The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 170: Ways of the Heart

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a South African teacher is fired after taking three of his students for penis piercings, a Polish woman is arrested on animal cruelty charges when police discover she was trying to make a Frankenstein dog, and a man steals a monkey by pepper spraying its owner in the face. Joining us today: Mike Recine and Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table!

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. All right, all right, let's focus a little bit here. Alright, alright. Let's focus a little bit here. Marcus, you have to pray. I know. Today I will be praying to Flayda.

Who? Flayda? Flayda? Flayda? Flayda? Flayda Flayf? No, not just Flayda. Isn't that a dish here at the Creek in the Cave that comes with sour cream and salsa? Ben Kissel's still got it. I ain't never lost it. I ain't never lost it. She is the Creek in the Cave that comes with sour cream and salsa? Ben Kissel's still got it. I ain't never lost it.

I ain't never lost it. She is the goddess of the autumnal equinox. Oh. What a bitch. Just made up for the purposes of this prayer. She's got armpit hair.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I bet she stinks. Yeah, like old leaves. Dog ass. And shit. Yeah. Loves to vote and be politically active.

Slugs for feet. She's always fucking blowing me. That is the most disgusting thing I've heard so far today. Flayda, please give me the strength this fall to not murder every single one of these people that I do a show with every single week. Why? What happened? Please, Flayda. Please give me the strength.

But Marcus, if you wouldn't set up all of our microphones and take care of us and buy us beer, then why would we be here to hang out with you? That was mean. Wait, no, that was mean? That was fucking mean, yeah. That's mean. I hope Flayda comes in the night and uses her armpit hair and chokes you to death with it.

Please give me the strength. What does with it. Please give me the strength to work with Ben Kissel for another day. What happened? What did I do? Don't be anti-Semitic. Let's see. Do we want to vote Ben Kissel off the show? One, two, three.

Not it. What do you mean? Do you know how voting works? Not it. Not it. The show hasn't even begun. That's a real democracy right there. What happened? One, two right there. What happened?

One, two, three. What happened? You were born, Ben. Yeah. Amen. That was the prayer? You guys yelling at me and then holding, sort of kicking me off and not doing it right? Play-da.

Play-da, play. Play-da. All right. Thank you, Play-da. Let's just go through the names of the people that have been here every single week for the past two and a half years. Because I don't know... Do people know who we are?

Jackie Zabrowski. My arm hurts from fucking punching bitches all night. Fuckers. You fuckers. That's assault. Yeah, I'm going to post a video of Jackie punching a... What do you call those things? Punching bags.

A punching bag. A speed bag. Never even seen a gym. Yeah, never have. Jackie punched one of the speed bags, and the score was a 51, and you could get up to a thousand. But she got a 51. My arm hurts from it. Hey, I'm Ed Larson, and I'm fucking sitting in a bucket of soup.

It's the only thing, it's like in a movie, Abyss, but the only thing I can breathe through is fucking a ham hock soup. Big fat, fat me. I'm fat. You actually sound thinner. It's Henry Zebrowski. Wow. Stunning. I am holding sweaty pussy lips, McNeely.

All right. Sit in for Kevin Barnett. We got somebody other than Holden here. Hey, it's Mike Racine. Yeah. All right, good. Bringing energy to the table. In the chuckle hut, we got Tim Dorsch.

Dorsch, thanks for being here. Thank you so much for having me. I'm really working on a new hangover for tomorrow that's going to be bigger and better than anything we've ever seen. Yeah. It's going to be perfect. Thank you for that. So was our father.

Oh, yeah. You remember that, Jackie? I don't want to talk about it right perfect. Thank you for that. So was our father. Oh, yeah. You remember that, Jackie? I don't want to talk about it right now. Do you remember how drunk Dad used to get? Jackie, what's your favorite Dad drunk moment? Ooh, I don't know, where we had to be quiet all the time. Oh, that's got to say.

That's because he was sleeping. My favorite drunk Zebrowski moment, which is my dad got super hammered while he was at work. NYPD officer, by the way. And he drove over to my school, pulled me out of school, took me to Coney Island.

That's amazing. It was great. I mean, he was real rough with getting me in the rides and yelled a lot and was like drinking at the park and then drinking when he was driving me home.

But it was like fun, like for brief seconds of time where you're like, man, I'm like any other kid. My favorite part was when he just pretended I didn't exist. Well, you're not a boy, Jackie. I was bringing it down.

This is why he didn't take you to the home. Well, no, that was the time that he yelled at you at the zoo until you got on the camel. That was very... I really didn't want to get on the camel. I remember when he drunkenly pushed me at Aladdin in Disney World to make me get his autograph.

Get his fucking autograph. Did he pick you up in the police car or did he pick you up in a random sedan? No, it's his car. He had a black police car. Oh, okay. So it was the police car. Yeah, and he had a car phone. Did you ever get to hit the button? Did you ever get the lights? Did you ever do the old No, no, no, because if was the police car. Yeah, and he had a car phone. Did you ever get to hit the button? Did you ever get the lights?

Did you ever do the old fun clues? No, no, no, because if he did the lights and then anybody noticed how drunk he was driving an off-duty cop car, I think that he would have gotten in a lot of trouble. Right. Hey, Jackie, I just want to say, if I was your dad, I can't say for sure whether I'd be nice to you. That's nice. That's kind of nice.

You can't say for sure, though, so maybe he would be nice. Still a chance, yeah. That's great. All right, of nice. You can't say for sure, though, so maybe he would be nice. Still a chance, yeah. That's great. All right, Marcus, my actual dear friend. Yes, my actual dear friend as well, Ben Kissel. Thank you. What's the news story, then? Mom, Dad?

Hello, how are you? I'm about as drunk as your father. A South African teacher was fired for taking three of his students to get penis piercings. Fired? Come on, teacher of the year. Unbelievable. Peter Oberholzer, 57, took a trio... Every Dutch name just sounds like

someone's throwing up phlegm into an old rag. Oberholzer. Come on, let's go get penis piercings. Oh, thank you, teacher. My penis is so full and not pierced at all. Oh, wow. He's like, let me say my last name while I gag on your cock. Oh, I just want a dangly thing at the end of it to catch my fucking tonsils on.

Oh, that's perfect. That's a good way to get those removed. Overholzer57 took the trio to a studio after they spotted his own ringed member in the shower during swimming practice. Oh, hell yeah. Kids were looking at it, huh? Well, the former head of drama at Willow Ridge High School. Oh, he was staring at it.

He used to hang mistletoe from it. Yeah, exactly. Why are they taking showers in drama class? Well, what play are they doing? I don't know what to do. All of a twist. It gets very physical. Well, he said the two 18-year-olds and one 15-year-old walked in on him

as he was, quote, warming up for a competition. He was in the shower before a competition? He said, we were preparing for Midmar, that's the mile swimming race, and I had a shoulder injury so I went to the shower to warm up.

Two of the boys wanted to check on me and walked in while I was drying my hair and I immediately covered up. This is not helping the stereotype that swimmers are gay, is it while I was drying my hair, and I immediately covered up. This is not helping the stereotype that swimmers are gay, is it? He's like fluffing out his hair like a lady. It's beautiful. He said the teens then hounded him for several months into helping them get a Prince Albert before he finally caved in and took them to a reputable studio.

Days later, he realized his mistake and informed the head teacher and the student. Two days. At first, he was like, what'd I do? What's the aha moment? What's the light bulb moment? He's like, oh, yeah, that's right. Oh, shit. It's watching the kids walk around the class

and hearing that. And then them squawking like, yeah, like winking at him. Yeah, we're a bunch of prized cows. He said, I agree 100% that I should not have got involved, but I was trying to make sure they were safe. There's nothing sexual about a Prince Albert. It was a bonding incident between the boys.

A bonding incident between the boys. It's true. Bonding offense. Before adding, the guys threatened to pierce themselves. Well, that's a bonding incident between the boys. Well, if you don't take us, I'm going to take a skewer and put it through my own penis, drama teacher. All right. Well, we better have somebody who flunked out of community college do that for you.

So we're going to go right down to the old Steve's Tattoo Shop. What did the piercer didn't say anything when an old man walks in with three taught young Dutch boys? And he's like, yeah, give them all, Albert. Yeah, they want it. They want it real big. I need to test out my magnets. Yeah. Yeah, I want it to pull on my hole as much as possible, Mr. Ogg.

Yeah, make the piercing about the size of my mouth. Yeah, that's good. Prince Albert is like in your dick, right? It's that crescent thing. It pops out, though. In the hole and out, right? And you pee sideways, and you have to sit down to pee after you get one. Why?

It's for when you pull out the piercing. Your drama teacher can stick his tongue up through the two holes. Right, right, right. And that's how you hit the high notes when you're going out for rent. Best teacher I ever had. Oh, my God. Mike Racine is just looking at a penis for the first time. Now you know how all the girls feel like when you send

the dick pics to them. A Prince Albert goes in through the pee hole and then out through the bottom of the cup. I like the one with the two ball bearings

in the pee pee hole. Yeah, there's one that looks like a little gerbil. That's kind of cute. It looks like a snake. He does look like a snake. I knew it.

See, there's one right here that has the Prince Albert in the, it has the Prince Albert through the hole, and then it has about seven steel rods going down the... To get hard, an Indian fella has to play a small flute, and it just snakes up. Someone's bottling mama's tomato sauce right there. They can't see it, Henry.

There's just a man with a protruding anus. Mark, get rid of that picture. That's how Prego's made. Oh, is that right? Listen right here with all the steel rods through it. I had a friend in college whose dick looked like that. When did he see his dick? How did you know that?

Huh? Why did you know that? Did you guys do drama together? No, I used to hang out at the tattoo shop all the time. He was the piercer there. And he had, I think, over 40 piercings all over his body. Was his name Bobby Fun? His name.

He sounds fun. They call it the rack. Yeah, yeah. I gave my own dick ribs. Now I can breathe. His name was Billy. Billy. Yeah, yeah.

Billy Fun. He started talking about his penis one day, and I got curious. As we all do. Yeah, as we all do. I was like, why'd you put it in your mouth, man? That's what happened. Because I got curious. Right, right, right.

And he was like, do you want to see it? I'm like, yeah, sure. And he showed it to him, and he looked a lot like that. It was weird. And I said, how do you fuck? And then how do you cum? Yeah. He said, very carefully.

Where does the jizz come out of? Where does the pleasure come out of? Where does that happen? It still comes out of the hole. It just kind of spurts a little bit. Kind of like putting your finger on a water hose. Yeah, because mine always comes out like a fucking gushing fire hose. Oh, yeah.

I've heard that about your semen. Do you get hard for the surgery, or do you do it flaccid with a flaccid penis? Do they stretch it out and then put it in? That, I don't know, but I can check out. Yeah, because then if you would get hard, and they gave it to you when you weren't hard. I could just go pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, and just shred your penis in half. See, that's the thing. Mine sort of, I always call it making the dog hungry, because mine just sort of almost

salivates out the hole. It just sort of dribbles out. Oh, when you cum. Yeah. Yeah. So let's go make the dog hungry. Make the dog hungry. And so your dick is the dog or the woman's pussy is the dog?

I don't know anymore. It's disgusting. Can he play it like a xylophone? I guess so. Maybe wash some clothes on it like an old-timey person. I think it's a steel drum. I think we're making Racine seriously ill right now. I was just thinking about how strong my piss and cum stream is.

You got a solid one? It's actually quite strong. No piercings on your dick, Racine? No. Clean dick, huh? Do you have that one bump, though? Do you have a big hole? I do have that one bump.

You know what? Racine has a huge bump on his cock. Let's see it. He'll show it to you if you want. It formed when I was like seven years old is the weird part. But you still send dick pics to all the girls. No. Well, a couple of them.

But even with that big lump on there, you're confident with it, though? Yeah. You ever get it checked out? Yeah, my doctor said if it wasn't gone by the time I was ten, they would remove it. And then they just never did? They decided to never bring it up ever again? No, they removed his cock, but they kept a lump. It's just like this really...

He was a bad doctor. Well, there are several different methods to perform a Prince Albert piercing, the most common of which is to insert a receiving tube into the urethra and then pierce from the chosen point on the outside into the receiving tube. From the inside to the outside? Yeah. The tube is then removed and the chosen jewelry is inserted behind the needle. Jewelry.

Only the finest. Alternatively, a canula, which is a hollow surgical tube, can be used to perform the piercing from the inside out. Oh, it's like a cannoli. Yeah. I love jewelry because you remember that movie blood steel stick that sticks in your cock it's a joke about blood diamond whoa a third method is what i love it so much blood steel stick okay but blood diamond is like a whole like thing

historical like right right it's ongoing no No, right, right, right. But the joke is, a steel stick? You know, when you talk, you're right. A blood steel stick. You're talking about a movie,

but it's still about the South African diamond trade? Don't be anti-Semitic. You murder a lot of people for those diamonds. No, don't get sad, Jackie. What happened to you? Your dad's not here.

Oh, God. He's not here. Oh, yes, yes. Never mind. Jackie had a hard day at Ikea today. That's why she's sad. Did you go to Ikea today? Unfortunately, I went to Ikea today.

Yeah, she went to our white people homeland. Yeah. Marcus, what are you learning about these penis piercings? Oh, I'm learning why it's actually called a Prince Albert. The most common story is that it was a so-called dressing ring used to pull the penis into tight-fitting fashions and that Prince Albert himself had one. What do you mean? Others have suggested that he wore it to keep his foreskin retracted and, quote, fresh smelling so as to not offend his queen. That's very nice of him, I guess.

Offend his queen. So they would, I mean, how tight were the pants these guys were wearing? Sort of like how a woman has to, like, squeeze into a girdle? They had to do that with their dick and they would pull on it? Well, some people say the story isn't true. Ah, okay. Yeah, that's half a folk tale. I see, I see.

I had, uh, did you guys have any piercings in high school? Can we get to the next story about diarrhea or whatever we're gonna talk about? Ooh, here's a better use. That'll make you comfortable.

Whatever you animals. This actually... You guys are the scum of the earth. What? Well, this one is likely. Uh, there is a, there's a story that Germanic warriors of the late medieval period wore these genital piercings in order to pull their genitals tightly between their legs in order to avoid sword injuries during combat. And also to fit in on Lady Day.

Did you have a piercing, Ben? I had my tongue pierced and my eyebrow pierced. Whoa! I was the coolest kid. And his my tongue pierced and my eyebrow pierced. Whoa! I was the coolest kid. And his fucking tongue pierced? Yeah. It helps him give head better.

Exactly. What was it, with like a battleship girder? Fucking big head. He's got a big head. Oh, I get it now. Oh, I'll tell you, I'm so happy we recorded our voices today because everyone is fun and funny. And we're all friends here. We're all friends here.

It's a different show. Yeah. On cavecomedyradio.com. Ah, don't listen to it. It's a terrible show. So, wait, wait. You had your tongue pierced. I went with my friends in high school.

Again, gay older brothers. It was weird. Eric was like, it's very cool to get your tongue pierced. Everybody gets their tongue pierced. So, Eric took me to get my tongue pierced. No, he just did the thing that he wanted his boyfriend to do. Yeah, but then Eric got his nipples pierced. So my older brother got his nipples

pierced. I got my tongue pierced. Did he cry? No, he was tough about it. He was hard. Really? Yeah, he loved it. Is that supposed to be the most painful one, even beyond Prince Albert's? Yeah, it doesn't actually hurt that much. The tongue's not bad. I went with my buddies in high school and watched them get their tongues pierced just because I was, like, curious to see that.

That was a thing that people did, right? That looks very painful. I had the biohazard thing, and I would give, like, the, you know, I would, like, stick on my tongue and be like, yeah, it was really cool. They took a needle, or they took, like, yeah, they took a needle, a steel needle, and just, like, whoop, and just put it right through the bottom. Yeah, like, it's like it's an hors d'oeuvre. It's like,

and then it's over. I had a buddy in high school that tried to pierce his own nipple. It got infected and fell off. The nipple? So he doesn't have one now? He's only got one. Hell yeah.

It's like just this weird little scar where his nipple used to be. That makes him exotic. And speaking of exotic, apparently that's what Amazonian women used to do. I didn't realize, in order for them to get their bow back, this is true,

they would cut off one of their tits. What? This is true. They had to get their bow, you know? So they could shoot the bow and arrow. Yeah, so they would cut off one tit so it didn't get in the way. I don't know.

That's true. That's true. Yeah. I'm no historian. Why don't you just act like a lady? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. Just be a lady. Cutting off their t I don't know. I don't know.

Just be a lady. Cutting off their tits so they can kill a random boar or something. Either way, yeah. My eyebrow pierced and tongue pierced. Very cool kid. Everyone, I had a lot of friends. And long hair. You did. And long hair, yeah.

You did have a lot of friends? Oh, yeah? Yes. And yes, when I make it up. I had my ears pierced. Gay. Both? Both.

Yeah. You had both, yeah. It was 1998. It's fine to be gay. Gay. Both? Both. Yeah. You're gay. It was 1998. It's fine to be gay, by the way, for our listeners. Oh, of course. A lot of our listeners are gay. For your three gay listeners. No, we have a very large gay following. I love all of our gay friends.

I had my balls pumped. Well, was that in high school? What I did was a man came with an air pump. He stuck it in my pee-pee hole and made my balls all big and hard. Really? Yeah. And what was the point of that?

What did he tell you? So I could make my dick fart. So you were like a human whoopee cushion. And everyone's like, oh, who's that funny guy? Seems like a long way to go for a simple fart joke. Jackie, can you corroborate this story? Fully extended my ball meat So now it's just all loose and fucking bad

Oh, interesting I didn't know that about you Luckily that's not the thing you pump with He did the same thing to his breast too He just shoved the pump inside of his mouth Until his breasts got bigger You're a fucking bitch He's fat like Ed

It's happening The showdown 2013 this is great the Zabrowski siblings finally take the gloves off and fucking

show it up Jackie's got grotesque feet this is good it's not true it's not true they're fine damn near

200 episodes in and we haven't phoned it in yet you know we're always doing great we're always top of our game. Marcus,

is there another story? We've got to get something for Racine because you've been... This is not the only story? No. Stop. We're going to get off of cocks.

We're going to get off of piercings. Unless, Mike, do you have anything you want to say about penises or piercings? I got, but no, I was going to say I got this excess skin

cut off my scrotum. Is that true? For cosmetic purposes. Really? Yeah, of course. Cosmetic. You have to have a plastic surgeon do that? Brilliant.

That's brilliant. I'm sure you had a wonderful day at work. A woman scientist in Warsaw, Poland. What? All right. Mike. That's not good. Don't applaud that.

Jesus. A woman scientist in Warsaw, Poland was arrested after police found over 100 dead animals in multiple freezers, as well as 72 malnourished cats roaming around inside the home in their own feces. According to police, the woman was obsessed with creating a new breed of dog, a real-life Frankenstein dog, by experimenting on dead and live dogs. However, after multiple failed attempts at creating a living Frankenstein dog by experimenting on dead and live dogs. However, after multiple failed attempts at creating a living Frankenstein dog from dog parts,

she decided to switch to cats. I love the decision-making process. Man, these dogs' noses keep falling off, the eyes keep rolling out of their fucking skulls. I bet if I sew a couple of these cat pussies together, that's going to work. Yeah, that's going to make a dog. Fuck dogs.

Oh my God, that's a problem. I just got to fucking cut out the stomach of these cat pussies together. That's going to work. Yeah, that's going to make a dog. Oh, fuck dogs. That's the problem. Oh, my God, that's the problem. I just got to fucking cut out the stomach of this cat, and I got to put it on the head of this other cat. Was she trying to make a dog with the cats, or was she trying to make a cat with the cats? She was trying to make a cat with the cats. And apparently, when the cats didn't work out,

she just opened up a Chinese food restaurant. Nope, not acceptable. Not an acceptable answer. More special, double cat. You can't just set yourself up for Asian accents. Yeah, you can't. You're just setting yourself up to do it. Only when... No.

It's like, more special. It's the only accent he does. We can't even mention cats without someone making a hacky Chinese cat joke. There's 1.2 billion Asian people in the world. I just don't know what to say. Cats are running around the United States, right? We run around, you see cats everywhere.

When I see Google Map video of fucking China, I don't see a single cat anywhere. So they're all being eaten. Yeah, that's good. Okay. Yeah. And being kept in little cat jails. I do believe they're probably being kept in cat jails for political reasons. That's possible. They all have blogs. They're all

dissenting. So this is unfortunate. It was very bad. That's good. Let's see here. So this woman's making a dog out of dogs and a cat out of cats, but she failed all the time. And this is illegal, apparently. This is very illegal. She's being charged with animal cruelty and

using cats and dogs for a legal experiment. She was trying to bring them back to life. Apparently in Poland, that is an actual law. You cannot use cats and dogs for a legal experiment. They should send people to Poland to, like, work that place out. Isn't where... That's where Auschwitz is, isn't it? Poland? In Poland?

Yeah. Yeah, they should just send some specialists out there. I mean, they did lose their water. Yeah, just look at all of it and just figure out how everything got twisted, turny, and mixed up and bad. Well, they lost, what, the top 20 members of their government in a plane crash? That's right, a couple of years ago. Right.

So that was probably a big part of it. Because Leslie Wilson was flying the plane, you know? If that didn't happen, there would be no Auschwitz. Yeah. That is true. There you go. Maybe it's just cleaner, better cleaning supplies or something. Well, the gruesome scene was uncovered by police

after a few locals complained of foul odors and odd noises coming from the scientist woman's residence. Just sounds like, yeah, what does a bunch of cats getting murdered just sound like constantly? We wish you a Merry Christmas. There's something very weird going on in Becky's apartment. It's November. It's not even close to Christmas.

Honey, as soon as I figure out how to open my own front door, I'm going to do something about this. Poland. Mike, this whole episode really relies... I'm sorry, what's that? It relies on you being funny. If she wants to know about animal cruelty, she should talk to Henry and Jackie's dad. God damn it.

What is happening here? Awful. Awful. No, it was good. I don't fully understand, but I like it. Oh, because Jackie's dad was... Oh, yes. We're the animals.

Great. We're the animals. Yes, perfect. I remember when Daddy tried to make me and Jackie one sibling. Oh, that's great. Do you remember that, with how the other siblings went and what happened with them? I think I have to leave. Is Jackie done?

Ed's made a ham? Ed's made a ham. Ed's made a ham. It smells like soup. He's got hair all over the parts of him that shouldn't have hair. Oh, I love that. No hair on the parts that should have hair. God, that's funny.

Tell us how Ed's trying to get to the meat store. Oh, man, he tried to get to the meat store, but he fell in love with a pig. On the way to the meat store. Oh, my God. I thought he got to the meat store, and they just shaved him up and sold him. Isn't that sad? You are the meat store, Eddie. Let me up and sold him. Isn't that sad? You are the meat store, Eddie. Let me try again.

You want to try, Mike? Okay, Mike, this entire show relies on you being funny. Fucking Polacks. Oh, Zebrowskis. Yeah. They got screen doors on their submarine.

Oh, my God. Because, of course, that would allow in water and the submarine would sink. Ed's fatter than Bowser from Super Mario Bros. That's great. That's fat.

This is so fat. But he bombs a little bit more. So she was trying to combine living dogs with dead dogs? Yeah, that's the weird thing. Wait, wait, wait. Knock, knock. Who's there? Polish burglar.

Oh, Polish burglar who? No, that's the joke. That's the whole joke. Oh. Because you don't let... No, that's the joke. That's the whole joke. Oh. Because you don't let... You read that off the internet! Did you guys hear the one about the Polish guy who locked his keys in his car? What happened?

He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out. Oh, these are getting better and better. That was an abortion joke, right? Was it an abortion joke? Yes. I used to have a friend in high school he was polish we were great friends marcus how do you do time on this episode how does a podcast work and what do you do i think we're

doing a great job oh are we oh my god i just i know what you guys are talking about i'm having a fantastic time. Me too. Yeah. I mean, obviously, everyone listens. We're all friends. Our fans are friends, and we're all friends with our fans. And this is a point where the fans are just like, why the fuck?

We're friends like these. You know? Anyway, I gotta go. If you're listening to this right now. Let him deal with this. I'm not. What? What happened?

Oh, you want me to keep on going? Oh, I'll save the show. Oh, I'll save the show. Oh, I'll save the show. This is like if the insane clown posse was less funny. Mike Racine, he's back, everybody. Mike Racine is fucking back on track. All right. So do we want to talk about this Frankenstein dog anymore?

I feel like it's a funny story, but it's tough to make jokes about it, I guess. It seemed like it was for Henry. It's bigger than an ice cream truck. That's great. And he has more lard inside of him. That's good. Except children won't come near him because his dick's out.

That's perfect. That's perfect. I swear to fucking cheese stain. Cheese stain overalls. Oh my god, that's really fun. Well, we can move on. That's great. There's been enough horrifying images discussed.

Yeah, yeah. I've got a horrifying image for you. An actor slit his throat on stage when the prop knife for a suicide scene turned out to be a real one. Hell yeah, one less actor. Make room for me. Henry, he was cast as a lead. Yeah! Yeah!

Oh yeah, Henry! Oh yeah, Henry! Fucking Barb! What? It's a Shakespearean insult. Yes. Yeah. Sounds like a murder. It's a Shakespearean insult. Yes. Yeah. Sounds like murder.

I didn't mean for the silence to happen when I was saying that. I thought people were going to keep going with it. What was the play that he was in? Let's see here. It doesn't actually say what the play is. Daniel Hovel's 30 slumped over with blood pouring from his neck while the audience broke into applause at the special effect. Police are investigating whether the knife was a mistake or a murder plot. Much like Bruce Lee, I believe, right?

He was shot. Brandon Lee. No, and I thought, wasn't Brandon Lee's father also shot on set? That's just a shame. He had a weird, mysterious death. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, some say that he died because he was allergic to marijuana.

It caused his brain to swell up. Whoa. And that's why he died. Oh, dude. No, no, no. We're going to do this without that. He wasn't Asian. He wasn't being Asian.

Yeah, he wasn't being Asian. Do it again. I wasn't being Asian. Oh, what was it? Do it again. Be a stone dude. Oh, be a stone dude. Yeah.

Okay. Oh. No, no. All right. No. Oh, tell me. Why. Yeah. Okay. Oh. No, no. All right. No. No. Why didn't you tell me? It's my brain.

It's spreading. All right. I'm over it. Marcus, please. Move on. We gotta cool it, guys. Jesus. We gotta cool it.

Christ. I didn't even do most of it. You're fine. It doesn't matter. I didn't even do it the first place. It's fine. All right. Things went wrong at Viennesburg Theater

as Huffle's character went to kill himself in the final scene of Friedrich Schiller's Mary Stewart about Mary, Queen of Scots. It was only when he did not get up to take a bow that anyone realized something had gone wrong. Though bleeding profusely, Huffle survived because the knife missed the cartored

artery. He was a terrible actor. He wasn't fucking committed. Get with it. The one officer told Austrian TV News, the rumors are wild, with some claiming that he was the victim of a jealous rival. Somebody was like, alright, get up,

you actor, We get it. They're definitely the understudy. Oh, yeah, absolutely. He just had a bunch of rubber knives in his pocket. That's how you know it was him because the real knife was on stage. Why would he have more than one rubber knife? Why don't you have three rubber knives?

Why would he have more than one? Oh, my God. Are we serious right now? You guys are coming after me. Okay, fine. Let's redo the... Marcus, edit out all that. Oh, he was just the guy with one rubber knife in his pocket

because there was only one knife on the fucking play. Jesus Christ, we're gonna... I'm just saying your premise is flawed. It was... Mark, well, there was a guy who died on stage. On the last podcast page, somebody posted it. Who was that guy? I did.

He died of a heart attack. I posted that comedian. He died for real. Was it that guy? I did. He died of a heart attack. I posted that comedian. He died for real. Was it that magician guy? Yeah. Everyone applauds. Is that how you want to die or is that not how you want to die? Of course.

That sounds great. So that's okay. If you're dying of a heart attack and everyone's just like, love it. Yeah, they were laughing and laughing at him. And you know, Tiny Tim died on stage. Did he? The guy that sang Tiptoe Through the Tools? Of course.

He died on stage of a heart attack. Good for him. I had no idea. That's the way to go out, man. Yeah. He got married on the Johnny Carson show. Moliere died on stage. Did he? The guy that sang Tiptoe Through the Tool? Of course. He died on stage of a heart attack. Good for him. I had no idea. That's the way to go out, man. He got married on the Johnny Carson show. Moliere died on stage. Boo! That was said very authoritatively. It was. I don't even know if it's true.

Moliere did, yeah. It's true now. Yeah. Did you all know Moliere died on stage? Did all of you know who Moliere is? Yeah, he wrote The Mysterians. He does that Spanish chocolate sauce. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah.

Moliere, yeah. Holy Christ. Oh, my God. You know what? Hovels, he declared the show must go on and returned to the stage on Sunday night with a bandage tied around his neck. Oh, he lived. Good for him. Yeah, he lived. Good for him. Yeah, he lived.

And he did the same scene. He just did it for attention. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he's world... I mean, we're talking about him. Is he a famous 30-year-old actor? Let's stop giving this guy what he wants.

Next story. He's going to keep doing it if we keep doing it. Yeah. He probably did it himself. He probably set it up for himself. Yeah. Yeah. He probably did.

Just for this story. We all know the name of Daniel Huffles now. Huffles? Huffles. Huffles. Huffles. Daniel Huffles? He's not going to make it.

He's Austrian. Huffles. Oh, he's not Dutch? No, he's Austrian. So he's doing a play, 30 years old, in Austria? Or Australia? Austria. Austria?

Oh, he's not going to make it. Because they have to do plays there because they don't have television. Oh, that's true. Yeah, they don't have plumbing or anything, right? Like, same with Poland. Yeah, they do shit in old, cold dirt mounds. Yeah, they sleep in dirt beds on dirt pillows. Yeah, eating, you know, bananas that they stole from trucks.

Eating their own fingernails. I mean, they just pick fleas out of each other's hair and feed them to their dirty children. They live in their thatched huts and they wait for it to rain so they can drink the water. I've heard that. You know, this all just makes me think, like, who runs the government? The monkeys. Oh, I got a monkey story!

That's great. Oh, Ed made the papers? Yeah! Oh, yeah! That's it. He's bigger than the White House. Oh, that's great. I was just going to ask,

how fat is Ed? He's fatter than the fucking, he can't fit into his own shoes because his feet are so big so he has to wear the fucking shoeboxes around. Yeah, he's bigger than a monkey. Oh, my God. He buys shoes but throws away the shoes and just wears the shoeboxes?

Hey, let's get to the... He's a Hollywood Sasquatch. Oh, I love it. Police in Grand Junction, Colorado, are seeking a man who allegedly pepper-sprayed a woman in the face and then stole her pet monkey. The woman, who traveled from Missouri to Colorado to sell her black-capped cappuccino monkey

met the suspect Monday in the parking lot of a La Quinta Inn motel with her primate. La Quinta Inn? Yeah. You can't bring a monkey into La Quinta. No. You never been to a La Quinta? They're the worst.

No, they're pretty good. No, they're worse than Hampton's. Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, because that's how old you've got to be in there so you can fuck for legal. Oh, yeah. Oh, well. Maybe it's that's how old you got to be in there so you can fuck for legal. Oh, yeah. Oh, well. Maybe it's a better place than I thought.

Is it the 15? I think that's Quince. What? La Quinta. Oh, yeah. Quinta means- What does La Quinta mean? Yeah, shit made house.

Oh, okay. Okay, I'll take that. Well, she met the suspect Monday in the parking lot of the La Quinta Inn Motel with her primate in a carrier. The man then sprayed the woman in the face, grabbed the carrier, and fled the scene on foot. Porras said the woman had communicated with the man online in text messages and phone calls. This is the easiest guy to find, right? He's the one with the monkey that's screaming.

Yeah, he's the only one with a monkey. They haven't found him yet. Yeah, but I bet she stole that monkey. You think so? Are you blaming the victim? Yeah. He probably knew it. He's probably I bet she stole that monkey. You think so? Are you blaming the victim? Yeah. He probably knew it. He's probably the original owner of said monkey. He knew he could get away with it in La Quinta

because no one cares about a La Quinta. And the thing is that monkeys only respect you if you steal them. That is also true. You need to earn their respect. I agree. Did it say that she sprayed him in the face? No, he sprayed her in the face. And there was two crimes here

because it is illegal to own a primate in the state of Colorado. So she's already a criminal. She's a criminal, yeah. Yeah, but she traveled there, though, right? I mean, it's illegal just to own it, have it in your possession. Now, is this one of these pussy-eating monkeys?

Is that what this monkey's for? Wait. So you can smoke weed in Colorado, but you can't own a monkey? I mean, America. What's more fun to do than get stoned and play with your monkey? Yeah. I don't know what goddamn country it is. It's wrong. I'm a pussy eating monkey. You're a pussy eating monkey?

Alright, I mean, just so you guys know, we had to edit out a joke that Mike said, and now he's Mike said. No, because. And now he's pouting. No, it's not because of that. I'm disappointed in myself. Because obviously what I said was offensive.

Which is quite shocking. And you know what? I'm trying to. Quite shocking for this show. I really am trying to be a better person. We're trying to take it easy. I apologize. I think it's great.

Yeah, you said next to Ben Kissel, you know, puss and goop gets on you. But look, that guy is a savage. Can we be honest? I mean, we're not. Are you Ben Kissel? All right, we're moving on. We're moving on. Ben Kissel is a savage.

That's anti-Semitic. There we go. Still on this? it's been a week my parents are going to synagogue Ben found out he's a quarter Jew I'm not quarter Jewish

I'm half Jewish you're not half Jewish it was your grandfather yes I am no your dad's half Jewish yeah and I'm part of my dad so you're a quarter Jew

so you're a quarter Jewish I'm a don't you know how math works ah please yeah dumb Ben you dumb fuck You're a quarter Jew? You're a quarter Jewish. I'm a... Don't you know how math works? Uh, please. Yeah, dumb Ben. You dumb fuck. You ain't Jewish at all, because Jews be good at math.

All right, all right. That's a positive stereotype. That's like, I saw Ed Larson in the coffee shop the other day. He didn't know what an Americano was. And then he goes, what's that? It's got espresso in it. I go, were you born in a fucking barn? He was. What's wrong with you? He I go, were you born in a fucking barn? He was.

What is wrong with you? He was. He grew up drinking soup cut out from a gourd. Yeah, he just ate the can of soup. He ate it with it. Yeah. Yeah. It was in the can.

Like a goat or something. Like a goat. He's a goat man. Like a goat man. And actually, Ed Larson was a great goat man on the last podcast. He was. He was a great, man. And actually, Ed Larson was a great goat man on the last podcast. He was. He was a great goat man. He sprayed lettuce all over the entire front row from his mouth.

Very fun. He really showered people in some nice green lettuce. He really did. Yeah. How fat is he? He's so fat, you know, that he makes me look a little bit less fat. He's bigger than time itself. And time is so big.

It's everlasting. Right? He has to itself. And time is so big. It's everlasting. Right? He has to go on a diet for his knees. That's how fat Ed is. Next story. Some call it empowering. Others call it belittling. What is it?

Is this a little person story? The Extreme Midget Wrestling Federation. It's the Mighty Tic Tac versus the Weasel. Oh, my goodness. I love that Tic Tac. Why do they have a slur in their name? Oh, well, that's what the story's all about. It was founded in Oklahoma four years ago and has gone on to sell out venues across the United States,

including the Riviera Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, said creator and producer Skyler Ward. To the La Quinta Inn. Yeah, coming to the La Quinta Inn parking lot near you. Ward said, I was booking entertainment at nightclubs and I wasn't proud of what I was doing because I didn't feel like the clubs were really making money. What was he booking there that makes him proud of doing extreme midget wrestling? Just shows where horses were getting their throats slapped. I guess so.

Just horses skewering midgets with their throats. Yeah, make sure you put the real knife on stage. Mr. Hands. Word said, so I started thinking, what has not been marketed? And it was midget wrestling. Uh-huh. Brilliant. I've never heard of that before. Yeah. Yeah. Despite being

labeled as degrading by the Little People of America organization, words to the EMWF continues to grow in popularity. Yeah, those people still line up to get their checks. That's for certain. That's right, Henry. What checks? I feel like it was a political point. And the

void in my soul was filled when I founded Midget Wrestling. I woke up with a purpose. I think this is great, though, for the little folks out there. Get to rock and roll, be a superstar. On Saturday, the controversial show will make its first Canadian appearance at the O'Brien's Event Center in Saskatoon. Oh, Saskatoon. Yeah, Ward maintains that the EMWF seeks to be supportive

rather than mean-spirited. He said, our show is not derogatory. These guys go from kids looking at them and pointing at them in the McDonald's, and then the next thing you know, they're up in the ring and they're superstars. That's what I'm saying. That's great.

All those kids in Saskatoon pointing at the midgets at McDonald's. And he's all the way up to the first rope and he's jumping off. I want to make a wrestling show that's just like me wrestling little kids. It's like me just grabbing up little kids, like little boys. You get them pierced after? No, you're just pinning them down with my body. Just getting them all stiff.

Not stiff. I mean, they're all just stiff. They're laying stiff like a board. All right, is that enough time to convict him? Come on in, boys. The FBI just raids the place. I'm going to go home and sleep with my wife. That's Clue.

I love the end of Clue. It's one of the best. Tim, you're from Canada. You know something about Saskatoon. How is this town? I've never been to Saskatoon, but I have been to the west where Saskatoon is. And it's very conservative, very weird. There's nothing to do there.

So it makes sense to me. Not anymore. We have some great live events coming to town. Yeah, next Saturday. Be there. Is this like a midgets wrestling in barbed wire and thumb tacks? Is that what this is? It doesn't say.

It's extreme, but it doesn't say exactly what the method of wrestling is. The president of the Little People of Canada Saskatchewan branch, Heidi Hurley, said she has I know. Heidi Hurley. At your service. Heidi Hurley. At your service.

She said that we tie the midgets together until they fight for food. That's different. That's different than this. Thank you, Heidi Hurley. She said she has one main qualm with the event, and that's the use of the term midget. She said, I hate that word. I honestly do.

She said it is typically used as an offensive slur, which makes her unsure of the EMWF's motives. She said, some people might go to gawk and laugh, and others might go for the same reason they go to regular wrestling. To gawk and laugh? What does she think that people do at wrestling shows? Laugh at people's pain. Little people, though? Is that really a better term? Can I say something?

I've been trying to be a better person lately. Oh, God. What are you about to say? Every single time you say how you're going to be a better person, you just say something really disgusting. Tends to be the case. And by the way, everyone, welcome to Microscene's annual I'm trying to be a better person.

I know. Have you ever not been trying to be a better person? Oh, man. You try so hard at something you fail so bad at. Have you ever not been trying to be a better person? Oh, man. You try so hard at something you fail so bad at. It's really bizarre. It reminds me of when I was trying to learn math. Yeah.

Now that you've given us the preamble, what do you get? All right. I just think if they don't like the term midget, if they're the ones saying we don't like this term, what's so hard about changing it? Yeah, just change the name. It's arrogant to be like, no, it's still midget. That was a nice thing to say. I know! Mike Racine is a very sweet man.

Do I do this every year? Do I do this every year? I was thinking about that I need to go back to church today, actually. So what's a better term for midget? Let's come up with one right now. But little person, I think that sounds ridiculous. That's what they want to be.

Fraggle. Yes, a fragger. Oh, fragget. A fragget? No, a fraggle, like fraggle rock, because they were all like little tiny guys. I think we'll call them fraggles. That's what they want to be called. A squatty.

A squatty is good. Squatties are fun. A people. Yeah, I mean, I like, yeah, I mean, there's a bunch of different kinds. Do little people get shot put still? Well, they do in Florida. Well, there's a thing called dwarf tossing, and it's a very interesting situation. Florida banned it, but then there was a lawsuit brought on by a little fella, and he fought.

That is so much worse. That is so much worse. It's so much worse. Can I say something? He brought the lawsuit saying, I want to be tossed, and I have the right to be tossed, and then they overturned the law. So now Dwarf tossing his back. Yeah, Mike, you can say something. He fought for the right to be tossed.

I just farted. You farted? I thought it was going to be louder. You wanted to fart into the microphone? That was your big thing? I thought it was going to be much louder. Are you eight? What happened to you?

We're all little pepperonis. No, that's bad. Little ronis. Little raviolis. Come here, you little roni accountant. I like raviolis too much. I get to be myself. This is yourself?

Let's call them the opposite. Let's call them biggins. Bigger people. Make them feel good. Stronger. Strongies. Yeah. Fat squadies. I think squadies is perfect. Little get-arounds.

I mean, you know. Are you just looking at girls dancing over there? Little girls Irish dancing? Are you looking at little people? No, no, no. I'm looking at shortdwarf.com where we can rent a dwarf. You're going to rent them? I want to buy one.

Yeah. Booking dwarfs for birthdays, special events, promotional marketing, and on-camera talent. Limited short supply. That's good. Is there a website where we can buy a dwarf for sexual reasons? I'm sure. That's just a prostitute.

Yeah, but why would you put a dwarf in a Santa costume? Just say prostitute. See, this is the whole problem. This is why midgets... I'm sorry, little people need an anti-defamation league. Because people think that you can buy them for money. And half of them is a slave. You've got to treat them like they're people.

They do have one. It's called the... What is it? The little people's... I might have a midget fetish, to be honest with you. You've been jacking off to some small folks porn. When I see one on the street, it turns me on. Well, then let me buy you a midget, man.

It really does. You'll like it. I'm kind of turned on by midgets. I'm not a big guy. I'm 5'8". So you want to have just a nice little gnomish kind of lady there. I think they've got normal-sized dicks and vaginas. Well, the only way to find out. I think they got normal-sized dicks and vaginas. Well, I mean, I'm a gnomish scientist.

I'm going to Google sexy midget right now. That's fine. Don't you just have it saved in your bookmarks? Marcus, you do it. I mean, I'm way ahead. He's way ahead. No, and of course, we know Mighty Midget. Oh, yeah, these are all the traditional pictures.

She's actually kind of hot. That midget porn star. That one? Yeah, she is. Well, and she's taken a lot. They do have normal-sized vaginas. Come on. Yeah, it's the same one.

I don't know about that one, man. Oh, that's from the TLC show. It's tough. It's tough to be that little. She's attractive, I suppose. Oh, and then they have a couple Just kids mixing in That's great to fucking see

Look at that one Right there No next The one over That's not That's not a man That's a normal That's Lana Del Rey

That's acid BJ Yeah Alright let's stop Just looking at porn here Let's just This is like the third episode In a row that just devolved Into looking at porn

It always does It always does It always does At one point in the middle of the show There's somebody who wants to just look at a pair of tits But that's fine I don't know who it is Maybe he's holding a mouse right now in front of the computer I'm not sure if it's Marcus

Are my ears burning? Marky Marky Someone talking about me? Yes somebody is But I'm sure Midget Wrestling sounds like a wonderful organization. And if you're in Saskatoon this weekend on Saturday, get out there and support your little friends. Yeah, get done building your ice houses and go see some wrestling.

Extreme. Midget Wrestling. I'm sorry. Because it's in Canada. It's Canadians. No, Canadians are not a race. On the other hand, I don't see why that's a slur, though. You know what I mean?

I don't understand it for you. Yeah, they should be called M&Ms. I never saw midget as being, like, whenever I referred to midgets as midgets in the past, I never, it's like retarded. Come on, just let me say it. It's not even as bad, it's not even, honestly, it's not even as bad as retarded, though. Yeah, yeah. Because the N-word is used to demean somebody,

but you don't say midget for that. I love our cousins, but our cousins... I use the word midget to demean them. Do you see? Our cousins are retarded, but they are. Retarded.

No, my... Retarded. That's the thing. They are. That word perfectly captures what retarded... But the thing about it is... We went to a three hour long Russian Orthodox

retarded wedding with two retarded retarded groom and retarded bride and it was that's the technical term retarded people yeah

I think the problem with retarded is that it's a funny word yeah yeah it's a great word yeah so it's like if you call someone retarded

and moms hate fun yeah if you call someone retarded you're like inherently making fun of them. Right. I mean, you're not, but I understand. Basically, I think what it is is like if you say to somebody, hey, you're a retard, it's like saying that retarded people are stupid, which they are, but you know what I mean? They're just different.

They're different. It's like saying- They're smart in certain ways. You know, like- In the ways of the heart. They are. I mean, they are smart in the ways of the heart, though, because they hug you and they love you.

You can't go root for your football team if they're 30 or if they're 40. Or if they're 80. It doesn't matter. I'll tell you what, man. Ship them off to fucking Poland. They'll become king of the country. King of the Poles. King of the Poles King of the poles.

It's fucking ridiculous out there. It is. It is ridiculous, but it's true. No, there are a great bunch of people out there. I would love to watch a retarded extreme wrestling league. Extreme retard wrestling. Oh, my God. That would be brutal.

It sounds pretty much like the credits because they don't feel pain. He's just shooting the other guy in the face. The match is over because we have a double seizure. Double seizure on the barbed wire. You know the average age for people with Down syndrome is 55 years? I think that's great. Life expectancy? Yeah.

That's way too old. I'm sorry. It's because they keep wandering up know, railroad tracks into hay pulling machines where they just dance themselves to death. I was on stage the other night and I go,

I have a retarded, an autistic brother and this girl goes, oh, me too. I go, how old is he? She goes, 48. I'm like, they live that long?

I was like, you know. It is interesting to know. Forever young. It's too old. That means I'm going to be taking care of him until I'm like 55. Oh yeah, no, you're going to take care of him for the rest of your life. That's too old. That means I'm going to be taking care of them until I'm like 55.

Oh, yeah. No, you're going to take care of them for the rest of your life. That's the nice thing about having public servants. Have you guys ever seen two people with Down syndrome just go at it on the bus or the subway? Oh, yeah. I actually did on the subway. I've seen it on the subway and I've seen it in real life because we used to have a couple of Down syndrome foster brothers and sisters and stuff.

And yeah, I mean, they are sexual people interested it makes my blood curdle it's kind of gross but you know most horrifying things you could ever imagine the reason why they're very sexually interested is because they don't have the same social mores that we do right they just don't well i mean i've been on the l train at 1 a.m you know there's some non-retarded people who don't have many of those social mores either. You ever see one go, like, snorkeling? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, man. I don't think...

Because they don't really appreciate the fish or the coral as much as they're, like, snorkeling. What were you going to say? I don't even know. I don't know either. I think at this point we're just being mean. Is that what's happening? This might be the meanest episode. I think we're just spreading truth, man. We that what's happening? This might be the meanest episode. We're just spreading truth, man.

We're just spreading truth. This might be the meanest episode we've ever done. I mean, it's up there. And it's Canadian. We've got a Canadian in the place. You would think we'd be nicer. And he's the meanest one of all. I know, Tim.

You said the meanest stuff. I was on the bus one time, and I saw these two Down Syndrome people going at it. And the guy lifted up the girl's shirt, and they were just like, it was just tits out on the city bus. And then what did you do after you came? It's like one of my worst memories. I could not help myself. I had to jack off. I mean, it was just...

You gotta do it. I'm on a bus up there. You gotta do it. Well, let's go to Wisconsin for our next story. Oh, great. Well, this is only going to lead to positive news. Yeah, it's just more retards fucking. It's not that inaccurate.

Police rushed to a Kenosha neighborhood after a caller reported seeing a clown terrorizing kids late at night. A woman living nearby heard screams coming from the woods across the street from her home. Soon after, she saw the man pulling the two young children. She said he was grabbing them around their arms, dragging them. Then he came up and asked for a lighter. The children told police Brown came home from a Halloween party late Saturday night.

They maintained Brown wanted to take them for a walk on the train tracks. God! The kids claimed the man made them drink alcohol until they became sick. One child told officers Brown dangled him over an overpass. Or from an

overpass. He's having a good time. It's Halloween. Yeah, it's Wisconsin. I mean, you start drinking young. And I want to say, Wisconsin people are wonderful people. And I was just joking around. When did you have your first drink? Twelve. Alone. Yeah, me too. Wait, was it his kids? I don't think it was his kids.

They were just hanging out. He was dressed as a clown. They went on a ride. Where did he find the kids? It was his girlfriend's kids. He just take it off for a good time. It's like going to Coney Island with your dad. He was just hanging out. He was dressed as a clown. He went on a ride. Where did he find the kids? It was his girlfriend's kids. Oh, okay. He just take it off for a good time. It's like going to Coney Island with your dad. Yeah. It sounds similar to when you went to Coney Island with your dad.

That's for sure. Except it's walking down train tracks with your mom's boyfriend. It's seeing the trains. Yeah. Up close. Kind of coming at you really fast, but you're too drunk to move. Yeah. I think this is a great, great night out in Wisconsin. It's Kenosha. I know Kenosha well, and there you're too drunk to move. Yeah. I think this is a great night out in Wisconsin.

It's Kenosha. I know Kenosha well. There's not a lot to do. This fellow was just trying to create... When you had your first drink when you were 12, was that the drink that you got drunk or was that when you first tasted alcohol? As I always say, you fuck to come, you drink to drink to get drunk.

You're drunk right now. That's just the worst I've ever heard. You sound like a senator about to kill a boy. No, no, man. You drink to cum, you drink to drink, to get drunk. You drink to drink, to get drunk. I got a nice Ted Kennedy-sized head here. I'm going to get that put on your fucking tombstone.

You drink to get drunk. You fucked it, cum. You drink to drink to get drunk. You get drunk. You fucked it, cum. You eat to shit. You drink. You drink.

You eat to shit? Yeah, yeah. It's relieving. Wild. Wild. It's just nice to have the privacy. Yeah, exactly. It's just a way to get away from her.

Oh, really? Prometic. I don't even. I don't know. That's where I used to hide from my dad. Oh, my God. We're at the segment? It's time for a segment.

I don't know what else to do. We're at the segment, everybody. Oh, my God. What a day. What a day. It's educational toys for children. Yeah.

Mine's gonna be drugs. No, I should think of something. Fuck it. Are you pulling a me on your own segment? No, I was gonna pull a you. Well, it's all pulling me. Okay, this is what it is. This is what it is, alright? What's the point of this?

It's called... Is there, like, is... There's no point to this. Marcus is a multi-billion dollar fucking toy salesman. He's going to put your shit in his bullshit. No, this is... I own a bunch of charter schools. Yeah, there you go.

This is going to be something that I put in all my charter schools. Absolutely. Jesus Christ. Mine's called... That noise you heard was Ben... Ripping through the bass drum. Tumbling through my bass drum. I got my toy.

I know my toy now. All right. It's called What It's Like to Be Polish. All right? And it comes with a fucking hammer and a bottle of whiskey. So you just... The kid drinks the entire bottle of whiskey and then bashes his head with the hammer. And then he'll know what it feels like to think like a fucking person in that fucking god forsaken

country. Great. That's perfect. Thank you. You know we're Polish. Jackie and I are Polish. Yeah but you're half like something else right? We're a bit of a mashup. Yeah. Oh yeah we got three Polish Italians

here. Sure but the Italian cancels it out. Italians are beautiful it out. I don't know. Or does it make it worse? I think Italians, I love the art, I love the food. We're pretty barbaric, though. That's true. Even today. That's true.

But the art is good. You guys had Michelangelo. Yeah, we did have Michelangelo. I remember, yeah, Cowabunga. Yeah, right? Right? Yeah, Ninja Turtles. Dude.

Yeah. Who wants to go for some pizza after this? I do. I do. I do. And so that's the thing. And so they learn what it's like to be there, and then they'll never go there, and everyone wins.

Okay. Yeah. Mike. All right. This is a water pistol, and it's basically designed to teach children about the Second Amendment and the importance of it and how it actually protects us from tyranny. Just because the reason that we can have guns is because you can't disarm your population and just have the keep the guns for the government. It's not really what this country was founded on.

When you take the guns away, when you outlaw guns, the only people who have them are criminals, and it comes with a pamphlet. I'm just so shocked you have this point of view. Just instead of shooting water, it shoots bullets. So you just want to use a gun. I think that already is being sold in Chicago.

All right, so we're just going to flood my charter schools with guns. Yeah. And Second Amendment pamphlets. I have one. Do you want me to read that? I mean, so far you're being Holden. Well, if a kid gets shot, yeah, I believe in it more than the bad one. Oh, my toy?

For children? Educational? Yeah, educational for children. You liberals think that you just know better than anybody else. I'm down with guns. Don't shoot my family. I want a net gun. It shoots like an electronic net.

So then you're going to fucking capture Ed because he's the size of a hippo or something like that. Yeah, because he's big. Because he's big. Yeah,o or something like that. Yeah, because he's big. Because he's big. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Internet. Yeah,

that's an idea. I don't know, guys. I feel like, you know, he's going to have some health problems later on.

It's probably, we shouldn't be. You know, he's already got like an egg of diabetes somewhere in that fucking thick intestinal rope

he's got. Yeah. You know? I mean, we shouldn't be making life hard because it enables him. Guys,

I heard, he told me his blood pressure is 490 over 380 and I was like I don't know he said yeah apparently it's the same as like a Chevy engine of the pressure interesting wow

that is great normal blood pressure is 117 over 76 490 over 385 490 over 385 Great. Normal blood pressure is 117 over 76. And he's at a what? 490 over 385. 490 over 385. Yeah. It's been pretty intense for him.

Yeah. I love you, Ed. Let's see here. An idea for a toy. Didn't even think about it for a fraction of a second. It's tough to do these. You just literally have to take about three-fourths of a second.

The thing that kids like are dolls. The thing that you want kids to know. Yeah, that's where you start. What's a thing you'd like to teach children? Just give me that. We'll do a thing called Beer Kenny. What's a value that you have? A personal value.

I don't know. There's so much silence. I don't know. It doesn't matter. All right. No, I'm just saying. You're a godless savage. No. Let's see matter. All right. No, I'm just saying. You're a godless savage. No.

Let's see here. Kid's toy. A joke from hundreds of years ago. Still even do it. How many weeks have we been doing this show? I'm trying, my bad. How many weeks? It's not weeks. It's two and a half years.

I know. There has been a segment on every show. A nice thing for a thing. Actually, it's been over three years. You tarp it, and then you put some water on there. A slip and slide. A slip and slide. But the thing is, you don't put any water on there.

So it teaches them to read? Yeah, it teaches them to make sure they do it themselves. Are we not liquids? I think we're good. Yeah, we're fine. Is that a 10? I'll come up with a different one. Not now, but I will.

I would like to teach children how to debate and how to confront their demons and how to deliberate their way through to any solution. So it's going to be called the Fun Times with a Z Water Board. So it's going to be called the Fun Times with a Z Waterboard. And basically it's going to be a box, like a fun time box, that's got fun images inside of it. Well, how do we know it's fun? Is it confetti and there's like paint and laser guns? It's like pictures of like clowns and like, yeah, it's like pictures of kids having fun, like all smiling. Yeah.

And you put them in the box and like if it's like, oh, they won't sleep in their bed every night. You put them in the box. You put's like, oh, they won't sleep in their bed every night, you put them in the box you put the Fun Times pillowcase over their head and you throw the water on their face. Oh, it's a waterboard kit. So it's Fun Times waterboard and basically

you're going to teach them how to beg for anything. You will get them to do what you want them to do and also they're going to learn how to beg for anything. Anything. It's like, you will get them to do what you want them to do. And also, they're going to learn how to try and deliberate their way through the situation. Yeah, you can teach them that they're an elephant. Yeah, anything you want. I mean, it's just waterboarding, though.

It's not like a toy. No, no, no, no. There's pictures of... No, I heard it. I'm just trying to fix some clowns and stuff. It's going to be for fun. Oh, I see. So that makes it for kids.

Henry? Okay. That makes it for kids? Yeah. This is the thing, is that kids don't understand how dangerous scorpions and snakes are.

They don't fucking get it. They do this like an old school rap. It's like, oh, scorpion, snakes, don't step along because it's full of rakes. Is that what you fucking wanted? They don't get it.

Is that what you wanted? That was a great rant. Thank you. We haven't been recording, right? So the... Kids don't understand snakes and scorpions. Disney has been fucking pumping, pumping the image of the friendly scorpion and snake

down the throat of the children of America. In fascist Disney. In many... In Terry the Funny Snake. I did that, Terry. Yeah, Terry, you have to come up with a different name. Yeah, yeah, Johnny the Funny Fucking Snake. Now, where did you ever come up with the name Johnny?

And then there was Brier, the Super Charming Scorpion. Brier? Brier. I found that very offensive. Yes. That was very offensive. Funny movies saying scorpions and snakes are fun. And with these kids,

they understand that if you're going out in the forest, when the end time comes, right, when there's electricity, when the grid shuts down, right, when super flus are rampant,

because CDC's open up their fucking vaults, because Al-Qaeda has won. Wow. I'm just saying, a lot of ifs. The inevitable stuff. Yeah, a lot of ifs.

Yeah. It's a box. By the way, I completely spaced out like a minute ago. It's a box. This is what it is. You just give him a box full of snakes and scorpions. It's a boo box. It's a boo box. I think I won this one,

Marcus. I really do. I came up with something that already did exist, sure, but kids loved it. Yeah, they did. I mean, it doesn't teach them anything. Yeah, it does. What does it teach them? How to slide. He's giving them a box full of snakes and scorpions.

Wasn't yours a slip and slide with vodka? No, with no water. No, I'm taking Tim's. Vodka. Yeah. No, you can't switch. That teaches them how to drink. It teaches the kids how to drink, Robert.

People are literally pulling their cars over. They're listening to this in their car. They're pulling it over, taking the fucking plastic bag. Our listeners don't own cars. They're fucking wrapping the plastic bag around their fucking face. Are we killing our audience? Yeah. Thanks so much for listening when you were here.

You know, this is rough. Who won, Marcus? Marcus, did I win? No, Mike won. Yeah. Mike Christine won. Mike Christine won. Yeah, for the second? No, Mike won. Yay! That was a nice one. Mike Christine won. Mike Christine won.

Yeah, for the second. He sent a message. Because I want to fill my schools with guns. Because he's trying to be a better person. He was a terrible person. He said that one nice thing. That's subjective. No, we're all... I think Mike's a great person.

No, he isn't. I think I'm good. I'm shut up. I watched Mike feed a pork rib to a dog in the street. That's nice. That is nice. What are your own pork ribs? It doesn't matter.

I just stole it from some dude eating it out of a Tupperware box. You know what I did? Some guy was eating at an outdoor cafe, and I took the rib. And there's nothing he could do about it because he just thought I was crazy. That was perfect. All right, Jackie Holden. And then thanks nothing he could do about it because he just thought I was crazy. That was perfect. All right, Jackie Holden. And then thanks for being here, Tim Dorsch.

Anytime. Great episode. Yeah, Henry Zebrowski, Mike Racine. You're welcome. Thank you for doing it. It's been Halloween for a week. You know?

Hey, Mike, plug something. To my Twitter, at Mike Racine. Also, I'm going to do a podcast of my own eventually. What's it going to be called? It's going to be called Broads. I like the logo. Mike Racine. Also, I'm going to do a podcast of my own eventually. What's it going to be called? It's going to be called Broads.

I got the logo. Mike Racine, trying to be a better person. You have the logo? Also, I got a new website out. It's called bigfuckingtits.com

if you want to check that out. Is it just pictures of Ed? Yeah! Oh, man! No, it's not. It's pictures of women with breast cancer. Oh.

Okay. Have a good night. That's really sad there with breast cancer. Oh. Okay. Have a good night. That's really sad there at the end. That was actually really sad. you