The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 162: Gulag High

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a furry is arrested for having sex with a cat on multiple occasions, a drunken pig picks a fight with a cow, and a Nigerian man is raped to death by five of his six wives. Joining us today: Sean Patton and from The Cowmen, Doug Austin!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Civility. Me and Jermaine are hosting a one-off show on Tuesday. It's called Ninjas, but originally the name was supposed to be Niggas, but we couldn't do it. The bar wouldn't allow us to do it. So what show are you going to see tonight, honey? Well, we're going to go see

Ninjas. Alright, Jackie, you have to pray. Oh, man. You fucking forget every fucking time. Just do it now. Dear fucking God, you're so fucking white and big. I'm saying it for Ed because Ed's not here today. That's right.

I just want to say thank you for, I don't know, man, all the shit I got that you boys don't fucking have. Only fucking bitch in here today. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I got two fucking sacks up top that I get to hit whenever I fucking have. Only fucking bitch in here today. I'm feeling pretty good about it. I got two fucking sacks up top that I get to hit whenever I fucking want. I got a big fucking open sloppy

that anytime I fucking want, I can just make it juice. Just by fucking thinking. And I'm fucking thankful for that. Because you guys ain't got fucking shit. That's right. You ain't hard.

You ain't big. Your boyfriend's on the cast today. Yeah, you just fucking sad. Everybody's fucking sad, and I'm happy. All right. Any fucking men. All right, amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody.

Amen. Sitting in for Ed Larson. We got Sean Patton. Yep. That's what I'm doing. I'm sitting in for Ed. Yeah, you're technically sitting in for Ed. So you have to say disgusting things and smell like bologna.

I got one of those down. All right, fantastic. It's weird to sit next to you, Sean, because you smell much better than Ed does. Does Ed stink? Yeah. Even with that haircut? Well, no, because of the haircut. Isn't that bizarre?

He's hiding, just bologna, flat bologna. Exactly. He gets his meat stuck up in the beard and in the hair. Yeah. It's like a bizarre scene. No, and he showers like three times a day. He showers too much. Hey, Ed and I are Eskimo buddies.

That's not bad. What does that mean? That means you've slept with the same woman. I feel like everybody. Who was the lucky lady? We will not say. Oh, my God. Let's just say one of us dated her for a year.

You slept with a fucking pumpkin on Halloween? Oh, wait, no, we're not Eskimo buddies because I didn't sleep with her, but I imagine Ed did. Yeah. I imagine Ed did. Hopefully. I imagine. I think that dude's got like, but women but I imagine Ed did. Yeah. I imagine Ed did. Hopefully. I imagine. I think that dude's got like, but women seem to love Ed. They do.

I don't understand it, man. They seem to. I think it's that giant frame. They want to be manhandled. They do. This is his move. He's like, you know. It's the best.

It works every fucking time. Every time at a bar, he's just like, hey, let me show you something over there. There's something I want to show you over there. Over there? Yeah, over this. He takes them off to the side of the bar, and, let me show you something over there. There's something I want to show you over there. Over there? Yeah, over there. He takes him off to the side of the bar, and then he just lays him on him. I'm sorry. If you fall for let me show you something over there, you deserve whatever.

You deserve Ed Larson. That's pretty much the worst thing you can get. You deserve baloney beard Larson. He force kisses women. Oh, it's gross. His nose gets in the way. The thing is, bitches love ham, man. And if you look at-

I'm not looking for baloney, man. I'm looking for fucking black forest ham. I'm not looking for fucking baloney. Well, if you're a vegetarian and you want to squirt around and actually get the smell of meat, fuck Eddie. Because, you know, he smells just like that sweet, sweet roast beef. It'll be great. Like, he's probably got horrible balls.

Oh, they're massive nuts. I've heard a tale. He has a tale. Anyway, real quick. We've got Holden McNeely. Holden McNeely. The thing with that, it's got giant balls. They're really big.

Massive balls. Yeah, they're like fucking eclipses penis. They're huge. And then Kevin's here. Yeah, I'm here, man. And then Jackie, of course, who prayed Marcus. All right, can we get back talking about Ed? Yes, I know.

I just have to introduce Doug Austin. Douglas Austin's also here, the lead guitar player of the Cowmen, a wonderful band here in New York City. Yes. Thank you. All right. Now let's get back to Ed's nuts, the topic of the day. You know, I heard tales that his nuts hit the toilet water every time.

They drop into the water. Sean, has this ever happened to you? Does anybody here have a situation where their member, other than your clitoris or your... Oh, yeah, no,

that fucking sloops right down the fucking drain. I actually, if we're going to go here, I have a weird pinched nerve situation. I shit standing up. What?

Whoa. What do you mean? If I sit on a toilet, if I sit... It's just something about the toilet. A chair, like, this chair is fine.

My weight is dispensed. So you hover. The toilet, I straight up like, yeah. I straight up Betty Boop it. You know what I'm saying? It's a very Middle Eastern thing to do. That's how they do it. They have a hole in the ground and they hover over it, which is technically cleaner because they don't like to touch butts with other human beings.

And I get it out quicker and I'm done. Does it ever go on the leg, though? I feel like it could be. I was going to say, it's not like you've got a real sloppy thigh beings. Right, right, right. And I get it out quicker and I'm done. Okay, really? And does it ever go on the leg, though? I feel like it could be... I was going to say, it's not like you've got a real sloppy thigh situation. Exactly, right? I'm like Cyclops. So is your...

I mean, your diet must be relatively healthy to have a strong turd every time. Because I'll tell you, I had some spray shit this weekend after some Papa John's that would have completely shattered... Stop eating Papa John's! I know, it's disgusting.

But it would have shattered my entire life if I was standing up. You've got to learn how to eat. Right, I do. That's true. Thank you, Sean. No, I mean,

you've got to learn if you're going to eat a couple of slices of some Papa John's, follow it up with a handful of almonds. And then that makes your pooping better.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or if you're eating almonds all day, naturally follow it up with some Papa John's. Yeah, or just go lick Ed Larson. Because that'll keep...

Have you guys seen the Bristol stool chart? Do you know of it? No. The Bristol stool chart. Look it up. Let's get the Bristol stool chart. Bristol stool chart. There it is.

See, it's already in. It's already in the thing. Look at that. There, pull it up. There are seven different types of turds. Oh, this is great. Let's go through. And what kind of turds do you tend to have, Sean?

I go for type three, which is like... In your type three. As it says, like a sausage, but with cracks on the surface. Okay, and Marcus, what's type one, two, and then we'll all decide what kind of stools we are. Type one, separate hard lumps like nuts, hard to pass. That's like a rabbit. That's if you're eating too many vegetables, not enough cheese, not enough dairy. I never had that fucking problem.

Yeah, not your problem, Moulton. Yeah. Type two, sausage-shaped, but lumpy. Okay. Okay. And when you're in here, sausage-shaped and lumpy. I mean, I've had them. I mean, I shit many different kinds of shits, though.

You're a diverse shit. You should pay attention. Yeah. Okay. Everyone, if you're listening to this, this is disgusting. This motherfucking shit was made by professors at Oxford, okay? That's right. Oh, Oxford does know.

It is overseas. Yeah. Or actually University of Bristol. That's what it's named after. University of Bristol. Bad day to be a professor at the University of Bristol on shit Tuesdays, but that's fine. Type three is me, like sausage but with cracks on the surface. I've had that, definitely.

Isn't that how we describe Holden's neck? That's actually type eight is Holden's neck. You have Holden McNeely. If you're shitting Holden's neck, go to the doctor. It's lumpy and lizard-like. Go to the doctor immediately. Scaly. Type four, like a sausage or snake, smooth and soft.

I have a type four situation. I think I might be a type four. That's if you're healthy. That's also a bad description because it's like a sausage in an inanimate dead object or a snake. A live living often venomous creature. They do use... Your shit come up and try to bite you in the ass.

Get yourself a part 4. They do liken poops to sausage in three of the categories. It's a nice reference point. Type 5 is soft blobs with clear cut edges. I want to vomit. Can I just say that? Soft blobs with clear cut edges.

Just wait until you hear type six. Fluffy pieces with ragged edges. A mushy stool. That would be the cheesesteak shit I took today. I think that's the Ed Larson. Everything he eats is fluffy pieces with ragged edges. That's some beer shit.

That is some beer shit, definitely. And type seven, watery, no solid pieces, and then in bold, entirely liquid. Whenever I have cart food, cart food or Chipotle, I immediately have that shit. Alright, so to achieve the

Sean Patton type three, what do you have to do with your diet? Okay, if you're drinking all night, the first thing you eat the next morning, a lot of meat. Okay. A lot of meat. Any kind of meat, roast beef, ham, turkey, chicken? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're going to go, if you're eating meat all day, naturally start drinking.

Okay. You know what I'm saying? So it's just kind of like whatever you're doing, vice versa, you vice versa it back. All right. I'm making this up as I'm going along. It's perfect. No, no, no. Solid science, man.

You want to be in the middle. You got to eat all the shit. I'm sold. And that's the first round table nutrition corner brought to you by Sean Penn. Yeah. If you eat an apple, if you eat an apple, immediately eat the opposite of an apple. Block of cheese. If you eat a block of cheese, immediately the opposite of that, an apple or a pear maybe.

Sure. That's how I look at it. You drink beer, immediately the opposite of that. An apple or a pear maybe. Sure. That's how I look at it. You drink beer, immediately drink water. Or vodka. Immediately drink vodka right to gin. Gin right to vodka. He says he's making up as he's going along. There's some solid science.

I agree. I'm sold. I had to take a nutrition class and all of it boiled down to a nutrition class was, hey, you got some green shit, eat some red shit. Right. It was all that. That's literally exactly what you just said. So basically, my logic

is like a type 2 sausage-shaped but lumpy, but solid. See what I'm saying? Exactly. That's my logic. I got type 2 Bristol Stool Tart. Well, thank you, Sean, for educating our audience. Doesn't that give you a hemorrhoid if you have that kind of stuff? When you push too hard?

You definitely shouldn't push too hard. you definitely shouldn't push too hard. You definitely shouldn't push too hard. Just let it flow through you. That's right. Yeah, I learned that lesson. Yeah, you got to let it go. We had a problem over at the shop that I work at that we kept finding footprints on our toilet seat

because I guess a regular customer kept taking shits. Was he a monkey? But I guess the way to do it is if you get up on a toilet seat and squat like that, that that's the easiest way to pass a bowel movement. It's not just the easiest way, but it is the best way to do it for your body. We're not supposed to sit on a toilet and shit. We're supposed to squat.

It's bad for our backs. It's bad for our legs and bad for our digestive system. So this is a failure of Western culture. That it is. Very interesting. I can't even squat if I'm not standing on a toilet. Can you squat? No, I can't. I can't military sit. There's no way I can take a dump

and do that, read the newspaper and check off. I saw a video of a chick taking a dump in a grocery store. I'm sorry, hold on one second. So let's just recap. So you were jacking off to a video of a chick taking a dump in a grocery store. I may have just been watching it for regular entertainment purposes. But this chick

was in like the milk aisle and decided she's real smooth. She's walking around. Decided to just drop her pants real quick. This is the video. It comes out smooth and easy. Okay, let's see this. Lady poops on supermarket floor and she does it! Oh my god, she does!

Oh, that was amazing. I'm taking care of a new Pomeranian right now, and that's an infantile Pomeranian poop. So quick. And what kind of stool? That was so smooth. Is that a number seven? That looks like a six or a seven. You think that's a six or a seven, Sean?

That's definitely a six. It's not watery. It's not watery. It's got a little... It's got some integrity to it. Folks listening at home, YouTube, lady poops on supermarket floor, and the description is accurate. She definitely does. I'm not doing that kind of thing either.

Was this a sexual fetish for her or she just had to dump? Growing up in New Orleans and living here for so many years, I've had those times where you've got to piss like a fucking drunk racehorse. Of course. And you just duck and just blast out. But I think the same logic with her was

like, I got it. I got to do-do brown and it's going to happen now or... Clean up on aisle seven. I wish... I hope that spawns like a whole cult of people shitting in public quickly and only getting caught by security cameras. We got to stop the heroputmas from coming in

here because they are destroying our supermarket. They call us the number twos. We roam around shitting in public. That's the thing. When you shat on that car, I mean, you were up there for a while, right? I was 16 years old. You shat on a car?

I shat on a car. Yeah, it was a very nice car of a douchebag in the neighborhood, and I just shat on the car. Oh, dude, I was 22. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, I used to poop. I've been pooping for a while on things.

But yeah, 22 is a good time to shit in public. Or in this woman's case, I mean, she must be in her 50s. She looked like 40s, I mean, you know, I used to poop. I've been pooping for a while on things. But yeah, 22 is a good time to shit in public. Or in this woman's case, I mean, she must be in her 50s. She looked like 40s, I'd say. Sean, was yours also an act of revenge or just... I mean, I feel like I'm cheating a little bit right now because I do a bit about it. But I basically, I was wasted at a house party. I saw a girl I loved and she was all up on another dude. And I decided to, I was peeing in the front yard like a goddamn wolf. That she was With like all up On another dude And I decided to

I was peeing in the front yard Like a Like a Like a goddamn wolf That's right Like a goddamn man And While I was peeing

You get I call it You get ambushed by your colon Where you're just You're peeing like Oh That's It's happening right now

Via colon And I was I remember I was just so wasted My drunken logic was like I'm going in an act of representation In an act of representation, in an act of symbolism, I'm going to shit on a car like that bitch just shit on my heart.

Did you put the American flag in it at the end? Like I thought like a puppy. I was like, puppies, when their owners leave them, they shit everywhere, and women love puppies. That's right. You know? That's right. So I chose a car.

What happened was I chose a car, I shat on it, and the dude whose car it was was a scary thug dude, and he caused such a ruckus about somebody shitting on his car that the cops, the guy who was throwing the party, had to call the cops. They came. For shitting on the car, he called the cops. No, no, no. The guy whose car I shit on caused such a ruckus

that the dude whose party it was was like, I'm calling the cops, dude, if you don't chill out. The guy was like, I don't give a fuck. The cops showed up, arrested him for being, like, drunk and disorderly, and then searched his car and found a handgun under the back seat. Wow. That they later traced back to a shooting.

Not a murder, just a shooting. Are you telling me, did you shit on Aaron Hernandez's car? No, no, no. Hey, you just solved a crime. Exactly. My intestines are like fucking Watkins and Holmes, dude. Yeah, we need Detective Poo-Poo back on here. Anywhere Sean Patton shits, you're going to find a gun.

Also, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a rule. What if that were my X-Men pile? It would be perfect. But I could shit in the vicinity of weapons. Get Sean more broccoli. We got a fucking huge thing to do here. Oh, well, he's eating a lot of broccoli, so get him some Havarti.

Get him the balance. I've seen the fucking chart. All right, Marcus, let's go to our first news story. An Idaho man who enjoys dressing up as a dog was arrested early this month for having sex with a cat. I think that happens. That will happen. On several occasions. On several occasions.

He was just doing the normal, natural way of sex, man. No, but dogs don't actually have sex with cats. Well, we do know that dogs are boys and cats are girls, so yeah, I think it happens. Okay. Ryan Haven's Tannenholz, a self-identified furry, or someone who wears anthropomorphic animal fursuits, was charged with six felony counts of crimes against nature and one misdemeanor count of cruelty to an animal. Police say the Boise Man 28 sexually abused the cat multiple times between January 2012

and January 2013, full year. After an extensive investigation, police secured an arrest warrant July 31st and arrested him the following day. Do we know if it's cruelty to the animal? That's my only question. Is it? Yeah. You think, Sean? Yeah. Listen, I'm going to say if you're going to fuck a? That's my only question. Is it? Yeah.

I'm going to say if you're going to fuck a big ass dog, maybe not. But like a cat? A cat's dick is tiny. What if this guy's a micropenis? Yeah, that's the only acceptable answer I'm going to take. Even a micropenis in a cat. Here's a fucked up thing. He probably had to roofie that cat. You think so?

Think about that, hip and all peddlers. They don't stand still for anything. They don't stand still for anything. The only thing is that if the cat kept coming back, is it rape? That's a good point. I mean, if it's been a year, and you're right, Doug, cats don't fucking sit still for anything. They don't. The cat keeps coming back, keeps fucking wagging its ass around.

You think the man was enticed. I mean, if you're dressed like a dog, who knows what the cat's wearing. And God knows what this cat was wearing. Probably some fur and a tail. Well, Tannenholz portrays himself as a black and white husky he calls Bubblegum Husky. Never mind, I take it back. Bubblegum Husky. I have a picture of Tannenholz in his bubblegum husky costume.

Let's just take a look. That's what he actually looks like, which is sort of like a dog in a weird way. That's his actual picture, but here he is in his bubblegum husky costume. I'm actually going to say more of a coyote-type wolf look than a dog. I really don't like this guy. He's blue, by the way, for the listeners at home. Blue and white. No, Sean, what do you think

as far as like thought please goes? I mean, you just arrest this guy before he actually ends up fucking a cat. I mean, the bubble gum dog does to him. No, you make this guy

live in the wilderness for the rest of his life. You make him be an actual dog. You fucking banish him to the wilderness. I don't think you would take that as a punishment. But there you go.

You're like, you want to be a dog? Fucking other guy. Live like a dog. We're going to sew this shit onto your body. You're going to have to live like a dog we're going to sew this shit onto your body you're going to have to eat like a dog

you should have to get fucked by a barbed cat dick well you remember that video a few years back of the guy getting fucked to death by the horse

Zoo was a great documentary about a bunch of people getting fucked to death by horses did you not see it you've heard enough yeah yeah you can imagine

how it would work. Unless you're like, I sleep too much and eat too much healthily. Watch the video because that video went right through him. It definitely did.

So you want to have a similar situation happen to this guy but with a large German shepherd or something? Throw him out there dressed like a blue fucking animal.

Right. And just let other, let nature take its course. But that's the thing though, it might not be, like if he's the only dude He's fucking cats Not too many people Are fucking cats

You throw him out in the wilderness Full of cats What type of cats There might be cats That like fucking dudes He's the only dude Fucking cats He's got a monopoly

On cat fucking cats Yeah but then So you're talking Maybe he's gonna have A huge enterprise He's gonna be the Walmart Of fucking cats I wanna see him

Try and fuck a bobcat Yeah You know And just rear around And take his fucking head off want to see him try and fuck a bobcat. Yeah. You know, and just rear around and take his fucking head off. But what better way to subdue a bobcat than stick your dick in it, pet its tummy a little bit, and come all over it? I mean, this guy might be on to something. I bet there are upwards of 300 better ways to subdue a bobcat. 300 better ways?

300? To stick your dick in it and cum on it. Stay still, bobcat. I'm going to jizz on you. You never know. Jizzing on Bobcat. Bubblegum's about to go. The better punishment would be to castrate him

and set him out. Right? Yeah. Yeah, because then he doesn't have a dick and he can only get fucked by things. When Bubblegum the dog comes, he goes, hubba-bubba. Hubba-bubba.

Hubba-gum. Hubba-bubba. Hubba-gum. Hubba-bubba. Hold on, what does it sound like when bubble gum comes? He calls it blowing bubbles. That's good. What does it sound like when he comes, Holden?

Well, he talks like this, because he's bubble gum. He's everybody's favorite bubble gum. So when he's going, he's like, all right, cat, please stand still. He goes, starts slow, and then it's just like, hey, hey, thank you, sorry, sorry, excuse me, excuse me, okay. Fuck, I just came all over this cat. Holden McNeely, the foremost furry coming sound expert. He is an expert on it. In the United States.

Well, the furry community is not happy with this, man. Talk about this representation. I went to an online magazine called Flayra.com. Flayra. This is all about the furry community is not happy with this, man. Talk about this representation. I went to an online magazine called Flayra.com. Flayra. This is all about the furry community. Okay. Here's what an anonymous commenter says. I really don't consider this person part of the fandom.

Certainly not anymore. It's the same thing when someone steals something from your house at a party. You don't invite them to any more things. I mean, it's a little bit different. It's a good idea. He goes on to say, if we say nothing, then the idiotic mass media machine is allowed to write our history. None of us should want that. Right.

But to a certain degree. You're fucking humans who dress like animals. To fuck. The history is in Britain. No, you don't get anything. You don't get a plaque. You don't get to sit at the board of logical discussion and chime in. Fuck you.

Fuck all furries. No, I got nothing against you. That's rude, Sean. I mean, furries are people, too. I mean, there's half dogs and cats, but, you know, sort of people, too. You consider me the dynamism of furries, you nappy-headed animal. Whoa, whoa! I was fine with it.

No, but okay, let's say the furry hits have an argument here. There are peace-loving people that just want to go to their conventions, rub on each other, come inside of their furry outfits. Is this the equivalency of when a pedophile fucks a child and they blame it on the gay community, something like that? I mean, I feel like the furry community No, it's not that bad. It's really up. It's an uproar here. Well, another visitor says, it's a jerkwater town in Idaho where nothing exciting ever happens. The local media are cashing in on some moral outrage.

You can't have sex with a cat, and if you tried, certainly not multiple times, it is anatomically impossible. Oh, so this man has definitely tried. He's definitely tried to fuck a cat. Absolutely. Well, there was a retarded felon named Roger in my hometown of Stevens Point, Wisconsin, who used to fuck cats and throw them into the

Iverson Park. And I think we've discussed this previously. Yeah, because he fucked them to death. But, you know, he did it like a man, like a human being. I mean, there's something weak about this guy dressing up like a dog in order to fuck these cats. It's fucked up because animals don't have the capacity for logic that humans do. It's unfair in that sense.

That's why beastie alley is fun. I'm just really wondering what the extensive investigation was. Do you ask the cat? Yeah, really. How hard do you got to look into that? Like, he had sex with the cat for an entire year. They had an extensive investigation. They secured an arrest warrant for this guy.

Right. It was a whole process. The cat was wearing a wire, man. They wired the cat. I mean, you imagine the family that gets this cat, you know, when they give it to their child as a gift from the adoption agency, and they're like, there's something weird about Tammy. She keeps on, like, licking my balls and, like, acting real submissive around me.

And he's being charged with six counts of crimes against nature, which means that they can prove that he fucked this cat on six separate occasions. I don't know how they can prove it. It must be a small town. He faces up to five years for each felony count. Wow. So we're looking at, what, 35 years? He's looking at 35 years?

35 years imprisonment for fucking a cat. We eat animals every goddamn day. Oh, put him away. Why not? 35 years for fucking Jackie. What do you think? I think that's a little too much. Yeah, I him away. Why not? 35 years for fucking Jackie? What do you think? I think that's a little too much. Yeah, I mean, he's not fucking a kid, right?

That's right. And pedophiles don't get 35 years. He's got a fucking tighter ass than a kid. So I feel like if you ever want to fuck a kid, fuck a cat. Yeah, and at the same time... If you want to fuck a kid, fuck a... You should be the mayor of New York. Thank you.

On the fuck a cat instead of a kid platform. I'm the new fucking Christine Quinn, that idiot bitch. Oh, if we start letting humans fuck animals, what's next? Men and men are going to start getting married? I don't like that. I don't like that. We're going backwards. Slip, slip, slip.

Slip, slip, slip. Now, I was reading this. No, I wasn't reading this thing. I was listening to old episodes of Loveline a long time ago. And found an archive online and a guy called in he would have the dog would fuck him

right now do you have like I don't think I have it's disgusting but I don't think I necessarily have like an animal cruelty issue

with that that's a little different he would mount up you know or he would get on his hands and the dog would come and mount up and fuck him

I'm sorry I think that dog needs to go to prison for 35 years I mean on his hands and knees, and the dog would come and mount up. I'm sorry. I think that dog needs to go to prison for 35 years. I mean, he's raping a man. Put the dog away. What's happening? The next thing you know, gay dogs are going to start marrying other gay dogs. Well. Very interesting.

Let's let that one slide. Very interesting. Gay dogs. They're going to start marrying other gay dogs. I just love the idea of cops actually putting a wire on the cat's collar, and they're listening, but they can't hear. They can't hear anything over that damn bell. Why don't you take the bell off?

I just saw this. Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. This rabies text jingling around. It's not good. They can't hear. Why don't you take the bell off? Wait, wait. I thought I heard a tick.

I thought I heard a tick. Ting-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling. Take the bell off. Do you think it's fine that this man had sex with his dog or allowed his dog to have sex with him? Him allowing the dog to have sex with him, that's between him and the dog, man. That's fine. That's fine. Clearly the dog made a choice.

He's like, I'm going to fuck this dude in the butt. I don't think this guy needs to go away for 35 years. He isn't there for 35 years. Think about that. 35 years in jail. There's no cats in jail. Well, there are actually a lot. I watch a lot of lockup,

and cats are a therapeutic animal. Cats and puppies, right? Yeah, but they're not allowed to fuck the cats. I'm sure they're not going to give that man a cat. Well, here's the thing. Okay, if the guy got 35 years, what is it? You get a parole hearing, what, a third?

And a third of your sentence? Let's say a third, sure. So that's what? 11 and a half years? The thing is, once it gets out, what he's in prison for, they're gonna fuck that dude up. They're going to just like, man,

a cat was my only friend. Some fucking serial murderer. My only friend was a cat. He told me to murder all them people. You fucked all those cats. And you fucked a cat? Ah, this guy ain't going to jail. You fucked Pharaoh? And that's the thing. As soon as he gets out, he's gonna go on a cat fucking rampage, man.

If you're in jail this long, you don't got no cat butt. Hide your cats. He just has kitty calendars all over his prison wall and it's technically not illegal. They just think he's the cutest prisoner around. He also had another alter ego, a blue fox named Kismet Fox. Kismet.

Oh, that's cute. Okay. You don't have a picture of that? Don't have a picture of Kismet Fox, no. My vote is still banish him to the Yukon, forced to wear that uniform forever. Yeah. I think that's fine. Sorry.

Sean, who do you think gets treated worse, pedophiles or cat fuckers in prison? I would hope pedophiles. Yeah, you would hope so. I would hope pedophiles. I would hope. Or do pedophiles fuck cat fuckers in prison? I would hope pedophiles. Yeah, you would hope so. I would hope pedophiles. I would hope. Or do pedophiles fuck cat fuckers? I don't think so. I feel like on the chain of command,

I feel like a cat fucker is actually worse than a pedophile. Yeah, I would say so, too. You think so, Kevin? I think so. I think it's the only solace I have about pedophiles is knowing that, like, okay, they'll be put in prison, and they're just going to get the shit fucking raped out of their ass. Right, that's justice, right?

Yeah. I have found a picture of Kismet Fox. All right, let's see Kismet. And there goes our blue. It's a shittier costume. It's a bad costume, yeah. Say goodbye to innocence. Well, these people, they spend a lot of money on these costumes.

I did a little bit of research into the community. That's before you upgraded to the other costume. They spend up to, I did read that someone spent $400 on one of these costumes. People custom make them for each other and then send them through the mail. Do we know, did he fuck the cat in the costume? We do not know whether he fucked the cat in the costume or not. Does it make it better or worse if he does fuck the cat in the costume? I'd say same. It's the same?

Yeah. Okay. I mean, at one point you thought he was in character. I think it makes it a little better if he's in character. I think so too. It makes it a little better if he's fuck the cat in the costume? I'd say same. It's the same? Yeah. Okay. I mean, at one point, you feel like he's in character. I think it makes it a little better if he's in character. I think so, too. It makes it a little better if he's in character.

Do they all have dick holes? Like, do they all have, like, a hole for their dick to come out of? You might have to request that from the tailor. I mean, that's why it's so expensive. You have to have these specifications. Yeah.

And what about a shit hole? I would definitely ask for a shit hole, but I guess it depends on where you're getting fucked. Or maybe they just shit into the tail. Well, remember that guy, that fucking dude? He traveled with the Jim Rose Circus. He tattooed himself like a leopard.

Right. Yeah. There was a stand-up comedian. That guy doesn't even fuck cats, I bet. No, Catman doesn't fuck cats. There was a stand-up comedian in New York City. I met her at Ochi's Open Mic. There was a place called Comics Comedy Club here in New York City,

and there was a downstairs area. It's called Ochi's. It's all closed down now. She was a stand-up comedian. That was her uncle. Catman was her uncle. And he came to a shop? No, but she met him a couple of times,

and apparently he would come to their family reunions and things. 100% cat, not in character. There's no furry suit. It's just his skin. He's got the pl family reunions and things. 100% cat, not in character. There's no furry suit. It's just his skin. He's got the plucks for the whiskers. He would just take dumps in the middle of the carpet, much like this woman in the supermarket taking a dump there. And he would just lick everybody and do very bizarre cat-like things. And, of course, the family doesn't hang out with him anymore.

Holy shit. Did we just find a correlation between dump woman and cat fucking man? Do you think she – Are they in the same family? It's possible. It is possible. She might have some dog-like, furry-like fetish. You know?

Yeah, it makes sense. See, you know, I feel like fetishes are developed like in an early age. So I think if and when I ever have kids, I'm keeping them away from sporting events and from any children's television. You're just going to lock them up in your attic. Just so they don't become a furry.

That's exactly how they'll develop the thing. That's the thing. No, no, no. They become furries by having close emotional attachments to plush dolls. Okay. I figured it was mascots at sporting events. And they're all mascots. Yeah, yeah.

Because I thought it was maybe the mascot. Like, they'd see that and be like, ooh, that's a sexy little thing over there. Makes sense. I can see that, though. Yeah. Sonic the Hedgehog got some real butt. That's so funny you say that, actually,

because I brought up Loveline. There was also a caller that called in because they were sexually attracted to Sonic the Hedgehog. I have seen so much

Sonic the Hedgehog Rule 34 out there. What? A lot. DeviantArt Rule 34? He's not cute. Rule 34 means that if it exists,

there's porn for it. On the internet, yeah. And I've seen a lot of Sonic the Hedgehog. Specifically on DeviantArt, I've seen a lot of Sonic the Hedgehog porn. What kind of porn do you think is most common as far as the stools go, one through seven? I would say... German scheisser porn.

German scheisser porn? But I would say that solid sausage like poop that you have, Sean. I would say type four, smooth and soft. Oh, you think that's the most popular sort of poop used in porn? Yeah, I would say somewhere between type four and type five, the soft blobs with clear-cut edges. I don't know. All right, let's move on. Sean is visibly disgusted.

I would like to keep the guest here for another 30 minutes at least. You think there's podcast porn? Podcast porn? I don't know. Possibly. Yeah, well what, they're doing a podcast, they just start fucking? Like out there somewhere, is there a Fine Gentlemen's Club fuck meeting where they all pretend to be one of you?

Right. And they have like masks, they have like a Kevin mask and a Hank mask. We gotta find out, any listener if you are involved in Roundtable of Gentlemen style porn, hit us up. Let us know. What's the email address, Marcus? CaveCompanyRadio at gmail.com.

If you want to draw some Roundtable of Gentleman Porn, send it over to us. There you go. Roll 34s, please. They all character play? Yeah. They're all role playing, like, hi, I'm Ben Kishel, and what do you guys think about my big, hard dick? What do you think about my big, hard dick? I don't know. I'm like, hi, I'm Ben Kishel, and what do you guys think about my big, hard dick? What about my big, hard dick?

I don't know. I'm holding. I think my neck's wide enough to take that dick down my throat. Well, this is disgusting. I don't like the way this rule is playing out. It is wide enough. Oh, God. I am visibly about to do number three there on the poo-poo chart.

That is disgusting. It makes me want to shit the idea of holding me nearly stuck in my cock all right marcus what's the next story a booze pilfering drunken feral pig has caused chaos by running amok in an australian campsite and starting a fight with a cow so it's a drunken pig the belligerent porker went on a drunken bender after stealing and drinking three six packs of beer that had been left out by campers. In the predictable series of events that followed, the animal went on to ransack rubbish bin bags to find some late-night snacks before starting a fight with an innocent eyewitness cow.

So I didn't know you were in the news last night when you fucked that girl. Is this like a euphemism? They're talking about a drunk cop and a fat woman? That sounds like it. Euphemism news. We don't tell you the full story. I do like how human the response is for the pig after he slammed down 12 beers. He just went and got a bunch of food and started a fight.

And it goes even further. Following the rampage, the pig decided to swim out into the middle of a river before collapsing drunk under a tree and falling asleep. It's adorable. It's not bad. This is the life cycle of a Tennessee drunk, right? All right, Kissel, let me ask you this, okay? Either you fuck a cat or I suck your dick. What are you going with?

First of all, I mean... What's the difference, cat mouth? Fucking raspy-ass tongue. Yeah, that's the thing. I would rather have the smooth surface of a cat's tongue over your fucking mouth. Holden eats corn just by licking it. They don't call you tuna mouth for nothing, buddy.

That's what I'm saying, man. I'll make you come quick. Who knows how long you'll be doing on that cat. I could not imagine the PTSD that I would experience if there was a sexual situation that I was forced to deal with you. So you're going with the cat? Yeah, I would rather fuck a cat because you can just kill the cat.

Or just let it go. I feel like most women share my sentiment. Me or your mom? Suck your dick. Why are we doing this? I don't know. Neither. Can I say neither? No. How do they know that this

pig drank beers? He just got smashed. How do they know? How do you know that this pig drank beers? He just got smashed. How do they know? And I want to know, how do you keep a fight with a cow? Fiona Finley from the Government Highway Division told ABC that the people camping overnight at the rest area said that, quote, the pig stole their beers, drank them, and then afterwards proceeded to tear apart the Ben Liners. How does the pig grab the beers? The pig just found the beers, and apparently the drunk Australians

thought it was so hilarious, they just let the pig drink 18 beers. Well, they're right. I mean, they're Australians. I also would have let him drink the fucking beers, because you think, what's this pig going to do? You know, I would give him three beers.

At that point, you've had enough, Piggy. Remember, what is that, Hannibal? When they throw the men out into the pigs? The movie Hannibal, yeah. Also, Road Warrior. Not Road Warrior. Mad Max. Beyond Thunderdome. I mean, how did this pig start the fight

with the cow? A poor cow. You know, just hanging out being a cow. Next thing you know a drunken pig. Well, one of the campers said quote, there was some other people camped right on the river and they saw him running around their vehicle being chased by a cow. It was going around and around, and then it went into the river and swam across the middle of the river where it passed out. So the cow booted back up.

Oh, yeah, the cow won. Fuck no, pig-ass motherfucker. Drunk pig. Sounded like that. Yeah, it did. A fucking cow talking shit. Yeah, that's... That pig knew it was fucking up.

Sounds like Eddie Cumming. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, bitch! All right! Yeah, you fucking got it. You got it in your fucking ear. Thank you, buddy.

All right. Wait, wait, wait. Did we tell... Did anyone say where Ed is? Ed's at a wedding. He's at the beach. He's chilling. He's at the beach.

He's with them in Jersey, yeah. He's going to roll back into the ocean right now. Am I right? Because they think he's a dead whale. He's asleep under a fucking tree. Anyway. Hey, Sean, do that moo voice again. Okay.

A pig talking, a cow talking shit. I'll tell you, Ed's over there at the beach getting whaled in, getting rolled into the river. That's kind of funny, though, because it sounds like Ed Cum in there. That's kind of good. Can we be done with the show? How much longer do I have to do it? So I've got at least another half hour.

Another half hour. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. How long have we been on? 34 minutes. 34, okay. We long have we been on? 34 minutes. 34, okay. We spent a long time talking about that furry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Ed being fat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We talked about that for quite a while. What if, what would you, oh, man. What if Ed, okay, it doesn't have to be specifically to Ed, but what would you rather... What was the most... How... I got it. Believe me, this all makes sense in my head.

I'm just trying to put it in there. Right, right, right. If your friends you found out was into something furry-like, what would be the one that you would tolerate the most? The one that you'd be like, that's cool, man. No, I mean like... Holden is already... Holden would look better.

What kind of sex, really? Or, like, what kind of, like, if you found out your friend was, I mean, I'm not talking about gay or straight. I'm talking, like, furry or what's more fucked up than a furry? Like, you know. Shit. Yeah, exactly. Or, like, shit.

Oh, eating poo-poo. Things like that. Like, okay, everyone. If Ben had to be one of these. Okay. Which would we want Ben to be the most? If we had to anoint Ben with a weird fetish. A furry.

My God. You know how hilarious he would look in a furry costume? I would fuck all the furries that would love me. The hottest furry. Exactly. What would you be? A boar. I would have to try something massive.

No, I think a boar. Definitely with the tusks. Are there boar furries? Sure. I think there's a lot of furries out there. Hey, you'd be like, fucking, you are already the most human-like porky pig I've ever met. From Lion King or whatever. Yeah, we could call him, what's his name? Pumba.

All right. Ah, you're aching. Yup, yup, yup, yup. Oh, this is pretty. Sonic the Hedgehog eating pussy. Oh, I like to be that. Sonic the Hedgehog eating pussy. Oh, this is... Sonic the Hedgehog is not attractive. He's cute, though.

No, he's got small eyes. That's evil Sonic there. No, the girl is hot. There you go. Yeah, that's evil Sonic fucking the chicken there. I know how to make it better. What are you? Oh, wow. Oh.

Oh, wow. Oh, so Dick got bit by a snake and she sucked the poison out? Man. I don't understand cartoon porn. That's all the trick in the book. I think all cartoon porn is gross. Is that bad? I would like to see the guys who draw it.

You know what I mean? Why? Just to see what the... Is that Pokemon? I think it is oh Pikachu what is his name look at that it's a game that I'm playing right now

that is a furry sex game that shows what looks like Pikachu fucking some sort of other animal who has pumps on her breasts and I can press a button to make him go faster I can confirm for you right now

that's not Pikachu that's not are you faster. I can confirm for you right now that's not Pikachu. That's not? Are you sure? Oh, I can't remember. That's the end of the game, right? He just blasted all up in a pussy. I just feel like every time you want to watch cartoon porn, why don't you just fucking watch Asian porn?

They all fucking look like that. They're all sad. There we go, finally. They're dead in their fucking There we go, finally. For 37 minutes. Might as well just like, and you can't see the dick go in the fucking V, man. You truly are an animal. You understand what I'm saying, though.

Ah, no. You agree with it, though, right? Do I? I think you fucking do, Kevin. I think a little more than you want to fucking admit. Can we... Can I ask about this?

Why are the Asians obsessed with the tentacle porn? Do we have a reason? Because they can't show penetration. Yeah, because they don't show penetration. So that's like ultimate penetration. That's like every orifice.

Because if they can use tentacles and they don't have to blur it out. Oh. Yeah, but is it the same with the rape stuff? Thank you, Kevin. Yeah. Because I feel like a lot of it is rape. I've actually wondered that myself.

Have you ever jacked off to anime porn, any sort of tentacle situation? I've been there. I was a big fan of Dragon Ball Z and Naruto, a couple things, man. So yeah, I've had some experience. You have? Yeah. Charlie, man. Street Fighter.

Yeah, I've jerked off to anime porn a couple times. It's not a regular thing, but you know, every once in a while, why not? Jackie's looking at you like you're a fucking villain right now. That's fine. I'm not happy about it. No, I've jerked off a lot of times in my life, and it's not going to be normal every time. But is it more dialogue driven when you jack off to anime porn? I mean, because the physical thing is just a man.

Look, you don't look at me as an honest man, an American. White. Purebred. Who looks at you like that? No, I'm saying right now. I'm saying be honest. Look at me right now as a purebred white American. I can't not.

Look at Ken. I always look at you as a purebred white. Tell me that you don't want to fuck Chun-Li. Tell me that. I would love to fuck Chun-Li, but Chun-Li's not real. I mean, she's pixelated. She's not a video game character. So what other option do you have?

You can't fly somewhere and find her and fucking trick her into having sex with you. She'll kill you. She'll beat you up. You can go down to fucking Chinatown and buy her. Everyone just remember Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Yes. Yes. There you go. She's fucking hot. I will give you Who Framed Roger. I Yes. Yes. There you go.

She's fucking hot. I will give you Who Framed Roger Rabbit. I would watch the shit out of just Roger Rabbit. But the cartoons could fuck the real people in that world.

That's true. Roger Rabbit was up in her, right? That's what I expected LA to be like when I moved there. Right. Well, the fake tits of the porn stars out there

are close to cartoonish. What about that? Would you do that if we had a cartoon parallel universe sort of like a cool world as well? Yes! Who would?

I don't know! What is it like? Okay, what is Jessica Rabbit's pussy actually like? Well, I guess we're watching it now. Thank you, Marcus. Marcus has pulled it up on the screen here. Well, she is a true champ. We are watching Jessica Rabbit give Roger Rabbit a blowjob right now.

And with the titties there in between. I can't say she's not that good at it. Sean, what do you think it would actually feel like to have sex with a... What does that pussy feel like? Of a goddamn cartoon character? She's not good at it. It must be papery. I feel like it would be bad at it.

I feel like it feels like she looks. See what I'm saying? Right. So it's like, you recognize she's not real. Sure. But she looks good. It's well drawn. Right. And it's like, you recognize she's not real. Sure. But she looks good. It's well drawn. Right.

And there is like a sort of attractive element. So I feel like a cartoon vagina, it doesn't feel real. Right. But it feels close. You would say squishy though? I bet it would feel like a pocket pussy. You think like a pocket pussy? Yeah, like a flashlight.

No, I feel like if your dick could have pop rocks. So if you had a bowl of pop rocks and stuck your dick inside of it. But not the rock part, just the tingly sensation. Okay, sure. Absolutely. I am thoroughly disgusted by this conversation. Oh, really? Racist, sexist, jackass.

The one who opened with a prayer to the Lord about her sloppy puss. Well, yeah, because my fucking sloppy puss is real, and it's fucking open, gaping, hole of sand. Let me ask you this, Kevin. Yeah, it is. It's disgusting. But you only got bitches that's friends with y'all do want to fuck vampires, men, and bitches.

What? Those were not. What? What? Okay, Marcus, can you call 911? We need an EMT. Kevin just had a stroke. Bitches, vampires. Bitches and vampires.

I can't wait until you're 95 years old and we're at the retirement home together. Bitches and vampires. Everybody know that. Kevin would like some more pudding. That's what that means. I'm going to go home, man. It's fine.

Well, someone else has to be terrible on this podcast as well. Bitch friends with a fucking vampire. That's what he was saying. Is that what the question was? What do you mean? Yes, that may have been exactly what I was trying to say. No, I'm too old for fucking Twilight. Oh, are you?

Give me a fucking cartoon. Give me Prince Eric. That's it. That's the only fucking cartoon. Prince Eric from Little Mermaid. Oh, Prince Eric from Little Mermaid. Because he looks like a real fucking person. But like, just grab it.

Well, I can make that happen for you at rockharddisney.com. made. Because he looks like a real fucking person. But like, just grab it. Well, I can make that happen for you at rockharddisney.com. I've fucking seen all of it. I've fucking seen it all.

All right. One last question. Kevin, when you're playing, what is Chun-Li, she's Street Fighter, right? So is it playing

the game and then you pause the game and jack off to her or do you watch porn where she's more glorified? Well, they give you like,

especially in the newer ones, they give you pant, especially in the newer ones, they give you panty shots when she does certain kicks and she pauses there. It's about the mystique, man. It's like, what's under there?

Have you guys ever... Who is this? Oh, no, this is Chun-Li there. Yeah, yeah. Taking a fist in her ass, a fist in her pussy, and a dick in her mouth. I would say they exaggerated

her breasts a little bit there. She's all chained up. I don't think they did exaggerate her breasts, dude. She's got huge ees. Yeah. And here is Balrog fucking Chun-Li in the ass while saying,

Ching Chong Chang. I like that. A little racist. I feel like in that picture, Balrog is me. I relate to that shit. Is that Balrog? That's Balrog. Yeah.

I thought it was Jax. You know how Balrog was supposed to be Mike Tyson? Yeah, yeah. M. Bison was supposed to be Balrog, and Balrog was supposed to be M. Bison. Yeah, they switched names. It was supposed to be M. Tyson. There's a whole situation. Oh, I just said Street Fighter documentary.

It was good times. Mike Tyson did a very similar thing that Balrog was doing in that picture there, and that's why he could no longer be known as M. Tyson. He raped a woman. He's a rapist. He's a rapist. Mike Tyson. All right, next story.

He's a rapist. Let's definitely do the next story. Let's talk about Mike Tyson. I've been informed, though. Yeah, very informed. The world's smallest pony has been snatched from a horse show in central Italy. Oh, man. What happened to it?

How small was it? 63 centimeters. Wait. Those damn horse fucking furries. What's that in feet? Please tell me not to picture that. Yeah, we're going to have to do some centimeter. I don't know.

We don't know the metric system. That's two feet. Two feet. That's a very tiny horse. That's two feet. Two feet. Very tiny horse. Oh, that's a small pony. That's the world's smallest pony. A spokesperson for the fair told the local they suspected the novelty steed called Charlie would be held for ransom. Oh, my.

Oh, wow. They're fucking that pony. That's fucking fascinating, man. If there was a pony, fuck. Yeah, you want to go to more zoos, Kevin? Yeah, I need to go to more zoos, man. I agree. Zoos and aquariums. I haven't been to that shit in a fascinating, man. If there was a pony, fuck. Yeah, you want to go to more zoos, Kevin? Yeah, I need to go to more zoos, man. I agree. Zoos and aquariums.

I haven't been to that shit in a while, man. I mean, this is the pony you steal, though, right? The world's smallest pony. Of course. You're not stealing the world's largest pony. That's a very difficult thing to do. Can't hide that. It should have been more smaller than a horse, so it probably wouldn't be that interesting.

Sure, exactly. It's just a- The largest pony, yeah. Right. It's an inferior animal. In a statement issued this afternoon, Angelo Capici, president of the horse show, describes the theft as a, quote, very serious criminal act that offends and humiliates all in the horse world.

In the horse world. I agree. In the horse world. And how do I get a ticket to the horse world? Poor horse world. I'm going to go to the horse world. You were born into the fucking horse world. Yeah. I'll tell you right now, man. You've got dual citizenship in the horse world. Poor horse world. I want to go to the horse world. You were born into the fucking horse world. Yeah.

I'll tell you right now, man. You've got dual citizenship in the horse world. I'll tell you right now, for some reason, there was a period for about six months when I was about 12

where I did purchase a couple copies of a magazine entitled Horse Illustrated. Really? What was Horse Illustrated all about? Nice pictures?

Oh, man, just about all types of different breeds of horses and them jumping over things. It was very nice. That is fascinating. Is that when you were shoveling shit? Yeah.

There was a lot of road service. In the Chinese Zodiac, I am Year of the Horse. Oh, for real? Let's hang out, man. Were you ever in Horse Illustrated, Chuck? I was not. Are you the Zodiac killer? I am not.

I'm pretty cool. I know. Horses are dope, man. Yeah, dude. Horse Illustrated was a fascinating publication. Was anybody here born in 1982? Yes. I'm a 1981 guy.

You're 82? I'm 82. You're also year of the horse. Wow. We knew that. I'm 82. I'm cock. I'm year of the cock.

I'm 83. I'm year of the boar. Year of the boar? Ah. Getting drunk and fucking with cows, aren't we? Yeah. Yeah. Not bad.

Not bad. I'm a rabbit. Well, you're adorable. I like how everyone knows their Chinese accent. I'm an ox. I'm a tiger, dude. Yeah, you are. So many differences.

We're all represented here. That's right. What did you learn? What was the most important thing you learned from Horse Illustrated? What was the most important thing I learned? When everyone else was reading Sports Illustrated, then you showed up to school with Horse Illustrated? What was the most important thing I learned? Like when everyone else was like reading Sports Illustrated, and then you showed up to school with Horse Illustrated.

That must have been a nightmare. Here's the thing about me reading Horse Illustrated. I didn't really read so much articles as much as I looked at those great pictures of horses. Well, that's what a lot of people say about Playboy because they jack off to the photos. Still in print, Horse Illustrated being put out to this day. Oh, okay. Barnett, how long did you get Horse Illustrated for? It was a little less

than a year, but I was very happy with it. I don't know why, of all the things I've heard about you, this makes me worry about you most.

Hey, look, I would still have that subscription. I just ran out of money, man. Oh, that's so sad. You bought this with your own money?

Oh, I purchased them on my own, yeah. Look, Kevin grew up in Florida, okay? It's an awful state. No horses in Florida, though. The fact that looking at horses instead of things you could have been doing. Hey, listen, I like it.

I'm proud of you. I love it a lot, man. Were your parents ever concerned that you wanted to get a horse illustrator? Or they thought you were on the right path? They honestly didn't know about it. There was a lot of things where I asked my parents if I could do or be a part of. Right. They shut me down real quick.

Let me tell you something. I'm first generation Jamaican. They don't like you doing shit that's outside the box. I agree. I'm first generation German. It's the same thing. I asked my dad. I was like, yo, I was a little like, yo, man, I want to do some gymnastics, learn some flips.

He called me gay, wouldn't let me do it. Oh, yeah. Fuck you, dad. I'm going to read a horse magazine. Well, that's fine, son. Nothing gay about horses. And that's why you watch fucking people flipping on YouTube for hours every Saturday. Yeah, exactly. Could have been me.

I could have been out there, man. In the September 2013 issue of Horse Illustrated, some of the cover stories 45 ways to make your barn safer. 45, man. That's a lot of ways. How unsafe is your barn safer. 45, man. That's a lot of ways. How unsafe is your barn to begin with?

Put a door on it. I want to fill it with hay. Spotlight on Appaloosa history. Okay. And lope with confidence. Lope. And what is loping? Loping is like somewhere between a trot and a gallop.

What about, you ever watch the dressage? I think they have that on the horse shows. Dancing horses. Yeah, it's where they walk fancily. Yes, at medieval times when we went, we watched some dressage, as you say, some horse maneuvers. Apparently it's not good horse maneuvers. That's great. Here's something that you may be able to answer, Holden.

It says stable vices explained. It says stable vices explained. What are stable vices? But answer it as a horse, please. Stable vices. Yes. Okay. I did not know that. Very informative. Thank you, Holden. informative Thank you Holden Very nice Holden McNeely

The world's foremost expert On barking horses You know the barking horses Of the Appalachian Mountains Yeah We all know about that The Appalachian Whatever

He sided off The barking horse It's the thing They're the only ones That can traverse a cave By trotting upside down Right Yeah

Kevin and just real quick, just to close out here on your horse story, how old were you when you were getting horse magazines? About 12. Okay, that's an acceptable age. That seems like a weird age for a horse, because that seems like a sexually awakening time. It was.

Again, he didn't read the articles, he looked at the pictures. That's why you're such good friends with the Holden. Now it all makes sense. Look, man, I had lived in Miami my whole life, you know, around Cubans and a bunch of niggas and shit, Haitians and whatnot. And then we moved up to Palm Beach and all of a sudden we're around all this land, all these horses, niggas, me, by myself, that's what I mean by niggas.

We're riding around on a bicycle and trying to get some carrots. And it's because horses were just around, man. I'm going to feed them shits to the horses. And they'd be like, oh, really appreciate it. But I didn't have my own. This is really getting sad. This seems like a Pixar movie at this point right now. I'm about to need to see this animated.

This is a great Pixar movie. I'm about to cry. Yo, I didn't have my own. And I couldn't look at them at night because there wasn't even no didn't have my own, and I couldn't look at them at night because there wasn't no streetlights out there. Why would you need to look at them at night? Love the horses, Marcus. Leave them alone.

I just mean specifically at night. A black man from Miami can't just go look at a horse in the daylight. Let him alone. Got to do it at night. This is real life, man. This is real life. I know. This is fantastic.

Niggas can't just be showing up at people's houses at night touching on their horses and whatnot. You gotta have magazines for that. Howdy, have you noticed the new black kid, Kevin, is really kind of looking at her horses at night. It's a little bit creepy. I don't know what to do about it. Just call it horse night.

Horse night. Horse night, yeah. It was a weird neighborhood, man. My neighbor across the canal, he had... There was a canal? There was a canal. The canal ran through the neighborhood like a river. And so my neighbor across the canal, he had llamas.

He had three llamas, a couple horses, some parents, and a monkey. And I would just sit there at the edge of the canal and just watch. You ever get spit on? Better neighbor. Watch and wish. You ever get spit on by the llamas? Nah, man. They fucking wouldn't even deal with me, dude.

Every time I went out there, they just went under their little tent and just sat there like some fucking bitch-ass motherfuckers. And I was like, all right, this is what you all are going to do? Fine. I'm going to post up. Do the llamas ever scream at you? I'm going to post up. That's the most adorable story I've ever heard in my life.

Wait, what would you name your horse? What would I name my horse? Ooh. Marzipan. Ooh, Marzipan. Very good name. Like the sugary treat? The German chocolate. Yeah, the German candy. Like an almond-y thing.

Oh, that's great. Well, it's very informative. This has been a great episode. Yeah, it's weird that I haven't said shit about this earlier. Well, I don't know if you've ever had a horse. Yeah, it's the NPR portion. We've educated our audience

and now we're doing a little NPR. People learned a lot about me today. Yeah. That's good. That's good. I feel uncomfortable.

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable? Not at all. No, I feel fine. I feel like I've never been closer to Kevin. Yeah, I wish the automobile was never invented and we all just rode horses still.

I agree with that. I'd be down. I really enjoyed the film Black Stallion or whatever it was called. It was really nice. Did you enjoy it? What about War? What about War Horse? It was about a black stallion.

What was it? What was it? It was about War Horse. Oh, War Horse. Oh, I didn't see War Horse. At that point, I was out of it. Yeah, he grew out of it. Out of the game.

He grew out of it. All right, so there's a small donkey here, and it's being kidnapped right now. Hopefully, it gets back to its owners. Marcus, any other stories we want to cover today? A businessman in Nigeria died after being raped to death by five of his six wives. I love it. Whoa. Well, I don't even understand how that works.

Yeah! Fucking yeah, bitches! Were his wives horses by any chance? Man, what did they fuck him with? I think it was just him fucking him. No, forks. I feel like if there's a way to rape a man to death, it is forks. How would you use a fork to rape a man, Jackie?

What do you fucking think I would do with the fork? I want to hear it from your mouth. What the fuck? I'd check and see if he was done. I'm looking over your shoulder and reading this. I'm like, this is bad stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go through this.

Oroko Anaja partied at a bar in Ugbugbu, Nigeria. Sure. Do you have to say it like a retard? Make it dumber. Maybe it's Ugbugbu. That? Bugaboo. Ugbugbu.

Ugbugbu. Ugbugbu. I feel like that's a pronunciation that would probably have like a sound or a clicking sound. You know what I mean? Ugbugbu. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah.

Until the wee hours of the morning in July, when he returned home, he decided to have sex with his youngest wife. However, his five other wives became jealous and barged into his master bedroom. The women were armed with knives and sticks and began attacking the man. They eventually forced Onaja to have sex with him as well.

He had sex with four of his wives in a row, but once the fifth wifeaja to have sex with him as well. He had sex with four of his wives in a row, but once the fifth wife approached to have sex with Onaja, he stopped breathing and eventually died. The five wives who forced Onaja to have sex ran into the woods, and two of them have been arrested.

That's it. He wasn't man enough. It honestly sounds like he was... So you think this guy, Jackie, you think this man deserved to die? And you could argue he almost had a good death. If you have five wives, you better be fucking man enough to get through all in one fucking gun. We had six. Yeah, six all together. You should be able to bang, bang, bang.

And if you fucking can't, you deserve to fucking die, you piece of shit. So that's the rule. You can have as many wives as you want as long as you're able to fuck every single one of them every single night. Yeah, that's why you're allowed

to have like half of a wife, Kissel. Me, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's where I'm going with that. But is it, now is it still rape if it's the wives? They brought knives and bats in.

I think it's rape. They're being charged. I want to give this guy credit for getting hard because he did fuck five out of the six, which hell, I mean, that's not damn bad. Four out of this guy credit for getting hard because he did fuck five out of the six, which, hell, I mean, that's not damn bad. Four out of the five.

Well, actually, he did fuck five out of the six because he was fucking the youngest of them first and the other four came in. Wow. Yeah, they're being charged with rape and murder. Don't get that many. Poor girls. Now, how are they being charged with murder? Do they actually stab him or beat him?

It sounds to me like he had a heart attack. Yeah, well, that's Africa for you. What? Who's in Africa? It is a fucked up place, man. The niggas came from there. I mean, this guy must be very, very wealthy, though, right? I mean, this is the place that still charges people with witchcraft

constantly. Yeah. Africa's laws are strange, my friend. What province of Africa? What country in Africa? Nigeria. Any horses in Nigeria? Probably a few. A couple.

Probably. Most likely. I would assume so. All right. It's time for a segment from Hope McNeil. Young adult novels, you bitches. Do everything like a horse from now on, because it's actually better than your voice. So the segment today is Marcus is a multi-billion dollar book publisher, and we're going to pitch him our young adult novel ideas.

Marcus's only stipulation is that this novel must be banned from every high school and library in the country. So I'll go first, as usual. My novel's called Fun Mommy and Downy Jim. It's about a little boy with Down syndrome, and he wants to try to make fun with the ladies, but they don't like his nice-nice. So Mommy has to decide to maybe give him a little nice-nice so we can see what it's like.

So it starts off like they just kind of go on trial dates together and stuff like that you know mother son nights but they sort of like you know treat it like a faux like this is what it's like to be with like a girl girl and down and downy jim is like yay like girl girl me like girl girl right sure so then but then it escalates and gets more and more and mommy's like maybe i should give first rub rub to Downey Jim. You know, my boy, my baby boy. And then Downey Jim's like, me would love rub rub. Me love rub rub. Right?

So Downey Jim has some understanding of rub rub already. Oh, he's been rub rubbing, my friend. I'm guessing that's maybe chapter four to five. Yeah, easily. Yeah. Okay. Chapter fucking page eight. So anyways, Yeah, easily. Chapter fucking page eight. So anyways, Downey Jim.

Chapter fucking page eight. That's the name of chapter two is chapter fucking page eight. You have to read the book weird. You have to flip to different pages. Like a choose your own adventure type thing? Like a choose your own adventure, but there's no page numbers, and you just have to figure out where are the other pages. Because you have to read it like you have you know down

syndrome yeah so downy jim finally gets mommy's rub rub and he loves it fucking loves it so then he's like oh maybe mommy could just do like um make make downy jim go go um give good make uh with mouth and with other things, right? So then we get... I don't know if the book is going where we want it to go. No, I almost don't want...

I feel like, Holden, you just do this and then you just... And it's probably very hard to summarize this on the back of a book. Yeah, extremely hard. No.

One boy's journey into sexuality as aided by his loving mother. That's the thing, and at the end of it, he rescues all the Jews from the concentration camps. Okay, that's what I like. I do like where it fucking ends.

It's set in Poland. Hitler's Nazi Germany. So it's set in, say, Poland, 1943. And that fucking mom's tits. Anyways, it's a good read, and it'll definitely get banned. So I would recommend it. I like that, but I love a good Holocaust angle. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay, so my book is called Kevin Barnett Fucks the Loch Ness Monster and All Yo' Bitches. It is actually a way sadder story than most would think. It starts off, I fucked a Loch Ness Monster. Victory. And then I go in and I start fucking everybody's bitches, all their girlfriends, their moms, their just bitches. I fuck all of them. But then it starts to be a thing where people are like,

well, you know, it's kind of a technicality. You said, bitches, you can fuck these female dogs, and I have to start fucking dogs. And then I do that, and I don't like that shit. And then I started getting involved with all types of different sexually transmitted diseases, and I started questioning my relationship with God, and it just keeps spiraling and spiraling and spiraling

until finally it just ends with me as a dude at a circus trying to ride on the blimp, and it just doesn't work for me. And, you know, a lot of people ask a lot of questions and I get really annoyed. That's great. I like that. I gotta ask, okay, most young adult novels they teach some sort of lesson.

What lesson does this teach? Mine is how much fun mom is. Yeah, I know that one. The lesson is you can't have all the bitches human or otherwise all the time. Wow, that is a good lesson is you can't have all the bitches human or otherwise all the time. That's my lesson. Wow, that is a good lesson, though. That's a pretty good lesson.

That is a good lesson. But that is definitely going to get banned, though. A little bit of a tear. Yeah. Oh, it's my turn. Yes. Exciting. I always do so well with these.

I'm going to say the jokes that I didn't do well tonight. That'll be a book. So the dog plus what was it? Trilogy. Hey. So a series. Come on, Ben. Step it up.

Sean, that was. R.L. Stine of Dirty. Right now. Go. Gold. No, no. I would say. Creepy Crawly Monster Reaps Teeny Tiny Girl.

Creepy Crawly monster reaps rapes teeny tiny girl. The legend of the loose skin. Ew. That is Ben Kislow. So, Hidden Temple. Again,

thank you so much for coming up for my, they come up with the segments for me. I know, I was going to say the dog plus dog thing, getting married, and then,

then there's a story about Ed being a big fan of the beach, getting rolled into the beach. You might as well have just fucking rolled down your pants and fucking took a dookie in the fucking milk aisle, man.

What happened? That's what you're doing right now. You're fucking a middle-aged woman fucking this fucking segment. I'm not fucking this segment. Okay, no, I'm not fucking this segment. No, I am saying

I don't know, like the children's book No, I'm not fucking this time. No, I am saying... I don't know. The children's book would be a book about my life, and then you have to... I don't know. Kids, why don't you go home, man? We're just going to put Ben down for an absent. No, not absent!

I'm trying to think of that. That would be a pretty bad book, just no book. Yeah, just no book. The worst book. Not getting published. It can't get, but, oh, well, then it can't get banned. Yeah, it can't get banned. Okay.

Doug, what do you got? Okay. Well, I was thinking about it. Talk in the microphone. Everybody knows that the best teen books are usually sleuths, and you know, you got to make the main characters teenagers as well. Encyclopedia Brown, Baby Shirt is Close. You got Nancy Drew.

You got the Hardy Boys. And they always got good crimes to solve. And if you really want to make money off the book, you have to think about long term. What's this going to be in the series? So maybe like a pair of teenagers solving some kind of crimes. And then I was thinking about So maybe like, you know, a pair of teenagers, you know, solving some kind of crimes, you know.

And then I was thinking about, you know, one kind of like maybe the first introductory novel could be like, well, I read this story about the Hardy Boys and they discovered that these professional wrestlers are doing steroids and stuff. So, you know, but we got to make this band, this book band. So maybe my book was them into vampires or something. I don't know. Vampire cell, dog. I also like the horror aspect of this. You want to buy that? Well, this is not the springboard story, springboard segment that you wanted to.

Let me recap. So let me get. So this is a book about. I mean, Doug pitched that book like he was a dude from space. All right. So it's a book about a couple of teenage detectives who investigate professional wrestlers using steroids, but they're also vampires. It's going to sell, my friend.

It will sell, but the whole point is that it doesn't. That's the one to beat. Jesus Christ. The Bitey Boys. The Bitey Boys. You live in Twin Peaks, right? You live there? That was just words, man.

That was good, though. I thought it was a good amount of words. Definitely. All right, Jackie. Okay. I don't know how you will best that. All right. So mine's going to be a fucking series.

It's called Gulag High. And basically it's like the honor society, which is all the fucking hot, tight bitches in the school, in the fucking middle of Siberia they take the girls they want to bring every like chat like every new addition is about taking the new fucking young blood

bring them out to the gulags out into the like the countryside of Russia and it's all like the torrid affairs how they have to like fuck all the officers and like basically give them an obstacle course of how to get through a gulag. But at the end, they get to marry the officer.

And by get to, I mean are forced to. Oh, right. Because they're impregnated with their child. So every issue is like a different way to like, like, let's get this fucking 12 year old girl in here. Let's make her be like frozen to death so she can't eat anything. Force her to fuck this guy.

And then she wins. Okay. What age group are you targeting with this? Oh, 10 to 95. 10 to 95, a nice window there for sales. I'm a young adult, but able to be read by everyone through the generations.

95 is the new 12. Yeah, man, you are correct. Gulag High. Gulag High. All right, Sean. Oh, Jesus. Story about a young man, high school, sort of a loser, sort of an introvert. He lies.

He drops out of high school, lies, joins the army, goes to war, becomes a war hero, but he's in a coma. And while he's in a coma, it's revealed that he's a hermaphrodite. Oh, okay. So when he comes to, they're like, hey, you have to take a leave of absence. You hermy, you hermaphrodite. And the army're like, hey, you have to take a leave of absence. You hear me. You're hermaphrodite. And the army's like, well, well, okay. One of the scientists for the army is like, hey, I don't think that's fair.

Look, I have a time machine that I can't tell anyone about, but I can travel. I can help you go back. Also, the boy was an orphan. He's like, I don't know who my parents were. He's like, we could go find out who your parents were. So get into the time machine, and they go find out who your parents were. So I get into the time machine and they go back in time and he sees that his dad...

Well, you just said I get back into the time machine. No, he does. The boy, the hermaphrodite. He gets in the time machine. They go back in time to see what his dad was and they see that his dad was the first ever furry. The first ever. And what he would do is he would fuck cats before he fucked his wife

And it was all that cat DNA All over his dick That when it mixed With the human DNA That's what made him A hermaphrodite So he has a cat pussy He has a cat

Well no He just has a normal Human pussy Okay But also But also But a cat corkscrew dick Right right

So then Right right So when he goes back When he goes back To the present, then he tries to get in the time machine. He has to decide if he can go back in the time machine to stop himself from originally getting in the time machine

to find out who he really is. And it would be called the furlough. Wow. Very intense. Absolutely. Or Slaughterhouse-69. Yeah! Slaughterhouse-69. Very intense. Absolutely. Or science, man. I like science. Or Slaughterhouse-69. Yeah!

I do like Slaughterhouse-69. I'm buying that book. I'm reading that at a very young age. That's basically saying be who you are and don't ask any questions. Fuck yeah. That's right. Okay, Marcus, we're going to need your overall impression of this book. Here's what I'm going to do.

Since I am a multi-billionaire. I've got a few different publishing wings here. I think I'm going to commission the furlough for my actual publishing company. We're going to put this out as a full-length novel, my friend. No young adult here. We're going to go serious here. Sweet. Wow.

For our banned book, we're going to go for Gulag High. Wow. I can't believe I won. Sort of. Well, we're going to go for Gulag High. Wow. Gulag High. We're going to go. Sort of. Well, we're going to go for. Downy Jim, nothing. Okay.

I'm sorry. We're going to go for Gulag High as far as the banned book goes, but for my actual young adult print that will make it into the library. Come on, man. Turn up. Swag. And that will be a bestseller. Okay.

Downy Bitey Boys. Bitey Boys. Bite up the swag. And that will be a bestseller. Okay? Downy Bitey Boys. Bitey Boys. Bitey Boys win. The Bitey Boys is going to be a multi-trillionaire. Yeah, that's a gem. The Downy Gym is the one we're going to print on pamphlets to frame professors. Like, look at this literature they read. I mean, I'm going to start writing Gulag High tonight

You should Because actually that's a pretty good idea Alright Jack is a Browsky Hold on me Neely I thought your idea was really wonderful Downey Jim for life Kevin your idea was great

Kevin Barnett One of the best ideas In the past 10 years That's right Of course Doug Austin Thanks so much for being here And Sean Patton Thank you so much

For being here This comes out on Monday, thank you so much for being here. This comes out on Monday. Is there anything going on for you this week that you want to talk about or anything that we should know? This comes out tomorrow? Yeah. It comes out tomorrow. Come to Cabin on Thursday. Yes.

If you live in Toronto, I will be at JFL 42 from the 23rd to the 28th of September performing at, I'm not sure. Look at the website, but it's my own hour set. Perfect. All right. That's really all. Go to Toronto. Move to Toronto. We got some Canadian listeners.

They might run out. Cabin East Village, New York City. It's, what is it, 2nd Avenue between 4th and 5th. That's it. Every Thursday, it's a goddamn perfect comedy show

at 9 o'clock on Thursdays. And that's Marcus Parks and I'm Ben Kessler. We'll talk to you soon. Good night.