The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 17: Miss Kentucky Latina

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

The Latinas are pissed off and on a rampage this week. We got Miss Kentucky Latina fuckin’ up gas station attendants and pharmacists and we got Isadora from Mexico, our number one fan, all pissed off at Holden for saying Mexicans have sandy feet because they can’t afford shoes. Monkeys are stealing babies, too. Hide yours.

Just wear a mask. Just get me some drywall, some oven mixture. Why are you alone? I don't understand why you're alone. It's because I fucking send bad, weird poetry to chicks. Oh my fucking God. Because I mail poems to girls. You mail a poem to a girl?

Yeah. We'll talk about it. First of all, you don't mail poems to girls. You just mail bitches some shit. All right, we'll wait. Let's start the cast. Let's start the cast.. Alright, let's start the cast. Alright, let's start this thing off with a prayer. Eddie, can you please bless this fucking podcast

with a prayer? In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Baruch atah Adonai, Hallowehu, Melech Halom, Bitches! Dear Mary.

Thanks for the bread. Patron saint of weed. And pussy. And pussy. Everybody knows that Mary loves a pussy. Yes, she does. Actually, does she really? Yeah, God fucked her.

Yeah, of course she does. She's a virgin. She was a virgin. If she loved her pussy, she would have gotten it fucked before it became fucked. That's all I'm trying to say. So, Mary, if you're listening to this, take a dick in. You know, just see what it's like. And enjoy yourself for once.

For Christ's sake. Unintended. In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Amen. What a prayer, Eddie. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the Creek in the Cave, recording live the Roundtable of Gentlemen.

Oh. What a hot show, hot show. See, the thing is with this whole, I want to address this right now. Oh, right. You always record live. Yes, you record live. I mean, when people listen to this, it's not going to be live. Yes, you record live. When people listen to this, it's not going to be live.

We are alive, though. Right now, we are alive. So who are we? Who is alive on this podcast? Jack Gay. Ed Larson. Holden McNeely, 2010, worst year of my life.

Worst year of it easily. Best year of my life. Living with Holden's nothing but a joy. Yeah. Kevin Barnett. And I'm... You're doing great.

I'm Ben Kissel. And in the Chuckle Hut, we got Walter Rapogle. Thank you, Walter. We got the very talented Jake Young. And the very beautiful and talented Kendra Foster. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus Parks. What do you got for me?

What do you got for me? What do you got for me? Undercut me, man. Yeah, bro. Fucking take it over. There's a guy from Ohio running for the House. Used to be a Nazi reenactor. Well. Reenact?

That's amazing. A Nazi reenactor? Yeah. Yeah, you know, like people who reenact Civil War. Oh, it's just a... The Battle of the Bulge. At least he's acting out these things in play acting rather than, you know, murdering a Jew in the real life.

But that's why he can't do it anymore. Yeah, oh, he could do it. He just wouldn't get elected for office. So what's the deal? Does he not believe or something? What do you mean? I mean, does he believe in being a Nazi or what's the deal? Does he not believe or something? What do you mean? Does he believe in being a Nazi or what's the deal? He said that it's a historical situation

and he doesn't see anything wrong with dressing up like a Nazi. I assume there has to be Jewish reenactors then as well, right? Some sort of Japanese reenactors, an American reenactor. They're all played by Indians. Yes, they don't understand the irony. They're like, oh, you were genocided too. You want to be the Jew? Can you be the Jew?

Like, fantastic. So there's some uproar over this guy running for Congress, right? This is in Ohio? Ohio. He's a tea partier. Oh, no. All right. You left that out.

That's why I have a problem with him. Nazi Renekton, he's just a historian at that point. Well, I think if he's just a historian, yeah. That just makes him more trustworthy. If someone came to me and was like, Ed, do you want to play a Nazi in this movie? I'd say, absolutely. Of course you do.

Of course. Now, we have Jake Young with us, fresh off of Comic-Con. Now, a lot of people dress up as their favorite superheroes, favorite action stars. What do you think about a fella dressing up as their favorite Nazi hero? Well, it's a very interesting... I feel like we need more information, because

if he honestly is doing it for the historical reenactment thing, that's cool, but if at the meeting they're like, now we need someone to play the hated Nazi... And he was just like, ooh, me, me, I call Nazi! I call Nazi! Oh, God, me, me, I call Nazi. I call Nazi. Oh god, me, me, Nazi. Then yes, he's a piece of shit.

I mean, he must have called the Nazi. You don't just get handed the greatest character in the game. Of course he was, he chose the Nazi. Much like kickball, if you're kind of a loser, like, you get picked Nazi in the reenactment. Always pick Nazi, never GI.

That's fantastic. Can I ask a quick question about Comic-Con? There were a bunch of hot, huge, titted anime chicks there, right? Batman bitches? Yeah, what's the deal with that? Oh, what would happen is there would be one chick who was just incredibly hot, dressed as Wonder Woman or Psylocke. Jackie,

what was your favorite Lady X-Men? Oh yeah, you know all of them. I like Batwoman and Scarlet Fever. The worm, the worm. And then there was just a halo, just a goddamn circle of weird dudes

just gawking, like just in desperate. Did you catch anybody like beating off? Just trying, mentally, yes. How many people do you think. Did you catch anybody beating off? Mentally, yes. How many people do you think beat off at Comic-Con every year? What's the beat-off ratio? Is it like one to five?

I feel like everyone was. I feel like Comic-Con is just a giant beat-off convention. It's like a special beat-off bathroom. It's like the Chilean minors. The inverse of that. A beat-off convention. It's like the Chilean minors. The inverse of that. Hold on. A beat-off convention sponsored by

Johnson & Johnson. Fantastic. Good for the cleaning and the lubing. Were there any women or men dressed as superheroes that were so grossly obese or grotesque

that they completely shattered your fantasy about what Wonder Woman used to look like or Aquaman perhaps? There's nothing wrong with a larger woman just owning it. Chubby Superman needs to kill himself

though. Oh, this is the best. I saw outside the Javits Center a boyfriend-girlfriend dressed up like Mario and Luigi just viciously making out. Fake mustaches intertwined, just gross make out.

I love it so much. That's like my childhood dream, you know that, right? Like, I didn't know I was into transgendered incest before that moment. Turns out I'm really into it. That'd be a great scream. Hey, it's Mario! When you come, you know, when you come over here. It's a me! It's Mario!

I do want to know, the power structure of the relationship, was the woman Luigi or was the woman Mario? The woman was Mario. Whoa! He is the bitch in that relationship. You gotta get rid of her. You gotta dump that bitch. That's some whole shit, man. I can't be going out like that.

That makes it hot. Are you kidding me? That makes sense for a nerd couple. Nobody wants to fuck Mario. Everybody wants to fuck Luigi. We all know that. You saw the movie. What?

John Leguizamo or Bob Hoskins? Bob Hoskins! Bob Hoskins. Bob Hoskins. I wonder whose idea it was. If it was the dude's idea, this is very creepy. No, see, this is the classic nerd couple. Tall, lanky, weirdo dude, short, chubby, nerdy girl.

That's a good point. Was the girl hot, though? What did the girl look like? She was fit. She looked fine. Shaped mustaches. All right, well. Was he lanky?

Was he tall? Yes, grotesquely. See, that's probably what happened. Well, it's got to be Luigi, though. Yeah. But outside of that, though, he's just probably all bitched up. He was like, I want to be Mario. Bitch was like, oh, I want to be Mario.

I was like, okay. Why couldn't she just be Princess Peach, though? And Bowser. And be like, yeah, yeah. Bowser and Princess Peach. They could have been raping her in the parking lot. Oh, raping her. I made you say it.

You can't do it anymore. That was Jackie's one rape usedused up on a princess peach wine. That's the rape whistle. Not fair. That is too bad. So many good ones. Kendra Foster, if you were dating a fellow who really wanted to play a little anime game

style sexual contact, who would you be and who would you want him to be and why? And you can't say a Nazi because that guy is busy. He's running for office in Ohio. I'm going to blend two animes and y'all are too young for this.

I would be Jem. Oh, Jem. She was hot as fuck. Jem was hot as fuck. Hell yeah. And then my dude would be like He-Man or something. No, no, no. Lion-O.

I love Lion-O. Got something for the hairy guys. I did see a chubby Lion-O. I'm more of a He-Man man myself. Did I dress up as He-Man four times in my childhood? Of course you did. You were the biggest baby in Florida for so long. I've been compared He-Man myself. Did I dress up as He-Man four times in my childhood? Of course you did. You were the biggest baby in Florida. I've been compared to Skeletor.

I see I always thought of you more like an orc goat. Oh, yeah? You know that little ghost? Yeah. That little stupid ghost? Oh, it's just like banging into walls and not getting pussy? Yeah, I remember that guy. You know who's getting pussy?

These fucking athletes in India. Everybody in India gets pussy. That's why they're going to win the population race. As long as cows have a pussy, everybody in India is going to get a lot of pussy. I believe in a conversation where you talked about how they were hiring big monkeys they were hiring big monkeys to kill smaller monkeys

it's so long that I'm still just thinking of Jim fucking and sucking him in I can't get this out of my brain her tits were so big and he's such a stallion of a man it's like Sasha Gray fucking Mr. Plumber there's my wife or Plumper.

What's that? Nothing's hotter than the dude that rides a tiger. Yeah. Oh my God. The nipples on that fellow and then the bosoms with the fat sex on that gem. And she's a rock star. Oh my God.

I love them. Mexican piñatas, I've been telling you. That's the most appealing way to describe. Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. I love them. Mexican pinatas, I've been telling you. Unfeeling way to describe. Jesus Christ. Oh, good God. The lunch tickets on that house. You make it sound like throwing out the garbage. Fat sacks.

Throwing around the garbage a little bit. Females with loincloth. Anyway, we're going to move on. But then we could turn it into a group situation with any one of the snorks or the smurfs, and you can do the math on that. It is not pedophile corner yet. I don't think we can throw them in there. Could you get another smurf in my ass?

Exactly. Where's my smurf? My smurf anal beads. Poor smurf just on ass-licking duty. Yeah, I smurfed there. Ass smurf. That's the worst job ever. Just holes on holes. Dude.

Smurf to smurf. Uh-oh, Jake, what would you want to see? Smurf to smurf. Double smurfing. Smurf. That's so gross. That's a nice little dildo thing. So anyway, Indian athletes are coming all over the place in condoms and throwing them down the drain.

Is that the story? Well, here's what's happening. It's this big, it's called the Commonwealth Games in India, and they're going through so many condoms that they're clogging up the plumbing. Or at least they're starting to use them. That's the best, yeah, that was the great news. Why are you just fucking throwing them away like a normal human? That's the thing about India.

There's no such thing as trash. They don't believe in it. No trash games. Yeah, except for their lower class. That's the only trash they have there. Actually such thing as trash. They don't believe in it. No trash cans. Yeah, except for their lower class. That's the only trash they have there. Actually, they talk about that in the Olympics, too, about how all the athletes really,

when they're all together in the Olympic Village, they just fuck each other all the time because of all the hormones and shit they're on. Yeah! They're just going nuts about it and stuff. It's ridiculous. Man, that's a reason to become a runner. I'll tell you that. Walter, maybe you would know this.

I'm not sure why, but where's the proper place to dispose of a condom if not the toilet? Trash can! You just put them in the trash can but then a roommate might find them

Who gives a fuck? That means you got blamed We're adults I just want to see a whole bunch of semen filled condoms in my garbage can

and throw them in my old Chinese Don't throw them out in the kitchen You wrap them up in something and you know put it in your own

You have a little trash can in your room. I'm not buying it. I knew a girl who had them in her garbage can and came up on her dog eating used condoms. See, so think about that story. Wow. Holy Christ. Nine months later, the dog got a beautiful baby boy. If I saw that dog, I'd be like, ah, gotcha.

I'll just do that shit. Stuck on its nose and things. You know when dogs taste something salty or real spicy, they lick their nose? Any time it smells semen in the air, it just starts running towards it. It's the Pat situation. That's right. Well, fantastic. I got a dog shit story.

Oh, dog shit alert. Oh, dog shit alert. Oh, dog shit alert. This girl, she was Mexican, adopted by a family in America. Mexican. Mexican girl. That's not right. Adopted years ago

and for the last year, she's been slowly poisoning her adopted mother with arsenic and dog shit. Which is also a new play coming out on Broadway. Isn't the poison arsenic that she's just feeding the mom

dog shit? Because dog shit, you can eat shit. Excuse me, it's insect poison and dog shit. Oh, insect poison. So it's the insect poison that's killing her and the dog shit is just the fuck. She always ate dog shit. Oh, insect poison. So it's the insect poison that's killing her and the dog shit is just the fuck. She always ate dog shit. This is just how she's getting her to eat the insect poison. Yeah, her mother is divine

from the John Waters. Yeah. So, okay, speaking of Mexicans, Ben, I was informed by Sina recently, a couple things, about an old acquaintance of mine, Isadora. Oh, little Izzy, how you doing, baby? Was Ben hitting on her? Two things. One, apparently

I offended her by saying something about Mexicans. She hates you. She hates me. You've been talking to her? Why haven't you told her we're roommates? I don't feel why have you hid this and she is sending him porn. She has sent me some porn

links, yes. Oh, what the fuck is going on? I mean, to little Izzy's credit, she knows what I like. She sent sending him porn. She has sent me some porn links, yes. Oh, what the fuck is going on? I mean, to little Izzy's credit, she knows what I like. She sent me a board of a girl with an apple in her asshole and a pumpkin in her pussy. What the fuck? Jesus. So, a little pumpkin, though. And she said, oh, it's such a funny thing, I never thought I would write this, but I really think you might like it.

All right, why does Izzy, because I believe she still listens to the podcast. Why does she hate me? Because I will formally apologize on her. You said something about how she lives in Mexico, so they all have sandy feet because they don't have, you know... I did? They don't have drawers. Well, that's true, though.

Well, Jackie, it's not necessarily true for her because she's a multimillionaire. What does she think about me? She loves you. She loves everybody except for Holden. What happened? I'm so sorry. Holden, I've talked to her a little bit too. Oh my god.

And this is the thing. Izzy, if you ever want to get in touch with me, you can contact me at murderfistnyc at gmail.com. But Holden also looks at that account, so be very careful. You should probably just stick with me and I'll tell Eddie when you call him. But if you really want to hurt him,

if you really want to make him sad. I never need to know. I want to clear the, I'm sorry Isadora. He's not sorry. You should have heard me say it

before we got in here. I'm playing a character. I am so, I apologize. Oh, he's not playing a character. Are you kidding me? Okay, mildly racist,

whatever. It doesn't matter. That's not appropriate. I still thought she was the one, man, and I apologize. No, and it's funny. I'm so bad at women like that. I was talking, I put a Facebook message up, and she responded, and I said, oh, don't go janking it to these pictures.

And she said back, who would ever jack off to Facebook pictures? Lol. And I'm like, I know who. And she's like, I do too. What an asshole. I just feel terrible. We called you a douchebag a few times. It's like the fucking 30th thing to feel bad about this week.

Oh, shut this. Well, at least. Thank you, Ed. I mean, Kendra, if a man offended your race or nationality, or let's say you're Irish. No, you can't fuck with a black thing. Can't fuck with a black thing. I don't know what I'm looking at anymore.

I don't see colors. I hardly see anything. What would you do? Would you take him back if he deeply and gravely offended everything you believe in as a woman, as a person? I mean, with the no-floor Sandy T.

I didn't mean to It was rude I mean what would you do Would you face Booking back On the right day I'd probably kick him to the curb With no point of return And that's on the right day

On the wrong day If there were just certain things That he supplied that I felt like I didn't want to do without Sex and that's not holding No There's room things that he supplied that I felt like I didn't want to do without. Sex, and that's not holding. No, no. There's room for negotiation, perhaps. You didn't say anything that bad, man.

Fucking sandy feet. I don't think sandy feet's that bad. No, I don't think it is. But we have to keep in mind she loved him. There's so many worse things you can say about Mexicans. Oh, of course. I mean, somebody, you can't even go fishing in Texas. They're beheading fishermen, and they just beheaded an investigator.

Mexicans are crazy, which is why you shouldn't say they have sandy feet. Listen, man, that's the thing. You want to hear about crazy Latina girls. Uh-oh. Miss Kentucky Latina. No comment. What? I love it.

No, that doesn't exist. Yes, it does. It does. Miss Kentucky Lat doesn't exist. It does. It does. Miss Kentucky Latina. Miss Kentucky Latina. She's been stripped of her title after allegedly assaulting a gas station owner by stabbing him in the neck with a ballpoint pen. She's like a MacGyver. Stereotypes.

I feel like that particular person has nothing to do with this shit. And then she went across the street and assaulted a pharmacist. Here's what the pharmacist had to say. She immediately kicked me with her knee into my abdomen and ripped at me and tore up my glasses off and ripped my neck and scratched me and busted my lip.

She was quite wild. Man, what a lioness. Really, she deserved the Kentucky Latina award even more. Well, you know, that's the thing. I feel like this was her special talent. She put a cigarette butt out in some dude's eye and kicked a guy in the genitals. They're like, you won Miss Kentucky Latina.

She's like, fantastic. Is there a picture I can see of her? I would love to check on her. There's not a picture of her. There really isn't. I'd love to see her. Yeah, I'd love to see the boobs. Her toe-toes.

Let's see if we can find it here. Whatever. Jake, what do you think about this Miss Kentucky Latina? You seem to enjoy it, perhaps? What? Perhaps you enjoy it a little bit? Don't get into late night. I don't know anything about what those sand foots do. Down in that backwoods.

Sand foots. Holy Jesus. Holy Christ. I think that's vile. I think we might have to kick out our first chuckle up member. I don't know,

but this Kentucky Latin bitch is real hot. Is she hot? She's real hot. Well, why didn't you just give her her gas for free and give her the fucking...

Of course she's hot. She's inbred. That doesn't make sense. What? What is wrong with you, Chucky? Who's this Chappie

that was a Kentucky joke not a Latina joke that's like kind of like a ruffled up picture of her too she's not even all like no no she looks all bad but she still looks all hot

she still looks so hot yeah she's like straight out of jail are you kidding me yeah she looks like she just fucking sucks a bitch man what are you talking about

you don't think she looks hot? I don't know. She looks like a duck built bitch. She's pretty hot. Barnett, what would you say is your favorite thing about Latin chicks? I like that butt, man. I'm a big fan of that butt. I'll be out there staring at butts all day, man.

Oh, man. I love it. Hey, because that's what I do. This is real. On the streets, man. Not all people just look at their butts. They think about their talents as individuals. I don't think that's what's happening on the streets.

Gay, straight, black, white, whatever. We're all looking at butts. And also women have no talents. Kendra, do you have something to say about this? Kendra had something to say about Miss Latina. I have to agree that she is pretty hot. Yeah. Kendra, if you were running for Miss Latina,

what would you say? What would be your message to the world? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to Miss Latina Kentucky. Our finalist, Kendra. I really think that she was just mad that she had even decided to even be in a pageant for something called Miss Kentucky Latina.

Miss Kentucky Latina. And she said that she's being profiled because she's Mexican. Is there a... And that's why she's trying to hide? That's why she's like, no, you know, I didn't do all this. Right after she profiled herself. See, Holden,

this is why you don't fuck with them, man. I think it's a legitimate point. I think... Over-profiling, like... You know, Holden, it's because of people like you

that's why people are embarrassed of that heritage in the first place, man. I was down there in Miami and this girl who was obviously Puerto Rican kept coming to me like, yeah, you know, for a white girl, I'd be doing this. For a white girl, I'd be doing that. I was like, bitch, don't try to this girl who was obviously Puerto Rican kept coming to me like yeah You know for a white girl. I'll be doing this for a white girl

We do it. I was like bitch. Don't try to tell me why you look Puerto Rican as fuck And I pushed her out the way Push her out of the way like on her face I accidentally bought nine Jack and Gingers. It was three for one. Three for one? Where were you? This is South Florida. Florida is paradise.

God damn it. Why don't you stay there? Yeah, that brought me right back to Wisconsin. Three for one deals. Three for one? That's ridiculous. Three for one Jack and Gingers. That's beautiful. I bet you that's what Kentucky Latina had over there

before she fucking nailed the pharmacist in the gut and stabbed a dude with a ballpoint pen, which is the coolest way to stab someone. A nice tequila cocaine cocktail. I bet it was the same pen he wrote his prescriptions with, too. Well, yeah, the gas station attendant. Yeah, you stabbed the gas station attendant. I thought he was a pharmacist.

She stabbed the gas station attendant and went across the street and beat the shit out of the pharmacist. Oh, the gas station attendant and went across the street and beat the shit out of the pharmacist. Oh, excuse me. I misspoke. Oh, wow, Jackie. How restrained are you? Marcus has some new news for us.

Please, God. I just can't believe you're not getting all the details where you're screaming. What? Oh, my God. Please listen to this. Headline, newborn dies after being snatched by monkey.

That's hard news! That is hard news! It's the word snatched. That's what happens when you go to Oz. Where the hell did they get this monkey? What the fuck does that even mean? Where were your parents? It was in Malaysia. Oh, okay. Well, anything goes there. Yeah, I wish It was in Malaysia.

Oh, okay. Well, anything goes there. I wish he was in, like, Oakland. What? I was like, what? The way I'm imagining this is, like, as the baby's coming out of the vagina, a monkey runs, yes, no! They shouldn't have tried to save all that money by going to the monkey doctor.

They should have just gone with the human doctor. That's what happens. You try to cut corners. Can we trust him? He's only five bucks. That's what happens every single time. Only in Malaysia. And I say it time and time again. You can't trust these monkeys, man.

It's 2010. The monkey was coming in. They think that it was a macaque. And they thought that it was a macaque. It's a macaque monkey. It's a kind of monkey that it was a macaque. What? A macaque. It's a macaque monkey. It's a kind of monkey. It's a macaque monkey.

I think macaques are generally not aggressive as far as I've known in my research. It's a nickname you have for Lil Izzy as well. Sometimes you call her a macaque. It wasn't an aggressive mood. The monkey was looking for food. Thought that the baby was food. Not to mention, I imagine when a woman gives birth she's bleeding gushing all that insides that's just

like they also what the doctor used sandwich buns for the reason why the monkey was there in the first place is because the house had a pet monkey already oh there's the pet monkey already. Oh, okay. There was the pet monkey. It was a monkey precedent. Monkey precedent? Monkey precedent?

President of monkeys? We should have never let that monkey have his friends over. His friends were bad, bad monkeys. Jake, what do you got? The new book by John Grisham. The monkey precedent. What are you going to say, Walter? Is anyone else just thinking of the Jungle Book

the entire time and how that kid's going to be in the book? I mean, seriously. It's like they tried to make the Jungle Book actually happen and the truth is

the kid dies in the first part and then the monkey just eats the shit out of him. Here's the, this is such a sad tragedy. The way it unfolded is terrible Because the monkey stole the baby

Nah it sounds like a lovely time How did the monkey steal the baby? Well he just went in Picked it up and took it up to the room Was it in the father's hands? No they left the baby alone in the room The monkey came in the window Grabbed the baby took it up to the roof

The parents come back in the room They start shouting and going crazy The monkey gets spooked, grabbed the baby, took it up to the roof. The parents come back in the room. They start shouting and going crazy. The monkey gets spooked and drops the baby. Don't spook a monkey. Yeah. Not when the monkey's holding your baby. I fucking knew that. You never spook a monkey.

That is a classic monkey. God knows what they're going to do. See, the monkey was just trying to do some good, man. He's like, well, these are obviously bad parents. Leave the baby alone. Leave the baby alone with a fucking monkey. I'm going to do some good, man. He's like, well, these are obviously bad parents leaving the baby alone. Leave the baby alone with a fucking monkey? I'm going to take this baby. The only thing you say to a monkey holding your baby is like, oh, you want a drink?

You want some food? I can get it for you or anything? That's what you got to do. You got to sit it down for a nice dinner, have it give up the child slowly. The monkey doesn't feel too good about it. But if you don't spook the monkey, it sounds like you take care of your kids. You get like a monkey nanny service. Did they kill the monkey? Did they kill the monkey?

Did they kill the monkey? It does not say. I'd imagine. I doubt if they even caught the monkey. If a monkey killed my baby, I'd spend the rest of my life trying to kill it. Yeah. I'd pretty much be killing that monkey. Does it have a kooky pet name like Gerbils or something like that?

Hopefully it has like a ball that's put on the top of his head from a random buckshot. So you have a distinct picture of a fucking image that you can find him 50 years from now. I don't even know what time it was, man. That's the fucking monkey. Got another primate story. Oh, yeah, this is a sad one. Yeah, this is a sad one. This is a sad one.

This is a sad one. Charlie the Smokin' Chimp died at the age of 52 yesterday. That's pretty good. Damn. That's very good. Great. Yeah, Chain Smokin' Chimp died at the age of 52 yesterday. That's pretty good. That's very good. Yeah, chain-smokin' chimp. Oh, well, it's good for him. How long was he smokin' for, though?

Doesn't say. I bet it was a long time, right? He's been in captivity for a long time. Yeah, at least 20, 30 years. Yeah, the zoo didn't ever give him cigarettes. He just bummed it off people. Like, whenever people would come by smoking cigarettes, he's like, ooh, ooh, ooh. Oh, so it's Ben Kissel.

And they give him cigarettes. That's a good point. That's amazing. So it wasn't the zookeeper. It was the general public that ruined this monkey. Well, no, no, no. He picked up... I wouldn't say ruined.

52 years is great. No, he picked up the habit in the circus. Oh, all right. That makes sense. All the habits you pick up in the circus. He got off easy. Good thing he didn't pick up the AIDS like all the porn stars are right now. Oh, yeah.

Is it AIDS flourish? No more porn industry. Well, not for a minute. Who's getting nailed? Nobody knows yet. We'll have to talk about it more next week. Right now, breaking news. Hot over the porn wire.

Somebody got the HIV and all productions are halting. Wow. Yeah, every week. It's actually a pretty, it's a very safe business. This happens once every three years. They test before every film. I'm going to go ahead and say that the porn industry

isn't a safe business. I'm going to say that there's a heavy drug use. A lot of times they're not using condoms. a safe business. I'm going to say that there's a heavy drug use. And also, a lot of times they're not using condoms. No, HIV and the porn business

is like car wrecks when you're a truck driver. You know? It's just going to happen. You're going to hear about these things. But nobody knows yet if it's a man or a woman.

So we'll have to see. Hopefully it doesn't take out my favorite stars like Gianna Michaels or, of course, the old Sasha Gray. Yeah, just go ahead and list all your

porn star faves. Well, you can do a whole bunch of stuff. We got to get you laid all your porn star faves. Well, you can do a whole bunch of stuff. We gotta get you laid by a porn star one day. Yeah, man. Absolutely. Yeah, but I feel like porn star, not porn sex is like different. I don't know. I just feel like it's not.

They would be disappointed by it. It would definitely be porn sex. They want emotions involved. No, they don't. What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, because when they have real sex, it's got to be special for them. No, no, no, that's not true at all. They live it rough all the time, always. That is the real

sex. I'm telling you, man, it's like, you know. You got no idea what you're talking about. No. They love it, man. I just want to believe that they really want something special in me. No, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's like. Oh, that's all that you want. That's why you're not born for us. That's why you'll be alone forever. I just want to believe that they really want something special in me. No, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's like... No, that's all that you want. That's why you're not born for us.

That's why you can be alone forever. I just want to be so bad, man. You're like the guy... It's like I wanted to be... I'm a poet. I agree. I agree. I think if you're having to do it rough all day on your day job,

you want some tenderness. You want something different. You want something different in the fucking bedroom. No, no, man. They work like four days a month. Thank you, Kendra. No, that's not true. You're the kind of guy who would go to a prostitute and just talk for an hour.

And she would hate it. And she'd be like, why are you here? I feel like she should know a little bit about me before we get to, you know, the other things so that we can, like, connect. You're never going to have sex again. I hope you don't. Before the podcast started, you said something interesting about poetry. So are you writing poems now? I've been mailing poems to girls that I find attractive.

I find a way. Has this Adora gotten a poem yet? I get their IP address. I'm apt to send one now. I thought you were my friend. I just didn't know you were such a bitch. Has his door gotten a poem yet? I get their IP address. You know, Holden, I thought you were my friend. I just didn't know you were such a bitch. No, I didn't. I believe in a funny thing called love. I believe in a silly, nutty thing called love.

God damn it. Holden's announcing his retirement from the round table. What, can you just give us just a clip, just a soundbite of your most recent or most favorite What is love? Question mark. Three spaces between the first line

and the next line. Is. Three more spaces. Oh, I see. Yes. Four spaces. Love, love. Five spaces. Love, love. Four spaces. Is love? Question mark. Picture, love. Five spaces. Love, love. Four spaces. Is love? Picture of me

holding her from falling. Photoshopped, of course. And then all of her personal information, just to kind of make sure she knows I know. And then I say beauty of you is the essence.

Question mark, explanation point. Dot, dot, dot. Love is love. I hope you're sending that to a 6th grader name. No, it's like E.E. Cummings mixed with like Thoreau. It's good stuff. Now you also had a picture of her tagged

at the end of her from inside of her bedroom, I'm fairly sure. Yeah, yeah. He didn't. I'd say it's not a picture she knew was taken. No, no, no, of course not. Holden, that's why you should watch the sports. Brett Favre, he knows how to fucking talk to the ladies.

Oh, yeah, what was that? Jen Serger, Florida State alum. But that's what's so funny about it. It's totally like a big football player trying to get pussy and failing. Well, somebody did get three pictures of his juicy cock, though. How positive are we that this is Brett Favre's cock? Pretty positive.

Her phone, they were sent by a fella named B. Favre from Mississippi. B. Favre. Kendra, if you got a picture of, let's just say it's my cock, I find you very attractive, I'm pretty aroused, what are you doing? Are you sending a text back, perhaps, of your pussy or your breasts, or maybe just we're going to meet up later for coffee? I think I'm still holding my cards.

Oh. But you liked the picture of the old strong eye. Yes, yes Fantastic That is good I'll tell you one thing I made it look bigger, I must lie I had my roommate Jason Kephart hold it If it's next to my hand

He's got tiny, tiny fingers Yeah, he's got small, small hands It looks like a nine-incher in his palm So let me ask y'all a question. Y'all ready for pedophile corner? Oh, don't touch me there. Don't touch me there. Oh, you're a priest.

You're a priest. I don't want to be in the hall anymore. I was born for this corner. Well, all right. This one is more of a pedophile law type thing. Oh, all right. We have a... This one is more of a pedophile law type thing. Oh, all right. It's a very interesting case. Utah.

Utah Supreme Court. Salt Lake City. Different rules. Utah Supreme Court justices acknowledged Tuesday that they were struggling to wrap their minds around the concept that a 13-year-old girl could be both an offender and a victim for the same act, in this case, having consensual sex... Did they find her masturbating?...with her 12-year-old girl could be both an offender and a victim for the same act, in this case having consensual sex with her

12-year-old boyfriend. Good for him, number one. Good for the 12-year-old boy. I think that's just kind of badass. Yeah, it's very badass. It's kind of generally badass, and these kids, you know, good for them. Kids are fucking all the time at that age

now, you know? They didn't even know what they were doing. Well, aren't they? Like, girls are also like, because of the hormones and the milk. You're always talking about the fucking milk. They start to bleed when they're like six. That's the word whore and hormones. And hormones. So wait, what was the charge? They just found

No, the charge was like, it's a state law. You can't have sex with someone under the age of 14. And you also can't have sex whenever you're under the age of 14. So since she was both under the age of 14 and having sex with somebody under the age of 14, in this case her boyfriend, they were both victims and perpetrators. What country is this in again? This is in America.

Oh, is it America? This is Utah. This is Utah. They can't just cane them then. I just can't imagine having sex when you're like 12 years old. I would have loved that. That would have been amazing. It would be terrifying, I feel like.

Yeah, well, you know. There's stories like this all the time. It's not like they got romantic in the back of a movie theater. They're probably in some grody basement, and she was just like, hey, show me your wing-wing. Grody, that's the word. What I'm wondering is who called the cops on who? Like, clearly someone stepped up on them.

Mom or dad. See, I'm from a small town. This is a regular occurrence. I'm with you on that one, Kendra. Girl with teen sex is a regular occurrence. That would have been so much better than the pound puppy I used to rub on myself. That was so upsetting. That's a good point.

Don't you rub your hand? Later on. No, no, yeah, a little stuffedet? Don't you rub your hand? Later on. No, no, yeah, a little stuffed dog. Did you really rub Pound Puppet? I rubbed stuffed animals on myself. I did the same thing. I used to just like stuff it in my underwear. Yeah, just kind of like

you leave it there and you just kind of back and forth. You're rubbing it on everything. Yeah, you rub it on. Wait, they rubbed up against all of the couches. That feels good. Oh, yeah. I learned the hand pretty fast. I was like, oh, yeah, this hand thing works pretty good.

I used to rub my genitals on hay bales, which was kind of fun. That sounds awful. That sounds absolutely awful. Hay bales. It hurts. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, hay bales are very... That's the only way Haymales. Yeah, it hurts. Yeah, that's the only way it can come. Yeah, a lot of pain.

Prickly pain. Prickly pain. I just don't think this is a pedophile story. I think it can only be a pedophile story if there was like a dude 18 or over jacketing in the corner. Well, it's the best we got. It's an off week. Yeah, that's the thing. It's an off week.

That's the best pedophile story. Hell, it's the best pedophile story from the last two weeks. Should we consider that a positive? I think that should be a good thing. We're turning the world around. If kids aren't getting fucked, I ain't feeling right about life, man. That's true.

It was the best that we could do, but, as Holden said, if you're a little kid, good for America. Good for America. America's fine. I'd just like to say, if you're a little kid good for America good for America America's fine I'd just like to say if you're a little kid

and you're listening to the round table of gentlemen you know just start fucking you know because you're only going to get better at it

and next weekend Larson will be the star of Pedophile Corner we gotta wrap up Pedophile Corner alright no don't touch me

don't touch me there well let's wrap let's wrap up a pedophile corner and go straight into a segment from our own Holden McNeely. All right, fantastic.

Well, this segment has to do with we talked the other day about, Ben, how you would be a serial killer for sure if you weren't so massive

and so easy to detect on the public side. If I could stick under the radar, I would love to murder. Mass murder. We talked about your target. We were saying the target should maybe be straight white men.

Those are the people who have fucked with me the most, and I think all of us. And nobody's gone after them. Dahmer went after them. Dahmer went after gay men. Asians. Asians and black guys. Yeah, gays, Asians, and blacks. It's always gays, Asians, blacks, or women. No, gay men. Asian. Yeah, gays, Asians, and blacks.

It's always gays, Asians, blacks, or women. No straight white men. What are the ones who deserve it? Whoa! Well, that's not a good answer. Well, what if your target were comedians who do a weekly podcast? Let's go around the room.

How would you murder all of us here at the Roundtable of Gentlemen? Let's do the theme song. Jackie, give me some background screams. Ben, how would you kill the gentleman? I don't even know. On the Roundtable. How would you kill the gentleman?

I wish you wouldn't. I'll start with a chuckle. I would force feed Jake until he died, which would be the most fantastic death for you, but also kind of the worst. You'd have a great 24 hours, but that last hour when you went over the edge, hey, what can you do?

Let's get a splatter guard like a Gallagher concert and call it a night. Kendra, I mean, holy crap. Wow, this is what we're going to get weird and sexual. This is going to be kind of fun, though. No, no, not sexual. Not sexual. No, no, no.

I would, I don't even know. I would maybe, I would, I would sew up your vajage and then I would show you pictures of He-Man over and over and over again until you came

so much inside of yourself that you eventually had gallons and gallons of female ejaculate and it just burst through your legs and your spleen and your stomach.

Whoa! Simply because of He-Man. Maybe this could be over. That's a fine way for her to die. He's eating cheese, come in, Walter. I mean, let's just, you got really tired and you shot yourself in the head. I talked to you for three hours and you got bored. And you killed yourself.

Marcus, there's no way that you could kill you without you being insanely happy about it. Maybe rip out your nails, cut out the old eyes, take out the teeth, and then let you sit in a basement for about 18 to 25 years. Let you get real pale, send you out in public, they'll hang you. Holden McNeely. Oh, my God. This will be the fun one. It's going to take a second.

What I'm going to do is follow you around for four weeks with a recorder. And I'm going to have... Do we live together? Of course we do. I'm going to record every single thing that you say. Then I'm going to sit you down in a chair, hook up that recorder to headphones, put the headphones on your head, play it on 11, and make you listen until your fucking head pops so you feel like I do for one second.

KB, KB, I think I'm just gonna let you go, um, I don't even know. I'm just gonna let you go tell jokes in Arkansas and let God take its course. That's how you go, you just book a bunch of gigs. Exactly, like I got booked.

Just do some hell gigs. I just show up and say, I'm happy I didn't bring Barnett on this one. He'd be coming back with eight toes and one finger. I don't even know what they would do with him. I saved what I could. That's right. I don't know.

Eddie, you're a bigger man. It'll be tougher to kill you. You gotta do something. Yeah, you gotta sedate him or something. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking about. I would say, if I had to take you down, hammer it in the face. Yay!

Well, that's very, very possible. Which side? Claw or blunt side? Whatever you got. I could even use the wood side if I could. Maybe I'd find you at the village poorhouse, and I'd take your face, and I'd dump it into the deep fryer for a second,

do a little skin flakes, put those on the chicken wings, take you down to the freezer, wait till you freeze, one crack to the fucking nose, and you shatter. That would be amazing. Jackie, uh, Jesus Christ,

I don't think that is possible for you. I feel like you're accepting an award right now. I've never been so happy. I really have never been so happy in my life. You look glowing, man. It's beautiful. Jesus, what has been done to Jackie that her sexual partners haven't done to her already? This is very, very tough.

I think I would probably, holy Jesus, Jackie, how do you die? How do you kill Jackie? I really can't think of anything. I can't. I have no idea. I think that is a compliment. I don't know how to kill you. Do you go from your legs to your face? I mean, Henry would be so upset.

Well, you're going to kill him, too, so it's fine. Oh, yeah. Okay, we'll have... We're a package deal. Maybe you pit them against each other. Let them kill each other. Is it a plane bomb? Plane bomb for Jackie. Yeah, that's a good idea.

We have her swallow a bomb, put her on a plane. Henry and Katie are on it, so you get some happiness when you die. And then I call the phone, and it rings in your stomach, almost like the Joker from Batman in the Dark Knight. And then you explode almost like the Joker from Batman in the Dark

Knight and then you explode and the whole plane explodes. But the funny thing is the only thing they find, no parts of the plane, just wads of fat all around the site. And they're like, I think this is where it happened. Were there Zabrowski's on this flight? So that's how I kill everybody in this room. And I guess that wraps up the round table, gentlemen. Thanks so much. Is that it?

Yeah. That's all we got. I don't think we're going to go anywhere else from there. I miss you guys. We didn't do this for like two weeks. I know. Yeah, this has been great. Yeah, man. We're back.

I want to thank Jake Young, Kendra Foster, Walter Rapogla for being in the chuckle hut. And as always, we got Jackie Zebrowski and Larson. Hold him, McNeely. I'm so sorry, Isadora. Kevin Barnett. I'm Ben Kissel, newsman Marcus Parks. Thank you.

Have a good commute. Have a good day. Have a good Halloween, whatever the fuck. Woo! Yeah! Woo! That was fun, you guys.