The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 169: Call Me By My Clown Name

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: Mexico's clowns come out against the assassin that shot a top drug lord, a man converts his fortune to gold and throws it away to keep his wife from taking it in the divorce, and a fast food groper is caught after police follow a trail of curly fries to his door. Joining us today: Rojo Perez!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, you have to start. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Dolphins

suck, God. Four in a row. Alright, well let's not bring your personal. It is personal. I'm fucking sad. My whole life has been like this. Do they show highlights of the Dolphins? No, they don't. There's no highlights.

There is more TV coverage of the animal Dolphins than the Miami Dolphins. People love the animal Dolphins. It's a great animal. They're very intelligent. Yeah, they win. Yeah. I am sick of this. I've been dealing with this

my whole life, Lord. Please, please, please, please. Next five years, give me a Super Bowl. This is sad. This is getting really sad. Somebody came up to me the other day.

I was talking to a young kid and he comes up to me and he's like, when's the last time a dolphin's won the Super Bowl? I'm like, they haven't won since I was dead.

Like, I wasn't even a fucking... It is the saddest existence. I'm so committed to it. When is the last time they won a Super Bowl? 1973, I think it was. Yeah, 1973. But they went undefeated and they won every game.

They won every... They literally won every single game. They won the Super Bowl the year after that. Oh, okay. 72 and 73. You've gone through all the stages of grief in the middle of this prayer. Yeah.

It's like you went through anger, sadness, bargaining. You taught a child how to break a huge adult man. Find a Vontae 2. And then the father and the son are always good.

Amen. All right. Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. All right. So let's go through the names of the people

that are here as we do. Jackie Zabrowski, I'm really happy that I don't care about sports. Yeah, it seems like your life is better. But Ed, you look really good in that dolphin shirt. Fuck yeah, I do. I look great in my dolphin shirt, and they deserve the victory today against the fucking evil patriots. Yeah. They're evil

people. I thought they were a really good team. They're horrible humans! Didn't you listen to the fucking prayer, Jackie? Feel bad for me! Eddie looks like a cake painted green right now. I love it. We've got to tap you, Eddie. Hold on, why do they call it football?

Because they rarely use their feet in the game. Boo! Jesus Christ. It was good to start off with the worst joke. Kevin Barnett, you just ended our podcast. That's great. We were just starting to get this thing off the ground. Ben Kissel here.

We got Rojo Perez in the chuckle hut. Thanks for being here, Rojo Perez. More people know about the Dolphins from Ace Ventura than they were good. That's a fact. Phenomenal film. It's a really good movie, though. Damarino, perfect. Nails it.

Just like he did most of his career. Finkel is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel. I didn't understand that that was the chick's cock and balls in the back of her panties for the longest time. My father told me immediately. Yeah, oh, that's great. No one told me. I didn't understand why everyone was laughing.

It's a stick. It's a stick. Yeah. Anyway. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Fresh off the newswire, Ben Kissel, my father, took a DNA test. No one knows who my opah's father is. Turns out we're Jewish.

I'm a Jew. So hail Moses. Wow. I can't believe this. Is this real? Yeah, my dad just sent me an email. His Nazi grandfather I'm a Jew. So hail Moses. I can't believe this. Is this real? Yeah, my dad just sent me an email being like, His Nazi grandfather

was born a Jew. My opah was adopted so they never knew and we always suspected he was Jewish because he hated them for a reason. He's the worst Nazi of them all.

Or the greatest. No, he saved all. Maybe he was a hero. I'm going to redo his history all the time in my head. He was a Nazi. He was a Jew who infiltrated the Nazis and took them out from the inside. He died a free man, and that's a sin on humanity. He's Jewish.

He's the only one that's actually allowed to do that. So does that mean when y'all went back to Germany to burn the documents that made him implicit in Nazi war crimes, y'all went back to Germany to burn the documents that made him implicit in Nazi war crimes? Were you really burning documents that made him implicit in helping the Jews,

making your family anti-Semites? No. What? No. None of that. That is a hell of an indictment made by Marcus. What happened?

I'm Jewish. You went together, Marcus. Thank you. I expect my fucking... I was always surprised. I was expecting you to fuck up that sentence at some point.

I just fucked up mine and I had way less important shit to say well I'm expecting my my email from Rob Reiner at any moment so Rob I hope you hear this I am Jewish

I'm one of you alright congratulations thank you don't fucking no more Nazi shit I've never done Nazi stuff what's your first course of action

as a Jew? I'm gonna start I don't Oh my Let's go get a nosh A latke Heil Yeah

Definitely I'm gonna take over Let's go through the motion That's what I'm gonna do Let's do it man Let's become Jewish Heil Jews You like big bosomy

Sort of dark haired women I know This is gonna help me This is very Like it makes sense now It really does I love Jewish women They're gorgeous And me. This is very, like it makes sense now. I love Jewish women. They're gorgeous and I'm going to have

to marry one now to complete the cycle and I'm going to have Jewish children and we're going to have a wonderful life. We should go through, we should get bar mitzvahed.

We should do the whole thing. I'm doing it. I'm going to have, if they have force, it'll be great. Our bar mitzvah will be the coolest party ever. Oh, it's going to be wonderful.

Can you sing the thing though? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I sing the thing? Can you sing the thing? I can now. I don't know what happened. And now when the people have the orange and the random leafs that they have and they ask you if you're Jewish, I'm going to say yes.

I get the fucking donut. I'm going to put on 30 pounds. I just can't wait to watch you being raised up in a chair at your wedding. Oh my yeah. Oh, my God. I would have to look to the short line of volunteers for that one. Oh, yeah. It's just you, Eddie.

You're the only one. We've got to get you real drunk. You've got to get that drunk strength. I'll probably fall and die. I'll have a Christopher Reeves-like life paralyzed, which is also kind of a dream. We'll have to get a special chair with extra handles. Hydraulics and shit like that. It'll be perfect. Oh, my God. You would be such a horrible person to take have to get a special chair with extra handles. Hydraulics and shit like that. It'll be perfect.

Oh my God, you would be such a horrible person to take care of if you were a paraplegic. It's going to be rough for a lot of people. Some living the life. I love being a Jew. All right, Marcus, you got some news stories. We have an update from a story last week. Oh, good.

Leaders of clowns gathered for a convention in Mexico City said Wednesday they are saddened that a killer disguised himself as a clown to kill a drug lord last week. Oh, yeah. And they insisted no true member of their profession would have committed the crime. Oh. I don't buy that for a fucking second, you lying-ass clown. What are you dressing up as to murder somebody? I'm a clown.

A turkey. Yeah, a clown is a great person to dress up as. That's what you dress up as. You would go as a turkey. Yeah, man. The turkey did it. He'd go, whoa, whoa, whoa. God, what a bitch.

I just stabbed her. Yeah. That's terrifying. That's horrifying. Someone get that turkey in an oven. As a Jew, I'm sensitive to those jokes. I didn't like it. Are you offended, then?

I am now offended. I'm going to get unjustified. It hurts, doesn't it? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. My people. You suffered a long time in the hands of my other people. I'm real conflicted.

I got a real Gaza strip going on in my mind. Is your Oma... She's German, though. She's German, yeah. She was fucking a Jew this whole time, that Nazi-loving bitch. I love it. She's already dead, though, right? No, she's 91.

She's about to go. Oh, man. So you can tell her. I'm going to send her a message, yeah. The whole time. Did they tell her they're going to keep it a secret from her? I'm not sure how she would react. You don't think she knew?

I have no idea. There's no way to know. Yeah, because he was adopted. Adoption back. I mean, my grandpa died in 86 in 2005. You don't think she knew? I have no, because no, there's no way to know. Yeah, he was an adoption, I mean, my grandpa died in 86, in like 2005, I mean,

hell, so yeah, they didn't have any records or anything like that and whatever records there were, we fucking shredded the shit out of those, so. So that actually happened,

so you guys shredded. Yeah, we went there, when he died, it was just three days of me just like, eating Nutella and shredding documents.

Isn't that, make you implicit in like a crime? Isn't that? He was so weird. Shut up. No, I'm fine. I have no idea what it said. I don't know.

You didn't steal any of those papers? No. I can't read German. You're the perfect man for the job. Exactly. Give the fatty perfect man for the job. Exactly. Give the fatty a tub of Nutella. He won't ask any questions. He'll be another tub of all these who are shredded in an hour.

Oh, okay. All right. I'll do it. All right. Let's just delete a little history, shall we? Oh, a what? Yeah. Beautiful, man.

It's fine. Ben Kissel, war crime cover-up. Payment, Nutella. Kisselgate. Can't have any more Kisselgates. I'm done with it. Too many. Yeah, you got a lot of gates attached to your name.

I got some scandals going on. This is possibly the most scandalous, though. Very interesting. I like that. Well, convicted drug trafficker Francisco Rafael Arellano Felix was shot to death Friday in the Baja Beach resort of Los Cabos by a gunman wearing a clown costume, including a wig and a rubber nose. Clown leader Tomas Morales, a 21-year veteran of the trade who goes by the stage name Payaso Yantom. I love him. What does that mean, Rahom?

Oh, what does that mean? i saw them growing up no shit no you don't know any other hispanic people yeah you're a great actor, man. Why do Hispanic people love the clowns so much? I don't know, but it is. I love it. They do all sorts of tricks. Yeah, it's great.

They're magical. I agree with them. I used to hate them. Now I'm like, I love them now. Yeah, I love clowns. I'm all over the clowns. Especially since they started killing. Yeah.

It's fucking great. Yep. Well, Tomas Morales said that he was certain the killer was not a professional clown. He said clowns in Mexico, especially in outlying states, know each other and their costumes and makeup, and makeup is individualized and recognizable. Wow. So everyone has their own style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay. This is very interesting. This is sort of like the luchadors. The Mexicans love the luchadors as well with the masks and things. Rojo? Rojo? Wait, is that right?

This just sounds more like they're looking out for the drug traffickers. They're scared. Yeah. Every clown is like, we're fucked now. Yeah, because he's going to come and start killing us.

Yeah, every clown. Oh, terrifying're fucked now. Yeah, because he's going to come and start killing us. Yeah, every clown. Oh, terrifying. This Mexican guy at my work this week told me that he grew up with a guy. He was his friend. He told me he was his friend and that when he killed people, he would drink their blood to scare everyone else in the town. What about just killing the guy? That's kind of scary in itself.

Not in Mexico. That's terrifying. In Mexico, that's run of the mill. Yeah, I was just thinking, he was your friend? He's like, oh yeah, yeah. Better than being his fucking enemy. Yeah. You always see a friend in that guy.

That's just an excuse to drink some delicious, delicious human blood. Yeah, that's true. Hell yeah. You ever drink a penny? I'm sure you haven't. But you can when you drink blood. It tastes just like it, dude. I love sucking on my, I love, you know, you get a cut and you're just sucking it down.

You're a freak. What? Holding used to dress up as a vampire and chase cars as a child. That's actually true. He's got 15 quarters in his mouth right now.

Yeah. Interesting. Wow, cool. Not to ejaculate. Roll roll. I think you're right about clowns being fucking terrified

because Morales is taking a hard line on this. Stop calling him Morales. Call him by his clown name. Stop calling him by his professional name. His professional name. So Payaso. Call me by my clown name.

Said Payaso, the people who do that, they're not clowns. I can swear on my mother's grave it wasn't a clown. We are not like that. We are non-violent. Another one,

Buffon Marley. That's his clown name, by the way. His real name is Alberto Villanueva. He dresses a bit like a medieval jester. He said of the killer, It's sad that it has fallen to this level. I don't think it has anything to do with us. We do the complete opposite.

I don't think it will hurt our profession and our communities because people know us. They love those clowns. There are celebrities over there. It would be great to open up a door and just see a room of like love those clowns. There's celebrities over there. It would be great to open up a door and just see a room of like 20 dead clowns. There must be. They're probably already raining terror

on clowndom down there, right? They have to be. It's tough to be a clown. Yeah, it's very tough. Here's something else that Payaso said. We clowns suffer robberies. The criminals have stolen our vehicles, our costumes, our sound equipment, our makeup.

And with these same tools we use to work, they use them to commit robberies. Be on the lookout for the world's tiniest car. It was just recently stolen from a piazza of the climate. All of a sudden, there's like 40 robbers in a car. They all get out of it. God damn it, those clown cars got to stop being used for these bank robberies. Oh no, it's been used for evil. I know, it's just like

When you said that clowns Are the complete opposite Of killing people Clowns make me laugh man Cause then I just imagine A room full of clowns Like delivering a baby And it was beautiful

I just started cracking up It never stops being funny Thank you a lot Well an estimated 500 clowns From around Mexico And the rest of Latin America gathered Wednesday at the International Clown Meeting and held a 15-minute laugh-a-thon

to demonstrate their opposition to the generalized violence that prevails in our country. 15 minutes? That must have been frightening. Oh my god, yeah. The fact that there is an International Clown Committee. That's crazy. Anybody else? Am I right?

So yeah, they laughed for 15 minutes straight. 500 clowns laughing for 15 minutes straight. Oh, that would be a great joke. That would be a good one. Do you prompt that with the joke, or do you just find a stoppage? God, I hope there's a video. Oh, I would love to watch that video.

Fuck, man. Eat some acid, watch that video. Go there. Oh, imagine that on an acid trip. That sounds... 15,000 clowns

fucking... Oh, their face paint is dripping off their fucking skin. Clowns passing out. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and pass out. Mexico, it's hot.

It sounds awful. All the water is dirty down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's trickling. They're just talking about Mexico now. That's why they're passing out. They're not hydrated. That's right.

Well, Villanueva said, as hard as it might sound to be a clown in a country so riven by crime and violence, the laughing came naturally. He said, we laugh at the very things that hurt us. It is a very special, very Mexican humor. I mean, it sounds sadistic and disgusting.

You're laughing at a series of people getting murdered on a daily basis, right? That's what we do. Yeah, yeah. No, we're great at it. But we accept that we're sadistic. Yeah, that is true. And we don't dress up as clowns when we do it,

but we should start. That's fucking awesome. It's just us in here. Why would we dress like clowns? I don't know. Haven't you ever done something just for you? Jerk off. It's never ended in murder.

You should just go to sleep. Or go to work. That's my Jewish thoughts, you know. Go back to your shift at work because you did it in the bathroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Trying to figure out how to say that. I am off today, so do not give me any more things to talk about. Did you smoke a lot of weed today, Holden?

Yes, absolutely, I did. How much weed did you take to your fucking noodle? Ed came over, surprised us with a bowl of weed smoke. Oh, okay. It was just you. You're the only one there. Holden has friends. the bowl of weed smoke. Oh, okay. It was just you. You were the only one there. Yeah. Holden has friends.

He has friends. You didn't see all the friends that were with us? All my fun friends? Oh, yeah, that's right. They were there. Ronald and Carter. He's doing good.

He's just getting over his AIDS. And Richard. Your imaginary friend has AIDS? Yeah. Why'd you give him AIDS? Make him fly or something. He came in. He said he had it.

That is the exact reason you have no friends. Your imaginary friend has AIDS? It was fun. I drank a cup of his saliva to see if it would be transmitted that way. Nothing, right? No, I have it. Oh, you've got AIDS. Yeah, so I'm trying to get over that right now.

It is tough. The Birds for Kevin's fund and now we have to have the Holden Has AIDS fund. Yeah, absolutely. Where do they contact us, Marcus? Cavecompanyradio at gmail.com. Okay, cool.

How much money do we get for Birds for Kevin? Five bucks. Oh, wow. What kind of bird do you want for five bucks? Dude, you can honestly get a parakeet at the flea market

for five dollars. All right, well, there you go. No. A parakeet? Indeed. Well, we got the promise of $5. Okay. Well, yeah, I mean...

Fuck that. She'll send it in. She'll send it in. Allison Yates. Thank you, Allison. Given to you by a beautiful lady, Kevin. How's it look? We're trying to raise money to get Kevin African Gray.

He loves his neighbor. Look how happy he gets. Yeah, we talked about it. It's true. It's expensive. Man, it is expensive. It was like... $1,500. Yeah. $ go for? Man, it is expensive. $1,500.

We got five bucks. At a store? Yeah, well, I mean, you can buy them online. Yeah, we can catch one. You can get them on the black market. There's a huge black market exotic pets trade. I'm for that, man. Is that why it's called an African gray, Marcus?

I see where you're going. Black market. Think about it. Think about it, yeah. Did you remember when Hurricane Andrew came through and ripped down fucking Parrot Jungle and all the parrots went loose? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Monkey Jungle, too, and all the monkeys went loose. Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, you guys had a Monkey Jungle, too? We had a Monkey Jungle in, like, a beach town, the beach town we grew up in. I want to go back! So did they catch them all? What a great day to be a monkey. No, the monkeys went free. A bunch of animals went free.

The tiger. This was in Florida? The Bengal tiger went free. Really? And he killed like three people. Oh, wow. Yeah. He murdered some guy in a convertible, I think, while he was stuck in traffic.

Fuck yeah. That's the guy you kill. Oh, my. Yeah. Oh, my. How did Ronnie die? Yeah, a tiger ate him out of his convertible. Kind of real bizarre.

That's amazing. So for the longest time in Florida, there was just like monkeys running all around in Perkin. Perkin and Andrew fuck shit up. Oh, that's so fun. Because isn't it like there's just monkeys just hanging out in the Everglades and shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

They just pose up. Wow. That's amazing. And they let all the monkeys loose when they filmed Tarzan forever ago. So in Davy, in this one little part of Davy, there's just monkeys there. Really? Yeah. And they don't attack the people or anything?

No, they're little tiny monkeys. They're like pigeons. Yeah, like spring monkeys. Oh, man, I wish New York City just had some monkeys. It would be nice. What do we got? We have rats and pigeons. I don't mind pigeons.

We don't need monkeys. I would love a couple of monkeys. I mean, they're fun. Raccoons? We saw a raccoon. We do have raccoons. Raccoons are great. I know they're massive. We saw a big-ass raccoon. We ran around. Super excited. Were you there, they're fun. Raccoons? We saw a raccoon. We do have raccoons. Yeah, I know they're massive.

We saw a big-ass raccoon. We ran around. Super excited. Were you there, Marcus? Yeah, Marcus and I were hunting it down with our camera phones. Yeah, we were watching fucking Curse of Chucky, one of the worst goddamn movies I've ever seen in my life. Oh, my God, that movie.

That was the worst. Shit pile movie. Fuck that movie. So sad. Jackie, you look upset. They have raccoons in Central Park. You're adorable. It's the cutest thing you've ever said.

Yeah, for about three seconds, Jackie became a girl. The little homeless girl, Curly Sue. Raccoons in Central Park. Let's go to New York City. Can I sing a song for you? All right, Marcus, what do you got, buddy? Police in central Pennsylvania say they found a suspected groper of a fast food worker by following a trail of curly fries. At least he got the best thing there, though, man.

He must have been hard at work, man. He couldn't even hold on to his fucking food. Yeah. It started when a female employee at an Arby's in East Lampeter Township. Love Arby's. Love Arby's. Love Arby's. Arby's is great.

I was just talking about Lampeter. Oh, Lampeter? You know Lampeter? No, it's just a shitty name. Oh, it's a horrible name. She called police Wednesday night saying she was groped by a man as she handed over his order

at the drive-thru window. The employee gave police a description of the car which was found outside a motel less than a mile away. Authorities said they spotted a trail of Arby's curly fries and sauce from the vehicle to the room of 36-year-old James Cowan. From the vehicle? Was he eating one and throwing one out the window?

He was putting that on the free-throw. From his car? He's just throwing them at his face and trying to cut you in his mouth. And they're going out the window and they're like, oh yeah, I've been grabbing asses all day. He's a classy guy. Yeah, he's like just making it rain in the streets, man. Like this meal was $7, but them titties was free.

Classy guy. Curly fries for everybody. Their curly fry is a classier fry. That's what a lot of people think. This guy's a gentleman. Oh, yeah. Well, the trail of curly fries was from the car to the motel room. Okay.

They had the description of the car. They found the car at the motel. So there was a trail of curly fries and sauce. So he cracked open the sauce while walking to his hotel room. While walking to his hotel room and apparently dropped a lot of curly fries. A number of curly fries. Enough for police

to find a trail from the car door to the hotel room. To the room. To the room. I got my barbecue sauce. I go, oh, look,

there's an ass. I'm going to grab that ass. Oh, shit, I dropped some fries. I'm going to get all the sauce on me. I'm going to grab some titties. Oh, man, I dropped all my fries. Whoever's dropping so many curly fries,

even if you can't convict him of this, he's done something. Oh, yeah. There has to be. It's like he's also clearly just a man of impulse. He has no control over how many flies he's going to drop. He grabbed those titties in the drive-thru. He had very little time to decide, and he was going to grab those titties.

It's amazing. You see those people for 30 seconds at a time. He's like, oh, oh, oh. How close are you to this drive-thru? You can grab a titty from a drive-thru. If you're in a big truck. I guess so, yeah. Was he in a big truck?

Some real big titties? It doesn't say what he was driving. I mean, she must have had amazing tits for him to just be like, I must grab those immediately. I'm going to go ahead and say, though, this guy probably has abnormally large fingers or hands. Because if he's able to, A, grab a titty, and B, not be able to properly handle his curly fries. He's the victim. Claw things. That's good detective work.

Did he take the food first, or did he grab the titty first? I mean, what happened? Oh, yeah. I mean, what's the order of events? You got two hands. Oh, yeah. So you grab one, you switch out, and then she's like, oh, here's your boom. And what just happened?

I'm out. She was groped by the man as she handed over his order. So she probably leaned out of the window. He probably did the undergrab. When she leans over, the titties hang down a little bit. You just do a little undergrab like that. Feel it, feel it, feel it. This man had the greatest consumer transaction I've ever heard.

He got curly fries, probably a big Arby burger, and he fucking touched a titty. I just can't believe she reported it. I feel like I wouldn't report it if I was at a drive-thru in Arby's. Yeah, I just feel like, what? I guess she kind of just kind of You already got me. Yeah, you got me. All of the day's work. It's pretty invasive. It's pretty intrusive to touch somebody's titty, but I mean

at the same time, it's just like, you're a chick. You touch your titties every day. Wouldn't you just sort of be like, alright, I guess he really wanted to touch my weird fucking tits. I guess it's okay. Would there be like a man attractive enough to do that and you would be like, you'd dig it or wouldn't at least be pissed? I just don't think I would create such a hullabaloo about it. It is a hullabaloo, isn't it? It would make me feel good about myself.

It's like, yeah, my titties were good enough to grab while I was leaning out of the drive-thru. If you're wearing an Army's uniform, you're not even done up. And it's people like you is the exact reason why things like this happen. He's like, well, she's probably not going to make a big hullabaloo. I've done this to multiple girls.

They make very little hullabaloo. So it'll be fun. At least the last three didn't. I'm sure she'll feel great about herself after this. I'm doing her a favor. Yeah. No one's grabbing at my titties. Yeah.

Harvey's just lost a customer. That wasn't an open invitation. I just feel like every roundtable live we do now, you're just going to get a bunch of handfuls of your titties, man. Yeah, handfuls. I got gobs. Jackie Zebrowski. Live we do now. You're just going to get a bunch of handfuls of your titties, man. Yeah, handfuls. I got gobs. Jackie Zabrowski, they always said she got gobs of titty. God, that's the least attractive word I've ever heard for a thing that makes me cum.

Holy Christ. Gobs of titty. I don't know. Dugs is pretty terrible. What's that? Dugs. That's a medieval name for titties. Dugs?

Dugs, yeah. You got a nice set of dugs? Yeah. I don't mind dugs. You don't mind it? Better than gobs. What do that? Dugs. That's a medieval name for titties. Dugs? Dugs, yeah. You got a nice set of Dugs? Yeah. I don't mind Dugs. You don't mind it? Better than gobs. What do you think, Kevin? Dugs? Dugs. I don't know, man. It makes me think of Doug. Yeah, Jack the Portoon's name is another word for titties. It's D-U-G-G. Dugs. Oh, yeah. Double G's.

I see where that term comes from, because you kind of dig your face in them, Dugs. I mean, I can see it. Also, Jugs, too, right? Yeah, jugs and dugs. Glogs. Glogs. Glog titties. Livers.

What is a glog titty? Just a big kind of long titty? Yeah, exactly. It's like a glogular titty. A glog, yeah, yeah. It's got a bunch of slimy green goop coming off of it. Oh, cool. I love glog titties.

It's probably like a cloddy titty. A cloddy titty, yeah. You've got to go to the doctor if you have a Clotty titty. Definitely. Oh, my goodness. Clotty. I just wonder. So this guy was just eating his sandwich, probably in his underwear at this point, in

his hotel room, and this autistic detective found him probably eating all the French fries on the way to the goddamn door. Simplest day ever to be a detective over there in, what was it, what's the name of this town? Larby Bump. Larby Bump? Yeah, I think it's Larby Bump. He probably went up to the guy,

he's like, he's like, did you grab that girl's tit? He's just like, oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you saw that? Yeah.

All right, that's fine. You're pretty good. Thanks for all the fries, by the way. You had a drug ball on the floor there. That was called Lampeter. Lampere.

Yeah. Not a lot to do in that town. Yeah, they found, because they found them night of, though, right the way. You had to drop them all on the floor there. That was called Lampeter. Lampere. Yeah. Not a lot to do in that town. Yeah, because they found them night of, though, right? Yeah. That has to be day of, because the trail of... I mean, he's a tourist. You know, he's just staying in a hotel. He was from Georgia. He was from Georgia. Yeah, yeah.

He was staying in the hotel in Pennsylvania. He could have just been on a road trip, and he figures he's going to be out of there the next day, so might as well do it. There may be a string of titty grabs going from georgia up to pennsylvania and god knows how long that line of curly fries is you know goes through the entire country uh good for this guy either way i guess what what do you do you go to jail for that yeah you go to jail for that. For grabbing a titty? You get a, he is charged with a single count of indecent assault.

Because you only grabbed one titty. That's the deal. I feel like the only way I would report it is that if that money went directly to the girl, I feel like that's

how it should be. It's like, okay, you grabbed my titty, well now you have to pay this fine to me of $2,000. Yeah, that's too great. Is that bad?

So you would go to jail with him. No, that's not prostitution? I thought you would go to jail. No. No, that's not prostitution because she didn't want him to, but now he just has to pay the fine later. The people's court. I'm talking about the people's court. Yeah, take him to the people's court.

Judge Judy, she'll have your side. She would. Definitely. I'll tell you what, man. These NFL players are getting fined like $10,000 for wearing the wrong wristbands. Yep. You know, this guy's out grabbing titties. He's, you know, nothing. What did he get? $2,000 wearing the wrong wristbands. Yep. You know, someone's out, this guy's out grabbing titties.

He's, you know, nothing. What did he get? $2,500 fine? I think that's a little steep. I think that's accurate. I think $2,500 to touch a titty like that

in a drive-thru, sure. That better be a fucking perfect titty. Yeah, that's a lot of fucking money. I have never, ever seen an attractive woman

working in a fast food restaurant. I've seen a few. I've seen a few. Yeah, but young. Yeah, they're young. Yeah. Yeah, when you go outside of New York

there's like... Everybody was like, yeah! Yeah! Too young to know better! Yeah! But yeah, there's a lot of like... Keep me out of those places. Once you leave New York, there's like young, attractive people

running gas stations and fast food joints and stuff like that. I guess so. I don't know. It's monstrous people running those places here, but, you know. Depends. I feel like it's pretty big. I've seen some hot ones here. Really?

Yeah. I've never seen that. What fast food are you doing? The Taco Bell in Union Square, actually. The Taco Bell in Union Square, there's an Indian chick that works there that's really, really hot. Yeah. Okay. Shout out to her.

That's it. I have no idea. I should go talk to her. Tell you what. I have no idea. I should go talk to her. Tell you what, if you listen. Go grab her tit. Go grab her titty and see if she reports you. If you don't, if she doesn't, then it's love. Yeah.

Chick-fil-A has really hot people at their work. What? Oh, yeah? Chick-fil-A? Yeah. And they're very homophobic, so I'm sure the girls would love if a man touched their titties and stuff like that.

Well, yeah, and they're very good to their employees. Like, unfortunately, I still eat there. Oh, are they good to their employees? Yeah, they are. Oh, yeah, no, don't bring politics into your chicken. Who gives a fuck? like, unfortunately. I still eat there. Oh, are they good to their employees? Yeah, they are. Oh, yeah, no, don't bring politics into your chicken. Who gives a fuck? No, no, I still eat the fucking chicken. Yeah.

Yeah, it's delicious. They stopped that shit anyways. Did they? Yeah, they stopped it. It's okay. Okay, so now I can eat there publicly again? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can eat there publicly. Yeah, that whole thing was ridiculous.

Of course the owner of Chick-fil-A is a fucking homophobe. He runs a goddamn shitty chicken shade. It's a Christian organization. Yeah. It's not fucking shocking news. Marcus, what's going on, buddy? What's happening, Marcus? Marcus has gone into a law hole.

Yeah, what happened to you? No, I've been trying to figure out what the charge is for indecent assault in Pennsylvania, and it looks like it's a second-degree misdemeanor. What's a decent assault, by the way? Do you think it's decent? You buy her a drink first. Oh, you buy her a drink. It's a decent assault, by the way? Do you think it's decent? You buy her a drink first. Oh, you buy her a drink. It's a decent assault, so

that's fine. I bought her fucking something. You know what, I'll have two order of curly fries, but you keep one. It looks like that it's a summary offense of a misdemeanor in the second degree, a fine of $100 or imprisonment

not exceeding 20 days. 20 days or $100? Not exceeding. I'm sure he wouldn't go away for 20 days. Probably be like five days. I would have to go to jail for 20 days. I don't have $500. Oh, no, no, no.

I take that back. Oh, $100. A misdemeanor. That's just for a summary offense of a second degree. That's like a speeding ticket. For a misdemeanor of the second degree, the fine is not less than $500 nor more than $5,000 or imprisonment not exceeding two years or both. Two years?

Not exceeding two years. Yeah, but damn. A lot goes under second degree misdemeanor. Well, yeah, sure. I'm sure if this guy, it's like, I'm sure that only applies to people who are like a town problem. Yeah. And they're like, put his ass away for two years.

This seems like something like you bring him a court and you're like, okay, if you say sorry, we'll let you go. Like, I bet you there's a judge

out there, if he goes to like a lady judge who has a history of like sexual, you know, assault cases, she'll give him two years and then he just,

for touching a titty, you know, just like really for touching a titty. Somehow he became the victim in this. I think, honestly,

if he got sentenced to two years in prison, I would say he became the victim. This is a man who knows what he wants. Yeah. Two years for touching a titty. Fries and tits. Fries, that's it. It's a good life. Well, he'd probably never do it again.

Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. Maybe he'll just never get curly fries again. He'd showboat him in the parking lot. He thinks he's a little cocky. He's blaming curly fries for all this. He's like,

those motherfucking curly fries are too hard to hold on to. I'm only getting regular fries from now on. If he goes away for two years, all they've done is created a super villain. He's like,

get out and just go on a rampage grabbing every titty in town. Jesus Christ. This fucking guy. All right, Marcus. Let him free. There you go. You got it for that. He's not. All right, Marcus. Let him free. All right, there you go. You got it for that.

He's certainly the worst human. Let that man free. He's not the worst human being we've ever talked about on this show, right? No. The woman in the next story might be. The cruelty one woman allegedly showed to her own son is enough to be its own Halloween horror tale. Uh-oh. Authorities have charged Jennifer Marie Vargas, 34, a civilian living on a military base

in San Antonio, with assault after she allegedly attempted to pull off her six-year-old child's genital... Oh, yeah. Genitals while angry at him. I couldn't even say it. Yeah, he's so stressed out.

She allegedly attempted to pull off her six-year-old child's genitals while angry at him, then tried to reattach them with super glue. So she did pull them off. She did pull them off. Six-year-olds don't have nuts.

How do you even get to them? They have a divvy of nuts. Yeah, they have nuts and they're all inside. No, no, no. They're just up. Yeah. They're just tied up. So she had to go digging for them then?

No, they're there. You can get them. According to a criminal affidavit. I don't feel my nuts drop. I don't think I have proper nuts. I don't know what happened. Well, after becoming angry at the boy, she grabbed his scrotum as hard as she could, thereby

ripping his sack and causing a laceration. The document continued that she applied the super glue, chemically known as a sero-anodine. I'm not going to read that. We know it's super glue. What do you mean? Why would they put that in the fucking story? I don't know. That's not the right part of the story. She then stuffed the boy's underwear with paper towels and ordered him to bed,

and she sought no medical attention for him. Oh, my God. And when the kid's dad arrived at home, he found his son in a bedroom crying and discovered damaged tissue in the boy's underwear and severe injury to his scrotum. And then he beat the mother to death? Yeah, he went to Arby's. I wonder what the kid did.

I mean, something, I guess, bad enough to... If you want to calm a kid down, I guess you'd fucking go for the nuts. How are you even... I don't... I'm just saying the mother obviously wanted to fucking send a message to the kid. She sent a message. You literally walked Jackie. I don't know. No, I. She sent a message. You walked Jackie? I don't know.

How do you walk Jackie? I'm just saying, going for a dude's nuts, that's a way to beat a dude. But he walked, and it's a kid. I know it's a kid. Yeah, you're so wrong. No, I'm not saying that she's right. I'm just saying. I mean, she definitely.

So this guy. No, you keep trying to make it. I'm just saying. No, she did what she wanted to do. All right, give her the best case for. I don't even know what you're arguing for. I'm just saying. I mean, going for trying to make it. I don't know. She did what she wanted to do. All right, give her the best case for... I don't even know what you're arguing for. I'm just saying. I mean, going for a dude's nuts.

You're going for a... I mean, that's how you beat a man, I guess. Dude, it's a six-year-old child. I know. It's her kid. You guys are being anti-Semitic right now. What? You're being anti-Semitic.

This is because I'm Jewish. Is this a circumcision thing? It's a circumcision thing. Man. Sure. I can't believe the dad didn't knock the shit out of her. How did he not just go over to the other

room and just start beating her? I don't know, man. I think he had to get that kid to the hospital. I mean, maybe he was also evil. He took the kid to the hospital, though? He took the kid to the hospital where doctors said the kid had a 4-centimeter laceration to his scrotum and bruising to his penis. He was medicated and taken into surgery

to repair the damage. Okay. Four centimeters is not huge. I mean, on a kid, four centimeters is a bit much. But he's going to have nuts. He's going to have nuts. He's going to have a dick. Everything's fine.

Okay, great. He's going to have... How big will it be? Or either way. I mean, you can't say you don't think. It doesn't matter. It's called speculation at this point. Yeah, yeah.

So we're all thinking she, there's a way she ripped the whole thing. No, she didn't. It was a four centimeter last ring. Probably her fingernail. She tried to like, yeah, glue it back together.

The weirdest plan of attack I've ever heard on like disciplining a kid, like go for his fucking nuts. You know when she was gluing him shut, he was crying. Oh yeah. And then she fucking looked at him in the eyes and slapped him in the face.

Well, we don't know that, Ed. No, Eddie, no. Eddie, did your mother ever rip your nuts off? I'm deep into this. Yeah, I feel like you have a history of getting abused. I sort of do as well. So that's why you were taking an extra. She never went after my nuts.

She never went after your nuts. Just her head. She never went after my old nuts. Yeah. That's why this woman really, I mean, it's like if you have a boy child, I feel like a dick is disgusting on a child. You know? It's a good feeling to have.

It's a shorty fatty. And, like, if I see a dick and it's not hard, then I'm the one that's the problem. Are we becoming pedophile corner? What is happening? I think that she had a problem. I think it's a further thing inside of her head. And I think this woman needs to be locked away forever. Forever locked away.

So you think that this woman attacked her son because she was uncomfortable with her own sexual feelings towards children? Maybe. All right, it's a point-counterpoint. Kissel, what do you got? Oh, wow. I'm not point-counterpointing this. You're on her side. I'm not on her side.

Give your argument for why she shouldn't be locked up forever. Why would you go after your child's genitals? She's like, rip open his cheek if you want to, you know? Yeah, I mean, the kid's not using it. Rip open his cheek if you want to. And if you are, have your nuts ripped off. We've just placed over what Jackie just said. She said, rip open his cheek if you want.

You know, like a fish hook. That's worse. You're going to make him the Joker. You're going to make him another way to make a supervillain. I would sooner do that to my child than try to rip off his dick. But no one ever wants to do that. Scare him. Scar his face.

No one will know if you get a scarred up nutsack. He's just as ugly as me. Jesus Christ. I don't want to talk about this story anymore, Marcus. No more dick stories or children. Jesus Christ. Alright, I got something light-hearted.

Really light-hearted? Is it about food? It's not about food, it's about beer. That's food for me. A man who walks with a cane was not injured when he ran into a burning house to recover beer he left inside the house. This is a nice story.

Okay. Officials are investigating the cause of the fire. Residents of the home say they believe the fire was caused by a water heater. Truck idiot. Six adults and two young children were inside watching TV when the room began filling with smoke. After the children were rescued and everyone made it out safely, Walter Serpitt, he told

WVTM television that he went back inside to retrieve his beer. He said he went back inside, quote, like a dummy, and the door shut behind him. He said he was able to escape without being burned and managed to save several cans of beer. What a hero! This guy

needs some sort of round table award. He just wrote the best Bud Light commercial. Exactly! Whatever beer brand he stole, he needs to be the face of that organization. And he had a cane as well. Brilliant! You know there's a hamster that went up.

Oh yeah. You can't get them all. Chewy the hamster is dead. It's sad. Rest in peace. This is in Columbus, Georgia. Okay. Nice Georgia guy.

Running into a burning building. What would you have to run into a burning building to get? Maybe like my Nightmare on Elm Street box set. Snake. My mother's shoes. God, ruin the conversation again. And a special little pear. Raging alcoholic,

though, this guy, huh? Well, it was probably his last few cans of beer. If you had a bunch of weed at your house, that's very dangerous. Well, you just couldn't imagine looking at a fire and not drinking during it. It's beautiful, yeah. The boy was in there, he was like, should I bring the marshmallows? That's the best thing.

That is kind of true, man. My place goes up in flames. I'm getting loaded. That's my shit. I'm watching it burn. Oh, you just imagine him in a bathrobe, just cracking a brew with a fire in the sky. Don't put it out!

Wait until it burns the basement. My ex-wife loved the basement. What is it about drinking and staring at a fire that's so satisfying?

God damn, it's amazing. It's so great. Yeah, we're all just fucking awesome. My house burned down when I was a kid.

I think we talked about that before. Oh yeah, that's right. But I was too young, man. I hadn't discovered alcohol,

so I was just sad. How think we talked about that before. Oh, yeah. That's right. But I was too young, man. I hadn't discovered alcohol. So I was just sad. Yeah. How old were you? Probably like 11. Lost all your shit? Oh, yeah. All your toys and everything? What was the saddest thing?

What was the saddest thing to lose in that car? Oh, like a melting Batman toy. That would be sad. Yeah. My fucking Nintendo was gone. Oh! Oh, I had so many games. I had like 50 games.

All gone. TV. And Claudette did not replace any of those games. No, no, no. She did not. Yeah. Did you guys show up and the house was burnt already? Like down?

Or you saw it go down? Well, it was like everything inside was burnt and the outside. The flames were still going. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What was it? Christmas tree lights? The firemen had already put it out. Okay, so they had to put it out.

Okay. What caused the fire? The washing machine blew up. Oh, wow. That's crazy. That'll put it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What caused the fire? Washing machine blew up. Oh, wow. That's crazy. That'll happen. Crazy shit. That's fucking insane.

That actually happened to another friend of mine. This girl used to ride the bus with me. Same shit. Her washing machine blew up and burned down her house.

What? That company needs to stop making washing machines. Was it GE? It was a different company because this is when I lived in Miami and

then the thing that happened to the girl was when I lived in Palm Beach. I've never heard of a washing machine exploding. What's that, Jackie? Jackie's going after GE.

I said that! General Electric! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that!

I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said that! I said Oh, man, we don't want none of General Electric. Yeah, we'll fuck them up. Don't you see Promised Land? No, I never saw it. We'll never get a show on NBC. God damn it.

Is it that or the little conversation we had about the scrotum that's not going to get us the show on NBC? Yeah, people need to know. The show's real funny, but when you started talking about GE, I got to say I got kind of upset. Yeah, yeah. Kind of offensive there, don't you think, guys? Ripping his fucking balls off. There's a hero in our conversation here. What's this guy's full name? His full name is, let me see here.

Walter Serpent. Serpent. How are you drinking your beers? I'm Serpent it. Serpent it. Serpent it. That's it. Surfing it. That's great. I bet it was a Blatz or a PBR, some shitty beer.

Oh, yeah. Schaefer. Milwaukee's best. Oh, that's worth going into a burning house for. He's drinking the beast. It's like $4 a beer. That's why he ran in there. That's brilliant.

I love this fucking guy. I love that he saved his entire family and got his beer. And he got his beer last, as you should. Yes. As you absolutely should. We don't know if he saved the family, though. No, we do. They made it out.

They made it out. That is true. He took them out. That is true. He probably started the fire. I'm sure he started the fire. There's no doubt that he started the fire. Hey, kids, watch how this lights up real quick. Yeah. You know what's funny? the fire. I'm sure he started the fire. There's no doubt that he started the fire.

Watch how this lights up real quick. You know what's funny? Watching curtains burn. This is great. You all watch your American Idol. I'm watching these curtains burn. You guys are dumb as fuck. Oh no, everyone needs to get out of the house. Get out of the house. Curtains burn the house.

Walter, turn off that washing machine. I got it. Dad, you're such a dummy. I don't even want to be a serpent anymore. I do. It's the snake in the corner. Oh. I got another fun story with another fun guy.

All right. Yeah. Did he rip anybody's fucking kicking balls off of him? Yeah. Earl Ray Jones, he says that he converted $500,000 in life savings into gold in May and then threw it away, all to prevent his wife of 25 years from seeing a nickel in their pending divorce. Hell yeah.

I like it. I like it. Yeah. The former... Fuck his wife. That's one of my... This is one of my favorite names of all time, Earl Ray Jones. He could be a civil rights activist, or he could be a... Or he could be the guy that shot Martin Luther King Jr.

Or he could be an assassin at a prison. Like, this guy could really be anything. Earl Ray Jones. That's a good name, man. Oh, man. The 52-year-old former defense contractor huffed. Damn right I did. Oh, yeah.

That is the coolest dude. Fuck yeah. Yo, I imagine he was wearing sunglasses and a leather jacket when he said that. Well, actually, I got a picture of him. He is... No, wait. That's not him. Never mind.

That's just a trash man. Yeah, that's just a trash man who's looking in the garbage for apparently $500,000 in gold. Oh he straight up threw it in the garbage. Literally threw it in the garbage. I bet he buried it somewhere.

There's no fucking way. He hates his wife that much. Yeah. He just tossed it away. Men don't care about money. The only reason men have money is to get women and if the woman you got

with the money you fucking turned to hate throw the fucking money away. Get another fucking woman. Buy her on the internet. He's gonna take the money. I mean he's probably not a young man. He doesn't want to see it. It Get another fucking woman. Buy her on the internet. He's going to take the money. I mean he's probably not a young man.

He doesn't want to see it. He's going to see it golden hidden somewhere like put it in the hills. He did convert all of his money to gold. There are receipts that show that he did do this

but he says that he threw it all in the dumpster as soon as he did it. So this would make sure she would be a living like a an actual like living person who would be a gold digger

by definition. She would have she has to go through shit to find gold. Oh, that's great. Guys, he didn't throw the fucking money away, though. Don't you realize?

All he has to say is he threw the money away. He can just bury it somewhere or hide it somewhere. It's not money, it's gold. It's actual gold. Yeah, it's gold. So who gives it?

Yeah, and he can totally just sit on it for years and then fucking spend it later. He didn't fucking throw that money away. How old is Mr. Jones? 52. Okay.

He needs that money for retirement. He is also facing sentencing for menacing after he beat up his wife and held her captive. Natural side note. You can't. You gotta say that earlier. Later on in the story, it was after they fought in March. I know. So what?

We don't love him now. No one likes him. Yo, Marcus. Marcus, honestly, fuck you. Because for a moment, I thought I had a hero. Walter Serpent. That's all we got now. All we got is Walt.

This was in Marcus's good news file. Well, it's hard to get good news for this show. It's a difficult show. It's very difficult to get good news for this show. He resigned his $82,000 a year job at a Colorado Springs contractor. $1,000 a year job at a Colorado Springs contractor. He's being held at a county jail pending his conviction, and his estranged wife was left destitute by the marriage's breakup and is living with a relative in Virginia.

And she also has lingering effects of her injuries, has a diagnosis of post-concussion syndrome. All right, news story, news story. She doesn't have a job. Come on. No. She's going to have to get story. She doesn't have a job. Come on. No. She's going to have to get one because that money's not going to go to her, yeah. It's just sad now.

And then what happened? Something at the end has to happen for Earl. He swore that he threw the gold away, a mix of coins and gold bars, into a trash bin at Value Place, 55 Airport Road, a weekly motel that Jones lives at. Oh, 55 Airport Road, a weekly motel that Jones lives at. Oh, that's a prostitute den. Probably near the airport.

No, weekly rate. That's for divorced men. Oh, I see. Yeah. So that's kind of sad. Next story. That's a good story, Marcus. I like that story.

Berlin's dogs are being poisoned by the feces of drug addicts. That's a good one, man. Whose dogs? Berlin. No, no, my dookie, my dookie. German accent? Yeah, something like that.

That was German? Kind of, yeah. No, it's just German. No, a little kid with chocolate. Mine dookie, mine dookie. Mine dookie. Is he talking about his shit or his dog? Oh, I don't know.

Veterinarians say they've... So the dogs are eating human shit. Human shit in the streets in Berlin. Where are they getting the shit? I'll tell you. Veterinarians say they've seen increased poisoning cases involving dogs that have eaten human waste, with many suffering from shaking, dehydration, and an inability to walk properly. with many suffering from shaking, dehydration, and an inability to walk properly.

Subsequent tests revealed that heroin and other illegal drugs were still present in the consumed feces. Doctors say most of the dogs ate the feces in the city's Treptow and Krausberg areas, where drug users are known to gather and occasionally defecate in public parks. Heroin makes you shit, that's a fact. That is a fact. Man, those are some crazy dogs. Right before they die, they're all fucking hopped up on heroin. Yeah. Wow. Running around the streets of Berlin.

I don't think they're running anywhere. I think they're sleeping because it's heroin. I mean, do the dogs do that sort of like bizarre ninja move that the people on heroin do where they just kind of like stay in the same spot and just like wave around like a palm tree in the wind but they never fall over? Oh, not enough. Yeah, we'd love to see a dog on heroin i mean what does it look like you know well uh rarely are the uh dogs playing a guitar real kind of shitty but singing some kirko bane song and shit

well rarely are the uh feces fatal if a dog receives quick medical attention it can be treated with an enema that forces it to vomit the drug-laden feces. Vomiting up shit and then another dog comes and eats the vomit, the fucking shit vomit that that dog has. Wait, heroin really gives you the shit? Oh, yeah. You shit yourself all the time. Well, hey, can you, as a drug addict, can you eat your own shit and get high off of it?

Presumably. Okay. Interesting. But you get diphtheria. Yeah. It would be your last. It would be your last it would be your last and it wouldn't even be that good

I mean a dog's metabolism is much lower than ours it's like the worst resin hit yeah it's the worst resin hit you can possibly imagine exactly do they shit a lot because they don't know that they need to go to the bathroom no it's something that loosens up your

bowels is it the only drug that makes you do that that's why you have to the bathroom? No, it's something that loosens up your bowels. Something about heroin. Isn't the only drug that makes you do that? That's why you have to make sure when you do heroin, you saw Breaking Bad, when you do heroin, they have to make sure they're on their sides and stuff so they don't choke on their own vomit. Everything wants to leave your body because it's a

fucking vile, poisonous drug. Interesting. It's the worst thing you can put in your body. Except for Crocodile. Ah, yes, Crocodile! Crocodile, the new drug. What is it again? That's the back-f can put in your body except for Crocodile ah yes Crocodile Crocodile the new drug what is it again it's not a back flesh eating thing right

yeah yeah yeah Crocodile and it's real right it's real yeah it's made out of codeine I think it's made out of codeine and various other

chemicals household supplies it's cheaper than heroin that's why heroin addicts turn to it because they run out of money and then they need something and that's like

the next best thing it's way way cheaper. Yeah, and when you shoot it into your body, it eats the chemicals, eat the flesh where they actually shoot it in. And it also scales over the skin first, which makes it look, your skin look crocodile-like, which is why it's called Crocodile. So they named the drug

after its horrible side effect. It's from Russia. Yeah. Which is fine. And it just got to America, man. Oh, yeah from Russia. Yeah. Which is fine. And it just got to America, man. Crocodile. Look at that. Who's crocking it up? Why is he putting it in his scalp? We're talking about crocodile.

Oh, yeah. We talked about this before. Crocodile. Yeah. It just eats your skin, but they like it so much. Oh, my God. Her skin is coming off of her leg. They become extremely addicted to crocodile much. Oh, my God, her skin is coming off of her leg. Yeah, they become extremely addicted to Crocodile itself. Oh, all right. Jesus Christ.

Oh, those are really bad pictures. Good Christ. What's that, dude? Please never look up Crocodile pictures. We'll do a last podcast on Crocodile. Oh, that's the worst one. Let me see that one, Marcus. Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Are you going to fuck me again? Can you describe that to our listeners? I didn't see it either. The medical term for it is necrotized flesh. Oh, my God. It looks like Subway sandwich meat. Don't make this the picture for this one.

I'm not going to. All right. What is the picture? Describe for our listeners the pictures that we just viewed. A really fat man standing in a tub with his black toes and half of his calf eaten away. It looks like he put it in his bone.

It's eaten away so bad that it's not even red, it's yellow. Yeah. It's a rotted foot that's still attached to a very fat man.

Because the flesh, it necrotizes and it dies and so it just sort of sloughs off the body. Ugh. And then how many people were doing this?

I don't know what the... It just made it to America. It traveled across the seas. I just can't wait to see some supermodels with it and shit. Like everyone just starts losing arms and we just have this bizarre sort of like zombie sex culture. It isn't really crazy. It's that drug you see in like a sci-fi movie or something.

It's like that future drug. I would never understand how anyone could... Why would you be like, well, this is worth it? Because, no, because as I said earlier, you're already in too deep. You're already horribly addicted to heroin, but you don't have any more money for heroin, so this... Oh, it's a cheap heroin? And you need a

fix. You go down to that fucking place in Berlin, just start eating human shit. I would rather eat dookie than fucking have my skin melt off my goddamn ankles. It's made by mixing codeine tablets with gasoline. Oh, that's not good. Oh, my God. Or other acids.

So that's a good question for the room. Would you rather have your flesh melted off or eat shit to keep your pics going? Divine ate shit in John Waters' Pink Flamingo. She was a celebrity afterwards. You've got to go eat shit. Okay. You're eating shit? The thing with eat shit is there's always pepper and stuff like that.

Right. You can season your shit. Eddie, you're a chef. How do you season perfect human heroin shit? The thing with eat shit is there's always like pepper and stuff like that. Right. You can season your shit. Eddie, you're a chef. How do you season perfect human heroin shit? I don't know. I mean, I guess you gotta fry it up. Yeah, definitely. I don't think I can physically eat shit, so I'm gonna have to go with the crocodile. Yeah, the crocodile would be a better high. Yeah.

You just mix the shit with like pasta. The amount of shit you have to eat to get high would kill you. Yeah. Rojo, what are you doing? Eating shit or Crocodile? I'm eating shit.

I'd rather die. I don't care if Rojo dies. So you just jump out of the shelter. Yeah, man. I don't know. Yeah. But it's like how many times you got to do it for it to be that horrible. You know, it's not just one time and your whole foot falls off.

No, it's not just one time. It's over a period of months. Yeah. It's not. But you're not going to stop. That's not a lot. Yeah. But you've it's not just one time. It's over a period of months. Yeah. It's not. But you're not going to stop. That's not a long time. But you've got to eat shit one time. And you're not going to stop doing it

because you're horribly addicted, so. Yeah. And you're definitely not going to get addicted to eating human shit. No. I can't imagine. I mean, somebody are into it. Some people are into it, yeah.

The people that killed my people, they were certainly fucking into it. Goddamn Germans. Who are your people? Jews. Okay. I don't know which side you're on. I am the Jew now. Your skin would make a good lamp. Yeah. Well, people eat? Jews. I'm the Jew now.

Your skin would make a good lamp. I'm a full fucking sofa. Good goddamn thing those goddamn Nazi swine didn't find my Jewish ass over there during the Holocaust. They could start an entire goddamn furniture business with the skin I'd provide them.

No, it's forever. It's not right. This is great. I'm loving this. Yeah. I like it. I feel confident. I feel like I'm going to have a career. It's great, right? Yeah.

You're not Jewish, Eddie. Yeah, I am. No, you're half. I'm more Jewish than you. No, I'm 100% Jewish. You're at the most a quarter Jewish. Yes. Tops!

You're an ace Jewish. Don't put money into this, Marcus. It's anti-Semitic. How much Jewish how much Jewish are you Jewish Ed? I'm half oh okay

he's big half well yeah much more Jewish yeah you can make a strong argument that my entire family has created a very strong love around the world

for the Jewish people because of what they've done to them people still like Jewish people what's that? people still don't like Jewish people but a lot of people do to them. People still like Jewish people. People still don't like Jewish people. But a lot of people do like them, and it's wrong to... The Jews like the Jews. I like Jews. And I'm scotching your thoughts on the Jews.

Jews are fine, man. I love all of God's children, even though that isn't real. But either way. Alright, it's time for a segment from Noel McNally. That was a quickie, either way. Yeah. All right. It's time for a segment. Oh, wow. That was a quickie Dickie.

Uh, Hey, Ooh, I already got mine. Okay. Yeah. You do already have yours. The costume, uh,

Marcus owns a costume shop. It's called fucking Marcus's big fucking spooky dickhead hour. I mean, why would I go there for an hour? Yeah. It's only happened for one hour a day and it's only going to have one costume. Uh, we all have to come up with a different costume idea to put in Marcus'

store. He's going to go with the best one because he owns billions of dollars. So let's give it up for Marcus. Do it with my time. Good new business, Marcus. Yes, my new business. Do people listen to this part of the show? Yeah, we love this.

They make it this far, maybe. So my idea is the Ed Larson. It's mainly just going to be a bag of hog meat, but I'll throw in like a little can of fart spray. So you cover yourself in the hog meat. You spray yourself up with the fart spray so you smell like big fucking stinky farts. And I'll throw in a dolphin's jersey and a fucking poorly shaved beard that you can wear.

Yeah, and that's it. And you just walk around like a big fucking... Who should get a dolphin's jersey? Yeah, you get a dolphin's jersey. Some like, yeah, exactly. How do we keep the meat from rotting? You don't. You only wear it for one day. Yeah, you wear it for one day.

You learn to love it. Yeah. No, but I don't mean... I mean during the storage process. Well, I mean the whole... Oh, during the storage process. Yes, we'll put it in like a fucking fridge or something. I don't know, man.

Okay, so I gotta buy a fridge now. It's a cold store. Oh, fucking... I gotta buy a cold store. I will buy the fridge. Okay. Wow. But now you gotta...

You're throwing your own money on the table. Yeah, it's like the whole store is like... A store is a walk-in fridge. So. Wow. But now you've got a giant fridge. You're throwing your own money on the table. Yeah, it's like the whole store is like a store is a walk-in fridge to hold all the stuff. So I've got to convert my entire store to a walk-in freezer.

No, I have to convert your entire store to a walk-in freezer. But what happens after Halloween? We burn it down, get the insurance money. Yeah, like you're.

All right. Yeah, all right. You brought fire into it and I'm down. I forgot to mention one of the pluses is throughout your Halloween night you can be eating

your costume and run from dogs which is always fun. Which is another thing that gets you into the headspace of being Ed. And you can eat your own costume. It's perfect. So you only have one costume in the store.

One costume. Okay so this costume in this store. This store and this costume is purely for atheists, right? Now, the costume that you're selling is God. You're selling the God costume. The store is totally empty. But here's the twist, right? It's for atheists.

But then after a few weeks, the outrage from the Christians, they start to realize that, wait a minute, the God costume was in there because nobody knows what God looks like. Wow. The emperor has no clothes. It is above my head space. That's great. High concept shit. So what am I selling? Nothing.

Enlightenment. You have no overhead. Exactly. Idea, enlightenment. What you're selling is uniting the world. So how does somebody buy something, though? You charge a cover. How does he make it?

Yeah, you gotta charge a cover to get in. Atheists would love that shit, because they'd be like, ooh, it's like the new atheist thing to do. They pay money to go see it. What's the name of the store, then? The name of the store? Yeah.

It's just God. Straight up. God. Yeah. God's place. I like that. Yeah, a storefront that just says God. Then you walk in. Black windows. It's just you. It's place. I like that. A storefront that just says God. Then you walk in. Black windows.

It's walking. You're your own God. Yeah. Powerful messages here. Powerful messages. We have to keep the store empty at all times. Yeah. How much is the cover? How much is the cover?

$50. $50. I realize that you're God. That's not a bad deal. That's a small price to pay for enlightenment. I like that. I like that. I agree. All right.

How much is it to go see the Dalai Lama? He's coming to town. Yeah, he's coming to town. We can check. There's flyers around like it's a hip-hop TV. They charge to see the Dalai Lama? Yeah. Is that against the whole thing?

Yeah, I would think it's probably free. No, there's tickets No the llama's Doing the beacon He's doing the The dolly's doing the beacon What is he gonna do He doesn't see He's got his skittle

Separated in the back He's doing like an hour long set It's for his new album Coming out Yeah Yeah he's Alright StubHub We're on StubHub

You can't charge To see a Buddhist The most important Buddhist Of all time I need to know How much it costs Are you gonna go Ed? No The fuck do I care You're charged to see a Buddhist. The most important Buddhist of all time. I need to know how much it costs. Are you going to go, Ed? No, the fuck do I care? I don't need to be enlightened.

I'll enlighten him. You're going to enlighten him? Did you just threaten him? I thought I knew everything about the world, but then Ed farted in my face. 58 bucks. $58 to see the Dalai Lama. That's not crazy it should be nothing

that's half of a Kanye yeah that's really half of a Kanye he's got a fly over here so you gotta pay for that plus the beacon gets put out you have to pay for them getting put out

that's kinda fun yeah alright what is he gonna talk about peace yeah yeah I guess enlightenment

nah let's see here yeah who gives a shit What is he going to talk about? Peace? Yeah, I guess. Enlightenment. Let's see here. Who gives a shit? I'd rather watch cartoons. Yeah, that's the thing. Ben Kissel. You already have one. It's something like Scrodo.

Scrodo, which is a scrotum like Frodo. Kind of plays into that story about the child who has a scrotum all ripped off and stuff. So it's just like Frodo, but you get the nice little suit that he wore in that movie, and then you get a stick, and then you get a big set of nuts there, super glued to the costume. Where are the nuts? On his scrotum area. And you're scroto.

So that's good. Or you could be Kanye West. You know, have another costume. It's called Kanye West. And you go in and and then you set up yeah, you got some wine corks

and you gotta because of you. You're the one. So what is it? You gotta muddle up. You gotta traditional blackface Kanye West.

Yeah, just wrap it up. Just scroto. Anne Hathaway. I've got a great Anne Hathaway costume. My heroes. My heroes. My heroes.

My heroes. Just say which one it is. It's Gwyneth Paltrow from Shakespeare in Love. Just say which one it is. Which one is it? It's Gwyneth Paltrow from Shakespeare in Love. Okay. I just watched that. I cried the other day watching that one. All right.

Rojo? Maybe Ralph Fiennes. I got a couples one. Okay. That's great. Double the money. Yeah. It's Arby and the Detective.

Ooh. Arby and the Detective. Or the P money. Yeah. It's Arby and the Detective. Ooh. Arby and the Detective. Or the Perv. Yeah. You can do either one. But the thing is, you have to follow. She's dressed in the Arby's outfit, and you follow her around, but different parts of her body get swollen, and that's where you cop a feel.

Oh, so boobs grow on her body. Boobs, sides, and ass. Whatever can grow. This is like a traveling carnival game. Two for $75. That's a good price point. That's a good price point. I don't know what the overhead's going to be like

with an inflatable costume. Just trust me, it'll be good. You've never steered me wrong. We've known each other for years. You've never steered me wrong. That's kind of a fun costume. Jackie Joyner-Cursey? You've never steered me wrong. We've known each other for years. You've never steered me wrong. You've seen Bolt. That's kind of a fun costume. You've seen Bolt.

No, no. You have to do Gwyneth Paltrow. Jackie Joyner-Kersey? You've got Gwyneth Paltrow from Shakespeare in Love. That is a bad idea. But the scene where the guy unwraps her because she's pretending to be a boy, so she covers up those sweet hoots. Yeah.

But then we see him. No. No. We're just... She'll be fully clothed. Sweet dogs. It's real nice. Yeah, sweet dogs.

I fucking hate that movie I love that movie So fuck that fucking stupid movie They ride in a What is it called A gondola A gondola They ride in one

I rode in one in Venice How was it It was boring Yeah It's very expensive And you have to barter With the guys Like

You're just like I just want to ride Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti.

Rigatoni. Gucci, Gucci, spaghetti. I must say, your Italian is perfect, sir. Where are you from? America. It was really tough. I'm stuck. All right, Jackie, what do you got?

All right. The place is called Honky Tonk Nazi. And inside it, it is a build-your-own cowboy Hitler costume. Cowboy Hitler. So everybody gets a horse. Whoa! Everybody gets a horse. They have a stable attached to it.

Everybody gets a horse. You can either choose between a Western costume with a Jewish symbol on the sleeve crossed out, made out of Jewish skin, or... Out of real Jewish... No, no, fake Jewish skin. Fake Jewish skin. Fake Jewish skin. Fake Jewish skin?

It doesn't matter. It's made out of lamb skin, so it's really soft, the way Jews are. Oh, my God. Or... I cannot... Or...

My girlfriend will leave me if I start slaughtering Jews. Or. I'm saying lambskin, Marcus. I can't have any more pork. Oh, man. Being a Jew is tough. Or.

You're not a Jew. I am. You get a Nazi costume and you put fringes on it. That's fun. Okay. Like a little furley. You can choose between which hat cowboy hat or, you know, standard Nazi hat. And you can choose what kind of-

Does it have a helmet with a spike on it? Yes. No, no, no. That's World War I. She's talking about your classic SS hats. I'm talking SS. The death set. I'm talking classy.

Was it Calvin Klein who made those? Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss. Hugo Boss. And you can choose what kind of bones you pull behind your horse. It could be human bones, pseudo-human bones of the Jews that you've killed. Or it can be the cows that you killed. Or previous horses that your horse fought in other battles.

This could be the beginning of a franchise. I think that it could be. You could do a different... I'm talking, this is a woman with franchise. I think that it could be. You could do a different... I'm talking, this is a woman with vision. I think I have vision. Visions of murdering Jews. I think it's horrible. Not real Jews.

Ben Kissel, can you make a statement to Jackie? I mean, the money, the business seems like it's going to make some money, so I'll sign. I will partner here with this. I'm all about making money. I don't know what it is about me. I've changed. And I'm saying that people are as soft as land. Yeah, and all the paperwork, Marcus. I'll take here with this. I'm all about making money. I don't know what it is about me. I've changed. And I'm saying your people are as soft as land.

Yeah, and all the paperwork, Marcus. I'll take care of it. Thank you. Yeah, I know you have experience. You're hired. That's right. Oh, I might win. I might actually win a segment by proxy.

He's hired. Yeah? Oh, he's hired. I like that. Monkey Dunk now. All right, Eddie. All right, you, brother. Oh, uh.

Well, not many. Yes, Eddie. All right, you, brother. Oh, uh... Well, not many... Yes, brother. We all know that the Great Monkey War of 2013 will start by the end of October, which is seconds and days away. So best idea is because they're so strong and so powerful, the best thing to do is to dress like them. So we're going to have a monkey suit.

And you go in, you buy the monkey suit, and you try to blend in so you're not murdered by monkeys. That's a good idea. Now, do the monkey warriors have any accoutrements, anything that makes them more, you know? Well, the thing is, you've got to try to blend in so you don't want to have anything extra. Because then they'll think you're a smart monkey,

want to make you a leader, and then, you know, you're fucked. They're going to sniff you out for not being a monkey immediately. First thing you've got to do is put on the monkey you gotta do is find a monkey bash set with a rock start eating his brains that's what they do for territory right and so uh yeah yeah chimps eat uh each other's brains and they eat the heads you making that up no no when they have their chimpanzee wars and they uh they actually have wars and they'll find the youngest chimpanzee wars. They actually have wars. They'll find the youngest chimpanzee. Eat his brain? Then they'll bash his head

and then they'll eat his brain in front of all of his family. Does send a message. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Interesting. Absolutely. Interesting year-long costume, too. You have to.

I mean, this is practical. This is the last article of clothing you're ever going to buy. You need this monkey suit. Either that or just become, you know, monkey shit. Right. Because you're going to get eaten. So you don't think the humans have any chance of winning here?

That's crazy. There's no way, huh? Because I was going to say, if humans have a chance of winning, then we can open monkey suit franchises all over the United States. If we start winning, what we do is we get human suits and sell them to monkeys. Yeah. Well, one more thing. My only interest in supporting the monkey suit is so I have enough time in this world

to eventually open up Honky Tonk Nancy. Oh, yeah. I do want to say this, though. With my Gwyneth Paltrow, Shakespeare in Love, you're guaranteed to find love at the end of the night.

So that's kind of nice. It's a love guarantee when you wear the costume. All right. Kind of good? Yes. All right. Who wins?

Oh, monkey suit and Honky Tonk Nancy. Okay. Yeah, good? Yes. Alright. Who wins? Oh, Monkey Suit and Hunky Tongue. Okay. Yeah, Monkey Suit. Oh, hybrid. So I kind of won, though, too. No. Nuh-uh. No, you just brought the whole episode down.

It's like a bad ending to a great movie. Well, I'll tell you, that sounds exactly the opposite of Shakespeare in Love. Because that movie had a great ending. Because love exists and love is real. Jackie and Ed, okay, congratulations. But I am your lawyer. Fucking won again, bro! When was the last time you saw Shakespeare in Love?

It's not good. It holds up. I thought the performance was very funny. Well, that's interesting that you say that. I enjoy it. I think I have a love for Shakespeare in Love. Pussy Holden! Kevin, be the deal breaker.

Kevin, what do you think? Look, I don't care about what none of y'all say. I got God in my life, and that's all that matters. That's what's important. Fuck y'all, man. Congratulations. All right, fine. All right, Jackie, Eddie, Holden.

Yeah. Kevin Barnett, Ben Kissel. And then thank you, Rojo Perez, for being here. I am the champion. And then Marcus Parks. Thank you. Throw out your bananas, people. Be ready.

The monkey war is coming. Mazel tov, everybody. How do our people say goodbye, Ed? Shalom. Oh, shalom. Yeah. I'll get used to it. Good job.