The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 161: Operation Hot Tub Dookie

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man shoots a monkey handler after said handler refuses said man to give said monkey drink wine, a man in England is busted for shampooing his genitals on the bus, and a 107 year-old man is killed in a shootout with a SWAT team.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Am I praying today? Can you turn him down? Yeah, turn Ben down. Why am I being shit on so much? I mean, we just started.

We're waiting for the show to start. Oh, I... Well, dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for being in our presence today. Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. That was snooty. I don't know. No, I don't know how to pray.

Oh, my God. We've been doing this for fucking three years. I don't know how to do it. Give it a take two. All right. Take two. Dear Beelzebub, thank you for your boobs. Take three.

That's better. It's better? It's all right. It's getting better. All right. Dear Beelzebub. Start from the ending. Oh, I see.

Amen. That's just the ending. And I really had a great time that summer. Right? That's good, okay? Yeah, that's fine. It's as good as it's going to get. Thank you, Ed.

All right. I've been this upset. Do you have to pray or something? Yeah, we pray every show. It doesn't matter. Okay, welcome to the round table of gentlemen. I prayed. That was technically a prayer.

Here, Beelzebub, have Ed not be so mean to me right now. Ben's upset. Ed's been being super mean to him. I haven't been being mean. Yeah, you have, Ben. When was I mean? Because I was trying to talk to you and you weren't responding to me. I didn't hear you. I wasn't paying attention.

Oh, bad girls club. What did you want? I wanted the beer. Well, I'm not going to get it for you. Amen. Alright, that's the round table prayer for this week. Then who is everybody around this round table? Jackie Zabrowski.

Man, I love it when you boys fight. You're like little fucking girly girls. It wasn't a fight. It wasn't a fight. It doesn't matter. I'm Ed Larson. And Ben Kissel's almost my friend. What happened to him?

He was sitting on beanbags. He was too fucking relaxed. I was so comfy. Right, right, right, right. Hold it, McNeely. I'm trying to be more likable. Your voice is bad. Not after that burrito you just ate.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Off to a horrible start. I'm Kevin Barnett. I'm chilling. Just a regular guy. And then I... I have friends. Yeah, you...

Well, you sent me a message over this past week that said I had very little friends, but that was insane, Kevin. Oh, no. I have a lot of friends. No, he's talking about the size of his friends, like Josh and Jermaine. They're very tiny. I'm talking about how Kissel has none.

Oh, you have little friends. Yeah, I know I have friends, but that's not true. I got six of them right here. Absolutely. Oh, God. I'll be a friend. Well, let's get to our first news story. What do you think about Ben? Oh, Ben's great. our first news story. Marcus, what do you think about Ben?

Oh, Ben's great. Thank you, Marcus. Kevin, what do you think about Ben? Oh, man, you don't want to hear that. That's great. Anything you want to say about your recent tour that you've been on? Nah, man. He's been back.

I just only went for one day. Interesting. It's a short tour. It's a short tour. It's a short tour. It's like a field trip tour. Ben and I are roommates, not friends. Marcus,

what's the news for the day? We've got an update on a previous story. It's an update on a story that we covered maybe a year or two ago.

Wow. The man who pleaded guilty to slashing nine women's buttocks with an X-Acto knife in Fairfax County, Virginia, will spend seven years in prison. Really? Amazing. You remember this story? Yeah, of course I remember it. It's insane. It wasn't

self-defense? No. It was like a serial butt-cutter. Yeah. Johnny Pimentel, a former day laborer, was sentenced to 20 years in prison Friday, but the judge suspended all but seven years of his sentence. Pimentel pleaded guilty in June to four counts

of malicious wounding and two counts of unlawful wounding. Pimentel was also given five years of probation, but it's likely he will be deported back to his native Peru.

Peru. I just don't get it, man. Seven years for cutting up some butts? I feel like it's too little. Yeah, exactly. I think it's too little also, man. Really?

Rule number one in life is don't fuck up the butt it's too little. Yeah, exactly. I think it's too little also, man. Really? Rule number one in life is don't fuck up the butt. That's right. Now, all these chicks got fucked up butts. What are they going to do with the rest of their lives? That's lifetime.

No, that's fine, though. It's like a hot dog. You know how you slice a hot dog so that if you put it in a microwave, it doesn't explode? Yeah. That's all he did. He was just giving it room to grow.

No, I mean, so you think these girls now have bigger butts because he was able to expand them? We should put them in a microwave. Put these women's butts in a microwave. Yeah, just the butts, though. Why couldn't you just do that in Peru? No butt is good with knife holes in it. You don't want a butt with knife holes in it.

That's horrible. I just wish my butt were good enough to be sliced. It would be good enough to be sliced. It's a fine little butt. No, it's too small. No one would ever want to slice it. It's not hot enough to be sliced, but you just... It's a fine little butt. No, it's too small. No one would ever want to slice it. It's not hot dog worthy. It's not too small, Jackie.

I'll slice up your butt. Man, thanks, Ed. Why is Ed so nice to Jackie and so mean to me? But no, I agree. I mean, this man ruined a bunch of butts. Now you can't spank these women. They have trauma. Authorities say he targeted women at malls and shopping centers throughout the county

and distracted his victims, usually by knocking over clothing, before slashing the victims with an X-Acto knife. And this guy operated from February in 2011 until July. That's a good run. This is why you can't help anybody out. He worked the way a raccoon works, you know? Indeed. Knocking over trash and clothes and shit, and then it bites you in your ass.

And then it bites you with it, and then it grabs you with its tiny hands. And then you cum all over the raccoon. I don't. No? No. Okay. Too small of a mouth. Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, man, do you hear about that old guy who had a pet raccoon in, I think, Tennessee? Yeah. He did a great little video of him dancing with his pet raccoon. Yeah. And then the Tennessee Wildlife Authority went in and took his raccoon away. Why? Because they say you're not allowed to have a raccoon as a pet.

In Tennessee. Well, how does Honey Boo Boo still with her parents? I mean, that's insane. That's a funny thing you just said. Thank you, Kevin. Now, Kevin was just on tour with Dave Chappelle and Flight of the Conchords, so it's good to get his approval. But on tour, you mean one day, right?

I did one day. One day, but that's a long time. Was it the one that he stepped off? I was there for that one, too. That crowd was terrible. But recently, I did one day. That was last week. Allegedly, I may have came back to New York for a couple days.

I'm done with it, man. I'm not doing it anymore. What happened to you, Kevin? I've fallen off, man. What's going on it anymore. What happened to you, Kevin? I'm falling off, man. What's going on? I feel like there's a depressed presence around you. Two weeks ago, you were huge. Yeah, no, no.

But now it's all over, man. It's all done. Some very interesting things happened last night, though. I got back from, we did the show, and I got back at like 2 in the morning, and I was going to go meet some people, but I was like, man, it's 2 in the morning. And then I was like, all right, well, I'm going to walk around my neighborhood, because I was already drunk. I go in this bar, and I was about to just go in the bathroom and just leave, but I was like, man, it's 2 in the morning. And then I was like, alright, well, I'm going to walk around my neighborhood because I was already drunk. I go in this bar and I was about to just go in the bathroom and just leave, but then I get to the

bottom of the stairs. Dude's just getting blown in the hallway. In the hallway, just in the foot of the stairs. Did you see his dick? I just saw it there. There was a lady just crouched down. Oh, I thought you meant that they said dudes. No, this chick was just blowing this dude in the hallway

in front of the bathroom. Not even in the this dude in the hallway in front of the bathroom. Not even in the bathroom at all. Just in front of the bathroom at the foot of the stairs. I go in the bathroom and there's this Puerto Rican dude in there. I walk in.

I'm like, man, this is Bushwick. I was like, man, apparently people are just getting blown in the hallways nowadays. He's like, nah, man, you don't understand, man. Brooklyn born to race, man.

Puerto Rico, man. That's what we do. That's what we do, man. Brooklyn born to race. I was like, nah, man, people just getting blown in the hallways. Like, nah, man, you know, man, fucking Puerto Rico, man. That's what we do that's what we do man brooklyn born and raised i was like nah man people just getting blown in the hallways like nah man no man fucking puerto rico man that's what we do man puerto rico but then he walks outside he comes back in 20 seconds later he's like man people getting blown in the hallway that's hilarious blown in the hallway fucked in the bathroom and

birthed in the stall isn't that the lifestyle That is the life cycle of a native Brooklynite. You're giving raccoons a hard time in Tennessee. Yeah, exactly. Was it an attractive-looking, good-looking blowjob? No, it looked like she knew what she was doing. Completely knees compressed. She was down there, man. And he was a big, fat, ugly man.

He was a regular-looking dude. But you haven't gotten blown in quite a while. Oh, no. People have been nice to me. Oh, okay. Good for you. So wait, fat, ugly man. He was a regular looking dude. But you haven't gotten blown in quite a while. Oh, no. People have been nice to me. Oh, okay. Good for you. So wait, real quick too. When you left, were they still going at it?

Oh, yeah, yeah. They were still having it. Okay. I stood there for a second. Yeah. Because you got to. What was the guy doing? Tell my Instagram.

He was looking down at her. Her back was against the wall. She was completely crouched down. And he was just looking down at her with one hand on the wall. And I was happy for him in that moment. I was inspired. I stayed out. I was just going to go home.

That's great. And I stayed out because of that. Wow. A true testament. Oh, yeah, man. Nobody talked to me. You ever blowjob in a hallway, anything like that? No, not in a hallway.

Public blowjobs. I don't like the public sex. I love it. Some girls, you like public sex? I hate it. Love it. I've been blown in. I'm usually too drunk when I get home.

Yeah, that's true. So you've got to get a mid-bar. I've been blown in a taxi cab. Nice. I've had that one time. Blown on a train, blown in the bathroom, blown in the theater. Wow. Oh, blown in the theater is good.

You were blown on the train? Yeah. In front of everybody. No, it was the Long Island Railroad You were blown on the train? Yeah. In front of everybody. No, it was played at Long Island Railroad. And it was a woman doing it. It was a full-grown woman. And you were with her. It was like one of those risky business scenes.

I knew her and everything. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. I never met her. But, I mean, how can you come? I mean, the ticket taker's going to run. Yeah, you can't come.

I just got blown for a while, and I was like, I'm not going to come. I didn't come. That's what I'm saying. That's why it's not that fun. This is where I get off. I would bet the guy getting blown in the hallway did not come. Oh, no, I'm certain of it. I didn't come in the cab either, and I just, the whole time I took it, I just felt so bad

for the cabbie, you know? Yeah, it's disgusting. Fuck these fucking dudes. What was the sounds you were making? This dude and this girl. This dude and this girl. And he just saw you. He said dudes. I heard dudes. Yeah, I you were making? This dude and this girl. And he just saw your fucking... I heard dudes. Yeah, I said dudes,

but it was also a woman. It was also a woman of unknown age. You didn't know how old she was. No, she was old, though. She was old. She wasn't young. Old like 50? No, no, no. Old like 12. Old like 15? No, I know old like 12.

Yeah. She was old enough to go to a store and buy something and they wouldn't be like, oh, no. Old like 12. Old like 15? No, I know old like 12. Yeah. She was old enough to go to a store and buy something and they wouldn't be like, oh, where's your parents? Eight. That's eight years old. Anyone can buy something from a store. Jackie, when you blew or fucked people in public, did they come? Did they end up finishing? No, you can't. Okay.

I've come in public. You didn't come on the train. When did you come in public? I came into the Annex Theater. You just jacked off there? No, no, no. I got blown. Things like that. I feel like that's not really public.

That's public? What do you mean that's not public? No, I'm talking like if you have people walking by you, yeah, you can't come. People are sitting right in front of you that paid $13 for a movie theater ticket. No, no, no. You're blowing it, dude.

No, no, no. It was a theater, like a performance theater. Yeah, an FSU. Oh, okay. Yeah. And I was the main attraction. I'm sure. This is during a show or it was empty?

Oh, yeah, it was during rehearsals. Rehearsals? What? For what? I was there. Here comes the goo, surprisingly enough. Yeah, I was there. So there was a murder fish show you guys were rehearsing here comes the goo and you had a chick blow you and did you say here comes the goo when you ejaculated wasn't that clever back then

yeah yeah or that disgusted i was like you were listening to me like rehearse scenes while you were getting blown and coming yeah I guess I wasn't really paying attention to what you were doing right yeah I was busy getting blown you know

not trying to think about your turkey neck Marcus and how about yourself just to round it out you got blown in public and you fucked a bunch of people in public

yeah and then you come every time no I never come in public I fucked in a bathroom do the woods count like no that's not public that's more than private that's secluded yeah but that's fun though but if it's I've fucked him. No, I've never come in public. I've fucked in a bathroom. Do the woods count? No, that's not public.

That's more than private. That's secluded, yeah. Yeah, but that's fun, though. But what if it's in the woods just off of the trail? No. Then you're a serial killer. Yeah. You're a psychopath.

How did you ever convince a woman to get off the trail with you in the woods? No, he found her off the trail. Oh, right, right, right. He wasn't alive, yeah. Where am I? Who are this? What is this? Get me home. Yeah, I'll get you home.

Sure, sure. Wait. What accent was that? I'll get you. It was an interesting one. I was just scared girl, eh? Yeah. So just a bathroom, Marcus,

or any other public place? A restaurant, maybe? Nope, just a bathroom at a karaoke joint. Were you in Bushwick last night by any chance? Hanging out in the hallway? No. Nope. Nope.

Okay. You didn't see Kevin walking into the bathroom? Nothing like that? Nope. It was an exciting evening, man. I know. I got blown on a park bench and then one time on a construction vehicle of some sort. I got blown on a rooftop once.

Yeah. Okay. A balcony. That was cool. and then one time on a construction vehicle of some sort. I got blown on a rooftop once. A balcony. One time I showed it to some girls at a ballet school. Let's move on to a news story. Let's just do that before Holden incriminates himself and sends himself to prison to hang out with a butt slasher. All right, Marcus, let's go to our news story. A man from Quebec is facing charges after he allegedly filled his estranged wife's hot tub

with manure after being served with divorce papers. I think it's fun. Shit tub. Shit tub is great. It's very similar to what McFly did to Biff at the end of Ever Back to the Future. I hate manure. Yeah.

I feel like I would get in it just to spite him. Sure. You know? Think about that now, though. Like, at this point, Biff saying I hate manure is completely unnecessary.

We know it. Manure all over their face and car. You seem to love it. You're always surrounded by it. Jackie, you're just going to dive right in there? Well, I feel like especially if it's the kind of manure, or is that just soil?

You know when they've got the... No, it's shit. Manure with like straw mixed in? Yeah, right? I mean, that's generally what's accepted as manure. But is there like the fertilizer little beads? I don't think it's the fertilizer beads. I think it's the straw stuff.

It's just the shit. Yeah, but the straw is definitely exfoliating. Right. I think shit is actually good for your skin. I don't know if that's true. I don't know if that is true. See, I like the smell of manure. There's so much shit in whose shit.

That is true. Yeah, that's true. Marcus, you like the smell of manure? Yeah, it reminds me of home. Once again, Marcus is from Texas. That's interesting. Usually the smell of shit reminds me of the G train, but, you is from Texas. That's interesting. Usually the smell of shit reminds me of the G train,

but you know, whatever. No, it's just certain kinds. It's more, mostly horse and cow manure. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Horse manure is great. I hate that. But like you, when I lived, we used to spend like hours and hours and hours every day just shoveling manure.

It'd be like a pile, eight feet tall. Where were you at? Were you singing fucking spirituals when you feet tall. Where were you at? Were you singing fucking spirituals when you did this? What were you doing? When were you

shoveling manure? This is the first time you've ever mentioned shoveling shit. Times have changed. Yeah, exactly. Are you 98 years old? I've been to a lot of places

and lived a lot of different lives. Was this in Jamaica? No, man. This sounds like a Jamaica thing. This is Florida, man. We lived on some land. We moved out. And when I got to high school, we moved to this spot.

And we had like five acres. But we didn't have like off of insurance money because our house in Florida burned down. And we didn't really have. What is going on? The washing machine blew up. Really? Yeah. I think I've told y'all about this before.

I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I did. Sounds like white people arson. Did you guys lose all your stuff? Here's the thing. My dad is a smart dude. Put a bunch of dynamite in the dryer. Yeah, we had like a whatever house in Miami.

Shit burned down. All of a sudden, swag, swag. All types of insurance money. We got this badass house on five acres in Palm Beach, turnt up. We're in there. But the only thing was, we didn't have,

you know, you had that type of land. You gotta have people to work the land, but they didn't have money to get people to work the land. That's what the children are for. Yeah, exactly.

So every Saturday and Sunday, talking about like from like seven, eight in the morning until seven, eight, nine at night, just straight up shoveling, just like... Dookie rounds. Fucks, yeah.

How many cows do you have? Huh. How many cows do you have? How many cows do you have? They just get it delivered. Truckloads of horse manure delivered to the house. And I'm sitting there shoveling it with a wheelbarrow. Dropping it in a wheelbarrow. Carrying it across the yard. Sometimes I'd get caught on something and the shit would fall over on me. You ever fall into the wheelbarrow and shit?

It's one of those things where like you're working so much and you just start laughing. Yeah. You just shoveling shit. And you just start laughing. You had shit fights with your brothers? Yo, I was going fucking insane. Dude, I was crazy as fuck.

So you spent 24 hours every week shoveling shit for how long? Dude, the entire, like the entire, my high school career, man. That's what I did. High school? That's how you spent high school? Yeah, maybe you did mention that episode, hundreds of episodes ago. Yeah, yeah. No, I feel like occasionally I'll be like weird here and there.

People are like, oh, Kevin's kind of crazy. But back then I was a fucking lunatic, man. You know how much hours I'm spending by myself just shoveling shit. Calf deep and dinky. Literally, yeah. Just I'm spending by myself just shoveling shit. Calf deep in dookie. Literally, yeah. I'm in it. I'm in it. Two hours into the day, you're literally just inside shit, and you're shoveling more shit

into a pile of shit to carry to another pile of shit. I must have a good mood system. I get sick a lot, man. It was bad. So, I mean, what's this guy getting charged with? Is it really illegal to fill up your ex-wife's hot tub with dookie? I believe it is on Tuesday morning. I believe it is.

On Tuesday morning. Fuck, I gotta go make a phone call. You got a delivery coming to somebody? Yeah, I gotta stop. Abort Operation Hot Tub Dookie. On Tuesday morning, Quebec Provincial Police... Operation Hot Tub Dookie is going to be huge. Yeah. They were called to a house in the small town of Saint-Amalie-des-Alons-Y,

located about... Yeah. Quebec, French. Located about an hour and a half north of Montreal, after receiving a mischief complaint, said Soret du Quebec Sergeant André-Anne Belladeau. On site, the officer saw a man with a tractor placing manure in the spa or the hot tub of his ex-wife and at the front door. The man allegedly refused to

stop in order to buy police and then tried to take off on the tractor. Police soon caught up with him. He was arrested within minutes. One police officer was injured. From what Belladeau heard, it was only a minor injury. He was a retired police officer, this guy. 64 years old. Oh, very interesting. What'd you say?

He's a retarded police officer? Retired. Retired. I was like, what? They made him retire because he was retired. He's different. He's facing four charges, including hit and run and assaulting a police officer.

So those are the two main charges, not the shit on the steps or in the hot tub. Yeah, I'd imagine that's mischief. That's criminal mischief. Right, so the prison time will come from the- Destruction of property, probably. Yeah. I mean, you know, it's not so bad. It's not so-

I don't think- I feel like shit in the hot tub is a great ex-husband prank. I think you should be allowed to do it. She probably deserves it. Maybe. You know, he bought the hot tub. Sure, he bought the hot tub. Let's say he did.

Out of all the violent things men have done, this is a relatively comical way of getting back at your ex-wife. I'm certain I've seen similar things on Problem Child. Oh, yeah, exactly. And there was no repercussions for that at all. Except there was no zany music behind the track. We were talking about this

the other day. There were no repercussions to the horrible, like, murderous crimes that that child committed in Problem Child. Oh, he was totally fine. So many things.

He was totally fine. He was locked up, man. Kramer was the one who got punished. They should have gotten rid of that kid. He was awful. I would have found a way to kill that kid

Yeah he deserved to die You ever see Problem Child? Wonderful motion picture Oh man there's three of them And he is bad in all three And he gets worse and worse and worse He doesn't get better at all It's so crazy

Watching it as a kid I'm like this kid's the fucking man He's awesome Watching it now I'm like Well he needs to be disciplined He's got a bad father at home His mother doesn't love him He just wanted attention Saman Awesome. Watching that, I'm like, well, he needs to be disciplined. He's got a bad father at home. His mother doesn't love him.

He just wanted attention, Saman. He was straight hanging out with a serial killer played by, what's the name of the guy who plays Michael Richards? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was insane. The kid was a total sociopath. He was a child, and basically he did zany, really terrible, murderous things. I think he put his mother or his stepmother in a suitcase

and put her in the back of a trunk at some point. Something like that. Some wild things. He threw her off the side of the highway. Playing with knives all the time. It's not right. He hit a kid with a frying pan. That's illegal. That's illegal. Much worse. And then Lucy, the snobby birthday girl,

bans him from the magic show. Oh, she shouldn't have done that. Man, remember when he put all the presents in the water fountain? But I think that's funny. Oh, my God. But that's the presents in the water fountain. And she was a fucking cunt. She was a cunt.

She was. Everyone agrees with that. Everyone agrees. I still don't like that girl. Yeah. Simone, you got to catch up on your 1994 children's movies. A Problem Child Marathon. What channel is this on?

Oh, it was called Problem... It's a movie. It's a movie, Problem Child 1, Problem Child 2, and Problem Child 3. And he just gets worse

and worse and worse and it all turns into an episode of Locked Up Raw on MSNBC. First one's got John Ritter. John Ritter. And Gilbert Gottfried.

Remember, he plays the adoption agent, right? That's right. And Jack Warden. That's right, Jack Warden. Yeah, he's fantastic. From Dirty Work. Yeah.

He's amazing. I've seen the first one with John Ritter. You're right. Yeah. You've seen it. You've seen it. Yeah, I didn't know there was a second and third one. Yeah, yeah.

You probably outgrew him. But that's fine. Nonetheless, this guy with the poo-poo. The third one's, you know, not that good. We're talking about this fucking game. Problem Child's great, Holden. That's the thing you gotta understand, man. You might try to deny it, but man, Problem Child is a part of us all.

It was. I'm amazed at how much I know about it. Honestly, I saw it in the theater with my dad. I have actually a very vivid memory of watching that movie. I think that's the funniest part about it. I remember he hated it. I fucking loved it. I wanted to be Problem Child.

Of course. That's why he hated it. I fucking loved it. I wanted to be Problem Child. Of course. That's why he hated it. Problem Child 3, Junior in Love, is a made-for-TV sequel and is the third and final entry in the Problem Child trilogy. Oh, okay. Okay. Junior is a preteen and is in love with a girl named Tiffany. Ew.

I bet that kid just got uglier and uglier. Oh, my God. A monster. He was ugly. Is he dead? Demon child. Actually, it's better, but let's find out

what's the name of the lead actor from Problem Child. Let's figure out where he's at now. The funniest and most beautiful and perfect, accurate thing in the world

is if he just died because his heart exploded. It'd be great. It'd be great if he had a problem heart. That's a whole other show. Problem heart. I love the cover of it.

It's like the problem child putting a cat into a washing machine, and the parents are just like, uh-oh. No. That's what Jeffrey Dahmer did. He's going to kill that cat. That's a fucking serial killer move. It's a very serious situation that requires your son to seek a lot of counseling. Oh, man.

Michael Oliver. And what's he up to now? He was in Problem Child, Problem Child 2. Didn't make the TV movie? No, he didn't make the TV movie. He was in an episode of Platypus Man. Oh, I loved Platypus Man. What is Platypus Man?

It was about a dude with a bill that laid eggs, and he fucking... I don't know what else. I mean, you could have said anything. You'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah. Of course, Platypus Man. He laid eggs and he fucking I don't know. I mean, you could have said anything. Oh, yeah. It's a zany sitcom about the host of a cookery show who equates all of life's

woes, specifically his own ineffectual relationships with women with a problem of cooking dishes. Why is it called Platypus Man? Why is it called Platypus Man? With 13 episodes Oh Richard Jenny Oh yeah Richard Jenny I think this is why

Richard Jenny Fucking put a bullet In his brain That's right He committed suicide One could argue It's because he was Hanging out with the problem child

And doing a TV show Called Platypus Man Did he do anything else Besides Platypus Man? The last thing he did Was in 1995 He was Walrus Child

He was in a. Walrus Child. He was in a movie called Dillinger and Capone with F. Murray Abraham and Martin Sheen. Wow. Oh, okay. And is he still alive? Yeah. Yeah, he's still alive. All right.

Let's go kill him. In 1995, Martin Sheen played Al Capone? Yes. That's weird. All right. It was Al Capone. Let. That's weird. All right. It was an Al Capone. Let's get to actual news. Yeah, yeah.

No, I like sitting on Problem Child for a second, but yeah, I feel like we've covered Problem Child about enough, so that answers it. For all of our audience members listening at home, I know you guys have been thinking a lot about what happened to the star of Problem Child. Where is he at now? And we're just happy to answer all your questions here

on the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I feel like from here on out every week we should have a Problem Child segment. That's right. We can get his phone number. I bet we can. I'm sure we can get him on Facebook. It's listed. Oh, definitely.

Yeah, Michael Oliver. Does anyone out there know Michael Oliver? We'll find him. We'll find him. All right, Marcus, let's get to another story that doesn't involve a problem child. Oh, God, he's hideous. Let me see. All right, let's just take one look at him. We'll find him. All right, Marcus, let's get to another story that doesn't involve a problem child. Oh, God, he's hideous. Let me see. All right, let's just take one look at him.

Oh, not great. All right. He looks exactly like the character. What a fucking meth head. It is funny because that's exactly the way the character that he portrayed in Problem Child looks like when he grows up. Like, that's a perfect, you know, he looks like he's missing some teeth. He's got a goatee, a backwards hat, and it looks like he's spent some time in the pokey.

It must be fun beating the shit out of him. Well, he was a nice, great memory, Ted. He's not a kid anymore, Ed. Why are you so mean to him, Ed? All right, let's just do a news story. He's like two years younger than us. Or two years older than us. Guy's like 32.

Oh, okay. All right, monkey news. Let's do monkey news. Shine, my monkey. Monkey news, monkey news. Sorry, I was going to say. Here's a follow-up. I was actually the age that he thought I was two years younger than.

Yeah, yeah. No, I'm 32. I misspoke. I misspoke. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh, give me bananas. What's going on?

Eddie does that for Monkey Nose. Eddie loves Monkey Nose. I do love Monkey Nose. That's the little bumpy play. Cool. Except for monkey news. Eddie loves monkey news. I do love monkeys. That's the little bumpy play.

Cool. A porter at New Delhi Railway Station was arrested for murdering a monkey handler in the early hours inside the station premises because, according to him, quote, monkeys have the right to drink wine. On the night of August 14th,

Ram Babu was near the Amjari Gate looking for alcohol. When Irfan arrived there with his two monkeys, the two decided to have drinks together. After a while, Ram Babu started serving liquor to Irfan's monkeys. Irfan objected and a scuffle broke out during which Ram Babu hit him on the head with a brick, then panicked and ran away. Like a monkey. Ram Babu's the monkey? Interesting.

Ram Babu's the monkey or the owner? Ram Babu was the guy. He's the murderer. Yeah, he's the murderer. He's the guy or the owner of the which one Ron Babu was the guy he's the murderer he's the guy who was giving the monkeys liquor the monkey owners didn't want his monkeys to have liquor

but Ron Babu said who the fuck are you to say that I can't give your monkey liquor sure I'm gonna get you in the fucking brick

brick yeah and run away now these fucking orphan monkeys drunk on the streets. Wasted. Having a great time. Probably having a great time.

Probably going to Thailand. Getting a fucking car. Getting drunk and shit. What's the name of the monkey in Aladdin? Oh, I don't even know. Abu. Abu the monkey.

Okay, see, I thought he was maybe the monkey, but in a person's body. Ed, you should tell us that insanely racist joke about the monkey that you told us. Oh, do you have a racist joke, Ed?

I mean, it's not meant to be. I want to hear it! Eddie, look, no, this is important. Eddie, okay, well, we're going to play a game. Number one, the name of this. Come on, man, I'm open-minded. I don't know, it's not even you, it's America. Let's just do the thing.

So, number one, they start off with a staring contest between Kevin and Ed. And number two, Kevin will love the joke. I'll tell him as soon as the podcast is over. You can't tell the joke in the middle of the way.

You want to hear the joke, direct message me. I'll call you. How bad is the joke, Eddie? It is pretty bad. It's bad. All right, we'll do it in a character.

Is there a character? Can we do it in a character? Can all of us take a line from the joke and do it? No. We could all sing hymns. How bad could the joke be? The joke is very bad. I brought it up as a joke.

You should not tell the joke. What if Kevin tells the joke? They still go, no, it came from Ed. Would you mind telling it? All right. Apparently no one wants The untouchable joke God, I'm excited Oh, I can't wait to hear this joke

Yeah, I know Dude, honestly, it's so funny We'll let people sit on it I never heard it either So I can't wait to hear it After the recording So you'll have to direct message Ed If you really want to hear it

Hey, man, race jokes are funny, man You know what we could do? We could, Eddie could just tell the joke, I could cut it out of the broadcast and then we can continue the show.

What good does that do? I don't know. It also sounds very unsafe. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not saying the joke into a microphone. Interesting.

All right, well, that's a record upon itself. What if you forget to cut it out? Wait, did you come up with the joke? No, no, it was told to me by someone else. Interesting. Alright, well that's a record upon itself. Wait, did you come up with the joke? No, no, it was told to me by someone else. Who told you the joke? One of the writers on The Bird. It's like a street joke type of thing? Oh, I know a joke. He's a real old man

who told you the joke. I know the joke. It's a very racist joke. There's a bunch of them. There's a bunch of them. No, it's not that bad. It's just an old man racist joke. It's a bunch of them. Isn't that bad? No, it's not bad. It's just an old man racist joke.

It's pretty bad. I remember like in high school, man, the back of the bus was, uh, there was one or two of every race. I knew somebody

was going to think that, but no. It was one or two of every race. There was like me, a Colombian dude, a white dude, and then this Haitian dude.

So you were a setup for a joke. No, it would just be racist as shit. They had some of the best street jokes I've ever heard. I don't know where they got these from. One dude comes up to me and he's like, so all right, what's the difference between black people and snow tires? I was like, what?

He's like, snow tires don't start singing when you throw chains on them. I was like, God damn. I love that joke. That's a funny joke. It's funny. You can't say it's not funny. But that was just equal racism, man. Everybody was going back and forth

to each other. It was dope. Snow tires don't start singing when you throw chains on them. Don't say that joke. One that's more offensive. One that's even more offensive you definitely should never say.

This is probably my favorite one. It's a little simpler, but it's just like, all right, what did the nigger get on his SATs? What? Watermelon juice. But that's important to have your omega-3s up while taking a test. The funniest thing is, I could translate that joke for my own personal, like what did Ben

get in his ACTs, which is a bunch of chocolate donut stains, because that's what I did. Yeah, but that's not racist. No, it's not racist, but I'm just saying. That's just sad. It's just pathetic. I got a 17. Nonetheless, it was a good score, because I was drunk. What'd you get?

17, but I ended up with a 19. I got a 19. How do SATs end? On the ACTs? ACTs. Yeah, 19 on my ACTs. Yeah, ACTs. The high score is a 36. That's not bad, though. Yeah, and then I got a 19. I got a 19. How about SATs? On the ACTs? ACTs. Yeah, 19 on my ACTs. Yeah, ACTs. The high score is a 36.

That's not bad, though. Yeah, and then I got a 19. I got a 32. Wow. But technically, I'm smarter than you, Marcus. I didn't take the ACTs. No, that's not true.

No, I didn't take them. What did you take? I took the SATs. SATs. How'd you do? I got a 1,000. Is that good? No, not really.

I got a 1240 or 1260. And what did you get, KB? A 12-something. 12-something, and that's good. And Jackie, you got something good? Yeah. What was it? 16, right?

Dude, a 16? No, I got 1560. And the max thing is 16. The max is 16. Yeah, the max is 16. Oh, Jackie is smart. Jackie is very smart. Yeah, old Keith Whitener got a 1540, I think, on his SATs.

Genius Keith. I did really good at math, but I couldn't... I'm a very, very bad reader, as you could probably come as a huge surprise to everybody. Yeah, but the racist jokes you tell are super... Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got those are etched in. But, yeah, I couldn't read fast enough to get to the end of the stories to answer the questions. You should have asked for extra time.

I think I was nearly perfect on my reading and I just didn't do shit. I got nothing on math. None of this math involves how much shit can I shovel in an eight-hour day without my father yelling at me. No, wait. I got a 28. 32 is the highest you can get.

There you go. It was a 28. 32 is the highest you can get. There you go. It was four below. Very good. Very good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. And I did not apply for college. Well, I'm sure you did.

Put his arms up. He put his arms up. He was so proud of himself. So proud of himself. And Keith, who Holden mentioned, was on Jeopardy, and he was one of the grand champions. He won thousands and thousands of dollars. He made it to the final, like, whatever tournament of champions. He won thousands and thousands of dollars. He made it to the final tournament of champions. He made a couple hundred thousand dollars on Jeopardy.

We're still on monkey news, I believe. Is there anything else with this monkey news story? That's all we got, man. Just a man drinking with a monkey. So what do you think? Should he have been able to get this monkey drunk? I think the monkeys can be drunk. If it's not your monkey,

you have no right to get the monkey drunk. Okay, I think that that can be drunk. If it's not your monkey, you have no right to get the monkey drunk. Okay, I think that that's a fine statement. However, out of all the animal species, dogs, cats, donkeys, I think monkeys should be allowed to drink before all of them. They're the closest thing they are to us. In fact, monkeys have the right. Monkeys can make decisions for themselves. Literally today, and because of what happened last night, I watched a couple of videos of

monkeys blowing each other. It was fascinating. All right. What? Apparently, yeah. What? Go back. How many videos did you watch?

Listen, man, I was excited about the whole situation, so I can't really tell you. Was this after? This was today. Oh, it was today? So last night you watched a dude get blown in the hallway. Yeah. And you went home and researched monkeys blowing each other. Instead of going and finding a woman to blow you.

No, no, no, no. Was there any sexual arousal? I'm watching a monkey getting blown right now. Is there any? Well, I guess I'll look at this. It's loving it. It's actually extremely similar to the way that man in the hallway looked while getting blown. The monkey is sort of like disconnected, looking away, just being like, yeah, you blow me.

I wonder if she uses teeth. She's so gentle, though. Yeah. Do people jack off to monkeys blowing other monkeys? People jack off to everything. This thing has two million views. Yeah, so you know at least 500,000 of those are people jacking off. Someone had to.

And it's not the only monkey blowjob video out there. Oh, this monkey's blowing a banana. Yeah. Oh, wait, no. He took a banana as payment for a blowjob. He's just eating a banana. I'm not really sure what. He's just eating the banana.

You guys are making this seem far grosser than it should be. It's a monkey eating a banana. Well, it says monkey blowjob on the title. Only got 25,000 hits. Yeah, so it's not good. Just get rid of it. I mean, what's going on later on? He's just asking for more bananas.

He's just eating a banana. Why are you watching this like it's a sexual thing? Don't fall for it. More bananas. Is this what you did all day today, Kevin? Yeah, I did a lot of this today, man. Eat that banana. It was a good day.

Oh, there you go. Boy, that monkey. Oh, yeah, I know. He's beaten up. That monkey's beaten up. Oh, see, I'm glad we watched all of it. All right, well, the monkey doesn't eat a banana. All right, what's the name of that?

That is Monkey Blowjob. That is a monkey blowing himself. Find that on YouTube. And be sure to go to the one with 25,000 hits. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The monkey just ends up. It's far better. Jack it off there.

And it starts with a monkey. All right, stop the fucking video, Marcus. You're starting to get hard. I'm done with it. This monkey's having it. He just creeps all over himself. Marcus, turn off the video. Turn the video off.

Don't tell me what to do. Please. That's not your monkey, sir. Oh, man. Oh, my God. All right, move on. All right, monkey news. He's done now.

Ed, can you close out monkey news? He's so embarrassed that his ass is red. Yeah. Well, I'm not sure if that's a sign of embarrassment. No, I'm impressed. I didn't know. I had no idea. Yeah.

All right, so that's monkey news. You didn't know that monkeys beat off? No. Oh, Jackie, that's not true. You knew monkeys fucking beat off. I did not know that. Really? I know babies beat off.

Wow, do you know all living creatures beat off? Babies don't beat off. Yeah, well, little boy, yeah, they rub themselves until they get all hard and they don't understand what it is and then you play with yourself. You're going to have to shut this down because I'm getting fucking insanely aroused. All right. Before holding fucking spurts all over the goddamn place, let's just move on outside of monkey news. That was great.

Yeah, wasn't that great? Hell yeah. Let's pat ourselves on the back for that one. We did a terrible job. That was awful. That was awesome. You did really great with that. A man who police said

was 107 years old was killed in a confrontation with SWAT officers on Saturday night. I find that so funny. All right, Eddie, what do you find most funny about it?

The fact that the fucking SWAT came in and blew away a 107-year-old man. Well, someone had to do it. He set him up like a fucking Christmas tree. Yeah, that is true.

He made a 107-year-old to get fucking annihilated by a SWAT team. That's the best way to go at 107. I mean, that's not so bad. What do you do wrong? Police were called to a home in Pine Bluff, Arkansas where suspect Monroe Isidore was. When they arrived, they were able to

determine that an aggravated assault had occurred against two people in the residence. The two victims were let out of the house. It was not clear what role the suspect had in the aggravated assaults or what they were. When officers approached a bedroom where Isidore was hiding, he fired through the door. None of the police officers

was hit by the gunfire. They retreated to a safer area and called for additional help including SWAT officers who started negotiating with the subject, with a suspect. SWAT officers slipped a camera into the room where Isidore was holed up and saw he was armed with a handgun. After unsuccessful... He's 107 years old

and they put a machine in the room. He thought it was War of the Worlds. I mean, he thought it was like you know what I'm saying? I mean, you're 107 and a fucking robot comes into your room? I'm shooting too! Are you kidding me? They didn't even have a polygraph when he was fucking 25 years old. They were using

SOS to communicate! All of a sudden, a fucking machine rolls into his room? I'll pop the fuck out of that thing! He remembers when someone's like, hey, this is called an airplane. Yeah, exactly. Oh, that's never going to take off. Ah, those dumb Wright brothers, they're fucking delusional liberals.

That's never going to happen. After unsuccessful negotiations, officers slipped gas into the room through a window. He's 107. Yeah, he's got plenty of his own gas. He slipped the gas into the window where he fired rounds at them. The officers broke the bedroom door and hurled in a distraction device, and Isidore fired at them again. Officers returned fire, killing him.

What's a distraction device for a 107-year-old? A fucking monkey or something you throw in there. Just fucking turn on the radio, baby food, anything. Baby food. He's 107. What's it called? A laser pointer. Kevin, don't you think this is an overreaction for a 107-'s it called A laser pointer Kevin don't you think This is an overreaction

For a 107 year old To hold up in his room Overreaction on his part Or the No on the cop's part He's 107 Well he was firing a gun I mean like

They had to kill him Man I guess You quit When you shoot A 107 year old man Like don't you You have to quit

You quit You go home That's the last day of work. What's worse, a 107-year-old man or shooting, like, an 18-year-old kid? I'd rather shoot

an 18-year-old. You think so? What? No way. He's at the end of his life. 18-year-olds are a pain in the ass. So are 107-year-olds, though. If you're in line

at a Subway sandwich shop, do you want to be in front of a 107-year-old or behind a 107-year-old or an 18-year-old? I would rather just get rid of all, like, 8-year-olds or behind a 107-year-old or an 18-year-old. I would rather just get rid of all eight-year-olds. I think you're shooting 18 is too high.

Eight-year-olds are annoying. Eight-year-olds are cute. They're going to be 18 someday. Yeah, so get rid of them now. I feel like this SWAT team had nothing to do with their entire day to spend this much time on a 107-year-old man, not to mention, where is the respect for the fact that he still had the power and ability to beat up two fucking people where was this again that was this is in pine bluff arkansas

he beat up two people right and they were they were both women he was it was really unclear what his role in the domestic disturbance was but when the cops came he hid in the other room and he probably had alzheimer's yeah when they said like where is you know where's the other guy hey get out of here that's when he just started shooting at So what can we do to terrify him the most? Put a machine in there and a bunch of smoke bombs and shit. He'd probably relive in World War II. Exactly. He had no idea.

I guess at least he went out on the battlefield, you know? That's not the worst way to go out, I suppose. No, it's better than fucking cancer. Yeah, I would rather be shot. Like, I'd go out and hail a bullet. He would have died anyway soon. Like, he can't live any longer. What do you think, Ed?

I don't know. I feel like I'm just going to get hit by a bus or something. So this guy had a good... Yeah, it was fine. No, you'll go out and hail a bullet, Ed. Oh, thank you, Chucky. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're going to drown in my cum.

We've talked about this. Why would you say that? I just want him to do. Why are you so gross today? I don't know. I just like my penis and my balls. We had the foulest trip to Boston. Yeah, this is the problem.

Oh, I see. We took a road trip to Boston and literally said- No, this was for a murder. Murder Fist was doing the Boston Comedy Festival. Yeah. We were talking mean about everything and every race and culture and- It was the most offensive conversations I've ever had. Just a van full of

fat whites being racist. Ever had. Holy shit. I found the 107-year-old man's phone number. What is it? Two. Good one.

I like it, Eddie. I like it, Eddie. I like it, Eddie. 870-541-0134. Should we call him? He's dead. No one's going to answer. I don't think he's going to pick up. I mean, we could get his voicemail,134 Should we call him? He's dead I don't think he's going to pick up I mean we could get his voicemail though

Don't call him He's dead How do you get his phone number? You're going to get fucking haunted For the rest of your life Alright what's the number? Let's see if we can We can cut it

You're going to get haunted This is like a Ouija board He's going to fucking come after you Alright take it easy Jack 870 I want to hear his 870 I want to hear his 870. 541

0134 Why is his phone number online? It's listed. It's yellow pages. Yeah. It's a landline. How do we not know it's There you go. Already disconnected. A man that's been shot by the SWAT.

I guess they disconnect those numbers pretty quickly when they kill him. That makes sense. It would have been interesting to hear what his voicemail was like. Hey, is this thing... When do I start talking? It would be something like that. Good old man. Get me more

soup! Is this recording? Soup! Anyway, it's time. Leave a message. Old men love soup. Yeah, they do. Is this recording? Soup! Anyway, it's time. Leave a message. Old men love soup. Yeah, they do. Okay.

They all love Dinty Moore. Have you guys ever had Dinty Moore? Dinty Moore is very good. I like Dinty Moore, yeah. I don't think it's good. It's like, it's canned soup, but like, it's old man canned soup. Like, big chunks of fake beef and like, potatoes and stuff. Oh, like, uh, McNab's Moms. Like, what's in my stomach. You get it at the dollar store. You know potatoes and stuff. Oh, like McNab's moms. You get it at the dollar store.

No, it is. Yeah, exactly. Donna McNab's mother. Chunky. Chunky soup. Chunky soup. Yes, that was the thing she was slinging. Chunky soup.

Thank you, Holden. All right, Marcus. Are we done with old man getting shot? We're done with old man getting shot. We're going over to merry old England. Hey, naked me, you got fucking cum in me mouth. All right. It does have to do with cum.

Someone juice Holden. Can he be juiced? I think he needs to be let out a little bit. Yeah. Holden, you sound so bad today. I'm not even like drunk or stoned or anything. I'm bone sober. I don't know what's going on. Well, your voice is off. I blew'm not even like drunk or stoned or anything. I'm bone sober. I don't know what's going on.

Well, your voice is off. I blew out my voice at the Cowman show last night. We had a lot of fun there. What was the thing you had from Sexual Prater Awards? What was your line? In the English accent? I fucking ripped a clit off. I fucking bit a clit off.

Or something like that. No one gets it.'m sorry yeah yeah no that was just overall disgusting words that's what uh people got a pensioner was caught shampooing his privates on a bus after becoming irritated with his underpants this is fine isn't that funny is that what you do shit i should, someone should have told me this before. Yeah, just shampoo your nuts if they're itchy. Philip Milne, 74, was traveling from Bletchley to Bedford when he began to have some issues with his briefs

and unzipped his showers to use some shampoo to soothe his groin area because he did not have his ointment to hand. This is how English people write. It's cool because you actually see the guy's face in the story. Let's see him. He's cleaning his hands.

You're like, look at him. Poor guy. He kind of looks like RoboCop. If RoboCop aged a lot. He's like, shit. I got to relieve myself. So he got arrested for rubbing his nuts with shampoo, but he wasn't jacking off or anything. He was spotted by a mother and son who were chatting and heard there was something going on and turned around to have a look. Prosecuting Camille Gifford said, in essence, the defendant was masturbating while on the bus.

He had his zip undone on his trousers and was rubbing his penis and his testicles. He was just shampooing his itchy balls. He's coming home from the swimming pool. I think this is bullshit. I think it's the fault. Who should be charged is the people looking. He could have waited until he got home. But there were privacy issues.

The man's just rubbing his nuts. You're not compelled to look at him. You don't have to look at him. Maybe he was beating off, and his defense is he was, like, that's true. That could be the case. That's probably what it was. Nonetheless, if a person is jacking off or rubbing their nuts behind you, it's on you if you turn around and look at them.

Oh, I'm cleaning them. I'm cleaning them. They're getting them clean. That's fine. Don't you think, Kevin? They're so dirty. I mean, I don't know if I necessarily agree with what you're saying. It makes a little sense, though.

No, man. If you're staring at somebody doing something, turn away, and then it's like it doesn't even exist. You shouldn't be beating off on a publicist. He wasn't beating off. He was shampooing his balls. Here is his side of the story. He said he wasn't masturbating

and resented everyone else on the bus for ganging up on him. They were being mean. He admitted guilt to the one charge of an act of outraging public decency. He represented himself in court saying, I'm not disputing what was done was wrong, but bear in mind, I thought I was being discreet. What he should have done in court is whipped out his dick and started to masturbate and be like, this is what it looks like when I masturbate. And this is what it looks like when I just rub fucking shampoo on my balls.

That would help a lot, yeah. Absolutely. Exhibit A. He said he was treated like a hardened criminal. He was, and it's ridiculous. And he wasn't even hard. He wasn't hard, though. That's the problem. He was described as being semi-erect. Well, because whenever you stimulize the nuts...

But every time you wash your balls, you get hard? I don't wash my balls Marcus let's move on Alright Can you imagine how cakey Your horrible balls would be If you didn't wash them I don't even know You don't put soap on your nuts Ben?

No I put soap on my nuts Ed Thank god I'm glad we made it clear though Do you put soap on my nuts, Ed. Thank God. Thank you. I was making a joke. I'm glad we made it clear, though. Do you put soap on your nuts, Jackie? Yeah, I take out my nuts out of my downstairs pouch and I wash them off and then I shove them back in.

Do you think that's appropriate language to be recorded? Yeah! I fucking do, Kissel! Downstairs pouch. This is a weird episode. Yeah. I mean, you actually sound

like how you look, which is like a horse. Yeah. Which is strange. Kevin is subdued and feels like he's too big to be here. This guy's whole life

has been turned upside down. He says, it has seriously affected my relationship with my wife, who is now not speaking to been turned upside down. He says, it has seriously affected my relationship with my wife, who is now not speaking to me. Come on. She's receiving calls from friends and family.

One of my best friends, who works at a school, who I meet up with two or three times a week for coffee, rang up and said, we can't be friends anymore. What? He said, the grandchildren have all read the story on Twitter and Facebook. Did you do it, Grandpa? Did you rub your balls with creamy creams in the post-op? Did you?

Please tell me you didn't. Why didn't he have his ointment? Yeah. He just didn't have his ointment. He had ointment. He had. And she's nuts. You knew he was jacking it.

Wait, so if he was shampooing it himself, what would he have to do? He would have to spit on it, right, to get it sudsy? I guess. Conditioner is a great. Conditioner is good, right, to get it sudsy. Again. Conditioner. Conditioner. Conditioner is good, but shampoo is only going to make it worse. That's right. Shampoo is terrible.

Shampoo dries out. Yeah, it dries out. We all learned this lesson at a very young age. Absolutely, yeah. Wait, you get used to shampoo? No, you don't. It gets in the head, and then you're fucking done. Your dick scales up.

Yeah, yeah. You wake up the next day, it looks like your dick died. You know when lakes dry up, and the ground is all cracked and brittle? Yeah, yeah. You wake up the next day and it looks like your dick died. You know when lakes dry up and the ground is all cracked and brittle? Yeah, like in a desert. That's what your dick looks like. It sheds like a snake. Does it also wriggle around and go eww? We're talking

about it, so yes. Absolutely. That's just how Holden knows he has to pee. When his dick starts to mule. This poor fucker. Sorry, girl. Even if he was caught jacking off on a bus, I'm going to say,

Saman, if you get caught jacking off on a bus and you are truly jacking off, I'm never not going to talk to you over it. You had to jack off. I mean, who gives a fuck? First of all, I'd get a lawyer. He representing himself. That's a bad move. He just went

and pled guilty. You know what his sentence is? He got fined 180 pounds. About $281 American. That's the size of the girl he was jacking off to. If he was just itching his nuts, and that's why he put this shit on in the first place, he wouldn't have got

any problem. If he had just put up with it and just itched the fuck out of his nuts, no one would be able to say anything. If he was just itching real hard on the outside of his pants, he wouldn't have got any problem. If he had just put up with it and just itched the fuck out of his nuts, no one would be able to say anything. If he was just itching real hard on the outside of his pants, he'd be fine. It could be a burning sensation,

though. Yeah. Maybe if his wife would have gave him some fucking peace and quiet at home and time to go to the bathroom and beat off,

he wouldn't be taking public transportation and beating off in public. It's his wife's fault. I don't know how, but I agree with that. She won't talk to him because he's beating off on a bus. You don't want your husband to beat off on a bus?

Then fucking suck it. Start sucking and sticking it all away in a goddamn Bushwick bar. I agree with that. I'm going to go to prison. I'll be back. That's fine. That's fine. All right all right marcus any other stories uh it's time for a segment from old mcneely oh boy oh boy oh fuckies so uh the segment today is uh we're gonna be putting on

a show in hell uh marcus is a multi-million dollar demon backer we're gonna put on a show he's gonna decide what show to do what tort torturous, evil, horrible show to do. I'll go first. I didn't want to put much thought into this one. So I'm going to... First of all, because of health and security reasons, I'm going to put fire alarms all over the walls. Right?

Huge speakers. And we're in hell. So those will be going off the whole time. Ed! Ed! Exactly. Ed! Bunches of them, though them though it sounds like ed's backing up i wasn't listening

um so first thing i'm gonna do is i'm gonna have benny hill come out old man benny hill and he's gonna come out they're gonna play the and he's gonna pull his cock out and he's going to come out. They're going to play the do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. And he's going to pull his cock out. And he's going to try to masturbate, but it won't get hard. And then he's going to start crying. Alright? He leaves, okay? I come out. I do my animal

noises for about an hour and a half. Okay? Essentially. Just lots of animals, you know, stuff like that. Say some racist stuff, you know, whatever. Like, kind of get them going. What are the racist things you want to say? So far, I like this show. Yeah, so far.

So far, I'm, like, looking around. I'm like, why am I the only one that thinks this is fantastic? You know, so we'll be doing that. I'll rattle off on that. And then Aerosmith's going to come out and only play their new stuff for, like, four hours. Like, same five new songs that they've done, right? And then Steven Tyler is going to fucking take shit on someone's tits. And then you get to pick who's tits get shit on by Steven Tyler.

And then she'll fucking eat it. And then we're going to round out the show. Big finale, right? Big finale. I put a bunch of fireworks in my asshole. Right? And we light them. Right? And my butt blows up. And then everybody gets a big long straw. And I mean

you can take it from there. Fuck. That's not bad. That's, you know, that just, I mean if it wasn't for the butt drinking, I'd go to that show. Yeah, but you have to drink. Yeah. Alright. Can I go real quick? Mine's really easy. If it wasn't for the butt drinking, I'd go to that show. Yeah, but you have to drink. Yeah. All right.

All right. Mine's really... Can I go real quick? Of course. Mine's really easy. All right. We're going to take hell because it has to take place in hell, right? It's in hell.

Yeah. It's a show in hell to punish people. So we're going to redecorate hell to look like Quebec. Okay. Okay. And then we're just going to hire air supply and that's it. Oh, wow. Okay.

Not bad. That's fucking torture. Yeah., and that's it. Oh, not bad. Not bad. That's fucking torture. That's a bad show. Air Supply in Quebec. Right. Can I jerk off if I'm in the crowd? Do whatever you want to tell.

Okay. What song did Air Supply sing? Who gives a fuck? Yeah, they suck. Yeah, they sung something. That's a good show. Jackie, do you have anything? I'm all out of love.

I'm so lost without you. That's a good song. We'll go to that concert. I am all out of love. I'm so lost without you. That's a good song. We'll go to that concert. I am out of love, yeah. The Australians. Sad. They're the fucking worst. Feel that.

I still think. The cross is going to open. Okay. From Kiss? So there's a, you know, the place, you're in like an encapsulated place. It's like too hot, like really, really humid. And there's frogs everywhere. And then like a naked old woman, like very similar to like the old woman in The Shining in the room, comes out. And she's like, I'm so sexy.

And she starts rubbing on herself. She's like, I can't keep with. So she takes the frogs and she makes them like rib it up into her. And then all of a sudden you realize she's got flies up inside her vagina. And so they're just like licking at it and licking at it. And she's like, that makes you it. And then like Shirley Temple comes out. But then she's got.

She's still alive. Oh, yeah. No, I'm saying baby Shirley Temple. I want curly haired Shirley Temple. She comes out. She's riding on a Oh, yeah. No, I'm saying baby Shirley Temple. I want curly-haired Shirley Temple. She comes out. She's riding on a baboon, right? Yeah, yeah. And then all three of them start fucking.

They're squirming around in the frog. She's tap dancing the whole time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you can't help her out, Eddie. Well, she's crying, definitely, because you love to watch an old woman and a child have sex as long as a child is crying. And it's dead silent and it just keeps happening over and over again. Okay.

How long duration? Two hours. I would say just recreate the VMAs Robin Thicke, but instead of dancing for Blurred Lines with Miley Cyrus, he either dances with Candy Crowley from CNN or Lisa Lampanelli or what's the fat girl from... Lisa Lampanelli is looking all right these days.

She's not fat. Lisa Lampanelli. Anymore. She lost a bunch of weight. Yeah, but you know her body is loose as fuck because I have had sex with women who used to be fat. Yeah, it was never good, man. And also, oh, by the way, Kevin, I just want to let you know, Lisa stopped saying the N-word because

she wants black people to stop having a problem with her, so that's all I want to say. That's true. She stopped saying the N-word. I didn't know there was a balance. I didn't know she was saying it. Have you ever listened to her? Not really. Her stand-up is all, it's very... I've only seen her on the roast. N-word heavy.

Or Carney Wilson. I like Carney Wilson. Carney Wilson twerking. That's the worst show I can possibly think of. Okay. I'm fine with it. Oh, you're done. My party show is

it is hosted by Ed Murphy and his vampire in Brooklyn attire. We also have the main game of the party is you get to stretch Kissel's extra skin and

the point of the thing is you get to see who can stretch Kissel's extra skin the most before he shits his pants. But. Oh, this is fun. The thing about it is, though. It's like a carnival type shit. Yeah.

But if he does shit his pants. Yeah. You may lose because he shat his pants. But really, if you think about it, everybody won. Everybody wins. Yeah. I win, too. I haven't shat in a couple of weeks.

That's good. Well, thank you so much for that, Kevin. Awesome. Man, this is a hard one. It really is. This is a really, really tough one. And really, if Kevin wins, I kind of win, too. Yeah, you do.

I'm sorry. Well, you have to eat your own shit. Oh, I have to eat it? Yeah. Yeah, but you said it's good for you, right? Is that what you were preaching earlier in this podcast? It's recycled food, right? Sure.

See, on one hand, Kevin, you've got Vampire and Brooklyn Eddie Murphy. Oh, yeah. Who I love. Yeah. Jackie somehow managed to fit most of my worst fears into one show. That she was playing to Marcus. I saw that. It was sneaky and good.

Yeah. Well, yeah, he's a demon multimillionaire. There you go. Yeah. Put frogs in there. Put the old lady from The Shining. Done. Frogs are terrifying to me.

That's one of my biggest fears. Really? Frogs? Oh, yeah. Frogs scare the shit out of me. I'd kill the fuck out of a frog. No, I mean, I killed hundreds as a child. Oh, I've killed a lot.

Yeah. But scared. But still scared. Really? You guys are scared of frogs? Yeah. What are you scared of frogs for? Bullfrogs.

They don't move. They don't do anything. They jump at you and they pee. We've discussed the frog situation. I'm just still kidding. Well, I don't like them. It doesn't matter. It wasn't a random choice here.

I just don't get why people are scared of frogs. They're harmless. They're not worse than rats. Rats are fucking disgusting. Yeah. Rats. I like rats. Possums.

All the way worse. Possums. They go. A bit off topic. A bit off topic. A bit off topic. Everyone doesn't like a certain amount of everything. Yeah. But on the other hand, I really want to see Holden show.

Astro Ball. Like it really does. Ooh, Astro Ball. You don't want to see it. It's supposed to be torture. No, no, no. I'm the one that gets. Marcus, can I just say this?

I would like to change my game to. No. Okay. But Astro Ball. Basketball. But I want to play with Okay. But Astro Ball, basketball, but I want to play with their ass. Astro Ball.

Kind of fun. Does that change anything? No, it doesn't. I'm just trying to think of a fun thing. I think as far as being pure torture, Holden gets it.

Thank you so much. God damn it. Thank you. I so rarely win. You were real close on that one. I want to thank the public for not supporting me.

Go fuck yourself, Holden. I want to thank fucking taxi cab drivers. Goddamn, that was really close. Holden just broke his microphone. Racist. No, I'm fine. Hi, Holden. All right, well, that's been this episode of The Roundtable.

That's Jackie Ed holding. Congratulations, Kevin. I can't believe you did that. I'm glad this work is not too shabby. All right, everyone, we'll talk to you soon. Skalaw!