The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 165: Muthu

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man rapes an injured cow on a railway track, a husband shoots his wife dead following a Family Feud audition, and a homeowner pumps 19 bullets into a car belonging to a couple Jehovah's Witnesses. Joining us today: Micah Sherman, Seena Jon, and Kellen Maloney!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are we good, Marcus? Should we start? Alright, alright. Hold and pray it out. Alright, I'm gonna do this as a special needs child. Oh, that's nice. Thank you, Nina, and my name is

Marnie. You have to start all your prayers by saying in the name of the Father. God damn it, this curse. My father, thank you, you got big head, I wanna kiss you. Thank you so much for being friends with me. I like to take boo-boo on your pillow when I have fun time.

That's fine. You give me good Jesus. Finally, hamburgers make me so happy. With too many burgers, I get mad. Why are you doing this? Too many. Hot dogs are fun, but only for a half hour. Then I move back to hamburger.

I love Die Hard. I want to be in Die Hard 4. If Die Hard 4 is out already, I want to be... Die Hard 5 was made. I want to be in Die Hard 7. I think it'll give me enough time to take acting classes. Thank you, Jesus. It's crazy because you sound less annoying

than you normally do. I can't believe holding God's life together. Amen, Jesus. Alright, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Who is everybody around this sort of round table, but not really a round table. It's more of a long table. Jackie Zabrowski. Man, I'm like squirted in between some fucking hot ass men over here.

Fuck yeah. Yes, you are, Jackie. Yes, you are. I'm Ed Larson, and I'm sucking dicks till I turn gay. Fuck yeah. Hold him in nearly. Don't talk to... Why are you doing it?

What happened, Holden? What happened? I'm burnt, man. I'm burnt out. I need weed. I need a hot tub. Give me some fucking bitches. We'll call it a year, brother.

All right, all right. Wow. And then you're Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett. I'm doing the opposite of what Ed is doing. What's that? Snuck it on. Snuck it on, brother. All right, all right. Wow. And then you're Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett. I'm doing the opposite of what Ed is doing. What's that? Snug it up. Snug it up, bro.

Snug pussy until you like it. That's a dick eye! Yeah, yeah, yeah! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed!

Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! Ed! For years I loved a dick. Turn it around. Fucking pussy till you like it, Kevin Barnett. But Holden, you guys are all exhausted. Holden, Jackie, and Eddie are exhausted because you guys were in Sketch Fest, Murderfest, Headline Sketch Fest this weekend.

And that was last night. You guys did a two-hour set. Two hours. And a bunch of fucking people loved it. We just taught a fucking bunch of... Idiots who gave us their money. Oh, good. I'm sure they'll be

the same. Three-hour workshop and they were great and we loved them, Ed Larson. They were great. They were great. They were great.

Yeah. It was good because we described it as sketch comedy for the devil so a whole bunch of fucking weird-ass people.

Weirdos. It was awesome. Nasty shit. Yeah. That's brilliant. And you guys changed lives? You guys feel like you helped somebody out today?

Yeah, I guess. Why not? Dude, the sketches that we wrote with those people, though, were's brilliant. And you guys changed lives? You guys feel like you helped somebody out today? Yeah, I guess. Why not? Dude, the sketches that we wrote with those people, though, were fucking awesome. I know. It's just so sad. We're not going to be able to do them. We can't use them. Right.

What was one of the most amazing moments of a sketch that somebody came up with that you were like, wow, our child. Best joke of the day. This other kid we did, I don't even remember his name. He was so funny. Best joke of the day was, don't you think it's ironic that Jesus was a carpenter and then he was nailed to a cross? Yeah. And it was read by

this cute little fucking white girl. Who writes horror short fiction. Yeah. She was awesome. And he just fucking nailed it. It was fucking awesome. I love it. Alright, well speaking of Murder Fist, we got Kellen Maloney. Yeah, baby. Thank you, Kellen.

Thank you for being here. And Micah Sherman, thank you for being here as well. My pleasure. How are you, Micah? Very good. Oh, good. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. Balls deep in that robot butthole.

Wow, the robot butthole. Some people just get it, you know? Yeah, he's one of them. Thanks for having me back after this hi-ay-tous. I'd like to say I'm pretty uncomfortable with your energy. I just want to know how your cock feels after you stick it into a robot's asshole. Be delightful. It's not bad.

No, it's good. Do they lube it up? Yeah, you have to lube it. There's a lot of gears in there. How much money did the robot, did you get it shipped from Japan? What are we talking here? Oh, the robot paid me. That's the kind of gigolo I am.

Man, it's so weird that robots just have jobs now and live lives like they're humans. They have so much money. You don't even gotta pay. They're part of the 7%. Right, I've heard that. You guys both have the sad 5 o'clock shadow going on, though. Oh, here's the reason for mine.

I have a real reason. Sure. Is it because you quit smoking? I mean, it's because you didn't shave. That is the reason. Ding, ding, ding. Nailed it. Dog.

In a robot butthole. Yeah. I was out of town. I was out of town, and out of town and then I went over to my girlfriend's house and then I had to start doing some stuff and I left my

I have like one of those fancy stainless steel razors I left it at her house and I just haven't gotten around to shaving my face off or fucking the shit out of her

right indeed well speaking of fucking the shit out of women the next guest here Sina John certainly can do it what the fuck

he really nails it women love him oh my god I'm Sina John I'm the only real human on yeah you're the real person I think the ladies like you we got you on to do our ethnic quote of the year we have you on once a year just so we can say we had an Iranian on once a year because we don't

talk to the others. You know what's even worse is neither do I. Tina used to produce the podcast Ben and I started on called The Brain and the Beast. Welcome to The Brain and the Beast. I think that was it. I am the brain. Ben is the beast.

This is why life is wrong. I remember the last time I was on the brain of the beast was the last time I drank a vodka Red Bull because Henry and I drank so many vodka Red Bulls that we both puked in the cab that night. I've seen you have plenty of

vodka Red Bulls before this. It's not that you black out a lot. I learned a lesson. So wait, did you both puke at the same time? Did you puke outside of the cab?

I puked into my purse and then he started to puke onto himself and then he puked out of the side of the car and went onto the car. Was that now as leaving Sita's apartment?

Leaving, doing the brain and the beast. So Holden vomited outside of the car. like onto the car. Was that, and I was leaving Sita's apartment? Leaving, doing the brain in the beast. So Holden vomited outside of the car. Henry did. Oh, Henry did. Yeah. I think we all got way too drunk to record at Sina's at least once. Oh yeah, definitely. Probably here too. Well, in the basement

we got way too drunk to record it. I remember a time when I got very, very passionate about Billy the Kid that I was way too drunk for that conversation. You think that's like eight? I remember a time when people challenged me to drink a bunch of drinks and everybody was trying to say I was drunk, but motherfuckers

were sober. Sober as a cat. Yeah, people don't believe in a nigga, man. That was the tall boy drinking contest. How many tall boys was Kevin supposed to drink? Kevin was supposed to drink 12. He drank two. There you go. No, get out of here, man.

You know, it's got... Two? Really? No. You definitely did. You kept saying you were sober as a cat because you fucking were sober as a cat. I drank at least seven. No.

Yeah. Now I was out of commission because I just had a knife in my balls. Yeah, you had just gotten a hernia. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, so you know... Good my balls. Yeah, you had just gotten a hernia. Yeah. Yeah. Either way, so you know. Good old times.

Yeah, reminiscent. And Holden, you are the brain and I am the beast. That is fine with me. Yeah, I like to add that podcast to one of my ever-growing list of failures and great learning lessons. I'm glad this abortion was birthed after this. After the brain of the beast.

Right, right. All right, Marcus, let's get to a news story. An Indian man has been arrested for raping an injured cow using coconut oil as lubricant. At least they've got off girls. At least he used lube. I just can't believe this cow was injured. Muthu. That's so sad.

In India. Yeah, they're not supposed to mess with cows, right? Not injured ones. I don't know. They don't eat them, right? They're sacred, right? Yeah, sacred cows. Muthu, who goes by only one name.

Muthu? He's aged between 50 and 55. Was seen raping the animal. The cow Cthulhu? No, no, no. The man was named Muthu. Oh, well, that's why he did it. The man was named Muthu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cow Cthulhu. Man, India is funny. The man was named Muthu. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cow Cthulhu. Man, India is funny. It really is. He had no choice but to fuck this injured cow. I bet it wasn't rape. He was seen raping the animal, which was lying injured on a railway track in southern India. Speaking to IB Times UK, local police officer Jayavelu confirmed Muthu, who goes by only one name,

had been arrested under unnatural sexual offense. Let's see here. The four-year-old cow met with an accident and was lying unconscious alongside a railway track. Officials at the NGO received a complaint about the injured mammal and approached the scene. The BCI volunteers were initially confused when they saw Muthu alongside the cow. The BCI volunteers were initially confused when they saw Muthu alongside the cow. Don Williams of the BCI said, We were initially unsure of what the man was doing to the cow.

When we went further and took a closer look, we realized this man was inserting his penis into the cow's vagina. There was a bottle of coconut oil kept beside him, which he used as lubricant. Snout down, ass up. Yeah! That's the fucking slogan of my life. I just don't get it. Why do you need lube to fuck a hole that big? Well, I mean, you know.

No, I mean, that's just equal pleasure. Yeah, you gotta lube it. I don't even know if coconut butter is the best sort of lube. I can't imagine. Or peanut oil, right? Do cows get wet? I hope he's allergic. Oh, yeah.

They have to get wet. Every animal has to get wet. I'm not sure if injured cows are a railroad, though. I mean, I feel like this cow thought he was going to be rescued, and the next thing you know, the rescuer is just raping him. It's like, I wish a train would come and just kill me. This day could not get any worse. Yeah.

We're on a train track. Yeah, it definitely can't get wet if it's injured. You imagine laying injured on the fucking side of the road. It's like, yeah, please use lube, because you're not going to get inside of me any other way. What else did this guy fuck? That's what I want to know. Do you think that he had the coconut oil with him or he went back home to get the coconut oil? I'm sure he got it shipped in because I don't think there's any coconuts in India.

Yeah, I have no idea what the coconut population is in India. I just feel like this man just fucks anything that's on the ground. Anything that he stumbles on, he just puts his dick in. Typical India. Yeah, you never know. Don't be a hole in India. You're going to get fucked by Muthulu. Don't be a hole in India.

Muthu. Muthu? Muthu. Muthu. Not Muthulu. Muthulu is formerly known as Muthu. What's that? Why do they keep saying that he only has one name? Is that like... I keep saying he only has one name. They only mention it once in the story, but I think it's a great detail.

I bet he screamed out his name while he fucked a cow. Muthu. Muthu. Muthu. Muthu. Muthu. That's the thing. They probably think the cow's a cat calling him.

Yeah. Just by their normal fucking noise. Just asked for it. Yeah, they probably think the cow's a cat calling him. Yeah. Just by their normal fucking noise, yeah. Just another horny cow. Typical for Muthu. Do you think that the cow was awake and then when he started to have sex with it, it pretended to be asleep? Maybe. I know that story well. Yeah?

You do that, Jackie? You fall asleep, pretend to be asleep When someone tries to have sex with you Yeah because then it's like Oh am I fucking a dead person Yeah totally Yeah right Yeah I'm with that I knew a girl

Or I knew two girls Who had sex with the same guy in college And the guy requested That both of the women Lie completely still While he had sex with them See I was making a joke about that But that is terrifying

That's actually terrifying. At the same time, though, it's just like, at least he gets it out on normal girls who are consensually having sex with him. Like, if you have that need, he channeled it the right way. Fuck a sex doll. As far as we know, he channeled it the right way. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm not going to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Who knows? I've known a lot of ladies who just do that on their own. You don't even have to tell them. So I'm sure they were just like, well, I'm not going to get mad at you. Who knows? I've known a lot of ladies who just do that on their own. You don't even have to tell them. So I'm sure they were just like, well, I'm relieved. This guy doesn't want me to be just like a cow in India, lying on the fucking tracks with my... Let's play Benefit of the Doubt. Helen, do you give him the benefit of the doubt?

I hope so. All right. Kevin, do you give him the benefit of the doubt? I don't even know what's happening anymore, man, but I like it. All right. This is about a dude fucking two chicks who are super still, and the question is, is he a serial killer, and does he want them to be dead? I think that he still wants them to be alive.

No, I'm saying, do you think he has fucked dead people outside of people? Oh, see, I was just thinking he was like a date rapist. He likes to fuck drugged up women. No, no, no, necrophiliac, definitely. Necrophiliac. If you want to fuck a drugged up woman, you better drug me up women. No, no, no. Necrophiliac, definitely. Necrophiliac. If you want to fuck a drugged up woman, you better drug me up. Yeah, at least get some drugs out of it.

I'm not a fucking ventriloquist dummy over here. No, Micah, I know. I'm going to get benefited out. You're going to get benefited out? Yeah. Micah benefited out. This is a story from college, right? Yeah, this is a story from college, yes.

In college, nobody knows how to have sex properly. Yeah. Or a lot of people don't. True. And maybe they were flailing all around. Right. And it was totally consensual and he was like, you know what? Be fish in the water. Just lay here and let me... Micah, now I know you enjoy zebra

fucking. You have no problem with a person fucking a zebra or a donkey. You think that should be illegal. What about necrophilia? Do you think that that's okay if you bang a corpse? Because I'm actually more on par with necrophilia than I am fucking a living animal. Arguably a victimless crime. Right. It is a victimless crime. What do you think?

What does she do in front of the family? Are we talking about having sex with a human corpse? We'll start with the human corpse. Are we talking about fresh like just died? Just'll start with human corpse. We'll go human corpse. Are we talking about fresh, like just died? Just dead. Just dead.

Skin on the bones. Either way. I don't think it makes any difference in this conversation. Right. I don't think it's a victimless crime having sex with a dead person because if their family finds out

that you had sex with them. It's still a fucking victim. But I feel like if you... No, it's not. That person is long gone. But their family is not, and they know that... So the family's the victim of you having sex with a corpse. The family is the victim of that.

What if it's a family member that does it? What if it's all supported by the family? I finally get to fuck my sister kind of deal. The whole family loves it. They think it's great. I don't know if I agree with it. Is it illegal? Is necrophilia illegal?

Oh, it's illegal. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's straight up illegal. I feel like if it was like an organ donor situation where you can check off the box that says, I'll let people have sex with it. Is it illegal? Oh, it's illegal. I feel like if it was an organ donor situation where you can check off the box that says I'll let people have sex with me. My pussy is free to be fucked. Or if you adopt an orphan

and it's your kid, so if you kill it then you can fuck it. I want to donate my pussy to science? No, to dicks. That's like the first good idea you've had. Yeah, man. I think you can safely assume if you donate your body

to science after death, it's going to get fucked by a scientist. I agree with that. This is very interesting. Wisconsin has no laws against necrophilia. Wow.

This is why terrorists want to bring down America. No terrorists are attacking Wisconsin. I think for laws, they either have to be legislated or there has to be precedents. And so there's probably no precedents. There's absolutely no precedents in Wisconsin.

Serial killer capital, Wisconsin. So Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer, extreme precedent. Really? So technically... But they never brought that to trial. It was basically after Ed Gein, they're like, that'll never happen again. So that's really interesting. So Ed Gein was only, you know, he's guilty of murdering two women in a store there.

But for the most part, then, he committed no other crime because he just banged a bunch of corpses. Grave robbing is definitely a crime. Grave robbing, yeah. But he made great furniture with it that didn't break. He had that belt and nipples, which always freaks me out. The belt and nipples get you in here. What if you rob the grave of your dead wife? That's your grave, right?

You paid for it. Yeah, you own a woman when you marry her. Thank you, Jackie. I do think it's till death do you part. That's all I'm trying to say is men own women, right? What are we talking about? Right now, you guys all own me. Right.

And we're just lowly comedians here, but there is an actual lawyer in the room. Sina, what is the logistics, the legal standings on these situations? Is slavery legal yet? Go fuck all of yourselves. How would I ever know something like that? It took three years of law school to be like, necrophilia in America. You would I ever know something like that? It took three years of law school to be like, necrophilia laws in America. You would have to know that, right?

That wasn't on the bar? That was not on the bar. It was not a section to study called How to Fuck Dead Things. We're going to give you the round table bar soon. You're going to have to study for that. It's going to be weird, fucked up crimes. There's still a chapter two of this conversation

where you guys still have to cover dead animal corpses. Right. That still has scarred me. If they're not for eating, you can fuck them. All right. I think Muthu should have taken this cow into a private area. Right. And a goose you can fuck dead or alive.

Yeah, that's true. Like a fancy hotel is where they should be. Exactly. Some place with a sex swing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's true. Like a fancy hotel is where they should be. Exactly. Some place with a sex swing. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, there are Horizon goose laws that you're allowed to have sex with geese. I've heard about that.

By the way, necrophilia is a Class A misdemeanor and subject to a penalty of one year in jail and up to a $2,100 fine. That's it? That's not that bad. Cheaper than a prostitute. It's almost worth it. New York? Yeah.

New York, Marcus? That's not that bad. Cheaper than a prostitute. It's almost worth it. That is various states across... I mean, I got it from Yahoo Answers, so they're not very specific. Absolutely incorrect. Kissel, I feel like of all the people sitting around here that you would be the one to fuck a corpse. No.

Really? You would fuck a corpse earlier than Kissel would fuck a corpse? I think there's a difference between wanting to fuck a corpse and then? You would fuck a corpse earlier than Kissel would fuck a corpse? I think there's a difference between wanting to fuck a corpse and then going ahead and fucking a corpse. I'll tell you what, I definitely as a child

beat off the Mary Jane's Last Dance video. Wow. There you go. You know, and really that beat off the weekend at Bernie's too. That's fine.

That's fine. What was the video that he had where he cut the woman that was a cake? Was that... Oh, don't come around here no more. Hij was the video that he had where he cut the woman that was a cake? Was that the... Oh, don't come around here no more. I jacked off to that one. Yeah.

When she became a cake. Holy Lord, did I love, love that... Cake woman. Oh, yeah. Give me a slice of that cake. Before Kissel would ever bang a dead woman, he'd bang a fucking, you know, ham or something. Yeah. Kevin Barnett's got to go.

He's got things to do with his life. He's a successful man. Thank you, Kevin, for being here. Thank you, Kevin. We love you. I'm just saying why no one's going to hear you for the rest of the episode. Say something nice to the audience. Say goodbye to people, man. Say goodbye to the audience. We love you. Whatever you want to say. Everybody eat a dick.

Suck my meat. Eat some meat. Peace out. Vegetables off of faggots. Whoa! Kevin Barnett, everybody. I love meat. Peace out. Vegetables off of faggots. Whoa! Kevin Burnett, everybody. I love what he's saying. That's much better than your black Irish goodbye. Wow.

Necrophilia is only illegal in less than half of the states in the United States of America. Where do I need to move to get some good fucking dead puss? You can move to New Hampshire. You can move to New Hampshire. New Hampshire. You can move to New Hampshire. In New York City, it's, or New York State, it's a Class A misdemeanor.

It's a felony. So, break down vegetables or faggots real quick? Yeah, what does that mean? It's only a felony in 11 states. And in fact, there are more states in the U.S. where it's a felony, where bestiality is a felony, than there are states where necrophilia is a felony. Interesting.

Kellen, by the way, you're the only gay in the room. You have to sign off on the vegetables, this faggots thing. I'm trying to think, like, what would be the gayest vegetable, and I'm just thinking, like... Cucumber, right? Well, yeah. Squash? No, cucumbers get shit up. No, broccoli, man.

I feel like a group of bananas. Broccoli is a fucking faggot piece of shit. Like a bundle of bananas. That's a fruit, though. I'm going to go for carrot. Carrot? I'm going to go carrot. Yeah, but broccoli is...

Pumpkin's pretty gay. Pumpkin is pretty gay. I guess pumpkin wins. All right. You know what? Pumpkin is pretty gay. I guess it's pretty gay. I don't know.

I feel like a bundle of carrots is a faggot. Yeah. All right. Like a bundle of sticks is actually a faggot? Yeah, you've got to tie a rope around them. We have one more effigotted word left, so someone use it wisely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But a bundle of sticks is actually a faggot.

Well, now we're over our quota. It's a faggot of sticks. Well, now we're double over the quota. Anyway, Marcus, let's get back to the clean news. Tell us more about necrophilia. Well, I think I've pretty much... I've told you all that I can about necrophilia. Let's move on to a new story.

And since the two Jehovah's Witnesses approached him in the front yard of his home, an Arkansas man allegedly had his wife retrieve his 9mm handgun from the residence and then fired 19 rounds at the pair's vehicle. Great. Fuck Jehovah's Witnesses. Wake me up at 8am

trying to sell me a Bible? Fuck you. Shoot them. I'm sick of this. They've had it too good for too long. Jehovah's Witnesses. And they don't celebrate birthdays. Or Halloween. Or Christmas.

You're that religious and you won't celebrate Jesus' birthday? You piece of shit. I don't even know if they believe in Jesus' birthday. I'm not sure what Jehovah's Witnesses believe, quite honestly. I think they believe that Christmas is a pagan tradition that was co-opted by the Christians. Yeah, but what about birthdays? A birthday for yourself takes away the meaning of Jesus'

birthday. Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit. I hate birthdays. I don't like birthdays. I'm kind of with the Jehovah's Witnesses on that. Actually, Ed's birthday was yesterday. It was. Fucking song! Happy birthday to

Ed! Happy birthday to Ed. Happy birthday to Ed. How old are you? I just pulled a pin out of a grenade. Uh-oh. Jolly good. So this guy put 19 shots into this Jehovah's Witness car.

Is that legal or what's the deal with this? That is highly illegal. Yeah, you can't go over 15 when it comes to Jehovah's Witness car. Is that legal, or what's the deal with this? That is highly illegal. Yeah, you can only kick over 15 when it comes to Jehovah's Witnesses. Oh, all right. I didn't realize that. Was the car in his driveway? It was not. It was parked on the curb.

John Baldwin, 35, was arrested for a felony aggravated assault. According to the probable cause affidavit, Baldwin became upset when Laura Goforth and Rachel Boshiers began speaking with him on his front lawn. He said, get your fucking ass off my property. I moved out here to get away from people like you. He's right.

Boshiers 55 told police that after apologizing to Baldwin, she and go forth 47 returned to their car as they were getting into the vehicle, which was being driven by Boshiers husband Emerson. Both women heard Baldwin say, get me my nine. As the three Jehovah's Witnesses drove away, Baldwin began firing in their direction. His wife went and got it for him.

Yeah, somebody bringing your gun to you is awesome. Get me my nine. Yes, yes, absolutely. I'll go get it. Yeah, I mean, yes sir. Now you know how to find a good woman. What a good woman. What a good woman. What a good woman. He'd scream, like, don't do it.

It's a bad idea. Absolutely, yes, honey. I love you. Sometimes you want to do a little yin-yang in your relationship. It might have been better if she was like, you know, maybe we don't. Yeah, but he would have just beaten the shit out of her rightfully, so. Yeah. Rightfully? I disagree with the statement, but that's fine.

Jackie's a woman. If you ask a woman to get you your nine, she gets you your nine. You beat her rightfully or leftfully. She gets beaten up. That is actually probably right. I mean, it's wrong entirely. The whole situation's wrong.

Except, especially the Jehovah's Witnesses. If you're in a situation where a man asks you to get him his nine, and you know that he has a nine, and you know that at some point he's going to ask you to get it for him, then you get it for him. You know what I do? I do something cute. I draw the number nine on a piece of paper,

and I get him the nine. Here. Here. Here's your nine, baby. Oh, don't hit me in my pussy too hard. Well, that's fine. That's fine. Wowzers.

Well, as the three Jehovah's Witnesses drove away, Baldwin began firing in their direction. Emerson Bowshears, 49, told cops that he could, quote, see Baldwin in his rearview mirror pointing a gun and shooting behind his vehicle. In a police interview, Baldwin claimed that after he told Goforth and Bowshears to leave, the women were quote, lollygagging around and continuing to try and speak with him, so he asked his wife Christy to

bring him his gun. So it was two chicks that went to approach the door. The guy, the getaway driver was a man. The getaway driver was a man. This is shenanigans. These are tricks by the Jehovah's Witness trying to get a man, a lonely man, to open up the door to convince him to worship their God with tits and things. Well, Baldwin admitted firing 19 rounds just behind the car. Baldwin added that he, quote, was just letting them know he had a gun and was trying to get them off his property.

That's true. Jehovah's Witness are Mormons. What's worse? You know? Jehovah's Witness. You think so? But the Mormons go and they do the same missionary tape. At least You know Jehovah's Witness You think so But the Mormons go And they do the same

Missionary tape Do you think so I don't think they have Multiple wives Multiple wives Oh that's true The polygamy with the Mormons Yeah

And Jehovah's Witnesses Are aggressive Much more aggressive I feel like Mormons Have better barbecues And also I just think The promise is better With the Mormons

They get their own planet When they die Do they Yeah Wow Not bad You get your own planet. They get their own planet when they die. Do they? Yeah. Wow. Not bad. You get your own planet. Yeah, you get your own planet.

You get nice underwear. I have no idea what Jehovah's Witnesses fucking get. Michael, did you grow up with church-going parents? No. Well, I was Unitarian. Me too. We talked about this before. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Unitarian was great. I was in a computer class with a Jehovah's Witness one time, and we were computer partners, and we had to plug in our birthdays, and that's the saddest I've ever seen a kid. Really? Did he not know his birthday? No, he didn't know his birthday. It's a legal document.

He just didn't know. He had no idea. He had no idea what month it was for. It was just so- But he knew how old he was. His lip was quivering, and he was like, Just make up a fucking day. Let him say a word.

I kind of like that, you know? Just say turtle. Don't put this on me. February 18th. There you go. So what did he end up putting in there? I think we put in 0-0-0-0-0-0-0. Like he was never born at all.

Yikes. Interesting. Michael went to school with a fellow who was a Jehovah's Witness. They had to put their birth date into a computer, and the kid didn't know when he was born. Wow. Yeah, that's sad. Sad. I remember I knew a girl who I was friends with in school, and she was a Jehovah's Witness.

And then as soon as I found out I never talked to her again. You hated her. I'm very I don't I wouldn't consider myself racist but as far as religion goes I got no problem fucking just being an asshole to Jehovah's Witness Mormons. If you're young you have

no fucking choice over it. Jehovah's Witnesses they're also the people that staunchly believe that only 144,000 people will go to heaven. I thought that was Calvinist. Which is, I think, might be both. It's so bizarre that they recruit so heavily. It's a very limited number of people that can make it into heaven. It's just a small town in Wisconsin that can get in there.

Well, they figure something would be a little more isolated. I got so mad when she told me all the rules of being a Jehovah's Witness. I was like, what are you? You fucking life sucks. No anal sex. Run away. What was one thing that she said that made you super pissed off? I was making a joke about Christmas.

She should have loved it. They hate Christmas. She told me she didn't celebrate Christmas. I was like, oh, are you Jewish? And she's like, no, I'm Jehovah's Witness. Ooh, that's the real J word, isn't it? Even my house celebrated Christmas. My mother, we had an old...

Yeah, fake Christmas. Yeah, we had fake Christmas, basically. Christmas. You know, it was my parents had this old tree that was fake that they put up, and my mother put up fake presents. She'd give us the presents on Christmas Eve when we got to open them, but she would have fake presents wrapped and ready to go just as decorations. So when people came over, they would be like, oh, the Middle Eastern family is so American. Oh, that's hilarious.

And we had more Christmas lights on our house than anyone else on the block. Fuck yeah. Overcompensation. Oh, big time. We love America. That's perfect. Here's a weird thing about Jehovah's Witnesses. They believe that the cross is a pagan symbol,

and they believe that Jesus died on a punishment stake. A punishment stake. And what is the difference? It's just one piece of wood rather than two. Oh, I think that's actually true. I like to use a punishment stake. They do say that. By the way, in the studio, Micah Sherman, he's smoking an e-cigarette.

Micah, I want to get your first-hand response when it comes to these e-cigarettes, because it's a very controversial thing. Is it? Oh, yeah. What's so controversial about it? Well, there are a bunch of new laws going out that are trying to ban them as far as the sales to minors. And people are saying that they are leading to a lot more smoking amongst teenagers. Wait, are they legal for minors? Well, technically you have to be 18,

but a lot of people are just giving them to 16-year-olds and things like that. Oh, okay. I mean, it's better than cigarettes. And the thing with the nicotine thing, each little cap, it's equivalent to two packs of cigarettes, and a lot of people are getting nicotine poisoning, my friend Dave included. Wow.

Have you stopped smoking cigarettes entirely and just switched to the E? Since I started, I tried having a couple cigarettes and I felt very woozy. Really? But you smoked before the E cigarette? Yeah, for like 10 years. And now you're really into it? I guess. You feel healthier?

Yeah. Definitely. I'm not smoking fiberglass anymore. That's for goddamn sure. Well, I don't know if that is for goddamn sure. Yeah. I don't know what's in this. Yeah, exactly. And also, aren't we all going to get cancer from our cell phones soon anyway?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm on that new train. That's my new fucking train. I saw a guy, an elephant man guy on the train. Really? Cell phones? You know how how sometimes you see

some... How'd you get that face? Is that how I understand it? What happened to your face? Was it e-cigarettes? I'll keep smoking them then. What do you got going on? Is what you're doing what I'm doing? Too much orange juice!

I'll never have another mimosa again then. I saw a guy on the train who had nothing with him. He had a white shirt tucked into black pants, black boots, and a shake weight. A shake weight? He was just staring around, shaking it every once in a while. So he knew how to fucking do life. Yeah, he knew exactly what he was doing.

Going to heaven. And I had to take a picture of him. And, of course, my flash went off. Right. But I tried to take it. But the guy with the elephant face, I was like, I saw him in the car that went by me. And I was like, I got to go sit next to this guy. So I walked like two train lengths down to go sit next to him.

That's the first time go sit next to him. That's the first time that ever happened to him. No. People were definitely avoiding him, and he was eating a lot of Burger King. Oh, yeah. Because like, what are you going to do? Yeah, you have an elephant man face. Yeah, Whopper.

What is it, Burger King? Or other things from Burger King. Or the Satisfries. What is the elephant man? What is that disease? Well, what the... Elephantitis. The general accepted elephant man, what was his name?

Merrick, way back in the 1800s. What his condition was, was cancer on his bones. Tumors. Okay. That grew out of his bones and just generally fucked him up. It wasn't cancer. It was just benign tumors. It looked like a big, like you know how people

can get like a birthmark, like a big red birthmark? Sure. It just, it's like the birthmark started growing out. Get strong. 3D puzzle. Hanging so that like his mouth was hanging down stroke style. Sure. And his ear was like starting, stroke style. Sure. And his ear was starting to get pulled down.

It was rough. Yeah, like this guy right here. Oh, that's it. Okay, I see what you're saying now. Yeah, we're looking at a picture of this. It was a little more off-putting than that fellow. I remember one time tripping balls in an Albertsons grocery store. And we went to go

we went in there to buy a lobster because we wanted a pet and we're in line paying for this lobster I got like a I made the guy

give me like a bucket of salt water too you know and while we're in line tripping our nuts off two elephant elephant women were right behind us in line.

And it was just like, man, that's the worst thing to see on a head full of acid. Oh, yeah. It's just like... Because that's already the face you're seeing just on normal people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. But, man... What did it look like?

I mean, fucking madness. Yeah. It looked like hell on earth. Can you imagine what face you gave them? Oh, I mean... They must have just felt as terrible as human beings, as elephant beings. No, no, no. You look at them and fucking look right away and it's like, one lobster, please.

Well, I've got an LSD story for you guys. LSD! Yeah. I love that song. An all-night LSD fuel party in Mill Valley, California went wildly out of control early Sunday morning, requiring law enforcement officers from no less than five nearby towns to bring everyone back to Earth. Jeez.

Things started to turn south around 7.30 a.m. Sunday morning when paramedics received a call that a boy had started suffering from seizures after taking acid. EMTs arrived at the scene to find a 16 year old boy covered in blood and using superhuman strength to block their entrance wow the boy became increasingly violent until the paramedics called for backup bringing in everyone from the marin county sheriff's department to mill valley a second call for help brought in additional officers from around the area authoritiesities trying to control the scene had to contend with the original blood-covered boy and his 18-year-old girlfriend, who also turned violent and began spitting blood on the firefighters.

Police found a total of eight party-goers inside the supposedly vacant home, many of them covered in blood. That's it? Only eight people? Eight people. In addition to what police think must have been a bad batch of acid, they also found a stash of marijuana, cocaine, and another designer drug resembling ecstasy. I would go ahead and call it good acid. I would say it's some of the best acid of all time.

Eight people. They got every one of the goddamn neighboring communities to come over and try to arrest them. You know what's funny? I'm going to go off topic a little bit, but I would stalk the whole thing about the brown acid. Don't eat the brown acid because the acid's bad. He freaked everyone out because they all thought they were going to go. Yeah, it was just shitty acid and it didn't give

you a good trip. Somebody was ripping you off by selling you fake acid. And everyone thought it was like, oh no, I'm poisoned. I ate the brown acid, I'm going to die. He was like, no, it's not good. Don't eat it. It's just shitty acid, it's not good. Don't eat it. Yeah. It's just shitty acid. Wow. It's not good.

It's just shitty. You get more fucked up on anything else. Right. Where did all the blood come from? I mean, if it's from the acid, I would say that's bad acid. Yeah. The blood came from the 16-year-old boy who had cut himself and was apparently just touching everyone. Oh.

So it was a pretty good party. Oh. That's a pretty good party. That's a good Jesus thing. That's pretty awesome. So there was eight people. Was the 16 year old boy presumably probably the youngest person, right? I mean, it doesn't say the ages of everyone else, but his girlfriend was 18, so yeah.

He's a swinging ass dude. Superhuman strength. Thinks he's Jesus, rubbing his blood on everyone, banging an 18 year old. That's so bad. This kid's doing alright for himself. Or he held the party hostage with his bloody hand.

He's like, who invited the kid? And then he tries to keep the paramedics out. Guy's kind of a buzzkill. One time I ate acid when I was 16, and I thought I saw the snake that Jafar turned into in Aladdin. Whoa. What did he actually say?

He didn't say anything, but he came out of the clouds, and he wanted to get in the car with us. See, I'm too big a pussy. I like my mushrooms, but I've never done acid. Who here's done acid besides me? Yeah, yeah. I've done acid. You got some good acid trips?

You had a good time? I mean, I, last time I did acid, I kept thinking, I kept seeing and hearing and feeling the idea of shark skin being ripped. What is the idea of shark skin being ripped. What is the idea of shark skin being ripped feel like? It's got this, you know, because they talk about shark skin, if you pet it one way, it's incredibly smooth and leather like, but if you go the other way, you can actually cut your hand because it's so smooth. So like cutting that

was just like this thick flesh, this tearing of flesh. So that was fun. Was it during Shark Week? Were you watching Shark Entertainment? No, I was going to go fishing the next day. Oh, okay. I thought about that. Did I go fishing with you the next day?

No, that was a different trip. And then I went to Prospect Park and streaked. Nice. You got naked on acid. Oh, yeah. I mean, that's... How's the dick on acid? Does it hang?

It gets tiny, right? Yeah, it wasn't good for me. Acid dick. Acid dick was weird. I thought I was having sex with an alien, that I was an alien. Really? Yeah. And you were trying to jack off with it and stuff like that. No, I was having intercourse.

With who? A woman? A woman. But she wasn't an alien. She was not a woman. She was an alien. She felt like you were fucking an alien. I thought I was an alien race having sex with another member of my alien race. Was she on acid? A little bit. And did she feel like you were an alien? No, she was having a great time.

Yeah, she just liked fish. Strain cheese incident and shit like that. I remember her falling asleep, and then I remember looking at her, and I was like, she looks so peaceful falling asleep. And then I couldn't fall asleep, but I was like,

I would cut off my leg right now if I could be that asleep right now. Interesting, interesting. But you know what's funny? I was like, I would cut off my leg right now if I could be that asleep right now. Interesting. But you know what's funny? The next day, I was so happy I did it. I feel great. So you came while you thought she was an alien. Oh, I had alien jism.

Really? Yeah, yeah. And was it a better orgasm or a worse orgasm? Spiky and glowy and fun, yeah. It was fine. Wow. Spiky. Interesting. A little spikes. Icicles. Jizz and fun. It was fun. Wow. Spiky. Interesting.

Little spikes. Icicles. Chis icicles. Chis icicles. Marcus, you fucked on acid, right? Yeah. A lot of things. No, it was great.

I fucked on acid. It was pretty much like missionary style the whole time, but me and the girl both felt like we both thought that we had changed positions multiple times. Never had. Nice. Yeah, it felt like this transcendent experience. It was amazing. Becoming one with her. Yeah.

I fucked on acid at Bonnaroo. I was real proud of myself. Whoa, in a tin. I fucked on acid at Bonnaroo too. You guys fuck each other. Interesting. I knew you looked familiar. That's great. Is that how we met? That's nice.

So, you know, what's the best drug to fuck on? Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly, Molly. You know, it's so weird because people are coming up to me and it's like, have you ever heard of this drug called Molly? Yeah, in 1997. 12 years ago. What are you talking about? Got your Molly.

Got your Molly. Some guys can't, you know, get strung like bull on molly, but, you know. Women can get wet as slip and slide. That's the problem. You know, Kellen, you don't deal with the luxury of a wet pussy, so you got to go into a dry butt with the best gauge rod. There's a magical world for all women. If molly's okay.

There's equivalents. Coconut oil? Yeah.ents. Coconut oil? Yeah. Yeah, coconut oil. Oh, it's wrestling and fun. Drone down a railroad. It's wrestling and fun. What's the best gay drug to fuck on?

Is there a difference? What a go-ahead Molly. Poppers? Ecstasy. Ecstasy? Yeah, same thing as Molly. Poppers? Poppers.

Yeah. Poppers is cool because you get crazy. I thought meth was. What kind of crazy do you get? Like how... Go in. Like rip crazy? No, it's just because you're...

I don't know. It's both... Imagine an adult man. Okay. Oh, yes. I'm having trouble. Yeah, it's definitely looking around this room. What does an adult man look like?

I have no clue. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Imagine an adult man look like? I have no clue. Oh, I'm sorry. I imagined an adult man, yes. We imagined him. Yeah, we got him. And then you just want to be supportive. Yeah. All I can think about is Charlie Rose fucking you down.

That's the best way I've ever heard Kay described. Wow. And you just want to be supportive. He's a nice dude. You just want to help him out. Yeah. I can imagine that. Yeah. You're a selfless day. You just want to help them out. Yeah. I can imagine that. Yeah.

You're a selfless man. You can play video games afterwards. I can get behind that. Hello. You do the Lord's work. It's a real charity. You know what I don't recommend is huffing some gas

and fucking an old trucker woman. Yes. That's not good. Lot lizards. Yeah. You should not do that. I don't believe you. I had one time, one more acid story.

One time we all ate a bunch of acid in high school, and we started watching Fantasia. And at the end of Fantasia, when the devil comes out of the clouds, the devil came out of the clouds, and my friend stood up, pointed at the TV, and goes, that's him! That's it.

That's it. That's it. What are drugs that you can't fuck on? Acid, mushrooms. That you can't? Mushrooms, I have no. Adderall. Adderall's a top. Those all work for me.

Mushrooms, no. Adderall definitely works. Adderall turns my penis into a fucking brown unhappy. Oh, no, no, no. Adderall makes you unhappy? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I, no, no. Adderall makes you unhappy? Yeah. Really?

Yeah. I've never heard of such a thing. Of all things, a brown unhappy. I like that. Jackie and Cena are high-fiving her for their sexual exploits on Adderall. Oh, no. No, Adderall's the way to fucking go.

I would fuck for days and not stop on Adderall. Really? Cena, any drug that you've ever taken where you wanted to fuck on the drug and you were like, we're going to do this and bang, and then you took the drug and you were like, we're going to do this and bang. And then you took the drug and you're like, oh, there's no fucking way whatsoever. I'm completely destroyed.

Smoking weed. Never. You're a sex whore. It's never happened. Even on mushrooms, I was able to have sex and I'm a yawner on mushrooms. So like you just yawn. I yawn. You were fucking and yawning.

I was in a threesome and i was actually yawning in the middle of the threesome oh do you guys think cena's enjoying this i think he's great i don't want to do this some more something like that so you yawned when you were fucking two chicks. Yeah. You're a hero. Well, you didn't specify. Oh, that's right.

That is a good point. It was two chicks. But that's a good question to ask. No, you've been with a man. It was a chick and a dog. Sexuality. That's right. The dog was injured.

It was a dead dog. A dead cow. That's okay. It was the bad guy. The cow was on acid. Oh, that's fine. A dead cow. It was the bad guy. The cow was on acid. Oh, that's fine. That's fine. Hey, Muthu, you want to hop in real quick? What's that?

No, thanks. Brought my own. I think that's totally fine. All right, Marcus. Let's go to another story. Hours after trying out for a spot on the Family Feud game show, a Joliet Central High School security guard shot his new wife to death early Monday and then turned the gun on himself.

Joliet's tough place, man. Put him on Family Feud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's the most Family Feud Family Feud has ever been. Yeah, exactly. How did he not get on the show? He fucking shot his wife. Well, they ran out of, they didn't have enough players.

Ah, yeah. Gotta keep the wife. That is true. Got to have four. Did he say, survey says, dead? No, I mean, he said it. What are you going to do with your wife after this audition? Shoot her.

Survey says one. One. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Marcus T. Crosby and family members tried out. Hey, Marcus. Yeah, Marcus. Congratulations, buddy. Good job.

Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. Marcus T. Crosby and family members tried out for the popular game show on Sunday, but his wife, Kiara Hosey, did not. A person at the couple's home who did not. Marcus and Kiara, they sound white. Yeah, they do.

A person at the couple's home who did not want to be identified confirmed the tryout. A spokeswoman for Family Feud said production staffers were in transit Monday and could not confirm the appearance. Will County Sheriff's Police said officers responded to a report of shots fired at 12.08 a.m. Monday at the house on the 200 block of Independence Avenue, where officers found Hosey, 35, and Crosby, 36, with fatal gunshot wounds. Police said a relative of Crosby, who also lived in the house, heard the shots fired. He told police the couple had been fighting

in their bedroom. Police say Crosby shot Hosey and then killed himself. Yikes. This sounds unrelated to the Family Feud thing. Yeah, I feel like the Family Feud thing just so happens that he auditioned for the Family Feud. I don't know.

Maybe he was mad that she didn't come along for the Family Feud. Maybe. That she had vital information that could have been used in the Family Feud. Maybe he was mad that she didn't come along for the Family Feud. Maybe. That she had vital information that could have been used in the Family Feud tryout. Bitch! I needed you! Yeah, it's possible. How many adult

sons do you think have left the Family Feud after losing and then gotten beaten by their father? Oh, just a couple of them. Just a couple? You can see it too. Have you ever watched the old ones? Oh, yeah.

They're really competitive. It's almost impossible to get the family feud right because who knows who they're talking about with these questions and it's all just... I've never been asked. It's all bullshit. It's all just make-believe stuff, you know? I don't like it. I don't like the family. Where do they hold these surveys? In malls! In malls?'t like the fact... Where do they hold these surveys?

In malls! In malls? They just go to malls and they talk to people. Times Square? Yeah, they talk to the dumbest people. I feel like I've never been asked like a man on the street, so I've been listening

to a lot of Howard Stern lately. They do a lot of man on the street stuff. I never see these. Where do these happen? Because you've got somewhere to go. Yeah, I guess. I don't time for a survey. Yeah, I just never...

I've never had someone come up to me and ask me random questions for a show or something, but I feel like it happens left and right. Oh, I've never had someone come up to me and ask me random questions for a show or something, but I feel like that happens left and right. Oh, I've been asked random questions for shows. Happens for a week. You look very approachable for that, though. Because whenever I go outside, I just look up.

Guy's not doing anything. The world is full of wonders. I always have a map stapled to my coat. You gotta do it. I've been asked a couple times, maybe they're like student projects or something, and I've certainly been asked if I wanted to go see Letterman. I wanted to go see Comedy Central's show. Yeah, yeah.

I did an MTA survey one time. That was fun. Oh, I'd love to do that. She's like, what can we do to improve your L train experience? I was like, make sure he fucking runs. Yeah. That would be great. Yeah, that's perfect.

Hey, Marcus, can you get us some sample Family Feud questions? Absolutely. Oh, let's play Family. Yeah. Let's do Roundtable Family Feud. Top ten answers for just everybody. I have to register. All right, register it in.

Ben, kissro721 at Yahoo.com. He's like, I'll be performing at Mildred Curry. Who was the guy on Family Feud who used to mouth kiss everybody? Dawson, Richard Dawson. Is that the one who killed himself? That's not the one who killed himself. The one before him killed himself. No, it was Ray.

No, the one after him killed himself. Ray Combs. Yeah, Ray Combs. His son used to do comedy. It one before him killed himself. No, it was Ray. No, the one after him killed himself. Ray Combs. Yeah, Ray Combs. His son used to do comedy. It was like during filming backstage. It was great. What's Al Borland's real name? All right.

I think it's Al Borland. I've got some. All right, all right, all right. Let's do this. Name something people often steal from the office to use at home. Stem. Paper. All right, we're saying I think Micah got it first. What? What the fuck? We need to establish what the? Stem. Paper. All right. We're saying, I think Micah got it first.

What? What the fuck? We need to establish what the buzzer is. All right. All right. So we'll go on to the next question.

What is the buzzer? I see all the answers so I can't do it. What is the buzzer? The buzzer is... That's the buzzer. You have to... All those took away.

All right. Name a reason why a person might turn down a job. God damn it. All of you did it at the same time. Marcus, choose.

Ben. Not enough money. Not enough money. Bing! Survey says low-pay salary 60, number one.

Wow! That's right. You know what? And we will play. Good answer. Good answer. It is me, Sina, and Micah. Why? All right. Why can what, Ed? We will play. Good answer. Good answer. It is me, Sina, and Micah.

Oh, good. Why? All right. Good. All right. Yeah. Why can't I play? Because you're on Ed Marcus. You're in my family.

Yeah, you're in a different family. You fucking look like me. No, the different family, it would be, yeah, it's going to be Jackie, Ed, Holden, and Kellen. They've got four. Okay, we have three. But Sina and Micah don't look like Kissel. Oh, I know. Yes, we do.

Now. Jackie, you're our buzzy. The three of us. You're our buzzer, so've got four. Okay, we have three. It might not look like Kissel. Oh, I know. Yes, we do. Now. Jackie, you're our buzzy. The three of us. You're our buzzer, so. All right. All right. Name a reason why a person... Oh, wait, no.

We've got to go to a new one, right? Yeah. All right. No, you finish it out. You finish it out. Yeah, you finish it at the same time. Yeah, with your family. That's right.

How many answers are there? Oh, yeah, once you've got control of the board. How many answers are there? Eight. All right, so this is just for us three. Yeah, and you guys get three strikes. Okay, three strikes. Here we go, guys. All right, so this is just for us three. Yeah, and you guys get three strikes. Okay, three strikes.

Here we go, guys. All right. I'm going to say long commute. Long commute. Good answer, good answer. Good answer, good answer. Survey says location distance number two. Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Family schmuck. All right, 17. We're going to see it, John. 17 points. All right. Name a reason why a person might turn down a job. Here we go, Cena. No health benefits.

No health benefits. That's a good answer. Good answer. Lousy benefits, number seven. All right. Two points. Two points. All right.

Two points. All right. Ben? Back to me. He's using his Iranian fucking term. Someone might turn down a job. It's Iran. It does get hard.

I've seen responding to a mispronunciation of Iran. All right. Name a reason. I said Iranian. Don't like your coworkers. Don't like your coworkers. Dislike of coworkers. Turn down a job offer?

Am I drunk? Okay, all right. I don't know. I'm sorry. You know what? I'm going to give it to you. Don't like the boss. Two points.

You didn't fucking give that to him. He said co-workers, not fucking boss. Co-workers is a boss. We're all equal around here. The boss already has another job. A better job offer. Better job offer. Better job offer.

Better job offer. Number eight. You got two points. Yes. I'm in this. This is amazing. Is that it Number eight. You got two points. That's amazing. Is that it? No, you got to go. There's two more. Two more?

No, we have no strikes, though. Okay, cheat. So they should be talking. Question again. You got two more. Why wouldn't you turn down a job? Name a reason why a person might turn down a job. Overqualified. Over job? Overqualified.

Overqualified? Overqualified. Too bad. Oh, wow. All right. Cena's dick is out. Full awards. There's one more answer?

What number is this? There's one more answer. The number three answer. Okay. Number three answer. Actually, there's two more. There's number three and number four. Okay, what's the question?

Name a reason why a person might turn down a job. Mr. Kissel. All right. Let's say pregnant stay. I have to stay at home for the family. Stay at home for the family. All right, stay at home for the family. I like it.

All right. That's all right. That's only one strike. I can't save, right? I can't save for the can't like save for the group No you're gonna We get to If they get three strikes

We get to come in I've got two answers I'm just gonna say one That's great We talk it over Alright Micah Name a reason

Why a person Might turn down a job Circumstances change What does that even mean Circumstances do change I thought it was fake enough. All right, Cena. Can't pass a drug test.

All right, if you further steal. Wait, that's not. Got a better job offer? Got a better job offer. What do you think, Kellen? I feel like that's the number one. Better job offer, Jackie? You like it? Better job offer.

We're going to go better job offer. Yeah, they already got that one. Oh, fuck. Okay, laziness. Laziness? They don't take a job. No, what are you talking about? They don't take a job.

This is family feud. No, no, no, no. They want their, what are they? They're black. No, no. Oh, self-destructing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Do we actually already lose?

Ryan's going to beat you after this. No, no, you guys get a guess. You have to give me an answer, an actual answer. All right. Okay. What if they're already on welfare? They're already on unemployment. Already on unemployment?

That's why I don't take a job. That's literally not. Why would someone not take a job? Why would someone not take a job? Five, four, three. They're already on unemployment. Yeah. Is that it for us? What are we taking? The next two. Three. They're already on unemployment. Yeah! Is that it for us?

What are we going to take him? The next two. The schedule. Number four. You don't like the job. What? Come on. Of course, that's easy.

You don't like the job. Why did you apply for that job? Fuck you. I mean, that's a big body. Yeah, I said they're black. What? Jesus Christ. Oh, God.

You don't like the job. Why would you go through the whole interview process and go, wait a second. I don't like this at all. You want it. It doesn't matter. That's why no one watches that show. All right. All right.

I hate this. That was number four, by the way. Right. All right. So, well, we got to give one to the other team. Do we have time? This is so weird that we're doing this. Is this the segment? This is the segment.

This is the segment. And now a segment from somebody else. Are we going to play Carmen Sandiego after this? I love that game. Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Hello, Gunsham. What's up, Cal? What's our order?

I'm the dad. Jackie's the wife. You're my brother. Uncle Creepy. Yeah, and Cal is our gay kid. Uncle Creepy. We don't talk about it, though. We don't.

The Larson family. I miss Cal, and why am I not invited to Thanksgiving anymore? I can't talk about it. I miss Kellen. Why am I not invited to Thanksgiving anymore? I can't talk about this with you guys. Kellen, if you don't do good at this, then I just don't know what to do with you. Give him to me. I'll put him to work. Uncle Creepy Hands is an architect.

All right. Tell me something of yours that you swear is possessed. Something of mine that I swear is possessed. How many are there? There's always eight. There's always eight. Can I talk to you about it, Ed? I'm going to switch it up.

Switch it up. I'm going to switch this one up, actually. We surveyed 100 married women. What do moms really want for Mother's Day? Let's switch this one up, actually. Okay. We surveyed 100 married women. Okay. What do moms really want for Mother's Day? What do moms really want? I like the possessed one. I'm going to go ahead and say flowers.

Flowers, number two. Ding, ding, ding. 16 points. All right, all right. Like a day spa or something. Okay, Jackie? I hate you guys. I hate you guys.

Yeah, it's got to be chores. Or breakfast in bed. It's a cleaning thing. So I'm going to say cleaning the house. Clean the house. Clean the house. All right, all right. See?

They did not survey any of those fucking mothers. All right, all right. Breakfast in bed. Uncle Creepy Hands is always at the last position. I say a night out. A night out. A night away from the family is what it should be. Something like that.

You know, dinner, I'll give it to you. What number was that? Seven points. Seven points. That was number four. Alright, hold on. Where'd they get these fucking mothers? Breakfast in bed. I know it's these fucking mothers? Breakfast in bed.

I know it's like dinner, but breakfast in bed. We already got two strikes, guys. For Mother's Day. All right. All right. All right. What do you got? Well, Marcus Lee.

Jewelry. Jewelry. Jewelry. All right. What do moms... I was trying to whisper something into my ear. Yes, say jewelry. Okay.

Jaundice? Yes. Okay. Jaundice? Yes. Chocolate. Jaundice. Jaundice. Jewelry. What do moms really want for Mother's Day? You can't yell stuff out on those creepy hands.

What do moms really want for Mother's Day? Yeah. Yeah, I'll go jewelry. Ding! Jewelry, six. Yeah, baby. Six points. Number six?

What did we get, two? That was actually number eight. I was just asked to be recognized as a mother of children. No, no, no, no. That's not my answer, Marcus. I know it's not. I have to wait until everyone claps all at once. Okay, then that's the answer.

Well, yeah, right? It's like, get rid of the family. That's what mothers's the answer. An abortion. Well, yeah, right? It's like get rid of the family. That's what mothers really fucking want. A time machine. A time machine. A way to get away from, an escape from this prison. Three hour orgasm. I'm going to say.

Don't say something. A good vacuum. Time alone. Time alone. Time alone. Time alone. Number three. Nine points. Time alone. Time alone. Time alone. Number three, nine points. Go fuck you, mothers.

Fucking sop your fucking vaginas, you pieces of shit. Almost knew how to be a woman. Sorry. Wow. I'm sorry. It is true, though. Don't have any kids. A card.

All right. Why is she talking to the microphone, Cal. A card. I don't know. He's just deliberating. We're just discussing. Something handmade. I don't know how blanket.

What is a general way to express that sentiment? Something more solid. What do you guys want to talk about? No, something for the kids. Something from the kids. Something personal. Michael, what do you think? Personal from the kids.

Not how it's done. So what do you think? Personal from the kids. I can't help. I already said jaundice. What do you think? Personal from the kids. You can't help, Sina. I can't help how it's done. Kissel, what do you think? Personal from the kids. I can't help. I already said jaundice. What do you think? Personal from the kids. You can't help, Sina.

I can't help. All right. Something personal from the kids. I've been having one idea in my mind. I think Marcus is being lenient. I think we should go with that. What? Personal from the kids.

Something personal from the kids. Handmade. Handmade. Something handmade from the kids. You know what? I'm going to go ahead and give it to you. A card. Yes!

All right. A card? Yes. That's not something handmade. Yeah, a card. You write it on the card. You make a card. Yeah, because if you have fucking kids, they're not going to go ahead and give it to you. A card. Yes! A card? Yes. That's not something handmade. Yeah, a card. You write it on the card. You make a card. Yeah, because if you have fucking kids, they're not going to call you.

Thank you, Marcus. Thank you, Marcus. All of our cards are going to make it. How many more spots do we have left on this? You have one, two, three, four. Clean the house with one left. Mommy Holden. You have four left.

Think about your mother. What are you going to buy for? 100 licks on their fucking... Oh, no, you've got three left. Okay. Oh, and it's nothing about masturbation. Appliance. Like a household appliance.

What are you going to buy for Mommy Holden? 100 licks on their what? Or a trick. Or a trick. Clit elongation medicine. No, a trick. A trick. Like a household appliance. What are you going to buy for mommy, Holden? 100 licks on their what, Holden? Or a trip. Or a trip. Clit elongation medicine. No, a trip. A trip.

A trip. A vacation. A vacation. A vacation. Bing! Yes! Unbelievable. Yes! Because then baby gets in there with mommy on the hotel.

And it's like, ooh, we're in a new place. We're in like a clean new place. Cut his mic. Cut his mic. Absolutely. Wait, do we have one left a new place. We're in like a clean new place. Cut his mic. Wait, do we have one left? Two left. You have two left. God damn, how many fucking things do they fucking expect? Eight.

Eight. Maybe like, okay, I know this is a little weird but I think it might be on there. Sexy high heels, but the heel is like a rattler for baby. That's not a bad idea. I was thinking maybe some clothes might be a bad idea. There are two left.

If you guys get these two, then you win by default. No, because we won the last one. No, you guys didn't win the last one. You guys missed. No, but they went over. We gave it to them, and they came back to us. But you got less points after that. Yeah.

I'm going to go over the point system here. I'm just going to go say it. That's not how that works. I'm going to go dress. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes. Clothes.

Clothes. All right. Well, this one. Clothes? Clothes. Oh! All right. It's chocolate.

The answer is chocolate. Chocolate? Chocolate. Number one, love. Oh, go fuck yourself. Fuck this. I fucking hate it. Family slash love.

No, go fuck yourself. That's not what you want. You want material items. You already have family. That doesn't even mean anything. It's an abstract concept, man. What about intimacy or some deep dicking? Yeah.

Yeah, fucking right. Once you fucking pop a fat sausage. Wait, where are we at in the game here? It's gone off the rails. The last thing you want is sex. We won because we're the one. Well, I have to add this up

very quickly because I have to see if you want to steal. We said chocolate. Is chocolate on there? Are they going to steal? We said chocolate. Chocolate is not on there.

Yay! So it's tied right now. It's tied. So it's tied right now. What was the other one? The other one was perfume. Perfume? Oh.

What is this from 19-fucking-23? They don't want chocolate? Come on. Who doesn't want chocolate? Well, this is Family Feud Season 7, so this is like 1982. I see what you do. Hey, let's do a tiebreaker one. You give us both the question, and whoever's ranked higher on the list,

then that's who wins. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll trade them here. Yeah. All right. Two teams. All right. We got to confer.

This one is for you, Cena. I kind of want Cena's team to win. I'm sorry, guys. What might you do right after your boss says, you're fired? Masturbate. Suck his dick. Go on the round table of gentlemen. Skydiving.

Take him to paradise. Damn, that's a hard question. Burger King. Cry. Have it your way. Number one, cry. Cry. All right, he. Cry. What?

All right, he did it. Can we get a different question then just in case? If we can get number one on the next one, we'll rally. Because there's no point in us even answering. We'll rally. All right. Where was look for a new job on that list? Jackie, you're the point person on this. Look for a new job?

That was number three. Where did Jackie get it? Number what? Number three. Damn, so close. I had a good one. Look for a new job is what I was gonna say. I never lose. Alright, so do you guys

wanna go, just go one and one questions? Just give me another, just give us a different question so that we even have a chance. Alright. We surveyed 100 women. Okay, yeah. Yeah, right, but fucking women, they fucking find the gutters. Nice. Name a sport you'd only watch

if the players were naked. Football. Oh my God, football. Number one, football. Yes! We're still in the game. We're still in the fucking game. Wow, we are still in the game.

I was technically the point person. Yeah, what's up with that? Because it was definitely football, Jackie. It was football. It's the American game show. It's the American game show. It's the American game show. They're ramming into each other. They hit each other with this fucking stick.

So this time I think we'll only be able to just ask one question unless you guys take the number one. Yeah, because they have no teeth. I would rather fuck a hockey player over a football player because they won't hit me and they'll gum at my clit. That's true. They might hit you. So let's not run ahead.

Every team gets to deliberate and then we'll do one last. Yeah, but football is the clear answer. All right. Unless there's a clear answer and then you can just say it. Just football. Fucking tight ass fucking. Okay, Marcus. What's going on?

Name something some men wear and some men don't. Is this for us? Yeah. Is this for me? Yeah. Is this for me? Whoa. Sure. Name something some men wear and some men don't. I'm going to say cologne.

Nice. Are you guys going to go with that? Yeah. Cologne. Absolutely. That's a really good answer. Number three answer. Ooh.

Ooh. Ooh. All right, so we get a chance to stay in the undershirt. It's on you. Do you want me to give you my suggestion? Yeah, what's your suggestion? Underwear. Undershirts.

No, not underwear. Undershirts. Guys, free ball. Or ties. I was thinking girdles. I think tie is a good one. Ties because some men don't wear ties. Girdles, men don't wear girdles.

Underwear. Chalk straps. Underwear. Ties. Chalk straps is too weird. Don't forget purple sunglasses. All men wear underwear. You got to think about the men or dudes.

I think undershirt is better. I know people with free ball. Are we going underwear? I don't want the pressure to be on me. What do you got? Chocolate. Underwear is too subversive. I'm going to go undershirt.

Shit, man. You should have gone with underwear. God damn it. Fuck you. God damn it. Underwear number one. Fucking God damn it. Undershirt number seven. That's right. All right. God damn it. Underwear number one. Fucking god damn it. Undershirt number seven.

That's right. All right. We did it. Sina John, Micah Sherman, Ben Kissel dominate. Family feud. Can we end this? I'm so pissed. We are a family.

That's right. All right, Jack. Come on up, my sisters and me. Hell yeah. Marcus, thanks for being here. Kellen, Micah Sherman, Sina John. Oh, no. I out all my sisters and me. Hell yeah. Marcus, thanks for being here. Kellen, Micah, Sherman. See you next time. Oh, no.

I'm Ben Kissel. Jackie's upset. Bearstearnsbravo.com. Bearstearnsbravo.com. Oh, and follow me. We've never done this. Follow Roundtable on Twitter. RT of gentlemen, please.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Follow Roundtable on Twitter and all of us on Twitter. Go fuck yourself, though.