The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 164: Boy Meets Meat

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man attacks his stepdad with a sword over a missing can of shrimp, deadly hornets are attacking the nation of China, and a pedophile priest tries to sex the gay away with teenage boys. Joining us today: Steve Pasieka aka Skulk the Hulking!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Civility. I'm so happy to be recording. It's a pleasant moment. She's just pleasant. Yeah, it's beautiful. My life's great. I'm like, Amara, I just think of like a beautiful day.

Yeah, like a heaven-set day. Like the beach, you know, like a beach house. She's got a Bill Withers song. Yeah. Yeah. Lovely day. Lovely day. Lovely day. Lovely day. Lovely day.

Lovely day. Just the two of us. Oh yeah. We can make it. Just the two of us. She's alone. You saved Marcus and I. You and I are alone. She's never going to love you again.

Marcus, is there a prayer you're going to make me start the show on? I'm alone. He's all alone. I'm doing very well. People really enjoy our programs, and they enjoy a lot of our thoughts. Marcus, what do you have to say for prayer? I have a dog's prayer. That's nice.

Perfect for Kissel. Yeah, this is for you. This is going to make you feel better, Ben. Thank you. Treat me kindly, my beloved friend. For no heart in the entire world is more grateful for your kindness than mine. Don't be angry with me for long, and don't lock me up as punishment. Oh my God, that's so sad.

After all, you have your job, and your friends, and your entertainment. I only have you. Amen. Dog's prayer. Oh, man. Dogs are the fucking best. They're so much better than people. But if they fucking misbehave,

you gotta lock their ass up. Lock them up. Well, I mean, take it easy. Take it easy. That was very sweet, though. That really articulated my relationship Yeah, if you think, I was gonna say,

if you think about it metaphorically, it sounds like you, man. I'm a dog. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and she has her whole life, and she has a really great career and she had all these other things. She's making a bunch of money.

Yeah. But you only had her. And so that's why she fucking left your ass. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the roundtable.

All right. It's been a fun one so far. I assume it's only going to get worse for me from here. Worse for me from here. It's like I would say I'm sorry, but I'm not. I'm not. No, it is, yeah. All right, well, who's around the round table?

Let's do the name thing that we always do, even though everybody knows who we are. Jackie Dabrowski, work hard, play hard, niggas. Whoa, Kevin, is that okay? I mean, I'm too tired to care. I'm not going to let you do it again, though, Jackie. Ed Larson. Cracker.

That's fine. Holder McNally. Me so horny. That's fine. This is a terrible podcast. I'm really confused. Kevin Barnett. Kill every race but black.

Fun times. It's a good television show. Kill every race butt blank. Sounds pretty good. In the Chuckle Hut, we got Steve Paseka, Paseka, a.k.a. Steve Paseka, Paseka, a.k.a. Skulk the Hulk. And thanks for being here, Skulkers. What's up, guys? Thanks for having me.

Absolutely. Anything you want to say? Nothing at all. He has been rocking this Beavis and Butthead shirt for two days in a row. Two days in a row. I forgot. I just threw on whatever the fuck I had. Beavis and Butthead shirts, you can't wear them for less than two days.

Yeah, that's a fact. There's a certain loser quality to a Beavis and Butthead shirt that you have to fulfill once you put it on. Ren and Stimpy, you can wear longer. Oh, yeah. Picky in the brain for a month. in Stimpy you can wear longer. Oh yeah, pinky in the brain for a month.

It's a direct correlation to cartoon duos. For how long? I used to know a crackhead. His name was Nigger Ray. What is going on? He made us call him that. Where is this? Did I ever talk

about, and I probably told y'all it before, but on Clematis Street, there was a bum who called himself Flippin' Niggas George. Oh, really? Yeah. And you pay him a dollar, he'd do backflips down the street. That's great. Yeah. Wow.

No, it was great. And he'd make everybody had to call him Flippin' Niggas George. Like, people would be uncomfortable. Like the whitest people? Yeah, yeah. They'd be uncomfortable. Like, hey, I ain't trying to cause no problems. Flippin' Niggas George. Like the whitest people? Yeah, yeah. They'd be uncomfortable. Like, hey, I ain't trying to cause no problems. Flippin' Niggas George.

Right. My guy always had a Peaky in the Brain shirt on. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's where that association came from. Right, right, right. Stunk like shit. I bought him a deodorant one time. Oh, that's very nice of you.

Did he use it? No. Yeah. No. Mr. Ray. Mr. Ray. He's still around probably. No, no. He's very nice of you. Did he use it? No. Yeah. Mr. Ray. Mr. Ray. He's still around probably. No, no.

He's definitely dead. Yeah. I watched him make crack in the kitchen we worked at. How did he make the crack? With saran wrap, baking soda, and cocaine. What was he doing in your kitchen? He was a co-worker. Selling Ed Craig.

Yeah, I see. Yeah, and I had to work with him. He was a salad boy with me. He was 30 and I was 16. Salad boy. You know your life is bad when you're the salad boy at 30. That's not good. Well, I mean, you pick up shit for a living.

Yeah, that's true. That's true. I'm a dog daddy at 32. No, anyway, Mara's really into me. I feel like she's going to take me on any day now. For those that have been listening to all the programs over the past years, you've really seen the ups and downs of my relationship with Miss Mara. Dear God.

Remember how good she was to you, though, for such a long time? Does she listen to the show? No, no. I'm Ben Kissel, and then with us we have Marcus Parks with some news stories that aren't related to our personal lives, nor Ed's violent racism. A 34-year-old man was held without bond after deputies say he tried to kill his mother and went after a stepdad with a sword in a fight that started over a missing can of shrimp. Give the man a shrimp. Can of shrimp?

A can of shrimp. You shouldn't can shrimp. Give the man a shrimp. Can of shrimp? A can of shrimp. You shouldn't can shrimp. Jason P. Loffman was arrested at his North Furwood Drive home in Deltona, Florida. Deltona? Deltona. Have you heard of it? It's south of Daytona. Is it really?

Yeah. It's just there's Daytona so popular and it already is shitty and scummy. Yeah. So imagine what Deltona is like. Oh, yeah. A worse or Daytona? Yeah, yeah. A worse or daytona? Yeah, yeah. That's not good.

You can't say the word daytona and not sound like a dirty redneck. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daytona. It sounds like a foot fungus. Yeah. You know? It sounds like something you have breathing between your toes. Yeah, oh, baby, I got a bad case of daytona.

Why don't you come into the dark, filthy bathroom with me and we can get it off of me. Oh, well that is the only medical procedure to cure Daytona though. So that actually makes a lot of sense. When questioned, Loughman stated that he went into, quote, code red and couldn't remember much of what had happened during the argument. According

to the arrest report, it all started around 8.30 a.m. that day. A can of tuna for breakfast. Shrim day. A can of tuna for breakfast. Shrimp. Shrimp. Shrimp. A can of shrimp for breakfast. It's got to be at least $4. Oh, that's expensive. No, that's like a dollar. No, it's like 55 cents a can of shrimp. $2 for tuna?

No, shrimp is cheaper than tuna. Shrimp ain't cheaper than tuna. No way. Skulk, you're a disgusting monster, much like myself. You ever have a can of shrimp for breakfast? I've never. You know how much a like myself. Do you ever have a can of shrimp for breakfast? I've never. You know how much a can of shrimp- I can have a can of tuna for breakfast.

You know how much a can of shrimp costs, smartass? $32.49. Wow. Get out of here. Get out of here. That is not true. That's true. That food is sword worthy.

Yeah. I guess it is. It seems like it. It's a $32 canned shitty meat. Look, I'm looking at it right now. Yeah, but I put canned shit in it. Don't know why. That's pet food.

That's really expensive pet food. Oh. Yeah. But you can also get- $32 for pet food? That's a lot. But that's normal, though. That's reasonable.

We see canned oysters all the time. Yeah. Yummy, yummy, yummy. Oh, so gross. I'm sure they were tasty. What are you disgusted about, Skull? Canned oysters? I guess.

It's fine. I don't know. It sounds weird. You always do about, Skulk? Canned oysters? I guess. It's fine. I don't know. It sounds weird. You always do, but you eat lots of foreign meats. I'd try it. Yeah. I mean, I'd eat it. It's good.

Yeah. It's surprisingly good. Sounds rough. Do you stuff a little tiny fork? No, but it's really slimey. I like tiny forks, man. Yeah, where do you get those tiny forks from? What do you do with the tiny fork?

You stab the oysters with it. I use this to eat. Yeah. But you get to eat less, so it feels like you're eating more. This is fat guy mentality. I wish my tongue was a fork and I could just put my face up to the bowl

and I didn't need no more silverware. You already look like a fucking snake. Yeah, exactly. Everyone treats me like a fucking animal anyways at restaurants telling me to fucking eat in the fucking toilet stall. It's a fucking nightmare when I go to restaurants. They're always like, oh, you get out back. You get out back.

And I'm like, what do I get out back? They're like, you know, you grub, grosh. You know? Oh, fuck. I'm just like, I want to eat with my fucking baby lady, man. And like, you know, she's crying and shit, because I've been fucking smacking her and fucking shit. Yeah, yeah.

You're very aggressive. I hate date night. Yeah, no, I'm sure your girlfriend loves it. I'm sure the wait staff does also. All right. It was happening at 8.30 a.m. when Earhart says he went into his kitchen to find a can of shrimp and couldn't find it anywhere. Earhart told deputies he confronted Laufman over it and both got into a heated argument

that started in the home and then moved to the rear patio where he and Laufman were planning on a physical fight. They were planning on it. They were planning on it. So, like, we got, let's take it outside. At dawn, over the can of shrimp, see you on the patio. Earhart says he left the patio after Laufman smashed a statue and went into his bedroom to cool off. A few minutes later, Laufman took a katana-style metal sword and used it to chop down their closed bedroom door into pieces.

Earhart told the deputies... This is a gay couple. Hmm? This is a gay couple. No, this is a stepdad. Oh, it's a stepdad? Yeah, it's between him and his stepdad. It could still be a gay couple.

It could be. Could be. It is in Deltona. Yeah. That's right. Earhart told the deputies Laufman came at him with a sword and also threw two steak knives in his direction during the argument. That is when he apparently went code red.

The thing is, though, he must have been really fucking pissed off to hatchet down a fucking bedroom door. Yeah. This is a really cool guy. Over shrimp. It must have been great shrimp. Here's our man right there. Oh, he's intense.

He's a scary dude. Yeah, he he's intense. He's a scary dude. Yeah, he's very intense. He's got psycho eyes. He's got eyes for days. He kind of looks like Wayne Coyne, but like this more psychotic version. Yeah, I mean, he's got a full head and beard of gray hair,

and he looks like he's about 28. Yeah, white dude, salt and peppered hair with absolutely insane eyes. Living with his mother and stepdad. Oh, that guy's 34. 34. Yeah. Yeah, you don't steal that guy's shrimp.

That's for sure. You have to be very careful around those crazy whites. You know? I'm telling you, that's a crazy white. Were there people in Wisconsin that you'd stay away from, Ben? I mean, you know, no one came near me. So I don't know. I was always trying to be friends with everybody.

Yeah. He had that hugging problem. I did have the small hugging problem in high school. I loved too much. Turns out you can't just go hugging everyone when you're damn near seven feet tall when you're 12. Did you crush anyone to death? Not to death. But I'll tell you, I definitely crushed people to the point where they were uncomfortable.

Good. And that's all that matters in life. Man, shit is getting sad at this round table. It's not that sad. Well, you're sad. I'm not sad. Is it because it's Saturday? It's not Saturday.

Don't be punny. Don't be punny. Oh, no, it wasn't punny. Oh, I thought you were saying Saturday. Oh, no, that would have been punny. I just meant because it's not our normal time, so maybe you're not used to it. Like, maybe your head's not ready for this. No, I'm prepared. Let's start the episode. Have we started recording yet?

No, no, no. We're going to start in 10 minutes. Oh, great. Great. Oma's dying. You know, she's in Uruguay right now. She's 92. She's about to die. Hiding out from the fucking world police. I am. Yeah.

No, no. They were a nice, nice German couple. A nice German couple that happened to go to South America after World War II. Yeah, I wonder if you're going to get a bunch of weird French artwork and stuff in the will. Yeah, a bunch of urns. Yeah, a lot of gold teeth melted down. I don't know where it came from. That's possible.

Speaking of which, I got a story out of Germany. Oh, yay! That's the same way I set up this whole time. Deutschland. A German nymphomaniac who allegedly killed her two newborns so she could go to a swingers club for more sex has been arrested after the corpses of her babies were found by her father. Steffi Koppers, 24, bragged repeatedly about her visits to the sex club Kali on her Facebook page. In one, she wrote, about her visits to the sex club Kali on her Facebook page.

In one, she wrote, I'm in the swinger club in Kali. We are three nice ladies, but we want men, and there are none here. It seems it's bad when a solo woman goes to a swinger club to get gratification

from more than one man. It is sad. Here is a picture of a woman. Oh, man. She's got the body of a trio woman. She does. She's a monster, a beast. She's the body of a trio woman. She does. God. She's a monster, a beast.

She's an elephant of a human being. Yeah. Police believe coppers who worked for a local tourism authority became pregnant with the babies she killed through her sex encounters at the club in Camp Lindfort. One of the deaths occurred in November last year. She lived on a remote farm with her father at Wies near Dusseldorf. On Tuesday this week when she was at work, her father Heinz made the terrible discovery of the baby corpses. This is like a fucking straight stereotype and an accurate one when it comes to farm women of Dusseldorf.

One was reduced to a skeleton, the other wrapped in a sheet. Oh my god. Wait, does it say how she killed them? One cousin told... She didn't feed them. One was reduced to a skeleton, the other wrapped in a sheet. Oh, my God. Oh. Wait, does it say how she killed them? One cousin told the Build newspaper she was obese. We suspected on more than one occasion that she was pregnant, but she denied everything. Oh, so no one even knew she had the fucking kids. Yeah.

So fat. So fat. Addicted to sex. Kept popping out kids. Yeah, popped out two kids and just murdered them. You banger, Steve? Would you banger? No.

You wouldn't do it? No. It's like having sex with a circus train. That's fine, though. No, it's like having sex with a big pile of mud. That's not bad to have sex with. Remember the trash heap from Fraggle Rock? Mm-hmm.

It's like that. Oh, yeah. I was late to brunch to meet that trash heap once. And her name is Steffy, too. Yeah, Steffy Coppers, man. Stuffy Steffy, stuffer full of food. Steffy Steffy, stuffed full of beef.

Steffy's never stuffed, man. You fucker, Kevin, would you bang this chick? I've done a lot of things, man. I would say I probably had sex with a woman that was probably equal. Yeah, but it's not even the fact that she's big. It's her face. She looks like a fucking demon creepo. Yeah.

Well, she murdered both of her kids. Wait, what was that picture? This is... Oh! Oh, hello! She looks like Miss Merkel. Yeah, she's carving up her fucking nipples. She's 24?

Oh, my God. That is a 20... Why would you take that picture? She's mentally retarded. Well, she's coughing up her fucking nipples. She's 24? Oh, my God. That is a 20... She's mentally retarded. Well, I don't think so. I actually think we're talking about a mentally retarded person here. I don't know. Well, I mean, she has proper spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Yeah, she forms sentences.

That's true. That's true. How much does she like ice cream? She could be high-functioning autistic. I mean, how sad are you if you're at the swingers club and this one walks in? Oh, you leave. Why do you think there were no men at the fucking club? Right, because she walked in. She's a woman. Yeah. She ruined the club.

Yeah. There used to be a nice place until she showed up. That's true. It's like the Billy Bob Thornton fucking tombstone. Gotta get him out of here if you want a classy joint. I agree. She would have gotten away with it if she had just hid the bodies better. Yeah. The father found it

while she was at work. On the farm. I don't know. Just around the farm. Maybe she kept it in her room or them in her room. Feed it to the pigs. You're on a farm. Put it in the trash. So many options. There's bones all around. Tie a fucking couple of balloons to them.

Like a little baby up. Oh, my God. Let him float away. Send him off. Yeah, that's like a little Pixar movie. Yeah, the sequel to Up. Yeah. It's called Down.

Yeah. You're nasty. You're a nasty man. Slowly, helium deflating out of balloons as dead babies drop to the ground. It's the old man's funeral. Yeah. They just tie balloons to his fucking neck, and he fucking floats away until his skin falls off. That's a good movie.

Oh, my God. Now, you're being sensitive. Yeah, I love that fucking movie. It's animated. It's not real. And there was an abortion in the beginning. Where's the kid? Oh, my God.

It's the dog. His name is Doug, and he's so funny. Your boyfriend's name is also Doug. I know. I fuck him like a dog. That's Jackie, yeah! Jackie's back! Well, he is one lucky dog.

Yeah, I've never heard the terminology that he fucks you. It's always the way you fuck him. Yeah, there's no way I can see it. I can't imagine him way you fuck him. Yeah, there's no way I can see it. I can't imagine him fucking you at all. I really do picture you with the dick and he just sits there

and takes it even though I know that's not possible. No, it's my father's nightstick. Oh, I see. That has lots of implications. Hey, it's stick stick time, Ducky boy!

That's right. Stick stick time. Poor Doug. I fucking got's right. Oh, stick, stick time. Poor Doug. I fucking got you guys so fucking hard. Have you guys ever been to a swingers club? No, I haven't. Are you inviting us? Yeah, what, you want us to go?

I have a feeling you might go to one with not a lot of men at it. Oh, come on. Oh, wait, actually. Marcus? Yeah, I've been to two. Yeah? Yeah, he went with his ex-girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was very uncomfortable for him. A man jizzed on his face. No, I watched a man jizz on a woman's face not two feet away from me. Interesting. Yeah, it was weird. Yeah, it wasn't hot. Were there hot chicks there? Yeah.

Oh, really? The girl that he jizzed on her face, she was fucking smoking. Really? She was Brazilian. Are there any farm ladies from Dusseldorf here? I'm looking for some farm ladies from Dusseldorf. The difference between this one and the one that I went to is that this is just a 65 pounds at a time for men to enter, 10 pounds for women. So, you know, about 120 bucks for men, about 20 bucks for women.

The one that I went to, though, you went to though, you had to send in pictures and write an essay in order to get in. Oh, what the heck? That's a fucking essay. It was a whole, it was a whole like

pre-screening process so no uggos. We should get a grad degree. it was, what's that? Do you still have the essay? No, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, what do you write that essay about? It's not an essay, it's like a questionnaire. What was one of the questions? What was it like? questions? What was it? How long is your daughter?

When was your first sexual experience? And what did you answer? When I was 16. She was 18. We had a good time. Sounds about right for the Swingers Club.

Technically a statutory rape on her part, though. Definitely statutory rape on her part. You're a victim. I'd have to answer that question at age zero

when I was up in that womb. Getting that dirty pussy. Yeah, man. God damn, Holden. You're eating your way out. Yeah, dude. All right.

I drink what you drink. I eat what you eat. Yeah, dude. I was fucking licking the inside walls of her fucking uterus trying to get her all fucking wet off.

It's disgusting. What is wrong with you, man? Steve, it doesn't even matter what's wrong with him. We love him that way. You're fucking sucking on the inside lining of that uterus. That is, I want to vomit. Oh my God. I really want to vomit.

God, I just wish I could wear it like a fucking astronaut's mask. Fucking walk around all day just fucking bone town. Holden, you've been playing a lot of grand theft auto 5 by the way ed larson is in grand theft auto tell everyone where you're at because there's been some uh there's been some confusion online hold the nose i don't know all right so when you get trevor there is a mission where you have to go it'll be raining and it'll be nighttime and you'll go to a trailer park full of bikers and you have to stealth around and throw sticky bombs onto the trailers. Ed is screaming at a woman trying to get her to come out of the trailer.

If you want, if right when you walk up, all you have to do is take out the first guy and then run to the right into the block of trailers, and you'll find him. And you can hang out and listen to him all you want, and then you can knock him out and shoot him in the fucking head. So the trailer park, you take a right, you see him yelling at a chick? Yeah, you see him like... And what's he saying? Like, take out the first dude, because it's obvious the first dude you have to take out. And then you curve right into a bank of trailers. He's at the top of a cul-de-sac on the map.

Yes, yeah. And you curve right into a bank of trailers. And he's just... I mean, do you remember your lines at all? Not really. Basically, I'm coercing her. She's morally obligated to give me a handjob. Morally obligated.

He's like, come on, baby. It's all that kind of stuff. Oh, okay. Then you strangle him from behind. Yeah. Well, you knock him out with your fist, but then I pulled an AK out and just started fucking blasting his fucking head. A lot of different things going on with that. Yeah.

With the AK-47. Oh, yeah. I'm doing a lot there. But yeah, so that's where you find that. So that's where you find that. Yeah, man. That47. Oh, yeah. I'm doing a lot there. But yeah, so that's where you find that. So that's where you find that. Yeah, man.

That's great. Round Cable's made it. Officially made it into Grand Theft Auto 5. Congratulations, Mr. Larson. I have another small part right next to it, but apparently that's

harder to find. Oh, okay. That's great. So kill Larson. You'll hear him in the opening cutscene as well, having a conversation. Oh, okay.

About how crack's not that bad. Oh, and I agree. And you would know with Salad Boy. Yeah, yeah, having a conversation. Oh, okay. About how crack's not that bad. Oh, and I agree. And you would know with Salad Boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was bad for him. Yeah, it didn't turn out great. Why were you just okay?

Like, were you not like, dude, don't do that in the fucking kitchen? How are you going to stop that? I was 16 years old. I didn't care. He was also like 6'8", 300 pounds. Yeah, okay. He was a monster. I would say you don't interrupt somebody when they're making crack or any drugs for that matter.

I had a very low moral code when I was that age. I mean, you still do. But yeah, it was worse then. Yeah. At the same time, it's like some 16-year-old white kid being like, hey, man, don't do crack. It's not at all going to stop this guy. Yeah, it's not going to change. Oh, you know what?

I never thought about that. That kid's so sweet. Oh, you've really shown me the error of my ways, white man. Thank you so much. Does it, like, stink? What? It was, yeah. Did it stink up the whole fucking restaurant?

No, crack doesn't stink. It smells all chemically and shit. No, it's just coke and powder. Oh, okay. Yeah, I didn't notice anything. Yeah, it's just weaker. It's just weaker. Cooked at the same oven we cooked our bread.

That's great. Hey, does anyone know when you get the breadsticks at this restaurant, your lips go numb? I love this plate. I feel like I want to dry fast. My lips are numb. Needless to say, one day I showed up and chains were on the doors and they told us that we didn't have a job anymore. Yeah, yeah, that happens. All right, Marcus, anything else with Dusseldorf?

I think we're past Dusseldorf and it's time to move on to... Pedophile Corner. Oh, my God. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. Oh, help me. Yeah, please, help her. A former youth pastor in Council Bluffs, Iowa,

claims he had sex with teenage boys because it was his duty, quote, to help them with homosexual urges by praying while he had sexual contact with them. So was he trying to make them more gay? He was trying to make them less gay by fucking them while praying. What? Yeah, because it's like the devil's on your

back and you gotta pray him off. I think that's the mentality. He said when they would ejaculate, they would be getting rid of the evil thoughts in their mind. So he fucked them until they came and he thought when they came that's when the devil would be spurted out of them. Oh, so is this guy crucified

or what'd they do to him? I mean, honestly though, like the logic, like the sentence in this situation is disgusting, obviously, but as dudes,

like you know when you do come, like pretty much every evil thought is out of your mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're in a seat. Totally, totally nice.

Also, I'd rather get fucked out of being homosexual than getting zapped out of your mind. Totally, totally nice. Also, I'd rather get fucked out of being homosexual than getting zapped out of being homosexual like they usually fucking do. With the electrical currents. That's the thing. If they were gay, he fucked them, they came, they're not gay again for at least another ten minutes.

That is very trap. They can't be. Court documents indicated Garot told investigators the most sexual contact he had was with one teen over a four-year period, starting when the boy was 14 years old. Calling the contact mutual, he said it had occurred between 25 and 50 times during that period. When investigators spoke to the teen, who is now an adult, he told them the number was between 50 and 100. Three other young men who were teenagers when the incidents occurred told investigators the sex occurred at Garot's home.

All said they went to be helped with, quote, sexual purity. Here is a picture of this piece of shit. Oh, sexual purity. Here is a picture of this piece of shit. Oh, my God. Who drops their child off at a priest's house so he can help them with sexual purity? I don't know. That was his excuse? The parents of these victims

should really be tried along with this man. Absolutely. That's what I think. I mean, how non-protective of a father or mother do you have to be to drop your fucking kid off at a priest's house so you can go down to the basement? Oh, your son's gay. Bring him on over.

Bring him over. Yeah, yeah. I got just the cure. I'm holding it right now, jacking off to pictures of your son with it. Good God, man. I mean, the parents have to be held responsible. I agree. I honestly think so.

I mean, how dumb do you have to be? 60 times? How naive do you have to be? 60 times? How naive do you have to be to not realize that priests are pedophiles? At the same time, there's a bunch of parents that send their kids off to like, especially like in like Mormon religion, shit like that. Like the healing centers and shit like that. Like I've seen someone that went in, like I've met him before it. I knew him for years.

And then when he came back after like his mission he was fucking not the same guy and he was engaged to a woman and now they have three kids right and like i saw shit like that a bunch growing up i saw like i saw it happen over a weekend i used to go visit with uh my buddy ben his sunday school in baptist church and he had a bunch of like fun dudes that like didn't give a fuck about Sunday school and shit and they were always like really funny and they cracked jokes and then I went again and it was right after they had gotten back from this like weekend retreat and they were like zombies and one of them was like I took all my was secular non-secular which one's the not Christian

one secular society I took all my secular cds and I put them on my driveway and I took my basketball and I smashed them. That was one of the kids. Oh my God. I was like, oh, I was like, what happened? No, you used to be fun. You used to be normal. Religion is a cult. I will say, though, to his credit, he probably smashed a bunch of terrible CDs, like Stained.

Yeah, yeah. I guess Creed, not really Creed. Creed probably kept. No, he was probably before Stained, right? I mean, yeah, it was like, what, Alice in Chains and Bush and all that stuff. Yeah, he probably smashed some worthy albums that needed to be smashed. No Doubt and

some, yeah. Well, leave Tragic Kingdom alone. I got called gay for a month, man. I got called gay for a month for buying Tragic Kingdom, but... I owned it, man. That was good, man. That fucking shit sucked. I wasn't fooled for a second on it. Oh, my God. It was good, man. That fucking shit sucked. I wasn't fooled for a second. Oh, my God.

It was good, Eddie. It's garbage. It was good. Let me just sing for you a little bit of it. Oh, I'm walking around in spider webs. That's good. That's shit. It wasn't bad.

Oh, I'm walking around in spider webs. She wasn't even hot either. Everyone's all turned on fire. Oh, my God. Go fuck yourself, Eddie. She was fucking gorgeous. She had no body. She had broken titties. fucking gorgeous. Broken titties.

Broken titties. They were like the hottest couple. It was her and Gavin Rosdale. Oh, weren't they the cutest couple, Steve? Yeah, you would have fucked Gavin Rosdale if you were a girl. I love that Steve's been so quiet this whole time but as soon as we talk about Gavin Rosdale

and Gwen Stefani. Gwen Stefani. I love Gwen Stefani. Yeah, would you like dry hump pillows? She's got the body of Punky Brewster. Punky Brewster was not. She's a child. That was my reference.

She was a child, but I was a child and now we've grown together. I was late to meet her for brunch today. Soleil moon fries. Gwen Stefani is the fucking Saddam Hussein of music. Thank God.

Someone had to say it. Daughtry is the Saddam Hussein of music. Why are you demonizing Saddam Hussein? You have an entire country together. Leave below for fuck's sake. Henry used to call me Chunky Brewster.

Well, that makes sense. Pretty funny. It is funny. Of course, Henry being so slim himself. That's right. You should have called him Boy Meets Meat.

Hello. That's right. You should have called him Boy Meets Meat. Hello. Boy Meets Food. Boy Meets Meat. That joke was the Cuban Missile Crisis. Saddam Hussein of jokes because he was amazing and a great leader.

Yikes. Nick! He just got nexted, man. Don't next me, Steve. Yo, that's my favorite Ben Kissel story ever, which was I saw him do a stand-up set. This is years ago. This is like, yeah, okay, it's like two years ago, three years ago. It's like four years ago. Okay, okay, maybe it was longer.

Five years ago. Man, it was great. Mara was in love with me. We just met. Yeah. Bring it back to that. Yeah. Six years ago.

But he fucking, he's doing this set. Boy meets met. Yeah. Bring it back to that. Yeah. Six years ago. But he fucking, he's doing this set. Boy meets meat. He tells some new joke, it bombs, some old dude in the back decides to scream out. It didn't bomb.

It bombed, man. It hit. No one laughed. It went silent. No one was there. You unfunnyed the room. Like, it was unbelievable. Unfunnyed.

And then some dude in the back just goes next. Ben Kissel goes on a fucking five minute tirade on this guy being so mean and he loses the entire audience. And then he goes, I'm just kidding, man. We're friends. The place explodes in life. It was amazing. It was the best turnaround I've ever seen ever.

And then as he decides to go on another, he goes, nope, fuck it, and then goes on another five minute tirade on the guy and loses the audience again. Oh, it was amazing. He had it for a moment. He had

it. He had it. And then he just gave it away. Boy meets meat. Boy meets meat. What was the Martin Luther King joke you used to always do that people hated so much? I liked it. Oh, if I was black, I wouldn't like Martin Luther King or Malcolm X. That was the point of it.

But I forget what it was. There was a good punchline in there, but you pissed some people off that joke is making you so unhappy for a while because you kept trying and kept trying it it was a good joke and honestly if you're a black dude in the 70s and you like malcolm x you're a pussy fucking or no uh martin luther king would be a pussy malcolm x was the man to be behind you know the 60s the 60s 70s whatever i'm just saying. It doesn't matter. It's like somebody didn't pay attention in February. Well, all I know is it's September, and Subway has $5 subs.

I'm very happy with that. But no, the premise was Malcolm X. Your life is so sad. Malcolm X was a better man. You will never not be fat. You know. I understand that, Kisselman. I'm the same way.

I'll never not be fat. Thank you, Steve. Thank you for comparing me physically to you. That makes me feel great, you fucking fat bitch. All right. Let's move on. I've had enough. Well, the...

Thank you for having me, by the way. I've had enough. Thank you for having me, by the way. I'm having a blast. I feel like for you, just no day ends well. People are attacking me for my valid points. Eddie, you were saying earlier about this pastor. Did they crucify him? Yeah.

Here's what he did get. He got a 17-year prison sentence. That's it? He fucked 60 kids. But it was promptly suspended. So now he only gets sex offender treatment and probation. What? He fucked 60 kids?

No way. He fucked eight kids, officially 60 counts. Eight kids came forward. Yeah, he got no prison time whatsoever. Where is this again? Iowa. Yeah, there you go. Oh, my God. I am so mad.

This is fucking ridiculous. Is this the roundtable cause? Where in Iowa does it say? Council Bluffs. No way it say? Council Bluffs. No way! You know Council Bluffs? Yeah, I went to school in Iowa, so I knew a lot of people from, like, areas of Iowa. Did a priest, uh, do your fucking jingas?

I never visited Council Bluffs. I drove through. Right. He wasn't interested in you. Yeah. I was too big. Yeah. That happened to me, too, bud.

Thank God. Yeah, that was the thing. You guys already looked like full-grown men. Yeah. I was too big. Yeah. That happened to me too, but... Thank God. Yeah, that was the thing. You guys already looked like full-grown men. Exactly. Yeah, we had no chance of being diddled. Oh, and also,

this guy also has four kids. Oh, good. Good for those kids, huh? But his wife promptly left him. Oh, yeah. And she is actually pissed off about the sentence.

She thinks that he should go to jail forever. He should be in jail. Yeah. She has to see this man now. That's crazy. He's going to use the fucking grocery store. This is a time when it's like, if a mother of one of these kids that didn't know what was going on, you fucking tie him up, attack him, fucking cut his dick off.

Yeah. His dick should be cut off. Martial law. Freddy Krueger, dick off. Yeah. His dick should be cut off. Martial law. Freddy Krueger this motherfucker. Yeah. Get the town together. Yeah. Put him in his basement and set it on fire. So he can haunt children for the rest of his life.

That is crazy. Somebody needs to write that movie where there's just a ghost who just haunts a house by fucking kids. Well, it's a real... No. Next! It's all the Boy Meets Me world.

All right. Thank you, Steve, for telling your individual story about me. That's what happens when we have friends on. I love it. I love it, man. You have so much dirt on all the time.

And I think Boy Meets Me is fine. It was supposed to be just because my voice is strong so everything has a little more weight to it there.

Just because you're fat. Yeah. Kevin, you enjoyed Boy Meets Me. Nah, Mara's never going to talk to you again. Yep. She's so good.

She's such a good girlfriend. Right. And she did just buy me clothes But What? Wow Yeah she still buys him clothes What?

She bought him pants He's wearing pants What we're doing now Is a little thing called Moving on Moving on with the show Alright let's move on to China Alright

That's good thing That's fine Jackie yeah say hi to China Oh dogs eat meat. No, don't. God damn. No, you have to curb your racism a little bit. I'm serious.

That wasn't even that racist. No, it wasn't that racist. She just said dogs eat meat. And I eat dogs. And boy meets meat. Can we be done? We're like halfway through. Halfway through.

Halfway. Yeah, we got a bit of a ways to go. Boy Meets Chorizo. I don't know. I was just trying to come up with a nice name. What happened in China? At least 19 people have been stung to death by hornets in China's central Zhangxi province in the last three months,

according to the city government of Ankang, the apparent epicenter of a recent spate of fatalities and injuries. A total of 583 people in the area have been stung by hornets since July 1st. Seventy victims are still recovering in hospitals. Chen Changlin was... Jack, you know? Survival of the fittest! You fucking Chinese! That's fine.

God, Jackie. It's not even creative anymore. No, it's not. You fucking Chinese! That's what I said. Boy meets meat? Boy meets meat. I feel like there's just too many people, so I'm fine

with it. I feel like this is maybe even many people, so I'm fine with it. I feel like this is maybe even a governmental thing. It's got to be a conspiracy. Countrywide Hunger Games, man. It's not even a contest. They just release different sorts of deadly things. Super Hornets. Yeah, Super Hornets into the atmosphere to take out a fucking other hundred. Well, here's some stats on these Hornets.

The Asian killer Hornet, which is suspected in these incidents, are formidable carnivorous killers. The species feed their young with the larvae of other insects and use their talons and mandibles to sever the limbs and heads of their prey. The hornet's venom sting is a neurotoxin so powerful that it dissolves human tissue.

Wow. Okay, it's really scary. These fucking hornets are gigantic. They're the biggest hornets. They're the size of your thumb I heard. Yeah, Okay, it's really scary. These fucking hornets are gigantic. They're the biggest hornets. They're the size of your thumb I heard. Yeah. The size of your thumb. I actually read that China has a problem with this, that they're killing all the

bees in China, and the way the bees are starting to defend themselves is they circle around the hornets and use their wing muscles as fast as they can to raise the temperature and cook the hornet. Really? Isn't that nuts?

I couldn't believe that, man. That's fucking amazing. That is nuts, man. That is nuts. That's crazy. Right? Yeah. Well, back to Chen Changling.

He was hospitalized after being attacked by hornets while harvesting rice last week. No. He would be doing that way to be the stereotype he said i ran and shouted for help but the hornets chased me about 200 meters and stung me for more than three minutes chin said hornets had first swarmed a woman and child working nearby who then ran towards him both later later died from the hornet's toxins. God damn. Another victim whose kidneys were ravaged by the venom said, the more you run, the more they want to chase you.

God, they're just evil. They're smart. They're so evil. They're a booty for the fucking devil. And according to local reports, this is from CNN.com. CNN.com. According to local reports,

when he was admitted to the hospital, his urine was the color of soy sauce. Ching Chang. Hold on. Hold on. It's just too much. Hold on. It's way too much.

All right. I could have just said dark brown. Soy sauce, you motherfuckers. All right. Honestly, CNN just delivered the most racist thing we've ever said on the podcast. They could have said Coca-Cola. Sure. His breath smelled like General Tso's chicken.

Oh, my God. Boy meets meat. Whoever was writing that article was typing that shit. It was the color of... And they're like... I'm totally going to get away with this. That's perfect. So he was pissing black.

Yeah, he was pissing black. Earlier this month, 30 people, including 23 school children aged between 6 and 8 years, were injured in a hornet attack in Jiangxi province. Their teacher, Li Jinghong, told his students to hide under tables as he tried to drive away the insects before he lost consciousness. The school's headmaster told local media that most of the injured suffered stings

to their heads, necks, hands, and feet. And nearly 60 students and teachers were injured in a separate incident in the same province at the start of the month. This is fucking crazy. I just want to point out to our listeners that Jackie Zebrowski has left the room, so let's all say something nice about Asian people.

I enjoy that they are very attractive in Williamsburg. Good. That's it. They have fangs and they rape their wives. Okay. That's different. That's a different thing to enjoy. Sure. Never mind. Failed experiment.

Back to the story. Experts say a number of reasons may have That's a different thing to enjoy. Sure. Never mind. Failed experiment. Yeah. Back to the story. Experts say a number of reasons may have contributed to the apparent increase in hornet activity, including the region's recent hot, dry weather, land development, and hornet sensitivity to the smell of people. What does that even mean? Hornets don't like the smell of humans. So they attack the fucking... You would think that they would like the smell of humans, though. Aren't they stinging them and stuff? Do hornets die when they sting? No, they don't like the smell of humans. So they attack the fucking... You would think that they would like the smell of humans, though.

Aren't they stinging them and stuff? Do hornets die when they sting? No, they don't. That's just bees. So bees die. Hornets and wasps just keep going. So, like, are they getting... When they say they get their prey's larvae,

they're not getting anything from the human to feed their young, are they? Or are they getting our larvae? I think they just straight-up attack humans because they see them. They see a living creature, they just start attacking it. Yeah. Like, they see humans, they smell humans, they hate it, so they attack it and eat it and kill it. Larvae. I hear they're moving towards Europe, actually, and Europe has to be careful now.

Yeah. That's nuts. Yeah, it's called the Vespa mandarinia. Hey, did we talk to... I don't know if you were going to bring this up or not, but you know that nut-eating fish got found, like, near New Jersey? Yeah, in New Jersey, in a New Jersey lake. We did a big story about that nut-eating fish on an episode.

They found it close to us now. Well, let's bring up that story, Marcus, if you can. New Jersey, of course, Ed's homeland. And, of course, Ed, you would be prime suspect for this nutty fish because your balls are massive. No, I think that it would just see mine and be like, that's too much. Too much! Too much, yeah.

Ed was in the ocean not two weeks ago for a wedding, so I think maybe they might have been honed in on your nuts. They smelled your nuts. I dipped my nuts in the Atlantic Ocean and they swam over from Africa. That makes sense.

Once you get that musk in the Gulf Stream, man, it's all over. These testicle-eating fish, they have been found in northern New Jersey, just 10 miles outside of New York City. I'll tell you what, I came home last night, there was one of those fucking nut-eating fishes on my couch smoking a cigar watching

fucking Friends. And he was like, hey, you ever, you know where Ed Larson is? I was like, nah, man. What are you doing in my living room? He tried to fucking eat on my fucking nuts. I fucking got out of there. He left. I appreciate you not giving me up.

The only way I know who would have the ability to speak to fish is you. A bit of a merman in some little inner circles there. You know, these things can weigh up to 55 pounds and grow three to four feet in length. God damn, that's fucking big. Yeah, they interviewed a guy named Pat Egan. He's the manager at Absolutely Fish, which is an exotic fish store in New Jersey. Absolutely Fish. She said, but Absolutely Fish.

What's your story about? It's about cows. That's a lizard, though. Yeah. He said, most likely, someone had the paku in their fish tank, and it grew too big, so they dumped it. We call them tank busters. We don't even sell them because they grow so big. Wow.

But here's the good news. They cannot survive cold temperatures. Oh, alright. They'll all die off in the winter. Yeah. Except that it's global warming, so they're probably just going to live forever and probably take over New York. I agree. I kind of want the pacu fish to take over New York. I have no problem with that. I think there should be a predator,

like a good predator in the East River. Another thing to kill people. Totally. 55 feet and all they eat is human nuts? All they eat is balls? They're 55 feet long and all they eat is human testicles? Pounds. Oh, pounds. Pounds.

Do you know how big 55 feet is? Yeah. It's like a sea monster. That's like... No, I know. That is a plesiosaur, my friend. Is that right? Is a plesiosaur about 55 feet?

I think it's something like 65, 70. Do they eat nuts? Plesiosaurus? Human balls? I mean, along with everything else. All right. I'm just saying 55 pounds. Okay, well, that's different then.

Yeah. Three to four feet. Yeah. They're still very big, though, Kissel. 55 pounds isn't that big. It's like a Labrador. Oh, yeah, that's different then. Yeah. Three to four feet. They're still very big, though, Kissel. 55 pounds isn't that big. It's like a Labrador. Oh, yeah, that's a big thing. That's like Kissel's fucking dinner.

Boy meets meat. Boy meets meat. I'm telling you, it's not so easy, Steve. Next. It's not, I know. Thank God I've learned from the best. Yeah, happy to have you here, Steve. I know. Thank God I've learned from the best. Yeah. Happy to have you here, Steve.

Go Packers. Yeah. Go Packers. Go Packers. Packers suck this year. Go Blackhawks. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. All right.

Banner raiser, Tuesday. Steve predicted a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl win. That's right. Last year, I've been to Greece twice now. Last year when I went to Greece, the only American sports reference I saw was a Chicago Blackhawks poster, and the Hawks won the cup. This year, I went to Greece, the only American sports reference I saw was a Miami Dolphins hat.

And the Dolphins are fucking undefeated right now. I am very curious, man. We're watching Monday. I'm coming with you to watch, man. I'm curious. I'm going to miss the game because he's going to be at a wedding, so they're definitely going to win. I know. That's so funny. Yeah, I'm missing the Super Bowl this year. I would love it if they made it just for that reason.

Married a bunch of fucking lesbians. That's fine, though. It's about freedom and liberty. Ed is officiating a wedding over two wonderful lesbian women. I love them. I love them. They're great. Right. Would you be against gay marriage if the Dolphins played on this Super Bowl? If he came down to the Dolphins winning the Super Bowl or not?

I mean, that's like, that's hitting close to home. I'd take your place, Ed. I would just step in for you. I'd be sure Ed would assassinate the president for that to happen. I don't know if you can actually say that. Can you not? I didn't say it.

I said it. It's not bad. Either way, boy meets meat. Marcus, what do you got? It really always sinks like a stone in my chest every time you say it. It's crazy. I'm saying it a lot.

Yeah. No, I know. It's sad. Next up, a half-naked man who police said stole a boat and went on a rampage in a Seattle marina told police he was just trying to get away from a ninja. Well, you know. What if he's telling the truth? What if he's fucking telling the truth?

In Seattle, you know, so they come over. Totally. It's the Pacific Ocean. I mean, it's a big ocean. But, you know, let's say, like, he is telling the truth. What if this fucking is a ninja? You know, so they come over, it's the Pacific Ocean, I mean, it's a big ocean. But you know, let's say like, he is telling the truth, he's trying to get away

from a fucking ninja. He's on a marina too, where would a ninja fucking come from? The docks. Yeah. Oh, we all know that

the docks are full of ninjas. Oh yes. At all times. And hookers. Yes. I'm there for the hookers, but I couldn't get down. Oh my god,

it's a female ninja, maybe she was a hooker. Michael Bray'm there for the hookers. It's a female ninja. Maybe she was a hooker. Michael Bray's run-in from the so-called Asian female ninja began September 15th when he boarded a 42-foot boat in the Queen City Yacht Club in the middle of the night, throttled the engine and started repeatedly ramming neighboring

boats and docks. Dozens of people on board surrounding boats frantically screamed at him to stop, but according to court documents, Bray didn't stop until a man on the shore fired a gun at the cabin of the boat he was driving. Police showed up shortly after to find Bray straddling the stern of the boat without pants.

Bottom half was naked. That's how you straddle a boat. Bray told them he was a CIA agent running from a female ninja. He also allegedly told one of the two officers, one of you are dead. Oh, interesting. Conspiracy theory, man.

Did they find a ninja? Court documents confirm Bray was not a CIA agent on the run, but was instead under the influence of alcohol, ecstasy, and marijuana. He was undercover. Everybody knows you go on an important mission in the CIA. They deny all knowledge

of your existence. They would have no knowledge of it, quote unquote. I swear to God. I think that this guy, I think it's real. I need it to be real. I don't understand

how happy I would be if the CIA is actually doing battle with actual ninjas today. There's a fucking ninja loose in Seattle. That's the story right now. Especially if it came from Russia. Wouldn't that be great?

What about Russian ninjas? There are Russian ninjas, are there? Sure. Why the fuck not? There's got to be some stealthy fucking potato vodka piece of shit. But wouldn't they just be a Russian spy? They are Asia. They are Asia.

Maybe he's just good at being really fast and tight. I wouldn't be surprised if these ninjas weren't behind these hornets, too, man. They work in mysterious ways. Oh, man. Marcus just watched a, it says, Russian ninja cop. It was a Russian. Leaped under the hood of a Honda Civic and shot the guy in the head.

Whoa. And they dragged him out. Check this shit out. Just Google Russian Ninja Cop. Oh my God. Watch this. Boom. Wow. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Yeah, man. Whoa. What the?

This can't be real. What? That's nuts. Russians are fucking crazy, man. Flips off. Oh, man. Yeah, put this on the website. Yeah, I'll put this on the website.

Hell, I'll put it on right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's wild. That is amazing. Man, Russians don't give a fuck. No, there's some serious shit over there, man. My friend just got back from Russia. He spent two months in Russia.

He's got no fingers now. I was like, how is Russia? My friend just got back from Russia. He spent two months in Russia. He's got no fingers now. I was like, how was Russia? He said, it was mean, it was drunk, and it was really fucking fast. I was like, what does that mean? What is it all fucking mean? Go to Russia. No.

Yeah, your friend's not good at describing things. He was a customer. I was gone mean and drunk. After doing this show for over three years now, I've realized that I never want to leave America. Yeah. It's just everything else

is so fucking scary. I feel like Florida has the most scary stories, though. Yeah. I mean, that's different, though. It's just slow maniacs. You know, you can always outsmart them. No, you know what it is? just that's your you know florida that's your comfort zone

you grew up there like anywhere else you go i like you know you got to get out though go to fucking smoky smoky amsterdam you'll have fun i don't know worried you will go to denver denver's amsterdam now they don't have mushrooms in stores Oh man Can't wait for that That's the next one Yeah We got weed Let's bring on the shrooms Because it's also like

Oh these shrooms Give you this kind of trip Man it was so much fun And we like all got like The certain kind of mushrooms We wanted for the kind of trip What kind did you get? I got the moderate ones

That was like more of a Fucking visual body thing The more conservative If you got the philosopher stones And they were like little of a fucking visual body thing if you got the philosopher stones and they were like little tiny like fucking shit pellets and those things made you fucking just like a wizard you like the cheese incident yeah they make you like sit in the corner of the room indian style for the entire night just fucking thinking you know i wanted the ones where i felt like i wanted to run around the city and you know shit yeah but yeah they have the you know that's great and you walk in you i pulled them out of the freezer and I felt like I wanted to run around the city and, you know, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, yeah, they have the, you know, that's great.

And you walk in, I pulled them out of the freezer, and we all bought little, like, plastic, like, they were little in salad cartridges kind of things, you know, like little plastic. Interesting. Oh, like strawberries. Yeah, like strawberries. And we got them in that, and the dude, like, talked us through it and stuff. I mean, so much better than buying mushrooms from fucking, fucking Blazy Dave or something. Yeah, man, these will fucking give you good.

You know, it's like so much better than that. You know, I just went to the roundtable page to post that Ninja video, and I saw a comment that a listener, Greg Lewis, posted the other day. He said, I like to think if there is a God, he sounds just like Kevin Barnett. Oh, I like that comment. And that was a guy, right? I would love to hear that. Oh, she won't.

Kevin, tell Lewis to do something with his life today or do some shit. Be a god for a second. Lewis, why don't you get out there, climb a tree. I know you want to do that. Sit up in that tree and paint, man. Paint what's around you and also paint your feelings. Yeah.

Yeah. I like that. There you go. That's good, man. That's exactly what God would say. That would do the guy good, I think. Can you imagine, though, trying to watch most grown men climb a tree? You can't climb a fucking tree.

I could never climb a tree as a child. I climbed a tree last week. No, you're different. You're looking out. They do tree climbing competitions somewhere. Oh, lumberjack competitions. Oh, yeah, man. Lumberjack competitions.

No, well, not that, but I'm just talking about straight up just tree climbing. They do it on some island or some place. I remember watching it. Oh, yeah. Those are strong men, though. They'll fucking run up these trees like nuts. I want to live that life. I'd have more of a chance ripping a tree out of the ground than climbing one.

Oh, definitely. Yeah, I can't. When I went camping in Minnesota, I tore a tree down. I felt like a real man. Definitely couldn't climb the goddamn thing. That's where their strength lies in your fear of heights.

That's true. Greg Lewis also said that his Satan is Holden McNeely. Oh, wow. Is Satan Holden McNeely? Do you want to tell Lewis something? Hey, fucker. You're going to see me real soon.

I can't wait to fucking see what your cock looks like, you bastard. Yeah. The quote that this guy wrote was, hey, fucker. What are you doing, fucker? It was exactly the same. It's exactly what it is. That's all you want to do? Do you want to stick your head in a fucking bowl of shit today? That's what?

Fucking on the menu, bitch. Shit's on the menu? Yeah, shit's on the menu. It's time for a segment from Satan. Oh, Lord. Ed's running the segment today. What do you got, Ed? Oh, I took over the segment for Holden today because we have a very special guest.

Skulk the Hulking is with us. Yeah. And so we're going to do a Death Row Suge Knight style rap for your life contest. Oh. Well, listen, I'm going to win this one.

Yeah. I'm not too white. Marcus is Suge Knight and if our rap isn't good enough, he'll shoot us. I got the gun. That's great. Well, shoot me now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, so we'll start off with

Steve. I think it'll be a good way to start so people know what a good rap sounds like. Alright. You ain't shit! Lord. You're bad at it. Alright. Look at y'all chatting. Y'all chewing the fat again. Satin napkin wiping away grease I spitting.

Well fuck your cash in. Fuck your action. You stuck in gas. I'm blessed with passion. Think I'm a joke? Cause I live broke? Learn more lessons in this world through my sweat stained shirt? Got hands all pretty.

Cause y'all just sissy. You may bare your teeth, my Adam's apple grizzly. So enjoy that power up in your tower cause one day we gonna realize they built on these streets of ours. When the concrete move you get knocked down to our world and then y'all see what it's like to be the fat

chewed through. Nice. Yeah. Alright. That's good. Alright, now Ben. I didn't even Why are we doing this? I'm scared. Apparently, this entire episode has been done to thoroughly embarrass me. You know what? All right.

I literally have to. I don't know what I'm going to do either. How do you rant? That's the major. I don't know what I'm going to do. How do you rant? That's the major. I don't know. I talk like this. This is what I worked really hard to do is talk real slow. So use that.

Go with that. Yeah, do with that. Just make it rhyme. Yeah, don't try to black it up. Keep it good and event. We'll black it up a little bit. Black it up? Yeah, be a little black.

Eminem is the only rapper I've ever heard. I don't even know. Well, he blacks it up. He doesn't black it up. Lord. All right. Kevin, how do I do this? Why are you asking Horse Illustrated?

All right, I'll tell you what. Kevin knows how to do things. I'm not talented. Ben, I'll tell you what. I don't know that I do things. I'm not talented. Ben, I'll give you a beat. All right, I'm sitting here and I'm watching Holden play Grand Theft Auto V. I'd rather put a fucking gun to my head than watch him do this because I hate Holden Minnelli. Yeah, that was a good one. Much better than I expected.

That was good. I like that. That was good, yeah. That was really good. No I like that. I like that. That was good. That was really good. You know what? I'm done with the show. I am going to go become a professional rapper. That's great.

My name is Ben Kissel. You should be called Biggie Talls, you faggot. My name is Biggie Talls, you faggot. And I'm here to tell you I hate to watch Holden play Grand Theft Auto 5. Okay, I'm going to kill myself. Holden and Jackie, you guys actually had a rap group together for a little while. Well, they did. Yeah.

Bad Bitch Mama and Fuck. Did you have the beats that they brought up? Fucking Mother Bitch, right? We played them on past- Bad Bitch Mama and Fuck. And Fuck. Oh, okay. Yeah, we played them on past shows.

Yeah. Is it possible to get those up? Yeah. They're probably deep in the archives somewhere. Yeah. I have them, though. Do you guys remember any of your songs? Do you?

I remember Rape Is Your Name. Oh, yeah. That was a good one. Rape Is Your Name. Can we just play that as both of our free songs? No, Jackie. You're going to have to rap. I'm fucking going to have to rap.

I always said you guys should do it live. This is really intense. I don't like doing this as much as you, you know, but you got to step in. It's a segment. I mean, you don't have to. I'll give you a beat. Is it my turn? Oh, is it my turn?

Yeah. Oh, I'll give you a beat. I'm listening to this song. No, no, no. We got it. We got this beat. Did you get it? I got one of the, I got, uh, she tastes just like a little bitch.

Okay. Oh, okay. It's a different song. Cool. Are we going to, can we hear it right, or are you just going to play it? Yeah. Well, we'd have to put on headphones. Oh, this is getting complicated.

Oh, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Jackie, just sing something. I need a beat from Holden, though. Okay. Okay. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Boom, poom, poom, poom, poom. Poop, poop, poom, poom, poom. Y'all are fuckers. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. Yo, fuckers. I got two shit. You are all pieces of shit.

I got all that shit coming out of my pussy, coming out of my mouth. I hate you, and you hate me. I'm a girl, and I bleed. You are all such faggots, faggots, faggots, faggots. Yeah. Not bad. I like it. It's pretty good. That was good. I didn't know wheregots, baggots. Yeah. Not bad. I like it. That was good.

I didn't know where I was going with that one. That was pretty good. That was nice. Hell yeah. All right. Should I go now? Yeah, hold it. Can you do the segments from now on?

I'm just, it's a pleasure. It's so stressful. That was scary. You chose it. It sounds better. No one wants to hear it. I know, I just like to play to people's strengths, so our guests, was scary. You chose it. It sounds better. No one wants to hear it. I like to play to people's strengths, so our guests. Right, right.

Yeah, but Skullix sounds really good, and then everyone has to... It's so bad. You know what was better? When we had the reformed whores on, we just had them perform. Yeah, you could have just had Steve perform. Funny songs about how we don't use our pussies anymore. Right, right. They did that.

All right, I'll give you a beat. We'll play a Skullix song at the end of the show, at the very least, so we can cleanse it that way. All right, I'll give you a song of his. Boy Meets Meat. I'll give you a beat, Addo. Okay, ready? All right. Gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious, gracious.

Grace is good and it's gracious. I like your tits. Give me your tits. I'm going to slice up your tits. That's perfect. Thank you, Addo. That was great. That was great. That was perfect. Thank you, Andy. That was great. That's great.

I mean, honestly. Absolutely perfect. This is why the audience, you know, for our fans listening and things like that, I mean, you get to see a real vulnerability here. We're finally out of our comfort zone. Yeah, we're absolutely all. I like this. This is like an experiment in humanity.

Yeah. It's quite an anthropological study. I think I can do it. I think I can do it without a beat. All right. All beat. All right. I got the first line, and then I don't know after that. All right. All right.

I'm a classical massacre. I'm a fascist and a rascal. You're a bunch of bastards when you're asking for me. I don't need to know what you've got dough in your pocket. I got a locket full of your bitch's numbers. I don't even have to see her. I can just cum on her. I don't give a fuck because you're a bunch of dumb and dummers. I saw

that movie back when I was 16, you motherfucker. Yay! Alright, Holden. That was fairly impressive. That was good, man. Absolutely. I like it. Oh, shit. Alright.

We can also play some of the rap intros that me and Holden worked That was good, man. Absolutely. I like it. Oh, shit. All right. We can also play some of the rap intros that me and Holden worked on. Absolutely, please. Why not? And we made 13 of them. Yeah. All right. I'll spit this real shit right now, man.

All right. Here we go. Fools get knocked over from the force of defeat from my fucking horse. I don't hang out with no goddamn nerds. Real niggas out here only hang out with birds. I feed them seeds. They got needs. They say, please feed me some more of them seeds. But I don't.

I got bees stinging these hornets' nests. And everybody knows I get that shit on my chest. It's wall titties. So. Yeah. Yeah! Yeah! That was the best segment ever. God damn.

I like that. I'm impressed with everyone. Did anyone get shot? No, no one got shot. Not even close. I feel like I should have gotten shot. I thought you did a good job. Yeah, yeah.

You spoke about truth. Yeah, that's right. He doesn't like it when I play the game. No, I know. Grand Theft Auto V, Ed Larson. Check it out. I'm so happy that's over. Yeah, yeah.

I was so worried about it. The segment or the game? Everything. Ah, game's still going, baby. Yeah. All right, Mr. Suge Knight, Marcus Parks. Although, you know what, Marcus? You know what?

I don't think you should be Suge Knight for this. You have to rap. You know what's crazy? Yesterday, or the day before yesterday, I did something where we had to go in the studio where Tupac got shot the first time. Really? Yeah, I was in there.

That's awesome. It was because Charlemagne was there. It was funny because I walked in the door, literally the first thing I said, when I walked in the door, the first thing he said to me was like, you know this is where Tupac got shot, right? As soon as I walked in. And the first thing he said to me was like you know that's where Tupac got shot right as soon as I walked in and Kevin's referencing uh referencing Charlamagne the God what is it uh 105 is it 105.1 or 104 uh I forget either way he's a very successful

they keep the hole in the wall huh no no this it's all like you would think they would yeah but it's all like as if nothing happened I didn't even realize that so I because I always thought it was like Biggie got shot in the car. Right. I always thought it was out and about. So a bunch of dudes came into the record studio. I know it was the, it was the, I think what started the whole thing was Tupac getting shot.

He got shot a couple of times in the lobby of this studio. Oh shit. And that was the studio. It's like right in time. No, it was, they came in there. He lived there. Wow. That was right in, it's right in Times Square, right next to this strip club.

Jesus. I forget where exactly, but yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's fucking nuts. Yeah. It's fucking insane, though. Just the idea of getting shot while you're, like, trying to, like, record. Yeah.

Like, would you imagine somebody busts through the store and fucking shoots us right now? Oh, man. Lord knows it's probably going to happen. Oh, God. It's definitely going to happen before your show. Jackson Avenue. Let's see. All right. Jesus. It's definitely going to happen before your show. Jackson Avenue. Let's see. All right.

Whoa. We don't want to. They don't know where the fuck we are. We'll murder them. We're massive people. You can never murder anyone. Strap to the gills.

Come on, step. Wow. Do something. I want you to rap something. Huh? Rap something. Huh? Rap something. Yeah, we all had to fucking do it. And close it out. You have to do this one. I'll give you a something. Huh? Rap something. Rap something.

Yeah, we all had to fucking do it. And close it out. You have to do this one. I'll give you a beat. All right. Moo goo guy pan. Moo goo guy pan. I like the general sauce.

Moo goo guy pan. Chicken, egg, and bacon. No. Moo goo guy pan. Moo goo guy pass. Oh, where's my soy sauce? I'm a boss. Chopsticks, chopsticks, chopsticks.

Lock, lock, lock, lock. Yay. Keep on going. Keep on going. All right. There are no winners other than Skulk the Hulk. You guys are right. That was awful.

Yeah. It was very scary. It was beyond awful. All right. Skulk, you win. Skulk the Hulk. Yeah, you definitely win. I give a lot of credit to fucking Kevin and Holden, man.

You guys fucking had some good shit. We all had to do it. Yeah, yeah, but I give those two a lot of credit. Jack is a brass can. What song are we going to play of yours, Steve? I'll give you guys the new song that I got. Yeah, give us the new song. I fucking love the new song. You yeah give us a new song you recorded it

yeah yeah it's a pre-recording it's not even done yet what's it called it's called by hooker by crooked automatic assault rifle seriously this song is so fucking good i love this song it's the first song i got a i got a new uh i'm working with somebody on an EP, and we're hoping to release it at the beginning of next year. And we're calling him The Great Shame. Oh. And we're working together. I'm really excited about it, man. And this new song I really do love.

So I'm excited that you're going to get to play it, man. All right. Skulk the Hulk. Remember, it's not done yet, but this is our best version of it. Next! Next! Yep! Yeah! I need a cigarette. We made the knives that took our lives We made the guns that killed our sons

We stopped the wars, do so some more We fight the hate that we create Where's the disease spread overseas? Where's the ideal without appeal? Where's the ideal without appeal? Where's the corrupt? Well, we instruct. We are the damned. Well, we command.

Decree. Receive. The lame. Deceive. Decree. Receive. The lame. Deceive. We are the champs.

All the shit that we've done. All the lies that we've spun. All the lies that have to come. All so we can have our fun. We destroy. We destroy! We destroy! Everything we love, everything we hate, Everything we get spent all so we can taste!

Everything we want, everything we need, Everything we can't leave, we will make fucking play Gossip fires and gasoline Browse the pyres that now careen Drowns desire, they find obscene Rage and tire, no ends to meet Fuck their morals, fuck their laws Fuck their quarrels with our faults Fuck for pleasure, fuck for wiles

So fuck your cash, cause we are gods To drink, receive, ballet To see, stop the music To drink, receive, ballet To see all the shit All the shit that we've done All the lies that we've spun All the lies that have succumbed

All so we can have our fun We destroy We destroy Everything we love, everything we hate Everything we dismantle so we can taste Everything we want, everything we need Everything we can, we will make Fuck and fight

We destroy! We destroy! We destroy! We destroy! We destroy!