The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 167: Cowboy Hitler

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man fakes his own kidnapping so he can go out drinking with his buddies, a lunch lady pays two kids to beat up a third, and a man in Mexico is arrested for padlocking his wife's pants. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Thanks for my BTK. I watched that. It civility. Thanks for my BTK. I watched that. No, that's what I watched. I watched the Anne Rand documentary. Boring.

It's not loop. Why? You watched an Anne Rand documentary? Yeah, she's a fascinating person. Read up! Read up! Isn't she an Asian woman who writes about architecture? What? What are you talking about?

That's insanity. Someone has never read Fountainhead. All right, are we starting? He is an architect in Fountainhead. By the way. He is an architect in Fountainhead, so I will give an Asian woman credit for that. People have several random facts together to create a fake bio for Anne Lentz. I appreciate it.

I mean, that's all she is to me. I'll tell you that much. Well, she's not, though, so it doesn't even matter. All right, welcome to the round table. I'm praying today, so thank you, Satan. Holden's not here.

Amen. That's it. Amen. Thank you so much. Oh, shit. Is he actually here? School! I'm a girl.

I hate it. Thank God. It's nice to have a respectable show for once. Oh, fuck yes. Wonderful. God damn it. Fuck you, Holden.

Yeah, fuck you, Holden. It's nice not to be fucking slipping every time I stand up on this goddamn grease trail. He's got goo coming out of his shoes. Goo shoes.

All right. Who is everybody? Let's go through the normal roll call, I guess. Jackie Zabrowski. My button popped off my shirt today, and my breast keeps showing its little head. That is disgusting sounding. Jackie's titties have got heads. I got heads on my titty.

I got a dick. Wow. Ed Larson. I can't back that up. Definitely not. Are they dick heads for nipples? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no. They're like penis heads instead of nipples.

Those are the worst kind of titties. Easy to get the milk in. Good piss milk. Broken. Sitting in for the aforementioned Holden McNeely. Bunkers Radio 99. Hey, you fuckers. Yeah,unkers Radio 99, boy, boy. Yeah, you fuckers.

Yeah, fuckers. Yeah. That's perfect. I think that's your best impression yet, Henry. Oh, I can be Holden, but better. Please don't. Please don't be Holden. Because my body is better, in a way. It sort of is, actually.

My men, oh, yeah, because his body just looks like a, I don't know, like someone stretched out a fucking Ronald Reagan mask. That's about right. Man, I'm Kevin Barnett, and I support everything Harry just said. All right, I bet, of course. And then we got Marcus. And Marcus, let's just do it. Someone squirted eggs all over this chair.

Oh, yeah? I wonder who it was. It was fucking Holden. Fuck you. Yeah, by the way, Eddie is was. It was fucking Holden. Fuck you. Yeah, by the way, Eddie is just down at a sandwich right now. I am starving.

Yeah, I'm about to go get these flautas in about two minutes. That's perfect. Everyone's eating today. Living life. I mean, now that Holden's gone, we can actually eat

in this room, which is really nice. I'm choking down vomit. God damn it. It's like a black smoke just comes off his fucking body. It is wild.

It's bizarre. Marcus, all right, what's the story, buddy? A man faked his own kidnapping in front of his terrified wife so he could spend the night boozing with his pals. Gold star for the day. That's great. This is going to be an Owen Wilson movie in like a year and a half. Yeah, exactly.

Rogelio Andoverde arranged for two masked men to grab him from his home in Edenburg, Texas. His horrified wife watched as he was dragged at gunpoint from the house and driven away. She called cops who launched a hunt for the 34-year-old. Andoverde's wife spent more than five hours with police being interviewed as police

searched for the kidnapped victim. Her husband returned home the following day and said his kidnappers, quote, just let him go. It's like the bravest slash least brave man on earth. Just get out of the house. It's his wife. Shouldn't you just be able to tell your wife, like,

honey, I'm going out drinking with the guys tonight. Not in tech hands sometimes. It was crazy. I actually wrote, because there was at one point there was a thing we were supposed to be submitting for like this submitting for some German commercial for a plane company, and I wrote that exact thing. That's so funny. Like a dude whose wife was this bitch,

and it was supposed to be their great customer service. So I had people show up in the house dressed all in black, kidnap the dude, throw him in a bag, throw him in a van, and drive off, and he's just at the bar with his friends. Right. Did they just send you back? You're like, that's not plausible not plausible cabin i'm sorry you if they did you gotta send him that story holden actually did this in college he got kidnapped he was a part of a thing they used to call art that's right they used to do art things okay he got kidnapped from a party by a bunch of

dudes in mass one of them is the guitarist for cobra stars Starship now. Yeah. Yeah, what's his name? Very famous. Ryland Blackington. And Matt Hobby, who's on Boardwalk Empire. So Holden still sucks. Wow. He has a mouth to hear. Two celebrities. He was the only one not wearing a mask.

Well, he's always kind of wearing a mask. He looks like a man with a face transplant. Mm-hmm. I never slept when I was a kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He got kidnapped by those celebrities, and what happened? People freaked out, right? Yeah, they were a bunch of drama nerds, and they took a bat, and they slammed the coffee table with it and pretended to hit Holden and dragged him out and threw him in a car.

Oh, God, they got to live such a fun fantasy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love to do that so fucking much. That's insane. Except for the one person in the back just going like... Thank God. Get him out of here. Kill him. one person in the back just going like, thank God. Get him out of here.

Kill him. Kill him. Finally, I can drink my own beer. Yeah. Holden loves to drink other people's beers. That's his favorite brand. Fuck you, Holden.

Yeah. Still got him coming for an hour. Fuck you, Holden. Bonkers Radio. It is the best. I love fucking Bonkers Radio so much. Which we'll be hearing at the end of this episode.

That's right. If you haven't heard it already. So what happens to this guy? It's illegal to fake kidnap yourself, right? Yep. Police became suspicious of his story, and he later confessed he made up the story because he wanted a night out with his friends without his wife. Two friends had posed as his abductor is wearing masks to hide their faces and carrying guns.

Sheriff Trevino said, we took this incident very seriously because of the circumstances described to us by his wife. People don't just barge into your house and kidnap you for the hell of it. He said, and Averde confessed that he wanted to go out partying with his friends and came up with the plan. He added, I don't think his wife appreciated being kept until four or five in the morning, being interviewed by the cops while her husband was out doing who knows what with who knows who. I mean, they know who and they know exactly what he's doing. He was playing Big Butt Hunter and like sliders and they were having a good time. I think you misspoke with Big Butt Hunter, but Big Butt Hunter does sound like a much, much better game.

It's a little dildo that you shoot instead of a shotgun. And just goes up inside the ass and they're all like, ooh, much better game. It's a little dildo that you shoot instead of a shotgun. And it just goes up inside the ass, and they're all like, ooh, thank you. Yeah. Perfect sights. Wow. Oh, and I do want to thank one of our listeners for posting to the Facebook page that wonderful video

of a woman getting a dildo removed from her anus. Oh, that was your... And he did not see this. No, I missed it. Show it to Ed. I would love to get his reaction. Michael Hill. Thank you his reaction. Michael Hill. Thank you very much, Michael Hill.

It's a medical video, and it starts off as many pornography films that involve anal sex do start off. I hate butt stuff, man. Oh, you don't like it at all? Yeah, we've discussed that. And they are using the forceps to pry open her butt.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. It's all the way in there. And I'm pretty sure this happened in Asia somewhere. Yeah, she slipped on a banana and she fell on top of it. She looks a little brown for Asia. Well, if you could hear the noises she's making. Oh, no, no, no.

I think everyone turns Asian once they get a fucking dildo. This is horrible. We don't have to finish this. No, no, you have to finish it, yeah, because there's a big reveal coming up here. God, man, this video puts the leak in live leak. Oh, yeah, it gets really, really hot. Not bad for this doctor.

What if this doctor just got rock hard doing this? And there it is, Eddie. You're missing it. I'm so big. That's the dildo. Look, watch, watch, watch. God fucking damn it, man. It's coming out.

Oh, look at how big it is. There it is. And that's it. Fuck you. That's a huge dildo look at how big it is. There it is. And that's mine. Fuck you. That's a huge dildo to get stuck up your ass. Why couldn't you wait until I was done with my sandwich? That dildo was bigger than my sandwich. That's what your mom had to do to you when you were born.

We were talking about this. She couldn't have it. I was so big, she couldn't have a normal C-section. They had to give her like a double C-section, an up and a sideways. Oh, that's so funny. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a Jesus C-section, an up and a sideways. Oh, that's so funny. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got a Jesus C-section.

You got a cross. That's right. And you have a Hitler haircut. I can't even deal with this anymore. I can't. Mark has got his haircut and it fucking looks like Hitler. No, he looks like a cowboy. Yeah, I don't really see the Hitler thing until you say Hitler.

If Hitler was a cowboy. Right. There would have been a lot less horses. That's for sure. You got to kill the fucking horses. Oh, a cowboy. Right. There would have been a lot less horses. That's for sure. You got to kill the fucking horses. Oh, Hitler Cowboy. It's all I've ever wanted to be. Hitler Cowboy.

That needs to be a movie. Hitler Cowboy versus Stalin Aliens. That'll be fucking huge. Oh, my God. I would love that movie. I know you would, Jackie. Oh, Jackie, you could play the alien. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I get to fuck Stalin, right? Yeah, of course. Thank you. Played by Gerard Depardieu. Oh, Depardieu. Oh, he's too fucking French idiot. No, he's Russian now. We talked about this on another episode of Top Hat.

He's Russian now. He defected from France to Russia. No, you can't just be a Russian. He is. You're Gerard Depardieu. He's just like that other, who's the spy that ran over there? Snowden. Edward Snowden, who will probably be a Russian soon.

I'm so jealous of Kevin and his flautas. Yeah, Kevin's going to go eat flautas. He's having a great time. He probably bought enough for all of us to have. I think that he would. He's such a nice guy. Kevin opened up the door and discredited what Jackie just said. That's too bad.

Hello, Holden. Good to see you, Tubby Holden. Tubby Holden, can you talk to us about Mommy for a second? Oh, Mommy likey when I give her the Pokey-Doo with my sticky Rami. That's perfect. That's perfect. Oh, Mommy knew I had too much cream all pumped up inside my Twinkie Dinky, so I had to shoot it in her no-no hole.

It's really spot on. I mean, judging by Ed's and Jackie's facial reactions, it's like Holden's in the room. I just love the idea that if you cut Holden's head off, right, and you took all the stuff out of it from inside of his head, right? Can we cut Holden's head off? Yeah, we will. No, we can't.

Take this as a project, right? You cut off his head, right? You take off all the bumps, right? You shave down the heads of all of his bumps on his neck, right? Right, right, right. Blow into his nose. It's like a disgusting ocarina. Ah, yes.

What is an ocarina? What? What's an ocarina? It's the gayest of the flutes. Is it the fat flute? It looks like a turtle, right? Yeah. I don't know. Yeah, it kind of looks like a turtle. Yeah's the gayest of the flutes. Is it the fat flute? It looks like a turtle, right? Or the gay flute. Yeah.

I don't know. Yeah, it kind of looks like a turtle. Yeah, the gayest of the flutes. That's a pretty goddamn gay instrument. Yeah, man. Good Christ almighty. I just keep thinking about that dick coming out of that asshole, man. Well, get over it. I wish I didn't watch that video.

It was a dildo. It happens. It was a medical video. That doesn't happen. It did. Just imagine that it's Muppets. It happens quite a bit. It was like Miss Piggy, like Kermit

shoved his fucking frog, lily pad dildo up into her fucking piggy ass. Do you think they knocked her out for that? No. No, because if you listen to the audio, she's awake the entire time. She's going, oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. She actually kind of moans, not in satisfaction, but in relief. It sounds like it kind of

feels a little good, yeah. I think it always feels good to have a huge dildo removed from your ass well i mean it's nice to have it not there yeah and a story that's related to that london firefighters have launched a public shaming campaign to stem the rise of locals summoning urgent help to remove foreign objects stuck on or inside their bodies so they're shaming these people for having a good time in the bedroom trying to spice up their marriage. I hate public shaming. I do too. I don't like it. I don't care what you did. You're just experimenting. You want to see how low can you go.

That's right. How deep can it get inside you? How deep can you steep? What was the incident that made them spark this? A man got his penis stuck in a toaster. That is a problem. Well, that is difficult to do. Why would you want to have sex? I mean, you've got to tell your friends.

Out of all the appliances, the toaster. You put it in probably when you're so flaccid, so you can roll it up and shove it in. I guess. And then you get hard, and then it's just on the metal prongs on the inside. Maybe he's trying to make it darker. I pushed it all the way on the darkest end of it. Pushed it all the way on the darkest end of it. In 2010 to 2011, the London Fire Department responded to 416 stuck body part calls.

Is there a sexual fetish? More than one a day. It sounds like a... Yeah. That's a lot. That does seem like a lot. 416. Maybe they need to start shaming these people. Maybe the shame thing isn't so bad.

It does sound like the porno of Ghostbusters 2. And then in 2011, it was 441. Your love is lifting me higher. This toaster's sucking my dick. And then in 2012, it was 453. So it's going down.

No, it's going up. It's going up? From 416 to 441 to 453. They need a new mayor. Are there even mayors in London? In England? Yeah. Do they even have mayors? They have mayors.

Kate Middleton should publicly shame them and then they'll really stop. Oh, shame the fuck out of me. Kate Middleton needs to have that video. You go and you put things up your willy and up and so do you boom. Did you see when she came up? I think that's Russell Brand.

That's Russell Brand. A year ago when she came to town and the fucking wind blew up her skirt and she went out with a tight little ass. Oh, she's great. She's a beautiful woman. That's Russell Brand. A year ago when she came to town and the fucking wind blew up her skirt and she went, tight little ass. Oh, she's great. She's a beautiful woman. Yeah, she was wearing white panties.

Mm. Yeah. God damn. Marcus, what's the name- Eat the shit out of the princess's asshole. I would. I thought you didn't like butt stuff, and that's the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. If princess poop is still poop.

That's like a real turn from the sentiments earlier, man. It is true, yeah. It's princess. She's special. Marcus, what's it called? Is there a sexual fetish for appliances? I mean, was this dude

purposely fucking the toaster? What else did he, like, what was the trial, like, an error situation that he got through? You did crock pot. I feel like crock pot's

the best one. What are you talking about? It's so big. No, no, no, because you put the juices in, you keep it on low. Oh, I see. And then you can shove, like, it's like, if it's the best one. What are you talking about? It's so big. No, no, no, because you put the juices in, you keep it on low. Oh, I see. And then you can shove, like, it's like if it's like big pieces of meat.

No, you know, that's just making your nuts and your dick hot. Yeah, the, uh... Isn't that great? It's not sex. Isn't that a nice thing? Spray your nuts to a boil. I don't think you understand sex from the male perspective. No, no, cut open a pot roast.

Uh-huh. Cut a hole in a pot roast. That's a different story. That's a good point, though. Put it in the slow cooker. Put some lipstick on it and a wig. Yes, call it mommy. It's like a pot roast. Oh's a good point, though. Put it in the slow cooker. Put some lipstick on it in a wig? Yes. Call it mommy. It's like a pot roast.

Oh, mommy do. It'd have to be a pot roast that was sitting out for an hour. Oh, at least. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. It's on low. It's on low. See, I feel like you take a tiny little Cornish gay man and you fuck its abdomen hole.

Well, you're a pedophile. You're a pedophile. That's disgusting. It's like a hot pocket for your dick. You're going to fuck a meal, too? A real man would fuck a chicken. Yeah. I'm going to fuck a perfectly aged, of-aged chicken.

You could put it. I guess you could put it through its neck. Definitely put it through its neck. You could do a lot of things with a chicken. Or leave the giblets in. Yes, this is just called the Zebrowski Thanksgiving. The family. The Zebrowski family Thanksgiving.

The fucking Eiffel Tower of Turkey. You can rotisserie it. I just love that we're all together as a family. Make it spin, daddy. Make it spin, daddy. I like it when it spins. Turf-fucking is what I call it. Oh, turf-fucking.

I like it. I like turf-fucking. The fetish that I found is not necessarily specific to appliances. It's called abaciophilia. It's a fetish involving a person being attracted to or sexually aroused by an object. You see, I feel like that's a deeper one. Because you talk about people who have fallen over the cars and fallen over statues. I think there's something that's even baser just being like,

I stuck my hard dick inside of a toaster so I could cum in it. For fun, yeah. For a good time. Well, actually, this one, it doesn't just involve an object, but a person wearing an object. It means an attraction to a crippled or injured person who has to use a brace, wheelchair,

or other orthopedic appliance. This fetish was common for those who grew up when polio was causing many to be confined to wheelchairs or to wear leg braces. They just call these people objects? It's a little dehumanizing, isn? Well, the objects that they wear. It's a little dehumanizing, isn't it? The objects that they wear.

Oh, I see. Okay. Well, it's like the people who get really into, like, tying their legs off till their legs die and falls off or, like, cutting their feet off. Very bizarre fetishes.

Jackie, would you ever date a dude in a wheelchair? No. Never? Even if he was, like, super nice? What if he's awesome and fun? Really rich. Unless he's really rich.

Really rich. And maybe when you met him, he wasn't in a wheelchair? No, never. Because I would immediately leave him once he got into the wheelchair. As soon as he's in the wheelchair. It's a fucking pain in the ass. Yeah, it's a pain in the ass. You know, he would never be able to come to my work.

We have no ramp. So what am I going to fucking do? What, I can't go to the movies? But you can sit in the fucking crib chairs at the movies? You can get a lot of free shit if you're in a wheelchair. No, no, no. You can get a handicap parking.

Don't think about that. Yeah, I can fucking get front of the line of the roller coaster. I steal my fucking handicap parking from my mother. It's a free chair

anywhere you go because you just sit on it. Yeah, but then I have to sit on him? It's fine. I'd let him sit on me, though. You got to pee real bad, pee on him,

blame it on him. It doesn't even matter. That's actually a really good idea. My husband pissed himself. He's a cripple. Everybody make way for the cripple. It'll be perfect.

Have a trumpet, holler at a playground. You see, I think you're missing a lot of opportunities here. Yeah, I feel like, have we convinced you to date a cripple now? You know, we would get to the front of all of the fucking roller coasters. That's right. I said that. You weren't listening. Did you say that?

Good Christ. I was too busy thinking about dating someone in a wheelchair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, I mean, that's a perfect benefit. It sounds like it's going to happen. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but you imagine, like, moving around as, like, lifeless legs while you're trying to have sex with them. That's kind of fun to do.

It's something we all have to deal with at some point. I'm going to break Doug's legs. Jackie's boyfriend, Doug. Try it out for a little while. Well, if he has splints on, that would be kind of fun. That's what this fetish is. Well, I did find

a more specific fetish called mechanophilia. Okay. Yeah, and that's a paraphilia involving a sexual attraction to machines such as bicycles, motor vehicles, helicopters, and aeroplanes. I wish I was attracted to bicycles.

That would be amazing. It's so easy. You just get rock hard and cum all the time. These people are sexually attracted to these things in order to keep them from breeding. They're supposed to not be in the fucking gene pool anymore. Maybe they just like to fuck in helicopters. Man, what an expensive, awesome lifestyle. I would be terrified to have sex in a helicopter.

I wouldn't do it. You can't fuck unless I'm in a helicopter. You have a pilot on call at all times. No, you can't shake a helicopter that much. It'll go down. Helicopters are very dangerous. They're fragile. Yeah, you can't fuck in a helicopter.

I wouldn't even fuck in a plane. Who do you think you're making? I'd sit very, very still. You wouldn't fuck in a plane? No, I wouldn't do it. I can't fuck in a plane. Where are you going to fuck in a plane sit very, very still. You wouldn't fuck in a plane? No, I wouldn't do it. I can't fuck in a plane. Where are you going to fuck in a plane? You're too big.

In the middle of the fucking floor. Who cares? I mean, everyone else on the plane. It's a private plane. Oh, a private plane. We're making up scenarios, so yes. Okay, well, but I'm just saying, when I'm taking U.S. Airways over to visit my parents in Florida, I can't just start fucking on the plane.

Ugh, U.S. Airways. I can't even wash my hands in the goddamn bathroom. Go down by the baggage. Get on the fucking JetBlue, man. It is kind of fun to go into an airline bathroom because it's kind of like the perfect casket size. Yes, it is. Yeah.

It really is. Kevin, you ever have any sort of sexual interaction on a plane? No, man. I never have either. When does it happen? I guess you have to set it up before. Yeah, you talk to her. You're like, hey, let's go in the bathroom.

Kevin doesn't like fucking in the bathroom. Two people can't fit in an airplane bathroom. You're too big. How would you ever do it? I've never done it. I mean, I've given it a whirl. At least get a fucking blowjob. Have you tried? No, no, I asked.

I really don't think it's a possibility. What did she say? No. Yeah, yeah. I think the most reasonable sex on an airplane would be a handjob under a blanket. Well, sure. I mean, is that technically sex, though? would be a handjob under a blanket. Well, sure. I mean, is that technically sex, though?

I mean, it's pretty juvenile activity. Sexual contact. A pilot can have sex on a plane. You fuck her in the ass. You sit on the toilet. She sits on your dick. Yeah, I guess so. That's true.

She's sitting on your dick, though. If you're sitting down, you can still fuck her in the pussy. Yeah. I just don't see what the eroticism is. Yeah, I guess you could do it. I still couldn't do it. You cannot do it. I can't even, like...

You can barely use the bathroom. I don't. I just sit there and I just fucking hold it in as much as I possibly can. See, I eat food specifically for shit ammo

so I can spend a solid 25-er in the airline bathroom. You're stinking up the whole plane? Oh, yeah, I rip it up. Oh, I was in a... I Louie Anderson

in that bathroom. Really? Yeah, I make some Hormel chili in that bathroom. I don't, yeah. I rip it up. Oh, I was in a- I Louie Anderson'd that bathroom. Really? Yeah, I make some Hormel chili in that bathroom. I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I want none of that. It's canned chili. Why would you like it?

I mean, exactly. It's disgusting. I'm sure it smells very, very similar to Hormel chili as well. That's what I'm saying. Somebody stunk up a plane I was on one time, and we demonized him the entire rest of the flight. We just pointed and laughed at him. You demonized him?

Yeah, we just pointed at him, laughed at him. Everybody knew as soon as he came out of the bathroom. What's wrong with you? That could have been you him. Yeah, we just pointed at him, laughed at him. Everybody knew as soon as he came out of the bathroom. What's wrong with you? That could have been you. No, it couldn't have been me because it wasn't me. Because you can't fit

in the bathroom. I can't fit in the bathroom. Because if someone were to try to shame me, I'd be like, woo! Yeah! Yeah, I got you, fucker.

Yeah. No, this guy was a real asshole. I'm going to go fucking do it again, you pieces of shit. Oh, he didn't do it again. He didn't leave his seat. Oh, he didn't have to do it again. He already fucking

dropped his payload. I never, the whole bottom, the whole back half of the plane, again. He didn't leave his seat. He didn't have to do it again. He already fucking dropped his payload. The whole back half of the plane, it was bad. It was rough. Something that he knew he had to do before he got on the plane. See, I just get all pilled up, so I just pass out and wake up wherever I'm going. I drink so fucking much.

I drink so much on planes. I love it. I puke. I can't believe that you drink like a lot. I know it. That's shocking to me. I puke. I can't believe that you drink like a lot. I know it. In the air, on the ground. Doing something you don't like. Yeah. Your life, being on a plane.

Yeah, I love being on a plane. I love the idea. Jackie, what are you doing? You look like a woman in a migraine commercial. I'm sorry. No, I've got something in my eye. What got into the eye? I think it's an eyelash.

Or an extra egg left by Holden. Yeah, it could be one of his eggs. Do you think I'm inseminated? It's possible. You're going to have a little eye baby. I'm going to have Holden's baby! Oh, that's exciting. No!

You know how you get pink eye? You're going to get brown eye. Oh, my God, no. I'm going to have a fucking lizard baby. It'll probably slip right out, though. As Jackie's brother, Henry, what happens when Jackie's impregnated by Holden? How do you react? I'll fucking stomp the baby as soon as it comes out.

Yeah, you can't have it live with him. Stomp on that fucking... No, no, that's not... There cannot be a Zebrowski-McNeely combination. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, what would that be? That would just be very, very bizarre. I would have to, like, move to Italy or Sweden or something.

Get out of here. Just go. Get out of here. Travel the fucking world. That'd be like a hairy lizard. Yeah, no, it would be a pig lizard. I feel like something about the secretions. We ain't pigs.

The secretions would just melt floors, and they'd just keep falling through different levels of buildings. Yeah, like an acid tub. What was that in Breaking Bad? They put a bunch of acid in the tub, and it fell through the floor? Yeah, very, very similar. I'm sticking to Alien. Oh, yes, Alien,. Very, very similar. I was thinking of Alien. Oh, yes.

Alien. Also very, very good. I found another fun fetish. Auto-assassinophilia. What is that one? Yeah. It's a person who derives pleasure from planning or staging his or her own murder. Cool.

Yeah. It's kind of cool. Yeah, that does kind of make me hard, but I wouldn't say I have a fetish. It's more just like it's fun to fool people. Right. So you just jack off while you plan your own murder, your own demise. Isn't there a whole like...

Yeah, how does that work? You can pay people to do that, right? There's a whole fetish thing. I thought we've talked about it on here before. That's why there's been so many people trying to bust them because they fake their own murders and stuff just to get off. Kidnappings and things like that first dude.

I still feel like that first story where the guy gets kidnapped, that's on the wife. I think he was so terrified of his wife. I'll tell you, it certainly wasn't

a male cop. It was definitely a woman cop that busted him. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Duke got that. If I wasn't here, I wouldn't lie to me like that.

Ooh! I'll put him in jail! See, this is the illegal gray area here because he was charged with making a false report to the police even though he did not report it to the police. They were just jealous that they didn't think of it. Because they spent Super Bowl Sunday at home listening to

Man, you gotta get the garbage out. You ain't never, you ain't no good. I feel like after this whole thing that I would just apologize. I would just apologize and be like, I'm sorry that you had to go to these lengths just to have a fucking good time. I'm the problem. It would be an eye opener. You're not a wife yet.

I don't think that would change. If my husband did that, I'd like to see what happens. Doug wants to go out. Henry, Eddie, and Marcus and Kevin and I are taking him out. We're like, hey, Dougie, come outside, Dougie. Hey, fuck that bitch. Fuck that bitch, Dougie. I'm pretty sure if you marry Doug, there's going to be a point in probably 20 years when he realizes you've ruined his life.

I think he's already realized that. Kevin is just so happy with himself right now. Eating his fucking flout. He's not fucking giving us any. Sitting on his throne. Definitely got no flout. No, yeah, when Doug looks in the mirror five years from now and he's got long gray hair and long brittle fingernails,

he's like, where did my life go? Where was my youth? I sucked him dry. And not only that, but his only friends would be me and Holden. Oh, nice. Fucking Nazi cowboy. Doggy, you got to come over me and Holden. Oh, nice. Fucking Nazi cowboy. Doggy, you gotta come over and watch me play GTA 5, bro. I'm working

on, like, I got, like, nine missions in, bro. And I will, I just did, you know, I'll fucking do that. I'll get my burrito from Chipotle. It's really gonna be great. I can all set up for me. Got my nug, I got my fucking boots, I got fucking, you know, some beers. Dark souls! So, realistically, it's like, how many years do you think Holden actually has left?

I mean, not that many. No, the lifespan of a lizard is like eight years. I've already known him. Oh, wow. He's the oldest lizard of all time. I feel like Holden's the one type of man who accidentally fall in like a sewer hole, like one of those sewer mains, and then like just show up in another world where there's all like him.

There's like a whole universe of him. Like the Mario Brothers movie? Yeah, much like the Mario Brothers movie. And they're all Dennis Hoppers. That's all he is. He's like the retarded nephew of Dennis Hopper's Koopa. Koopa. Yeah, Poopa.

Koopa! Koopa! Prince Poopa! Prince Poopa! Mommy won't let me touchy-touchy because I'm too ugly-ugly. Touchy-touchy because you're too ugly-ugly. Yeah, Henry! Prince Poopa!

I'm just feeling inspired today. It's like when Paul McCartney had that dream where he wrote yesterday in his dream. Wings! Right, right, right. Of course. All right. Marcus, let's go on into another story. I'm sure it'll somehow trickle down to mocking the hideous face of holding me nearly.

An elementary school cafeteria worker has been fired for admitting she paid two students to beat another one up. Hell yeah. Good for you. Good for fucking you. They're finally striking back. Let her fucking do whatever she wants. You know, her admitting was like, that's right, I did it. That's right.

I'm the one who paid him. Was this at Vince McMahon High School? She paid him a million dollars. Ring the bell. Henry made a zinger. I like it. I like it. A contracted janitor at Campus Elementary in Grand Rapids, Michigan,

acknowledged this week to school officials that she paid $1 each to two students to beat up a nine-year-old after he insulted her. I love it. That's how sad Michigan is. You dumb lunch lady. I'll give you a buck to beat up that snot-nosed kid. Which one? The fat one.

There's no way those kids won't grow up to be rappers. Definitely not. It just happened. They got a nice job, you know? A buck to beat up a nine-year-old, not so bad. Like two 10-year-old Eddies. Yeah, exactly. It just shows she wouldn't have got caught if she paid a little more.

I'll tell you that much. I agree with that. That is true. And also, you know what? She's teaching them the value of being righteous. Capitalism. Let's get back to it, please. I'll tell you that much. I agree with that. That is true. And also, you know what? She's teaching them the value of being righteous. Capitalism. Let's get back to it, please. I think that this is great.

They're vigilantes. She's making jobs. Exactly. I think this really brings up an important issue about the pay scale for janitors in elementary schools. You see? If she had been paid a living wage, she could have afforded way more than a dollar each. Solid 10 bucks.

10 bucks. What do you think, Eddie? That's about right. 10 bucks for a beat down on a 9-year-old. 9-year-old, 10 bucks. If you're giving it to a decent... Solid ten bucks. Ten. What do you think, Eddie? That's about right. Ten bucks for a beat down on a nine-year-old. Nine-year-old, ten bucks. If you're giving it to a ten-year-old.

Yeah. Ten bucks is a lot of money for a ten-year-old. Oh, my God, it's amazing. What do they need to buy? Lots of candies. Exactly. Maybe a comic book.

Ruler to measure their tiny penises. No, I don't think that they do that. You only measure your penis when it gets big. On the corner stores, you know, like the things

you throw on the ground and it goes pop. Pop rocks? Oh, yeah, yeah. Snap, snap throw on the ground, it goes pop. Pop rocks? Oh, yeah, yeah. Snap, snap, snap. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You crush them on your head. You don't see them on the rocks.

Yeah. That's just you also have a head like a fucking watermelon. Yeah. No, I used to do it all the time. I love doing it. I love those things. One of my favorite things to do as a kid. Freak out the squares.

Yeah. Wow, these are a lot of revelations. I drink on an airplane. Marcus is a weirdo from Texas who puts snap pops all over his fucking forehead. Yeah. It's interesting. Eddie would pay a 10-year-old to beat a 9-year-old up. Goddamn right.

I would do it too. I just take him out myself. No, no, you can't hit a kid. You can't hit a kid. That's the thing. She actually. I don't understand why she didn't get older kids to do it. No, because I think it's bad to get older kids.

You have to have a similar size fist hitting a similar size face. Otherwise, the kid's going to die. And also, the kid was probably a piece of shit, and you just served it anyway. Probably. Guaranteed. Who's mean to the lunch lady? How does she get past it? Yeah. I agree. She's the one that's giving you the food.

If this nine-year-old was halfway intelligent, Eddie, Henry, and I'm going to speak for both of you guys, because I don't know if it's true or not, but I was always very nice with my lunch lady. And I got double portions. Always got double portions. Free shit, constantly. I knew where my bread was buttered.

That's right. Literally. In the cafeteria. Because I got a lot of buttered bread from that lunch lady. Punkmeyer cookies. Oh, I love the goodness. Oh, I love Punkmeyer. God, I got those.

It's kid money. God damn right. No, I also, you know, you don't pay two kids to beat them up. You rent a car, right? Run him over with the car. You just clip him. Yeah. Sure.

You just got one. He's walking home from school. You go, oh, and then you just boom, boom, boom. You just kind of hit him, and you don't kill him. You break his leg. I mean, she could have just slowly starved him to death. One meatball here, one meatball there. She could also put-

Not serving him well. She could have put, like, you know, all that stuff that gives you, all that medication that gives you diarrhea and shit, and put it in his food. A couple drops of Visine in there. See, but then she would be 100% like, that's a bigger jail sentence. Even if it's like a light poisoning. I can't believe she didn't deny it. Here's the problem, though.

What would she be charged with? She has not been charged with anything whatsoever. I would give her a medal for discharging a nuisance. That's right. Is this racketeering? Yeah. Is that what this is? Child labor?

Yeah, I guess. Yeah, maybe violating child labor laws. Bribery? Never be max evasion. I was always best friends with the janitor and always best friends with the cook. In case you puked. Yeah, the janitors do nothing wrong. All they are is like weird old men who creep around.

Yeah, because they're always fiddly. Janitors are janitors because they've done nothing wrong. I mean, you know, nothing wrong to me personally. Yeah, no janitor has ever made a wrong turn in life. Well, this woman's a science teacher who's giving you a fucking D for not understanding the planets. He's the asshole. This woman had no criminal record whatsoever. She passed

all background checks. Good. Yeah, because she's a lunch lady. How did she not just fucking deny it and say these kids are lying? It's because that kid kept talking about her pendulous tits and how fat she was and then she just lost her mind. And lunch ladies tend to be relatively large. They got a sample, you know? Is she a lunch lady or a janitor?

I'm confused. No, she's a lunch lady. We were just talking about janitors. But I just feel like the lunch lady, there should be a national movement to get some hot lunch ladies. You want them all hot? I love a good old, weird, sort of warty lunch lady. That's the lunch lady. Now, my lunch lady, she was an old, warty, white woman with white hair.

She was very surly. Every mole's got a hair to it. I just mentioned a 19-year-old girl with a thin white shirt on, just slapping that mashed potuato right down. You want us to leave the room? A mashed potuato? What is a mashed potuato? So you're talking about some sort of lunch lady conscription.

Is there a fetish for lunch ladies? I'm sure that there is a fetish for lunch ladies. I think that you just described it. They just keep it like a solid 62 in that room, so it's a little cold for her. She's got like... Solves to bury me up. She just... She's on break from her North Carolina University, and she's just...

She's a phys ed major. I don't like that. This is disgusting. That is disgusting. So you just want to be served food by a super hot chick, then you'll have sex with her? Yeah, it just means you're a feeder gainer. If there was a scenario... chick, then you'll have sex with her. Yeah, it just means you're a feeder gainer. If there was a scenario where there was a 19

year old that was like, all I want to do is feed you all day long because it makes me so wet. He's looking at me when he says it. Yeah, he did look at you very kind of bizarre, I thought. I think that'd be great, actually. So you would like to be the gainer and you would like your girlfriend to be the feeder, of course. Yeah.

Alright. I'd like to date a 19-year-old. Right? That makes sense. This is what we're going to talk about now? I know that's clever. She can't come to the bar, so she's got to stay home. So you don't have to kidnap yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Every time I go do a show, she can't come because it's 21 and over. Marcus, what are you watching? It sounds like you want to have a very— It sounds like you want to have a sex slave. He's watching a janitor get blown by a lunch lady. I'm watching Lunch Lady Fucked on ClipHunter.com. Ooh, let me see. It says JerkersWorld.com. Well, JerkersWorld is where they took it from.

And why is she a lunch lady? I hope you know he's a janitor. I mean, she's just sucking his cock hard. Yeah, she's a black... Oh, my God, it's fucking her in the mouth. I don't feel comfortable. Do you feel violent? I mean, I feel like they're just stereotyping roles here.

There's no lunch lady to her. She doesn't have a slop spoon. Oh, good, yeah, shove her face into the bag. Just a single hammer shot. Is she pouring salt on her ass? Oh, it's baby oil. Oh, it's baby oil. I don't fuck like black people.

I mean, he's a black guy, so it's the baby. There's always the baby oil. Oh, there's a little spank in there. All right, Marcus. Jesus Christ. We got it. There's nothing lunch later, Jano, about this. No, yeah.

She's not standing in line at a cafeteria. She just got in. She's got no Salisbury steak. Please. Yes. He's thoroughly putting baby oil on her. Oh, yeah. She obviously is not wet at all.

Like she's a big porchetta roast. And I'm telling you, I'm listening to the audio right now. She's going, nah, nah, nah, nah. That does make sense for a lunch lady. That's true. That's the lunch lady call. If she was doing that outside, there would be 20 lunch ladies out in front of the apartment. Do you need help?

Where are the kids? I brought a whole tray of frozen snap peas. Ooh, I love those. Yeah, frozen snap peas. Oh, I got a curly long hair all up in fucking green beans. I had so much hair in my high school lunch.

Oh, yeah. Because it comes straight from their shed. Man, I had a lunch lady that would rip pepperonis off of the other pizzas to people. No to put on my pizza so I would get extra pepperoni and then fucking kids behind me wouldn't get any pepperoni. It's brilliant.

Because she fucking loved me and I was like extra pepperoni her name was fucking Susan and she was awesome. Was she the really was she the big one? Oh you mean all of them? Yeah. Every one of them.

Oh the big ugly southern one? Yeah. No no no. They were all like that. But man she was great. Susan took me fucking up. They're chefs. They're chefs.

Extra rowney. Extra rowney. They need to get more respect. All right Marcus you got a story about food lined up there? I do. After exiting a McDonald's drive-thru lane,

an intoxicated Ohio motorist led cops on a short chase because he, quote, just wanted to eat his Big Mac before he stopped. Leave him alone. I like this guy. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just like, listen to you. Just like, I have it my way. Yeah, that's right.

It's a different slogan. I wonder if he pulled the Big Mac apart. Do you have a certain way? I like to eat the Big Mac in two separate pieces. You're a weird eater. I take the top part. It's like a separate patty on the top. I could see.

Yeah, it's possible. And then it's like an open-faced Big Mac sandwich. The bottom part with the cheese. No, no, no. I just eat it like it's an over-the-top sandwich. Like a lady would eat it. You see, you have a weird food separation thing. You always have to separate all your foods.

None of your foods can touch each other. Is this a childhood? I like nibbling all the chocolate off a Reese's cup. I'm going to have to. Is this about 19-year-olds again? I have no idea what's happening. Was there some childhood experience that makes you want to separate the food? 19-year-olds again. I have no idea what's happening. What? Was there some childhood experience that makes you want to separate the food?

No, I just don't like to eat everything in a certain way. Okay. Interesting. See, I just mash it up. I mash all the food in a big old bucket, and I eat it with a big slotted spoon. Yeah, and a strap. I like to mix a bunch of air in with the food so I get a bunch of farts and burps going. I'm just happy we're confirming everybody's suspicions about us as people.

All the listeners are like, absolutely, that makes sense. Suck on the bones of the chicken. Yep, suck on the chicken bones. I did have dinner with Jackie the other night, and we had chicken, and I did... You sucked on the bones, Jackie? I mean, there was cream of mushroom on it. It was fantastic.

God damn. I feel like we are the lunch ladies of podcasts. You'd suck on a subway pole if there was cream of mushroom. I fucking love cream of mushroom, man. I don't know, man. For some reason, listening to you describe the way you eat is more gross to me than watching that dildo get pulled out of that thing.

I agree. I agree. That came out in one solid chunk. Man, you know who eats disgustingly? Holden fucking McNeely. Holden is the most disgusting eater in the face. Holden McNeely eats food like a wood chipper. It is insane.

I've heard that his first row of teeth are actually not functional. What he's got is three sets of teeth in his throat. In his gullet. Right, in that kind of area. The man will choose it all the way down. He's like that hole in Return of the Jedi. Exactly. The Sarlacc pit, but with a podcast. Yeah.

It is shockingly true. I have never... I was taken aback the first time I saw Hogan eat. He eats like a Jew in the Holocaust. He's never going to eat again. He does pretend he's never eaten before and he's never going to eat again. Him and his family share a caramel. That's what a Jew in the Holocaust is. The problem is that a Jew didn't have any ketchup in the Holocaust.

He can't eat it unless it's absolutely smothered in ketchup so it can slide through his membrane. It's insane. You just can't trust a man who makes you tie his hands behind his back before he eats dinner. Exactly. Why are we going to S&M into this? I can't trust my hands. I am the prisoner. The food gets on their hands and then it fucking makes my mouth angry because I want it all in my mouth.

It's like his hands are trying to eat the food away from his mouth. Exactly. He's got his hands are trying to eat the food away from his mouth. Exactly. He's got his own trough. I punched myself in the chin once because a piece of lettuce got stuck on it. And I was real fucking pissed. His girlfriend makes sure that just so he doesn't eat her breasts, she feeds him roast beef shrimp. Right before. Yeah, they have to.

You have to. Make sure the pit bull is fed. It is, yeah, Holden eating. We need to do a video of it. We won't let him know. So I guess we don't need to do that segment anymore. What? Talking shit on Holden.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's phenomenal. This whole episode's a fucking segment. Well, Officer Clifford Smith, who stopped the man, he said, I initiated a traffic stop and the subject failed to stop. Miller, who smelled of booze and was slurring his speech, apologized to Smith, saying, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I'll finish my burger. He said that he was too drunk and he just wanted to eat his Big Mac before he stopped. I agree. Miller, whose blood alcohol content was measured at more than three times the legal limit, was arrested on several counts, including drunk driving and fleeing an officer. Nothing like getting pulled over by cops

and having the guy go, you're right, you're right. I'm too drunk. My bad. I am very intoxicated. Here's a picture of the man right here. Oh, okay. He does look a bit like a douche.

Yeah, he's got a white shirt on, white dude, short blonde hair. His head looks like a can of Axe spray. Are you allowed to eat food? Like, if he got pulled over, right, and he has the Big Mac, and he really wants to eat the Big Mac, do you think he could eat it while giving the license and registration over? When I got my DUI, I ate three pieces of pizza. That's true.

And I was just like mowing it down. If you're so calm while getting pulled over that you're eating food, you're probably hammered. I wasn't even that drunk. I only blew a 1.1, which is like nothing, or 0-1-1, whatever. A 1.1 means you are alcohol. Yeah only blew a 1.1, which is like nothing, or 0.1, whatever. Yeah, a 1.1 means you are alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it was.8 is the limit. Yeah,.0.

0.8, so it was.11, something like that. Anyway, it was very, very light. Yeah, I downed a bunch of pizza. I thought it was going to help me pass the breathalyzer. Which made sense. It did not at all. Because you were drunk. Especially because when you're telling the officer how it's going to help you pass the breathalyzer. Which made sense. It did not at all. Because you were drunk. Especially because when you're telling the officer

how it's going to help you pass the breathalyzer. The whole time, yeah. So what you think, I'm crazy. But what I'm going to tell you is I'm going to fucking pass your goddamn test.

You're supposed to deny the breathalyzer and then they take you in and then you take the breathalyzer about two hours later down at the station. I got taken to the hospital. They drew blood.

And also, I was so morbidly obese. I was 380 pounds. You just told me you're scared of needles. Well, I wasn't. I mean, he was drunk enough to know what he was scared of and not scared of. Yeah, they asked me to walk in a straight line, and I was like, I can't do that sober. And that was the dead giveaway that I was currently drunk.

Yeah, because he's been like, I can't do that sober. It was a pretty easy night for that officer. I got a fat one. Wait, is that true, though? That's what you do if you a pretty easy night for that officer. I got a fat one. Wait, is that true, though? That's what you do if you deny the breathalyzer? They can't force you to have the breathalyzer? I don't know if you can deny a breathalyzer. You can.

They'll give it, yeah, you definitely deny it, and then they give it to you back at the station. But at the same time, a cop can still fucking hit you with a nightstick, like, two times. Like, you can still just go, like, oh, you're going to say no to me? You can say no to me, and, like, he'll be wrong. No.

But he'll still hit you with the nightstick everyone everything's recorded now it's great yeah yeah that was my favorite thing i don't even know why i thought about it exhibit was on the episode of crips and he was showing his car and all over exhibits car is cameras so when he gets pulled over he's watching the cops and they show all these uh videos of him he like you know just like talking uh to an officer. He's like, I'm watching you. I am watching. You're watching me. I'm watching you and all that shit.

Anyway, if I ever get enough money, I'm getting a fucking cop cam. But you never will. No, I know. Thank you, Kevin. Yeah. But I could be 380 pounds again. Yeah, most likely. Cool.

Well, we got one more story before we get out of here. A man in Mexico was released on a misdemeanor charge after putting a padlock on the pants of his girlfriend. I mean, that happens. Storage wars. That's illegal in Mexico? Well, Mexico has a lot of laws. Drugs run rampant. WOIA in San Antonio reports the 25-year-old woman went to police in excruciating pain after being unable to use the restroom for several hours.

According to reports, the pants off. He put a log in my panties and me can't go poopy no more. Why? You tell him why. You ask him why. Yeah, this woman isn't exactly a Houdini. You know? You'd think you'd be able to get his pants off.

Yeah, she's no David Blaine. What do I do now? David Blanco. What do I do now? David Blanco. What happened? According to reports, the 40-year-old boyfriend had put a padlock in the woman's pants for years to prevent her from being unfaithful. The woman allegedly told police she was afraid to cross the boyfriend by cutting off her jeans. I mean, it just seems...

So she went to the cops instead? In Mexico, which is not a good idea. He's gonna beat the fuck out of her. Maybe, maybe. But how did he put the... I mean,

here's a picture of it right here. Oh, okay. I still don't fully understand how it works. I feel like you could just take the pants off. Yeah.

Well, she was a bigger girl. She was a larger gal. Her hips were bigger than her waist, so it's not going to fit. Right. Yeah, she's muy grande. How'd the cops get that? The cops probably cut her pants off. Nope.

After being arrested, the man turned the key over to the police. He had the key the whole time. I would have swallowed the key. It's kind of romantic. It's like her pants become one gigantic burrito. How many people did she fuck? She had a padlock on her pants. She was supposed to fuck the whole town.

No, I feel like he was preventing her from fucking the whole town. To make a man put a padlock on your pants, I'm going to put the blame on her. Are we victim-shaming? Are we victim-shaming here, Henry? Jackie, what do you think? I just feel like it's romantic. It is a little bit romantic.

What is it? It's Princess Bride, right? Yeah, it's like a promise ring. It's like, I love you so much that I need to deter your fucking whore bitch ways and put a fucking padlock on your goddamn pants. Maybe it's like when someone puts a padlock on a refrigerator so you don't eat too much at nighttime. Yes, exactly. It's she's saving her from herself. fucking padlock on your goddamn pants. Maybe it's like when someone puts a padlock on a refrigerator so you don't eat too much at night time. Yes, exactly. It's she's saving her

from herself. And you know what? I say God bless it. I love that logic. You're the only feminist I actually know, Jackie. Her pants became the safest prison in Mexico. No gang banging in there, am I right?

None. Zero gang bangs. This is great. Well, afterwards, the man signed a statement that he would never padlock the woman again or abuse her in any way. He's not even wants him one more time. She's still got a mouth.

Exactly. I was thinking that she's probably just blowing him one more time. She's still got a mouth. Exactly. I was thinking that she's probably just blowing everybody out of sight. Yeah, she should probably sew up her lips. Yeah, he's stapled to Jason Max. What's worse? What's worse? Oh, it's worse if she's blowing everybody. It's worse, right?

Way worse. Because everyone's face fucking her and stuff. It's more demeaning at the very least. Like the lunch lady. I'll tell you what. That's right. My old lady can cheat on me as long as she takes it in the ass. Only with you in the ass or with the other people in the ass?

No, she gets fucked in the ass, but she keeps the pussy in the mouth for me. Oh, okay. So you just need two out of three. That's the least classy promise. I'm just excited for Eddie's wedding. Your ass is for everybody. Becky. I don't need it.

I'll take it. Hey, Becky, show the crowd your ass. Hey, crowd, fuck her ass. Not only do I not mind, I want you to do it. I want't need it. I'll take it. Hey, Becky, show the crowd your ass. Hey, crowd, fuck her ass. Not only do I not mind, I want you to do it. I want you to go out there. Have fun.

I want you to use it. My boys are out here. You know, I don't want to be kidnapped to get away from you. I don't want to be kidnapped. We're getting married. Save me that pussy

and save me that mouth. My wife's got my brown dress. I can't wait. I'm so excited. I might just stay sober for your wedding so I can actually remember it. Because I think it's going to be a nightmare. My wife's going to have a brown dress.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like she's a UPS delivery man. Oh, that's fucking sweet. Brown for you, right? Am I right? I mean, I'm looking at brown wedding dresses on Google right here. They look good. They look pretty good.

Goddamn. Just look at them. Oh, they are very nice. Very classy. Oh, they all just look like fancy Pocahontas. Yeah, beautiful, nice brown dresses, though. You know, like, you're sitting at a wedding, and the bride walks up in a brown dress.

You know, everyone in there is just like, oh, so she's a whore. That's right. So I guess she is a, what they call a town bicycle. That's right. Only in her ass, though. Yeah. Not the front or her mouth, because that wouldn't be classy. That's not classy.

It's disrespectful. I agree. I agree. You're turning into Joseph Stalin. Let me ask you guys this. We have this wedding dress here, but there's this strange protrusion around the vagina area.

What is that? She's holding something. Did Jamie Lee Curtis design that dress? I get it. I'm at the end of my story. It's a purse, Marcus. It's a sling for her fucking lady dick. Right, right, right, right.

Yes, what store are we talking about? Well, it's 5.30, so our boys got to get out of here. Oh, yes. Okay, we'll have to end the show then. All right. So you're going to end it with a presentation from Holden McNeely? Yeah, we're going to end it with the debut of Bonkers Radio. Because Holden's not here for a second. Yeah, we're going to end it with the debut of Bonkers Radio. Let's all just say, like, we could give one, like,

Holden does serve a function on this show. Are we going to say something nice about Holden? Is that the segment now? Go fuck yourself, Henry. Holden's really good at smoking my weed. That's great. Love him for it. Very good at that.

Holden's really good at drinking my beer, too. He drinks my beer, too. That's awesome. Yeah. We love him. It's like you guys have something in common. Yeah, I good at drinking my beer, too. He drinks my beer, too. That's awesome. We love him. It's like you guys have something in common. Yeah. That's it, though. I love watching Holden play video games.

Knowing Holden, I've been able to learn how low humanity can go. That's right. Lizardly low. All right, everybody. Well, that's Jackie, Edward, of course. Let's give a big skla for Holden. Skla! Kevin Barnett.

Barnett didn't do it. I did. Yeah, he did. He did it cooler. He did it swag. Yeah, he was nice. I forgot he swagged. Skla, skla, skla.

Skla's bug. And that's Marcus. And now it's time for the debut, although it's already up on the site, but please give a listen to Bonkers Radio, everybody.

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Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man!

Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man!

Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! Alligator man! All fucking brains. Hey, hey, we got a phone call. Let's take it. Hey, this is, uh, this is, uh, who is this? Moon Boy from Dingo. Ah, from Arizona, Texas. Hey, don't shoot her.

She'll end up dead. Boy, howdy. All right. Thank you very much. I'm glad to get a call in there. Obamacare. Okay. Now it's Donnie and the Dickheads' new hit single, Alien Hip-Hop. Yeah, hit it, boy. Obey me and live, or disobey and die.

LSD opens up new vistas and experiences to those that take it. And I believe that every healthy person should try it. We have come for your nerves, but we'll stay for your hands. This is alien hip-hop. Malfunction! Malfunction! Malfunction! Wait a minute, you dumb wh whore you forgot your money your money that is a great fantastic tune if you never heard it you hear it again oh boy welcome back to the bunkers hour on kuff k-u-f-f fuck you all right now we're gonna play a game for the kids at home it's called the now game

say now now say now now say now say now say now now, now. Say now. Say now. Say now, now. Say now. Say now. Say now, now, now. Now, now. Say it with me now. Now. Say now.

Now. Say now. Now. Now. Say now. Now. Now. Now.

Now. Now. Now. Now. All right. Very good. Congratulations. You win a bucket, bucket of fucking lies. Okay.

Oh, yeah. Smoke every day is the best fucking kindergarten You bastards This next song is called You Filthy Bitch By the go go go go go go go go go go You filthy bitch You foul bastard You filthy bitch

You foul bastard You filthy bitch You foul bastard You filthy bitch You foul bastard You filthy bitch You foul bastard You filthy bitch

You foul bastard You filthy bitch You foul bastard You filthy bitch She's a ball bastard. You built this bitch. She's a ball bastard. You built this bitch. She's a ball bastard. You built this bitch. She's a ball bastard. You built this bitch. She's a ball bastard. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad.

I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. I'll make you mad. Thank you. This has been the Bonkers Radio Hour. I'm trying to be your lover, baby! But you won't let me. You won't let me get in! I want to thank all the kids at the

school that I talked to yesterday. They seem very nice, and I would like to take them to a movie! Okay, soldiers, support them. I support mine. I support my soldiers. When I say soldiers, I mean a fuckin' bowl of my toilet.

Thank you so much! It's been the Bonkers Radio Hour. Scooby-Dooby-Doo. Where the fuck are you? I'll find you someday, you bastard. I'm the man in the mask. Hey, trickle-down insurance. We're going to be talking about some insurance next week. It'll be fun. We'll talk about some umbrella layers of insurance. So,

if you want to get in on that at the ground floor, I'm going to do some insider trading, and you will be arrested for your white-collar crimes. So, welcome back to the Bonkers Radio Hour, and have a good night.