The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 168: Birds for Kevin

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a man tries to escape a cop by throwing a parrot in his direction, a Chinese bride screams rape after accidentally sleeping with a groomsman on her own wedding night, and an assassin dressed as a clown in Mexico takes down a top drug boss. Joining us today: Malachi Nimmons and our buddy Drew!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Got a game? Yeah, we're good to go, Marcus? He had to get the angry Kevin level. He got the fly. Way back. He had to get the normal Kevin level. All right. We're good to go, Marcus? All right. That's Jackie with the prayer.

All right, man. I guess I'm praying to Satan today. Yay! I'm always fucking praying to Satan. Fucking hail Satan, man. Hail Satan. I saw a demon this week, and I finally know what he looks like. What does he look like? He looks like an old man, gaunt, with red glasses.

He blew a kiss at me from outside of my bakery shop, and I looked him right in the eye, and he told me I had nice thighs. So I guess, Satan, I'm going to fucking... From outside? Yeah, man. You screamed it through the window? He said, nice thighs!

That's good. And then he blew me a kiss. Did he say nice thighs? No, he said thighs. He blew me a kiss And I am not No he said thighs I think he said thighs I got good thighs I'm gonna say thank you for my thighs I got my fucking ranning in thunder thighs My mama fucking calls him

It's all from you Satan Fuck yeah hell Satan That's what my fucking thighs sound like It sounds like they're in hell Yeah, hell Satan. That's what my fucking thighs sound like. It sounds like they're in hell. Go fuck yourself, everybody. That was a prayer? Yeah. So do we say amen now?

Amen. Amen. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Jackie does have amazing thighs, and if I'm an old man, if I make it to that age, I'm going to find a girl that looks just like you and creep her out the same way. It probably is like, you know, in Back to the Future, old Biff. It's probably me.

Yeah. Does that mean we get married? We also just watched Looper, and now I have a memory of actually doing it. Looper! Looper! Did it sound like, nice thighs? No, because he waved at me through the window,

and I waved back. He blew me a kiss, and he waved at me through the window, and I waved back. He blew me a kiss, and he said, nice thighs. Did he use his hand to blow you a kiss? Yeah, he went. That's very romantic. And then he walked away, and no one else saw him. That's the old man equivalent of sending a nice little text message, being like, hey, let's hang out.

He had red glasses on. Why not? He's a hipster. No, man, he was old. Red frames or red lenses? Red frames and red lenses. Whoa. That's scary.

See, I think he was just an optimist. He's probably just looking through those rose-colored lenses. It was really, it was creepy. Everything's looking up for him. He's trying to look at an old-school 3D picture. It's possible. All right, well, the guy talking there is Drew Yakuri. He's in the chucklehead. Thanks for being here, Drew.

Oh, thank you for having me. Absolutely. And then let's just go around and say everybody's names as we do roll call to make sure everyone's here, I guess. Be remembered. Jackie Zabrowski, I'm here. My thighs are here and I'm fucking crazy. I am Ed Larson.

I feel warm from Jackie's thighs. Yes. Battered. Hold him in the alley, fucking looper. Looper. Looper. Looper. All right. Yeah.

Kevin Barnett. That's Kevin Barnett from Guy Code. Oh, yes. He's not on that. Are you on that? He's on Guy Code. How do you not know Kevin's a celebrity? I don't know.

I don't look at the online. I don't have cable. Kevin gets high school girls texting him all the time. All the time. You got to ask the prom. Fresh ass titties. Oh, man. You should go to prom.

I should. I honestly would want to. My original prom was a disaster. I'm only 10 years too late. That's fine. I can go back. Why was your prom a disaster? Oh, man.

You know, just fucking, I thought I was going to fuck all types of chicks. I ended up eating at Denny's with my friends. Yeah, that will happen. I went to prom alone, so. Yeah, it was really sad. I shared a hotel room with my buddy because we couldn't afford to get our own hotel rooms for our girlfriends. So we were just like, we're going to share a hotel room. So we just fucked next to each other all night.

Well, at least you fucked all night. Man, we were gonna swap, but everyone was into it except my girlfriend. Interesting. And then he ended up fucking her anyway. That's a good friend.

I have a feeling that your girlfriend just took the hit for his girlfriend because she didn't want to fuck. She was into it. Was she hotter? Oh, man. So much hotter than my girlfriend. I was so mad. So mad. I was going to get in there. None of us had a prom like that though.

Swapping girlfriends. My prom was 15 people in an American Legion hall eating brisket. That sounds great. That is a great prom. Malachi Nimmons is also here. Thanks for being here, Malachi. It's nice to be here.

I'm just shocked that these two stories came from... I expect them to be swapped. Kevin's just suave as fuck, and he's like, oh, yeah, I ate at Denny's. I don't expect him to say he was the one. Wait, did you say Barnett is suave as fuck? Yeah.

I was at the bar with him yesterday. I promise you. That's true. Yeah, man. I'm one of the best. No, Kevin. He is. Kevin and I, whenever we go to the bars, I'll tell you, we do very well.

The ladies are always coming up to us and then walking away and stuff. But they enjoy us. I got that sultry-ass voice. You were bashed by a couple of gay guys yesterday at Union Pool. I don't even recall this. You don't remember that? What happened? Sounds like a hate crime happened.

Did we go to Union Pool also last night? No, you weren't there. You dipped off at the Skinny Dennis, which is a great bar here in Brooklyn. That was the time for me. I had to remove myself from the equation. Yeah, Kevin had to tell you to stop saying certain words to him because you were offending him.

I'm sorry, buddy. I wonder what those words were. Let's just say... What'd I say? Was it bitch? I literally don't remember any of this. That is so funny. What did I say, Ben?

Well, you were discussing monkeys, and then I think Kevin was then the whole thing. I mean, I want the word back, man. That doesn't mean that for me. You can have it. You can have it. It was about Jane Goodall. We were in the cab, and Kevin Barnett said he wanted a woman like Jane Goodall. And then I said, why would you want a woman like Jane Goodall?

And then Ed said, it's because she loves monkeys, man. And then Kevin said, why would you want a woman like Jane Goodall? And then Ed said, it's because she loves monkeys, man. And then Kevin said, what you're saying offends me. So you kind of did set him up, Kevin. But also, you didn't say he wanted to fuck Jane Goodall.

Hey, man, look, that's the real me. And I do think that Ed was honestly talking about the animal that is the monkey. Yeah, yeah. He loves monkeys. Yeah, a woman who loves monkeys

is a wonderful woman. That's what I'm saying. Oh, monkeys, goddammit. That's right. Ed, you're a big, dumb monkey. I'm a big, dumb monkey. You're not a porch monkey. Ben looks like a bleached gorilla.

Jackie. Jackie. Take it easy. I said he's not. It doesn't even matter. Jesus, what is wrong with you? You need to go on public board. That's the best excuse I've ever heard.

It's just amazing. No, I said he's not an N-word. Come on. Yeah. Malachi, you don't have to say N-word. No, but I don't know. Say the word. No, man.

I don't like saying that word. It's so much pain. I can't say it. You have to say it for me. No, I don't have to say it. I'm half white. I feel like somehow I'm not supposed to. See, yeah, my girlfriend, she's half white.

She tries saying it. It comes out all wrong. I can say it, right? She also has an English accent. So it sounds great. Yeah, it's great. It's really great. I have to tell her to stop.

Like, we live in Bed-Stuy, and I have to tell her, don't say it in public. Like, don't say it on the sidewalk. People are going to think it's me. Yeah. That's a major... That sucks. That sucks for you when that happens, Marcus. That's a fun trick to play on your white friends. Kevin, can you reenact the joke? Can you do an act out for that

joke? Because none of us else can. I don't understand what you mean. Just say the N-word. I would say the N-word and then people... Anyway, it doesn't matter matter what happened with these gay dudes man the gay dudes beat you up the gay dudes were walking past you very aggressively they pushed you and then you came up to me and said i've just been hate crimed and i can't do anything about it because they're gay. What was going on? What was in the water last night? Yeah, it's like, you know what?

I literally remember nothing, so I'm just going to have to take your word for it. I promise you. Full moon this weekend. Oh, is that what it was? It was the FSU game. No, I think it had something to do with the FSU. I was feeling the FSU shit got,

I mean, people were crowd surfing. Yeah. In a sports bar. That's crazy. I love it. It got very, very interesting. Anyway, Malachi, so you don't say the N-word at all, huh? If I get mad, like, if I get mad, I say it,

because then, like, I feel like I could be angry Malachi now, and it wouldn't sound as scary as angry Malachi. I kind of have an alter ego that grew up in the hood more than I did, so he talks more like he's from the hood. It's interesting, your alter ego who grew up in the hood more than I did. So he talks more like he's from the hood. It's interesting. Your alter ego who grew up in the hood sounds exactly like the white people use it. Just like full of rage and anger. No, no.

It's not. I mean, it's not full of rage and anger. Do you say it specifically towards someone, or is it just like if a Christian gets pissed off and says, God damn it? Yeah, it's kind of like that. He's like, ah! You stub your toe? No, I don't know.

That's interesting. That one makes sense. Yeah. All right, Mark. I'm going to go see 12 Years a Slave later tonight. Are you going to see it tonight? Yeah, tonight. Cool.

Have to catch yourself on the back, man. I'm excited to watch that movie. I'm a first generation American, so I fucking hate all the first generation whites. It's got nothing to do's got to do with me i hate them too boy i cannot make that claim no no no my parent my family's been in this country for a good three four hundred years so we're 38 years we don't talk about our time in georgia they're in the 1800s we're talking about going to the movie dressed up as like thomas Oh, yeah. That was... That's a big idea. People go to Batman dressed like the Joker and stuff?

I'll put on overalls. I would love it. He had to drag Malachi in by his hair. Can we go together? Yeah, yeah. I'll put on some overalls. Underwear. But at the end of the movie, you're wearing the suit and Ed's in his underwear

here's how it works like I'll run up to the line asking people like do you know which way which way north is and then Ed come up chase me that'll be hilarious

get back here yeah that's the third time he tried to run away from me this week isn't that interesting ooh can I be John Brown sure

yeah and just carry around a little black kid and just kiss him a lot whatever you want to do who is John Brown John Brown's Sure. Yeah, and just carry around a little black kid and just kiss him a lot? Whatever you want to do. Who is John Brown? John Brown was a famous abolitionist who got hung back before the Civil War. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a famous painting of him kissing a black kid. He's being taken off to the gallows. Since Marcus's family was responsible for it, then he is forced to learn more about the history. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am an art historian, God damn it. Yeah, yeah. I love a good fiction film,

so I'm excited. Yeah, Schindler's List, 12 Years of Slavery. It probably is fiction. I don't believe that slavery actually went down the way it did. One thing,

Of course it did. No, it didn't. Are you crazy? No, it didn't. No. No, because black people couldn't write and read. So how are you going

to write the legend when, of course, white people are going to. No, because black people couldn't write and read. So how are you going to write the legend? Of course, white people are going to say we want everything. Heresy. They can talk. White people were dejected. Or black people were dejected. And then we decided not to live. You have all those folk songs.

Come on. No. Frederick Douglass couldn't read and write. It's a myth, dude. Because look, they have a big, massive field. Like the biggest black dudes you've ever seen. You're telling me they had like three overseers on like a horse? No one wrote the Iliad

for 1,000 years. Look, man. Black people... I don't even know what that meant. Black people just love big boats and cotton. That's what happened.

You came here for all that stuff and it worked out. It didn't work. It didn't work. Well... I feel like we should all be in agreement, I suppose.

I don't even know what's happening, man. I'm just saying, they would have been overthrown. You can't have a field full of strong black people and a house full of skinny white people and tell me that that actually works out for a long time. It's so crazy. A little shackled up they were. Yeah.

All right, Marcus. Let's go to it. Good slavery conversation, everybody. Yes. All right. Was that the round table slavery conversation? We got a little bit of history in there.

Just talking. We're just rapping. Yeah. Just talking. You know what? I feel like from now on every episode 10 minutes of slave talk.

Let's do it. Yep. That sounds great. Oh. Our audience is going to love it. Let's change the name, man. Change the name of the podcast.

Slave Talk. Slaves at a Table. With more and more people. That's what Comics Unleashed actually is. It's called Slaves at a Table. All right, Mark. This is Byron Allen. Yeah.

Let's do a news story. While being chased by a cop, a Connecticut man allegedly threw a parrot at his uniform pursuer who was bit on the hand when trying to shield himself from the feathered projectile. Kevin, I don't know what it was about the story, but I immediately thought of you. Me too! I just feel like this is something that you would just throw a parrot at a dude to get I used to have a joke about that. Yeah.

Yeah, about getting shot to death by gangsters because I threw some birds at them or something. Which would be, I guess... I feel like throwing a bird at somebody, that is the closest thing to a nature's bullet. It can fly.

It can possibly attack. The parrots are really mean, too. Oh, they're vicious. They're loyal to their masters. Visually, though, there's probably nothing funnier than a bird being thrown at someone. That's amazing. That's how vicious, there's probably nothing funnier than a bird being thrown at someone.

That's amazing. And how vicious the parrot was, too. That was a good... The parrot knew its job. Yeah. It came in biting. It must be weird to be a bird and get, like, thrown because you're not flying. You're actually sort of, like, falling for a little while.

It's like a dog falling in a pool, though. They just immediately start to fly. It's fine. Yeah, I suppose so. Well, Louis Santana, 32, was arrested Tuesday night on several charges, including assaulting a police officer, disorderly conduct, and animal cruelty.

Oh, it's not cruel to the animal. Oh, come on. It can fly. A patrolman responded to a call about a fight encountered Santana on a Waterbury street around 10 p.m. when Santana bolted, bird in hand, Officer Gary Kajar gave chase. While fleeing, Santana turned

and threw the white parrot at Kajar's head. When the cop raised his hand to protect himself, the bird bit his finger. Kajar was treated at the scene for a bird bite. Oh my, treated at the scene? You can't drive yourself back to the precinct and put a band-aid on?

Sounds like pussy cop conditions. We better call the ambulance. They don't bite the fuck out of you, man. That is true. And you know, the guy almost got away.

He was apprehended while hiding in a nearby building. So that means the cop got bit by the bird and just stopped. Yeah.

Of course. Yeah. I guess so. You could have lost a finger. You're done. Yeah, if I get bit by a bird, I'm going home.

I'm just imagining No thank you This city doesn't want me out here today I'm here to serve and protect you I get to throw birds at me I'd be a terrible cop I'd always be going home for my naps I'm imagining the bird bite unit And they haven't had shit to do for like 6 months

Bird bite unit We got the call Oh there needs to be a law and order bird bite unit and they haven't had shit to do for like six months. Bird bite unit? We got the call. Oh, there needs to be a law and order bird bite unit. Well, following the bird tossing, investigators learned of a burglary Tuesday evening during which jewelry and a parrot were stolen. Burglary. Yes! I like that one. I like that one.

Good job, Jackie. You're back. I mean, I personally didn't think that was necessary. It wasn't racist, though, Kevin. It's a free podcast. Oh, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this.

Kevin from Chicago. Kevin, not you, Kevin. A different Kevin. A Kevin in Chicago. Long-time listener. Big-time fan. He's been bedridden for a couple of months, and he's rocking and rolling, though, and he's a large fan.

So this goes out to you, Kevin. Hey, Kevin! Fuck yeah man burglary. Did you read the email? I did. He said his favorite podcast is Roundtable one of his favorites? No he said all the podcasts. Of course it's his favorite it's the best one.

I know but you might be listening to some other stuff. The rest of it's fucking shit. Why is he even listening to it? Alright I don't know if we have to go there. It's all garbage. I'm just saying, if we're not on the fucking list, then we take back the compliment. He's a paraplegic. Well, if we're not one of his favorites,

then it's fucking bullshit. Kevin, I know we're one of your favorites. I know we're one of your favorites. Of course, he likes the best. Yeah, we talked about it on Top Hat. Elvis Presley, Coca-Cola, Roundtable of Gentlemen. Kevin. Yeah, this is Kevin Week right here. Kevin Kevin. Yeah, this is Kevin Week right here.

Kevin Week. Yeah, this is Kevin Week. So all the shows are dedicated to you, Kevin. Okay. Today. Yeah, if you do it for all of them, because we don't fucking know, man. We don't know. He didn't specify.

He just loved all of us. Can you send an email back just saying that you only hate Roundtable? Yeah, which podcast do you like so we can give you proper dedications and we're not just fucking saying bullshit and we shouldn't be saying stuff? He's fucking listening. He's hearing it. He's making him work real hard. Because of Holden, it's all Holden's fault.

I just need proof. You crushed his spirit, Holden. Oh, by the way, the bird was reunited with its owner. Oh, that's very nice. That's so nice. Surprise that Compton. Kevin the bird. Barnett? No, no, no. She's Kevin a bird. Barnett?

No, no, no. Oh, Kevin our listener. Barnett will fucking throw it at you. Exactly. I'd like a bird though, man. What kind of bird though? What kind of bird would you like? Honestly, an African gray.

They're really nice. You lit up like a... I just can't believe how much you like birds. Here's the thing, man. You know what I'm saying? I. Can we get you a bird? I've never seen him so much. Look, I think people forget. Birds can talk.

What the fuck is that? Think about it. It's amazing. Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, if we're going to get you an African gray, we're going to have to put together anywhere from $500 to $1,000. Well, because they live for like 80 years.

They live for a really long time. Kevin, you finally have a life partner because God knows you're not going to have a human dollars. Well, because they live for like 80 years. They live for a really long time. Kevin, you finally have a life partner. Yeah. Because God knows you're not going to have a human one. 60 years.

Yeah. They live for 80 years? 60. These birds? They're also like the most intelligent other parrots, man. They talk up a storm.

And they're beautiful. Yeah. That's amazing. Let's get Kickstarter going. Lovebirds are nice. Yeah. I like lovebirds. Where can people donate their money to for Kevin's bird?

We're not getting him a bird. We've got to get him a bird. Set up a Kickstarter. Yeah, people want to send some money in. They should be able to send some money in. In like two weeks, he'll have a bird. Yeah, get Kevin a bird. I don't know.

Email me at capecomedyradio at gmail.com. If you would like to contribute to Kevin getting a bird, if you have a bird that you want to give Kevin, I mean, we can make it happen. I love it. We'll start a new charity. Kevin's Birds. Yeah.

I love it. It's just a bunch of Cuban girls. That's right. What about the other Kevin gets no birds? No, the other Kevin's. Because Barnett took them all. Barnett's got the kids. I'm going to have a house made out of birds, man.

Every time you leave, you have two. I can't even tell you. They say there's feather pillows, but imagine just sleeping on a fucking bed full of birds. Sleeping on birds. This morning, I was walking to work. I was walking through Crane Point and I saw a man holding a pigeon and he was shaking it around

and it looked like the pigeon's head had been ripped off by fingers. Did you call the police? No. But for you, the guy that told you nice thighs was Satan? The pigeon guy wasn't what you led with? No. This guy that said nice thighs was a kind gentleman. This wasn't what you led with? No. That's the thing.

This guy that said nice thighs was a kind gentleman. This other man's a pigeon mutilator. This guy definitely ripped the head off the pigeon. But it was so early this morning that I was like, I just gotta get to work. But it was so weird because I could see his head on the ground and he had the insides of the pigeon

in his other hand. He's gonna fuck the inside of that pigeon. You think so? Definitely. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's prepping it on the street, too. He's bold as fuck. It's probably still warm.

It's called the fly job. Well, if you pull the head off of a bird, specifically a pigeon, there's still going to be a neck stem sticking out. So fucking the neck hole of a bird is not feasible. Yeah. I didn't see a stem. It's a fucking ass. Well, I've seen a lot of birds

get their heads pulled off. I know you have. I've seen a lot of dove get their heads pulled off and the dove is very close to the pigeon in physiology. Just saying for the joke, I just feel...

If you're gonna fuck a bird, fuck in the ass. Fuck in the ass. Remove the neck bone, apparently. Yeah. That's a thing. There's a neck bone. Or cut a hole in his stomach. Oh in the ass. Remove the neck bone, apparently. Yeah. That's a thing. There's a neck bone. Or cut a hole in his stomach.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you, guys. There we go. Nice thighs. Pigeons really don't get any respect, man. Never. I love pigeons, actually. I have no problem with pigeons.

Remember, I put a picture up on Facebook probably like, oh, it was a while ago, but it was like a, I was just walking through my neighborhood and there was like a boot like a Timberland and there was just a pigeon stuffed into it face first butt sticking up in the end dead as fuck

that's a funny prank though yeah and I think like a couple months before that I saw a pigeon it looked like it had gotten run over but it was on the side

of a wall so it was just smashed oh wow damn and I sat there for like half an hour just trying to understand. How fast?

It probably did like crack or something. God knows what they eat. They eat a bunch of different things. Every festival pigeons are fucked up. We had a keg party

back in Tallahassee one time and when we woke up in the morning and we looked in the keg bin there was a dead pigeon in the water. It was fucking disgusting. We left it there for like five days. You got to. one time and when we woke up in the morning and we looked in the keg bin, there was a dead pigeon in the water.

It was fucking disgusting. We left it there for like five days. Then we threw it in my buddy's air conditioning unit. That's what you do with it. My uncle races them, man. I can get you guys racing pigeons. I'm going home in a couple weeks. I'll bring you guys all back a pigeon. We're in Brooklyn. That's Mike Tyson's big thing. You go over to Bushwick

and there's all kinds of pigeon coops on top of buildings. Formations. I used to watch it. Yeah. The crazy formations every night at dusk. I think it's the most romantic thing you've ever said. Every night at dusk. It's true, because they would do the big tornado formations,

and they would, like, on different apartment buildings, and then they would like do this like, like shit together too. Man, pigeons are what's that? all of that shit is just ritual, man. They're feeding Mike Tyson

that power. I think it's like, pigeons in general are probably proud of that dude. That's why he's so strong. I agree. So, Mike Tyson uses pigeon power.

Oh, yeah. 19 years old, champion of the world. That makes all the sense. Saved his life. Kevin got a new Mike Tyson shirt. No, he won when he was champion of the world. That makes all the sense. Saved his life. Kevin got a new Mike Tyson shirt. Oh yeah. A lot of people talking about that shirt. Kevin's got the best sweater in the world.

Mike Tyson dressed like Mickey Mouse. It's a sweatshirt with Mike Tyson with Mickey Mouse gloves on and a Mickey Mouse trunk. It's not that good of a shirt. Is it not that good of a shirt? No, it is not. How much attention you get that night? It was crazy, man. I get to the fucking bar immediately groups of people whole groups coming up to me god damn that fucking shirt man i'm sure they love this my life is changing

listen i'm a different dude than i was thursday before i got that shirt well now you have the shirt who were you before you got the shirt? Fucking sad-ass nigga, man. But now I got this shirt. It's on display in my room. I have a picture of it that I just look at from time to time when I'm not wearing it. I got to keep it safe. I got to keep it secret.

Failing on that. I can't wait to get a bird for Kevin and then have the bird destroy that shirt. Oh, no, no, no. That's the end of that bird. Malachi, you're a well-dressed dude. Did you get laid in certain outfits? Do you wear an outfit to go out there and get laid? I feel like everyone's got that one shirt.

Those one pair of slacks, that one button down that you wear and you go out and you're like, I'm going to get fucking pussy because of this. I got a good shirt. What do you got? That blue shirt that's a blue and green plaid shirt. That's a good shirt. What do you got? That blue shirt that's a blue and green plaid shirt. That's a good shirt. That's a pretty successful shirt. You get ladies? In that shirt.

Yeah. My horse costume. That works? That works but I need a buddy but that's how I get the girl because I'm like oh no I'm only half the horse I need a second to do it but then I'm totally naked inside the costume so they won't get in and it's like oh you have to put your hands here to make the horse

are you the butt of the horse or the head of the horse I switch and go back and forth depending on what depending on if I want ass my ass eaten or her ass eaten right you will never have a single friend it's called my horsey surprise.

You can call me when you want it or email Marcus at roundtable. Cave Company Radio. If you want to be a part of Holden's horsey surprise, either email me or send a pic. Send a pic of your knees. I just want to close up above your knees and nothing else. We should do a shout out to a fan. Maybe Renee Emideth. Emideth?

Emideth. That's a fan. We'll let him have the horsey surprise. Yeah. He's a listener. Yeah. Anybody can get the surprise. Nicholas or Corey or one of those guys.

There's all of you. Absolutely. I'm working on saving up to get a giant raccoon costume, and that's going to change things up for me. Right, right. Yeah. So we'll do a contest. Just hold it, live it in dumpsters, dress as a raccoon. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing.

No one gives a fuck if you're eating garbage if you're dressed like a raccoon. You can eat garbage forever. No one calls the cops. No one chews you away. Don't be perfect because you have tiny hands. Well, look at that raccoon doing exactly what he should be doing. Yeah, exactly. Going to work every day eating the cops. No one chews you away. Don't be perfect because you have tiny hands. Look at that raccoon doing exactly what he should be doing. Yeah, exactly. Going to work every day eating the garbage.

It's so much fun. How about you, Malachi? You wear something special or you just always get pussy? No, it doesn't matter what you wear. You just have to trick them or be stronger or something. Not true. How do you trick them? You tell them you're going to do good stuff, and you like them, and you

understand what they're talking about. So you lie to them? Yeah. That's what I said. You trick them. That is the whole game, man. It is. I used to say that shit all the time.

It's like, literally, you just go out there, and you try to trick girls into having sex with you. Yep. That's what it is. That's exactly what happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because there's never been a time where they're like, that was a wonderful idea. No.

I'm saying you guys. Hey. Are you pointing at me? Yeah. You convince yourself. You're the representative. You convince yourself that it was a wonderful idea. No, you guys, like, I'm saying you guys. Hey. Are you pointing at me? Yeah, you convince yourself. You convince yourself that it was a good idea. It's never a good idea to fuck a guy, man. No, I don't get fucked. I fuck.

Get out of here. I don't care. I don't care. She's got a rocky exterior. I'm Jackie. Nope, that's not true. Like, you regret it. It's not a choice that you make.

We fool you. He's right. I told you. Oh, my God. I told Jackie, Malachi. You're smoking, Jackie. Like, you regret it. It's not a choice that you make. We fool you. He's right. I told you. Oh, my God. I told Jackie, Malachi. You're smoking, Jackie. Malachi, I lied to her to make her feel good.

My thighs. Nice thighs. Malachi, what's the biggest one you ever pulled over on a girl? The biggest... Biggest lie. How big was the girl? Well, she's got to be fat.

I mean, I don't know, I don't know, man. I think just telling her she was important, that's probably it. All right, let's move on. When I say fat, I mean beautiful, of course. Ladies that love the program, we love you. That's Malachi Nimmin, and he's just making jokes. You know what? I'm going to give you guys a very romantic story right now.

This is true love. No charges will be filed against a grieving man who sprinkled some of his dead fiancé's ashes in a LensCrafter's, causing a Florida mall to be evacuated and shut down for two hours. Florida? We're in Florida? First of all. Sarasota. Eee, old people town.

That's where Pee Wee Herman got caught. So do they know his motive for... Sarasota police said a man on Tuesday sprinkled some of the ashes in places that were special to the couple. Officials said the woman had a connection to Lens Crafters in the Westfield Southgate Mall, and because of that, the man released some of the ashes there on Tuesday. The incident occurred just before noon, when the man threw what was then an unknown substance into the store and then ran away. How sad is the relationship of lens crafters? It's like the main go-to to sprinkle in ash.

I want to be sprinkled in lens crafters. You probably just met her like three weeks ago while you were buying prescription lenses. And the mall was closed because they didn't know what the white powdery substance was and shoppers inside were asked to shelter in place until hazmat personnel could sample the substance and determine whether it was hazardous.

No, no, no. It's just his dead wife. Everyone come out now. Fiance. If somebody's sprinkling shit, you don't know what it is. How are you going to shelter in place? It's his fiance.

It's his fiance. So it wasn't even his wife. So they literally did? It's his fiancé. It's his fiancé. So it wasn't even his wife. So they literally did just leave the last crafter. He says it's his fiancé. I mean, he got the ashes. Who's giving this guy the ashes to begin with if they're not married? I mean, probably the parents. Isn't it difficult to get

ashes? I mean, yeah. You have to have power. You have to be able to... The next of kin gets the ashes of the body. Our theory is that you spread your ashes someplace that you want to have power. I mean, you have to be able to... The next of kin gets the ashes of the body. And the theory is that you spread your ashes someplace that you want to have eternal life, right? That you want to have your spirit... So now she's just at a lens crafters in Florida? No, I mean, I'm sure she got swept up.

That's the thing. It's like, what kind of logic? The place has janitors. It's not an ocean. It's not a fucking mountain. The good thing about... I heard that you don't necessarily get completely into powder either. There's some bones in there.

Yeah, there's some little clumps and shit. Yeah. Well, a person has to be burned at 3,000 degrees for up to two hours for the entire body to be turned to bone. But a lot of times that doesn't happen. So usually they just sift through. They take the ashes and they sift out all of the bones so you just get the powder. I want the bones, none

of the ashes. You can request that if you like. How are your bones coming, Marcus? Oh my god, they're coming great. I've bleached almost all of them. I use a toothbrush and I dip the toothbrush in some bleach and then scrub them. It's taken me days and days.

Kevin from Chicago, if you want a bone, Marcus will send you a bone. Yeah, I'll send you a bone. Yeah, we'll send him a bone. Send him a bone. No one else. No one else gets a bone.

Kevin from Chicago, you'll get a bone. I'm curious to know as far as... Put a condom on it. Do whatever you want to do with it, Kevin. Boner. Like a boner. Where would you want your ashes scattered?

In any mall, in a mall place. I want to go to a- Gadzooks. Jinx on that. I'd go with the Chinese place at the food court. Fredericks of Hollywood. Ooh, that's not bad. Crotchless panties forever.

Ooh, yeah. Disney store. The Disneyless panties forever. Ooh, yeah. Disney store. The Disney store? Oh, you imagine. That would have been more terrifying if he would have spread his ashes all over the Disney store. Wetzel's pretzels, man.

Ooh. Delicious. What about Auntie Anne's pretzels, though? The Wetzel's don't got that butter. I don't know. Auntie Anne's has got some butter. She's got butter. Yeah.

How about flips? Flips would be good. What about you, Drew? Where? Bro, I'd have to go with my first job was at a PacSun. So that's the closest thing to being at the beach. All over the glasses. Yeah.

My first job was at PacSun also, man. Really? Yeah, dude. Get some JNCO jeans in there. Definitely. Get some Vans. 15 inches in diameter. Maybe a Hot Topic.

I feel like hot topic would be a good place yeah right remember hot topic you gotta freak out some people yeah you'd be surrounded by a bunch of moody bitches

man yeah that's true that's why you do it though yeah okay cause you get off on that get an autumn what do you think Malachi I think just by default

I have to go to the footlocker or something oh yeah it just hasn't been said yet there's no place to go. All my places got taken. Well, are you going to go to the Disney store, too? You can come with me.

Build-A-Bear. One potato, two potato? That was my second time. Sharper image or Brookstone. You can put your ashes on a massage chair and get your ass massaged for the rest of your life. That's a good point. Spencer's Gifts. Spencer's Gifts.

People would probably just buy it thinking that it was a gag. Yeah, and they'd take it to their big mansion. Well, that's interesting. Well, we just definitely listed a bunch of stores that are in malls. That's great. It was a really good topic for a segment. It was an interesting topic, yeah. Throw it out there, you know.

Throw it out there. So now is this guy, he's not getting charged. He's not getting charged at all. Even though these people had two hours where they had to be, you know, in the fetal position in whatever store they're in. Yep. You imagine the poor husband who got drugged to the mall by his wife to go to fucking JCPenney so she can get some shitty pants. Screaming at the old man. Yeah.

You know he's sitting there, too. Yeah. Well, police said that the mall and the Sarasota Fire Department could seek to recover civil costs from the men. So the mall could seek lost revenue from this dude. Oh, leave him alone. Love is real. You know, leave him alone. Can you imagine that wait, like when they're waiting to find out if it's going to kill

him or not? And like the delivery of that message must have been like some mall employee or some shit. Like, hey, y'all wait for two hours. We find out if it's going to kill you or not. Like, hey, y'all wait for two hours before we find out who's going to kill you or not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, should we just be evacuated and not just hanging out here?

Yes. Well, if it's some sort of anthrax, you can't spread it among the general population. They have to kill everyone in the mall. That would be awesome. Yeah, do a Nairobi.

It'll be fine. That's actually a great horror movie. Quarantine in front of the... Quarantine in a mall. Yeah, that's the twist at the end is it just turns out to be some dead person. The dude's ashes. Thought of the Dead 2 worked so well.

Yeah. That'll be the first time a riot ever happens in a movie theater, when that twist happens. It'd be perfect. Dawn of the Dead, so that's the one in the movie theater, right? Or in the mall.

Dawn of the Dead, yeah, that was the one in the mall. Interesting. Interesting. All right, next story. Kevin, that was in the mall. Interesting. Interesting. All right, next story. Kevin, this one's for you. Oh, fuck. Another one?

Two stories in a row? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, don't worry, Jackie. I got one for you coming up. Do you have one for me? You know what? This one's kind of for you, too. Okay, so is it for Holden

or not, Kevin? I don't want to share this. Yeah, I love it. No, you're going to have to share this one. I have an erection. Come on. Marcus, let's get to share this. Yeah, I love it. No, you're going to have to share this one. I have an erection. Come on. Oh, my goodness.

Marcus, let's get to this story. You are hardies. You're getting grease all over my news stories. A jealous Saudi husband divorced his wife after she posted a snap of her kissing a horse online. That was definitely for Holden. Yeah, that's for Holden. But you love horses. Yeah, you know, but he is one.

Yeah. That's for holding. But you love horses. Yeah, you know, but he is one. Yeah. That's the thing. The innocent image of his spouse tenderly planting a smooch on the four-legged filly's face at a farm near Riyadh was apparently too much for him. Humiliated by the picture, he reportedly wanted her out of his life and immediately informed her they would no longer be together. Emirates 24-7 reports that the newly single woman, quote, does not regret what she has done. Yeah, that dude missed out on his fucking chance

for a banging ass threesome. Damn right. Yeah. Wait, where was she kissing the horse? Just on the little face? On the mouth. Yeah, it's not a big face.

It's probably his muzzle. On the cheek. On the cheek? Yeah. That's fine. That's adorable. Oh, fuck Saudi Arabian man. Yeah, well, certainly fuck Saudi Arabian man. Well, certainly fuck Saudi Arabian man.

I mean, they're a sexist breed who are absolutely insane. There's no doubt about that. Not all of them. What is wrong with you? I'm trying to throw out my BC there. I'm trying to go, I'm grabbing for a bone over here. How many Saudi Arabian men have you fucked? None.

Look at those sweet she is planting that little kiss on him. Here, this is the picture of the woman kissing the horse. You can't even really see it. And look, she's even got her face covered. It's kind of a sexy picture.

Yeah, but where is she, though? She looks like she's in some sort of arena. Maybe it was at the race track. At the race or something, yeah. She probably wasn't allowed to go to the race,

and that's why he was upset. She said she is very proud about that picture as it expresses her love for Arabian horses. And they're a beautiful, beautiful group of horses. Arabian horses are beautiful. Drew, what would a woman have to kiss for you to break up with her or divorce her? I mean, I feel like this guy must have really hated horses. Perhaps if she would have kissed a pigeon or a chicken, he would have been fine with it. And what store in the mall would she have to do it in?

I think a good store is one potato, two potatoes. Kiss another dude first of all. A dude is the worst. Break up a bull, right? And then, you know, you wouldn't want... She's probably doing it somewhere else. Yeah, well, something non-human. Oh, something non-human? Yeah. Probably. What about like

a jellyfish Or a goose Something weird What do you think of Malachi Oh an armadillo Oh something Oh man I don't know There's a lot of things

In a non-human That would turn me on If a girl kissed it Like what Fuck yeah Like a dildo Yeah Or a goose

That's a good one That's a good point Or like a bicycle Or some shit A bicycle I don't know I mean I don't know about it. It's never happened, but I feel like I could find a way to make that work.

I'm very determined. I would turn you on. If a chick really wanted to fuck a bicycle. I'm saying, look, if she really wants to and that's what I have right now, then it's just going to have to work. That would make her a mechanophiliac. We talked about this last week. I'm not open-minded.

I'm just determined not to fail. So, you know, I have a goal. I have to get there. If I have to go through a bitch that's licking a bicycle, then so be it. Alright. I guess that's okay. Yeah, and there are a lot of people who do lick bicycles and things like that. People love bikes, man. And then you come on the bicycle

seat, I suppose, and then she licks it off. Or sits on it. Or sits on it. I could see how that could be hot. Yeah. There was a time in my life when i was really into chicks on bikes man yeah just like biking around living in this uh in this city that'll really get you into girls on bikes i was i used to be like really into bikes i was all about bikes and i was like man i just see chicks on bikes i'm like man fuck dick's hard shit i like bikes. Jigsaw bikes. You're a monster.

No, I don't know. I'm just specific. I'll tell you what, man. You've got to get on fucking OKCupid with that shit, because I couldn't date half the girls on there, because they were all avid bike riders, and they fucking wanted dudes that rode bikes. I don't ride bikes.

I'm afraid of bikes. I had a real Williamsburg, Brooklyn situation today. I was walking to go meet Edward Larson at Roblin Sporting Club, which is a fun little bar, and a biker passed me, and it was a male, white fella, and his butt crack was showing, but he was wearing a thong. And so I saw his entire ass, and then with the thong, and I just kind of shook my head.

Just kind of a shake your head kind of moment. What are people coming to? It's too bad you don't have a rock in your hand or something. I don't think you can stone him. I didn't realize that men were wearing thongs now. He didn't look like a gay guy. It wasn't like a gay situation. I think this is just this guy's cozy undergarments.

Someone should beat him to death. Thongs is a controversial thing. Somebody should beat him to death. Thongs are controversial. Somebody should beat him to death. You don't like thongs, right? No, I don't, but I don't think you should beat him to death. No, I don't want to beat him to death. I was just wondering. I was looking at it.

No, no, no. Eddie wants to beat him to death. I don't want to do it. I want to pay to have it done. Yeah. How much is too much to pay for having that guy beat to death? $40. Too much?

I'll go $35. $35? You're not going to get what you're looking for. I just feel like thawing on a bike is rough. I feel like it's already hard enough with underpants. Right. Because underpants goes up your ass anyway on a bike. But he's biking, and yeah, I was just very confused.

Yeah, maybe the underpants just went up his ass a bunch. No, they were cut. It was a cut high. It looked like ladies' panties, and maybe that's what he was wearing. Yeah, maybe that underpants just went up his ass a bunch. No, they were cut. It was a cut high. It looked like ladies' panties, and maybe that's what he was wearing. Yeah, maybe that's his thing. Maybe he had just come home from fucking banging the shit out of some hot bitch. Grabbed the wrong underwear. Yeah.

And made the classic mistake, like, oh, I was wearing these boxer briefs. This thong looked exactly like what I had when I came in. That's interesting. Yeah, it's like everybody loves Raymond. I hope I never fit into the underwear of the woman I'm having sex with. That's interesting. Yeah, it's like everybody loves Raymond. I hope I never fit into the underwear of the woman I'm having sex with. Oh, yeah.

Your underwear's gonna be far, far too big for you to fit in. Don't worry about any of that. You don't gotta be concerned about that. You'll fit in her bra, though.

That's for damn sure. Damn. I got a wide back. Yeah, I don't think he would. He is wide. Yeah, that's true. But his...

Say what, Josh? Let's talk about his dick. What about his head? Never mind. I take it back. Is it just me? This is a weird episode, right? It is.

You know, I like it. Okay. Yeah, I love it, too. I mean, we did, you know, do 10 minutes of slavery talk. Yeah, right up top. Let's start that up again. That'll get you. All right, Kevin,

what are your stances on it? Open and close with it. Oh, man, I just wish we could go back to it. Yeah. I mean, we can. Yeah. I mean, it's up to you, Kevin.

It is up to me, I guess. Marcus just lit some incense. Thank you for doing that, Marcus. It started to smell like a poo in here. I mean, we've got a sewage problem. Okay, yeah,

it's a little poopy. Yeah. But I did light some incense. So, Kevin, slaves... You can start going. Yeah. But I did light some incense. So, Kevin, slaves? You can start going. No. Jesus Christ. No, Marcus.

You can't say that. What the fuck is happening? Hey, I understand. Yeah. My people are Jewish. I understand. We were slaves, too. Aye.

Bad at it. I used to put it. We built pyramids, man. They were great at it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They got aliens involved and shit. Yeah. Jews are aliens. That's the moral of the story. Yeah, man. They were great at it. Yeah, they got aliens involved and shit. Jews are aliens.

That's the moral of the story. Actually, that makes you all bad at it, dude. We built fucking all of America. We didn't need no fucking aliens to help us. You guys had some technology working for you. That's the thing. That is very, very true. Men and slaves built America. What about the Native Americans?

No. They weren't slaves. They were not. very true. Men and slaves built America. What about the Native Americans? No. They weren't slaves. They were not. Some of them were slaves. Listen to that Jezebel. Listen to that. Jezebel doesn't listen to this. Jezebel? The website always listens to it. Yeah, they link us.

We have a whole thing. It's not true. Yeah, no. The Roundtable is huge on Jezebel. Yeah, feminists love us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and speaking of which, I have a story right now that can only be described as Jackie's perfect storm. This is the story. Yeah. Why do you look so sad, Kissel?

Because it's just going to lead to things. It's fine. I'll be good. I've been trying to curb the racism of the show but it's just not oh can we talk about that cab driver oh yeah in a second in a second what's the story we'll get to it a chinese bride mistakenly had sex with her new husband's groomsman after jumping into the wrong bed she then filed rape charges against him. What a fucking cunt! Man!

Oh! No. Alright. That's not how that went down. That's not how that really went down. I mean, that's the story. I think that's also the best cover-up I've ever heard in my life. You think so? Yeah, man, you know when women cry rape, it's like, oh no,

we actually wanted to have sex with each other. Told you they never do. No, sometimes they do and they're like, oh no, he raped me. I didn't mean, I wasn't cheating on you. Well, here's what happened. Yes. Mrs. Huang went to an outhouse bathroom during the night and entered the wrong room on her return. When she woke, she realized what had happened

and ran through the house yelling, Help! I've been raped! This certainly doesn't help the stereotype that all Chinese people look alike. There's that one in there. That's for sure. It actually quite enforces the stereotype. You can argue it strengthens the stereotype.

They didn't have any plumbing in the house either? I think that's a stereotype. Yes. I mean, she gets out of jail free here, right? I mean, the guy's still married to her, and I suppose if the... Well, here's what happened. After everyone gathered, it was decided

that the groomsmen should pay the newly wed couple 20,000 yuan, which amounts to about $3,500. That's yuan is Asian shoes. Wait, for the fuck? Yes, but he refused saying he didn't feel that he

was the one in the wrong and didn't have the money anyway. That's great. I just also love it. It's like, you know, you're not an adulterer. We're going to make you a prostitute. You're going to give us $3,500 for the fucking bang. That's great. That's really nice. It's like, you know, you're not an adulterer. We're going to make you a prostitute. You're going to give us $3,500 for the fucking bang. That's great. I mean, it doesn't really matter. That's really nice.

It's not bad. But the couple took the matter to police, but a county-level court ruled that the groomsman was not guilty of rape. I mean, she went in there and fucked this dude. I mean, could you ever kick a girl out of bed who just kind of wanders into your room and she's obviously attracted to this wedding outfit? I mean, you're a wedding outfit. It's what we've all wanted since we were 12 years old.

Exactly. It's her wedding night too, so she's been losing weight. She looks fucking perfect. She's happy and shit. I kicked a woman out of my room who fucking wandered in there one time. What? Ooh, she's horrible.

Well, she wasn't attractive. She was all right. Are you talking about bad neighbor? Bad neighbor, yeah. Yeah, yeah. She got kicked out of bed downstairs. She was an awful woman. What happened?

Where was bad neighbor? In Tallahassee. I woke up... We didn't have a lock on our door. Okay, it was... kicked out of bed downstairs. She was an awful woman. What happened? Where was bad neighbor? Tallahassee. I woke up. We didn't have a lock on our door. Okay. She was shared between what? Ed, Tim, and who? And Palin, the punk kid?

No, no. And Henry. And Henry, right? Yeah, but Henry didn't ever do anything with her, but she always... Because Henry has morals. These are the lovers that are sort of passing her around is what I'm trying to get across. This was a bad woman. She once said the phrase to me,

I've ran away from more places you'll ever go to. Oh my god. But then you didn't cuddle with her, huh? No, no, no. I woke up and she was kissing me in my sleep and I didn't invite her in my room at all. So I threw her out. You should have cuddled with her.

No, you should have just fucked her and then tried to get money out of her afterwards. Yeah. You could have gotten $3,500. We got a dildo offer. Our portafist dildo went missing and I thought she stole it because she was such a whore.

And so I went downstairs and accused her of stealing our dildo and she got incredibly offended. And I was like, well, you know, you got one we can borrow? And then she did. Yeah. And it was your dildo. No she got incredibly offended. And I was like, well, you know, you got one we can borrow? And then she did. Yeah.

And it was your dildo. No, it wasn't mine. It was hers. No. Yeah, it was a gross one. And then you guys took it from her. Yeah, we took it and used it. So the murder fist dildo that you guys still use

was previously inside of a woman. Holden just lost it. Yeah, I lost it in a cab. Mm, yeah. Holden left a bag full of dildos in the back of a cab. So you lost the one that you stole from me? Yeah. They were all attached to a brain.

So I feel like, what did that cabby think? He opened up the bag in the trunk, and it was like a giant brain. It was like two feet tall, three feet wide, and a bunch of dildos, and probably a fake gun. No, but silver skin-tight pants. It's a murder for a sketch involving a large brain. It's a huge prop that is attached to a bunch

of dildos, this massive brain that they're talking about. Yeah, that cab driver must have really fucking... Is it a lottery? We tried. We looked, too. I've made a lot of calls. I've really tried to track that bag down, and that cabbie said, no, there was nothing in his trunk when I finally got to it. Yeah, so he either

freaked him out, or he loved it. Either way, I wasn't getting that back. If you find a bag full of dildos in the back of your cab, you throw it in the trash. I mean, I guess, unless you're fucking freaky. Then you fucking go home. You leave them on the street for a kid to find. Yeah. Jackie, do girls actually use

dildos? I've never used a dildo before in my life. You use like a vibrator, right? No, I don't have any of those things. Like a finger thing, huh? No. I think most women prefer to use a vibrator. Speaking for women. I will speak for women. You didn't speak for women. I don't know about that shit. Most women

have like big ass things, and they have tassels, and they got this little egg that makes their clit get a balloon up like a mushroom. Yeah, but if you're a real woman, you don't need lube. Yeah, they jamming. I mean, either way, they're jamming those fucking vibrators up there. I've seen women, they can fit four or five up there in it.

Sometimes girls who are roommates, they will steal the other one's vibrator. My girlfriend had a roommate who came into a room while she was gone, grabbed her vibrator, used it, and then put it back where it was. Also, she knew that she used it because

my girlfriend is black. Her roommate is blonde. Blonde pubes? Blonde pubes. I didn't even wash it off. She didn't even wash it off. She just fucking put it right back. Okay. You know, I'll tell you, also, they like other objects.

I knew a girl named the human billiards table, and, you know, she'd be putting eight balls and, like, billiard balls, like, in every hole. Yeah. Love quarters. Vat of Luby in her closet. Iy in her closet a fucking vat of it malik have you ever stick a dildo in a woman nope marcus all right well this next story comes from a listener brandon wills who posted this on our facebook page a gunman in a clown costume shot and killed the oldest brother of one of mexico's

most notorious drug trafficking families in the resort of Los Cabos. I love that we're doing this story. I love it. It's awesome. Fucking love it. Francisco Rafael Arellano Felix, 63, a former leader of the Tijuana cartel, was shot in the head late on Friday at a family gathering in the southern tip of the state of Baja, California, sir. A person dressed as a clown took his life. Love it the state of Baja, California, sir, a person dressed as a clown took his life. Love it.

Fuck yeah. Last thing you see, man, clown with a gun. Fucking pointed right at your goddamn face. Fuck yeah. Oh, man! That's awesome. Local media reported that the killer had two accomplices, but this was not yet clear. The gunman fled the scene, got away.

Ariana feared... He got into the world's tiniest car, but I'll tell you it was fast as fuck. So yeah, were his accomplices also dressed like clowns or were they dressed like other things? I think they were just two accomplices, just two Mexican dudes. I bet they were dressed as waiters

and one was dressed as a little girl. Could be. Fucking sweet. Right? And man, I bet they were dressed as waiters And one was dressed as a little girl At the party Fucking sweet Right I hope too that the clown drew the gun on the dude And it was like some badass dude And he just fucking laughed his way up Until the bullet went to his fucking head

Right if he just went like Laughing at the clown Funny trick clown I mean I'll have to teach it to me again sometime Yes Laughing at the clown. Funny trick, clown. You'll have to teach it to me again sometime. Yes. In hell, clown. As comedians, as entertainers,

I mean, this is sort of the perfect story, right? I mean, sometimes when you're on stage, you're making people laugh. You just look at them smiling and having a great time, and you're just like, I'm going to fucking shoot you. I would fucking love to just shoot you. I my audience i want to say audience i love you beautiful birds for kevin birdsforkevin.com yeah please help me kickstarter coming soon all right kickstart coming soon cave comedy radio gmail.com if you want to give a bird to kevin horsey surprise and also also horsey

surprise and birds for Kevin. Who's going to get some birds, man? Somebody's going to send you a bird. I believe that in my heart. Yeah. If I got that call, I'd do it. I hope so. If you want to send a bird, send it to 1093 Jackson Avenue, Queens, New York, 11101.

I mean, it's just going to be dead. I'll tell you what, too. Fucking bird seed. We need to care for these birds. We need bird seed cages. Anything you got, send them over. Birds like mirrors. They like mirrors. Anything. Seed birds. We need bird seed cages. Anything you got, send them over. Birds like mirrors. They like mirrors.

Anything. Seed bell. Send us a seed bell. You can send live birds in the mail. You can't send live birds in the mail. How do you do that? I swear to God, my uncle used to get pigeons in the mail all the time. That's insanity.

Shit would come. Sometimes they'd be dead. Sometimes they'd be hurt, but they would get there. It doesn't sound like they were alive at all. Sounds like a message. Yep. Natural environmental secure transporters. You can ship a live bird through the U.S. Postal Service.

Wow. You just need a box with those holes in it. You got to get a special one. You're good to go. So what's happened with this guy who got shot in the head by the clown? Well, Ariano Felix spent nearly 15 years behind bars for drug-related offenses after his arrest in Mexico in late 1993, extradited to the United States in 2006. He was later paroled and walked free on his return to Mexico in 2008. Another official working with state prosecutors said Arellano Felix, the oldest of the brothers who headed the gang, was not wanted by authorities at the time of his death.

The possibility that his killer had ties to organized crime was being investigated. Which means they don't know if this was a hit or just a clown with a nut. A clown with a what? A nut. That reeks of mafia hit. I love dressing up like a clown and fucking

killing people. That sounds very... I mean, you said that present tense. I love dressing up as a clown and killing people. That sounds, it's very, I mean, I like, I mean, you said that present tense. I love dressing up as a clown and killing people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. No, I was actually just in Mexico, which is pretty great. All right, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh,

now we're talking about man-made birds of the sky with choosing, what's your airline gonna be? What is your airline gonna be? Marcus is a multi-billion dollar fucking whatever. Airline guy. Airline distributor person.

I own an airport. Yeah, and he's going to choose which airlines go into his airport. He only got a couple spots open. How many spots? How many spots, Marcus? Well, I mean, I own the airport in Dubai, so I've got two spots. Okay. Two spots going in and out of Dubai, so it's a big fucking party town, you fuckers.

So let's say for me, we were talking about this earlier, but yeah, sexy holding, sexy, fun airline. Fuck line is what it'll be called. And every seat's got a pocket pussy in the back and a dildo that pops up if you hit a button. So no whores? It's just toys. I've not talked about first class yet. Oh, okay. First class, business class, right?

And then there's coach, right? So coach, you just got the pocket pussies and the dildos. All the movies are like fun, like Disney movies. And you've got like good stewardess and stuff with their tits out and stuff. There'll be a gay and a straight plane. So you pick gay or straight. movies and um you've got like good stewardess and stuff with their tits out and stuff um there'll be a gay and a straight uh plane so you pick gay or straight and then in business class you've got the whores right um you know like hoarding of the night yeah you get like two positions for each flight if it's a long flight you get four positions all right um and then you go into first class and

that's all the fetishes and all the dirty, weird shit. And we'll pretty much accommodate any of your nasty bullshit. You fucking perverts. No, I'm listening to this. Fucking stop, you know, doing that nasty shit. But if you do do that nasty shit, you got to pay a lot of money to do it on my airplane in first class. Bestiality. Yeah, sure. We'll have that option.

Absolutely. Why not? Kids? That's where we draw the line. Sorry, Ed. Unless you're the pilot. We should get a... Then, yeah, we get different rates and stuff.

Get a midget and dress him up like a kid. Sure, yeah, we'll do stuff like that. That's great. We'll have like Freaky Friday and stuff where you can go do some weirder stuff. But yeah, that's pretty much it. I like flying on Tuesdays. Yeah, definitely.

And the plane looks like a woman with big tits. Oh, wow. Interesting. I mean, not aerits. Oh, wow. Interesting. I mean, not aerodynamically sound. Right. Or obviously if you're on the gay plane, it's to do with a big dick. Well, the airplane looks like a dick itself. So it'll just be a huge dick.

You're right. Marcus, thank you. You can come help me on the creative team if you want. Yeah, I appreciate that. There's always a position open if you're not too busy running your fucking airport. I got a question, though, Holden, real quick. Now, the straight and the gay,

now, is that also separated by sex? Like, on the straight plane, is there a bunch of waitresses with tits? Because there'd also be waiters with big dicks. Well, no. Well, dude, fucking woman straight, woman gay.

I'm willing to get intricate because obviously we're going to be charging out the fucking asshole to get on this flight. So, yeah, there'll be a lesbian plane, a fucking straight. The problem is the lesbian plane, it'll have extra pillows. You'll fall asleep immediately. Yeah, everyone just sleeping and moving in together.

Well, each seat will be a little house and the women can all move in together in their different house seats. That's essentially all they're going to be doing. And like, yeah, Watching fucking True Blood or whatever Cool I like that airline I don't know something like that What do they watch? The O word or whatever The O word

Orange is the new black That's a great airline Yeah there you go Kevin what do you got? Okay so my airline would be called Soul Plane 2. You would think that it's going to be like the movie. Outside, they're playing all types of hip-hop, butts are bouncing,

but you walk in, and as soon as you do, the fucking door shuts, there's chains everywhere, and it's full of ghosts. You're sitting in this haunted plane, dealing with all the ghosts of dead Native Americans. Oh, wow.

And it only goes to Africa. Oh, man. That's great. I love getting on social media. Well, technically Dubai is in Africa, so you're good. Yeah. Very nice. I have nothing.

I have nothing. Nothing at all. Wow. No airplanes. Something about cheese. Cheese airplanes. Something about cheese. Cheese airplanes. Cheese ways. So you're talking a Dubai to Wisconsin direct flight.

My favorite is Marcus trying to give bid. Something like that there. Everyone appreciates how hard you try. No, I do try. I am trying. Kevin goes along with it. No, I know. hard you try. No, I do try. I am trying. Kevin goes along with it. No, I know. I always try.

I'm telling you, I'm trying. So, an airplane made out of cheese. Marga's lucky thing about airplanes. I mean, it's not going to... I mean, he didn't say that, Holden. No. He just said the word cheese, and I'm trying to help him. I'm trying to give him some prompts.

You know, I'm trying to yes and you here. Is this not, is the fucking pilot made out of cheese? Do they serve cheese? You know, it's just all of that. And it is just. And more. All that and more. And more.

Well, those planes are going to crash. And that's our slogan. Cheese can't fly, so. Is the pilot made out of cheese? Well, it's all that and more. And that's the slogan. And I think it's going to really take off. Oh.

Dare I say. I think a lot of people are going to have a lot of fun on my plane because I'm going to be doing time. Oh, okay. Well, that's big. That's a big, juicy event. I'll be doing 25 minutes up top, and I'll be closing it off with another 25 minutes of the same material.

And I feel like overall, everyone's going to enjoy it. And at the end, oh, it's going to be funny because when you're sitting there... You have a little midget come out like Heldane. He's like, you on hell plane. Yes... You have a little midget come out like Heldane's like, you on hell plane! Yes. I have a little midget and everyone has those little

tree things that cab drivers put on their... The pine tree. It smells like cheese though. And everything smells like cheese. Do you give away cheese? Yeah, and people order a steak but they get cheese. And the bathroom is made like cheese. Do you give away cheese? Yeah, and people order a steak, but they get cheese. And the bathroom is made of cheese.

And if you fucking piss all over it. Don't fucking laugh at this. Malachi! You gotta fucking eat it. What do you got? You gotta eat the toilet before you leave the bathroom. Malachi! How do you spell your name?

M-A-L-A-C-H-I. Ah, I put an extra A in there. Google that shit right now. Malachi. Every telemarketer, they just say the M and then make up the rest of it. Like a G? That's not even in my name. Magunga.

My airline would be Hero Airlines. It would be dope because you get your ticket. Everybody gets a ticket and you all get an item that's in a brown bag. You don't know what the fuck is in there. But at some point during the flight, something horrible is going to happen. Terrorists are going to come attack. The pilots are going to pass out. And you can only use what's in your bag to save the day.

No matter what, you put random items in there. It could be a chain. It could be a banana. It could be a juice box or some shit. So like Battle Royale, but in an airline. No, you're not trying to kill everybody else. You're trying to make sure everybody doesn't die. Yeah, you're going to be the hero.

Yeah, you could all die. So you just have to hope that somebody gets a gun or something if there's terrorists or whatever it is. A defibrillator if someone has a heart attack. It's going to be hard to put that in a heart attack. Right, yeah. It's going to be hard to put that in a paper bag. Yeah, just somebody that's smart. I always want to have that moment where the pilot passes out

and it's like, who can understand English and I'm the only one so I have to talk to the tower and they tell me how to bring the plane in. I push the pilot aside and save the day.

I want that moment, man. Hell yeah, man. You can live that moment on Hero Airlines. Why take the day? That's great. Yeah, I kind of like that moment on Hero Airlines. That's great. Yeah, I kind of like it. Commercials.

They don't need that in Africa. Gives you something to do for a few hours. Drew! Drew, you're up. I think we've got

to get rockets involved in this. Absolutely. You've got to go outside of the atmosphere, like 17,000 miles an hour. You pay extra, you

get to float around a little bit for like five minutes. Probably not that long. Probably a minute and a half. You pay like an extra couple thousand dollars. You know, you pay extra. You get to float around a little bit for like five minutes. Probably not that long. Probably a minute and a half. You pay like an extra couple thousand dollars. You gotta charge extra for everything on this airline, obviously. You get like space food in a bag. It's a whole thing. But then you get

like, you know, like New York to Tokyo in like an hour and a half. So you're Richard Branson. You're running Virgin Airlines. Richard Branson's my hero, honestly. He's like a real-life superhero. He looks like Tony Stark and Thor had a baby. All right, Jackie, what do you got?

All right, well, I mean, mine is a lot along the lines of Malachi's, except it's as if it's run by the devil. So it's called Dubai Don't Want to Die. And basically it's a if it's run by the devil. Yeah. So it's called Dubai Don't Wanna Die. And basically it's millionaires. It's a small plane, all right? Millionaires pay. People can get on the plane. Like, public people can get on the plane

if they have the money to get onto it. But one certain millionaire, every time they board the plane, is in charge of running it into the ground and then saving the flight. but he sets it all up he buys the arabs to come on the plane and be the terrorists and he pays people off on the plane to kill them if they have to or to date them but not just terrorism it's like if the plane goes down if like if like we start losing gas but it's all set up by the millionaire before they get on

the plane and most of the people are into it but their family is does not know anything about it so they want to become like it's like say you're a piece of shit say you're stealing all this money you're trying to save your cut like your street cred with your family so you set it all up to save them and everyone else on the flight. And so no one ever dies, but they get really fucking close to it, and you gotta kill some people sometimes, but everyone's in on it, and their families get paid off. You just fucking pay

everybody off. Pay the pilots off, and you're just making a whole setup. It's like one way to Dubai, and then right back, they do it once a week, back and forth. It's like one way to Dubai, and then right back. They do it once a week, back and forth. Yeah. That's a mix of that.

The movie The Royal Tenenbaums and that Michael Douglas movie, The Game. The Game, yeah. I love that in the air. You could pitch that to Hollywood. Make the cheese made a plane. That's what I would say. I feel like you would make a bunch of fucking money off of it. And also, it's like no one would die.

Well, the terrorists would die, but... Yeah. Just get them. Just shop them from the fucking court system here. Actors, get actors.

Or actors. I guess no one has to actually die. I don't know. But whatever you want. I like it when people die. That's the thing, especially like if it's

a millionaire, and it's like, oh, this guy is gonna die anyway in the court system so why don't you just pay his family millions of dollars, have him fucking shot on an airplane. I guess we can just recruit them from

Saudi Arabia? Yeah, or just the penal system in the United States of America. People waiting on death row. You want a fun way to die? The what system? Penal system. Alright, okay. Alright, Eddie, what do you got?

I mean, obviously, Monkey Airlines. Get a bunch of monkeys, teach them how to fly airplanes like in Project X, that Matthew Brodrick movie. Yeah, it's a great movie. Yeah, they learn how to fly the airplanes. Do monkeys get to also fly as passengers? Yeah, everyone gets to go. Everyone gets to go on it.

It's great, you know, also like monkeys are, you know, stewardesses, so you put them in little stewardess outfits and stuff, put some lipstick on the monkey, put them down the aisle, pass out some bananas, some lobster. Everybody knows monkeys love lobster. Yeah, we'll have lobster tanks in the windows.

So you get like, the lobsters are just constantly swimming around the airplane. It'll be a nice little feature we have. Play a lot of luau music. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Can we have the monkeys randomly throw live lobsters at people? You're not going to be able to control them. Just give them a bucket of them. I'm sure they'll figure it out.

It's going to happen, but you're not going to be able to set your watch by it. Lots of weed. Lots of weed. We got monkey smoking weed. Monkey's taking pills. Oh, man. Monkey smoking weed sounds great. Sounds like someone's going to get their face ripped off.

I would definitely fly. Yeah, the lobster tank and then the dolphins games. Yeah. We got some dolphins games. All your favorite things on the air. Ed's the only person that wants to fly on this airplane. I know. Monkey Airlines.

Is it a plane shaped like a big banana? Oh, that's aerodynamic because that's perfect. Let me ask you this. Can we do Dolphins games and Texas Tech games? Oh, absolutely. All right, Texas Tech games. All right, so Monkey Airlines. Yeah.

What? But I got two. I have two airlines. I mean, who doesn't want to fly on Monkey Airlines? Yeah, who doesn Airlines. Yeah. What? But I got two. I have two airlines. I mean, who doesn't want to fly a Monkey Airlines? Yeah, who doesn't want to do that? You're going to get stoned as fuck, eat lobsters. They're going to get thrown at your face. The monkey's going to rip your fucking head off.

Yeah, that's the thing. Monkeys kill people. They're cute. Yeah. The pilot's a gorilla because he's in charge. He's in charge. It's so dangerous. And the other airline that we're bringing here is Cheese.

Soul Plane 2. Soul Plane 2. Oh, good fake out. Nice fake out. For sure. Yeah, I thought he was going with Cheese Wings. Oh, my God. That was going to be the worst.

Straight from Wisconsin to Africa ten times a day. Cheese airlines. Come on, everybody. The plane's made of cheese. Milwaukee to Dubai. You've got to eat the toilet to leave the bathroom. You've got to eat your seat. That's how you get it.

Malachi, you missed monkey airways. Yeah, but Dubai don't want to die is definitely the best one. It's pretty good. I don't like either of those. It's kind of like Malachi's idea. No, but Dubai Don't Wanna Die is definitely the best one. It's pretty good. I don't like either of those. It's kind of like Malachi's idea. No, no, no, except better.

I got a bunch of cloned up monkeys serving us lobster and stuff. I don't like Down Northern one, Jackie said. I don't like either of them. Well, fucking that

and Kevin won. You didn't fucking win. Oh, is that it? Those are the two winners? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. Ghosts and monkeys. What else do I want? Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, is that it? Those are the two winners? Yeah, of course. Ghosts and monkeys. What else do I want?

Come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, this is me. Apparently, the studio's haunted. That's Jackie. I'm Ed. Is that why it smells so bad?

Nah, that's just a problem with recording in a basement. Ghost fart in the sewage. Yeah. A ghost with irritable bowel syndrome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shitting everywhere. Holden McNeely was on the show. I'm burping.

He was on the show. Kevin was here. All right, I need a cigarette. I was here. We're done. I was here. Drew, thank you for being here. We're out.

I'm going to pee. I'm going to pee. I am still here. Follow us at roundtableofgentlemen.com. Oh, yeah. Send me pictures of your thighs. rtofgentlemenatwitter.com. Twitter. Twitter, yeah. We're also on Facebook. He's playing. Facebook. I thought Oh, yeah. RT of gentlemen. RT of gentlemen at twitter.com. Twitter.

Twitter, yeah. We're also on Cheese Plane. Facebook. I thought it was close there, Cheese Plane. Thank you, Kevin Chicago.