.

I've never God damn it. Sorry, I'm sorry. That's fine. Ben, have you ever shit the bed? Like your bed? I live with them so I need to know these things. No, I've never things. Share a couch. Yeah, we share two couches. Well, technically, it's all toilets.

All right. Just lined up. Yeah, exactly. It's all pipes. Yeah, something's happening. No, I have shit in your bed, though. Hold on. Okay.

And it was a great experience for your fucking girlfriend, man. Yeah, burn, right? Good, yeah. Back, back to the game. Yeah, good. What happens when you get Ben in a corner? Ben is now high-fiving himself. It's very awkward.

All right. All right, well, back to this woman who shoved... Thank you. This woman... Where were you before, by the way? I mean, she shoved $5,000 in $100 bills up her ass. I tell you, if she wanted to get that out, she would have shown her butthole to a homeless man,

and he saw that little dollar bill hanging out of it. He'd be like, oh, somebody's going digging. It's like the magician with the scarf in his ear. How much money is there? Goddamn, woman. All right, so you're picking $100. You pick a $100 bill out of a woman's ass. Then you peek and you're like oh my god there's another one.

And then you're like oh my god that's too much bucks. You're like oh my god there's another one. How long is enough? When do you stop pulling them out? Until I get a colon out of there. I'm pulling everything out of there. It's like a reverse strip club.

The thing is you take the money, you put it in a fucking bus station locker, and you take the key and put that up your ass. You don't put the dollars. Yeah. The paper dollars. That's a mistake. You do that 50 times. I mean, she had 50.

You would pull out $50, $100 bills out of this woman's ass. World's most expensive tissue bus. Yeah! Grossest, most expensive. I love it. I wish every girl had $5,000 in their asshole. I'd be rich as shit. And by the way, as she was trying... Ugh.

That's fine. Rich as shit, it's a good pun. Yeah, she's like, go bobbin' for hundos. Exactly. Bobbin' for hundos, the Ben Kissel story. Not to mention just how unhygienic it was. Actually, I took my lady to the slipper room on Friday night at the burlesque place. And there was one chick who was go-go dancing, shoving money in her mouth, in her ass, in her pussy. It was disgusting.

Sounds better than a normal burlesque show. And it wasn't like, wow, it was crazy. No, yeah, they definitely go all out. I'm pretty sure that was strippers. No, no, it wasn't. Well, I mean, she go-go dances in between. She was a little crazier. Like, she was showing full everything.

Was it her own money or other people? No, money people were fucking throwing at her and stuff. How much did she throw at her? I didn't throw down. I was like, I'm going to watch everyone else throw down. You should have thrown your glasses up there and see what she did with those. I wanted to see her do laundry with saliva-ass ass soil dollar bills. Yeah, exactly, man.

I would love to see the deli man. Dude, if I fold the dollar wrong, I can't get it in a vending machine. So how long would it take for a vending machine to recognize a dollar after it's been soaked in saliva and pussy juice? I cannot get this diet doctor to put on this fucking thing. I'm going to stretch out my fucking ass dollar. But it's also one of those things, like, if you got, like, I'm on the train. It's 110 degrees in the subway. I hand you a dollar bill,

it's going to be a little, like, damp. Right? And that's one type of sweaty. But then you see a beautiful, you know, like, that's a wet dollar bill. You've got to be careful. You've got to be careful. Man, did you shit on your money? No, I shit out my money. This whole episode is a fucking PSA for hepatitis.

It really is. That's what I'm saying. Can you get something from like putting money in your ass? Money is dirty. So dirty. Money is dirty. It's like cocaine on it and everything. Yeah.

What? No, they say like 80% of US currency has traces of cocaine on it. It's all cocaine and shit. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah. It's all cocaine and shit. It's fucking disgusting. Yeah. It's awful. And this woman, when she tried digging out the money with the toilet brush and the set of tongs, she started-

How big is her asshole? I know. I would just use fingers. An asshole can get very big. Yeah. Or a tweezer. Yeah. An asshole.

You can't- Oh, man. The things that can fit in assholes. I would totally help you get it. Oh, thank you. I would love to watch that. Can you do that? I'm Marie Katie.

Two girls, 50 bucks. I don't have any money. I got, like, quarters and shit, but that'll work. Sorry, you were saying, Marcus. She was bleeding. She made herself bleed so much that she had to go to the hospital. Finally. I was saying, in an attempt to retrieve the cash from inside her body,

Black unsuccessfully employed a toilet brush and a set of tongs. Deputy Michael Allen reported she was bleeding severely and was transported to the Hawkins County ER. There, the wad of money was removed and collected as evidence. Evidence? You ever see money that don't got blood on it? You never lived. That must mean there was $10,000 that she shoved up there because if it's evidence, they took some of that shit.

Oh, that's true. They took a couple of pictures. Dirty money. Yeah, like of poo-poo colored dollars. Like they're taking that to someone's Instagram picture. Are you going to accept some poo-poo money? I'd take $100 if it was covered in fucking

AIDS dust. Definitely. I don't know if AIDS dust exists. I don't even know. I don't know. Again, I'm not a scientist. I'm not doing poo-poo money. If you get the money, Kevin, you get the fucking five grand, but you do have to shove it in your ass. You shove it in your ass, right? I have no problem shoving money in my ass. Give us a fuck. I'll take $5,000. If it's $5,000.

Did you get it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll put it right in my ass. Give us a fuck. I'll take $5,000. If it's $5,000. Did you get it? Yeah. Yeah. I'll put it right in my ass. See, but the thing is, if you're going to shove five grand up your ass, wouldn't you want to put it in a condom first? Roll it in a fucking billfold.

A billfold? How much money do you got, Marcus? Well, see, what I'm doing is I've got a lot of $1 bills right now. All right, bend over, kiss him.

I'm just going to get this. $1 bills. My ass only fits hundreds. I ain't trying to take one dollar bills. Your ass is like a Swiss bank account. Indeed. Anonymous. I've got 12 bills here.

You wad up these bills. Look at that. That's just 12 of them. They look like Mandingo's head. Yeah, you did a poor job at that market. Yeah, army pack bad shit. What if you were putting that up your butt? No, see, that's what I'm talking about.

This woman, the money was laid out because the guy says that he had left the money out as a test to see if this woman would steal from him. So he left the money out on the old foosball table. She grabs it. She wads it up, much like I just wadded it up, and then shoved it up her butt. I just love this movie. You keep saying, much like I wadded it up, but yeah, you can get it way smaller than you did. It's like the worst fucking episode of Mythbusters. Just like I did.

That's not what happened. Sorry, motherfucker. I just love this chick. I'm just kind of thinking about this story about how this chick just uses her asshole like a purse. You know, she's going through the supermarket

and she's just making change, grabbing everything out of her asshole, grabbing keys out of it. So many criminals use their orifices as purses. It's perfect. We talked about the woman

who shoved a loaded.45 up there. That's right. She shoved it up her pussy. Yeah. It's a bigger space. I guess so, yeah. What were you going to say, Katie? I know a lady that got a baby up there. That's a verse.

Knock it off, Mike. That's pedophilia. Having a whole baby inside of yourself. This is like a real problem that we have on the road. Maybe you have this problem on the road too. But we'll get cash for our merch sales and we won't be able to find a bank to deposit in. So I think this solves our problem, right?

You put it in your butt. I'll put it in your butthole, and then I'll just get it back out with tweezers. Perfect. Don't use a bathroom brush. It's too much blood. If I put the money in my ass, then where am I going to put the merch? Don't get that. All of Michael's J's t-shirts smell like butt.

Your Katie Frames suppository depository. All right, let's move on to another story. Not so ass related, maybe. Let's move on to Goat News. I want to do Goat News. I am Lord. The plural for goat is geets. Is that right?

No. I wanted to believe that so hard. It's just so hard not to believe anything that comes out of the mouth of the round table of the year. Freshest writer of 2013. Oh, let's talk about that. Yeah, you wrote for us. But, Kevin, you just did, before this story, you just did this show with Chappelle,

and you were doing the Oddball Festival. I was there, yeah. And it was fucking amazing shit. Yeah, it was dope. Yeah, I saw the whole alleged meltdown and whatnot in Hartford. Everyone's so quick to fucking be like, Chappelle is melting down. He is melting down.

It's like the audience seemed like a bunch of fucking dipshits. He's totally fine. You can see, like, I've met him once or twice before, like, real briefly, and he's, like, a really nice dude, and he'll, like, just talk to people, like, backstage before he went on. It was already something you could see,

like, in his... He was just, like, walking through without looking at people. He was already kind of in a bad mood, I think, going up there. Then he gets up there, and people are just yelling shit out of him constantly.

What kind of stuff are they yelling out? Just quotes from the show. Yeah. Rick James and all that shit. And it was, like, 10 years ago. Also, that white power. He probably gets white power a lot. There was a lot of they yelling out? Just quotes from the show. Yeah. And it was like 10 years ago. Also that white power. He probably gets white power a lot. There was a lot of people

yelling white power. Which, Jesus Christ. It's pretty fucking awful. Yeah. It just rolls off the tongue. It really does. I mean, it's so easy and fun to say.

I hear people cheering it. I want to cheer too. It rolls off your fucking tongue. It sounds like fun. Just raise your hand up in the air. White power. I want to be a part of it. I just want to be a part of it, man.

I'm like an eighth white. I want to elevate that percentage as much as I can. So these fucking dumb pieces of shit. They're yelling at him, and he tries to do some quick jokes up top. But it gets like half the response it should, and he's getting more and more pissed. And they keep yelling. And finally, after a while, why he's like you know what

I ain't saying shit he pulls up a cigarette he lights up a cigarette pulls up the chair he's like you know what I ain't saying shit so y'all shut the fuck up and he sits down

how many minutes in is this? this is probably like 10 minutes in and then he just sits down for the next 15 minutes there's this chick in the front who's like holding up this book and he's like you know what

if I'm just gonna talk to this lady and she's like oh this is my book blah blah blah and he's like oh that's your book you wrote that? she's like holding up this book and he's like, you know what, if I'm just gonna talk to this lady and she's like, oh, this is my book, blah, blah, blah. And he's like, oh, that's your book you wrote there? She's like, yeah. He just grabs the book and he reads a little bit of the book

that's out loud. Yeah, he was a complete fuck you to the crowd. That's some Andy Kaufman brilliant shit. Yeah. And it was like, nice to the lady with the book.

Yeah, she had a book. She actually had a fucking brain on her. Yeah. That's awesome. So like after that. It's just so sad that you had to, you know,

make the audience feel sad. She probably never like shat a couch while she was sleeping on the couch. If I fucking hear one more goddamn story about how Kevin shat on his friend's day's couch, I'm going to fucking freak the fuck out. Okay? It didn't happen. And it did.

It did happen. Fine. But it was cool because the next show was awesome that he did. Fuck yeah. It was a total, complete difference. Twice as many people, more than twice as many people, and they were fucking, they listened You think that might have helped? Like when people say, okay, well, he's not taking shit, so let's not fuck with him.

That was their idea. Let's get our money's worth and not fuck with him so he can finish the show. I think that was definitely part of that, too. And then the security was tighter and all that shit. You said they were like tailgating and shit, too. Yeah, it was like a rock festival or whatever. Yeah. People were hammered. Yeah Pittsburgh was dope. Oh Pittsburgh was good but Hartford

was bad. Hartford was bad like after the show in Hartford it was like we were at a funeral like no one was talking backstage it was just quiet. We just kind of went home but after the show in Pittsburgh like he brought it was his wife's birthday. His wife and his kids flew out to surprise him like are you alright and all that shit. And then he brings them on stage at the end of his thing.

It was her birthday. They brought a cake out for her and all that shit. And then he was just, like, hanging out. Went to a bar. He was just happy. He was just dancing with his wife and shit. Oh, man, yeah. Beautiful.

That's great. I'll tell you what. One time he told Henry his shoes were untied at Union Square. That is my memory of Dave Chappelle. Really? I was walking down the street, and I heard, hey, man, your shoe's untied. And I look over, and it was Dave Chappelle. And I was like, my memory of Dave Chappelle. Really? I was walking down the street and heard, hey man, your shoe's untied. I looked over

and it was Dave Chappelle and I was like, oh, Mr. Chappelle. You know. That's so it. Henry, that was me, man. A bigger star

than Dave Chappelle because Michael Che is two times the size of the room. Precious Rider. Round table of the year. I mean,

I'm not going to lie. A lot of people won some awards at this table right now, and I think we should all congratulate ourselves. You know, you're welcome, everybody. We won the awards. You didn't win any awards. I was sort of part of the Henry roast, though, so I'm going to throw my name in there. Oh, the Henry roast.

We won an award. Beautiful thing, man. We're discussing the creaky awards that occurred here at the Creek of the Cave. The roast of Henry Zebrowski. We received the best special event, right? Best special event. That's right. So congratulations.

Thank you. Jay got freshest writer and then Kevin got best white male. How do you feel about that best white male? Well, I feel like my career is over. Yeah, yeah, yeah. White people don't. I told you not to do guy quotes. It gets a lot better.

I'm telling you, Kevin, you're going to love it. Let's go get a nosh. Have you heard? Let's go to Trader Joe's. There's a bunch of places I'm going to take you to. What do you mean? We're going to get into... Racquetball.

We got to play racquetball. Racquetball. Squash. It's just the world. I'm into it. I'm excited. New possibilities, man. I'm going to get you some sweaters.

Dude, I'm going to swim with dolphins. You're going to love to look at a manatee instead of not giving a shit about it. Black people normally see the manatees swimming and shoot them. They just shoot them. That's why they're in danger. But now I'm going to see that shit with an open heart and an open mind. I'm accepted into my life. Kevin, you're going to buy a small dog, aren't you?

Hell yeah, I'm buying a small dog. Take it camping with like $20,000 camping gear. All right, well, speaking of dogs, let's get back to some fucking animals. Let's get to goat news. A police officer who spotted something unusual in Gresham Thursday night was given a warning not to get any closer. It's a goat barber. He was told, that goat will charge you. The goat was on the roof of the house.

When they inquired if everything was okay, seeing as how goats aren't found on rooftops every day, they were told this farm animal was not the friendly type. In fact, they were told, quote, that goat only respects one man. Holden McNeely. His goddamn father. I had a fun time in the farm this past week. It was a really good, really good trip. You're just like a goat hostage

negotiator. No, I'm telling it to love itself. Don't worry, I can speak to him in a special language. Hey, fucker, I want you to be the fucker. Yeah. Oh, yeah, you fucked your ass. I don't believe it. All right, he says he wants to come down,

but he's a little scared, and he's going to charge you if you go up there. What's up, fucker? Oh, okay, yeah. Holy, can you give us the most annoying 12 seconds of radio in history right now? Welcome back to Bonkers! We're going to play you a thing today! We're going to play you a thing!

No, no, no! Yeah, Bonkers! Radio! 99.5! This is the dumbest shit I have ever... I love it that people listen to this while driving. Oh, my God. Holden is just the...

You're the funniest motherfucker. Holden makes me fucking laugh. Baby needs milk! All right, all right. He's sounding pretty fresh over there. I think we're going to have a fresh rider of 2014 over in that corner. I think so, Henry. Yeah.

The freshest. I call that fucking White I think so, Henry. Yeah. The freshest. I call that fucking White House down, fuckers. Fucking great. It is like... Burn it to the ground, fuckers.

It's phenomenal. Michael, have you ever been more annoyed by a voice? No. That's the worst. It's shocking, right? I'm bad.

It comes full circle where you sort of love it. That's how bad it is. We had a listener, we have a listener, I forget his name, who's a DJ who samples some, It's shocking, right? It comes full circle where you sort of love it. That's how bad it is. We had a listener. We have a listener. I forget his name, who's a DJ who samples some things that we say into mixes that he has. Really?

And he says he used everybody except for Holden because his voice is miserable to mess with. That's not true. Holden needs to have a whole fucking track To himself Holden needs a whole track To himself It just sounds like The machine is breaking I've been told my voice Can't double as a dog whistle

Which is nice They only make it Hear the certain frequencies I think dogs just hate you Yeah they just Hate the fuck out of you man Yeah they just Your voice is actually

What they use as poison when they tent a house. It's just cheese screaming a house this weekend. I don't know why. You get rid of bed bugs just by shouting at beds. Go away. Go away. Hey, bed bug faggot. Holden, Holden, how are you getting rid of bed bugs, Holden?

Hey, guys, it's time to get out of here. Yeah, I'm just going to be talking like this for the next 24 hours. Maybe you should probably think about leaving. We're leaving. Oh, my fucking Christ. All right. Welcome to Bonkers. This is the weirdest thing we've ever been a part of.

All right. Second time. Marcus, anything else with this goat story? Goats on the roof? The man that the goat respects is the owner of the goat who arrived at the house and got the two-year-old animal weighing in at 35 pounds off the roof without further incident. Very good. Officers suspect the goat used a ramp near the house to climb his way on top.

Why is this a news story? I don't know. They have a roof ramp. It's the reporter's house. That's why he wrote it. He's like, there's a goddamn goat. Now this story just... You see, I'm going to make you a star.

You all see goat wife of mine. Goat wife? See, I'm going to put you up on that roof. And I'm going to make you a star. I'm going to write a report about you. Wait, what story? There's a goat on the roof? There's a goat on a roof and then the goat came off that roof. I'm going to make you a star. There's a goat on the roof. And then the goat came off the roof. That's the whole story.

It was literally the entire fucking story. It's the least story we've ever had on the show. But it led to Holden being very fucking rude. Which I'm extremely happy about. Alright, Marcus. Any other stories? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A 50-year-old Colorado man has reportedly confessed to authorities that he attacked a pair of raccoons in a bid for revenge for the death of his cat years ago.

Oh, I love this. I love and respect this so much. I totally don't blame you. Fucking raccoons kill my cat. You know what? They'll spend the rest of my life killing raccoons. Killing raccoons. That's your version of taken.

I have a certain set of skills, and it's just like life killing raccoons. Killing raccoons. That's your version of taking. I have a certain set of skills and it's just like stomping raccoons. Yeah. Stealing random roast beef sandwiches. What do you think, Katie? Are you happy with this guy? You like this dude?

Yeah. I absolutely... You'd kill a couple of raccoons if they ate your favorite dog or cat? Yeah, they're fucking... I don't know where this guy's from, but in New York City... Colorado.

Oh, they're probably smaller in Colorado. In New York City, they, like, take over city blocks. Yeah, raccoons. Have you seen them? Oh, my God. We had a few hanging around here for a while. They're fucking gigantic.

I didn't know New York City had raccoons. Oh, we've got raccoons everywhere. You just don't see them. No, yeah, I never fucking saw a raccoon in goddamn New York City. If you go down to Brooklyn or up to the Bronx, they're waiting for you. No.

They're just trying to get in the zoo. Yeah. That's true. I just put it to Lima. Put me in the big show. Get me the big audiences. I'm sorry, Sierra, you're a raccoon and you're morbidly obese.

You're probably going to die soon. If you were a goat. You just ate four cigarettes. What are you talking about? You mean my appetizer? I'm going to eat a big diaper soon. I'll piss in it for you. I'm probably shitting it.

If it looks like a couch. Give me a shot. What do you think, Che? You're more scared of fucking raccoons or rats. What do you think, Che? You're more scared of fucking raccoons or rats? I'm telling you, man. I'm more scared

of rats than raccoons. Nah, man. Raccoons got claws, man. A raccoon will rip you the fuck off. But a fucking rat is not going to use his claws. He's going to use his mouth.

A raccoon? Rats work in claws, man. They ain't going to rip you apart. I guess so. I couldn't walk home one time because they were like on the block. Really? Yeah. because they were like on the block really?

in New York? yeah in Brooklyn New York sunset park I don't even know what that meant but I was offended man I was hurt for you Marie has literally offended the only two black people we allow on the show and it is

not good. Show them your tits, Marie. Do y'all want to see my nursing bra? Yeah, show Che your bra. I'm about to leave. She did it. She showed him her titties. Everything is fine. My areolas are gigantic.

What'd you think about her titties, Che? I thought they were pretty good. I still don't feel better. You can put them on ice. Yeah, that would be great. Put your titties on ice for me. Ice, ice, titty. Ice, ice, titty.

That's a good fucking song. Oh, that's amazing. Ice, ice, titty. I would be absolutely horrified. That's some fucking fresh writing right there. The freshest writer. Michael Che. Fresh Direct, that's my new name.

I got a truck, and I just come to your house, and I'll tell you a joke. Well, you keep this up, and you'll be driving one of those trucks in no time, Che. It's pretty sad. We'll get him a job. You'll get a job. You'll get a job. You got a job at Fresh Direct. Che, where are you working right now? You

running for SNL officially now? Yeah. Why are you sad about that? What's Lauren Michaels like? I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. No, it's fine. Don't be all white and sensitive. He's fine. He's got money. What's Lauren Michaels like? What's Lauren like? He's cool.

Nice guy? Very quiet. Is he quiet? He doesn't talk to you's lauren like he's cool nice guy very quiet he doesn't talk to you oh like he doesn't even know you exist no he knows you exist who's your favorite person talk to you who's your favorite person to write with on snl right now michael bryan michael bryan yeah is he on the show or is he just he's a cast member now oh he just got rehired up he's my favorite person that's a funny fucking dude right there. Oh, very fucking awesome. And how is the writing room process going? It's exciting. So you get in there tomorrow morning.

Oh, I guess you got Labor Day tomorrow. Labor Day. So you go in on Monday. Tuesday. And then you post the, well, I know, but usually. And then how does the pitch meetings go? Are they fun? I sort of won kind of an award in the Henry Zabrowski roast.

You did? I am talking to somebody who has a job on SNL. I read it. Henry Zabrowski roast was the redemption roast for me because I fucking

I destroyed you on that roast. Remember how bad I bombed with the Giannis roast? Yes, I did. You bombed really bad on the Giannis roast. That was fucking brutal.

That was clinically bad. Wait, wait, wait. Were you guys agreeing with me? Yeah. I was so excited. You were such a bright, shining star and then you just did nothing.

I did nothing. I was so glad Thomas Dell followed me. Oh, my God. I mean, that's the thing. You suck, and then you suck major dick.

Yeah, well, you know Marcus knows how to pick talent. I know who to put on the air. Those guys. Don't get emails about that show, by the way. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's get back together. Well, bring Thomas on over. But you're enjoying writing for SNL? Yes. It's whatever. It's fine. Okay.

They swore me to secrecy. I can't talk about it. Oh, I didn't realize you were sworn to secrecy. I can't talk about the Mexican children. The Mexican children? I've said too much. That's a rumor I heard that I'm glad was confirmed. Warehouse is full of the smartest Asians that you can chain to a desk.

That's all SNL is? Off the books children. These people aren't even statistics. These are kids that sold jokes in Somalia in order to live. Typical. That's how it works there. Because they have a lot of stand-ups on all those pirate cruises. That's right.

Well, 90 minutes of comedy and all the shoes you can wear. That's what we make. That's perfect. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. Back then. Well, hell, we're not done with the raccoons yet. The guy Richard Moeller, he told police he suffered a 10-minute

quote, glitch of anger on Monday. 10 minutes is a long fucking time. Is a glitch like a millisecond? Shit, motherfucker! That's a long time to be angry. Yeah, exactly. And if he was that angry, how did he keep such great track of time?

Yeah. It's 9.54. I'm done. This glitch is ending. I think I'm done now. I feel better. It's been 10 minutes. The glitch caused him to jump into a trash bin and use a piece of wood to hit the animals.

He also reportedly said to the officers that he did not intend to use the nails protruding from the board to stab them, but instead wanted to cause, quote, blunt force trauma. Yeah. I wish those nails weren't there because I want to fucking beat it to death. That's great. According to court records, Mueller told a witness during the attack that, quote, all raccoons must die. It's like an adult ball pit. You jump into

a dumpster full of raccoons and just start beating the fuck out of them. That must be a very joyous occasion. He killed one. He is one syllable away from being a full-blown racist. Oh, they desperately wanted to shorten it the whole article.

You bet. It's just a bunch of black people in a dumpster? All raccoons must die. Randy Jackson, coon hunter. I don't know why the show isn't getting picked up. Apparently some people are taking it differently than I intended. What is the fucking point of the coon? Why are black people called coons? Well, apparently white people don't like raccoons a lot.

We've been beating raccoons with boards since the ship started bringing the raccoons over here. Ah, yeah. Last time I was just annoyed by somebody, it was a raccoon. It ain't one dog. When you fit the bill, mister. I guess so.

All right, everybody, take a look over here at Coon Man. Oh, my God. You can't say that, Marcus. It's insensitive. It is insensitive. See, I thought he'd be smiling. He just killed a bunch of raccoons.

I think he would be happy. I know he only killed one raccoon, far below his... This is my question. All of them. It's a deal. But what's the crime? my question. All of them. It's a data. What is the... But what's the crime?

Yeah, who gives a fuck? It's a pest. Two counts of felony animal cruelty. They were living in a dumpster. They're fucking rogue raccoons. They killed his cats. Yeah, they killed his cats. And the person that...

One of his workers that he works with at the liquor store in Boulder said, he's a good person. I just hope that doesn't get missed in all this because he really is a good guy. Yeah, he kills all the raccoons in the neighborhood. It's a great thing to do. No one wants to kill these fucking stinky raccoons. That's a job that someone has.

I mean, should someone... Yeah, exactly. I don't think that he should have gotten arrested for this. Yeah, he shouldn't have, man. I think it's all in how you kill the raccoon. I think you're supposed to capture it and then poison it to death. Yeah. I think it's all in how you kill the raccoon. I think you're supposed to capture it and then poison it to death. Yeah. That's normal.

That's a nice way to do it. I think it's just beating it with a board. Bullshit. Why does this guy have a criminal record for animal cruelty? Animal cruelty is a sign

of a serial killer. This dude just wanted to kill, get some revenge because they fucking killed his cat, dived into a dumpster and killed some fucking raccoons. That's fine.

Is it illegal to step on a rat's face? Yeah, I was going to ask that. Is it illegal to kill on a rat's face? Yeah, I was going to ask that. Like, is it illegal to kill a rat? There was that story, Marcus. Maybe you can Google it where the dude threw a hamster against a rat. Yeah, exactly.

He was supposed to kill it. There was a guy who got like a year in jail for throwing a hamster against a fucking wall. I think we're being too sensitive. If it was a rat, they wouldn't care. He was charged with a felony here in New York City. Yeah. A New York City teenager has been...

Throwing his sister's hamster on the fucking wall. He's a felon now. Come on. Hamsters are paperweights that make noises. I knew a kid that put a hamster in the microwave and blew it up. Oh, really? That's a great thing to do to a hamster. Is he in jail yet?

No, just kidding. No, the microwave is totally fucked. He's from cancer. Oh, you hit 731. That's the last podcast story, Henry. But we're on the round table of gentlemen. Let me ask you guys, I think we've talked about this before, but is the term of Coon's age racist?

Is that racist? No, I don't think. I feel like I looked this up before. It's not. I've never heard that before. This is why I keep telling everyone. I don't know where Coon... It does actually refer to raccoons.

Yeah, you see that? It dates to the early 1800s and to the folk belief that raccoons... What you have to understand right now is I'm the best white male and I'm part of the best race. So I stay on top of all this information. What does that mean, a coon's age? I haven't seen you in a coon's age in quite a while. I've never heard that. Really?

It's a southern expression. I'm actually glad. I must have good white friends that I've never heard that term before. Your white friends haven't brought up the word coon when talking to you? Except you, Marcus. You do get the feeling when Marcus says it, it's like, yeah. It's his history, though. It is, yeah.

His eyes can figure. Yeah, he's excited to say it. Excited to say it. Goddamn Texans. Terrible people. Well, the world wouldn't go around without us. It would be fine. It would be completely fine.

We'd be okay, Mark. I know Mexicans would be happier. Yeah, a bunch of people. It doesn't matter. Texans are great people. Our Mexicans, they're pretty relaxed. Yeah, that whole drug cartel thing. That's what great people. Our Mexicans, they're pretty relaxed. Yeah, that whole drug cartel thing. That's what they fucking say about Mexicans, Henry.

All right, Marcus, let's get to it. Do we have time for one more story? We have time for one more story. All right. A dog meat vendor. A dog meat vendor. Working for a smuggling operation in China's Hunan province, has died after mistakenly shooting himself with a crossbow which fires poison darts,

the very same weapon his gang used to kill dogs. I love... Fuck this guy. I'm so happy he's dead. The man, identified by his last name, Liu, was allegedly demonstrating to his gang... That really narrows it down. Yeah, exactly. Well, he's one of two billion people.

Pup Lou. He was allegedly demonstrating to his gang the use of the toxic dart sometime in June, but unfortunately, the dart hit his leg, poisoning the man,

and he died on the way to the hospital. Henry, can you do this guy playing with the... Okay, all you have to do, you take off this safety rock, you make sure you have your crossbow dead, and round it up into the crossbow.

And then... I cannot believe. I cannot believe. I shot me. I shot me. I shot me with the person. Oh, what a mishap. A mishap.

What a mishap indeed. I feel like you started that accent off Asian, but you made it work. Again, this is the weirdest thing. It's just Henry. Thank you so much for having us. Oh, totally. Did y'all know that some Chinese people believe that eating dog meat dispels evil ghosts? Isn't that something?

Isn't that something? What ghosts aren't evil? That's plenty of good. Go, Casper. Henry, can you expel an evil ghost? That's it. Okay. I hope everybody enjoys their hot dogs.

Funny term I know. Because, as a matter of fact, what we are eating is dog meat hot dogs. Goodbye, evil ghosts. Can't handle the fact that I'm having a delicious meal here with my friends. Oh, goodbye, Eva Gus. Have fun.

Oh, it's delicious. Wow. Wow. You're sounding like Austin Powers. Oh, God. I have laughed more. Are you Mike Myers? I am not a rich little.

No, you're not. It's great. You're a very good impression. I thought it was dead on and, you know, most importantly, not racist at all. All right, Marcus. So we're done with stories? Yeah. All right.

So we have the reformed stories. You guys are going to play another song, right? I'm drunk. Do you want to do it? Yeah. No, no, we'll do it, yes. All right, so we'll edit this out. Or they can just set up and we won't have to edit it out.

Yeah, do some more bad radio. Hey, that's not a bonkers. We have a new song for you by the Burger Boys. It's called Go to the Go. You gotta go to the go to go there. You will have to go there. You have to go to the go. All right, I think they're ready.

Good job, Holden. Thank you. Wow, what a lead way into our song. Wow. That is just beautiful. Thank you. Wow. That's really lovely.

I appreciate it. Okay. This is a summertime song. This is a summertime song. I kind of want Holden to intro it. Well, I don't know. This is a summertime song. This is a summertime song. I kind of want the whole thing to intro it. Well, I don't know. I've got to explain a little.

It's a summertime song. It's all on you. It's about something. It's about a true story that happened to me really recently. Kind of traumatizing. And it's about my vagina. Okay. Here we go. Any commentary?

Yeah! For fun, I should fuck it with you. The new number. My vagina. Okay. Here we go. Any commentary? Yeah, for fun, I should fuck it with you. The new number, my vagina. Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. Can you come on tour with us? Yes, please. Really nice. Les Clipo would love that.

Yeah. Oh, God. We're so out of tune. Oh, my God, guys, are your ears bleeding? It's okay, we're going to be fine. Here we go. Do you want to tune that thing? Yeah, tune up. I blame Holden's voice for fucking making your guitars out of tune.

No doubt about that. It's really humid here. Absolutely. It's a humid room. It's a hot room. Yeah, I forgot to turn it to empty the dehumidifier today. Well, as they tune up, that was Henry Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Holdo McNeely. That's Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks, Ben Kissel.

Thank you so much for being here, Michael J. Freshest writer 2013. Freshest writer indeed. Round table of the year, 2011, 2012, 2013, question mark? I was on the Henry Zabrowski roast, which won, and so sort of a part of it. Right, right. No, no, everyone. Sort of a part of that award.

I don't think I've laughed that hard in an episode. That didn't pick up, did it? Michael Chase said he didn't think he's laughed very hard. Michael, say that into the microphone there, because you're a famous person, so we're going to want to have that there. This is probably the worst episode I've ever had. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Michael, say what you said before.

That's going to downgrade you for the three-time Ron Taylor of the year. I'm going to say that. You guys ready to rock? All right, the reformed whores, everybody. Ready? I'm a hairy Mary, like to let my shag leg fly feel a deep connection

to the caveman and his bushy thighs but it seems my pubic afro simply out of style so I thought it time to take the mustache off my sideways smile time to take your poon in for some downstairs grooming.

Didn't want nothing too crazy, a clean up's all I intended, so I found myself a waxer who came highly recommended. To my surprise, my new friend didn't speak a word of English, but I think in Russian she said, I make who there look distinguished.

She trusted Magda to be smart with her precious lady part. She said, Explain not that much, just take a little, but all of a sudden I feel a breeze right out my middle. She'd like to file a complaint about her newly hairless taint. Shed another strip of wax down and I knew I lost control, for the next thing I knew this lady had ripped me a new asshole She waxed me bare, left nothing where there'd been there moments ago I waddled out that fancy spa yelling fire down below Hope you learned your lesson, now you're looking prepubescent Oh yes I know Few days have come and gone since then. I'm still not quite the same.

Like my farts are louder now, but I've only myself to blame. Ladies and you gents out there, remember to watch your back next time you decide that you wanna get your body waxed. If you

prefer your lover bare, then you yourself should be prepared to get into that spot chair where they'll rip out all your pubic hair. That's why Katie's walking, honey. Reformed whores. All right, that's the round table this week. We'll talk to you soon. And stay tuned for one track from the Reformed Whores album. Ladies, don't spit.

Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. That's right. Little bit of porn and smoke from time to time But in this case I've been replaced And now I'm in a bind Because I need Your comfort Please Later in the night When I want a piece You tell me it's too late

It's already been released While your passion for the female form is manly and impressive. Watching girls get banged all day is just a tenet. Grandma once told you everything in moderation. She forgot to mention that includes ejaculation. Cause I need your comfort, please $300 a year I spend on prophylactics That's quite a lot when you seem to find sex anti-climactic

When I'm doing you and you're doing me But lately you've been doing you and I've been doing me What's wrong? Let's talk Maybe I don't satisfy your needs Cause I think it's quite unlikely Though you keep insisting That I'll become an Asian girl

Who wants a good fist And even though I am a gal I got needs too So if you can't perform for me I'll find somebody else to screw cause I need your cum I need some cum cause it'll burn that guy's cum you there on the guitar Hey, how you doing? I like them boots Yeah, they're real shiny I'd like to see them off

So I can smell them They're pleased